Gasonga Jokes July 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

July 2003 – Issue 14

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Version date: July 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

Bestsellers for Milo Manara from Amazon.com

The Model
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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

Me First!!

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find
an old oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie appears in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so you can have one each."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." In a Poof of smoke she's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of drinks and the love of my life."
In a Poof of smoke he's gone.
"OK, you're turn," says the Genie. The manager replies, "I want those two back in the
office after lunch!"
Moral of the story: Always let your boss get the first word in.

Doggie style sex

A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

They're talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.
"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done together."
"What's that?" asks the wife.
"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggie style."
"You really want to do that?"
"Sure," replies the husband "Could we?"
"Well," says the wife, "I suppose so, but on two conditions. The first is that we do it in
the dark, and the second is that we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!"

Son Of A Magician

A school class are writing projects on their families. Little John is having trouble with
his so the teacher helps him with a few questions.
"What's your father's occupation?" asks the teacher.
"He's a magician," says boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Very impressive! And do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yea,” says John, “I’ve one half brother and one half sister."

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

The First Affair

A middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the
wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was
horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and
asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."

The Second Affair

A coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they
were be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about
to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said
the coroner, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private
part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools
to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A guy walks into a bar asks for a beer.

"Certainly, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
"Yes. That’s right," says the barman. So the guy glances over at the menu.
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips?"
"Sure," replies the barman, "but that’ll cost."
"How much?" asks the guy.
"4 cents", replies barman.
"FOUR CENTS!!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the owner of this place?"
"Upstairs with my wife," replies the barman.
"What's he doing with your wife?" ask the guy.
"O, Same thing I'm doing to his business."

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

Looking good

When guy gets home he walks straight into the living room, takes his wife by the hand
and leads her up stairs. He takes her to the bedroom and in a stern voice says, “strip.”
His wife strips slowly for him, and finally stands naked. Her husband looks her up and
down and says, "Come here in front of the mirror."
"Now do a hand stand," says the husband.
Trembling with anticipation, the wife does a hand stand. Her husband walks behind her.
"Spread your legs," he says to her. She does, and he places his head between her thighs.
"What has gotten into you?" she asks him, her voice excited and trembling.
"Nothing," her husband replies, looking at their reflection.
"But the guys at work were right, I would suit a beard."

Cleaning

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman knocks calls at a house. When a woman answers
and before she can say anything, he dumps a pile of mud her carpet.
"Lady," he says, “if this cleaner does don't remove all that mud, I'll eat what’s left!"
The woman replies, "Do you want ketchup on that?"
Stunned the salesman asks, "What do you mean?"
“Well,” says the woman, "We’ve just had a power cut."

The marrying kind

A beautiful girl is bragging to her friend about her forthcoming wedding.

"A lot of men are going to be so miserable when I marry," she says.
"Really?" says her pal, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotapuss

Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?

A: Megasoarass.

Little Johnny - Thumb Sucking

Little Johnny gets up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his
mum and dads room the door was jar and Johnny peeked in. He then runs back to his
room to get his little brother. The both peeked into their parent's room and Johnny
says, "Can you believe that's the same woman who spanked you for sucking your
THUMB?"

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

Female put downs to chat up lines…

HE: Can I buy you a drink?

SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?

SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.

SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Getting Screwed

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent," says the bartender.
"One cent!?" exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, "Yes, One cent"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Never Argue With A Woman

A couple go on a fishing trip. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn, while the
wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a nap. Seeing the boat the wife decided to take a short trip boat. She
rowed out a distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Then along came the sheriff in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning, Madam. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied,
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write this up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," she snapped the irately.
"But, I haven't even touched you," said the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

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Gasonga Jokes July 2003

I kill with my club

A Hunter is walking through the jungle finds a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing
next to it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
"Yes," says the pigmy.
"How could a little bloke like you kill a huge thing like that?"
"I killed it with my club," says the pigmy.
The astonished hunter asks, "How big is your club?"
“O,” replies the pigmy, "There's about 60 of us."

The Cuban Dog

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful,
enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be
the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for
just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the
three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them:
"The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence
whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's
sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says: "How about you?"
The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly
wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, in broken English,
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

End

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