special snowflake edition

The Underground
the Mezzbians' only hip and edgy newspaper

Time sure does fly by, doesn't it? One day, you're casually
browsing the shelves of Sodomy Barn, flicking through the
latest issue of 'The Yellowest of Blues' and cooking a nice
wholesome dinner of biscuits and rape. Next thing you know, 3
years have passed, Hipster Runoff has shut down, Bastille has
become an actual band and there's a new sexy politician in
town going by the name Ed Millband. How's a millennial to
make sense of this strange world? With The Underground,
that's how. The new two column format is symbolic of the
change we have all experienced. Welcome back babes. --The
Chaz

Social justice also got a huge boost thanks to sites like

Tumblr allowing for people to come together and share
their experiences. But of course, that was way too good
to be true Tumblr has now turned into a parody of itself
where you cant log in without being asked to add a
trigger warning to your existence and also maybe check
your privilege. Instagram has helped make us all feel
worse about as we convince ourselves that all people
seem to do is wear lycra, drink smoothies and bake.
I could go on. And I would if our editor didnt decide that
this was going to be a one-off edition. But thats none of

Reminiscence

my business. - Amin0 Fagtari

When I look back over the past three years, I often find

If you hadn't been paying attention for the past 3 years, now

myself thinking of that Bastille song Pompeii, especially

you know what you missed!

with the line Oh where do we begin. The rubble or our

sins. Because quite frankly where do we begin. Here I was

Just Ram A Peach Up There

thinking the days of The Underground and my rage-fuelled

rants were left in 2012.

Apologies that this isnt really an article as such, (if you

can really call any of the tripe published here articles

But its 2015 and this parody of a magazine (sometimes it

[editor's note: you can't] ) but with the general election

even parodies itself!) is back! Three years on, we have

coming up, I for one am REALLY disappointed that I

moved on from REM-statement titles, generous use of the

haven't seen much of this truly classic political meme

word fag and Clameron fanfics whatever they were (Ill

from the golden age of 2010.

be honest, I only ever read the articles I wrote for the

Underground).
Whats changed? You ask. So much and yet so little.
With the birth of sites like Buzzfeed and Pinterest, the
decline of our attention spans and the rise of basic
bitches was sure to occur. We now revel in sending 10second snaps of our every dull move on Snapchat and
expect a response applauding us for being edgy enough to
have tea and cake!

Food for thought!

Longtime readers of the Underground (aka most of you)

for the #milifandom all the way!!! Good to see more

may well remember that the 2010 election was a pretty

teens caring about the future of the country :D - Kat0nk.

embarrassing year for me, as it was the year I developed a

gargantuan crush on Nick Clegg and sort of unironically

I'm slightly concerned this is an elaborate parody of my

got really into reading Clameron fanfiction and other

earnest political rants from the original issues.

political slash, the most interesting/disturbing one being

one where David Cameron and Gordon Brown had to

Thought For The Week

compete over who could give Clegg the best blowjob in

I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin',

exchange for forming a coalition government with them.

It was thanks to 2010 gay politician porn that I learned

but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.

what watersports meant and what Nick Cleggs

- Orgazmo (1994)

favourite type of biscuits were. And, perhaps unwittingly, I

learned a lot about politics!

Shani's Obsessions

With this in mind, I cant help but feel a bit nostalgic when

A few weeks ago I attended a Drink and Canap

I see the growth of this new and exciting #milifandom.

Reception (whatever that is) at the law firm I am going to

For those not in the know (why are you all living under

be working at. I was obviously anxious because corporate

such rocks??????), this is the growing group of teenage girls

professionals for some reason do not like to rank male

with an extreme obsession with Ed Miliband. The medias

celebrities in order of eligibility or admit to having

been treating them like a bit of a joke but, in all honesty,

Google Alerts for James Franco. I was going to have to

after following a few of the milifandon ringleaders on

conceal my craziness so that they would accept me as

twitter I can honestly say that they seem to have decent

one of their own. It was going swimmingly well as I made

heads on their shoulders and their interest in him totally

pleasant conversation with the snazzy law folk. But my

comes from an interest in the world of politics! Theyre

secret was just dying to be revealed. A current trainee

certainly a hell of a lot less embarrassing than I was when

asked me what I planned to do after law school and I

I was swooning over Nick Clegg and imagining him

replied that I would like to see a few ATP tennis matches.

fucking David Cameron in the butt behind the doors of

He laughed hysterically and said, As if the male tennis

Number 10.

professionals dont already have a restraining order

against you!

What we can learn from this is, basically, that the media
needs to stop making fun of teenage girls when they try

Several things about his remark alarmed me. Firstly, I had

to engage with politics in their own language. Or, you

only previously met him during a two week internship

know, whenever they do anything, Sure, they think hes

over Christmas. How in the space of one fortnight had he

attractive and all and arent above making some Hot

learned the full extent my stalking habits? Secondly, I do

Gifsets of him on tumblr, but I dont think this makes

not stalk all male tennis players. My affections are

them stupid! Its sort of a shame that whenever

exclusively directed at Rafael Nadal and occasionally Jo-

something becomes popular with teenage girls we all feel

Wilfred Tsongaand sometimes a few others. Finally,

like we need to make fun of it, sort of like how people all

everyone who was part of that conversation now knows

hate on One Direction when in every interview they

that I am a creep. And I was doing such a good job at

seem like a perfectly nice bunch of dudes. And like, Harry

pretending to not be a creep.

Styles IS really cute so I dont see what the big deal is!
I thought this meant that my future career was already
As a card-carrying hippy / communist / degenerate Im

over and I was not fit to be a professional working gal. I

going to be voting Green this election, but support

was wrong.

Lara Croft Chic

Apparently a bit of crazy fan-girl behaviour is quite
endearing to some people. My love of tennis(players) has

Arguing on the internet has led me to strange places

led future male colleagues to believe that I am a sports

before, but the events of last week put them all to shame.

enthusiast and thus one of the lads. Similarly involuntarily

It all started when I posted a link on Twitter to some

shrieking OMG Dancing in the Moonlight by Toploader is

article about bad male fashion with the caption "trigger

such an ace song! in front of a group of partners doesnt

warning: flannel". I thought this was quite witty (har har!)

reveal what a lunatic you are but shows that you are

but soon enough, one of my followers took offence and

capable of feeling passion and excitement. So all in all it

told me to check my privilege. "Uhm, can we not make

seems that being an obsessive creep is in fact a very

fun of trigger warnings??" she tweeted.

beneficial trait. - Shani

This was the breaking point. I try to care about social
Our beloved fangirl is all grown up!

justice, but it's not really in my nature to be like that. I'm

just not a decent human being. Being surrounded by

Game Review

goody-goody nice people telling me to care about

random shit was making me feel bad. There was one

Imagine buying the latest instalment of a game series you

solution: to surround myself with people who give even

adored and finding that it had stripped the game of all its

less of a shit about social justice than I did - actual

noteworthing, interesting or fun features. Imagine it being

conservatives.

full of random glitches and game-breaking bugs! And

imagine it costing you around 50, with more expansion

At this point came a problem; I didn't know anyone

packs to come.

conservative. Luckily, I go to this old, stuffy university

overrun with them, who I usually go out of my way to

What Im really saying here is not to buy the Sims 4, its a

avoid. For the first time in three years, I would make an

shitty waste of your money and doesnt even have Ripp

effort to talk to them. I found a list of societies and tried

Grunt in it OR alien abductions that leave your male sims

to find the stuffiest, most insane aristocratic one that I

pregnant with grotesque alien-hybrid babies so whats the

could tolerate. 'Cheese Tasting Club'. I hate food, so no.

point?????

'Investment Society'? Too boring. 'Cambridge Revolver and

Pistol Society'? Now we're talking.

Instead, every one of the Undergrounds readers should

immediately download a copy of the Sims 2, which is now

Their website was full of pictures of guys in blue dinner

unsupported by EA Games and therefore free of its

jackets, like one of those photos of David Cameron in his

clutches. I guarantee 100% that you will have the TIME OF

younger days. Their Facebook group was full of posts

YOUR LIFE (probably). - marxist_ogre

about how the government was bad for banning fox

hunting. It was perfect. I registered for a trial session.

Are gamers the most whiny, entitled group of idiots in the

world? No! That's The Underground readers!

The session was in the evening, around 8pm, and it was

getting dark. The 'gun range' was this dingy room under a

Joke To Reduce Your Misery

bridge somewhere on the outskirts of Cambridge. It was

Q. What do you call a tired tumblrina?

the kind of place a troll would live. I was getting cold feet.

A. A nap-kin

My pacificst side was shrieking. But it was too late to

turn back now.

-Traditional
The first people I met at the range were these weird

ex-army types who told me all this random shit about the

Well, not to worry. An animash is essentially an AMV but

war in the Falklands. To be honest I could not point to the

instead of Naruto or Tokyo Mew Mew or whatever other

Falklands on a map. They were the people who ran the

weeb crap you can think of, they use glorious Western

range and were puzzled as to why I was there.

Animation. More importantly, the videos are much more

over the top and next-generation with their effects! No

"Have you been doing shooting sports for very long?" one

subtlety here, just glitter, colours, mad zooms and some

asked. "No, I've never done it before" I said. "Why did you

CRAZY text effects and overlays! Think like, a Ke$ha

decide to start now?" I couldn't give him the real answer,

music video. Most importantly of all, the clips they feature

and it was too late to try my usual trick of pretending not

are all from and heres where the phrase animash will

to speak English. So I just mumbled and waited for the

start making am bunch more sense cartoon animal

university club members to arrive.

movies! Usually by Disney, although Balto (which is about

a husky or something, who knows, it has a sexy and flirty

Weird aristocrats they were not. The club was actually full

dog in it that saunters about with some sausages) is a

of maths and computer science nerds, apparently trying

popular choice too.

to live out some kind of video game inspired power

fantasy. Not an unfamiliar group of people after all. There

Imagine loads of sexually suggestive hi-definition Disney

was no point in continuing, but it was too late to back

animal clips all mashed together at high speed set to

out. It was dark outside and I didn't want to see if there

some funky dance anthems.Youre disgusted. Confused.

was actually a troll about.

Aroused.Youre wondering if maybe youre a furry??????

This is the essence of animash.

They told me how to load an air revolver and fire it at a

piece of paper 20 feet away. It was like that scene in 'Men

Whats really impressive to me is that the people that

In Black'. Even though I usually am a spaz with physical

make this stuff are often SERIOUSLY talented. Incredible

objects, after some practice I was actually pretty good at

video editing skills, but they choose to use them on this

it. I felt like the dork version of Lara Croft.

stuff? Then again I make them myself and I also use my

writing talent (displayed so well in these articles) to write

Despite not meeting any IRL Tories, it was actually not a

stories about the sims 2, so I guess Im not exactly the

bad experience. Despite being a creepy neckbeard hobby,

king here!

shooting sports are actually really good arm exercise, as

in, my right arm is super jacked now. I will probably not

Anyway, I digress! I want to talk about a particular

be returning to this club, but 10/10 good experience, will

animash thats really caught my eye lately, and is definitely

try again. - The Chaz

my latest favourite! A collaboration between two talented

animashers: KiaraMarBalto and xBlueTiagara. Theyre no

What an idiot.

LiaraWolf97, my old favourite, but LiaraWolf97 has been

producing some real stinkers lately and including WAY

Animash Review

too much 3D people movies and studio ghibi bullshit in

her videos, so maybe thats not a bad thing! The song

Hey undergroundies! <;3 (Thats a heart thats also a

choice is a little clich, Animals by Maroon 5 (pitched up,

winking kitty face!) Today Im going to be reviewing a

of course!!), but they do an incredible job of putting their

piece of what I think is the most important new form of

own spin on it. you definitely get that predatory, vaguely

media out there: animash. Now I know what youre

vore-ish feel that the song lyrics encapsulate so well!!!

thinking! What the fuck is an animash.

First: we gotta talk about the clip quality. Its outstanding!

What makes it really nice isnt the shiny HQ-ness of it,

Secondly, for such a sexually explict song (I get so high

but the subtle but beautiful colouring used. Dunno is the

when I'm inside you, ETC!) the animash is surprisingly

underground is in colour this year (why not) but heres a

dry on what I call hot dog content. This is about as

sample:

explicit as it gets:

When so many other, much more amateur, animashers

will go to so many lengths to manipulate the clips into
Wow! Right off the bat you can see the quality here! The

something STEAMY, this kind of laziness is a bit

way the lyrics are superimposed over the clips is also

disappointing. Instead it tends to focus more on actual

definitely worth noting. Far less garish than the more

fights between animals and predator/prey imagery, which I

common, vulgar animash, the text looks sleek, stylish, and

guess works if youre really into vore! But for the more

sophisticated. The lyrics are also matched up nicely with

common animash watcher its not all that stimulating.

whats happening in the clip, as you can see in that image

of Angel (dog on the bottom right.) Nice!

At least it doesnt disappoint in the Kovu content. As

everyones number 1 disney animash furry crush, its

The other thing we need to talk about is how well the

super important to me that an animash features plenty of

two animashers styles mesh together! So many times

clips of this lion. I can't get enough of that SEXY SMIRK,

youre watching an animash and both the style and quality

rawr! <3

is variable due to the number of contributors. Sometimes

that effect can be quite charming! But here theyre fairly
indistinguishable from one another and it makes the
animash look much more polished.
Despite being a polished and professional looking animash
though, it still plays homage to one of the most classic
techniques of animash: the rapping dog. Clips of Dodger,
originally from Oliver and Company and voiced by Billy
Joel, are ALWAYS the way to go when a song encounters
the cool rap section, and this animash is no exception.
My main complaints? Well, for some reason one of them
decided to use a Studio Ghibli movie in it, worse, one
featuring a HUMAN character! I dont want any AMV
content in my animash , please.

There are a couple of really impressive effects, but for the

most part this animash really proves that less is more!
Sometimes making a really great animash is less about
shoving loads of effects and overlays into a video and
more about perfect usage of clips, great composition, and
beautiful use of colour! For more animash reviews, watch
the space on my tumblr: animashreivews.tumblr.com
-marxist_ogre
No comment. Seriously, no comment.
That's it from this issue of The Underground,
babes. I hope this reminded you of the crap
we used to be. If it didn't, there's something
seriously wrong with you. Farewell!