ParentingKidswithADHD:

16TipstoTackleCommon
Challenges
ByMargaritaTartakovsky,M.S.
~7minread

Pages:12
All
Thesymptomsofattentiondeficithyperactivitydisorder(ADHD)can
presentparentswithmanychallenges.KidswithADHDoftenlose
trackoftheirthings,havedifficultystayingontopofhomeworkand
seemgenerallyscatteredwhenattendingtochoresorassignedtasks,
saysGeorgeKapalka,Ph.D,clinicalandschoolpsychologistand
authorofthreebooksonADHD,includingParentingYourOutof
ControlChild:AnEffective,EasytouseProgramforTeachingSelf
Control.
Impulsivityisanotherchallenge,whichcanleadkidstobedefiantor
toargue,hesays.Theytendtoeasilygetoverstimulatedandthey
overreacttofrustrationorfailure.
LucyJoPalladino,Ph.D,clinicalpsychologistandauthorof
Dreamers,Discoverers,andDynamos:HowtoHelptheChildWhois
Bright,Bored,andHavingProblemsatSchool,agrees.Shesaysthat
kidswithADHDhavehairtrigger,fightorflightreactionstostress,
whichcanmakeenforcingrulesdifficultforparents.Parentsmay
haveatoughtimeknowinghowtoprovidestructurewithoutpressure,
shesays.
ChildrenwithADHDknowwhattodo[but]theydontdowhatthey
know,Palladinonotes.Consequently,parentsmightnotknowwhentobe
firmandwhentobepatient,shesays.
Plus,parentshavetodealwiththetrickybalanceofbelievinginyour
childsabilitieswhileprotectinghimfromthepitfallsofhisADHD,she
says.Youmightwonder,Howmuchaccommodationandspecial
treatmentisbest?,andworrythatyourefosteringdependenceorself

doubtinyourchild.
Fortunately,whiletherearemanychallengesthatcomewithraisingkids
withADHD,therearealsoeffectivestrategiesandrewards.Kapalkaand
Palladinoshare16targetedtipsforparentingkidswithADHD.

ParentingStrategiesforKidswithADHD

1.Staycalm.
BothKapalkaandPalladinoemphasizetheimportanceofstayingcalm.As
Kapalkasays,Oncetheparentisoutofcontrol,thechildsangerbecomes
evenmoreescalated,assuringthattheinteractionwillresultinanon
productiveoutcome.Sopayattentiontoyourselfifyouhaveatendency
towardADHDbehaviorslikereactivity.
Arguingwithyourchildwontgetyouanywhere.Takehomeworktime,for
instanceanactivitythatcanfeellikeatugofwar.Arguingsimply
createsadiversionthatdelayshomeworkevenlonger,Palladinopoints
out.Instead,Diffuse,dontengage.
Palladinosuggeststhefollowing:Say,Iunderstandthisisnofunfor
you,followedbysilence,positiveexpectancyandalovingtouchonthe
shoulder.Thewrongmoveherewouldbesaying,Stopcomplaining.
Youredawdlingovernothing.
2.Setlimitsonyourownbehavior.
Ifyoureinclinedtobeaworried,rescuingparent,remindyourselfthat
themoreyoudoforyourchild,thelesshedoesforhimself,Palladino
says.ThekeyistoSupport,butdontgetintothedriversseat.
Forexample,duringahomeworksession,itsfinetoaskDoyouneed
moreofthosepaperswiththelinesandboxesonthemtofinishtheselong
divisionproblems?shesays.Buttakingyourchildspencilandsaying
youllbothworkonthatlongdivisioncanbeproblematic.
Ifyoudstillliketokeepaneyeonyourchild,sitcloseby,butbringyour
ownworktothetablepayyourbills,balanceyourcheckbook.
3.Setstructurebutmakeitpressurefree.
AccordingtoPalladino,structureinvolvesstarchartsforyoungchildren,
calendarsandplannersforolderones,andclearrulesandsensibleroutines,
especiallyatbedtime.Structurehelpsreducedisorganizationand
distractibility,Kapalkanotes.Assuch,setaconsistenttimetodo
homework,withcertainprivilegesonlyavailabletothechildaftertheyve
successfullycompletedtheirassignments,hesays.(Anothertipwork
withyourchildsteacherstocreateaconsistenthomeworkroutine,he
says.)
AsPalladinoexplainedearlier,itsbesttoavoidimposingpressure.So

whatdoespressurefreestructurelooklike?Itincludesnotusingthreatsor
unreasonabledeadlinesandpunishmentsthatcontributetohostility,fearor
drama,shesays.
4.Giveyourkidsthechancetomakewisechoices.
Tohelpteachkidsselfcontrol,KapalkasaysthatParentsmustprovide
ampleopportunitiesforchildrentobefacedwithchoicesofhowto
respond.
Palladinosuggestsusingatechniquecalledstructuredchoice,which
givesyourchildtwochoicesthatsteerhimorherintherightdirection.For
example,parentsmightask,accordingtoPalladino:Doyouwanttodo
yourmathoryourscienceassignmentnext?orBeforewecango,your
roomneedstobepickedup.Doyouwanttostartwiththeclothesonthe
bedorclearthetopofyourdesk?
5.Usereasonableconsequencesforrulebreaking.
Asastart,Palladinosuggestsparentsasktheirchildwhattheconsequences
shouldbeifheorshebreaksarule.Thishelpskidscreatecommitments
thattheycanactuallyown,shesays.
Inaddition,createandconsistentlyenforcepositiveconsequencesfor
positivebehaviorsandnegativeconsequencesfornegativebehaviors,
Kapalkasays.Thishelpsyourchildrecognizethatpositivebehaviors
resultinpositiveconsequences,andnegativebehaviorsresultinnegative
ones.
6.Expectrulebreaking,anddonttakeitpersonally.
AsPalladinosays,itsinyourchildsjobdescriptiontooccasionally
breaktherules.Whenyourchildbreakstherules,correcthimthewaya
policeofficergivesyouaticket.Hedoesnttakeitpersonallyorgroanor
yell,Icantbelieveyoudidthatagain!Whydoyoudothistome?Like
theofficer,berespectful,consistent,andmatteroffact.
7.Advocateforyourchildwhenappropriate.
Certainaccommodationsmightbenecessaryforyourchildbecauseofhis
orherADHD.However,youstillwanttoencouragekidstocultivatetheir
abilities.
Palladinogivesanexampleoffindingthistrickybalance:standupfor
hisrightforanaccommodationliketalkingbooks,butencourageand
expecthimtolearntoreadfluently,givinghimtime,attention,atutor,and
mostespecially,yourbeliefthathecan.
8.Avoidmutingaheadstrongchild.
AsKapalkasays,oneofthemistakesparentscanmakeisTryingtoturna
spirited,willfulchildintoonethatneverquestionsauthorityandacceptsall
thatissaidjustbecauseIsaidsoasaparent.

Instead,hesuggeststhatparentsacceptthatsomechildrenwillprotest
andtalkback,andparentsmustsetalimitthatontheonehandrealizesthat
childrenneedatleastsomewaytoexpresstheirfrustration,whilestill
enforcingreasonablestandardsandrules.
9.Realizethatyourchildisntmisbehavingonpurpose.
ParentsofkidswithADHDsubconsciouslymakeerroneousassumptions
aboutwhy[their]childismisbehaving,Kapalkasays.
Inreality,hesays,Childrenareverygoaldirectedanddowhattheydo
withthehopeofobtaininganoutcometheyseek,whichusuallypertainsto
somethingtheywanttodoorget,orsomethingtheyaretryingtoavoid
(likechores,homeworkorbedtime).
10.Bepersistent.
AccordingtoKapalka,kidswithADHDmayrequiremoretrialsand
exposuretoconsistentconsequencesinordertolearnfromthat
experience.Tryingatechniqueoneortwotimeswithnoresultsdoesnt
meanthatitscompletelyineffective.Youjustmighthavetokeeptrying.
11.Tackleoneissueatatime.
Everyconcerncantbefixedatonce,Kapalkasays.Soitsimportantfor
parentstoprioritizewhatsituationsseemmostimportant,andstartwith
those,temporarilylettinggoofthelessimportantproblems,hesays.
12.EducateyourselfaboutADHDandattention.
KnowinghowADHDsymptomsaffectyourchildisessential.Youmight
thinkthatyourchildisbeingstubbornorbehavingacertainwayon
purpose,buttheseactionsmaybesymptomsofADHD.
KapalkasuggestsparentsalsoeducatethemselvesaboutADHDscauses
andchilddevelopment.(YoucanrefertobooksonADHDortalktoa
therapistwhospecializesinADHD.)
Theotherimportantpartiseducatingyourselfaboutattentionandlearning
whenyourchildisathisorherpeakofproductivity.Considerthe
followingscenario,Palladinosays:Yourchildwontfinishhishomework,
soyoufirmlytellhimthathesgroundedifhedoesntbuckledownright
now.Instead,though,hehasameltdown.Theproblem?Hisarousallevel
wastoohigh.Deepdown,hewasscaredtoputsomethingonthepaper,
becauseheanticipateditwasntgoingtobegoodenoughtoosloppy,
poorspelling,notaspolishedashissiblingsorhisclassmateswork,she
says.Theheightenedarousalcausedhimtofeeloverwhelmed,sohe
neededlessadrenalinetofocusonhistask.
Knowingwhenyourchildcanconcentratebesthelpsyouchunk

assignmentsintomanageablesteps,suggestbreakstodecreasetension,
alternateinterestingandboringtasks,andkeephisadrenalinebasedbrain
chemicalspumpingwithasteadystreamofjusttherightamountof
stimulation,Palladinosays.
(InPalladinosbookonattentioncalledFindYourFocusZone,she
includesalongchaptercalledTeachingKidstoPayAttention,which
maybehelpfultoparentsraisingkidswithADHD.)
13.Helpyourchildadjusttochange.
ChildrenwithADHDhaveadifficulttimewithsetshifting,abrain
functionthatinvolvesadjustingtochangeorswitchingcognitiveprocesses,
especiallyiftheyrehyperfocusedonanactivity,Palladinosays.
Sheemphasizestheimportanceofgivingyourchildnomatterhowbusy
youarethetimeandinformationheneedstomentallyadjustforbig
changessuchasvacations,guestsoranewbabysitterandsmall
changessuchasstoppingoneactivitytobeginthenext,especiallywhen
whatsnextisgettingreadyforbed.
Forinstance,whenyougetbackfromvacation,thenightbefore,review
yourchildsroutinewithhimorher,shesays.
14.Focusonyourchildsstrengths.
Insteadofharpingonwhatyourchildcantdo,honeinonwhattheycan,
Palladinorecommends.Keepremindingyourselfaboutyourchilds
resourcefulness,creativityandindividuality.Thesameselfdetermination
andintractabilitythatdrivesyounutstodaywillempoweryourchild
tomorrow.Picturehimasatirelessentrepreneur,attorney,ordoingany
workhefeelspassionateabout.
Itsbestforparentstotrytostrikeabalance.Dontdenyhisspecialneeds,
anddontdefinehimbythem,either,shesays.
15.Cutyourselfsomeslack.
Raisingachildwithadisorderwhosesymptomsincludeimpulsivity,
defianceandlimitedselfcontrolisoneofthemostchallengingtasksany
personwilleverattempt,Kapalkasays.
Soacknowledgethatyoureworkinghard,andDonotfeellikeafailure.
Youdidnotcauseyourchildtobehavethisway,butyoucanmakea
difference,hesays.
16.Celebratebeingaparentandbeingwithyourchild.
ParentingkidswithADHDcanfeellikeafrustratingandsometimes
unfeasibletask.ButDontletADHDrobyouofthejoyofbeinga
parent,Palladinosays.
Whenparentsareattheirwitsend,theycandoafewthingstohelp.For
instance,shesuggestsaparentcradleyourarmsandrememberwhatitfelt
likewhenyourchildwasborn.

Ifyourecorrectingyourchildtoomuch,turnyourringorputyour
wristwatchonyourotherhand,anddontputitbacktherightwayuntil
youvethoughtofandsaidsomethingpositiveorcaughtyourchildbeing
good,shesays.
Shealsorecommendsthefollowingselftalk:

I am thankful to be a parent. The responsibility is

great but the rewards are greater.
I teach my child and my child teaches me.
I am thankful for my children their gifts and
talents and their love.
AdditionalResources
GeorgeKapalka,Ph.D.
LucyJoPalladino,Ph.D.

For Parents &

Caregivers
Start_Module_5904
PDF version of this page

While ADHD is believed to be hereditary, effectively managing your childs

symptoms can affect both the severity of the disorder and development of more
serious problems over time. Early intervention holds the key to positive
outcomes for your child. The earlier you address your childs problems, the
more likely you will be able to prevent school and social failure and associated
problems such as underachievement and poor self-esteem that may lead to
delinquency or drug and alcohol abuse. Although life with your child may at
times seem challenging, as a parent you can help create home and school
environments that improve your childs chances for success.

Here are some ways to get started.

Dont waste your limited emotional energy on self-blame. ADHD is a
disorder in certain areas of the brain and is inherited in the majority of cases. It
is not caused by poor parenting or a chaotic home environment, although the
home environment can make the symptoms of ADHD better or worse.
Learn all you can about ADHD. While a great deal of information on the
diagnosis and treatment of ADHD is available, not all of it is accurate or based
on scientific evidence. It is up to you to be a good consumer and learn to
distinguish the accurate information from the inaccurate. How can you sort out
what will be useful and what will not? In general, it is good to be wary about ads
claiming to cure ADHD. Currently, there is no cure for ADHD, but you can take
positive steps to decrease its impact. In addition, pay attention to the source of
the information. If youre using the Internet, stick with reputable websites such
as government (for example CDC), nonprofit (such as CHADD) or university
resources (those that end in .edu).
Make sure your child has a comprehensive assessment. To complete the
diagnostic process, make sure your child has a comprehensive assessment that
includes medical, educational and psychological evaluations (involving input
from your childs teacher) and that other disorders that either mimic or
commonly occur with ADHD have been considered and ruled out.
How to help your child succeed at school
Become an effective case manager. Keep a record of all information about
your child. This includes copies of all report cards, teacher notes, disciplinary
reports, evaluations and documents from any meetings concerning your child.
You might also include information about ADHD, a record of your childs prior
treatments and placements and contact information for the professionals who
have worked with your child.
Form a team that understands ADHD and be the team captain. Meetings at
your childs school should be attended by the principals designee as well as a
special educator and a classroom teacher that knows your child. You, however,
have the right to request input at these meetings from others that understand
ADHD or your childs special needs. These include your childs physician, the
school psychologist, and the nurse or guidance counselor from your childs
school. If you have consulted other professionals, such as a psychiatrist,
psychologist, educational advocate or behavior management specialist, the
useful information they have provided should also be made available at these
meetings. A thorough understanding of your childs strengths and weaknesses
and how ADHD affects him or her will help you and members of the team go on
to develop an appropriate and effective program that takes into account his or
her ADHD.
Learn all you can about ADHD and your childs educational rights. The
more knowledge you have about your childs rights under the two education
laws, the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) and Section 504 of
the Rehabilitation Act, the better to maximize his or her success. Each state has
a parent technical assistance center that can help you learn more about your
childs rights (visit http://www.parentcenterhub.org/ptacs/ to find the center in
your state).
Become your childs best advocate. You need to represent and protect your
childs best interest in school situations, both academic and behavioral. Become

an active part of the team that determines what services and placements your
child receives in an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) or Section 504 plan.
See Education for Individuals with ADHD for more information.
Communicate regularly. Adopt a collaborative attitude when working with your
childs teamafter all, everyone has the same goal, to see your child succeed!
Let your childs teachers know if there are some major changes going on in your
family since your childs behavior can be affected. Invite the teachers to contact
you with any issues or concerns before they become a problem. Having open
lines of communication between you and the school will help your child.

How to make life at home easier

Join a support group. Parents will find additional information, as well as
support, by attending local CHADD meetings where available. You can find the
nearest chapter to your home using the chapter locator.
Seek professional help. Ask for help from mental health professionals,
particularly if you are feeling depressed, frustrated or exhausted. Helping
yourself feel less stressed will benefit your child as well.
Work together. It is important that all of the adults that care for your child
(parents, grandparents, relatives and babysitters) agree on how to handle your
childs problem behaviors. Working with a professional, if needed, can help you
better understand how to work together to support your child.
Learn the tools of successful behavior management. Behavioral techniques
have been widely established as a key component of treatment for children with
ADHD. Parent training will teach you strategies to change behaviors and
improve your relationship with your child. CHADD offers the Parent to Parent
Program, which provides basic education on many facets of ADHD. You can
also identify parent training programs in your community through your local
parent information and resource center (www.parentcenterhub.org/ptacs/).
Find out if you have ADHD. Since ADHD is often inherited, many parents of
children with ADHD discover that they have ADHD when their child is
diagnosed. Parents with ADHD may need the same types of evaluation and

treatment that they seek for their children in order to function at their best.
ADHD in the parent may make the home more chaotic and affect a parents
ability to be proactive rather than reactive.

Parent training will help you learn to:

Provide clear, consistent expectations, directions and limits. Children with
ADHD need to know exactly what others expect from them. They do not
perform well in ambiguous situations that dont specify exactly what is expected
and that require them to read between the lines. Working with a professional
can help narrow the focus to a few specific behaviors, help you set limits and
consistently follow through with consequences.
Set up an effective discipline system. Parents should learn proactivenot
reactivediscipline methods that teach and reward appropriate behavior and
respond to misbehavior with alternatives such as time outs or loss of privileges.
Communicate with the other people who care for your child and work to be as
consistent with behavioral techniques across settings and caregivers as
possible.
Help your child learn from his or her mistakes. At times, negative
consequences will arise naturally out of a childs behavior. However, children
with ADHD have difficulty making the connection between their behaviors and
these consequences. Parents can help their child with ADHD make these
connections and learn from his/her mistakes.
How to boost your childs confidence
Set aside a daily special time for you and your child. Constant negative
feedback can erode a childs self-esteem. A special time, whether its an outing,
playing games or just time spent with your child in positive interaction, can help
fortify your child against assaults to self-worth.
Notice your childs successes, no matter how small. Make an effort to
notice when your child is paying attention well or doing what s/he is supposed to
be doing. Tell your child exactly what she/he did well. This can improve your
childs self-esteem and teach him/her to notice gradual improvements, rather
than being too hard on him/herself.
Tell your child that you love and support him/her unconditionally. There
will be days when you may not believe this yourself. Those will be the days
when it is even more important that you acknowledge the difficulties your child
constantly faces and express your love. Let your child know that you will get
through both the smooth and rough times together.
Assist your child with social skills. Children with ADHD may be rejected by
peers because of hyperactive, impulsive or aggressive behaviors. Parent
training can help you learn how to assist your child in making friends and
learning to work cooperatively with others.
Identify your child's strengths. Many children with ADHD have strengths in
certain areas such as art, athletics, computers or mechanical ability. Build upon
these strengths, so that your child will have a sense of pride and
accomplishment. Make sure that your child has the opportunity to be successful
while pursuing these activities and that his strengths are not undermined by
untreated ADHD. Also, avoid, as much as possible, targeting these activities as
contingencies for good behavior or withholding them, as a form of punishment,
when your child misbehaves.

- See more at: http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/Forparents-caregivers.aspx#sthash.RDIF7Heo.dpuf