The Philadelphia
The Philadelphia
The Philadelphia
By David Ives
CHARACTERS:
SETTING: A restaurant. A table, red-checkered cloth, two chairs and a specials board.
AL is at the restaurant table, with the WAITRESS
WAITRESS: Can I help you?
AL: Do you know you would look fantastic on a wide screen?
WAITRESS: Uh-huh.
AL: Seventy millimeters.
WAITRESS: Look. Do you want to see a menu, or what?
AL: Lets negotiate, here. Whats the soup du jour today?
WAITRESS: Soup of the day you got a choice of Polish duck blood or cream of kidney.
AL: Beautiful. Beautiful! Kick me in a kidney.
WAITRESS: (Writes it down) You got it.
AL: Any oyster crackers on your seabed?
WAITRESS: Nope. All out.
AL: How about the specials today, spread out your options.
WAITRESS: You got your deep fried gizzards.
AL: Fabulous.
WAITRESS: Calves brains with okra.
AL: You are a temptress.
WAITRESS: And pickled pigs feet.
AL: Pigs. feet. I love it. Put me down for a quadruped.
WAITRESS: If you say so.
AL: Any sprouts to go on those feet?
WAITRESS: Iceberg.
AL: So be it. (WAITRESS exits, as MARK enters, looking shaken and bedraggled.)
MARK: Al!
AL: Hey, there, Marcus. Whats up?
MARK: Jeez!
AL: Whats going on, buddy?
MARK: I dont\t get it, Al. I dont understand it.
AL: You want something? Want a drink? Ill call the waitress
MARK: No! No! Dont even try. (Gets a breath.) I dont know whats going on
today, Al. But its weird.
AL: What, like?
MARK: Right from the time I got up.
AL: What is it? Whats the story?
MARK: Welljust for an example. This morning I stopped off at a drug store to buy
some aspirin. This is at a big drug store, right?
AL: Yeah
MARK: I go up to the counter, the guy says What can I do for you? I say, Give me a
bottle of aspirin. The guy gives me this funny look and he says, Oh, we dont have
that, sir. I said to him, Youre a drug store and you dont have any aspirin?
AL: Did they have Bufferin?
MARK: Yeah!
AL: Advil?
MARK: Yeah!
AL: Extra-strength Tylenol?
MARK: Yeah!
AL: But no aspirin.
MARK: No!
AL: Wow
MARK: And thats the kind of weird thing thats been happening all day. Its like, I go
to a newsstand to buy the DAILY NEWS, the guy never even heard of it.
AL: Could have been a misunderstanding.
MARK: I asked every placenobody had the news! I had to read the TORONTO
HAIRDRESSER. Or this. I go into a Deli at lunchtime to buy a sandwich, the guy tells
me they dont have any Pastrami. How can they be a Deli if they dont have Pastrami?
AL: Was this a Korean deli?
MARK: This was a Kosher from Jerusalem Deli. Oh we dont carry that, sir.
He says to me. Have some tongue.
AL: Mmm.
MARK: I just got into a cab, the guy says he doesnt go to 56th street! He offers to take
me to Newark instead!
AL: Mm-hm.
MARK: Looking at me like Im an alien or something!
AL: Mark. Settle down.
MARK: Oh, I dont go there, sir.
AL: Settle down. Take a breath.
MARK: Do you know what this is?
AL: Sure.
MARK: What is it? Whats happening to me?
AL: Dont panic. Youre in a Philadelphia.
MARK: Im in a what?
AL: Youre in a Philadelphia. Thats all.
MARK: But Im in
AL: Yes, physically youre in New York. But, metaphysically, youre in a Philadelphia.
MARK: Ive never heard of this!
AL: You see, inside of what we know as reality there are these pockets, these black holes
called Philadelphias. If you fall into one, you run up against exactly the kinda stuff thats
been happening to you all day.
MARK: Why?
AL: Because in a Philadelphia, no matter what you ask for, you cant get it. You ask for
something, theyre not going to have it. You want to do something, it aint gonna get
done. You want to go somewhere, you cant get there from here.
MARK: Wow.
AL: You want my advice? Enjoy your Philadelphia. Sit back and order yourself a beer
and a burger and chill out for a while.
MARK: But I cant order anything. Life is great for your out there on your cosmic
beach, but whatever I ask for, Ill get a cheese steak or something.
AL: No. Theres a very simple rule of thumb in a Philadelphia. Ask for the opposite.
MARK: What?
AL: If you cant get what you ask for, ask for the opposite and youll get what you want.
You want the DAILY NEWS, ask for the TIMES. You want Pastrami, ask for Tongue.
MARK: Oh.
AL: Works great with women. What is more opposite than the opposite sex?
MARK: Uhhuh?
AL: So. Would you like a Bud?
MARK: I sure could use a --AL: No. Stop. Do you want a Bud?
MARK: No. I dont want a Bud.
(WAITRESS enters and goes to the specials board.)
AL: Good. Now theres the waitress. Order yourself a Bud and a burger, but do not ask
for a Bud and a burger.
MARK: Waitress!
AL: Dont call her. She wont come.
MARK: Oh.
AL: Youre in a Philadelphia, so just figure, she can get lost.
MARK: She can just get lost.
AL: You dont need that waitress.
MARK: That waitress can get lost. Hey, waitress! Get lost.
(Waitress turns to him.)
WAITRESS: Can I help you, sir?
AL: Thats how you get service in a Philadelphia.
WAITRESS: Can I help you?
MARK: Uhno thanks.
WAITRESS: Okay, whatll you have? (Takes out her pad.)
AL: Excellent.
MARK: Wellhow about some O.J.?
WAITRESS: Sorry. Squeezers broken.
MARK: A glass of milk?
WAITRESS: Cows dried.
MARK: Eggnog?
WAITRESS: Just ran out.
MARK: Cuppa coffee?
WAITRESS: Oh, we dont have that, sir. (MARK and AL exchange a look at nod, the
waitress has spoken the magic words)
MARK: Got any ale?
WAITRESS: Nope.
MARK: Stout?
WAITRESS: Nope.
MARK: Porter?
WAITRESS: Just beer.
MARK: Thats too bad. How about a Heineken?
WAITRESS: Heineken? Try again.
MARK: Rolling rock?
WAITRESS: Outa stock.
MARK: Schlitz?
WAITRESS: Nix.
MARK: Becks?
WAITRESS: Next.
MARK: Sapporo?
WAITRESS: Tomorrow.
MARK: Lone Star?
WAITRESS: Hardy-har.
MARK: Bud light?
WAITRESS: Just plain Bud is all we got.
MARK: No thanks?
WAITRESS: (Calls.) Gimme a Bud! (To Mark) Anything to eat?
MARK: Nope?
WAITRESS: Name it.
MARK: Pork Chops.
WAITRESS: (Writes down.) Hamburger
MARK: Medium.
WAITRESS: Well don...
MARK: Baked potato.
WAITRESS: Fries.
MARK: And some Zucchini.
WAITRESS: Slice of raw. (Exits calling) Burn one!
AL: Marcus, that was excellent.
MARK: Thank you.
AL: Excellent. You sure youve never done this before?
MARK: Ive spend so much of my life asking for the wrong thing without knowing it,
doing it on purpose comes easy.
AL: I hear you.
MARK: I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had screwed up on purpose all
those years. Maybe I was in a Philadelphia all along and never new it!
AL: You might have been in a Baltimore. Theyre practically the same.
(WAITRESS enters with a glass a beer and a plate.)
WAITRESS: Okay. Heres your Bud. (Sets that in front of Mark.) And one cheese
steak. (Sets that in front of Al and starts to go.)
AL: No. I ordered Cream of Kidney and two pairs of feet.
WAITRESS: Oh, we dont have that, sir.
AL: I beg your pardon?
WAITRESS: We dont have that, sir.
AL: (Small pauseto Mark) You jerk! Im in your Philadelphia.
MARK: Im sorry, Al.