InstructorGuide

Download as doc, pdf, or txt
Download as doc, pdf, or txt
You are on page 1of 54

Customizable Training Material

Conflict Resolution:
Dealing With Difficult
People
Instructor
Career Development Training
Fully
Unlimited Number of Users
Customizable
No Annual Renewal Fees
Print on
Demand
Instructor Guide
Dealing with Difficult

Conflict Resolution People

Guide

COPYRIGHT
All rights reserved world-wide under International and Pan-American
copyright agreements. No part of this document can be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise
without the prior written permission of Velsoft Training Materials, Inc.
Courseware Version: 3.0

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Preface................................................................................1
Understanding Your Training Package..........................................................................1
Preparing for Training.................................................................................................. 2
Our Top 10 Training Tips..............................................................................................3
Materials Required....................................................................................................... 4
Related Courses........................................................................................................... 4
Additional Resources................................................................................................... 4

Agenda................................................................................5
Icebreaker: Scrap It!.................................................................................................... 6
Session One: Course Overview....................................................................................7
Session Two: Conflict as Communication...................................................................10
Defining Conflict................................................................................................. 10
Self-Assessment................................................................................................. 13
Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation...................................................................16
Session Four: Preventing Problems............................................................................18
Overview............................................................................................................ 18
Group Discussion................................................................................................ 19
Break.................................................................................................................. 19
Debrief............................................................................................................... 19
Session Five: Getting Focused...................................................................................21
Getting to the Heart of the Matter......................................................................21
The Three Fs...................................................................................................... 23
Session Six: Managing Anger.....................................................................................24
Coping Strategies...............................................................................................24
Guidelines for Assertive Anger...........................................................................26
Morning Wrap-Up....................................................................................................... 28
Lunch......................................................................................................................... 28
Energizer: Tri-Dents................................................................................................... 28
Session Seven: Dealing with Problems......................................................................29
Dealing with Problems........................................................................................29
Debrief............................................................................................................... 30
Causes of Difficult Behavior................................................................................31
Session Eight: The Three-Step Conflict Resolution Model..........................................32
The Three-Step Model......................................................................................... 32
Getting the Hang of Things.................................................................................34

Break......................................................................................................................... 34
Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good.................................................................35
Planning............................................................................................................. 35
Practice.............................................................................................................. 36
Session Ten: Changing Yourself..................................................................................37
Negative vs. Positive Interactions.......................................................................37
Dealing with Negative Feelings...........................................................................39
Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They Are Supposed To?.........................41
Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things Get Ugly.............................42
Workshop Wrap-Up.................................................................................................... 44

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

PREFACE
Understanding Your Training Package

Your Velsoft training package contains the following items:


o Instructor Guide: Contains all textbook information plus this
preface, icebreakers, activities, delivery tips, and more!
o Student Manual: Contains textbook information as well as areas to
take notes. Each manual also includes an evaluation form, action
plan, and recommended reading list.
o Handouts: Contains pre and post class answer keys as well as any
additional information or activity resources.
o Pre-Assignment: Task for participants to complete before the
workshop to get them thinking about the learning that will take
place.
o PowerPoint Slides: PowerPoint presentation highlighting talking
points in the course.
o Quick Reference Guide: Two page cheat sheet of tips and facts
covered in the course.
o Outline: Word document that outlines the overview and objectives
of the course and summarizes each session to be covered.
o Advertorial: Pre-made flyer that you can customize and distribute.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Preparing for Training


To begin, read through this Instructor Guide. This is intended to be a
guide and not a bible! Be guided by your experience, the needs of the
participants, and your own common sense, as well as the information in
here. Most of the suggestions and all of the information have been developed
through research and hands-on, classroom experience, but you will want to
customize the material for your particular audience.
Practice writing on flip chart paper before the workshop. You may want
to draw lines on the paper (lightly, in pencil) to help you. As well, many of
the flip charts suggested in this course can be prepared ahead of time. The
first page should be set up like this:
o Name of Workshop
o Facilitated by < Your Name>
o Your Organizations Name
For an extra touch, include sheets with the words Courtesy, Participation, and
Confidentiality written on them and post them around the room. You might
also want to add the words Exercises, Role Play, Learning, and Fun.
Have an
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o

emergency kit ready with the following items:


Extra markers
Tape and sticky putty
Adhesive bandages
An extension cord
Safety pins
Tissues
A bottle of water
A fuzzy toy (which can be used for many activities and to spice up
any lecture)

Arrive at least one hour before the start of the session to ensure that:
o Signs are placed directing trainees to your room.
o The classroom is set up as desired.
o You know where washrooms, break facilities, smoking areas, and fire
exits are located.
o You have all necessary resources for the day.
o Materials for the morning are laid out, particularly for the
icebreaker.
o Pens, sticky notes, and scrap paper are placed at every table.
o If you are using a laptop, it should be connected to the projector
and both items should be turned on.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Our Top 10 Training Tips

Although we will provide advice throughout the workshop, there are a few
tips that we think every trainer should know.
1. I always shake hands with each participant and introduce myself
as they come into the classroom. I find that it breaks the ice and sets
the type of friendly atmosphere that is conducive to learning.
2. I always practice before the big day, even if I have delivered the
course beforehand.
3. Bring extra activities with you. I have a list of childrens games that
Ive adjusted for adults.
4. Always have a backup plan! For example, if you plan to use
PowerPoint slides, make sure you have a copy of the Instructor Guide,
which includes the information to be covered.
5. I like to print my instructor guide and place it in a three-ring
binder. I put any customized information in here, plus during the
workshop I make notes about what worked and what didnt. This will be
a resource that you can build on in the future too!
6. Things will go wrong during your workshop. If you are well prepared
and confident, you should be able to resolve most situations quickly
and easily. Try not to let participants see you stressed!
7. Involve participants as much as you can. Have them help you set
the agenda, guide activities (by passing out or collecting forms, for
example), lead discussions, and improve the course. The more
participants put into it, the more they will get out of it.
8. Be ready to learn. I have not yet taught a workshop where I didnt
learn something. Challenge yourself!
9. Tie everything back to the workplace. Its no good knowing
information unless participants know how to use it.
10.
And finally dont be afraid to have fun! I always bring a few
fuzzy toys with me. I use them as a speaking hat during discussions
whoever is speaking has the toy. Plus, it sparks creativity and keeps
participants interested.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Materials Required
o
o
o
o
o
o

Flip chart paper


Markers
Soft ball or object
Scrap paper (Morning icebreaker)
Basket (Morning icebreaker)
Small prizes, if desired (Morning icebreaker)

Related Courses
o Building Your Assertiveness and Self-Esteem Skills
o Communication Strategies
o Conflict Resolution - Getting Along in the Workplace

Additional Resources
If you would like more information on training, Velsoft offers Train-the-Trainer
courses at several different levels. We also like the following books:
o The Trainers Tool Kit, by Cy Charney and Kathy Conway
o Diversity Training, by Cris Wildermuth
o Games that Teach, by Steve Sugar
o Sivasailam Thiagarajans books on games and activities

If you have a favorite resource, please share it with us!

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

AGENDA
8:30-8:45

Icebreaker: Scrap It!

8:45-9:00

Session One: Course Overview

9:00-9:30

Session Two: Conflict as Communication

9:30-9:45

Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation

9:45-10:45

Session Four: Preventing Problems

10:45-11:15

Session Five: Getting Focused

11:15-11:45

Session Six: Dealing with Anger

11:45-12:00

Morning Wrap-Up

12:00-1:00

Lunch

1:00-1:15

Energizer: Tri-Dents

1:15-2:00

Session Seven: Dealing With Problems

2:00-2:30

Session Eight: The Three Step Conflict Resolution


Model

2:30-2:45

Break

2:45-3:15

Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good

3:15-3:45

Session Ten: Changing Yourself

3:45-4:00

Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They Are


Supposed To?

4:00-4:15

Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When Things


Get Ugly

4:15-4:30

Workshop Wrap-Up

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Icebreaker: Scrap It!


(8:30-8:45)
Activity
At each table, stack plenty of scrap paper and provide a small basket. Once
everyone is seated, explain that were going to be dealing with a lot of
information today, and we need to have fresh minds.
Ask everyone to write down at least one thing on their mind; they should
take a new piece of paper for each topic. No one is going to see these, so
they can be as open as they like. After writing each item, they should ball the
piece of paper up and throw it in the basket. (You can provide prizes, such as
small candies, for those who get their paper in the basket.)
Once all the negative thoughts are gone, ask everyone to write down at least
one thing they would like to get from this workshop and tape it to the flip
chart.
Debrief

Now, bring the group back together and combine all the objectives gathered
onto a flip chart. What seems to be the conclusion?

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session One: Course Overview


(8:45-9:00)
Setting the Stage
Introductions
Introduce yourself. Establish credibility by giving examples of training
experience, and your own experiences with todays topic, including some
war stories if you have them.
Give the participants a chance to introduce themselves to you. You will
probably want to know their name, their department, their position title, and
what their interest is in todays topic.
Ground Rules
Ask participants for some ground rules that should be followed during the
course. Record ideas on flip chart paper. After the activity, create a final
version and post them where everyone can see.
Some common ground rules include:
o What we say in this room will stay in this room.
o We can disagree with one another and provide feedback as long as
we do so constructively and respectfully.
o We will all put on our listening hats when someone else is speaking.
o Everyone will participate to the extent that he or she feels
comfortable. You get out of a workshop what you put into it.
o We agree that this is the place to make mistakes and to learn.
o We agree to each be responsible for our own behavior.

Housekeeping Items
Let participants know:
o When the workshop will end
o When breaks and lunch will be
o Where they can find break and restroom facilities
o Where fire exits are and what will happen if there is an emergency
o What the buildings smoking policy is
o How you would like cell phones to be handled, although this should
be agreed upon by all participants
o What the classroom food and drink policy is

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Agenda Review
Present the agenda as a handout, PowerPoint slide, or on flip chart. Review
the topics and the timeline.
Here is how our in-house trainer handles some common concerns.
This looks like a lot of information. Will we be able to cover it all?
Reassure participants that todays timeline is indeed feasible. If issues arise,
promise that you will involve participants in solving the problem, rather than
cutting out topics or breaks autocratically.
Wed rather spend more time on x rather than y. Is that possible?
If it is at all possible, accept suggestions like these. For example, you may be
able to move an activity (particularly discussion activities) from one topic to
another. Make a few minutes before the session to prepare.
I was expecting to discuss _______. Is it included in todays course?
If it is included, reassure participants and let them know when it will be
covered. If its not included, suggest resources or provide additional
information. If you dont have the answers, promise participants that you will
track the information down and get it to them as soon as possible. (Give a
timeline if you can.)

I didnt realize that this course covered_______. Why is it included in


todays course?
This can be a tough one! Usually, I briefly explain the connection and let
participants know more information will be provided when the topic is
covered.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Course Overview
Ask students to turn to Session One in their workbooks. Read the introduction
below.
Workbook Material
We can get into a routine where it feels like everyone we speak with is
either having a bad day, or we are having a bad day ourselves. We feel
like we constantly meet people who seem to be inconsiderate, stubborn,
incorrigible, indecent, miserable, or passive-aggressive. Sometimes we
can be equally awkward ourselves. While it might seem that the easiest
remedy is to lock yourself up at home and avoid people, we eventually
have to pick up the phone or step outside and interact with someone.
Success comes from understanding how we behave, as well as how we
can influence others. If difficult interactions are necessary, and we
approach those conversations with a plan, we will find that we have less
difficult people to deal with. More often than not, we will also have more
meaningful and significant conversations. In this workshop, you will learn
how to turn difficult situations into opportunities for growth.
Learning Objectives
At the end of this workshop, you will be able to:
o Recognize how your own attitudes and actions affect others.
o Find new and effective techniques for dealing with difficult people.
o Learn some techniques for managing and dealing with anger.
o Develop coping strategies for dealing with difficult people and
difficult situations.
Give participants a moment to write down their own learning objectives in
their workbook.
Action Plans and Evaluations

Next, pass out evaluations and action plans. (Both of these items are in the
Handouts folder and the Student Manual.) Ask participants to work on these
throughout the day. They will also have a few minutes at the end of the
workshop to finalize their ideas.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

10

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Two: Conflict as Communication


(9:00-9:30)

Defining Conflict
(15 minutes)

Handy Quotes
Woody Allen, celebrated American entertainer
One of my problems is that I internalize everything. I cant express anger. I
grow a tumor instead.
Understanding Conflict
Conflict is a very normal part of healthy relationships. Its not possible for
everyone to agree about everything all the time, and to do so can squash
creativity and innovation. What is important, then, is to learn how to manage
disagreements so that they do not harm relationships. By learning skills to
manage conflict, you can approach disagreements with confidence that
keeps your personal and professional relationships strong.
Another way to look at dealing with difficult people is to realize that we need
to have conversations about accountability. If you consider that holding
people accountable (i.e., they are taking responsibility for their actions and
results) is a part of your role as a supervisor or at home as a spouse or
parent, then these conversations are a part of life. Holding people
accountable may or may not become a confrontation, but it is necessary
nonetheless. If we avoid these sometimes difficult conversations because we
do not like them, consider for a moment whether or not you are valuing that
person as a contributor at work or home. If you value them, you are more
likely to have these conversations because of your respect for the other
individual. We also have to have these conversations with people we do not
like for the same reasons.

When you are dealing with difficult people whom you also do not like (we all
have people who can rub us the wrong way!), we have an important tip for
you before you enter that important conversation. Find something that you
like about that person, and you will be able to frame the conversation
positively. It doesnt matter what the positive attribute is: they offer good

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

11

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

insight in meetings, they are always on time, they meet deadlines, they bring
great lunches just find SOMETHING that you can connect to positively. We
guarantee that your conversation will be less likely to get off track and
become difficult.
Do We Have To Fight?
People want to be understood and supported. Some of them also want to be
nurtured as they progress through life and along their career path. Conflict
arises from the differences between people; it flares up when people
disagree over something related to their values, motivation, and perception
of things or their ideas. From the outside, these differences can look
insignificant, but from the inside (or the perspective of the people involved in
the conflict) the issues that are at the core of the problem can trigger strong
emotions and are very significant.
If you consider the conflicting need for safety versus the desire to challenge
and take risks (a frequent conflict between young children and their parents),
the conflict becomes readily apparent. The child wants to explore and so the
need to move as quickly as possible on stairs becomes their focus. The
parent is responsible for the childs safety, so they limit the childs access to
the staircase. This limited access becomes the conflict, as the child wants to
explore, and the parent wants to avoid bruises and broken bones.
Whether at home or in the workplace, we have to consider that both parties
needs play an important role in the success of the relationship. Each side
deserves respect and consideration. A lack of understanding can contribute
to arguments, low productivity, and continued disputes. This in turn can lead
to the total breakdown of important relationships.
When you acknowledge the legitimacy of conflict and are willing to examine
issues in a cooperative environment, you can open the door to creative
problem solving, more cohesive teams, and improved relationships.
Developing a method to cope and work through conflict empowers people to
take control of the outcomes and to contribute strongly to effective teams.
What is A Conflict?

o A conflict is more than just a disagreement. A conflict comes with a


threat, and whether the threat is real or not, it must be dealt with in
order for the threatened party to be able to move beyond the
situation.
o Conflicts become more serious when they are ignored. Since
conflicts involve a perceived threat to our own well-being, they stay

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

12

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

with us and they stay with us and often become greater in


magnitude until we resolve them.
o Perception colors our reactions and triggers emotions. This makes it
difficult for us to remain objective, even when we look at the facts.
Our perception is influenced by our life experiences, values, and
beliefs.
o Conflicts trigger our emotional hot buttons. We arent always at our
best when working through conflict because our emotions can
interfere with our ability to remain objective and manage things
rationally. Learning how to manage conflict during emotionally
stable periods helps us to manage conflict more effectively.
o Conflict brings growth. Although we arent often able to
acknowledge it in the heat of things, when we resolve conflict in our
relationships, we are also building trust. In relationships with high
levels of trust, we feel more secure, knowing that our relationship
will survive, and ultimately get even stronger.
How About Avoidance?
You may think that avoidance is a great way to handle conflict, and we would
agree that it is one way to deal with difficult situations. At the same time,
consider what happens if you create a policy or procedure at work that no
one follows, and you dont want to get into a conflict, so you avoid dealing
with it.
Discussion Points
If avoidance was the case in all workplaces, what would happen with
important safety policies? Drug enforcement policies? Sexual harassment
policies?
If no one enforces these policies, despite how difficult it may be and
despite how threatened you may feel when you stick your neck out to
enforce them, things would not improve or be safe in the workplace.
Someone has to enforce these policies.

On the other hand, you may be in a situation where you feel threatened or
somehow unsafe, or you decide that the relationship is not one that you want
to foster, and then walk away. You can reschedule the conversation when
everyones temper has been restored, or you can choose to get some help
(i.e. through mediation, your manager, or an HR specialist) with the situation.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

13

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Self-Assessment
(15 minutes)

Activity Ideas
Ask participants to complete the self-assessment, and then discuss
afterward to see if they have any questions.
Note there is sometimes feedback on Question 4. The truth is that
everyone is motivated, but we can be working with people who are not
motivated to do what we want them to do in the workplace.

This assessment will help you to determine your preferences for involvement
in dealing with difficult people, and taking on those challenging
conversations. Answer each question with yes or no. Scoring directions follow
the assessment.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

14

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

15

Questionnaire
Ye
s
1. Instead of getting into an argument, I put off certain
discussions.
2. When someone doesnt deliver on a promise, I judge them
more quickly than I should.
3. Sometimes I bring up difficult subjects in a way that makes
people defensive.
4. Lets be honest: there are people I deal with who simply
cannot be motivated.
5. When someone is struggling, I tend to offer advice, even
though they may just want to have someone listen to their
ideas.
6. When discussing problems, I sometimes get sidetracked and
miss the actual problem.
7. There are some people I simply cannot work with.
8. Sometimes its not them being difficult, its me.
9. I prefer to just jump in and have the conversation, rather
than spending a lot of time planning for it.
10.
I know that I have to have these conversations, but I do
not have to like them.
Scoring

Add up the number of times you answered yes and have a look at the
explanations below.
o 7-10: This course is perfect for you. Dont let your attention
wander!
o 4-6: Youre in the right place for help, and youre going to learn
some things.
o 1-3: Youre managing well and likely successful in dealing with
difficult people.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

N
o

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

o 0: You ought to be teaching this course! Hopefully youll find a few


helpful gems to enrich your relationship building.
Extra Information

Somebody has to initiate the move to a more positive or constructive


cycle. As the manager/supervisor, you will be the most likely choice in
many situations. Remember, people you encounter may have a low selfimage. This might mean they are uncomfortable with someone who they
perceive as having more power. That can contribute to feelings of
mistrust, or make people behave in what we perceive as a difficult
manner. They may view decision-making as a personal threat, and prefer
to be led rather than make a decision.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

16

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Three: Benefits of Confrontation


(9:30-9:45)
To Talk or Not to Talk
In deciding whether you want to proceed with a difficult conversation, there
are some things to consider. If this relationship is important to you, then it
makes sense that the conversation takes place. But not every conversation is
necessary. Is it worth tracking someone down and having a confrontation
when they cut you off in traffic? The person who interrupts you in a meeting
but has never done so before, and probably never would again?
Determining Your Involvement
In order to decide whether you need to deal with a difficult person or not, ask
yourself the following questions:
o Is this person important to me?
o Is this relationship important to me?
o Has this happened before?
o Does this bother me or other people?
o Can I invest my time?
If you answer no to any of the five questions, we recommend that you
remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently.
Reciprocal Relationships
Interpersonal relationships have a reciprocal nature. When we invite
colleagues to meetings or remember their birthdays, they tend to do the
same for us. When we invite a colleague to a function, they tend to invite us
in return.
The way that our relationships unfold reflects this reciprocal nature. If we
engage in small talk, others do the same. If we are not fond of small talk and
do not enter into it willingly, people will stop trying to engage us that way.

Considering this same principle, if we continually try to engage people in


negative ways, we can predict the results. Think of yourself in terms of some
of your work relationships. Do people come to you on their own? Do you
make them feel welcome to speak with you?

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

17

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Discussion Points
Workbook and Slide Material
Ask participants to think of their difficult person who they identified in
their pre-assignment. Discuss these questions:
o How do they approach you?
o How do you approach them?
o In terms of a reciprocal relationship, what kind of expectations do
they have in interactions with you?
o What could you do to improve that relationship?
Another point to ponder: How do you think we can achieve better results
or performance from our employees, clients or colleagues?

Some ideas:
o Expect more and you get more, especially if you are clear about
what your expectations are at the outset.
o Offer sincere praise and/or thanks for things that people do well.
o Be aware of and act on destructive cycles in your conversations
with clients. Be accountable for making a break from that cycle.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

18

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Four: Preventing Problems


(9:45-10:45)

Overview
(15 minutes)
The Importance of Empathy
We can do a lot to keep problems from happening in the first place. If you
develop your empathizing skills, you can put yourself in the other persons
shoes even though you do not have to agree with them. If you are practicing
being empathetic (and we recommend that you do) you should avoid
phrases like, I agree or, Yes, thats true. Dont reinforce a concern, either.
You can simply express your empathy by rephrasing the key topic of the
persons statement.
Some phrases you might use include:
o "I hear
o "I understand"
o "I think you're saying"
The concept of rephrasing before answering gives you:
o A chance to empathize with the concerns
o An opportunity to show the person that you understand the concern
o A moment to think of an appropriate response
Its also important to check to be sure the individual is satisfied with your
level of understanding or your explanation. Your ability to empathize will play
an important role in your overall communication skills and your ability to
foster a positive and productive environment.
Dangerous Misconceptions

Although we believe that we are being clear when we speak, were not
always being as efficient as we think. Here are some important
misconceptions for you to keep in mind when you are having a conversation:
o People always pay attention when you are speaking to them.
o When people say they are paying attention, they really are.
o When someone says "I know", they really do.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

19

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

o Saying something over and over will ensure that your listener
understands.
o Saying something over and over, slowly or loudly, will be even more
effective.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

20

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Group Discussion
(15 minutes)
Activity Ideas
Divide the class up into small groups. Ask them to brainstorm additional
methods of preventing problems that they have found successful.

Break
(15 minutes)

Debrief
(15 minutes)

Bring participants back together and have them share their ideas. We have
included some talking points on the next page.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

21

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Discussion Points
Slide Material
Look at non-verbal communication.
Refusing eye contact, red face, clenched hands, and arms crossed can all
indicate negative feelings.
Reading between the lines.
This is more difficult. We have to listen to what the person isnt saying as
well as what they are saying. Do they sound angry, defensive, or put
upon? Are they refusing to give an opinion or take action to correct things?
Do you sense a reluctance to do something or confusion over what the
person is to do?
Probing
Probing is a helpful form of open questioning that can lead you to a deeper
level of understanding within your conversations. One of the most
common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:
o Can you describe that with more details for me?
o Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?
o What do you think we should do?
The difficulty here is that if you ask too many probing questions, the other
person begins to feel like they are being interrogated. Be careful with what
you ask and how you ask it.
A second, very effective way of probing is to simply pause. Stop talking.
People often do not like silences and will invariably speak up to fill the
silence.
A third way is to ask a reflective question. For example, the person has
just said, What I really want is more variety in my work, and you may
respond by just reflecting back to them, Variety? The reflective question
usually provides you with an expanded answer without you appearing to
ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in conjunction with a pause.
A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you are clear
about what the individual has said is paraphrasing what has just been
said, in your own words. Example: So if I understand you correctly, you

The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is


the summary question. Example: You have tried ignoring the scent of
your colleagues cologne, you have talked with him about how it affects
your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent
from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking
me to intervene. Have I got it right?

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

22

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Five: Getting Focused


(10:45-11:15)

Getting to the Heart of the Matter


(15 minutes)
Despite our best efforts and our good use of management techniques, our
attempts can seem to be for nothing. Behaviors we thought we had
influenced positively (or corrected altogether) can regress.
For example, you might have spoken with an employee about some belowpar behavior: perhaps they are always late for work, despite the fact that
they are supposed to be answering phones and greeting visitors promptly at
9:00 a.m. Youve spoken with the employee, and although this will lead to
improved behavior for a few days, he always slips back to being late. Youve
asked your human resources consultant to suspend the employee, and they
have indicated that punishment is too harsh, despite your record keeping
that shows how often and how bad this behavior is.
Youve been braver than plenty of workplace leaders because you have
discussed the problem with the employee and with HR. But somehow, the
behavior continues, and you get a sense that you are not doing enough.
Whats Missing?
You arent getting to the heart of the problem. Its not enough to tell the
individual that they are breaking the rules, or that a colleague has to cover
their tasks when they are late. If it were enough, the behavior would stop.
Ask yourself what is really bothering you to get at what is really bothering
them. Often the behavior touches a nerve that is much more personal. For
example, if I hired the receptionist because he was the son of a friend, and I
felt that he was taking advantage of my relationship with him and his
parents by not caring about the schedule, thats at a much deeper level than
just the rules that are being broken.

If the person is perpetually late because they do not set their alarm (and get
up to it) because they really do not care about their job, or they feel
underutilized, or they are being bullied by a co-worker and cannot drag
themselves into the office, then we are getting at the root of the real
problem.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

23

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

If, as leaders, we are content to only deal with the surface issues, and we are
afraid to dig and get at the deeper issues, we will not create a better
workplace. We simply scrape the moss off of the surface, only to have it to
grow back later.
The ability to peel an infraction back to its core takes patience and precision.
Sometimes we dont do this because it can take time to uncover the real
problem. We can often find ourselves in too much of a hurry to do this
properly. At other times, our emotions get involved and we make the decision
that we really dont want to go there, because well also have to deal with
what is bothering us.

If you dont stop to think about the big picture, youll end up either missing
the problem, or going after too many problems at once. To stop yourself from
being over-involved, you must be able to state the problem in a single
sentence. If you make it longer, your conversation will lose focus as soon as
it starts.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

24

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

The Three Fs
(15 minutes)
To get to the heart of the problem, evaluate the 3 Fs: facts, frequency, and
frustrated relationship.
Facts
What are the facts of the issue? Create a list so that you do not get
sidetracked while you plan your conversation. Dont drag in other stories or
unrelated issues that have happened previously. If you are talking to
someone about tardiness, then stick to that and leave things like poor report
writing, gossiping, or not taking care of equipment out of the conversation.
Frequency
Make sure you have a very clear history of the frequency of the issue. In this
case, how often is the individual late? How late are they?
Describe the pattern like this: This is the second time that Ive called this to
your attention. You agreed it would not happen again. Now I am concerned
that I cannot trust you to keep a promise.
Revealing that you notice a pattern brings the history to the forefront. The
history is important because repeated frequency erodes your trust.
Frustrated Relationship
If your real concern is about the relationship, but you only focus on the
pattern, then you are not likely to get the change that you are aiming for. You
have to discuss what is important to you in terms of the relationship. Explain
that when they repeatedly ignore your expectations to be on time, they
arent just demonstrating a lack of commitment to the job. They are eroding
your trust in them, your trust in their ability to do their job, and the
possibility of being trusted with assignments in the future.

Comments like the following can be helpful:


o I feel like I cannot trust you to get the work done.
o I feel like I am constantly nagging you and I dont like to do that.
o I feel like I cant trust you to keep the commitments you make.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

25

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Six: Managing Anger


(11:15-11:45)

Coping Strategies
(15 minutes)
Too many people are angry. Workplace violence is an extreme example, but
there are examples everywhere. Even without violence, every day we hear of
managers and co-workers who are mad at each other, their co-workers, their
employees, their bosses, their customers, the company, and the world itself.
Anger interferes with teamwork and productivity. It also contributes to an
environment that is negative, hostile, and frightening.
Companies face legal pressures to prevent this type of environment. From
employees points of view, anger takes the fun out of work. Because anger is
a natural emotion, it would be unrealistic to ask people not to feel it. Instead,
the goal is to help (and sometimes, require) that people deal with their anger
appropriately.
Problems dont come from anger. Problems come from the negative ways
people express anger.
Activity Ideas
Slide and Workbook Material
Ask the group: How can we manage our own anger?
Some possible answers may include:
o Express feelings appropriately and skillfully
o Release your physical tension
o Analyze whats going on
o Address your fears
o Put yourself in charge of you
o Use your emotions effectively
o Approach the situation logically

And remember:
o Dont accuse others of making you angry
o Dont preach at others when you are angry
o Dont bring up past grievances when you are trying to fight fair

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

26

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Dealing with Other Peoples Anger

As you prepare for conversations, and if you find yourself in an angry


encounter, use these tips to help you.
o Use positive self talk.
o Check your body language.
o Acknowledge the other persons feelings.
o Share your own feelings and fears (carefully, of course).
o Show that you are listening.
o Make a conciliatory gesture.
o Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently (like a
broken record).
o When trying to work with hostile colleagues, keep in mind that their
self-esteem may be in the dumps. Sincerely compliment them
whenever possible. Avoid arguing with them, even though thats
often what they want. Sometimes the challenge is preventing an
exchange from escalating into anger.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

27

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Guidelines for Assertive Anger


(15 minutes)
We know that you wont have this list handy during an encounter, so we
encourage you to read through this information several times to lock it into
your memory. Talk about the tips provided here to others, modify them to
work for you and to match your natural style of speaking with people, and
speak with your colleagues about them so that you can remember and apply
them when needed.
Start Positively
o For example: I want to let you know how I am feeling because I
believe that it will clear the air between us.
o You could share an appreciation, but make sure it is sincere. Over
the past year, I have really enjoyed working with you. However, Ive
noticed that lately
Be Direct
o Use the first person point of view and say, Im feeling
irritated/annoyed/angry.
o Dont distance yourself from your feelings with impersonal, thirdperson statements and generalizations such as, When people
or, It can be annoying when...
o Use I messages instead.
Specify the Degree of Anger
o This can vary from, Ive been getting slightly irritated, to, My fury
is reaching the boiling point.
o Giving this information often helps the other person listen more
carefully.
o If you just say, I am angry with you, you may unnecessarily freeze
the other person with fright or prompt them into aggressive
defensive behavior.
Dont Accuse Others of Making You Angry

o Remember that your irritation might be my pleasure!

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

28

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

o No one has the power to make us feel anything. So instead of


saying, You make me feel angry, say, I get angry when you

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

29

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Share Your Feelings of Threat and Fear


o For example: Im frightened of saying this to you because you may
think I am being very petty or you may reject me/fire me/ hit me,
but
o This will help you to feel more in control of your feelings and may
get you some welcome and helpful reassurance. (For example, they
may respond with, No, I promise that I will try and listen to what
you have to say without walking away or punishing you.)
Acknowledge Your Responsibility
o Tell the other person what part you see yourself playing in the
situation.
o Examples:
o I appreciate that I should have said something earlier.
o I am the kind of person who has very high standards.
o I may be overreacting because I am managing a lot of
deadlines right now.
Avoid Self-Put Downs or Invitations to Criticism or Retaliatory
Anger
o Dont say things like:
o I know that Im a bit of a nag
o Im over-sensitive.
o Im too soft.
o Youll probably scream at me/want to kill me when I tell
you
o You could be putting unhelpful and inflammatory ideas into
otherwise quite amenable heads!
Self-Protective Techniques to Block Criticism

Criticism is one of the chief weapons of an angry person. Often it is used


indiscriminately and is well off target. However, you can learn to cope with
this behavior. In order to protect yourself, stop the flow, and keep criticism
from escalating, use these techniques.
o The broken record: You keep repeating more or less the same
statement over and over again, in a calm, controlled voice.
o Fogging: Agree that there may be some truth in what the person is
saying.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

30

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

o Negative assertion: Simply, calmly agree with your critic using a


serious, matter of fact tone of voice, without adding any put downs
or unnecessary justifications.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

31

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Morning Wrap-Up
(11:45-12:00)
Use the last fifteen minutes to answer remaining questions. Key points of the
morning included:
o Defining conflict
o Benefits of walking away versus dealing with the confrontation
o Managing anger
o How to prevent problems
o How to approach a conflict in a focused, calm manner

Lunch
(12:00-1:00)

Energizer: Tri-Dents
(1:00-1:15)

Working in small groups of four or five, participants will create three-word


sentences that capture what they have learned this morning or what new
perspectives (angles) they have acquired since the session began and what
new dents have been made on their gray matter. No special equipment is
needed other than paper and pencils. If flip charts are available, groups can
use them to record their favorite try-angles.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

32

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Seven: Dealing with Problems


(1:15-2:00)

Dealing with Problems


(15 minutes)
Sometimes we are so busy with other things that we dont see (or dont want
to see) a problem that is growing. When it explodes, it can catch us
broadside. Has that ever happened to you? What do you do?
Lets take a look at some suggestions and see if we can make sense of them.
o Assess the situation
o Meet the difficult behavior head-on
o Stay calm and objective
o Be up-front
o Make it a two-way conversation
o Put yourself in their place
o Be flexible
o Be tolerant
Activity Ideas

Divide the class up into eight groups. Assign each a suggestion. Ask them
to define what we mean and why the suggestion is important. Theyll need
to work quickly, so keep them focused!

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

33

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Debrief
(15 minutes)

Bring the group back together and see what everyone came up with. We
have included some talking points below.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

34

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Discussion Points
Assess the situation.
Think before you act. Get all the facts and start with a plan, even if it is
sketchy.
Meet the difficult behavior head-on.
Dont bury your head in the sand. This has happened and you must deal
with it.
Stay calm and objective.
Getting emotional will only make matters worse and you may say things
youll regret. Watch for words like but, never, always, and should. There is
no point in waving a red flag in anyones face. Those kinds of words can
inflame the situation rather than contribute to problem solving.
Be upfront with the individual.
The longer you wait, the more difficult things become. Say what needs to
be said.
Make this a two-way conversation.
Make sure that the other individual gets a chance to have their say as
well. Give them that chance earlier rather than later. Then you may have
more facts. They may even say some of the things you wanted to say, but
felt uncomfortable saying.
Try to put yourself in their place and look at the situation from
their point of view.
You need to put yourself in their shoes to see how they are looking at the
problem and to have any chance of understanding it, let alone resolving it.
Flexibility.
This is a useful tool, so use it! Treat this as a learning experience and
accept that this conflict may change the way you see or do things. Thats
okay.
Be tolerant
What a dull world it would be if we were all the same! It may not be your
way, but that doesnt make it a wrong way.

Causes of Difficult Behavior

(15 minutes)

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

35

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

There are no simple answers about the causes of difficult behavior, because
we human beings can be very complicated. We do know that some causes
include fear (of failure, humiliation, losing power, and/or rejection) and poor
self-esteem. If you add people who are working with drug or addiction issues,
illness (theirs or someone elses), as well as some people having limited
coping skills, we start to get a good idea of what can provoke difficult
behavior. Sometimes, of course, youll run into a combination of factors.
Discussion Points
Ask participants: Can you think of any other causes of difficult behavior?
Some things that drive one person crazy may not bother another person
at all. From this, we may be able to draw another conclusion: that each of
us is quite likely a difficult person for others at times.
What are the characteristics of others that make them difficult for us to
deal with? Put the list on the flip chart as participants suggest them. Some
ideas:
o They are negative
o They whine
o They say hurtful things
What are the weapons they use against us? Anger? Tears? Silence?
Others? Put this list on flip chart also.
The old 80/20 rule (Paretos Rule) says that 80% of our problems will come
from 20% of our employees or our clients. Would you agree with this,
disagree, or have something to share? Record these ideas on the flip
chart.
Encourage participants to reflect on these lists and think about how this
information can help them deal with difficult situations.
Slide and Workbook Material

The questions asked are included on the slides and in the workbook.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

36

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Eight: The Three-Step Conflict Resolution


Model
(2:00-2:30)

The Three-Step Model


(15 minutes)
There are lots of models that can help us deal with difficult people and the
conversations that come with them. They range from about three to eight
steps, and our in-house trainer has scrutinized the best of them for you.
Weve found that you can be successful with any of the models provided that
you apply all of the steps consistently. Leaving out steps can cause the
conversations or the action plan to go off track.

Step 1: Research
We have covered the elements for Step One in Session Five.

Step 2: Presentation

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

37

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

This is where you will invite your difficult person into a conversation. In doing
so, it is important to create a safe zone for the conversation to take place. A
safe zone is a place where other people cannot eavesdrop on your
conversation. (Tip: Use a meeting room if you do not have an office.) It is also
a zone where you, as host, need to feel safe. If history says that this
individual is unpredictable, you may want to have an HR consultant or union
representative present.
It is important that any guests to the meeting are there to simply observe
and take notes, and that the conversation is between only you and your
difficult person if possible.
The safe zone is also about trust and respect. If there is no mutual respect
between you and your difficult person, you may have to take time to
establish a few rules at the beginning of the meeting. For example, We will
control our tempers and language during the conversation, means that you
start with an agreement to treat each other respectfully.
Next, you describe the behavior gap using the facts, frequency, and
frustrated relationship language that you learned in Step 1.
Finally, you must make it easy. This may seem like a Zen statement and
also bother some of you, but it is also the sign of a very competent leader.
Make the conversation easy on them and make it easy for them to comply
with your requests. If there are barriers to the difficult person improving,
your job is to remove those barriers. If they are having trouble getting
motivated, your job is to help them find the motivation within and work with
it.
There is nothing helpful or noble if you make things harder for people, so
take this step seriously. (Youll see that it works great with teenagers, too, if
you happen to have any!) Explore the barriers together. Ask the individual
what they think they can do and what is possible. Dont follow your natural
tendency to tell them what to do or to give tasks they dont want to someone
else. The work still has to be done. Your role is to enable them to do it, and
do it to the best of their ability.
Step 3: Take Action

In order to make sure the gap raised in your conversation gets dealt with,
you will need to create an action plan. These action plans are no good
without the difficult persons agreement to deliver. Youll also need to set up
a follow up timetable (daily, weekly, or monthly check-ins) to make sure they
have what they need and can deliver.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

38

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

If the action plan is not followed to the letter, then youll know that it is time
to take things to the next level. This might mean that you must start careeraltering conversations with your difficult person. Those second-level
conversations are rarely needed when you determine that your action plan is
appropriate and that you and the difficult person had the tools to succeed.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

39

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Getting the Hang of Things


(15 minutes)
Discussion Points
Activity Ideas
Allow participants about five minutes to read through the model
information in their workbooks. Ask if there are any questions before you
move on and they get some practice.
After they have had five minutes or so to review, ask participants to pull
out their pre-assignment and consider their difficult person. Have them
start to put together a plan that will allow them to have this conversation.
Give them ten minutes to prepare. Circulate to offer feedback as they
complete the exercise.
Workbook Material
There is space in the workbook for participants to record their ideas.

Break

(2:30-2:45)

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

40

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Nine: Practice Makes Pretty Good


(2:45-3:15)

Planning
(15 minutes)
Activity Ideas
Slide Material
Have students work with their pre-assignment and map out the
circumstances using the three-step model. If they do not have an actual
example, encourage them to select someone they dont actually have to
deal with, an example at home, or create something entirely fictional. Its
the process that is important here, and we want them to experience it.
Workbook Material

There is space in the workbook for participants to record their ideas.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

41

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Practice
(15 minutes)
Activity Ideas
Have participants find a partner (someone they have not worked with yet)
and present their plan on how they will deal with a specific, difficult
person. Do not let them speak in general or third party terms: they need
to be applying the steps to a very specific example, and only make up the
research facts that they may not know at this time.
They can each role play their example for their partner. Each person
should offer feedback on statements they make, how they handle
describing the behavior gap, etc.
If time allows and there is a pair working very well, have them
demonstrate their role play to the class.
Workbook Material

There is space in the workbook for participants to record feedback given


and received.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

42

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Ten: Changing Yourself


(3:15-3:45)

Negative vs. Positive Interactions


(15 minutes)
Deep down, we already know that we cannot change other people.
Fortunately, we do have control over our own thoughts, and we can change
our reactions to other people to help improve those relationships. We also
have the ability to influence other peoples behavior by reinforcing the
behaviors we want repeated, and ignoring the ones that we dont want
repeated.
Negative Interaction
Do you ever experience negative interactions and wish that you were
somewhere else?
o Manager: Why can you never do the invoices the way I want them
done?
o Bookkeeper: Because you keep changing your mind about how you
want them done.
o Manager: No, its because you dont listen to me.
Positive Interaction

Take the reins and change the cycle!


o Manager: Can you tell me why these invoices arent showing a due
date on them?
o Bookkeeper: Because you keep changing your mind about how you
want them done, and I wasnt sure what you wanted.
o Manager (Option One): I hadnt realized Id been sending you
mixed messages. What are the contradictory instructions Ive given
you?
o Manager (Option Two): When that happens, Id like you to feel free
to ask me and to get some clarification. Then youll know what to
do, and I will be happy with the invoices.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

43

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Handy Quotes
Unknown
If it is to be, its up to me.
You are the one in the best position to change a negative cycle to a positive
one, and youll find it an easier task when you start with a plan. Our spur of
the moment reactions often dont work out that well. You can use the threestep process as a guide any time you have a tough meeting coming up with
an employee or with a client.
Weve also got to be realistic. There is an old expression that says the best
laid plans of mice and men (and managers) do not all turn out as well as
wed like.
Discussion Points
o When should you call for a time out? Answers might include when
you are getting emotional, when you have been asked a tough
question for which you arent prepared, or when the other person
is emotional or unprepared.
o When should you walk away from a conversation, or when should
you decide enough is enough when you are considering
employee performance?
o Does this organization need a policy for dealing with those
difficult people who heap verbal abuse on people, or do you have
one already? If you have one already, is it used properly?
Slide and Workbook Material

The questions asked are included on the slides and in the workbook.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

44

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Dealing with Negative Feelings


(15 minutes)
Put yourself in charge of you.
Take a leaf out of Eleanor Roosevelts book and refuse to beat up on yourself
or make yourself a victim in these situations.
Be proactive rather than reactive: notice what is going on around you, and
when possible deal with potential problems right away. (For example, you
can plan team meetings to ensure issues are addressed before they
explode.)
Monitor your self-talk.
Become more aware of what you tell yourself both before and after dealing
with a difficult situation. Remember the reality of how what we tell ourselves
comes true, whether those messages are positive or negative.
Be in control.
Plan how you will handle the situation and visualize yourself feeling in
control. After a situation has been handled, analyze it, learn from it, and then
put it aside.
If you still feel angry after you have dealt with a situation, use that anger
constructively to clean your office, or let it propel you out the door for a walk.
Work on your sense of humor.
Research tells us that laughter is a proven method for dispelling stress and
feeling better about the world. If things are getting heavy for you right now
and you cant find much to laugh about, try renting a comedy or watching
your favorite comedian.
Have a support team.

One of the most important things that you can do to deal with your negative
feelings is to have a support group people you can go to and just talk about
how you feel. In your organization, do you feel you have that kind of support?

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

45

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Do all staff have that kind of support? (This is very different from gossiping;
confidentiality is a big factor here.)

However great your support system is at home, others will rarely be able to
understand just how you feel as well as someone who is working within the
same culture and walking in a similar pair of shoes. Part of your action plan
for the end of today may be to work with others to create a safe haven (a
partner or confidante or some other support mechanism) where you can let
off steam and pent up emotion.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

46

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Eleven: Why Dont People Do What They


Are Supposed To?
(3:45-4:00)
How many times have you thought or said, Why cant you just do what
youre supposed to? Heres a list of possible answers to your question:
o They didnt know why they should do it
o They didnt know when to begin and end it.
o They didnt know what they were supposed to do.
o They didnt know how to do it.
o They thought they were doing it.
o They thought your way wouldnt work or that their way was best.
o They thought something else was more important.
o They arent rewarded for doing it, or they arent punished for not
doing it.
o They are rewarded for not doing it, or they are punished for doing it.
o They didnt think they could do it.
While this list was originally compiled by a survey conducted with 4,000
employees and managers with various occupations in a wide variety of
industries, the results are borne out repeatedly through repeated surveys
and employee engagement data.
(Source: Ferdinand F. Fournies, Why Employees Dont Do What Theyre
Supposed to Do and What to Do About It)
Discussion Points
Ask the group if there are other points that they would add to this list.
Some of the culprits that contribute to these results include companies
that do not do regular performance reviews, and those that do not have
job descriptions or expectations clearly shared with staff.

Remember that everyone is motivated, but that each of us are motivated by


things that have value to us personally. This means some of the people your
work with may be motivated by the same things that you are, but other
people wont be.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

47

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Session Twelve: De-Stress Options to Use When


Things Get Ugly
(4:00-4:15)
Belly Breathing
Loosen your clothes, close your eyes, mentally relax your body, and take ten
or more deep breaths. Each time you exhale, count silently: one, after the
first breath, two, after the second breath, etc., up to at least ten. If you
lose count, or find yourself working on thoughts as they pass through your
mind, start your count over again. When you are finished, you should feel
more calm and relaxed. (Your blood pressure will go down temporarily, too.)
Visualize
Use positive imagery to boost your confidence. Couple this with positive
language for even better results. Use positive imagery and self-talk to see
yourself performing well at whatever challenge you are having. Negative
words and images can become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Music
Music has the power to soothe or to give us energy. It also has healing power.
Find a type of music that relaxes you, and play it when you need to calm
down. When you feel tired and listless, play some rousing music (rather than
drinking caffeine), to give you a pick up.
Acupressure and Massage
Holding a fingertip to the point of most pain or tension and pressing very
hard into the offending muscle for up to a minute can avert a headache or
relieve tension. Have a friend or spouse learn how to do massage therapy
and/or acupressure on tense muscles, since daily treatment is better than
once or twice a month.
If no one at home is available to help, have a look at your benefits plan.
Many plans include this type of treatment because they realize the long term
benefits that are gained in terms of wellness.

Laughter

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

48

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Laugher is the best medicine of all. A good belly laugh can lower blood
pressure, slow your adrenaline, and reverse the stomach acid that comes
with negative responses. Be on the lookout for jokes and cartoons you can
share with family and friends. During a meeting with your difficult person,
you may find that humor helps to defuse the situation; laugh at yourself (not
the other person, which is insulting).
General Coping Thoughts When Things Get Messy

o Take a deep breath and relax.


o Tell yourself that getting upset wont help. Tell yourself repeatedly if
it doesnt work the first time. The broken record technique works on
you, too.
o Remind yourself that just as long as you keep your cool, youre in
control.
o Im not going to let their get to me.
o I cant change them with anger; Ill just upset myself.
o I can find a way to say what I want to without anger.
o Stay calm no sarcasm, no attacks, no judgments.
o I can stay calm and relaxed.
o No one is right, no one is wrong. We just have different needs.
o No matter what is said, I know Im a good person.
o Ill stay rational; anger wont solve anything.
o Let them look all foolish and upset. I can stay cool and calm.
o Their opinion isnt important. I wont be pushed into losing my cool.
o Take a time-out. Cool off, then come back and deal with it.
o Some situations dont have good solutions. Looks like this is one of
them. No use getting all bent out of shape about it.
o Its just a hassle. Nothing more, nothing less. I can cope with
hassles.
o Im getting better at this anger management stuff.
o I got angry, but kept the lid on saying things Id regret. Thats
progress.
o If they want me to get angry, Im going to disappoint them.
o I cant expect people to act the way I want them to.
o I dont have to take this so seriously.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

49

Conflict Resolution Dealing With Difficult People

Workshop Wrap-Up
(4:15-4:30)
Take the last fifteen minutes for a quick review and to answer any questions
the class may have.
In closing:
o Dealing with difficult people can seem very daunting, but hopefully
the model that we have learned today, combined with some very
clear actions that you can take, will help those times to be less
difficult.
o Using these techniques and getting comfortable with them will
mean that you are developing stronger communication skills, that
your own expectations are clearly stated, and that you will have less
of these difficult conversations in your future.
This is also a good time to help participants wrap up their action plans,
collect evaluations, and to pass out certificates.
Trainers Tip

If you havent provided students with the Student Manual, print out the
Recommended Reading List and give it to participants as a bonus.

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

50

You might also like