Body Talk

This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.

When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I hae the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "!h yeah. and what did he hae to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, ""our name didn#t come up."
Brain Insult
##$dd this up for me. $ ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. %ow, hae
you got all that in your head?##
##"es.##
## "eah, I thought so.##
$ preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in
horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. Howeer at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third&
The ne't day the local paper carried this headline( )*+$,H+*#S $SS SH!WS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won.
The paper read( )*+$,H+*#S $SS !-T I% .*!%T
The /ishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read( /ISH!) S,*$T,H+S )*+$,H+*#S $SS
This was too much for the /ishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of
the donkey. The preacher decided to gie it to a nun in a nearby conent.
The paper headline the ne't day read( %-% H$S /+ST $SS I% T!W%
The /ishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would hae to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for 012.22.
%e't day the headline read ( %-% S+33S $SS .!* 012.22
This was too much for the /ishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. %e't day,
the headline in the paper read ( %-% $%%!-%,+S H+* $SS IS WI34 $%4 .*++
The /ishop was buried the ne't day
BLESS THIS OUR LAND AND NATION
By Njonjo Mue and Wangui aniaru
O Lord, do not your eyes look for truth?
You struck them, but they felt no pain;
You crushed them, but they refused correction.
They made their faces harder than stone
and refused to repent.
!ere"ia# $%&
There were 12 3uos, three 3uhyas, one 5isii, one Turkana6. /ut who remembers? $fter all it
happened more than a month ago, and life has to go on. We reacted with predictable shock and
indignation, een held an inter7denominational serice at the site of the massacre and our
)resident flew in from abroad and promptly held a public rally on the ery spot where 81
defenceless citi9ens had been hacked down on /loody Sunday. /ut that is all distant memory
now. %one of us approes of what :ungiki and Taliban did, but life has to go on, you see. /ut
what is een more shocking than the massacre in 5ariobangi is the speed and finality with which
we hae erased it from memory and moed on. We are a nation of forgetting and moing on. %o
outrage seems to shake us into taking a stand and ensuring that it neer happens again; no crime
against innocents, howeer ile, prompts us to meaningfully speak up for <the least of these.= /ut
this is not about the ictims of the 5ariobangi mayhem. It is a call for some long7oerdue soul7
searching that our country needs to do as a matter of great urgency before we can moe on. .or
you see, we hae loed lies more than truth. We hae embraced the lie of indiidual prosperity
and the lie of our tribal>racial identities. $nd we hae inented and belieed in the lie of our
greatness as a nation, while denying our state of seemingly terminal decay, or merely
complaining about it. Those of us in our late twenties>early thirties can recall when as children,
we started seeing for ourseles the creeping signs of decay ? occasional press stories of
corruption, reports of the odd iolent robbery. The attitude among adults at the time always
seemed to be, @!h well, we hae our problems, but we are not as bad as -ganda, or %igeria,A or
@It=s all :oi=s fault, it=s all the 5alenBins= fault6A The last refuge of a fading elite was to hack
back to a golden era that had been golden only for themseles. <The old days were better,A they
sighed with indignation. @When our people were the only ones in the ciil serice.A It is like
eery blow that has been struck against this nation as a chance for us to recognise how far we
hae fallen and to prompt us to repent and return to Cod Bust hardened our resole to <cope= to
<adBust= to <make do=. 4oesn=t it sound uncannily similar to Deremiah=s lament aboe? *esilience
is an admirable Euality, but rebellion is an abomination to our Cod. $nd the line between the
twain can be ery thin indeed. So you moe to another suburb, or you send your children abroad
when the system crumbles, or you pay up the bribe and continue doing whateer it takes. "ou
refuse to see the kids on the street and roll up your window each time you approach the
streetlights. $nd they grow up and become menacing glue7sniffing teenagers. Still you ignore
them and soon they are hungry and angry adults with no options in life than to get together and
organise the ne't carBacking, the ne't bank robbery6 then what do you do? "ou see if none of
us takes care of Little :utua, as he looks through the glass of your firmly shut car window while
you study a billboards that reminds you to gie your children a secure future and wish the lights
would turn green, all of us will hae to take care of Big Mutua, a few years down the line by
putting more bars on our eery window, driing with our car doors firmly locked and imposing a
curfew on ourseles in our city. /ut back to the present, and to you. "ou refuse to see the decay;
you refuse to ask yourself what "!- can do to change the situation. We were sent off to school
full of hope and e'cited at the possibilities that lay ahead, but our e'pectations were soon
crushed. %ow we spend the rest of our lies making e'cuses why things cannot be done
differently or change effected Euickly. We loe the lie that things are not so bad, or that things
are bad and <someone= is going to change them. We watch from a safe distance as people take
risks and fail, and we shrug internally and think, <at least that wasn=t me=. We acknowledge the
mess, but our reaction is to call up the uniersity and Boin the )arallel )rogramme to enrol for
another degree, and hope that by the time we are through someone will hae fi'ed this mess so
that we can get on with our lies. /ut alas, we=e gotten ahead of ourseles with that ery long
introduction. 3et us start from the beginning( !ur national anthem. Think of the e'alted words of
that prayer that we sing so freEuently if not ferently, e'horting Cod to isit our land. 4o we
really mean what we sing, or do we merely mock Cod with a prayer we hae no e'pectation of
seeing answered in our midst or any intention of working for its fulfilment in our time?
ustice be our shield and defender! We hae asked for Bustice to be our shield and our defender
and done nothing to lift up this shield. The shield is supposed to prop itself up, somehow. We
want the goernment to crack down on this or that or the other, so long as none of us is hurt by
the crackdown. We do not lift up the shield for ourseles in our prayer for the nation, we do not
lift this shield for the widow, the orphan, the refugee, the religious minority, the kiosk owner
whose lielihood is destroyed before our ery eyes, the thousands of people dying in prison, or
the people who are e'ploited by the labour system. So long as we can do what we want to or
need to do, then these other people Bust hae to suck up their misfortunes. We hear about
different attacks on different people for different reasons, and we shrug our shoulders because
that is Bust the way these people are. We are coninced that it cannot be done, we are deoted to
making absolutely no sacrifices that are grounded in the bigger picture of this land created by
Cod whose blessings we are asking for in mock supplication. We counsel our children not to
<waste= their lies as teachers in schools, because there is no money in teaching and the Euality
of education is so bad anyway. !f course once <someone= fi'es these things we=ll be fine, but
until then, we=ll Bust send them to priate schools, or try to get them Bobs somewhere else, or
whateer. We cope the best we can. "#elling in unity? We want to dwell in unity, but do
nothing to build that unity. We must honestly ask ourseles how are we building that unity, in
big ways and in little ways? $s families? $s communities? $s workers? There is little eidence
of unity7building. Instead we tear one another down so that we can be better than the other
person. In big things, in small things. We want this cake to be eaten, and to be eaten now; and if
at all possible, to be shared only among people who look like us and speak like us.
$eace, Liberty? We desire peace and liberty, but hae not made any indiidual sacrifices
necessary to uphold this peace or to guard this liberty. Dust think about it. What are we doing?
What do we desire aboe all else? +'cellence or comfort? We hae been unfaithful to Cod, we
hae raised up a generation and taught it to crae <Western things= that are synonymous with
comfort. We hae gien them nothing to safeguard, because we hae made it clear by our lies
that there is nothing we consider ourseles to be guardians of. !ur creed has been, <lie your life,
do your best, and let someone else deal with the situation, whateer it is.=
Then the world starts crumbling around us; things that were unimaginable fie years ago become
commonplace ? gangs attacking and mutilating people in the city, car7Backings, murders, rape,
mayhem, cheating in e'ams, no water, no electricity, no roads, thousands of road deaths, rising
illiteracy, rising unemployment ? and we are shocked. SH!,5+4? So we pick ourseles up,
build higher walls around our houses, put glass on top of the concrete separating us from our
neighbours, try to aoid being in the city after a certain time and adBust to a new way of life.
Things are not so bad. 4o your best, adBust. "ou woke up this morning, you went to work, you
did your thing. It is bad in some ways, but it is not so bad yet. )ray for Cod to send someone to
do something about this situation.
$lenty be found #ithin our borders% We want plenty within our borders, but hae no regard for
those lacking in our midst. So we hear about deaths and mayhem in 5ariobangi, and thank Cod it
wasn=t us, and moe on to the ne't thing. We call it a political conspiracy, we call it a conspiracy
by the landlords to raise rents, we watch the situation on TF from the comfort of our homes. $nd
we hope someone can come and deal with this. We are being crushed under the weight of
culpability in refusing to seek truth. /ut we harden ourseles a bit more and continue in our
ways.
"et een ciili9ations and empires do not fall all at once. These things begin one person at a
time, in a fundamental and profound way. !ne person at a time, the spirit of this age is
consuming the lies of young men and women in this land. !ne person at a time, we are
allowing our inheritance to be taken from us. What are the dreams we hae for this nation? What
is our role in fulfilling these dreams? What can we do? In a ery real way, recording these
dreams, praying about them, preparing for them to come to pass, is something we need to do as a
church. These dreams are in eery area of our lies ? our families, our schools, our Bobs, our
courts, and our communities. /ut first we need to seek His face, and be changed by Him,
recogni9ing that He is going to change us in order to use -S. If we are to be called peacemakers,
then we hae to be prepared to be making peace in the midst of war. Whateer it costs us, we
must gain understanding from Him. So prepare against all odds, pray against all odds, watch
against all odds, and wait against all odds. /ut we had better not be watching and waiting for the
delierer who will fi' eerything for us. He has already come, He died and rose again. We are
watching and waiting for the fulfilment of the purposes Cod has for this nation through -S. $ll
begins and ends with me and you. Cod did not send an angel to build the ark and then inite
%oah into it. %oah acted on this call, and built against all odds, for the day when rain would
come. $nd come it did. We cannot wait for another election, a new leader, a pack of <young
turks=, a new group of reformers and leaders and politicians to fi' us. We are it. "our children
will grow up and their children after them in the world we are making for them today. $nd
although you are not the one who wielded the pangas that decapitated the 12 3uos, three 3uhyas,
a 5isii and a Turkana, you are liing and participating in a society so diided, so hardened, and
so filled with inBustice that this was allowed to happen. So whether you like it or not, you are
implicated in these actions. They are both an indictment and a call to repentance. /ut aboe all,
they are a call to arms. &mkeni ndugu 'etu(
Wangui 5aniaru G%BonBo :ue
Cood .riday, 8228
,!33+C+ 3+C T+ST
$ young college student had stayed up all night studying for his 9oology test the ne't day. $s
He entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. +ach bird had a sack oer its
head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best Bob possible. The professor
announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds# legs and gie the common name,
habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds# legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get
upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more
he thought about it the madder he got.
.inally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor#s desk and said, "What a stupid
test& How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the
student threw his test on the professor#s desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn#t know eery student#s name so as
the student reached the door the professor called, ":ister, what#s your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, ""ou tell me buddy& "ou tell me&"
%+W 5$%-
.armer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new
rooster struts oer to the old rooster and says, "!5 old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, ",ome on, surely you cannot handle $33 of these chickens. 3ook what
it has done to me. ,an#t you Bust let me hae the two old hens oer in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "/eat it& you are washed up and I am taking oer."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you three times around the
farmhouse. Whoeer wins gets the e'clusie domain oer the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, ""ou know you don#t stand a chance old man, so Bust to be fair I will
gie you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. $bout 1H seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster
has closed the gap. He is already about H inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and /!!:& He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "4arn.... third gay rooster I bought this month."
:oral of this story... 4on#t mess with the !34 .$*TS 7 age and treachery will always oercome
youth and skill&
4efine a Cynaecologist (
He is the only .ool on +arth looking for trouble where eeryone else .inds )leasure&
+nBoy,
4efine a 5iss(
$n application at the headEuarters for a Bob at the base.
3ittle $li was doing ery badly in math. His parents had tried eerything( tutors, mentors. In
short, eerything they could think of.
.inally, in a last ditch effort, they took $li down and enrolled him in the local ,atholic school.
$fter the first day, little $li came home with a ery serious look on his face. He didn#t een kiss
his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. /ooks and papers were spread out all
oer the room and little $li was hard at work. 4ay after day the mother tried to understand what
made all the difference.
.inally, little $li brought home his report card. He Euietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room and hit the books. :om looked at it and to her surprise, little $li got an $ in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said( "Son, what was it????
Was it the nuns ??"
3ittle $li looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms????
WHHHH$$$$TTTT was it ????"
3ittle $li looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren#t fooling around."
*!!: .!* $ /++*
$ philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the
class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise Bar and proceeded to fill it with
rocks, rocks about 8" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the Bar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a bo' of pebbles and poured them into the Bar. He shook the Bar
lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the
students again if the Bar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a bo' of sand and poured it into the Bar. !f
course, the sand filled up eerything else.
"%ow," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life.
"The rocks are the important things 7 your family, your partner, your health, your children 7
things that if eerything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your Bob, your house, your car.
The sand is eerything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the Bar first, there is no
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and
energy on the small stuff, you will neer hae room for the things that are important to you.
)ay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. )lay with your children. Take time
to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work,
clean the house, gie a dinner party and fi' the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first 7 the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is Bust
sand."
/ut then... $ student then took the Bar which the other students and the professor agreed was full,
and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. !f course the beer filled the remaining spaces within
the Bar making the Bar truly full.
Which proes( that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
Hae a laugh&
Sunning in the %ude
$ young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp bu99ed into the woman#s
agina. The husband coered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and
made a dash to the hospital.
$fter e'amining her, the doctor e'plained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with
forceps.
He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and
withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nerous,
he couldn#t rise to the occasion.
"If neither of you obBects," the medic said, "I could gie it a try."
-nder the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor Euickly undressed, slathered on some honey
and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor#s thrusts
continued for seeral long minutes.
"Hey, What the hell is happening?"
",hange of plans," the physician panted. "I#m going to drown the little bastard&"
)ray and be prepared for a shock when you read it.
This story is e'tremely sad. )lease pass it on after reading it. +eryone needs to know about this.
:y sister#s co7worker has a sister in Te'as who, with her husband, was planning a weekend trip
across the :e'ican border for a shopping spree. $t the last minute their baby sitter cancelled, so
they had to bring along their two7year7old son with them. They had been across the border for
about an hour when the baby got free and ran around the corner. The mother went chasing but
the boy had disappeared. The mother found a police officer who told her to go to the gate and
wait. %ot really understanding the instructions, she did as she was told. $bout IH minutes later, a
man approached the border carrying the boy. The mother ran to him, grateful that he had been
found. When the man realised it was the boy#s mother, he dropped the boy and ran. The police
were waiting and got him. The boy was dead. In the Jless thanK IH minutes he was missing, he
was cut open, $33 of his insides remoed and his body caity stuffed with ,!,$I%+. The man
was going to carry him across the border as if he were asleep. $ two7year7old boy, dead,
discarded as if he were a piece of trash for somebody#s cocaine. If this story
can get out and change one person#s mind about what drugs mean to them, we are helping. )lease
send this +7mail to as many people as you can. If you hae a home ),, send it out there, too.
3et#s hope and pray it changes a lot of minds. The saddest thing about the whole situation is that
those persons who suffer are innocent and people we loe... Cod /less you in this united effort to
spread the word. "ou Bust might sae a life&
Someone passed this on to me and I thought we all needed reminding about how far we#e come.
Luite a sobering thought albeit a hilarious one&

4id you hae a teacher in High School or )rimary School who said things you#d want to share,
please read these and add any you may hae and pass on to friends.
"I remember this teacher who saw me wearing some particularly short
rugby shorts and he shouted at me " wewe papa, why are you wearing short7sleeed underwear?"
"I kumbuka this time there was no water in school then we had to go to the rier. so we were told
to alia our canas shoes. The matron saw one chile in leather shoes and she was like "u can#t go
to the rier in your ink shoes"7 iratu shia rangi."
".rom a %Boro School Teacher...
%ani huyo ananyonya moto??Jwho is smokingK"
".rom a high school grammar teacher(
"The girl goes to school, goesn#t she?"
.rom a 5ianyaga High School Teacher,
"/oth of you three, come here&"
.rom the same teacher in a Ceography class.
"In a natural forest, there are many trees Jmany different Species but
in a man made forest, there is only one tree J!ne SpeciesK"
.rom same teacher during High school sports.
"!ne hundred 5ianyaga boys, on the lane" JThose 5ianyaga students competing
in the 122 meters race to get on the laneK
"et another one from same teacher
To a student not sitting at his respectie table during lunch in the
dinning hall "Cathumbi, how many times do I tell you not to eat this table.
%ow go and eat your table and I should not catch you eating this table again"
This one holds the record for this teacher. This is not fiction.
$fter an incident where one of the form three students actually shat on one of the dining tables.
The teacher said this during )arade(
"I can#t beliee how a whole form three student can get on the heaen of the table, subtracts his
trousers and miaring&" J"ou go figureK
.rom the headmaster of 5erugoya High School
He comes in the staff room panting and says(
"$ male cow was running after me" $ bull had been chasing him.
"Irate teacher to student, "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both
your parents."
"Heard at a bar somewhere in western proince,5enya, the stronghold
of the 3uhya( #"ou can#t me&# translated from, #Huniwe9i&#
Ironically, this was a group of schoolteachers and if those are the standards we e'pect future
generations to go through, then I weep for 5enya. /ut the comedy element of it carries the day.
$nyday.
"I heard this one from my bro who heard it from their wotchi in
chuo( some Bang#o wotchi was trying to e'plain how some students
stole a few bananas from the school shamba and beat him up in the
process. it goes like( ":I:I %I3I5-W$ %I%$ :+%"$ T!*,H 5W$ *$/!3!.
! S$$ 5I4!C! %$SI5I$ TH-)& ,H-:$ 5W$ :$,H!&"
"This one from a student composition in high school( the car beat the
corner in speed and then fell oer and its legs faced up Jgari
ilipiga kona halafu ikaanguga na miguu ikaanglia Buu 77 shengK"
"$ kyuk once told the butcher( .orgie for me a kilo of meat with
holy paper.JnBohera kilo ya nyama na karatathi gatheruK"
"This one#s from Starehe a.k.a shrubers den(
!n seeing twins enter his office, the assistant director said(
""ou look together; are you twice?" Jfigure that one out&&K"
"In 5agumo the deputy principle amuad to pray for the :tongwe
disaster ictims. It went like this" rodJ3!*4K help those
who Jpaused for a momentK )$*TI,I)$T+4 I% TH+ :T!*!*!%CW+ $I* ,*$SH
.+**" 4IS$ST+*"
.rom the kyuk song "kanyoni kaBa.... $n outsider"
"CW$TI$ %C$*I %$ -5I%"+ :$C-T$
ST$*T TH+ %C$3I $%4 ST+) !% TH+ .$T."
$n oer7teased :$3+ :aths teacher in :oi Cirls got really angry and shouted Jin a typical
:eru accentK,
"%gals, if nyu ndon#t mbehae nyourseles, I#ll nget #olnd of nyou, %destroy nyou, Jsummoning
an almighty frownK and make nyu miss nyour )+*I!%4S"
!f course we all knew he meant our lessons but we were hot7blooded adolescent %C+3S and
read far too much into it. The whooping and shouting that followed got the whole class into
trouble with the head. $%4, needless to say, we did miss our )+*I!%4&
)lease sample this out
T*" !-T THIS *+,I)+ &&&
I%C*+4I+%TS(
8 ' 3aughing eyes
8 ' Well shaped legs
8 ' 3oing arms
8 ' .irm milk containers
8 ' %uts
1 ' .ur lined mi'ing
1 ' .irm banana
4I*+,TI!%S(
1. 3ook into laughing eyes
8. Spread well shaped legs with milk loing arms
M. SEuee9e and massage milk containers ery gently
until fur lined mi'ing bowl is well greased,
check regularly with finger
I. Cently add firm banana to mi'ing bowl, working in
and out until well creamed. J.or best
results, continue to knead milk containers K
H. $s heat rises, plunge banana deep into mi'ing bowl
and coer with nuts, leae to soak
Jpreferably not oernightK.
N. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana
doesn#t soften, repeat steps M7H or change
mi'ing bowls
%!T+(
7 If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully,
before and after use,7 4o not lick mi'ing bowl
after use.
7 If cake rises, 3+$F+ T!W%&&&
$ little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. +ery day they would
sit together to eat their lunch. They discoered that they both brought chicken sandwiches eery
day& This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her
sandwich wasn#t a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you#re not eating chicken, don#t
you like it anymore?" She said"
I loe it but I hae to stop eating it" "Why" he said. She pointed to her lap and said ",ause I#m
starting to grow little feathers down there&" "3et me see" he said. "!kay" and she pulled up her
skirt, he looked and said, "That#s right you are, better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating
his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I hae
to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I#m starting to get feathers down there too." She asked if she
could look so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "!h, my Cod, it#s too late for you,
you#e already got the neck and gi99ard&&"
Harambee Stars
$ kenyan :ama and )apa were splitting up, and their Son had to decide who he was going to
lie with.
So, the Budge wanted to talk to the Son to see what he thought about liing with either of his
parents. When he asked the /oy about liing with his father, the boy said "%o, I can#t lie with
my )apa, he beats me terribly."
"!5," said the Budge, "then you want to lie with your mother, right?"
"%o way&" replied the /oy, "She beats me worse than 4ad does."
The Budge was a bit confused by this, and didn#t Euite know what to do.
"Well, you hae to lie with someone, so is there any relaties you would like to stay with?"
asked the Budge.
""es," answered the /oy, "Harambee Stars Team at 5asarani"
""ou#re sure they will treat you well and won#t beat you?" asked the Budge.
"4efinitely," said the /oy, "Harambee Stars Hardly beat anybody this days anyway."
$ teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word #indefinitely# in a sentence.
3ittle Dohnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
/ut the teacher knows he#s a trouble maker and that he doesn#t know the answer, so she calls on
Dim.
Dim replies, "4ue to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."
"Cood" the teacher replies. "What about you Denny?"
Denny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can
use it in a different way. So there#s 3ittle Dohnny waing his hand again. $nd the teacher thinks...
J:aybe he really does know the answerK, so she calls on him. Dohnny stands up and says, "$s I
felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely&"
$ husband was reading a book on bed with Wife /esides, his finger went to tease wife#s )-SS"
" "ou want se'?" she asked.
"%o, i Bust want to wet my finger to turn the )age"
Here is a speech deliered by $min at a sumptuous luncheon hosted by Lueen
+li9abeth II of Creat /ritain.
:y maBesty :r. Lueen sir, horrible ministers and :embers of )arliament, inented guests,
ladies under Centlemen. I here by thank you completely :r. Lueen, sir; and also what he has
done for me and my fellow -ganda who come with me. We hae really eaten ery much. $nd
we are fed up completely; and also ery thanks. /ut, before I continue, with my usual few words,
I would ask you to keenly open up from all the windows; so that those plenty climates can come
into to lunch. /ut before I go back to my ,ountry with a plane from the +ntebbe airport of
3ondon I wish to initation you :r. Lueen, to become home to -ganda so that we can also
retaliate on you. "ou will eat a full cow; and also feel up your stomach and walk with difficult
because of full stomach completely. +en when you want to rest at night, I will make sure that
you sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansion completely so that you can enBoy all
the graity of flesh air." "/ut now I am sorry because I hae to tell you
that I hae made a short call on you only.
/ut ne't time I shall make a long call on you to last the whole moon completely."
Thank you ery much to allow me to undress you completely before these e'tinguished ladies
under gentlemen sir. 3astly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthem of the
*epublic of -ganda and also the /ritish International anthem. ""our maBesty sir, I thank you
from the bottom of my heart and from the bottoms of all the people of -ganda. With these few
words, I thank you sir."
T")+S !. :+% "!- :++T I% $ 3!!
+'citable Type( )ants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type( Doins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type( ,annot pee if anyone is watching. )retends he has peed and sneaks back later.
%oisy Type( Whistles loudly. )eeps oer partition to hae a look at the other fellow#s tool.
Indifferent Type( $ll urinals being occupied, uses sink.
,leer Type( )ees without holding tool, shows off by adBusting tie at same time.
Fain Type( -ndoes H buttons to take out tool when 8 would hae done.
$bsent :inded Type( !pens Backet, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
Worried Type( %ot Euite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtie but close inspection
of his
tool while peeing.
4isgruntled Type( Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type( 4rops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke ne't to him.
Sloppy Type( )ees down into his shoe, walks out with his 9ip open and adBusts his balls 12 mins
later.
3earned Type( *eads a book or newspaper while peeing.
,hildish Type( 3ooks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type( /angs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.
4runken Type( )ulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.
+mbarrassed Type( ,oers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his
fingers.
,ockeyed Type( Stands in one cubical and pees in ne't.
Scared Type( Those that look at the wall because they are scared to look at what they#re holding.
4o no ask me where i fall.
It#s your first time. $s you lie back your muscles tighten. "ou put him off for a while searching
for an e'cuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you#re afraid and you
shake your head braely. He has had more e'perience, but it#s the first time his finger has found
the right place.
He probes deeply and you shier; your body tenses; but he#s gentle like he promised he#d be. He
looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him 7 he#s done this many times before. His
cool smile rela'ed you and you open wider to gie him more room for an easy entrance.
"ou begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as
little pain as possible. $s he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue gie way, pain
surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it#s too painful. "our eyes are filled with tears but you
shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moing in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him within you. $fter a few fren9ied moments, you feel something
bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to hae it oer. He looks at
you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you hae been his most stubborn yet
most rewarding e'perience. "ou smile and thank your dentist.
$fter all, it was your first time to hae a tooth pulled. %aughty, %aughty& %aughty&& What were
you thinking?
"ou guys are all nuts. I can imagine what was on your minds. "
I know what you were thinking&
In the window of an Indian shop along *ier *oad...
"Why go somewhere else to be cheated, when you can come here"?
In a %airobi restaurant...
",ustomers who find our waitress rude, ought to see the manager".
In a Westlands Bewellery store...
+ars pierced while you wait".
!n the grounds of a priate school... "%o trespassing
without permission"
!n an $thi *ier highway...
"Take notice; When this sign is under water, the road is impassable".
!n a poster at 5encom...
"$re you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help".
In a city restaurant...
!pen seen days a week and weekends too".
!ne of the :athare buildings...
":ental health preention center".
$ sign on an automatic restroom hand dryer...
"4o not actiate with wet hands".
In a )umwani maternity ward...
"%o children allowed".
In a cemetery...
")ersons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graes".
In a Thika hotel...
"It is forbidden to steal towels, If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don#t read this
notice".
In a :ombasa hotel...
"Fisitors are e'pected to complain at the office between the hours of O and 11 daily".
$ sign posted in a tourist camp site...
"It is strictly forbidden in our camping site that people of different se', for instance men G
woman, lie together
in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose".
In a Hindu temple...
"It is forbidden to enter a woman een a foreigner if dressed as a man".
In some club...
"3adies are reEuested not to hae children at the bar".
Spaghetti

$ doctor was haing an affair with his Italian7born nurse. +entually, she became pregnant by
him. %ot wanting his wife to find out, he gae the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy
and hae the baby there. "/ut how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Dust send me a postcard and write #spaghetti# on the back. I#ll take care of all the
child#s e'penses."
%ot knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Si' months went by
and then one day the doctor#s wife called him at the office, "4ear, you receied a ery strange
postcard in the mail today from +urope, and I don#t understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Dust wait until I get home, and I will e'plain it to you."
3ater that eening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart
attack. )aramedics rushed him to the +*. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He
asked her what she thought might hae caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card
and read it to him( ".our Spaghettis( Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
The Special /ranch J%ational IntelligenceK, The ,I4, and the 5enya )olice are
all trying to proe that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The )resident decides to gie
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch.
The S/ goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They Euestion all plant and
mineral witnesses. $fter three months of e'tensie inestigations they conclude that rabbits do
not e'ist.
The ,I4 go in. $fter two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing eerything in it,
including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The 5enya )olice goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten dog. The dog is
yelling( "!kay& !kay& I#m a rabbit& I#m a rabbit&
Co to ,ollege, Cet a Dob, /orrow from the 4rier
Some things take a long time to change. Take the JdisKadantages of higher education, for
e'ample. In the 1OP2s, to be highly educated in -ganda was a risky business. The military
goernment of the day was deeply suspicious of educated people, who were deemed to be
dangerous. :any of those who did not flee the country were killed.
Today, higher education is reEuired for most Bobs. That is why so many people are going to
uniersity to earn a degree that will open the doors of employment. /ut again, this kind of
education has its disadantages. It tends to condemn a person to total dependence on salaried
employment, making them ulnerable to sudden destitution should they lose their Bobs.
Strangely enough, at the end of the day, when you trace the adult lies of people at most
workplaces, it is the driers, messengers and cleaners who do better as far as indiidual financial
security is concerned. $fter working for fie years, a tea girl will hae inested more than the
secretary along with whom she was recruited. The drier will be more financially solid than the
mid7rank graduate officer.
The tea girl, you see, doesn#t Bust earn a salary. She also supplies manda9is to the secretaries at
break time. She arries at work much earlier than them, to make sure her merchandise is
distributed to arious agents such as Bunior tea girls in nearby offices and a few street side
endors. When the secretaries arrie, she greets them politely and asks what they would like for
their break. Since she e'tends credit, many of her bosses are in her debt. They pay up as soon as
they get their salaries, because it would be beneath their dignity to default on a tea girl#s money.
:eanwhile, her younger sister, whom she brought oer from the illage two years ago, is
manning their stall in the market, where they sell second7hand clothes.
.rom among these, the elder sister regularly selects the "first class" pieces and sells them at
higher prices to the secretaries, who do not want to be seen in the downmarket stalls bargaining
for used garments./ecause of spending so much time with educated people, the tea girl has
decided that the child whose birth forced her out of school si' years ago, will hae the best
education she can proide. She puts the child in a good school and pushes her to work for good
grades. She will een make sacrifices to pay for priate coaching.
$s for our drier, he is doing eEually well. +'tremely humble and obliging before the e'ecuties,
he is regarded as indispensable. $fter working there for 12 years, he knows the secrets of the top
men in the organi9ation. They therefore tend to let him get away with small sins like fuel bills
that seem on the high side for the mileage coered. -nbeknown to his bosses, he is running two
or three ta'icabs as well as a small shop near his home. He has a line of one7room rental houses
and any tenant who is late with the monthly payment is eicted ruthlessly.
His driers and wies, who double as shop assistants, bow lower before him than he does before
his bosses at work. His children, who are subBected to ery strict discipline, will be sent to the
best schools if they are academically promising. !therwise, they are absorbed into the family
business at an early age. He rules oer his small empire with an iron hand.
The tea girl and the drier get salaries that are much lower than those of the secretary and the
middle officer. /ut because they lie close to the ground, as it were, they spend much less and so
are able to sae and inest.
The young graduate, on the other hand, cannot imagine running a soda7and7cake network in the
office. So, he has no income apart from his official salary. "et he goes to e'pensie clubs and
wears trendy clothes. So, come the end of the month, he has no money left& Whereas the drier
no longer touches his salary, relying instead on his dierse incomes to run his home.
The graduate cannot inest in the places he freEuents and the circles he moes in; he cannot
build a fie7star hotel. /ut the drier can open kiosks and bars in his slum. !ne day, both these
people will hae to leae their employment. %o pri9es for guessing who is better prepared for
life after retirement. The priati9ation and downsi9ing of the public serice gae us many sad
cases of senior officers who tried to start businesses with their retirement packages. $t their age,
it was too late to learn new tricks, and most got cleaned out within a week, ending up as
frustrated alcoholics.
The stronger ones conerted their family cars into cabs, and can be seen touting for teenage
passengers outside discotheEues. They lie in unfinished houses and are always Euarrelling with
their growing children, who cannot cope with the fall in their standard of liing.
$s the drier#s and tea girl#s offspring Boin the business sector with ease, the former officer#s sons
and daughters sit around idly talking about Western film stars and singers. Such are the dangers
of an elitist education.
Scary&&
The author, :r. /uwembo is +ditor of the Sunday Fision of 5ampala.
!n their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we#re married now, we can arrange our se' life like this( In the eening, if my hair is
done, that means I don#t want se' at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may
not hae se'. $nd if my hair is completely undone, that means I want se'."
"!kay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Dust make sure, when I come home, I usually hae a
drink. If I hae only one drink, that means I don#t want se'. If I hae two drinks, I may or may
not want se'. /ut if I hae three drinks, your hair doesn#t matter."
$insi soit7il &
4ieu se prQsenta R l#Sne et lui dit ( Tu es un Sne.
Tu as durement traailler du matin au soir, en portant des choses trTs lourdes sur ton dos. Tu
seras herbiore et pas intelligent. Tu iras H2 ans. $prTs cela l#Sne rQflQchit et dit( H2 ans d#une
ie pareille, c#est trop &/eaucoup trop & %e me donnes pas plus Eue M2 ans.
$insi soit7il...
)uis 4ieu se prQsenta au chien et lui dit ( Tu es un chien. Tu eilleras sur l#humanitQ, et pour cela
tu seras le meilleur ami de l#homme. Tu ne mangeras Eue des restes et tu iras 8H ans.
3e chien rQpondit ( Seigneur, 8H ans d#une telle ie c#est trop. SF) pas plus de 1H ans &
$insi soit7il...
)uis le Seigneur se prQsenta au singe( Tu es le singe. Tu as sauter d#arbre en arbre et tu te
comporteras comme un idiot. Tu deras Utre marrant, et comme Va tu iras 82 ans.
3e singe lui dit. Seigneur, 82 ans R ire comme le clown du monde, c#est trop. %e me donnes
pas plus Eue 12 ans.
$insi soit7il...
$ la fin, 4ieu apparu R l#homme et lui dit ( Tu es l#homme & 3e seul Utre rationnel, le monde
t#appartiendra. Tu as mettre au profit ton intelligence pour rQaliser plein de choses captiantes.
Tu as dominer le monde et pour cela tu iras 82 ans &
Sur cela l#homme rQpondit ( Seigneur, Utre un homme seulement 82 ans ce n#est pas suffisant. S#il
te plaWt, donnes7moi en plus, les M2 ans de l#Sne, les 1H du chien, ainsi Eue les 12 du singe.
$insi 4ieu se prQoccupa pour Eue l#homme ie 82 ans comme un homme, puis se mariera et
ira M2 ans comme un Sne, traaillera durement du matin au soir en portant de lourds poids sur
ses Qpaules. )uis il aura des enfants et ira 1H ans comme un chien, il sureillera la maison
et il mangera ce Eue la famille lui laissera. )uis, une fois SgQ, il ira 12 ans comme un singe,
se comportera comme un idiot et amusera ses petits enfants.
$insi soit7il...
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
4uring the past year I hae tried to make
loe to you MNH times. I hae succeeded MN times, which is an
aerage of once eery ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not
succeed more often(
HI times the sheets were clean
1P times it was too late
IO times you were too tired
82 times it was too hot
1H times you pretended to be sleep
88 times you had a headache
1P times you were afraid of waking the baby
1N times you said you were too sore
18 times it was the wrong time of the month
1O times you had to get up early
O times you said weren#t in the mood
P times you were sunburned
N times you were watching the late show
H times you didn#t want to mess up your new
hairdo
M times you said the neighbors would hear us
O times you said your mother would hear us
!f the MN times I did succeed, the actiity
was not satisfactory because(
N times you Bust laid there
X times you reminded me there#s a crack in
the ceiling
I times you told me to hurry up and get it
oer with
P times I had to wake you and tell you I
finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I
felt you moe
5++) *+$4I%C.......
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you hae things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn#t
get more than you did(
H times you came home drunk and tried to
screw the cat
MN times you did not come home at all
81 times you didn#t cum
MM times you came too soon
1O times you went soft before you got in
MX times you worked too late
12 times you got cramps in your toes
8O times you had to get up early to play golf
8 times you were in a fight and someone
kicked you in the balls
I times you got it stuck in your 9ipper
M times you had a cold and your nose was
running
8 times you had a splinter in your finger
82 times you lost the notion after thinking
about it all day
N times you came in your paBamas while
reading a dirty book
OX times you were too busy watching football,
baseball, etc. on TF
!f the times we did get together(
The reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn#t talking about the crack in the
ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me moe was because
you farted and I was trying to breathe.
There was this case in 5enyatta %ational Hospital
Intensie ,are ward where patients always died in the
same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m.,regardless
of their medical condition. This pu99led the doctors
and some een thought that it had something to do with
the supernatural no one could sole the mystery.....
as to Why the death at 11$:?
So a world7wide e'pert team was constituted and they
decided to go down to the ward to inestigate the
cause of the incidents.
So on the ne't Sunday morning few minutes before 11
a.m., all doctors and nurses nerously waited outside
the ward to see for themseles what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books and other obBects to ward off
the eil........ Dust when the clock struck 11......
Scroll down for what happened...
:ukhobero Wepukhulu , the part7time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system
so that he could use the acuum cleaner
T! :" ,HI34
Dust for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Dust for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect
it is.
Dust for this morning, I am going to step oer the laundry and pick you up and take you to the
park to play.
Dust for this morning, I will leae the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that
pu99le of yours together.
Dust for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in
the backyard and blow bubbles.
Dust for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not een a tiny grumble when you scream and whine
for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Dust for this afternoon, I won#t worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or
second guess eery decision I hae made where you are concerned.
Dust for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won#t stand oer you trying to
fi' them.
Dust for this afternoon, I will take us to :c4onald#s and buy us both a Happy :eal so you can
hae both toys.
Dust for this eening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born
and how much I loe you.
Dust for this eening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Dust for this eening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Dust for this eening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my faourite TF shows.
Dust for this eening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be
grateful that Cod has gien me the greatest gift eer gien. I will think about the mothers and
fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are isiting
their children#s graes instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital
rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can#t handle it
anymore.
$nd when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.
It is then, that I will thank Cod for you, and ask him for nothing, e'cept one more day.............
Hi& I am a 8O7year7old father. :e and my wife hae had a wonderful life together. Cod blessed
us with a child too. !ur daughters name is *achel and she is 12 years old. %ot long ago did the
doctors detect brain cancer in her little body.
There is only one way to sae her and that is an operation.
Sadly we don#t hae the money for the operation. $!3 and Zdnet Jin ZimbabweK hae agreed to
help us. The only way they can help is this(
If you send this email to other people $!3 will track this email and count how many people get
it. +ery person that opens this email and sends it to at least M people will gie us M8c. Jin
Zimbabwe dollarsK
)lease help us.
Ceorge $rlington
).!. /o' 8MM
)hone([8NMJ1K1M MHXO or 88PO
Fictoria .alls
.a'([8NMJ1K1M 821I or cell 211I2HOM2
Zimbabwe
S-/D+,T( Satan#s meeting Jread een if you#re busyK
\
\Satan called a world7wide conention of demons. In his opening address he
\said, "We can#t keep ,hristians from going to church. We can#t keep them
\from reading their /ibles and knowing the truth. We can#t een keep them from
\forming an intimate relationship with their saiour. !nce they gain that
\connection with Desus, our power oer them is broken. So let them go to their
\churches; let them hae their coered dish dinners, but steal their time, so
\they don#t hae time to deelop a relationship with Desus ,hrist.
\This is what I want you to do, said the deil. 4istract them from gaining
\hold of their Saior and maintaining that ital connection throughout their
\day&"
\"How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.
\
\ "5eep them busy in the nonessentials of life and inent innumerable schemes
\to occupy their minds," he answered.
\
\"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow.
\
\)ersuade the wies to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work N7P
\days each week, 12718 hours a day, so they can afford their empty
\lifestyles."
\"5eep them from spending time with their children." "$s their families
\fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of
\work&"
\ "!er7stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small
\oice."
\
\"+ntice them to play the radio or cassette player wheneer they drie."
\
\"To keep the TF, F,*, ,4s and their ),s going constantly in their home and
\see to it that ery store and restaurant in the world plays non7biblical music constantly."
\"This will Bam their minds and break that union with ,hrist."
\
\".ill the coffee tables with maga9ines and newspapers."
\
\")ound their minds with the news 8I hours a day."
\
\"Inade their driing moments with billboards."
\
\".lood their mailbo'es with Bunk mail, mail order catalogues, sweepstakes, and
\eery kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, serices
\and false hopes."
\"5eep skinny, beautiful models on the maga9ines and TF so their husbands
\will beliee that outward beauty is what#s important, and they#ll become
\dissatisfied with their wies."
\"5eep the wies too tired to loe their husbands at night." "Cie them
\headaches too&" "If they don#t gie their husbands the loe they need, they will begin to look
elsewhere."
\"That will fragment their families Euickly&"
\"Cie them Santa ,laus to distract them from teaching their children the
\real meaning of ,hristmas." "Cie them an +aster bunny so they won#t talk
\about his resurrection and power oer sin and death."
\
\
\"+en in their recreation, let them be e'cessie." "Hae them return from
\their recreation e'hausted."
\
\"5eep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on Cod#s creation."
\"Send them to amusement parks, sporting eents, plays, concerts, and moies
\instead." "5eep them busy, busy, busy&"
\
\
\"$nd when they meet for spiritual fellowship, inole them in gossip and
\small talk so that they leae with troubled consciences."
\
\
\",rowd their lies with so many good causes they hae no time to seek power
\from Desus." "Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing
\their health and family for the good of the cause."
\
\
\ "It will work&" "It will work&"
\
\It was Euite a plan& The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing
\,hristians eerywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and
\there. Haing little time for their Cod or their families.
\
\Haing no time to tell others about the power of Desus to change lies.
\
\I guess the Euestion is, has the deil been successful at his scheme?
\
\"ou be the Budge& 4oes "busy" mean(
\
\/7eing
\-7nder
\S7atan#s
\"7oke?
\
\)lease pass this on, if you aren#t too /-S"&
*ead this,
]^S)+,I$3 )+!)3+^]
This is sent to the special people in my life. I am
sending this to you, to see how many of you actually
read your e7mail&
"our response will be interesting&
Here goes(
)eople come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know
e'actly what to do. When someone is in your life for a
*+$S!%, it is usually to meet a need you hae
e'pressed outwardly or inwardly. They hae come to
assist you through a difficulty, to proide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an
inconenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a
stand. What we must reali9e is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now
time to moe on.
When people come into your life for a S+$S!%, it is
because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an e'perience of peace or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you hae neer
done. They usually gie you an unbelieable amount of
Boy. /eliee it& It is real&, but, only for a season.
3I.+TI:+ relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to hae a
solid emotional foundation. "our Bob is to accept the
lesson, loe the person>people JanywayK; and put what
you hae learned to use in all other relationships and
areas of your life.
It is said that loe is blind but friendship is a
blessing. Thank you for being a part of my life. Smile
and stop here if you#re not into this final part( This
is to show people you loe them and to see how many
people loe you&&&&&&
4on#t feel embarrassed because only you will get the
results. Send it to eery friend that you hae online,
including the person who sent it to you.
2 *eplies Y you may need to work on your "people skills"
8 *eplies Y you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing..
I *eplies Y you hae picked your friends well
N *eplies Y you are downright popular
X *eplies or :ore Y you are totally awesome Jand probably why you#re on :" list&K
I:)!*T$%T %!TI,+
The :aker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year,
due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named $dam and +e, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subseEuent units.
This defect has been technically termed, "Sub7seEuential Internal %on7morality," or more
commonly known as SI%, as it is primarily e'pressed.
Some other symptoms(
_a` 3oss of direction
_b` .oul ocal emissions
_c` $mnesia of origin
_d` 3ack of peace and Boy
_e` Selfish, or iolent behaiour
_f` 4epression or confusion in the mental component
_g` .earfulness
_h` Idolatry
_i` *ebellion
The :anufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is proiding factory
authorised repair and serice free of charge to correct this SI% defect.
The *epair Technician, Desus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the
staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee reEuired.
The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is( )7*7$7"7+7*. !nce connected, please
upload your burden of SI% through the *+)+%T$%,+ procedure. %e't, download
$T!%+:+%T from the *epair Technician, Desus, into the heart component. %o matter how big
or small the SI% defect is, Desus will replace it with(
_a` 3oe
_b` Doy
_c` )eace
_d` )atience
_e` 5indness
_f` Coodness
_g` .aithfulness
_h` Centleness
_i` Self7control
)lease see the operating manual, H!3" /I/3+, for further details on the use of these fi'es. $s
an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made aailable to all repaired units a facility enabling
direct monitoring and assistance from a resident :aintenance Technician, the Holy Chost.
*epaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the
premises&
W$*%I%C( ,ontinuing to operate the human being unit without correction oids the
:anufacturer#s warranty, e'posing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will
result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
.or free emergency serice, call on D+S-S.
4$%C+*( The human being units not responding to this recall action will hae to be scrapped
in the furnace. The SI% defect will not be permitted to enter Heaen so as to preent
contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention. )lease assist where possible by
notifying others of this important recall notice.
Hae a good one&
3ook what some lunatic sent me. Sorry, if it stinks Bust let me know.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on .riday
before the Budge. The Budge said, "you seem like nice young men, and I#d like to gie you a
second chance instead of Bail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the
eils of drug use and get them to gie up drugs foreer. I#ll see you back in court
:onday."
:onday, the two guys were in court, and the Budge said to the 1st one, "How did you do oer the
weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 1P people to gie up drugs foreer."
"1P people? That#s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew 8 circles like this... ! o and told them this Jthe big circleK
is your brain before drugs, and this Jsmall circleK is your brain after drugs."
"That#s admirable," said the Budge, "$nd you, how did you do?" Jto the second boyK
"Well your honor, I persuaded 1HN people to gie up drugs foreer."
"1HN people& That#s ama9ing& How did you do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. Jdraws 8 circlesK o ! "I said, Jpointing to the small circleK this
is your asshole before prison......"
.rom *eaders 4igest
$ young boy thinks that he can get anything by declaring( I know the truth&
So he tells his mother " I know the truth&" The mother calls him aside and hands him 082
swearing him not to tell his father. +'hilarated, as soon as he sees his father, he blurts out( " I
know the truth&. The father Euickly draws him aside and hands him 082 also swearing him not to
tell his mother.
Thinking he has found a master key to easy money, as soon as he sees the milkman, he tells him(
"I know the truth&" The milkman takes a long look at him and, breaking into a grin, he opens his
arms wide and declares" Well then son, come and gie your dad a hug&"
I lost the *4 and reproduced this from memory
$ little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because een though it was a ery large mammal its
throat was ery small. The little girl stated that Donah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The
little girl said, "When I get to heaen I will ask Donah".
The teacher asked, "What if Donah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
4on#t assume.....4on#t ignore.....
!l# .red
!l# .red had been a faithful ,hristian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their
preacher to stand with them.
$s the preacher stood ne't to the bed, !l# .red#s condition appeared to deteriorate and he
motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor loingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and !l# .red used his last bit of
energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his Backet
pocket.
$t the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he reali9ed that he was wearing the same Backet
that he was wearing when !l# .red died. He said, ""ou know, !l# .red handed me a note Bust
before he died. I haen#t looked at it, but knowing .red, I#m sure there#s a word of inspiration
there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, ")lease step to your left 77 you#re standing on my o'ygen tube&"
Cirl( ";.orgie me father for I hae sinned"
)riest ("What hae you done my child?"
Cirl( "I called a man a son of a bitch."
)riest( "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Cirl( "/ecause he touched my hand."
)riest( "3ike this?"Jas he touched her handK
Cirl( ""es father."
)riest( "That=s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Cirl( "Then he touched my breast."
)riest( "3ike this?"Jas he touched her breastK
Cirl( ""es father."
)riest( "That=s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Cirl( "Then he took off my clothes father."
)riest( "3ike this?Jas he takes off her clothesK
Cirl( ""es father."
)riest( "That=s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Cirl( "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you know where"
)riest( "3ike this? Jas he stuck his " you know what "into her "you know where"K
Cirl( ""+S .$TH+* ;"++S .$TH+* ;"++S .$$$$TH+*&&"
)riest( after a few minutesK"That=s no reason to call & him a son of a bitch"
Cirl(" /ut father he had $I4S&
)riest( "SHIT&TH$T S!% !. $ /IT,H&&&
Cirl ( ";.orgie me father for I hae sinned"
Luite funny Jand trueK&
!%3" 5enyans
1. are engaged for H years or more
8. neer bother to diorce, they Bust separate
M. are late to church, work, and eerything else +a,+)T when the disco is
free before Opm
I. refer to diabetes as #S-C$*#
H. show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and
hair done but no gift
N. in relation to bH, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home
P. consider #clubbing# or #henging# as a monthly e'pense
X. leae bills Jinstead of insurance moneyK behind for suriing relaties
O. borrow money for a wedding.
12.hae mothers who can use curse words and religion $33 I% !%+
S+%T+%,+ e.g. "3ord, gie me strength because I#m about to knock the hell out
of this child"
11.spend the car insurance money on eerything +a,+)T getting the dent
fi'ed.
18.inite co7workers and all of their friends to their child#s 1st birthday
party which happens to hae a professional 4D with only about M kidsJincluding the childK in
attendance.
1M.Start eery sentence with ":e I..."e.g ":+ I donno why you are saying that I always say #:e
I#.
1I.Say ##Spend## when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. "$re you going to
spend at her place?"
1H.)ut in iron rods in all windows and main doors...refering to them as ##/urglar##
1N. -se "Cai" as an e'clamation mark eg "Cai, what are you saying?"
1P. /eliee "$ti" is an +nglish word for "What?"
1X. Think it is cool to drink and drie and get away with it "I don#t know how I got home that day
the way I was drunk&"
1O.Think all their economic and social problems are caused by ":oi" when in fact some hae
neer been to school.
82. )ack up all their earthly goods to go to "shaggs" for a week in 4ecember, only to pack them
all back again after that one week and return to "Tao"
81. ,all traelling "flying out" eg She flew out Jno one eer seems to wonder where all these
5enyans fly toK
88. Think that taking a clerical Bob in a company is better and "cooler" than toiling in their
parents# family business.
8M. )refer washing cars and dishes in -S$ to toiling in their 82 acre tea farms in 5enya.
8I. ,all their homes "at ours". eg "$t ours, we eat Citheri eery day"
%ew 5anu
.armer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new
rooster struts oer to the old rooster and says, "!5 old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, ",ome on, surely you cannot handle $33 of these chickens. 3ook what
it has done to me. ,an#t you Bust let me hae the two old hens oer in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "/eat it& you are washed up and I am taking oer."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you three times around the
farmhouse. Whoeer wins gets the e'clusie domain oer the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, ""ou know you don#t stand a chance old man, so Bust to be fair I will
gie you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. $bout 1H seconds later the young rooster takes off running
after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed
the gap. He is already about H inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters
running by. He grabs up his shotgun and /!!:& He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "4arn.... third gay rooster I bought this month."
:oral of this story... 4on#t mess with the !34 .$*TS 7 age and treachery will always oercome
youth and skill&
$ plane is about to crash. There are fie passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger says( "I=m Zinnedine Zidane, the world=s best soccer player. .ifa needs me, I
can=t afford to die" So he takes the first pack and leaes the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary ,linton, says( "I=m the most ambitious woman in the world. I=m
also a %ew "ork senator and a potential future president "She takes the second parachute and
Bumps out.
The third passenger, *obert :ugabe, says; "I am president of Zimbabwe and I hae 1M :illion
helpless people who always look up to me for guidance. $boe all, I am the cleerest president
in $frican history and $frica=s people won=t let me die. "So he puts on his pack and Bumps out.
The fourth passenger, %elson :andela, says to the fifth passenger, a 127year7,hinese school
boy; "I=e lied a full and fruitful life and I=m well prepared for the after7life so I=ll let you hae
the last parachute".
"That=s okay. says the boy. "There=s a parachute for each one of us. $frica=s cleerest
president has Bust taken my school backpack".
The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
01222 bet.
The bartender would sEuee9e a lemon until all the Buice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. $nyone who could sEuee9e one more drop of Buice out would win the money.
:any people had tried oer time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but
nobody could do it.
!ne day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly
button.
He said in a sEueaky annoying oice, "I#d like to try the bet."
+en the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.
$fter the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "!k," grabbed a lemon, and sEuee9ed
away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
/ut the crowd#s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
si' drops fell into the glass.
$s the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the 01222, and asked the little man, "What did you do
for a liing? $re you a lumberBack, weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the I*S."
/aked /eans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He
loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on
him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he
made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly
after, that they got married.
t was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car
broke down.
Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk
off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three e!tra large helpings of baked beans. "ll the way home he 'putt#
putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt#putted' up the ne!t.
$y the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door
and seemed somewhat e!cited.
She e!claimed, "%arling, have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight&" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peek.
"t this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. 'ust as she was about
to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to
peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he
sei(ed the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. t was not only
loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had )ust started to feel better, when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp&' t sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. *o keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms
awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. *hings had )ust about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
*his was a real blue#ribbon winner+ the windows rattled, the dishes on the table
shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear
tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the ne!t ten minutes, farting and fanning
them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye ,indicating
the end of his loneliness, and freedom- he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in. "pologi(ing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
at the dinner. "fter assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise&&"
*o his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
$n elderly woman spent a leisurely shopping at the mall.
-pon return to her ehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. .rightened, the
woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not
get out of the car, she would shoot.
The four men ran off Euickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key, howeer, would not
fit. The woman reali9ed that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She
went to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically
and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a hiBacking by a
mean old lady; no charges were filed.
In this world we live in today, not enough people bother to say just how
much you are appreciated.
Lives go by, and people die, and never know how important they are.
So at the funeral, everyone shows up to show their respects to the family
that is left.
But wouldn't it be great if we could tell them how we feel before it is too
late
!on't wait until your family and loved ones have passed, because the worst
feeling in the world is not being able to share how you feel. So take the time
and pass this on to let your loved ones know that you love and appreciate
them. "ake the best out of life, because it is gone before we know it
5+%"$ W!:+%
5I5-"- W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou get to buy her a real e'pensie dinner.
Second 4ate( "ou get to buy her and her girlfriends a real e'pensie dinner.
Third 4ate( "ou get to pay her rent.
Tenth 4ate( She#s pregnant by someone other than you&
3-! W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou both get blind drunk and hae se'.
Second 4ate( "ou both get blind drunk and hae se'.
82th $nniersary( "ou both get blind drunk and hae se'.
3-H"$ W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou take her to a play and an e'pensie restaurant.
Second 4ate( "ou meet her parents and her :om makes -gali and Ingokho.
Third 4ate( "ou hae se', she wants to marry you G insists on a M carat ring.
Hth $nniersary( "ou already hae H kids together G hate the thought of haing se'.
Nth $nniersary( "ou find yourself a girlfriend.
:+*- W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou get dynamite head.
Second 4ate( "ou get more great head.
Third 4ate( "ou tell her you#ll marry her and neer get head again.
S!:$3I W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou fill out the mandatory family Euestionnaire listing all your assets.
Second 4ate( "ou go out to the park with her and her whole family comes along.
Third 4ate( She claims she#s a irgin and refuses to hae se' with you.
.ourth 4ate( She makes up for the past ten years of se'ual depriation in one night. "ou#re
rushed to a hospital for e'haustion.
5$:/$ W!:$%
.irst 4ate( "ou buy her an e'pensie dinner, get her drunk on Cuiness, hae se' in the back of
her car.
Second 4ate( She is pregnant.
Third 4ate( :oe in with her, her two cousins, her sister#s boyfriend and lie happily eer after
eating rice and beans in the :achakos.
5ISII W!:$%(
.irst 4ate( "ou go to pick her up, and she isn#t home. She gae you the wrong address.
Second 4ate( "ou decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then
again going home.
Third 4ate( She#s pregnant. She#s not sure if its hers.
5$3+%DI% W!:$%(
.irst date( "ou get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date( "ou get to grope all oer and make out.
Third date( "ou get to hae se' in the missionary position.
:$$S$I W!:$%(
.irst date( "ou get to buy her an e'pensie dinner but nothing happens.
Second date( "ou buy her an een more e'pensie dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date( "ou don#t een get to the third date and you hae already reali9ed nothing is going to
happen.
I%4I$% W!:$%(
.irst date( :eet her parents.
Second date( Set the date of the wedding.
Third date( Wedding night.
!ne day a farmer#s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
.inally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be coered up anyway, it Bust
wasn#t worth it to retriee the donkey.
He inited all his neighbours to come oer and help him.
They all grabbed a shoel and began to shoel dirt into the well.
$t first, the donkey reali9ed what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to eeryone#s ama9ement, he Euieted down. $ few shoel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With eery shoel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something ama9ing. He would
shake it off and take a step up. $s the farmer#s neighbours continued to shoel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. )retty soon, eeryone was ama9ed as the
donkey stepped up oer the edge of the well and trotted off&
3ife is going to shoel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake
it off and take a step up. +ach of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells Bust by not stopping, neer giing up& Shake it off and take a step up&
*emember the fie simple rules to be happy(
1. .ree your heart from hatred.
8. .ree your mind from worries.
M. 3ie simply.
I. Cie more.
H. +'pect less.
).S. The donkey later came back and kicked TH+ ,*$) out of the farmer that tried burying
him.
:oral( When you try to coer your ass, it always comes back to get you&
4ear Sir,
Sub( "Salary increase"
The penis, hereby reEuests a raise in salary for the following reasons(
^ I do physical labor
^ I work at great depths
^ I plunge head first into eerything I do
^ I do not get weekends off or public holidays
^ I work in a damp enironment
^ I don#t get paid oertime
^ I work in a dark workplace that has poor entilation
^ I work in high temperatures
^ :y work e'poses me to contagious diseases
"ours truly,
)enis
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
4ear )enis,
$fter assessing your reEuest, and considering the arguments you hae raised, the administration
reBects your reEuest for the following reasons(
^ "ou do not work X hours straight
^ "ou fall asleep on the Bob after brief work periods
^ "ou do not always follow the orders of the management team
^ "ou do not stay in your allocated position, and often isit other areas
^ "ou do not take initiatie 7 you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
^ "ou leae the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
^ "ou don#t always obsere necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protectie
clothing
^ "ou#ll retire well before reaching NH
^ "ou#re unable to work double shifts before you hae completed the day#s work
^ $nd if that were not all, you hae been seen constantly entering and leaing the workplace
carrying 8 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The :anagement
/ill Cates died in a car accident. He found himself in )urgatory being si9ed up by Cod. ...
"Well, /ill, I#m really confused on this call. I#m not sure whether to send you to Heaen or
Hell. $fter all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost eery home in the
world and yet you created that ghastly Windows OH. I#m going to do something I#e neer done
before. In your case, I#m going to let you decide where you want to go&"
/ill replied( "Well, thanks, Cod. What#s the difference between the two?"
Cod said( "I#m willing to let you isit both places briefly if it will help you make a
decision."
".ine, but where should I go first?" asked /ill.
Cod said( "I#m going to leae it up to you."
/ill said( "!5, then, let#s try Hell first." So /ill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
and the temperature was perfect. /ill was ery pleased.
"This is great&" he told Cod. "If this is Hell, I *+$33" want to see Heaen&"
".ine" said Cod and off they went.
Heaen was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. /ill thought for a Euick minute and rendered his
decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told Cod.
".ine" retorted Cod, "as you desire".
So /ill Cates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, Cod decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in
Hell.
When Cod arried in Hell, he found /ill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in
a dark cae. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How#s eerything going, /ill?" Cod asked.
/ill responded, his oice full of anguish and disappointment( "This is awful, this is not what
I e'pected. I can#t beliee this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and
the beautiful women playing in the water?"
Cod says( "That was the screen saer."
3augh for the morning&
3ittle Dohnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. 4addy e'plained that
/uddy had gone to heaen.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, 4addy?" asked 3ittle Dohnny, as he fought
back tears.
$t a loss for something to say the father replied, "/uddy#s legs are pointing straight up in the air
so that it will be easier for Desus to take him by the leg and lift him up to heaen."
3ittle Dohnny seemed to take /uddy#s death Euite well. Howeer, two days later when his father
came home from work, 3ittle Dohnny had tears in his eyes as he said, ":ommy almost died this
morning." .earing something terrible had happened, his father Euestioned, "What do you mean
Dohnny? Tell 4addy&"

"Well", mumbled 3ittle Dohnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw :ommy lying
on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, #!h Desus& I#m coming, I#m coming&#
$nd, if it hadn#t been for the neighbour who was holding her down, she would hae
SubBect( This is a psychological test
4o not prematurely scroll down and look at the answer. Here it goes.....
The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met
this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. This guy happened to be her
dream guy so she fell in loe with him at once...
$ few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the )olice asked her why she did that she
gae a shocking answer... What is her motie in killing her sister?
$nswer(
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up. This was a test by
famous $merican psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. :any
arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn#t answer correctly 7 good for you. If your friends hit the Backpot, may I suggest that
you keep your distance (K
3ittle Dohnny was P years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing
Euite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
!ne day he took his Euestions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of e'plaining
things to Dohnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and
her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Dohnny described eerything to his
mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny.
He must hae thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, Bust like
the doctor would. +'cept he#s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to hae trouble
finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of
breath. His other hand must hae been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. $bout this
time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the feer started. I know it was a feer
because sis told him she was really H!T. .inally, I found out what was making them so sick....
a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It Bust Bumped out of his pants and stood there
about X inches long. H!%+ST& $nyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to Cod and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake&
"$nyway", sis got brae and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. $ll of a sudden, she made
a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while he took a mu99le out of his pocket and slipped it oer the eels head to keep it from
biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. $nd he helped
by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and sEuealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by sEuishing it
between them. $fter a while they both Euit moing and gae a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up
and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it Bust hung there ery limp
and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. $nd by golly, the
eel wasn#t dead after all. It Bumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like
cats....they hae nine lies or something. This time sis Bumped up and tried to kill the eel by
sitting on it. $fter about 8H minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead
this time because I saw sis#s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
:other started looking sick and her eyes started getting bigger.
If you hae a bad day at work, be thankful. $ppreciate that you hae a Bob. Some people don#t.
When you pay your bills, be thankful. "ou can pay them.
If you see a gray hair, be thankful. Think of the cancer patient in chemotherapy who only wishes
for any hair.
When you find yourself waiting in line or the recipient of poor serice, be thankful. Think about
the people who hae no food to eat at all.
When you reali9e how much work it is to take care of a house, be thankful you hae a house.
Think about those who only wish they had a house to take care of.
When you feel like complaining because you hae to walk a long distance from your car, be
thankful. Think of what it would be like not to be able to walk&
If you get irritated by other people#s anger, apathy, ignorance, bitterness, or insecurities, be
thankful. Things could be worse. "ou could be one of them&
When you think eerything in your world is terrible, and you want to gie up, think of the people
who hae been told they only hae a certain amount of time to lie. They don#t want to gie up.
3ie life to its fullest. $ppreciate life. )lease send this message on to eeryone you know
I#ll be happy when...
We conince ourseles that life will be better after we get married, hae a baby, then another.
Then we are frustrated that the kids aren#t old enough and we#ll be more content when they are.
$fter that, we#re frustrated that we hae teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when
they are out of that stage. We tell ourseles that our life will be complete when our spouse gets
his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice acation or
when we retire. The truth is there#s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
"our life will always be filled with challenges.
It#s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So,
treasure eery moment that you hae and treasure it more because you shared it with someone
special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
-ntil your car or home is paid off.
-ntil you get a new car or home.
-ntil your kids leae the house.
-ntil you go back to school.
-ntil you finish school.
-ntil you lose 12 lbs.
-ntil you gain 12 lbs.
-ntil you get married.
-ntil you get a diorce.
-ntil you hae kids.
-ntil you retire.
-ntil summer.
-ntil spring.
-ntil winter.
-ntil fall.
-ntil you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a Bourney, not a destination. So
work like you don#t need money, loe like you#e neer been hurt, and, dance like no one#s
watching.
If you want to brighten someone#s day, pass this on to someone special. I Bust did&
"!nce there was a philosopher doing a surey on a group of men, on the topic of happiness. He
said "I can proe to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of loe making
you hae&" To proe this he glanced at the audience. $nd he saw a man at the right hand
corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you hae?" he asked. "!nce a month." the man answered.
3ooking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, haing a bigger smile. $nd he
asked him "Sir, How often do you hae?" "!nce a week." the man shouted.
Trying to proe his theory further, he saw another man laughing. ""ou seem to be a ery happy
man, So how often do you hae?" "Well, ...eeryday" the happy man answered. "There, I am
right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of loe making you hae" said the
philosopher.
/ut far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. 3aughing and Bumping
with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him, ""ou sure look like a ery happy man?"
""es, "es .. "es," answered the ery happy man. "So how often do you get to hae?" the
philosopher asked. The man answered "!nce a year...." The pu99led and embarrassed
philosopher asked the man "WH$T? Then why are you so happy??" The man while laughing,
and Bumping said( "IT#S T!%ICHT... IT#S T!%ICHT&&"
4r. )hil gae this test on !prah. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. *ead on,
this is ery interesting&
Here#s something that you may find interesting ... psychological profile 7 don#t be oerly
sensitie&
The following is pretty accurate. $nd it only takes 8 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send
it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let them know who you are.
The person who sent it placed their score in the subBect bo'. )lease do the same before
forwarding to your friends.
4on#t peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
$nswers are for who you are now ... not who you were in the past.
Hae pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test gien by the Human *elations 4ept. at
many of the maBor corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their
employees and prospectie employees.
It#s only 12 simple Euestions, so ... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
:ake sure to change the subBect of the e7mail to read "!-* total. When you finished,
forward this to eeryone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.
:ake sure to put "!-* score in the subBect bo'.
*eady?? /egin..
1. When do you feel your best?
aK in the morning
bK during the afternoon Gand early eening
cK late at night
8. "ou usually walk
aK fairly fast, with long steps
bK fairly fast, with little steps
cK less fast head up, looking the world in the face
dK less fast, head down
eK ery slowly
M. When talking to people you
aK stand with your arms folded
bK hae your hands clasped
cK hae one or both your hands on your hips
dK touch or push the person to whom you are talking
eK play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
I. When rela'ing, you sit with
aK your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
bK your legs crossed
cK your legs stretched out or straight
dK one leg curled under you
H. When something really amuses you, you react with
aK a big, appreciatie laugh
bK a laugh, but not a loud one
cK a Euiet chuckle
dK a sheepish smile
N. When you go to a party or social gathering
aK make a loud entrance so eeryone notices you
bK make a Euiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
cK make the Euietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
P. "ou#re working ery hard, concentrating hard, and you#re interrupted; do you ...
aK welcome the break
bK feel e'tremely irritated
cK ary between these two e'tremes
X. Which of the following colors do you like most?
aK *ed or orange
bK black
cK yellow or light blue
dK green
eK dark blue or purple
fK white
gK brown or gray
O. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie
aK stretched out on your back
bK stretched out face down on your stomach
cK on your side, slightly curled
dK with your head on one arm
eK with your head under the coers
12. "ou often dream that you are
aK falling
bK fighting or struggling
cK searching for something or somebody
dK flying or floating
eK you usually hae dreamless sleep
fK your dreams are always pleasant
)!I%TS(
1. JaK 8 JbK I JcK N
JaK N JbK I JcK P JdK 8 JeK 1
M. JaK I JbK 8 JcK H JdK P JeK N
I. JaK I JbK N JcK 8 JdK 1
H. JaK N JbK I JcK M JdK H JeK 8
N. JaK N JbK I JcK 8
P. JaK N JbK 8 JcK I
X. JaK N JbK P JcK H JdK I JeK M JfK 8 JgK 1
O. JaK P JbK N JcK I JdK 8 JeK 1
12. JaK I JbK 8 JcK M JdK H JeK N JfK 1
%ow add up the total number of points.
!F+* N2 )!I%TS( !thers see you as someone they should "handle with care". "ou#re seen as
ain, self7centered, and who is e'tremely dominant. !thers may admire you, wishing they could
be more like you, but don#t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply inoled with you.
H1 T! N2 )!I%TS( !thers see you as an e'citing, highly olatile, rather impulsie personality; a
natural leader, who#s Euick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as
bold and adenturesome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and
enBoys an adenture. They enBoy being in your company because of the e'citement you radiate.
I1 T! H2 )!I%TS( !thers see you as fresh, liely, charming, amusing, practical, and always
interesting; someone who#s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well7balanced
not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who#ll always cheer them up and help them out.
M1 T! I2 )!I%TS( !thers see you as sensible, cautious, careful G practical. They see you as
cleer, gifted, or talented, but modest. %ot a person who makes friends too Euickly or easily, but
someone who#s e'tremely loyal to friends you do make and who e'pect the same loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you reali9e it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends,
but eEually that it takes you a long time to get oer it if that trust is eer broken.
81 T! M2 )!I%TS( "our friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as ery
cautious, e'tremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you eer
did something impulsiely or on the spur of the moment, e'pecting you to e'amine
eerything carefully from eery angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction
is caused partly by your careful nature.
-%4+* 81 )!I%TS( )eople think you are shy, nerous, and indecisie, someone who needs
looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn#t want to get
inoled with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that
don#t e'ist. Some people think you#re boring. !nly those who know you well know that you
aren#t.
%ow forward this to others, and put your score in subBect bo'.
http(>>g.msn.com>1H:1+%-S>c1H8??)IYIIMNI
Viagra Diary of a Housewife
4ay 1.
Dust celebrated our 8Hth wedding anniersary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to
re7enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
4ay 8.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He#s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the
first to know. Why doesn#t he tell me something I don#t know& I mean, he actually thinks I
haen#t noticed.
4ay M.
This marriage is in trouble. $ woman has needs. "esterday, I saw a picture of %elson#s ,olumn
and burst into tears.
4ay I.
$ miracle has happened& There#s a new drug on the market that will fi' his #problem.# It#s called
Fiagra. I told him that if he takes Fiagra, things will be Bust like they were on our wedding night.
I think this will work. I replaced his )ro9ac with the Fiagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.
4ay H.
What absolute bliss&&.
4ay N.
Isn#t life wonderful but it#s difficult to write while he#s doing that.
4ay P.
This Fiagra thing has gone to his head. %o pun intended& "esterday at /urger 5ing, the manager
asked me if I#d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. /ut, I hae to admit it#s
ery nice 7 I don#t think I#e eer been so happy.
4ay X.
I think he took too many oer the weekend. "esterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was
using his new friend as a weed eater. I#m also getting a bit sore down there.
4ay O.
%o time to write. He might catch me.
4ay 12.
!kay, I admit it. I#m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. $nd to make matters worse,
he#s washing the Fiagra down with neat whisky& What am I going to do? I feel tacky all oer....
4ay 11.
I#m basically being screwed to death. It#s like liing with a /lack and 4ecker drill. I woke up this
morning hot7glued to the bed. +en my armpits hurt. He#s a complete pig.
4ay 18.
I wish he was gay. I#e stopped wearing make7up, cleaning my teeth or een washing but he still
keeps coming after me& +en yawning has become dangerous ...
4ay 1M.
+ery time I shut my eyes, there#s a sneak attack& It#s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can
hardly walk and if he tries that "!ops, sorry" thing again, I#ll kill the bastard.
4ay 1I.
I#e done eerything to turn him off. %othing is working. I een started dressing like a nun but
this Bust seems to make him more horny. Help me.
4ay 1H.
I think I#ll hae to kill him. I#m starting to stick to eerything sit on. The cat and dog won#t go
near him and our friends don#t come oer any more. 3ast night I told him to go and f^^k himself
and he did.
4ay 1N.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing e'plodes. I did
suggest he might try stopping the Fiagra and going back on )ro9ac.
4ay 1P.
Switched the pills but it doesn#t seem to hae made any difference.....,hrist&&& here he comes
again.
4ay 1X.
He#s back on )ro9ac. The la9y sod Bust sits there in front of the telly all day with that remote
control in his hand and e'pects me to do eerything for him.
4ay 1O.
What absolute bliss&&.
" %O. /"01% S12
#verybody I know who has a dog usually calls him $%over$ or
$Spot$. I call mine Se&. 'ow, Se& has been very embarrassing to
me. (hen I went to the )ity *all to renew the dog's license, I told
the clerk that I would like a license for Se&. *e said, $I would like
to have one too+$ ,hen I said, $But she is a dog+$ *e said he didn't
care what she looked like. I said, $-ou don't understand. ... I have
had Se& since I was nine years old.$ *e replied, $-ou must have
been .uite a strong boy.$ (hen I decided to get married, I told
the minister that I would like to have Se& at the wedding. *e told
me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, $But Se& has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around
Se&.$ *e said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and
would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy
having Se& at the wedding. ,he ne&t day we were married at the
/ustice of the 0eace. "y family was barred from the church from
then on.
(hen my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with
me. (hen we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I
wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Se&. *e
said that every room in the motel is a place for se&. I said, $-ou
don't understand. ... Se& keeps me awake at night.$ ,he clerk
said, $"e too+$
1ne day I entered Se& in a contest. But before the competition
began, the dog ran away. 2nother contestant asked me why I was
just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Se& in the
contest. *e said that I should have sold my own tickets. $-ou
don't understand,$ I said, $I hoped to have Se& on ,3.$ *e called
me a show off.
(hen my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, $-our *onor, I had Se& before I was
married but Se& left me after I was married.$ ,he /udge said,
$Same here+$
Last night Se& ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
2 cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning. I said, $I'm looking for Se&.$ 55 "y case
comes up ne&t ,hursday.
(ell now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more
damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. (hy just the
other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist,
she asked me, $(hat seems to be the trouble$ I replied, $Se& has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I
can't live any longer being so lonely.$ and the doctor said, $Look
mister, you should understand that se& isn't a man's best friend
so go get yourself a dog.$
$ young doctor had moed out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
become used to a new doctor.
$t the first house a woman complained, "I#e been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you#e probably been oerdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back
on the amount you#e been eating and see if that does the trick?"
$s they left the younger man said, ""ou didn#t een e'amine that woman. How#d you come to
your diagnosis so Euickly?"
"I didn#t hae to. "ou noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent
oer to pick it up, I noticed a half do9en banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably
making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, ")retty sneaky. I think I#ll try that at the ne't house."
$rriing at the ne't house, they spent seeral minutes talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she Bust didn#t hae the energy she once did. "I#m feeling terribly run down
lately."
""ou#e probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
")erhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
$s they left, the elder doc said, ""our diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you
arrie at it?"
"Well, Bust like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retriee it,
I noticed the preacher under the bed."
3ITT3+ .3$/
!ne morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt
and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was
on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The ne't morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, ""ou
know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled oer and grabbed him by
his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, ""ou know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid
of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they
first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "*emember the first time I met you oer H2
years ago?
We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and gae you one from behind?"
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well", said the little old man, "for old time#s sake, let#s go there again, and I#ll gie you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leae the cafe. $ young man sitting ne't to them has
oerheard the conersation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be Euite amusing to see two
old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her
knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady#s hips, and
the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is I2 minutes of the most athletic se'
the young man has eer seen.
The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. 3imbs are flying eerywhere, the moement is a blur, and they do not stop for a
single second. .inally, they collapse and don#t moe for an hour.
Well, the young man is stunned. %eer in his life has he eer seen anything that eEuates to this 7
not in the moies, not from his friends, not from his own e'periences.
*eflecting on what he has Bust seen, he says to himself, "I hae to know his secret. If only I could
shag like that now, let alone in H2 years time&" The two old pensioners hae by this time
recoered and dressed themseles.
)lucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I
hae neer seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What#s your secret? ,ould you
shag like that H2 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, H2 years ago, that f^^^^^g fence wasn#t electrified."
I )*!:IS+ "!- WI33 3$-CH
This is funny and I can#t risk any bad luck. %eer under estimate the little old 3ady.....
$ little old lady went into the /ank of ,anada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that
she must speak with the president of the bank to open a saings account because, "It#s a lot of
money&"
$fter much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president#s office
Jthe customer is always right&K
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "01NH,222&"
and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
":a#am, I#m surprised you#re carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "/ets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for e'ample, I#ll bet you 08H,222 that your balls are sEuare."
"Ha&" laughed the president, "That#s a stupid bet. "ou can neer win that kind of bet&"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I#ll bet 08H,222 that my balls are not sEuare&" The little old lady then
said, "!kay, but since there is a lot of money inoled, may I bring my lawyer with me
tomorrow at 12(22 $: as a witness?"
"Sure&" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got ery nerous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror
checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were
sEuare and that he would win the bet.
The ne't morning, at precisely 12(22 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the
president#s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet( "08H,222 says
the president#s balls are sEuare&"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president did.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, !kay," said the president, "08H,222 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."
Dust then, he noticed that the lawyer was Euietly banging his head against the wall. The )resident
asked the old lady, "What the hell#s the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "%othing, e'cept I bet him 0122,222 that at 12(22 $: today, I#d hae The /ank of
,anada#s president#s balls in my hand."
$ *oman ,atholic nun is in charge of a ,lass of girls, and asks them what they would like to be
when grown up. !ne twele7year old answers, "$ prostitute."
The nun fainted. $fter a short while she reied, and looking at the girl she said, "what ...did
..you .. say . you . wanted to be?"
"$ prostitute." $gain replied the girl.
"Thank you Desus," e'claimed the nun, ".or a moment I thought you had said a )rotestant."
$ study was made recently to determine the aerage crime rate at international airports around
the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and
reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase ne't to him, which he would ignore.
!bserers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.
In /russels the case was stolen within I minutes and 82 seconds.
In Washington 4, it was stolen within M minutes and 1N seconds.
$t Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 8 minutes.
In %ew "ork, the case was stolen within 1 minute and H seconds.
In 3$ it took only IM seconds before the case was snatched.
The e'periment was going to be held at Domo 5enyatta International $irport in %airobi, 5enya,
but the people conducting the study were attacked by robbers on the way to the airport, beaten
seerely and the briefcase stolen along with the car&
$ little boy goes to his 4ad and asks, "What#s politics?" 4ad says, "Well, son, let me try to
e'plain it to you this way.
"I#m the breadwinner of the family, so let#s call me ",apitalism. " "our :om is the administrator
of the household, so we#ll call her "The Coernment".
We#re here to take care of "!-* needs so we#ll call you "The )eople".
The nanny works hard all day for ery little money so, we#ll consider her "The Working ,lass."
$nd your baby brother, we#ll call him "The .uture." %ow, think if it makes sense.
So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his 4ad has said.
3ater that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby has seerely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents# room and finds his
mother sound asleep.
%ot wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny#s room. .inding the door locked, he peeks into the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the %anny.
He gies up and goes back to bed.
The ne't morning, the little boy says to his father, "4ad, I think I understand the concept of
politics now." The father says, "Cood son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is
about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while ,apitalism is screwing the Working ,lass, the Coernment is
sound asleep, the )eople are being ignored and the .uture is in deep shit.
T*$4ITI!%$3 ,$)IT$3IS:(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou sell one and buy a bull.
"our herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
"ou sell them and retire on the income.
$:+*I,$% ,$)IT$3IS:(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother7in7law at the bank, then e'ecute a debt>eEuity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a ta' e'emption for fie cows.
The milk rights of the si' cows are transferred ia an intermediary to a ,ayman Island company
secretly owned by the maBority shareholder who sells the rights to all seen cows back to your
listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the -nited States, leaing you with nine cows. %o
balance sheet proided with the release.
The public buy your bull.
$% $-ST*$3I$% ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
"ou are surprised when the cow drops dead.
$ .*+%,H ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou go on strike because you want three cows.
$ D$)$%+S+ ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou redesign them so they are one7tenth the si9e of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
the milk. "ou then create cleer cow cartoon images called ,owkimon and market them world7
wide.
$ C+*:$% ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou reengineer them so they lie for 122 years, eat once a month, and milk themseles.
$ /*ITISH ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
/oth are mad.
$% IT$3I$% ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows, but you don#t know where they are.
"ou break for lunch.
$ *-SSI$% ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou count them and learn you hae fie cows.
"ou count them again and learn you hae I8 cows.
"ou count them again and learn you hae 18 cows.
"ou stop counting cows and open another bottle of odka.
$ SWISS ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae H222 cows, none of which belong to you.
"ou charge others for storing them.
$ ,HI%+S+ ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
"ou hae M22 people milking them.
"ou claim full employment, high boine productiity and arrest the newsman who reported the
numbers.
$ %+W Z+$3$%4 ,!*)!*$TI!%(
"ou hae two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute.
,helsea had the most e'citing news. She burst into the room shouting, "4ad& :om& I hae some
great news& %ick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are
supposed to get married ne't month.
/ill took ,helsea in the back and said, ",helsea, you#re mother, although an ideal administrator
and public speaker, has neer had much to offer in the sack, so, as you might hae heard, I hae
been known to fool around with other ladies on occasion. "our boyfriend %ick happens to be the
product of one of my loe making sessions. He is my son and thus, he is your half7brother."
,helsea ran out of the office screaming, "%ot another brother&"
She rushed to her mother#s side, telling her about her all about dad#s shameful behaiour and how
eery man she dated turns out to be one of her father#s illegitimate sons.
Hillary began to laugh and said, "4on#t pay any attention to him. He isn#t really your father
anyway."
A Man' His Wi(e' and t#e )o*
$ man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear iew mirror pulls to the side of the road. $
minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
T#e "an says' "What#s the problem officer?"
O((i+er( "ou were going PH miles an hour in a HH mile an hour 9one. I#m afraid I#m going to hae
to ticket you.
Man( %o sir, I was going a little oer N2.
Wi(e( !h, Harry. "ou were going at least X2& _The man gies wife dirty look.`
O((i+er( I#m also going to gie you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man( /roken tail light? I didn#t know about a broken tail light&
Wi(e( !h Harry, you#e known about that tail light for weeks& _The man gies his wife another a
dirty look.`
O((i+er( I#m also going to gie you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man( !h, I Bust took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wi(e% !h, Harry, you neer wear your seat belt&
The :an turns to his wife and yells, ".or cryin# out loud, can#t you Bust shut up?&"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, ":a#am, 4oes your husband talk to you this way all the
time?"
Wi(e says, "%o officer, !nly when he#s drunk."
What is the difference between men and women?
1. $ successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. $ successful
woman is one who can find such a man.
8. :en wake up as good7looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
M. $ man will pay 08 for a 01 item he wants. $ woman will pay 01 for a 08 item that she doesn#t
want.
I. $ woman marries a man e'pecting he will change, but he doesn#t. $ man marries a woman
e'pecting that she won#t change, and she does.
H. There are two times when a man doesn#t understand a woman7 before and after marriage.
N. $ woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. $ man neer worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
P. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and loe him a little. To be happy
with a woman, you must loe her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
X. $ny married man should forget his mistakes. There#s no use in two people remembering the
same thing&
O. $ woman has the last word in any argument. $nything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
12. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the
ending of romance.
$ woman takes a loer during the day, while her husband is at work. !ne day, her O7year7old son
hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home une'pectedly, so she hides
the loer in the closet.
The little boy says, "It#s dark in here."
The man whispers, ""es, it is."
/oy 7 "I hae a baseball."
:an 7 "That#s nice."
/oy 7 "Want to buy it?"
:an 7 "%o, thanks."
/oy 7 ":y dad#s outside."
:an 7 "!5, how much?"
/oy 7 "08H2."
In the ne't few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom#s loer end up in the closet
together.
/oy 7 "It#s dark in here."
:an 7 ""es, it is."
/oy 7 "I hae a baseball gloe."
:an 7 *emembering last time, asks, "How much?"
/oy 7 "0PH2."
:an 7 ".ine."
$ few days later, the father says to the boy, "Crab your ball and gloe. 3et#s
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can#t. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
The son says "01,222."
The father says, "It#s terrible to oercharge your friends like that. That#s way more than those two
things cost. I#m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes
the door.
The boy says, "It#s dark in here."
The priest says, "4on#t start that shit in here&"
.ie surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, eerything inside is numbered."
The second responds, ""eah, but you should try electricians&
+erything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "%o, I really think librarians are the best;
eerything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in( ""ou know, I like construction workers... those guys always
understand when you hae a few parts left oer at the end, and when the Bob takes longer than
you said it would."
/ut the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he obsered( ""ou#re all wrong. )oliticians are the
easiest to operate on. There#s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."
These are the top ten funniest e'cuse notes from parents collected by schools from all oer this
country.
1. )lease e'cuse 3ola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
8. Dimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
M. :y daughter is under a doctor#s care and should not take ).+. today. )lease e'ecute her.
I. )lease e'cuse Denny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
H. Sandra won#t be in school a week from today. We hae to attend her funeral.
N. )lease e'cuse Holly from Dim today. She is administrating.
P. 5ein was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in
the growing part.
X. $my could not come to school today because she was bothered by ery close eins.
O. )lease e'cuse Dohnny for being. It was his father#s fault.
12. )lease e'cuse Desse from school. He had ery loose owels.
3ike :other 3ike 4aughter
$ mother and daughter loed to play around. They partied eeryday and always ended up
fucking eerybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. !ne
day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. %ow, the man did not
know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a irgin. So he decided to leae any
loemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her
hole and consulted her mother, ":um, I#m worried, what will )eter do if he finds out about my
hole?" :other said, "4on#t worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband7to7be. Here#s
what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won#t een notice it." So the
daughter did what her mother taught her and eerything went well and the stupid husband didn#t
een notice. This went on for a few months. %ow, eery time the daughter wanted to bathe, she
would take out the apple and place it on the washbasin and after bathing, she would put it back in
her hole. !ne day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the washbasin. The
husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for
him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great&" Shocked, the daughter dare not
tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, ":um, I#m in deep shit now& I took
out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and )eter found the apple I left on
the washbasin and ate it& What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I#m scared, mum." :other
said, "4on#t worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the W$T+*:+3!% I left in the
washroom and he lied&"
,!%S+%T .!*: SIC%+4 /+.!*+ S+a-$3 I%T+*,!-*S+(
This certifies that, I the undersigned female Jhereafter referred to as the "screwee"K is about to
enBoy se'ual intercourse with cccccccccccccccc Jhereafter referred to as the "screwer"K.
I am aboe the lawful age of consent, I am in my right mind and I am not under the influence of
any narcotic substances. The aforementioned screwer need not use any force, threats, coercion or
promises to influence me. .urthermore I, the screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoeer, and do
not e'pect or wish to marry him.
I do not know if he is married or not, and I do not care. I am neither asleep nor drunk, I#m
entering this relationship with him because I loe it and want it as much as he does. In the eent
whereby I receie the full satisfaction, which I e'pect, I declare in adance the capacity and
willingness to further participation as soon as time permits. In addition, I will not act as a witness
against him nor will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant, contract a se'ual disease or
feel that he
is iolating any legislation, moral, legal or otherwise.
Signed naked before Bumping into bed on this ccccccccc day of the ccccccccc :onth in the
year of our 3ord 8228.
Signature of screwee
(ccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
4ate of birth
(ccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
4ate of conduct
(cccccccccccccccccccccccccc
Insanity
I thought you#ll enBoy this.................I did.
$t lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See
if they slow down.
)age yourself oer the intercom. 4on#t disguise your oice.
Insist that your email address is( aenacWarriorc)rincessdcompanyname.com or
+liscthec5ingdcompanyname.com
+ery time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
)ut your garbage can on your desk and label it "I%."
4eelop an unnatural fear of staplers.
)ut decaf in the coffee maker for M weeks. !nce eeryone has gotten oer their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write #for se'ual faors.#
*eply to eerything someone says with, "That#s what you think."
.inish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Dimmy."
$dBust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness leel lights up the entire work area. Insist
to others that you like it that way.
4on#t use any punctuation.
$s often as possible, skip rather than walk.
$sk people what se' they are. 3augh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drie7through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Co to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don#t rhyme.
.ind out where your boss shops and buy e'actly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your
boss does. This is especially effectie if your boss is of the opposite gender.
Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you#re doing. .or e'ample, "If anyone
needs me, I#ll be in the bathroom, in stall M."
)ut mosEuito netting around your cubicle. )lay a tape of Bungle sounds all day.
.ie days in adance, tell your friends you can#t attend their party because you#re not in the
mood.
,all O11 and ask if O11 is for emergencies.
,all the psychic hotline and don#t say anything.
Hae your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, *ock Hard.
When the money comes out of the $T:, scream "I Won& I Won& Mrd time this week&"
When leaing the 9oo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "*un for your lies, they#re
loose&"
Tell your boss, "It#s not the oices in my head that bother me, it#s the oices in your head that
do."
Tell your children oer dinner, "4ue to the economy, we are going to hae to let one of you go."
+ery time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here&"
/efore 7 "ou take my breath away
$fter 7 I feel like I#m suffocating
/efore 7 Twice a night
$fter 7 Twice a month
/efore 7 She says she loes the way I take control of a situation
$fter 7 She called me a controlling, manipulatie egomaniac
/efore 7 Saturday %ight .eer
$fter 7 :onday %ight .ootball
/efore 7 4on#t stop
$fter 7 4on#t start
/efore 7 Is that all you#re haing?
$fter 7 :aybe you should hae Bust a salad, honey
/efore 7 It#s like I#m liing in a dream
$fter 7 It#s like he lies in a dorm
/efore 7 0N2>do9.
$fter 7 01.H2>stem
/efore 7 Turbocharged
$fter 7 Dump7start
/efore 7 We agree on eerything
$fter 7 We can#t agree on anything
/efore 7 Fictoria#s Secret
$fter 7 .ruit7of7the73oom
/efore 7 Idol
$fter 7 Idle
/efore 7 He#s completely lost without me
$fter 7 Why won#t he eer ask for directions?
/efore 7 Time stood still
$fter 7 Where did the time go?
/efore 7 ,roissant and cappuccino
$fter 7 /agel and instant
/efore 7 I can hardly beliee we found each other
$fter 7 I can#t beliee I ended up with someone like you
/efore 7 )assion
$fter ? *ation
:oral( 3et#s enBoy the good times before they#re gone&&&
)lease make sure you forward this back to me.......you#ll see why at the end& Think about them
one at a time /+.!*+ going on to the ne't one..IT 4!+S :$5+ "!- .++3 C!!4 specially
the thought at the
end.
1. .alling in loe.
8. 3aughing so hard your face hurts.
M. $ hot shower.
I. %o lines at the supermarket
H. $ special glance.
N. Cetting mail
P. Taking a drie on a pretty road.
X. Hearing your faourite song on the radio.
O. 3ying in bed listening to the rain outside.
12. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. .inding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
18. ,hocolate milkshake. Jor anilla&K Jor strawberryK
1M. $ long distance phone call.
1I. $ bubble bath.
1H. Ciggling.
1N. $ good conersation.
1P. The beach
1X. .inding a 82 note in your coat from last winter.
1O. 3aughing at yourself.
82. :idnight phone calls that last for hours.
81. *unning through sprinklers.
88. 3aughing for absolutely no reason at all.
8M. Haing someone tell you that you#re beautiful.
8I. 3aughing at an inside Boke.
8H. .riends.
8N. $ccidentally oerhearing someone say something nice about you.
8P. Waking up and realising you still hae a few hours left to sleep.
8X. "our first kiss Jeither the ery first or with a new partnerK.
8O. :aking new friends or spending time with old ones.
M2. )laying with a new puppy.
M1. Haing someone play with your hair.
M8. Sweet dreams.
MM. Hot chocolate.
MI. *oad trips with friends.
MH. Swinging on swings.
MN. Wrapping presents under the ,hristmas tree while eating cookies
and drinking your faourite drink .
MP. Song lyrics printed inside your new ,4 so you can sing along
without feeling stupid.
MX. Coing to a really good concert.
MO. :aking eye contact with a cute stranger
I2. Winning a really competitie game.
I1. :aking chocolate chip cookies.
I8. Haing your friends send you home7made cookies.
IM. Spending time with close friends.
II. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
IH. Holding hands with someone you care about.
IN. *unning into an old friend and realising that some things Jgood
or badK neer change.
IP. *iding the best roller coasters oer and oer.
IX. Watching the e'pression on someone#s face as they open a much
desired present from you.
IO. Watching the sunrise.
H2. Cetting out of bed eery morning and being grateful for another
beautiful day.
)$SS !% TH+S+ %$T-*$3 HICHS T! $T 3+$ST P )+!)3+ I% TH+ %+aT H$3.
H!-*
$%4 S!:+THI%C .$%T$STI, WI33 H$))+% T! "!- I% TH+ %+aT .+W H!-*S. /e
sure
to send it back to the person who sent it to you&
.riends are Euiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings hae
trouble remembering how to fly.
Turn To Stone
!nce there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he
decided to sneak into one. !nce he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until
they started taking of their clothing. That#s when he bolted out the door and started running down
the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What#s wrong young man? "ou look like you
Bust saw a ghost&" The little boy replies, ":y mommy and daddy told me that if I eer watched
anybody undress, I#d turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard&
Truck 4rier
$ truck drier was driing a fully loaded lorry to the top of a steep hill. Dust as he was starting
down the eEually steep slope, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road,
making wild and passionate loe. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn seeral times as he was
nearing down on them. He reali9ed that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so he
slammed on his brakes and stopped Bust inches from them. .urious, he got out and walked to the
front of the truck.
He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What#s the matter with you two? 4idn#t
you hear me blowing the horn? "ou could hae been killed?" +entually, the man looked up at
the truck drier, obiously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "3ook, I was coming, she
was coming and you were coming. "ou were the only one with brakes........."
.inancial %eeds
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. /ut then the wife
stops and says, "I don#t feel like it, I Bust want you to hold me." The husband says "WH$T??"
The wife e'plains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The
husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the
ne't day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on
three ery e'pensie outfits. $nd then tells his wife. We#ll take all three of them. Then goes
oer and gets matching shoes worth 0822 each. $nd then goes to the Dewelry 4ept. and gets a set
of diamond earrings. The wife is so e'cited Jshe thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does
not careK. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don#t een play tennis,
but !5 if you like it then lets get it." The wife is Bumping up and down so e'cited she cannot
een beliee what is going on. She says,& "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The
husband says," no 7 no 7 no, honey we#re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife#s face goes
blank. "%o honey 7 I Bust want you to H!34 this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and
she is about to e'plode and then the Husband says, ""ou must not be in tune with my financial
needs as a :an&&&
4ear :r. )resident(
I am forced to write to you at this momentous time in this e'traordinary public manner because
there is no other iable way I can reach you. I am also doubtful that though I could be counted as
a ""oung Turk," haing been born after independence, I would hae been as lucky as :r. -huru
5enyatta, to hae the unprecedented access to your ears. -nfortunately, both my parents were
not as lucky as -huru#s parents; They neer occupied any e'alted place in the 5enyan polity. /e
that as it may,in iew of your recent statements about -huru 5enyatta, I hae a few Euestions,
which I hope you can answer for me 7 and by e'tension 7 for the silent 5enyans.
1. .irst, although you hae repeatedly told 5enyans that you chose -huru because of his
e'emplary Eualities, you hae neer specifically listed what those Eualities are. ,ould you be
ery kind enough to e'plain to 5enyans the Eualities that attracted you to uhuru and that you are
initing 5enyans to accept? I am particularly interested in those aspects of -huru#s Eualities that
relate to public serice, goernment administration, management, leadership and organi9ation.
8. Second, when you tell us that -huru is so young yet ery e'perienced and knowledgeable that
he should succeed you as president of the *epublic of 5enya, you hae always cited his marital
status and the fact that he has children. /ut :r. )resident, if these are the strongest Eualities for
the )resident of the *epublic of 5enya, hae you actually tallied how many other 5enyans of
-huru#s age are married with children? If so, what are their chances of succeeding you?
M. Third, you hae repeatedly told 5enyans to trust your Budgement about -huru because of your
fifty7plus years in politics and your wisdom. /ut :r. )resident, did you seriously consider and
consult the iews of other 5enyans of your generation and political e'perience like *amogi
$chien#g !neko, :artin Shikuku and /ildad 5aggia?
I. .ourth, you hae also e'horted 5enyans to support your faourite choice because he is not a
tribalist. Howeer, could you please tell 5enyans when and how you discoered this ideal
Euality in -huru?
H. .ifth, :r. )resident, we hae seen you traerse the full e'tent of our nation with -huru
5enyatta, Dirongo, Sunkuli, /iwott and William *uto, asking us to support these chosen sons of
5enya as our ne't rulers. Howeer, some us hae wondered what message you are sending out to
young girls in 5enya when you ask them to support Sunkuli. Some of us hae also been
wondering what kind of message you are giing to the financial markets and our friends abroad
when you ask 5enyans to ote for a Dirongo and a *uto. $nd of course, we are still worried
about all those half7answered Euestions about 4r. !uko#s death and the aftermath of the aborted
inEuiry into that death when we see you solicit the "power" of :r. /iwot to help you "elect"
-huru to the presidency of the *epublic of 5enya.
N. Si'th, you hae told 5enyans numerous times that you loe peace and that you would like to
leae 5enya a peaceful place to lie in. If this is true :r.)resident, then why do you find it so
difficult to accept our erdict that your choice is defectie? If you truly loe peace, why are you
putting 5enyans on a collision course? Hae you cared to ask 5enyans why they hae reBected
-huru as ine'perienced?
P. Seenth, :r. )resident is the statement you recently made in 5isumu about 5.$.%.-.haing
its owners. Were you misEuoted or you meant what you said? $nd if indeed 5.$.%.-. has its
owners, could you please :r. )resident Bust e'plain to 5enyans who these are so that we do not
hae to bother those owners again? $nd while still at it, could you also tell us when 5.$.%.-.
was purchased by these people and for how much? Who sold 5.$.%.-. to its new owners? What
happened to the old owners?
X. +ighth, 5enyans would like to know whether or not you are really serious about this -huru
)roBect or is it Bust like the other e'periments you tried and abandoned before?
O. %inth, If you loe us so much as to go to the e'tent of bringing -huru to life from political
obliion, why hae you not done something to accelerate the stalled ,onstitutional *eiew
)rocess?
12. $nd finally :r. )resident, what constitutional or legal basis allows you to use public
facilities like police and military eEuipment to campaign for -huru 5enyatta? ,ould you also
e'plain to 5enyans where both you and your entourage get the millions of shillings you hae
dishing out at eery campaign stop you hae had? !nce more, since I am not able to
communicate with you directly, could you please publish your response the same way my
Euestions hae come to your attention?
I thank you sincerely for taking time off from your busy campaign swing across 5enya to
address these Euestions for us. :ay Cod gie you more strength to fulfil your duties to the
%ation.
"ours faithfully,
T*-+ 5+%"$%
$nd where r u all?
Cood day.
/efore "ou 3eae
$ wife arried home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with
a young, loely thing. Dust as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her
with these words( "/efore you leae, I want you to hear how this all came about. 4riing
home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I
brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her
shoes were worn out so I gae her a pair of your shoes you didn#t wear because they were out
of style. She was cold so I gae her that new birthday sweater you neer wore een once because
the color didn#t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gae her a pair of yours that you don#t fit
into anymore. Then as she was about to leae the house, she paused and asked, #Is there
anything else that your wife doesn#t use anymore?# "$nd so, here we are&"
Teeth
$ blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what *ita Bust
told me ..... /abies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
""es, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subBect had finally come up, and she wouldn#t
hae to e'plain it in detail to her daughter.
"/ut then, when I hae a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won#t it knock my teeth out?"
/irthday Cift
$ young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart#s birthday and as they had not
been dating ery long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloes would strike the
right note( romantic but not too personal. $ccompanied by his sweetheart#s younger sister, he
went to %ordstrom#s and bought a pair of white gloes. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. 4uring the wrapping, the clerk mi'ed up the items and the sister got the gloes and the
sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note(
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the eening. If it had not been for your sister, I would hae chosen the long ones with the buttons
but she wears short ones that are easier to remoe. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they
are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to
put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before
I hae a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Dust think how many
times I will kiss them during the coming year&
).S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
sample this&
YYYYYYYYYYYYY
SubBect( 12 reasons why -huru Should be )resident
WanBira,
"ou and 5ong#ani should be thrown into Bail for seeming to go against our young and isionary
leader. !ur isionary leader#s main agenda is to create employment. How do you e'pect that to
happen if the heart of our capital city, 5enyatta aenue, is rid of street children?&&&&& The number
will, on the contrary, double, triple or een Euadruple eery year. That will create employment
in numerous sectors. !ne of the street children will also, automatically and most democratically,
be elected :ayor and then there will be no need to waist money on garbage collection, putting
up residential houses, paying salaries of city hall askaris and all that old generation garb. We
hae ision, a lot of it, about which you are unlikely to know much. Where you belong is in the
dead opposition and you better go there H$*$5$ S$%$&
/::
\ 5ongani,
\ "ou are mad&&& Howeer, there are more reasons still why -huru should
\ be president.
1. We do not need rename our roads, schools and other public
institutions with the new )residents name.
8. -huru )ark will remain the main arena for )ublic Holidays ? better still it will receie
some better attention and you can be sure it won#t be grabbed.
M. 5enyatta $enue will remain the main street in %airobi and better still will be rehabilitated
and cleaned off the street kids.
I. 5enyatta Hospital once renowned for its efficiency and success will go back to its old
5ing Ceorge glory days.
H. 5enyatta :arket might Bust get an upgrade.
N. We could Bust get the !ld 5enyatta note#s back and sticking to one image on the money
Bust like the dollar.
P. 5enyatta -niersity Eualifications will start to hold more weight in the Bob market.
X. -huru gardens, a fantastic picnic spot will come to the fore of many who do not een
know it e'ists.
O. We get to keep 5enyatta 4ay and with :oi day scrapped we do not hae to worry about
too many public holidays that hae an aderse effect on our C4).
12. The 5enyatta Stadium in :achakos will see some increased actiity bringing some much
needed reenue to -kambani 7 in line with the !sa Finya :ukamba plan.
$dd more that might come to mind but leae these Top 12 reasons intact.
11. -huru na 5a9i motto may at long last bear fruit, ending the long stretch of Boblessness.
18. Harambees will again mean pulling together for some worthy cause.
1M. We will see a upsurge in the sell of the #kenyatta# belt, thus an increase in the much
needed foreign e'change
1I. We will get to see old bags retiring at HH again as they will not be able to keep up with
the youthful energy soon to be unleashed.
1H. Ta'ation on alcoholic beerages will be reduced to increase olume consumption, thus
still managing to hae proBected ta' returns and a happier nation.
1N. 4ental care will cease to be a priority thus allowing the citi9ens to use their hard earned
disposable income on other needs including b1H
1P. .ewer fashion colleges in line with the lack of fashion sense by the office bearer, parents
can thus redeploy hard earned cash to other obligations including b1H
1X. )oint Hs will get a confidence boost and it will be fashionable to date and een marry
them.
1O. $cademics and so7called hard work will cease to be a irtue in 5enya as Idlers and
:ommy#s boys will rank ery highly.
82. :y faourite estate "-nyee" will hae clean highrise buildings Bust like %yayo +state in
+mbakasi
81. :any more 5enyans will know the 5iswahili word for Independence
88. :ungiki will replace the trainers at 5iganBo Ja change is better than a restK and we might Bust
see some good results Jno need for police uniform, etcK
8M. Thuggery will be eeryone#s stock7in7trade, with the conesEuence that no one will need to
worry 77 since we will all be thugs&
8I. 4, :wango Jas he then wasK will be punished for publicly humiliating and shaing a school
teacher#s goatee in the mid7X2s.
8H. The national call to action will shift from "harambee&&&" to "niaBe&&&&" which will be more
familiar to the new )resident and his cronies.
8N. We can shut down all churches and mosEues and worship under a mugumo tree and thus use
church and mosEue buildings as off7licences.
8P. We replace cigarettes with snuff and thus finally we can declare( Snuff makes us eEual, has
no eEual.
8X. :ungiki will ensure all 5enyan women undergo ..C.:. thus presering our beloed
traditional alues and keeping society moral.
8O. )olice will stop arresting people for drunken driing since they will be permanently drunk
themseles according to %o. 1H aboe.
M2. Since he is the only one who is aboe tribal politics, he will destroy all those who are below
tribal politics Jall the rest of us&&K and he will then lie happily eer after.
SubBect( .W( The female loo e'perience
This is dedicated to all women eerywhere who hae eer had to deal with a public toilet. $nd it
finally e'plains to all you men what takes us so long. :y mother was a fanatic about public
toilets. $s a little girl, she#d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the
seat. Then, she#d carefully lay strips of toilet paper to coer the seat. .inally, she#d instruct,
"%eer, neer sit on a public toilet seat." $nd she#d demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted
of balancing oer the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make
contact with the toilet seat. /ut by this time, I#d hae peed down my leg. $nd we#d go home.
That was a long time ago. I#e had lots of e'perience with public toilets since then, but I#m still
not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red7eye sensors. Those
toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. /ut I always confuse their
psychic ability by following my mother#s adice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is
e'cruciatingly difficult to maintain when one#s bladder is especially full. This is most likely to
occur after watching a full7length feature film.
4uring the moie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance.
"ou know what I mean. "ou drink a two litter cup of 4iet ,oke, then sit still through a three7our
saga because, for Cod#s sake, een if you didn#t wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you#d
still miss the piotal part of the moie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man#s
naked derriere.
So, you cross your legs and you hold it. $nd you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint
to the bathroom, about ready to e'plode all oer your internal organs. $nd at the bathroom, you
find a line of women that makes you think there#s a half7price sale on :el Cibson#s underwear in
there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
politely. $nd you finally get closer. "ou check for feet under the stall doors. +ery one is
occupied. "ou hope no one is doing friolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her
nose or checking the contents of her wallet. .inally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly
knocking down the woman leaing the stall. "ou get in to find the door won#t latch. It doesn#t
matter. "ou hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.
*elief. :ore relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. "ou#d loe to sit down but you certainly
hadn#t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs
e'perience a Euake that would register an eight on the *ichter scale. To take your mind off it,
you reach for the toilet paper.
:ight as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. "our thighs
shake more. "ou remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered
popcorn. It would hae to do. "ou crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than
your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn#t work and your
pocketbook whams you in the head. "!ccupied&" you scream as you reach out for the door,
dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto
the toilet seat. "ou get up Euickly, but it#s too late. "our bare bottom has made contact with all
the germs and life forms on the bare seat because "!- neer laid down toilet paper, not that
there was any, een if you had enough time to. "our mother would be utterly ashamed of you if
she knew, because her bare bottom neer touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, ""ou
don#t know what kind of diseases you could get." /y this time, the automatic sensor on the back
of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and
then it suddenly sucks eerything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper
dispenser for fear of being dragged to ,hina. $t that point, you gie up. "ou#re finished peeing.
"ou#re soaked by the splashing water. "ou#re e'hausted. "ou try to wipe with a ,hicklet
wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. "ou can#t figure
out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross7legged and unable to smile
politely at this point. !ne kind soul at the ery end of the line points out that you are trailing a
piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long& as the :ississippi *ier. "ou yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman#s hand and say warmly, "Here "ou might need this."
$t this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and e'ited his bathroom and read a
copy of War and )eace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This
is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home
$ man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Denny on it that I found in your
trouser pocket."
The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Denny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TF when his wife bashes him on the head with an een
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
-pon re7gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
""our horse phoned."
...and here comes another dossier&&&&
:oi running scared of -huru#s homose'uality
.rom( 5anu insider 7 :on, Sep 2O, P(8N $:
:oi sacked )eter !doyo as assistant minister .oreign $ffairs after !doyo threatened to reeal
sordid details of -huru#s time in /oston. What :oi fails to realise is that the truth is coming out
before -huru becomes president and not after. :oi#s plan is to bring the 5ikuyu to ridicule by
plugging a homose'ual as the ne't president. This is his way of aenging the treatment meted
out to him when he was F) by the 5iambu mafia. The 5iambu mafia are drien by blindness
and only care that one of their own will be president. -ntil this weekend, -huru was an easy sell
but knowing 5enyans distaster for homose'uals, -huru is going to be a hard sell. :oi neer
forgets nor forgies and this is his way of paying back the 5ikuyu in spades. 5enyans hae not
seen anything yet and the ne't few days promise to be ery ugly indeed.
1.This guy has no ",F"... no company will hire him co9 he has a lot of blanks in his ,F. He#s
been doing 9ero, nothing for so many years. The Bob he got with the Tourist $ssociation, was as
a result of his mum pleading with :o1 to gie him something to do 7 sources confirm.
8.This guy has neer seen the reason to work ? a member of the board of directors at +gerton 7
not een one meeting did he attend. $s the chairman of the the 5enya Tourist "whateer" 7 neer
did he trael to sell 5enya abroad.
M.The 5enyatta family owns /rookside, 5enya $erotech, %$S etc. %ot een 5enyatta#s
immediate family will entrust -huru to run any of these ,ompanies. :uhoho runs them. Who is
he to manage 5enya.
I.We know he#s a drunkard, as confessed by those waiters at Crand *egency,but more so this
guy is la9y as a pig. I can neer enision this guy waking up at H(22 am to be in his office by
N(M2 am.5enya needs a "workaholic" leaderJthe likes of *aila, Saitoti, %yachae, 5ibakiK and not
a "slacker" like -huru ? no wonder he was late for his father#s memorial in $ugust.....
H.Why is it that#s it#s only his :um that has endorsed him to succeed :o1. What about the rest of
the 5 family? They know something 7 we don#t.
N.He#s not smart enough to realise that he is being used as a genie pig co9 :oi#s intention is to
look for a kyuk within 5anu to match up with 5ibaki. %o regard to 5enya#s interest 7 anything
for 5anu to win to protect :oi#s interests in retirement. $s 5ibaki calls it tribal arithmetics.
P.Has he been part of a team to draft, or better still to look at, 5anu#s manifesto 7 %o. 5enya
/udget 7 %o. .iscal )olicy 7 %o. .oreign )olicy 7 %o ,onstitution of 5enya 7 %o.......
X./efore :oi, this guy had neer won an election 7 reason#s are he had no deelopment track
record and has neer had any. Someone says( -huru should be send to cape town, we#ll be
haing the Cay )ride march soon...sure he can earn some otes there& He belongs to ,hama cha
*ear :oement J,*:K. Watu wa %yuma. The guy is an ass7pounder, he is a weirdo and
honestly seems high on a mi'ture of grass and petrol.
)lease spread the word like wild fire&& )ass it on....
SubBect( :" :!:....
Hi, I#m sorry about this fwd.
:y name is Dasmine. I#m 11 years old. :y mommy worked on the 82th floor in the World Trade
Tower. !n Sept. 11 8221 my daddy droe my mom to work. She was running late so she left her
purse in the car. :y daddy seen it so he parked the car and went to gie her the purse.
That day after school my daddy didn=t come to pick me up. Instead a police man came and took
me to foster care . .inally I found out why my daddy neer came.. I really loed him.... They
neer found his body.. :y mom is in the Hospital since then.. She is losing lots of blood..
She needs to go through surgery.. /ut since my daddy is gone and no one is working..
We hae no money .. $nd her surgery cost lots of money.. So the *ed ,ross said that for eery
time this email is fwd we will get 12 cent for my mom#s surgery. So please hae a heart and fwd
this to eeryone you know I really miss my daddy and now I dont want to lose my mommy too..
*.I.). 4addy..JDames ThomasK
WH+% "!- .W4 )3+$S+ $3S! .W4 T! THIS 3+TT+* /$,5 T! :+...
$T.... Bas%mom8221dyahoo.com emailto(Bas%mom8221dyahoo.com\
S! TH$T TH+ *+4,*!SS )+!)3+ ,$% ,!-%T TH+ .W4S.
thank you for taking your time to fwd this email this really means alot me and my future..
loe,
Dasmine
Heart ,ar"ing- Ha.e a /lessed day000)iru
A indergarten tea+#er ,as o/ser.ing #er +lassroo" o( +#ildren ,#ile t#ey dre,- S#e
,ould o++asionally ,alk around to look at t#e art,ork- As s#e got to one little girl ,#o ,as
,orking diligently' s#e asked ,#at t#e dra,ing ,as- T#e girl re*lied' 1I2" dra,ing 3od-1
T#e tea+#er
*aused and said' 1/ut no one kno,s ,#at 3od looks like-1 Wit#out "issing a /eat' or
looking u* (ro" #er dra,ing t#e girl re*lied' 1T#ey ,ill in a "inute-1
44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
A Sunday s+#ool tea+#er ,as dis+ussing t#e Ten )o""and"ents ,it# #er $ and 5 year0
olds- A(ter e6*laining t#e +o""and"ent 1Honor t#y 7at#er and t#y "ot#er'1 s#e asked'
1Is t#ere a +o""and"ent t#at tea+#es us #o, to treat our /rot#ers and sisters81
One little /oy ans,ered' 1T#ou s#all not kill-1
444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
An #onest 90year0old ad"itted +al"ly to #er *arents t#at Billy Bro,n #ad kissed #er a(ter
+lass- 1Ho, did t#at #a**en8' 1 gas*ed #er "ot#er-
1It ,asn2t easy'1 ad"itted t#e young lady' 1/ut t#ree girls #el*ed "e +at+# #i"-1
444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
One day a little girl ,as sitting and ,at+#ing #er "ot#er do t#e dis#es at t#e kit+#en sink-
S#e
suddenly noti+ed t#at #er "ot#er #ad se.eral strands o( ,#ite #air sti+king out in +ontrast
to #er
/runette #air- S#e looked at #er "ot#er and in:uisiti.ely asked' 1W#y are so"e o( your
#airs
,#ite' Mo"81
Her "ot#er re*lied' 1Well' e.ery ti"e t#at you do so"et#ing ,rong and "ake "e +ry or
un#a**y' one o( "y #airs turns ,#ite- T#e little girl t#oug#t a/out t#is re.elation (or a
,#ile and t#en said' 1Mo""a' #o, +o"e ALL o( grand"a2s #airs are ,#ite81
44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
A &0year0old ,ent ,it# #is dad to see a litter o( kittens- On returning #o"e' #e /reat#lessly
in(or"ed #is "ot#er t#at t#ere ,ere t,o /oy kittens and t,o girl kittens-
1Ho, did you kno,81 #is "ot#er asked-
1Daddy *i+ked t#e" u* and looked underneat#'1 #e re*lied- 1I t#ink it2s *rinted on t#e
/otto"-1
444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
T#e +#ildren #ad all /een *#otogra*#ed' and t#e tea+#er ,as trying to *ersuade t#e" ea+#
to /uy a +o*y o( t#e grou* *i+ture- 1!ust t#ink #o, ni+e it ,ill /e to look at it ,#en you are
all gro,n u* and say% 1T#ere2s !enni(er; s#e2s a la,yer' or T#at2s Mi+#ael- He2s a do+tor-1
A s"all .oi+e at t#e /a+k o( t#e roo" rang out' 1And t#ere2s t#e tea+#er- S#e2s dead1-
44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
A tea+#er ,as gi.ing a lesson on t#e +ir+ulation o( t#e /lood- Trying To "ake t#e "atter
+learer' #e said' 1No,' /oys' i( I stood on "y #ead' T#e /lood' as you kno, ,ould run into
it' and I ,ould turn red in t#e (a+e-1
1<es' sir'1 t#e /oys said- 1T#en ,#y is it t#at ,#ile I a" standing u*rig#t in t#e ordinary
*osition' t#e /lood doesn2t run into "y (eet81
A little (ello, s#outed' 12)ause yer (eet ain2t e"*ty-1
4444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
7or ,eeks' a 50year old lad ke*t telling #is (irst0grade tea+#er a/out t#e /a/y /rot#er or
sister
t#at ,as e6*e+ted at #is #ouse- One day t#e "ot#er allo,ed t#e /oy to (eel t#e "o.e"ents
o( t#e un/orn +#ild- T#e 50year old ,as o/.iously i"*ressed' /ut #e "ade no +o""ent-
7urt#er"ore' #e sto**ed telling #is tea+#er a/out t#e i"*ending e.ent-
T#e tea+#er (inally sat t#e /oy on #er la* and said' 1To""y' ,#ate.er /e+a"e o( t#at
/a/y /rot#er or sister you ,ere e6*e+ting at #o"e81 To""y /urst into tears and
+on(essed' 1I t#ink Mo""y ate it=1
44444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
On t#e (irst day o( s+#ool' t#e indergarten tea+#er said' 1I( anyone #as to go to t#e
/at#roo"' #old u* t,o (ingers-1
A little .oi+e (ro" t#e /a+k o( t#e roo" asked' 1Ho, ,ill t#at #el*81
4444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444
W#en I ,as si6 "ont#s *regnant ,it# "y t#ird +#ild' "y t#ree year old +a"e into t#e
roo" ,#en I ,as just getting ready to get into t#e s#o,er-

S#e said' 1Mo""y' you are getting (at=1
I re*lied' 1<es' #oney' re"e"/er Mo""y #as a /a/y gro,ing in #er tu""y-1
1I kno,'1 s#e re*lied' 1/ut ,#at is gro,ing in your /utt81

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"ig#t like' *lease "ail it to "e=
)#e+k out t#e auto joke"ailer on t#e ,e/ at%
#tt*%AArgiskard-/io-u+i-eduA4jokes

3o 3it <o Ma""a
$ redneck family from the hills was isiting the city and they were in a mall for the
first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife
shopped. They were ama9ed by almost eerything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, siler walls that could moe apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ")aw, What#s #at?"
The father Jneer haing seen an eleatorK responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain#t neer
seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain#t got no idea#r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with ama9ement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moing walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers aboe the walls light up
seEuentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reerse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, oluptuous 8I7year7old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said Euietly to his Son, "/oy,
go git yo :omma....
17Symptfme ( )ieds froids et humides.
,ause ( Ton erre est inclinQ sous un angle incorrect.
Solution ( Tourner le erre BusEu#a ce Eue la partie ouerte soit ers le haut.
87Symptfme ( )ieds chauds et mouillQs.
,ause ( ,a y est, tu t#es pissQ dessus.
Solution ( Fa te sQcher au' toilettes les plus proches.
M7Symptfme ( 3e comptoir est en Qmail blanc.
,ause ( Fous n#Utes touBours pas sorti des toilettes.
Solution ( $ppele9 a l#aide.
I7 Symptfme ( Fous n#ae9 pas la biTre Eue ous ae9 commandQ depuis g d#heure.
,ause ( 3e comptoir est derriTre ous.
Solution ( *etourne97ous, otre biTre est la.
H7Symptfme ( 3e mur d#en face est plein de lumiTres.
,ause ( Tu es tombQ sur le dos.
Solution ( )ositionne ton corps R O2 degrQs par rapport au sol.
N7 Symptfme ( Ta bouche est pleine de mQgots.
,ause ( T#as piEuQ du ne9 sur le cendrier.
Solution ( *etire tout Va et rQgale7toi la bouche aec un bon gin tonic.
P7 Symptfme ( Fue troublQe.
,ause ( Tu regardes R traers un erre ide.
Solution ( *edemande une tournQe de ta boisson faorite.
X7 Symptfme ( 3e sol se dQplace sous tes pieds.
,ause ( 4eu' ideurs te sortent du bar.
Solution ( 4emande au moins oh ils t#emmTnent.
O7Symptfme ( *eflets multiples de isages te regardant fi'ement dans l#eau.
,ause ( Tu es dans les toilettes, essayant de omir.
Solution ( :ets7toi un doigt dans la gorge.
127 Symptfme ( 3es gens autour de toi parlent aec un Qcho mystQrieu'.
,ause ( Tu as le erre dans l#oreille.
Solution ( $rrUte de faire le crQtin.
117Symptfme ( 3a disco bouge beaucoup, les gens sont habillQs en blanc et
la musiEue est asse9 monotone.
,ause ( Tu es dans une ambulance.
Solution ( %e pas bouger. )ossible coma QthyliEue.
187Symptfme ( Ton pTre a l#air trTs bi9arre et tes frangins te regardent d#un air QtonnQ.
,ause ( Tu t#es gourrQ de maison.
Solution ( 4emande leur s#ils peuent t#indiEuer oh est la tienne.
1M7 Symptfme ( -n Qnorme spot de la disco t#aeugle.
,ause ( Tu es allongQ dans la rue et il fait dQBR Bour.
Solution ( ,afQ et une petite goutte pour se remettre...
The bride tells her husband( "Honey, you know I#m a irgin and I don#t know anything about se'.
,an you e'plain it to me first?" "!5, Sweetheart. )utting it simply, we will call your priate
place #the prison# and call my priate thing #the prisoner#. So what we do is( put the prisoner in the
prison." $nd then they made loe for the first time. $fterwards, the guy is lying face up on the
bed, smiling with satisfaction. %udging him, his bride giggles( "Honey the prisoner seems to
hae escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles( "Then we will hae to re7imprison him." $fter the second time
they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. /ut the girl, thoroughly enBoying the new
e'perience of making loe, gies him a suggestie smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again&"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. $fterwards, he
lays back on the bed, totally e'hausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped
again." 3imply turning his head, He "+33S at her, "Hey, it#s not life imprisonment&"
"$ man in a hot air balloon reali9ed he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman
below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "+'cuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don#t know where I am." The woman below replied, ""ou#re
in a hot air balloon hoering appro'imately M2 feet aboe the ground. "ou#re between I2 and I1
degrees north latitude and between HO and N2 degrees west longitude." ""ou must be an
engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well,"
answered the balloonist, "eerything you told me is technically correct, but I#e no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is I#m still lost. .rankly, you#e not been much help at all.
If anything, you#e delayed my trip." The woman below responded, ""ou must be in
:anagement." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman,
"you don#t know where you are or where you#re going. "ou hae risen to where you are 77 due to
a large Euantity of hot air. "ou made a promise which you#e no idea how to keep, and you
e'pect people beneath you to sole your problems. The fact is you are in e'actly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it#s my fault."
guess this is what happens in reall life &&&&&&&.................Hae a good weekend.
77777777777777777777777777777
1. Women are unpredictable. /efore marriage, she e'pects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
8. There was this guy who told his woman that he loed her so much that
he would go thru hell for her. They got married 7 and now he is going thru hell.
M. $ man inserted an #ad# in the classifieds ("Wife wanted ". %e't day,
he receied a hundred letters. They all said the same thing ( ""ou can hae mine."
I. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing( either the car is new or the wife.
H. It#s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Dust watch him drie a
car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you
can be sure he is married.
N. $ man receied a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, " If
you don#t promise to send us 0122,222 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can#t keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours."
P. What#s the matter, you look depressed." "I#m haing trouble with my
wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn#t going to speak to me for M2
days." "/ut that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."
!bBet ( )rQcepte chinois
3#$*C+%T
Il peut acheter une maison
:ais pas un foyer
Il peut acheter un lit
:ais pas le sommeil
Il peut acheter une horloge
:ais pas le temps
Il peut acheter un lire
:ais pas la connaissance
Il peut acheter une position
:ais pas le respect
Il peut payer le mQdecin
:ais pas la santQ.
Il peut acheter du sang
:ais pas la ie
Il peut acheter du se'e
:ais pas de l#amour
)*i,+)T+ ,HI%!IS
-n prQcepte chinois doit apporter la chance.
3#original estconserQ au' )ays7/as. ,e prQcepte a dQBR fait X fois le tour de la terre. :aintenant
c#est R toi Eu#il apportera la chance $prTs rQception de cette lettre tu auras de la chance.
,eci n#est pas une blague. 3a chance iendra R toi par la poste ou internet.
+noie la copie de cette lettre R des personnes Eui ont besoin de chance.
%#enoie pas d#argent, car la chance ne s#achTte pas. %e consere pas la lettre plus de ON heures,
dTs lors elle doit Utre transmise.
4es e'. de ce Eui s#est passQ( ,onstentin a reVu la 1j lettre en 1OHM, il demanda R sa secrQtaire
d#en faire 82 copies. O Bours [ tard il gagna O million de marks R la loterie de son pays.
5arlos, un employQ, reVu cette lettre et l#oublia, EuelEues Bours plus tard,il perdit son emploi. )ar
la suite il enoya cette lettre en continuant lachaWne et deint fortunQ.
+n 1ONP, /runo reVu cette lettre, il en rit et la Beta.
LE. Bours plus tard son fils naEuit malade. Il rechercha la lettre, la copia 82 fois et l#enoya. O
Bours tard, l#heureuse nouelle arria, son fils Qtait sauQ et aait retrouQ la santQ.
%#oublie pas, n#enoie pas d#argent et ne signe pas.
+noie simplement 82 copies et attends de oir ce Eui se passera le Oj Bour.
3e prQcepte a QtQ Qcrit par un missionnaire au' $ntilles.
De te l#enoie car elle doit faire le tour de la terre.
+noie 82 copies a tes connaissances, tes ami JeK s, a ta famille.
LE. Bours [ tard, tu receras de bonnes nouelles ou tu auras une e'cellente surprise.
,eci est rai, mUme si tu n#es pas superstitieu' JseK.
\,ette feuille est enoyQe en guise de bonne chance. +lle proient de la %ouelle $ngleterre et
a fait le tour du monde O fois.
CrSce R EEn Eui ous aime bien, la chance ient maintenant de ous Utre enoyQe. Fous
recere9 la chance en moins de
\I
\ \ Bours dTs rQception
\ \ \ \ de
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \cette lettre Eui ous est destinQe.
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \,#est R otre tour maintenant de le renoyer.
\ \ %#enoyer pas
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \d#argent, mais des copies R des gens Eui
\ \ auraient besoin de chance.
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \%#enoyer pas d#argent car la foi n#a pas de
\ \ pri'. %e garde9 pas
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \cette lettre, elle doit Euitter os mains
\d#ici
\ \ ON heures. S#il ous
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \plaWt enoye9 des copies et oye9 ce Eui se
\ \ produira d#ici I Bours.
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \3a chance proient du Fene9uela et a QtQ
\Qcrite
\ \ par $nthony de
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \,roud, un missionnaire d#$friEue du Sud. 3a
\ \ lettre doit faire le
\ \ \ \ tour
\ \ \ \ \\ du
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \monde, c#est pourEuoi ous dee9 faire 82
\ \ copies et les enoyer R
\ \ \ \ os
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \amis,...
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \$prTs EE. Bours, ous recere9 une surprise ;
\ \ ceci est rai,
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \mUme si ous n#Utes pas superstitieu'. +n
\1OXP
\ \ la lettre fut reVu
\ \ \ \ par
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \une Beune californienne Eui constata Eu#elle
\ \ Qtait illisible. +lle
\ \ \ \ \fit
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \la promesse de la refaire R la dactylo, mais
\ \ l#a mise de cftQ pour
\ \ \ \ la
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \faire [ tard. +lle ne se dQbarrassera pas de
\la
\ \ lettre dans les ON
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \heures. [ tard elle int R la rQQcrire,
\ \ l#enoya telle Eue promis et
\ \ \ \ \\ eut
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \une oiture neue.
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \%#oublie9 pas ( %#+%F!"+Z )$S 4#$*C+%T
\ \ %#IC%!*+Z )$S ,+TT+
\ \ \ \ \\ \\\ \3+TT*+ ,$ .!%,TI!%%+ F*$I:+%T
$nother chuckle from work. $ couple of years ago our company hired a new head of sales. He
was the nephew of the owner#s wife and that was all he had going for him. In his brief stay with
us he did a lot of obno'ious things but this was my faourite. $s his first official act he decided
to sae the company money by cutting down the sales staff and decided the way to do that was to
fire the highest paid sales person on staff. !f course she was also the top sales person. He inited
her to breakfast at a local coffee shop, where we all gathered freEuently, so the staff there knew
us. $fter being sered coffee he cooly informed her that she was being dismissed. The lady Bust
smiled at him and tossed her coffee right in his face. $ heads up waitress rushed oer and
chirped "*efill :am?" It was priceless&
/+IDI%C, ,HI%$ J$head!f%ews.comK 7 %ew laws against spitting and littering went into
effect this week in /eiBing, resulting in many fines and Euite a few arguments.
Some said that the goernment had deliberately not publicised the new laws in order to get more
money from fines. The goernment denies that, saying that the law against spitting or littering
was een better publicised than most new laws.
So far, most of the fines in /eiBing hae been for spitting, although there are a fair number of
fines for carelessly disposed cigarette butts.
Two brothers claim that they are being unfairly singled out by the new law, and intend to take
the goernment to court oer the issue. )thpt 3i and his brother Sptchpt 3i say they#e being
repeatedly fined, Bust for introducing themseles.
We might be best friend some year,
)retty good friends the ne't year,
don#t talk that often the ne't year,
and don#t want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I Bust wanted to say, een if I neer talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and
you hae made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.
...but most of all it is because I lu you&
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to
the person who sent it to you.
3et old friends know you haen#t forgotten them, and tell new friends you neer will.
*emember, eeryone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you hae %! .*I+%4S at all,
Bust remember this e7mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and
always will
$ wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school( "If you promise not
to beliee eerything your child says happens at school, I#ll promise not to beliee eerything he
says happens at home."
$n old man made it shakily through the door to Doe ,onforte#s :ustang *anch, outside *eno,
%eada. The receptionist stared at him. ""ou gotta be in the wrong place," she e'claimed. "What
are you looking for?" "$in#t this the famous :ustang *anch? $in#t this where you got four or
fie girls ready7n7able?" The receptionist looked perple'ed. "*eady for what?" "I want a girl,"
the old man rasped. "I wanna get some action." "How old are you, )op?" she asked. "%inety7
two," he replied. "%inety7two? )op, you#e H$4 it&" "!h," said the old man, a little disconcerted
as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"
The owner of a golf course in $labama was confused about paying an inoice, so he decided to
ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ""ou
graduated from the -niersity of .lorida. If I were to gie you 082,222, minus 1Ik, how much
would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "+erything but my
earrings."
" $ hold7up man came into the loan company office, ordered eeryone to take off their clothes
and lie face down on the floor. !ne cute young secretary remoed her clothes, but lay down face
up. Her boss, lying ne't to her, whispered( . "Turn oer, :iss Dones. This is a holdup, not an
office party. "
1MONE<2S BIEWCOINT1
Three monkey#s sat in a coconut tree, 4iscussing things as they#re said to be. Said one to the
others, "now listen, you two" There#s a certain rumour that can#t be true; That man descended
from our noble race; The ery idea is a disgrace. %o monkey eer deserted his wife, stared her
babies and ruined her life. $nd you hae neer known of a monkey to leae her babies with
others to bunk, or pass them on from one to another, till they scarcely know who their mother is.
$nd another thing you#ll neer see, a monkey build a fence around a coconut tree. $nd let the
coconuts go to waste, forbidding all monkeys a taste; Why, if I put a fence around the tree,
staration would force you to steal from me& Here#s another thing a monkey won#t do777 Co out at
night and get in a stew, or use a gun or a club or a knife, To take some other monkey#s life. "es,
man descended, the ornery cuss, /ut, brother, he didn#t descend from us&
There was a fire in the boarding house where all the chorus girls from a nearby burlesEue theater
stayed during showruns. It took firemen three hours to put the fire out. Then it took the police
three more hours to put the firemen out.
4is is fuuunny&&&
*oger went to the doctor and said, "4octor, I#e got a problem, but if you#re going to treat it, first
you#e got to promise not to laugh." "!f course I won#t laugh," the doctor said. "I#m a
professional. In oer twenty years I#e neer laughed at a patient." "!kay then," *oger said, and
proceeded to drop his trousers, reealing the tiniest p^nis the doctor has eer seen. -nable to
control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure.
"I#m so sorry," he said. "I don#t know what came oer me. !n my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won#t happen again.%ow what seems to be the problem?"
"It#s swollen."
$fter my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
.inally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "!h," I said, "So now you#re
speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haen#t you noticed I
haen#t spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "%o," he said, "I Bust thought we were
getting along."
-nited %ations Strike .orce....
There is a lot of talk about the -nited %ations creating a combined strike force with troops from
seeral nations included in it.
,ould it work? 3et#s take a look at one operation. $ combined force beach landing on a tropical
island. When the troops hit the beach.........
The *oyal :arines go fishing.
The -S :arines wait for ,%% to arrie.
The .rench don#t care whose beach it is; it#s .rench territory now, and say the +nglish gae them
no other choice.
The ,anadians watch the $mericans ery closely, then offer guard their landing strip.
The 4utch hae a beach party and smoke some dope saying the +nglish don#t understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Cermans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the 4utch.
The $ustrians Bust watch the *ussians and Cermans.
The ,hinese win the naties hearts and minds then kill them.
The S+$3s arrie after dark and kill anyone who is not a S+$3.
The $ussies and 5iwis land then start fighting each other oer a sheep.
The South $mericans send a contingent of 8222 generals.
The South $fricans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi#s start drilling for oil.
The *ussians open a chain of massage parlours.
The /rit airborne troops get charged with murder een though they
hae not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The )ortuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
4elta .orce makes a moie about the landing.
The Creeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the "anks and /rits.
The /ritish $rmy cannot come because all si' of them hae flu.
The Dapanese don#t know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The ,alifornian %ational Cuard contingent won#t land until someone opens a Starbucks.
The %ew "orkers paint their $mtrak#s yellow and will take you ashore for H2 bucks.
The Irish $rmy will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. )atrick#s 4ay.
The Israeli#s start building a kibbut9 and shell the )alestinians as a precaution.
The Scandinaians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Dapanese.
The )olish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The )alestinians say it used to be theirs but the +nglish gae it away.
The !klahomans hae no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to hae found the beach first but accuse the +nglish of stealing it.
The Te'ans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The :e'icans inade $ri9ona by mistake.
The Welsh say it#s 5ing $rthur#s last resting place but the +nglish stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The 3ybians blow up two -% planes.
The -% will send an $mbassador if the member states pay their dues.
The 5entuckians open a 5.,.
The )anamanians ask the -.S. what they should do.
The .loridians demand a recount and free )ro9ac.
The +- want to set up a commission of H2,222 administrators paid for by the +nglish.
The Swedes Bust want to screw.
The :ichigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue Ceneral :otors.
The :atell ,orp. sends 12,222 CI Doe#s and one /arbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that +lis and Dimmy 4ean are Bust oer the dunes.
The *umanians and $lbanians finally arrie and surrender.
The ,oloradans cut off the 5ansan#s water supply.
H. :. The Lueen will gie anyone a 5nighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find
a Bob for ,harles.
The %ew Hampshire contingent declares that eeryone there is Sooooo ,ruel and open a soup
kitchen.
The %orth 5oreans hae no idea what is going on but blame $merica anyway.
Washington State %C builds a monument to /ill Cates.
The )akistanis build a :otel Si', a conenience store and gas station.
Dimmy ,arter arries and declares peace.
The funniest thing about women in bad relationships is that when they catch the no good, lying,
bastard cheating on them... it could be in her own house, in her own bed, whateer... $nd She
catches him in the act all he has to say is "/aby, let me e'plain" and she actually stands there and
listens to his crap...sometimes belieing it&
$ city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a
field filled with cows. The drier, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him. "I beliee it#s your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly Bumped right out of
his city slicker britches& He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "$ cow Bust
gae me adice about my car&" he shouted, waing his arms franticly back toward the field. The
farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with
two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. ""es& "es& That#s the one&" the e'cited man
replied. "!h. Well, that#s +thel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "4on#t pay any
attention to her. She doesn#t know a darn thing about cars."
"What does loe mean?" ^^^^^ $ group of professional people posed this Euestion to a group of
I to X7year7olds, "What does loe mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than
anyone could hae imagined. See what you think...
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn#t bend oer and paint her toenails anymore. So
my grandfather does it for her all the time, een when his hands got arthritis too. That#s loe."
*ebecca 7 age X
"When someone loes you, the way they say your name is different. "ou know that your name is
safe in their mouth." /illy 7 age I
"3oe is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaing cologne and they go out and
smell each other." 5arl 7 age H
"3oe is when you go out to eat and gie somebody most of your .rench fries without making
them gie you any of theirs." ,hrissy 7 age N
"3oe is what makes you smile when you#re tired." Terri 7 age I
"3oe is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giing it to
him, to make sure the taste is !5." 4anny 7 age P
"3oe is what#s in the room with you a ,hristmas if you stop opening presents and listen." /obby
7 age H
"If you want to learn to loe better, you should start with a friend whom you hate." %ikka 7 age N
"There are two kinds of loe. !ur loe. Cod#s loe. /ut Cod makes both of them." Denny 7 age I
"3oe is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it eery day." %oelle 7 age P
"3oe is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends een after they know
each other so well." Tommy 7 age N
":y mommy loes me more than anybody. "ou don#t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at
night." ,lare 7 age H
"3oe is when mommy gies daddy the best piece of chicken." +laine 7 age H
"3oe is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than *obert
*edford." ,hris 7 age X
"3oe is when your puppy licks your face een after you left him alone all day." :ary $nn 7 age
I
"I know my older sister loes me because she gies me all her old clothes and has to go out and
buy new ones." 3auren 7 age I
"I let my big sister pick on me because my :om says she only picks on me because she loes
me. So I pick on my baby sister because I loe her." /ethany 7 age I
"When you loe somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
5aren 7 age P
"3oe is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn#t think it#s gross." :ark 7 age N
""ou really shouldn#t say #I loe you# unless you mean it. /ut if you mean it, you should say it a
lot. )eople forget." Dessica 7 age X
T$,! H+33 by )eter 3eppik The following is a ^true^ story. It amused the hell out of me while
it was happening. I hope it isn#t one of those "had to be there" things. !n my way home from the
second Bob I#e taken for the e'tra holiday ca0h I need, I stopped at Taco /ell for a Euick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a 0H2 bill and a 08 bill. That is all of the cash I hae on my person. I figure
that with a 08 bill, I can get something to eat and not hae to worry about people getting mad at
me. :e( "Hi, I#d like one seen layer burrito please, to go." Serer( "Is that it?" :e( ""ep."
Serer( "That#ll be 01.2I, eat here?" :e( "%o, it#s "T!7C!" _I hate effort duplication`." $t this
point I open my billfold and hand him the 08 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and Serer( "-h,
hang on a sec, I#ll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conersation occurs between the two of them. Serer( "Hey, you eer see a 08 bill?"
:anager( "%o. $ what?" Serer( "$ 08 bill. This guy Bust gae it to me." :anager( "$sk for
something else, TH+*+#S %! S-,H THI%C $S $ 08 /I33." Serer( ""eah, thought so." He
comes back to me and says Serer( "We don#t take these. 4o you hae anything else?" :e( "Dust
this fifty. "ou don#t take 08 bills? Why?" Serer( "I don#t know." :e( "See here where it says
legal tender?" Serer( ""eah." :e( "So, shouldn#t you take it?" Serer( "Well, hang on a sec." He
goes back to his manager who is watching me like I#m going to shoplift. Serer( "He says I hae
to take it." :anager( "4oesn#t he hae anything else?" Serer( ""eah, a fifty. I#ll get it and you
can open the safe and get change." :anager( "I#: %!T !)+%I%C TH+ S$.+ WITH HI: I%
H+*+." _:y emphasis` Serer( "What should I do?" :anager( "Tell him to come back later
when he has *+$3 money." Serer( "I can#t tell him that, you tell him." :anager( "Dust tell
him." Serer( "%o way, this is weird, I#m going in back." The manager approaches me and says
:anager( "Sorry, we don#t take big bills this time of night." _it was Xpm and this particular Taco
/ell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 122 other stores.` :e( "Well, here#s a two." :anager(
"We don#t take ^those^ either." :e( "Why the hell not?" :anager( "I think you ^know^ why."
:e( "%o really, tell me, why?" :anager( ")lease leae before I call mall security." :e( "+'cuse
me?" :anager( ")lease leae before I call mall security." :e( "What the hell for?" :anager(
")lease, sir." :e( "-h, go ahead, call them." :anager( "Would you please Bust leae?" :e(
"%o." :anager( ".ine, hae it your way then." :e( "%o, that#s /urger 5ing, isn#t it?" $t this
point he /$,5S away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I hae
two people ST$*I%C at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, Bust for effect.
$ few minutes later this IH year old7ish guy comes in and says _at the other end of counter, in a
whisper` Security( ""eah, :ike, what#s up?" :anager( "This guy is trying to gie me some
_pause` funny money." Security( "*eally? What?" :anager( "Cet this, a ^two^ dollar bill."
Security( "Why would a guy fake a 08 bill?" _Incredulous` :anager( "I don#t know? He#s kinda
weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." Security( "So, the fifty#s fake?" :anager( "%!,
the 08 is." Security( "Why would he fake a 08 bill?" :anager( "I don#t know. ,an you talk to
him, and get him out of here?" Security( ""eah..." Security guard walks oer to me and says
Security( ":ike here tells me you hae some fake bills you#re trying to use." :e( "-h, no."
Security( "3emme see #em." :e( "Why?" Security( "4o you want me to get the cops in here?" $t
this point I was ready to say, "S-*+, )3+$S+," but I wanted to eat, so I said :e( "I#m Bust
trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this 08 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he
flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it oer a few times in his hands,
and says Security( ":ike, what#s wrong with this bill?" :anager( "It#s fake." Security( "It doesn#t
look fake to me." :anager( "/ut it#s a ^^08^^ bill." Security( ""eah?" :anager( "Well, there#s
no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue. :y burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and
those cinnamon things, too. :akes me want to get a whole stack of 08 bills Bust to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in Bail.
$t least you get free food.
Sir $rthur ,onan 4oyle, the creator of the world7famous detectie Sherlock Holmes, was not
aboe telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing7stock. In one situation, he was
waiting at a ta'i stand outside the railway station in )aris. When a ta'i pulled up, he placed his
suitcase in the car and took a seat ne't to it. #Where can I take you, :r. 4oyle?# asked the ta'i
drier. 4oyle was flabbergasted. He asked the drier whether he knew him by sight. #%o, sir, I
hae neer seen you before.# The pu99led 4oyle asked him how he knew he was ,onan 4oyle.
#This morning#s paper had a story about you being on acation in :arseilles. This is the ta'i7
stand where people who return from :arseilles always come to. "our skin color tells me you
hae been on acation. The ink7spot on your right inde' finger suggests to me that you#re a
writer. "our clothing is ery +nglish, and not .rench. $nd so, I deduced that you are Sir $rthur
,onan 4oyle.# 4oyle remarked, #This is truly ama9ing. "ou are a real7life counterpart to my
fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.# #There is one other thing,# the drier said. #What is that?#
#"our name is on the front of your suitcase.#
"We#re tired of being a haen for all these aging hippies and socially inept academics," says the
mayor. "We#re part of the midwest, but eeryone thinks we#re a bunch of granola7eating,
/irkenstock7wearing weenies. We#re not& We drink more beer per capita than ,hicago, and not
een :ilwaukee can touch our bratwurst consumption."
$ccording to sources on the city council, the name change is Bust the first part of the plan. "%e't,
we plan to find a lot of aerage people, and encourage them to moe to Ceneric."
When asked what they meant by "aerage", our source replied "Well, currently we#re looking for
people with 8.H kids..."
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. $fter some time in the
wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to gie him a chance to shine again. The
director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. "ou walk on to the stage
at the opening carrying a rose. "ou hold the rose to your nose with Bust one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line #$h, the sweet aroma of my mistress.#" The actor is
thrilled. $ll day long before the play, he#s practicing his line oer and oer again. .inally, the
time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion deliers
the line, "$h, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming
with laughter, but the director is steaming& ""ou half7wit& "ou bloody fool&" he cries. ""ou hae
ruined me&" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "%o&" screams the
director. ""ou forgot the bloody rose&"
$ priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a
group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. 3ittle Dohnny stopped and looked
at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him he was a priest
and this is the uniform priests wear. 3ittle Dohnny pointed to the priest#s plastic collar tab and
asked, "4o you hae an owie?" The priest was perple'ed till he reali9ed that to him the collar tab
looked like a band7aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to 3ittle Dohnny, to show him. !n
the back of the tab were raised letters giing the name of the manufacturer. 3ittle Dohnny felt the
letters, and the priest asked, "4o you know what those words say?" ""es I do," said 3ittle
Dohnny, who was not old enough to read. )eering intently at the letters he said, "5ills ticks and
fleas up to si' months&"
:y accountant father and my artist mother hae ery different iews on balancing a checkbook.
:om usually kept the checkbook, but when 4ad retired, he took oer all the financial duties. He
was really taken aback when he looked oer the checkbook and found only dollar amounts
recorded. It seems :om hadn#t wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she#d
eliminated the cents from eery check. She#d round up if the partial dollar amounts were H2 cents
or more and drop those under H2 cents. 4ad feerishly went through stacks of canceled checks
and registers, trying to correct her method. The difference in seen years of dollars only? Si'teen
cents.
$ group of burglars Jof a particular hair colorK were robbing a bank. !ne of them pointed a gun
at a teller#s head and shouted( "Cie me all your money, or you#ll be C+!C*$)H"&" The
cashier laughed and said, ""ou mean H I S T ! * "&" The burglar shouted back, "4on#t change
the subBect."
!nce upon a time... when my family was eating at a 5.,, my brother was sent to the counter to
get more honey7mustard sauce for the chicken strips. He was informed that it would be IH cents
for another little container. 4ad gae him the money when he came back to the table for it, and
my brother, about si' at the time, took care of the transaction. $fter eeryone was finished
eating... my father, being one who can really make a point and not too happy about the cost of
the fast food meal, sent my same twin brother to the counter to inEuire, loudly, "How much are
toothpicks?". The place roared.
!ne day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde#s new car. Suddenly, some Berk
pulled in front of them. The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel. The brunette feared
for her life, but had the courage to ask, "What are you doing?&" The blonde calmly replied, "I#m
trying to blow the horn."
:I%4 C$:+S 4!CS )3$" WITH H-:$%S 1. $fter your humans gie you a bath, 4!%#T
3+T TH+: T!W+3 4*" "!-& Instead, run to their bed, Bump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it#s right before your humans bedtime. 8. $ct like a conicted
criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down
and act as if you hae done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search
the house for the damage they think you hae caused. J%ote( This only works when you hae
done absolutely nothing wrong.K M. 3et the humans teach you a brand new trick. 3earn it
perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the
humans. )retend you hae no idea what they#re talking about. I. :ake your humans be patient.
When you go outside to go #pee,# sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. $ct as if the
spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. H. 4raw attention to the
human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most isible spot to go #poo.# Take your
time and make sure eeryone watches. This works particularly well if your humans hae
forgotten to bring a plastic bag. N. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
eery time a strange human walks by. P. :ake your own rules. 4on#t always bring back the stick
when playing fetch with the humans. :ake them go and chase it once in a while. X. Hide from
your humans. When your humans come home, don#t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from
them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. J4on#t reappear until one of
your humans is panic7stricken and close to tearsK. O. When your human calls you to come back
in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. 12. Wake up twenty
minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your
morning pee. $s soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. JHumans can rarely fall back asleep
after going outside, this will drie them nuts&K
":om, I#m pregnant," announced a teen. "How can that be? What did I tell you about se'?"
asked her mom. "That I should take measures. $nd that#s what I did& I took measures and went
with the biggest."
!f all of the nutty things my cra9y country cousins and I did as children, one of the funniest
happened when we were supposed to be grown7up. :y oldest cousin got married right out of
college, to a home comming Eueen. She is a beautiful blond who refers to her father as ":y
daddy the colonel". $fter a brief and sometimes stormy marriage, she left him for a richer man,
his boss. :y cousin is not a ery good loser, but not being the iolent type, it took him a while to
figure out how to aenge his loss. .inally, his chance came when mutual friend of both families
got married. They inited eeryone to the wedding, including my cousins e'7wife. She attended,
looking raishing, driing her boyfriend#s new /:W. The whole day she showed off her
engagment ring, bragged about where they planned to go on the honeymoon and generally
rubbed it in my cousin#s face. He remained ama9ingly calm through it all. $fter the reception we
found out why. While eeryone was in the church basement at the reception, he slipped out to
the parking lot and firmly placed a condum oer the e'aust pipe of the /:W. 3ater. when
eeryone was leaing and his +' was pulling out in the /:W, waing and smilimg like a float
Eueen, the condum inflated to giagantic proportions and Bust as she turned the corner it e'ploded
with a loud "/$%C". She ran the car up on the sidewalk and Bumped out, not knowing what had
happened. :y cousin rushed oer to calm her down, he assured her that it was Bust a backfire,
but suggested that she hae her boyfriend check the e'aust pipe when she got home. We spent
the rest of the eening laughing and speculating on the scene of him finding the remains on the
e'aust pipe. J"es $le' /ern, we discussed this in the forumK
$ guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman. $fter a night of drinking and dancing they go
back to his place. She un9ips his fly and starts playing with his dick. "Wow," he says, "you really
know how to handle a dick&" "I should," she replies, "I used to hae one."
The *emote JTrue StoryK Seeral years ago when my little sister was still in high school. She
was sitting on the couch doing her math homework. She had been working on it for a while,
when she started haing some problems figuring the answers in her head. She reached down and
picked up the T.F. remote and started pushing the numbers. $fter seeral seconds she reali9ed
what she was doing and laid the remote down hoping no one had seen her. $t this point I
couldn#t hold the laughter any longer and she knew I had seen. JShe is a true blonde and I still
tease her about it to this day.K
.ather( Why don#t you get yourself a Bob? Son( Why? .ather( So you could earn some money.
Son( Why? .ather( So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. Son( Why? .ather(
So that when you#re old you can use the money in your account...and you would neer hae to
work again. Son( I#m not working now.
$ccording to my mom, my dad was with me once when I was a teenager and I had to hae an
operation. )op was watching eery moe the doctor made. $t one point he asked, "What#s that?"
The doctor e'plained, "This is an anaesthetic. $fter he gets this he won#t know a thing." "Sae
your time, 4oc," )op e'plained, "He don#t know nothing now."
$ farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for
directions. $fter helping the lost drier, the farmer went back to Backing up the small barn while
putting blocks of wood under each corner. The city boy Bust had to ask, "What are you doing?"
"Well," said the farmer, ":y pri9e mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes
through the door and I Bust can#t hae that." "Why don#t you Bust dig a little ditch that goes under
the doorway?" The farmer said, "Thanks, I#ll think about it" and the drier pulled away. $s the
car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "4umb city slicker. The mule keeps
scraping his ears, not his feet&"
/achelors should be heaily ta'ed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
.rom ,olorado... "ou know the #correct# pronunciation of /uena Fista. Sun block S). O2 is not
unreasonable. $pril showers bring :ay bli99ards. "ou hae stood on solid ground G looked
down on an airplane in flight. "ou see someone riding a Harley in a snowstorm, G you look
closer to see if it#s someone you know. Timberline is someplace you hae actually been, many
times. "ou actually know who $lferd )acker was. )eople from other states breathe H times more
often than you. Haing a Senator named #%ighthorse# doesn#t seem strange. $ full moon has
neer kept you awake. "ou hae a 01H22 stereo in a 0M22 pickup truck. 5nowing that Te'as and
,alifornia are downstream gies you a certain feeling of satisfaction when you flush. "ou hae a
:/$ business degree and are frying burgers at a :c4onald#s in Fail. "ou own a big dog named
$spen, /uck, ,heyenne, Te', or 4akota that wears a bandanna. "ou think a pass does not
inole a football or a woman. "ou are N8 years old and take up snowboarding. "our real "85
fear was running out of ,elestial Seasonings tea and trail mi'. "ou get depressed after one day
of cloudy weather. "ou carry your 0M,222 mountain bike on top of your 0H22 car. "ou think that
formal wear is ironed denim. %orth means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the
right;" +ast and west are where all those damn liberals keep moing in from. "ou go anywhere
else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and you notice the sky is no longer blue. "ou
consider a three7piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt, G hiking boots. "our bridal
registry is at *+I. /oulder means left7wing nuts; ,olorado Springs means right7wing nuts. In
,olorado there is an additional season..."*oad ,onstruction."
"TH+ D-%+ /-C"
Tiny little Dune bug, across the open meadow flying.
,onstantly on the moe, a life that#s death defying.
Trying to escape the birds, during the day in flight.
Then the bats radar, who hunts them late at night.
%early missing a cars windshield, as he crosses a road.
Then the long sticky tongue, of a ery hungry toad.
%early crushed by a shoe, as he sat on the ground.
$ boys string, where in circles he would fly around.
$lways hiding and dodging, Bust so his life to lie.
He#s not in any hurry, his last breath to gie.
He#s lasted half the summer, and is now ery Euick.
$s a fast learner, he knows about eery trick.
Then late one night, he was searching for his food,
and was feeling ery happy, in a careless mood.
He came to a house, a strange light he decided to tap.
!er to it he flew, the last sound he heard was 999ap.
/+%T!%FI33+, $*5 J$)K 7 Some Walmart customers soon will be able to sample a new
discount item 77 Walmart#s own brand of wine. The world#s largest retail chain is teaming up with
+GD Callo Winery of :odesto, ,alif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the 0N7X
range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Walmart brand wine
into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said 5athy :icken, professor of
marketing at *oger Williams -niersity in /ristol, *.I. She said( "The right name is important."
So here we go( The top 18 suggested names for Walmart Wine( 18. ,hateau Traileur )arc 11.
White Trashfindel 12. /ig *ed Culp O. Crape +'pectations X. 4omaine Walmart ":erde du
)ays" P. %$S,$*bernet N. ,hef /oyardeau' H. )eanut %oir I. ,hateau des :oines M. I ,an#t
/eliee It#s %ot Finegar& 8. World ,hampionship *iesling 1. %asti Spumante
The Euickest dental appointment I#e eer had was when I sat in the dentist#s chair, opened my
mouth and had him e'claim( "W!W& you sure do hae a lot of teeth&" "ou better beliee I
grabbed my things and was out the door. Who wants a dentist who#s maBor patients were in the
#4irty South# and a "lot of teeth" is more than four? He Bust wouldn#t know what to do&&&
I WISH I W$S $ )IC $%"TI:+
SubBect( Se'ual $necdotes
In 3ebanon, men are legally allowed to hae se'
with animals, but the animals must be female.
Haing se'ual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
J3ike TH$T makes sense.K
In /ahrain, a male doctor may legally e'amine a
woman#s genitals, but is prohibited from
looking directly at them during the e'amination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
J4o they look different reersed?K
:uslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the se' organs of the deceased must be coered
with a brick or piece of Wood at all times.
J!uuch& $ brick, that hurts??K
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation.
J I#d rather "go blind&"K
There are men in Cuam whose full7time Bob is to
trael the countryside and deflower young irgins, who pay them for the
priilege of haing se' for the first time...
*eason( under Cuam law, it is e'pressly forbidden for irgins to
marry.
JI wonder how their Bob7ads read( W$%T+4( FI*CI% 4+.3!W+*+* WITH H
"+$*S +a)+*I+%,+. Those without any e'perience need not applyK
In Hong 5ong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband#s loer,on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.
J$h& Dustice&K
Topless saleswomen are legal in 3ierpool, +ngland
7 but only in tropical fish stores.
J/ut of course&K
In ,ali, ,olombia, a woman may only hae se' with
her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act.
J:akes one shudder at the thought. ,an anyone think of a faster way
to impotency?K
Santa ,ru9, /oliia, it is illegal for a man to hae se' with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
JI presume this was a big enough problem that they
had to pass this law?K
In :aryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from
ending machines with one e'ception( prophylactics
may be dispensed from a ending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beerages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
JIs this a great country or what? %ot as great as
Cuam&K
$ pig#s orgasm lasts for M2 minutes.
JIn my ne't life I want to be a pigK
/anging your head against a wall uses 1H2 calories
an hour.
JStill not oer that pig thingK
The ant can lift H2 times its own weight, can pull
M2 times its own weight and always falls oer on its
right side when into'icated.
J.rom drinking little bottles of...? 77 which
got. paid for this research?? /ut still doesn#t beat a pigs life.K
Some lions mate oer H2 times a day.
JIn my ne't life I STI33 want to be a pig ...
Euality oer EuantityK
/utterflies taste with their feet.
JThey can taste with anything they wish am still not changing my mind
on the pig thingK
Humans and dolphins are the only species that hae
se' for pleasure.
JIs that why .lipper was always smiling?K
$n ostrich#s eye is bigger than it#s brain.
JI know some people like that.K
Starfish don#t hae brains.
JI know some people like that tooK
$fter reading all these, all I can say is.....
....... 4amn those 3-,5" C-$:+S+ )ICS.......
$ language teacher was e'plaining to her class that in .rench, nouns,
\unlike their +nglish counterparts, are grammatically designated as
\masculine or feminine. .or e'ample,
\"House" in .rench, is feminine7"la maison"
\")encil" in .rench, is masculine7"le crayon"
\
\!ne pu99led student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher did not
\know, and the word was not in her .rench dictionary. So for fun she split
\the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them
\to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
\
\/oth groups were reEuired to gie four reasons for their recommendation.
\
\The men#s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine
\gender J#la computer"K, because(
\
\1. %o one but their creator understands their internal logic;
\8. The natie language they use to communicate with other computers is
\incomprehensible to eeryone else;
\M. +en the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
\later reiew; and
\I. $s soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
\your paycheck on accessories for it.
\
\The women#s group, howeer, concluded that computers should be masculine
\J#le computer"K because(
\
\1. In order to do anything with them, you hae to turn them on;
\8. They hae a lot of data but still can#t think for themseles;
\M. They are supposed to help you sole problems, but half the time they $*+
\the problem; and
\I. $s soon as you commit to one, you reali9e that if you had waited a
\little longer, you could hae gotten a better model.
\
\
\The women won.
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. $fter some time in the
wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to gie him a chance to shine again. The
director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. "ou walk on to the stage
at the opening carrying a rose. "ou hold the rose to your nose with Bust one finger and thumb,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line #$h, the sweet aroma of my mistress.#" The actor is
thrilled. $ll day long before the play, he#s practicing his line oer and oer again. .inally, the
time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion deliers
the line, "$h, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming
with laughter, but the director is steaming& ""ou half7wit& "ou bloody fool&" he cries. ""ou hae
ruined me&" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "%o&" screams the
director. ""ou forgot the bloody rose&"
The old professor got a Bob on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he
accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It#s ery simple," said his tutor, "Bust use
diplomacy." "What#s diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he#d neer
needed while teaching. "Watch me, I#ll show you," said the steward7in7charge. !ff they went
down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering
tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck7naked
woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the
cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor e'citedly.
"She had no clothes on& /ut hey, why did you call her #sir#?" "That#s diplomacy& I did not want to
embarrass her," said his tutor. The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The ne't
day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making loe on
the bed. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea," the man replied. "$nd for your brother?"
Hullo people, check this out.
$ man was sick and tired of going to work eery day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her
to see what he went through so he prayed( 4ear 3ord, I go to work eery day and put in X hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day. $men.
Cod, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man#s wish. The ne't morning, sure enough, the man
awoke as a woman& He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, droe them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then droe home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced
the check book. He cleaned the cat#s litter bo' and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1).:. and
he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, acuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
*an to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the,way home. Set
out cookies and milk and got the kids organi9ed to do their homework, then set up the ironing
board and watched TF while he did the ironing. $t I(M2 he began peeling potatoes and washing
egetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. $fter supper he
cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. $t O ).:. he was e'hausted and, though his daily chores weren#t finished, he went
to bed where he was e'pected to make loe which he managed to get through without complaint.
The ne't morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "3ord, I don#t know what
I was thinking. I was so wrong to eny my wife#s being able to stay home all day. )lease, oh
please, let us trade back."
The 3ord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, ":y son, I feel you hae learned your lesson and I will
be happy to change things back to the way they were. "ou#ll Bust hae to wait nine months,
though. "ou got pregnant last night "
4on#t you Bust loe it? I do.
Hae a pleasant day, Cod bless.
C.
Three Weddings $ Dewish father, :oisha, was beset by his eldest son "it9ak... ".ather, I am
going to marry&" His father begins to dance with Boy and sing Haa %agila... "Tell me, is she a
good Dewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "!#/rien" replies the son... "She#s
,atholic..." "!y&" says the father.... "/ut are you happy?" "I#m happy," says the son.. "!k...as
long as you#re happy.... my blessings to you both," replies :oisha. /ut the father is still counting
on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and ,hut9pah... Schlemiel calls on his father the ne't eening,
".ather... I too will be married soon&" $gain, :oisha breaks out in a dance and sings Cod#s
praises... "What is her name," implores the father? "5a9alopodopolous," says the son. "She#s
Creek !rthodo'..." "!y," says :oisha... "/ut are you happy?" "I#m happy, father..." "!k... then
you, too, hae my blessing," intones :oisha... 4eBected, :oisha goes to the Temple to pray..
")lease Cod... let my remaining son ,hut9pah marry a nice Dewish girl... to raise nice Dewish
children in your eyes ... )3+$S+&" ,hut9pah comes to his father e'citedly and e'claims,
".ather& I am to wed in the spring&" "Her %$:+? WH$T IS H+* %$:+" his father
immediately demands? "Coldberg&" says ,hut9pah& :oisha is beside himself with Boy& ")raise
Cod& )raise the )rophets&" Turning to ,hut9pah, he asks, "Is she 4octor Coldberg#s daughter
Shelley, from 3os $ngeles?" "%o..." says ,hut9pah... "Hmmm," says :oisha... ":ust be
$ttorney Coldberg#s daughter *achel from Hollywood?" "$h...no, father" says ,hut9pah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?" "Whoopi." says
,hut9pah.
3!ST I% TH+ )$*5( $ police car pulls up in front of grandma /essie#s house, and grandpa
:orris gets out. The polite policeman e'plained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost
in the park and couldn#t find his way home. "!h :orris", said grandma, ""ou#e been going to
that park for oer M2 years& So how could you get lost ? " 3eaning close to grandma, so that the
policeman couldn#t hear. :orris whispered, "3ost I wasn#t.....I was Bust too tired to walk home."
$ client brought a litter of golden retrieer puppies to my eterinary clinic for inoculations and
worming. $s the look7alike pups sEuirmed oer and under one another in their bo', I reali9ed it
would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened each dog#s head when I had finished. $fter the fourth puppy, I noticed my
hitherto talkatie client had grown silent. $s I sprinkled the last pup#s head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I didn#t know they had to be bapti9ed.
$n elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical e'amination the same day so they
could trael together. $fter the e'amination, the doctor then said to the man( ""ou appear to be
in good health. 4o you hae any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In
fact, I do," said the man. "$fter I hae se' with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and
sweaty. $nd then, after I hae se' with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is ery interesting," replied the doctor. "3et me do some research and get back to you."
$fter e'amining the elderly lady, the doctor said( "+erything appears to be fine. 4o you hae
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no
Euestions nor concerns. The doctor than asked( ""our husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after haing se' the first time with you and cold and
chilly after the second time.... "4o you know why?" "!h that old bu99ard&" she replied. "That#s
because the first time is usually in Duly and the second time is usually in 4ecember."
:ost popular Boke in Cermany $ general noticed one of his soldiers behaing oddly. The soldier
would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That#s not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to hae the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the
army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That#s it."
:any years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held
company. )eriodically I would receie a call from someone who had not accessed the system
recently, forgot their password and locked themseles out trying to logon. I would look up their
password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. !ne day I
receied a call from a young lady who was in Bust such a predicament. I looked up her password
and informed her that it was #4!:+# and, Bust to be playful, told her the price for me being
gracious enough to unlock her sign7on was an e'planation of the meaning of her password. She
became ery embarrassed oer the phone and pleaded that she could neer reeal her secret. I of
course replied that I would not gie her system access until she did. $fter negotiating for seeral
minutes she finally acEuiesced but made me promise to neer reeal her password meaning to
any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She
hesitated and then replied, "It#s two words." There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system
and simply said, "Hae a nice day".
BUSHISMS
""The ast maBority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don#t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"!ne word sums up probably the responsibility of any Coernor, and that one word is #to be
prepared#."
"I hae made good Budgments in the past. I hae made good Budgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We#re going to hae the best educated $merican people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I#e made."
"We hae a firm commitment to %$T!, we are a part of %$T!. We hae a firm commitment
to +urope. We are a part of +urope."
"$ low oter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen eent that may or may not occur."
".or %$S$, space is still a high priority."
"Luite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn#t pollution that#s harming the enironment. It#s the impurities in our air and water that are
doing it."
"It#s time for the human race to enter the solar system."
")ublic speaking is ery easy."
The company my brother worked for had a phone system that re7routed after7hours calls. If any calls
came in on a certain line while he was working late, 4ae knew it would be a wrong number. It got
to the point where as soon as the phone rang, 4ae would pick up and say, ")sychic Hotline. I#m
sorry, but you#e dialed the wrong number." The caller would often reply with something like, "/ut I
didn#t een ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialled the wrong.... !h&" J,lick.K
nani alisema -huru ni omo9e'ual ?
..watu wanapayukapayuka ...ooohh oohh ohh ... mara kwa mara mimi ninasema gatika maredio,
gatika maga9eti.... -huru sio omose'ual.... -huru ni hereto9e'ual ... yugo na mama na pia ingine ya
kando.....
...9amani nilisema .. mtu akipata shimo... apande miti hugo ndani ... na amwage maBi..... .. lakini sigu
hi9i 9a ugonBwa wa -gimwi inabidi watu waache kupanda miti oyo oyo
%a kwa moyo huo huo mimi nimewacha kushikashika wakina mama. Jclear throatK... sasa mimi
nimekuwa .. :!%!S+a-$3 ...mimi naBifanya mwenyewe... nikitumia sabuni ya "!mo with power
foam )lus" ....... na hiyo ni ...?
,rowd ( :$+%4+3+! &&& ...tingisa nione ....
*$)I4 *+S)!%S+ Working on a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband
and me to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call. I had gone in to get a head
of lettuce and some apples. -nknown to me the floor was wet from the newly installed produce
sprayers. 4own I went, hitting my head hard. When I came to, the manager of the store was
sitting beside me telling me not to moe, that he had called O11. $t the same time my pager went
off and he looked at me and asked, @What was that? I said ":y pager, I am O11." He looked at
me, shocked " /oy, you guys are fast&"
3ittle /illy, and his grandfather entered the acation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were
inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. %oticing them
before his grandfather did, 3ittle /illy whispered, "It#s no use, Crandpa. The mosEuitoes are
coming after us with flashlights...."
$n engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern
,anada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came
across an isolated cabin, far remoed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the
area were Euite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
%o one answered their knocks, but they discoered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It
was a simple place ... 8 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household eEuipment. %othing
was unusual about the cabin e'cept the stoe. It was large, pot7bellied, and made of cast7iron.
What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the
ceiling beams.
".ascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obious that this lonely trapper, isolated from
humanity, has eleated this stoe so that he can curl up under it and icariously e'perience a
return to the womb."
"%onsense&" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. /y
eleating his stoe, he has discoered a way to distribute heat more eenly throughout the
cabin."
"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I#m sure that hanging his stoe from the
ceiling has religious meaning. .ire 3I.T+4 -) has been a religious symbol for centuries."
The three debated the point for seeral hours without resoling the issue. When the trapper
finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heay pot7bellied stoe from
the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stoe pipe."

!ear ,ech Support6
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.8 to *usband 9.8 and noticed a slow down in
the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that
had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 7.8. In addition, *usband 9.8 uninstalled
many other valuable programs, such as %omance :.7 and 0ersonal 2ttention ;.7,
but installed undesirable programs such as '<L
7.8 and 'B2 =.8. 2nd now )onversation >.8 no longer runs and *ousecleaning ?.;
simply crashes the system. I've tried running 'agging 7.= to fi& these problems, but
to no avail.

(hat can I do

!esperate

!ear !esperate6

<irst keep in mind, Boyfriend 7.8 is an entertainment package, while *usband 9.8 is
an operating system. ,ry to enter the command6 )6@I ,*1AB*, -1A L13#! "# and
download ,ears ;.? to install Built =.8. If all works as designed, *usband 9.8 should
then automatically run the applications /ewellery ?.8 and <lowers =.7. But
remember, overuse can cause *usband 9.8 to default to Brumpy Silence ?.7, *appy
*our C.8, or Beer ;.9. Beer ;.9 is a very bad
program that will create Snoring Loudly. (23 files. (hatever you do, !1 '1, install
"other5in5law 9.8 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. ,hese are not supported
applications and will crash *usband 9.8. In summary, *usband 9.8 is a great
program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications
.uickly. -ou might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance. I personally recommend *ot <ood =.8 and
Lingerie C.C.
Bood Luck,

,ech Support
")ark /ench"
$ woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the
seat and rela'. $fter a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello lu, how#s about us going
for a walk together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I#m not one of your cheap pickups&"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
$ ery posh lady was walking around an art gallery when she stopped by one particular e'hibit.
"I suppose this picture of a hideous witch is what you would call modern art?" she asked ery
pompously. "%o, ma#am," replied the assistant, "it#s what we call a mirror."
HOW TO TELL A7RI)ANS 7ROM A7RI)ANS
It comes, as something of a surprise to many $fricans to discoer that all $fricans look the same
to non7$fricans... How do you tell a %igerian from a 5enyan? $nd I am not talking about
passports or clothing. The easiest way, of course, is the name, for e'ample !gunkoye",
"+kwekwe" or "/abangida" can only be a %igerian, a "%Boroge", "!tieno" or "5ilon9o" must
be from 5enya. Where else would you bump into a name like ")romise", "Immaculate" or
")atience" other than in Zimbabwe? $nd where do the 4unns come from? 77777 they are surely
from 3iberia or Sierra 3eone.
Surely eerybody knows that the loud, boisterous and cocky ones are the West $fricans; the
brooding and sly ones are the %orth and South $fricans; the +ast $fricans always say yes een
when they disagree ehemently. %o wonder there hae been ery few coups in this region.
They hae no guts to go against the establishment. They are also the -%#s first choice for )eace7
5eeping duties world7wide.
.orget about the +gyptians and Sudanese who change their continents based on which side of the
bread is buttered. When conenient, and the )etro74ollar is flowing, they masEuarade as $rabs.
When the World /ank is dishing out aid to the third7world, they shuffle themseles, cup7in7hand,
Bostling for the paltry aid gien to poor $frican countries.
If you want to be more specific, the ,ameronians will borrow money to buy ,hampagne. They
can een sell a hole in their pockets to ape the bourgeois. The Chanaians think they inented
politics. %o Chanaian worth his salt will conclude a conersation without mentioning the famous
5wame %kurumah or Euoting a phrase from one of his speeches. +en when & bargaining at the
/a9aar, a #5wame# phrase has a magical effect. The problem is they think that this effect is
worldwide&&& $ dukawalla in /ombay was forgien for thinking "5wame" was a unit of
currency in $frica&
The ,ongolese think they hae the best music and the best dancers. They hae this heaenly
feeling that they were brought into this world to Sing and 4ance... and please, for your own
safety, don#t you dare challenge that& $ ,ongolese can be spotted from afar by the gait of his
walk.... and it also depends on the mood of the walker( $ "%do& mbolo" walk is a sign of
happiness J..also means #I#e Bust had it#K; a "/aba Caston" walk is a sign of old age. The
%igerians hae a THI%C about clothes and Bewellery. They are the Indians of $frica;
you#ll always find a %igerian in any part of the world... there is one c& ontending for :ayorship
somewhere in remote *ussia of all the places. There is a %igerian )olice inspector in the
.alklands .... and there is a %igerian ,ashier at the .irst %ational /ank of Woolongong....
Jsomewhere in $ustraliaK I wonder how long he#ll be there before he decides to become fluidy
with the cash. They are like cockroaches and will be found in the most unusual places.The
+thiopians think they hae the most beautiful women on Cod#s earth.Jthink about it, hae your
eer seen an ugly +thiopian 3ady?...no, not the post7menopause geriatric one, we are talking
about the under IH or so..hmm.K We won#t talk about the Somalis for the time being as they are
suffering from a seere identity crisis. How else do you e'plain a Somali holding a 5enyan
)assport saying he was born and raised in ")and7)ieri" Jsomewhere in 5isumuK while the same&
gentleman cannot utter the basic general greeting?
:oroccans think they#re .rench and so do the /urkinabes. $lgerians hate the .rench. Sierra
3eonians smile profusely. 3iberians can#t get oer $merica... they copy eerything including
*ambo... no wonder they hae *ambo7style rumbles in the Bungle. ,all it an influence from
Hollywood?
$ll +ast and South $frican countries hae more or less the same boring national anthems, but the
South $fricans sing it the best. Which other national anthem can make your feet loose control
and do a Big on their own? The South $fricans hae thick and springy hair; the Zambians and
5enyans hae prominent foreheads.
The %igerians hae thick luscious lips and their females possess some of the widest posteriors.
The West $fricans hae short memories and neer learn from their mis& takes; how many times
are they caught all oer the world on drug7related cases yet they continue the trade. How many
times are they going to send those silly chain letters asking for bank accounts and pretending
they are sons of ,hief so and so?
The concept of order and discipline must hae been inented in +ast $frica; the words don#t e'ist
in West $frica, especially in %igeria....does anyone know how many coups that country has
endured?
When a cabinet minister is caught in a corruption scandal, he commits suicide in Southern
$frica; in West $frica he#s promoted after the ne't coup d#etat. In 5enya, he is stripped of his
,abinet post for a short while till the dust settles and then re7instated to a higher ,abinet post
which amalgamates his earlier ,abinet post. In essence, he still controls his earlier :inisterial
post by & pro'y.
In athletics, the diisions are easy( from X22m to the marathon the +ast $fricans hold sway; the
West $fricans are only good at the sprints. South $fricans can only sing. /ut when it comes to
football JsoccerK, the %orth and West $fricans dominate the lesser7skilled +ast and South
$frican.
$-TH!*( *+$3 $.*I,$%S...&&
$ man who absolutely hated his wife#s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driing him 82
blocks from his home and leaing him at the park. $s he was nearing home, the cat was walking
up the drieway. The ne't day, he decided to drie the cat I2 blocks away and try the same
thing. $s we was driing back into his drieway, there was the cat& He kept taking the cat farther
and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. $t last, he decided to drie a
few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife( "Den, is the cat there?" ""es," the wife answers.
"Why do you ask?" .rustrated, the man answers( ")ut that damn cat on the phone. I#m lost and I
need directions&"
""our honor, " e'plained the young man, "I#d like to get married, please."
"$ll right, what is your age?"
"I#m 88, sir."
"$nd the age of the bride?"
"She#s 1H, sir."
"1H? That#s too young& :arrying you would be against the law&"
"I see, " said the young man. ",ould you try e'plaining that to the fella ne't to her with the
shotgun?"
D-ST $ ,!::!% S!34I+*
J$ Soldier 4ied TodayK by $. 3awrence Faincourt
He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
$nd he sat around the 3egion, telling stories of the past
!f a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his e'ploits with his buddies; they were heroes, eery one.
$nd tho# sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a Boke,
$ll his 3egion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
/ut we#ll hear his tales no longer for old /ill has passed away,
$nd the world#s a little poorer, for a soldier died today.
He will not be mourned by many, Bust his children and his wife,
.or he lied an ordinary and Euite uneentful life.
Held a Bob and raised a family, Euietly going his own way,
$nd the world won#t note his passing, though a soldier died today.
When politicians leae this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were
great.
)apers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were
young,
/ut the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
$ guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
!r the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Coes off to sere his ,ountry and offers up his life?
$ politician#s stipend and the style in which he lies
$re sometimes disproportionate to the serice that he
gies.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.
It#s so easy to forget them for it was so long ago,
That the old /ills of our ,ountry went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our ,ountry now enBoys.
Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his eer7shifting stand?
!r would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and ,ountry and would fight until the end?
He was Bust a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
/ut his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
.or when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier#s part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honor while he#s here to hear the praise,
Then at least let#s gie him homage at the ending of his days.
)erhaps Bust a simple headline in a paper that would say,
!ur ,ountry is in mourning, for a soldier died today.
When my three cra9y country and I each reached the age of X, my
-ncle would start teaching us how to really ride the horses he
trained, !nce we got good enough he would let us e'ercise them and
if we did well he let us sometimes ride in steeple chases and
shows.
:y older two cousins had been riding for a couple of years when my
youngest cousin and I finally got to, so we were more than ready.
I had been gien the care and feeding duties of a beautiful little
dapple grey $rab mare, she and I loed each other, she would run to
me when I came to saddle her and I would always hae an apple or
carrot for her. I groomed her eery day and she pranced and acted
like she knew how wonderful she looked.
It was decided that I could ride her in an annual steeple chase
held in 3ouisille in the spring, I was in heaen. We practiced
eery day at least once and riding her became as natural as walking
to me.
$bout a month before the eent a man who boarded seeral horses
with my -ncle asked him if his daughter could ride my mare in the
steeple chase, he had purchased a thoroughbred for her and she had
trouble handling it. He had seen me ride the mare and thought she
would be gentle enough for his daughter to handle and his daughter
was set on riding in this steeple chase. :y -ncle tried to talk
him out of it but to no aail. I was heart broken, but could do
nothing about it.
The girl, who was a teenager at the time, came out eery day and
rode my mare, I still fed and groomed her, but this girl got to
ride her. So I got my -ncle to let me ride her thoroughbred, since
no one was e'ercising him. :y oldest cousin, who was a sad as I
was about the whole thing, talked my -ncle into letting me ride the
thoroughbred in the steeple chase. $fter watching me ride for a
couple of days he entered me in the same eent as the girl riding
my mare.
The race started badly, I had trouble holding my horse, he Bust
wanted to run like thoroughbreds do, but I finally got him under
control enough to make the Bumps. We were ahead coming to the
finish, but he had e'pended so much energy at the start that my
little mare was gaining on us. $s she came to us she slowed and
Bust ran beside us. She Bust wanted to be with me, not to pass me.
I had mi'ed emotions crossing the finish Bust a head in front of my
beloed mare.
The preacher said( "There#s no such thing as a perfect man. $nybody present who has eer
known a perfect man, stand up." %obody stood up. "Those who hae eer known a perfect
woman, stand up." !ne demure little woman stood up. "4id you eer know an absolutely perfect
woman?" he asked, somewhat ama9ed. "I didn#t know her personally," replied the little old
woman, "but I hae heard a great deal about her. She was my husband#s first wife."
$ duck#s Euack doesn#t echo, and no one knows why.
The "sae" icon on :icrosoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence
contains them all( "$ rough7coated, dough7faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the
streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
It takes M,222 cows to supply the %.3 with enough leather for a year#s supply of footballs.
Thirty7fie percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Ten percent of the *ussian goernment#s income comes from the sale of odka.
!n aerage, 122 people choke to death on ball7point pens eery year.
In 12 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world#s nuclear weapons combined.
The term "the whole O yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the )acific. When arming their
air planes on the ground, the .H2 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured e'actly 8P feet,
before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
"the whole O yards."
The name Deep came from the abbreiation used in the army for the "Ceneral )urpose" ehicle,
C.). The erb "cleae" is the only +nglish word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each
other( adhere and separate.
It was the accepted practice in /abylon I,222 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride#s father would supply his son7in7law with all the mead he could drink. :ead is a
honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth"
or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
In +nglish pubs, ale is ordered by pints and Euarts. So in old +ngland, when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and Euarts and settle down. It#s
where we get the phrase "mind your )#s and L#s."
:any years ago in +ngland, pub freEuenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some serice. "Wet your
whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Shakespeare#s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the
ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. that#s where the phrase,
"good night, sleep tight" came from.
The sentence "The Euick brown fo' Bumps oer the la9y dog." uses eery letter in the alphabet.
Jdeeloped by Western -nion to test Tele'>tw' communicationsK
The only 1H letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
.acetious and abstemious contain all the owels
in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning
"containing arsenic."
+mus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and
are on the $ustralian coat of arms for that
reason.
,ats hae oer one hundred ocal sounds, while
dogs only hae about ten.
The word ",heckmate" in chess comes from the
)ersian phrase "Shah :at," which means, "the
king is dead".
)inocchio is Italian for "pine head."
,amel#s milk does not curdle.
In eery episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
$n animal epidemic is called an epi9ootic.
:urphy#s !il Soap is the chemical most commonly
used to clean elephants.
The -nited States has neer lost a war in which
mules were used.
/lueberry Delly /ellies were created especially
for *onald *eagan
$ll porcupines float in water.
,at#s urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon#s head to the Henniker,
%ew Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to
receie 0.12 from the town.
The reason firehouses hae circular stairways is
from the days of yore when the engines were
pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up
straight staircases.
%on7dairy creamer is flammable.
The air plane /uddy Holly died in was called
"$merican )ie." JThus the name of the 4on :c3ean
song.K
The only nation whose name begins with an "$",
but doesn#t end in an "$" is $fghanistan.
When possums are playing #possum#, they are not
"playing." They actually pass out from sheer
terror.
The :ain 3ibrary at Indiana -niersity sinks
oer an inch eery year because when it was
built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the
building.
If you toss a penny 12,222 times, it will not be
heads H,222 times, but more like I,OH2. The
heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified.
The longest word in the +nglish language,
according to the !'ford +nglish 4ictionary, is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicoolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of
letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicoolcanoconioses,
its plural.
Hydro'ydeso'ycorticosterone and
hydro'ydeo'ycorticosterones are the largest
anagrams.
$n ostrich#s eye is bigger than its brain.
/en and Derry#s sends the waste from making ice
cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. )igs
loe the stuff, e'cept for one flaor( :int
!reo.
$l ,apone#s business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
Wilma .lintstone#s maiden name was Wilma
Slaghoopal, and /etty *ubble#s :aiden name was
/etty Dean :cbricker.
The *amses brand condom is named after the great
pharaoh *amses II who fathered oer 1N2
children.
4ueling is legal in )araguay as long as both
parties are registered blood donors.
$ pig#s orgasm lasts for M2 minutes.
The characters /ert and +rnie on Sesame Street
were named after /ert the cop and +rnie the ta'i
drier in .rank ,apra#s "Its $ Wonderful 3ife."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is deried from an
old +nglish law which stated that you couldn#t
beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.
The /aby *uth candy bar was actually named after
Croer ,leeland#s baby daughter, *uth.
$rmadillos hae four babies at a time and they
are always all the same se'.
$rmadillos are the only animal besides humans
that can get leprosy.
$ group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twele
or more cows are known as a "flink." $ group of
frogs is called an army. $ group of rhinos is
called a crash. $ group of kangaroos is called a
mob. $ group of whales is called a pod. $ group
of raens is called a murder. $ group of
officers is called a mess. $ group of larks is
called an e'altation. $ group of owls is called
a parliament.
+ery time you lick a stamp, you#re consuming
1>12 of a calorie.
The phrase "sleep tight" deries from the fact
that early mattresses were filled with straw and
held up with rope stretched across the bedframe.
$ tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
"Three dog night" Jattributed to $ustralian
$boriginesK came about because on especially
cold nights these nomadic people needed three
dogs Jdingos, actuallyK to keep from free9ing.
Cilligan of Cilligan#s Island had a first name
that was only used once, on the neer7aired
pilot show. His first name was Willy. The
skipper#s real name on Cilligan#s Island is
Donas Crumby. It was mentioned once in the first
episode on their radio#s newscast about the
wreck.
In +ngland, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
Iory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had
been oermi'ing the soap formula causing e'cess
air bubbles that made it float. ,ustomers wrote
and told how much they loed that it floated,
and it has floated eer since. _It floats in
gasoline, too.`
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seenth
floor of a building it has about thirty percent
less chance of suriing than a cat that falls
off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes
about eight floors for the cat to reali9e what
is occurring, rela' and correct itself.
The saying "it#s so cold out there it could
free9e the balls off a brass monkey" came from
when they had old cannons like ones used in the
,iil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a
pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When
it got e'tremely cold outside, they would crack
and break off... Thus the saying.
"our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus
eery two weeks or it will digest itself.
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for
more cows."
111,111,111 ' 111,111,111 Y
18,MIH,NPX,OXP,NHI,M81
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died
in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds
receied in battle; if the horse has all four
legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes. Jed. note( if the rider#s head is up the
horse#s ass, the rider died a politician.K
%o word in the +nglish language rhymes with
month, orange, siler, and purple.
,lans of long ago that wanted to get rid of
their unwanted people without killing them used
to burn their houses down 7 hence the e'pression
"to get fired."
,anada is an Indian word meaning "/ig Fillage."
There are two credit cards for eery person in
the -nited States.
The aerage human eats X spiders in their
lifetime at night.
$ rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zan9ibar
and +ngland in 1XON. Zan9ibar surrendered after
MX minutes.
$ polar bear#s skin is black. Its fur is not
white, but actually clear.
4ueling is legal in )araguay as long as both
parties are registered blood donors.
4onald 4uck comics were banned in .inland
because he doesn#t wear pants.
:ore people are killed by donkeys annually than
are killed in plane crashes.
Shakespeare inented the word "assassination"
and "bump."
:arilyn :onroe had si' toes.
If you keep a Coldfish in the dark room, it will
eentually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
*ight handed people lie, on aerage, nine years
longer than left handed people do.
The name of all the continents end with the same
letter that they start with.
If the population of ,hina walked past you in
single file, the line would neer end because of
the rate of reproduction.
$ snail can sleep for M years.
$merican $irlines saed 0I2,222 in 1OXP by
eliminating one olie from each salad sered in
first7class.
,hina has more +nglish speakers than the -nited
States.
The electric chair was inented by a dentist.
4id you know you share your birthday with at
least O million people.
The /oston -niersity /ridge Jon ,ommonwealth
$enue, /oston, :assachusettsK is one of the few
places in the world a boat can sail under a
train driing under a car driing under an
airplane.
,ats hae oer one hundred ocal sounds, dogs
only hae about ten.
!ur eyes are always the same si9e from birth,
but our nose and ears neer stop growing.
4aid )rowse, was the guy in the 4arth Fader
suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Fader#s
lines, and didn#t know that he was going to be
dubbed oer by Dames +arl Dones until he saw the
screening of the moie.
:any hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
In eery episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman
somewhere.
If /arbie were life7si9e her measurements would
be MO78M7MM. She would stand seen feet, two
inches tall and hae a neck twice the length of
a normal human#s neck.
:ontpelier, Fermont is the only -.S. state
capital without a:c4onald#s.
%o word in the +nglish language rhymes with
month.
The cruise liner, Lueen +li9abeth II, moes only
si' inches for each gallon of diesel that it
burns.
,at#s urine glows under a black light.
The first .ord cars had 4odge engines.
3eonardo 4a Finci inented the scissors.
It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook
macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
/abies are born without knee caps. They don#t
appear until the child reaches 87N years of age.
%utmeg is e'tremely poisonous if inBected
intraenously.
The most common name in the world is :ohammed.
:ichael Dordan makes more money from %ike
annually than all of the %ike factory workers in
:alaysia combined.
The first toilet eer seen on teleision was on
"3eae It to /eaer".
In the great fire of 3ondon in 1NNN half of
3ondon was burnt down but only N people were
inBured.
!ne of the reasons mariBuana is illegal today
because cotton growers in the M2s lobbied
against hemp farmers7they saw it as competition.
It is not as chemically addictie as is
nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
!nly one person in two billion will lie to be
11N or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book ")eter
)an."
The human heart creates enough pressure when it
pumps out to the body to sEuirt blood M2 feet.
/anging your head against a wall uses 1H2
calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
hae se' for pleasure.
!n aerage, people fear spiders more than they
do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the T!%C-+.
Joh, yesK
It#s impossible to snee9e with your eyes open.
"ou can#t kill yourself by holding your breath.
$mericans on aerage eat 1X acres of pi99a eery
day. Jalthough not indiidually&&K
+ery time you lick a stamp, you#re consuming
1>12 of a calorie.
4id you know that you are more likely to be
killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider?
$ crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant always falls oer on its right side when
into'icated.
)olar bears are left7handed.
$ cockroach will lie nine days without its
head, before it stares to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates se' by ripping the head off.
Some lions mate oer H2 times a day.
/utterflies taste with their feet.
+lephants are the only animals that can#t Bump.
$n ostrich#s eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haen#t got brains.
The youngest of my three cra9y country cousins and I were only a month apart in age, and both
small for our age, He was a cotton7 top blond with freckles, a typical 5entucky country boy.
!nce when the cousins were at our house he and I were playing in the yard, while I was minding
my little brother for my my mom, when the neighborhood bully happened by with a couple of his
friends. The bully decided to stop and make fun of my cousin#s country accent, we tried to ignore
him but he wouldn#t stop and finally started throwing rocks at us. !ne of the rocks hit my little
brother, causing his forehead to bleed profusely. I grabbed my brother up and ran to find mom
and my cousin lit out after the bully. He chased him all the way to his house and ran in after him.
Dust as the bully#s father stepped into the room to see what was going on, my cousin punched the
bully right in the nose, causing it to spurt blood all oer. The man grabbed my cousin and
marched him and his son to our house. When my mom came to the door the red faced man
shouted "3ook what your kid did to my son&" :y unflappable mom looked back and forth
between my tiny cousin and the bully, who stood a foot taller and easily outweighed my cousin
by 82lbs., patted the man on the arm and said, "I can see why you would be embarassed, but
don#t worry, we won#t tell anyone.".
)ick the dummy...
$TGT fired )resident Dohn Walter after nine
months,saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He
receied a 08N million seerance package.
With a 3ittle Help from !ur .riends......
)olice in !akland, ,alifornia spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. $fter firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discoered that the man was
standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and
gie himself up...
$nd What Was )lan /?.....
$n Illinois man pretending to hae a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drie to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts...
$nd for the :ain ,ourse...
$ man in Taormina, Italy was hospitali9ed after
swallowing IN teaspoons, 8 cigarette lighters, and a
pair of salad tongs.
The Cetaway......
$ man walked in to a Topeka, 5ansas 5wik Shop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
$pparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself Jto get
more moneyK for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.
4o7It7"ourself /rain Surgery?&.....
In !hio, an unidentified man in his late twenties
walked into a police station with a O7inch wire
protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to gie him an a7ray to help him find his
brain, which he claimed had been stolen. )olice were
shocked to learn that the man had drilled a N7inch
deep hole in his skull with a /lack G 4ecker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the
missing brain.
Hae I Cot a 4eal for "ou&....
:ore than N22 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay 012,222 a piece for the
first tourist flight to :ars. $ccording to the
Italian police, the would7be space traellers were
told to spend their "ne't acation on :ars, amid the
splendours of ruined temples and painted deserts.
*ide a :artian camel from oasis to oasis and enBoy
the incredible :artian sunsets. +'plore mysterious
canals and marel at the iews. Trips to the moon
also aailable. "$uthorities beliee that the con men
running this scam made off with oer si' million
dollars...
Too Well7+ducated.....
In :edford, !regon, a 8P7year7old Bobless man with an
:/$ blamed his college degree for his murder of three
)eople. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, then
this may not hae happened..."
4id I Say That?&......
)olice in 3os $ngeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who Bust couldn#t control himself during a
lineup. When detecties asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Cie me all your money or I#ll
shoot," the man shouted, "That#s not what I said&"
!uch, That Smarts&....
$ bank robber in Firginia /each got a nasty surprise
when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money
e'ploded in his .ruit7of7the73ooms. The robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his
pants as he was running out the door."He was seen
hopping and Bumping around," said police spokesman
:ike ,arey, "with an e'plosion taking place inside
his pants." )olice hae the man#s charred trousers in
custody...
%ot the Sharpest 5nife in the 4rawer&....
In :odesto, ,$, Steen *ichard 5ing was arrested for
trying to holdup a /ank of $merica branch without awe
upon. 5ing used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket.
$re We %ot ,ommunicating?........
$ man spoke frantically into the phone( ":y wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart&" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"%o, you idiot&" the man shouted. "This is her
husband&"
TH+ H+$*I%C $I4 :orris reali9ed he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling
to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he
said. "They run from 08.22 to 08,222." "3et#s see the 08.22 model," said :orris the miser. The
salesperson put the deice around :orris# neck. ""ou Bust stick this button in your ear and run
this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked :orris. ".or
08.22 it doesn#t work," the salesperson replied. "/ut when people see it on you, they#ll talk
louder."
!ne summer when I was still in college, I got a Bob working on a film crew as a gofer. They were
shooting in a Bob in !klahoma that summer, in the oil fields out in the boonies. !n the flight
there I started to feel sick but Bust marked it up to motion sickness. 3ater, howeer I got so much
worse that my boss took me to the closest hospital, where they admitted me, and decided I had to
hae an emergency appendectomy. :y boss contacted my parents and I was soon in surgery.
When I woke up I had no idea that I had been placed in the maternity wing, in a I bed ward.
They were short of beds and that was the only room they had. 3ate in the day a young nurses aid
came in to get me up, I was sore and drowsy and resisted. ",ome on, now" she said "we#ll go see
your baby." ":" /$/"" I shouted "I#m not een married, I don#t hae a baby." She looked
shocked and the other women in the ward started whispering, she said " There now let#s don#t get
upset, I#ll call a nurse to talk to you." Shortly a ery kind nurse came in and started asking me
Euestions that made me reali9e that she thought I was an unmarried mother. Dust when I thought I
was going to completely loose it, my boss arried. "Well how are you feeling?" she asked ",ra9y
as hell" I said, "Cet me out of here, before these people gie me a baby to take home." When my
boss finally got the whole mess cleared up we had a good laugh about it, well she did, laughing
was tough on my stitches.
$ friend of ours was walking down a deserted :e'ican beach at sunset. $s he walked along, he
began to see another man in the distance. $s he grew nearer, he noticed that the local natie kept
leaning down, picking something up and throwing it out into the water. Time and again he kept
hurling things out into the ocean. $s our friend approached een closer, he noticed that the man
was picking up starfish that had been washed up on the beach and, one at a time, was throwing
them back into the water. !ur friend was pu99led. He approached the man and said, Cood
eening, friend. I was wondering what you were doing." "I#m throwing these starfish back into
the ocean. "ou see it#s low tide right now and all of these starfish hae washed up onto shore. If I
don#t throw them back into the sea, they#ll die up here from lack of o'ygen." "I understand," my
friend replied, "but there must be thousands of starfish on this beach. There are simply too many.
$nd don#t you reali9e that this is probably happening on hundreds of beaches all up and down the
coast. ,an#t you see that you can#t possibly make a difference?" The local natie smiled, bent
down and picked up yet another starfish; and as he threw it back into the sea, he replied,":ade a
difference to that one."
I recently picked a new primary care physician. $fter two isits and e'haustie lab tests, he said
I was doing "fairly well" for my age. $ little concerned about that comment, I couldn#t resist
asking him, "4o you think I#ll lie to be X2?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
beer?" "!h no," I replied, "I#e neer done either." Then he asked, "4o you eat rib7eye steaks and
bar7b7Eued ribs? I said, "%o, I#e heard that all "red meat" is ery unhealthy&" "4o you spend a
lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "%o I don#t," I said. He said, "4o you gamble,
drie fast cars, or fool around with se'y women?" "%o," I said, "I#e neer done any of those
things." He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to lie to be X2 ??"
%eer let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints by L$%T$S pilots and the correctie action
recorded by mechanics.
/y the way, Lantas is supposedly the only maBor airline
that has neer had an accident.
) Y the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S Y the solution or correctie action taken by the mechanics.
)( Test flight !5, e'cept autoland ery rough.
S( $utoland not installed on this aircraft.
)( Something loose in cockpit.
S( Something tightened in cockpit.
)( 4ead bugs on windshield.
S( 3ie bugs on backorder.
)( $utopilot in altitude7hold mode produces a 8227fpm descent.
S( ,annot reproduce problem on ground.
)( +idence of leak on right main landing gear.
S( +idence remoed.
)( 4:+ olume unbelieably loud.
S( 4:+ olume set to more belieable leel.
)( .riction locks cause throttle leers to stick.
S( That#s what they#re there for&
)( I.. inoperatie.
S( I.. always inoperatie in !.. mode.
)( Suspected crack in windscreen.
S( Suspect you#re right.
)( $ircraft handles funny.
S( $ircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
)( *adar hums.
S( *eprogrammed radar with words.
)( :ouse in cockpit.
S( ,at installed.
Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that warns
of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the bridge and
becomes firmly stuck under it. Cars back up for miles. Finally a local
police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys
the situation. "Got stuck huh" he says to the truck driver. The truck
driver looks at the cop and with a straight face says "!aw " was
delivering the bridge and ran out of gas."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please
describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as
to your wife's infidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"o naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "!ne unday morning," he
continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in
the apartment ne"t door pounded on the wall and yelled, '#an't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends$'"
S2L"1' "1ASS#
2 housewife was having several couples over for dinner that
night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for
hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon
mousse. /ust before her guests arrived, she caught her cat
nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had
worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she
smoothed it over and served it anyway. (ell, the mousse was a
hit. #veryone took seconds or thirds. 0roudly she stood to bring
the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window.
,here, ne&t to the house, lay her cat. !ead. She had to confess to
her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now
the cat was dead. ,he entire dinner party rushed to the hospital
to have their stomachs pumped. ,he housewife, who hadn't eaten
any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed55mourning the
passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her
guests. ,hen, the phone rang. It was her ne&t door neighbor who
said, $I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran
her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner
party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn.$
$ History of Thanksgiing 1IO8 7 ,hristopher ,olumbus discoers $merica, unless you count
the natie peoples already liing there. ,olumbus doesn#t. ,olumbus and crew celebrate by
holding a dinner, giing thanks for their safe arrial. +mbarrassment ensues when eery Indian
brings mai9e, and nobody brings pumpkin pie. 1N82 7 )ilgrim men inent sport of football to
aoid helping clean up after Thanksgiing dinner. 1NP1 7 .irst embarrassing drunken relaties at
Thanksgiing dinner, as ,aptain Dohn Smith#s parents tell )ocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got
lost in the mai9e" Boke for the hundredth time. 1P21 7 $t a historic Thanksgiing dinner, 4utch
settlers uneil historic "Indians Cie -s $ll !f Their 3and Treaty." 4ue to an unfortunate
oersight, the Indians are left off of the inite list, and the treaty is signed without them. 1PPN 7
+'cited that his /ritish in7laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiing dinner, silersmith
)aul *eere rides through /oston announcing the news. -nfortunately, many colonists
misinterpret his cry "the /ritish are coming&" as a warning, leading to the *eolutionary War.
1X18 7 $t an international Thanksgiing dinner, 5ing Ceorge of +ngland, still hurting from
losing the *eolutionary War, challenges -nited States )resident Dames :adison to "best 8 out
of M." 1XN2 7 $t a Senate Thanksgiing dinner, the seen7year7old son of $labama#s Senator
*ichard $pplebee insults the Senators from :assachusetts, %ew "ork, and )ennsylania,
sparking the ,iil War. The tradition of the "children#s table" is instituted in 1XN1. 1O2M 7 ,anada
steals idea of Thanksgiing holiday, placing it in !ctober, so they can say it was their idea first.
1O8X 7 To commemorate "our nation#s greatest era of prosperity that will last foreer and eer,"
)resident Herbert Hooer dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the )otomac *ier. 1O8O 7
.ollowing the Creat Stock :arket ,rash, thousands of men go Turkey 4iing in the )otomac
*ier. 1OHP 7 4eclaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health ia
heartburn," Senator Doe :c,arthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soiet saboteur. 1ONO 7
The world#s largest +at7In eent goes sour. Thousands of hippies start haing bad trips when bad
"brown gray" gets passed around. 1OO1 7 When 4an Luayle takes ill on Thanksgiing; a turkey
is sworn as Fice )resident for three days. %o change is noticed. 1OOP 7 Strong natural
tranEuili9er tryptophane is discoered in turkey. $ ,olombian cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets for 0H22 an ounce. Turkey farmers get inoled in drie7by
shootings, and the -.S. goernment declares a national fowl emergency. 8228 7 $merica is on a
terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding
e'plosies. Ceorge W. signs this law into ,ongress, during a patriotic speech he defends this
decision claiming "the eil doers are Bust looking for any opportunity to show up at your dinner
table." This Thanksgiing take a real good look at your relaties...and report any suspicious
behaior to the ,I$, ./I or your local police...who cares if it#s grandma...it#s your duty as an
$merican...
$n XH7year7old widow went on a blind date with a O27year7old man. When she returned to her
daughter#s house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, :other?" the daughter
asked. "I had to slap his face three times&" ""ou mean he got fresh?" "%o," she answered... "I
thought he was dead&"
There was an une'pected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and
asked, "Who#s there?" ")arcel post, ma#am. I hae a package that needs a signature." "Where#s
the package?" I asked suspiciously. The delieryman held it up. ",ould I see some I4?" I said,
still not coninced. "3ady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I#d
probably Bust use these." $nd he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son#s room, a mother finally laid
down the law( each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 8H cents. /y the end
of the week, he owed her 01.H2. She receied the money promptly, along with a H2 cent tip and a
note that read, "Thanks, :om; keep up the good work&"
:y Crandmother, to my knowledge, neer drank liEuor in her life, at least on purpose. She was a
ery gentle and proper lady, a pillar of her church and the community. In those days door to door
salesmen were welcomed, out in the country and none more so than the Watkin#s :an. He was
almost regarded as a guest and was freEuently inited to eat a meal when he isited with his
wares. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left, such as a
thimble or pot holder. !ne of his products was an eli'ir for general health and nerous
conditions. With two of her sons in the serice, during WW78, she was worried and depressed, so
she bought a big bottle of this eli'ir and took it as directed. 3o and behold she did feel happier,
as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my :om read the
fine print on the bottle to discoer that the stuff was I2k achohol. $larmed, she told my grampa,
who grinned and said "%ow let#s Bust keep this between you and me honey, I#m enBoying your
mother#s happy times.".
:y Crandmother, to my knowledge, neer drank liEuor in her life, at least on purpose. She was a
ery gentle and proper lady, a pillar of her church and the community. In those days door to door
salesmen were welcomed, out in the country and none more so than the Watkin#s :an. He was
almost regarded as a guest and was freEuently inited to eat a meal when he isited with his
wares. He sold all sorts of wonderous things and always left a little gift when he left, such as a
thimble or pot holder. !ne of his products was an eli'ir for general health and nerous
conditions. With two of her sons in the serice, during WW78, she was worried and depressed, so
she bought a big bottle of this eli'ir and took it as directed. 3o and behold she did feel happier,
as a matter of fact she got downright giddy when she took it. So much so that my :om read the
fine print on the bottle to discoer that the stuff was I2k achohol. $larmed, she told my grampa,
who grinned and said "%ow let#s Bust keep this between you and me honey, I#m enBoying your
mother#s happy times.".
,harles )lumb was a -S %ay Bet pilot in Fietnam. $fter PH combat missions, his plane was
destroyed by a surface7to7air missile. )lumb eBected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was
captured and spent N years in a communist Fietnamese prison. He suried the ordeal and now
lectures on lessons learned from that e'perience.
!ne day, when )lumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up
and said, "ou#re )lumb& "ou flew Bet fighters in Fietnam from the aircraft carrier 5itty Hawk.
"ou were shot down&"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked )lumb. "I packed your parachute," the man
replied. )lumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it
worked&" )lumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn#t worked, I wouldn#t be here
today."
)lumb couldn#t sleep that night, thinking about that man. )lumb says, "I kept wondering what he
might hae looked like in a %ay uniform( a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell7bottom
trousers. I wonder how many times I might hae seen him and not een said #Cood morning, how
are you?# or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was Bust a sailor." )lumb
thought of the man hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship,
carefully weaing the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time
the fate of someone he didn#t know.
%ow, )lumb asks his audience, "Who#s packing your parachute? "+eryone has someone who
proides what they need to make it through the day. )lumb also points out that he needed many
kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down oer enemy territory7he needed his physical
parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called
on all these supports before reaching safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gies us, we miss what is really important. We may
fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has
happened to them, gie a compliment, or Bust do something nice for no reason. $s you go
through this week, this month, this year, recogni9e people who pack your parachute. I am
sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute&&& $nd
I hope you will send it on To those who hae helped pack yours&

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding Bokes to us without writing a word. :aybe
this could e'plain it( When you are ery busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
"ou forward Bokes. To let you know that you are still remembered, are still important, are still
loed and are still cared for, guess what you get...$ forwarded Boke.

To all of my friends, let me take this opportunity to thank you for haing #)acked :y ,hute# each
and eery day of our acEuaintance. /e good as always G more important, be kind& !nce again,
thanks, I am glad you packed my chute&
$ 1N7year7old girl bought herself a ery tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed
her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I
had worn that when I was your age, you#d be fie years older&"
It was a hot day one $ugust when my mom#s cousin had a problem with the electrical system.
Without informing her that he was contacting an electrician, her husband called to hae him
come check the breaker bo' which was in the kitchen closet. He told the electrician that his wife
would not be there so he would hae to let himself into the house by the kitchen door. She had a
medical appointment that day and was running late. When she went in to take a shower, she
reali9ed that her only bar of soap was at the kitchen sink. Stark naked she dashed into the kitchen
to grab the bar of soap. Then she heard the milk man coming up the kitchen steps. !n hot
summer days he always placed the milk in the refrigerator for her instead of in the little bo' on
the porch. She knew she did not hae time to run back through the kitchen before he would open
the door. So she Bust stepped into the kitchen closet to await his e'it. To her horror the electrician
opened the closet door& $t which she blurted, "!h, no& I thought you were the milk man&"
$ guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a
wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what#s the matter?"
said the first guy. "I#e been transferred to 3os $ngeles, ,alifornia," he answered nerously.
"They#e got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..." "Hold on," said the first.
"I#e been in 3.$ all my life, and it#s not bad as the media says. .ind a nice home, go to work,
mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it#s as safe as anywhere in the
world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "!h, thank Cod. I was worried
to death& /ut if you lie there and say it#s ok, I#ll take your word for it. /y the way, what do you
do for a liing?" ":e?" said the first, "I#m a tail gunner on a bread truck."
!ne night at :c,hord $ir .orce /ase in Washington, I was dispatched to check out the security
fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to
the scene, I found that a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare
off the animal. Suddenly an air7traffic controller came oer the public7address system and
announces loudly, "$ttention to the airman at the end of the runway. "ou are cleared for
takeoff."
3ittle Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. 5nowing his sweet tooth Tommy#s
mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn#t ask for a second piece of cake."
"%o," replied Tommy, "but I asked :rs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and
she gae me two more pieces without me asking."
The Wednesday7night church serice coincided with the last day of hunting season. !r pastor
asked who had bagged a deer. %o one raised a hand. )u99led, the pastor said, "I don#t get it. 3ast
Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole
congregation pray for your deer." !ne hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They#re all safe."
:y nursing colleague was preparing an intraenous line for a 1H7year7old male patient. The
bedside phone rang, and the boy#s mother reached oer to pick it up. $fter talking for a few
minutes, the mother held the phone aside, turned to her son and said, ""our dad is asking if
you#e got any cute nurses." The boy ga9ed at the nurse, who had the needle poised aboe his
arm, ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they#re absolutely gorgeous."
$ teacher was correcting e'am papers when he came across )eter#s effort( a sheet of paper, blank
apart from his name and "$ct II :acbeth. Scene F. 3ine 8X". The teacher reached for his
Shakespeare and turned to :acbeth where he found that the 8Xth line of the fifth scene of the
second act read, "I cannot do this bloody thing."
$n elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of
water. $s the bartender gies her the drink she says, "I#m on the cruise to celebrate my X2th
birthday, and it#s today." The bartender says "Well, since it#s your birthday, this one is on me."
$s the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. /artender, I would like a scotch with two drops of
water." ",oming up," says the bartender. $s she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I
would like to buy you one as well." The lady says, "Thank you. /artender, I would like another
scotch with two drops of water." ",omin# right up." $s he puts the drink down in front of her, he
says, ":a#am, I#m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The X2
year7old replies, "Sonny, when you#re my age, you learn how to hold your liEuor. Water,
howeer, is a whole other issue."
)erfect Secretary
777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777
"Seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.
""eah," his buddy replied," she#s gorgeous."
"Well, she#s a *obot, the latest model from Dapan."
"Dee9, that#s ama9ing& What can she do?"
"If you sEuee9e her left tit, she takes dictation. If
you sEuee9e her right tit, she types 1XH wpm for you.
$nd when you screw her it feels better than the
real thing."
"Sounds perfect."
"l almost got hurt once, though."
"How?"
"Well," he grimaced, "let#s Bust say I didn#t
know her ass was a pencil sharpener."
3+TlS T$35 $/!-T S+a
"ou should hae S+a on days that begin with T(
Thanksgiing,
Tuesday,
Thursday,
Today,
Tomorrow,
Thaturday?
Thunday?
+ery Thucking day&
Se' is(
like %okia Jconnecting peopleK
like %ike JDust do itK
like )epsi Jask for moreK
like ,oca ,ola J+nBoyK
like me Jtoo good to be trueK
$ %ew :om took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in
pink from head to toe. $t the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases
around her. $t the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The child was
crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won#t let
him hae any, she thought. Then she heard his mother#s reply. "%o&" she said, looking in her
direction. ""ou may not hae a baby sister today. That lady got the last one&"
I receied this from a good friend who had a choice to make. It said that I
\had a choice to make, too. I#e chosen. %ow it#s your turn to choose.
\The story goes that some time ago a man punished his H7year7old daughter
for
\wasting a roll of e'pensie gold wrapping paper. :oney was tight and he
\became een more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to
\decorate a bo' to put under the ,hristmas tree.
\
\%eertheless, the little girl brought the gift bo' to her father the ne't
\morning and said, "This is for you, 4addy." The father was embarrassed by
\his earlier oerreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the bo'
\was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "4on#t you know, young lady,
\when you gie someone a present there#s supposed to be something inside the
\package?"
\
\The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "!h,
\4addy, it#s not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father
\was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl,
\and he begged her to forgie him for his unnecessary anger.
\
\$n accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is
\told that the father kept that gold bo' by his bed for all the years of his
\life.
\
\$nd wheneer he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open
\the bo' and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the loe of the child
\who had put it there.
\
\In a ery real sense, each of us as human beings hae been gien a golden
\bo' filled withu nconditional loe and kisses from our children, family,
\friends and Cod. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
\
\"ou now hae two choices ... you can(
\
\1. )ass this on to your friends, or
\
\8. 4elete it and act like it didn#t touch your heart.
\
\$s you can see, I took choice %o.1. .riends are like angels who lift us to
\our feet when our wings hae trouble remembering how to fly.
There was a ery gracious lady who was mailing an old family /ible to her brother in another
part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "!nly the Ten
,ommandments." answered the lady
When I picked up my .ord +scort at the serice station after some minor repairs, I paid 0PH by
check as usual. $ couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife Euite upset. She
gae me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the
canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "+scort Serice."
$ parent decreed one ,hristmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their
thank7you note duties. $s a result their grandmother neer receied acknowledgments of the
generous checks she had gien. The ne't year things were different, howeer. "The children
came oer in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful&"
the friend e'claimed. "What do you think caused the change in behaior?" "!h, that#s easy," the
grandmother replied. "This year I didn#t sign the checks."
$ daughter, thinking she needed breast enhancement Jto be like all her friendsK, went to her
father and asked to hae them done for her si'teenth birthday. The wise father, knowing she was
beautiful Bust as she was, looked at her, looked in his check book and said; "I#m sorry sweetheart,
but we could only afford to do one right now." The subBect neer came up again.
I went to a ,hristmas party the other night and was haing a real blast. $fter I#d been there a few
hoursJand seeral, seeral drinksK, I noticed this fabulous blonde standing oer to the side. She
was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She was built
like a brick, well, anyway she was built. The ama9ing thing was, she kept staring at me and
smiling. %aturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. 3ike they say, nothing entured,
nothing gained. I went oer and stuck up a conersation with herJdon#t remember about what, but
it had to be ery interestingK. Well one thing led to another and she inited me back to her place
and being the gentleman I am, I said !5. I#m not going to go into all the details of the
nightJmainly because I don#t rememberK, but I awoke the ne't morning to the aroma of fresh
coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is great, I think I might hae a keeper here. I got up
and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom Jlooked to be in her X2#s
or O2#sK was standing at the stoe. +mbarrassed, I stammered where#s your daughter? She slowly
turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, I don#t hae a daughter.
3ast year one of our clients, a bedding company, asked us to shoot a picture of all of their
employees, for their a7mas card. The account e'ec. decided it would be cute if they all wore
sleepwear in the shot, since they manufacture pillows, comforters, etc.. He also decided to hae a
cocktail party for them prior to the photo session. This had all of the trappings of disaster, +ighty
people, in their )Ds, after a few drinks, climbing up on a si' foot tall riser, draped with cloth.
When they all finally straggled into the studio, I had to shout through a bull horn to get their
attention. I asked them to get on the riser, but before I could warn them that the benches had
open spaces under the drapes, they made a mad dash, to get the best spots. !f course the whole
thing collapsed and I was faced with a mass of cloth and people. ,linging to each other and the
risers, laughing and thrashing around, arms and legs askew, with hair sticking up eery where.
.rustrated, I shouted oer the bullhorn, "H+", 3!!5 $T :+." They did, all at one time and I
snapped the shutter at that e'act moment. The account e'ec. was beside himself, he thought the
account was blown for sure. We reassembled and did some straight shots, but they thought the
disastrous was shot so funny, that they used it, and as a bonus when I, as a Boke, sent along a tag
line, they used that too. It read,"Hope your holiday parties are as much fun as ours."
A Parents Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage !ome Assembly "e#uired.
The children were #uiet $not asleep% in their beds,
&hile 'ad and I faced the e(ening with dread)
A *itchen, two bi*es, Barbie's town house to boot+
And, than*s to ,randpa, a train with a toot+
&e opened the bo-es, my heart s*ipped a beat...
.et no parts be missing or parts incomplete+
Too late for last/minute returns or replacement0
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement+
&hen what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 12 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
&ith each part numbered and e(ery slot named,
!o if we failed, only we could be blamed.
3ore rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All o(er the carpet they were scattered about.
Now bolt it+ Now twist it+ Attach it right there+
!lide on the seats, and staple the stair+
4ammer the shel(es, and nail to the stand.
4oney, said hubby, you 5ust glued my hand.
And then in a twin*ling, I *new for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To *eep parents busy all Christmas 6(e night
&ith assembly re#uired till morning's first light.
&e spo*e not a word, but *ept bent at our wor*,
Till our eyes, they went bleary0 our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
&e fell into bed for a well/deser(ed rest.
But I said to my husband 5ust before I passed out,
This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not ha(e to run to the store for a thing+
&e did it+ &e did it+ The toys are all set
7or the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet+
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self/deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATT6"I6! are ne(er included+
$fter the birth of their child, an +piscopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, isited his wife in
the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gae her another hug and kiss when he
left. 3ater, the wife#s roommate commented, ""our pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
TH+ ,H*IST:$S H!//" H!*S+( $ grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
,hristmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arried in 1XO pieces. The instructions said that
it could be put together in an hour. It took the old man two days to assemble the toy. .inally,
when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 1XO pieces and mailed it off to the
company
The young couple inited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen
preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were haing. "Coat," 3ittle Dohnny
replied. "Coat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "$re you sure about that?" ""ep," said
Dohnny "I heard )a say to :a, #:ight as well hae the old goat for dinner today as any other
day.#"
-nauthori9ed $ctiity
This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to a man named *yan 4eFries by the
:ichigan 4epartment of +nironmental Luality, State of :ichigan. Wait till you read this guy#s
response.......but read the letter before you get to the response........
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
:r. *yan 4eFries 82XX 4agget )ierson, :I IOMMO S-/D+,T( 4+L .ile %o. OP7HO7228M;
T11%; *12W, Sec. 82; :ontcalm ,ounty 4ear :r. 4eFries(
It has come to the attention of the 4epartment of +nironmental Luality that there has been
recent unauthori9ed actiity on the aboe referenced parcel of property. "ou hae been certified
as the legal landowner and>or contractor who did the following unauthori9ed actiity(
,onstruction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring )ond.
$ permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of actiity. $ reiew of the 4epartment#s
files shows that no permits hae been issued. Therefore, the 4epartment has determined that this
actiity is in iolation of )art M21, Inland 3akes and Streams, of the %atural *esource and
+nironmental )rotection $ct, $ct IH1 of the )ublic $cts of 1OOI, being sections M8I.M2121 to
M8I.M211M of the :ichigan ,ompiled 3aws, annotated. The 4epartment has been informed that
one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain eent, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently ha9ardous and cannot be
permitted. The 4epartment therefore orders you to cease and desist all actiities at this location,
and to restore the stream to a free7flow condition by remoing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel. $ll restoration work shall be completed no later than Danuary M1,
8228. )lease notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow7up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. .ailure to comply with this reEuest or any further
unauthori9ed actiity on the site may result in this case being referred for eleated enforcement
action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. )lease feel free
to contact me at this office if you hae any Euestions. Sincerely, 4aid 3. )rice 4istrict
*epresentatie 3and and Water :anagement 4iision ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is the actual response sent back........ 4ear :r. )rice, *e( 4+L .ile %o. OP7HO7228M; T11%;
*12W, Sec. 82; :ontcalm ,ounty.
"our certified letter dated 18>1P>21 has been handed to me to respond to. .irst of all, :r. *yan
4eFries is not the legal 3andowner and>or ,ontractor at 82XX 4agget, )ierson, :ichigan. I am
the legal owner and a couple of beaers are in the JState unauthori9edK process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring )ond. While I
did not pay for, authori9e, nor superise their dam proBect, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam proBect any time and>or any place you choose. I
beliee I can safely state there is no way you could eer match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and>or their
dam work ethic. $s to your reEuest, I do not think the beaers are aware that they must first fill
out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam actiity. :y first dam Euestion to you is(
J1K $re you trying to discriminate against my Spring )ond /eaers or J8K do you reEuire all
beaers throughout this State to conform to said dam reEuest? If you are not discriminating
against these particular beaers, through the .reedom of Information $ct, I reEuest completed
copies of all those other applicable beaer dam permits that hae been issued. )erhaps we will
see if there really is a dam iolation of )art M21, Inland 3akes and Streams, of the %atural
*esource and +nironmental )rotection $ct, $ct IH1 of the )ublic $cts of 1OOI, being sections
M8I.M2121 to M8I.M211M of the :ichigan ,ompiled 3aws, annotated. I hae seeral concerns.
:y first concern is 7 aren#t the beaers entitled to legal representation? The Spring )ond /eaers
are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation 7 so the State will hae to
proide them with a dam lawyer. The 4epartment#s dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain eent causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence,
which the 4epartment is reEuired to protect. In other words, we should leae the Spring )ond
/eaers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free7flow condition please contact the beaers 7 but if you are going to arrest
them, they obiously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
+nglish. In my humble opinion, the Spring )ond /eaers hae a right to build their unauthori9ed
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They hae more
dam rights than I do to lie and enBoy Spring )ond. If the 4epartment of %atural *esources and
+nironmental )rotection lies up to its name, it should protect the natural resources J/eaersK
and the enironment J/eaers# 4ams.K. So, as far as the beaers and I are concerned, this dam
case can be referred for more eleated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1>M1>8228?
The Spring )ond /eaers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or
your dam staff to contact>harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention
to a real enironmental Euality JhealthK problem in the area. It is the bears& /ears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely beliee you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leae the beaers alone. If you are going to inestigate the beaer dam, watch your step& JThe
bears are not careful where they dump&K /eing unable to comply with your dam reEuest, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your
dam office. Sincerely, Stephen 3.Tedten
Here is one story about people shoeling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This
apparently is a problem for the ,hicago police eery winter. What happens is that somebody will
park in a nearby parking lot, then slae away for how eer many hours it takes to shoel out a
car7si9ed space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to
the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other
car. He is, well, upset. What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the
windshield of the offending ehicle. Where the police get inoled, howeer, is the occasional
case where the indiidual ents his wrath in somewhat more iolent means. Tires and throats
hae been slashed oer this. !ne time a fellow got creatie. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he
got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, ery, ery
thoroughly. The water, of course, fro9e solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he
found a car7si9ed )opsicle. The note on the car read( ""ou want the space? Here, it#s yours until
spring&
+en if you#re not a grandparent you will enBoy this. $ teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their acation. !ne child wrote the following( We always spend our acation with
Crandma and Crandpa. They used to lie here in a big, brick house, but Crandpa got retarded
and they moed to .lorida and now they lie in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They
lie in a tin bo' and hae rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big
tricycles and wear name tags because they don#t know who they are anymore. They go to a
building called a wrecked center, but they must hae got it fi'ed because it is all right now. They
play games and do e'ercises there, but they don#t do them ery well. There is a swimming pool
too, but they all Bump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don#t know how to swim.
$t their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody
can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. :y grandma
used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. %obody there cooks, they Bust eat out.
$nd they eat the same thing eery night( +arly /irds. Some of the people can#t get past the man
in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call
it pot luck. :y Crandma says Crandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I
should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the
man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can isit their grandchildren
When $ndrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother#s wedding
dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. $s her mother#s
eyes welled up with tears, $ndrea put an arm around her. ""ou#re not losing a daughter", she
reminded her mother in time7honored fashion, "you#re gaining a son." "!h forget about that&"
said her mother with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress&"
:y husband and I were at the moies recently, when a middle aged couple sat down in front of
us. The man was complaining about being stuffed from dinner and his wife whispered, "Dust
loosen your belt a little." He loosened his belt and apparently also undid his button. $bout half7
way through the moie, a rather large lady, seated on the other side of the couple got up to go out
and when the man stood to let her pass he reali9ed that his 9ipper had opened, so he attempted to
pull it up while he was standing. When he did the 9ipper caught on the lady#s dress. This caused
her to stop when she felt the tug and she hissed "What are you doing? 3et go of me&" He, being
afraid her dress would tear, grabbed her arm and said "Wait, don#t moe&" %ow the lady got a
little louder "3+T :+ C!&" she cried. This got his wife#s attention and she chimmed in, "Harry,
what are you doing, hae you lost your mind, let her go&" $t this point the lady started Berking at
her dress, causing poor Harry#s pelis to Bump forward in a most proocatie way. *ight at this
moment a moie employee had arried and spotlighted the scene with a flashlight. There stood
Harry, his belt flopping, his fly unbuttoned, with his pelis tight against the lady#s butt. I could
hear him trying to e'plain all the way up the aisle, as he shuffled along behind the distraught
lady, with his poor wife in tears following along. I understand they eentually got the whole
mess straightened out, but I was laughing so hard that I couldn#t get it under control and had to
leae. Cood thing I had read the book.
3ooking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie.
To my delight, howeer, I found Bust what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed
a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all
along( despite being oer H2, I still hae a ery "with it" attitude. "I see we hae the same taste,"
I said proudly to the 827 something behind me. ""es," she replied. "I#m getting this for my
grandmother."
$ police officer pulls oer this guy who#s been weaing in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the
guy#s window and says, ... Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube. The man says, ...
Sorry, officer, I can#t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I#ll hae a really bad asthma
attack. ... !kay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to gie a blood sample. ... I can#t do
that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I#ll bleed to death. ... Well, then, we need a urine
sample. ... I#m sorry, officer, I can#t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I#ll get really
low blood sugar. ... $ll right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. ... I can#t
do that, officer. ... Why not? ... /ecause I#m drunk
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured
with a lock. I didn#t know the combination, but our clergyman offered to gie it a try. .ather Dack
placed his fingers on the lock#s dial and raised his eyes heaenward for a moment. Then he
confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this
demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
SubBect( The year is 1O28
I thought it was pretty interesting how much things change.
The year is 1O28 , one hundred and 1 years ago... what a difference a
century makes. Here are the -.S. statistics for 1O28....

The aerage life e'pectancy in the -S was forty7seen.
!nly 1I )ercent of the homes in the -S had a bathtub.
!nly X percent of the homes had a telephone.
$ three7minute call from 4ener to %ew "ork ,ity cost eleen dollars.
There were only X,222 cars in the -S and only 1II miles of paed
roads.
The ma'imum speed limit in most cities was 12 mph.
$labama, :ississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heaily
populated than ,alifornia. With a mere 1.I million residents,
,alifornia was only the 81st most populous state in the -nion.
The tallest structure in the world was the +iffel Tower.
The aerage wage in the -S was 88 cents an hour.
The aerage -S worker made between 0822 and 0I22 per year.
$ competent accountant could e'pect to earn 08222 per year, a dentist
08,H22 per year, a eterinarian between 01,H22 and 0I,222 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about 0H,222 per year.
:ore than OH percent of all births in the -S took place at home.
%inety percent of all -S physicians had no college education. Instead,
they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the
press and by the goernment as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. +ggs were fourteen cents a do9en.
,offee cost fifteen cents a pound.
:ost women only washed their hair once a month and used bora' or egg
yolks for shampoo.
,anada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country
for any reason.
The fie leading causes of death in the -S were(
1. )neumonia and influen9a
8. Tuberculosis
M. 4iarrhea
I. Heart disease
H. Stroke
The $merican flag had IH stars. $ri9ona, !klahoma, %ew :e'ico, Hawaii
and $laska hadn#t been admitted to the -nion yet.
The population of 3as Fegas, %eada was M2.
,rossword pu99les, canned beer, and iced tea hadn#t been inented.
There were no :other#s 4ay or .ather#s 4ay.
!ne in ten -S adults couldn#t read or write. !nly N percent of all
$mericans had graduated from high school.
:ariBuana, heroin, and morphine were all aailable oer the counter at
corner drugstores. $ccording to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
comple'ion, gies buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
+ighteen percent of households in the -S had at least one full7time
serant or domestic.
There were only about 8M2 reported murders in the entire -S.
Dust think what it will be like in another 122 years. It boggles the
mind
I'(e always ordered be(erages one simple way) A Co*e, please.
.ately, though, this hasn't seemed to wor*. &aitresses now often respond,
I'm sorry, we don't ha(e Co*e. &e ha(e Pepsi, 'iet Pepsi, 'r. Pepper, 3r.
Pibb.
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drin*s, I thought I'd ma*e life easier.
!o one day I simply as*ed the snac* bar cler* at a mo(ie theater for a
dar*, carbonated be(erage.
The young man behind the counter chuc*led and as*ed, !ir, would you li*e
a cylindrical plastic suc*ing de(ice with that8
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no7trace odka
martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo( To all employees; If you must
drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you#re
drunk than to think you#re stupid.
Two Fery Cood Luestions..... Luestion 1( If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had X
kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis; would you recommend that she hae an abortion? *ead the ne't Euestion before
scrolling down to the answer of this one. Luestion 8( It is time to elect a new world leader, and
your ote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates( ,andidate $( $ssociates
with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He#s had two mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks X to 12 martinis a day. ,andidate /( He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a Euart of whisky eery eening. ,andidate ,( He
is a decorated war hero. He#s a egetarian, doesn#t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn#t
had any e'tramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? J4ecide first, no
peeking, then scroll down for the answerK.
\ \ \ ,andidate $ is .ranklin 4. *ooseelt,
\ \ \ \ ,andidate / is Winston ,hurchill,
\ \ \ \ ,andidate , is $dolph Hitler.
$nd by the way( $nswer to the abortion Euestion if you said yes, you Bust killed /eethoen.
)retty interesting isn#t it? :akes a person think before Budging someone...and remember,
$mateurs built the ark .... )rofessionals built the Titanic
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in
good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. /ut when they saw how enormous it was,
they#d leae. +entually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I#e got to see," I
thought. They remoed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they
picked up all the coins that tumbled out and droe off.
I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of
menopause 7 hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability 7 returned. $t the drugstore, I found myself
telling the pharmacist all about my problems. $fter listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many
people asked you to get this refilled?"
It#s time once again to consider the candidates for the 822M Stella $wards. The Stella#s are named
after X17year7old Stella 3iebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued :c4onalds.
That case inspired the Stella $wards for the most uniEuely successful lawsuits in the -nited
States for last year. $ctually, Boint awards should be gien to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the Buries who awarded anything at all to these morons77who desered
%!THI%C&&&& The following are this year#s candidates(
5athleen *obertson of $ustin, Te'as, was awarded 0PX2,222 by a Bury of her peers after
breaking her ankle tripping oer a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners
of the store were understandably surprised at the erdict, considering the misbehaing little
toddler was :s. *obertson#s son.
$ 1O7year7old ,arl Truman of 3os $ngeles won 0PI,222 and medical e'penses when his
neighbor ran oer his hand with a Honda $ccord. :r. Truman apparently didn#t notice there was
someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor#s hubcaps.
Terrence 4ickson of /ristol, )ennsylania, was leaing a house he had Bust finished robbing by
way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door
opener was malfunctioning. He couldn#t reenter the house because the door connecting the house
and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on acation, and :r. 4ickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of )epsi he found, and a large
bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner#s insurance claiming the situation caused him
undue mental anguish. The Bury agreed, to the tune of 0H22,222.
Derry Williams of 3ittle *ock, $rkansas, was awarded 01I,H22 and medical e'penses after being
bitten on the buttocks by his ne't door neighbor#s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its
owner#s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the Bury felt the dog might hae
been Bust a little prooked at the time by :r. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.
$ )hiladelphia restaurant was ordered to pay $mber ,arson of 3ancaster, )ennsylania,
011M,H22 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccy'& JtailboneK. The beerage was on
the floor because :s. ,arson had thrown it at her boyfriend M2 seconds earlier during an
argument.
5ara Walton of ,laymont, 4elaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two
front teeth. This occurred while :s. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies
room to aoid paying the 0M.H2 coer charge. She was awarded 018,222 and dental e'penses.
This year#s faorite could easily be :r. :er Cra9inski of !klahoma ,ity, !klahoma. :r.
Cra9inski purchased a brand new M87 foot Winnebago motor home. !n his first trip home,
haing drien onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at P2 mph and calmly left the driers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. %ot surprisingly, the *F left the
freeway, crashed and oerturned. :r. Cra9inski sued Winnebago for not adising him in the
owner#s manual that he couldn#t actually do this. The Bury awarded him 01,PH2,222 plus a new
motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, Bust in case
there were any other complete morons buying their recreation ehicles.
In 1OO2 a woman entered a Haagen74a9s in the 5ansas ,ity )la9a for an ice7cream cone. While
she was ordering, another customer entered the store. She placed her order, turned and found
herself face to face with )aul %ewman. He was in town filming a moie. His blue eyes made her
knees buckle. She finished paying and Euickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.
Caining her composure she suddenly reali9ed she didn#t hae her cone; she turned to go back in.
$t the door she again came face7to7face with )aul %ewman who was coming out. He said to her,
"$re you looking for your ice7cream cone?" -nable to utter a word she nodded yes. ""ou put it
in your purse with your change."
W$SHI%CT!%, 4, J$head!f%ews.comK 7 In a surprise statement made after two nearly
sleepless nights, Ceorge W. /ush has stated that IraE must hand oer the +aster /unny or face
military action.
"I wasn#t Euite sure how to take that," said a Washington insider who asked not to be named. "$t
first I thought it was a code phrase, or something. Then I reali9ed he#d been working on his State
of the -nion speech for almost IX hours straight, and he might Bust be sleepwalking."
!ther Washington insiders agree, suggesting that this may be the first recorded episode of
presidential somnambulation.
,olin )owell rushed to /ush#s defense howeer, and insisted that the president was neither
talking in his sleep nor using a code phrase. "We hae eidence obtained from our own sources
that Saddam Hussein has the +aster /unny, and that he#s been using deception and stalling tactics
to preent the -% inspection team from finding him."
)owell continued "3et me make this perfectly clear 7 absence of eidence is not eidence of
absence. It#s not up to us to proe that IraE has the +aster /unny. It#s up to IraE to proe that it
does not. If Saddam Hussein can#t do something this simple, it#s absolute proof that they are not
only deliberately hiding the +aster /unny, but also biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons of
mass destruction."
!ne day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home
from school. His name was 5yle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to
myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a .riday? He must really be a nerd."
I had Euite a weekend planned Jparties and a football game with my friends tomorrow
afternoonK, so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
$s I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his
books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I
saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible
sadness in his eyes.
:y heart went out to him. So, I Bogged oer to him and as he crawled around looking for his
glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. $s I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are Berks.
They really should get lies." He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks&" There was a big smile on
his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lied. $s it turned out, he lied near me,
so I asked him why I had neer seen him before. He said he had gone to priate school before
now.
I would hae neer hung out with a priate school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I
carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play
a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to
know 5yle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
:onday morning came, and there was 5yle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him
and said, "/oy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books
eeryday&" He Bust laughed and handed me half the books.
!er the ne't four years, 5yle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to
think about college. 5yle decided on Ceorgetown, and I was going to 4uke. I knew that we
would always be friends, that the miles would neer be a problem. He was going to be a doctor,
and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
5yle was aledictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to
prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn#t me haing to get up there and speak. Craduation day, I saw 5yle. He
looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled
out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loed him.
/oy, sometimes I was Bealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nerous about his speech. So, I smacked
him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you#ll be great&" He looked at me with one of those
looks Jthe really grateful oneK and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.
$s he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Craduation is a time to thank those
who helped you make it through those tough years. "our parents, your teachers, your siblings,
maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to
someone is the best gift you can gie them. I am going to tell you a story."
I Bust looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had
planned to kill himself oer the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his
:om wouldn#t hae to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gae me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saed. :y friend saed me
from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his
weakest moment. I saw his :om and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
%ot until that moment did I reali9e it#s depth.
%eer underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a
person#s life. .or better or for worse.
Cod puts us all in each other#s lies to impact one another in some way. 3ook for Cod in others.
"ou now hae two choices, you can( 1K )ass this on to your friends or 8K 4elete it and act like it
didn#t touch your heart.
$s you can see, I took choice number 1. ".riends are angels who lift us to our feet when our
wings hae trouble remembering how to fly."
It#s %ational .riendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to eeryone you
consider a .*I+%4. If it comes back to you, then you#ll know you hae a circle of friends.
4umb is Cood
$ long, long, time ago, when I was 1O or 82, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the
door asked for my I4. I gae him my drier#s license, which of course had my date of birth
printed on it. He looked at it and said, ""ou hae to be 81 to get in here." I replied, "That I4 is a
few years old." He looked at it again for a moment, then said, "!h, !5" and let me in.
MI *easons why it feels good to be a man
1. .ootball.
8. -nderstanding football Jany footballK.
M. $ fie7day holiday reEuires one oernight bag.
I. )hone conersations are oer in M2 seconds flat.
H. Lueues for the bathroom don#t e'ist.
N. "ou can open all your Bars.
P. When clicking through the channels you don#t hae to stall at eery shot of some one drying.
X. "ou don#t hae to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
O. "ou can go to the bathroom without a support group.
12. When your work is criticised, you understand that eeryone doesn#t secretly hate you
11. "ou get e'tra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
18. "ou can shower and be ready to go in 12 minutes
1M. "ou sae time and money by washing up in bulk eery third week.
1I. Wedding plans take care of themseles.
1H. If someone forgets to inite you to something, it means they forgot to inite you. It doesn#t
mean they hate you, and they still can be your friend.
1N. %one of your co7workers has the power to make you cry.
1P. If you are MI and still single, nobody een notices.
1X. /iological clock&? What is that?
1O. ,hocolate is Bust another snack.
82. .lowers fi' eerything.
81. *eerse parking is easy.
88. Window7shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
8M. :ichael /olton does not e'ist in your unierse.
8I. ,ar mechanics tell you the truth.
8H. "ou can Euietly watch a game on TF with a buddy for hours without eer thinking he is mad
at you.
8N. !ne mood, all the time
8P. Same work, more pay&
8X. Crey hair and wrinkles add character.
8O. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
M2. If you don#t call your buddy when you had said you would, he won#t tell your other friends
and they won#t try and work out what the problem is.
M1. 4ieting inoles getting regular7si9ed fries with your burger.
M8. "ou don#t hae to remember eeryone#s birthday and anniersaries.
MM. .arts are JstillK funny.
MI. "ou can send this to males and not hae to worry about them being offended.
Inspirational Posters 7or The Cubicle 6ra
"ome did not create a great empire by ha(ing meetings, they did it by *illing all those who
opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably ha(en't completely
understood the seriousness of the situation.
'oing a 5ob "I,4T the first time gets the 5ob done. 'oing the 5ob &"9N, fourteen times
gi(es you 5ob security.
6agles may soar, but weasels don't get suc*ed into 5et engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural !tupidity
A person who smiles in the face of ad(ersity...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism sa(es time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Ne(er put off until tomorrow what you can a(oid altogether.
T6A3&9":...means ne(er ha(ing to ta*e all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale impro(es.
Ne(er underestimate the power of (ery stupid people in large groups.
&e waste time, so you don't ha(e to.
4ang in there, retirement is only thirty years away+
,o the e-tra mile. It ma*es your boss loo* li*e an incompetent slac*er.
A snoo;e button is a poor substitute for no alarm cloc* at all.
&hen the going gets tough, the tough ta*e a coffee brea*.
IN'6CI!I9N is the *ey to 7.6<IBI.IT=.
!ucceed in spite of management.
Aim .ow, "each =our ,oals, A(oid 'isappointment.
2 Sunday school teacher was discussing the ,en )ommandments with her
adult's class. 2fter e&ploring the commandment to $honor thy father and thy
mother,$ she asked $Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our spouses$ (ithout missing a beat one older man answered, $,hou shall
not kill.$
98. (hen they ask $*ow are you today$ ,ell them+ $I'm so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problemsD my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...$
:. If they say they're /ohn !oe from E-F )ompany, ask them to spell their
name. ,hen ask them to spell the company name. ,hen ask them where it is
located. )ontinue asking them personal .uestions or .uestions about their
company for as long as necessary.
>. )ry out in surprise, $/udy+ Is that you 1h my Bod+ /udy, how have you
been$ *opefully, this will give /udy a few brief moments of pause as she
tries to figure out where the h5l she could know you from.
C. If ")I calls trying to get you to sign up for the <amily and <riends 0lan,
reply, in as SI'IS,#% a voice as you can, $I don't have any friends ....would
you be my friend$
;. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
7. ,ell the telemarketer you are on $home incarceration$ and ask if they
could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. 2fter the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him@her to marry you. (hen
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.
=. ,ell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they
will give you their *1"# phone number so you can call them back. (hen the
telemarketer e&plains that they cannot give out their *1"# number, you say
$I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right$ ,he
telemarketer will agree and you say, $'ow you know how I feel+$ Say good
bye 5 and *ang up.
?. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. $)ome on
Leon, cut it out+ Seriously, Leon, how's your momma$
9. 2nd first and foremost6 ,ell them to talk 3#%- SL1(L-, because you want
to write #3#%- (1%! down.
There was once an Indian man called *aBu who was
\inoled in a car accident. $t the hospital, when he awoke, he called
\for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him. "I#m ery sorry, sir, but
\you were inoled in a ery bad car crash". ",ar crash& :y )orsche& my
\)orsche& is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. "Sir, your car
\was destroyed, but that is the least of
\your worries you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to
\sae it",she said apologetically. "I lost my arm? :y *ole'& :y
\*ole'&" "Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries.
\"ou are in a ery critical condition, but all your family are here to see
\you". He asked for his family to be called in. $s they gathered around the
\bed,he called for each of them by name. "Shilpa, are you here?" "I am
\here husband, and I will neer leae you". "4ilip, are you here?" "I am
\here father, and I will neer leae you". "$nil, are you here?" "I am here
\father, and I will neer leae you." ")riya,
\my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will neer leae
\you." "Well," said *aBu thoughtfully, "if Shilpa, 4ilip, $nil and )riya are
\here 7 if all of you are here, WH! TH+ H+33 IS I% TH+ SH!)?&&&&"
$ minister passing through his church
\
\in the middle of the day,
\
\4ecided to pause by the altar
\
\and see who had come to pray.
\
\
\
\Dust then the back door opened,
\
\a man came down the aisle,
\
\The minister frowned as he saw
\
\the man hadn#t shaed in a while.
\
\
\
\His shirt was shabby, old
\
\and his coat was worn and frayed,
\
\the man knelt, he bowed his head,
\
\then rose and walked away.
\
\
\
\In the days that followed,
\
\each noon time came this chap,
\
\each time he knelt Bust for a moment,
\
\a lunch pail in his lap.
\
\
\
\Well, the minister#s suspicions grew,
\
\with robbery a main fear,
\
\He decided to stop the man and ask him,
\
\"What are you doing here?"
\
\
\
\The old man said he worked down the road.
\
\3unch was half an hour.
\
\3unchtime was his prayer time,
\
\for finding strength and power.
\
\
\
\"I stay only moments, see,
\
\because the factory is so far away;
\
\as I kneel here talking to the 3ord,
\
\this is what I say(
\
\
\
\"I D-ST ,$:+ $C$I% T! T+33 "!-, 3!*4,
\
\H!W H$))" I#F+ /++%,
\
\SI%,+ W+ .!-%4 +$,H !TH+*#S .*I+%4SHI)
\
\$%4 "!- T!!5 $W$" :" SI%.
\
\4!%#T 5%!W :-,H !. H!W T! )*$", /-T I
\
\THI%5 $/!-T "!- +F+*"4$".
\
\S!, D+S-S, THIS IS DI: ,H+,5I%C I% T!4$"."
\
\
\
\The minister feeling foolish,
\
\told Dim, that was fine.
\
\He told the man he was welcome
\
\to come and pray Bust anytime.
\
\
\
\Time to go, Dim smiled, and said
\
\"Thanks." He sped to the door.
\
\The minister knelt at the altar,
\
\he#d neer done it before.
\
\
\
\His cold heart melted, warmed with loe,
\
\and met with Desus there.
\
\$s the tears flowed, in his heart,
\
\he repeated old Dim#s prayer(
\
\
\
\H!W H$))" I#F+ /++%,
\
\SI%,+ W+ .!-%4 +$,H !TH+*#S .*I+%4SHI)
\
\$%4 "!- T!!5 $W$" :" SI%.
\
\I 4!%#T 5%!W :-,H !. H!W T! )*$", /-T I
\
\THI%5 $/!-T "!- +F+*"4$".
\
\S!, D+S-S, THIS IS :+ ,H+,5I%C I% T!4$"."
\
\
\
\)ast noon one day, the minister noticed
\
\that old Dim hadn#t come.
\
\$s more days passed without Dim,
\
\he began to worry some.
\
\
\
\$t the factory, he asked about him,
\
\learning he was ill.
\
\The hospital staff was worried,
\
\but he#d gien them a thrill.
\
\
\
\The week that Dim was with them,
\
\brought changes in the ward.
\
\His smiles, a Boy contagious.
\
\,hanged people, were his reward.
\
\
\
\The head nurse couldn#t understand
\
\why Dim was so glad,
\
\when no flowers, calls or cards came,
\
\not a isitor he had.
\
\
\
\The minister stayed by his bed,
\
\he oiced the nurse#s concern(
\
\%o friends came to show they cared.
\
\He had nowhere to turn.
\
\
\
\3ooking surprised, old Dim spoke up
\
\and with a winsome smile;
\
\"The nurse is wrong, she couldn#t know,
\
\that in here all the while
\
\eeryday at noon He#s here,
\
\a dear friend of mine, you see,
\
\He sits right down, takes my hand,
\
\leans oer and says to me(
\
\"I D-ST ,$:+ $C$I% T! T+33 "!-, DI:,
\
\H!W H$))" I H$F+ /++%,
\
\SI%,+ W+ .!-%4 THIS .*I+%4SHI),
\
\$%4 I T!!5 $W$" "!-* SI%.
\
\$3W$"S 3!F+ T! H+$* "!- )*$",
\
\I THI%5 $/!-T "!- +$,H 4$",
\
\$%4 S! DI:, THIS IS D+S-S
\
\,H+,5I%C I% T!4$"."
\
\
\
\If this blesses you, pass it on... :any
\
\people will walk in and out of
\
\your life, but only true friends will
\
\leae footprints in your heart.
\
\
!*ICI%$3 F+*SI!%
\ 1. !nce upon a time a tortoise and a hare had an argument about who was
\ faster. They decided to settle the argument with a race. They agreed on a
\ route and started off the race. The hare shot ahead and ran briskly for
\ some time. Then seeing that he was far ahead of the tortoise, he thought
\ he#d sit under a tree for some time and rela' before continuing the race.
\
\ He sat under the tree and soon fell asleep. The tortoise plodding on
\ oertook him and soon finished the race, emerging as the undisputed champ.
\
\
\ The moral of the story is that slow and steady wins the race. This is the
\ ersion of the story that we#e all grown up with.
\
\ %+W F+*SI!%
\ 8. /ut then recently, someone told me a more interesting ersion of this
\ story. It continues.
\
\ The hare was disappointed at losing the race and he did some
\ soul7searching. He realised that he#d lost the race only because he had
\ been oerconfident, careless and la'. If he had not taken things for
\ granted, there#s no way the tortoise could hae beaten him. So he
\ challenged the tortoise to another race. The tortoise agreed.
\
\ This time, the hare went all out and ran without stopping from start to
\ finish. He won by seeral miles.
\
\ The moral of the story? .ast and consistent will always beat the slow and
\ steady. If you hae two people in your organi9ation, one slow, methodical
\ and reliable, and the other fast and still reliable at what he does, the
\ fast and reliable chap will consistently climb the organi9ational ladder
\ faster than the slow, methodical chap.
\
\ It#s good to be slow and steady; but it#s better to be fast and reliable.
\
\ M. /ut the story doesn#t end here. The tortoise did some thinking this
\ time, and reali9ed that there#s no way he can beat the hare in a race the
\ way it was currently formatted. He thought for a while, and then
\ challenged the hare to another race, but on a slightly different route.
\
\ The hare agreed. They started off. In keeping with his self7made
\ commitment to be consistently fast, the hare took off and ran at top speed
\ until he came to a broad rier. The finishing line was a couple of
\ kilometres on the other side of the rier.
\
\ The hare sat there wondering what to do. In the meantime the tortoise
\ trundled along, got into the rier, swam to the opposite bank, continued
\ walking and finished the race.
\
\ The moral of the story? .irst identify your core competency and then
\ change the playing field to suit your core competency.
\
\ In an organi9ation, if you are a good speaker, make sure you create
\ opportunities to gie presentations that enable the senior management to
\ notice you.
\
\ If your strength is analysis, make sure you do some sort of research, make
\ a report and send it upstairs.
\
\ Working to your strengths will not only get you noticed, but will also
\ create opportunities for growth and adancement.
\
\ The story still hasn#t ended&&
\
\ I. The hare and the tortoise, by this time, had become pretty good friends
\ and they did some thinking together. /oth reali9ed that the last race
\ could hae been run much better. So they decided to do the last race
\ again, but to run as a team this time.
\
\ They started off, and this time the hare carried the tortoise till the
\ rierbank. There, the tortoise took oer and swam across with the hare on
\ his back. !n the opposite bank, the hare again carried the tortoise and
\ they reached the finishing line together. They both felt a greater sense
\ of satisfaction than they#d felt earlier.
\
\ The moral of the story? It#s good to be indiidually brilliant and to hae
\ strong core competencies; but unless you#re able to work in a team and
\ harness each other#s core competencies, you#ll always perform below par
\ because there will always be situations at which you#ll do poorly and
\ someone else does well.
\
\ Teamwork is mainly about situational leadership, letting the person with
\ the releant core competency for a situation take leadership.
\
\ There are more lessons to be learnt from this story. %ote that neither the
\ hare nor the tortoise gae up after failures.
\
\ The hare decided to work harder and put in more effort after his failure.
\
\ The tortoise changed his strategy because he was already working as hard
\ as he could.
\
\ In life, when faced with failure, sometimes it is appropriate to work
\ harder and put in more effort. Sometimes it is appropriate to change
\ strategy and try something different. $nd sometimes it is appropriate to
\ do both.
\
\ The hare and the tortoise also learnt another ital lesson. When we stop
\ competing against a rial and instead start competing against the
\ situation, we perform far better.
\
\ When *oberto Coi9ueta took oer as ,+! of ,oca7,ola in the 1OX2s, he was
\ faced with intense competition from )epsi that was eating into ,oke#s
\ growth. His e'ecuties were )epsi7focused and intent on increasing market
\ share 2.1 per cent a time.
\
\ Coi9ueta decided to stop competing against )epsi and instead compete
\ against the situation of 2.1 per cent growth.
\
\ He asked his e'ecuties what was the aerage fluid intake of an $merican
\ per day? The answer was 1I ounces. What was ,oke#s share of that? Two
\ ounces. Coi9ueta said ,oke needed a larger share of that market. The
\ competition wasn#t )epsi. It was the water, tea, coffee, milk and fruit
\ Buices that went into the remaining 18 ounces. The public should reach for
\ a ,oke wheneer they felt like drinking something.
\
\
\ To this end, ,oke put up ending machines at eery street corner. Sales
\ took a Euantum Bump and )epsi has neer Euite caught up since.
\
\ To sum up, the story of the hare and tortoise teaches us many things.
\
\ ,hief among them are that fast and consistent will always beat slow and
\ steady; work to your competencies; pooling resources and working as a team
\ will always beat indiidual performers; neer gie up when faced with
\ failure; and finally, compete against the situation not against a rial
\
\
SubBect( )etrol )rices.
We receied the following message from the -5 which is ery interesting but will it work? We
are willing to gie it a go 7 how about you? The price of petrol has gone up by 5sh 8 in the last M
months& We are now paying almost 5sh N8 per litre up from 5shs HI last year&&&& This is
preposterous, but we can do something about it.
We are going to hit close to 5sh X2 a litre by the summer, or it may be een higher. Would you
rather petrol prices came down instead? We need to take some intelligent, united action&&&
)hilip Hollsworth, offered this good idea, and it makes :-,H :!*+ S+%S+ than the "don#t
buy petrol on a certain day" campaign that was going around last $pril>:ay& The oil companies
Bust laughed at that because they knew we wouldn#t continue to "hurt ourseles" by refusing to
buy petrol. It was more inconenient to us than it was a problem for them. /-T, whoeer
thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. )lease read it and Boin in&
)3$%
%ow that the oil company cartels and the !)+, nations hae conditioned us to think that the
cost of a litre is ,H+$) at PPp 7X2p, we need to take aggressie action to teach them that
/-"+*S control the market, not sellers. With the price of petrol going up more each day, we
consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down
is if we hit someone in the pocket by not purchasing their )etrol&
$nd we can do that WITH!-T hurting ourseles either. Here#s the idea(
.or the rest of this year Jor until the desired effect is achieedK,
4!%#T purchase $%" petrol from the two biggest oil companies Jwhich now are oneK, :!/I3
and /)>SH+33. If they are not selling any petrol, they will Euickly reduce their prices. If they
reduce their prices, the other companies will hae to follow suit.
/ut to hae an impact, we need to reach literally :I33I!%S of :obil and /)>Shell petrol
buyers. It#s really simple to do&& %ow, don#t wimp out at this point...keep reading and we will
e'plain how simple it is to reach millions of people&& We are sending this note to a lot of people.
If each of you sent it to at least ten more, then M2 ' 12 Y M22... and those M22 send it to at least
ten more JM22 ' 12 Y M,222K ... and so on, by the time the message reaches only the si'th
generation of people, we will hae reached oer TH*++ :I33I!% consumers& If those three
million get e'cited and pass this on to ten friends each, then M2 million people will hae been
contacted& If it goes one leel further, yes 7 you#re right... .. TH*++ H-%4*+4 :I33I!%
)+!)3+&&&
$gain, all you hae to do is send this to a minimum of 12 people. That#s all Jand %!T buy your
petrol at :!/I3>/)>SH+33K. How long will all this take? 7 if eeryone sends this email out to
ten more people within one day of receipt, all M22 :I33I!% people could conceiably be
contacted within the ne't X days&&& We will bet you didn#t think you had that much potential, did
you& $cting together we ,$% 4+.I%IT+3" make a difference. If this makes sense to you
please, please pass this message on %!W.
)3+$S+ H!34 !-T -%TI3 TH+I* )*I,+S C! /+3!W SHS. HH>Y $ 3IT*+. JThey would
still make a healthy profit at these pricesK.
It#s easy to make this happen. Dust forward this email, and buy your petrol at ,alte', Total etc.7
i.e. boycott /)>Shell and :obil.
How about this one?
-nion +uropQenne.
3e prQsident de la sQance, un /elge, met la motion au' oi'. $u premier tour du ote, une dame
s=abstient. )areillement au 8Tme tour. $u troisiTme tour, le prQsident ne daigne mUme pas donner
R :adame la possibilitQ de oter.
:adame s=insurge.
3e prQsident s=Qtonne(
@ :ais :adame, Be ous ai sautQ la premiTre fois, Be ous ai sautQ la deu'iTme fois et cette fois7
ci ous ne oule9 pas Eue Be ous saute&A
3es francophones Qclatent de rire alors Eue les anglphones restent perple'e, les interprTtes ayant
traduit correctement( I skipped you.
$ new priest at his first mass was so nerous he could hardly speak.
$fter mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nerous on the pulpit, I put a glass of odka ne't to the water
glass. If I start to get nerous, I take a sip."
So ne't Sunday he took the monsignor#s adice. $t the beginning of the sermon, he got nerous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
-pon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door(
1. Sip the Fodka, don#t gulp.
8. There are 12 commandments, not 18.
M. There are 18 disciples, not 12.
I. Desus was consecrated, not constipated.
H. Dacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
N. We do not refer to Desus ,hrist as the late D. ,.
P. The .ather, Son, and Holy Chost are not referred to as 4addy, Dunior and the Spook.
X. 4aid slew Coliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
O. When 4aid was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don#t say he was stoned off his
ass.
12. We do not refer to the cross as the "/ig T."
11. When Desus broke the bread at the 3ast Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my
body." He did not say "+at me"
18. The Firgin :ary is not called ":ary with the ,herry,"
1M. The recommended grace before a meal is not(
*ub7$74ub74ub thanks for the grub, yeah Cod.
1I. %e't Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. )eter#s, not a peter pulling contest at
St. Taffy#s.
$s I grow in age, I alue women who are oer I2 most of all. Here
are Bust a few reasons why(
$ woman oer I2 will neer wake you in the middle of the night to
ask, What are you thinking?" She doesn#t care what you think.
If a woman oer I2 doesn#t want to watch the game, she doesn#t sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. $nd
it#s usually something more interesting.
$ woman oer I2 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she
is,what she is, what she wants and from whom. .ew women past the
age of I2 gie a damn what you might think about her or what she#s
doing.
Women oer I2 are dignified. They seldom hae a screaming match
with you at the opera or in the middle of an e'pensie restaurant.
!f course, if you desere it, they won#t hesitate to shoot you if
they think they can get away with it...
!lder women are generous with praise, often undesered. They know
what it#s like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. "ou neer hae to confess your sins
to a woman oer I2. They always know.
$ woman oer I2 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is
not true of younger women or drag Eueens.
!nce you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman oer I2 is far se'ier
than her younger counterpart.
!lder women are forthright and honest. They#ll tell you right off
you are a Berk if you are acting like one. "ou don#t eer hae to
wonder where you stand with her....
"es, we praise women oer I2 for a multitude of reasons.
-nfortunately, it#s not always reciprocal. .or eery stunning,
smart, well7coiffed, hot woman of I2[, there is a bald, paunchy
relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 887year7
old waitress.
3adies, I apologi9e for all of us.
$ndy *ooney
$ young married couple lied in a cheap housing comple'.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper7thin and that
they had no priacy. This was painfully obious when one morning
the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the
telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet
her neighbor.
"Cie this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet
paper into her hands. "He#s been yelling for it for 1H minutes&"
The old ,hief finally retired from the %ay and got that chicken
ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot.
.irst morning at 2I(M2, the parrot sEuawked and said, "!ff yer
hocks and don yer socks. *eeille"
The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer in the %ay. Co
back to sleep." The ne't morning, the parrot did the same thing.
The old ,hief told the parrot, "3ook, if you keep this up, I will
put you out in the chicken pen."
$gain the parrot did it, and true to his word, the ,hief put the
parrot in the chicken pen. $bout 2N(M2, the ,hief was awakened by
one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what
was the matter.
The parrot had about I2 white chickens in formation and on the
ground lay M bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was
saying, "/y Cod, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don#t mean
5hakis&"
/$33! :. )rosper
*eprQsentant commercial
2H /)( 1XHN ,otonou
+7mail megnonglodyahoo.fr
CS: 2288O O2 XP NP
*Qp 7 /Qnin J $friEue de l#!uest K .

,her :onsieur ,

De iens par le prQsent message ous soumettre une opporunitQ d#affaire pour laEuelle Be
recherche actriement un partenaire sQrieu' Eui doit rester dans la stricte confidentielitQ .
+n effet , B#ai aidQ la fille de :onsieur CQnQral CuQi , tuQ en ,fte d#Ioire en Septembre
dernier Eui rQside actuellement R ,otonou . :on amie , madame /rigitte CuQi dQtient une
somme de ( 88.222.222 :illions dollars -0 Eu#elle dQsirait transfQrer sur compte R l#Qtranger
pour les inestissements dans de diffQrents proBets de otre choi' .
$ec mon dynamisme nous aons pu transporter la caisse contenant les fonds par la oie
maritime de la ,fte d#Ioire puis dQposQ dans une compagnie de sQcuritQ R ,otonou R laEuelle
nous aons dQclarQ Eu#R l#intQrieur de cette caisse se trouent des documents prQcieu' .
,eci Qtant , la stricte confidence de cette opporunitQ nous oblige R faire recours R ous Eui
saure9 mieu' apprQcier la prQsente opportunitQ dans la mesure oh (
$7 82k ous reient de droit .
/7 PHk pour le propriQtaire des fonds et moi7mUme.
,7 Hk seront destinQs au' diers J y compris les frais de os dQplacementsK
3es trois points ci7dessus citQs seront respectQs au u du contrat Eui sera signQ entre nous dTs
otre arriQe R ,otonou .
+n espQrant une rQaction de otre part , recee9 cher :onsieur mes sincTres et meilleures
salutations .

%/( *Qponde9 par mail ou par mon tQlQphone .
TrTs confidentiel .


/allo :. )rosper .
\.rom( "CITH!ITH!, $ndrew"
\*eply7To( "CITH!ITH!, $ndrew"
\To( $imQe J+7mailK , "/arbara J+7mailK" , "/eatrice Citaka J+7mailK" , "/iBou J+7mailK" ,
"consolata wambui J+7mailK" , "4ennis :ucheru J+7mailK" , "+dmund Duma J+7mailK" , "+dward
5imotho J+7mailK" , "+li9abeth :urage J+7mailK" , "+sther J+7mailK" , "eunice muturi J+7mailK" ,
"+a Shiraku J+7mailK" , "eelyn mathara J+7mailK" , ".laia J+7mailK" , "irene kioko J+7mailK" ,
"5indel 3udeki J+7mailK" , "3arry $sego J+7mailK" , "3inda J+7mailK" , ":agdaline :usyoka J+7
mailK" , ":ichel 5irumba J+7mailK" , ":uratha J+7mailK" , "%ancy %Beri J+7mailK" , "*ose
wambui J+7mailK" , "Shadrack care J+7mailK" , "Sheila :utembei J+7mailK" , "Firginie %oyal J+7
mailK"
\SubBect( +ssaiyons&&
\4ate( Thu, 11 Sep 822M 2M(2H(HH 72I22
\
\)endant Eue ous Utes assis R otre bureau, lee9 otre Bambe droite et
\forme9 des cercles en tournant dans le sens des aiguilles d#une montre.
\+nsuite, pendant Eue ous faites cela, dessine9 le chiffre "N" dans les
\airs, aec otre main droite.
\Fotre pied a changer de direction&
\,#est con, mais c#est rai&
\
\$ndrQ&
\Cood morning...hae you done the 8 most important things when you woke
\up 8day?
\1K)ray,so that u may lie
\8KTake a bath7so that others may lie too&
$ little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lie on a farm,
\his mother asks if he had done his chores.
\"%ot yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can#t
\hae any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he#s a little ticked
\off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to
\feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he
\kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gies him a
\bowl of dry cereal.
\ "How come I don#t get any eggs and bacon? Why don#t I hae milk
\in my cereal?"
\ "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don#t get any
\eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don#t get
\any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
\you aren#t getting any milk."
\ Dust then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the
\pussycat as he#s walking into the kitchen.
\ The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
\"$re you going to tell him, or should I?"
\
TH+ )!SITIF+ SI4+ !. 3I.+"
\ \ 3iing on +arth is e'pensie, but it does include a free trip around the
\sun eery year.
\ \ How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you#re on.
\ \ /irthdays are good for you; the more you hae, the longer you lie.
\ \ Happiness comes through doors you didn#t een know you left open.
\ \ +er notice that the people who are late are often much Bollier than
\the people who hae to wait for them?
\ \ :ost of us go to our grae with our music still inside of us.
\ \ If Safaricom G 5encell are lowering prices eery day, how come nothing is
\free yet?
\ \ "ou may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to
\one person.
\ \ Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
\ \ 4on#t cry because it#s oer; smile because it happened.
\ \ We could learn a lot from crayons( some are sharp, some are pretty, some
\are dull, some hae weird names, and all are different colors....but they
\all e'ist ery nicely in the same bo'.
\ \ $ truly happy person is one who can enBoy the scenery on a detour.
\ \ Hae an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks you#re great has
\thought about you today&..
\ \ "$nd that person was me.".....
\ \ With loe&&
\ 4ru&&&&
\
MessageRead it all,it is interesting.yambukai.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positiely took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

!he farmer simply replied, "!hey"re lookin" to get married, so you came to the
right place. #ook "em oer and pick the one you want."

!he man dated the first daughter.
!he next day the farmer asked for the man"s opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she"s $ust a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon%toed."

!he farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls& so the man went out with the second daughter.

!he next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she"s $ust a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross%eyed."

!he farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

!he next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She"s perfect, $ust perfect. She"s the one ' want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man isited the nursery he was horrified( the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. )e
rushed to his father%in%law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was $ust a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
'f this brightened your day, don"t let it stop here *ass it on to
your friends. +eauty #ies in the )eart and not in #ooks.......... +ut Seldom *eople
understand this
!uring class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks a student,
$"ichael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom$
$/ust a minute, I have to go pee.$
,eacherD $,hat would be rude and impolite.$
$(hat about you, 0eter, how would you say it$
0eterD $I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back.$
,eacherD $,hat's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
'bathroom' at the dinner table.$
$2nd you, Little /ohnny, are you able to use your intelligence for
1nce and show us your good manners$
/ohnnyD $-es. I would say, '!arling, may I please be e&cused for a moment
I *ave to go and shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
you'll get to meet after supper.$
,he teacher fainted.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the
body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate
oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I
process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the
body wherever it ! n eeds to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the
body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And
insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the
stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the
blood as toxic. !hey all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge
If you don't send this to at least " people....
who gives a #hit
-----> > > IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
ce.
> > > !" #OR$... you spend the majorityof your time in a %X8 des&
> > > cu'ice.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you (et three meas a day.
> > > !" #OR$...you ony (et a 'rea& forone mea and you pay for it.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you (et time off for (ood 'eha)iour
> > > !" #OR$...you (et more *or& for(ood 'eha)iour.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON..the (uard oc&s and unoc&s a the doors for you.
> > > !" #OR$...you must carry around asecurity card and open a the
> > > doors for yoursef.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you can *atch "+ and pay (ames.
> > > !" #OR$...you (et fired for*atchin( "+ and payin( (ames.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you (et your o*n toiet.
> > > !" #OR$...you ha)e to share *ithsome idiot *ho pees on the seat.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...they ao* your famiy and friends to )isit
> > > !" #OR$...you can,t e)en spea& toyour famiy on the phone.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...the ta-payers pay a e-penses *ith no *or& re.uired.
> > > !" #OR$...you (et to pay a thee-penses to (o to *or& and then
> > > they deduct ta-es from your saary to pay for prisoners.
> > >
> > > IN PRISON...you must dea *ith sadistic *ardens.
> > > !" #OR$...they are caedmana(ers.
> > >
> > > /a)e a 0reat 1ay at #OR$ - I,m(oin( to PRISON222
Luestion( What is the truest definition of Clobali9ation?

$nswer( )rincess 4iana#s death.
Luestion( How come?
$nswer( $n +nglish princess
with an +gyptian boyfriend
crashes in a .rench tunnel,
driing a Cerman car
with a 4utch engine,
drien by a /elgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
followed closely by Italian )apara99i,
on Dapanese motorcycles;
treated by an $merican doctor,
using /ra9ilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an $frican ,
using /ill Cates #s technology,
and you#re probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a 5orean monitor,
assembled by /angladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by )akistan lorry7driers,
hiBacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by :e'ican illegals.....
That, my friend, is Clobali9ation &&&&
.inally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it#s pretty good.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. %ow here are the rules from the male side.
These are the rules&
J)lease note... these are all numbered "1" !% )-*)!S+&K
1. 3earn to work the toilet seat. "ou#re a big girl. If it#s up, put it down.. We need it up, you need
it down.
"ou don#t hear us complaining about you leaing it down.
1. Sunday Y sports. It#s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 3et it be.
1. Shopping is %!T a sport. $nd no, we are neer going to think of it that way.
1. ,rying is blackmail.
1. $sk for what you want. 3et us be clear on this one( Subtle hints do not work& Strong hints do
not work&
!bious hints do not work& Dust say it&
1. "es and %o are perfectly acceptable answers to almost eery Euestion.
1. ,ome to us with a problem only if you want help soling it. That#s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. $ headache that lasts for 1P months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. $nything we said N months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and oid after P days.
1. If you won#t dress like the Fictoria#s Secret girls, don#t e'pect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you#re fat, you probably are. 4on#t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry,
we meant the other one.
1. "ou can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. %ot both.
If you already know best how to do it, Bust do it yourself.
1. Wheneer possible, please say whateer you hae to say during commercials.
1. ,hristopher ,olumbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. $33 men see in only 1N colours, like Windows default settings.
)each, for e'ample, is a fruit, not a colour. )umpkin is also a fruit.
We hae no idea what maue is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing#s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is Bust not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a Euestion you don#t want an answer to, e'pect an answer you don#t want to hear.
1. When we hae to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... *eally.
1. 4on#t ask us what we#re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. "ou hae enough clothes.
1. "ou hae too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. *ound is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; "es, I know, I hae to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don#t mind that, it#s like camping.
)ass this to as many men as you can 7 to gie them a laugh.
)ass this to as many women as you can 7 to gie them a bigger laugh&&

3etter of recommendation


1 Phineas 1amini4 my assistant pro(rammer4 can a*ays 'e found
5 hard at *or& in his cu'ice. Phineas *or&s independenty4 *ithout
6 *astin( company time ta&in( to coea(ues. Phineas ne)er
7 thin&s t*ice a'out assistin( feo* empoyees4 and he a*ays
8 finishes (i)en assi(nments on time. Often he ta&es e-tended
% measures to compete his *or&4 sometimes s&ippin( coffee
9 'rea&s. Phineas is a dedicated indi)idua *ho has a'soutey no
8 )anity in spite of his hi(h accompishments and profound
: &no*ed(e in his fied. I firmy 'eie)e that Phineas can 'e
10 cassed as a hi(h-cai're empoyee4 the type that cannot 'e
11 dispensed *ith. ;onse.uenty4 I truy recommend that Phineas 'e
15 promoted to e-ecuti)e mana(ement4 and a proposa *i 'e
16 e-ecuted as soon as possi'e.

!ddendum
"he idiot *as standin( o)er my shouder *hie I *rote this report.
$indy re-read ony the odd num'ered ines
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
%emember this

,*# !1'G#-
1ne day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. ,he animal cried piteously for
hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. <inally, he decided the animal
was old, and the well needed to be covered up anywayD it just wasn't worth it to
retrieve the donkey.
*e invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. ,hey all grabbed a shovel
and began to shovel dirt into the well. 2t first, the donkey realiHed what was
happening and cried horribly. ,hen, to everyone's amaHement he .uieted down.
2 few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. *e was astonished
at what he saw. (ith each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
something amaHing. *e would shake it off and take a step up.
2s the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would
shake it off and take a step up. 0retty soon,
everyone was amaHed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily
trotted off+
"1%2L 6
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. ,he trick to getting out of
the well is to shake it off and take a step up. #ach of our troubles is a
steppingstone. (e can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up+ Shake it off and take a step up.
%emember the five simple rules to be happy6
9. <ree your heart from hatred 5 <orgive.
?. <ree your mind from worries 5 "ost never happen.
=. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Bive more.
7. #&pect less
-ou have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else
to spread the fun. I know what I did++


%ead Slowly...
*ave you ever wondered which hurts the most
Saying something and wishing you hadn't
or
Saying nothing and wishing you had
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
!on't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might
break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
*ave u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so
afraid of losing what you already had with that person
-our heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
-ou can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own.... when you least suspect it, or even when you
don't want it to.
*ave you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had,
but that other perso n was too afraid to let you
,oo many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even
at all.
*ave you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear
of rejection was too hard to handle
We tell lies when we are afraid...
afraid of what we don't know,
afraid of what others will think,
afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it re.uires you to jump.
4on#t be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done,
or could have had.
I(hat would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good5bye
I(hat would you do if every time you wanted someone they would
never be there
I(hat would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you
never got to tell them how you felt
Jeven if it is that you don't care anymoreK
I(hat would you do if you loved someone
more than ever and you couldn't have them
I(hat would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends
with all of my family and they know I love them
People live, but people die.
2nd I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow JBod <orbidK, you wou ld be in my heart.
(ould I be in yours
If you care about me as
much as I care about you, you will send this back.
(e might be best friends one year,
pretty good friends the ne&t year,
don't talk that often the ne&t,
and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say,
even if I never talk to you again in my life,
you are special to me and
you have made a difference in my life,
I look up to you,
respect you, and
truly cherish you.
Send this to all your friends,
no matter how often you talk,
or how close you are,
and send it to the person who sent it to you.
Let old friends know you
haven't forgotten them,
and tell new friends you
never will.
%emember, every one needs a friend,
someday you might feel like you have
NO FR!N"# at all,
just remember this e5mail
and take comfort in knowing
somebody out there cares about you
and always will.
I LOVE YOU!!!!
Send this to all the friends that you have...all the
friends that you've lost...and to all the friends
you've lost touch with...just to let them
know that you care...send this back to the person
who sent it to you if
you consider them a friend as well.
$ man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to
send them on the same cruise, then later Euestion each one on the other#s behaior. When his
wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about
the specific behaior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She slept with nearly eery man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then arranged a meeting with his cheating mistress to ask her the same
Euestions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and neer left his side."
In the hospital the relaties gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay graely ill. .inally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber. "I#m afraid I#m the bearer of bad news," he said as he sureyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loed one at this time is a brain transplant.
It#s an e'perimental procedure, ery risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will coer the procedure, but you will hae to pay for the brain
yourseles."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. $fter a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The
doctor Euickly responded, " *H,222 for a male brain, and *822 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. :en in the room tried not to smile, aoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. $ man unable to control
his curiosity, blurted out the Euestion eeryone wanted to ask, "Why is the
male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and e'plained to the entire
group, "It#s Bust standard pricing procedure. We hae to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they#e actually been used, the male brains
are hardly eer used by the owners. so they are as good as new"
S+%4 THIS T! $ S:$*T W!:$% WH! %++4S $ 3$-CH $%4 T! TH+ :+% "!-
THI%5 ,$%
H$%43+ IT

\ :y husband gae me ery good e'cuses for me to look for someone to
\ satisfy my needs. He had an affair and apologised. He repented for a
\ while, then started again, this time more discreetly.
\
\ I used to hae endless migrane, depression and was on the brink of
\ madness. /ut he neer seemed to care.
\
\ %daka9ama 9ese 9andingagone for the marriage to work, but to no aail.
\ 5umbonamata, kuge9a kaI pa9ua etc. ,haaishora ndakachishaya. I am an
\ attractie professional woman with a good Bob, good salary. I gae him 1
\ girl and twin boys. Wat more does he want? a woman who bears him Euads?
\
\ :anBe %! %4$5$*$:/$, $: STI33 F+*" "!-%C.
\ $ mature lady in her I2#s whom i told the problem was surprised i did
\ not hae a boyfriend. she said these days, few satisfied married women
\ are faithful.# Fese aunoona aa anonyengwa kuside ane anon9i ma "pain
\ ease".:eaning the e'tra boyfriend to talk to and cry to and get se' from
\ . /ut ia nehana# Women are more subtle and successful in their
\ e'tramarital affairs.
\
\ She gae me one *-3+; 5++) "!-* :$%. If you leae him you may find a
\ worse deil. :an shag other women at one point or another in their lies
\
\ TH$TS +a$,T3" WH$T I 4I4. i found me a guy who satisfies my physical
\ needs. he is also married so fair game.+nde boyfriend munongo9iyawo
\ manyawi inoba yaita se' yesoto chaiyo ,ende he takes me to places that
\ I Bust neer thought e'isted.He sends the sweetest of messages and we
\ can be on the fone for hours while my husband is out doing his thing.
\ $ll of a sudden I think he is much smarter than my husband, way much
\ smarter. The husband takes care of the finance, #security# and
\ occassional se' etc. Surprisingly, its working. i dont whinge to hubby
\ anymore, i dont stalk his eery moement, because i am also a busy
\ woman.
\ Farume anoda pambokwirwa nemumwe. recipe iyi inoshanda manBe. Hubby
\ actually said i am now a mature woman. :$T-*+ indeed&

:en loe to hae wies who let them be and who neer ask Euestions. What
men don#t know is that the moment a woman stops asking she has merely
stopped caring. +ither her attention is on someone else or she is
working on plan /.

$ newly married girl said she admires our marriage, she said #"ou two
loe each other# and i told her for a marriage to work, #IT takes TW!.#

Tit for tat. newton#s third law of motion; ".or eery action, there is
an eEual and opposite reaction."
"Teacher," announced little Doey, "there#s somethin# I can#t figger out."
"What#s that Doey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.
"Well accordin# to the /ible, the ,hildren of Israel crossed the *ed Sea,
right?"
"*ight."
"$n# the ,hildren of Israel beat up the )hilistines, right?"
"+r... right."
"$n# the ,hildren of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"$gain you#re right."
"$n# the ,hildren of Israel fought the #gyptians, an# the ,hildren of
\ \Israel fought the *omans, an# the ,hildren of Israel wu9 always doin#
somethin# important, right?"
\ \
"$ll that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what#s your Euestion?"
\
What I wanna know is this," demanded Doey. "What wu9 all the grown7ups
doin#?"
<OU NOW <OU ARE LIBIN3 IN DEE9 ,#en---
1. "ou accidentally enter your password on the microwae.
8. "ou haen#t played solitaire with real cards in years.
M. "ou hae a list of 1H phone numbers to reach your family of three.
I. "ou e7mail the person who works at the desk ne't to you.
H. "our reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don#t hae e7mail
addresses.
N. "ou pull up in your own drieway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help
you carry in the groceries.
P. +ery commercial on teleision has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
X. 3eaing the house without your cell phone, which you didn#t hae the first 82 or M2 Jor N2K
years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
12. "ou get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. "ou start tilting your head sideways to smile.
18. "ou#re reading this and nodding and laughing.
1M. +en worse, you know e'actly to whom you are going to forward this message.
1I. "ou are too busy to notice there was no bO on this list.
1H. "ou actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn#t a bO on this list
AND NOW <OU ARE LAU3HIN3 at yourself.
Co on, forward this to your friends & I know you want to.



$ little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,
"Where#s :om and 4ad?" $nd she replied, "They#re up in bed." The little boy
started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came
back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where#s :om and 4ad?" $nd she
replied,"They#re still up in bed." $gain the little boy started to giggle
and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma,
"Where#s :om and 4ad?" $nd his grandmother replied, "They#re still up in
bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What
gies? +ery time I tell you they#re still up in bed you start to laugh&
What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night 4addy came into my bedroom and
asked me for the Faseline and I gae him super glue&" He must hae got
himself stuck somewhere in his room. Crandma fainted.
$ F+*" C!!4 +a$:)3+ !. :IS,!::-%I,$TI!%&
$ young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck( "4arling, I hae great news(
" I#m a month oerdue. I think we#re going to hae a baby& The doctor gae
me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can#t tell anybody."
The ne't day, a guy from the electric company rings the door7bell, because
the young couple hasn#t paid their last bill(
"$re you :rs. Smith? "ou#re a month oerdue, you know&"
"How do "!- know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma#am, & it#s in our files&" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It#s in your files?????"
"$bsolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the isit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the ne't
morning.
"What#s going on here? "ou hae it on file that my wife is a month
oerdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Dust calm down," says the clerk, "it#s nothing serious. $ll you hae to
do is pay us."
")$" you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we#d hae no option but to cut yours off."
T#is is su**osedly a true story (ro" t#e Word Cer(e+t #el* line-
Needless to say t#e #el* desk e"*loyee ,as (ired; #o,e.er' t#e *erson is
+urrently suing t#e WordCer(e+t organiFation (or 1ter"ination ,it#out
+ause1-
T#is is (ro" t#e ta*ed +on.ersation leading u* to dis"issal %
\ "Word )erfect Technical 4esk, may I help you?"
\ ""es, well, I#m haing trouble with Word )erfect."
\ "What sort of trouble?"
\ "Well, I was Bust typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
\ "Went away?"
\ "They disappeared."
\ "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
\ "%othing."
\ "%othing?"
\ "It#s blank; it won#t accept anything when I type."
\ "$re you still in Word )erfect, or did you get out?"
\ "How do I tell?"
\ ",an you see the ,( prompt on the screen?"
\ "What#s a sea7prompt?"
\ "%eer mind. ,an you moe the cursor around on the screen?"
\ "There isn#t any cursor( I told you, it won#t accept anything I type&"
\ "4oes your monitor hae a power indicator?"
\ "What#s a monitor?"
\ "It#s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TF.
\ "4oes it hae a little light that tells you when it#s on?"
\ "I don#t know."
\ "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord
\ goes into it. ,an you see that?"
\ ""es, I think so."
\ "Creat. .ollow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it#s plugged into the wall."
\ "......."es, it is."
\ "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not Bust one?"
\ "%o."
\ "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
\ "!kay, here it is."
\ ".ollow it for me,and tell me if it#s plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
\ "I can#t reach."
\ "-h huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
\ "%o."
\ "+en if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way oer?"
\ "!h, it#s not because I don#t hae the right angle7it#s because it#s dark."
\ "4ark?"
\ ""es7the office light is off, and the only light I hae is coming in from the
window."
\ "Well, turn on the office light then."
\ "I can#t."
\ "%o? Why not?"
\ "/ecause there#s a power outage."
\ "$ power............ $ power outage? $ha, !kay, we#e got it licked now.
\ "4o you still hae the bo'es and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
\ "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
\ "Cood. Co get them, and unplug your system and pack it up Bust like it was
\ when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
\ "*eally? Is it that bad?"
\ ""es, I#m afraid it is."
\ "Well, ......all right then, .......I suppose. What do I tell them?"
\ "Tell them you#re too stupid to own a computer."
"Luestions"
1. $ murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between
three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full
of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haen#t eaten in M years. Which room is safest for him?
8. $ woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
oer H minutes. .inally, she hangs him. /ut H minutes later they
both go out together and enBoy a wonderful dinner together. How
can this be?
M. There are two plastic Bugs filled with water. How could you put
all of this water into a barrel, without using the Bugs or any
diiders, and still tell which water came from which Bug?
I. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray
when you throw it away?
H. ,an you name three consecutie days without using the words
:onday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, .riday, Saturday, or Sunday?
N. This is an unusual paragraph. I#m curious how Euickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would
think nothing was wrong with it& In fact, nothing is wrong with
it& It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. /ut if you work at it a bit, you
might find out& Try to do so without any coaching&
*+$4" .!* TH+ $%SW+*S?
1. The third. 3ions that haen#t eaten in three years are dead.
8. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her
husband, deeloped it, and hung it up to dry.
M. .ree9e them first. Take them out of the Bugs and put the ice in
the barrel. "ou will be able to tell which water came from which
Bug.
I. The answer is ,harcoal. In Homer Simpson#s
words( "hmmmm.../arbecue.
"
H. Sure you can( "esterday, Today, and Tomorrow&
N. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the +nglish
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph
"$nd what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don#t know. I guess she#d hae to use a candle."
We won#t tell. Cet more on shows you hate to loe
Jand loe to hateK( "ahoo& TF#s Cuilty )leasures list.
3$W !. L-+-+( If you change Eueues, the one you hae left will start to moe
faster
than the one you are in now.
3$W !. T+3+)H!%+( When you dial a wrong number, you neer get an
engaged one.
3$W !. :+,H$%I,$3 *+)$I*( $fter your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will
begin to itch.
3$W !. TH+ W!*5SH!)( $ny tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
3$W !. TH+ $3I/I( If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had
a T7
Bam, the ne't morning you will hae a T Bam.
/$TH TH+!*+:( When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
3$W !. +%,!-%T+*S( The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you
are with someone you don#t want to be seen with.
3$W !. TH+ *+S-3T( When you try to proe to someone that a machine won#t
work, it
will&
3$W !. /I!:+,H$%I,S( The seerity of the itch is inersely proportional to
the reach.
TH+$T*+ *-3+( )eople with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrie last.
3$W !. ,!..++( $s soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will
ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
The Husband Store

$ store that sells husbands has Bust opened in %ew "ork ,ity , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. $mong the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. "ou may isit
the store !%3" !%,+&

There are si' floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, howeer, a catch . . .. you
may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down e'cept to e'it the building&
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

!n the first floor the sign on the door reads( .loor 1 7 These men
hae Bobs and loe the 3ord.

The second floor sign reads( .loor 8 7 These men hae Bobs, loe the
3ord, and loe kids.

The third floor sign reads( .loor M 7 These men hae Bobs, loe the
3ord, loe kids, and are e'tremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks,
but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads( .loor I 7 These men
hae Bob s, loe the 3ord, loe kids, are drop7 dead good looking and
help with the housework "!h, mercy me&" she e'claims, "I can hardly
stand it&"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads( .loor H 7 These
men hae Bobs, loe the 3ord, loe kids, are drop7 dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and hae a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the si'th floor and the
sign reads(

.loor N 7 "ou are isitor I,MNM,218 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor e'ists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please& Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you e'it the building, and hae a nice day&

)lease send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth&

Dack wakes up with a huge hangoer after attending his company#s
,hristmas )arty. Dack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn#t
Taste like alcohol at all. He didn#t een remember how he got home from
The party.

$s bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Dack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
Is a couple of aspirins ne't to a glass of water on the side table. $nd,
%e't to them, a single red rose&& Dack sits up and sees his clothing
In front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
,ringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
*ed with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick(
"Honey, breakfast is on the stoe, I left early to get groceries to make
"ou your faourite dinner tonight. I loe you, darling& 3oe, Dillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast,steaminghot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 1N year old son is also at the table, eating. Dack asks, "Son...what
Happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after M $.:., drunk and out of your mind "ou fell
!er the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway,andgot that black eye when you ran into the door.

,onfused, he asked his son, "So, why is eerything in such perfect order
$nd so clean?

I hae a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "!h TH$T... :om dragged you to the bedroom, and when
She tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"3eae me alone, I#m married&&"
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. $nd if you cut
down the new tree, still another will grow. $nd if you cut down that
tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
long, poisonous tentacles and reenge in its heart, and it will sit
there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
come back.
Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
when a group of caemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. !ne of the
caemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said( "Hey& Wood
heat&" The other caemen, who did not understand +nglish, immediately
beat him to death with stones. /ut the key discoery had been made,
and from that day forward, the caemen had all the heat they needed,
although their insurance rates went way up.
77 4ae /arry, ")ostpetroleum Cu99ler"
,onfession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
)eter de Fries
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural loe of learning by leaing
the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
that you shall learn what you hae no taste or capacity for. The
college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to friolous amusements to
rally their Baded spirits. I would hae the studies electie.
Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
77 *alph Waldo +merson
Si les +Glins Htaient des (euilles '
!e te donnerais un ar/re'


Si la .ie Htait une *lanIte'
!e te donnerais une gala6ie'
Si l2 a"itiH Htait une .ie'
!e te donnerais la "ienne-

+2 est la se"aine des "eilleur?e@s a"i?es@
En.oies +e "essage J +eu6 :ue tu +onsidIres +o""e des a"is'
A "oi aussi si j2 en (ais *artie'
S 2il te re.iens *lus de trois (ois'
Tu es :uel:u2un d2 adora/le-
ST*+SS
I am not sure e'actly how it works, but this is ama9ingly accurate. *ead the full description
before looking at the picture.
The picture below has 8 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress leels at St.
:ary#s Hospital.
3ook at both dolphins Bumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. $ closely monitored,
scientific study reealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under
stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between
the dolphins, the more stress that person is e'periencing.
3ook at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a
acation.
No Need to Re*ly' I2ll /e in Mo"/asa on Ba+ation
Ne.er take li(e too seriously- No/ody gets out ali.e any,ay-
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, mothers!!!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Si' married men will be dropped on an island with one car and M kids each for
si) #eeks.
+ach kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
+ach man must take care of his M kids; keep his assigned house clean , correct all
homework, and complete science proBects , cook, do laundry, and pay a list of
#pretend# bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man #ill ha*e to budget in money for groceries each #eek.
+ach man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relaties, and send
cards out on time++no emailing.
+ach man must also take each child to a doctor#s appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconenient isit per child to the ,rgent
-are.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
+ach man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting
flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only ha*e access to tele*ision #hen the kids are asleep and all chores
are done .
The men must shae their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with Bewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows
groomed.
4uring one of the si) #eeks, the men will hae to endure seere abdominal cramps,
back aches, and hae e'treme, une'plained mood swings but neer once complain
or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to
spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed
them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by P(22 am.
$ test will be gien at the end of the si' weeks, and each father will be reEuired to
know all of the following information( each child#s birthday, height, weight, shoe
si9e, clothes si9e and doctor#s name. $lso the child#s weight at birth, length, time
of birth, and length of labor, each child#s faorite color, middle name, faorite
snack, faorite song, faorite drink, faorite toy, biggest fear and what they want
to be when they grow up.
The kids ote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only
if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment#s notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game oer and oer and oer again for the
ne't 1X78H years eentually earning the right to be called :other&
&fter you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think #ill get a
kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it. ust don.t send it back
to me....
IsaSoares
Cirl#s 4iary FS boy#s 4iary
HER DIAR<
000000000000000000
4ay night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made plans to meet at a
cafe to hae some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, soIely thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. ,onersation wasn#t flowing so I
suggested that we go somewhere Euiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept Euiet and absent. I
asked him what was wrong 7 he said,
"%othing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me
and not to worry.
!n the way home I told him that I loed him, he simply smiled and kept driing. I can#t e'plain
his behaior; I don#t know why he didn#t say, "I loe u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He Bust sat there and watched TF.; he seemed distant and absent. .inally I decided to go to bed.
$bout 12 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don#t know what to do. I#m almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else.
:y life is gonna be a disaster.
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
HIS DIAR<
Today $rsenal lost
against :an -.
4$:%
IT.
Si"*li+ity o( Men
Bs
)o"*le6ity o( Wo"en ===
1. )eople who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal,
where the hell is yours? 4o I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

8 )eople who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.F. remote
because they refuse to walk to the T.F. and change the channel manually.
M When people say #!h you Bust want to hae your cake and eat it too#. 4amn right& What good is
cake if you can#t eat it?

I When people say #it#s always the last place you look#. !f course it is. Why the hell would you
keep
looking after you#e found it? 4o people do this? Who and where are they? Conna 5ick their
asses&
H When people say while watching a film #did you see that?#. %o 3oser, I paid 018 to come to the
cinema and stare at the damn floor.
N )eople who ask #,an I ask you a Euestion?#....
4idn#t really gie me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
P. When something is #new and improed&#. Which is it? If it#s new, then there has neer been
anything
before it. If it#s an improement, then there must hae been something before it, couldn#t be new.
X When people say #life is short#. What the hell??
3ife is the longest damn thing anyone eer does&& What can you do that#s longer?
O When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks #Has the bus come yet?#. If the bus came
would I be standing here, dumbass?
^^^ .orward this to at least H people and see what comes on
your screen, you will laugh your head off&&&&&&& This works.
I don#t6.
4onne ce te'te R ton curQ et demande7lui de prendre ces trois cribles comme thTme de son
sermon au moins trois fois par trimestre...
%,*+4I/" C!!4 $4FI,+(
3+S M )$SS!I*+S
Socrate aait, dans la CrTce antiEue, une haute opinion de
la sagesse. LuelEu#un ient un Bour trouer le grand
philosophe et lui dit (
#Sais7tu ce Eue Be iens d#apprendre sur ton ami?
7 -n instant, rQpondit Socrate. $ant Eue tu me racontes,
B#aimerais te faire passer un test,
,elui des M passoires (
7 3es M passoires?
:ais oui, reprit Socrate. $ant de me raconter toutes sortes de
choses sur les autres, il est bon de prendre le temps de filtrer ce
Eue l#on aimerait dire.
,#est ce Eue B#appelle le test des M passoires. 3a premiTre passoire est celle de la QritQ. $s7tu
QrifiQ si ce Eue tu eu' me dire est rai?
7 %on. D#en ai simplement entendu parler...
7 TrTs bien. Tu ne sais donc pas si c#est la QritQ.
+ssayons de filtrer autrement en utilisant une deu'iTme passoire, celle de la bontQ. ,e Eue tu
eu' m#apprendre sur mon ami, est7ce EuelEue chose de bon ?
7 $h non & $u contraire.
7 4onc, continua Socrate, tu eu' me raconter de :auaises choses sur lui et tu n#es mUme pas
certain si elles sont raies. Tu peu' peut7Utre encore passer le test, car il reste une passoire, celle
de l#utilitQ. +st7il utile Eue tu m#apprennes ce Eue mon ami aurait fait ?
7 %on. )as raiment.
$lors, conclut Socrate, si ce Eue tu as R me raconter n#est ni rai, ni bien, ni utile, pourEuoi
ouloir me le dire ?#
Hae a good one& Spaghetti

$ doctor was haing an affair with his Italian7born nurse. +entually, she became pregnant by
him. %ot wanting his wife to find out, he gae the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy
and hae the baby there. "/ut how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Dust send me a postcard and write #spaghetti# on the back. I#ll take care of all the
child#s e'penses."
%ot knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Si' months went by
and then one day the doctor#s wife called him at the office, "4ear, you receied a ery strange
postcard in the mail today from +urope, and I don#t understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Dust wait until I get home, and I will e'plain it to you."
3ater that eening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart
attack. )aramedics rushed him to the +*. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He
asked her what she thought might hae caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card
and read it to him( ".our Spaghettis( Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
]^S)+,I$3 )+!)3+^]
This is sent to the special people in my life. I am
sending this to you, to see how many of you actually
read your e7mail&
"our response will be interesting&
Here goes(
)eople come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know
e'actly what to do. When someone is in your life for a
*+$S!%, it is usually to meet a need you hae
e'pressed outwardly or inwardly. They hae come to
assist you through a difficulty, to proide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an
inconenient time, this person will say or do
something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a
stand. What we must reali9e is that our need has been
met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now
time to moe on.
When people come into your life for a S+$S!%, it is
because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an e'perience of peace or make you
laugh. They may teach you something you hae neer
done. They usually gie you an unbelieable amount of
Boy. /eliee it& It is real&, but, only for a season.
3I.+TI:+ relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to hae a
solid emotional foundation. "our Bob is to accept the
lesson, loe the person>people JanywayK; and put what
you hae learned to use in all other relationships and
areas of your life.
It is said that loe is blind but friendship is a
blessing. Thank you for being a part of my life. Smile
and stop here if you#re not into this final part( This
is to show people you loe them and to see how many
people loe you&&&&&&
4on#t feel embarrassed because only you will get the
results. Send it to eery friend that you hae online,
including the person who sent it to you.
2 *eplies Y you may need to work on your "people skills"
8 *eplies Y you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing..
I *eplies Y you hae picked your friends well
N *eplies Y you are downright popular
X *eplies or :ore Y you are totally awesome Jand probably why you#re on :" list&K
I:)!*T$%T %!TI,+
The :aker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year,
due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a
willful malfunction in the original prototype units code named $dam and +e, resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subseEuent units.
This defect has been technically termed, "Sub7seEuential Internal %on7morality," or more
commonly known as SI%, as it is primarily e'pressed.
Some other symptoms(
_a` 3oss of direction
_b` .oul ocal emissions
_c` $mnesia of origin
_d` 3ack of peace and Boy
_e` Selfish, or iolent behaiour
_f` 4epression or confusion in the mental component
_g` .earfulness
_h` Idolatry
_i` *ebellion
The :anufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is proiding factory
authorised repair and serice free of charge to correct this SI% defect.
The *epair Technician, Desus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the
staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee reEuired.
The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is( )7*7$7"7+7*. !nce connected, please
upload your burden of SI% through the *+)+%T$%,+ procedure. %e't, download
$T!%+:+%T from the *epair Technician, Desus, into the heart component. %o matter how big
or small the SI% defect is, Desus will replace it with(
_a` 3oe
_b` Doy
_c` )eace
_d` )atience
_e` 5indness
_f` Coodness
_g` .aithfulness
_h` Centleness
_i` Self7control
)lease see the operating manual, H!3" /I/3+, for further details on the use of these fi'es. $s
an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made aailable to all repaired units a facility enabling
direct monitoring and assistance from a resident :aintenance Technician, the Holy Chost.
*epaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the
premises&
W$*%I%C( ,ontinuing to operate the human being unit without correction oids the
:anufacturer#s warranty, e'posing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will
result in the human unit being permanently impounded.
.or free emergency serice, call on D+S-S.
4$%C+*( The human being units not responding to this recall action will hae to be scrapped
in the furnace. The SI% defect will not be permitted to enter Heaen so as to preent
contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention. )lease assist where possible by
notifying others of this important recall notice.
!ne day a farmer#s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
.inally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be coered up anyway;
it Bust wasn#t worth it to retriee the donkey.
He inited all his neighbors to come oer and help him.
They all grabbed a shoel and began to shoel dirt into the well.
$t first, the donkey reali9ed what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to eeryone#s ama9ement he Euieted down.
$ few shoel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
!ne day a farmer#s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
.inally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be coered up anyway;
it Bust wasn#t worth it to retriee the donkey.
He inited all his neighbors to come oer and help him.
They all grabbed a shoel and began to shoel dirt
!ne day a farmer#s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
.inally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be coered up anyway;
it Bust wasn#t worth it to retriee the donkey.
He inited all his neighbors to come oer and help him.
They all grabbed a shoel and began to shoel dirt into the well.
$t first, the donkey reali9ed what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to eeryone#s ama9ement he Euieted down.
$ few shoel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shoel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something ama9ing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
$s the farmer#s neighbors continued to shoel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
)retty soon, eeryone was ama9ed as the donkey
stepped up oer the edge of the well and happily trotted off&
:!*$3 (
3ife is going to shoel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
+ach of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells Bust by not stopping, neer giing up&
Shake it off and take a step up.
*emember the fie simple rules to be happy(
1. .ree your heart from hatred 7 .orgie.
8. .ree your mind from worries 7 :ost neer happens.
M. 3ie simply and appreciate what you hae.
I. Cie more.
H. +'pect less from people but more from Cod.

"ou hae two choices...smile and close this page,
or pass this along to someone else to share the lesson
....... I did&&
C!4 /3+SS "!-....&
Manage"ent )ourse

L esson K%
A "an is getting into t#e s#o,er just as #is ,i(e is (inis#ing u* #er s#o,er' ,#en t#e
door/ell rings-
T#e ,i(e :ui+kly ,ra*s #ersel( in a to,el and runs do,nstairs-
W#en s#e o*ens t#e door' t#ere stands Bo/' t#e ne6t0door neig#/or
Be(ore s#e says a ,ord' Bo/ says' 2I2ll gi.e you LMEE to dro* t#at to,el-2
A(ter t#inking (or a "o"ent' t#e ,o"an dro*s #er to,el an d stands naked in (ront o(
Bo/' a(ter a (e, se+onds' Bo/ #ands #er LMEE and lea.es-
T#e ,o"an ,ra*s /a+k u* in t#e to,el and goes /a+k u*stairs-
W#en s#e gets to t#e /at#roo"' #er #us/and asks' 2W#o ,as t#at82
2It ,as Bo/ t#e ne6t door neig#/or s#e re*lies-
23reat'2 t#e #us/and says' 2did #e say anyt#ing a/out t#e LMEE #e o,es "e82
Moral o( t#e story%
If you share ri!ia" i#for$a!io# %er!ai#i#g !o re&i! a#& ris' wi!h your shareho"&ers i# !i$e(
you $ay )e i# a %osi!io# !o %re*e#! a*oi&a)"e e+%osure,
Lesson D%
A *riest o((ered a Nun a li(t-
S#e got in and +rossed #er legs' (or+ing #er go,n to re.eal a leg-
T#e *riest nearly #ad an a++ident-
A(ter +ontrolling t#e +ar' #e stealt#ily slid #is #and u* #er leg-
T#e nun said' 27at#er' re"e"/er Csal" KDN82
T#e *riest re"o.ed #is #and- But' +#anging gears' #e let #is #and slide u* #er leg again-
T#e nun on+e again said' 27at#er' re"e"/er Csal" KDN82
T#e *riest a*ologiFed 2Sorry sister /ut t#e (les# is ,eak-2
Arri.ing at t#e +on.ent' t#e nun sig#ed #ea.ily
and ,ent on #er ,ay-
On #is arri.al at t#e +#ur+#' t#e *riest rus#ed to look u* Csal" KDN- It said' 23o (ort# and
seek' (urt#er u*' you ,ill (ind glory-2
Moral o( t#e story%
If you are #o! we"" i#for$e& i# your -o)( you $igh! $iss a grea! o%%or!u#i!y,
Lesson &%
A sales re*' an ad"inistration +lerk' and t#e "anager are ,alking to lun+# ,#en t#ey
(ind an anti:ue oil la"*-
T#ey ru/ it and a 3enie +o"es out-
T#e 3enie says' 2I2ll gi.e ea+# o( you just one ,is#-2
2Me (irst= Me (irst=2 says t#e ad"in +lerk- 2I ,ant to /e in t#e Ba#a"as ' dri.ing a
s*eed/oat' ,it#out a +are in t#e ,orld-2
Cu((= S#e2s gone-
2Me ne6t= Me ne6t=2 says t#e sales re*- 2I ,ant to /e in Ha,aii ' rela6ing on t#e /ea+# ,it#
"y *ersonal "asseuse' an endless su**ly o( Cina )oladas and t#e lo.e o( "y li(e-2
Cu((= He2s gone-
2O' you2re u*'2 t#e 3enie says to t#e "anager-
T#e "anager says' 2I ,ant t#ose t,o /a+k in t#e o((i+e a(ter
lun+#-2
Moral o( t#e story%
A"ways "e! your )oss ha*e !he firs! say,
Lesson O
An eagle ,as sitting on a tree resting' doing not#ing-
A s"all ra//it sa, t#e eagle and asked #i"' 2)an I also sit like you and do not#ing82
T#e eagle ans,ered% 2Sure' ,#y not-2
So' t#e ra//it sat on t#e ground /elo, t#e eagle and rested- All o( a sudden' a (o6
a**eared' ju"*ed on t#e ra//it and ate it-
Moral o( t#e story%
To )e si!!i#g a#& &oi#g #o!hi#g( you $us! )e si!!i#g *ery( *ery high u%,P ABQ
Lesson $
A turkey ,as +#atting ,it# a /ull-
2I ,ould lo.e to /e a/le to get to t#e to* o( t#at tree2 sig#ed t#e turkey' 2/ut I #a.en2t got
t#e energy-2
2Well' ,#y don2t you ni//le on so"e o( "y dro**ings82 r e*lied t#e /ull- T#ey2re *a+ked
,it# nutrients-2
T#e turkey *e+ked at a lu"* o( dung' and (ound it a+tually ga.e #i" enoug# strengt# to
rea+# t#e lo,est /ran+# o( t#e tree-
T#e ne6t day' a(ter eating so"e "ore dung' #e rea+#ed t#e se+ond /ran+#-
7inally a(ter a (ourt# nig#t' t#e turkey ,as *roudly *er+#ed at t#e to* o( t#e tree-
He ,as *ro"*tly s*otted /y a (ar"er' ,#o s#ot #i" out o( t#e tree-
Moral o( t#e story%
Bu"" Shi! $igh! ge! you !o !he !o%( )u! i! wo#.! 'ee% you !here,,
Lesson 5
A little /ird ,as (lying sout# (or t#e ,inter- It ,as so +o ld t#e /ird (roFe and (ell to t#e
ground into a large (ield-
W#ile #e ,as lying t#ere' a +o, +a"e /y and dro**ed so"e dung on #i"-
As t#e (roFen /ird lay t#ere in t#e *ile o( +o, dung' #e /egan to realiFe #o, ,ar" #e ,as-
T#e dung ,as a+tually t#a,ing #i" out=
He lay t#ere all ,ar" and #a**y' and soon /egan to sing (or joy-
A *assing +at #eard t#e /ird singing and +a"e to in.estigate-
7ollo,ing t#e sound' t#e +at dis+o.ered t#e /ird under t#e *ile o( +o, dung' and *ro"*tly
dug #i" out and ate #i"-
Morals o( t#e story%
/01 No! e*eryo#e who shi!s o# you is your e#e$y,
/21 No! e*eryo#e who ge!s you ou! of shi! is your
frie#&,
/31 A#& whe# you.re i# &ee% shi!( i!.s )es! !o 'ee%
your $ou!h shu!4
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANA5EMENT 6OURSE
Send t#is to at least (i.e /rig#t' (unny *eo*le you kno, and "ake t#eir day=
Hi, imagine you were the H* manager of this company and this application was dropped on your
desk????


!OB ACCLI)ATION

I am apply to my Bob of security guard to you boss in you company of Shoprite. I complete to
Crade X e'amination certificate in 1OOP.
I am 8P ears to be /orn of age and no mallied and no childish.
:y father is dead long time ago and my mother mary in Zaire country there 12 years now, no
see she so nobody known to help me.
:y certificate is Bust sitting home for itself, but passes in :athematics, Ceography, Science and
all subBects but fail in +nglish because of %yanBa teacher, :r )hiri, teaching me is Belos of
myself. :e wear e'penses cloth than %goni teacher..
I here people you want security guards to you company and I tell you I $m one of that Bob
e'perience for 8 years. I shot thief dead. I want to Doin the company of you and chase criminal
out with me $5IP.
)lease consider my aplication careful and call me any time because me Hae celphone. I am red
for interiew with you. I am ery hornest and can speak
+nglish free.
)lease also greet your wife. $nd rememba that +nglish is not our mother land&&
"ours in faith
)asopa :ampara
:y picture frame I look beautiful
Caso*a Ma"*ara
DK
st
)entury----
We are /e+o"ing lesser /y t#e day
Our +o""uni+ation 0 Wireless
Our dress 0 To*less
Our tele*#one 0 )ordless
Our +ooking 0 7ireless
Our yout# 0 !o/less
Our (ood 0 7atless
Our la/our 0 E((ortless
Our +ondu+t 0 Wort#less
Our relation 0 Lo.eless
Our attitude 0 )areless
Our (eelings 0 Heartless
Our *oliti+s 0 S#a"eless
Our edu+ation 0 Balueless
Our (ollies 0 )ountless
Our argu"ents 0 Baseless
Our !o/ 0 T#ankless
Our Sa"ary 7 Very Very "ess
Our e"ails 0 useless ?es*e+ially t#is one@=
Manage"ent )ourse

L esson K%
A "an is getting into t#e s#o,er just as #is ,i(e is (inis#ing u* #er s#o,er' ,#en t#e
door/ell rings-
T#e ,i(e :ui+kly ,ra*s #ersel( in a to,el and runs do,nstairs-
W#en s#e o*ens t#e door' t#ere stands Bo/' t#e ne6t0door neig#/or
Be(ore s#e says a ,ord' Bo/ says' 2I2ll gi.e you LMEE to dro* t#at to,el-2
A(ter t#inking (or a "o"ent' t#e ,o"an dro*s #er to,el an d stands naked in (ront o(
Bo/' a(ter a (e, se+onds' Bo/ #ands #er LMEE and lea.es-
T#e ,o"an ,ra*s /a+k u* in t#e to,el and goes /a+k u*stairs-
W#en s#e gets to t#e /at#roo"' #er #us/and asks' 2W#o ,as t#at82
2It ,as Bo/ t#e ne6t door neig#/or s#e re*lies-
23reat'2 t#e #us/and says' 2did #e say anyt#ing a/out t#e LMEE #e o,es "e82
Moral o( t#e story%
If you share ri!ia" i#for$a!io# %er!ai#i#g !o re&i! a#& ris' wi!h your shareho"&ers i# !i$e(
you $ay )e i# a %osi!io# !o %re*e#! a*oi&a)"e e+%osure,
Lesson D%
A *riest o((ered a Nun a li(t-
S#e got in and +rossed #er legs' (or+ing #er go,n to re.eal a leg-
T#e *riest nearly #ad an a++ident-
A(ter +ontrolling t#e +ar' #e stealt#ily slid #is #and u* #er leg-
T#e nun said' 27at#er' re"e"/er Csal" KDN82
T#e *riest re"o.ed #is #and- But' +#anging gears' #e let #is #and slide u* #er leg again-
T#e nun on+e again said' 27at#er' re"e"/er Csal" KDN82
T#e *riest a*ologiFed 2Sorry sister /ut t#e (les# is ,eak-2
Arri.ing at t#e +on.ent' t#e nun sig#ed #ea.ily
and ,ent on #er ,ay-
On #is arri.al at t#e +#ur+#' t#e *riest rus#ed to look u* Csal" KDN- It said' 23o (ort# and
seek' (urt#er u*' you ,ill (ind glory-2
Moral o( t#e story%
If you are #o! we"" i#for$e& i# your -o)( you $igh! $iss a grea! o%%or!u#i!y,
Lesson &%
A sales re*' an ad"inistration +lerk' and t#e "anager are ,alking to lun+# ,#en t#ey
(ind an anti:ue oil la"*-
T#ey ru/ it and a 3enie +o"es out-
T#e 3enie says' 2I2ll gi.e ea+# o( you just one ,is#-2
2Me (irst= Me (irst=2 says t#e ad"in +lerk- 2I ,ant to /e in t#e Ba#a"as ' dri.ing a
s*eed/oat' ,it#out a +are in t#e ,orld-2
Cu((= S#e2s gone-
2Me ne6t= Me ne6t=2 says t#e sales re*- 2I ,ant to /e in Ha,aii ' rela6ing on t#e /ea+# ,it#
"y *ersonal "asseuse' an endless su**ly o( Cina )oladas and t#e lo.e o( "y li(e-2
Cu((= He2s gone-
2O' you2re u*'2 t#e 3enie says to t#e "anager-
T#e "anager says' 2I ,ant t#ose t,o /a+k in t#e o((i+e a(ter
lun+#-2
Moral o( t#e story%
A"ways "e! your )oss ha*e !he firs! say,
Lesson O
An eagle ,as sitting on a tree resting' doing not#ing-
A s"all ra//it sa, t#e eagle and asked #i"' 2)an I also sit like you and do not#ing82
T#e eagle ans,ered% 2Sure' ,#y not-2
So' t#e ra//it sat on t#e ground /elo, t#e eagle and rested- All o( a sudden' a (o6
a**eared' ju"*ed on t#e ra//it and ate it-
Moral o( t#e story%
To )e si!!i#g a#& &oi#g #o!hi#g( you $us! )e si!!i#g *ery( *ery high u%,P ABQ
Lesson $
A turkey ,as +#atting ,it# a /ull-
2I ,ould lo.e to /e a/le to get to t#e to* o( t#at tree2 sig#ed t#e turkey' 2/ut I #a.en2t got
t#e energy-2
2Well' ,#y don2t you ni//le on so"e o( "y dro**ings82 r e*lied t#e /ull- T#ey2re *a+ked
,it# nutrients-2
T#e turkey *e+ked at a lu"* o( dung' and (ound it a+tually ga.e #i" enoug# strengt# to
rea+# t#e lo,est /ran+# o( t#e tree-
T#e ne6t day' a(ter eating so"e "ore dung' #e rea+#ed t#e se+ond /ran+#-
7inally a(ter a (ourt# nig#t' t#e turkey ,as *roudly *er+#ed at t#e to* o( t#e tree-
He ,as *ro"*tly s*otted /y a (ar"er' ,#o s#ot #i" out o( t#e tree-
Moral o( t#e story%
Bu"" Shi! $igh! ge! you !o !he !o%( )u! i! wo#.! 'ee% you !here,,
Lesson 5
A little /ird ,as (lying sout# (or t#e ,inter- It ,as so +o ld t#e /ird (roFe and (ell to t#e
ground into a large (ield-
W#ile #e ,as lying t#ere' a +o, +a"e /y and dro**ed so"e dung on #i"-
As t#e (roFen /ird lay t#ere in t#e *ile o( +o, dung' #e /egan to realiFe #o, ,ar" #e ,as-
T#e dung ,as a+tually t#a,ing #i" out=
He lay t#ere all ,ar" and #a**y' and soon /egan to sing (or joy-
A *assing +at #eard t#e /ird singing and +a"e to in.estigate-
7ollo,ing t#e sound' t#e +at dis+o.ered t#e /ird under t#e *ile o( +o, dung' and *ro"*tly
dug #i" out and ate #i"-
Morals o( t#e story%
/01 No! e*eryo#e who shi!s o# you is your e#e$y,
/21 No! e*eryo#e who ge!s you ou! of shi! is your
frie#&,
/31 A#& whe# you.re i# &ee% shi!( i!.s )es! !o 'ee%
your $ou!h shu!4
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANA5EMENT 6OURSE
Send t#is to at least (i.e /rig#t' (unny *eo*le you kno, and "ake t#eir day=
/lack Cirl and a stranger was seated ne't to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, 3et#s talk. I#e heard that flights go Euicker if you strike up a conersation
with your fellow passenger The little girl, who had Bust opened her coloring book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, What would you like to talk about? !h, I don#t know, said the
stranger. Since you are a %egro, do you think that So7called )resident +lect /arak !bama is
Eualified for the Bob? and he smiles. !5 she said. #That could be an interesting topic. /ut let me
ask you a Euestion first. $ horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff 7 grass 7. "et a deer
e'cretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is? The stranger, isibly surprised by the little girl#s intelligence,
thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I hae no idea; To which the little girl replies. 4o you really
feel Eualified to discuss )resident /arak !bama...when you don#t know sh^t? Dacob 5ona
There was a ery gracious lady who was mailing an old family
/ible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "!nly the
Ten ,ommandments." $nswered the lady.
YYYYYYYY
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Cood morning, 3ord," and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Cood 3ord, it#s morning."
YYYYYYYY
$ minister parked his car in a no7parking 9one in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn#t find a space with a
meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read(
"I hae circled the block 12 times. If I don#t park here, I#ll miss
my appointment. .orgie us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
with this note "I#e circled this block for 12 years. If I don#t gie
you a ticket I#ll lose my Bob. "3ead us not into temptation."
YYYYYYYY
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation( "I hae good news and bad
news. The good news is, we hae enough money to pay for our
new building program. The bad news is, it#s still out there in
your pockets."
YYYYYYYY
While driing in )ennsylania, a family caught up to an $mish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obiously had a sense of
humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a
hand printed sign... "+nergy efficient ehicle( *uns on oats and
grass. ,aution( 4o not step in e'haust."
YYYYYYYY
$ Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a Euestion,
"/oys and girls, what do we know about Cod?" $ hand shot
up in the air. "He is an artist&" said the kindergarten boy.
"*eally? How do you know?" the teacher asked. ""ou know 7
!ur .ather, who does art in Heaen... "
YYYYYYYY
$ minister waited in line to hae his car filled with gas Bust
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked Euickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him. .inally, the attendant
motioned him toward a acant pump. "*eerend," said the
young man, "I#m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
eeryone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It#s the same
in my business."
YYYYYYYY
$ father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
"I know what the /ible means&" His father smiled and replied,
"What do you mean, you #know# what the /ible means?" The son
replied, "I do know&" "!kay," said his father. "What does the
/ible mean?" "That#s easy, 4addy." The young boy replied
e'citedly, "It stands for #/asic Information /efore 3eaing
+arth.#"
YYYYYYYY
Sunday after church, a :om asked her ery young daughter
what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "4on#t be
scared, you#ll get your Euilt."
%eedless to say, the :om was perple'ed. 3ater in the day, the
)astor stopped by for tea and the :om asked him what that
morning#s Sunday school lesson was about. He said "/e not
afraid, thy comforter is coming."
YYYYYYYY
Cie me a sense of humor, 3ord,
Cie me the grace to see a Boke,
To get some humor out of life,
$nd pass it on to other folk& $men.
A little boys agony
$ little boy wanted to know what it was like to hae 5shs.12, 222. His mother told him
to pray to Cod for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write Cod a letter reEuesting the 5shs.12, 222.
When the post office receied the letter addressed to Cod, they opened it and decided to
send it to )resident 5ibaki. The )resident was so impressed, touched and amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy 5shs.822. He thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy
JWell it didK
The little boy was delighted with the 5shs822 and sat down to write a thank7you letter,
which read as follows; "4ear Cod( Thank you ery much for sending me the money. I
noticed that you had to send it through the goernment. $s usual, those thiees deducted
5shs.O,X22.22 for ta'es."
$"-/$ bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to eeryone from his )hone /ook G said, #:y :obile %o. Has changed.
+arlier it was %okia MM12. %ow it is NN12#
Teacher( #I killed a person# conert this sentence into future tense
$"-/$ ( The future tense is #u will go to Bail#
$"-/$ ( I am )roud, co9 my son is in :edical college .
.riend( *eally, what is he studying?
$"-/$( %o, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
$"-/$( 4octor, in my dreams, I play football eery night.
4*( Take this tablet, you will be ok.
$"-/$ ( ,an I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game.
$"-/$ ( If I die, will u remarry?
Wife( %o& I#ll stay with my sister. /ut if I die will u remarry?
$"-/$ ( %o, I#ll also stay with your sister.
$"-/$ ( )eople consider me as a #god#
Wife( How do you know??
$"-/$ ( When I went to the )ark today, eerybody said, !h C!4& - hae come again..
$"-/$ complained to the police( #Sir, all items are missing, e'cept the TF in my house.#
)olice( #How the thief did not take TF?#
$"-/$ ( #I was watching TF news...#
$"-/$ comes back 8 his car G find a note saying #)arking .ine#
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole #Thanks for compliment.#
How do you recogni9e $"-/$ in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
!nce $"-/$ was walking he had a gloe on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one
hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
ma c#est de la pQdagogie && *Qcemment, dans une Qcole, la direction a QtQ
confrontQe R un problTme particulier.
)lusieurs filles, Eui commenVaient R utiliser du rouge R lTres,
se l#appliEuaient dans les toilettes de l#Qcole. DusEue7lR, pas de
problTmes ; mais aprTs l#application, elles laissaient une empreinte de
leur lTres sur le miroir. ,e dernier se retrouait donc aec des
dou9aines de petites empreintes de rouge R lTres. Tous les soirs, le
concierge les enleait, et le lendemain, les filles embrassaient de
noueau le miroir.
.ace R cette situation, et afin de corriger ce problTme
grandissant, la directrice conoEua le concierge et les filles concernQes
dans les toilettes. +lle leur e'pliEua Eue les empreintes causaient
beaucoup de traail au concierge Eui deait nettoyer le miroir tous les
soirs. )our dQmontrer la nuisance Eue les marEues causaient, elle demanda
au concierge de faire une dQmonstration des difficultQs Eu#il aait R
nettoyer le miroir. ,elui7ci prit une Qponge, la trempa dans une des
cuettes des toilettes et nettoya le miroir aec &

4epuis, aucune empreinte de rouge a lTres n#est rQapparue sur le miroir &
Il y a des professeurs et il a y des Qducateurs &
let the views of others educate and inform you$
but let your decisions be a product of your own conclusions

,ery man should get married some time& after all,
happiness is not the only thing in life--
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
+achelors should be heaily taxed. 't is not fair
that some men should be happier than others.
%%.scar Wilde
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
/n- bsp&0on"t marry for money& you can borrow it cheaper.
%%Scottish *roerb
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
' don"t worry about terrorism. ' was married for
two years.
%%Sam 1inison
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A psychiatrist is a person who will gie you
expensie answers that your
wife will gie you for free.
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
+achelors know more about women than married men&
if they didn"t, they"d
be married too.
%%). #. Mencken
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Men hae a better time than women& for one thing,
they marry later&for another thing, they die earlier.
%%). #. Mencken
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
% 23
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% Marriage is a three%ring circus(
%%engagement ring
%%%wedding ring
%%%suffering
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
When a newly married couple - smiles, eeryone knows
why.
When a ten%year married couple smiles, eeryone
wonders why.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
#oe is blind but marriage is an eye%opener.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing( either the car is new or the wife.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
' take my wife eerywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
' asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniersary4" She said, "Somewhere ' hae neer been-" ' told her,
")ow about the kitchen4"
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
We always hold hands. 'f ' let go, she shops.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
!hat was only for the estimate.
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.!hen
the mud fell off.
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am ' too
late for the garbage4"
5ollowing her down the street ' yelled, "6o, $ump in."
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
+add !eddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get married.
)e says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
'f your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first4
!he 0og of course..- .at least he"ll shut up after u
let him in-
%%Anonymous
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A man placed some flowers on the grae of his
dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
dierted to another man kneeling at a grae. !he man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did u hae to
die4 Why did you hae to die4" !he first man approached him and said,
"Sir, ' don"t wish to interfere with your priate grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than '"e eer seen before. 5or whom do you
mourn so4 0eeply4 A child4 A parent4"!he mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied "My wife"s first husband."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A couple came upon a wishing well. !he husband
leaned oer, made a wish and threw in a penny.
!he wife decided to make a wish, too. +ut she
leaned oer too much, fell into the well, and drowned. !he husband
was stunned for a while but then smiled " 't really works - "
lluminated by $lindness
$y "uthor 3nknown
,here was a blind girl who hated herself because
she was blind. She hated everyone, e&cept her
loving boyfriend. *e was always there for her. She
told her boyfriend, $If I could only see the world, I
will marry you.$
1ne day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her..
(hen the bandages came off, she was able to see
everything, including her boyfriend.
*e asked her, $'ow that you can see the world, will
you marry me$ ,he girl looked at her boyfriend
and saw that he was blind. ,he sight of his closed
eyelids shocked her. She hadn't e&pected that. ,he
thought of looking at them the rest of her life led
her to refuse to marry him.
*er boyfriend left in tears and days later had a
note sent to her saying, $,ake good care of your
eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they
were mine.$
,his is often how our human nature works when
our status changes. 1nly a very few remember
what life was like before, and who was always by
their side in the most painful situations.
To* KE Reasons Studying is /etter t#an Se6
"ou can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, sae your place and pick up where you left off.
"ou can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you don#t hae to worry about who else has opened it.
$ little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you don#t finish a chapter you won#t gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
"ou can do it, eat and watch T.F. all at the same time.
"ou don#t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
"ou don#t hae to put your beer down to do it.
If you aren#t sure what you#re doing, you can always ask your roommate for
help.
Male )#au.inist Hu"or--
Why do women close their eyes during se'? YYYThey can#t stand to see a man
haing a good time..
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? YYYWhen
she starts a sentence with "$ man once told me..."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first? YYYYThe dog, of course. He#ll shut up once you
let him in.
In the beginning of the lecture a college professor said( "In Sweden a prostitute
makes 08222 per night." YYYYY$ll the women stood up and started to leae the
class in protest of this Boke. So he shouted after them( "Where are you going?
The plane to Sweden doesn#t take off until the day after tomorrow."
Why do men die before their wies? YYYThey want to.
Whatns N inches long, 8 inches wide and dries women wild? YYYY$ 0122 bill.
"oung Son( "4ad is it true, I heard that in some parts of $frica a man doesn#t 5%!W
his wife until he marries her?" YYY4ad( "That happens in eery country, son."
Su/je+t% H-S/$%4S
)osition of a Husband Is Bust like a Split $,
%o matter howeer 3oud he is in the !utdoor
He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whicheer way she turns, he goes."

$ man in Hell asked 4eil(
,an I make a call to my Wife?
$fter making call he asked how much to pay.
4eil ( %othing, Hell to hell is .ree.

Husband( 4o you know the meaning of WI.+? It means, Without Information,
.ighting +ery time&
Wife( %o darling, it means 7 With Idiot .or +er

Wife( I wish I was a newspaper, So I#d be in your hands all day.
Husband( I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could hae a new one eery day.

4octor( "our husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping )ills.
Wife( When must I gie them to him?
4octor( They are for you

Wife( I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband( "ou should hae known it the minute I asked you to
marry me.

Wife( What will you gie me if I climb the great :ount +erest ?
Husband( $ loely )ush...&