Hailey Sheeler

Date: February 28, 2017

Brief Thief
A story told from the perspective of (the underwear, the Conscience)

Hi, my name is Leon's Conscience (from the future) and today Ill be telling you the story of
The Brief Thief. One day Leon and I woke and went to the fridge to find some breakfast, Leon
right there yeah yeah those luscious, syrupy flies. Hey guys guess what, guess what, Leon
picked the flies, yes! After one bite I was gagging, Leon put some salt on this bitter batch!
Okey now time to go for the daily dose of the hot sun on the nice hot rock. Now that hit the
spot, wait Leon we need to poo, now! Now that felt good! said Leon. Leon wheres the tp?!

Wait what about that pair of old holey underwear, yeah those ones right there. Now that felt
nice. Way better then leaves or grass, thats for sure. Where do we put the underwear now
though? Let's take a look around. How about we bury it in that huge bush. Ok come on Leon,
move it, that bush right there! So Leon went on and buried the underwear in the big bush.
Then casually walked away, or at least tried to look casual. Leon heard something then
stopped

Turned out this sound was this guy started talking who to Leon saying that he was his
conscience, that imposter! I mean how could he, fake his identity just to get someone to feel
guilty and do what they want? He made leon wash the underwear, and said that they beloged
to someone, I mean who would want underwear that out of shape?! Anyways although Im
mad maybe that guy had a point, maybe I did a wrong when I encouraged leon to use those
underwear. I think this guy is right, I mean not by pretending to be me that was wrong, but by
making Leon do the wright thing. Anyways Im going to get some shut-eye so night for now.

Rubric rating submitted on: 3/4/2017, 12:11:22 PM by [email protected]

Content Details of the story Details of story are The story is There are few
Your score: 4 are established, clear and make predictable. Some details or
specific and sense. The story is details may be descriptions. Does
consistent. The generally irrelevant or not flow from
story flows and straightforward from unnecessary. Tends beginning to end,
makes sense. beginning to end. to follow familiar illogical sequence.
Supporting details Writing generally patterns or ideas. Does not get
are consistent and holds the readers May keep the reader's attention
help to develop interest. reader's attention.
story. Writing holds
the reader's
attention

Origination The story has a The story follows a The story has a The story has no
Your score: 4 beginning, middle logical sequence beginning, middle clear beginning,
and end. There is a with a beginning, and end but can be middle and end.
connection between middle and end. difficult to follow. There are some
events, setting, and There is a There is some actions or events
characters. connection between connection between but are illogical or
Characters are well events, setting, and events, setting, and hard to follow. Lacks
described and characters. Story characters. Story connection between
developed. There is beginning beginning briefly events, setting, and
a well described establishes describes characters. Does
setting. There is a characters and characters and not describe
clear and well setting. There is a setting. There is a characters or
defined story clear and well story problemthat is setting, may just
problem or plot that defined story connected to the give character
flows logically. The problem or plot. The characterbuthas an names. There is a
story problem or story problem or abrupt ending. story
plot is connected to plot is connected to problembutthere is
the character. the character. Story no character
Events, actions, has a logical ending development. Story
details, and/or that resolves the ending does not
characters are story problem. makes sense or is
consistently missing.
maintained. The
 ending resolves the
problem and
satisfies the reader.

Sentence Structure Sentences are well Sentences include Simple sentences, Basic and poorly
Your score: 3 formed and flow one complete which do not include constructed
smoothly and vary thought. They begin descriptive sentences, that
in length. They with capitals and language. They often don't make
begin differently use appropriate end generally begin with sense and are
with the correct use marks. They are capitals and use repetitive in
of capitals and have logical, and make appropriate end construction.
appropriate end sense. marks
marks

Vocabulary Words are well- General words are General words are Words chosen are
Your score: 4 chosen. Phrases chosen and used chosen and are often wrong and/or
are purposeful. correctly. Words and used incorrectly at misused. Phrases
Avoids overusing phrases help times. Words and are misused or
words. Words and explain and phrases are simple missing
phrases are used to describe. and/or do not
create imagery describe well.
(mind images)

Voice The story has a The story has The story has some The writing contains
Your score: 4 definite personality personality and personality, but it is little or no
and highlight how shows how the hard to identify the personality. There
the character thinks character thinks and writer. The tone is is no evidence of
and feels. feels. The tone fits apparent in some tone in the writing.
The tone fits the the purpose and parts of the writing. The author tells
purpose and audience. The The author does about feeling
audience. writing is lively, more telling than without showing it.
The writing comes expressive, and showing feeling. The author does not
to life and is very engaging. The The author cares seem to care about
engaging. author cares about most of the time the topic or the
The author is the topic and about the topic and audience.
invested into the audience. audience.
story can cares for
the charactes and
that shines through
in the writing.

Comments:
Only a few comma errors to address. Great use of voice in your writing. Amazing detail and
vocabulary. It flowed well and kept my attention. Well done.