My Mother

Vasan Sri

My mother lived for the most part of her life in
Madras, now called Chennai, a large city in the
peninsular India, in the state of Tamil Nadu.
Mother was of medium height, 5 feet 4in, slim,
very fair and beautiful. She belonged to one of
the families full of beautiful women hailing
from Trichy. Being a brahmin, our family was
orthodox to the core and my mother had to work
hard to satisfy the religious injunctions that
we are supposed to follow.
My mother was married to my father at a tender
age of nine. This was a common custom those
days. She stayed with her parents and moved to
my father's house only at the age of 15 when she
attained puberty. There would be a small


religious function to mark the arrival of a
woman to her husband's house at that time.
My father was then a college student ,
studying for his "intermediate' exam. He would
graduate with B A degree in history and
economics two years later. My grandfather ,
mother's father, was in State civil service as a
n auditor of municipal accounts and two years
later my father would join the same department
as a junior auditor.
Now to my mother. Imagine a young girl of 15
years entering a new family and then burdened
with household chores including cooking for a
large family. My grand-mother ,that is father's
mother , was the steward of the house. She was a
tough lady, to say the least. She was also
arrogant and abusive towards my mother.
While my mother was slim, fair and beautiful,


my grandma was dark, ugly and had a hawkish nose
with square jaws. She was envious of my mother
for her charm and beauty, and her youthful
spirit. She was inwardly happy that she had
found a beautiful girl for her only son.
My grand-ma was arrogant and haughty for
obvious reasons--- she came from a very rich
family. Her father, my great-grandfather , was a
big official in the British Raj----Commissioner
of Income Taxes, for the state of Madras
Presidency.[ There were only three presidencies
under the British Rule: Madras, Bombay and
Calcutta.] The State had given him a chariot
drawn by two white horses and other
paraphernelia like liveried servants and a house
guard. He lived in a large mansion, at some
distance from our house, with a bungalow style
verandah and porch ,and with nice glass windows


like European homes. A large garden, with
mango,almond and lemon trees, surrounded the
mansion. We used to play there as small
children. All these made my grandma proud and
top-heavy ;she treated my mother and my
mother's father with some degree of contempt. My
grandma's household had some respect for my
father only because he was studying for a
university degree at Madras Christian College.
At that time ,only a dozen students graduated
each year from Madras University, which had the
reputation of being close to Ox-Bridge
universities of UK.
My grandfather and my grandma's husband was,
a soft gentleman , who was also an important
official in the Custom House, [the custom duty
collector] known for his honesty and
uprightness. He largely ignored his wife's--- my


grandma's--- insolence and tantrums ,and was
devoted to his official duties and religious
studies.
My grandma , being in charge of the household,
put my mother to a harsh routine. Cooking was
done with well water which was considered pure
and sacred. Municipal tap water should not be
used for cooking purposes. My mother had to get
up by 5 AM, take bath, put on fresh clothes, say
her prayers and then go to the well at the
backyard to draw water. She had to fetch 5 or 6
potful of water --- in brass pots which had been
cleaned and polished with coal-ash the previous
night. The lifting of water gave her sufficient
exercise every day to maintain a trim figure.
This was the case with most married women.

The kitchen had cook stoves which burned


firewood as the fuel. The hearth could become
smoky if the wood was wet and not dried
properly. Fortunately ,our house had a high
ceiling , more than 12 feet , to provide upward
draft and keep the room cool in this tropical
climate. There was a large ventilator with a
wooden shutter which one can open or close with
a string attached to the shutter. This
ventilator would allow for the escape of smoke.
There were no electric blenders or grinders at
that time. Grinding the chutney paste or
making curry powder was an arduous task with
stone grinders ; one has to push a stone roller
,about a foot long and 6 inches diameter, over a
stone slab many times. Women did this work---
literally 'grinding work', in the afternoons.
Mother had to complete cooking the main meal
by 8 AM so that we , the children could have the


food and go to school ; my father would also
have his main meal at 9 AM and leave for office
by 10 AM. There was no practice of taking a
breakfast and then lunch, except on holidays.
My grandma was very abusive towards my mother
and would even thrash her with cooking pots
during angry outbursts. My father often
supported his mother ;he was also quick
-tempered. He would get angry at short notice
for small mistakes or errors and would sometimes
beat her with a broken walking stick . My mother
endured all these as a dutiful Hindu wife.
My father , though short-tempered ,was also
affectionate to her and would bring oranges and
mangoes and jasmine flowers to her and also buy
some jewels as assets for her, sometimes unknown
to my grandma--gold bangles and necklaces.He was
careful with money and always kept a good bank


balance.
The sadistic nature of my grandma often reached
unreasonable heights; she would not tolerate my
mother going out to take part in some local
festivals or even temple functions, lest she may
be corrupted by other women. She would prevent
her from wearing costly jewels under some
pretext because she was jealous of her
adornment. Since my mother was thin and tall,
she would tease my mother calling her a 'flag
pole'.
My father being a busy official who had to make
tours for inspection ,was out of city for many
days in a month and often traveled long
distances. Under those situations, my grandma
was more cruel towards my mother than on normal
days.
Soon enough, my mother gave birth to my eldest


sister who is now in her late 80's and living in
Mumbai. My father was very affectionate towards
his girl child ;but the arrival of a girl was
no cause for celebration. My grandma was tough
as before, even after the birth of a baby---
more abusive towards my mother since a male
child was not born!. After a gap another 5 years
, my second elder sister was born. But the
sadistic impulses of my grandma continued as
before. The third child would again be a girl
and I was the only boy ,the fourth in the
family. My arrival was heralded with lot of joy
and festivities by the entire clan. I was named
after the beloved Lord of the Seven Hills, our
family deity. This was in 1943, when our family
had to migrate to Chingleput when Madras city
was evacuated ,fearing a Japanese attack.
To continue with the travails of my mother,


I must add that grandma was also a sick lady
with two ailments. She was asthmatic and also
had elephantiasis or filaria with one leg very
thick and heavy. [Filariasis is due to
bacterial infection ,called micro-filariae which
was common in the tropics. Antibiotics have not
been discovered at that time. Grandma used to
get low fever and pain in her lungs due to
filariasis once a month when the bacterias have
a breeding cycle. On those days, she would be
very irritable towards my mother.]
How did the owes of my mother end? ----This is
an interesting part of our family story I must
relate. My eldest sister, Padmakshi ['lotus
eyed'] was a bright, bold, out-spoken girl with
social skills to pick up friends in the
neighborhood. Her girl friends around would
always taunt her for the treatment of my mother


at the hands of her mother-in-law. Such
treatments were not unknown and would be the
thorny issue in many households. But in our
case, it had reached epic proportions and
attracted more wrath because my grandfather and
his family were highly respected on other aspe
cts and they belonged to the upper crust of the
brahmin society. My sister took upon herself
the task of ending this tyranny. One day she
confronted my grandma with a stick in hand ;she
was 12 years old then. She told grandma that if
grandma abused mother or beat her, she would be
thrashed with sticks. She also told my father
that he should not beat my mother; if he did so,
my sister would leave the house for ever.
The stern warning given by my young sister had
the desired effect. My father felt ashamed that
he had to be chastised by his own daughter . He


felt humbled and hugged her with tears. That was
the end of mother's painful days.
My mother gradually improved in her health,
both physical and mental, and started going out
to temples, music concerts and religious
discourses in a temple hall at the street
corner. She used to take us also in her rounds.
She started wearing costly jewels including a
set of diamond ear studs given by her father.
She continued to wear these studs till the end
of her life that my relations nicknamed her
"thodu mami" [ 'aunt with ear-studs'].
My mother had a good knowledge of classical
music and had learned to play violin; but in the
domestic battles she faced, I had hardly seen
her playing the instrument. She was, however,
keen that Padmakshi should learn to play veena
[a string instrument.]Padmakshi learned veena


under a saintly woman teacher in the next
street.

In the next decade or so, my mother was busy in
bringing us up and also steered the tricky
projects of arranging marriages for my three
sisters. The arranged marriages for my two elder
sisters, Padmakshi and Vasanta ['spring'] proved
a Herculian task since suitable bridegrooms were
hard to find, especially for Padmakshi who was
nearly 6 foot tall. My father was intensely
worried as the girls were getting to be nearly
25 years then. My father even took 6 months of
earned leave for bridegroom hunting. Finally he
could find a suitable man for Padmakshi--- he
was nearly 6foot 2 in , working in Bombay
[Mumbai] in an export firm..
After the wedding of Padmakshi , my grandma


softened a bit and lived for a couple of years
and then died after a brief illness. She was 82
years old.
My mother was always hospitable . She would
give excellent meals or snacks for all visitors
. Since sugar, milk and ghee [clarified butter]
were inexpensive those days [in 1950's and
1960's], she would prepare lot of pumpkin halwas
, cashew barfis and Elaichi custards and give
to visitors. No one could leave the house
without taking some sweet dishes. Some of my
schoolmates who used to visit my house at that
time, still recall the hospitality of my mother.
There were always guests from villages ,so
called 'poor cousins' ,and from other towns,
including her younger brother from Trichy--a
prominent Supreme court lawyer--those who had to
visit Madras for some work, Madras being the


state capital. They always had good stay with us
, with lot of delicious sweets prepared by my
mother. Such hospitality has become a thing of
the past even in Madras these days.
Our house , though not a great mansion like my
great-grandfather's house, was a two storey
building with four bed rooms in the top floor
and a large open terrace to cool off at night or
watch the moon and the stars with gentle sea
breeze. I had one large hall for myself in the
second floor to sleep and to do scientific
experiments with an array of chemical bottles
and test tubes.
I have several fond memories of my mother as a
school boy. She knew that I would like to do lot
of experiments in the hall upstairs. She would
collect several sundry items such as old
batteries, copper wires, bottles and glass jars,


steel implements and store them for 'his
experiments.' She would not disturb me during my
experiments but would leave snacks at the top of
the stairs.
There is one act of hers I cannot forget. I
had made a cardboard model of our school
building ;the model was about 2 feet square ,
for the golden jubilee exhibition of our school.
I had committed myself to doing this to our
class teacher. After working hard the previous
night, I forgot to carry this model to the
school to handover; that was the last day. My
mother noticed this and carried the heavy model
and walked to the school---a distance of about a
mile ---in the hot sun, located my class room
and gave the model. My teacher proudly showed
this to the class students and then took it to
the school head-master. That act of hers still


lingers in my memory.
From 1962 to 1972 , I was student at Bangalore
and later at New York. Those ten years, my
parents lived alone in Madras, since my sisters
had moved to different places. My mother's
health became a problem due to diverticulitis in
stomach---but she did not seek surgery those
days and endured the frequent pains. She used to
take codeine sulphate, a sedative drug every
day.
My father died suddenly in 1976,at the age of
74; it was a great shock for my mother and
myself. But she pulled herself up and lived in
the company of her children and grand-children
for another two decades.
My mother was always very sharp and
intelligent and tried to learn modern
developments in gadgets and equipment and make


home improvements , though she had studied only
upto 6th grade. She had phenomenal memory for
medical terms and drugs and their dosages. She
would often surprise doctors with her knowledge
of the drug regimen---would even correct if the
doctor prescribed a larger amount.
After performing three rather expensive
marriages for my sisters, my mother had become
an expert in organizing marriage functions and
would help her sister and brother's son for
weddings in their homes. Her sister , who is
still alive ,had five daughters and faced a
formidable challenge for performing marriages
under a tight budget.. My mother was her counsel
and confidant, and a responsible house keeper on
those occasions.
My mother played a large role when my three
children [one daughter and two sons] grew up and


were in school. She would tell them moral
stories and also arrange for their daily
routines . In spite of her hard, unimaginable
suffering as a young woman, she bore no
resentment and was always cheerful and helpful.
At the age of 88 or so, she had a mild stroke.
She recovered fully from this and lived in good
health for two more years. She died after a
brief illness at the age of 90 years...May her
soul rest in Peace.
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