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Successful Negotiating
Letting the Other Person Have Your Way

by Ginny Pearson Barnes, Ed.D.

Career Press 1998
123 pages

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Strategy
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Ideas & Trends

Take-Aways
Negotiation means resolving a disagreement, using give-and-take within a
relationship.
The ideal outcome of any negotiation is win-win, where both sides get what they
want.
Before negotiating, take time to understand yourself and the person you will
negotiate with.
Empower the other person in a negotiation and learn to celebrate differences.
Be careful about body language; it carries far more meaning than the actual words
you use.
Avoid absolutes and accusations when choosing your words in a negotiation.
Build your relationship through the negotiation by focusing on peoples interests,
not their negotiating positions.
Choose your negotiating strategy based on who has Power, Authority and
Knowledge (PAK) in the negotiation.
Dont let difficult personalities gain control of the negotiation; stand up for yourself.
Learn to find satisfaction in the outcome of each negotiation, whether you get what
you want or not.

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Review
Successful Negotiating
Ginny Pearson Barnes book declares that negotiations should not be wars of attrition
or clashes of egos. Instead, they should be mutually beneficial dialogues that involve an
open exchange of ideas, mutual respect and a celebration of differences. Sound a little
simplistic? Perhaps. But the book is crisply written and covers all the points that one
would expect: determining which side of a negotiation holds the power, using body language to your advantage and crafting fall-back positions. While some of Barnes advice,
like finding satisfaction in defeat, will sound a bit trite to hardened negotiators, she does
present some interesting bargaining-table techniques, including some innovative ways
to derail a domineering opponent. Nevertheless, veterans of hard-fought deliberations
likely will find Successful Negotiating a bit soft in detail, so getAbstract.com recommends the book to rookie negotiators who want to know what to expect when they step
into the smoke-filled room.

Abstract

An essential part
of being
persuasive is to
communicate
how meeting your
needs also helps
the other party.

When you negotiate successfully,

your ultimate goal
is to come away
knowing that both
parties had their
needs met as fully
as possible.

What Negotiation is Not

Negotiation does not mean confrontation. Negotiating means resolving a disagreement
by means of trust, communication and a belief in a process of exchange. Here are some
key facts you must understand about negotiating:

Negotiating is not always neat or nice. Once you accept that, you can find the inner
strength to push toward what you want.

Negotiating is not a game or a war. Games have rules and you know in advance what
you need to do to win. That may not be true in real life. Rules, risks and rewards
change. Be flexible.

Negotiating is not about egos. Cooperate. Work together. Your goal is to leave the
negotiation with a better relationship.

Negotiating is not about perceptions. The challenge is to understand the other persons thinking. Try to see things from the other persons point of view.

Understanding Motivations
Everyone has three important higher-order needs: to be loved and valued, to be in control
and to have sound self-esteem. When these needs go unmet, emotional reactions are
normal. When you respond emotionally, you may choose unproductive behaviors. You
can respond to emotion in a negotiation by retaliating, dominating or isolating. These are
usually unproductive. You could also respond with a more productive behavior: cooperation. When emotions run high, reframe look at the problem in a new way.
When emotions block progress, try to define the problem, share your feelings, state what
you want or prefer, and suggest an ideal outcome. Express your feelings objectively.
Attack the problem, never the person. Use the negotiation to build a relationship. Always
create a positive environment.
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People who try

to dominate fail
to recognize that
in a negotiation,
control comes
through creating
options, maintaining good communication, and
continually being
able to define
win-win outcomes
that satisfy all parties.

Understanding
others is more
important than
being understood
by them.

Celebrate Differences
Negotiating means asking for something in the context of a relationship. Relationships
change throughout life. We go from dependence, to independence, to the most adult of
all relationships, interdependence. Interdependent people in a negotiation empower the
other side by showing honesty and openness.
Careful Communications
Keep logic and emotions in balance. Communicate openly. Remember the 4 Cs of
communicating: Be Clear, Comprehensive, Calm and Caring.
How you speak is as important as what you say. Body language is far more important
than words. It includes your voice pitch, intonation, gestures, eye contact, proximity and
facial expression. Body language communicates how much power you have in the situation, how much you like the other person and how responsive you are to the person.
Remember the importance of body language with the SOFTEN technique:

Smile.

Open your body posture Dont cross your arms or turn your back.

Forward lean This communicates interest and willingness to listen.

Touch A handshake is the appropriate touch in the workplace.

Eye contact Making eye contact says you are trustworthy.

Nod frequently But dont overdo it or you will look silly.

Certain specific words escalate conflict. Avoid you, which points a finger of blame
at the other person. I prefer that we talk calmly, is better than You have to calm
down. But is negative, and sours the negotiation. Say something positive and use
and rather than but to add criticism. Cant means you wont change. It makes
negotiation appear hopeless. People dislike always/never accusations. When you say
Should have and Ought to have youre being manipulative and bossy.
Listen actively. Listen more than you talk. Show that you are interested in what the
other person is saying. Ask questions for clarification. Dont jump to conclusions; wait
to respond. Listen for ideas, not just for words. Let go of your own worries. Notice the
other persons body language.

To reap success
at negotiation,
you need to work
on the relationship that exists
between you and
the other party as
you negotiate and
put aside the
notion that disagreement automatically means
confrontation.

Do Your Homework
Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to understand the other person and yourself.
Avoid assumptions, know the subject of the negotiation, and focus on each persons main
interests. You can learn about the other party by asking other people and checking with
sources like publications and speeches. When you sit down to learn the other persons
needs, you can ask two kinds of questions. Open-ended questions produce open-ended
information. You can also ask yes or no questions. Use these to pin down the other
party and to find points of agreement. Get as many yeses as you can.
Focus on peoples interests, not their positions. To understand interests, ask for objections, listen to them, acknowledge them, and classify them. The main categories of
objections are smoke-screen objections, which are phony and hide real issues, knee-jerk
objections, which some people give because they think they need to have lots of objecSuccessful Negotiating

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tions when they negotiate, emotional objections, which arise if people feel threatened or
disliked, and real objections, which will form the heart of your collaboration.
Negotiating can
be dangerous, or
it can be an
opportunity for
developing and
enhancing relationships and yourself.

Negotiate Actively, Honestly and Fairly

In any negotiation, there are seven strategies that you can choose from. You can use them
in combinations, just like you can use layers of clothing or sweaters. The seven sweaters of negotiation are:
1. Ignore/deny. Use this to avoid issues that dont pertain to whatever youre negotiating.
But dont ignore feelings, including your own.
2. Suppress. Biting your tongue. Only do this for short periods of time.
3. Leave. You can leave for a short time and then return, leave for a long time and then
return, or just leave.

A key part of
being a successful negotiator is
recognizing that
you can have control in some areas
yet not in others.

The next four sweaters involve PAK Power, Authority and Knowledge. Power is influence and your effect on others. It is not status or title. Sometimes people with lowly titles
have great power and influence because they can affect others. Authority comes from
your company. Knowledge is what you have learned.
4. Placate. Use this when you recognize the other persons PAK.
5. Dominate. Use this when you have control of the outcome. You can dominate when
you have PAK. Dominance is good in a crisis. Dont dominate when others have PAK
or when you dont have it.
6. Compromise. This is essential when you both have PAK.
7. Collaborate. Use a team effort at every level. Everyone involved must have PAK.

A person
negotiating in an
unhealthy, dependent way may
place the burden
of the winning
outcome solely on
the other person.

To decide which strategy works for you, ask yourself whether you or others have PAK.
How much do you trust each other? How well do you communicate?

Negotiating Stages
Once youve decided which sweater to wear, keep in mind that negotiations go through
seven stages:
1. Define the problem. Focus on the other persons interest, not his/her position.
2. Look for common ground. Focus on mutual interests; this reinforces your relationship.
3. Realize that multiple interests are at work.
4. Look for solutions, not the problem.
5. Focus on the benefits for both sides.

Regardless of
whether the negotiation is shortterm or long-term,
when it takes
place you still
must deal with the
relationship that
exists at that
moment.

6. Decide on a time to evaluate and make decisions.

7. Reinforce commitments after youve agreed.
Remember to stay principled. By focusing on the interests of both parties, you help to
build your relationship through the negotiation. Be honest. Dont give in just to be liked.
Be reliable and trustworthy. Dont radically change your position to throw the other
person off guard. Dont expect others to compromise just because you are willing to
compromise.
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Recognizing that
you have choices
about your
beliefs, standards
and lifestyle
reduces conflict.

Ultimately, when
you embrace a
winning attitude,
assumptions, and
behaviors, you
have winning
outcomes. The
reverse is also
true.

Negotiating with Naysayers

Negotiations are not always easy or nice. Sometimes the answer is no. Never take a no
personally. Have backup plans and options ready at all times. Suggest a postponement if
need be. When negotiations are going against you, remember to thank the other person
for his/her effort. Three magic phrases that help do that are I respect, I appreciate,
and I agree.
Some people are simply difficult, obnoxious personalities. They often set you up to fail
so they can build their own self-esteem. It is often useful to interrupt a difficult persons
harassment to change the subject or start a new discussion. You can detour, which means
leaving the subject for a short time and then coming back. You can make a joke or step
out for coffee. This will divert attention from the obstacles you face. You can interrupt by
doing something to stop the other person in his tracks. Used at the wrong time, though,
this can weaken your position. You can also use the broken record technique. Repeat
what behavior you have a problem with and what you want in place of it.
Keep careful records of your negotiations with difficult personalities. If all else fails, go
to mediation or arbitration.

Satisfaction
Satisfaction is a continuum. There is short-term and long-term satisfaction. It is your
job to enjoy successes, learn from failures and cope with outcomes in the middle. Sometimes not winning leads to a better outcome in the long run.
There are four stages of satisfaction:
1. Immediate reward, or instant satisfaction. Its rare to get what you want right away,
so when you do, treat it as a gift.
2. Delayed reward or delayed satisfaction. Sometimes you get what you want after you
keep asking for it. This takes patience. This is how most of us experience satisfaction.
3. Different reward, or adjusted satisfaction. The outcome often isnt what you wanted.
It could be better or worse than you expected. Even if its worse, you need to find
satisfaction in the outcome.
4. Rejected reward, or acceptance satisfaction. You lose in the negotiation, but you
find satisfaction in your ability to accept the outcome and live with disappointment.
You move on to find satisfaction elsewhere in life.

About The Author

Ginny Pearson Barnes originally published Successful Negotiating under the title 8 Steps
for Highly Effective Negotiation in 1995.

Buzz-Words
Body Language / Empowerment / Interdependence / Lose-Lose outcome / Win-Lose
outcome / Win-Win outcome
Successful Negotiating

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