Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

The Meditation Instructions Three meditation instructions form the core of Insight Dialogue: Pause-Relax-Open, Trust Emergence, and Speak the Truth-Listen Deeply. These instructions, or guidelines, enfold much traditional wisdom. They are used the same way most other meditation instructions are used: by keeping them in mind during practice and recalling them as needed. There is a paradox in this. The guidelines are kept in mind, but the practice is essentially relaxed and natural. It may not be clear at first how to integrate the intentional nature of the practice with unaffected ease. Patience will be rewarded. !er time, pausing, surrendering to the emerging moment, and fully present listening become "uite natural. #hen more energy and clarity of intention is needed, howe!er, we can always recall the meditation instructions explicitly, to re$center or practice. Pause$%elax$ pen Trust emergence &peak the Truth$'isten Deeply

Pause-Relax-Open Pause-Relax-Open can be understood as one meditation instruction, or as three separate instructions. I will explore them here separately, to allow a fuller and clearer understanding of each component. (et each one leads to the next) each contains the seed of the others) the broadest understanding of any one of them implies and re"uires the other two. Pause To pause means to step out of the automatic reactions of the heart and mind. If the mind is racing along, detach from the thinking. *or +ust that moment, stop constructing that world. #hen we pause, when we step out of the push of conditioned thoughts and feelings, awareness naturally arises. ,otice this natural awakening. ne does not ha!e to try so hard
1

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

to be mindful. #hen the torrential thoughts and feelings are not fed by identification, mindfulness is the natural result. The pause is a way of slowing down. It is a way of ha!ing some space between what we hear, what we see, e!en what we think, and what we say. The pause is a time when we can really take in what-s been said, along with how we are feeling, and the specific fla!or of this moment. During the pause we become aware of the body, we become aware of our feelings. #e come home to being in the moment of this particular experience, right now. .!en as you are reading this, e!en as you-re sitting here now, you can pause and simply notice: /#hat position is this body in01 /2ow am I feeling, right now01 ,otice if you ha!e any tensions or any particular wandering thoughts. The essence of the pause is mindfulness: it is being aware. f course, when reactions such as liking, disliking, or other emotions are !ery strong, we are not as aware of what is going on around us or of our own inner responses. The Pause is a time to be aware, but we reali3e that in order to be aware in this way, we also need to step out of any reaction that has taken us o!er. &ometimes these reactions are ob!ious, such as strong anger. #e need to pause, to take some time. Most of us ha!e heard the ad!ice, 4#hen you are angry, count to ten before you speak.4 It is like that. 5ut positi!e reactions, reactions that feel good, can also unfold and take us o!er. (ou may be in a reaction of excitement, or en+oying something that someone said, but not +ust en+oying it in the moment. (ou may actually be mo!ing into your own automated story, habitual and conditioned. It6s as if there were a kind of push coming from your past, or from some emotional motor, ready and waiting to be switched on. #hen something pleasant is switched on we don-t particularly want to notice it and let go) we +ust hang onto it. The Pause lets us step out of that reaction and back into the present moment. #e step into knowing the sensations of the body. #e step into knowing pleasant and unpleasant sensations as they arise, into knowing a streaming torrent of emotions and thoughts. #e become aware in this moment, now. This is the pause. Practicing the pause can be an
2

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

antidote for conditioned reactions that happen so "uickly that they exclude awareness, will, and !olition. Introducing the pause, we open to a fresh awareness, stepping into this moment in a new and clean, clear way. This feels like coming home, like resting in the body: 47hhh, here I am.4 *rom this coming home to the present, we can speak in a less automatic way, and we can really listen to each other) we can come closer to knowing things as they are. Pausing in itself is a potent beginning. 'aurie-s experience of a one day Insight Dialogue retreat shows how pausing in a meditati!e context can support a yielding into the moment. 7s the day began, she was holding back. Then anger began to come forward. 5eing in!ited into the moment of dialogue began to loosen something that prior meditation experience had left in a tangled knot. 7s practice deepens, the power of the silence grows. 7t first, the pause will primarily re!eal reacti!ity: conditioned responses, automatic and un$free. In the mindful pauses, we find a complex web of conditioning rising into the moment. %elaxing, we do not turn away from the tension and conditioning. #hen we stay with these, it becomes possible to apprehend the silence that underlies reacti!ity. #hen someone speaks, it is as if words arise out of silence and descend back into it. 7s in a 4gathered4 8uaker meeting, it feels as if the silence continued unbroken. #hether one speaks with the !oice of 9od, as the *riends belie!e, or comes to know the :nconditioned that underlies all conditioned things, it is the pause that hints at the infinite. *rom the demanding acti!ities of work and family to the subtle awakenings of a meditation retreat, the pause offers a touch point of sanity, a reminder of stillness. During the pause we can know awareness as co$arising, in each instant, with all that is. In simpler terms, pausing inclines us to calmness, to slowing down, to seeing oursel!es in a larger frame of reference. Then we pause, we lessen our grasping of pain, momentarily cease reacti!ity to anger, reali3e the emptiness of phenomena, or perhaps simply know peace. Relax #hen we pause, when we step out of reaction and into mindfulness, what do we do0
3

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

2ow do we meet our experience in a way that helps us dwell apart from the forces of habitual grasping and a!ersion, that helps us settle into stable awareness0 2ow do we meet the tension of the body0 2ow do we meet the busy mind0 2ow do we meet the forward push of conditioning, the tyrannical tendency to get wrought up0 Relax, the second element in the instruction Pause-Relax-Open, offers us the opportunity to notice the tensions in the body, the turmoil in the mind. It offers the opportunity to settle down and gi!e oursel!es time to release habitual thoughts, to loosen the grip of tensed muscles. f course, we can-t relax the body simply by gi!ing it an order) we can-t stop the mind thinking by commanding it to stop. #e obser!e in meditation that our thoughts come up unbidden: they are not entirely within our control. (ou may notice that, as much as you may want to calm the body, sometimes it +ust doesn-t calm down. To relax means to be present with experience, to cease battling experience. 5ut to relax also means not feeding the reacti!ity. #hen we pause, we are stepping out of the habitual reactions, and opening the space for awareness in this moment. #ith relax, we meet that experience with acceptance. #e may notice that there is tension, let6s say around the eyes, around the mouth, or in the belly. #e may be able to relax certain parts of the body;this is a !ery good start, +ust to relax physically. 5ut there will always be some kind of tension, some kind of holding that remains) this is what we meet with acceptance. &o this relax also means to accept, +ust as it is, whate!er experience we find. %emain present with the +udgments and hurts, the attachment, glee, or indignation. Turn fully towards these constructions of the heart<mind with accepting awareness. 9one, for +ust this moment, is habitual re+ection and repression. &ee whate!er arises with kindly eyes, with an awareness imbued with acceptance. 7cceptance is the essential "uality of lo!ingkindness. *ull and present a!ailability to experience, non$re+ection, and tenderness take birth and, o!er time, come to saturate the mind with lo!e. ,o experience is shut out) e!en tension and fear are held in kindly awareness. 'o!e is the natural result of complete a!ailability to experience.

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

Open The last of the three parts of this mediation instruction is open: Pause-Relax-Open. #e ha!e seen how in the pause we are stepping out of reaction, into mindfulness. #e become present in this moment, coming home to the body, being aware of our feelings. #hate!er presents itself to mindfulness;whate!er tension, whate!er habits of the heart that we find ;is met with acceptance. #e relax the body as we are able, and we accept things +ust as they are. In this mindful and calm state we are internally still. Internally there is mindfulness and calm, awareness and acceptance of our thoughts and feelings. #ith this third part of the instruction we extend this awareness and acceptance beyond our own internal experience, to encompass what is outside this thing called /me.1 #e open the field of awareness to encompass other people and the en!ironment. #e meet other people with the same mindfulness and calm acceptance with which we are learning to meet our internal experience. #ith the open, we extend the internal to the external. The awareness gets wider. It is with open that this meditation instruction matures into mutuality. =ust as one spreads lo!e to all beings in traditional lo!ingkindness meditation, one dynamically practices this wide lo!ing acceptance in and for the meditation partner or group. Indeed, not stopping there, one becomes open and a!ailable to the natural en!ironment and to all beings. In this extension the indi!idual sense of self, the small, skin$encapsulated /me,1 is softened;and e!en, at moments, disappears. Trust Emergence #e-!e seen how in this practice we pause and step out of reaction, to meet the moment with acceptance. #e relax and accept what we find. Then we open this awareness wider, to encompass all that is around us, and to meet the other with a mindful, accepting heart. In that moment of meeting, we trust emergence. In that moment we reali3e we don-t know what-s going to come up next. #e don-t know we-re going to say, or what someone else may say or do. #e step into that not knowing with acceptance, and trust in the unfolding of things.
5

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

*irst of all, this means that we ha!e no particular agenda. #e are not trying to accomplish a particular task, such as getting a point across, de!eloping a plan, or making a new business contact. #e are simply entering into this moment with full awareness, and seeing what comes next. Much may be accomplished during Insight Dialogue, including emotional and spiritual release, group formation, and intellectual breakthrough. 5ut these are natural results, not goals. Insight Dialogue is a meditation practice, not a communication or relationship exercise. In trusting emergence, part of what we are trusting is the basic dynamic that good things;such as open communication and wise relationships;will naturally e!ol!e as we become more mindful, relax our tensions, accept the moment, and open our awareness to each other. 7 group gathered expressly for meditation pro!ides a rare opportunity to meet life in a radical way, stripped of social norms regarding producti!ity and accomplishment. *rom such a practice we learn new ways to li!e. The guideline Trust Emergence calls us to experience what it is +ust to be with another person, or a group of people in the present moment, not looking forward to something that may happen in the future. *rom a practical standpoint, to trust emergence is to mo!e easily with the flow of the dialogue, not feeling pressured to make a point or inter+ect our contribution before the /right1 moment passes. In meditati!e dialogue each thought that arises must be released, sometimes after being spoken, often when left unspoken. If you find yourself attached to a particular idea, let go and trust that the idea will remain prominent if it has the energy to do so. If the idea fades before you contribute or before you feel resolution, be willing to let it go. If you find you continue to be mo!ed by the idea, no problem. (ou, too, contribute to what emerges) speak your thoughts. Then let go again. .ach attachment to people and ideas is released. In a world where e!erything changes, it is clinging that causes pain. 9oing with the change, simply rest in awareness. 2old the simple "uestion, /#hat is emerging now01 'et go of imagined control of experience. %emember this guideline and dwell lightly in the moment, mo!ing with the shifts in topic and mood as a leaf floats along the boundary between brook and sky.
6

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

The meditation instruction Trust Emergence suggests a "uality of not knowing, an uncertainty about what is going to come next. More positi!ely, the word emergence implies an open expectancy. The world, the particular forms of experience such as sensations, relationships, and words, are emerging in surprising and unpredictable ways. It is similar to the ways birds fly through the air in large flocks, forming beautiful patterns. ne doesn-t know exactly what forms are going to emerge and indeed the birds themsel!es don-t know. 5ut those patterns are the result of all kinds of other factors at work and these beautiful patterns simply emerge, +ust as the colors in the sunset simply emerge. Indeed, when we are obser!ing nature, we get a sense of the constant emergence of life, of change. 7nd it is that sense of change, that sense of the unfolding present, that is inherent in this meditation instruction to trust emergence. #hen we encounter another person we don-t know what they-re going to say. In fact, when we speak we don-t e!en know what thought is going to come up next in our own mind. 7nd, when we don-t know what we-re going to say and we encounter another person who doesn-t know what they are going to say, of course, we can-t possibly predict what is going to happen between us in this con!ersation. In Insight Dialogue we recogni3e the ex"uisite insecurity inherent in complex humans meeting each other. This not knowing humbles us into full attenti!eness, creati!ity, and care. More deeply, Trust Emergence points us towards the fluid and impermanent nature of experience. Mindfulness re!eals changing thoughts and feelings, unpredictable and uncontrolled. 7ny attempt to grasp at experience yields frustration. 5ut if we yield to this arching sense of change;which can be felt in the body as well as recogni3ed in the mind ;each moment comes ali!e with possibility. #hen someone speaks, we may attach to our reactions to what they said. In that moment, we can remember to trust emergence and let go, and our reactions no longer control us. %ather, we become aware of reaction as itself inherently impersonal and impermanent. ,o longer dominated by the chaos of change, new possibilities emerge. In its lack of goal$orientation, Insight Dialogue is !ery much like traditional 5uddhist
7

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

walking meditation. In walking practice the meditator walks back and forth along a short path, relaxed and mindful of each step as it is taken. ne is not walking to a destination. #alking practice is not about mo!ement) it is about stillness. The meditator culti!ates a wide and clear awareness, and into this field of awareness arises knowing of lifting and placing a foot, or of the general mo!ement of the body. This awareness is calm and still, e!en as the body and mind are mo!ing. 7s the mind calms down, one becomes familiar and comfortable with the rising and falling experience. Thoughts are released as they arise. .!en the intention to turn around at the end of the path becomes a distinct e!ent that rises and passes away. >learly, any plan to reach a destination, let alone to get somewhere in a certain amount of time, would affect this simple and refined awareness practice. 7nd so we trust emergence. To trust emergence is to di!e into the unfolding present. #e sit still and feel the body. &ensation and awareness themsel!es blossom into the now. 7s meditation deepens, this trusting takes on a "uality of surrender. .xperience dissol!es e!ery instant. &ometimes the arising is prominent, sometimes the dissol!ing. #e let go into both. 7 friend who practiced with me for two years, whose primary path is her shamanic training, has identified emergence as a place of magic in Insight Dialogue. ur capacity to sense the flux of being can be heightened in this relational practice, and it can be mysterious. In such a flow any grasping at experience is like a catch in fine fabric. The mind hooks the moment and the snag becomes what is called /real.1 .motions, thoughts, and sensations are fro3en by the grasping mind, becoming /your1 experience and /my1 experience. &urrendering into the flux of being transforms static experience into pure process. Thoughts become thinking. .motions become emoting) the self becomes simply knowing. Speak the TruthListen deeply :p to this point we ha!e been exploring how we can bring awareness and calm into our contact with other people. #e explored the instruction to pause into mindfulness, stepping out of reaction into the moment. 7s we pause, we can relax and accept what we find, and open our awareness to encompass external as well as internal experience. In that moment,
8

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

we trust emergence, resting in the flux of experience. #e meet the impermanence of things, and experience both the delight and the insecurity of change and not knowing. #e attend to what the next moment will bring. It is in this !ibrating and aware moment that we listen and speak. It is in this !i!id state of mind that we encounter each other. The simple guideline Speak the Truth-Listen Deeply in!ites us to re$examine !erbal communication. To speak the truth we must know the truth. #e are referring to the sub+ecti!e truth, the truth of our experience. Therefore, we must listen internally in order to discern this truth. &peaking the truth is based upon mindfulness. >larity arises when the mind is energetic, mindful, calm ?Pause-Relax-Open@ and unattached ?Trust Emergence@. This clarity is the source of discernment) the guideline Speak the Truth-Listen Deeply reminds us to culti!ate this clarity. 7s we learn to percei!e the truth of our own experience directly, we begin to know the difference between reacti!e speech and words that come fresh from the emerging moment. 5ut in most moments, the mind is awash in thoughts and emotions. To which do we gi!e !oice0 #hen a thought or feeling presents itself, we can instantly speak it, or obser!e it and let go. #e may choose to ignore or suppress a thought, perhaps feeling it is too pri!ate, unkind, or simply not worth sharing. #e may speak "uickly out of habit or excitement, or perhaps we feel our words will be of real !alue in this moment. #hen asked to speak the truth, we are called to examine not only what is true but what is useful, and e!en what is in some way right for that moment. Truthfulness, the 5uddha taught, is the foundation of right speech. f course, by truthfulness he primarily meant saying what you know to be factually true, and not saying what you know to be untrue. This teaching carries with it a sense of stability, fortitude, rightness. Its rightness, howe!er, can also be discerned in e!en the little truths of each moment. These can be spoken with confidence. &o this meditation instruction calls us to be mindful of arising thought, discerning as to what to speak, and confident in speaking it. :nderlying the feeling of confidence is a sense of stability and centeredness. The !oice that speaks is not simply the
9

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

!oice of a separate self. It is also the !oice of the circle, or of the relationship emerging through us. #e are encouraged to feel at ease with oursel!es, confident of the group-s lo!ingkindness. There is a boldness in this that is not aggressi!e or ego$bound. This is simply trusting the thoughts, intuitions, and inspirations of the moment. &o coming back to the ex"uisite challenge of which thoughts to speak and which to let pass into the ether, we find oursel!es confronted with ambiguity, extreme sub+ecti!ity, and e!en mystery. ,o one answer can be gi!en. #e share those inner experiences which, for whate!er reason, feel right to share. They may be persistent. They may seem !aluable to you or others. They may sparkle with the light of recognition. ne does not ha!e to defend such thoughts) they are spoken as the truth of that moment. The forthrightness of confidence and truth are balanced with an attitude of in"uiry. Indeed, Insight Meditation itself is a form of in"uiry. The "uestion /#hat is happing now01 or, as Aen master &eung &an would say, /#hat is this01 is central to knowing the arising and passing away of phenomena. This in"uiry is at the heart of the meditation instruction Listen Deeply. The clarity and mindfulness of the pause is applied to external as well as to internal experience, that is, to the !oices, words and appearance of others. In order to listen deeply and be fully present to someone speaking, we must be mindful. #e can-t be lost in our own created worlds and still be present for the other person. #hen someone is speaking with the "uality of truth, speaking what is right for this moment, we are called to be commensurately present and aware. This is the only way we will be able to recei!e fully what is said, to recei!e it with the same energy and awareness with which it is spoken. Deep listening is a particularly helpful means of in!estigation in Insight Dialogue. 7s we listen we can explore particular words or whole phrases, gathering meaning with intellectual precision or intuiti!e depth. In using language, we employ words we learned as children, with meanings and associations constructed through the aggregated experience of our li!es. ur words bear connotations conditioned by our parents, friends, and teachers) by the films weB!e seen, the books we-!e read, the cultures we-!e encountered. #hen we
10

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

speak, we draw on these rich and personal associations;all that background is e!oked in e!ery word and e!ery phrase. #hen someone else listens to us, our words e!oke meanings from their personal web of associations. ,o one can e!er understand what we say in exactly the way we mean it, and we can ne!er understand anyone else-s utterance in exactly the way they mean it. This is natural, and cannot be o!ercome entirely: language is a profoundly conditioned medium of understanding. #ith deep listening we can also explore the non$!erbal channels of communication: tone of !oice, the rise and fall of pitch and !olume, facial expression, and the nuances of posture and gesture. These signals, too, ha!e been shaped and conditioned by our experiences. #e can learn much from a !oice as it mirrors the deep, internal life of the speaker, but our associations ne!er "uite match another-s. #e learn listen with our whole bodies as awareness becomes more subtle. #e percei!e with our eyes, ears, and whole being. #e notice the other-s reactions to our misunderstandings, e!en when we do not know how or why some miscommunication occurred. #hen we bring mindfulness and calm awareness to the act of communicating, we begin to see more of the associations that words and gestures ha!e for us, that were perhaps pre!iously in!isible to us. #e may become able to watch as reacti!e thoughts arise, watch the emotions go into reaction, and watch the body as it responds to these words. #e become sensiti!e to the nuances of shared presence. #e can see then that this meditation instruction Speak the Truth-Listen Deeply presents great potential for learning and a great challenge, because !erbal communication is the source of so much confusion, miscommunication and stress. The strength of people being profoundly present with each other, grounded in deep mindfulness, obser!ation, and acceptance, opens a door to communication that contextuali3es our differences. #e accept differences and reali3e heretofore hidden commonalities. This unimpeded interpersonal contact is naturally deep) it simply flows from the strength of presence. 'istening deeply can ha!e both acti!e and recepti!e aspects. 7cti!e listening is an exploration of phenomena. It is similar to the way one brings in"uiring mindfulness to the
11

Gregory Kramer Meditating Together, Speaking From Silence: The practice of Insight Dialogue

body or feelings in traditional Insight meditation. Is this stable or changing0 Is this thought coming from a self, or is it a conditioned response0 The mind leans into the present moment, supported by energy and focus. The recepti!e aspect of listening is more like the open awareness of D3ogchen meditation, or like some forms of Insight or Aen meditation when tran"uility is well established. 2ere, we rest in the moment, alert to what arises, not seeking to examine or analy3e experience. Phenomena simply arise in the field of awareness. This "uality of in"uiry is clear, bright and stable as experience unfolds. #e lean back, relax, and know not only what arises but also awareness itself. #ith practice, one can mo!e fluidly between this leaning forward and sitting back. ne is not better or more right than the other) there are simply different skillful ways to be mindful.
regory !ramer "editating Together, Speaking #rom Silence$ The practice o% &nsight Dialogue ' (pril, )*** "etta #oundation Eighth edition, Octo+er, ,--.

12