SHARK!!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the
water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off
and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the
jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist
screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is
motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why
do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I
don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in
you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the
man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him,
when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its
head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Church Funnies
At the Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is
the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing
black?"
Dalam satu majlis perkahwinan di sebuah gereja, seorang anak kecil berbisik kepada
ibunya, Kenapa pengantin perempuan itu memakai pakaian putih?
Lalu ibu itu menjawab, Itu disebabkan warna putih adalah warna yang
melambangkan kegembiraan, dan hari ini merupakan hari paling gembira buat dia
Anak itu menggangguk faham. Seketika kemudian, si anak berbisik lagi kepada
ibunya, Kenapa pengantin lelaki itu memakai pakaian hitam?

Late for Bible Class

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to
be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!"

New in Church
After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church.
He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring
from.
After a short hesitation, he replied,"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf
Course."

The Sermon
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she
leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now,
will he let us go?"

The Boasting Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My
Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Tiga budak lelaki sedang duduk bercerita di halaman sekolah. Masing-masing cuba
membandingkan kehebatan bapa mereka. Budak pertama berkata, Bapa saya menulis
beberapa perkataan pada sekeping kertas dan dia memanggilnya sajak. Mereka
membayar dia RM50.
Anak kedua berkata, Ah! Itu tiada kalau dibandingkan bapa saya. Bapa saya menulis
beberapa perkataan pada sekeping kertas dan memanggilnya lagu dan mereka
membayar dia RM100

Budak ketiga pula mencela, Kedua-dua bapa kamu tidak setanding bapa saya. Bapa
saya menulis beberapa perkataan pada sekeping kertas dan memanggilnya khotbah.
Dia perlukan 8 orang untuk mengutip semua wang!

Teriak
Suatu kemalangan jalanraya terjadi di jalan menuju kota Medan. Seluruh kenderaan
rosak dan dan kaca berhamburan di jalan raya. Semua orang yang menyaksikan
kejadian tersebut berteriak MATI! MATI! MATI! kenderaan itu berguling empat
kali sebelum berhenti. Tidak lama kemudian keluarlah dua orang yang berlumuran
darah dan perlu mendapat 29 jahitan di kepala. Kemudian keluar lagi seorang tetapi
kelihatan baik tanpa sebarang luka sedikitpun. Orang-orang yang melihat kehairanan
lalu bertanya kepadanya, Bagaimana kamu boleh selamat dari kemalangan ini? Apa
ilmu yang kamu pakai? Baru kali ini ada orang yang selamat dari kemalangan seperti
ini.
Dia pun menjawab, Saya tidak tahu bagaimana saya boleh selamat. Dan saya tidak
mempunyai sebarang ilmu atau kuasa. Saya hanya berteriak sekuat hati sebelum
kereta kami terbalik. Orang masih kehairanan dan bertanya lagi, Boleh saya tahu
apa yang kamu teriak tadi? Dia menjawab Sayya hanya berteriak
YESUSSSSSSSS!!!!! dan saya selamat.
Tuhan sanggup menyelamatkan sesiapa sahaja yang menyeru namaNya.

Funeral Instructions
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when
I'm dead."

Church Announcement
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough
money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in
your pockets."

Instruction About Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to
church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The Sermon Preparation

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Bible Lesson
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them
to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six
year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother,"
she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The Creation of Wives

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human
beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Di suatu kelas sekolah sabat, anak-anak belajar mengenai bagaimana Tuhan mencipta
segala-galanya, termasuk manusia. Seorang budak bernama Johnny begitu tekun
mendengar bagaimana Hawa dicipta dari salah satu tulang rusuk Adam.
Minggu berikutnya, ibu Johnny ternampak Johnny sedang terlentang di lantai seolaholah sakit dan dia berkata, Johnny, kenapa dengan kau? Johnny menjawab,Tulang
rusuk saya sakit. Saya rasa saya akan mendapat seorang isteri

After the Preaching on the Devil

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on
the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just
your dad."

Money for the Pastor

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the
offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he
went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the
pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put
it in the offering plate?"
And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've
ever had!"

Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small
town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the
post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If
you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how
to get to heaven."
The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the
post office."

Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a
show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went
up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed
with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Unwanted Visitor
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting
the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man
and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me
to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a
different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get
a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and
the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for
years and haven't made it yet."

Visiting Pastor
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was
obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the
preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out
"Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and
opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with
me. - Revelation 3:20
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message
was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was
naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10

Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the
middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Where is God
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing
things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried
everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their
pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The
parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The
boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.
Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"
The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.
The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"
The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.
The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically
shouts "Where is God?"
To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the
office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his
brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing
and they think we did it!"

Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved
briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before
jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Prospecting for the Lord

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to
invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was
immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and
before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She
tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared
back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said
quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

From a 3-year-old:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."

Cost of a Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good
people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the
old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying
to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and
the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's
position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a
solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And
now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Blackmail
Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.
His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my
brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could
never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.
"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a
year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus.
Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.
Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the
mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking
the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag.
He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the
farthest, darkest corner.
He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if
you ever want to see your mother again..."

Father Murphy
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't
want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go
right now."

Well, if it's that obvious to a child...

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family
meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy,
does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of
the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be
curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
"Then which does God believe?"

An Email From God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He
decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best
angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel
to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline,
95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He
wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said????
You didn't get one either,.....huh?

A Special Hymn
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I
had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it
and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

False Illusions
A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He
had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He
had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be
great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to
have in heaven.
As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on
the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They
were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines,
and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had
expected it would be like.
His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and
he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to
you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not
possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man
persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon
returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made
it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man
replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures
on earth to get my reward here, so if its all the same to you, I want to live on that
cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.
In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place
he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the
whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.
An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard
down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a
nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The
escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked
why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so
funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising
department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"

The Rich Man

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had
worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So
he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth
with you."
The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man
continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to
take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled
it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his
story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are
allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too
precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was
planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass
Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first.
Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to
write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom
commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the
first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the
cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is
what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave
it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member
of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC"
meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the
euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't
decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of
a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist
Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' "
And he sat down and wrote:
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in
informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is
capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are
in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive
early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to
stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now
there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it
in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but
it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first
time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly
community."

Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...

Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St.
Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell

me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each
item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its
ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in
a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the
grace of God!"
"Come on in!"

The Baby-Sitter
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening
out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch
football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to
bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether
her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he
won't let me go home!"

Going Out
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So
the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi
driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the
stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out!"

Women Should Not Have Children After

35
This is one of those controversial statements but I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee they have had very
little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it,
and loudly and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that I said it. And I said it more than
once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb but I still stand by
what I said.
You may disagree with me, that's your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule, then I will be open to change
but for now, it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!

Homework
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse, writing
something. " What on earth are you doing there ?" he asked.
"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm
here and that's why Susie's sitting in the goldfish bowl !"

In the Bath
Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair.
She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

Mommy's Way
A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to
grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a
cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his
daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the
wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car
door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car
seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is
OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping
sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off
the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in
every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him,
and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

Parents
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works
twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole
day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got
it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

The Worms
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The
worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Mommy Ate It
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother
or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The
six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of
that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

The Seagull
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying
on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"
His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."
Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"

One-Liner
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to
download."

Coming Downstairs
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.
"Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the
stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?"
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the bannister."

White Hair
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen
sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The Zoo
One day Joe's mother turned to Joe's father and said," It's such a nice day, I think I'll
take Joe to the zoo."
"I wouldn't bother," said father. "If they want him, let them come and get him!"

The Lamp
A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he
had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one.
Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Asking to Play
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered
he asked, "can Albert come out to play?"
"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."
"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"

Baby Brother
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom,
"Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

No Sale
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no
one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your
mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."

Two-Line Jokes
Little Brother: "If you broke your arm in two places, what would you do ?"
Boy: "I wouldn't go back to those two places, that's for sure."

May: "What position does your brother play in the school football team?"

Jay: "I think he's one of the drawbacks!"

Big Brother: "That planet over there is Mars."

Little Brother: "Then that other one must be Pa's."

Father: "I hear you skipped school to play football."

Son: "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !"

In the Baker's Shop

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds
of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I
suggest that you check your scales."
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, " Ma'am, I
suggest you weigh your son."

Name Change
"Mum, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben.
"But why would you want to do that, dear ?" said his mum.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin !"

In the Fire Station

Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter
giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone
know what this is?"
Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

On the Phone
Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up. His father
said, "Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?"
Raj replied, "It was a wrong number."

Teasing
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market.
The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly
tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two
pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice
between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said,
"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and
Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved
$20!"

The Fiance
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young
man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a
nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had
left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he
thinks I'm God."

Talking Clock
A young man moved away from his parents to become a student. Proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, he led the way to his
bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the man replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the student.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the student replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound
and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other
side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!"

Satan vists the church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early
and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their
pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil
Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit
calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his
presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't
you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've
been married to your sister for 25 years."

I'm fine
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the
trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't
you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did
you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down
the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at
the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he
was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad
and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how
are you feeling?"

He's Alive!
A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client
accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer
dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed
victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door
of this courtroom."

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic
entry. But nothing happened.
The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door,
expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more
than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed."
Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to
await acquittal.
The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty
verdict.
When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after
the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"
"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was
watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went
like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust
your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the
police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find
it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers
have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Will
A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know
exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the
biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

Objection
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped
by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question
was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards
say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Bad Neighbours
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the
butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened
to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog
stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was
an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Flight Emergency
Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the
passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments
later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"We're all set back here, Captain," an attendant replied. "Except for one lawyer who is
still going around passing out his business cards."

The Compliment
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

New Client
A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting
idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He
told his secretary to show him right in.
Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker
was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into
it"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred
thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!"
Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker.
What can I do to help you?"
Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."

Justice Has Triumphed

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended
the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the
lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading
"Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Suit Settled
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled
that old Whitmore suit."
"Settled it!!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that
money for over five years now!"

Jury Duty
A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving.
He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to
begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced
against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky,
beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!'
Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury."
Glaring at him, the Judge replied, "Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his
lawyer!"

The Diner
Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took
sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, "Excuse me, but you cannot
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.

The Hamburger
Prosecutor : What were you doing on July 15th at 9 o'clock in the evening ?
Prisoner : I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor : What were you doing at 9:30 p.m. ?
Prisoner : I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor : Do you expect us to believe you ?
Prisoner : You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.

The Lawyer and the Federal Housing

Authority
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel
of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual
letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the
request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you
have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval
can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish
to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I
was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in
the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from
France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of
uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was
obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The
land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a
sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of
seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen,
being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund
Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus
Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world

called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His
original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our ... loan?"

Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand
and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Bad Luck, Defendant

The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in
here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they
wouldn't listen."

THE F.B.I.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his
firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed
where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find
no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Seven Signs Your Police Partner Needs a Vacation

7. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
6. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be
executed right there on the spot.
5. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad
cop".
4. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
3. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Light Bulb Joke

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you
should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Free Service
Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge officer?"
Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service."

Wedding Blues
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until
the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

The Excuse
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his
speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't
escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over,
so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about
a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

The Juggler
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing
the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally
seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show
and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "Crikey! I've got to
give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his
summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding
again."

Rookie Joke
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A
call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his
direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,
"Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

Deputy Gomer
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer who was not exactly the sharpest
nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never
thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and
finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the
results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

The Town Drunk

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the
judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered,
"It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and
there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at
which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

The Tourist
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

A Little Late For Work

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot
ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on
one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it
caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the
sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag
missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the
time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and
rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

The Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police
Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and
three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twentytwo
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her
error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These
women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole
time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside
her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

Sarge
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a suspect on the road toward Georgia.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never
catch him."

On My Way To A Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

What are the pictures?

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements
and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher,
"Who are all those men in the pictures?"
The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening
service?"

Back to School
Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called
you once when he misbehaved!"

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his
head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't
have discovered anything."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic
teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with
a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by
yourself."

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school
I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher
about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

Calling in Sick

A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be
absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall
with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school
herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school
today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this
calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples."

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders,
"there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be
left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and
45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn
today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher
with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare
you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get
a spanking!"

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No." replied the boy.
"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light
where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

Teacher: Amit, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Amit: I is...
Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am".
Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and
another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Patty: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Patty: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl
replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in
a minute."

Children's X-Mas Carols

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas
Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are
some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and
brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live
on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old
central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you
have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you
graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly
believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I
graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night
tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where
they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting
minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them
from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."