the hand

X
t h at f i r s t

held mine

a novel

maggie o’farrell
auth o r o f Th e Va n i s h i n g A c t o f E s m e L e n n ox
The Hand
That First
Held Mine

Maggie O’Farrell

Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Boston New York
2010
L isten. The trees in this story are stirring, trembling, readjusting
themselves. A breeze is coming in gusts off the sea, and it is
almost as if the trees know, in their restlessness, in their head-tossing
impatience, that something is about to happen.
The garden is empty, the patio deserted, save for some pots with
geraniums and delphiniums shuddering in the wind. A bench stands
on the lawn, two chairs facing politely away from it. A bicycle is
propped up against the house but its pedals are stationary, the oiled
chain motionless. A baby has been put out to sleep in a pram and it
lies inside its stiff cocoon of blankets, eyes obligingly shut tight. A
seagull hangs suspended in the sky above and even that is silent,
beak closed, wings outstretched to catch the high thermal draughts.
The house is set apart from the rest of the village, behind dense
hedge, on the crest of a cliff. This is the border between Devon and
Cornwall, where the two counties crouch, eyeing each other. It is a
much-disputed piece of land. It would not do to look too long at
the soil here, soaked as it will be with the blood of Celts, Anglo-
Saxons, Romans, filled out with the rubble of their bones.
However, this happens in a time of relative peace for Britain: late
summer in the mid-1950s. A gravelled path curves towards the front
door of the house. On the washing-line, petticoats and vests, socks

3
 Maggie O’Farrell

and stays, nappies and handkerchiefs snap and writhe in the breeze.
A radio can be heard from somewhere, one of the neighbouring
houses perhaps, and the muffled thwack of an axe falling on wood.
The garden waits. The trees wait. The seagull, balancing in the
sky above the washing, waits. And then, just as if this is a stage set
and there is an audience, watching from a hushed dark, there are
voices. Noises off. Somebody screams, another person shouts, some-
thing heavy hits the floor. The back door of the house is wrenched
open. ‘I can’t bear it! I tell you, I can’t!’ the someone shrieks. The
back door is slammed, resoundingly, and a person appears.
She is twenty-one, soon to be twenty-two. She is wearing a blue
cotton dress with red buttons. A yellow scarf holds back her hair.
She is marching across the patio and she is holding a book. In her
bare feet, she stamps down the steps and across the lawn. She doesn’t
notice the seagull, which has turned in the air to look down on her,
she doesn’t notice the trees, which are tossing their branches to herald
her arrival, she doesn’t even notice the baby as she sweeps past the
pram, heading for a tree stump at the bottom of the garden.
She sits herself down on this tree stump and, attempting to ignore
the rage fanning through her veins, she balances the book on her
lap and begins to read. Death be not proud, the words begin, though some
have called thee mighty and Dreadful.
She bends with tense concentration over the page, sighing and
flexing her shoulders. Then, without warning, she lets out a sudden
growl and flings the book away from her. It hits the grass with a
subdued thud, its pages fluttering closed. There it lies, surrounded
by grass.
She gets to her feet. She doesn’t do it as anybody else would,
gradually moving from sitting to standing. She leaps, she starts, she
bounds, she seems to stamp on the soil as she rises as if, like
Rumpelstiltskin, she would crack it open.

4
 The Hand That First Held Mine

Standing, she is at once confronted by the sight of a farmer in

the lane, driving a flock of sheep, a switch in one hand, a dog darting
about him. These sheep encapsulate what she hates about her home:
their shredded, filthy backsides, their numb-faced stupidity, their
witless bleating. She would like to drive them all into a threshing
machine, over the cliff, anything, just to rid herself of the sight.
She turns away from the sheep, away from the house. She keeps
only the sea in her sights. She has had a creeping fear of late that
what she wants most – for her life to begin, to take on some meaning,
to turn from blurred monochrome into glorious technicolour – may
pass her by. That she might not recognise it if it comes her way,
might fail to grasp for it.
She is closing her eyes to the sea, to the presence of the cast-
aside book, when there is the sound of feet thudding through grass
and a voice, saying, ‘Sandra?’
She snaps upright as if she has received an electric shock. ‘Alexandra!’
she corrects. This is her name, given to her at birth, but her
mother later decided she didn’t like it and shortened it to its final
syllables.
‘Alexandra,’ the child repeats obediently. ‘Mother says, “What are
you doing and will you come in and—”’
‘Away!’ Alexandra screams. ‘Go away!’ And she returns crossly to
her stump, to the book, to her analysis of Death and its needless
pride.
At the exact same moment, half a mile away, Innes Kent – aged
thirty-four, art dealer, journalist, critic, self-confessed hedonist – is
kneeling on the dirt to examine the underside of his car. He has no
idea what he is looking for but feels that he ought to look anyway.
He is ever the optimist. The car is a silver and ice-blue MG; Innes
loves it more than almost anything else in the world and it has just
ground to a standstill at the side of this country lane. He straightens up.

5
 Maggie O’Farrell

And he does what he does in most situations that frustrate him: he

lights a cigarette. He gives the wheel an experimental kick, then
regrets it.
Innes has been in St Ives, visiting the studio of an artist whose
work he’d been hoping to buy. He had found the artist rather drunk
and the work far from completion. The whole excursion has been a
raging disaster. And now this. He grinds his cigarette underfoot, then
sets off down the lane. He can see a cluster of houses ahead, the
curved wall of a harbour reaching out into the sea. Someone will
know the whereabouts of a garage, if they have garages in this god-
forsaken place.
Alexandra does not – cannot – know the proximity of Innes Kent.
She doesn’t know that he is coming, getting ever closer with every
passing second, walking in his hand-made shoes along the roads that
separate them, the distance between them shrinking with every well-
shod step. Life as she will know it is about to begin but she is
absorbed, finally, in her reading, in a long-dead man’s struggle with
mortality.
As Innes Kent turns into her road, Alexandra raises her head. She
places the book on the ground again, this time more gently, and
stretches, her arms held high. She twirls a strand of hair between
finger and thumb, hooks a daisy between her toes and plucks it –
she has always had gymnastic joints; it is something of which she is
rather proud. She does this again and again until all eight gaps between
her toes hold the frank yellow eye of a daisy.
Innes comes to a halt beside a gap in a thick hedge. He peers
through. A pretty sort of country house with bushes, grass, flowers,
that kind of thing – a garden, he supposes. Then he sees, close by,
seated under a tree, a woman. Innes’s interest never fails to be piqued
by the proximity of a woman.
This specimen is without shoes, hair held off her neck in a yellow

6
 The Hand That First Held Mine

scarf. He raises himself on tiptoe to see better. The most exquisite

column of a neck, he decides. If he were pressed to write a descrip-
tion of it, he would be forced to employ the word ‘sculptural’ and
possibly even ‘alabaster’, which are not terms he would bandy about
lightly. Innes’s background is in art. Or perhaps ‘foreground’ would
be a more accurate term. Art is not a background for Innes. It is what
he breathes, what makes life continue; he looks and he doesn’t see
a tree, a car, a street, he sees a potential still-life, he sees an inter-
play of light and shade and colour, he sees a deliberate arrangement
of chosen objects.
And what he sees when he looks at Alexandra in her yellow scarf
and blue dress is a scene from a fresco. Innes believes he is beholding
a perfect rural madonna, in profile, in a marvellously – he thinks –
tight-fitting blue frock, with her baby slumbering a few feet away.
He shuts one eye and regards the scene first with one eye, then the
other. Really, it’s a beautiful composition, with the tree overhead
counterpointed by the flat stretch of grass and the uprightness of the
woman and her neck. He would like to see it painted by one of
the Italian masters, by Piero della Francesca or Andrea del Sarto
perhaps. She can even pick flowers with her toes! What a creature!
Innes is smiling to himself, trying it out again with both eyes,
when the scene is shattered by the madonna saying in a clear voice,
‘Don’t you know it’s very bad manners to spy on people?’
He is so taken aback that for a moment he is speechless (not some-
thing to which he is accustomed) and he watches, fascinated, as the
woman stands up from her tree stump. The della Francesca madonna
morphs before his very eyes into a version of Marcel Duchamp’s Nude
Descending a Staircase. What a sight! The woman coming towards him
down the raised lawn echoes Duchamp’s effect exactly! Her anger
seems to spike the very air!
Innes has been steeped in the Dadaists of late, so much so that

7
 Maggie O’Farrell

two nights previously he had a dream entirely within one of their

paintings. ‘My second favourite dream’, he rates it. (The first is too
graphic to relate.)
‘It is also,’ the madonna is bearing down on him, jaw set, hands
on hips, and he has to say he is rather glad of the hedge between
them, ‘illegal. I am perfectly within my rights to summon a policeman.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he manages to say. ‘My car. It seems to have broken
down. I’m looking for a garage.’
‘Does this look like a garage to you?’ Her voice is not, as he might
have expected, smoothed with a Devonian burr but sharp and cut
like a diamond.
‘Um. No. It does not.’
‘Well, then,’ she is advancing ever closer to her side of the hedge,
‘goodbye.’
As she says this, Alexandra gets her first proper look at the peeping
Tom. He has hair quite a bit longer than she has ever seen on a man.
His shirt has an unusually high collar and is daffodil yellow. His suit
is light grey needle cord and has no collar at all; the tie he is wearing
is the colour of duck eggs. Alexandra comes two steps closer. Daffodils,
her mind reiterates, duck eggs.
‘I wasn’t spying,’ the man is protesting, ‘I assure you. I’m seeking
aid. I find myself in a bit of a fix. My car has broken down. Would
you happen to know of a garage near here? I don’t mean to tear you
away from your baby but I have to be back in London sharpish as I
have a print deadline. Nightmare upon nightmare. Any assistance
and I’m your grateful slave.’
She blinks. She has never heard anyone speak like this before.
Sharpish, fix, print deadline, nightmare upon nightmare, grateful slave. She would
like to ask him to say it all again. Then part of the speech filters
through to her. ‘It’s not my baby,’ she snaps. ‘It’s nothing to do with
me. It’s my mother’s.’

8
 The Hand That First Held Mine

‘Ah.’ The man inclines his head sideways. ‘I’m not sure I would
categorise that as nothing to do with you.’
‘Wouldn’t you?’
‘No. It must at least be acknowledged as your sibling.’
There is a slight pause. Alexandra tries, without success, not to
examine his clothes again. The shirt, that tie. Daffodils and eggs.
‘You’re from London, then?’ she asks.
‘I am.’
She sniffs. She adjusts the scarf across her forehead. She examines
the bristles on the man’s chin and wonders why he hasn’t shaved. And,
unfathomably, a half-formed plan of hers crystallises into a definite
desire. ‘I’m planning,’ she says, ‘on going to live in London myself.’
‘Is that so?’ The man starts to rummage animatedly in his pockets.
He brings out an enamelled green cigarette case, removes two cigarettes
and offers her one. She has to lean over the hedge to take it.
‘ Thank you,’ she says. He lights it for her, cupping the match in
his hands, then uses the same match on his own cigarette. Close up,
she thinks, he smells of hair-oil, cologne and something else. But he
moves back before she can identify it.
‘ Thanks,’ she says again, indicating the cigarette, and inhales.
‘And what,’ the man says, as he shakes out the match and tosses
it aside, ‘may I ask, is holding you back?’
She thinks about this. ‘Nothing,’ she answers, and laughs. Because
it’s true. Nothing stands in her way. She nods towards the house.
‘They don’t know yet. And they’ll be set against it. But they can’t
stop me.’
‘ That’s the spirit,’ he says, smoke curling from his mouth. ‘So,
you’re running away to the capital?’
‘Running,’ Alexandra replies, drawing herself up to her full height,
‘but not away. You can’t run away from home if you’ve already left.
I’ve been away at university.’ She takes a draw on her cigarette, glances

9
 Maggie O’Farrell

towards the house, then back at the man. ‘Actually, I was sent down
and—’
‘From university?’ the man cuts in, cigarette halfway to his mouth.
‘Yes.’
‘How very dramatic. For what crime?’
‘For no crime at all,’ she returns, rather more heatedly than neces-
sary because the injustice of it still stings. ‘I was walking out of an
exam and I came out of a door reserved for men. I’m not allowed to
graduate unless I apologise. They,’ she nods again at the house, ‘didn’t
even want me to go to university in the first place but now they’re
not speaking to me until I go back and apologise.’
The man is looking at her as if committing her to memory. The
stitching on his shirt is in blue cotton, she notices, the cuffs and the
collar. ‘And are you going to apologise?’
She flicks ash from her cigarette and shakes her head. ‘I don’t see
why I should. I didn’t even know it was only for men. There was no
sign. And I said to them, “Well, where’s the door for women?” and
they said there wasn’t one. So why should I say sorry?’
‘Quite. Never say sorry unless you are sorry.’ They smoke for a
moment, not looking at each other. ‘So,’ the man says, eventually,
‘what are you going to do in London?’
‘I’m going to work of course. Though I might not get a job,’ she
says, suddenly despondent. ‘Someone told me that for secretarial
work you need a typing speed of sixty words per minute and I’m
currently up to about three.’
He smiles. ‘And where will you be living?’
‘You ask a lot of questions.’
‘Force of habit.’ He shrugs unapologetically. ‘I’m a journalist, among
other things. So. Your digs. Where will they be?’
‘I don’t know if I want to tell you.’
‘Why ever not? I shan’t tell a soul. I’m very good about secrets.’

10
 The Hand That First Held Mine

She throws her cigarette butt into the green, unfurling leaves of
the hedge. ‘Well, a friend gave me the address of a house for single
women in Kentish Town. She said—’
His face betrays only the slightest twitch of amusement. ‘A house
for single women?’
‘Yes. What’s funny about that?’
‘Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It sounds . . .’ he gestures
‘. . . marvellous. Kentish Town. We’ll be practically neighbours. I’m
in Haverstock Hill. You should come and visit, if they allow you
out.’
Alexandra arches her brows, as if pretending to think about it.
Part of her doesn’t want to give in to this man. There is something
about him that suggests he is used to getting his way. For some reason
she thinks thwarting him would do him good. ‘ That might be possible,
I really don’t know. Perhaps—’
Unfortunately for everyone, Dorothy chooses that moment to
make her entrance. Some signal on her maternal radar has informed
her of a male predator in the vicinity of her eldest daughter. ‘May I
help you?’ she calls, in a tone that contradicts the sentence.
Alexandra whirls around to see her mother advancing down the
lawn, baby’s bottle held out like a pistol. She watches as Dorothy
takes in the man, all the way from his light grey shoes to his collar-
less suit. By the sour turn to her mouth, Alexandra can tell at once
that she does not like what she sees.
The man gives Dorothy a dazzling smile and his teeth appear very
white against his tanned skin. ‘Thank you, but this lady,’ he gestures
towards Alexandra, ‘was assisting me.’
‘My daughter,’ Dorothy stresses the word, ‘is rather busy this
morning. Sandra, I thought you would be keeping an eye on the
baby. Now, what can we—’
‘Alexandra!’ Alexandra shouts at her mother. ‘My name is Alexandra!’

11
 Maggie O’Farrell

She is aware that she is behaving like a cross child but she cannot
bear this man to think her name is Sandra.
But her mother is adept at two things: ignoring her daughter’s
tantrums and extracting information from people. Dorothy listens to
the story about the broken-down car and, within seconds, has
dispatched the man off down the road with directions to a mechanic.
He looks back once, raises his hand and waves.
Alexandra feels something close to rage, to grief, as she hears his
footsteps recede down the lane towards the village. To have been so
close to someone like him and then for him to be snatched away. She
kicks the tree stump, then the baby’s pram wheel. It is a particular
brand of fury, peculiar to youth, that stifling, oppressive sensation of
your elders outmanoeuvring you.
‘What on earth is wrong with you?’ Dorothy hisses, jiggling the
pram handle because the baby has woken up, squawking and tussling.
‘I come down here to find you flirting with some – some gypsy over
the hedge. In broad daylight! For all to see. Where is your sense of
decorum? What kind of an example are you setting for your brothers
and sisters?’
‘And, speaking of them,’ Alexandra pauses before adding, ‘all of
them, where’s your sense of decorum?’ She sets off up the garden. She
cannot spend another second in her mother’s company.
Dorothy stops jiggling the handle of the pram and stares after her,
open-mouthed. ‘What do you mean?’ she shouts, forgetting moment-
arily the proximity of the neighbours. ‘How dare you? How dare you
address me in such a fashion? I’ll be speaking to your father about
this, I will, as soon as he—’
‘Speak! Speak away!’ Alexandra hurls over her shoulder as she
sprints up the garden and crashes her way into the house surprising,
as she does so, a patient of her father’s who is waiting in the hallway.
As she reaches the bedroom she is forced to share with three of

12
 The Hand That First Held Mine

her younger siblings, she can still hear her mother’s voice, screeching
from the garden: ‘Am I the only one in this house to demand stand-
ards? I don’t know where you think you’re going. You’re supposed to
be helping me today. You’re meant to be minding the baby. And the
silver needs doing and the china. Who do you think is going to do
it? The ghosts?’

13