A Briefer History of Time by Eric Schulman

A BRIEFER HISTORY OF TIME
FROM THE BIG BANG TO THE BIG MAC®

Eric Schulman
Copyright © 1999-2004 by Eric Schulman. Some rights reserved.
You are free to copy, distribute, display, and perform this work as long as you
give the original author credit, do not use this work for commercial purposes, a
nd do not alter, transform, or build upon this work. You must make clear to othe
rs the license terms of this work if you distribute it. The full Creative Common
s Public License can be found at the end of this file.
First printing 1999
Electronic release 2004
ISBN 0-7167-3389-7
This book is dedicated to Emily
I don’t pretend to understand the Universe–it’s a great deal bigger than I am.
— Thomas Carlyle, December 28, 1868
A BRIEFER HISTORY OF TIME
The History of the Universe in 100 Words or Less
Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. D
euterium and helium production. Recombination.
Galaxy formation. Turbulent fragmentation. Massive star
formation. Stellar evolution. Iron production. Supernova
explosion. Star formation. Planetary differentiation. Volatile gas expulsion. Mo
lecular reproduction. Protein construction.
Fermentation. Cell differentiation. Respiration. Multicellular organisms. Sexual
reproduction. Evolutionary diversification.
Trilobite domination. Land exploration. Comet collision.
Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Homo sapiens
manifestation. Language acquisition. Glaciation. Innovation.
Religion. Animal domestication. Food surplus production.
Inscription. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Civilization. Con
stitution. Industrialization. World
conflagrations. Fission explosions. Computerization. Space
exploration. Population explosion. Superpower confrontation.
Internet expansion. Resignation. Reunification. World Wide
Web creation. Composition. Extrapolation.
A NOT-QUITE-SO BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME
___________________________
PREFACE xiii
QUANTUM FLUCTUATION
1
In Which Our Universe Begins
INFLATION 5
In Which the Grand Unified Force Separates into the Four Forces of Nature as We
Now Know Them, and the Universe Expands to
Many Times Its Original Size in a Very Short Period of Time
EXPANSION 7
In Which the Universe Continues to Expand, though not Quite as Quickly
PARTICLE-ANTIPARTICLE ANNIHILATION 9
In Which All the Antiparticles in the Universe Annihilate Almost All the Particl
es, Creating a Universe Made Up of Matter and
Photons
DEUTERIUM AND HELIUM PRODUCTION 12
In Which Many of the Protons and Neutrons in the Early Universe Combine to Form
Heavy Hydrogen and Helium
RECOMBINATION 14
In Which Electrons Combine with Hydrogen and Helium Nuclei, Producing Neutral At
oms
GALAXY FORMATION 15
In Which the Milky Way Galaxy Forms
TURBULENT FRAGMENTATION 17
In Which a Giant Cloud of Gas Fragments into Smaller Clouds, Which Become Protos
tars
MASSIVE STAR FORMATION 20
In Which a Massive Star Is Formed
STELLAR EVOLUTION 23
In Which Stars Evolve and Eventually Die
IRON PRODUCTION 25
In Which Iron Is Produced in the Core of a Massive Star, Resulting in Disaster
SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION 27
In Which a Massive Star Ends Its Life by Exploding
STAR FORMATION 30
In Which the Sun Forms
PLANETARY DIFFERENTIATION 32
In Which the Planet Earth Forms
VOLATILE GAS EXPULSION 36
In Which the Atmosphere of the Earth Is Produced
MOLECULAR REPRODUCTION 39
In Which Life on Earth Begins
PROTEIN CONSTRUCTION 41
In Which Proteins Are Made from Amino Acids
FERMENTATION 45
In Which Bacteria Obtain Energy from Their Surroundings
CELL DIFFERENTIATION 46
In Which Eukaryotic Life Arises
RESPIRATION 47
In Which Eukaryotes Evolve to Survive in an Atmosphere with Increasing Amounts o
f Oxygen
MULTICELLULAR ORGANISMS 48
In Which Organisms Composed of Multiple Cells Arise
SEXUAL REPRODUCTION 50
In Which a New Form of Reproduction Occurs
EVOLUTIONARY DIVERSIFICATION 54
In Which the Diversity of Life Forms on Earth Increases Greatly in a Relatively
Short Time
TRILOBITE DOMINATION 57
In Which Trilobites Rule the Earth
LAND EXPLORATION 58
In Which Animals First Venture Onto Land
COMET COLLISION 61
In Which a Comet Hits the Earth
DINOSAUR EXTINCTION 62
In Which the Dinosaurs Die
MAMMAL EXPANSION 63
In Which Many Species of Mammals Develop
HOMO SAPIENS MANIFESTATION 65
In Which Modern Human Beings Appear
LANGUAGE ACQUISITION 67
In Which Human Beings Develop Spoken Language
GLACIATION 71
In Which a Thousand-Year Ice Age Begins
INNOVATION 73
In Which Advanced Tools Are Widely Used
RELIGION 75
In Which a Diversity of Beliefs Arise
ANIMAL DOMESTICATION 76
In Which Humans Domesticate Animals
FOOD SURPLUS PRODUCTION 77
In Which Humans Develop Agriculture
INSCRIPTION 79
In Which Writing Is Invented
WARRING NATIONS 80
In Which Nation Battles Nation for Resources
EMPIRE CREATION AND DESTRUCTION 82
In Which the First Empire in Human History Comes and Goes
CIVILIZATION 87
In Which Many and Sundry Events Occur
CONSTITUTION 90
In Which a Constitution Is Written
INDUSTRIALIZATION 92
In Which Automated Manufacturing and Agriculture Revolutionize the World
WORLD CONFLAGRATIONS 94
In Which Most of the World Is at War
FISSION EXPLOSIONS 100
In Which Humans Develop Nuclear Weapons
COMPUTERIZATION 104
In Which Computers Are Developed
SPACE EXPLORATION 105
In Which Humans Begin to Explore Outer Space
POPULATION EXPLOSION 111
In Which the Human Population of the Earth Increases at a Very Rapid Pace
SUPERPOWER CONFRONTATION 113
In Which Two Powerful Nations Risk it All
INTERNET EXPANSION 118
In Which a Network of Computers Develops
RESIGNATION 120
In Which One Human Quits His Job
REUNIFICATION 126
In Which a Wall Goes Up and Then Comes Down
WORLD WIDE WEB CREATION 130
In Which a New Medium Is Created
COMPOSITION 132
In Which a Book Is Written
EXTRAPOLATION 134
In Which Future Events Are Discussed
COMPENDIOUS GLOSSARY 137
In Which Familiar and Unfamiliar Terms Are Defined
PREFACE
___________________________
I decided to try to write a popular book about the history of the universe after
I participated in the Seventh First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony at Harvard U
niversity in 1997. A considerable
number of such books had already been written, of course, ranging from the very
informative and humorous, such as Larry Gonick s The Cartoon History of the Univ
erse, to the not-so-informative or humorous, which I will not identify. However,
I felt that none of them really addressed the questions that had led me to stud
y
science in the first place: Where are we now? Where have we
been? Is there an amusing and informative way of describing the journey? These q
uestions are of interest to us all, or at least to all of us reading this partic
ular book.
The twentieth century saw scientific fields becoming so
complex that only a small number of specialists are able to master their techniq
ues and the mathematics used to describe them. And very few of these people have
the time and inclination to write amusing books describing the highlights, not
only of their own field, but also of other relevant fields. That is what I have
attempted to do in this book. It is up to the reader to judge whether I have suc
ceeded.
I read somewhere that each equation included in a popular
science book will halve the sales, but that this effect does not occur xiii
2
with Einstein s famous equation E=mc . Can you guess which
equation I included in this book?
In reading this book you will probably encounter some terms
with which you are unfamiliar. You will not be tested on these terms, but should
wish to review them, feel free to use the
extensive glossary at the end of the book.
Each of the fifty-three chapters in this book represents a
significant event in the history of the universe. The first page of each chapter
lets you know where and when the event occurred.
Time points early in the history of the universe give the time elapsed since the
Big Bang—these are usually written in scientific notation. You can look at the
glossary entry on “scientific
notation” for more information on how to interpret these numbers. Thank you for
buying this book. (If you are just browsing,
please reread this sentence after you purchase it; if you have checked it out of
the library, please thank the librarian and suggest that extra copies be ordere
d.) I hope that you enjoy it, that you learn from it, and that you recommend it
to friends, relatives, coworkers, acquaintances, bartenders, bus drivers, flight
attendants, random passers-by, and pretty much anyone else you happen to meet.
Eric Schulman
Alexandria, Virginia
December 16, 1998
xiv
10–43 seconds after the Big Bang The Universe
QUANTUM FLUCTUATION
In Which
Our Universe Begins
___________________________
O nce upon a time, long ago
and far away, there was a universe
very much like our own. It had
dogs, and cats, and people (some of
whom preferred the dogs and some
of whom preferred the cats), and
Trigoencephalopodic Gnoccis, and
other things of which you ve never
1
heard because we haven t
encountered them yet.
Like our own Universe, this one
was infinite in size, and one
interesting thing about infinite
universes is that anything that has
even a slight chance of happening
will be happening somewhere, even
if the probability is very very very very very very very very very very very ver
y very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very ver
y very 2
very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very
small.
Now it just so happened that
one of the effects of quantum
mechanics was that large amounts
of matter and energy could
spontaneously appear, even though
this rarely happened in a given
volume of space. Well, on this
particular once-upon-a-time, an
entire universe appeared. Its density
was more than 1000 billion billion
billion billion billion billion billion
3
billion billion billion times that of
water and its temperature was more
than 100,000 billion billion billion
degrees Fahrenheit. It immediately
began to expand, become less dense,
and cool off. Luckily for the
inhabitants of the first universe, the
new universe quickly became
detached from the old universe and
started expanding into a completely
different four-dimensional volume
of space.
This is the story of that
Universe, and of some of the things
that have happened in it during the
last 14 billion years.
4
QUANTUM FLUCTUATION
In Which
the Grand Unified Force Separates into the Four Forces
of Nature as We Now Know Them, and the Universe
Expands to Many Times Its Original Size in a Very Short
Period of Time
___________________________
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another beautiful diurnal period here at Univer
sal Downs. We re ready for the start of what should be a most exciting Cosmologi
cal Derby. There are just four forces competing today, but each and every one of
them is a champion in its own right.
“In the starting position it s Gravity, next is Strong Nuclear, Weak Nuclear, an
d finally a young filly named Electromagnetism. All four forces are lined up and
unified at the starting gate, waiting for the bell to announce the moment of th
e Big Bang, which will start this exciting race to determine which is the strong
est force in the Universe.
“There s the starting bell, and they re off!
5
“At 10-43 seconds it s Weak Nuclear neck and neck with
Electromagnetism and Strong Nuclear, with Gravity bringing up
the rear.
“It s still a little early in the race folks, just 10-38 seconds, but it looks l
ike Strong Nuclear might be making its move. Yes, at 10-37
seconds Strong Nuclear has broken away from Electromagnetism
and Weak Nuclear! The energy density is astounding, ladies and gentlemen, the Un
iverse is expanding exponentially! This is
turning out to be a real donnybrook!!
“We re at 10-36 seconds and it s still going. 10-35 seconds. 10-34
seconds....
“Oh wait…what s this? It s 10-33 seconds and I think... I think... yes indeed, l
adies and gentlemen! The transition to broken symmetry is complete at 10-32 seco
nds.
“Strong Nuclear is now about fourteen times stronger than
Electromagnetism, and the Universe is more than a billion billion billion billio
n billion billion times larger than it was at 10-37
seconds.
The crowd is going wild, they re throwing their sombreros into the air and shout
ing, “Higgs! Higgs! Higgs!”* Such a magnificent
showing by Strong Nuclear! What a force!”
*The four forces separated through a process called “spontaneous symmetry-breaki
ng,” caused by a
“Higgs field,” whose “potential” is sort of “sombrero-shaped.” While the fundame
ntal particle physicists frown at the lack of precision in this explanation, the
rest of us may continue on to the next chapter, which discusses parking places.
6
EXPANSION
In Which
the Universe Continues to Expand,
though not Quite as Quickly
___________________________
The Universe is expanding, but for some reason it never gets
any easier to find a parking place. There are a couple of reasons for this. Firs
t, the Universe is expanding very slowly: You would have to wait 65 million year
s for a one-mile block in the middle of space to expand enough to produce anothe
r parking space. The other
reason is that the gravitational attraction between all of the particles in the
Earth completely overcomes the expansion of the Universe, so even if you circled
a block on Earth for 65 million years it wouldn t get any bigger. Taking public
transportation would be a much more efficient use of your time.
But if the Universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? In order to answer
that question, let us imagine ourselves to be twodimensional creatures living on
the surface of a balloon. The only directions we know are backwards/forwards an
d right/left. Only the mathematicians among us have any concept of up/down, and
everyone else suspects that they are probably just making it up. Eventually howe
ver, some two-dimensional astronomers discover
7
that the balloon is expanding. How could that be? To an outside–that is to say,
three-dimensional–observer it would be obvious: the balloon is increasing in vol
ume and the surface of the balloon–the two-dimensional “universe”–is increasing
in area. However, these concepts are quite difficult for the two-dimensional inh
abitants of balloonland.
So am I saying that our Universe is like a three-dimensional
balloon expanding into a four-dimensional space? Well...maybe. But that would im
ply the Universe has a finite volume–astronomers call this type of universe “clo
sed”–and will eventually stop expanding and begin to recollapse. While this is p
ossible, many astronomers now consider it to be unlikely.
So what is the Universe really like? It appears most likely that the Universe is
infinite in extent–“open”–and will continue to expand forever, which implies th
at it is a three-dimensional hyperbolic paraboloid in four-dimensional space. Th
ink of it as the fourdimensional representation of a three-dimensional saddle. O
r, better yet, try not to worry about it at all. It won’t make it any easier to
find a parking place.
8
1 second after the Big Bang The Universe
PARTICLE-ANTIPARTICLE ANNIHILATION
In Which
All the Antiparticles in the Universe Annihilate Almost
All the Particles, Creating a Universe Made Up of
Matter and Photons
___________________________
THE FIRST BOOK OF GAMOV, CALLED
ORIGINS
CHAPTER 1, in which the Universe is transformed
In the beginning, God created the particles and the antiparticles.a Now the temp
erature was high, and the particles and the
antiparticles were in equilibrium, and the Spirit of God was
hoveringb over the Universe.
a Antiparticles are very much like particles, except that when particles and ant
iparticles meet they completely destroy each other and emit a burst of energetic
radiation. b In a four dimensional sense; God does move in mysterious ways some
times. 9
ORIGINS, 1
2 And God said, “Let there be light,” and some particles and antiparticles annih
ilated each other to produce photons, and there was light. God saw that the ligh
t was good, and He separated the photons from the particles and antiparticles. G
od called the
photons “bosons” and the particles and antiparticles He called
“fermions.”c And there was pair production and there was photon creation–the fir
st 10-43 seconds.
3 And God said, “Let there be an exponential expansion of the Universe to separa
te one part from another.” So God made an
exponential expansion of the Universe that separated the magnetic monopoles from
each other so that all attempts to find one would be futile. And it was so. God
called the exponential expansion
“inflation.” And there was vacuum energy density and there was inflation–the fir
st 10-32 seconds.
4 And God said, “Let the antiparticles and the particles be
gathered together, and let photons appear.” And it was so. God called the few re
maining particles “matter,” and the annihilated antiparticles He called “antimat
ter.” And God saw that it was
good. And there were neutrons and there were protons–the first second.
5 And God said, “Let there be nuclear reactions to produce
heavier elements.” And it was so. God made protons and neutrons combine to produ
ce deuterium nuclei, and the deuterium nuclei He combined to make helium nuclei.
And there was also some lithium and there was also some beryllium–the first thr
ee minutes.
c He called some of the particles and antiparticles bosons as well, but that’s a
nother story. 10
ORIGINS, 1
6 And God said, “Let the Universe teem with energetic photons, and let electrons
fly past atomic nuclei.” And it was so. God
blessed the particles and said, “Be fruitful and produce neutral atoms,” and the
radiation became less energetic and the electrons combined with atomic nuclei.
And God saw that it was good. And there was background radiation and there were
neutral atoms–the first 380,000 years.
7 And God said, “Let the density perturbations produce
collections of matter according to their kinds: stars, galaxies, and clusters of
galaxies, each according to its kind." And it was so. God made the clusters of
galaxies according to their kinds, and the galaxies according to their kinds, an
d the stars according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
8 Then God said, “Let us make gravity in our image, in our
likeness, and let it rule over the superclusters of galaxies, over the clusters
of galaxies, over the groups of galaxies, over the galaxies, over the clusters o
f stars, and over the solar systems.”
9 God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. And there was violent rela
xation and virialization–the first billion years. 10 By the first billion years
God had finished the work He had been doing; so after the first billion years He
rested from all His work. And God blessed the remaining time in the Universe, a
nd
made it holy, because during it He rested from all the work of creating that He
had done.
11
1 second after the Big Bang The Universe
DEUTERIUM AND HELIUM PRODUCTION
In Which
Many of the Protons and Neutrons in the Early Universe
Combine to Form Heavy Hydrogen and Helium
___________________________
The Taming of the Sneutrino
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY
PETRUCHIO, a proton
GRUMIO, a neutron
PETRUMIO, a deuteron
HORTENSIO, a deuteron
PETRUMSIO, a helium nucleus
ACT 1
Scene 1: Padua. A public place. Before the spatial domain of HORTENSIO.
Enter PETRUCHIO and GRUMIO
PETRUCHIO
Verona, for a while I take my leave,
To see my friends in Padua; but, of all,
My best belovéd and approvéd friend,
Hortensio; and I trow this is his spatial domain—
Here, sirrah Grumio; knock, I say.
GRUMIO
Knock, sir! whom should I knock? is there
any particle has rebused your worship?
12
PETRUCHIO Villain, I say, knock me here soundly.
GRUMIO
Knock you here, sir? why, sir, what am I, sir, that
I should knock you here, sir? 10
PETRUCHIO Villain, I say, knock me at this energy barrier,
And rap me well, or I ll knock your knave s hair.
GRUMIO tunnels through PETRUCHIO’s energy barrier, producing PETRUMIO , a deuter
on
Enter HORTENSIO
HORTENSIO. How now! what s the matter? My old friend Grumio and my good friend P
etruchio! How came you from Verona
and into Petrumio?
PETRUMIO tunnels through HORTENSIO’s energy barrier, producing PETRUMSIO , a hel
ium nucleus
Exit PETRUMSIO
13
380,000 years after the Big Bang The Universe
RECOMBINATION
In Which
Electrons Combine with Hydrogen and
Helium Nuclei, Producing Neutral Atoms
___________________________
OK atoms, let s get ready to do the recombination square dance!
Allemande left, photon hits on you,
Electron escapes; now you re through.
One on the right comes to your aid,
Meet a new electron and promenade!
While photons are hot, electrons are gone,
With photons cold, electrons come,
The Universe expands and cools,
So join your partner: obey the rules!
With photons flying far and wide,
Keep your electrons by your side.
While you may think this dance is square,
Fusion is coming, so take care.
You ll have a billion years of calm,
Before galaxies start to form.
But once the stars begin to shine,
You ll be missin this peaceful time.
14
10 billion years B.C. The Galaxy
GALAXY FORMATION
In Which
the Milky Way Galaxy Forms
___________________________
“All the News Prices may vary in areas from Everywhere” outside the Local Superc
luster
THE DAILY UNIVERSE
MONDAY, JUNE 21, 10,000,000,000 B.C.
MAJOR GALAXY FORMS IN
UNFASHIONABLE CLUSTER
_______________________
Could life develop there?
_______________________
LOCAL GROUP, 10 billion years B.C.—Another major galaxy formed today in the Loca
l Group, a collection of about two dozen galaxies located on the outskirts of th
e large Virgo Cluster of Galaxies. The new spiral galaxy has a mass of 500 billi
on solar masses (about 2 million billion billion billion billion pounds) and a 1
5
diameter of 100,000 light-years (a little less than a billion billion miles). It
is the second large galaxy to form in the Local Group in the past 100 million y
ears. Whether life will develop within either of these galaxies is still an open
question.
“The first stars formed just after the pregalactic cloud
began to collapse, and many of them reside in one of the hundreds of globular cl
usters in the new galaxy,” one observer reported. Globular clusters contain hund
reds of thousands of stars and orbit the new galaxy along elliptical paths. The
stars here are mostly hydrogen and helium so it is not expected that many planet
s will form, making it unlikely for life to arise around these stars. As the pre
galactic cloud began to collapse in earnest, the
cloud s slight rotation became faster and faster and the stars and gas formed a
disk. “This thin layer of stars and gas looks like a phonograph record and is ro
tating around the center of the galaxy at a speed of about half a million miles
per hour,” says another expert. It is expected that the intense star formation i
n this region of the new galaxy will result in large amounts of the elements nee
ded to form planets and life.
The chances for life may be highest near the center of the
galaxy, where the star formation is most intense. However, it is possible that s
upernova explosions will sterilize planets that orbit stars close to the center
of the galaxy. When asked to rate the chances of the first life in this galaxy a
rising as far away as 30,000
light-years from the center of the galaxy, one expert estimated the probability
to be “absurdly small.”
16
9 billion years B.C. The Galaxy
TURBULENT FRAGMENTATION
In Which
a Giant Cloud of Gas Fragments into Smaller Clouds,
Which Become Protostars
___________________________
a stellar nursery
IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU’VE PROBABLY
LOOKED UP AT THE SKY COUNTLESS TIMES TO
ADMIRE THE BEAUTIFUL STARRY NIGHT and
wished you could have the same effect in your own
home. You can! Because this month’s issue of Martha
Stellar Living is devoted to learning how to make a star. I love stars because t
hey provide an opportunity to be so
wonderfully creative with such simple ingredients. The
variations are endless! That cloud of gas you probably
have in your garden could be turned into an old standby
such as a Sun-like yellow star. And simply by adding a
bit of mass you can easily produce a brilliant blue
17
supergiant. It s just the nature of stars, and it s one of the many reasons why
I never tire of making them!
Of course, a well-stocked pantry makes the
preparation of stars much, much simpler. The ingredients,
for the most part, are not expensive. Magnetic fields are
most important and a good garden is an absolute must for
providing the necessary elements. My garden is modest,
only a few cubic parsecs in size-about 100,000 billion
billion billion billion billion cubic yards or so-but it
provides me with all the hydrogen, helium, and trace
elements necessary to make perfect stars every time.
To start, take a cloud with about ten thousand solar
masses of material. The cloud will be rotating, which is a
problem because of course angular momentum is
conserved. This is often very troubling to novices since
the traditional methods won t help here, but remember
that flexibility is an important part of being a good and
creative cook. So instead of dealing with each part of the
cloud individually, add a magnetic field to transfer some
of the angular momentum from the entire cloud to the
surrounding medium. Don t rush this step-you need to
wait a full million or even ten million years before
proceeding if you want a perfect star. You can put this
time to good use though: there s always plenty to do
around the house and lots of suggestions can be found in
18
my new book, Martha Stellar’s Helpful Hints for
Heavenly Households.
Ah, that looks so great. Your cloud should now be
relatively smooth, with just a few lumps here and there.
At this point, add some random motion to the mixture,
and watch as this turbulence fragments it into smaller and
smaller pieces. Each one of these pieces can be turned
into a perfect star, and the next article will show you
how!
19
8.99 billion years B.C. The Galaxy
MASSIVE STAR FORMATION
In Which
a Massive Star Is Formed
___________________________
stars in the making
IN THE LAST ARTICLE I SHOWED YOU HOW TO
TURN A GIANT MOLECULAR CLOUD INTO SOME
LOVELY PROTOSTARS, AND now it’s time to learn
how to turn one of these into a perfect star.
Now, it is imperative that your protostar be cool,
between -440 and -445 degrees Fahrenheit (that s
between 8 and 11 Kelvin for you absolute temperature
scale fans). As long as you keep it transparent the
radiation will escape from the center and the temperature
will be stable. Remember that you can t get a perfect star
if it is heated unevenly during formation, so never skimp
on these details. After a few thousand years, the central
regions should become dense and begin to collapse faster
than the rest. The density and pressure should increase
20
until the central regions reach a temperature of about
3,140 degrees Fahrenheit, at which point the hydrogen
molecules (H2) begin to break into hydrogen atoms,
spurring further collapse until a temperature of about
53,540 degrees Fahrenheit is reached in the core. This
increase in core temperature should occur over a period
of a few hundred thousand years-remember not to rush
things-and the surface temperature will increase from
-270 degrees Fahrenheit to a most satisfactory 4,940
degrees Fahrenheit.
At this point the time required for the next step
depends greatly on the final mass you want the star to
have. Because I insist on offering only the very best to
my guests, I usually make a massive star of about 15
solar masses. And since such stars don t take as long to
make, I can create more of them. While a star the mass of
the Sun would take 40 million years to complete the
protostar phase, a 15 solar mass star needs only 60,000
years. Of course, the more massive star will live for only
10 million years rather than 10 billion, but that can be an
advantage since I like to redecorate fairly frequently.
Also, the more massive star is more luminous (by a factor
of 21,000), hotter (it has a surface temperature of 60,000
degrees Fahrenheit rather than 10,000), and has a larger
diameter (by a factor of 10). Still, since less massive stars
are cool, they are red, so I sometimes make a number of
21
low-mass stars just for a little variety in color.
Remember, the star clusters you create can be elaborate,
elegant, and quite substantial at the same time. Don t
forget that the final mass of each star will depend
somewhat on the environment of the protostar-be sure to
prepare the region ahead of time so there will be no
errors.
Okay, we re about ready to finish up here. Just a
few more details. In the final stages, the core temperature
increases to a few hundred thousand degrees Fahrenheit,
the hydrogen is ionized, and then the star contracts to its
final radius. Once the core temperature is high enough
(millions of degrees Fahrenheit), nuclear fusion
commences, and a new star is born. Remember that
throughout this process, organization is of utmost
importance. Make sure that your ingredients are ready
when they are needed-knowing when and where to add
more material is absolutely essential for making a perfect
star. For example, if the star rotates too quickly, it could
end up with an active surface, and it will not make for a
lovely presentation. And with stars, as with so many
other things, presentation makes perfect!
22
STELLAR EVOLUTION
In Which
Stars Evolve and Eventually Die
___________________________
OK, STELLAR RECRUITS, IT S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN
WHAT S REALLY IN STORE FOR YOU! I KNOW THAT BEFORE YOU
SIGNED UP TO BE A MASSIVE STAR YOU READ THE FANCY
BROCHURES THAT TALKED ABOUT HOW BRIGHTLY YOU D BE
SHINING AND HOW YOU D BE VISIBLE FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE
GALAXY. BUT YOU MO-RONS MUST NOT HAVE BOTHERED TO
READ THE FINE PRINT THAT SAID THAT YOU D EXPLODE IN SEVEN
MILLION YEARS! AND IF YOU DID READ IT THEN YOU RE EVEN
STUPIDER THAN YOU LOOK. SEVEN MILLION YEARS IS NOT A LONG
TIME!
NOW YOU RE BURNING HYDROGEN TO HELIUM DEEP INSIDE
YOU AND YOUR CORE IS GETTING DENSER AND DENSER. AFTER
THAT LITTLE SEVEN MILLION YEAR VACATION IS OVER, YOU POOR
SLOBS WILL HAVE USED UP ALL THE HYDROGEN CLOSE TO YOUR
CENTER. YOUR CORE WILL COLLAPSE UNDER ITS OWN WEIGHT
UNTIL IT BECOMES HOT ENOUGH TO START FUSING HELIUM.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE CORE YOU SHRINKING VIOLETS WILL
CONTRACT UNTIL THE HYDROGEN THERE IS HOT ENOUGH TO FUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE ENERGY FROM THIS
23
FUSION? IT WILL BE TRANSMITTED TO YOUR OUTER LAYERS AND
YOU LL SWELL UP TO A HUNDRED TIMES YOUR ORIGINAL SIZE!
AFTER THAT YOU HAVE LESS THAN A MILLION YEARS
BEFORE YOU GO OUT WITH A BANG AS A SUPERNOVA. IF YOU RE
LUCKY, YOU LL WIND UP BEING A NEUTRON STAR, BUT KNOWING
YOUR TYPE YOU LL PROBABLY END UP AS A BLACK HOLE AND
TURN INTO A SINGULARITY OF INFINITE DENSITY AND ZERO
VOLUME. YOU RECRUITS ACT LIKE YOU RE ALMOST DENSE
ENOUGH ALREADY.
YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO BE A LOWER-MASS STAR,
YOU KNOW. THEN YOUR HYDROGEN WOULD HAVE LASTED
BILLIONS OR TRILLIONS OF YEARS. YOU D STILL HAVE GONE
THROUGH A GIANT PHASE, BUT AFTER FUSING HELIUM TO CARBON
YOU D HAVE SETTLED DOWN AND SLOWLY COOLED OFF AS A
WHITE DWARF. NOW THAT S A PLEASANT RETIREMENT.
OF COURSE, KNOWING YOU, YOU D PROBABLY HAVE HUNG
OUT WITH SOME LOOSE STAR, GOTTEN TOO MUCH MASS FROM
THEM, AND BEEN COMPLETELY DISRUPTED IN A SUPERNOVA
EXPLOSION. YOUR TYPE MAKES ME SICK! OK, ENOUGH CHATTER,
TIME FOR YOU TO USE THOSE ULTRAVIOLET PHOTONS OF YOURS
TO CLEAN UP THIS MOLECULAR CLOUD. THERE S DUST
EVERYWHERE AND YOUR MOTHERS AREN T HERE TO CLEAN IT UP
FOR YOU. GO TO IT! NOW! NOW! NOW! ON THE DOUBLE!
24
IRON PRODUCTION
In Which
Iron Is Produced in the Core of a Massive Star, Resulting
in Disaster
___________________________
Once upon a time there were three stars, a little
star (0.1 solar masses), a medium star (1 solar mass), and
a big star (25 solar masses). All three were busy fusing
hydrogen to helium, but because their masses were not
the same, they each went about it in a different way.
The little star shone only as brightly as it thought
wise, and used up its hydrogen fuel very slowly. Even
though it had ten times less hydrogen than the medium
star, it knew that its hydrogen would last 300 times
longer (3 trillion years, in fact).
The medium star used up its hydrogen in 10 billion
years and then started fusing helium to carbon and
oxygen. But the helium only lasted a billion years, after
which the medium star decided to be content with being a
slowly cooling white dwarf.
25
But the big star was boastful and proud. “I m more
massive than my siblings; I will show them how brightly
I can shine." Even though it had 25 times more hydrogen
than the medium star, it used it up 1,400 times faster, and
the hydrogen only lasted 7 million years. Then the big
star started fusing helium to carbon, but that only lasted
half a million years. In desperation, it started to fuse
carbon to neon, which lasted only 600 years. After that it
tried fusing neon (one year), oxygen (six months), and
silicon (one day). It was left with a core of one and a half
solar masses of iron at a temperature of 10 billion degrees
Fahrenheit. And unfortunately for the big star, the
protons and neutrons in iron nuclei are so tightly bound
together that iron fusion doesn t produce energy. Now the
big star felt as though 7 billion billion billion elephants
were pressing down on its core, and the temperature rose
even more until energetic photons completely
disintegrated the iron nuclei. Within a fraction of a
second, the core of the star imploded.
The moral of the story: The big star thought that 7
million years was a long time and that it didn t have to
worry about such a distant future. After the hydrogen was
gone, it realized that such wasteful energy production
may not have been the wisest course of action, but it was
too late to do anything about it.
26
SUPERNOVA EXPLOSION
In Which
a Massive Star Ends Its Life by Exploding
___________________________
“Hum Parsec to Star Command, come in, Star
Command. This is Hum Parsec reporting from the
Milky Way Galaxy. My survey has just begun and
I ve found something interesting. Come in, Star
Command!”
“This is Star Command, Parsec, we read you. What
have you to report?”
“I ve found a star that s about to explode, Star
Command! According to my neutrino detector,
silicon burning should be almost complete. There it
goes, the core has collapsed! The density in the
interior of the star is so high that electrons are
combining with protons to make neutrons, which is
releasing a billion billion billion billion billion billion
neutrinos.”
27
“Don t get cocky, Parsec! Even though individual
neutrinos very rarely interact with matter, that many
neutrinos could easily fry you. Remember, we need
your report!”
“Luckily for me, the density in the core is high
enough that the neutrinos can t all escape
immediately, so I m safe for the moment. According
to my measurements, the inner regions of the star
are collapsing at almost 15% of the speed of light!
They re about to hit the newly formed neutron star.
Wow, what a shock wave! The material has
rebounded and is flying away from the center of the
star. It s going to take a few hours for the shock
wave to reach the outer parts of the star, but
meanwhile the high densities and neutrino fluxes
are triggering fusion in the material and creating a
whole host of elements heavier than iron.”
“Get out of there fast, Parsec! That supernova will
soon be more luminous than all the other stars in
the Galaxy combined!”
“Roger that. I m outta here!”
□
28
“Come in, Star Command, this is Hum Parsec
again. I am safely away from the supernova and am
now able to report on the effects it is having on the
surrounding area. Nearby clouds of hydrogen and
helium gas are being compressed by the force of
the explosion, and the heavy elements it created
are being mixed with the clouds. Some of these
clouds are now dense enough to become
protostars, but the amount of metals is probably too
small to create planets. After a few more cycles of
star formation and supernova explosions, however,
this galaxy will almost certainly be full of stars with
planetary systems.”
“Make a full report of potential planetary systems
and be sure to let us know if you find any that might
be capable of supporting life. The Galaxy is
depending on you, Hum Parsec!”
“Will do. This is Hum Parsec, signing off.”
29
4.6 billion years B.C. The Solar System
STAR FORMATION
In Which
the Sun Forms
___________________________
The following message is brought to you by GALSA, the
Galactic Association of Licensed Stellar Agents
□
“Because you wouldn’t want to trust your planets to just any star.”
“We re so glad we chose a GALSA star buyer s agent to find the right star for us
. My husband and I wanted a star with a big enough habitable zone that we could
have life on at least one planet, but we didn t have a lot of resources to spend
. The buyer s agent showed us seven stars between 0.8 and 0.9 solar masses, but
they just weren t right for us.”
"Because they were looking in the 0.8 to 0.9 solar mass range, I knew that the s
urface temperature of these stars would be on the low side for their purposes. T
he stars would be emitting only 30 to 60 percent of the energy that a one solar
mass star emits. But since they told me the mass range they d be comfortable wit
h, I had to trust that they knew what they wanted, so I only showed them stars i
n that mass range.”
“The GALSA buyer’s agent didn t put any pressure on us to increase our desired s
tellar mass range, even after we didn t find anything we liked. But my husband a
nd I talked it over and decided we had the resources to go up to 1.0 solar masse
s after all.”
30
“Once they raised their threshold to 1.0 solar masses, I had a much larger numbe
r of suitable stars that I could show them. They picked out five to examine in d
etail.”
“The first three stars were just OK, and the fourth one my husband liked because
it was in a good neighborhood, but I just fell in love with the fifth star we l
ooked at. It was exactly 1.0 solar masses and there were nine planets forming ar
ound it, one of which was at a distance of 93
million miles from the star. Stars produce more energy with time, so the locatio
n of the habitable zone changes, but we calculated that this planet would be hab
itable for at least six billion years, by which time we will have long since ret
ired. By then any life forms we decide to have should be big enough to take care
of themselves.”
“I m glad that they were able to find a star that would make them happy, and I m
glad that I was able to help. I do a lot of big business throughout the Galaxy,
but young couples finding their first star system always remind me of why I m i
n the star system business in the first place.”
“Since we were planning on having little ones, we had the usual lead and radon i
nspections done. They found only 1 part per 10 billion of lead and no detectable
radon in the star, which set our minds at ease. After getting a loan for the ne
cessary resources, we signed the final papers and the star system was ours. And
we owe it all to our GALSA buyer’s agent.”
31
4.5 billion years B.C. The Earth
PLANETARY DIFFERENTIATION
In Which
the Planet Earth Forms
___________________________
“Welcome back to the Planets Show on the Galactic
Value Channel. On the phone we have Marcia, who just
bought P-21668, Jupiter. Hello, Marcia! How has your
day been so far?”
“It s been great, just great, Tammi! How has your day
been?”
“It s been wonderful! Tell me, Marcia, what made you
decide to purchase Jupiter?”
“Well, I ll tell you, when I saw that it was forming in the
outer solar system where the temperature is low and
water could condense to form icy planetesimals, I knew
that it would end up being massive enough to hold onto
all its hydrogen and helium, and that it would be large
enough to be a fantastic new fashion staple. Having so
many moons was an added bonus for me. Also, I don t
32
have a lot of time to wait for delivery, so the fact that it
will only take about 10 million years to form was
important to me.”
“Well Marcia, it was great talking to you, and I m sure
you ll enjoy your new planet.
“Now it s time for today s special value, P-62164, the
Earth, and it s safe to say it will not last. It s a terrestrial planet, which a
s you know is the number-one best-selling
planetary type in our GVC collection. First, let me show
you the width. As you can see, it comes in at just about
8000 miles. The Earth and the other terrestrial planets are
forming close to the sun out of kilometer-sized chunks of
rock. Because the temperature in the inner solar system is
too high for ice to survive, the terrestrial planets have
only about 10 percent of the planetesimals available to
the outer planets, and therefore will not become massive
enough to hold onto hydrogen and helium. It will be a
beautiful mixture of brown and blue, with about 70
percent of its surface covered by water. Isn t that
wonderful? Just imagine relaxing in your very own ocean
after a long hard day. Big oceans like this are perfect for
entertaining: you could have the whole Solar
Neighborhood over!
33
“Oh my goodness, today s special value has just sold
out!!! You know, when I saw that it was on the schedule
I heard the writing on the wall and just knew it would go
fast. Let s talk now with the buyer. Hi, Charlene, and
welcome to the Planets Show. How are you?”
“I m just fine. How are you?”
“I m doing great! Tell me, Charlene, why did you go for
this planet?”
“Well, you know it s just so versatile, and when I saw
that it was a special value I knew that I had to have it,
even though it will take 100 million years to completely
form. I was especially impressed by the way in which
molten iron will percolate down through the silicate
mantle to produce a spinning metallic core. I like my
planets to have magnetic fields, you know, and that s one
of the best ways to get one.”
“It surely is. Charlene, please tell us how you re going to
use your new planet.”
“Well, it looks so terrific that I m sure it s going to be a
beautiful complement to my other planets. After the
formation process is mostly complete, I m expecting an
atmosphere to form from the emission of volatile gases
34
from volcanoes, as well as from comet impacts. I might
even decide to evolve some life down there.”
“Well you know, Charlene, if you re looking to have life
on your planet, then you might want to look into our
giant moon option, which will help keep the tilt of the
planet s spin axis constant and therefore provide a more
stable environment for your organisms. It is a little bit
more expensive, however.”
“Why is that, Tammi?”
“In order to get such a large moon we would have to
smash a protoplanet a few times more massive than Mars
into the Earth. But I think the extra cost would be well
worth it for you.”
“That sounds just great. I ll definitely go for the giant
moon option.”
“Well thank you so much for shopping on GVC,
Charlene, and enjoy your new planet!”
“Oh, I will, Tammi. Good-bye.”
“Bye now. You take care.”
35
VOLATILE GAS EXPULSION
In Which
the Atmosphere of the Earth Is Produced
___________________________
A forming planet:
Giant impacts destroy the
Early atmosphere.
To the new planet,
Asteroids and comets give
Volatile gases.
Volcanoes emit
Water, carbon dioxide,
And other gases.
Ultraviolet light
Dissociates some water,
Making oxygen.
36
Carbon dioxide,
In excess, will heat the Earth.
Balance is needed.
CO2 dissolves
To form carbonic acid,
H2CO3.
H2CO3
On rocks produces limestone,
CaCO3.
Subducted limestone
Feeds volcanoes that release
Carbon dioxide.
High temperatures mean
More evaporation and
Dissolved CO2.
As the CO2
Gets turned into limestone,
The temperature falls.
37
Low temperatures mean
Less evaporation and
CO2 builds up.
The CO2 then
Acts to heat the atmosphere:
Rising temperatures.
The cycle goes on
For billions of years; watch as
The Sun gets brighter.
A bright Sun means that
Less heating is needed: More
CO2 in rocks.
On the early Earth
There was a thousand times more
Carbon dioxide.
Our atmosphere is
A very nice temperature:
Thank our friends, the rocks.
38
4 billion years B.C. The Earth
MOLECULAR REPRODUCTION
In Which
Life on Earth Begins
___________________________
It was a dark and stormy night. In the shallow tide
pool, a nucleic acid base collided with a sugar molecule. An
amino acid sank beneath the murky depths. The tide pool had
once been connected to the sea, but since then an army of
sluggish days had marched by and evaporation had increased
the concentration of organic molecules. Things had been
tough for a long time, but now it was easier for small chains
of molecules to form. The air above the pool smelled of rotten sweetness. A long
er chain with a sinister look formed on the
clay bottom, but then a speedy molecule slammed into it like
brass knuckles on a Ming vase and disappeared into the night.
Suddenly there was a bright flash of light and a giant
explosion! A comet had crashed to Earth nearby. In the upper
atmosphere, the water, methane, nitrogen, carbon dioxide,
and hydrogen sulfide that composed the comet had been
shock heated and converted into dozens of different organic
molecules. They sped downward toward the tide pool. The
shock wave from the impact hit the pool, increasing the
39
temperature of the water like a match in a bathtub still. Short chains of molecu
les were buffeted about like a washed-up
boxer just before he takes a dive.
When the Sun rose in the morning, its bright
ultraviolet light sped things up. Many complex chains of
molecules were formed in the newly enriched tide pool. One
of the new chains had the unique property that it could
reproduce itself using the molecules in the tide pool as raw
materials. The simple molecules of the tide pool began to feel like swimmers wit
h concrete galoshes.
It didn t take long before most of the bit players had
been consumed and the tide pool was filled with copies of the
new chain. Then a high tide came in and washed many of the
big boys out to sea, where they began to prey upon a new set
of short, helpless chains of molecules.
The long chains of molecules continued to reproduce
themselves in a shallow bay near the tide pool by feasting
upon the smaller chains in the area. Some of the long chains
lost the ability to produce reproducing copies of themselves,
but every so often a molecular chain formed that could
reproduce itself even better than the rest, and soon the area
was swarming with this kind of chain. The process led from
complex chains of molecules to even more complicated
groups of molecules. Today we call them bacteria.
Four billion years ago, they were the first life on Earth.
40
PROTEIN CONSTRUCTION
In Which
Proteins Are Made from Amino Acids
___________________________
WARNING
FAILURE TO FOLLOW THE ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS IN
THIS MANUAL MAY RESULT IN DEATH, DISEASE, OR
OTHER SERIOUS INJURY TO YOU AND/OR TO
NEIGHBORING ORGANISMS. USE CAUTION DURING
ASSEMBLY AND USE. READ ALL INFORMATION
CAREFULLY BEFORE STARTING ASSEMBLY.
WARNING
Thank you for purchasing a genetic code from Genetic Codes,
Incorporated. We at GenCod are pleased to provide you with a
genetic code that will allow for a wide variety of design
possibilities. With proper care, your genetic code can last for billions of year
s or longer.
These instructions for protein assembly using your GenCod
genetic code will help insure that your protein synthesis goes smoothly and quic
kly. Be advised that any variation could result in unsatisfactory and/or dangero
us proteins and a possible voiding of your warranty.
41
Your GenCod genetic code uses five nucleic acids:
• Adenine (A)
• Thymine (T)
• Guanine (G)
• Cytosine (C)
• Uracil (U)
Please note that deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) uses ATGC, while
ribonucleic acid (RNA) uses AUGC, with uracil replacing
thymine. Adenine always bonds with thymine in DNA and with
uracil in RNA. Thymine always bonds with adenine, guanine
always bonds with cytosine, cytosine always bonds with guanine, and uracil alway
s bonds with adenine.
DIRECTIONS:
1. To synthesize a protein, first partially uncoil the desired strand of DNA and
produce a matching strand of RNA. For example, if
your DNA strand begins with CGT, then your RNA strand will
begin with GCA. After the copying process is complete, take the RNA strand to th
e protein synthesis site.
2. Once the RNA has been moved to the protein synthesis site,
begin reading the strand in groups of three nucleotides each–known as codons–and
adding amino acids using the table below. For example, if your RNA strand start
ed with GGAAUCGUA,
then you would begin your protein with glycine (GGA), isoleucine (AUC), and vali
ne (GUA). Continue until you have reached a stop codon (UAA, UAG, or UGA). Your
protein is now complete. Its
function is determined by its three-dimensional structure, which is defined by t
he order of its amino acids.
42
YOUR GENCOD GENETIC CODE
Codon Amino Acid
Codon Amino Acid
UUU phenylalanine
UCU serine
UUC phenylalanine
UCC serine
UUA leucine
UCA serine
UUG leucine
UCG serine
CUU leucine
CCU proline
CUC leucine
CCC proline
CUA leucine
CCA proline
CUG leucine
CCG proline
AUU isoleucine
ACU threonine
AUC isoleucine
ACC threonine
AUA isoleucine
ACA threonine
AUG methionine
ACG threonine
GUU valine
GCU alanine
GUC valine
GCC alanine
GUA valine
GCA alanine
GUG valine
GCG alanine
UAU tyrosine
UGU cysteine
UAC tyrosine
UGC cysteine
UAA stop
UGA stop
UAG stop
UGG tryptophan
CAU histidine
CGU arginine
CAC histidine
CGC arginine
CAA glutamine
CGA arginine
CAG glutamine
CGG arginine
AAU asparagine
AGU serine
AAC asparagine
AGC serine
AAA lysine
AGA arginine
AAG lysine
AGG arginine
GAU aspartic acid
GGU glycine
GAC aspartic acid
GGC glycine
GAA glutamic acid
GGA glycine
GAG glutamic acid
GGG glycine
43
CAUTION: Your GenCod genetic code assumes that you will only be using left-hande
d (L-) amino acids. Mixing right-handed (D-) amino acids and left-handed amino a
cids will almost certainly result in malformed proteins and could cause death, d
isease, or other serious injury to you and/or to neighboring organisms. Refer to
the diagram for pictures of L-alanine and D-alanine, the two stereoisomers of t
he amino acid alanine.
H D-alanine
|
O-H—C—H H O-H H
\ | | \ | |
C — C — N—H C — C — N—H
/ | | / | |
O H H O H—C—H H
|
L-alanine H
Your GenCod genetic code has been specially designed to be as
error-free as possible-for example, if a mutation changed a GCA codon into a GCG
codon, then no change in the protein would
occur since they both code for alanine. Despite the fact that your GenCod geneti
c code has been shown in laboratory tests to be
more resilient to errors than 99.9999% of the possible genetic codes, some error
s are inevitable and this should not be seen as a defect in our product. In fact
, without such errors evolution would be impossible, and you would be unable to
use the full power of your GenCod genetic code.
Thank you for purchasing a genetic code from Genetic Codes, Incorporated. We hop
e that it will provide you with billions of years of satisfactory use.
44
FERMENTATION
In Which
Bacteria Obtain Energy from Their Surroundings
___________________________
Polymers in the ocean get made
When organic compounds are sautéed
By lightning or heat,
Or a UV-light treat,
So that sugars like glucose pervade.
Early life on the Earth had to eat,
And glucose was a favorite treat.
Fermentation reduced
The glucose, and produced
Ethanol, CO , and some heat.
2
“When there s lots of glucose that works fine,
But the levels are dropping with time.
If we made our own food,
It would really be shrewd–
Photosynthesis would be sublime.
“With CO and light in the mix,
2
I can make C H O
6
12
6
And this glucose, you see,
Can be eaten by me,
So I m no longer in such a fix.”
45
CELL DIFFERENTIATION
In Which
Eukaryotic Life Arises
___________________________
PROTOEROZOIC FREE PRESS June 6, 2,100,000,000 B.C. _____________________________
_____________________________________________________________
PERSONALS—CALL 1-900-SYMBIOS
Are you interested in experimenting? Going beyond boring old
symbiosis? Do you want to become part of your partner, or have your partner beco
me part of you? If so, you ve come to the right place to find the partner you ve
always dreamed of!
Hosts Seeking Endosymbionts
Endosymbionts Seeking Hosts
Recently nucleated cell seeks cyanoPurple aerobic heterotroph wants to bacterium
to become chloroplast. I’ll supply a become a mitochondrion for a caring protec
tive environment with carbon dioxide, proteobacterium. I long to turn sugar and
water, and access to light, you supply the oxygen into energy, water, and carbon
chlorophyll, produce carbohydrates, and dioxide for you. Give me a call, you wo
n’t release oxygen. Together we can change the be disappointed! Ext. 3
atmosphere! Ext. 1
___________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Tired of doing everything yourself? Let
If you can turn carbohydrates into energy, me do the photosynthesis for you! I’l
l slip then you’ve got what I need, baby. I can’t wait inside your cell walls an
d give you a to devour you! Ext. 2 lifetime of satisfaction. Ext. 4
46
RESPIRATION
In Which
Eukaryotes Evolve to Survive in an Atmosphere with
Increasing Amounts of Oxygen
___________________________
FORAMINIFERA V 4.3
Enter DINOFLAGELLATE, DIPLOMONAD,
MICROSPORIDIAN , and TRICHOMONAD
20 FORAMY.
If we are marked to die, we are enough
To do our Kingdom loss: and if to live,
The fewer organisms, the greater share of honor.
For in this era of increasing oxygen levels we must evolve,
And should we succeed then shall our names
Be as familiar as household words:
Dinoflagellate and Diplomonad,
Microsporidian and Trichomonad.
This story shall all good eukaryotes teach their offspring:
And a geologic era shall never go by,
30
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of protists,
For those today that change their metabolic processes with me
Shall be my siblings: be they never so vile,
This day shall gentle their condition.
And acritarchs home a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here;
And hold their honor cheap, while any speaks
That evolved with us today!
47
750 million years B.C. The Earth
MULTICELLULAR ORGANISMS
In Which
Organisms Composed of Many Specialized Cells Arise
___________________________
ASSOCIATIVE DISORDERS
(or SINGLE PERSONALITY NEUROSES)
The essential feature of these disorders is the alteration of
individual cells to become mutually dependent upon one another for various cellu
lar functions. If it occurs with identical cells (as in Colonial Organism Disord
er), then the cells become temporarily or permanently associated but little inte
gration of cellular activities occurs. If the cells are not identical (as in Mul
ticellular Organism Disorder), then cell specialization occurs to a lesser exten
t (as in Simple Multicellular Organism Disorder) or a greater one (as in Complex
Multicellular Organism Disorder).
314.16 Colonial Organism Disorder
The essential feature of this disorder is the existence of only one distinct sta
te of being within a group of identical cellular
organisms. A state of being is defined here as an enduring pattern of existence
wherein the individual cells combine to participate in food consumption or produ
ction, reproduction, and locomotion as a single entity. In classic cases, the co
llection of cells is
48
permanently associated as a colonial organism; in other cases, transient collect
ions of cells can form a temporary aggregation.
Diagnostic criterion for 314.15 Colonial Organism Disorder
A. The existence of only one distinct state of being within a group of identical
cellular organisms.
314.15 Multicellular Organism Disorder
The essential feature of this disorder is the existence of one distinct state of
being within a group of non-identical cellular organisms. A state of being is d
efined here as an enduring pattern of existence wherein the individual cells com
bine to participate in food
consumption or production, reproduction, and locomotion as a
single entity. In classic cases (Complex Multicellular Organism Disorder), a lar
ge amount of cellular specialization occurs, with different types of cells being
responsible for locomotion,
reproduction, and other cellular functions. In other cases (Simple Multicellular
Organism Disorder), only a limited amount of
cellular specialization occurs.
Diagnostic criterion for 314.16 Multicellular Organism Disorder A. The existence
of only one distinct state of being within a group of non-identical cellular or
ganisms.
49
SEXUAL REPRODUCTION
In Which
a New Form of Reproduction Occurs
___________________________
TERRI! Show script
Air Date: April 12, 700,000,000 B.C.
Rehearsal Date: April 10, 700,000,000 B.C.
TERRI: Welcome to the Terri! Show.
Boy, do we have a program for you
today! I m sure you ve heard all about
the hot new “lifestyle choice” that s
just hit the unicellular community:
protozoan chromosome swapping. Today
we have with us two pair of protozoans
who have swapped chromosomes. We will
protect their identities by calling
them Protozoans 1, 2, 3, and 4.
[Zoom in on four protozoans sitting in
chairs. Words appear at the bottom of
50
the screen below each: PARTICIPATES IN
CHROMOSOME SWAPPING.]
TERRI: Tell me Protozoan 1, why did
you choose to swap chromosomes?
Protozoan 1: Well, Terri, it just
feels so good to be able to exchange
advantageous characteristics with
loved ones. For example, if I develop
a more efficient method of locomotion,
I want my sweetheart to be able to
move in the same way.
TERRI: Interesting. Protozoan 2, can
you tell me more about how chromosome
swapping works?
Protozoan 2: When we re in the mood,
my lover and I merge and share
protoplasm, during which we do the
chromosome swapping. Afterwards we
separate and during our next cell
division, our new chromosomes are
used.
51
TERRI: That s fascinating. Tell me,
Protozoan 3, where do you imagine this
leading?
Protozoan 3: Terri, I want to be able
to join with my partners more
intimately by giving them all of my
chromosomes while keeping copies for
myself. Then we ll all be able to use
the best genetic ideas.
TERRI: I see. Protozoan 4, do you have
anything to add?
Protozoan 4: Yes, Terri, I do. I agree
with what Protozoan 3 has to say, but
I foresee an even greater advance, in
which instead of reproducing by
dividing into two identical cells, we
divide into four cells, each
containing half of our genetic
information. These cells would then be
able to join with cells from other
protozoans, and we would have a very
efficient method of producing new
traits, which could then be tested via
natural selection. I call it sexual
52
reproduction and I think everyone will
be doing it soon.
TERRI: We have some questions from the
audience. Go ahead.
First audience member: Don t you
really think that this is all a
completely disgusting perversion of
nature?
Second audience member: Yeah, It s
worse than those perverts from last
week who were picking up whatever
genetic material they happened to find
floating around!
Other audience members: It s
disgusting! Get them off the stage!!
I m not letting my daughter cells
listen to such filth!!!
[Members of the audience rush to the
stage and a huge fight breaks out as
Terri pretends to try to calm everyone
down. There is screaming and shouting,
and the camera shakes back and forth
before it goes dark.]
53
EVOLUTIONARY DIVERSIFICATION
In Which
the Diversity of Life Forms on Earth Increases Greatly in
a Relatively Short Time
___________________________
Space Exploration Program Off to a Roaring Start
Bacterial scientists an-only five billion years
nounced today that the first the sun will run out of
stage of a 500-million-year hydrogen in the core and
space program had been expand to engulf the
successfully completed.
Earth. Dr. PalaeolyngThe head of the project, Dr. bya s team is responsible Pala
eolyngbya, reported
for developing the capthe results at the annual ability to explore the meeting o
f RAAC, the solar system and the
Rodinia Association for the Galaxy for new places to
Advancement of Cyano-live. “When we started
bacteria.
this project fifteen
Bacterial astronomers
million years ago,”
recently discovered that in explained Dr. Palaeo54
lyngbya, “we hoped to be Dr. Gloeocapsomorpha
able to develop simple is leading the effort to
multicellular organisms
evolve the arthropods
that would then evolve into into “intelligent” crealife forms we could use to tu
res that will be able to explore the Galaxy. The build space ships to
results have exceeded our leave the Earth, taking
wildest dreams.”
bacteria volunteers with
“It only took about them. “Because most
three million years for us to arthropods are protected
develop quite a wide by chitinous shells, they
variety of animals, in-should be very well precluding sponges, mollusks, pared f
or the dangerous brachiopods, segmented
tasks ahead of them,”
and non-segmented worms, explained Dr. Gloeocaparthropods, echinoderms, somorpha
. and chordates,” noted Dr.
Although the arthroLangiella, another member pods appear to have the of the team
.
best chance to complete
“We re off to a great the project, a small group
start, but the next part of is trying to evolve the
the project will take a chordates. “It s never a
much longer time,” stated good idea to depend on
Dr. Gloeocapsomorpha.
just one kind of
55
organism,” pointed out Dr. develop the capability
Kidstoniella, who leads the for space flight, and then
chordate group. “That s another few hundred
why we decided to develop million years to comso many at the start. For pletely
colonize the example, my chordates Galaxy.
appear to have the potential
“We should have
to develop quite a
plenty of time,” Dr.
sophisticated nervous sys-Palaeolyngbya said at the
tem if they manage to conclusion of the meetsurvive long enough.”
ing, “but it s always
The bacterial scientists better to be safe than
estimate that it will take sorry.”
about half a billion years to
56
TRILOBITE DOMINATION
In Which
Trilobites Rule the Earth
___________________________
Two million score and seven years ago our ancestors brought forth upon this plan
et a new subphylum: conceived in the Cambrian, and dedicated to the proposition
that all arthropods are not created equal. Now we are testing whether this subph
ylum, or any subphylum so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are me
t here on a great battlefield of the struggle. We have come to dedicate a portio
n of it as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that this s
ubphylum might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger sense we can not dedicate—we can not
conescrate—we can not hallow this mud. The brave trilobites, living and dead, wh
o struggled here have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract
. The world will little note, nor long remember, what we say here, but it can ne
ver forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated
here to the unfinished work that they who fought here have thus far so nobly adv
anced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining befo
re us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for
which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve th
at these dead shall not have died in vain; that this subphylum, under water, sha
ll dominate the oceans; and that those species with compound eyes, with three lo
bes, and with numerous delicate legs shall not perish from this Earth (for at le
ast another 250 million years).
57
LAND EXPLORATION
In Which
Animals First Venture Onto Land
___________________________
COVER SHEET FOR PROPOSAL TO
THE TETRAPOD SCIENCE FOUNDATION
PROGRAM ANNOUNCEMENT/SOLICITATION NO.
FOR TSF USE ONLY
TSF PROPOSAL NUMBER
FOR CONSIDERATION BY TSF UNIT(S):
DATE RECEIVED
COPIES
DIVISION ASSIGNED
FUND CODE
FILE LOCATION
TITLE OF PROPOSED PROJECT: Colonization of Land (COL)
PRINCIPAL INVESTIGATOR: Acanthostega gunnari
PROPOSED DURATION: 35 million years
CHECK BOXES IF THIS PROPOSAL INCLUDES ANY OF THE ITEMS
LISTED BELOW:
□ BEGINNING INVESTIGATOR DISCLOSURE OF LOBBYING ACTIVITIES □
□ ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY PROPRIETARY OR PRIVILEGED INFORMATION □
■ VERTEBRATE ANIMALS LARGE GRANT FOR EXPLORATORY RESEARCH ■
ABSTRACT:
Over 25% of the surface of the planet is
covered by land, an untapped resource that
58
has been used very little to date due to the
lack of adaptations to a non-water environment. In research funded by previous T
SF
grants we developed improved lungs and began
to replace fins with feet. The improved lungs
extract oxygen from air in addition to the
oxygen we obtain from the water with gills,
and have since been used extensively in
shallow stagnant ponds and bays where the
oxygen content in the water is too low for
gills to function properly. The feet have
been very useful in traversing the bottom of
swampy regions on the edges of continents.
Such locomotion does not alert prey to our
presence the way that swimming does, and has
therefore dramatically increased our ability
to obtain food. In the present proposal we
are requesting funds to support the development of stronger limb bones and more
flexible joints so that we will be able to begin the
colonization of land (COL).
Successful COL requires that we deal with new
physical problems. For example, because air
is much less dense than water, on land the
downward gravitational force will not be
balanced by an upward buoyancy force. We will
therefore need compact and muscular bodies to
overcome the force of gravity.
For complete COL we will also need to be able
to reproduce out of the water. This will
require eggs that will hold water while being
59
permeable to the oxygen that is so important
to developing embryos. Although this problem
is difficult, it is not intractable, and it
will be the subject of a future TSF grant
proposal if the current proposal is funded
and successful.
Signatures
____________________________
Acanthostega gunnari, P.I.
____________________________
Ichthyostega, Co-I
____________________________
Metaxygnathus, Dean
By signing and submitting this proposal, the applicant is certifying that the st
atements herein (excluding scientific hypotheses and scientific opinions) are tr
ue and complete, and is hereby providing certifications regarding debt status, d
ebarment and suspension, and lobbying activities, as set forth in the TSF Grant
Proposal Guide. 60
COMET COLLISION
In Which
a Comet Hits the Earth
___________________________
Once upon a time, on a warm June day about 65 million
years ago, while Shelley Shrew was sleeping under a big green leaf on an island
near the Yucatan peninsula in what is now Mexico, a comet hit her on the head, k
illing her instantly. The comet-or maybe it was an asteroid-was 10 miles across
and hit Shelley with a velocity of about 50,000 miles per hour, creating a crate
r 100
miles wide and releasing an amount of energy equivalent to 100
million megatons of TNT, which is 1000 times more powerful than all the currentl
y existing nuclear weapons combined.
The impact produced at least six tsunamis, some of which
were more than 300 feet high, a magnitude 12 earthquake, a deluge of sulfuric ac
id rain, an enormous amount of carbon dioxide
released into the atmosphere that increased the average global temperature by 20
degrees Fahrenheit for a million years, a global firestorm that incinerated abo
ut 25 percent of the living biomass, and a huge cloud of dust that blocked the l
ight from the Sun for months and contributed to the extinction of nearly every l
and
animal whose adult form weighed more than about 50 pounds,
including the dinosaurs.
All in all, it was a bad day for Shelley and not a particularly good day for the
Earth, either.
61
DINOSAUR EXTINCTION
In Which
the Dinosaurs Die
___________________________
I ve lost you, you ve lost me,
We re as dead as dead can be
Cause a 10-mile comet
smashed into the Earth,
There won t be more dino births.
I ve lost you, you ve lost me,
We re now part of history.
But descendants of shrews
will worship you and me,
We ll be stars of kids TV.
62
MAMMAL EXPANSION
In Which
Many Species of Mammals Develop
___________________________
MAMMALIA CLASS PROSPECTUS
A Balanced Class of Vertebrates
TAM-CO, Tertiary Animal Management Company
(formerly Cretaceous Animal Management, Inc.)
Pangea, Earth
The Mammalia Class (the “Class”) is a diversified open-ended
class of vertebrates that seeks to provide long-term growth. The Class invests a
bout 65% of its species in placental mammals, about 32% of its species in marsup
ial mammals, about 3% in
multituberculates, and less than 0.1% in monotremes.*
CLASS INCEPTION DATE: 225 million years B.C.
*The Class’s species are NOT guaranteed or insured by any government agency. As
with any investment that is subject to wide fluctuations in environmental condit
ions, you could lose resources by investing in the Class. These species have not
been approved or disapproved by the Species and Environmental Commission, nor h
as the Species and Environmental Commission passed upon the accuracy or adequacy
of this prospectus. Any representation to the contrary is a criminal offense. R
emember that past performance is not necessarily indicative of future returns.
63
SUBCLASSES (4):
1. Monotremes: The original mammals that evolved from reptiles about 225 million
years B.C., monotremes have become much less common with time. Examples include
the spiny anteater and the
platypus.
2. Multituberculates: These mammals have many cusps on their teeth. Although the
y have been fairly successful in the past, there are signs that they may become
extinct by about 20 million years B.C. Examples include the prairie-dog-like Lam
bdopsalis and the squirrel-like Ptilodus.
3. Marsupials: A highly successful subclass, especially in some parts of the wor
ld, marsupials have short gestational periods. The offspring complete their deve
lopment in the mother s pouch.
Examples include the possum and kangaroo.
4. Eutheria: The Eutheria are placental mammals and are the most successful mamm
al subclass, with indications that they will
become even more successful over time. Placental mammals bear
live young that are nourished before birth by a placenta. Examples include the t
apir and the shrew.
INVESTMENT STRATEGY: The Class invests in species that show
great promise for future returns. As a result of the failure of the Dinosauria s
ubclass in 65 million years B.C., the Mammalia Class has shown a great deal of r
ecent diversification, especially among the carnivorous mammals.**
**The current strategy of heavy investment in carnivorous mammals is not fundame
ntal and can therefore be changed without shareholder approval provided 3 millio
n years notice is given. 64
200,000 years B.C. The Earth
HOMO SAPIENS MANIFESTATION
In Which
Modern Human Beings Appear
___________________________
Welcome to the neighborhood!
Has your species just evolved? If so, we re here to
help. One of our cheerful representatives will be very
glad to bring you a basket full of useful information
and free gifts. We ll also be happy to answer any
questions and provide you with any information you
may require to address your changing needs.
Feeling out of place?
Are you used to an arboreal way of life? Those
flexible digits and forward-facing eyes can also be
very useful on the savannah. Let us show you how in
a warm, friendly, and professional way.
65
Disconnected?
You diverged from monkeys about twenty million
years ago and from chimps about five million years
ago, so you re probably feeling a bit disconnected
from your roots. We understand what you re going
through, and you can count on us to be there for you.
A little slow on your feet?
Even though you ve been bipedal for three million
years, it still takes some getting use to, doesn t it? Just
remember, walking has freed your hands for carrying,
tool use, and accepting our free gifts.
Don’t worry–you have what it takes!
Your brain has been getting bigger for the past two
million years, so you re now smart enough to realize
what a great deal this service is and to understand the
advertisements that we ll include in your basket for
free.
EDS: A name you can trust.
We ve been bringing together different species in a
spirit of cooperation for millions of years. With our
service, everyone is a winner!
66
150,000 years B.C. The Earth
LANGUAGE ACQUISITION
In Which
Human Beings Develop Spoken Language
___________________________
OG: “Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt, Thagg.”
THAGG: “Og, Grunt grunt grunt grunt?”
OG: “Grunt Thagg grunt Og grunt!”
THAGG: “Grunt.”
What are Thagg and Og doing? They are TALKING, and
you too can exchange information orally after you take this
simple course in spoken language.
1. Let s take a look at the sounds of spoken language:
Consonants
Vowels
g as in grunt.
u as in grunt.
r as in grunt.
n as in grunt.
t as in grunt.
67
Note that the syllable can be stressed or unstressed,
depending on whether the speaker wishes to emphasize what
he or she is saying.
2. Below are the parts of speech used in spoken
language:
Simple nouns
Compound nouns
grunt, water
grunt grunt, water buffalo
grunt, buffalo
grunt grunt, buffalo water
Verbs
Pronouns
grunt, do
grunt, I
grunt, eat
grunt, you
Adverbs
Conjunctions
grunt, quickly
grunt, and
grunt, slowly
grunt, but
Adjectives
Articles
grunt, yellow
grunt, the
grunt, brown
grunt, a
68
3. Syntax in spoken language is relatively
straightforward. The basic sentence structure is Subject-VerbObject:
Basic sentences
Grunt grunt grunt.
I eat buffalo.
Grunt grunt grunt.
You drink water.
Compound sentence
Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt.
You drink water and I eat buffalo.
Complex sentence
Grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt, Thagg.
Eat the brown water buffalo but do not
drink the yellow buffalo water, Thagg.
69
4. Once you ve mastered simple spoken language,
you ll be able to learn advanced spoken language and express
complicated ideas such as the following:
Thagg, grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt, grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt, grunt
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt,
grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt.
Thagg, it occurs to me that if you hold the stone you
wish to flake in one hand, and the stone with which
you intend to strike it in the other, after which you
strike the one with the other, then you may obtain
much more efficacious tools than if you continue
using your current method of throwing the second
stone at the first while it is laying on the ground.
70
69,000 B.C. The Earth
GLACIATION
In Which
a Thousand-Year Ice Age Begins
___________________________
“And in other news, Mount Toba on the
island of Sumatra erupted today. It put
200 cubic miles of ash into the
atmosphere and was the largest volcanic
eruption in over 400 million years.
Wow. Now it s time for the weather
with our humorous weather person, Dr.
Dan.”
“Thanks, Lisa! The forecast for tonight
is dark. Ha-Ha! Darkness will continue
for the next several weeks as ash from
71
the volcano covers about 20 percent of
the planet, and temperatures will begin
to drop. The temperature will be about
20 degrees lower than average for the
next six years, and I m forecasting that
approximately three-quarters of all
plants in the Northern Hemisphere
won t survive. In addition, global snow
cover will reflect much of the Sun s
light, causing a world-wide ice age that
will last a thousand years and kill off all
but a few thousand people. Back to you,
Lisa.”
“Thanks, Dr. Dan! Now let s see how
this global catastrophe is likely to affect
our local sports teams ...”
72
INNOVATION
In Which
Advanced Tools Are Widely Used
___________________________
ARE YOU STILL USING STONE TOOLS?
Of Course You Are. Who Isn t? After All, Stone Tools Are
Reliable. You Can Trust Them. They ve Been Around for
Hundreds of Thousands of Years. BUT...
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT
BONE TOOLS
COULD DO FOR YOU?
That s Right, BONE TOOLS. Bone Is Durable, but Much
Easier to Work with Than Stone. Your Parents Mostly
Scavenged, but If You Want to Hunt, Then Bone Tools Are
Right for You! Use Bone to Make DEADLY Spear Heads
and Harpoon Tips.
SPEARS WITH STONE ARE OK, BUT
SPEARS WITH BONE
GO ALL THE WAY!
73
But Don t Throw Those Stone Tools Away: Use Them to
Make Bone Tools! Flint Chisels Can Be Used to Make Great
Spear Heads Out of Antlers. Flint Scrapers Are Very Helpful
in Shaping Bone and in Processing Hides. And Think About
All the Things that Can Be Done With Flint Blades.
BONE TOOLS AND FLINT BLADES
HAVE PROVEN RELIABILITY!
Some Folks Have Been Using Flint Blades On and Off for
More than Two Hundred Thousand Years, and Bone Tools
Go Back Almost that Far. But Now s the Time to Switch,
Because Bone Tools and Flint Blades Will Satisfy the
Demands of Your New Lifestyle! Don t Just Use the Same
Old Stone Tools Your Parents Used.
THINK NEW
THINK BOLD
THINK BONE
Paid for by the Aurignacian Bone Tool Advisory Council.
74
RELIGION
In Which
a Diversity of Beliefs Arise
___________________________
Ceremonialism. Shamanism. Paganism. Occultism. Mysticism.
Pantheism. Polytheism. Hinduism. Judaism. Mithraism. Druidism. Zoroastrianism. B
uddhism. Confucianism. Taoism. Atheism. Jainism. Skepticism. Shinto. Transcenden
talism. Stoicism. Catholicism.
Manichaeism. Agnosticism. Neoplatonism. Islam. Sufism.
Scholasticism. Sikhism. Lutheranism. Anabaptists. Mennonites.
Anglicans. Calvinism. Macumba. Humanism. Deism. Presbyterianism. Baptists. Quake
rs. Amish. Freemasonry. Hasidism. Methodism.
Spiritualism. Martinism. Shakers. Santiera. Episcopalians.
Mormonism. Tenrikyo. Babism. Christadelphianism. Oneida.
Spiritism. Baha i. Seventh-Day Adventists. Jehovah s Witnesses. Theosophy. Chris
tian Science. Pentecostalism. Integral Yoga. Serpent Handlers. Gurdjieff. Assemb
lies of God. Rosicrucian Order. Bruderhof. Fundamentalism. Branch Davidians. Sei
cho-No-Ie. Rastafarianism. Shirdi Sai Baba. Branhamism. Urantia. Neo-Paganism. S
cientology. Unification Church. Ananda Marga Yoga. Transcendental Meditation. Di
scordianism. Synanon Church. Unitarian Universalism. NeoPentecostalism. Sri Chin
moy. Eckankar. Satanism. Christian Reconstructionism. Suma Ching Hai. Aum Shinri
kyo. Chen Tao.
Kibology. Scientific Pantheism...
75
ANIMAL DOMESTICATION
In Which
Humans Domesticate Animals
___________________________
“Hi, Rex. Long time no see.”
“Mornin , Spot. You look well rested. What s new with you?”
“Me and my pack bought a tribe of humans from Rover last month. Best hundred bon
es we ever spent! They do most of the work taking down the prey and I get as muc
h as I can eat. Plus this fire stuff they have keeps me nice and warm at night.
And they keep the big predators away. It s a sweet setup.”
“How did Rover manage to domesticate them?”
“Didn t you know? His pack has been raising humans for years and years now. Ever
y generation the humans get better and better trained. One of these days we won
t have to do any hunting at all! We ll snooze in the sun all day and they ll bri
ng food to us whenever we want. You should get yourself a tribe.”
“I don t know, it sounds pretty boring to me.
“Suit yourself. I, for one, don t mind not working. Say hi to your pack for me,
Rex.”
“OK. Take care, Spot.”
76
FOOD SURPLUS PRODUCTION
In Which
Humans Develop Agriculture
___________________________
“I m hungry. I haven t been able to find any roots or
berries today and the guys are out chasing cheetahs or
something.”
“They never learn, do they? How many times do I have
to tell them not to go after fast food. They’ll never–hey,
are you all right?”
“Oooh, my head. The moment you said ‘fast food’ I felt
like I was someone else, far in the distant future, two
hundred thousand moons from now, in a place called
Pittsburgh, and that I had just invented a new kind of
food.”
“A new kind of food? Do you think we could we find
some around here?”
77
“I m not even sure I understand what kind of food it was.
Apparently, it was composed of two patties of beef, a
special kind of sauce, and lettuce, cheese, pickles, and
onions, all of which were on a bun that had sesame seeds
on it, whatever that all means.”
“The thing I understood was ‘seed.’ Hey, I wonder
whether we could eat the seeds of any of the grasses that
grow around here.”
“What–you mean all this wheat, barley, oats, and millet?
The thought had never occurred to me, but it s worth a
try! We could boil them, beat them, mix them with water,
shape them into loaves, bake them, and serve them with
some of that gooey goat milk that we left out in the sun
too long.”
“Hmm... I don t think that s exactly what you meant by all
those strange words, but it s a start. Have you thought
about what to name your new food?”

“Yes, I m going to call it bread and cheese. If we like it
then maybe we can figure out some way of growing more
grain so that there will always be plenty to go around!”
78
4000 B.C. The Earth
INSCRIPTION
In Which
Writing Is Invented
___________________________
The Sumerian History of the Universe in 30 Words or Less:
LAKHMU AND LAKHAMU
INCARNATION. ANSHAR AND KISHAR
CREATION. ENKI AND NINKI
ASSIGNATION. MARDUK
MATURATION. TIAMAT
CONFRONTATION. HEAVEN AND
EARTH PRODUCTION. PEOPLE
CONSTRUCTION. ANIMAL
DOMESTICATION. FOOD SURPLUS
PRODUCTION. INSCRIPTION.
COMPOSITION. EXTRAPOLATION?
79
3000 B.C. The Earth
WARRING NATIONS
In Which
Nation Battles Nation for Resources
___________________________
50 WAYS TO LOOT YOUR NEIGHBOR
The problem is too much discontent, she said to me.
The answer is easy if you take it logically.
I d like to help you do your duty as marquis,
There must be fifty ways to loot your neighbor.
She said, It s really not my habit to intrude,
Furthermore I hope my meaning won t be lost or
misconstrued,
So I repeat myself, at the risk of being crude,
There must be fifty ways to loot your neighbor,
Fifty ways to loot your neighbor.
Just put on your belt, Celt; make off with the loot, Jute;
Set fire to the cot, Scot, then bring back the gold.
Go kill and maim, Dane, stop being humane,
Hurt, wound, and stun, Hun, take all you can hold.
80
She said, It grieves me that you will not expand,
And I wish you’d reconsider following my plan.
I said, I appreciate that, but I ll have no more talk
about the fifty ways.
She said, If that s your final word, I ll acquiesce,
Furthermore there is a plan that I like better, I confess.
And then she killed me, took my land, and became
marquise.
There must be fifty ways to loot your neighbor,
Fifty ways to loot your neighbor.
Just put on your belt, Celt; make off with the loot, Jute;
Set fire to the cot, Scot, then bring back the gold.
Go kill and maim, Dane, stop being humane,
Hurt, wound, and stun, Hun, take all you can hold.
81
2200 B.C. The Earth
EMPIRE CREATION AND DESTRUCTION
In Which
the First Empire in Human History Comes and Goes
___________________________
DUMMM-DA-DUM-DUM.
DUMMM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMM!
THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS TRUE. ONLY THE
UNIVERSITY HAS BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT OUR FUNDING.
JOE [voice-over]: This is the desert. Also called the
Fertile Crescent. Now there s nothing but sand as far as
the eye can see. But underneath the sand lies evidence of
ancient civilizations. That s where I come in. I m an
archaeologist. I carry a shovel.
DUM-DA-DUMM. DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMM.
82
JOE (voice-over): It was Monday, March 13th, 9:05 a.m.
I was working off a National Science Foundation grant
through the University of Michigan. The chair of the
department is Professor Kelly. My partner is Dr. Frank
Gannon. My name s Friday.
JOE: How was your weekend, Frank?
FRANK: Pretty good, Joe. I spent most of it watching
basketball.
[The phone rings.]
JOE [answering]: Archaeology, Friday. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Um-hum. Hm... Is that right? Yeah. Um-hum. Uh-huh.
OK. We ll get right on it.
FRANK: What s the matter, Joe?
JOE: We ve got a 203 on our hands, Frank.
FRANK: You mean an unexplained disappearance of the
Akkadian Empire, formed by Sargon in 2370 B.C., which
at its peak stretched 800 miles from the Persian Gulf to
the headwaters of the Euphrates River in present-day
Turkey?
83
JOE: Yeah. That s the one.
FRANK: Hard to believe. It was the world s first empire
and it ended for no apparent reason.
JOE: Let s go check it out.
JOE [voice-over]: 7:17 a.m. After flying to the Habur
Plains in Syria, we spoke to a Dr. Glassner.
GLASSNER: Ah yes, the Akkadian Empire. For 100
years between 2300 B.C. and 2200 B.C., Akkadian
governors ruled cities all over the Fertile Crescent.
Caravans of hundreds of donkeys traveled twelve hours a
day or more to and from Armenia, and ships full of
timber sailed to Egypt and returned with fish, flax,
papyrus, alabaster, lentils, and gold.
JOE: And then what happened?
GLASSNER: No one knows, Dr. Friday.
FRANK: Surely there are theories.
84
GLASSNER: Oh, the usual. Overreaching leaders,
faltering armies, overuse of farmland, but none of them
really fit.
JOE: Mind if we look around?
GLASSNER: Not at all, be my guest.
JOE [voice-over]: 4:21 p.m. After spending 12 years in
field research, Frank and I get together to compare notes.
JOE: What have you found?
FRANK: It looks like the population in the north
abandoned their homes and moved south into the cities,
overtaxing water and food supplies and leading to urban
chaos. But I still don t understand why.
JOE: Take a look at these northern soil samples for the
period between 2300 and 2200 B.C.
FRANK: Everything looks fine.
85
JOE: Now take a look at these soil samples from the
following 300 years.
FRANK: Hmm... this soil has very few earthworm holes
but lots of wind-blown fine dust. It must have had almost
no water in it. If the north dried out, then the wheat,
barley, and sheep that provided the empire with wealth
would have disappeared. Of course! Climate change
destroyed the Akkadian Empire. Should ve been obvious
from the start.
The story you have just read is true. Only the university
has been changed to protect our funding.
Upon arrival back in Ann Arbor, Friday and Jones wrote
up their results and submitted a series of papers to the
American Journal of Archaeology.
Explaining the disappearance of the Akkadian Empire is
rewardable by not less than tenure and not more than
promotion to full professor.
DUM-DA-DUMM. DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMM…
86
1700 B.C. The Earth
CIVILIZATION
In Which
Many and Sundry Events Occur
___________________________
“Good morning class, and welcome back to World History. I
hope that you studied your textbook well over break because
we re having an oral pop quiz today on, let s see, how about
years ending in 17 since 1700 B.C.? OK, David, what
happened in 917 B.C.?”
“Um... King Rehoboam I of Judah died? He was the son of
King Solomon and because of his misrule the northern tribes
broke away from Jerusalem and established the kingdom of
Israel. For some reason the northern tribes didn t particularly want to be ‘scou
rged with scorpions’ by Rehoboam (1 Kings
12:14).”
“Indeed. Melissa, what happened in 217 B.C.?”
“Let s see, that was during the Second Punic War. Wasn t that
the year that Hannibal defeated the main Roman army at Lake
Trasimeno? By this time all his elephants had perished, and
despite his military victories, his home of Carthage failed to 87
give him sufficient support. In the end, he could never muster enough strength t
o assault Rome itself in the fifteen years that his army ravaged Italy. He might
have done better had he
brought extra warm-weather gear for the elephants.”
“Yes, they do get cold in the snow, don t they? Elizabeth,
what happened in 517 A.D.?”
“517. Yes, that was when Emperor Wu-Ti became a Buddhist
and introduced Buddhism to central China. Shortly thereafter
he met the first Patriarch of Zen Buddhism. When asked by
the emperor, What is the essence of Buddhism? , the Zen
Master replied, ‘No essence whatsoever.’”
“That pretty much says it all. Andrew, what happened in 1417
A.D.?”
“That was when the Council of Constance elected Pope
Martin V, ending the Great Schism. In 1378 the cardinals had
elected Urban VI as pope, but within four months they had
declared that election null and void and elected Clement VII
instead, creating two lines of popes. By 1409, after three new popes in one line
and one new pope in the other, the popes
were Gregory XII and Benedict XIII. The Council of Pisa
then met and declared Alexander V to be pope. He soon died
and was replaced by John XXIII, but Gregory XII and
Benedict XIII refused to step down, so now there were three
88
popes. It wasn t until the Council of Constance that Gregory
XII resigned and the other two popes were deposed.”
“Forty years is certainly a long time to have a plethora of
popes. Shelley, can you tell me what happened in 1517 A.D.?”
“Of course. That was the year Martin Luther felt compelled to
protest the Church s granting of indulgences. He nailed his 95
theses to the church door in Wittenberg and started down the
path that would lead to the Protestant Reformation and
eventually to Garrison Keillor.”
“Indeed. Dale, 1717 A.D.?”
“1717? Um... 1717? Oh, yeah, that was the year that
Yoshimune became the eighth shogun of the Tokugawa
Shogunate. Only 33 when he became shogun, he was known
as one of the wisest rulers in the history of Japan. He carried out many reforms
and encouraged the martial arts and
education. Right?”
“I m sorry, Dale. Your facts about Yoshimune are correct, but
he became shogun in 1716, not in 1717. How many times do
I have to tell you to read the text before class? Try to do
better next time. Ah, I see that class is about over for today. Tomorrow we re g
oing to be discussing the preamble to the
Constitution of the United States. Please try to read it tonight. OK, Dale?”
89
1787 A.D. The Earth
CONSTITUTION
In Which
a Constitution Is Written
___________________________
Rrrrrrrriing...
—Thank you for calling Constitution Hut, can you hold
please?...Thanks for waiting. Can I take your order?
—OK, that s one constitution to be delivered to General–sorry, Mr. Washington an
d the Philadelphia convention to revise the Articles of Confederation.
—What would your convention like in the constitution, Mr.
Washington? Bicameral legislature, sure, we can do that.
Direct election of the House of Representatives, OK. Senators
chosen by the state legislatures, mm-hmmm–sure you don t
want direct election of senators? OK, OK, never mind.
—What else? The executive branch will be headed by a
President, whose term will be four years. President and vicepresident to be elec
ted by electors from each state, chosen in 90
a fashion approved by the state legislature. You re sure about that electors ide
a?
—Fine. OK, the president will be the person who receives the
most electoral votes, and the vice-president will be the person who receives the
second largest number of electoral votes.
Now this really seems like a bad idea to me. What if they
have completely opposing views on important issues? What
if...
—Okay, Okay, I know you could ve chosen to call
Constitution King. Yes, I know that their advertising says that special orders d
on t upset them. Oh, very well, what else?
Judicial power to the Supreme Court, OK. New states
admitted to the union by Congress, right. Constitution can be
amended by Congress and the states. Good idea, that.
—What else? No religious test shall ever be required as a
qualification to any office or public trust, OK. Nine states
required to ratify. Will that be all? Sure you don t want any
extra rights in there? Well, give us a call if you change your mind.
—OK, we ll fill in the details and get this to you by
September 17. Thank you for choosing Constitution Hut.
91
1800 A.D. The Earth
INDUSTRIALIZATION
In Which
Automated Manufacturing and Agriculture
Revolutionize the World
___________________________
IN-DUS-TRY
When you found yourself with too few farm
hands,
Cy McCormick showed you the
Mechanical reaper: in-du-stry.
And when you needed uniforms,
Isaac Singer showed you what to do:
Use a sewing machine: in-du-stry.
Industry, industry,
Industry, industry.
Lots of new inventions: in-du-stry.
After Hargreaves spinning jenny came
And we had the factory,
92
Arkwright knew the answer: In-du-stry.
For though the Luddites break looms there is
Still a chance that they will see
They can all get jobs in industry.
Industry, industry,
Industry, yeah, industry.
When Richard Sears figured out
Conveyor belts for assembly,
One more step down the path: In-du-stry.
Then Henry Ford studied the process,
And he made the model T.
Motorcars for workers: In-du-stry.
Industry, industry,
Industry, industry.
Lots of new inventions: in-du-stry.
Industry, industry,
Industry, yeah, industry.
93
1914 A.D. The Earth
WORLD CONFLAGRATIONS
In Which
Most of the World Is at War
___________________________
“Good evening, and welcome to World at War, the game show that lets you decide t
he fate of the world. Our first contestant is Colonel Dragutin Dimitrijevic from
Serbia. Colonel Dimitrijevic, it s June of 1914 and you want to insure Serbia s
independence from Austria-Hungary. What should you do?”
“Give weapons to Bosnian youths who intend to assassinate AustroHungarian Archdu
ke Ferdinand in Sarajevo?” [buzzer]
“No, I m sorry, that would result in Austria, Germany, and Bulgaria declaring wa
r on Serbia, the defeat of the Serbian army, your execution for treason, and the
incorporation of Serbia into Yugoslavia after World War I.
“Next up we have Count Alfred von Schlieffen of Germany. Count von Schlieffen, w
hat should Germany do when faced with the prospect of war with both Russia and F
rance?”
“Bypass the French armies by attacking through neutral Belgium, crush the enemy
s flanks, and complete the destruction by attack from the rear. France will be d
efeated in 39 days, before Russia has a chance to mobilize!” [buzzer]
94
“A good try, but French and British armies would be able to retreat in good orde
r, to counterattack near the Marne River, and to establish a firm defense. In ad
dition, this plan would require Germany to attack France as soon as Russia mobil
ized, regardless of whether it was a strategically good time to do so.
“Now we have Premier Antonio Salandra of Italy. Premier Salandra, the Great War
has started and Italy has declared itself neutral. What should Italy do next?”
“Talk with both sides to get the best deal, then attack for territorial gain!”
[buzzer]
“No, Premier, that s quite a poor idea. Italy would be unable to win any decisiv
e battles, would suffer heavy casualties, and would gain little or no territory.
“Let s see if Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany can do better. It s 1917, and the War
hasn t been going well, in part due to American supplies being shipped to the A
llies. What should you do?”
“Authorize unrestricted submarine warfare against American ships and hope that t
he war can be won before the United States can mobilize?”
[buzzer]
“Sorry, Kaiser, but you built too many battleships when you should have been bui
lding submarines. Your submarine warfare would not cripple the Allied cause, but
it would draw America into the War and lead to a German defeat.
“Next we have a team of contestants, President Wilson of the United States, Prim
e Minister Lloyd George of Britain, and Premier Georges 95
Clemenceau of France. Gentlemen, Germany has been defeated and a treaty to end t
he war must be drafted. What should the treaty require?”
“It should let Germany have most of its territory, restrict it to having a small
army and navy and no air force, and force it to pay reparations to the Allied c
ountries.” [buzzer]
“I m afraid not. That would worsen the economic situation in Germany and increas
e nationalist feelings in the country while leaving it with an enormous potentia
l for military buildup, which could lead directly to future German aggression.
“Our contestants don t seem to be having much luck today, let s see if British M
ember of Parliament Winston Churchill can do any better. Mr. Churchill, it is th
e early 1930s and nationalism is on the rise in India. The Labour government wis
hes to make concessions, as do many in your own Conservative party. What should
you do?”
“Speak out strongly against Indian nationalism and resign from the Conservative
shadow Cabinet if my demands aren t met!” [buzzer]
“Very poor choice, Mr. Churchill. Not only is an independent India destined to h
appen, but such an action on your part would politically isolate you at a time w
hen England might have to remain strong in the face of a dictator in, for exampl
e, Germany.
“Now let s hear from Austrian Chancellor Engelbert Dollfuss. Chancellor Dolfuss,
the year is 1934 and many Austrians would like to see a union of Austria with N
azi Germany. Italian Premier Benito Mussolini says that he would support Austria
n independence only if socialist parties are banned from politics. What should y
ou do?”
“Ban the Communist and Social Democratic parties?” [buzzer]
96
“No, bad move Chancellor. That would destroy the one political force with the po
tential to resist the Nazis. You would probably be murdered by Austrian Nazis, a
nd although Mussolini would protect Austria for a few years, it would inevitably
fall to the Nazis and be absorbed by Germany.
“Next we have the Chief of the French Army General Staff, General Maurice Gameli
n. General Gamelin, it is 1940 and a German attack on France is inevitable. What
are your defense plans?”
“Put most of our forces on the Belgian border, some along the Maginot line, and
very few in the wooded Ardennes region, which is of course impassable to a Germa
n tank offensive. If the Germans break through our lines they will head towards
Paris, and our army will come at them from the rear and catch them in a pincer.”
[buzzer]
“Well, that all sounds good in principle, but if you do that the Germans would a
ttack through the lightly-defended Ardennes and turn towards the sea, cutting of
f your forces and throwing your armies into confusion, leading to a complete Ger
man victory over France within six weeks.
“It s time to hear from Soviet General Secretary Josef Stalin. The year is 1941
and you have been warned that Germany is about to break the 1939
Nazi-Soviet Non-Aggression Pact. What should you do?”
“Denounce the information as an Allied plot and refuse to make military preparat
ions since this might provoke the Germans!” [buzzer]
“I m sorry, but Germany is preparing to attack you with more than two million me
n and your lack of preparation would lead to the German capture of most of Europ
ean Russia as well as millions of Russian troops taken prisoner.
97
“Now we have with us Premier Fumimaro Konoye. Premier Konoye,
your Foreign Minister is urging you to sign a Three-Power Pact with Germany and
Italy. What should you do?”
“Sign the pact, which will convince the United States not to involve itself in A
sia for fear of becoming involved in a World War.” [buzzer]
“No, Premier Konoye, signing the pact would only strengthen American resolve and
lead to increased U.S. aid to China and an inevitable war with Japan when Ameri
ca would rather be dealing with Germany.
“President Franklin Delano Roosevelt from the United States is next. President R
oosevelt, it is November of 1941 and the U.S. Navy has intercepted messages from
Tokyo to the Japanese Embassy in
Washington indicating that if a diplomatic agreement is not reached between the
United States and Japan by November 29, then ‘things are automatically going to
happen.’ Recall that earlier in the year, the U.S. Ambassador to Japan sent a me
ssage to the State Department indicating that ‘the Japanese military forces plan
ned in the event of trouble with the United States to attempt a surprise mass at
tack on Pearl Harbor using all their military facilities.’ What should you do?”
“Continue diplomatic negotiations with the Japanese in an attempt to find a comp
romise acceptable to both sides, and conclude that the probability of a Japanese
surprise attack on Pearl Harbor is very small.” [buzzer]
“I m sorry, President Roosevelt, but if you follow that course of action then on
November 25 a Japanese task force would set sail for Hawaii and in the early mo
rning of December 7, the Japanese would send 360
carrier-based planes to destroy two battleships, heavily damage three more, infl
ict some damage on 16 other ships, damage or destroy 200
planes, and kill more than 2000 soldiers and sailors at Pearl Harbor. 98
“Our last contestant is Reich Chancellor Adolf Hitler of Germany. The Japanese h
ave just attacked Pearl Harbor. What should you do?”
“Declare war on America and order a full-scale U-boat attack on American vessels
supplying Britain!” [buzzer]
“No, Chancellor, that s not a good idea. Your submarine forces would not be up t
o the task. Had the resources you put into battleships gone into submarines inst
ead, this might have worked, but as it is Britain would be able to survive and t
he economic and military might of the United States would be brought to bear aga
inst you, leading to your defeat.
“I m afraid that none of our contestants have correctly answered any questions,
so the grand prize of World Domination will not be awarded this time around. Tun
e in next time to World at War to see if one of our new contestants can win the
grand prize!”
99
UNCLASSIFIED
1945 A.D. The Earth
FISSION EXPLOSIONS
In Which
Humans Develop Nuclear Weapons
___________________________
THIS DOCUMENT CONTAINS 4 PAGE(S).
THIS IS COPY 2998 OF 4803.
What to do if you want a fission
explosion:
1) Get someone to set off an atomic
bomb. Convince one or more of the
countries that have atomic weapons to
detonate one where and when you like.
This would probably be difficult to
do, unless you happen to want a
fission explosion on a small island in
the Pacific, in a desert, or near a
border between two countries who have
recently announced that they have
nuclear weapons.
100
UNCLASSIFIED
UNCLASSIFIED
2) Buy an atomic bomb. One or more of
the countries that have atomic weapons
may be willing to part with a few for
the right price.
3) Build an atomic bomb. You could use
uranium (in particular, U-235), but
this is difficult to obtain since more
than 99 percent of uranium is U-238,
which isn t suitable for use as an
active material in bombs. Try using
plutonium instead. You will need 25
pounds of either weapons-grade
plutonium (90% Pu-239, 10% Pu-240) or
reactor-grade plutonium (50% Pu-239,
20% Pu-241, 30% Pu-240). Although the
weapons-grade device will reliably
release ** kilotons of energy, the
reactor-grade device will have a less
predictable yield of between * and **
kilotons. Despite this disadvantage,
you will probably have a much easier
time obtaining the reactor-grade
plutonium.
First, assemble a *** cm radius
sphere of beryllium surrounded by a
*** mm thick layer of gold and of
101
UNCLASSIFIED
UNCLASSIFIED
polonium. Construct a spherical shell
around this sphere with ** wedgeshaped grooves on the inside of the shell. The g
rooves should be covered
by a *** mm thick layer of gold and
********* of polonium. Then make **
identical plutonium wedges and assemble them into a soccer ball shape surroundin
g the spherical shell. Put
conventional explosives around the
plutonium shell and a ** cm thick
shell of Uranium-238 around the explosives. Finally, it would be good to have a
lead shell around the whole
thing to cut down on the radiation
coming from the plutonium and uranium
before the bomb is detonated.
To activate the bomb, detonate all the
conventional explosives simultaneously
(within *** millionths of a second).
This can be accomplished by **********
**************************************
**************************************
**************************************
**************************************
**************************************
********. The plutonium wedges will be
102
UNCLASSIFIED
UNCLASSIFIED
forced together into a sphere and the
shock will break the beryllium shell
along the grooves, exposing the
polonium. Polonium is radioactive and
emits helium nuclei. When beryllium
absorbs helium nuclei it emits
neutrons. When a plutonium atom
absorbs a neutron it splits into two
smaller atoms (for example, strontium
and barium), which releases energy and
several more neutrons. These neutrons
each go on to split other plutonium
atoms, which emit more energy and
neutrons. Since Uranium-238 is a very
good reflector of neutrons, any
neutrons that escape from the plutonium sphere will be bounced back by the urani
um shell. The chain reaction
continues until between *% and **% of
the plutonium atoms have been split,
at which point so much energy has been
released that the bomb (and much of
the surrounding countryside) is
vaporized.
4) Just say no. The surgeon general
has determined that fission explosions
may be hazardous to your health.
103
UNCLASSIFIED
1945 A.D. The Earth
COMPUTERIZATION
In Which
Computers Are Developed
___________________________
syslogd 1.3-3: restart.
klogd 1.3-3, log source = /proc/kmsg started. Cannot find map file. Loaded 1 sym
bol from 1 module. Console: 16 point font,400 scans pcibios_init : BIOS32 Servic
e Directory structure at 0x000fd800
Calibrating delay loop.. ok - 39.73 BogoMIPS
VFS: Diskquotas version dquot_5.6.0 initialized
tty00 at 0x03f8 (irq = 4) is a 16550A
PS/2 auxiliary pointing device detected - driver installed.
ide0 at 0x1f0-0x1f7,0x3f6 on irq 14
ide1 at 0x170-0x177,0x376 on irq 15
md driver 0.35 MAX_MD_DEV=4, MAX_REAL=8
scsi : 0 hosts. scsi : detected total.
Partition check: hda: hda1 hda2 hda3 hda4
SB 4.13 detected OK (220)
Installed 0
Press a key to continue...Sorry, wrong key.
System going down IMMEDIATELY.
No more processes in runlevel 0.
System Halted.
104
1957 A.D. The Solar System
SPACE EXPLORATION
In Which
Humans Begin to Explore Outer Space
___________________________
“We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to
the moon in this decade and do the other things,
not because they are easy, but because they are
hard, because that goal will serve to organize and
measure the best of our energies and skills,
because that challenge is one that we are willing to
accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one
which we intend to win.”
—John F. Kennedy,
35th President of the United States
“[It s] time for the human race to enter the Solar
System.”
—J. Danforth Quayle,
44th Vice President of the United States
105
On October 4, 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik I, the first artificial sa
tellite*. The first American satellite–Explorer I–was launched on January 31, 19
58, and the Space Race was on! On April 12, 1961, Yuri Gagarin became the first
human in space, making a one-orbit flight. John Glenn did three orbits on Februa
ry 20, 1962. Hundreds of people and thousands of satellites have followed these
pioneers into Earth orbit. The satellites study the Earth, transmit telephone ca
lls between continents, make observations of the Universe, and allow anyone in t
he world with a satellite dish and a descrambler to watch soap operas and dirty
movies.
Spacecraft have been sent to study the Moon, the Sun, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mar
s, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and comets and asteroids. Probes have lande
d on the Moon, Venus, and Mars, and one has descended into the upper atmosphere
of Jupiter (see the table on the following pages). What will we do next?
Will we complete the space station and start building solar power satellites to
capture energy from sunlight and beam it down to Earth, in order to decrease or
eliminate the need to burn fossil fuels for electricity?
Will we harvest nearby asteroids? An asteroid six miles on a side would satisfy
the current world demand for aluminum, chromium, and gold for twenty to thirty t
housand years. At current prices, the gold alone in one such asteroid would be w
orth about 60 trillion dollars.
Will we invest in a program to detect and divert potentially catastrophic comets
and asteroids so that we can avoid the fate of poor Shelley Shrew? Such impacts
occur on the Earth every 100 million years or so, and they are quite capable of
completely destroying human civilization. It is possible that life on a planet
like the Earth will keep mutating and evolving until it develops a species intel
ligent enough to invest in a program to detect and divert potentially catastroph
ic comets and asteroids. Remember the wise words of a former vice president of t
he United States: “If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.”
*The first artificial object in space may have been launched several months earl
ier by accident, when a steel plate was left covering a 500-foot deep hole durin
g a nuclear test. Data from high-speed cameras suggested that the velocity of th
e plate was more than 40 miles per second right after the nuclear blast. This ve
locity is high enough for the plate–if it survived the passage through the atmos
phere–to have escaped not only from the Earth, but also from the Solar System. 1
06
Space Missions to Other Worlds
Mar 3, 1959 Pioneer 4
Lunar flyby
first lunar flyby
Sep 15, 1959 Luna 2
Lunar hard landing first image of lunar farside
Oct 4, 1959 Luna 3
Lunar flyby
Feb 12, 1961 Venera 1
Venus flyby
first Venus flyby
Jan 26, 1962 Ranger 3
Lunar flyby
Apr 23, 1962 Ranger 4
Lunar hard landing
Oct 18, 1962 Ranger 5
Lunar flyby
Dec 14, 1962 Mariner 2
Venus flyby
Apr 2, 1963 Luna 4
Lunar orbit
Jan 30, 1964 Ranger 6
Lunar hard landing
Apr 2, 1964 Zond 1
Venus flyby
Jun 28, 1964 Ranger 7
Lunar hard landing
Feb 17, 1965 Ranger 8
Lunar hard landing
Mar 21, 1965 Ranger 9
Lunar hard landing
May 9, 1965 Luna 5
Lunar hard landing failed soft landing
Jun 8, 1965 Luna 6
Lunar flyby
failed soft landing
Jul 14, 1965 Mariner 4
Mars flyby
first close-up photos of Mars
Oct 4, 1965 Luna 7
Nov 12, 1965 Venera 2
Venus flyby
communications failure
Nov 16, 1965 Venera 3
Venus hard landing communications failure
Dec 3, 1965 Luna 8
Dec 16, 1965 Pioneer 6
Solar orbit
Feb 3, 1966 Luna 9
Lunar soft landing first soft landing on the Moon
Mar 31, 1966 Luna 10
Lunar orbit
Apr 30, 1966 Surveyor 1
Lunar soft landing
Aug 10, 1966 Lunar Orbiter 1 Lunar orbit
Aug 17, 1966 Pioneer 7
Solar orbit
Aug 24, 1966 Luna 11
Lunar orbit
Sep 20, 1966 Surveyor 2
Oct 22, 1966 Luna 12
Lunar orbit
Nov 6, 1966 Lunar Orbiter 2 Lunar orbit
Dec 21, 1966 Luna 13
Lunar soft landing
Feb 5, 1967 Lunar Orbiter 2 Lunar orbit
Apr 17, 1967 Surveyor 3 Lunar soft landing
May 4, 1967 Lunar Orbiter 4 Lunar orbit
Jul 14, 1967 Surveyor 4 Lunar hard landing
failed soft landing
Jul 19, 1967 Explorer 35 Lunar orbit
Aug 1, 1967 Lunar Orbiter 5 Lunar orbit
Sep 8, 1967 Surveyor 5
Lunar soft landing
107
Oct 18, 1967 Venera 4 Venus atmospheric probe
Oct 19, 1967 Mariner 5
Venus flyby
Nov 7, 1967 Surveyor 6 Lunar soft landing
Dec 13, 1967 Pioneer 8
Solar orbit
Jan 7, 1968 Surveyor 7 Lunar soft landing
Apr 7, 1968 Luna 14
Lunar orbit
Sep 14, 1968 Zond 5
Lunar flyby
Nov 8, 1968 Pioneer 9
Solar orbit
Nov 10, 1968 Zond 6
Lunar flyby
Dec 21, 1968 Apollo 8
Lunar orbit
three crew members in orbiter
May 16, 1969 Venera 5 Venus atmospheric probe
May 17, 1969 Venera 6 Venus atmospheric probe
May 18, 1969 Apollo 10
Lunar orbit
three crew members in orbiter
Jul 13, 1969 Luna 15
Lunar hard landing
failed soft landing
Jul 20, 1969 Apollo 11
Lunar soft landing
first people land on the moon
Jul 31, 1969 Mariner 6
Mars flyby
Nov 19, 1969 Apollo 12
Lunar soft landing two crew members in lander
Apr 11, 1970 Apollo 13
Lunar flyby
failed soft landing
Aug 5, 1969 Mariner 7
Mars flyby
Sep 12, 1970 Luna 16
Lunar soft landing sample return
Nov 10, 1970 Luna 17
Lunar soft landing included automated rover
Dec 15, 1970 Venera 7 Venus soft landing first soft landing on another planet Fe
b 5, 1971 Apollo 14
Lunar soft landing two crew members in lander
Jul 30, 1971 Apollo 15
Lunar soft landing two crew members plus rover in lander Sep 2, 1971 Luna 18
Sep 28, 1971 Luna 19
Lunar orbit
Nov 13, 1971 Mariner 9
Mars orbit
Nov 27, 1971 Mars 2
Mars orbit
Nov 27, 1971 Mars 2
Mars hard landing failed soft landing
Dec 2, 1971 Mars 3
Mars orbit
Dec 2, 1971 Mars 3
Mars soft landing first soft landing on Mars
Feb 14, 1972 Luna 20
Apr 21, 1972 Apollo 16
Lunar soft landing two crew members plus rover in lander Jul 22, 1972 Venera 8 V
enus soft landing
Dec 7, 1972 Apollo 17
Lunar soft landing two crew members plus rover in lander Jan 8, 1973 Luna 21
Lunar soft landing included automated rover
Jun 10, 1973 Explorer 49 Lunar orbit
Dec 1, 1973 Pioneer 10 Jupiter flyby
first flyby of Jupiter
Feb 1, 1974 Mars 4
Mars flyby
failed orbit
Feb 2, 1974 Mars 5
Mars orbit
Feb 5, 1974 Mariner 10 Venus flyby
108
Mar 6, 1974 Mars 7
Mars flyby
failed orbit and soft landing
Mar 12, 1974 Mars 6
Mars orbit
Mar 12, 1974 Mars 6
Mars hard landing failed soft landing
Mar 29, 1974 Mariner 10 Mercury flyby first Mercury flyby May 29, 1974 Luna 22
Lunar orbit
Sep 21, 1974 Mariner 10 Mercury flyby
Oct 28, 1974 Luna 23
Lunar hard landing
Dec 1, 1974 Pioneer 11 Jupiter flyby
Dec 10, 1974 Helios
Solar orbit
Mar 16, 1975 Mariner 10 Mercury flyby
Oct 22, 1975 Venera 9 Venus orbit
Nov 22, 1975 Venera 9 Venus soft landing
Nov 25, 1975 Venera 10 Venus soft landing
Jun 19, 1976 Viking 1
Mars orbit
Jul 20, 1976 Viking 1
Mars soft landing
Jul 24, 1976 Viking 2
Mars orbit
Aug 7, 1976 Viking 2
Mars soft landing
Aug 9, 1976 Luna 24
Aug 12, 1978 ICE
Comet Giacobini-Zinner flyby first comet flyby
Dec 4, 1978 Pioneer 12 Venus orbit
Dec 9, 1978 Pioneer 13 Venus atmospheric probe
Dec 21, 1978 Venera 12 Venus soft landing
Dec 25, 1978 Venera 11 Venus soft landing
Mar 5, 1979 Voyager 1 Jupiter flyby
Jul 9, 1979 Voyager 2 Jupiter flyby
Sep 1, 1979 Pioneer 11 Saturn flyby
first Saturn flyby
Nov 12, 1980 Voyager 1 Saturn flyby
Aug 26, 1981 Voyager 2 Saturn flyby
Mar 1, 1982 Venera 13 Venus soft landing
Mar 5, 1982 Venera 14 Venus soft landing
Jun 11, 1985 Vega 1
Venus flyby
Jun 11, 1985 Vega 1
Venus soft landing
Jun 11, 1985 Vega 1
Venus atmospheric probe
Jun 15, 1985 Vega 2
Venus flyby
Jun 15, 1985 Vega 2
Venus soft landing
Jun 15, 1985 Vega 2
Venus atmospheric probe
Jan 24, 1986 Voyager 2 Uranus flyby first Uranus flyby Mar 1, 1986 Sakigake Come
t Halley flyby
109
Mar 6, 1986 Vega 1
Comet Halley flyby
Mar 8, 1986 Suisei
Comet Halley flyby
Mar 9, 1986 Vega 2
Comet Halley flyby
Mar 13, 1986 Giotto
Comet Halley flyby
Jan 30, 1989 Phobos 2 Mars orbit
Jan 30, 1989 Phobos 2 Phobos flyby failed soft landing on a Martian moon Aug 26,
1989 Voyager 2 Neptune flyby first Neptune flyby Feb 10, 1990 Galileo
Venus flyby
Jan 24, 1990 Muses-A Lunar orbit
Aug 10, 1990 Magellan
Venus orbit
Oct 6, 1990 Ulysses
Solar orbit
Dec 8, 1990 Galileo
Lunar flyby
Oct 29, 1991 Galileo
Gaspra flyby first asteroid flyby
Feb 8, 1992 Ulysses
Jupiter flyby
Jul 10, 1992 Giotto
Comet Grigg-Skjellerup flyby
Dec 8, 1992 Galileo
Lunar flyby
Aug 21, 1993 Mars Observer Mars flyby
failed Mars orbit
Oct 28, 1993 Galileo
Ida flyby
asteroid flyby
Feb 19, 1994 Clementine Lunar orbit
Dec 2, 1995 SOHO Solar orbit
Dec 7, 1995 Galileo
Jupiter orbit
first Jupiter orbit
Dec 7, 1995 Galileo
Jupiter atmospheric probe
Jun 27, 1997 NEAR
Mathilde flyby asteroid flyby
Jul 4, 1997 Mars Pathfinder Mars soft landing included automated rover Sep 11, 1
997 Mars Global Surveyor Mars orbit
Jan 11, 1998 Lunar Prospector Lunar orbit
Jul 29, 1999
Deep Space 1 Braille flyby
asteroid flyby
Sep 23, 1999 Mars Climate Orbiter Mars atmospheric entry failed orbit Dec 3, 199
9
Mars Polar Lander Mars hard landing
failed soft landing
Oct 24, 2001 2001 Mars Odyssey Mars orbit
Dec 14, 2003 Nozomi
Mars flyby
failed orbit
Dec 25, 2003 Mars Express Orbiter Mars orbit
Dec 25, 2003 Beagle 2
Mars hard landing
failed soft landing
Jan 2, 2004
Stardust
Comet P/Wild 2
first comet sample return attempt
Jan 4, 2004
Spirit
Mars rover
Jan 25, 2004 Opportunity
Mars rover
110
1960 A.D. The Earth
POPULATION EXPLOSION
In Which
the Human Population of the Earth
Increases at a Very Rapid Pace
___________________________
6.5
6
5.5
5
4.5
4
3.5
3
2.5
2
Billions of People on Earth 1.5
1
0.5
0
0
500
1000
1500
2000
Year (A.D.)
111
Historical Global Population Data
Date Population
Date
Population
(B.C.) 10000
4,000,000
1750
810,000,000
4000
7,000,000
1800
900,000,000
2000
27,000,000
1850 1,200,000,000
500
100,000,000
1900 1,600,000,000
(A.D.) 1
170,000,000
1930 2,070,000,000
500
190,000,000
1950 2,555,000,000
600
200,000,000
1955 2,780,000,000
700
210,000,000
1960 3,040,000,000
800
220,000,000
1965 3,346,000,000
900
240,000,000
1970 3,708,000,000
1000
265,000,000
1975 4,087,000,000
1100
320,000,000
1980 4,454,000,000
1200
360,000,000
1985 4,850,000,000
1300
360,000,000
1990 5,276,000,000
1400
374,000,000
1995 5,686,000,000
1500
425,000,000
1998 5,924,000,000
1600
545,000,000
2001 6,154,000,000
1700
610,000,000
2004 6,376,000,000
112
1962 A.D. The Earth
SUPERPOWER CONFRONTATION
In Which
Two Powerful Nations Risk it All
___________________________
“There are, at the present time, two great nations in the world which seem to te
nd towards the same end, although
they started from different points: I allude to the Russians and the Americans..
. All other nations seem to have nearly reached their natural limits, and only t
o be charged with
the maintenance of their power; but these are still in the act of growth; all ot
hers are stopped, or continue to
advance with extreme difficulty; these are proceeding with ease and with celerit
y along a path to which the human eye can assign no term... Their starting point
is different, and their courses are not the same; yet each of them seems to
be marked out by the will of Heaven to sway the destinies
of half the globe.” —Alexis de Tocqueville, 1835
“Are you glad to be going off-shift, Commander Procnab?”
“Yes, sub-lieutenant Ratserc, I am, although I m not sure that our replacements
will be as kind to the Earthlings as we have been. Have you finished the report
on Soviet potential nuclear weapons mishaps?”
113
“Yes, sir. Would you like me to review it with you?”
“No, I ll read it later. But I would like a summary of some of the potential Ame
rican mishaps, in particular, the events related to the Cuban Missile Crisis.”
“As you know, that leaves out a lot since the current Earth year is 2004 and we
have been on station since 1949, but that crisis is certainly the most extensive
that has occurred during our watch. On October 15, 1962, photos of Cuba taken f
rom an American U-2
spy plane revealed nuclear-capable Soviet missiles that would have been able to
reach much of the United States. Many of President Kennedy s closest advisors su
pported an immediate invasion, not knowing that the Soviet field commanders in C
uba had 98 tactical nuclear weapons that could very well have been used against
an American invasion force. On October 22, President Kennedy
increased military alert to DEFCON 3.”
“That involved moving nuclear-equipped interceptors from their home bases to air
fields around the country, did it not?”
“Exactly, and because some of these dispersed airfields lacked the proper person
nel and equipment, a number of jets had all the safety devices removed from thei
r nuclear weapons. The individual pilots had the ability, though not the authori
ty, to fire their nuclear-tipped missiles. On the evening of October 22, the Pre
sident addressed the people of the United States, announcing to the world the
presence of Soviet missile bases in Cuba and demanding that they be removed. On
October 24, Soviet ships on their way to Cuba
were stopped by U.S. Naval vessels. DEFCON 2 was announced,
which is higher than any other state of readiness that America s nuclear forces
have reached before or since.”
114
“I seem to recall that at the time, the first Minuteman ICBMs had only recently
been delivered to their base in Montana.”
“Yes, Sir. They had been delivered in September, and on October 24 the missile o
fficers began frantically working to get the missiles online as soon as possible
. Because of this rush, a number of safety features had to be bypassed, with the
result that individual missile officers had the capability, though again not th
e authority, to launch the missiles under their command.”
“What was the next significant event?”
“Early in the morning on October 25, a U.S. Air Force sentry at a base near Dulu
th, Minnesota spotted an intruder climbing the
fence. He shot at the intruder and sounded the sabotage alarm, which alerted air
fields all over the area to watch for possible saboteurs. At Volk Field in Wisco
nsin, however, the klaxon
signaling a nuclear war went off by mistake. The pilots
immediately started their nuclear-armed interceptors and were
moving down the runway when an officer drove his vehicle in
front of them and ordered them to stop. The base commander had phoned Duluth and
found out that it was the sabotage alarm that should have sounded, not the nucl
ear war klaxon. Had the planes taken off and found any U.S. B-47 or B-52 bombers
in the air, it is quite possible that they would have mistaken them for Soviet
bombers attacking the United States.”
“Was the intruder caught?”
“Yes, the intruder turned out to be a bear. During the next day, October 26, the
U.S. Navy searched the Soviet ship Marcula and 115
allowed it to continue on to Cuba after finding no missiles aboard. Meanwhile, V
andenberg Air Force Base launched an ICBM. This
was a previously scheduled test, but no one had thought to cancel it, despite th
e fact that the other nine test missiles had been loaded with nuclear weapons du
ring the previous two days. It was known that the Soviets sometimes had agents w
atching the base; such
agents could easily have been aware of the installation of nuclear weapons on th
e test missiles without realizing that one of the missiles still had its test pa
ckage intact.”
“What happened the next day?”
“On October 27, an American U-2 pilot made a navigational error and ended up in
Soviet airspace. The pilot radioed for help and nuclear-armed Air Force F-105 je
ts were scrambled to escort the pilot back. The Soviets launched interceptors to
shoot down the U-2, but it returned to American airspace before they could reac
h it. Had the U-2 been attacked, it would have been within the local Air Force b
ase commander s authority to order the F105s to use nuclear missiles against the
Soviet aircraft. The interceptor pilots had the ability, and in the case of a c
ommunications failure, the authority, to attack hostile Soviet aircraft by using
their nucleartipped missiles. That same day, another U-2 was shot down over Cub
a, despite the fact that the Soviet commander on site lacked the authority from
Moscow to order such an attack.”
“What happened next?”
“On the morning of October 28, U.S. early warning radar picked up a missile laun
ch from Cuba and predicted an impact in Florida. No impact occurred, however, an
d it was discovered that a test exercise tape had been accidentally inserted int
o the operational 116
computer system. At the same time, a satellite came over the
horizon at just the wrong moment, resulting in a real radar
detection despite the fictional missile. Later that day, Soviet Premier Nikita K
hruschev announced via Radio Moscow that all
nuclear missiles in Cuba would be dismantled, and the worst part of the crisis w
as over.”
“For the record, did we play any part in convincing the Soviets to back down?”
“None. Had the Earthlings wanted a nuclear war, they would have gotten one.”
“How much of a part did we play in making sure that none of the accidents you de
scribed led to an unintended nuclear war?”
“I ll have to go back and check the log. For the record though, we do have the a
uthority, though not the obligation, to prevent
accidental nuclear war on the Earth during our watch.”
“Of course. I certainly hope that Knabsnoitan is more liberal in interpreting th
ese directives than he used to be. The people of Tau Ceti 4 were such a promisin
g species before he let them destroy themselves by accident.”
117
1969 A.D. The Earth
INTERNET EXPANSION
In Which
a Network of Computers Develops
___________________________
250
200
150
100
Millions of Internet Hosts
50
0
Oct-69 Oct-73 Oct-77 Oct-81 Oct-85 Oct-89 Oct-93 Oct-97 Oct-01
Date
118
Historical Global Internet Host Data
Date Hosts
Date Hosts
Oct-1969 4
Jul-1992
992,000
Jun-1970 9
Oct-1992
1,136,000
Oct-1970 11
Jan-1993
1,313,000
Apr-1971 23
Apr-1993
1,486,000
Oct-1972 31
Jul-1993
1,776,000
Jan-1973 35
Oct-1993
2,056,000
Jun-1974 62
Jan-1994
2,217,000
Mar-1977 111
Jul-1994
3,212,000
Dec-1979 188
Oct-1994
3,864,000
Aug-1981 213
Jan-1995
5,846,000
May-1982 235
Jul-1995
8,200,000
Aug-1983 562
Jan-1996
14,352,000
Oct-1984 1,024
Jul-1996
16,729,000
Oct-1985 1,961
Jan-1997
21,819,000
Feb-1986 2,308
Jul-1997
26,053,000
Nov-1986 5,089
Jan-1998
29,670,000
Dec-1987 28,174
Jul-1998
36,739,000
Jul-1988 33,000
Jan-1999
43,230,000
Oct-1988 56,000
Jul-1999
56,218,000
Jan-1989 80,000
Jan-2000
72,398,092
Jul-1989 130,000
Jul-2000
93,047,785
Oct-1989 159,000
Jan-2001
109,574,429
Oct-1990 313,000
Jul-2001
125,888,197
Jan-1991 376,000
Jan-2002
147,344,723
Jul-1991 535,000
Jul-2002
162,128,493
Oct-1991 617,000
Jan-2003
171,638,297
Jan-1992 727,000
Jan-2003
233,101,481
Apr-1992 890,000
119
1974 A.D. The Earth
RESIGNATION
In Which
One Human Quits His Job
___________________________
PRESIDENT NIXON: ...They [the Brookings Institution] have
a lot of material....I want Brookings. I want them just to break in and take it
out. Do you understand?
HALDEMAN: Yeah. But you have to have somebody to do it.
PRESIDENT NIXON: That s what I m talking about. Don t
discuss it here. You talk to [E. Howard] Hunt. I want the breakin. Hell, they do
that. You re to break into the place, rifle the files, and bring them in.
HALDEMAN: I don t have any problems with breaking in. It s
a Defense Department approved security–
PRESIDENT NIXON: Just go in and take it. Go in around 8:00
or 9:00 o clock.
—Conversation transcribed by
Stanley I. Kutler and published
in Abuse of Power (1997)
120
JUNE 17: Five men are arrested for breaking into a
national party headquarters at the Watergate officeapartment-hotel complex.
JUNE 18: The President s campaign manager-and former
Attorney General-holds a press conference, at which he
says, “there is no place in our campaign or in the
electoral process for this type of activity, and we will not
permit or condone it.”
JUNE 19: The President s press secretary describes
Watergate as “a third-rate burglary attempt” but says that
“certain elements may try to stretch this beyond what it
is.”
JULY 19: In a conversation with President s chief
domestic affairs advisor, the President says, “If you cover
up, you are going to get caught.”
AUGUST 29: The President holds a press conference at
which he notes that “what really hurts in matters of this
sort is not the fact that they occur, because overzealous
people in campaigns do things that are wrong. What
really hurts is if you try to cover it up.”
SEPTEMBER 8: In a conversation with an aide, the
President says, “The cover-up is what hurts you, not the
issue. It s the cover-up that hurts.”
121
OCTOBER 18: The President s press secretary says no one
at “the White House directed activities involving
sabotage, spying and espionage.”
NOVEMBER 7: The President is re-elected with 60.8
percent of the vote.
JANUARY 15: Four Watergate defendants plead guilty to
the break-in.
JANUARY 28: The President s approval rating is 68
percent, his highest ever.
FEBRUARY 2: The judge in the Watergate trial says he is
“not satisfied” the full story was disclosed.
FEBRUARY 7: The Senate votes 70 to 0 to establish a
Select Committee to investigate Watergate.
FEBRUARY 22: In a conversation with the vice-chair of
the Senate Select Committee on Watergate, the President
says, “The main thing is to have no damn cover-up.
That s the worst that can happen.”
MARCH 14: In a conversation with the White House
counsel, the President says, “[E]spionage and sabotage is
illegal only if against the government. Hell, you can
espionage and sabotage all you want, unless you use
illegal means....Can I get away with it?”
122
MARCH 16: In a conversation with the White House chief
of staff, the President says, “The one thing you have to
bear in mind is there s only one thing worse than having
any substantive disclosures that have not come out, and
that is to have the cover-up exposed.”
MARCH 19: In a letter to the Watergate judge, one of the
defendants writes that he and the other defendants were
under “political pressure” to plead guilty and remain
silent. He claims higher-ups were involved in the breakin and that perjury had b
een committed at the trial.
APRIL 25: In a conversation with the Attorney General,
the President says, “I don t want any cover-ups of
anything. You know that.”
APRIL 27: The acting Director of the FBI resigns after it
is revealed that he destroyed evidence relating to the
Watergate scandal.
APRIL 30: The White House announces the resignations
of the Assistant Secretary of Commerce, the President s
chief domestic affairs adviser, the White House chief of
staff, the U.S. Attorney General, the White House
counsel, and the Undersecretary of Transportation. The
President concedes there “had been an effort to conceal
the facts.”
123
MAY 11: In a conversation with the new White House
chief of staff and the old White House chief of staff, the
President says, “I m not covering anything up.”
OCTOBER 12: The Vice-President resigns and the House
minority leader is nominated to replace him.
OCTOBER 20: The new Attorney General and deputy
Attorney General resign after refusing to fire the special
prosecutor. The Solicitor General is named acting
Attorney General and fires the special prosecutor.
NOVEMBER 17: In a televised program from Disney
World, the President says, “in all of my years of public
life I have never obstructed justice. People have got to
know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I
am not a crook. I earned everything I ve got.”
DECEMBER 6: During hearings about an 18½-minute gap
in a crucial taped conversation, the White House chief of
staff suggests that “perhaps some sinister force had come
in and applied the other energy source and taken care of
the information on the tape.” Attorneys from the special
prosecutor s office suggest the 18½-minute gap may have
been caused by the President.
JANUARY 30: In his State of the Union Address, the
President says, “I want you to know that I have no
124
intention whatever of walking away from the job that the
American people elected me to do for the people of the
United States.”
APRIL 30: The President releases 1,254 pages of
transcripts of taped events within the White House in lieu
of turning over the tapes themselves. There are many
cases of (expletive deleted), (adjective deleted), and
(unintelligible).
JULY 24: The Supreme Court rules 8-0 that the President
must turn over 64 tapes sought by the special prosecutor.
JULY 27-30: The House Judiciary Committee passes three
articles of impeachment against the President.
AUGUST 9: The President resigns.
125
1990 A.D. The Earth
REUNIFICATION
In Which
a Wall Goes Up and Then Comes Down
___________________________
“It is almost never when a state of things is the most
detestable that it is smashed, but when, beginning to
improve, it permits men to breathe, to reflect, to
communicate their thoughts with each other, and to gauge
by what they already have the extent of their rights and
their grievances. The weight, although less heavy, seems
then all the more unbearable.”
—Alexis de Tocqueville, September 23, 1853
1945: After the end of World War II, Berlin and Germany
are divided into four sectors occupied by the
Soviets, Americans, British, and French
“From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has desc
ended across the continent.”
—Winston Churchill, March 5, 1946
1949: Germany is divided into East Germany and West Germany
“Every gun that is fired, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies,
in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who ar
e cold and are not clothed. The world 126
in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, t
he genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.”
—Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 1953
“Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!” —Nikita
Khrushchev, November 17, 1956
“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any
price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to
assure the survival and the success of liberty.” —John F. Kennedy, January 20,
1961
1961: The Berlin Wall goes up
“There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe...I don t believe that the Ruma
nians consider themselves dominated by the Soviet Union. I don t believe that th
e Poles consider themselves
dominated by the Soviet Union.” —Gerald Ford, October 6, 1976
“A strong nation, like a strong person, can afford to be gentle, firm, thoughtfu
l, and restrained. It can afford to extend a helping hand to others. It s a weak
nation, like a weak person, that must behave with bluster and boasting and rash
ness and other signs of insecurity.” —Jimmy Carter, October 14, 1976
“God will not forgive us if we fail.”
—Leonid Brezhnev, June, 1979
“The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way
around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he a
ssumes to have perfect vision.”
—Henry Kissinger, September 30, 1979
127
“If Washington proves unable to rise above primitive anticommunism, if it persis
ts in a policy of threat and dictate, well, we are sufficiently strong and we ca
n wait. Neither sanctions nor belligerent posturing frighten us.”
—Konstantin Chernenko, October 16, 1982
“The present U.S. administration continues to tread an extremely perilous path..
.It is time they stopped thinking up one option after another in search of the b
est way of unleashing nuclear war in the hope of winning it. To do this is not j
ust irresponsible, it is madness.” —Yuri Andropov, March 27, 1983
“My fellow Americans: I m pleased to tell you today that I ve
signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin
bombing in five minutes.” —Ronald Reagan, August 11, 1984
“It is better to discuss things, to argue and engage in polemics than make perfi
dious plans of mutual destruction.”
—Mikhail Gorbachev, April 19, 1987
“We are in a war called peace. It is a conflict that has not ended and that will
probably continue for generations. The Soviets do not use armies or nuclear wea
pons to wage this war. Their principal weapons in the struggle with the West are
propaganda, diplomacy, negotiations, foreign aid, political maneuver, subversio
n, covert actions, and proxy war. In this conflict, not only our own freedom but
that of the rest of the world are at stake.”
—Richard Nixon, January, 1988
128
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy-but
that could change.”
—J. Danforth Quayle, May 22, 1989
“The Cold War began with the division of Europe. It can only end when Europe is
whole.” —George H. W. Bush, June 1, 1989
“Let s not talk about Communism. Communism was just an idea,
just pie in the sky.” —Boris Yeltsin, September 13, 1989
1989: The Berlin Wall comes down
“Today, Eastern Europe is again Central Europe-which it has
always been historically, culturally and philosophically.”
—Zbigniew Brzezinski, March 7, 1990
1990: Reunification of Germany
“[W]hat I see in Marxist ideology and the Communist pattern of rule is an extrem
e and cautionary instance of the arrogance of modern man, who styles himself the
master of nature and the
world, the only one who understands them, the one everything
must serve, the one for whom our planet exists. Intoxicated by the achievements
of his mind, by modern science and technology, he forgets that his knowledge has
limits and that beyond these limits lies a great mystery, something higher and
infinitely more
sophisticated than his own intellect.”
—Václav Havel, October 25, 1991
1991: Dissolution of the Soviet Union
129
1992 A.D. The Earth
WORLD WIDE WEB CREATION
In Which
a New Medium Is Created
___________________________
“Marc Andreessen will tell you with a straight face that he expects [Netscape] t
o become the standard interface to
electronic information.”
—Gary Wolf, Wired (October, 1994)
Come n listen to my story bout a kid named Marc,
Poor college student, didn t have a place to park.
An then one day, after drinking lots of beer,
On his computer he wrote a Web browser.
Mosaic, that is! Pictures! Linked text!
Well, the first thing you know, Marc s a decibillionaire,
Friends all said, “Marc, move away from there.”
Said, “Californy is th place y oughta be,”
So he packed up a box and he moved to the Valley.
Silicon, that is! Mountain View! Where Sun is!
130
Young Marc had a company, Lawdy it was hot,
Five million shares sold out in a shot!
Some folks objected: “They don t have any sales!”
But so many used their browser that it was to no avail.
Netscape, that is! Market share! Web dominance!
Well, now it s time to say hello to Bill and Microsoft,
Who never take it lightly if their market share is lost.
Internet Explorer may not be a pretty swap,
But you ll need a lot of help getting it off your desktop.
Lawsuits, that is! DoJ! Questionable business practices!
131
1998 A.D. The Earth
COMPOSITION
In Which
a Book Is Written
___________________________
“The greatest part of a writer s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a
man will turn over half a library to make one book.” —Samuel Johnson, April 6, 1
775
What causes someone to summarize the entire history of the Universe in 200 words
or less? Boredom and hubris. Let s say you re an astronomer and you re working
on a Saturday afternoon because you have more to do than can be fit into a 40-ho
ur workweek. After a few hours of work you realize that you re bored by the deta
ils of what you re doing and that you ve got to do something different, even if
only for an hour or so, or else you ll take “hit any key to continue” far too li
terally. Even though you know that the end result of your work will be an improv
ed knowledge of the Universe around us, getting to that end result can be a tria
l at times. While surfing the Internet you find the “History of the United State
s in 100 Words or Less.” The thought crosses your mind that if the history of th
e U.S. can be summarized in 100 words, then it should be possible to sum up the
history of the Universe in 200 words. And who better than you to do it? You are,
after all, an astronomer, and cosmology, the study of the origin and history of
the Universe, is a subfield of astronomy, so you feel quite well qualified to w
rite such a history.
132
In no time at all, it seems, you ve summarized the history of the Universe in 20
0 words or less. Now what do you do with this work?
Because you have internalized the philosophy of “publish or perish,” you submit
the piece to the Internet newsgroup rec.humor.funny, which is read by almost hal
f a million people around the world. Then, 42 minutes later, you receive a missi
ve that begins, “I have accepted your joke for rec.humor.funny.” Oh joy, oh rapt
ure, oh bliss. Your work is going to be read by hundreds of thousands of people
in dozens of different countries!
The piece appears eight weeks later and is brought to the attention of the edito
r of the Annals of Improbable Research (see the glossary entry for more informat
ion about this most important scholarly journal), who wants to publish it. Seven
months later it appears in that august journal, and nine months after that the
editor asks whether you d like to perform the piece at the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremo
ny, an annual event honoring those whose achievements “cannot or should not be r
eproduced.” The editor has just published The Best of Annals of Improbable Resea
rch, which contains two of your pieces, and is signing copies of the book at the
ceremony. Because of this, two representatives of the publisher are in attendan
ce when you present The History. They ask whether you d be interested in turning
it into a book. After a month or so you ve put together a proposal and the publ
isher has accepted it. Then you find out that you can t write the book after all
, because I ve already written it. Better luck next time.
Many people have contributed in one way or another to this book. For example, I
contributed quite a lot to it. But if it weren t for the people listed below, th
is book might not exist and certainly wouldn t be what it is. So let s all say “
Thank You!” to Marc Abrahams, Emily Anthony, Albert Chou, Caroline Cox, Virginia
Cox, William Cox, Garry Diamond, Jim Griffith, David Hyatt, Jonathan Kaplan, Sl
oane Lederer, John Michel, Regula Noetzli, Emily Schulman, Marvin Schulman, and
Ben Zuckerman. Thanks, folks!
133
2004 A.D. The Earth
EXTRAPOLATION
In Which
Future Events Are Discussed
___________________________
Extrapolation is a very important concept but it can be quite
difficult to do well. To put it simply, extrapolation is trying to figure out wh
at will happen based on what has already happened. Interpolation is easier, that
s just using what happened at the start and at the end in order to figure out w
hat happened in the middle. In fact, extrapolation in Irish is athidirrinneacht,
which literally translated means “getting beyond between points.”
I wrote the Extrapolation chapter of A Briefer History of Time on December 31, 1
997. In it, I made what amounted to four
predictions:
• Sales of A Briefer History of Time would be significant during 1999
• The Year 2000 (Y2K) Problem would strike on January 1,
2000, and cause us serious difficulties
• A Briefer History of Time would be nominated for a Hugo Award for Best Related
Book in early 2000
• Humanity would finish exploring the Galaxy by 60 million
A.D.
So how well did I do?
134
• About 5,000 copies of A Briefer History of Time were sold in 1999. That’s pret
ty good, but not as good as I’d been
hoping. I’ll give myself half credit for this prediction.
• Y2K was a total flop! I hope this doesn’t mean we’ll be
overconfident about Y10K. Zero credit for this prediction.
• A Briefer History of Time was not nominated for a Hugo Award. No credit.
• Humanity hasn’t yet finished exploring the Galaxy, but
since 60 million A.D. is still pretty far off, this prediction will remain untes
ted for now.
See, I told you extrapolation was hard to do well! So instead of attempting to u
se my powers of extrapolation to make further
predictions about the future, I’ll use this space to tell you a little more abou
t the version of A Briefer History of Time you’re reading right now.
First of all, it isn’t exactly the same as the hardcopy version. In some ways it
’s better because I’ve fixed typos and made a few
improvements. However, it lacks the illustrations the hardcopy version has and s
ome of the chapters here aren’t formatted quite as nicely. But one big plus is t
hat it’s free! I’m releasing this version under a Creative Commons license. The
full legal details can be found at the very end of the file (after the Glossary)
, but it basically amounts to this: You are free to copy, distribute, display, a
nd perform this work as long as you give me credit, do not use this work for com
mercial purposes, and do not alter, transform, or build upon this work.
135
If you’ve enjoyed reading this version, perhaps you’d also like to read the book
in its original form. In can be purchased online from a number of vendors, the
most popular of which is probably
Amazon.Com:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/offering/list/-/0716733897/collectib
le/
And if you buy it through my listing on that page, I would be very happy to sign
it for you.
I enjoyed writing the original A Briefer History of Time and I’ve enjoyed revisi
ting it for this electronic version. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it. Let me kn
ow what you think!
With kind regards,
Eric Schulman
136
COMPENDIOUS GLOSSARY
In Which
Familiar and Unfamiliar Terms Are Defined
___________________________
Abrahams, Marc: The editor and co-founder of The Annals of Improbable Research,
the editor of the books The Best of Annals of Improbable Research, Sex As a Heap
of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Other Improbabilities), and The Ig Nobel Prizes,
and all-around great guy.
Acritarchs: The resting stage of primitive eukaryotic life that lived between 1.
8
to 1.5 billion years ago. Acritarchs are always home a-bed.
Aerobic: Reactions that occur in the presence of oxygen. Anaerobic reactions, on
the other hand, require the absence of oxygen. Aerobic exercise is good for you
, while anaerobic exercise (sprinting, for example) tends to hurt a lot.
Agnosticism: The belief that one is uncertain about whether or not there is a Go
d.
Amino acid: The building blocks of proteins. Although hundreds of amino acids ar
e known, only twenty are used to create proteins in life as we know it. Amino ac
ids have been discovered in meteorites, in the gas between the stars, and in cer
tain hair-care products.
Amish: Followers of the sectarian movement that split from the Anabaptists in 16
93, primarily over the Anabaptist belief that only the pure should be involved i
n religion.
137
Anabaptists: Members of Christian sects who believe that baptism should only be
administered to believers and that infant baptism is not authorized by the Bible
.
Ananda Marga Yoga: Founded in 1955, this religion teaches that by meditating sev
eral times a day, devotees can reach a state of bliss.
Andropov, Yuri: A river boatman who worked his way up to become General Secretar
y of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in 1982.
Anglicans: Members of the Church of England, which split off from Catholicism in
1534 so that Henry VIII could get his marriage to Catherine of Aragon annulled.
Angular momentum: A quality possessed by objects in circular motion, equal to th
e mass of the body multiplied by its velocity multiplied by the radius of the ci
rcle. Angular momentum is “conserved,” which means that if the radius decreases
then the velocity increases. A dramatic example of the effects of angular moment
um occurs when rotating ice skaters rapidly increase their spin simply by pullin
g their arms in.
Annals of Improbable Research: A wholly remarkable international science humor m
agazine, devoted to publishing science articles that are educational and humorou
s. Call (617-491-4437), write (P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA, 02238, USA), e-ma
il ([email protected]), or open your web browser (http://www.improbable.com) no
w for subscription information!
Anshar: In Sumerian cosmology he mated with his sister Kishar to create the grea
t gods, including Enki.
Anteater: A mammal that feeds mostly on ants and termites. You probably knew thi
s already, although you may not have thought about the termites.
Anthony, Emily: Helpful non-scientist critic and friend from way back in the day
s of the second Reagan Administration.
138
Antiparticles: All particles have antiparticles that are identical to them excep
t for having an opposite electromagnetic charge. When particles and antiparticle
s meet, they annihilate each other and their mass is converted into pure energy
as decreed by Einstein s famous formula, E=mc2, where E is energy, m is mass, an
d c is the speed of light. Many science fiction spaceships run on matterantimatt
er engines.
Arboreal: Living in trees.
Arfvedson, Johann: He discovered lithium in 1817.
Arkwright, Richard: British cotton industry innovator. He built factories to emp
loy hundreds of people, a dramatic change from the situation until then, in whic
h only a few people worked together under one roof.
Arthropods: One of the most successful animal phyla, arthropods make up more tha
n 75 percent of all known organisms and include insects, spiders, crustaceans an
d trilobites (until they kicked the proverbial bucket).
Assemblies of God: Founded in 1914, it is the largest of the Christian Pentecost
al traditions.
Asteroid: Ranging in size from a few miles to more than 500 miles across, astero
ids or “minor planets” are chunks of rock that orbit the Sun and are most common
between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter. The author discovered one of these in 1
993 but has since lost track of it. Drop me a line if you happen to spot minor p
lanet 1993 GZ.
Atheism: The belief that God does not exist.
Atoms: The building blocks of everyday matter, atoms are composed of nuclei surr
ounded by electrons. The protons and neutrons in the nucleus are held together b
y the strong nuclear force, and the electrons are bound to the atom by their ele
ctromagnetic attraction to the protons in the nucleus. Most hair-care products h
ave large numbers of atoms in them.
139
Aum Shinrikyo: A belief system that teaches that supreme bliss is attainable thr
ough a sequence of initiations after leading a monastic life and severing ties w
ith family and friends. Believers with a knowledge of chemistry are particularly
prized.
Aurignacian: A period of time during the late Stone Age that was characterized b
y widespread use of flint blades and bone tools. It began around 38,000 B.C. and
lasted until about 20,000 B.C.
Austria: A country in Central Europe.
Babism: Founded in 1844 by Mirza Ali Muhammad (also called the Bab), this sect o
f Islam forbid polygamy and was violently persecuted.
Baha i: Founded in 1863 by Mirza Hoseyn Ali Nuri (a follower of the Bab), the pr
inciples of this faith include the oneness of humanity; the oneness of religion;
the evolutionary nature of religion; harmony between religion, science, and rea
son; the elimination of prejudice; the equality of men and women; the abolition
of extremes of wealth and poverty; and universal peace.
Baptists: Members of Christian sects who believe that baptism should only be adm
inistered to believers and that immersion is the only baptism method authorized
by the Bible.
Belgium: A country in Western Europe.
Beryllium: Beryllium nuclei have four protons and usually five neutrons. On Eart
h, a hard gray metal that is sometimes used in golf clubs and nuclear weapons. I
t emits neutrons when bombarded by helium nuclei.
Berzelius, Jons: He discovered selenium in 1817, silicon in 1823, and thorium in
1828.
Bible: The holy book of Christianity.
Big Bang: The “event” that denotes the origin of our Universe. 140
Billion: A number popularized by the late Carl Sagan, it is written numerically
as 1,000,000,000 (or 109 in scientific notation). In the United Kingdom, 109 is
often referred to as “a thousand million” and the word billion means 1012, which
is what people in the United States call a trillion.
Bipedal: Having two feet.
Black hole: An object so dense that even light cannot escape from it. Black hole
s are typically five to a billion times the mass of the sun and spend very littl
e of their time gallivanting around the universe gobbling up whatever comes near
.
Bosons: Particles with integer spin. Don t worry about it.
Brachiopods: These are marine animals that look like clams, but trust me, there
are significant differences that I can t recall at the moment. I ll get back to
you on this one.
Branch Davidians: Founded in 1929 as a sectarian movement from the Seventh-Day A
dventist Association, which was founded as a sectarian movement from the Seventh
-Day Adventist Church, Branch Davidians believe that the Second Coming of Christ
is imminent. Parishioners with prior military experience are particularly prize
d.
Branhamism: This sect was founded in 1946 and split from the Christian Pentecost
al Movement in the 1950s. They believe that the first sin occurred when Eve enga
ged in sexual activities with the Serpent in the Garden of Eden.
Brezhnev, Leonid Ilyich: A graduate of the Dneprodzerzhinsk Metallurgical Instit
ute, his thesis “The Design of Electrostatic Cleaning of Furnace Gas in the F.E.
Dzerzhinsk Factory” received a grade of “excellent.” He also led the Soviet Uni
on from 1964 until his death in 1982. His favorite game was dominos.
Broken symmetry: This is a somewhat complicated particle physics concept involvi
ng rather complicated mathematics. I wouldn t worry too much about it.
141
Bruderhof: Formed in 1920 out of the Anabaptist tradition, this sect believes th
at the current society is a system of injustice based on violence, fear, and iso
lation, and that a new social order based on unity and joy must take its place.
Brzezinski, Zbigniew: National Security Advisor to the President of the United S
tates from 1977 to 1981. Hi, Dr. Brzezinski!
Buddhism: Founded in India around 530 B.C. by Siddhartha Gautama, this religion
teaches that existence is suffering, that suffering is caused by craving and att
achment, and that nirvana or the cessation of suffering can be reached via the e
ightfold path of right views, right resolve, right speech, right action, right l
ivelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration.
Buoyancy: The upward force felt by objects immersed in a fluid. Balloons float i
n the air because of buoyancy, while the hair of television personalities is buo
yant because they use better hair-care products than you do.
Bush, George Herbert Walker: Born in Massachusetts and raised in Connecticut, he
went on to become President of the United States of America in 1989.
Calvinism: Founded in the 16th century A.D. by John Calvin, this sect of Protest
ant Christianity teaches that human beings have no free will and that who will g
o to Heaven is predetermined. One might think that this would encourage people t
o do whatever they wanted to, but instead it encouraged them to be thrifty and i
ndustrious so as to show everyone else that they were destined for salvation.
Cambrian: The geologic period between 544 and 505 million years ago.
Carbohydrates: Organic compounds like starches and sugars that are composed of c
arbon, oxygen, and hydrogen. Hair-care products sometimes contain carbohydrates.
142
Carbon: Carbon nuclei have six protons and usually six neutrons. On Earth, pure
carbon is either diamond or graphite, one of which is used in jewelry and the ot
her of which is used in pencils, briquettes, and other useful items.
Carbon dioxide: A molecule composed of one atom of carbon and two atoms of oxyge
n (CO2). On Earth, a colorless non-flammable gas required for photosynthesis, re
leased by respiration, and used in carbonated beverages. It is a greenhouse gas.
Carbonic acid: H2CO3 is produced when carbon dioxide dissolves in water. It is a
component of acid rain.
Carlyle, Thomas: Born in Ecclefechan in 1795, this Scottish writer lived on a fa
rm at Craigenputtock for six years; he hated and feared democracy.
Carnivore: An animal that mostly eats other animals.
Carter, James Earl, Jr.: A nuclear engineer and Sunday school teacher who went o
n to become President of the United States of America in 1977. He was awarded th
e Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 (please fill in the date once the Nobel Committee ge
ts its act together). Congratulations, President Carter!
Carthage: Founded in 814 B.C., this ancient city-state could have been a contend
er but instead went 0 for 3 in the Punic Wars with Rome (264 to 146
B.C.) and was utterly destroyed as a result.
Catholicism: A direct descendant of the original Christian Church, which believe
s that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that by faith in Christ people may obt
ain salvation and eternal life.
Cavendish, Henry: He discovered hydrogen in 1766.
Cell: In biology, the smallest unit of living things (if we assume viruses to be
non-living). Unicellular organisms have only one cell, while multicellular orga
nisms like you can have trillions of cells. Cells reproduce, convert and store e
nergy, manufacture molecules, and are present in most hair care products. 143
Cell differentiation: The use of subcellular organelles so that each cell can ha
ve different duties in multicellular organisms.
Celts: A large group of pre-Roman Europeans.
Ceremonialism: Any of a number of different belief systems that revolve around o
rdered actions of a symbolic nature performed to express and transmit values and
beliefs. You know, ceremonies. The earliest evidence of ceremonial burial is fr
om about 26,000 B.C.
Cheetah: A very fast carnivorous land mammal.
Chen Tao: Formed in 1993, the followers of Chen Tao believe that the Earth has e
ndured four nuclear holocausts, more than 888,800 million lesser holocausts, and
is about to experience a fifth nuclear holocaust.
Chernenko, Konstantin Ustinovich: The head of the agitation and propaganda depar
tment of the Moldavian republic between 1948 and 1956, he become the General Sec
retary of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics in 1984
.
Chitin: A white or colorless substance that forms the hard outer part of crustac
eans and insects. Try not to think about it too much.
Chloroplast: An organelle in plants that turns light, carbon dioxide, and water
into carbohydrates and oxygen. Health food often includes chloroplasts.
Chordates: The animal phylum that includes humans and other vertebrates, chordat
es have a dorsal nerve cord that runs down the back and connects the brain with
the rest of the body.
Chou, Albert: Plasma-physics-graduate-student-cum-copy-editor, turned software e
ngineer and director of marketing at Maverick Technologies; hopefully one day pr
oprietor of The Random Cafe. “He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.” —Jona
than Swift What’s up, Al?
144
Christadelphianism: Founded in 1844, Christadelphians believe that baptism by im
mersion after receiving knowledge of the Bible is crucial to salvation.
Christian Reconstructionism: Founded in 1973, this Christian sect believes that
all human behavior is inherently religious.
Christian Science: Founded in 1879 by Mary Baker Eddy, Christian Scientists deny
the reality of the material world and believe that healing results from underst
anding one s indestructible relationship with God.
Chromosomes: Thread-like collections of genetic material in cell nuclei. Humans
have 23 pairs of chromosomes.
Churchill, Sir Winston Leonard Spencer: Prime Minister of England between 1940 a
nd 1945, he should not be confused with Winston Churchill the American novelist
and member of the New Hampshire legislature between 1903 and 1905.
Cigar: A roll of tobacco leaves often used for smoking.
Clemenceau, Georges: Premier of France in 1906-1909 and 1917-1919, he was also a
doctor, a teacher, a journalist, and a novelist.
Cluster of galaxies: A collection of hundreds or thousands of galaxies held toge
ther by the gravitational attraction between them.
Cluster of stars: A collection of from hundreds to millions of stars. Globular c
lusters are stable collections of hundreds of thousands to millions of stars and
are held together by gravitational attraction. Open star clusters are smaller a
nd tend to be locations where stars have recently formed; they do not in general
survive for more than a few tens of millions of years.
Colonial organism: A colony of unicellular organisms.
Combustion: Burning, whether logs on the fire or hydrocarbons in your automobile
.
145
Comet: Dirty snowballs composed mostly of dust plus frozen water, carbon dioxide
, ammonia, and methane. They tend to be several miles across and they orbit arou
nd the Sun at very large distances, mostly past the orbit of Neptune (more than
30 times farther from the Sun than the Earth is). Every so often one will come i
nto the inner solar system and release a dramatic tail of evaporated ices.
Compiler: A computer program that translates computer programs written in a part
icular computer language that only programmers can understand into lists of inst
ructions that only computers can understand.
Computer: A device that tends to do what you tell it to rather than what you wan
t it to.
Computer language: The syntax and commands used to give instructions to computer
s. The statements in computer languages are usually composed of a series of inco
mprehensible words and symbols that require a compiler to translate them into a
series of incomprehensible strings of 1 s and 0 s.
Condensation: The process by which gas molecules turn into liquid molecules.
Confucianism: The moral and religious system of many in China, it was founded by
K ung Fu-tse (Confucius) late in the 6th century B.C. It states that everyone m
ust strive to be virtuous and looks forward to the great commonwealth when human
ity is united under ethical rule.
Copulation: To engage in... Hey, how did this word get on the list?
Cox, Caroline: Astronomy Ph.D., excellent copy editor, and all-around wonderful
person, Dr. Cox has co-authored a number of Annals of Improbable Research articl
es, including “How to Write a Ph.D. Thesis,” “How to Write a Scientific Research
Report,” and “Pat the Dean.”
Cox, Virginia: Mother of all-around wonderful person Caroline Cox.
146
Cox, William: Father of all-around wonderful person Caroline Cox and expert on m
ilitary history.
Crustaceans: A large class of arthropods that includes crabs, lobsters, shrimp,
barnacles, and wood lice. You don t really want to know all about their chitinou
s exoskeletons, do you?
Curie, Marie Sklodowska: With Pierre Curie, she discovered polonium and radium i
n 1898. They were awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1903 and she was awarde
d the Nobel Prize for Chemistry in 1911.
Cyanobacteria: Blue-green algae. These single-celled organisms use light to prod
uce carbohydrates and oxygen through photosynthesis and the results of their wor
k can be found in most health food stores.
Danes: Natives of Denmark, in this case those who plundered the coasts of Europe
in the 8th through 10th centuries A.D.
Deism: The belief that the wonders of nature demonstrate the existence of God an
d that formal religion is unnecessary and can be counterproductive given the con
flicts between adherents of different religious belief systems.
Denmark: A country in Northern Europe.
Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA): The nucleic acid that contains the genetic code for
organisms on the Earth. The fundamental building blocks of DNA are a phosphate
(PO4), a sugar (deoxyribose), and a nucleic acid base (either adenine, thymine,
guanine, or cytosine). Some hair care products have DNA in them. According to th
e Cable News Network, many people first heard about DNA during the Orenthal Jame
s Simpson trial.
Deuterium: Heavy hydrogen, with one proton and one neutron in the nucleus. Triti
um is even heavier, with two neutrons and one proton in the nucleus. Tritium is
somewhat radioactive, so its presence in the congressional districts of influent
ial representatives can lead to highly political government actions, even when t
he amount of radioactivity is very small.
147
Deuteron: An atom of deuterium.
Diamond, Garry: Teacher, therapist, and wonderful mother. Hi, Mom!
Dimitrijevic, Colonel Dragutin: The Chief of the Intelligence Department in the
Serbian General Staff who organized the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in 1
914. He had also been involved in the assassination of King Alexander in 1903.
Dinoflagellates: Unicellular organisms that have two long groups of protein stra
nds called flagella that are used for locomotion.
Dinosaur: I think you know this one.
Diplomonads: Heterotrophic protists that lack mitochondria.
Discordianism: Founded in 1958, this belief system teaches that the world is a c
haotic, confusing, and disordered place that human beings attempt to veil with a
thin sheet of order and stability.
Dissociation: The separation of molecules into their component atoms.
Dollfuss, Engelbert: Leader of the Austrian Farmers League, he became Chancello
r of Austria in 1932 and met his untimely end on July 25, 1934, at the hands of
Austrian Nazis.
Donnybrook: A suburb of Dublin, Ireland. The Donnybrook Fair was held each year
between 1204 and 1855, when it was suppressed because of disruptive brawls and e
xcessive rioting.
Dorn, Fredrich Ernst: He discovered radon in 1898.
Dorn, Michael: He played Lieutenant Worf in 1998.
148
Druidism: A collection of beliefs from numerous ancient European religions stres
sing the cultivation of a close relationship with nature and the pursuit of know
ledge and wisdom.
Dust: In astronomy, dust refers to very small (about 10 millionths of an inch in
diameter) grains of carbon, silicon, and other elements.
Earth: The third planet from the Sun, it has a mass of seven thousand billion bi
llion tons and a diameter of about 8000 miles. It has an atmosphere of nitrogen
and oxygen and one relatively large moon. It is very likely to be the planet on
which you are reading this book, unless it’s been uploaded to the International
Space Station. In which case, hi folks!
Echinoderms: An animal phylum that includes starfish and sea urchins, echinoderm
s can only live in salt water.
Eckankar: Founded in 1965, this religion teaches that the body is separate from
the immortal inner soul, that people must travel through twelve planes of existe
nce before they can reach God, and that it is important to limit one s use of al
cohol, tobacco, and drugs.
Eisenhower, Dwight David: An American general famous for his leadership in World
War II who, in 1948, became President of Columbia University.
Electromagnetic force: One of the four fundamental forces of nature, this force
results in opposite charges attracting each other (for example, a proton and an
electron) and for similar charges repelling each other (for example, two protons
). The electromagnetic force is not as strong as the strong nuclear force, which
means that atomic nuclei are held together despite the fact that protons repel
each other electromagnetically.
Electrons: These particles are negatively charged. They are much less massive th
an the protons and neutrons that make up the nucleus of atoms. Collecting too ma
ny can be a shocking experience.
149
Endosymbiont: An organism in a symbiotic relationship with the organism within w
hich it is living.
Energy barrier: A region that requires a certain amount of energy to enter. For
example, two protons both have positive electric charge and therefore repel each
other, with the strength of the repelling force being proportional to the inver
se of the square of the distance. In other words, the closer the protons get, th
e larger the force pushing them apart becomes and the more energy is required to
overcome the repelling force. When the two protons are sufficiently close then
the strong nuclear force can hold them together because it is much stronger than
the electromagnetic force pushing them apart.
England: A country in Western Europe.
Enki: In Sumerian cosmology he was married to the goddess Ninki; Marduk was thei
r son.
Episcopalians: Members of American churches that split from the English Anglican
Church in 1789.
Evaporation: The process by which liquid molecules turn into gas molecules.
Eukaryotic life: Life made up of cells with nuclei that contain DNA. Such cells
often have organelles like mitochondria or chloroplasts. All known plants and an
imals are eukaryotes, as are fungi and many relatively simple organisms known as
protists. Prokaryotic life, on the other hand, lack discrete nuclei and subcell
ular organelles. It is likely that you are a eukaryotic organism.
Europe: A continent in the northern hemisphere of the planet Earth.
Exoskeleton: A skeleton that supports the body from the outside rather than from
the inside. Try not to think about it too much.
Exponential expansion: A rate of increase that is proportional to the current va
lue. For example, if the universe doubles in size every 10-35 seconds, then afte
r the first 10-35 seconds it will be twice it s original size, after the second
it 150
will be four times, after the third it will be eight times, and after the thousa
ndth (e.g., after 10-32 seconds) it will be 10300 times its original size. At th
e moment, the universe is no longer expanding exponentially, but rather in a lin
ear fashion.
Fermions: Particles with half-integer spin. Don t worry about it. Really.
Flagella: Long groups of protein strands used by for locomotion by some microsco
pic organisms.
Ford, Gerald Rudolph: College football player at the University of Michigan, Par
k Ranger at Yellowstone National Park, and President of the United States from 1
974 until 1977, he was born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. His favorite desert is butter
pecan ice cream.
Ford, Henry: A machinist s apprentice who went on to found the Detroit Automobil
e Company in 1899. That didn t work out too well, so in 1903 he founded the Ford
Motor Company, which did rather better.
Four-dimensional: Ah, this is a tricky one. Let s start small. A point has no si
ze at all, it is zero-dimensional. A line is one-dimensional: it has only length
. A square is two-dimensional, it has length and width, which are perpendicular
to each other. A cube is three-dimensional, it has length, width, and height, wh
ich are all perpendicular to each other. A hypercube is four-dimensional, it has
length, width, height, and another dimension perpendicular to the first three.
I can t point to this dimension, just as a two-dimensional creature couldn t poi
nt out what direction “height” could be measured in.
France: A country in Western Europe.
Free lunch: No such thing.
Freemasonry: Formed in 1717, Freemasonry stresses tolerance, respect, kindness,
understanding, philanthropy, and morals. Some claim that the Masons are a secret
society, although their membership, constitution, rules, aims, and principles a
re not secret and they sometimes advertise in in-flight magazines.
151
Fundamentalism: Christian Fundamentalists believe that the Bible is literally tr
ue and that they are the guardians of the truth. There are also fundamentalists
in other religious traditions.
Fusion: The building of heavier elements from lighter ones, a process that usual
ly releases energy. For example, four protons (hydrogen nuclei) combine to form
one helium nucleus in hydrogen fusion. The four protons together have more mass
than the helium nucleus, and the mass difference is released as energy via Einst
ein s E=mc2.
Galaxy: A collection of hundreds of billions of stars held together by gravitati
onal attraction. We live in a galaxy called the Milky Way.
Gamelin, Maurice Gustave: Appointed Chief of the French General Staff in 1931, h
e was named Commander in Chief of all French forces in June of 1939
and generalissimo of the Allied forces at the start of World War II in September
, 1939. The war didn t go too well for France, though, and he was replaced on Ma
y 19, 1940. He spent the war in prison in Germany.
Gas: A state of matter in which the volume expands in all directions unless conf
ined. For example, interstellar matter is a gas.
Geologic time: Geologic time is broken up into eons that lasted between 500
and 1500 million years, eras that lasted between 65 and 250 million years, perio
ds that lasted between 2 and 100 million years, and epochs that lasted between 1
0,000 years and 20 million years. We are currently in the Holocene Epoch (9,000
B.C. onwards) of the Quaternary Period (1.8 million B.C. onwards) of the Cenozoi
c Era (65 million B.C. onwards) of the Phanerozoic Eon (544
million B.C. onwards).
Georgia: A country in Western Asia. Also, a state in the Southeastern United Sta
tes.
Germany: A country in Central Europe.
Gills: Respiratory organs that can extract oxygen from water. 152
Glossary: A list of words and their definitions, usually found at the back of a
book, in which the author tries to explain all potentially unfamiliar terms. Of
course, the potentially unfamiliar terms in the glossary definitions then requir
e glossary entries, and the potentially unfamiliar terms in these definitions th
en require glossary entries. See the entry on recursion.
Gold: Gold nuclei have 79 protons and usually 118 neutrons. On Earth, gold is a
metallic element used in jewelry, coins, electronics, and nuclear weapons.
Gorbachev, Mikhail Sergeevich: An assistant combine operator who worked his way
up to become General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Soc
ialist Republics. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1990 and a Grammy Award in 200
4.
Gravitational force: One of the four fundamental forces of nature, this force re
sults in every particle attracting every other particle. The gravitational attra
ction between all our particles and all the particles in the Earth keeps us on t
he ground.
Greece: A country in Southeastern Europe.
Greenhouse gas: A gas that acts to heat the atmosphere of the Earth in a way tha
t s not as similar as you d expect to the way that a glass greenhouse heats the
air inside of it.
Griffith, Jim: Moderator of the newsgroup rec.humor.funny in 1996.
Gurdjieff: Founded in 1913, followers of Gurdjieff believe that all individuals
need purification and that they must work on relationships by opening themselves
to others.
Habitable zone: The region around a star in which a potentially habitable planet
(one with oceans of liquid water) can exist. The more massive the star, the lar
ger the habitable zone is. In our Solar System the habitable zone is 153
between about 88 million miles from the Sun and about 130 million miles from the
Sun; the Earth is 93 million miles from the Sun.
Hair care products: Products usually used for caring for one s hair.
Half-integer spin: Please don t ask.
Half-life: The time it takes for half of a quantity of radioactive material to d
ecay. The half-life of Radon-222 is 3.8 days, while the half-life of Uranium238
is 4.5 billion years.
Hargreaves, James: Some folks reckon that he invented them spinning jenny things
round about 1765.
Hasidism: Founded in the early 1700s by Rabbi Israel ben Eliezar, Ba al Shem Tov
as a sect of Judaism, Hasidism stresses the priority of emotion over intellect,
the idea that all men are equal before God, and that prayerful devotion is pref
erable to Talmudic Study. It is closely related to Orthodox Judaism.
Hannibal: The greatest general to ever oppose the Roman Empire, Hannibal and his
small army invaded Italy in 218 B.C. and ravaged it for 15 years until he was r
ecalled to defend Carthage in 203 B.C.
Havel, Václav: A playwright, essayist, and brewery worker, he became President o
f the Czech and Slovak Federal Republic in 1989, and the first President of the
Czech Republic in 1992.
Helium: The next heaviest element after hydrogen. Helium nuclei are made up of n
uclei with two protons and usually two neutrons. Neutral helium atoms have two e
lectrons. On Earth, helium is a colorless, odorless, non-flammable gas that allo
ws balloons to fly but doesn t result in fiery explosions.
Herbivore: An animal that mostly eats plants.
154
Heterotroph: An organism that obtains food from outside sources rather than by m
aking it through photosynthesis or other methods. You are probably a heterotroph
.
Higgs particles: These as yet undiscovered scalar bosons are purported to give l
eptons, quarks, and intermediate vector bosons their masses, would be responsibl
e for the existence of nine rather than three charged quark currents, and would
cause both parity and charge-parity symmetry violations in weak processes. Are y
ou sorry you asked?
Hinduism: The religious beliefs and practices of the majority of people in India
. Its beliefs include reincarnation based on karma, wherein the good and bad act
ions of individuals determine the form they will take in the next lifetime.
Hitler, Adolf: Would the world have been different had he been named Adolf Schic
klgruber?
Holland: A country in Western Europe. See the entry on the Netherlands.
Hopper, Grace Murray: A leader in the field of software development and validati
on, she developed the first compiler and created the computer language that led
directly to COBOL, the first business-oriented programming language. She was bor
n in 1906, studied mathematics and physics at Vassar College, and received a PhD
in mathematics from Yale in 1934, while she was a professor at Vassar. In 1943
she joined the United States Naval Reserve as a Lieutenant (Junior Grade) and wa
s the first programmer of the Navy s Mark I computer. While working on the Mark
II computer at Harvard she found the first example of an actual bug in a compute
r. She retired from the Naval Reserve as a Rear Admiral when she was eighty year
s old and she died in 1992 at the age of eighty-five.
Humanism: Belief systems that emphasize human capabilities, the study of past hu
man achievements and literature, and respect for scientific knowledge.
Huns: A nomadic tribe from Mongolia that took control over a large portion of Eu
rope in the 5th century A.D.
155
Hyatt, David: Author of “The History of the United States in 100 Words or Less.”
Hydrogen: The most basic chemical element, hydrogen atoms are made up of one pro
ton and one electron. On Earth, hydrogen is a colorless, odorless, flammable gas
that allows balloons to fly, burn, and/or explode, depending on the size of the
balloon and whether or not there are any sparks nearby.
Hydrogen sulfide: A molecule composed of one atom of sulfur and two atoms of hyd
rogen (H2S). On Earth, hydrogen sulfide is a colorless gas with quite an odor (t
hink rotten eggs).
ICBM: An intercontinental ballistic missile, which is a missile that can launch
a warhead from one continent and have it land in another. In practice, ICBMs hav
e ranges of at least 3500 miles.
Ig® Nobel Prize: These prizes honor people whose achievements cannot or should n
ot be reproduced. They are given out in the fall by Marc Abrahams.
Impeachment: The formal presentation of charges against a public official accuse
d of misconduct so that he or she will be tried and removed from office if convi
cted. For example, Robert Aderholt, Bill Archer, Richard Armey, Spencer Bachus I
II, Richard Baker, Cass Ballenger, Bob Barr, Bill Barrett, Roscoe Bartlett, Joe
Barton, Charles Bass, Herbert Bateman, Doug Bereuter, Brian Bilbray, Michael Bil
irakis, Tom Bliley, Roy Blunt, Sherwood Boehlert, John Boehner, Henry Bonilla, M
ary Bono, Kevin Brady, Ed Bryant, Jim Bunning, Richard Burr, Dan Burton, Stephen
Buyer, Sonny Callahan, Ken Calvert, Dave Camp, Tom Campbell, Charles Canady, Ch
ristopher Cannon, Michael Castle, Steve Chabot, Saxby Chambliss, Helen Chenoweth
, Jon Christensen, Howard Coble, Tom Coburn, Michael Collins, Larry Combest, Mer
rill Cook, John Cooksey, Christopher Cox, Philip Crane, Michael Crapo, Barbarra
Cubin, Randy Cunningham, Thomas Davis III, Nathan Deal, Tom DeLay, Lincoln Diaz-
Balart, Jay Dickey, John Doolittle, David Dreier, John Duncan, Jr., Jennifer Dun
n, Vernon Ehlers, Robert Ehrlich, Jr., Jo Ann Emerson, Phil English, John Ensign
, Terry Everett, Thomas Ewing, Harris Fawell, Mark 156
Foley, Michael Forbes, Vito Fossella, Jr., Tillie Fowler, Jon Fox, Bob Franks, R
odney Frelinghuysen, Elton Gallegly, Greg Ganske, George Gekas, Jim Gibbons, Way
ne Gilchrest, Paul Gillmor, Benjamin Gilman, Newt Gingrich, Virgil Goode, Jr., R
obert Goodlatte, William Goodling, Porter Goss, Lindsey Graham, Kay Granger, Jam
es Greenwood, Gil Gutknecht, Ralph Hall, James Hansen, Dennis Hastert, Doc Hasti
ngs, J. D. Hayworth, Jr., Joel Hefley, Wally Herger, Rick Hill, Van Hilleary, Da
vid Hobson, Peter Hoekstra, Stephen Horn, John Hostettler, Kenny Hulshof, Duncan
Hunter, Asa Hutchinson, Henry Hyde, Bob Inglis, Ernest Istook, Jr., William Jen
kins, Nancy Johnson, Sam Johnson, Walter Jones, John Kasich, Sue Kelly, Jay Kim,
Jack Kingston, Scott Klug, Joe Knollenberg, Jim Kolbe, Ray LaHood, Steve Largen
t, Tom Latham, Steven LaTourette, Rick Lazio, James Leach, Jerry Lewis, Ron Lewi
s, John Linder, Bob Livingston, Frank LoBiondo, Frank Lucas, Donald Manzullo, Bi
ll McCollum, Jim McCrery, Joseph McDade, Paul McHale, John McHugh, Scott McInnis
, David McIntosh, Howard McKeon, Jack Metcalf, John Mica, Dan Miller, Jerry Mora
n, Sue Myrick, George Nethercutt, Jr., Mark Neumann, Robert Ney, Anne Meagher No
rthup, Charlie Norwood, Jim Nussle, Michael Oxley, Ron Packard, Mike Pappas, Mik
e Parker, Ron Paul, Bill Paxon, Edward Pease, John Peterson, Thomas Petri, Charl
es Pickering, Jr., Joseph Pitts, Richard Pombo, John Porter, Rob Portman, Debora
h Pryce, Jack Quinn, George Radanovich, Jim Ramstad, Bill Redmond, Ralph Regula,
Frank Riggs, Bob Riley, James Rogan, Harold Rogers, Dana Rohrabacher, Ileana Ro
s-Lehtinen, Marge Roukema, Edward Royce, Jim Ryun, Matt Salmon, Marshall Sanford
, Jim Saxton, Joe Scarborough, Dan Schaefer, Bob Schaffer, James Sensenbrenner,
Jr., Pete Sessions, John Shadegg, E. Clay Shaw, Jr., John Shimkus, Bud Shuster,
Joe Skeen, Christopher Smith, Lamar Smith, Linda Smith, Nick Smith, Robert Smith
, Vince Snowbarger, Gerald Solomon, Mark Souder, Floyd Spence, Clifford Stearns,
Charles Stenholm, Bob Stump, John Sununu, James Talent, W. J. Tauzin, Charles T
aylor, Gene Taylor, William Thomas, William Thornberry, John Thune, Todd Tiahrt,
Fred Upton, James Walsh, Zach Wamp, Wes Watkins, J. C. Watts, Jr., Curt Weldon,
Dave Weldon, Gerald Weller, Rick White, Edward Whitfield, Roger Wicker, Heather
Wilson, Frank Wolf, C. W. Bill Young, and Don Young voted to impeach the Presid
ent of the United States, William Jefferson Clinton, on December 19, 1998. In th
e United States, the House of Representatives votes for the impeachment of feder
al officials while the Senate is responsible for trying them. 157
Inflation: In economics, too many dollars chasing too few goods, leading to pric
e increases. In astrophysics, an exponential expansion of the Universe that occu
rred between about 10-37 and 10-32 seconds after the Big Bang.
Integer-spin: Are you sure you want to know?
Integral Yoga: Founded in 1904, Integral Yoga teaches that people can obtain sel
f-knowledge through regulated breathing, meditation, and/or self surrender. Ioni
zation: The process of stripping electrons from atoms. Ionized atoms have lost o
ne or more of their electrons, making them positively charged and therefore subj
ect to electric and magnetic fields. If you want to be picky about it, adding ex
tra electrons to neutral atoms is also considered ionization.
Ireland: A country in Western Europe.
Islam: Founded in 622 A.D. by Muhammad, Islam is the principal religion of much
of the Middle East and Asia. It teaches that one should submit to the will of Go
d and constantly praise and glorify him.
Italy: A country in Southern Europe.
Jainism: Founded by Mahavir Jain in the 6th Century B.C., Jainism is an offshoot
of Hinduism and teaches that the cycle of reincarnation and rebirth can be esca
ped through monastic retreat, charity, and good works towards all life, especial
ly humans and animals. Jainism teaches that the Universe had no beginning, that
it will have no end, and that it operates in accordance with natural law.
Jehovah s Witnesses: Founded by Charles Taze Russel in 1869 as a sect of the Adv
entists, their beliefs include that God s name is Jehovah, that salvation is acq
uired by good works, that only 144,000 people will enter Heaven, that those who
do not make it into Heaven will disappear as if they had never existed, that Sat
an and his evil angels were kicked out of heaven to rule the Earth in 1914, and
that Jesus will return soon. In 1997, 5,599,931 Jehovah s Witnesses in 232
158
countries spent a total of 1,179,735,841 hours preaching. On average, each Jehov
ah s Witness spent 34.60693 minutes preaching each day.
Johnson, Samuel: An English writer who published a 40,000-entry Dictionary of th
e English Language in 1755, he should not be confused with the American clergyma
n who was the first President of King s College (which later became Columbia Uni
versity).
Johnson, Samuel: An American clergyman who was the first President of King s Col
lege (which later became Columbia University), he should not be confused with th
e English writer who published a 40,000-entry Dictionary of the English Language
in 1755.
Judaism: The religious beliefs and practices of the Jews. You want to know more?
What am I, a rabbi? Jews are seldom more than one of the following: Extremely O
rthodox, Orthodox, Very Conservative, Conservative, Somewhat Conservative, Refor
m, or Extremely Reform.
Jupiter: The fifth planet from the Sun and the largest of the planets in the Sol
ar System. Jupiter is 320 times the mass of the Earth and is 90,000 miles in dia
meter. It has more than sixty moons larger than a mile in diameter and four moon
s larger than 2000 miles in diameter. The Jovian atmosphere is very thick and is
composed almost entirely of hydrogen and helium.
Jutes: A Germanic tribe from Jutland, some of whom settled in England in the 5th
century A.D.
Kangaroo: A herbivorous marsupial with powerful legs and a long tail.
Kaplan, Jonathan: Professor of Philosophy at Oregon State University and good fr
iend from way back in the days of the first Reagan Administration. Professor Kap
lan deserves thanks for critically reading a final version of the manuscript and
pointing out a number of inconsistencies. Any remaining errors are, of course,
entirely his fault.
159
Kennedy, John Fitzgerald: A Pulitzer Prize-Winning biographer, he was President
of the United States from 1961 until his death in 1963. There are many theories
about his death, one of the most concise being that a tiger got him. He should n
ot be confused with J. Danforth Quayle, the Vice President of the United States
between 1989 and 1993.
Khrushchev, Nikita: Russian shepherd and locksmith, he was also Premier of the S
oviet Union between 1958 and 1964.
Kibology: When asked “How does kibology compare?”, James “Kibo” Perry responded,
“Kibology is better.” It is said that while some followers of kibology wear pan
ts, others do not.
Kingdom: In the Linnean classification scheme used in biology, humans are of the
animal kingdom, the chordata phylum, the vertebrata subphylum, the mammalia cla
ss, the eutheria subclass, the primate order, the anthropoidea suborder, the hom
inidae family, the homo genus, and the sapiens species.
Kishar: In Sumerian cosmology she mated with her brother Anshar to create the gr
eat gods, including Enki.
Kissinger, Henry Alfred: Secretary of State of the United States of America betw
een 1973 and 1977, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973.
Klaproth, Martin: He discovered uranium and zirconium in 1789.
Konoye, Fumimaro: Premier of Japan twice (1937-1939 and 1940-1941), his aim of a
“new order in East Asia” didn t come about quite like he imagined.
Lakhamu: In Sumerian cosmology, a primeval serpent who, with Lakhmu, brought for
th Anshar and Kishar.
Lakhmu: In Sumerian cosmology, a primeval serpent who, with Lakhamu, brought for
th Kishar and Anshar.
160
Lead: Lead nuclei have 82 protons and usually 125 neutrons. On Earth, lead is a
soft gray metal that should not be consumed by humans. Lead consumption can lead
to frequent headaches, difficulty concentrating, lethargy, and a host of other
maladies. If a friend asks you to eat lead, just say no!
Lederer, Sloane: Trade sales and marketing director at W. H. Freeman and Company
Publishers in 1998 and enjoyable person to work with.
Lieutenant: A relatively low-ranking officer. See the entry on military commissi
oned officer ranks.
Light-year: The distance that light travels in a year, about 6 trillion miles.
Limestone: Stone that consists mainly of calcium carbonate, CaCO3.
Linear growth: If you deposit $100 a month in a savings account that pays no int
erest, and you never withdraw any money, then your savings account is growing li
nearly. After the first month you have $100, after the second $200, after the th
ird $300, and so on.
Liquid: A state of matter in which the volume is constant although the shape can
change. Hair care products are sometimes liquid.
Lithium: The next heaviest element after hydrogen and helium. Lithium nuclei hav
e three protons and usually four neutrons. On Earth, lithium is a soft silver me
tal used in batteries, ceramics, and lubricants. Lithium carbonate can help abou
t 70 percent of people suffering from manic-depression.
Lloyd George, David: Prime Minister of England between 1916 and 1922, he should
not be confused with David Lloyd, the Chief Justice of Pennsylvania between 1717
and 1731.
Loom: One of those machines that weaves thread into fabric.
Luddites: A group of workers who destroyed looms in England between 1811
and 1816. Under the “leadership” of the probably mythical General Ned Ludd, 161
the Luddites demanded better wages and working conditions and destroyed the loom
s in factories that failed to comply. On April 20, 1812, a large group of Luddit
es were prevented from destroying a particular factory and so burned the owner s
house down instead, precipitating a government crackdown on Luddite activity. C
ontemporary Luddites shun technology, as you used to be able to see from their W
orld Wide Web site at http://www.luddites.com/.
Lungs: Respiratory organs that can extract oxygen from air. Lungs probably devel
oped about 420 million years ago in fishes and were used to breathe air at the s
urface of the water. This enabled the fish with lungs to swim faster and longer
than the fish without lungs. Lungs later became extremely useful to the animals
that left the ocean to live on land, where gills tend not to work very well.
Lutheranism: In 1517, Martin Luther felt compelled to protest the Catholic Churc
h s granting of indulgences (pardons for pay). He nailed his 95 theses to the ch
urch door in Wittenberg and started down the path that would lead to the Protest
ant Reformation and eventually to Garrison Keillor. This is his religion, althou
gh he would have preferred it to have had a different name (Luther, not Keillor)
.
Luxembourg: The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg is located in Western Europe between B
elgium, France, and Germany. A land of gently rolling hills, Luxembourg enjoys a
stable economy with a 4 percent growth rate, a 2 percent inflation rate, and a
3 percent unemployment rate. It exports steel products, chemicals, rubber produc
ts, glass, and aluminum, while importing minerals, metals, food, and consumer go
ods. The government is a constitutional monarchy whose head of state is a heredi
tary Grand Duke. Every five years all 60
members of the legislative Chamber of Deputies are elected by direct popular vot
e. Judges on the Superior Court of Justice are appointed for life by the Grand D
uke. The dominant languages in Luxembourg are Luxembourgish, German, French, and
English. Roman Catholicism is the prevailing religion. Luxembourg was made a du
chy in 1354 by Holy Roman Emperor Charles IV. During the next 450 years, the duc
hy was claimed at one time or another by France, the Netherlands, Austria, and S
pain. In 1815 is was made a grand duchy, and during the next fifty years it was
claimed by the Netherlands, Germany, Belgium, and 162
France. In 1867 it was declared a neutral territory. Germany occupied the grand
duchy between 1914 and 1918 and between 1940 and 1944. A constitutional revision
in 1948 revoked the perpetual neutrality of the grand duchy. Luxembourg is a me
mber of the European Union and is closely connected economically to the Netherla
nds and especially to Belgium. The Luxembourg franc is fixed to the Belgian fran
c and Belgian francs circulate freely in Luxembourg.
Macumba: Based on the spirit worship of Africans shipped to Brazil in the 1550s
as slaves, Macumba teaches that humans have both a physical and a spiritual body
, that the physical world is always being contacted by spirits, and that humans
can learn to contact spirits for the purposes of healing and spiritual evolution
.
Magnetic field: Caused by the electromagnetic force, these fields affect moving
charged particles and are responsible for magnetism and indirectly for ATM
cards.
Magnetic monopoles: All magnets have so-called “north” and “south” ends. Magneti
c monopoles are theoretical particles that would be only “north” or only
“south.” Many have searched for a monopole-derived Nobel Prize, but none have be
en successful so far.
Magnetism: What am I, a dictionary?
Manichaeism: Founded by the Persian sage Mani in the 3rd century A.D., this reli
gion teaches that the human body is evil and that the soul can only be redeemed
by conquering its carnal desires.
Marduk: The ruler of the Sumerian gods, he defeated Tiamat in battle and cut her
in half to form the heavens and the earth. Afterwards he created people out of
clay and produced seeds so that they could grow food.
Marquis: A nobleman of high rank. One ranking system goes king, duke, marquis, c
ount, and baron in decreasing order of royalness.
163
Marquise: A noblewoman of high rank. One ranking system goes queen, duchess, mar
quise, countess, and baroness in decreasing order of royalness.
Mars: The fourth planet from the Sun, its mass is 10 percent of the Earth s, and
it is 4000 miles in diameter. Mars has a thin atmosphere of carbon dioxide, two
small moons, and a tendency to attack the Earth in science fiction stories.
Martinism: Founded by Louis-Claude de Saint-Martin, Martinism teaches that one s
hould not work for personal interest and that the sexes are equal in the ability
to develop divine gifts.
McCormick, Cyrus Hall: This Virginia native invented the mechanical reaper at th
e age of 22 and, in so doing, set the world on the path to modern agriculture.
Mechanical reaper: A machine that allowed the harvesting of crops as soon as the
y were ripe, it solved one of the most important farming problems. Until the mec
hanical reaper, crop losses were large because harvesting took too long and was
too inefficient.
Mennonites: Founded in 1526 as a sect of the Anabaptist faith, Mennonite churche
s exist as associations of people who are mature enough to make freewill decisio
ns to join the church. People who seem to deviate from the teachings of the chur
ch are banned from the congregation and shunned.
Mercury: The closest planet to the Sun, its mass is 6 percent of the Earth s and
it is 3000 miles in diameter. Mercury has a very thin atmosphere of sodium gas.
Mercury is also the name of a chemical element used in many thermometers, some
batteries, but few reputable hair care products.
Methane: A molecule composed of one atom of carbon and four atoms of hydrogen (C
H4). On Earth, a colorless, odorless, flammable gas that can be obtained from ma
rshes, natural gas, and cattle (do I have to spell it out?). It is a greenhouse
gas.
164
Methodism: A Protestant Christian movement started by John Wesley in 1729. Conve
rsion is central to Methodism, as is repentance, faith, sanctification, and the
privilege of salvation for everyone.
Michel, John: Senior Editor at W. H. Freeman and Company Publishers in 1998 and
source of good ideas and helpful advice.
Microscopic organisms: Organisms that one needs a microscope to see. These organ
isms are very small compared to the size of a wombat, for example.
Microsporidian: A protozoan organism that forms spores for reproduction or for p
rotection when the environment turns hostile.
Military commissioned officer ranks: In the U.S. Army, Air Force, and Marine Cor
ps, the commissioned officer ranks go as follows: second lieutenant, first lieut
enant, captain, major, lieutenant colonel, colonel, brigadier general, major gen
eral, lieutenant general, and general. Note that a major outranks a lieutenant,
but that a lieutenant general outranks a major general. In the U. S. Navy, the c
ommissioned officer ranks go as follows: ensign, lieutenant (junior grade), lieu
tenant, lieutenant commander, commander, captain, rear admiral, vice admiral, an
d admiral. Note that in the U. S. Navy a captain is a relatively high-ranking of
ficer, while in the other U. S. military services, a captain is a relatively low
ranking officer. In the German Infantry and Air Force, the commissioned officer
ranks go as follows: leutnant, oberleutnant, hauptmann, stabshauptmann, major,
oberstleutnant, obserst, brigadegeneral, generalmajor, generalleutnant, and gene
ral. In the German Navy, the commissioned officer ranks go as follows: leutnant
zur see, oberleutnant zur see, kapitänleutnant, stabskapitänleutnant, korvettenk
apitän, fregattenkapitän, kapitän zur see, flottillenadmiral, konteradmiral, viz
eadmiral, and admiral. In the British Royal Air Force, the officer ranks go as f
ollows: pilot officer, flying officer, flying lieutenant, squadron leader, wing
commander, group captain, air commodore, air vice-marshal, air marshal, and air
chief marshal. Of course, there are also enlisted ranks, non-commissioned office
r ranks, other countries, and other services, some of which have not existed for
thousands of years, and some of which are not scheduled to exist until hundreds
of years from now, but this is 165
supposed to be a concise glossary entry so they must of necessity be omitted her
e.
Mithraism: One of the dominant religions of the Roman Empire, Mithraism was cent
ered on the struggle between the forces of good and evil. Mithraic ceremonies in
cluded fasting and secret rituals including baptism.
Mole: 6.0221367 x 1023 of something. Also, a small burrowing mammal with tiny ey
es.
Molecule: A collection of atoms held together by electromagnetic forces.
Mole of Moles: 6.0221367 x 1023 small burrowing mammals with tiny eyes.
Mollusks: A diverse phylum of invertebrate animals that includes snails, squids,
clams, and a large number of other organisms. Note that it does not include the
brachiopods, which really are quite different from clams. For one thing, the tw
o shell valves are often unequal in size, whereas the two shell valves in most c
lams are the same size. See, I told you I d get back to you on this.
Molybdenum: Molybdenum nuclei have 42 protons and usually 54 neutrons. On Earth
it is a white metal often used in alloys that need to stand up to high temperatu
res (jet engine turbines, for example).
Momentum: A quantity equal to the mass of the body multiplied by its velocity. A
one-ton truck traveling at 60 mph has more momentum than a 5-ton truck travelin
g at 5 mph, but you wouldn t want either of them (or anything else, for that mat
ter) to run into your Miata.
Monica: In Roman Catholicism, the patron saint of married women.
Moon: An object that orbits around a planet and is larger than about ten miles i
n diameter. Mercury and Venus have no moons, Earth and Pluto have one each, Mars
has two, and Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune have dozens.
166
Mormonism: Founded in 1830 by Joseph Smith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
-Day Saints teaches that people live as spirit beings with God before being born
, that life on Earth serves as a test to determine whether people are worthy to
return to God, and that the spiritual body is judged after death and if worthy i
s placed into one of three Heavens, depending on worthiness. Mormons perform bap
tisms for the dead and participate in the Church s extensive missionary program.
Mouse: A small shrew-like animal with a thin tail.
Multicellular organism: An organism composed of a number of different kinds of c
ells. My guess is that you are a multicellular organism.
Mysticism: A broad spectrum of beliefs that center on putting oneself into a dir
ect relationship with God, Nature, or a unifying principle of life through perso
nal religious experience. Many religions have mystical components.
Natural selection: The process of evolution by which organisms that are wellsuit
ed to their environment tend to live and reproduce themselves while those that a
re poorly-suited tend to die off before reproducing.
Neo-Paganism: Founded in 1951 by Gerald B. Gardner, Neo-Paganism or Wicca worshi
ps the sacredness of nature, teaches that one must have balance in life, and dra
ws much of its inspiration from ancient European religions. There are few strict
rules; people are allowed to do what they will so long as no harm befalls other
s or themselves. Neo-Paganism now includes many other belief systems besides Wic
ca.
Neoplatonism: Founded by the Roman philosopher Plotinus, this set of philosophic
al and religious beliefs teaches that pure intelligence emanates from a perfect
unknowable One that gives each soul a choice between a sensual and corrupt exist
ence or self-denial that will eventually lead to an all-pervading ecstasy. Neopl
atonists recommend the latter.
Neptune: Usually the eighth planet from the Sun (sometimes Pluto is closer), it
has 17 times the mass of the Earth, and it is 30,000 miles in diameter. Neptune
167
has a thick atmosphere composed mostly of hydrogen and helium. It has more than
ten moons larger than 20 miles in diameter. Neptune does not appear to be intrin
sically amusing.
Netherlands, The: A country in Western Europe. See the entry on Holland.
Neutrino: A chargeless but probably not massless particle required by many parti
cle interactions that use the weak nuclear force. Hair-care products almost alwa
ys contain neutrinos, but these neutrinos are replaced with new ones every 100 b
illionth of a second on average. This may be one reason why hair-care products a
re so expensive these days.
Neutrons: These particles have no charge and are found in the nucleus of atoms a
nd in almost every hair-care product on the market today.
Neutron star: Composed almost entirely of neutrons, these objects are more massi
ve than the sun and are about 20 miles across. Stars more massive than about eig
ht times the mass of the sun will probably end their lives as neutron stars, or
perhaps black holes.
Newsgroup: A series of messages devoted to a particular topic that is transmitte
d over Usenet, a distributed network of tens of thousands of computers acting as
news servers. There are tens of thousands of newsgroups.
Ninki: In Sumerian cosmology she was married to the god Enki; Marduk was their s
on.
Nitrogen: Nitrogen nuclei have 7 protons and usually 7 neutrons. On Earth, a col
orless, odorless gas. Nitrogen atoms are an important component of proteins, nuc
leic acids, and gunpowder. And hair-care products.
Nixon, Richard Milhous: Even though the FBI turned him down for a job after he g
raduated from law school, he went on to become President of the United States (1
969-1974).
168
Nobel Prize: These prizes honor people whose achievements have conferred great b
enefit on humanity in the fields of physics, chemistry, physiology or medicine,
literature, peace, and economics. They are even more highly sought after than Ig
® Nobel Prizes.
Noetzli, Regula: Affiliate of the Charlotte Sheedy Literary Agency, Inc., and ex
pert negotiator.
North America: A continent in the northern hemisphere of the planet Earth.
Nucleic acid: Nucleic acids like DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) and RNA (ribonuclei
c acid) hold genetic information, facilitate protein synthesis in cells, and usu
ally manage to increase profit margins for hair care products.
Occultism: The belief that hidden knowledge about mysterious forces that rule th
e universe can be tapped through supernatural means. Some believe that occult fo
rces can cause 18½-minute gaps in taped conversations.
Oneida: The Oneida Community was founded in 1848 by John Humphrey Noyes in a sch
ism from Methodism and Adventism; it taught that right conduct must be based on
love of God and encouraged group marriage and a scientific breeding program.
Organelle: A subcellular entity with specific duties. For example, mitochondria
are organelles that perform respiration, while chloroplasts are organelles that
perform photosynthesis.
Organic molecules: A class of chemical compounds that contain carbon and are ess
ential to life as we know it, as well as to many hair-care products.
Oxygen: Oxygen nuclei have 8 protons and usually 8 neutrons. On Earth, a colorle
ss, odorless gas that is produced by photosynthesis and is required for aerobic
respiration, combustion, and the vast majority of hair care products.
Ozone: A molecule composed of three atoms of oxygen. On Earth, a colorless gas w
ith a peculiar burnt odor that blocks ultraviolet radiation. 169
Padua: Also known as Padova, it is a city in Northern Italy.
Paganism: A broad spectrum of belief systems that include reverence for the Eart
h and all its creatures and generally see all life as interconnected.
Pantheism: A belief system that says that the Universe is God and that God is th
e Universe.
Pennsylvania: A state in the Eastern United States.
Pentecostalism: Founded in 1901, this is the fastest growing segment of Christia
nity in the world. The primary characteristics of Pentecostalism that differenti
ate it from other Christian denominations are speaking in tongues, prophesying,
healings, and exorcism.
Perfidy: A violation of trust, such as using a competitor s hair-care products.
Phonograph record: These items used to be very popular for storing music. Think
of them as large black compact disks where the music is read by a needle that mo
ves in a groove.
Photons: Individual “particles” of light, photons have properties of both waves
and particles. See the entry on quantum mechanics.
Photosynthesis: The process by which plants convert light, water, and carbon dio
xide into carbohydrates and oxygen. In plants, this occurs in organelles called
chloroplasts.
Pittsburgh: A city in Western Pennsylvania.
Planet: A large body that orbits a star and does not produce energy by fusion re
actions. In our solar system, planets range from 0.3 percent of the Earth s mass
(Pluto) to 320 times the mass of the Earth (Jupiter). More than 100 planets aro
und other stars have been discovered to date.
170
Platypus: A small egg-laying mammal with webbed feet and a duck-like bill.
Pluto: Usually the ninth planet from the Sun (sometimes Neptune is farther), its
mass is 0.3 percent of the Earth s, and it is 1400 miles in diameter. Pluto has
a thin atmosphere of nitrogen and a large moon.
Plutonium: Plutonium nuclei have 94 protons and usually between 144 (Pu238) and
150 (Pu-244) neutrons. On Earth it is a radioactive metallic element used in ato
mic weapons and nuclear power plants. Do not buy hair care products that adverti
se a high plutonium content.
Polemics: The use of aggressive arguments in debates on controversial issues, su
ch as which hair-care products are better than others.
Polonium: Polonium nuclei have 84 protons and usually 126 neutrons. On Earth it
is a radioactive metallic element that is sometimes used with beryllium as a neu
tron source in atomic weapons.
Polytheism: Any belief system that includes a plurality of gods, especially when
each has a special function. Polytheistic religions include those of ancient Eg
ypt, Greece, Rome, India, and many others.
Possum: A marsupial that usually lives in trees.
Prairie dog: A small burrowing rodent.
Presbyterianism: An organization of Christian Churches that are governed by a hi
erarchy of courts rather than by bishops or by the individual congregations them
selves.
Protein: The building blocks of life, proteins act as enzymes to catalyze reacti
ons, as regulatory hormones, as intracellular membranes, as antibodies, and serv
e a variety of other purposes (for example, the protein hemoglobin carries oxyge
n in your blood). Proteins are made up of amino acids and are often found in hai
r-care products.
171
Proterozoic: The geologic era between 2.5 billion and 544 million years ago.
Protists: A kingdom of eukaryotic organisms with neither a complex development f
rom embryos nor extensive cell differentiation.
Protons: These are positively charged particles that are found in the nucleus of
atoms and in almost all hair-care products.
Protoplasm: The semi-liquid complex of proteins, water, and organic and inorgani
c compounds that makes up the insides of living cells.
Protozoa: A phylum of eukaryotic organisms that contains both unicellular and co
lonial species.
Quakers: The Society of Friends was founded in 1650; they believe that no one is
holier than anyone else, they do not observe baptism, they perform marriage cer
emonies for both opposite-sex and same-sex marriages, and they forbid members to
join the military or make oaths.
Quantum mechanics: Among other things, quantum mechanics says that you can never
know exactly where a particle is or how fast it is going, that you can t put tw
o identical particles too close together, and that almost everything has some pr
obability of happening. Quantum mechanics often seems to have a lot to do with d
ead cats, or half-dead cats, or potentially dead cats, or something like that.
Quayle, James Danforth: Vice President of the United States between 1989
and 1993, he should not be confused with John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the President
of the United States between 1961 and 1963.
Radon: Radon nuclei have 86 protons and usually 136 neutrons. Radon is a radioac
tive gas with a half-life of 92 hours. It is sometimes found in the basements of
homes but very rarely on the surfaces of stars.
Ramsay, William: With Baron Rayleigh, he discovered argon in 1894. With Nilo Lan
get and P. T. Cleve, he discovered helium in 1895. With M. W. 172
Travers, he discovered neon, krypton, and xenon in 1898. He had a busy five year
s. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Chemistry in 1904. He should not be confuse
d with the William Ramsay who was Lord Mayor of Alexandria, Virginia.
Ramsay, William: One of the founders of Alexandria, Virginia, he was Lord Mayor
of that city in 1761. He should not be confused with the William Ramsay who co-d
iscovered argon, helium, neon, krypton, and xenon.
Rastafarianism: Founded in the 1930 s, Rastafarians believe that His Imperial Ma
jesty Haile Selassie I is the living God for the black race, that Ethiopia is He
aven on Earth, that there is no afterlife, and that blacks are held down through
poverty, illiteracy, and inequality.
Reagan, Ronald Wilson: A successful American actor, his movie roles included Geo
rge Armstrong Custer in Santa Fe Trail (1940), George Gipp in Knute Rockne, All
American (1940), and Professor Peter Boyd in Bedtime for Bonzo (1951). He was Pr
esident of the United States between 1981 and 1989. Not to be confused with his
son, Ron Reagan, who played Frank in Soul Man (1986) and also appeared in the 19
93 TV show The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murde
ring Mom. Many things have been named after him, including an airport (DCA in Ar
lington, Virginia), an aircraft carrier (CVN-77), and a ballistic missile defens
e test site (Kwajalein Atoll, Marshall Islands).
Rear admiral: A relatively high-ranking naval officer. See the entry on military
commissioned officer ranks.
Rec.Humor.Funny: An Internet newsgroup that distributes a few works of humor per
week to about half a million readers around the world.
Recursion: See the chapter on inscription.
Respiration: The process by which animals and plants convert carbohydrates and o
xygen to energy, water, and carbon dioxide. This occurs in organelles called mit
ochondria.
173
Ribonucleic acid (RNA): The nucleic acid that facilitates protein synthesis for
organisms on the Earth. The fundamental building blocks of RNA are a phosphate (
PO4), a sugar (ribose), and a nucleic acid base (either adenine, uracil, guanine
, or cytosine). Some hair care products have RNA in them.
Rodents: An order of mammals that feed by gnawing or nibbling.
Rodinia: A supercontinent that included almost all of the landmasses of the worl
d between 2.5 billion and about 500 million years ago.
Roebuck, Alvah: A watchmaker from Indiana who co-founded Sears, Roebuck and Comp
any in 1893 with Richard Sears.
Rome: Known as “The City of Seven Hills,” Rome was founded in 1834 where the Eto
wah and Oostanaula rivers meet. A bustling city of more than 30,000
people, Rome is the regional center for a six-county area that has a population
of about a quarter of a million people. Rome is near the center of the triangle
formed by Atlanta (Georgia), Birmingham (Alabama), and Chattanooga (Tennessee).
Roosevelt, Franklin Delano: President of the United States from 1933 until his d
eath in 1945, he should not be confused with Theodore Roosevelt, who was Preside
nt of the United States from 1901 until 1909. FDR was elected President of the U
nited States in 1932, re-elected in 1936, and re-elected in 1940 after saying “Y
our boys are not going to be sent into any foreign wars.” Eleven months after hi
s inauguration he asked Congress to declare war on Japan. He was re-elected to a
fourth term as president in 1944.
Roosevelt, Theodore: President of the United States from 1901 until 1909, he sho
uld not be confused with Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was President of the Uni
ted States from 1933 until 1945. I should also mention the Bull Moose Party and
the staggeringly important election of 1912, but I won t.
174
Rosicrucian Order: The Ancient Mystical Order Rosae Crucis was founded in 1915 b
y H. Spencer Lewis. Members study ancient and modern knowledge of science, mysti
cism, philosophy, and metaphysics.
Rutherford, Daniel: He discovered nitrogen in 1772.
Sagan, Carl: Astronomer, planetary scientist, author, winner of the Pulitzer Pri
ze, and science popularizer extraordinaire. He died on December 20, 1996, at the
age of 62.
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines: This band had a hit in 1963 with their renditi
on of “Unchained Melody.” No, wait, that was Vito and the Salutations. Actually,
the country of Saint Vincent and the Grenadines is 130 square miles of small Ca
ribbean islands north of Trinidad and Tobago. Spain claimed the islands in the 1
5th and 16th century, Britain and France in the 17th and 18th century, they were
ceded to Britain in 1783, and they attained independence on October 27, 1979.
Salandra, Antonio: Premier of Italy between March of 1914 and June of 1916, he l
ed his country into World War I.
Santiera: Founded in the 1700s, Santiera is a blend of West African religions an
d European Catholicism. Santierans believe in spirits (orishas) that are the emi
ssaries of God, possess distinct personalities, and can be summoned through cert
ain music, colors, and animals.
Satanism: Founded in 1966 by Anton Szandor LaVay, the Church of Satan teaches th
at people should devote their lives to fulfilling their desires and to helping o
thers do the same.
Saturn: The sixth planet from the Sun, Saturn has 95 times the mass of the Earth
and is 75,000 miles in diameter. It has more than thirty moons larger than four
miles in diameter and one moon larger than 3000 miles in diameter. Saturn s atm
osphere is very thick and is composed almost entirely of hydrogen and helium. It
has an extensive and beautiful system of rings.
175
Savannah: A grassy plain with few trees. Also a seaport in Eastern Georgia. Also
a grassy plain with few trees in Eastern Georgia.
Sheele, Carl Wilhelm: He discovered oxygen in 1774 (independent of Joseph Priest
ly), chlorine in 1774, and molybdenum in 1778.
von Schlieffen, Count Alfred: Chief of the German General Staff from 1891
until 1906, he borrowed a few ideas from Hannibal to create the Schlieffen plan
for defeating France within six weeks. It didn t quite work out that way in Worl
d War I.
Scholasticism: A theological movement that proposed God as the source of both re
velation and reason, so any apparent contradiction between the two was due eithe
r to an incorrect interpretation of revelation or to faulty reasoning.
Schrödinger s Cat: Put a cat in a box. Put a vial of poison gas in the box, alon
g with one radioactive atom and a detector that will release the gas if the atom
decays. Close the box. If the radioactive element has a half-life of an hour, t
hen the laws of probability say that after sixty minutes the cat has a 50 percen
t chance of being alive and a 50 percent chance of being dead. Quantum mechanics
, on the other hand, says that after an hour the cat is 50 percent alive and 50
percent dead. Only once you look inside the box will the cat become either 100 p
ercent alive or 100 percent dead.
Schulman, Emily: Co-author of the Annals of Improbable Research article
“How to Write a Scientific Research Report” and all-around amazing person.
Schulman, Eric: Author of A Briefer History of Time, contributor to The Best of
Annals of Improbable Research, and member of the editorial board of the Annals o
f Improbable Research.
Schulman, Marvin: Teacher, legislative field agent, expert on history and politi
cs, and inspirational father. Hi, Dad!
Scientific notation: A system for writing very large or very small numbers compa
ctly. For example, 1030 is scientific notation for the number that can is 176
expressed as a 1 followed by 30 zeros in ordinary decimal notation: 100000000000
0000000000000000000. 3 x 10-35 is scientific notation for the number that can be
expressed as a decimal point followed by 34 zeros and a three: 0.00000000000000
000000000000000000003. See why scientific notation was invented?
Scientific Pantheism: Founded in 1995 by Paul Harrison, this belief system attem
pts to combine religion and science into a coherent whole.
Scientology: The Church of Scientology was founded in 1954 by science fiction au
thor L. Ron Hubbard.
Scots: A group of people from Ireland who settled in Scotland in about 500 A.D.
Sears, Richard: A Professor of Astronomy at the University of Michigan in Ann Ar
bor, he co-founded Sears, Roebuck and Company with Alvah Roebuck in 1893. Actual
ly, it’s possible that was a different Richard Sears.
Seicho-No-Ie: Founded in 1930 by Dr. Masaharu Taniguchi, this movement believes
that all religions emanate from one universal God, and that every person has all
the creative powers of God.
Serpent Handlers: Founded in about 1908, the Church of God with Signs Following
derives from the Pentecostal movement and believes that it is important to speak
with new tongues, take up serpents, and lay hands on the sick (based on the Bib
le, especially Mark 16:17-18).
Seventh Day Adventists: Officially organized in 1863, Seventh Day Adventists bel
ieve that the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will occur soon. They believe that t
he human body is a temple to God and so do not smoke, drink alcohol, or use drug
s.
Shakers: The United Society of Believers splintered off from a Quaker community
in 1772. Shakers emphasized celibacy and simplicity in their daily lives and bel
ieved that God is a duality of male and female rather than a trinity.
177
Shamanism: Any of a number of belief systems that include the idea that the worl
d is pervaded by spirits that affect the living and that these spirits can be co
ntacted by shamans. Shamanism is found in Native American, African, Inuit, and S
iberian religions.
Shinto: The ancient native religion of Japan, in which a large number of general
ly beneficent supernatural beings or kami oversee the world.
Shirdi Sai Baba: Founded in 1940 by Sathya Sai Baba, this sect of Hinduism belie
ves that there is one God who is called different names by different religions;
only unreligious people are wrong. Sai Baba followers strive to achieve enlighte
nment by having pious faith and directing all thoughts, feelings, and actions to
wards God.
Shrew: A small mouse-like animal with a long snout.
Silicon: Silicon nuclei have 14 protons and usually 14 neutrons. On Earth, a met
allic element used in semiconductors and glass. There s probably some silicon in
your favorite hair care product.
Simpson, Orenthal James: OJ Simpson was born in 1947 and has worked as a footbal
l player, a TV and movie actor, and a TV producer at different stages in his car
eer.
Singer, Isaac Bashevis: A Polish-born American writer who was awarded the Nobel
Prize for literature in 1978, he should not be confused with the Isaac Singer wh
o patented the sewing machine in 1851
Singer, Isaac Merrit: An American inventor who patented the sewing machine in 18
51. He lost a patent infringement suit brought by Elias Howe but in spite of thi
s his company went on to become rather successful. He should not be confused wit
h the Isaac Singer who was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature in 1978.
178
Sikhism: Founded in about 1500 A.D., Sikhism combines Hindu and Moslem ideas. Si
khs believe in monotheism, that all religions are one, and that God can be reali
zed through meditation and religious exercises.
Skepticism: The belief that one can never know what to believe.
Sneutrino: A hypothetical particle that is the integer-spin version of the neutr
ino. Don t ask.
Solar mass: The mass of Earth s sun, which is equivalent to 4000 billion billion
billion pounds. That s a big number, but perhaps we can make it more manageable
by converting from pounds to elephant masses. An elephant can weigh 16,000 poun
ds, so it would take only 250 million billion billion elephants to have the same
mass as the Sun.
Solar system: A system of planets orbiting around one or more stars. We are in a
solar system composed of the Sun, nine planets including the Earth, and thousan
ds of smaller objects such as moons, asteroids, and comets.
Solid: A state of matter in which the volume and the shape tend to be constant.
Spain: A country in Southwestern Europe.
Spinning jenny: The first mechanical spinner, it allowed carded cotton to be spu
n into thread automatically, multiplying the productivity of workers by a factor
of eight.
Spiritism: Founded in the 1850 s by Allan Kardec (the nom de plume of H. Leon De
nizard Rivail), spiritists believe that mediums can communicate with spirits tha
t will answer philosophical and scientific questions.
Spiritualism: Founded by Emanuel Swedenborg in 1744, this movement believes that
the spirit world overlaps with the material world and that the spirits of the d
ead can communicate with the living. Other beliefs include the infinite nature o
f God, that service to others improves one s spirit, that the soul exists for et
ernity, and that people are responsible for their own thoughts and actions. 179
Sponges: Sponges were among the first animals to develop. They feed by filtering
water that is drawn through their pores and expelled out larger openings. Spong
es are handy to have in the kitchen.
Squirrel: A bushy-tailed rodent that lives in trees and gathers nuts.
Sri Chinmoy: Founded in 1964 by Chinmoy Kumar Ghose (now known as Sri Chinmoy) a
s an offshoot from Hinduism, this movement tries to attain personal harmony, int
ernational harmony, and world peace through meditation, living and working in th
e world, vegetarianism, and celibacy.
Stalin, Joseph Vissarionovich: Born Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, he was a
divinity student (expelled for political activities in 1898), a bank robber (in
T bilisi in 1907), and a newspaper founder ( Pravda in 1911). He was also the Ge
neral Secretary of the Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic
s from 1922 until his death in 1953.
Star: A stable sphere of mostly hydrogen and helium gas supported against gravit
ational collapse by nuclear fusion in the core. At a distance of roughly 93
million miles, the Sun is the nearest star to the Earth.
Starch: A carbohydrate made up of many molecules of glucose. Starches are often
found in hair-care products.
Stereoisomer: A molecule that is composed of the same atoms as another molecule,
but arranged in a way that makes each molecule the mirror image of the other. A
lso, a device that allows you to listen to music while strengthening your muscle
s-or was that an isometrics stereo?
Stoicism: Founded in about 300 B.C. by Zeno, this belief system taught that each
human soul is part of a universal divine power, and that everyone should aspire
to be wise, courageous, and just, and should love and help one another regardle
ss of social class.
180
Strong nuclear force: One of the four fundamental forces of nature, this force h
olds the nucleus of atoms together and is very important for the stability of ha
ir-care products.
Subduction: The process by which oceanic crust is pushed under either oceanic or
continental crust, usually resulting in volcanic activity as the newly melted r
ock makes its way towards the surface.
Sufism: Developed in the late 10th century A.D. within Islam, this mystical move
ment emphasizes a personal union of the soul with God, often through ascetic pra
ctices.
Sugar: Sweet carbohydrates such as glucose (C6H12O6) or sucrose (C12H22O11) that
are sometimes found in hair-care products and often found in cookies.
Sulfuric acid: A molecule composed of one atom of sulfur, four atoms of oxygen,
and two atoms of hydrogen (H2SO4). On Earth, sulfuric acid is an oily, corrosive
liquid that is rarely found in reputable hair-care products.
Suma Ching Hai: Founded in 1982 by Hue Dang Trinh (now known as Suma Ching Hai),
this movement combines Christianity and Buddhism. Followers meditate for 2½ hou
rs per day and refrain from taking the life of sentient beings, speaking what is
not true, taking what is not offered, sexual misconduct, and using intoxicants.
Supercluster of galaxies: A group of dozens of clusters of galaxies that is held
together by gravitational attraction.
Swift, Jonathan: This Irish author is most famous for his 1726 work, Travels int
o Several Remote Nations of the World.
Symbiosis: Mutual cooperation between different organisms such that each benefit
from the relationship.
181
Synanon Church: Founded in 1958 by Charles E. Dederich, this movement seeks to m
anifest oneness by combining beliefs from Buddhism, Taoism, Emerson, and Aldous
Huxley.
Taoism: Founded by Lao-tze in the 6th century B.C., this philosophical religion
teaches that the ideal state of being is freedom from desire, which can only be
reached through mystical contemplation. People who are one with the Tao (the way
the universe functions) act through effortless action.
Tapir: A large, usually inoffensive, chiefly nocturnal hoofed mammal with a long
, flexible snout. Tapir are cool.
Tenrikyo: Founded in 1838 by Miki Nakayama (now known as Oyasama), this movement
believes that God created human beings in order that they would live joyous liv
es by helping and respecting others and by making them happy.
Tethys Sea: A tropical sea that existed hundreds of millions of years ago.
Tetrapod: A group of four-legged vertebrates including amphibians, dinosaurs, bi
rds, and mammals. Most of the readers of this book are probably tetrapods.
The: The definite article of the English language, which gives particulars for t
he noun it modifies. Or something like that.
Theosophy: Founded in 1875 by Helen Petrovna Blavatsky, this pantheistic movemen
t believes in “the unity of life, the law of cycles, and the progressive unfoldm
ent of consciousness in all kingdoms of nature.”
Tiamat: In Sumerian cosmology Tiamat was a dragon goddess who lived in the sea.
After one of the gods complained that the others were making too much noise, she
gave birth to a host of strange creatures (lion-demons, scorpion-men, sphinxes,
mad dogs, etc.) and sent them out to make the gods behave themselves. The gods
were a bit shaken by this army and promised Marduk that he could have supreme au
thority over everything if he would just take care of this little problem for th
em. Marduk agreed to the deal, slew Tiamat, and created the heavens and the eart
h out of her dead body.
182
Tocqueville, Alexis Charles Henri Maurice Clérel de: This French politician wrot
e an often-quoted book about America and went on to become the Vice President of
the French National Assembly in 1849.
Transcendentalism: First espoused by Plato in the 4th century B.C., this belief
system teaches that divinity permeates all objects and that although absolute go
odness exists, it is only knowable through intuition rather than through human e
xperience or reason.
Transcendental Meditation: Founded in 1956 by Mehesh Prasad Varma (now known as
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi), this Hindu movement teaches that people can reach an enl
ightened state through meditation, which will lead to increased intelligence, hi
gher levels of resistance to disease, and better job performance.
Trichomonad: A unicellular organism with multiple flagella.
Trigoencephalopodic gnocci: I made this one up.
Trilobites: Trilobites were an extremely successful subphylum of the arthropods
that were at the top of the food chain in Earth s marine ecosystems for about 25
0 million years.
Tsunami: A very big wave, also known as a tidal wave, which can be caused by ear
thquakes or asteroid impacts, although not by tides.
Tunneling: Quantum mechanics says that the position of a particle is uncertain,
and therefore that there is some possibility that a particle will be within an e
nergy barrier rather than outside of it. The process of moving from outside to i
nside without traversing the distance between is known as quantum tunneling, and
it is very important for the fusion reactions in stars like the Sun.
Ubiquitous: Seeming to exist everywhere at once.
Ultraviolet light: UV light is made up of photons that are more energetic than t
hose that we can see (visible light). On Earth, most UV light from the Sun is 18
3
blocked by the ozone layer (for now, at least). UV photons are energetic enough
to cause cell damage and promote skin cancer.
Unicellular organism: A life form composed of only one cell.
Unification Church: The Holy Spirit Association for the Unification of World Chr
istianity was founded in 1954 by Sun Myung Moon. It teaches that people can be r
estored from sin by recognizing Moon s special status, joining the Unification m
ovement, raising money and winning converts for the Unification Church, receivin
g Moon s blessing in marriage, bearing sinless children, and leading lives that
will produce a sinless world.
Unitarian Universalism: Founded in 1961 as a merger between the Unitarian and Un
iversalist Christian traditions, this movement believes that God is the author o
f reason and religion, that all religions have a right to their own beliefs, and
that no two people see the truth in the same way.
United States: A country in Central North America.
Universe: The Universe is a three-dimensional volume of space that may or may no
t be infinite in size. At the very least it is quite large. To be more specific,
it is almost certainly larger than a billion billion billion billion billion bi
llion billion billion billion cubic yards. To put that in perspective, the volum
e of the Earth is only a thousand billion billion cubic yards, while the volume
of the Galaxy is about a billion billion billion billion billion billion billion
cubic yards. If you think about it you will conclude that the Universe is stagg
eringly huge compared to the Galaxy, which is colossal when compared to the Eart
h, which is gigantic when compared to you. My advice is not to think about it to
o much.
Uranium: Uranium nuclei have 92 protons and usually either 143 neutrons (U235) o
r 146 neutrons (U-238). On Earth, a radioactive metallic element used in atomic
weapons and nuclear power plants, but rarely if ever in hair-care products.
184
Uranus: The seventh planet from the Sun, it has 15 times the mass of the Earth a
nd is 30,000 miles in diameter. Uranus has a thick atmosphere composed mostly of
hydrogen and helium. It has more than 20 moons larger than five miles in diamet
er. Jokes about Uranus tend to be in poor taste.
Urantia: The Urantia Brotherhood was founded in the early 1950 s by Dr. William
S. Sadler. It teaches that Urantia is an ancient name for the planet Earth, that
Jesus is the sovereign of Earth s (Urantia s) local universe, and that God the
Universal Father is present in all universes, which are each guided by a differe
nt Son of God.
Vacuum energy density: You just had to ask, didn t you? OK, here goes. Quantum m
echanics says that there is a non-zero probability of a particleantiparticle pai
r being created and destroyed in a given volume of space in a given period of ti
me. From one point of view, these particles and antiparticles don t really exist
because they are created from nothing and go back to nothing in a very short pe
riod of time. However, while they are there they do have mass and energy, so eve
n though they are “virtual” particles, they contribute to the energy density of
space. If the “vacuum” energy density is very large then the universe can expand
exponentially, and this is thought to have happened during the inflationary per
iod very soon after the Big Bang.
Venus: The second planet from the Sun, its mass is 80 percent of that of the Ear
th, and its diameter is 7500 miles. It has a thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide.
Venus very rarely attacks the Earth in science fiction stories.
Verona: A city in Northern Italy.
Violent relaxation: You don t want to know. Sounds like a cool album name though
, doesn t it?
Virialization: You really don t want to know. But this could be the name of the
band.
Virus: In biology, a virus is an entity that can only reproduce itself within a
host cell. Since viruses reproduce they can be thought of as alive, but since th
ey don t 185
grow, move, or eat, they can be thought of as not alive. Viruses are like Schröd
inger s Cat in that way. In computer science, a virus is a program that inserts
copies of itself into other programs and usually causes some (potentially undesi
rable) even to happen, sometimes on a given date.
Volatile: A material that evaporates rapidly under prevailing conditions.
Volcano: An opening in the crust of the Earth through which liquid rock escapes
to the surface.
Water: Dihydrogen monoxide is a molecule composed of two atoms of hydrogen and o
ne atom of oxygen (H2O). It is produced by photosynthesis and required for respi
ration. On Earth it is an odorless, tasteless, colorless liquid that may react v
igorously with certain materials.
Weak nuclear force: One of the four fundamental forces of nature, this force cha
nges particles into other particles. For example, in nuclear fusion protons are
changed into neutrons via the weak nuclear force.
White dwarf: An object with the mass of the Sun and the size of the Earth. Stars
less massive than about 8 solar masses will end their lives as white dwarfs.
Wilhelm II: Born in 1859 and becoming King of Prussia and German Kaiser in 1888,
he got Germany into war in 1914. World War I did not go well for Germany, howev
er, and on November 9, 1918, Germany became a republic and the dynasty that had
ruled for 300 years was over. The Kaiser fled to the Netherlands and wrote his m
emoirs, in which he tried to convince the world that World War I hadn t been his
fault.
Wilson, Woodrow: The first-and so far only-President of the United States to hav
e earned a Ph.D., Dr. Wilson was elected president in 1912 and re-elected in 191
6 using the campaign slogan “he kept us out of war.” Three months after his inau
guration he asked Congress to declare war on Germany.
Wombat: An Australian marsupial with short legs and a small tail.
186
Yeltsin, Boris Nikolayevich: An excellent high school volleyball player who went
on to become President of Russia.
Zoroastrianism: Founded by Zarathustra (also known as Zoroaster) in about 630 B.
C., this Persian religion believes in one supreme God named Ahura Mazda who crea
ted all things. There is also an evil spirit named Angra Mainyu and humans must
choose to serve one side or the other. This choice may be helped by the knowledg
e that Ahura Mazda will triumph in the end.
Zuckerman, Benjamin: Professor of physics and astronomy at UCLA, editor of the b
ook Extraterrestrials, Where Are They? , and inspirational teacher of
“Life in the Universe.”
187
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A Briefer History of Time by Eric Schulman

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What are some of the major events in the formation of the universe?

How did life on Earth begin?

A BRIEFER HISTORY OF TIME

FROM THE BIG BANG TO THE BIG MAC®

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