Workaholics 1x01 - Piss & S T

WORKAHOLICS
Episode 101
"Pilot"
Written by
Blake Anderson
& Adam Devine
& Anders Holm
& Kyle Newacheck
& Connor Pritchard
& Dominic Russo
4/06/2010 - Network Draft
Novel Productions, Inc. Workaholics Production Office

8332 Melrose Ave., 2nd Floor 2210 W. Olive Street, Suite 200
Los Angeles, CA 90069 Burbank, CA 91506
Copyright 2010 Comedy Partners, All Rights Reserved. You may not
modify, reproduce, copy, distribute, transmit, display, publish,
download or upload, sell, license, create derivative works of or
use any aspect of the material included in this script without the
prior written permission of Comedy Partners.
PILOT
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY (DAY ONE)
People in swimsuits, A DJ, BBQ, and others play beer pong.

BLAKE, stands with ADAM and they drink beers.
BLAKE
No... but they are real. Its like
aliens. We havent captured one
yet, but theyre out there.
ADAM
I dont know. I dont know if I
believe in aliens either.
ANDERS approaches.
BLAKE
Ders, tell Adam that albino Asians
are real.
ANDERS
Yeah right. They would have
captured one by now.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
Guess what I just got into.
ADAM
I dont know. A bunch of dudes?
ANDERS
Sexting. You done this?
ADAM
Ive heard of that.
ANDERS
Ive got some girl named Annette,
who I dont even remember meeting.
Shes been texting me all morning
and its pretty righteous stuff
cause, welp, lemme just tell you:
(reading off phone)
What happened to you last night?
You bailed on me.
(CONTINUED)
Workaholics 101 - Network Draft - 4/6/10 2.
CONTINUED:
ADAM
What? Thats not like you.
ANDERS
Again, I dont remember this chick.
I said, I didnt know you wanted
to roll like that. She says,
What are you doing now? So I
said, Were having a shindig, you
oughtta think about coming by.
ADAM
Yeah.
ANDERS
She says, Ill think about it. In
the meantime, you think about
this... BOOM!
CLOSE ON: Ders phone, displaying a picture of a NIPPLE.
BLAKE ADAM
OOOOH! WOOOW!
ADAM
Nipple! Nipple shot!
BLAKE
Nice.
ADAM
Thats a good lookin nipple.
ANDERS
Yeah, the nipple of my dreams.
BLAKE
You should probably get that girl
over here. Why dont you send her
a pic... of your dick?
ANDERS
A what?
ADAM
Thats how sexting works. Youve
got to one up her, earn her trust
with a pic.
ANDERS
She just sent me a nipple. So...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
BLAKE
Well, thats kind of the order of
things. It goes nipple, dick,
pussy, butthole.
ANDERS
OK.
(realizing)
Wait, whose butthole?
BLAKE
It was on Dateline.
ADAM
(tapping Ders dick)
Why dont you get some blood in that
sucker and seal the deal, dude?
BLAKE
Seal the deal, man!
They high five and Anders runs inside.
ADAM
Im proud of you, dude. Get rid of
that hat.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Anders preps to take a picture of his dick. He strikes a

pose in front of the mirror, then snaps the pic.
ANDERS
GQ time, GQ time, everybody bout
to get GQ time.
He SENDS the picture.
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - BACKYARD - LATER
Anders walks back to Adam and Blake, arms raised in triumph.
ANDERS
Countdown to vagina town.
ADAM
Awww yes.
ANDERS
And washed my rear end for the
other photo that Im probably gonna
have to send later.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
We hear a phone BEEP. Adam pulls a BEDAZZLED PHONE from his

pocket and types on the keypad.
ADAM
Forward to - select all and - send.
ANDERS
Whose phone is that?
Adam hands the phone to a girl.
ADAM
Vanessa, thanks for the phone.
Enjoy your new wallpaper.
ANDERS
What are you doing with her phone?
Adam and Blake laugh at Anders as CELL PHONES AT THE PARTY

RING AND BUZZ. Ders catches on and looks crushed.
ADAM
You were texting me on Vanessas
phone. The nipple of your dreams,
is now the nipple of your
nightmares.
Adam unbuttons his shirt REVEALING his SHAVED NIPPLE. Blake

pulls out an electric razor, BUZZING IT.
ANDERS
(furious)
This is hysterical. Sending a
picture of my penis to everyone at
the party.
ADAM
(rubbing nipple)
You like that?
ANDERS
My dads gonna cancel my wireless now!
MAIN TITLES:
END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF - LATER
The party is winding down. Anders climbs a ladder, onto the

roof, to meet Blake and Adam (whore doing Edward 40 Hands).
ANDERS
So this is where my friends are.
BLAKE
Look who it is. Its Tan Dick
Tanner.
ADAM
Nice. Tan Dick Tanner.
ANDERS
You know guys, when you kick a dude
and hes down...
Anders pulls a blunt out of his shirt pocket and grabs a

beer.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
Hes not likely to share his blunt
with you.
ADAM
You dont smoke.
ANDERS
Yeah well, Im smokin tonight.
BLAKE
But, with us, right?
ANDERS
I dont have to.
ADAM
You should be thanking us, because
all those chicks have seen your
super tan dick now, and thats
awesome.
BLAKE
Its basically like youre headed
towards home. Past third base.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS
Are you serious?
The guys spot a ROLLER BLADER in their driveway.
ADAM
Oh shit.
The roller blader bends down to pick something up. Adam and
Blake stand up on the roof and yell:
ADAM (CONT'D) BLAKE

POOP DOLLAR! POOP DOLLAR!
ADAM (CONT'D)
Theres poop in it!
The roller blader skates away quickly as the guys laugh.
ANDERS
Whose poop this time?
BLAKE
Thats all Adam.
ADAM
Its weird how unembarrassed I am
by that.
BLAKE
Come on guys, this is Sunday fun
day. Lets get wild!
Blake CLINKS his forty onto their beer bottles, causing them
to overflow and forcing Adam and Anders to quickly chug the
escaping beer.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Yeah!
INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - DAY (DAY TWO)
The guys sit at their shared cubicle. We cut to each of them

as they perform their respective sales calls.
ADAM
I hear the kids in the background
and I understand that youre having
a bad day. But, listen to what I
can do for you. You hung up didnt
you?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS
Why would I call you? I dont even
know you. What does your caller ID
say?
BLAKE
Do you play WOW by any chance?
Ive got internet connection here,
so if you wanna like tag up in a
realm and pwn some noobs or
whatever, Im totally down.
JILLIAN, their coworker, approaches and startles all of them.
JILLIAN
Are you guys freaking out?
ADAM
Now I am, Jillian. Whats your
deal? Why dont you tone it down a
smidge.
JILLIAN
Sorry. Its just that you guys
dont look at all ready for the
drug test.
BLAKE
Theres a drug test today?
JILLIAN
Yeah. I know. Im freaking out
too. I went to the Lady GaGa
concert last night with my niece,
Sabrina.
The guys get up and walk out of their cubicle in the middle
of Jillians speech. She continues as the guys walk away
from her.
JILLIAN (CONT'D)
And some guy was smoking weed right
next to us. It freaked me out.
You know what else freaked me out?
That picture of your dick, Anders.
I got it in a text.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - LATER
The guys pour themselves coffee and prepare various snacks.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ADAM
How did we not know about this drug
test? We smoked yesterday.
BLAKE
Dude, we smoked in the car this
morning.
Their boss, ALICE, enters. She is clearly pissed.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Good morning.
ANDERS
Hello, Alice.
ADAM
Yo, Boss. Shes large and in
charge, minus the large and plus
some extra points for being a cool
boss.
ALICE
Shut up, Adam. I cant believe
were wasting time with this
pointless drug test, yet again.
ANDERS
Oh yeah. Theres that today. We
dont have a problem with that.
ALICE
I would hope you dont. Youve
known about this for two months.
You guys know what Im about.
BLAKE ANDERS
Puttin up the numbers. Puttin up the numbers.
ALICE (CONT'D)
I cant have my sales force running
to the bathroom all day long like a
bunch of bulimics.
ADAM
Dont worry about us. Were
straight arrows. We should be in
quivers. Call me Legolas. Because
I shoot arrows...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
ALICE
OK. Look. I followed Sugar Ray on
the road for 5 months after
college, I was high, high, high,
high, higher than high. I know
whats goin on out there, but I
twelve-stepped that crap right out
of my life. Speaking of losers,
just wait until you meet the nerd
that they sent over from West Coast
Testing.
Just then, ROBBIE, the pee tester, enters. Hes pushing a

cart full of urine testing equipment. Alice feigns
politeness to be professional.
ROBBIE
Hello there. Knock knock.
ALICE
Guys, this is Robbie.
ROBBIE
Yep. Robbie. Best test in the
west.
ALICE
He likes to say that.
ROBBIE
Best test in the west.
ALICE
There he goes.
ROBBIE
OK. Im just gonna run some tests
on it, and its important that you
drink a lot of fluids. And, its
just a drug test. Nothing to be
scared of.
BLAKE
Well, Im excited. What kinds of
drugs are we testing?
ROBBIE
Wow.
ALICE
The wit on this one. Really.
Yeah, hes the funniest one.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
ROBBIE
Oh really?
ALICE
Ill let you guys pal around, I am
gonna get some different air.
Alice exits.
ADAM
Bye.
Robbie turns to the guys, his smile slips.
ROBBIE
You might have her fooled, but not
this guy. Im a professional. A
bloodhound. And I can recognize
the signs.
He points to Adam.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
Glazed eyes.
He stares at Ders.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
Ridiculous J. Crew outfits.
He gets in Blakes face.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
And this guy. The Flying Tomato.
I cant wait to get on downtown
into that urine. See what kinds of
drugs youve been partying inside
of yourself. Ooh mama. Im gonna
have a good time with you.
Robbie slowly backs away.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
See you in a little bit, boys.
(then chipper)
And seriously, drink some liquids.
Itll make my job a lot easier.
Robbie backs his cart out of the kitchen.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
Piss cart comin through!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4)
ADAM
Wow. That was so awkward.
BLAKE
But it shook me to the core.
ADAM
Yeah. That was scary.
ANDERS
Guys, we still have a drug test in
a few hours that were not gonna
pass.
BLAKE
Yeah. Were done. Were outta
here. Were fired.
ADAM
(grim)
You know what else?
ANDERS
What?
ADAM
(excited)
Poop dollar.
The guys all crowd around the doorway to the hall and watch
an elderly coworker pick up a poop dollar and throw it down
in disgust.
ADAM (CONT'D)
What a fool.
(catching whiff of it)
We should probably keep the poop
dollar outside.
The guys nod in agreement.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - DAY
Blake and Anders sit at their computers while Adam paces.
BLAKE
(off computer)
All I can find here is some stuff
called niacin. Its supposed to
flush out the toxins in your
system.
ADAM
I could start a fire. Burn this
place down.
Adam runs in place, rapidly rubbing his legs together.
ADAM (CONT'D)
One time, when I was a kid, I
literally did this for forty-five
minutes and it started a fire.
BLAKE
Yeah, right.
Anders removes a LUNCH COOLER from his desk.
ADAM
(to Anders)
Whats your idea? You gonna give
us some pulled pork sandwiches from
that little cooler?
Anders removes two plastic cups of liquid from the cooler.
ANDERS
I was thinking maybe two tall
glasses of 100% clean urine.
ADAM
What!?
ANDERS
I knew about the drug test.
Remember when they announced it,
maybe 2 months ago? So I stocked
up for you guys. My drug friends.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS (CONT'D)
But, after yesterdays little
sexting prank, I thought - maybe
they dont deserve it. Maybe now
theyve got to earn it.
BLAKE
Name it.
ANDERS
Bear with me here. I thought about
this last night.
Anders climbs up onto his chair and reaches up to the

ceiling. He rips two large chunks from the ceiling tile and
hands them to the guys.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
Eat this.
ADAM
No. Ugh. Are you serious, dude?
That is straight danger.
Blake reaches for the tile.
BLAKE
Gimme the damn tile.
Anders hands them each the tiles.
ADAM
Fine. But your dick is so tan
looking. Its bizarre.
Adam takes a bite out of the tile and makes a face like hes
about to puke.
ANDERS
Whoa!
Anders turns to Blake, whos pouring a packet of BBQ sauce

onto the tile.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
Enjoy that. Better get some Arby-Q
sauce on that, dude.
Blake takes a bite and is equally sickened. He and Adam

begin choking and making puke sounds.
BLAKE
Its cutting my mouth.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2)
ADAM
Youre not a cool dude. Because
there is fiberglass in here.
BLAKE
Its so dry!
ADAM
How much do we have to eat?
ANDERS
Alright, alright. OK champs. I
think youve had enough.
Blake and Adam spit the rest of the tile into their desks.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
Why dont we wash it down.
Anders hands them the two cups he took out of his cooler.
BLAKE
Thats piss. Were not drinking
piss.
ANDERS
Its not pee, its Gatorade.
Thats what happens when you mess
with the mastermind of pranks.
Adam sips his Gatorade.
ADAM
Wow. OK.
ANDERS
You pull a prank on me, you get
pranked back.
Anders pulls another plastic cup of liquid out of the cooler.
ANDERS (CONT'D)
This is real piss. And its all
mine. Its all...
Adam JUMPS up from his seat and HITS the cup out of Anders
hand, getting it on Anders face and shirt.
ADAM
...Over your face!
Anders is stunned, then launches to his feet. Toe to toe

with Adam...
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3)
ANDERS
That was stupid.
ADAM
Youre stupid. You have piss on
your face.
ANDERS
Adam, I had enough pee for all
three of us. I was gonna run the
joke a little longer and then split
it up. But, now its gone and a
little bit in my mouth.
ADAM
Why didnt you say something, dude?
ANDERS
I didnt say anything because I was
trying to be cool and dramatic.
Which you would know nothing about.
ADAM
Oh OK, Anders. I wouldnt know
about being cool and dramatic?
Whos saving up to buy a
motorcycle? A crotch rocket and a
cool leather jacket? I AM!
ANDERS
(sitting down)
I cant talk to you.
Suddenly Robbie pops his head into their cubicle.
ROBBIE
Whats wrong guys? You seem a
little jumpy. Need to take a
tinkle?
BLAKE
You wish.
ROBBIE
Yeah. I wish. I pray. I
fantasize. Why dont we just go
ahead and get this over with, get
you fired and get you out there so
you can spend the rest of the day
getting all high?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (4)
ADAM
(whispering loudly)
That actually sounds awesome.
ROBBIE
(whispering louder)
Oh really? I can hear you whispering.
ADAM
(whispering even louder)
I know you can hear me. Im doing
it loud enough for you to hear me.
ROBBIE
(still whispering)
Can you hear this?
ADAM
(whispering)
What?
ROBBIE
(whispering)
You have until -
(normal tone)
- five oclock to hit the bathroom
and make with the zip, flop,
splash, boo hoo.
ADAM
What was the flop?
ROBBIE
The flop was the penis coming out
of the pants.
Robbie turns and begins walking away with his cart.
ROBBIE (CONT'D)
Im done schooling you guys.
Robbie leaves the cubicle, WHISTLING.
INT. OFFICE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The guys sneakily follow him out of the cubicle. They crouch
and gather at the corner of a cubicle wall and watch Robbie
enter the storage room where he stores the URINE SAMPLES.
BLAKE
Uh, this guy is ruthless, man. I
am not moving back in with my mom.
I will sell my intestines.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS
Rent is due on Friday. OK? I just
spent two hundred dollars on
business cards.
ADAM
(mocking Ders)
Uhh! Im Anders. I just -
business cards. Rents due. Two
hundred dollars. Get over
yourself, bro. Not all of us have
tan ass Vin Diesel cocks, dude.
Adam pauses to think, then pats Anders on the back and puts
his arm around Ders shoulder.
ADAM (CONTD)
Im sorry, dude. Im just really
upset right now.
ANDERS
OK. Um, fine. Weve got an hour
lunch. Well think of something.
Reveal WAYMOND standing at the copier behind them, staring at

the guys crouched in the hallway.
EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - DAY
The guys exit the office building and head toward their car,
an 85 maroon Volvo.
BLAKE
(into phone)
Hey, Karl. Whats up, brother?
You know where we can get some
niacin within the next hour?
ADAM
Yo. Let me drive.
ANDERS
No.
BLAKE
(into phone)
You got some now? Where you at?
ADAM
How come you always get to drive?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS
Cause he doesnt even have a
license and you got a DUI.
BLAKE
(into phone)
Sweet. Well be there in ten.
Blake hangs up the phone as they all get in the car.
ANDERS
Where to?
BLAKE
Our house.
ANDERS
You let a drug dealer stay in our
house all day?
BLAKE
(slams hand on car roof)
Hes my friend, Anders!
Adam rolls his eyes and spins into the passenger seat.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER
KARL sits on the couch watching TV as the guys enter.
ADAM
Karl!
BLAKE
Hey, Karl.
KARL
(re: TV)
Shh! Its almost the ending, guys.
BLAKE
Snap. Its Die Hard. So good.
The guys stand behind the couch and watch Die Hard on TV.
BRUCE WILLIS
You stupid mother cluckers! No!
No! Turn the cluckin truck
around!
ADAM
Did he just say clucking?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
BLAKE
Yeah. Must be on cable where they
like, switch the swear words out.
ADAM
So dope.
KARL
Shh, shh, shh! Come on.
ADAM
Oh Carl Winslow - forgot about him.
KARL
Shut the fuck up.
END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
FADE IN:
We see footage of Bruce Willis in Die Hard on the TV.
BRUCE WILLIS
Come out to the coast, well get
together, have a few laughs.
REVEAL that the guys have all settled onto the couches,
clearly having forgotten what they came home to do.
ADAM
You cant climb through an air
duct. Its a movie.
ANDERS
The movie is based on a book.
Books cant lie.
KARL
Did you guys need that niacin or
what?
BLAKE
Oh shit, yeah. Thanks man. Come
on, lets get out of here.
ADAM
See you, dude.
KARL
See ya.
The guys head toward the door. Adam jumps over the couch and
nearly kicks Karl in the face as he and Blake exit. Ders is
halfway out the door...
KARL (CONTD)
Hey, you know you coulda just got
that at the drug store, right?
ANDERS
(re: house)
Just dont touch anything.
KARL
Wait, why not?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ANDERS
Look at your nails.
As Ders exits, Karl takes a long look at his fingernails.
KARL
Hes absolutely right.
INT. GUYS CAR - LATER
Adam examines the bottle of niacin as Anders drives. He

dumps pills into his hand.
ADAM
It says to take two for results in
eight hours, that means take eight
for results in two.
Adam passes pills to Blake, who immediately swallows them.
BLAKE
Lets crank the windows up and
sweat this bitch out.
ANDERS
These arent Flintstone vitamins,
guys. Theres side effects.
(reading bottle)
It says redness, itching -
BLAKE
Are you guys sweating yet?
ADAM
Im ready to keep my job - get a
paycheck, son!
ANDERS
Fuck it.
He downs a handful of pills as they pull up to the office

parking lot.
BLAKE
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What
if this doesnt work, man? We need
piss.
Anders slams his hands on the steering wheel.
ANDERS
I had clean piss, OK? I had it!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
BLAKE
Maybe we could find somebody to
give us piss.
ADAM
How are we supposed to find clean
piss when everyone over the age of
twelve smokes weed these days?
A lightbulb goes off for all three of them.
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - LATER
The guys, itchy and red-faced, run up to a schoolyard fence.

The CHILDREN scream and run away at the sight of their red,
sweaty faces.
ADAM
Hey, gotta go pee? Pigtails, Im
talkin to you.
BLAKE
We have candy!
ANDERS
Guys, look at us. Were just
scaring kids now, alright. I like
kids. Lets just go somewhere else
where we can actually find some
pee.
PUNK KID (O.C.)

Ill give you some piss.
A PUNK KID approaches them.
ADAM
You will?
PUNK KID
Yeah, maybe I could go. But whats
in it for me, bitches?
The guys reach into their pockets.
BLAKE
I have... a receipt.
ADAM
Ive got four dollars.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
PUNK KID
I get thirty bucks a week of
allowance, fags.
ANDERS
So what - what do you want?
PUNK KID
I want something I cant buy.
ANDERS
OK.
ADAM
Yeah.
ANDERS
Alright.
ADAM
I get it.
Anders hands the kid a small plastic bag.
ANDERS
We can do that. Take this bag, pee
in it, and wait right here, OK?
The guys burst into the front door. Karl sits on their couch
as before and smokes a joint. The guys race past him.
QUICK CUTS: The guys search frantically through stuff in

their bedrooms. They grab whatever contraband they can find.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The guys race out the door, passing Karl again. As they
pass, Karl holds out his joint. Anders and Adam ignore him,
but Blake stops.
BLAKE
Definitely.
He takes a hit from the joint then hands it back to Karl.
BLAKE (CONTD)
(realizing)
Shit!
Blake runs out the door. Karl drops the joint on his hand,
burning himself.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
KARL
Ahh!
EXT. SCHOOLYARD - LATER
The Punk Kid is there as the guys run up to the fence. He

has the plastic bag Ders gave him, now filled with piss.
ADAM
Lets get that piss!
PUNK KID
Lets make this fast, weirdos.
What do you got?
ANDERS
Um, this.
Anders holds up a burned CD labeled NOOKIE MIX.
PUNK KID
OK, see this hard drive?
The kid holds up a THUMB DRIVE.
PUNK KID (CONTD)

It holds five thousand songs, OK?
So, pass.
ANDERS
No, no, no. These tracks are to
bone to, buddy.
PUNK KID
I dont have sex! Get outta here,
asshole.
Adam holds up a porno magazine.
ADAM
OK, yeah. But you probably jerk
the gerk. Hello!
PUNK KID
OK, digital!
(re: thumb drive)
Five hundred porn videos, OK? But
Ill take that lighter though.
ADAM
Its actually a zippo.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
PUNK KID
Does it light cats on fire?
ADAM
Cats?
PUNK KID
On fire? Yeah.
ADAM
No.
PUNK KID
OK, so pass.
Blake holds out his contraband.
BLAKE
Alright, check me out. Ive got
throwing knives and fireworks.
PUNK KID
OK, yes. Thats what I want.
BLAKE
Oh yeah, baby. Now hand the pee
first. The pee first!
Just then an angry TEACHER makes his way toward the guys.
TEACHER
Hey! What are you guys doing?
PUNK KID
Shit!
The kid drops the bag of pee as he passes it through the

fence. The bag breaks and pee spills on the ground.
PUNK KID (CONTD)

They raped me!
Chaos breaks lose. The guys yell and frantically try to grab
the bag.
PUNK KID (CONTD)

They touched me! They touched me!
The guys reach the remains of the bag and bolt just as the
teacher reaches the fence.
CUT TO:
INT. GUYS CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Adam holds a tiny bit of liquid in his hand.
ANDERS
Dude, you got some pee, right? You
got some?
ADAM
Oh yeah.
Anders hands Adam an empty beer bottle from next to his seat.
ANDERS
Alright, here. Here, just put it
in here. Put it in.
BLAKE
Its not enough! None of its
enough.
Adam stares at the pee in one hand and the bottle in the
other.
ADAM
Youre right.
Adam tosses the pee out the window, but it flies back into
his face.
ADAM (CONTD)
Karma is for real.
BLAKE
Maybe we deserve this. Weve been
screwing around all this time. And
maybe its just catching up to us.
Ders, just turn the car around.
Lets go back to the office, get it
over with.
The guys sit quietly, defeated.
ADAM
(to Ders)
So, do you tan just the shaft? Or
do you get the balls as well
because your dick looks like Ty
Cobbs baseball mitt.
INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - LATER
Anders and Adam finish phone calls. Blakes chair is empty.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ADAM
Nice to talk to ya.
Adam hangs up his phone.
ADAM (CONTD)
Almost had him. That was pretty
good.
Blake returns to the cubicle with Robbie close behind.
ROBBIE
OK, boys. Hes awesome at peeing.
Lets see how you do.
Blake sits, defeated. As Adam and Anders stand to follow

Robbie out of the cubicle, Blake looks at the ceiling and
gets an idea.
BLAKE
Wait.
Adam and Anders turn back to face Blake, who starts downing
the BIG GULP that was sitting on his desk.
BLAKE (CONTD)
Take as much time as you can.
ROBBIE
I said lets go! I hate it when
people dont pay attention to what
Im requesting! Lets go!
INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - MOMENTS LATER
Blake spins in his chair, on the phone with Jillian.
BLAKE
(into phone)
Jillian, I got a plan. You in?
INTERCUT WITH: Jillian at her desk.
JILLIAN
(into phone)
Hell yeah. Does it involve sushi?
BLAKE
(staring at the hole Ders
made in the ceiling)
Yippee kai-yay, monkey cutters.
INT. OFFICE - CEILING - MOMENTS LATER
Blake removes a ceiling tile and climbs up into the ceiling.
INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - SAME TIME
Robbie pushes Adam and Anders past the door to the Break
Room.
ADAM
Mind if I get some water?
ANDERS
Yeah, Im super parched.
ROBBIE
Fine.
They walk toward the water cooler.
ROBBIE (CONTD)
Dont try anything.
INT. OFFICE - AIR DUCT - SAME TIME
Blake army-crawls, holding a LIGHTER a la Die Hard.
BLAKE
(Bruce Willis impression)
Come up to the roof. Well get
together, smoke a few blunts.
INT. OFFICE - HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Robbie continues to push Adam and Anders through the

building. Jillian waits around a corner as they approach,
then jumps out in front of them.
JILLIAN
Hey, Robbie! Hey. How are you?
Um, listen I wanted to talk to you
about something really quick, is
that OK?
ROBBIE
Yeah, make it very quick.
JILLIAN
Oh, its totally quick. Um, I see
that youre on your way to the
bathroom, and you dont want to go
in there cause its... Gay Time.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
JILLIAN (CONT'D)
Its Gay Time in the bathroom, and
you dont want to go in cause then
youd be gay.
ROBBIE
Excuse me. Can I ask you a
question?
Jillian WINKS repeatedly at Anders and Adam.
ROBBIE (CONTD)
Hey, twitchy.
JILLIAN
Huh?
ROBBIE
Are you high?
JILLIAN
No!
Jillian rushes away.
ROBBIE
Alright, Ill do her next.
INT. OFFICE - AIR DUCT - SAME TIME
Blake crawls through the ceiling. He lifts a ceiling tile

and looks into a room below. The piss cart!
INT. OFFICE - BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Adam and Anders grab pee cups and walk toward the urinals.
ROBBIE
Dont pee on the cup intentionally.
I have to touch it afterwards.
The guys unzip.
ROBBIE (CONTD)
Thats it, boys. Just like your
mama taught you.
INT. OFFICE - STORAGE ROOM - SAME TIME
Blake hangs from the ceiling, then drops down into the
storage room where the urine samples are stored. Blake grabs
the tray of already filled pee cups and places it on a low
table. He removes the lid from every cup, unzips his fly,
and starts peeing in every cup.
Adam and Anders are still standing in front of the urinals.

Robbie gets right up in Adams ear.
ROBBIE
All done?
ADAM
No... Not even close.
(pee noise)
Pssssssssss...
ROBBIE
OK, youre doing that with your
mouth, gimme the sample.
ADAM
(caught)
OK. Yes, I am. Here you go.
He hands Robbie the sample.
Blake pushes himself, making sure to pee in every single cup.
Anders now finishes peeing.
ROBBIE
And you?
He hands Robbie the filled pee cup. Robbie sniffs it.
ROBBIE (CONTD)
Hoo! Smells like unemployment,
boys.
INT. OFFICE - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Robbie, with the two pee cups in hand, walks toward the
storage room door. He reaches for the door key and brings it
toward the doorknob.
Blake cleans up the spilled pee with a cloth.
INT. OFFICE - HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Robbie drops his keys.

Blake places the tray of cups back on the rack where he found
it. He jumps toward the hole in the ceiling, grabs on and
pulls himself up as Robbie opens the storage room door and
enters.
EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - LATER
The guys exit the building and walk toward their car with
Robbie close behind.
ROBBIE
So you guys are gonna come back
tomorrow. Gonna get your stuff,
sorta do the walk of shame - is
that your thing?
Anders turns and Blake immediately holds him back.
ANDERS
You know, you are so lucky were
not in high school right now.
ROBBIE
Why?
ANDERS
BECAUSE I LOVED HIGH SCHOOL!
Adam points to something on the ground and reaches down.
ADAM
Hey!
Its the poop dollar, near Robbies foot. Robbie spots it

and steps on it right before Adam can reach.
ROBBIE
Sorry! Nope. No. I get that too.
Thats my tip.
ADAM
(smirking)
OK. Lucky.
The guys approach their car and Robbie shoos them away.
ROBBIE
Yeah.
ANDERS
Uh huh.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ADAM
Thank you.
BLAKE
Nice workin with you.
As the guys get in their car, Robbie looks down and notices
what he stepped on.
ANDERS
Poop dollaaaaaar!
ADAM
Poop dollar, bitch! Theres poop
in it!
The guys laugh as they drive away.
ROBBIE
(calling after them)
You think thats funny? Huh?
Well, I still have a job! You hear
me!? Im the best in the west!
Im Robbie!
Robbie takes off his shoe and throws it on the ground, then
walks back toward the office building.
ROBBIE (CONTD)
Damnit!
INT. OFFICE - ALICES OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON
A janitor vacuums in the hallway while Alice is in her office

with Robbie. Alice stands from her desk chair, holding a
clipboard, and sits on the front of her desk, right in front
of Robbie.
ALICE
Tell me, how does one screw up this
badly?
ROBBIE
Yes, the results were a little off.
ALICE
A little off? Every employee at
TelAmeriCorp, including myself,
failed your drug test.
ROBBIE
I understand that you--
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
ALICE
Shut your dumb face! I was
wondering how the hell my eleven
month sober piss tested positive
for the following: marijuana,
MDMA...
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF - SAME TIME
The guys hang out on their roof, drinking beers.
ALICE (V.O.)
...nitrous oxide, benzodryne,
valtrex, nyquil, dayquil - why
would I take both? Elmers glue,
bermeva, birth control - cant have
kids!
BACK IN THE OFFICE -
ALICE
Dont need birth control! So, why
dont you get on your little hobby
cart and ride the hell out of here
before I go and get Orlandos
vacuum - and shove it up your ass
on FULL SUCTION!
Robbie exits. Alice sits back down at her desk chair.
ALICE (CONTD)
Jillian!
Jillian pops her head in through the doorway.
JILLIAN
Hi. How can I help?
ALICE
Shut up. I need you to draft an
email to all employees, apologizing
for todays drug test. The results
were inconclusive, and were gonna
have a new round of drug tests
tomorrow - just a strand of hair.
Jillian stands there and stares at Alice.
ALICE (CONTD)
Why are you staring at me?
JILLIAN
Im sorry.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
Jillian starts to leave, then turns back to Alice.
JILLIAN (CONTD)
Im also sorry about the no kids
thing. I couldnt help but -
ALICE
Why arent you typing?
JILLIAN
I cant have pets in my apartment
building.
ALICE
Why are you still standing here?
JILLIAN
On top of it!
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF - MOMENTS LATER
The guys, still hanging out and drinking beers and passing a
joint. Each of their phone makes a NEW EMAIL SOUND, and they
all reach into their pockets.
ANDERS
This cat raps deeply about
education and stuff.
(reading his email)
If he gets another email...
They read the email on the phones.
ADAM
Shit.
SFX: BUZZING OF HAIR CLIPPERS.
END OF ACT THREE

TAG
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
ORLANDO the janitor dances and vacuums the office.
FADE OUT:
END OF EPISODE

Workaholics 1x01 - Piss & S T

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What is the plot of the pilot episode?

What is the plot of the pilot episode?

What mistake does Anders make while sexting?

What mistake does Anders make while sexting?

WORKAHOLICS

4/06/2010 - Network Draft

Novel Productions, Inc. Workaholics Production Office

EXT. GUYS HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY (DAY ONE)

People in swimsuits, A DJ, BBQ, and others play beer pong.

CLOSE ON: Ders phone, displaying a picture of a NIPPLE.

They high five and Anders runs inside.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Anders preps to take a picture of his dick. He strikes a

He SENDS the picture.

EXT. GUYS HOUSE - BACKYARD - LATER

Anders walks back to Adam and Blake, arms raised in triumph.

We hear a phone BEEP. Adam pulls a BEDAZZLED PHONE from his

Adam hands the phone to a girl.

Adam and Blake laugh at Anders as CELL PHONES AT THE PARTY

Adam unbuttons his shirt REVEALING his SHAVED NIPPLE. Blake

END OF COLD OPEN

EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF - LATER

The party is winding down. Anders climbs a ladder, onto the

Anders pulls a blunt out of his shirt pocket and grabs a

The guys spot a ROLLER BLADER in their driveway.

ADAM (CONT'D) BLAKE

The roller blader skates away quickly as the guys laugh.

INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - DAY (DAY TWO)

The guys sit at their shared cubicle. We cut to each of them

JILLIAN, their coworker, approaches and startles all of them.

INT. OFFICE - BREAK ROOM - LATER

The guys pour themselves coffee and prepare various snacks.

Their boss, ALICE, enters. She is clearly pissed.

Just then, ROBBIE, the pee tester, enters. Hes pushing a

Robbie turns to the guys, his smile slips.

He gets in Blakes face.

Robbie slowly backs away.

Robbie backs his cart out of the kitchen.

The guys nod in agreement.

END OF ACT ONE

INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - DAY

Blake and Anders sit at their computers while Adam paces.

Adam runs in place, rapidly rubbing his legs together.

Anders removes a LUNCH COOLER from his desk.

Anders removes two plastic cups of liquid from the cooler.

Anders climbs up onto his chair and reaches up to the

Blake reaches for the tile.

Anders hands them each the tiles.

Anders turns to Blake, whos pouring a packet of BBQ sauce

Blake takes a bite and is equally sickened. He and Adam

Adam sips his Gatorade.

Anders pulls another plastic cup of liquid out of the cooler.

Anders is stunned, then launches to his feet. Toe to toe

Suddenly Robbie pops his head into their cubicle.

Robbie turns and begins walking away with his cart.

Robbie leaves the cubicle, WHISTLING.

INT. OFFICE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Reveal WAYMOND standing at the copier behind them, staring at

EXT. OFFICE - PARKING LOT - DAY