OMG...

By Trevor Gallop
Published by Trevor Gallop at Smashwords Copyright 2010 Trevor Gallop Prologue Midsummers Eve... Part 1 I definitely should not be driving. e s!ung the ageing "ord round another tight #orner on the narro!$ unlit$ #ountry lane. It !as a beautiful %id&su%%er's night. The s(y !as #lear and$ !ith the roof do!n$ a !ar% bree)e #aressed his fa#e. The air !as infused !ith the s!eet s#ent of freshly #ut grass. e dropped do!n a gear. *utting his foot do!n$ the engine s#rea%ed as he felt hi%self pushed ba#( in the seat. +ell not pushed e,a#tly. - #lapped out old "ord .s#ort !as never going have your fa#e sagging$ flesh dragged fro% your s(ull by the g&for#es of its %ighty a##eleration. /ut the agonised shrie(ing #o%ing fro% under the bonnet #ertainly gave an illusion of straining$ adrenalin fuelled effort. It had been a good evening. - first gig for the ne!ly refor%ed *hil 0.r up' -nd The "our 1tro(es$ sin#e they disbanded in 1230. Then a #ouple of beers after!ards. 45$ it !as hardly a prestige$ gala event. Chu#(upperton *arish all !as not the 6oyal 4pera ouse. -nd Colin !asn't even an a#tive parti#ipant in the artisti# endeavour 7 8ust an enthusiasti# supporter$ observer$ fan and 0hanger on'. "ifteen years ago he had hung out !ith *hil 'er 9p and the "our 1tro(es. ad seen their hopes of fa%e$ fortune and fre:uent forni#ation fade$ as they be#a%e ad%in assistants$ #ler(s and 8unior %anage%ent trainees. ;o!$ !ith their body #lo#(s' alar%s going off $ telling the% it !as 0%id life #risis' ti%e$ they had re&for%ed and Colin had gone along to see the% reliving his$ and their$ very ordinary teenage years. -nd$ of #ourse$ the <oung "ar%ers' %id&su%%er dis#o !asn't ever going to be heaving !ith gla%ourous$ !ealthy and beautiful people. Colin %ay !ell have harboured a se#ret hope he !ould be e,posed$ that night$ to a portfolio of se,ually trans%itted diseases$ donated by a thonged throng of strong thighed$ voluptuous young groupies. e %ay have drea%ed that they$ be!it#hed by the po!er$ gla%our and ri#hes of all that the elite of ro#( and roll had to offer$ !ould fling the%selves %er#ilessly at hi%. It !as$ ho!ever$ a hope !as never going to be realised. /ut overall the evening had gone :uite !ell. The at%osphere had been relatively #onvivial. - herd of young far%ers had 8u%ped up and do!n a bit$ in a roughly #horeographed sta%pede$ during the songs. 1o%e had even #lapped en#ouragingly at the #on#lusion of ea#h one.

e'd en8oyed a post gig beer !ith the band and tal(ed about the old days. =rab$ dull old days. =ays !hi#h$ !ith the passing of ti%e and the po!er of sele#tive %e%ory$ see%ed to be %ira#ulously transfor%ed fro% base %etal into the gold of 0the good old days'. ;o! though he needed to get ba#(. -head lay a day of tireso%e$ ba#( to ba#($ !all to !all$ pro8e#t %anage%ent updates$ stage gate revie!s$ steering groups and all that other dreary #orporate #lap trap that he'd have spat in the fa#e of nearly 20 years ago !hen he dran( #ider and shuffled a!(!ardly to the errati# beat of *hil 0.r 9p and his "our 1tro(e friends. auling hi%self ba#( to the 0here and no!$' and the #ar ba#( onto the right side of the road$ he gently ad%onished hi%self. e !as driving !hilst !ell over the li%it for al#hohol in the bloodstrea%. To attra#t the attention of any do)ing rural #opper$ by gently %eandering fro% one side of the #arrriage!ay to the other$ probably !ouldn't i%prove his prospe#ts of getting ho%e :ui#(ly 7 although it !ould undoubtedly %ean he !as offered a##o%%odation as their guest for the night> "ortunately$ at this point$ the ris( to his life$ li%bs and li#en#e !as signifi#antly redu#ed as the #ar's engine finally a#(no!ledged that? a@ The 0.' on the dial of the fuel tan( didn't stand for 0.ndless .nergy' b@ +hen the fuel tan( needle has been stu#( on the aforesaid 0.' for %ore than A0 %inutes the engine really ought to obey the la!s of physi#s and stop !or(ing The #ar 8uddered to a halt. /ugger> e turned the (ey and atte%pted to restart the %otor. It shuddered$ !hee)ed$ groaned$ #oughed asth%ati#ally$ briefly roared into life Then$ #o%pletely losing the !ill to live$ fell silent. This !as 8ust typi#al. 4f #ourse he'd (no!n that trusting the rusting ba(ed bean #an on !heels that he #alled a #ar !as a %ista(e. /ut$ he#($ he #ouldn't get a lift and publi# transport didn't see% to have been invented in this ne#( of the !oods. /esides$ it !as a beautiful$ #lear$ !ar%$ su%%er's night. - deep$ ri#h$ dar( silen#e !as pun#tuated by o##asional s:uea(s$ s:ueals and rustlings fro% the hedgero!. In the absen#e of any light pollution$ the night s(y !as a deep$ dar($ velvet bla#($ tastefully blinged by dia%ond #lear stars. The Bil(y +ay a splashed sash$ tastefully draped a#ross the dar( do%e of the s(y$ bise#ting the night. /ollo#(s. e had no idea !here he !as$ but he (ne! !here he needed to be. -t ho%e. e had a %eeting !ith that old bastard *ringle in the %orning. In fa#t$ a :ui#( glan#e at his !at#h #onfir%ed that$ in about eight hours ti%e$ he !ould be sitting do!n$ #onfronting$ the old tosser. *ringle !ould be s%ir(ing odiously as Colin vainly

atte%pted to e,plain e,a#tly !hy *ro8e#t -lpha !as glo!ing red on every available progress indi#ator (no!n to pro8e#t %anage%ent$ and !as a#tually %oving to!ard the infra red in a #ouple of areas !here the heat !as really on> This %eeting !as an essential and regular #o%ponent of the perennial running up a do!n es#alator !hi#h !as Colin's #areer. -nd the only thing !orse than attending the %onthly grilling !ould be to %iss it> The adrenalin bu)) follo!ing the gig had no! dissipated. =raining a!ay li(e a young far%er's pint of #ider$ puddled around his spilled glass. e'd have to #all the --. In fa#t he'd have to 8oin the --.... e pi#(ed up his %obile. That !as strange. e !as sure he'd left it s!it#hed on. - #ouple of$ in#reasingly vigorous$ proddings of the on C off s!it#h #onfir%ed that the reason the phone !asn't s!it#hed on !as be#ause the battery !as flat. e had a si%ple #hoi#e & stay or go. e #ould !ait in the #ar. In the dar(. In the %iddle of the %iddle of no!here. Dust sit$ nurturing a vain hope that so%eone$ !ho !asn't a %ugger or a serial %urdering nutter$ %ight be driving by and !illing to stop on this isolated$ dar( pat#h of road to assist a #o%plete stranger$ !ho$ for all they (ne!$ %ight be a %ugger or a serial %urdering nutter.. The alternativeE e #ould start !al(ing. .ven$ he reasoned$ in the %iddle of the %iddle of 0no!here'$ if you !al(ed far enough and long enough you !ould surely find yourself approa#hing the periphery of 0so%e!here'. - 0so%e!here' that you %ight be able to get so%e help. e pushed a button on the dashboard and the roof of the #ar e%erged fro% behind$ #overing hi%$ li(e a hand !hi#h !as slo!ly #o%ing do!n over a butterfly. +ith a final #urse$ he got out and stood at the roadside$ loo(ing fro% left to right. e had$ of #ourse$ no idea !here he !as. The 8oy of sat nav !as that you didn't need to. <ou !ere liberated fro% any re:uire%ent to (no! anything at all about the detail of the route fro% - to /. In fa#t you didn't even need to (no! !here - or / !as. <ou 8ust did !hat you !ere told. +al(ing !ithout that (ind of assistan#e !as a different proposition entirely. e loo(ed up. e loo(ed round. e loo(ed do!n. 4n balan#e$ the dire#tion that the #ar !as pointing in see%ed to be the %ost pro%ising to set off in. +ith a sigh$ a shrug of the shoulders and a grunt$ he started !al(ing. Part

. -nd %ay you bring hi% to us$ 4h Ford$ that !e %ay sho! adoration and praise hi%. The #ongregation stood$ heads lo!ered$ hands held together in prayer$ %ur%uring their response. 4n the !alls of 1hitelyGillage all$ old$ faded pi#tures of football$ rugby and #ri#(et tea%s$ fro)en in their %o%ents of triu%ph$ fifty years ago$ stared va#antly through dusty glass. +e !ill praise hi%. ;o! the *riest turned$ purple #asso#( s!irling$ and #ontinued to slo!ly s!ing the ornate %etal ball and #hain #ontaining gently s%o(ing in#ense. is ba#( to his #ongregation$ he spo(e i%ploringly. /ring hi% to us 4h Ford$ that !e %ay !orship and pay ho%age. - gentle s:uea(ing of the lin(s of the #hain$ fro% !hi#h the in#ense holder dangled$ !as dro!ned by the dirge of the s%all #o%%unity of !orshippers seated in orderly ro!s as they %u%bled their response. +e !ill !orship and play ho%age.. There !ere about forty of the% and they !ere a disparate bun#h. Their ages ranged fro% around thirty to si,ty and there !as a$ roughly$ even %i, of %ales and fe%ales. 1o%e !ere s%art$ although #onservatively turned out. 4thers !ere e##entri# loo(ing anti fashion anar#hists !ho loo(ed as though they had got dressed :ui#(ly$ in the dar($ in an 4,fa% shop and ta(en a !rong turn on the !ay to the /ingo all. In front of the *riest !as an altar. -lthough #rudely fashioned fro% a de#orating table$ it !as given dignity by a #overing of ri#h dar( red velvet$ !hi#h loo(ed as though$ in a previous in#arnation$ it %ight have been a :uite e,pensive #urtain in an up %ar(et Indian restaurant. *riest and altar for%ed a #entrepie#e on the lo! stage$ %ade fro% #hipboard rostra. "lan(ing it$ on either side !ere large posters of o!ls$ parrots and an assort%ent of other birdlife. 1o%e !ere e,oti#$ so%e$ li(e the sparro!s$ %ore #o%%onpla#e. /eside the altar$ on a large podiu%$ a huge$ bron)e$ eagle stood & !ings spread. Foo%ing large and %ena#ing in the half light$ it loo(ed as though it !as 8ust dropping out of the s(y to end the suffering of so%e unfortunate rodent. ;o! let us ta(e sustenan#e before !e #li%b the %ighty Gloo%bury Tor to #elebrate this su%%er's 1olsti#e. The turning point of the year. -n opportunity for us to %a(e a turning point in our lives. 1isters -ngeli#a and "ran#es#a have !or(ed very hard all day %a(ing sand!i#hes and ba(ing #a(es. 1isters -ngeli#a and "ran#es#a$ loo(ing li(e a #ouple of do!n at heel s#hool dinner ladies$ blushed$ nodded and giggled !ith e%barrasse%nt. Bean!hile the *riest paused$ rea#hing out to e%bra#e his #ongregation and the feast laid out behind the%. e #ried in a po!erful$ and rather louder voi#e than !as really ne#essary$ 4h Ford$ let us en8oy these earthly pleasures. Fet us ta(e #o%fort fro% the%. "or they #o%e fro% you$ are of you and$ through our ta(ing of the% !e !ill #o%e #loser to you. Dust as the o!ner of a #herished ani%al friend and pet feeds and nurtures their %u#h loved #o%panion 7 so do you feed and nurture us$ your pets. +e than( you our "ather$ the far%er of %en.

Carefully putting his$ still s%o(ing$ in#ense burner do!n on the floor$ the *riest strode purposefully to!ard the tables at the ba#( of the hall !hi#h !ere piled high !ith very ordinary loo(ing sand!i#hes$ #a(es$ bis#uits and other assorted ite%s. -%en. +e than( you$ %ur%ured the #ongregation. 1till authorative$ but less #haris%ati#$ a!ay fro% the altar and !aving a half eaten sand!i#h around$ the *riest en#ouraged his #ongregation. Bouth full$ he #ried$ .n8oy %y brothers and sisters. - s%all sho!er of half #he!ed bread#ru%bs soared through the air as spo(e. elp yourselves.. elp yourselves.. =utifully$ and in single file$ they left their seats$ !al(ing do!n the aisle to 8oin hi%. They #lustered around the tables. 1o%e #hatted :uietly to one another. 4thers loo(ed at the !alls. ere$ along !ith pi#tures of ani%als of all (inds$ a nu%ber of :uotes$ on poster si)e sheets of paper$ !ere stu#(. *raise the la%b of God> =og is god spelt ba#(!ards. /oth are %an's best friend> The Ford Is By 1hepherd> I /aa&leave> 4thers 8ust ga)ed into spa#e or into their tea #ups. ;o&one noti#ed the door opening. Dust a #ouple of in#hes at first. Then it opened a bit further$ revealing a shado!y figure outside. It !as 8ust starting to #lose again !hen a voi#e boo%ed out authoritively. Co%e in %y friend. Co%e in. Doin us and !el#o%e to you. +e have been e,pe#ting you. *raying for you. -nd yearning for you..... e paused !ith dra%ati# effe#t. By friends. e is here.. 1o saying$ the *riest s#a%pered !ith :uite astonishing agility and speed$ for so large and elderly a %an$ a#ross the hall. auling open the door$ he grabbed Colin by his ar% and hauled hi% in$ li(e an angler landing a large$ and slightly di%&!itted$ trout on the riverban(. Colin stood$ loo(ing da)ed and$ unsuprisingly$ a little nervous. It !as approa#hing %idnight. e !as stranded in the %iddle of the %iddle of no!here$ see(ing help. 0 elp' in this #ase %eant either getting his #ar fi,ed or so%eho! se#uring so%e other %eans of finding his !ay ho%e. e s%elt the in#ense$ sa! the altar on the stage$ observed the posters$ furtively eyed his *riestly #aptor.. e !as be#o%ing a!are of a faint feeling of dis:uiet. is first i%pression !as that he had stu%bled$ as an e,tra$ onto the set of a lo! budget horror %ovie. The (ind !here the lo#al yo(els a%ass outside the Gillage all and agree to burn the !it#h$ slay the va%pire$ destroy the !ere!olf and dise%bo!el the #ity sli#(er !hose #ar has bro(en do!n and !ho has 8ust arrived unannoun#ed and see(ing help. /ut right no! he !as stu#(. Fiterally$ as the *riestHs large and po!erful hand !as still gripping hi%$ !ith rather %ore for#e than !as stri#tly ne#essary. Foo(ing on the

bright side though$ %aybe they #ould help. -nd he !asn't in a position !here he #ould be terribly fussy about the (ind of assistan#e he a##epted. The fa#e of the elderly gentle%an ne,t to hi% !as reassuringly benign. ;o$ it !as %ore than %erely benign. It !as bea%ingly benevolent. The grip of iron restraining hi% rela,ed and he felt an ar% gently en#ir#le his shoulder li(e a friendly python. By dear fello!. +e've been e,pe#ting you. +hat brings you here so lateE To his surprise Colin suddenly felt #al%er. 1oothed. 6eassured. Co%forted. +ell I've run out of petrol and lost %y !allet and %y %obile's battery is flat and er.. By dear boy$ proble%s hunt in pa#(s. They never atta#( alone. <ou %ust ta(e %y #ar. -nd here's fifty pounds for e%ergen#ies. e !in(ed and nudged Colin in the abdo%en roguishly$ Dust in #ase. Colin tried to spea(. 6ightly interpreting the rather unpleasant$ strange$ gargling noise #o%ing fro% the ne!ly arrived stranger's %outh as a to(en of appre#iation$ the #lergy%an #ontinued. Dust give %e your address and phone nu%ber and I'll give you %ine. <ou #an give %e a #all and get it all ba#( to %e to%orro!. Colin too( the proffered pen and paper and$ !ith sha(y hand$ !rote his na%e address and phone nu%ber as the saintly loo(ing old boy gently propelled hi% out the door and to!ard a rather attra#tive vintage /entley par(ed in the #orner of the #ar par(. -re you sure about thisE It all see%ed a bit too good to be true 7 but this a%iable old duffer didn't stri(e hi% as being the type to (nife hi%$ se,ually assault hi% and then ta(e any of the$ e%barrassingly fe!$ valuables that Colin !as #arrying around !ith hi%. By dear boy. 4f #ourse I'% sure. - friend in need is a friend indeed and there are no su#h things as strangers. 4nly friends !e haven't got to (no! yet> Ta(e it dear boy. Ta(e it. Ta(e it.... Ta(e it..... e !aved his hand dis%issively. It !ould have been #hurlish not to. The door of the #ar sla%%ed shut !ith a satisfying #lun( and the engine purred into life. The saintly old #odger rea#hed in through the open driver's side !indo!$ ave a good trip. I thin( you'll en8oy driving the old darling. 1he's a bit te%pera%ental$ but !hen you get her !ar%ed up she goes li(e the #lappers 1ounds li(e %y (ind of girl> responded Colin$ his #onfiden#e returning.. <es. I !ould i%agine she probably does..$ %ur%ured his benefa#tor thoughtfully. 1he probably does.. The #ar slo!ly and sedately pulled a!ay to!ard the #ar par( e,it. In the rear vie! %irror Colin sa! his saviour illu%inated in a ri#hly yello! puddle of$ light standing under a la%post. The fatherly figure !aved$ turned and started !al(ing ba#( to!ard hall. Then. 1urely not. e appeared to give a little s(ip$ follo!ed by a t!ist$ a shi%%y and a

rather sau#y little !iggle 7 une,pe#tedly vigorous but$ nevertheless$ dis#on#ertingly unbe#o%ing in a %an of his build$ age and apparent saintliness. *utting his foot do!n$ Colin pulled out of the #ar par(. There !as a slight s:ueal fro% the tyres. This #ar !as %ore than 8ust a hearse #onverted into a #oupe. It had so%e real spirit. Part ! The ne,t evening$ although it !as only I.00 o'#lo#($ Colin felt !re#(ed. e'd had very little rest the night before$ finally arriving ho%e at about A.00 in the %orning. e'd %anaged to sand!i#h about four hours sleep bet!een his return and the alar% going off at J.00a.%.. This had been follo!ed by a tough day of bullshit$ blagging and ba#(&stabbing at !or( and the dreaded %eeting !ith old *ringle. ;o!$ all he really !anted to do !as sit on the sofa. *erhaps !at#h a lo! bro! =G=. 4ne !ith assertively violent alpha %ales and busty girls$ #loa(ed in a gossa%er thin plot$ !hi#h !ould offer #atharti# properties to #o%ple%ent the bottle #hardonnay !hi#h !as #urrently having the heat drained fro% it in the fridge. /ut there !as so%eone else's /entley sitting on the drive and he really ought to return it to its rightful o!ner. "linging hi%self onto the sofa$ li(e an e,tra in an a#tion %ovie e,plosion$ he grappled !ith the !allet in his ba#( po#(et and re%oved fro% it the #ard of the venerable old nutter !ho had saved his ba#on the night before. The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper$ 0"irst igh *riest 4f The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth'$ lived in the s%all village of 1talebridge$ in the +est Bidlands. That !as a fair old tre#(. T!o hours on the BK0 and then a sod of a train 8ourney ba#(. 1!it#hing on the *C he !ent and %ade a #up of tea$ visited the toilet$ dran( the tea$ opened a pa#(et of bis#uits$ ate half the pa#(et$ %ade and dran( another #up of tea$ !ent and loo(ed at the *C$ !hi#h !as still booting up$ then stared out of the !indo!. .ventually the %a#hine hauled itself slo!ly and painfully to a point !here it #ould do so%ething useful$ li(e a##ess the !eb. 1itting do!n$ and grasping the %ouse roughly$ he navigated around the s#reen. "inding a %ap$ he sought to lo#ate the e,a#t %iddle of the parti#ular no!here in !hi#h 1talebridge !as lo#ated. Then$ using another$ e:ually useless %ap$ he atte%pted to plot the rail 8ourney !hi#h !ould get hi% ba#( ho%e to dear old =ullbury. Part " The i%pressive$ heavy$ dar( front door !as resplendent !ith a large brass letter bo, and even larger$ brassier$ door (no#(er. It opened slo!ly. <ou dear$ s!eet boy.... =o #o%e in. o! terribly (ind of you to return the pride and 8oy of %y #olle#tion so pro%ptly and$ no doubt$ at su#h #onsiderable in#onvenien#e to yourself.....

Fi(e a stri(ing viper his ar% flashed out$ grasped Colin by the ar% and dragged hi% a#ross the threshold. ;o! !hat !ill you have to drin(E This !asn't part of Colin's ga%e plan. e !anted to drop the #ar off then get ba#( ho%e as :ui#(ly !as hu%anly possible. .ven if he'd been prepared to invest a bit of effort in doing so$ there !asn't a single reason he #ould thin( of to ta(e Belvyn up on his offer. +ell than(s$ I really need to get ho%e though.. 1o$ I'd love to but...... Belvyn$ a benevelent loo(ing old #odger$ probably in his %id&si,ties$ !agged a podgy$ pin( and !ell %ani#ured finger at hi% gently. ;o$ no$ no> e also shoo( his head slo!ly and s%iled !ith #har%ing reassuran#e. ;o buts.... /utt is a rather vulgar -%eri#an ter% for arse. -nd that is !hat you are if you are not prepared to un:uestioningly a##ept sin#erely offerred hospitality.L is hands 8oined$ as if in prayer. is ga)e slo!ly rose until he see%ed to be staring$ %es%erised$ into the glare of the %ulti bulbed #handelier above their heads. .nough> e #li#(ed his fingers de#isively. .nough$ enough$ enough... .nough of this idle #hat. <ou've had a long drive. <ou %ust be tired. ungry. Thirsty. 1it do!n %y boy. 1it do!n and rela,. *i#(ing up a s%all bell fro% the #offee table$ ne,t to the ar%#hair into !hi#h Colin found hi%self gently propelled$ he shoo( it. There !as a %elodi# tin(ling and a youngish !o%an$ !ith long$ stri(ingly bla#( and shiny hair$ entered the roo%. This is 5irsty. 1he helps %e out. <ou (no!$ !hen you're a useless old duffer li(e %e$ !ho #an't be trusted to be left on his o!n for five %inutes$ so%eone li(e 5irsty is indispensable. ;o! 5irsty$ %y dear$ #ould you get a #ouple of sand!i#hes for.. e #li#(ed his fingers and raised his ga)e s(y!ard again !hilst$ rather dis#on#ertingly$ sti#(ing out his tongue then !aggling around as if de%onstrating a parti#ularly !ell pra#ti#ed and effe#tive oral se, te#hni:ue. .r$ Colin.. said Colin. <eeeeeeees Belvyn too( a strangely long ti%e to #o%plete the saying of su#h a short !ord. Colin> ;o! !hat !ould you li(e to drin( ColinE +ineE 6ed or !hiteE ;e! +orld or 4ldE Fet %e loo( at you.. <es. I'd say ;e! +orld. Chardonnay. /ut unoa(ed. *erhaps a ;e! Mealand vintage "ro% the ;orth Island. e loo(ed at Colin and raised an eyebro!. 1o%e people regard these -ntipodean offerings as being big$ vulgar and of little %erit. I agree !ith the% 7 but they are very pleasant to drin($ do you not thin(E e !as right & Colin did not thin(. e #ould not thin(. e !as over!hel%ed. That's it then. 1ettled. 1plendid. 5irsty a bottle of the Gisborne 200K. -nd t!o glasses. ;o$ on se#ond thoughts %a(e that three. 4f #ourse you'll 8oin us$ !on't you %y dear girl. Belvyn settled do!n in the other ar%#hair in front of the fire.

1o ho! e,a#tly did you #o%e to be stranded at %idnight on the su%%er solsti#e so near to Gloo%bury TorE Colin !as starting to feel #o%fortable. The evening !as !ar% and the ar%#hair e%bra#ed hi% li(e a stiflingly overly prote#tive %other. 5irsty had returned and he had a plate of ha% sand!i#hes %ade fro% thi#(ly #ut and freshly ba(ed bread on his lap$ !hilst$ in his hand$ !as a heavily e,pensive !ine glass filled !ith a ri#h golden !ine. e !as brought ba#( to reality by a rather unpleasant$ slurping$ sploshing$ gurgling sound #o%ing fro% his host !ho !as not$ it transpired$ #ho(ing as he suffered a %assive sei)ure of so%e (ind. e !as$ in fa#t$ staring intently at the !ine in the glass !hilst s!illing its #ontents around in his %outh as if it !as Fisterine. 1!allo!ing noisily he loo(ed benignly at Colin. +ine tasters$ %y dear boy$ are li(e !o%en. 1o%e spit$ so%e s!allo!> e s%iled$ then stu#( his tongue out %editatavely$ in an apparently futile atte%pt to sti#( it up his left nostril. - little young perhaps 7 but the pro%ise of youth is so%ething !hi#h al!ays brings hope. Fet's en8oy the fruits of a little southern he%isphere sunshine fro% the su%%er of e pi#(ed up the bottle and inspe#ted the label. ..... 200K. e raised his glass. =on't you thin( it's one of the s%all %ira#les of every day life that$ ea#h night$ !hilst you pea#efully slu%bered$ in the !inter of 200A and 200K$ far a!ay$ on the other side of the !orld$ the sun !as shining and ripening the grapes !e are en8oying no!... There !as a noisy slurping as he too( another generous %outhful$ !iping his %outh !ith the ba#( of his hand and letting out an ungentle%anly groan of #ontent%ent. e stared at his guest. 1o you are Colin.... Colin..... Colin.... Colin.... e blin(ed #uriously. I don't (no! if you are a!are of this %y dear boy$ but the na%e Colin %eans dove. There !as a long$ une,pe#ted$ silen#e$ !hilst Belvyn held his breath$ puffed out his #hee(s and opened his eyes i%possibly !ide as his fa#e turned a fiery #ri%son. e gasped$ then #ontinued. <es Colin... =ove..... /9T that is a !ord that #overs a plethora %eanings. -re you... e suddenly stared at his guest !ith dis#on#erting intensity. -re you li(e the dove that ;oah released fro% the -r(E Could you be a sign of divine forgivenessE *erhaps a harbinger of a ne! age of re#on#iliation bet!een God and %anE 4r$ Colin$ are you one of those #lub footed %onstrosities !e've all seen stu%bling around$ !ith %angy feathers$ loo(ing for dis#arded s#raps of 8un( food in Trafalgar 1:uareE "eathered rats that should be destroyed for their o!n sa(e and for the good of us all....

Colin !as unsure ho! to respond to this. -llo!ing his 8a! to hang sla#(ly open in gor%less silen#e !as the best he #ould %anage. "ortunately$ the brief hint of evangeli#al fire and bri%stone faded as :ui#(ly as it #a%e. - benign loo( of supre%e$ albeit ine,pli#able$ #ontent%ent spread a#ross the fa#e of The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper. /ut who is ColinE +ho is this doveE <ou %ust tell %e all about hi%... -ll about you$ your life and your !orld. e glan#ed over at 5irsty !ho !as sitting de%urely in the ba#(round$ sipping her !ine$ and !in(ed. Then$ to Colin's surprise$ the floodgates opened. -gainst his better 8udge%ent$ it !asn't long before he found hi%self relating his life story in a level of detail and #andour that he didn't go into$ even !hen he !as telling it to hi%self. -l!ays being in his friend Ba#'s shado!$ his disastrous %arriage to Belissa$ the divor#e$ the o##assional failed ro%an#es$ the dull drab e,isten#e in the studio flat$ the dead end 8ob$ the tediu% of nights !ith arry and 6on at 9pper Crust 1ingles.. /ut %y dear boy. +hat about your drea%s.. <our hopes +here are the aspirations to %a(e your spirits soarE I've heard enough about the slings and arro!s of outrageous fortune. .nough about sti#(s. /ore %e no longer !ith sti#(s... Tell %e Colin.... Tell %e about your #arrots. That !as a little tri#(y to ans!er$ even !hen Colin had finally !or(ed out e,a#tly !hat the old tosser !as tal(ing about. Fife see%ed to be %ore about sti#(s than #arrots$ %a(ing his spirit sore rather than soar and$ if it did ever be#o%e airborne$ he had little idea as to !here it !ould go. *robably neither far nor high 7 #rash landing in a field of thistles at the end of the run!ay. .rr. I don't really (no!. 1o%ething he did (no!. 4r at any rate suddenly realised$ !as that it !as ine,pli#ably %u#h later in the evening than he had realised. Belvyn abruptly ya!ned$ displaying a %agnifi#ent array of teeth and an oesophagus you #ould have driven a bus do!n. By goodness is that the ti%eE By dear boy you #an't possibly go ba#( ho%e no!. +here are you staying tonightE +ell I haven't' got anything sorted out.. -hh !ell. ;or !ill you. ;ot here. ;ot at this ti%e of night. ostelries are a little ba#(!ard in this rural san#tuary !hen it #o%es to offering any (ind of servi#e to #usto%ers !ho re:uire anything outside the hours of nine to five. e turned and loo(ed to!ard 5irsty. 1he had sat per#hed$ al%ost invisibly$ on a stool throughout the evening$ replenishing the glasses of Belvyn and Colin !ith #o%%endable fre:uen#y !hilst still finding the ti%e to drain her o!n !ith i%pressive effi#ien#y & o##assionally 8otting a fe! s#ribbled notes on the pad resting by her glass. 5irsty %y dear. There's really no alternative. %a(e up the guest roo% pleaseE e'll have to stop here. Can you

Colin atte%pted to inter8e#t$ although a %outhful of ha% sand!i#h li%ited his atte%pts at verbal #o%%uni#ation. /y the ti%e he !as able to arti#ulate anything other than so%e strangely pri%eval$ #ave%an type$ grunts$ it !as too late. 5irsty had already left the roo%.

;o!$ you dear$ s!eet$ boy. It's no use arguing. 9nless you !ant to spend the night in a bus shelter !ith the sadly dysfun#tional oddball$!ho the lo#al #hildren des#ribe as 0Bad$ /ad$ 1ad 1tin(y =an 7 our lonely$ lo#al looney %an'$ I'% afraid you really have no alternative. 1talebridge is a one horse to!n and that horse died so%e ti%e ago. 0I've got no doubt you'll be very #o%fy here$ but before you retire !hy not have a :ui#( night #ap. I thin( you'll find this -r%engna# a very satisfa#tory %eans of a##elerating your 8ourney to!ard the 0land of nod'. #hapter 1 ;early si, %oths later$ %e%ories of the !ar%th of %id su%%er had long been #hilled and buried beneath layers of autu%n leaves and the bli))ards of$ !hat !as #lai%ed to be$ the #oldest !inter for thirty years. /ut so%e things hadn't #hanged. That old bastard *ringle !as still %a(ing Colin's life a %isery at !or( and the only fli#(ering bea#on of hope in the !ilderness of his so#ial life !as 9pper Crust 1ingles 7 the pla#e !here 0people li(e you go to %eet people li(e you'. e'd 8oined a #ouple of years ago !ith e,pe#tations of %ining a ri#h sea% of elegant$ attra#tive$ !itty$ intelligent and available divor#ees. There !as #ertainly a plethora of !o%en !ho fitted that profile$ ho!ever Colin al!ays see%ed to end up !ith arry and 6on$ t!o$ relatively une,#iting$ hard#ore %e%bers$ !ho regarded these events as being %ore of an al#ohol fuelled spe#tator sport than so%ething !hi#h re:uired full$ i%%ersive$ intera#tive parti#ipation on their part. 1till it !as better than staying at ho%e$ sipping #o#oa$ !earing his slippers and !at#hing a =G= of 0The 1ound 4f Busi#'> -s he entered the pub !here those upper #rust singles #ongregated$ he #ast his eye around. The usual #o%%unity of !o%en !as dan#ing together !hilst$ on the periphery surrounding the%$ li(e #olle#tions of flotsa% and 8etsa% !ashed up on the bea#h of life$ #lustered the %ale #ontingent. There !ere t!o routes he #ould ta(e to get over to !here arry and 6on !ere standing. *ints in hand$ they !ere gently ro#(ing ba#( and forth$ eyes gla)ed$ staring at the te%ptresses on the dan#e floor$ as if in the hope that it !as a soft porn %ovie !hi#h !ould suddenly$ and e,#itingly$ liven up. The %ost straightfor!ard route to arry and 6on !as dire#tly a#ross the dan#e floor. This !ould re:uire hi% to stride through the dan#ers$ li(e so%e sort of ugly$ inept angler fish !hi#h had ta(en leave of its senses and tried to gate#rash the party of the beautiful *is#eans$ gently displaying their adorn%ents on an e,oti#$ tropi#al$ #oral reef. The other !ay !as to fight through the %ale debris on the shoreline of the dan#e floor$ spilling drin(s$ treading on toes$ ta(ing ten %inutes instead of t!o. e !al(ed around the outside. ello there. <ou %ade it then 6on briefly loo(ed round as Colin fought his !ay through.

arry$ %ost of his fa#e #on#ealed behind the rather vulgar pe!ter tan(ard fro% !hi#h he !as glugging a pint of 4ld ay!ain$ %ade so%e sort of !el#o%ing gurgling sound !hi#h Colin translated as$ +e bought you a pint. e !as %o%entarily relieved. The bar !as pa#(ed about ten deep. Cheers guys. /ut$ 6on #ontinued$ arry's 8ust finishing it off$ aren't you arry. arry and 6on laughed. =on't !orry though$ there's al!ays roo% for %ore$ isn't there 6on. -l!ays> 6on !as :uite de#isive on the %atter. +hat do you guys !ant to drin( thenE Colin !as for#ed to #on#ede that he'd been out %anoeuvred in bar proto#ol. I'll have a pint of that.. Colin follo!ed the line of arry's pe#uliarly unattra#tive leer. The fo#us of his attention !as a girl. Nuite a tri%$ pretty girl...... =o you !ant i#e and le%on !ith itE 6on s%iled unattra#tively. 1he !as !ell dressed$ tall$ !illo!y$ stra!berry blond 7 oh$ and #learly a!are of the fa#t that they !ere ga!ping at her li(e so%e sluggish ani%als of lo! intelligen#e staring out of their #age at a visitor to the )oo. 1he s%iled and then.... ;o>> 1urely not>> 1he slo!ly and very deliberately !in(ed. Desus 7 she !in(ed at you Colin> If 6on loo(ed and sounded flabberghasted it !as be#ause he !as. ;o$ no$ no 7 I don't.. I don't thin( so. Colin %u%bled$ his fa#e suddenly rese%bling a baboon's ba#(side$ su#h a lu%ines#ent red had it be#o%e. ;o Colin 7 he's right. 1he !in(ed. arry loo(ed no less astonished than his drin(ing partner. /uy her a drin( Colin. /uy her a drin( and ta(e it over to her. Go on. e !as nodding so vigourously that his !hole upper body !as %oving ba#(!ard and for!ard as if his torso !as %ounted on a spring. <es. Go on Colin go for it... 6on's #len#hed fists$ one still holding his beer$ !ere %oving ba#( and forth as if he !as laying into a pun#h bag. is drin( slopped over his feet. e too( a s!ig fro% his glass$ then$ having put the glass do!n$ resu%ed his shado! bo,ing. This !as unpre#edented. 9nheard of and$ in the true sense of the phrase$ al%ost unbelievable. /ut I don't even (no! !hat she drin(s. - girl li(e that only e,pe#ts one (ind of tipple 6on loo(ed (no!ingly at arry$ !ho stared ba#( va#antly$ a!aiting the revelation that !as about to #o%e fro%$ probably$ the least :ualified person in the roo% to provide even the slightest insight into !hat the preferen#es$ in any arena$ of a 0girl li(e that' %ight be. Cha%pagne. That's !hat's re:uired. Bar( %y !ords. <ou go over to her !ith a glass of bubbly and she'll have her (ni#(ers in her handbag and be dragging you onto the ba#( seat of her *ors#he before you #an say$ =o you 0#o%e' here often>

e see%ed pretty sure of hi%self. *erhaps 6on !as right. Colin !avered. arry 8oined the fray... Go on Colin. +hat have you got to lose 7 apart fro% your inhibitions and possibly your virginity> 1od it. e'd do it> -t least he'd be %a(ing so%e sort of proa#tive atte%pt at %a(ing things happen instead having a #heap and un#o%fortable seat in the audien#e. The =D !as playing a forgettable 30's dirge that revolved around unre:uited love$ a beatiful lady$ betrayal by a best friend$ a !edding ring$ a fatal #ar #rash and the fa#t that it !as no!$ too late baby doll 7 yeah yeah$ too late$ too late. -s Colin elbo!ed his !ay to the bar$ he found hi%self hu%%ing #heerfully along to it. Three pints of bitter and a glass of #ha%pagne please. The bar%an$ a pi%ply and super#ilious youth$ loo(ed at hi% disdainfully. Gintage or non vintageE +e have a ni#e *re%ier Cru. *erhaps 1ir !ould prefer a blan# de blan#E Then a hand rested gently on his shoulder. Dust a glass of the house bubbly !ill be fine. I assu%e it's for %e$ isn't itE Close up she !as taller. +illo!ier. Bore stra!berry blonde$ !ith #lear s(in and a light dusting of fre#(les on her nose. 1he !as rela,ed$ at ease$ #learly in #ontrol and #ausing Colin's blood pressure to rise to dangerous levels as his pulse ha%%ered so hard he thought his head !as going to e,plode. e tried to ta(e #ontrol of the situation. 4f #ourse it's for you. +ho else is there here that I'd !ant to buy #ha%pagne forE 1he s%iled and #ast a disparaging eye around the roo%. I shudder to thin(> 1till$ no! !e've sorted that out$ !e'd better de#ide !hat it is !e're #elebrating hadn't !eE 1he loo(ed :ui))i#ally at the three pints of bitter #lustered in front of Colin on the bar. I hope they aren't all for youE -h. ;o. +ell$ one of the% is. That one. /ut not those ones 4h no no no... They're for arry and 6on... e !as babbling. Ta(ing a deep breath$ he tried to get a grip. 1he raised her eyebro!s in %o#( horror. Colin 7 I hope you're not planning to sit do!n and atte%pt to !oo %e !hilst drin(ing beer !ith a #ha%pagne #haserE Colin s!ayed slightly. This !as all getting a bit too %u#h. If only he #ould find the 0*ause' button and give hi%self a bit of ti%e to regroup and reorganise. o! do you (no! %y na%eE +ould you believe %e if I said it !as 8ust a lu#(y guessE Fi(e a dro!ning %an$ he gave up struggling. /eaten into sub%ission he de#ided to 8ust a##ept the situation for !hat it !as$ nothing %ore or less than the %ost interesting evening he'd ever had at 9pper Crust 1ingles. Foo($ I'll 8ust ta(e the% their drin(s then I'll be right ba#(.

It !as la%e response and he (ne! it. 4ne thing !as #ertain$ she !asn't going to be giving hi% bonus points for effortless and entertaining repartee. astily pi#(ing up the t!o pint glasses and slopping a generous a%ount do!n the front of his shirt$ he hastened over to his erst!hile #o%panions. 1orry guys. I've had a better offer> <ou #all that a better offerE 6on nudged hi% in the solar ple,us$ al%ost !inding hi%. +hat's she got that !e haven'tE ;o don't ans!er that :uestion. Dust get over there and find out> Colin turned to go ba#( to the bar. +ish %e lu#(> /ut !hen he got ba#( to the bar she'd gone. Ganished. It !as very te%pting to fall to the floor and burst into tears. "ortunately$ 8ust in the ni#( of ti%e$ ho!ever$ the bar%an$ still pi%ply but no longer super#ilious$ leaned over$ tapped hi% on the shoulder and pointed helpfully to!ard the #orner of the roo%. 1he's sitting there..... It !as true. 1he !as. 6ela,ed$ stylish and assured$ re#lining on one of the large and voluptously #o%fortable sofas. In front of her$ on the table$ !as an i#e bu#(et !ith !hat loo(ed suspi#iously li(e a freshly opened bottle of bubbly. T!o full glasses stood ne,t to it. +ith the faintest %ove of her head she be#(oned hi% over. The bar%an !in(ed #onspiratorially. -fter you'd gone she ordered a bottle of =o% *eringnon$ !ith t!o glasses and a bo!l of #hips.... Colin too( a deep breath and !al(ed to!ard her. -s he approa#hed she raised her glass and an eyebro!. +ell #heers. -nd here's to 9pper Crust 1ingles> Colin %irrored her$ raising his beer glass. 1o this is !here the #rO%e de la #rO%e #o%e to %eet people li(e the% !ho li(e people li(e the%E - super#ilious survey of the roo% and its o##upants obviously dissappointed her. er nose !rin(led !ith a faint$ and elegantly e,pressed$ air of disgust. 1he #ontinued$ I have to ad%it$ I really #an't say I feel !aves of e%pathy !ashing over %e. Bost of the% see% as though they're %erely 0#rusty' rather than 9pper Crust. 0-nd that !o%an !ho loo(s li(es a prostitute that's 8ust #o%e indoors to !ar% up and have a bit of a restE Foo(... =o you see$ over thereE The one tapping a!ay on her /la#(berry. 1he's probably 8ust putting her earnings fro% this evening's #lients into a spreadsheetE -nd !hat on earth is she !earingE as no&one told her this isn't a fan#y dress partyE The e,pression 0less is %ore' !as invented to des#ribe people !ho go out dressed li(e that> Colin follo!ed her ga)e.

- :uite attra#tive !o%an !as standing alone engrossed in the tiny (eyboard and s#reen. 1he #ertainly !as under dressed to i%pressed but had$ it see%ed$ only su##eeded in s#aring the %ales off$ alienating the fe%ales and !as no! #o%pounding her isolation by i%%ersing herself in her e&%ails. The !o%an pi#(ed up a glass of !hite !ine and too( an inelegant s!ig. 1he #ertainly li(es her !ine. It !as an une##esary observation$ but all he #ould thin( of to say. is ne! #o%panion raised her eyebro!s. Fi(es the effe#t you %ean. That'll be a ne! !orld #hardonnay. *robably -ustralia or ;e! Mealand. Bost li(ely -ustralia though. -ny!ay$ enough of the tal( about her. +hat's a ni#e boy li(e you doing in a pla#e li(e thisE -nd that !as it. 1uddenly Colin !as surfing on a sea of #ha%pagne bubbles as she effortlessly a%used$ entertained$ harrassed$ e%barrassed and teased hi%. They tal(ed about this and that$ !hilst Colin thought about the other. It see%ed as though he'd (no!n her for ages. -s if she (ne! %ore about hi% than he did. +hat a fantasti# evening..... -bruptly she loo(ed at her !at#h. By goodness> Is that really the ti%eE I have to fly> 1he lifted her glass. ere's to %ore of the sa%e> .rr yes. Bore of the sa%e> Colin gulped then$ seeing a stra!$ #lut#hed at it. =o you really have to goE 1he s%iled. 4h good God$ yes> /ye. 1he pe#(ed hi% on the #hee( and !as gone. #hapter $%&der #over But 'ot (%&der The #overs This )ee* +uliette #resta ,i&ds Out )hat -ts .eally /i*e Playi&g The Si&gles Game0 +ell$ any of you !ho thought$ !hen !e tal(ed about %e 8oining a 0single's #lub' in last !ee('s edition$ that !e !ould be in for an e,travagan)a of red hot$ %iddle aged s!ingers$ fired up on Giagra and /aby#ha%$ ra%pantly$ rapa#iously and rudely$ ro%ping riotiously$ !as in for a big disappoint%ent> In 0Duliette's Colu%n' this !ee( Pno sniggering at the ba#( there>@$ I'll share the e,#ite%ent Plittle@$ pleasures Pfe!@ and insights P%any@ that I found !hen I !ent on !hat %ust surely be one of the %ost tedious under#over bits of 8ournalis% i%aginable> It !as an evening that over pro%ised and under delivered spe#ta#ularly> There is a s%all differen#e in spelling bet!een adulatory and adultery but those t!o !ords have a lot to do !ith events that have brought people to #ongregate at 9pper Crust 1ingles> It see%s strangely ironi# that the pursuit of the for%er$ and the #onse:uen#es of the latter$ #an result in the relationship failures that #ause su#h a disparate group of people to asse%ble %id !ee($ in a tired pub in =rearton.

That the pub$ a s%all uninspiring dive in =rearton$ !as #alled$ The Dolly 6oger #ould probably be best des#ribed as flagrant %isrepresentation. +hen %y editor as(ed %e to go under #over$ and 8oin a typi#al 0singles #lub'$ I !as !orried that I !ould be surrounded by drab$ dreary people !ho'd lost their !ay and !ere desperately$ although futilely$ see(ing to %eet so%eone less boring than the%. By #on#ern !as that so%e!here li(e that !as not a pla#e !here so%eone li(e %e !ould fit in. -nd therein lies the parado,. These #lubs #lai% to attra#t the desirable !hile delivering the %undane. 4rdinary$ dull$ people go there e,pe#ting to %eet and %ate !ith #elebrities$ stars$ studs and sili#one breasted slappers. -nd$ of #ourse$ they are al!ays disappointed> It soon be#a%e #lear that$ if I !as going to find a 0story' in this holding roo% for the living dead$ I !as going to have %a(e it happen %yself. I !ould have to roll up %y sleeves Pand undo a fe! buttons on %y blouse@ then e%bar( on a #har% offensive of %a%%oth proportions. ;ot that I let that bother %e> It !asn't long before I !as i%%ersed in the turgid throng of lost souls and singletons tal(ing about football$ e, husbands and !ives$ dull days at the offi#e and unflattering assess%ents of their fello! #ontestants in this %iddle #lass$ %uddled$ %etropolitan$ %ating ga%e. "orget about 0+FTB' or 'G14 '. This !as %ore at the 04BG> and o##assionally 0+T">' end of the #onti%uu% & !ith no hint of F4F> =on't even thin( about loo(ing for '"riendship'$ !ith the teasing pro%ise of$ 'Baybe %ore'. =is#ard any foolish notions of 0en8oying pubs$ %usi#$ #ountry !al(s and snuggles by the fire'. -t best$ it !as an evening of ungla%orous$ uninteresting$ une,#iting and unse,y !o%en$ surrounded by a group of so#ially dysfun#tional$ dirty old %en. In the interests of getting a good story$ ho!ever$ I %ade a real effort to tal( to so%e of these saddoes. To understand !hat$ if anything$ %ade the% ti#(. By %ission !as to 0pull' one of these buffoons & and I !as going to su##eed if it (illed %e> 4ne %an did see% have so%ething. God alone (no!s !hat it !as & and I didn't !ant to #at#h it & ho!ever he !as the pi#( of a poor bun#h. It didn't ta(e long for %e to #hat hi% up and find an e,#use to give hi% %y phone nu%ber. -s a pre#aution$ 8ust in #ase he didn't %anage to plu#( up the #ourage to #all %e$ I also %ade sure I got his> /ut !hat an effort> +hat an uphill struggle> Ta(e %y advi#e ladies$ stay single> a> Duliette Cresta vigourously tapped the (ey that delivered a final e,#la%ation %ar( to the pie#e$ then$ rea#hing out for the nearly e%pty glass of !ine ne,t to her (eyboard$ too( a hearty and inelegant slug. +ell$ that should 8ust about do it. It !asn't a great pie#e of 8ournalis%$ far fro% it. /ut it !ould suffi#e. 1he !as off the hoo( for little !hile. o!ever$ as !as al!ays the #ase$ this golden %o%ent of relief at having delivered !hat !as re:uired !as brief. There !as still the proble% of ne,t !ee(. The rapa#ious 8a!s of the ne,t #opy deadline gaped. Then it da!ned on her. *utting do!n her glass$ she on#e again$ tapped bris(ly on the (eyboard. +at#h this spa#e for ne,t !ee('s update of the sad shenanigans of the separated and single !hen I reveal the detail of %y date !ith Colin> a> a> There that !as it> 1he'd give hi% a #all. -ll she had to do !as get hi% to #o%e out !ith her... /uy hi% a #ouple of drin(s... *out and shi%%y a bit.... 1he'd

have hi% eating out of her hand. It !ould give hi% !hat !as probably the %ost interesting evening out he'd had this year and her the %aterial she so desperately needed to enable her to deliver another I00 !ords of #opy re:uired by The Southern Meteor to (eep the !olf a little bit further a!ay fro% the door> #hapter ! The ne,t day delivered a dull day at !or( for Colin. -nd 8ust as !ell after the e,#ite%ent of the night before at 9pper Crust 1ingles. /ut all that !as yesterday. Today he had returned to the grey nor%ality of another blea( =e#e%ber day in =ullbury. -nd things hadn't gone !ell. That old bastard *ringle had been in a parti#ularly foul %ood fro% nine till five. -s a #ons:uen#e of this$ Colin had been late leaving the offi#e. is train had been delayed and !hen he'd finally got on it he'd fallen asleep$ #onse:uently %issing his station. /ut$ at long last$ he !as nearly ba#(. -ny se#ond no! the front door !ould #rea(ily open and he !ould be ho%e on#e %ore$ in the #osy'ish #o#oon of his flat. It %ight not be %u#h 7 but it !as his. -nd on#e !ithin it$ the #o%pli#ations of the !orld #ould be shut out. e #ould have a beer$ !at#h the football and lapse into a #osily #o%atose #atatoni# state. "ootsteps e#hoing on the #on#rete stairs$ he neared the top landing. -head !ere the three front doors of the three flats on that floor. is eyes !ere fi,ed on the dar( green one in the #entre. is front door. is threshold. is refuge. 6ea#hing deep into his po#(ets$ he s#rabbled around a%ongst the assort%ent of %e%ory sti#(s$ loose #hange$ a fe! used tissues and a #ouple of rather unpleasantly sti#(y ob8e#ts that felt !orryingly li(e half #he!ed toffees. "inally his hands #losed around the (eys. The door opened and he !as e%bra#ed by the hall!ay.... /ugger.... The living roo% light !as on. e'd obviously forgotten to fli#( the s!it#h !hen he left$ hastily and late$ this %orning. 1till there !as no point in !orrying about that no!. Ta(ing off his #oat as he !al(ed$ he %ade his !ay do!n the hall$ flung open the door of the living roo% and slung it Phis #oat$ not the door>@$ his u%brella and ru#(sa#( on the sofa. Then he turned. -nd stopped. -nd stared. The table had been laid. There !as a glass of !ine. - #andle fli#(ered. -nd that !asn't one of his table#loths. -#tually that !asn't one of his !ine glasses 7 or one of his #andles. -nd$ in#identally$ it #ertainly !asn't his !ine. 4n returning ho%e fro% 9pper Crust 1ingles last night$ he'd drun( !hat re%ained of the bottle of #heap 1panish dish!ater$ originally pur#hased to ta(e round to his sister's !hen he ne,t !ent round there for lun#h. 6ubbing his eyes$ he !as very te%pted to go ba#( to the front door and #he#( that he hadn't so%eho! let hi%self into the !rong flat. -n appetising aro%a of so%ething that Colin #ouldn't even have brought the ingredients for$ let alone #oo($ !as !afting fro% the (it#hen. e needed to tal( to so%eone. -nyone.... e rea#hed into his po#(et$ grabbed his phone and started desperately s#rollng through the nu%bers. Then he gave up s#rolling and 8ust pun#hed the #all button.

 ello 6on... It's %e.... Colin.... I er..... I !anted to #he#( so%ething out !ith youE Go ahead Colin$ I'% a %ine of infor%ation +ell it's all a bit odd. It's 8ust that$ I've got ho%e fro% !or(.. ;othing to boast about Colin. +e all lead lives li(e that. That's !hy !e're redu#ed to going to 9pper Crust 1ingles every !ee( hoping for a %ira#le to spi#e up our drab$ grey$ %onotonous lives> Colin resisted the te%ptation to point out that it !ould ta(e %ore than a %ira#le to spi#e up 6on's life. -nd if one o##urred the sho#( !ould probably (ill hi%> ;o listen 6on. It's serious. e paused$ !ondering ho! best to e,plain the e,traordinary turn of events. Foo(. I #a%e ho%e fro% !or( and the table !as laid.... -nd.... thin( so%eone is #oo(ing %y dinner -s he said it he realised it la#(ed a #ertain sho#( fa#tor. +o! hold the front page 7 !e've got a story here> 6on !as #learly uni%pressed. Colin too( a deep breath. ;o you %oron. <ou don't understand. I didn't lay the table or prepare the %eal. 1o%eone's been in %y flat and is #oo(ing %e dinner> 6on gasped$ !ith theatri#ally over e%phasised horror. The bastards> These people have got no respe#t for your priva#y have theyE =id you #he#( any of the other roo%s. I bet they've added insult to in8ury by tidying your bedroo%$ %a(ing your bed and ironing your shirts haven't theyE Colin stepped out into the hall and opened his bedroo% door. The post nu#lear holo#aust disaster area he had left behind this %orning had been transfor%ed. The bed had been %ade> The roo% had been tidied> - !ee('s supply of dirty underpants$ so#(s and other debris had been pi#(ed up$ #leared a!ay and fu%igated. -nd$ laying$ neatly sta#(ed and folded$ on his freshly %ade bed$ lay a pile of #arefully ironed shirts. This has got to be so%e sort of 8o(e. 6on snorted. +ell I !ish so%eone !ould play a 8o(e li(e that on %e. -ll you need no! is for so%e gorgeous bird in a "ren#h Baid's outfit to !al( in and you'd be in paradise. Colin loo(ed over his shoulder apprehensively but there !as no sign of any "ren#h Baid outfit !earing girls to be seen. Ba(e the %ost of it>$ !as 6on's advi#e. <ou're probably being set up on so%e reality TG thing. <ou'll be lying in bed tonight and so%e gorgeous bird in a "ren#h Baid's outfit !ill !al( in +ill you stop going on about gorgeous birds in "ren#h Baid's outfits !al(ing in. -re you obsessed by the%E <es$ !as 6on's #on#ise$ si%ple and truthful reply. -nd I thin(.... I

1uddenly though an une,pe#ted voi#e distra#ted hi%. 1o%eone !as standing behind. They !ere intruding on his personal spa#e by laying their hands on his shoulders and given hi% a (iss on the ba#( of his ears. ello darling. <ou're ho%e. <ou're so late and I !as !orried your dinner !ould have spoiled. Colin turned. Then blin(ed and opened and #losed his %outh a #ouple of ti%es as he stared %oroni#ally at a very attra#tive !o%an !ith long$ shi%%ering$ #hestnut hair. 1he !as !earing Pthis !ould disappoint 6on@ a s%art business suit$ over !hi#h a spotless (it#hen apron only served to enhan#e her figure and outfit. er nails !ere a vibrant red$ %at#hing the #upid's bo! of her lipsti#(. 1he !as not overly %ade up but the dis#retely applied %as#ara and eye shado! enhan#ed a pair of e,:uisitely bro!n eyes and an al%ost unaturally sy%%etri#al fa#e. +hat are you doing hereE$ !as all he %anaged to blurt out before he !as e,pertly %an handled out of the bedroo%$ li(e a #onfused$ senile and potentially dangerous in%ate in a first #lass ho%e for the elderly$ being #ared for by an e,perien#ed and #o%passionate$ but fir% nurse. ;o! 8ust rela,.. 1he gently ushered hi% ba#( into the dining roo%$ over to the set pla#e at the dinner table$ and sat hi% do!n. Then she vanished$ reappearing a %o%ent later !ith a %eal that !ould have had Gordon 6a%say sear#hing for superlative e,pletives that trans#ended the 0f' !ord. It's so tireso%e. I have to go out no!. I really had rather hoped that !e %ight be able to have so%e :uality ti%e together. 1till$ needs %ust !hen the devil drives. 1he gave hi% a :ui#($ but not rushed$ pe#( on the #hee(. It s%elt fresh$ floral$ fine and sil(y. Goodbye darling. =on't !ait up.. 1he pi#(ed up a re%ote and pushed a button. 4n the #offee table$ an i&*od$ !hi#h !asn't his$ started to play so%e refined$ %ello! 8a)). Then she ble! hi% a (iss and turned to go. The front door sla%%ed and she !as gone. Colin too( a deep breath. e #ould still s%ell her. e #ould also s%ell the food. e loo(ed do!n at a %eal that !ould undoubtedly have #ost a fortune if he had a#tually had to a#tually leave his flat to get to the Bi#helin starred restaurant !here it !ould be %ore at ho%e. - tinny voi#e interupted his thoughts. Colin.... Colin ..... -re you thereE e loo(ed do!n a the phone in his hand. 6on !as still hanging on. Colin hadn't ended the #all. ello 6on... ;o she !asn't !earing a "ren#h Baids outfit> the phone do!n on the sofa. e hung up and thre! er hair brushed his fa#e.

e !as #onfused. e !as alar%ed. /ut %ost of all$ he !as hungry. +hatever !as going on$ the situation !asn't going to be i%proved by !asting this feast. e sat do!n and started to eat. It really !as very good indeed. -nd the !ine...

God alone (ne! !hat it !as. /ut it !as %arvelous and that$ for the ti%e being$ !as enough. /ut !hat !as going on. There !as his %ystery tryst last night at 9pper Crust 1ingles 7 the stra!berry blond bo%bshell. Tonight an e:ually enig%ati# brunette beauty. +ho !as the !o%an he had %et last nightE +ho !as the !o%en in his flat this eveningE o! #ould she suddenly appear in his ho%e$ #oo( hi% his dinner$ tal( to hi% as though he !as a #herished husband or partner and then vanishE o! did she (no! !here he livedE o! did she get inE o! did she %anage to #oo( in his (it#hen !hi#h #ontained little other than #ornfla(es$ sour %il($ ba(ed beans and a %ouldy loafE This !ee( !as turning out to be very strange. e felt intrigued and un#o%fortable$ but on the other hand there !ere bigger proble%s in life than having beautiful !o%en brea( into your flat$ #oo( you fantasti# dinners and then vanish as %ysteriously as they #a%e. *erhaps he'd 8ust have another glass of !ine$ rela, and listen to the %usi#. 4r %aybe he should tal( to so%eone. *hone 6on ba#( perhaps. 4r arry. If only he had the phone nu%bers for 1igis%und "reud or Carl Dung. /ut no. They'd 8ust tell hi% he !as %ad. #hapter " <ou're %ad. <es but arry 7 !hat !ould you doE I've spent all day at !or( !orrying about this. -nd$ do you (no!$ I !as s#ared to #o%e ho%e this evening. +ell I'll tell you !hat I !ouldn't do. I !ouldn't phone the *oli#e. I'd hang on in there and find out !hat's going on. <es but ;o buts. <ou've #o%e ho%e to find your house has been tidied and your dinner #oo(ed for you by so%e %ysterious$ gla%orous te%ptress and you !ant to #all the *oli#e>>> arry !as usually #al%$ if not in #ontrol. e very rarely got visibly e,er#ised about anything. /ut on this o##asion even he sounded as though his #redulity had been strained to brea(ing point. e #ontinued. +as it the sa%e !o%en that befriended you at 9pper Crust 1inglesE I tell you Colin$ I don't (no! !hat aftershave you're using 7 but I !ant a gallon of it> There !as a brief pause enabling Colin to inter8e#t. I don't (no! if she's the sa%e !o%an. happened so :ui#(ly..... er hair !as a different #olour... -nd it all

arry resu%ed..... 1o you ate your dinner$ dran( the rest of the !ine$ then you !ent to bed. <ou !o(e up the ne,t %orning and !ent into the (it#hen to put the

(ettle on. To your surprise$ you heard the sho!er going and !al(ed into the bathroo% to find the sa%e beautiful !o%an !ith a to!el on her head and your dressing go!n on. Then you$ a#ting spontaneously and driven by pri%eval for#es beyond your #ontrol.. <ou I !ent into the (it#hen and %ade %yself a #up of tea <ou !ent and %ade a #up of tea> +hyE 4f all the things you #ould have done$ !hy thatE -nd then !hen you'd %ade a #up to you did !hatEEEE <ou !al(ed ba#( into your bedroo% and$ lo and behold$ found her in her bra and (ni#(ers$ sitting on your bed and putting her sto#(ings. -nd she said...... Colin #oughed. arry repeated the :uestion. 1he said... +ell..... Colin hesitated. 1he said$ 0 ello darling$ #ould you be an absolute poppet and %a(e %e a #up of tea as !ellE' arry either sniggered or sighed. Colin !asn't :uite sure !hi#h. -nd then !hat happenedE he al%ost snarled. I !ent and %ade it and #a%e ba#($ (no#(ed on the bedroo% door. -nd she'd gone> arry sniggered or snarled again. Colin #ontinued. +ell !hat !ould you have doneE +ell I'll tell you the first thing. 4n#e she'd got her sto#(ings sorted$ she !ouldn't have had ti%e to put anything else on. Then I'd have phoned the offi#e to e,plain that$ due to a re#urring proble% !ith stiffness$ I !ouldn't be able to %a(e it into !or(. If I !ere you$ I'd 8ust %a(e sure all %y stuff li(e ban( details$ #redit #ards$ passport and things li(e that !ere se#ure and !ell out of the !ay$ then en8oy the ride. I'll tell you !hat this is. It sounds li(e a #lassi#$ ta#(y$ reality TG set up or so%e su#h tosh. There'll be so%e trashy 8ournalist on the #ase. They've probably got #a%eras in every roo% in your house. .n8oy it. I re#(on this #ould be the best opportunity to have a bit of fun that you're li(ely to get for a long$ long ti%e> Colin put the phone do!n. 4f #ourse$ arry !as right. This !as the nearest thing to an interesting day he'd had for a long ti%e. -nd there !as plenty %ore !here that #a%e fro%>>> ;o sooner had he ended the #all to arry$ the phone !as ringing again. ;ervously Colin pi#(ed up the re#eiver and put it to his ear. ello. ColinE It !as a fe%ale voi#e. e hesitated. .rr$ !ho's thatE

It !asn't an espe#ially unpleasant fe%ale voi#e. Nuite the opposite in fa#t. -nd nor%ally any fe%ale voi#e !ould have been a !el#o%e enhan#e%ent to his evening. /ut tonight... +ell$ tonight he !as a bit %ore #autious. -t the other end of the phone$ Duliette too hesitated. 1he'd been :uite apprehensive about %a(ing this #all any!ay and !as no! :uestioning !hat she !as letting herself in for. e'd see%ed fairly har%less at 9pper Crust 1ingles$ !hen she'd virtually for#ed hi% into #hatting to her$ but no! he sounded nervous. 4r furtive. <es that !as it. "urtive> Colin. <ou don't (no! %y na%e$ be#ause I didn't give it to you$ but !e %et at 9pper Crust 1ingles. =id you #oo( %e dinnerE Duliette stopped in her tra#(s. I'% sorryE =id you #oo( %e dinnerE -nd have a sho!er in %y bathroo%EE Duliette felt herself s!aying slightly$ as a strange feeling of #onfusion #a%e over her. This %ust be !hat it !as li(e having -l)hei%ers. Then she glan#ed do!n at her ban( state%ent. 1he really needed a story for ne,t !ee('s issue of The Southern Meteor. ;o Colin$ I didn't #oo( you dinner or have a sho!er in your bathroo%. I thin( that %ust... 1he struggled to find a suitable !ay of e,pressing herself. It %ust be another friend of yours. I 8oined you for a drin( at 9pper Crust 1ingles +e.... 1he tried to thin( of a diplo%ati# !ay of phrasing it. +e had :uite a ni#e #hat...... Colin's #onfusion !as su#h that$ !hen he %erely responded$ 4hhhhhh..$ he sounded li(e a large$ un#o%fortably over inflated$ balloon gently redu#ing in si)e to %ore %anageable proportions. 4hhhhhh....... e said it again. This ti%e it !as %ore li(e so%eone !ho$ having been denied the opportuntiy to visit a urinal for an intolerably long ti%e$ has finally either %anaged to find a toilet$ or has 8ust given up on so%e of the %ore i%portant so#ial ni#eties$ and si%ply de#ided to let it go. Duliette tried to suppress a gro!ing #on#ern that the apparently har%less Colin !as in fa#t a possible serial (iller$ psy#hopath$ nutter and saddo. e !as %ad !asn't heE -nd #learly so#ially dysfun#tional. -ll in all$ this !asn't going terrifi#ally !ell. If she !as going to as( hi% on a date$ !ith a vie! to getting a follo! up story$ no! !as probably not the best ti%e to do it. 4n the other hand... 1he glan#ed do!n again at her ban( state%ent.... 4n the other hand$ she really did need a story for ne,t !ee(. 4r rather she needed so%e %oney in her a##ount and !riting a story that Fen !ould li(e$ print and pay for !as the only !ay she !as going to a#hieve that.

Bean!hile$ Colin's initial feelings of #onfusion$ un#ertainty and foreboding !ere no! starting to #onsolidate into %ore #on#rete feelings of$ !ell... #onfusion$ un#ertainty and foreboding. -fter all$ any girl #apable of snea(ing into his flat$ #oo(ing hi% an unauthorised dinner and parading herself around in a se%i na(ed #ondition in his bedroo% !as going to be %ore than #apable of denying her involve%ent in those a#tivities. 1he !as hardly going to s:ueal$ 4h yes$ Colin. It's a fair #op. <ou've #aught %e fair and s:uare. It !as I !ho #oo(ed you dinner> Baybe arry !as right though. Baybe she was doing so%e (ind of reality TG thing. - sort of on lo#ation 0/ig /rother'$ going out to the people. Baybe his flat was already !ired up !ith #a%eras and %i#rophones. Baybe people !ere already #lustered around TG %onitors in editing suites$ !at#hing his every %ove and de#iding !hi#h bits to broad#ast...... -re you a reporterE e blurted the :uestion out...... Duliette$ !ho had 8ust ta(en a fortifying s!ig of Chardonnay$ as a pre#ursor to as(ing Colin if he fan#ied %eeting up so%e!here for a drin($ #ho(ed noisily and unattra#tively. +ell are youE - reporterE Is that !hat you areE Is this so%e (ind of #andid #a%era$ /ig /rother$ telly thing 1ilen#e. Duliette !as #ounting to ten. 1he didn't have a #lue !hat !as going on 7 but she needed a story & a supply of a%using$ #yni#al ane#dotes about gau#he singleton %ales atte%pting to i%press and sedu#e sophisti#ated under#over 8ournalists. 1he spo(e slo!ly$ unsure !hether to go along !ith the 6eality TG angle he !as suggesting$ or to deny the !hole thing. 1urely she #ould #ontinue the preten#e of 8ust being a regular girl$ so desperate for %ale #o%pany that she !as redu#ed to phoning 0lifers' fro% 9pper Crust 1ingles in an atte%pt to get a date. This !asn't !hat she'd e,pe#ted. 1he'd thought she %ight have to 0#o%e on' to hi% a bit. *erhaps hit#h her s(irt up a #ouple of in#hes higher above the (nee than !as her usual #usto%. Baybe have a #ouple %ore buttons undone on her blouse than she !as entirely #o%fortable !ith. 1he hadn't ho!ever ban(ed on being dragged into so%e bi)arre fantasy !orld !here strangers !ent into people's houses$ apparently to #oo( the% dinner and have a sho!er before %ysteriously vanishing ba#( into an un(o!n nether !orld. +ell...... Colin..... 1he de#ided to evade round the :uestion 7 hopefully developing a little bit of fas#inating %ysti:ue and intrigue$ !hilst not a#tually #lai%ing to be a part of so%e %uti %illion dollar reality TG fantasy. It's not really about anything other than thin(ing it !ould be ni#e to %eet up and have a little bit of a #hat......... 1he !aited for a response. -t the other end of the phone Colin !as silent$ although breathing heavily enough to arouse so%e rather unpleaseant suspi#ions in the %ind of Duliette. Colin$ %ean!hile$ !as standing in his living roo%$ ro#(ing ba#( and forth !ith the phone stu#( to his ear. Baybe he should ta(e arry's advi#e. Dust go !ith the flo!.

.n8oy the ride. -fter all$ a fulfilled life !as a 8ourney$ not a destination$ abeit in his #ase$ generally a rather tedious #ir#ular 8ourney in #attle #lass. /ut %aybe this !as a #han#e to #hange all that. +as this the girl !ho !as in his flat last nightE +as it the %yterious beauty fro% 9pper Crust 1inglesE +ho #aredE It !as a long ti%e sin#e he'd had a girl #oo( hi% dinner$ an even longer ti%e sin#e he'd !at#hed one putting her sto#(ings on in his bedroo% and a girl$ phoning hi% upto as( for a date$ !as so lost in the %ists of ti%e that he #ouldn't be absolutely sure it had ever even happened to hi% at all. -nd$ after all$ the fa#t that he didn't have a #lue !hi#h %ysterious beauty she !as didn't %ean that the best #ourse of a#tion !as to pull up the dra!bridge$ batten do!n the hat#hes and bury his head in the sand. e too( a deep breath. <es$ that !ould be ni#e. Fet's do that. e resisted the te%pation to say so%ething li(e$ If you're the one that's got a (ey$ #o%e round and let yourself in and #oo( %e dinner again$ instead he tried$ o! about to%orro! nightE +e #ould %eet at The Dolly 6oger. There !as a line to be dra!n and Duliette dre! it. ;ot The Dolly 6oger. 9nder no #ir#u%stan#es The Dolly 6oger. ;ot even if it !as the only pla#e still serving al#hohol on the planet. I !as thin(ing perhaps /ar Gino Gusto !ould be ni#e. ave you been there ColinE It's a little :uieter. 1he paused$ then lo!ered her voi#e a se%itone. - little %ore$ shall !e say$ inti%ate..... That should hoo( hi%. 1o$ ho! about 3.A0 to%orro! in /ar Gino GustoE There !as a brief silen#e at the other end. 4h. 45 then. 1ee you to%orro!. .r$ !hat did you say your na%e !asE Duliette de#ided to play the %yserious stranger #ard. I didn't Colin. It's been lovely tal(ing to you. ave a good evening and I'll see you to%orro!. 1tabbing the little red button on her %obile she ended the #all$ then thre! the phone a#ross the roo%$ poured herself a large glass of !ine$ too( another glan#e at her ban( state%ent and burst into tears. Colin too put the phone do!n and !ondered !hat she loo(ed li(e. -nd the %ore he !ondered the %ore his %ental i%age rese%bled the !o%an in putting on her sto#(ings in his bedroo% that %orning. #hapter 1 This Duliette$ is #rap. T!enty four #arat$ one hundred per #ent$ un%itigated rubbish. It's garbage. I as(ed you to do a story about an intellegent$ atrra#tive !o%an seeing ho! the saddoes in singles #lubs live their grubby$ drab little lives... 6eaders of the 1ourthern Beteor !ant train spotters and ny%phos.... 1hop girls and dirty old %en.... Toy boys and trollops... I !anted you to pi#( the s#ab off these sad singletons' little lives and reveal the pus that oo)es beneath. -nd !hat did I getE 1o%e san#ti%onious pie#e of drivel..... 1even hundred !ords of t!addle. If I !as to edit out the boring bits I'd have a blan( pie#e of paper.....

This !as bad. li(ed you.

Fen !as a nasty pie#e of !or( even !hen he !as on your side and

Fisten Fen$ it's not as bad as it see%s... The noise fro% the other end of the phone sounded !orryingly li(e so%eone's head e,ploding. =on't tell %e ho! bad it is Bs Cresta. I'll de#ide ho! bad it is> I'% loo(ing at it no!. It's shit. - #hild #ould have done better than this.... -n idiot #ould have done better..... - %oron #ould have done better... I #ould have done better than this load of old tosh... I !ouldn't !ipe %y arse !ith it> I tell you Duliette$ %u#h %ore of this and the only thing you'll be !riting is bloody shopping lists.... This !as very$ very serious. 1he'd never heard hi% as gru%py as this. Foo( Fen. I'% going on a date !ith one of the%. I've got a great angle. It's.... It's..... 1he needed to thin( :ui#(ly. 1aying It's.... It's..... It's.....$ !asn't helping her %a(e a strong #ase for being given another #han#e. It's..... err.... great. 1he finished la%ely. <ou're going on a bloody date !ith one of these dingbats and you're telling %e it's great>>> e gasped li(e an asth%ati# !ho has had their head held under!ater for five %intues. I'% not paying you to spi#e up your bloody love life. If you're that desperate for a shag$ do it in your o!n ti%e 7 not %ine. Dust get %e a bloody story> There !as an o%inous silen#e. I'll give you one %ore #han#e. Duliette. 4ne %ore #han#e. Duliette put the phone do!n. Fit a #igarette$ poured herself a large glass of !ine and sat do!n heavily on the sofa. #hapter 2 It !as eight p% the follo!ing evening. Colin loo(ed at his !at#h. In thirty %inutes ti%e he'd be seeing her again. e'd got a lot of :uestions no!. They'd been building up over the last #ouple of days but #ould be su%%arised as follo!s? +hat is your na%eE +hat do you !antE +ill you #o%e ba#( to %y pla#eE

-#tually$ on refle#tion$ the first t!o :uestions !eren't :uite so i%portant. -s he !al(ed$ he #aught a gli%pse of his refle#tion in a shop !indo!. e didn't loo( bad. In fa#t he had to ta(e a se#ond glan#e to %a(e sure he !as loo(ing at the right person. -ll he needed no! !as to get so%e #ash out of the ban( %a#hine and then !ander do!n to /ar Gino Gusto. It !as approa#hing the end of the %onth and that !as never a good ti%e to intera#t !ith his ban( a##ount$ but an evening of the (ind he had in %ind !asn't going to happen !ithout a fe! pounds being spent.

The %a#hine s!allo!ed the #ard li(e a gru%py dog ta(ing a dog bis#uit fro% its despised o!ner. Colin (eyed in his *I; then stared at the s#reen. o! %u#h did he needE -t least QI0E If it !ent !ell though %aybe he'd need %ore. e did a :ui#( #al#ulation. - #ouple of beers for hi%$ a #ouple of glasses of !ine for herE Baybe though he should drin( !ine. 1hould he should budget for buying a bottle. o! %u#h !ould that beE *erhaps Q20E +ould that be enoughE - girl li(e her probably had e,pensive tastes. *ossibly QA0E e !as 8olted ba#( to the here and no! by an i%perious beeping #o%ing fro% the %a#hine inviting hi% to hurry and %a(e his bloody %ind up. *erhaps he'd better get the balan#e on his a##ount. e didn't !ant get into a situtation !here he spent so %u#h on !ining her that his #ard !as de#lined !hen the ti%e #a%e to dine her. e tapped a!ay on the (ey pad and a figure appeared on the s#reen. It see%ed to be a :uite large figure. +ith a surprising nu%ber of noughts. -nd that de#i%al point !as rather further to the right than you %ight nor%ally e,pe#t. e rubbed his eyes and loo(ed again. The si%ple fa#t of the %atter !as that he appeared to have #onsiderably %ore in the ban( than he !ould nor%ally. -bout seventy five thousand pounds %ore$ to be pre#ise. *ani#(ing he pushed the button to end the transa#tion and retreived his #ard. ands sha(ing$ he tried to reinsert it$ feverishly prodding it into the slot until it finally yielded. 4n#e again he sought a balan#e on the a##ount. 4n#e again the %a#hine told hi% he !as about seventy five thousand pounds ri#her than he !ould have e,pe#ted to be. +ell$ he'd done his best. e'd given it a #han#e to #orre#t its error. If the ban('s #o%puters !ere so sloppy and slapdash that they 8ust plastered noughts onto the ends of nu%ber !hen people as(ed for state%ents of their a##ount then so be it. -nd if they paid so little attention to !here they put their de#i%al points that they !ere happy to give Colin %ore than he earned in a year$ !ell$ it !asn't his proble%> - #ouple %ore taps on the (eypad and he !as !at#hing t!enty five #risp ne! t!enty pound notes e%erging fro% the -TB$ li(e a #hild po(ing out its tongue. Could it be that things !ere$ he hardly dared #onsider the possibility$ going rather strangely !ellE Cautiously and a little self #ons#iously$ he allo!ed the faintest hint of a spring to enter his step. -l%ost !ithout noti#ing$ his lips pursed and$ in a tuneless$ inhibited !ay$ he started to !histle. +al(ing and !histling aided a #o%prehensive revision of his strategy for the evening. Things !ere happening. There !as a !ind of #hange blo!ing through the dusty #orridors of his life. e'd %et a gorgeous girl at$ of all pla#es$ 9pper Crust 1ingles. e !as %eeting her this evening. 1he$ or another gorgeous girl$ had #oo(ed hi% dinner and he'd found her getting dressed in his bedroo%. This !as all very positive stuff. o! she'd a#tually got into his house$ !hy she'd ele#ted to do these things !as a %ystery$ but 6on !as right. There !as a ti%e to loo( a gift horse in %outh and a ti%e to say horse 7 #lose your %outh. I !ill not be ta(ing the s%allest pee( in there.

4bviously$ it !as all a set up. ;o doubt in a fe! %onths ti%e the nation !ould be enthralled by the latest 6eality TG sensation. They !ould be !at#hing a portfolio of #lueless di#(heads un!ittingly entertaining the %indless %asses by %a(ing fools of the%selves in a variety of va#uously #ontrived situations. /ut not hi%. ;ot Colin ollings. /e#ause he had ru%bled the%. e !as ahead of the ga%e. e (ne! !hat they !ere up to. -nd he !as going to en8oy it> Tonight he !ould %eet his %ysterious ne! best friend and have fun. It !as strangely liberating to (no! that he !ould be e,perien#ing e,#iting$ une,pe#ted$ but safely stage %anaged adventures. It !as li(e being on a roller #oaster. -n e,#iting$ apparent loss of #ontrol 7 adrenalin$ adventure and yet all the ti%e safe. -ll he had to do !as play the ga%e. =o !hat the TG #o%pany !anted. ;ot let on that he (ne! !hat they !ere up to. -nd over there !as /ar Gino Gusto. It !asn't so%e!here he !ould nor%ally visit$ but it loo(ed 45. -s he opened the door the *atron$ behind the bar$ glan#ed up !ith an ingratiating s%ile. - roaring fire blasted out a !el#o%ing !ar%th and Colin privately a#(no!ledged that this$ rather than The Dolly 6oger$ really !as a %ore suitable venue for a #osy$ e,ploratory date !ith a %ysterious$ beautiful and apparently eagerly available stranger 7 albeit one !hose involv%ent !as part of a #ontrived and stage %anaged pie#e of trash TG. The bar !as relativley s%all. - fe! rusti# pine tables$ draped !ith #risply ironed$ red gingha%$ table #loths !ere s:uee)ed$ higgledy piggledy &li(e a poorly asse%bled 8ig&sa! pu))le$ a#ross the$ li%ited$ floor spa#e. -bove$ around and beneath$ a rather odd #olle#tion of an#ient and rusting agri#ultural i%ple%ents orna%ented the pla#e. They dangled fro% the #eiling$ hung fro%$ and !ere propped up against$ the !alls and stood on brightly painted shelves. There !ere a fe! #ouples leaning to!ard one another in %ur%ured inti%a#y and a faint s%ell of singed hair$ as burnished tressed beauties s!ung their shi%%ering lo#(s a bit too #lose to the #andles that fli#(ered on every available flat surfa#e. - violinist stood in the #orner #heerily s#raping out ti%eless ro#( and roll #lassi#s in the style of 1tefan Grapelli. This !ould do ni#ely. In fa#t it !ould do very ni#ely indeed. e strolled over to!ard the bar feeling the !ar%th of the fire on his ba#(. This !as the life> .vening sir. +hat #an !e get for you thenE Colin felt rela,ed. aving ta(en his hands off the steering !heel of e,istan#e he felt he had harnessed the po!er that #o%es only !ith abdi#ation of responsibilty. e paused for a %o%ent. 4h I don't (no!.... *erhaps so%ething red. +hat !ould you re#o%%endE The bar%an raised a :ui))i#al eyebro!. +ell there's a "errari outside 7 you probably #ouldn't go !rong !ith that. aving established his pla#e in the pe#(ing order the bar%an rela,ed. =id you (no! that your #oat is on fireE he en:uired. is %anner !as #asual and friendly. Colin hadn't been a!are of this fa#t and Duliette Cresta !as %ore than a little dis#on#erted to see her date apparently having so%e (ind of sie)ure as he ripped off his fla%ing over#oat$ flung it to the floor and de#isively 8u%ped$ sta%ped and

tra%pled on it$ !hilst the violinist in the #orner soothingly serenaded the #lientele !ith a laid ba#($ 8a))y rendition of Fondon's /urning. Good evening Colin. Colin loo(ed up$ distra#tedly. 1he loo(ed vaguely fa%iliar but he had other priorities. /ending do!n he pi#(ed up his #oat and gave it a pere%ptory brushing do!n. - de#ent #oat should (eep you !ar% !ithout you having to set it on fire$ observed the bar%an$ %ore for the benefit of his other #usto%ers than be#ause he sin#erely believed that Colin needed advi#e on ho! to get the %a,i%u% benefit fro% his !ardrobe. I'll buy %yself a drin( then shall IE Duliette (ne! she really ought to invest a bit %ore effort in #on#ealing 8ust ho! %u#h she really didn't !ant to be here$ but it !as proving diffi#ult. 1he too( a deep breath and %ade a #on#erted effort. +ould you li(e one ColinE Colin gave her a dis#on#ertingly va#ant stare. +hatE Duliette thought of the story she had to !rite. 1he thought of Fen. 1he thought of the readers of the 1outhern Beteor. -nd she too( a deep breath. - drin( Colin. +ould you li(e a drin(E This is a bar. They sell drin(s here. If you !ould li(e one$ I !ill buy you one. I'% buying one for %e and I'll get you one at the sa%e ti%e. Colin's %outh dropped open. Give it another five %inutes and he'd be dribbling. - drin(E Christ 7 this !as going to be hard !or(. <es Colin$ a drin(. +ould you li(e one or notE ugging his #oat$ Colin tried to resist the te%ptation to ro#( ba#( and forth. +ell$ I'% a#tually %eeting so%eone else..... Duliette !as being pushed beyond the li%its of hu%an enduran#e. +ell !hy did you bloody !ell agree to %eet %e here this evening thenE +as this %an a #o%plete i%be#ileE -ll right$ she !as !or(ing no!. 1he !asn't$ !hatever Fen %ight thin($ doing this for pleasure. -nd ad%ittedly it !as all grist to the %ill for a good story. /ut surely it didn't have to be this hard. -nd deep$ deep do!n$ lo#(ed a!ay in tiny pla#e$ !here she very rarely allo!ed herself to go$ !as a little bit of disappoint%ent. 1urely it !as possible that$ doing this assign%ent$ a girl %ight have a#tually %et so%eone !orth (no!ing. 1o%eone !ith a G14 and an interest in friendship$ perhaps %ore... Colin !as loo(ing a bit li(e a goldfish. =id IEEE I thought..... I thought..... Duliette needed to get things ba#( on tra#(. 1he needed a story. To get a story she needed a date. Colin !as far fro% ideal$ but he !as here. +ell Colin. I don't (no! !ho else you have arranged to %eet this evening$ but the fa#t is they aren't in this bar and I a%. 1o do you !ant a bloody drin( or notE The violinist had started to play the the%e fro% 0"riends'$ ho!ever a single stare fro% Duliette #aused hi% to stop$ lo!er his bo! and his eyes and shuffle his feet. The

various lovers$ friends and a:uaintenan#es sat around the tables stared into their !ine glasses. 1o%e of these !ere half full$ others half e%pty 7 but right no! half full or half e%pty Duliette didn't #are. 1he 8ust !anted a glass !ith so%ething in it. This one's on the house$ the bar%an handed Duliette a tray !ith a very satisfying loo(ing bottle of 6io8a on it$ flan(ed by t!o very inde#ently large glasses. Than( you. That's very generous. ;o! Colin$ are you going to #ontinue standing here$ !aiting for your i%aginery friend$ setting fire to your #lothes and doing bi)arre and poorly #horeographed dan#e routines$ or are you going to 8oin %e for a drin( that you probably need as %u#h as I doE #hapter 3 Duliette navigated her !ay e,pertly through the tables to!ard a :uiet #orner$ 8ust #lose enough to the fire to be able to see and feel it$ but far enough a!ay to avoid either being un#o%fortably hot or for Colin to start setting his #lothes alight again. 4n#e they !ere seated and both had a glass of !ine Duliette visibly rela,ed. Colin ho!ever !as still agitately loo(ing over his shoulder. Bore rela,ed though she !as$ she !as still irritated. Irritated in the !ay a #at %ight be irritated by the %ouse it's tor%enting. 6ela,ed but irritated. e !as irritating her. .verything about hi% !as irritating. The !ay he dru%%ed his fingers on the table. The !ay he (ept rubbing his nose. -nd espe#ially the !ay he (ept loo(ing over his shoulder at the door. It !as.... +ell..... It !as 8ust irritating> /ut no! she !as in #ontrol. 1o Colin$ !ho are you e,pe#ting to 8oin usE =o you nor%ally try to set up a %enage a' trois on a first dateE Colin hesitated. +ell I'% not sure no!. +hat is you're not sure of Colin. -re you un#ertain !ho you are e,pe#ting to !al( through that door any %o%ent no! or are you unsure !hether you nor%ally try to set up a %enage a' trois on a first dateE Things !ern't going terribly !ell$ Colin refle#ted. e !as being interrogated by a !o%an !ho see%ed to be so%e (ind of fe%ale Dere%y *a,%an. - !o%an !ho !as #learly not the %ystery te%ptress$ or one of the %ystery te%ptresses$ !ho had been at the heart of a long and #o%ple, se:uen#e of$ rather ra#y fantasies$ he'd been en8oying over the last #ouple of days. It !as finally da!ning on hi% that tonight's date !as$ in fa#t neither the enig%ati# beauty fro% 9pper Crust 1ingles !ith !ho% he had shared #ha%pagne$ or indeed the %ysterious #oo(er of dinners in his flat. e re#ognised the girl sitting opposite hi% no!. 1he !as the one he had started tal(ing to after the %ysterious #ha%pagne sharing beauty had vanished. 1he !as the one !ho had been tapping a!ay on her /la#(berry all evening and had poun#ed on hi% as soon as the other girl had !al(ed out the door. It %ust have been her that had phoned hi% 7 not the other one. It %ust have been her that had suggested /ar Gino Gusto. -nd that$ of #ourse$ he no! realised$ !as !hy it

!as her sitting opposite hi% no!$ not the afore%entioned en#hanting te%ptress he'd been hoping for and e,pe#ting. Duliette sighed in!ardly. This !as going no!here. 1he tried another ta#(. 1o tell %e about yourself Colin. +hat's a ni#e boy li(e you doing in a pla#e li(e thisE Then she had a better idea. 6ather than 8ust spend an hour being for#ed by boredo% to drin( %ore than she should$ as she listened to Colin's t!enty&first #entury e:uivalent of =iary 4f - ;obody$ !hy not %a(e it a bit %ore intera#tiveE Fi(e a #o!boy fro% the +ild +est pulling his revolver fro% its holster she !hipped her i&*hone fro% her handbag. Then she s%iled %is#heviously at Colin. 4n se#ond thoughts$ perhaps it !ould be %ore fun if I told you about you. Fet's see !hat (ind of footprint you've left on the !orld !ide !eb> -s far as he !as a!are$ Colin's footprint in #yberspa#e !as fairly faint and insignifi#ant. is %obile phone !as %arginally %ore advan#ed than a ba(ed bean #an !ith a pie#e of string and$ apart fro% an e&%ail a##ount$ he !as a virtual invisible %an. Duliette !as tapping a!ay no!. -t least she #ould have a bit of fun doing the tireso%e resear#h and e,ploratory !or( this !ay. 6ight$ here !e are. Fet's have a loo( and find out !hat Google has got to say about the real Colin ollings story> 1he stared intently at the s#reen !ith feigned interest.... -h yes.... Foo($ here you are Colin.... +ell$ bless %y soul.... I had no idea.... o! long have you been a #elebrated ar#hite#t in Cheshire$ a 6ugby Feague star in Christ#hurh$ ;e! Mealand and the %an !ho$ using the stage na%e of =i#( Thrasher$ played the leading role in the lo! budget$ adult %ovie$ 0 ung Fi(e - 1tallion'$ #o& starring !ith Tri,ie F'-%ourE 1he stared at Colin$ eyes !ide !ith %o#( interest. I thin( they're different Colin ollingses a#tually...$ he %uttered. Duliette's fa#e fell. 4h Colin.... 1urely not. I #an't believe I'% hearing this.... -re you really not =i#( Thrasher. IH% astounded> =evastated> /ereft> I !onder if I shouldn't 8ust leave no!... /ut hold on$ don't !orry$ there's still plenty %ore.... The !orld see%s to be #ra!ling !ith e,#iting and interesting people #alled Colin ollings..... 1urely you %ust be one of the%> ere$ you have a loo(. 1ee if you #an find the one that's you> 1he handed Colin her i&phone. ere you are Colin... This one loo(s pro%ising. Colin ollngs$ ne!ly in#arnated saviour of sinners !ho have found their !ay on the path of the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth> The al#ohol !as starting to !or( no!. 1he !as feeling slightly %ore positive about the evening's prospe#ts. 1he'd got a free bottle of !ine$ !as in a :uite reasonable !ine bar$ had Colin on a date and therefore the potential for a story !hi#h !ould %a(e Fen happy. If Fen !as happy he'd pay her and if he she got paid she !as off the hoo( for a !hile> urrah> -nd 7 an added bonus$ although a far fro% perfe#t

beau$ Colin didn't appear to be :uite the #o%plete !aste of spa#e he had at first appeared no! that al#ohol had re#alibrated her standards> Colin too !as starting to rela,. e !as playing a double bluff in a reality TG$ so#ial e,peri%ent. In the last !ee($ he'd had an une,pe#ted s%all fortune deposited in his ban( a##ount. - %ysterious !o%an had bought hi% #ha%pagne at 9pper Crust 1ingles$ another used his bathroo% and #oo(ed hi% dinner. -nd no! he !as no! out !ith another !o%an !ho !as plying hi% !ith e,pensive !ine$ eager to tal( to hi% about a portfolio of Colin ollingses$ as !ell as$ o##assionally$ tal( at hi%. e snea(ed a glan#e at her out of the #orner of his eye. -nd$ no! he #a%e to ta(e the ti%e to loo( at her$ she !asn't a#tually an unattra#tive #o%panion either. 1he'd gone for a rather %ore de%ure loo( this evening. This suited her so%!hat better than the ra%pant$ predatory hoo(er appearan#e she had adopted for her visit to 9pper Crust 1ingles$ !hen he had seen her last. That loo($ she herself had privately a#(no!ledged in retrospe#t$ had been a %ista(e. - %ista(e borne of a re#ognition that she had to attra#t so%e sort of attention to herself if she !as going to have any hope at all of a#hieving any %eaningful intera#tion !hi#h she #ould build into the story that Fen had been so disparaging of. Colin loo(ed at the Google listing. <es that's %e. 6ede%ption for sinners$ eternal life$ %ira#les 7 su#h as turning !ine into !ater..... 4n !hi#h note... e stood. If you'll 8ust e,#use %e for a %inute I'll 8ust visit the Gents for a %o%ent of solitary #onte%plation of the eternal %ysteries... +in(ing non#halantly he !al(ed a!ay$ loo(ing$ Duliette found herself thin(ing$ to her surprise$ :uite #ool. That !as until he tripped over a #hair leg$ rea#hed out to steady hi%self and (no#(ed a glass of red !ine into the lap of a rather %iserable loo(ing !o%an$ sitting !ith a #ouple of other %iserable loo(ing !o%en and several even %ore %iserable loo(ing %en. 1ensibly$ she adopted the easy option of ignoring the ensuing #o%%otion$ #hoosing instead to #he#( out the !eb site for The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth> e is here to save your soul... *ro#lai%ed a banner headline at the top of the s#reen. #li#( here for %ore.... a sub heading flashed enti#ingly. Ba(e a donation to ta(e #ontrol of your destiny 7 for all eternity> a s%all te,t bo, in the botto% right of the s#reen helpfully suggested. It !as probably a bit pre%ature for Duliette to start !or(ing on saving her soul. ;ot be#ause it didn't need saving$ but be#ause she e,pe#ted to do a great deal %ore sinning in the future. 1he ignored the entreaty of the s%all te,t bo, in the botto% right of the s#reen$ instead opting to find out %ore about the e !ho !as here by availing herself of the friendly$ flashing #li#( here for %ore.... option. - fe! %inutes later$ !hen Colin returned$ he !as initially surprised to see Duliette's glass !as still full and her seat !as e%pty. "ro% !hat little he (ne! of her he'd rather have e,pe#ted it to be the other !ay round. /ut she !as a s%o(er$ !asn't sheE 1he'd probably ta(en advantage of his need perfor% the !ine into !ater %ira#le to go out for a :ui#( bit of fiery refresh%ent.

e sat and had another slug of the !ind. 1o far so good$ the evening had been progressing :uite !ell. In the #orner the 0!annabee' 1tefan Grapelli on the violin !as playing an upte%po rendition of 01o long$ fare!ell...' fro% 0The 1ound 4f Busi#'. -s he played the #losing bars !ith a flourish$ Colin heard so%eone say$ 1he's gone %ate. e glan#ed over at the bar%an. I said$ she's gone %ate. <ou're on your o!n. 1olo. 1olitary. 1ingle. 1he said to tell you to finish the bottle of !ine. The violinist laun#hed #heerily into a barn stor%ing perfor%an#e of 0-lone -gain P;aturally@'$ leaving Colin to #onte%plate a radi#ally revised evening. 1o. That !as it then. =id she leave a %essageE he en:uired tentatively. <es$ she did... +hat !as itE I thought I'd already told you. The %essage !as$ 0I'% going. Tell hi% to finish the bottle of !ine.> -nd in the absen#e of any better suggestion$ that is !hat he did. -nd having drun( the !ine$ it see%ed #hurlish not to have a #ouple of beers to finish the evening off. -s a #onse:uen#e of this$ by the ti%e Colin stu%bled out of /ar Gino Gusto$ to the a##o%pani%ent of the violinist playing the *ro#lai%ers' 0I !ould !al( one hundred %iles'$ his !orld !as a happier pla#e$ although slightly unstable !ith a rather tireso%e tenden#y to lur#h around une,pe#tedly. -ll in all things !eren't so bad. <es$ it !as unfortunate that Duliette had ine,pli#ably de#ided to bail out$ but a lot of %oney had %aterialised in his ban( a##ount and there !as al!ays the possibility that the %ystery beauty he had e,pe#ted to %eet this evening %ight put in another appearan#e. -nd even if she didn't$ !ell.... e !as tired. Things had$ of late$ be#o%e a lot %ore #o%ple, 7 the !orst thing that #ould happen right no! !as that he !ent ho%e$ retired to bed and then had an undisturbed night's sleep. -fter all$ if this 0reality TG' thing !as going to #arry on li(e this he !as going to be (ept pretty busy. #hapter 4 +hilst Colin !as stu%bling ho%e$ having a #o%pli#ated and largely %eaningless #onversations !ith hi%self$ Duliette !as having a rather different internal dialogue. 4ne !hi#h largely see%ed to revolve around deter%ining e,a#tly ho! dangerous a religous funda%entalist nutter Colin !as and !hat level of ris( !as she e,posing herself to by having any involve%ent !hatsoever !ith hi%. This ris( level needed to be #arefully balan#ed against the ris( of the !rath of Fen$ should he not get the singles #lub shag fest story he so desparately yearned for. 4n balan#e$ pani#(ing and running out of /ar Gino Gusto probably hadn't helped her #ause but you read so%e very odd things about these bi)arre religious se#ts... Bean!hile$ Colin !as #li%bing the stairs to his flat. +ell$ #li%bing is perhaps over dignifying his preferred %ode of lo#o%otion. 4n balan#e$ #ra!ling !ould be %ore

appropriate. e loo(ed li(e a %an #la!ing his !eary !ay up the north fa#e of the .iger. anging by one ar% fro% the bannister he s!ayed fro% side to side. Then his grip !ea(ened$ and he !as hanging onto the stairs$ fearing #ertain death as the universe he !as at the #entre of suddenly and ine,pli#ably starting to spin and s!irl around hi%. *ausing for a %o%ent to re orient hi%self he #ontinued his as#ent$ finally hauling hi%self onto the top floor landing$laying fa#e do!n$ panting and trying to retain the #ontents of his sto%a#h in its rightful pla#e. -fter a fe! %inutes he had re#overed suffi#iently to open one eye and very gently %ove it to s#an his i%%ediate surroundings. -bout half an in#h a!ay fro% his fa#e !as the floor. Cold$ grey$ #on#rete. is eye fli#(ed to the left. There !as his neighbour's flat 7 the %iserable old sod. -nd there$ i%ediately in front of hi%$ than( God$ !as his o!n front door. "ortunately it !as already open$ !hi#h !ould re%ove the ne##essity for any #o%pli#ated prodding and probing trying to get the (ey in the lo#(. If he a#tually had the (ey... - #ursory patting of his po#(ets see%ed to be indi#ating an absen#e of anything vaguely (ey li(e. e grunted and #losed his eye again. /ut !ait a %inute. 1urely his front door should not be open. It should be #losed. e !as out. e had been out all evening. In fa#t right no! he !as nearly out for the #ount$ ho!ever that !as another #onversation. 6ight no!$ the fa#t of the %atter !as that he !as on the outside of his flat and had been all evening$ therefore his front door should no! be #losed. This !as !orrying. .ven he$ #ognitively di%inshed though he #urrently !as$ #ould see that so%ething !asn't right. .ither he had left the front door open !hen he !ent out earlier that evening or so%eone had opened the door sin#e he left. -nd having opened the door$ !hat then. ad so%eone gone inE +as that so%eone still in thereE Bight that so%eone be the %ystery stra!berry blonde. 4r brunetteE ad she suddenly felt #o%pelled to #o%e and use his sho!er$ #oo( hi% dinner and C or lounge around in her lingerieE 6ea#hing up for the bannister he hauled hi%self to his feet$ ran his hands through his hair$ brushed his #lothes do!n and !iped his nose. e'd play her at her o!n ga%e. 1he !as pretending to be his !ife$ live in lover$ #on#ubine$ #atering %anager.... +hatever it !as$ this ti%e he !ould #all her bluff. Cautiously loosening his grip on the bannister$ he stood stationery for a se#ond$ !aving gently ba#( and forth li(e a lithe young sapling being played by a gentle spring bree)e. Then$ using the for!ard %o%entu% generated as he started to s!ay for!ard$ he !al(ed rapidly$ purposefully and in a line that !as al%ost straight through the front door. Tripping on the front doorstep only slo!ed hi% slightly. e #alled a #heery !el#o%e$ ello darling$ I'% ho%e and if you're not in bed yet you 8olly !ell !ill be in a %inute> -t the other end of the hall$ the door !as open and the light on.

Colin lur#hed into the living roo% li(e a %ail sa#( being slung out the ba#( of a post%anHs van$ steeling hi%self in readiness for a de#isive$ prolonged and physi#ally de%anding session of %isde%eanours !ith the %ystery %istress. LColin... o! delightful to see you again.L The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper$ 0"irst igh *riest 4f The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth' s%iled benignly and raised his glass. #hapter 5 1%o(ing and drin(ing a glass of !ine at the sa%e ti%e re:uires #areful se:uen#ing if you are to avoid an e,tinguished$ soggy #igarette and ash in your glass. "ortunately$ Duliette !as a past %aster. 1itting in front of her *C$ ba#( ho%e$ she !as loo(ing at a pi#ture of a glassy eyed Colin$ staring out of the s#reen. -bove his head a halo hung. It glo!ed gold$ and !as suspended %a8esti#ally about three in#hes over hair$ !hi#h !ould have benefited both fro% #utting and #o%bing. /eneath$ in large #lear letters !ere the !ords$ The 1avour Is Co%e> 6epent> e !ill die for your sins> To the right$ a rather vulgar blue star flashed above a s%aller #aption !hi#h read$ /y %a(ing an appropriate donation to the The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth$ you #an be assurred that the 1aviour !ill ta(e upon hi%self the burden of guilt asso#iated !ith your sin> -nd beneath that$ Cli#( here to #onfess your transgression and %a(e your donation. -ll %a8or #redit #ards a##epted. "inally$ to add a suitable ele%ent of urgen#y$ a banner flashed a#ross the top saying$ This offer %ust end in t!o days$ 2 hours$ R %inutes and three se#onds -s she !at#hed the figures #hanged. T!o se#onds$ one se#ond. T!o 8ets of s%o(e s!irled unattra#tively out of her nostrils as she dre! her eyes a!ay fro% the #ountdo!n$ then slo!ly and deliberately %oved the #ursor over the star$ de#isively #li#(ing on it. The s#reen refreshed. Colin's pi#ture re%ained$ but !as no! s%aller and in the top left hand side of the s#reen. /elo! it !as a te,t bo,. 0.nter <our 1in ;o!' !as the e,ortation. /eneath that !ere a s%all #luster of #redit #ard logos and the !ords$ .nter your #redit #ard details here... Duliette hadn't (no!n Colin long. 1he had only %et hi% t!i#e. /ut that had been suffi#ient to for% an opinion of hi%. It !as a vie! that !asn't entirely #onsistent !ith this i%age of Colin as so%e sort of t!enty first #entury$ entrepenurial$ freelan#e saviour of souls$ !ho !as prepared$ in return for a fe! pie#es of silver$ to offer eternal salvation in a five star after life. Baybe..... Dust %aybe..... Baybe there !as a story here that %ight (eep Fen off her ba#( Pfiguratively spea(ing 7 than( God>@ for %ore than 8ust one !ee(. 1urely Colin !asn't (no!ingly a part of this s#a%. -n under&a#hieveing$ har%less and a%iable di#(head$ granted$ but this really see%ed a little bit beyond the s#ope of the Colin she had %et. #hapter 16 The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper lounged ba#( on ColinHs sofa. 6ela,ed and #o%fortable he !as en8oying a glass of !ine and an unne#essarily large #igar.

e !as a splendid sight. ;o$ a %agnifi#ent spe#ta#le. -uthoritative. 1aintly. 6esplendently adorned !ith #leri#al vest%ents & a ri#h %auve #asso#($ #risp !hite surplus$ an elaborate and highly star#hed ruff round his ne#($ !hi#h only partially #on#ealed a large$ ornate and rather vulgarly be8e!elled #ross dangling fro%$ !hat loo(ed li(e$ a gold lavatory #hain.... is eyes !ere spar(ling$ perhaps !ith devilish %erri%ent$ or possibly be#ause they !ere irritated by the ri#h blue plu%es of #igar s%o(e !hi#h !afted$ !raith li(e$ around his fa#e. ColinHs silen#e appeared to neither surprise or perturb hi%. In fa#t ColinHs sla#( 8a!ed i%%obility suggested that so%eone had ta(en his batteries out. This provided the Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper !ith a perfe#t opportunity to #ontinue tal(ing. ;o! Colin$ I assu%e that your assertion that$ if I !asn't already in bed$ I very soon !ould be !as not an a#(no!ledge%ent of the fa#t that an a%iable old duffer su#h as %yself should really be tu#(ed up in bed for the good of %yself and so#iety at this late hour. I !ould i%agine$ fro% the so%e!hat fris(y !ay you %ade the #lai%$ that you !ere e,pe#ting so%eone a little younger$ %ore attra#tive and of a different se,. Colin blin(ed and %ade a rather odd gurgling noise. Belvyn too( a long and unhurried drag on his #igar. Ta(e a seat dear boy.... Ta(e a seat... I have no doubt that you have so%e :uestions. 9ne,pe#ted events have engulfed you and$ although you %ay only no! be starting to realise it$ I a% the person best positioned to ans!er %any of those :uestions.... The range of :uestions Colin !as #urrently see(ing ans!ers to !as$ in fa#t$ largely li%ited to +hy is this hu%an bonfire of a lunati# in %y living roo%E and +ill so%eone please e,plain to %e !hat on earth is going onE "urth%ore$ if he had a list$ %ental or other!ise$ of people li(ely to be able to shed light on the sudden appearan#e of s#antily #lad$ dinner #oo(ing$ beauties in his flat and vast :uantities of %oney in his ban( a##ount$ the Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper !ould be a long$ long !ay do!n that list 7 if indeed he appeared on it at all. 4n the other hand$ sitting do!n did see% to be :uite a good idea at this stage of the evening. Fi(e a %arionette !hose strings have been #ut$ he slu%ped into an ar%#hair. Belvyn sat ba#($ apparently #o%pletely at ho%e$ and pi#(ed up the re%ote #ontrol for Colin's TG. The %ere fa#t he !as able to do this !as indi#ative of the po!er of the %an. ;or%ally the only ti%e Colin #ould find it !as !hen he !as loo(ing for so%ething else. -n e,plosion of light erupted fro% the s#reen$ then settled do!n to sho! a vast array of ants s#urrying around in their nest. -s they s#urried$ Belvyn #ontinued to tal(. In#redible$ don't you thin(..... -pparent #haos 7 and yet order e%erges. - highly su##essful syste% that has endured for %illions of years. -nd one !hi#h !ill endure for %any %ore %illions.... Fong$ long after !e have gone... Fiving their lives$ generation after generation in that s%all haven. Fiving$ fighting$ breeding$ dying 7 oblivious to all but those ele%ents of the !orld that dire#tly affe#t the%... Fa#(ing the !it to #ounter !ith a rapier li(e response$ su#h as$ That's all very !ell$ but !hat are you doing in %y ho%e and please e,tinguish that s%ouldering #o%post heap polluting %y air spa#e>$ Colin %erely opened his %outh a #ouple of #enti%etres !ider.

+aving the glo!ing e%bers of his #igar$ !ith vigorous enthusia%$ in Colin's general dire#tion$ he had the air of a %an !ho$ !ar%ing to his the%$ !as no! settling into his stride$ ready for the long haul. /ut do you #are ColinE =o you have any paternal feelings$ any #on#ern for their !ellbeingE Colin$ rightly assu%ing the :uestion !as rhetori#al$ said nothing. Belvyn bea%ed e,pansively. 4f #ourse you don't> <ou don't give a bugger about the% do youE -nd....... e leaned for!ard$ #onspiratorially.... +hy..... e 8abbed the air authoritatively !ith his #igar. +hy !ould youE -fter all$ they're 8ust ants aren't theyE The !ords 1o !hatE bubbled up in Colin's #ons#iousness$ but this !as no ti%e to arti#ulate su#h :ueries. Belvyn leaned ba#( !ith the air of a #elebrity la!yer !ho has 8ust finished the spee#h of their #areer !ith the !ords$ I rest %y #ase$ B'Fudd. This see%ed to present Colin !ith a perfe#t opportunity to respond !ith a #lear and #ons#ise :uery. .rr... I'% not entirely sure I follo! the point you're %a(ing...$ !as ho!ever the best he #ould %anage. -h.... /ut you !ill Colin.... <ou !ill..... *i#(ing up the TG re%ote$ Belvyn on#e again pressed a button. This ti%e a %elee of #o%%uters piling in and out of tube trains spilled a#ross the s#reen. This #ut to a half hearted debate in the ouses 4f *arlia%ent then abruptly s!it#hed again to a$ far fro% half hearted$ battle s#ene fro% a !ar fil%. The #a%era )oo%ed into a hun(y all a#tion hero as he flung his ar%s in the air$ his rifle to the ground and !as propelled ba#(!ards$ leaving !hat loo(ed li(e his intestines trailing in a gra#eful ar# through the air as he fle!. The i%age fro)e on the s#reen$ leaving !hat re%ained of the unforunate infantry%an suspended in %id air. Colin$ I !on't insult you by as(ing you if you see the #onne#tion..... This !as 8ust as !ell$ be#ause$ at this stage$ he didn't> Colin$ do you believe in a God !ho (no!s allE - father$ probably an old %an !ith a long !hite beard 7 a sort of super 1anta Claus$ that #ares for all of usE - being !ho !ill intervene on your behalf and offer you eternal salvation as your #reator$ ead%aster and$ ulti%ately$ landlord in a heavenly paradiseE 1o%eone !ho listens and responds to your self #entred !ish lists !hi#h are overly dignified !ith the !ord 0prayer'E e leaned ba#($ loo(ing li(e a 6e%brandt !ho had 8ust !al(ed into a +arhol. /ut this !as all getting a bit too deep for Colin !ho really !anted to do nothing %ore than sha(e Belvyn by the hand. Than( hi% for dropping by$ es#ort hi% off the pre%ises and then tu%ble$ alone and unpestered by any %ystery !o%en$ or theologi#al #o%ple,ities$ into his bed. This$ ho!ever$ didn't appear to be entirely #onsistent !ith Belvyn's plans.

=o you believe$ ColinE .rr... +ell..... <ou (no!$ I'% not entirely sure..... I'% sure Colin. Belvyn leaned for!ard. Bore ani%ated no!. I (no! !hat I believe. I believe the bible tells us all !e need to (no!... e too( another drag on his #igar. - long and painful silen#e ensued !hi#h$ finally$ Colin felt #o%pelled to brea(. L6eally.... It !as a fairly li%ited response$ but that !as as good as it !as going to get. <es$ Colin.... 6eally. e stared a##usatorily at Colin$ !ho in deferen#e to so%eone !ho !as #learly -lpha Bale %aterial$ dropped his ga)e. <es Colin. I (no! the ans!er. Foo( up at the night s(y. ThereHs a !hole universe out there. -nd on .arth..... +ell$ in the %illions of years there has been life here !e are but a s%all ble%ish.... - s%all$ insignifi#ant blot on the lands#ape. 4ne !hi#h !ill be !ashed a!ay by the tides of ti%e and it !ill be as if you$ %e$ .instien$ ;e!ton$ 1ha(espeare$ Desus... -s if none of the% e,isted. If there !as a God then he !ould have no %ore interest in us then !e do in ants. The idea that !e are GodHs #reations$ %ade in his i%age is a foolish$ vanity. - %indless #on#eit. -nd %y advi#e Colin is sin no! be#ause there is no 8udge%ent day. There are no *early Gates. +hen you are dead$ you're dead and !ill re%ain so for a very long ti%e indeed. "or ever in fa#t. This !as a bit of a bo%bshell. 1o if thatHs !hat you believe then$ !hy are you hereE -nd !hy are you...... +ell$ !hy are you dressed li(e that$ !ith all that... that... <ou (no!$ that *riesty stuff onE Colin !asnHt at his %ost arti#ulate$ but heHd %ade his point. Colin.... Colin.... Colin.... <ou #an believe in the po!er of religion$ !ithout believing in God. *eople need belief. They need purpose. 4ne thing the Christian #hur#h got right 7 their #ongregation are sheep They need #ontinuity. They need faith$ hope... They need a saviour and they ri#hly re!ard those !ho offer the% that. "or Colin$ a line had no! been #rossed. In a dar( and drun(en re#ess of his brain he !as sitting in front of his television in si, %onths ti%e$ !at#hing hi%self on L4ur "atherL$ or !hatever the reality TG thing that he had be#o%e part of$ !as going to be #alled. This !as obviously one of those set up s#enarios designed$ to titillate and entertain vie!ers$ !hilst %a(ing hi% loo( li(e a #o%plete di#(. +ell heHd sho! the%. +hen this !as broad#ast heHd %a(e sure he #ould hold his head high. That Belvyn is all very !ell. /ut it's late. I'% tired. -nd fran(ly....L e s!ayed a bit and$ !ith an effort %anaged to get the t!o BelvynHs sitting in front of hi% to %erge ba#( into one.

L"ran(ly$ I don't see !hat any of this has got to do !ith %e. I don't (no! !hy you're here. I don't (no! ho! you got in. /ut I do (no! I !ant you to leave. I !ant to go to bed no!.... I've had enough. If Belvyn %oved at all$ it !as only an eyebro!. LGery !ell Colin. IHll leave no!. /ut there are things you need to (no!. *erhaps this is your #han#e to %a(e the %ost of these fleeting %o%ents of being berore they lost forever. *erhaps you have been given an opportunity that you don't fully appre#iate. ;ot a gift 7 be#ause nothing in life #o%es !ithout #ost$ but an opportunity to burn %ore brightly$ albeit %ore briefly..... -nti#ipating an inter8e#tion fro% Colin$ he raised his hand. There's no need to respond. ;o need to shout. <ou have neighbours Colin. IH% sure you donHt !ant to upset the% as they see( a brief respite fro% the %undanity of their brief$ dull$ e,isten#e. It #ould be different for you Colin. If you have the #ourage to grasp this opportunity.L This spee#h rather non plussed Colin. <ou need to ta(e #ourage Colin. Ta(e #ourage. 1ooner rather than later.... 4h yes.... 1ooner rather than later. 1o saying$ he stood and$ #asso#( s!irling$ !ith slo! dignity$ leaving a trail of blue s%o(e behind hi%$ left the roo%. #hapter 11 *ainfully slo!ly$ the #o%puter s#reen in front of Duliette refreshed$ gradually revealing a for%$ %ade visually %ore interesting by the fla%es at its base !hi#h fli#(ered in an un#annily lifeli(e !ay. "urther tension !as added by the flailing li%bs of people apparently being #onsu%ed in the fire !hilst$ fro% the #o%puter's spea(ers$ the sound of a fiery #ra#(ling overlaid !ith s#rea%s of pain$ anguish and terror provided an unattra#tive soundtra#(. -nother large star$ #ontaining the !ords$4nly those !ho% the Ford forgives #an be assured of eternal rede%ption added an additional level of urgen#y to the state%ent. The for% itself see%ed to be fairly straightfor!ard & tidily and si%ply laid out. It re:uired you to input your na%e$ address$ phone nu%ber$ e&%ail address and sin Por sins@ for !hi#h rede%ption !as re:uired. /eneath that !as a spa#e for #redit #ard details and a donation$ the a%ount of !hi#h !as re:uired to be #o%%ensurate !ith the sin. Duliette %oved the %ouse around ai%lessly as the #ursor hovered over the various ele%ents of the s#reen. This felt li(e a story. - real story. The sort of story real 8ournalists 7 real ha#(s$ sniffed out$ dug around for$ resear#hed under#over$ and then published to universal a##lai%. The sort of story editors !ould bite her hand off for. - !orld a!ay fro% the prurient$ %indless$ drivel she had been s#raping fro% the botto% of a 8ournalisti# barrel for the last #ouple of years. /ut ho! to %ove it for!ardE Tal( to FenE Get the advi#e of a seasoned old ne!s houndE 1o%eone !ith a nose for lo!est #o%%on deno%inator updates fro% the gutter$ !hi#h$ in a !orld !here #hildren in the developing !orld !ere dying for the !ant of S1 a day$ see%ed to be !hat %ost people 7 readers$ editors and 8ournalists$

thought !ere the real high priority ne!s storiesE 4r go it aloneE =ig around a bit -#tually do so%e investigative 8ournalis%. Ba(e the story then brea( the story.. If she told Fen about this and he thought it had got any potential at all$ the unprin#ipled bastard !ould 8ust ni#( it and give it to one his favourite 8ournos. -nd !here !ould that leave herE /a#( to trailing around pla#es li(e the *urgatory !hi#h !as 9pper Crust 1ingles$ or resisting his entreaties to do a nude %odelling shoot$ so that she #ould !rite an insider's a##ount of - =ay +ith Be$ In The ;e!s -nd In The ;eud 4n *age Three> ;o. 1he'd hang on to this one. -nd if it %eant ra#(ing up an even bigger abyss of debt on her #redit #ard she'd ris( it. -fter all$ she s%iled ironi#ally to herself$ the !orst thing that #ould happen !as that she !ould buy herself rede%ption$ than(s to Colin ollings 7 saviour of souls> #hapter 1 Colin lay very still. It !as %orning. e (ne! it !as$ be#ause a red glo! suffused his vision through his #losed eyelids. 4utside$ the rain dru%%ed against the !indo! pane. e tried$ very gently$ to pull the duvet suffi#iently far over his side of the bed for it to$ at least$ partially #over hi%. It didn't %ove. This$ it transpired$ !as be#ause he !as a#tually lying on it. It too( a little !hile to !or( this out but$ finally establishing !hat the proble% !as$ he e%erged fro% the tangle li(e a tousled$ ragged$ butterfly fro% a poorly %ade #o#oon. e atte%pted to sit up and the roo% %oved violently. It !as i%possible that he$ and his bedroo%$ #ould both be inside a tu%ble drier$ but on the other hand 7 %aybe he !asn't so sure. The roo% rotated$ he started to s!eat and a #urious throbbing sensation began to !or( its !ay fro% the ba#( of his head$ %igrating a#ross his #ro!n$ finally #o%ing to a pulsating rest 8ust above his right eyebro!. Gery gently and slo!ly he lo!ered hi%slelf ba#( do!n and lay staring at the #eiling. - faint re#olle#tion of the evening before began to e%erge fro% the festering %ess !hi#h he !as #urrently using for a brain. e'd gone out for a drin(. e'd had several drin(s and then :uite a fe! %ore. e'd %et that girl !ho had been at 9pper Crust 1ingles.... ;o not that one. The other one that had been tapping a!ay on her /la#(berry all evening. 1o%eone had put thousands of pounds into his ban( a##ount. The girl !ho had been at 9pper Crust 1ingles.... ;o not that one. The other one that had been tapping a!ay on her /la#(berry all evening$ had gone off and left hi% at /ar Gino Gusto. e'd #o%e ba#( ho%e and the front door !as open. e !as sure that the girl !ho had been at 9pper Crust 1ingles !ould be there.... ;o not that one. The other one$ &ot the one that had been tapping a!ay on her /la#(berry all evening...... e groaned. This post ho# analysis !as all re:uiring rather %ore intelle#tual resour#e than he !as #urrently either !illing$ or able$ to #o%%it.

1till staring at the #eiling he be#a%e a!are of a very faint s%ell of s%o(e. 1tale s%o(e. 1tale #igar s%o(e..... 4f #ourse & the i#ing on the #a(e of his evening. That saintly old nutter The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper had been sitting in his ar%#hair pontifi#ating 7 spouting plu%es of s%o(e and so%e load of old religious t!addle li(e a senile train fro% so%e night%are episode of Tho%as The .vangeli#al Tan( .ngine. Colin !asn't absolutely sure e,a#tly !hat had been said$ but he thought he'd a#:uitted hi%self :uite !ell in their e,#hange. That$ in turn$ re%inded hi% of his une,pe#ted appearan#e in this$ as yet$ untitled$ unfinished$ unbroad#ast$ reality TG sho!. e #ast an eye around the roo%. There %ust be a #a%era hidden in there so%e!here. In fa#t there %ust be several. -nd %i#rophones. e !as going to have to tread a very fine line. 4n the one hand he !as (een to en8oy this. -s 6on had said$ hang on in there and go along for the ride. e !anted to en8oy the %oney. .n8oy the #o%pany of this %ystery girl. e !anted to en8oy the !hole thing... 4n the other hand though$ %a(ing a #o%plete idiot of hi%self in front of the nation's TG vie!ers !as a less attra#tive proposition & but the entire pro#ess !as going to be geared up to #hivvying$ #hasing$ te%pting and #oer#ing hi% do!n that road. e too( a deep breath$ thre! ba#( the duvet$ s!ung his legs around and sat on the edge of the bed. aving done that$ he !as pretty %u#h a spent for#e for the ne,t fe! %inutes. It !as a long ti%e sin#e a hangover of this %agnitude had !el#o%ed hi% into a ne! day and #onse:uently he !as not !ell positioned to responds #onstru#tively !hen the bedroo% door opened and a very pretty fa#e #a%e into vie!. ello darling... %ista(en. o! are you feelingE - bit !orse for !ear unless I'% very %u#h

1he !as far fro% being %ista(en. 1tartled$ Colin s:uealed li(e a nervous nun having her first orgas%. +hat are you doing hereE$ !as his$ uninspired$ greeting 1he s%iled. 4h$ #o%e on poppet. <ou (no! you're pleased to see %e really. Tu#( yourself up in bed.... I'll go and %a(e you a ni#e #up of tea and a #ouple of sli#es of toast. 1he !in(ed. 4h 7 and perhaps I0ll bring in a #ouple of para#eta%ol as !ell. The door gently #losed and Colin slu%ped ba#( do!n$ on#e again going through a #o%ple, pro#ess of futile tugging$ before finally %anaging to !or( out ho! to pull the duvet ba#( over hi%self$ both for the sa(e of !ar%th and %odesty. 1he !as ba#( in his flat. e !as in bed. 1he !as %a(ing hi% a #up of tea and a sli#e of toast. o! unfortunate that the only apparent obsta#le to his a%orous endeavours

!as the fa#t that he felt as though he !as in the final stages of so%e pe#uliarly virulent ter%inal disease. The %ain sy%pto%s of this %alaise !ere #urrently a brain turned to e,ploding #ustard$ !ith a large nail being ha%%ered into his s(ull$ a sto%a#h filled !ith an industrial strength lavatory #leaning produ#t being vigourously agitated by a po!erful food %i,er and a tongue !hi#h had been repla#ed by an in#ontinent rugby player's 8o#( strap. e #ould hear her %oving around in the (it#hen. 1inging..... *utting #ro#(ery a!ay.... 4pening the #utlery dra!.... 1he obviously (ne! !here everything !as 7 !hi#h !as %ore than he did> ;o! he #ould hear her footsteps approa#hing. The door opened$ by %eans of a rather deft use of her behind$ and in she #a%e !ith a large tray #ontaining a plate piled high !ith freshly %ade toast$ a #up of tea$ in a #up fro% a tea servi#e rather %ore refined than anything he o!ned$ and a vase #ontaining a large$ fragrant red rose. ere you are then$ you naughty boy.... 1uddenly Colin's hangover slipped do!n his priority list. Foo(. I don't !ant to appear pushy or anything. /ut !ho are youE <ou let yourself into %y flat$ you #oo( %e dinner$ you use %y sho!er and !ander around %y bedroo% in your lingerie.... ;o! you're %a(ing %e brea(fast... +hat's going onE Cautiously he sat up. +ell Colin. -re you really telling %e that %y doing any of those things is a proble%E I don't !ant to appear #on#eited$ but a lot of %en !ould be very (een to see %e in their bedroo%s and have %e #oo( their dinner as !ell> Colin lay ba#( and thought of the hidden #a%eras and %i#rophones. e thought of the people in the editing suite$ sitting around fli#(ering %onitors & i%agined their %ur%ured #onversations as they de#ided !hi#h bits of footage to broad#ast and !hi#h to leave on the #utting roo% floor. <ou're right. e pulled hi%self together. I've re#ently #o%e into loads of %oney and I'% going out to buy an -ston Bartin today. =o you !ant to #o%eE I thought !e #ould go for a drive and have dinner at the =or#hester this evening. *erhaps stay the night there. -re you freeE 1he s%iled. 4f #ourse. I thin( that !ould be fun... 1he paused. <ou (no! Colin... I thin( you're starting to get the hang of this> Gery gently she put the tray do!n ne,t to the bed. 5issed hi% on the forehead and left the roo%. The phone rang. ello Colin it's Duliette..... Duliette Cresta.. This !as in#redible. e'd got the bird fro% the telly progra%%e in the (it#hen. -nd this other one$ that he'd been out !ith last night$ !as after hi% no! as !ell. Clearly she !as having se#ond thoughts having left hi% in the lur#h last night. This !as the !ay things ought to be.

4f #ourse$ she !as in on the !hole thing. It !as part of the !ay they set these things up. Ba(e it #o%pli#ated$ absurd$ i%possible and then see ho! you rea#ted. +ell he !as on top of his ga%e. e #ould handle this. i Duliette$ ho! are you doingE <ou're turning into a bit of a 0boo%erang babe'> +here did you get to at /ar Gino Gusto the other nightE Duliette too( a deep breath. ;o! she'd a#tually #alled hi% she !as less sure !hat she to say. Colin$ !e need to tal(... This !as the %ira#le hangover #ure the !orld had been a!aiting for %illennia. "resh fro% athe su##ess of his auda#ious invitiation to the %ystery girl a #ouple of %inutes earlier$ Colin de#ided to 0go for it'. +e need to do %ore than tal( baby.... +hat are you doing to%orro!E ;ot for the first ti%e Duliette !ondered if Colin had ta(en leave of his senses$ or if he'd 8ust al!ays been a borderline 0nutter'. o!ever$ on balan#e$ it didn't really %atter. +hat did %atter !as that he !as her ti#(et to a story that Fen !ould pay generously for. - ti#(et that !ould enable her to pay the %ortgage$ buy so%e food$ sto#(pile several #rates of !ine and pay for a %onth's supply of =unhill International. It had been a %ista(e to pani# and !al( a!ay last night. 1he needed this story. 1he needed the %oney and$ as a #onse:uen#e$ she needed to string Colin along until her si%ple ob8e#tive had been %et. +ell Colin. -s it happens I'% free all day to%orro!$ so it !ould be very ni#e to #at#h up. +hat had you got in %indE Colin had got no idea !hat he'd got in %ind. +ell... I don't (no! :uite (no! yet. Give %e a #all to%orro!. +e'll !or( so%ething out... Duliette resisted$ 8ust$ the te%pation to hang up. 45$ a story !as a story. /ut !hy did it have to involve a #o%plete plon(er li(e Colin ollingsE I'll tell you !hat Colin$ !hy don't !e %eet up at /ar Gino Gusto again. -bout eightE *erhaps !e #ould have a bite to eat thereE$ she snarled. 4h right.... <es... Good idea. <ou're not going to #lear off and leave %e on %y o!n again though are youE Colin laughed$ sounding$ rather !orryingly$ as though he !ere faintly de%ented. Duliette de#lined to ans!er the :uestion. To%orro! at eight then. =on't be late. /ye 1he put the phone do!n and #ounted$ very slo!ly$ to a hundred. #hapter 1! It !as an hour later. Colin !as out of bed and en route to a truly %e%orable day 7 he hoped>

I'% sorry Colin$ but you #annot turn up to buy a #ar li(e an -ston Bartin !earing those #lothes and driving that... That interesting assort%ent of !orn out spare parts !hi#h you$ rather a%bitiously in %y vie!$ des#ribe as your #ar. Colin stood ne,t to his$ ad%ittedly tired loo(ing #hariot$ leaning for!ard$ (ey e,tended as he rea#hed to unlo#( the passenger door for his enig%ati# #o%panion. e turned and loo(ed$ his e,pression a %i,ture of surprise and !ounded pride. 45 it !as old... It !as rusty and s#ruffy.... It !as noisy and unreliable.... /ut surely that didn't really %atter... +ell so !hatE I'% the #usto%er aren't IE The #usto%er's al!ays rightE I don't see !hy I should !orry !hat so%e 8u%ped up #ar sales%an thin(s of %e..... .spe#ially if I've got the %oney to buy so%ething better$ that they're selling. They !ant %y #ash don't theyE They need %e %ore than I need the%E 1he !agged a finger playfully at hi%. Colin... That's not the attitude. <ou %ust al!ays be a!are of !hat people are thin(ing. -l!ays loo( to %a(e the right i%pression. It's part of ta(ing #ontrol of your life. =on't forget$ if you don't ta(e #ontrol of it so%eone else !ill$ perhaps not in a !ay that you !ould !ant. 1o #o%e along$ do as you're told and go and get #hanged. 1he !aved her hands in a 0shooing' %otion. <ou (no! I'% right 7 don't you... ;o! hurry up and !e'll go in %y #ar shall !eE Colin stared. +hat sort of #ar have you got thenE 4h 8ust a little run around. 4ff you go no!$ there's a good boy. 6ather sheepishly$ Colin turned and started to trudge ba#( to his flat. e !asn't entirely sure ho! he had #o%e to be in this position$ but at this stage !as %erely grateful that she hadn't told hi% to %a(e sure he !ashed behind his ears. -nd don't forget to !ash behind your ears>>> This un!el#o%e instru#tion !as follo!ed by footsteps and a playful s%a#( on his bu%. Turning he sa! she !as standing ne,t to hi%. 4n refle#tion$ let's be honest Colin. +hatever you drag out fro% the dan($ dar( re#esses of that verti#al #offin in your bedroo% you #all your !ardrobe$ you're not going to find anything re%otely suitable. I (no!$ I've loo(ed in there> 1he handed hi% a s%all$ re#tangular pie#e of plasti#. It had his na%e on it and a very long nu%ber above !hi#h !ere the !ords$ 0*latinu% .lite Be%ber'. e turned it over$ then turned it ba#( again. +hat's thisE 1he raised her eyebro!s. This Colin is a #redit #ard. They're :uite useful you (no!. They've been around for a fe! years no!. I'% surprised you haven't seen one beforeE 1o%eho! Colin had lost ground. -s al!ays$ he !asn't entirely sure ho! it had happened$ but on#e again he had effortlessly %igrated fro% being a 0Da#( the lad'$ going out to buy an -ston Bartin !ith a beautiful girl to a %u%bling$ inept

adolos#ent being bossed around by a (indly$ but fir%$ tea#her 7 albeit the (ind of tea#her fro% !hi#h s#hoolboy fantasies are #onstru#ted. +ell$ no.... I %ean$ of #ourse I've seen one before.... Dust not one li(e this.... -nd it's got %y na%e on it as !ell... 1he put her ar% around hi% and dre! hi% to her #onspiratorially. *utting her rather lovely %outh ne,t to his ear$ she !hispered$ That's be#ause it's yours Colin. ;ot %any people do see #ards li(e this. .spe#ially not ones !ith their na%e on the%. Fittle bits of plasti# li(e these are a teeny !eeny bit on the e,#lusive side you (no!. Colin didn't (no!.... In fa#t this !as 8ust the ne,t in a long line of things he !as starting to realise he didn't (no!. <es but.... it.... e #onsidered ho! best to fra%e the :uestion. .... !hy have you got

1he !hispered in his ear again. I haven't Colin. <ou have. Fet's go and use it> 1o saying$ she pressed a button on the #ar (eys in her hand and pointed the% in the general dire#tion of a ne!$ obviously e,pensive and rather sporty loo(ing /entley #onvertable. The indi#ators flashed. The doors unlo#(ed !ith a satisfying #lun(. -nd the roof pi#(ed itself up$ pa#(ed itself a!ay and popped the lid do!n neatly on the area in !hi#h it had sto!ed itself. +ith a do#ility$ !hi#h see%ed to be his trade%ar( of late$ he allo!ed hi%self to be dragged a#ross the #ar par( and gently propelled into the passenger seat. The engine burbled into life$ then gave a spirited roar as she blipped the throttle. old on to your hat Colin... The ba#( !heels span. The rear of the #ar sle!ed to one side. - s%ell of burning rubber drifted up fro% so%e!here behind . Then$ an invisible giant's hand pun#hed hi% in the #hest$ for#ed hi% ba#( in his seat and pulled the s(in on his fa#e so hard Colin half e,pe#ted his nose to be per%anently relo#ated to the ba#( of his head. The s#enery started %oving alar%ingly. +here are !e goingE$ he 8ust about %anaged to #roa(. 1he turned and loo(ed at Colin over the top of a very stylish pair of sunglasses. +e$ Colin$ are going to go and get you so%e de#ent #lothes so that$ !hen people's eyes are dra!n to this #ar$ as they inevitably !ill be & it is a bit of a #ro!d puller you (no!$ they don't i%%ediately assu%e that$ for reasons best (no!n to %yself$ I have (idnapped a s#are#ro! and a% driving it around to!n. Then$ to Colin's intense relief$ she refo#ussed her ga)e on the road ahead$ s!erved to avoid a la%p post$ !hi#h had loo(ed as though it !as about to get rather %ore inti%ate !ith the% than !as good for their health$ and turned the radio on. 1itting :uietly ba#( and slo!ly rela,ing$ for the ne,t t!enty %inutes or so$ Colin en8oyed the ride. "or t!enty %inutes after that he began to be#o%e a little restless. -nother t!enty %inutes and he !as starting to get the feeling that he perhaps ought to ta(e a rather %ore a#tive interest in their destination. =on't you !ant to (no! !here !e're going ColinE

+ell yes$ a#tually I !as starting to !onder. +e$ Colin$ are going to get you so%e #lothes. Isn't there so%e!here !e #ould have gone that !as a bit #loser to ho%eE ;ot for the sort of things that you need Colin. +e're going to %eet Dustin. e's a 0*ersonal =resser'. <ou give hi% a brief and he'll find the #lothes and a##essories to %a(e you the 0you' that you !ant to be. 1he pushed her sunglasses up onto her forehead. -nd %ore to the point$ %a(e you the 0you' that I'd prefer you to be> 1o saying$ she initiated a rather daring and unindi#ated right turn$ ble! a (iss at the ta,i driver !ho had s#ree#hed to a halt $ thus preventing a bloody and e,pensive pile up$ and entered an i%posing drive!ay !hi#h led up to an e:ually i%posing$ large$ deta#hed house. -s the #ar dre! to a halt$ a s%all$ portly %an e%erged$ !aving #heerfully$ e !as balding$ !ith large$ o!l li(e glasses$ purple #ordoroy flairs$ yello! t&shirt and large$ very shiny$ bla#($ =o#tor Barten boots. ;e,t to hi% a s%all dog 7 also !earing purple #ordoroy flairs and a yello! t&shirt$ although rather %ore hirsute and !ith apparently better eyesight 7 or$ any rate$ !ithout the large glasses$ leapt up and do!n$ yapping e,#itedly. ;esta$ darling... 1o ni#e to see you again. he #ould see of Colin. e #ast a disdainful eye over !hat little

Colin$ %ean!hile loo(ed at his #o%panion. +ith the understated assuran#e of a t!enty first #entury 1herlo#( ol%es$ he yelped$ -ha 7 so that's your na%e then> ;esta> 1he s%iled %aternally at hi%. .le%entary %y dear +atson. <ou #an #all %e ;esta if you li(e. Fot's of other people do. ;ot all though. It's not !hat %y parents Christened %e$ nor is it one of the na%es %ost of the people !ho (no! %e use. /ut I'% very happy for you to #all %e that. 1he bit her lo!er lip and raised her eyebro!s. I suppose$ on refle#tion$ she #ontinued$ .... you have to #all %e so%ething$ don't you> The sound of large$ thi#( soled$ %etal studded boots$ #run#hing a#ross the gravel of the drive brought that phase of Colin's #onversation !ith his %ystery girlfriend to an end. e had$ by no!$ e%erged fro% the #ar and !as standing on the drive$ loo(ing li(e a da)ed$ ne!ly hat#hed$ du#(ling. Dustin put his hands on Colin's shoulders$ t!irling hi% around li(e a #ha%pion 1alsa dan#er. 1o$ ;esta$ s!eetie... This is your friend !ith fashion dysle,iaE e fro!ned. <es darling 7 I see no! that it %ust be. -nd a %u#h !orse #ase than you'd led %e to believe. e bent do!n and pi#(ed up the still yapping dog$ putting his hands over its eyes. =on't loo( "ifi. It's not a pretty sightE ;esta s%iled. 4h #o%e on Dustin. e's not a #o%pletely hopeless #ase. -nd by the ti%e you've !or(ed your %agi# on hi% he'll be a ne! %an. Dustin !as running the fabri# of the #ollar on Colin's polo shirt bet!een his finger and thu%b !ith an e,pression !hi#h !as a #o%ple, #o%bination of pity and #onte%pt.

<es %y love. e'll be a ne! %an 7 and IE I shall be a spent for#e. =rained$ debilitated$ dragged do!n$ destroyed and in terrible need of a drin(. =arling$ you are as(ing %e to do the fashion e:uivalent of #li%bing Bount .verest in R hours$ na(ed and !ith both hands tied behind %y ba#(. 0 e's beige darling. /eige nylon. Foo( at hi%... If he !ere a %odel$ the only !ay he'd be allo!ed on the #at!al( !ould be if he !as s!eeping it. e loo(s li(e a sa#( of ferrets tied up in the %iddle !ith a pie#e of string ... -nd you ;esta$ you !ant %e to turn hi% into =avid /e#(ha% by giving hi% different trousers$ a ne! shirt and a pair of Chelsea /oots. =arling it !ould ta(e a %ira#le.... It #an't be done. e #li#(ed his fingers i%periously in Colin's general dire#tion. I repeat$ it #an't be done.... .,#ept by a genius... "ollo! %e..... Colin loo(ed at ;esta. 1he !in(ed. "ollo! hi%.... +hi#h is !hat$ !ith so%e apprehension$ is e,a#tly !hat he did. Thirty %inutes later a large$ #ru%pled$ pile of fabri# bore testi%ony to the fa#t that Colin had tried on tight trousers$ loose trousers$ shirts !ith ties$ shirts !ithout ties$ shirts !ithout #ollars$ shirts !ithout sleeves$ 8a#(ets !ithout shirts$ shorts !ithout shoes$ shoes !ithout so#(s and !as no! finally standing in front of a full length %irror ad%iring a rather dis#rete$ understated loo( of sartorial$ although #asual$ elegan#e !hi#h in#luded a full #o%ple%ent of$ shirt$ shoes$ so#(s$ tie$ trousers$ 8a#(et and.... I'% really not sure about the hat... Dustin$ loo(ed up fro% the floor. 4n his (nees in front of Colin. Bouth full of pins$ as he ad8usted the he% of the trousers he had deter%ined that Colin !as going to !ear. If !hat you !ere sure about !as the only #riteria !e !ere going to #onsider !hen dressing you then you'd still be loo(ing li(e +or)el Gu%%idge$ !as ho! Colin$ rightly$ interpreted the %u%bled reply. *ossible repsonses to Dustin's$ rather harsh opinion$ failed to float into his %ind. /ut fortunately a distra#tion spared both of the% the in#onvien#e of sustaining this #onversation. - sound li(e the start of a "or%ula 1 ra#e rattled the !indo!s$ blasted his eardru%s and #aused a s%all$ ugly$ but probably very old and even %ore e,pensive$ vase to !obblingly %igrate to the edge of the %antlepie#e and plu%%et to destru#tion. Fined up on the gravel outside !ere si, shiny$ slee( -ston Bartins. -rranged in neat for%ation they roared no longer$ but purred li(e a par(ed pride of pa%pered lions. I thought it %ight be :ui#(er and %ore #onvenient to arrange for the 0%ountain to #o%e to Baho%%ed'. ;esta !aved a hand e,pansively to!ard the still passively purring playthings. +hi#h one do you fan#y ColinE Colin fan#ied all of the%. 4h$ I don't (no!... *erhaps the !hite one on the left... e atte%pted$ vainly$ to hide his over!hel%ing #onfusion !ith a rather feeble atte%pt at non#halan#e. 4r the blue one on the right.... ;esta flung open the !indo!$ inserted her fingers into her %outh and gave a !histle li(e an attention see(ing strea% train. 45 boys... +e'll ta(e the ver%illion one. Than(s very %u#h...

1he #losed the !indo! and turned to Colin. It's %y favourinte #olour$ she e,plained. Colin tried to appear non#halant. 4h$ that's 45. I li(e green........ #hapter 1" I lied to %y partner....... ;o. Too ta%e. I hit %y partner.... ;o.... It !as true and$ she refle#ted$ heHd had it #o%ing to hi%.... The bastard> 4f #ourse it !as !rong. -nd$ yes$ she (ne! she shouldn't have done it. /ut$ neverthelesss$ !ha#(ing hi% round the fa#e !ith a frying pan hadn't really been a %a8or transgression fro% the paths of rightousness$ !arranting #onfession and pay%ent to the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth in return for forgiveness. Duliette stared at the s#reen. The #ursor flashed hypnoti#ally. +hat a depressing indi#ator of the pau#ity of her life that she #ouldn't even identify a %eaningful sin to #onfess to. I stole fro% %y...... This !as ridi#ulous. 1urely she #ould do better thatn this. 1he !as a !riter. 1he lived off her i%agination. o! hard #ould it be to %a(e up so%e sin to dig out %ore infor%ation about this rather odd se#t that see%ed to regard Colin as its saviour. I used rusty piano !ire to tie %y partner's s#rotu% to a #offee grinder and left it s!it#hed on for three hours..... *erhaps that !as a step too far. Though$ God (no!s$ the bastard !ould have deserved it. /ut all this stuff !as three years ago no!. 1he really needed to %ove on. 4n the other hand ..... .....-nd I set fire to his pubes$ she added as an afterthought. ;o> ;o> ;o> It !as all pond&life stuff. If you !ere buying rede%ption you %ight as !ell get your %oney's !orth. Invest%ents !hi#h offered a payoff for all eternity !ere pretty thin on the ground 7 so !hy not go for it. I (illed %y partner. 1he sat ba#( and loo(ed at the !ords on the s#reen. That !as %ore li(e it. +ith a flourish$ she #li#(ed de#isively on the button %ar(ed I Confess. -l%ost i%%ediately$ her #o%puter triu%phantly e%itted a 8oyful rendition of the allelu8ah Chorus. This !as the !ay it infor%ed her that an e&%ail had arrived. Grabbing the %ouse$ !ith a for#efulness that !arranted a #o%plaint to the 61*C-$ she opened her In /o,. It #ontained an i%pressively pro%pt response fro% the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth.

1he #li#(ed on it. -t the top of the #o%%uni#ation !as a large i%age of a saintly$ yet severe$ loo(ing old boy$ resplendent in %auve$ gold and red *riestly garb$ holding a large$ shiny #ross !hi#h loo(ed as though it !ould ta(e your eye out if you put your fa#e too #lose to the s#reen. The ba#(ground to the pi#ture !as an angry$ grey$ #loudy$ evening s(y$ split asunder by a 8agged bolt of lightning. To the left$ seated on a gravestone$ a large$ vi#ious$ bird of prey$ !ith a bea( that loo(ed as though it #ould #asually dise%bo!el an un!ary T!it#her :ui#(er than you #ould say$'lun#heon is served'$ glo!ered %ena#ingly. <ou have #onfessed. /ut do you 6.*.;TE Farge letters$ in a Gothi# typefa#e$ de%anded an ans!er. /eneath$ in s%aller letters #a%e the detail. I have #onfessed to %urdering %y partner. I truly repent and understand that$ for eternal rede%ption$ I %ust pay the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth the su% of QI000?00. I authorise this a%ount to be ta(en fro% %y #redit #ard. I also understand that %y right to eternal rede%ption !ill be per%anently revo(ed should I reveal any details of this transa#tion to a third party and I !ill be inevitably #onde%ned to the fires of ell in perpetuity. I truly (no! and believe that e (no!s all and is !at#hing %e..... /eneath this rather stern te,t !as a for% !here you !ere able to insert details of your #redit #ard$ then$ in s%all letters at the very botto% of the s#reen$ !ere the !ords$ 0This is an auto%ated response. *lease not do not reply to this e&%ail.' Duliette leaned ba#(. "ive thousand pounds did see% rather e,orbitant for a sin she hadn't a#tually #o%%itted. 4n the other hand though$ this !as an i%portant part of the story 7 and surely she'd be able to get it ba#( on#e Fen had plastered the sordid details all over the front page of The 1outhern Beteor and sold it on to the nationals. /esides 7 as the old adage put it$ 0<ou have to spe#ulate to a##u%ulate>' -t least this !ould give her so%ething to tal( to Colin about !hen she %et hi% to%orro! evening at /ar Gino Gusto> #hapter 11 The ne,t evening$ Duliette arrived at /ar Gino Gusto early. It !asn't$ ho!ever$ be#ause she !as so (een to %eet !ith Colin that she #ouldn't bear to %iss the opportunity to be !ith hi% as soon as he arrived. This !as business. It !as %ost definitely not pleasure. It !as a 8ob. -n assign%ent. - story. -nd it %ight$ it 8ust %ight$ be the turning point in her #areer.

It !as also the shortest day. "ro% no! on the days !ould be getting longer and !ar%er. It felt li(e a good o%en. /ut right no!$ she needed to get #loser to Colin. To better understand !hat %ade hi% ti#(. Get a handle on !hat his relationship !as !ith the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth. "ind out !hat this #redit #ard rede%ption s#a% !as. -ll the above #onstituted a fairly for%idable$ 0things to do' list and if she !as to be able to ti#( the% off as #o%pletely$ :ui#(ly and #o%prehensively as she hoped to$ she !as going to have to %a(e hi% !ant to spend %ore ti%e !ith her. To trust her. 1he #aught a gli%pse of herself in one of the large$ and rather grubby$ %irrors hanging on the !all opposite$ pausing to as( herself !hether she had perhaps overdone it again$ in her efforts to use fe%inine #har% as a %eans of ensnaring Colin. *erhaps$ she refle#ted$ in her desire to attra#t and %aintain Colin's attention she had left undone a fe! too %any of those things she ought not to have left undone 7 na%ely the top four buttons of her blouse. In fa#t$ to be bruatally fran($ it loo(ed as though she'd got t!o infants$ snoo)ing #o%fortably inside her blouse$ !ith unusually large$ shiny and very bald heads !hi#h !ere protruding eye #at#hingly out of her top. "u%bling to do up a fe! of$ the %any$ undone buttons on her blouse$ she observed a s%all$ #on#ave$ red oval ob8e#t ping off her finger then tra#e a gra#eful ar# into her !ine glass. "urther$ feverish$ button fu%bling$ resulting in a feeling rather li(e a 1%artie !or(ing its !ay do!n her #leavage. aving no! lost a false nail$ a button fro% her blouse and her #o%posure$ it #a%e as no surprise to Duliette that the door opened and in !al(ed Colin. e$ in depressingly star( #ontrast to her o!n$ deteriorating #ondition$ !as %ore #onfident and better dressed than last ti%e they'd %et. Cat#hing sight of her bea%ing s%ile of !el#o%e in the %irror$ she noted that several of her teeth appeared to have a lu,urient s%earing of lipsti#(. er #onse:uent atte%pts to %aintain the bea%ing s%ile$ !hilst #on#ealing the lipsti#( #oated teeth$ resulted in a rather unattra#tively lop sided snarl that #ould %a(e the #asual observer suspe#t she had suffered a %ild stro(e. ello Colin. 1he flung her ar%s around hi%$ planting a vigorous s%a#(er on his #hee($ leaving a #ri%son s(id %ar( a#ross his fa#e !hi#h #ould have passed for a very respe#table dualing s#ar. +ithdra!ing :ui#(ly she felt a strange tension on the front of her$ already straining$ blouse and !as alar%ed to see that she !as #on8oined !ith Colin. is tie pin had lodged itself in her$ still gaping$ blouse and no! his ne#(!ear for%ed an elegant sil( bridge bet!een the%. -llo! %e.... Colin's hands !ere already %oving to!ard the site of the entangle%ent. 1he %ost #ertainly !asn't going to 0allo!' hi% and$ !ithout pause for refle#tion$ she too( a hasty step ba#($ 8ust resisting the te%ptation to slap hi% round the fa#e. Then she stared !ith so%e irritation at the tie pin$ !hi#h$ no! deta#hed fro% its o!ner's tie$ !as protuding ra(ishly fro% her #leavage. This !asn't going to be easy.

Grasping the bull by the horns she e,tri#ated the offending bit of 8e!elry$ handing it to Colin. ;e,t she than(ed God that the violinist$ !ith a tune for every %isfortune$ !as off duty that evening and therefore !as not laun#hing into a ra#y rendition of so%e suitably inappropriate ditty$ su#h as 0Dune is busting out all over>'. That done$ she sat do!n$ too( a very large s!ig of !ine and said$ This hasn't got off to a terribly good start has itE Colin ho!ever see%ed to be re%ar(ably #al%. Fi(e the even #al%er$ big brother of the boy !ho had$ 0stood on the burning de#('$ he unhurriedly repla#ed the tie #lip$ poured hi%self a drin( and sat do!n. 4f #ourse$ there !as a ti%e !hen an episode li(e this !ould have had hi% redu#ed to a gibbering !re#(. elpless under the assault of the slings and arro!s of outrageous fortune$ bobbing li(e a #or( on the sea of troubles. /ut not no!. This !as all so si%ple and predi#table. 4f #ourse it !as all set up for this reality TG thing. *oor old Duliette !as doing her best$ but she and the produ#ers %ust be !ondering !hat they had to do to %a(e hi% loo( li(e the (ind of di#(head that !as re:uired for this for% of entertain%ent to !or(. e raised his glass. Cheers Duliette$ here's to plenty %ore 0Carry 4n' %o%ents li(e that one 7 a s%all pri#e to pay for providing %ass entertain%ent to the !at#hing !orld> There$ that should sho! the% he'd ru%bled the%. -lthough$ on refle#tion$ %aybe he needed to be %ore subtle. -fter all$ he !as en8oying this and !asn't yet ready to give up the %oney$ the #ar and the girls. Duliette stared at hi% for a se#ond. e #learly !as %ad. -nd probably dangerous too. Baybe she should have let Fen (no! !here she !as.... 1till$ there !as no point in having a fit of the vapours no!. 1he !as a tough$ hard nosed 8ourno !ith a 8ob to do. 1he needed to be fir%. 1he needed to find out about Colin and the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth Colin. I really don't (no! !ho$ or !hat you are tal(ing about. I 8ust thought it !ould be ni#e to have a #hat over a drin( or t!o. Tell %e no!.... 1he gave hi% a long$ lingering and$ fran(ly rather las#ivious loo(. Colin$ are you religiousE .... Tell %e

That hadn't #o%e out right at all. It al%ost sounded li(e a veiled threat. - s%all voi#e in her head pointed out to her$ slo!ly and in !ords of one syllable$ that she !as a #o%plete %oron and that$ if she set the 8ournalisti# bar any lo!er$ she'd trip over it. 1he tried again. +hat I %eant to say Colin !as$ you see% different to the !ay you !ere !hen !e first %et and I !ondered if things had #hanged for you in so%e !ay or other.... er voi#e tailed off. This !as so !ea(.

"ortunately$ ho!ever$ Colin didn't re:uire too %u#h subtlety and sophisti#ation. To hi%$ it !as all so obvious. This !as 8ust another$ rather pitiful$ atte%pt to get hi% to loo( li(e a #o%plete buffoon. -nother set up. -nother #ontrived situation$ engineered to give those guys in the editing suite so%e good footage of hi% %a(ing a fool of hi%self in a !ine bar !ith so%e bi%bo !ho had$ !hat loo(ed li(e$ a #ouple of bea#h balls stuffed do!n the front of her blouse. -t least !ith ;esta he got a #ar$ so%e de#ent #lothes and loads of %oney> 1till$ it !as all a lot %ore fun than the dull$ dull days before$ !hen the highlight of his !ee( !as a pint !ith arry and 6on do!n at 9pper Crust 1ingles. e'd better put so%e effort into this 7 for all he (ne! there !as so%e (ind of 0voting off' pro#ess. e probably needed to do so%ething vaguely interesting to earn the right to re%ain involved in this panto%i%e. Feaning ba#($ pontifi#ating and %a(ing a$ largely unsu##essful effort$ to %anage his ga)e high enoughs to avoid holding a #onversation e,#lusively !ith Duliette's #hest he responded slo!ly and thoughtfully. -% I religiousE +hat a strange :uestionE I believe in religion. In the po!er of religion... e paused and thought$ !ith an innner s%ir($ 0Christ I'% starting to sound li(e that old tosser Belvyn'. This !as fun. e pi#(ed up his !ine glass$ and too( %editative s!ig 7 !hy not 0play to the gallery' on this.... Fet %e as( you a :uestion Duliette. +ho needs !ho %oreE =o !e need a God or does God need usE Duliette !asn't sure. +ell Colin. %u#h... I suppose I don't really (no!. It's not so%ething I thin( about

Colin !as on a roll no!. -nd ho! %any of us do DulietteE o! %any of us give it any real thought at allE -fter all$ it only en#o%passses the %ost interesting and i%portant :uestions any of us #ould as(> +hat happens to us !hen !e dieE =oes it %atter if I lead a good life or a bad lifeE +hat happens if you believe in no God or the !rong GodE /ut$ even if there !as a God$ !hy !ould he$ she or it have any interest in usE -re !e interested in... e re#alled the =G= that Belvyn had sho!n hi% that night !hen he'd returned ho%e to his flat$ drun($ e,pe#ting to see ;esta$ and had been #onfronted by the Gery 6eveend Belvyn *iper$ s%o(ing bonfire li(e #igars in his living roo%. ....-re !e interested in the !elfare of antsE 4f ba#teriaE -nd if$ by so%e s%all #han#e$ so%e!here$ so%eho!$ so%e (ind of God did e,ist and !as interested in us 7 !ould that be good a good thingE Duliette !as a bit ta(en aba#( by this onslaught. 0Fi(e flies unto !anton boys are !e to the Gods. They (ill us for their sport...$ she %ur%ured$ self #ons#iously. This !as all getting to be a bit %u#h. ;o! though$ suddenly$ she realised that !hat she !anted... ;o !hat she needed$ %ore than anything else$ !as to be ta(ing a deep and lu,uriant drag on a filter tip. "eeling s%o(e pour into her lungs$ i%%ediately follo!ed by a sense of %ore rela,ed !ell being.

1orry Colin. <ou'll have to e,#use %e. It's a disgusting habit$ I (no!$ but I really %ust go outside for a #igarette. +ill you e,#use %e for a %inuteE *i#(ing up her handbag she tottered to!ard the door. It !ould all be far easier to deal !ith on#e she'd topped up her ni#otene levels. -nd she !as right. It !as. 6e&entering the bar$ su#(ing a pepper%int$ a #ouple of %inutes later$ she felt ready for anything. -nything that is apart fro% the realisation that Colin didn't appear to be there. +ith a rising feeling of apprehension that this !as so%e (ind of infantile tit for tat response to her pre%ature departure last ti%e she and Colin had been here$ she sat ba#( do!n$ fingers dru%%ing agitatedly on the table$ loo(ing i%patiently at her !at#h every thirty se#onds. This !as getting desperate. e !as her story$ her lifeline$ her big #han#e$ her pay #he:ue> -nd he'd vanished. 5no#(ing on the door of the Gents and as(ing in a loud$ sibilant$ !hisper$ Is that you ColinE -re you in thereE had only resulted an a%iable drun( opening the door and saying$ ;o he's not here$ but #o%e on in any!ay$ I'll be his stunt double> 1ta%ping her feet petulantly !ouldn't help 7 but an over!hel%ing need to do so$ out!eighed the de%ands of irelevent trivialities su#h as the di#tates of logi#. 1he sta%ped her feet. *etulanantly. "eeling slightly better$ returning to the table they had o##upied$ she sat do!n$ finished her !ine and then$ on i%pulse$ got out her %obile and #alled Colin. The phone rang a #ouple of ti%es. /ut$ 8ust as she e,pe#ted it to go through to voi#e %ail$ the ringing #eased. o!ever$ instead of Colin saying so%ething irritatingly uninspired$ li(e ello$ it's Colin here$ !hi#h !as going to be her #ue to say so%ething along the lines of$ +here are you and !hat on earth do thin( you're playing atE$ all she #ould hear !as a lot of rustling. This !as follo!ed by so%e grunting$ that sounded li(e the soundtra#( of a lo! budget porno %ovie and a voi#e$ that !asn't Colin's$ saying$ 1hall !e brea( his legs to stop hi% doing a runner your holinessE - %u%bled reply$ then the first voi#e spo(e again. Co%e on no! Dohn /arley#orn 7 it's harvest ti%e for you> Then the phone !ent dead. Duliette put her %obile do!n thoughtfully. 1urely this !as i%possible. Could he really have been abdu#tedE If he had$ %aybe this !as really 0it'. This !as the story. -nd it !as big. Gery big.......

In fa#t$ it !as starting to feel un#o%fortably big.... 1#arily big... =angerously big. -#tually 7 i%possibly$ gargantuanly$ ginor%ously$ stupefyingly big> -nd !hat should she doE +ell$ obviously the first$ and %ost pressing priority$ !as to pi#( up her !ine glass$ go outside and have another #igarette. /eyond that her planning !as a little ha)y. It !asn't that there !as a la#( of options. Nuite the #ontrary 7 in fa#t there !ere far too %any. 4n#e outside$ %entally she developed a list? Call the *oli#e... o -dvantages? It %ight save Colin's life It !ould enable her to abdi#ate all responsibility for the adventure's out#o%e 7 good or bad Fen !ould be vilely livid 1he !ould lose her #areer #hanging story 1he !ould also lose her 8ob$ her in#o%e$ her house......

o =isadvantages?

"ind Colin and res#ue hi% o -dvantages 1he !ould be a hero 1he !ould have a great story This !ould 8ust be the start of a rapid as#ent up the ladder of a fantasti# 8ournalisti# #areer 1he didn't have a #lue !here he !as /y the ti%e she found hi% he %ight be dead 1he !as s#ared 1he didn't (no! !here to start 1he !as also$ she noted$ e,haling a plu%e of s%o(e and assiduouslys#rutinising her suddenly e%pty glass$ if not drun($ then #ertainly over the drin( C drive li%it -dvantages It solved %ost of her i%%ediate proble%s It #o%pounded all the others =isadvantages

o =isadvantages

o Go ba#( into /ar Gino Gusto and order another bottle of !ine

It !as a #old$ #lear evening and she !as shivering. 6e&entering the bar she strode purposefully up to the #ounter. - strong bla#( #offee please. It %ight not sober her up$ but at least it !ould %ean she !as drun( and a!a(e. This !as obviously #onne#ted to the entrepenurial a#tivities of the 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth. /ut ho! and !hyE 1he thought about that last$ eavesdropped$ #onversation she had heard !hen she #alled Colin's %obile. Co%e on no! Dohn /arley#orrn 7 it's harvest ti%e for you> That !as !hat they'd said. =istra#tedly she pi#(ed up her %obile and typed Dohn /arley#orn into Google. - dis#on#ertingly long list :ui#(ly asse%bled itself on the s%all s#reen$ !hi#h$ as she leaned for!ard to study it$ illu%inated her fa#e li(e a nun$ (neeling in prayer #onte%plating a #andle. - #ouple of taps on the s#reen and the rese%blan#e to a nun ended as she leaned ba#( and !hispered$ 4h> "u#(ing hell> .... in pri%itive ti%es$ a %ale !as sele#ted to be given the title 0Dohn /arlay#orn' and per%itted to live li(e a (ing for a pros#ribed period of ti%e. -t the end of that period he !ould be sa#rifi#ed$ the flo!ing of his blood atoning for the sins of his #o%%unity... #hapter 12 It's not very #o%fortable travelling in the boot of a #ar. .spe#ially if you've been roughly %anhandled into it by a #ouple of unseen assailants$ your hands are tied behind your ba#($ your %outh has been taped up$ your feet have been bound !ith so%ething that feels a bit li(e barbed !ire and you're blindfolded. The s%ell of petrol !as %a(ing Colin feel si#($ !hi#h should have been %ore of a distra#tion fro% all his other a#hes and pains than it a#tually !as. e boun#ed around li(e a single penny in a #hild's %oney bo,$ o##assionally banging his head on !hat felt li(e an i#e pi#(. This portfolio of proble%s !as #o%pounded by the driver apparently %otoring !ith undue speed along$ !hat appeared to be$ the longest$ %ost hair pin bend infested and shoddily #obbled street in /ritain. o!ever s#ary this !as though$ he #ould ta(e so%e #o%fort fro% the thought that even Channel K !ould be in terrible trouble !ith the 6egulator if they resorted to in#luding the thrill of a 0snuff %ovie' to their television reality sho!s.... -nd !hat !as going to happen ne,tE e'd probably be bundled out of the #ar and ta(en to so%e (ind of hall$ or theatre. 4n#e there the blindfold !ould be re%oved and he !ould find hi%self literally in the spotlight$ surrounded by a lively audien#e$ TG #a%eras and so%e young hottie in a short s(irt$ sti#(ing a %i#rophone in his fa#e$ as(ing hi% ho! he felt$ no! that all !as revealed.

Then they'd sho! so%e of the #landestine video they'd ta(en of hi%. *eople li(e Duliette Cresta$ The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper$ 0"irst igh *riest 4f The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth'$ the lovely ;esta...... They'd all troop onto the stage$ revealing the%selves to be a#tors and saying ho! hard it !as to (eep a straight fa#e during their en#ounters !ith hi%. -nd he !ould stand there$ an e,pression of !ry a%use%ent on his fa#e. =ignified$ but not s%ug$ se#ure in the (no!ledge that he had seen through it fro% the outset. -d%ittedly$ it had been a bit s#ary !hen they'd dragged hi% out the Gents at /ar Gino Gusto. -nd they had been rather rougher !ith hi% than !as stri#tly ne##essary. /ut still$ on balan#e$ he !as starting to realise that there !as only one thing !orse than having so%ething une,pe#ted happen & and that !as a #ontinual re&serving of the ordinary. The #ar rolled and rattled on. +herever they !ere ta(ing hi% see%ed to be an inordinately long !ay a!ay and$ after a !hile$ the #o%bination of boredo%$ the s%ell of petrol and the$ ad%ittely less than soothing$ %otion of the #ar$ ground hi% do!n to a point !here he fell into an uneasy state so%e!here bet!een torpor$ #o%a and sleep. e !as roused fro% a series of vivid and thouroughly unpleasant drea%s by the sound of the boot opening and the feeling that he !as being grabbed si%ultaneiously by a #ouple of$ very strong$ bovver booted o#topusses !ho !ere in a bit of a hurry. Co%e on then Dohn /arlay#orn. 4ut you #o%e.... +hy did they (eep #alling hi% that. It see%ed an odd$ al%ost ar#hai#$ #hoi#e of na%e. 1till$ it's hard to :uery people's #hoi#e of !ords !hen you've got a %outhful of so%eone's han(y sealing your #a(ehole !ell and truly shut. ;o! he !as being dragged out of the #ar. support his o!n !eight. is legs had gone to slee p and he #ouldn't

I don't (no! about Dohn /arlay#orn 7 %ore li(e 5ing .d!ard> This is li(e dragging a sa#(ful of spuds. -nother voi#e. e !as being #arried no!. 1o%eone !as supporting his shoulders$ so%eone else !as holding his feet. They %ust be indoors no!. The sound of their footsteps #hanged$ athe air !as !ar%er and he !as pretty sure that the ob8e#t !hi#h had ra%%ed into the s%all of his ba#( !as a large$ old fashioned$ orna%ental door handle. e already suspe#ted that the floor !as un#arpeted floor&board be#ause of the sound$ but the feel of it #onfir%ed those suspi#ions !hen they un#ere%oniouslydropped hi%. This !as all getting a bit %u#h. e !rithed and gave a sort of strangled roar of protest. The (i#( in the ribs that follo!ed !as a so%ething of a surprise$ but that surprise !as :ui#(ly forgotten. -nother voi#e spo(e and$ for one$ ridi#ulous$ %inute Colin thought they said$ Co%e on> Cut his #lothes off and tie hi% to the #ross... e al%ost laughed. o! on earth !ere they (eeping the studio audien#e :uietE e heard the sound of ripping fabri# as they #ut his #lothes off hi%. Then they tied hi%$ na(ed$ to !hat felt suspi#iously li(e a #ross> #hapter 13

Duliette loo(ed into her #offee #up. It !as e%pty$ as !as her head of ideas. "ortunately ho!ever she !as distra#ted fro% her #onsideration of this #o%plete abs#en#e of inspiration by her phone !hi#h bu))ed$ vibrated and flashed in that tireso%ely adoles#ent$ attention see(ing !ay that they do. It !as an e&%ail. -n e&%ail$ she noti#ed !ith a start$ that !as fro% The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth. 6ede%ption "or <ou 7 1inner>$ !as the reassuring heading to the %essage. This !as offset$ ho!ever$ by the rather less #o%forting tone of the opening senten#e. Tonight he !ill die for your sins> -nd 8ust in #ase the reader didn't fully appre#iate the signifi#an#e of that fa#t$ the senten#e !as flashing and pla#ed ne,t to a$ :uite flattering$ pi#ture of Colin. 4h dear> Duliette !as an arti#ulate$ literate$ professional !ords%ith 7 but$ on this o##asion$ her breadth of vo#abulary failed her. 1he read on. Cli#( here to !at#h and parti#ipate in the #ere%ony of atone%ent$ or #li#( here to re#eive dire#tions to the lo#ation !here your sins !ill be #leansed fro% you by his blood. *lease note 7 your rede%ption !ill be annulled if you reveal any detail of this holy event to an unauthorised third party and you !ill burn in hell for all eternity as !ill your parents$ #hildren and all !ho (no! you> and sha(ing$ she pressed her inde, finger on the s#reen$ #ausing another of those talon li(e false nails to deta#h itself$ lying$ ro#(ing slightly$ on its ba#($ li(e a long dead beetle's #arapa#e. The s#reen refreshed and a s%all$ blurred and #onfusing %ap appeared. In a bo, ne,t to it !as so%e te,t !ith dire#tions to 1hitely Gillage all$ near Gloo%bury Tor. ere$ it transpired$ the #ere%ony of atone%ent !as due to start at %idnight$ in about A hours ti%e. #hapter 14 It's a great sha%e... The Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper$ 0"irst igh *riest 4f The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth'$ resplendent in his #leri#al vest%ents$ thoughtfully agitated the large brandy glass in his left hand. The generous %easure of -r%agna# s!irled li(e a !hirlpool as he puffed lu,uriantly on his large$ thi#( and aro%ati# #igar. e really didn't understand !hat he'd signed up to$ did heE The girl !ho$ by %eans of a variety of !igs$ #oloured #onta#t lenses and a##ents$ had featured in Colin's life as the %ysterious and beautiful stranger at 9pper Crust 1ingles$ the %ysterious and beautiful #oo(er of uns#heduled dinners in his flat and the %ysterious and beautiful$ e,#itingly enig%ati#$ ;esta$ nodded. 6ight no! though$ Colin !ould have re#ognised her as the de%ure$ although %ysterious and beautiful$ 5irsty that he had %et !hen he returned the Gery 6everent's #ar to hi% in his i%posing ho%e in 1talebridge. ;o he didn't get it. e #ouldn't see the opportunities.....$ she said.

-h 5irsty. There are none so blind as those that !ill not see... +e gave hi% everything but..... e thoughtfully ran his finger along the alar%ingly long$ alar%ingly sharp$ blade of an ornate and elaborately be8e!elled dagger. ... e didn't ta(e !hat !as on offer. 1purned$ through la#( of vision$ the gifts laid at his feet. /ut$ of #ourse$ he still has to pay the pri#e. 4ur #ongregation have paid for a servi#e and !e %ust deliver> +e have sold the% salvation. They have bought salvation. +e %ust deliver an appropriate #usto%er e,perien#e. #hapter 15 Fen$ listen$ it's Duliette here. I need a photographer.... -nd I need a #ar..... In fa#t$ I need a video #re!...... +ith those surveillan#e #a%eras and %i(es... The ones no one (no!s you're !earing !hen you're doing under#over !or(. -nd I need it no!... 1he paused for breath$ giving ti%e for Fen to respond pithily$ Foo($ if it's pi#tures of you doing 0under the #overs' !or( I %ight thin( about buying the%... 4ther!ise$ I'll tell you !hat you need$ Duliette. <ou need to be lo#(ed up for your o!n safety.... Ideally in a roo% !ith padded !alls$ no sharp ob8e#ts and absolutely no alo#ohol. ;o Fen$ you don't understand. This is i%portant... I'% onto to so%ething big here.... 4h don't !orry Duliette$ I understand alright. Fen !as obviously in parti#ularly diffi#ult %ood. 1he !aited for the inevitable #ontinuation of this rant. Tell %e no!$ Duliette$ ho! big is bigE Is it as a big load of old drivel as that last 9pper Crust 1ingles story you filedE 4r have you %anaged to stret#h yourself and plu%b even greater depths of %edio#rityE ;o$ don't tell$ %e$ you're planning$ a %enage a trois !ith a #ouple of your singles saddoes and you !ant it videod for the !ildlife #hannelE Ba(ing a %ental note to tell hi% e,a#tly !hat she thought of hi% !hen her #areer finally trans#ended the stiflingly s%all to!n #o%i# !hi#h !as The 1outh .astern Beteor$ Duliette too( a deep breath. Fen$ I'% serious. This is %y big #han#e and a big$ big story for you. If you don't !ant it$ I'll ta(e it to so%eone !ho does. <ou need to %a(e your %ind up no! and get the #ar and the photography boys over to /ar Gino Gusto in =ullbury igh 1treet. I haven't got ti%e !aste having this #onversation. =o you !ant it or notE If he hadn't already been seated Fen !ould have sat do!n. If he hadn't already got a drin($ he !ould have poured hi%self one. If he hadn't already got a #igarette on the go$ he !ould have lit one. This !as the Duliette of old. -nd a#tually$ it !as good to have her ba#(. They'll be !ith you in half an hour. If you #an thin( of anything else you need... Duliette !aited in vain for the sar#asti# sign off. If you need anything else$ 8ust #all. Good lu#($ Duliette. #hapter 6

Colin's shoulders !ere starting to a#he. e'd got no idea ho! long he'd been hanging on this #ross$ but ho!ever long it had been$ it !as too long. The roughly he!n !ood !as #haffing his ba#( and shoulders and the splinters fro% it %ade hi% feel as though he !as being pra#ti#ed on by a pe#uliarly inept a##upun#turist. e !ould have #alled for help$ !ere it not for the fa#t that he had a large$ and apparently un!ashed$ hand(er#hief still stu#( in his %outh. e !ould have loo(ed i%ploringly$ no besee#hingly$ at his #aptors$ !ere it not for the e,#rutiatingly tight blindfold$ !hi#h !as not :uite painful enough to %as( all the other #urrent$ developing and e%erging a#hes that !ere a #onse:uen#e of hi% being left hanging for the last hour. +here he !as he had no idea and $ although %a(ing a valient effort to sti#( !ith 6on's reality TG sho! hypothesis$ he !as starting to lose #onfiden#e in that parti#uar theory 7 although #urrently unable to #o%e up !ith a better one. There !as a faint sound of %ur%uring voi#es #o%ing fro% in front of hi%. 1ounds not disi%ilar to that of #hairs being s#raped a#ross an un#arpeted floor.... Then silen#e. +el#o%e %y friends..... +el#o%e.... +hen last !e %et it !as the su%%er solsti#e. <ou !ill$ no doubt$ re%e%ber$ !e !ere !aiting for the visitation fro% the one !ho !ould$ through his sa#rif#e$ !ould atone for our sins. This didn't sound good. In fa#t it sounded very bad. Gery bad indeed. The voi#e sounded fa%iliar.... -nd he #a%e to us. <ou !ill re#all. The door opened and he !al(ed a%ong us. +e #li%bed the %ighty Gloo%bury Tor and gave than(sthat night$ beneath the ti%eless stars. -nd no! the ti%e has #o%e. is blood !ill flo! and #leanse our souls of the blight of sins. +e have #onfessed$ repented and paid an appropriate donation for forgiveness.... It !as getting !orse. +hilst the spea(er hadn't e,pli#ititly said !hose blood !ould flo!$ Colin !as feeling an in#reasingly unnerving suspi#ioun that it !as probably going to be his o!n. +e are the #hosen ones. The ones blessed by the love of the great far%er of souls. -nd !e of The 1a#red Chur#h 4f The 6eborn Ford's -%bassadors 4n .arth' re8oi#e %y brethren... 6e8oi#e. To Colin the idea of re8oi#ing see%ed a little pre%ature$ if not !holly %ispla#ed. It !as that old tosser$ the Gery 6everent Belvyn 1#ott&*iper. +as he %a(ing referen#e to that ti%e$ all those %onths ago$ !hen Colin had turned up at 1hitely Gillage all after his #ar had bro(en do!nE -ny!ay$ that didn't really %atter. The (ey point !as that a flo!ing of blood$ espe#ially his blood$ didn't sound li(e good ne!s. .... -nd through his death$ !e !ill find eternal life... Desus Christ> -#tually on refle#tion$ thought Colin$ that probably !asn't the right e,pletive for this. e struggled and tried to shout for help but su#eeded only in %anaging to e%bed another #ouple of do)en painfully barbed splinters in his ba#(. Then he felt so%ething sharp pressing into his abdo%en. ;ot hard enough to brea( the s(in$ but #ertainly vigorously enough to #hange his state of %ind fro%

nervousness and #on#ern to a level of terror only 8ust belo! that re:ured to unleash gibbering in#ontinen#e. Then there !as a sound li(e a door being s%ashed do!n.... Colle#tive gasps... Bur%urs of sho#(ed surprise.... -n authoritative voi#e shouted$ -r%ed *oli#e 7 drop the s!ord. The pointy proddy thing painfully threatening to pun#ture Colin's spare tyre !as !ithdra!n$ follo!ed by a %etalli# #lattering as so%ething$ presu%ably the prodding i%ple%ent$ fell to the floor. Grunting$ s#uffling and the sound of things being hit by other things #reated an interesting$ although alar%ing$ sounds#ape for a fe! %inutes. Then it !ent :uiet. - fe! se#onds later another s#raping sound suggested a largish ob8e#t !as being dragged to!ard hi%. This !as follo!ed by so%e unidentifiable #lattering then #rea(ing. e felt so%e hands on his head and the blindfold fell a!ay. .ven if he hadn't had got a spee#h i%pedi%ent as a result of having a %outhful of so%eone's han(y he !ould have been unable to spea(. Instead he 8ust stared$ li(e a terrified rabbit at Duliette Cresta as she leaned unsteadily for!ard on a ri#(ety old stepladder and tugged the rag fro% Colin's %outh li(e a seasoned %agi#ian effortlessly pulling sil( hand(er#hieves fro% a top hat. ello Colin. Colin$ !hose %outh felt li(e the interior of an old shoe !hi#h had been abandoned in the desert$ re%ained silent. +ell$ !e'd better get you do!n off there hadn't !e. I do li(e a %an to be !ell hung$ but this isn't :uite !hat I'd got in %ind. Colin too( a deep breath. This isn't a TG reality sho! is itE 1he s%iled. ;o Colin$ it's not. /ut you and I are going to do very ni#ely out telling people !hat it really !as> T7E E'8