GOD By Woody Allen

(SCENE: Athens. Approximately 500 B.C. Two distraught Greeks in the center of enormous empty amphitheatre. Sunset. One is the ACTOR; the other, the WRITER. They are both thinking and distracted. They should he played by two good, broad burlesque clowns.) ACTOR Nothing...just nothing. WRITER What? ACTOR Meaningless. It's empty. WRITER The ending. ACTOR Of course. What are we discussing? We're discussing the ending. WRITER We're always discussing the ending. ACTOR Because it's hopeless. WRITER I admit it's unsatisfying. ACTOR Unsatisfying? It's not even believable. The trick is to start at the ending when you write a play. Get a good strong ending and then write backwards. WRITER I've tried that. I got a play with no beginning. ACTOR That's absurd. WRITER Absurd? What's absurd?

2. ACTOR Every play must have a beginning, middle, and end. WRITER Why? ACTOR (Confidently.) Because everything in nature has a beginning, middle, and end. WRITER What about a circle? ACTOR (Thinks.) Okay... A circle has no beginning, middle, or end - but they're not much fun either. WRITER Diabetes, think of an ending. We open in three days. ACTOR Not me. I'm not opening in this turkey. I have a reputation as an actor, a following... My public expects to see me in a suitable vehicle. WRITER May I remind you, you're a starving, out-of-work actor whom I've generously consented to let appear in my play in an effort to assist your comeback. ACTOR Starving, yes... Out of work, perhaps . . . Hoping for a comeback, maybe - but a drunkard? WRITER I never said you were a drunkard. ACTOR Yes, but I'm also a drunkard. WRITER (In a fit of sudden inspiration.) What if your character ripped a dagger from his robes and in a fit of frenzied frustration, tore away at his own eyes until he blinded himself?

3. ACTOR Yeah, it's a great idea. Have you eaten anything today? WRITER What's wrong with it? ACTOR It's depressing. The audience will take one look at it and WRITER I know - make that funny sound with their lips. ACTOR It's called hissing. WRITER Just once I want to win the competition! Once before my life is over, I want my play to take first price. And it's not the free case of ouzo I care about, it's the honor. ACTOR (Suddenly inspired.) What if the king suddenly changed his mind? There's a positive idea. WRITER He'd never do it. ACTOR (Selling him on it.) If the queen convinced him? WRITER She wouldn't. She's a bitch. ACTOR But if the Trojan Army surrendered WRITER They'd fight to the death. ACTOR Not if Agamemnon reneged on his promise? WRITER: It's not in his nature.

4. ACTOR But I could suddenly take up arms and make a stand. WRITER It's against your character. You're a coward - an insignificant wretched slave with the intelligence of a worm. Why do you think I cast you? ACTOR I've just given you six possible endings! WRITER Each more clumsy than the last. ACTOR It's the play that's clumsy. WRITER Human beings don't behave that way. It's not in their nature. ACTOR What does their nature mean? We're stuck with a hopeless ending. WRITER As long as man is a rational animal, as a playwright, I cannot have a character do anything on stage he wouldn't do in real life. ACTOR May I remind you that we don't exist in real life. WRITER What do you mean? ACTOR You are aware that we're characters in a play right now in some Broadway theater? Don't get mad at me, I didn't write it. WRITER We're characters in a play and soon we're going to see my play...which is a play within a play. And they're watching us. ACTOR Yes. It's highly metaphysical, isn't it?

5. WRITER Not only is it metaphysical, it's stupid! ACTOR Would you rather be one of them? WRITER (Looking at the audience.) Definitely not. Look at them. ACTOR Then let's get on with it! WRITER (Mutters.) They paid to get in. ACTOR Hepatitis, I'm talking to you! WRITER I know, the problem is the ending. ACTOR It's always the ending. WRITER (Suddenly to the audience.) Do you folks have any suggestions? ACTOR Stop talking to the audience! I'm sorry I mentioned them. WRITER It's bizarre, isn't it? We're two ancient Greeks in Athens and we're about to see a play I wrote and you're acting in, and they're from Queens or some terrible place like that and they're watching us in someone else's play. What if they're characters in another play? And someone's watching them? Or what if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or, what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? ACTOR That's my point. What if the universe is not rational and people are not set things? Then we could change the ending and it wouldn't have to conform to any fixed notions. You follow me?

6. WRITER Of course not. (To the audience.) You follow him? He's an actor. Eats at Sardi's. ACTOR Play characters would have no determined traits and could choose their own characters. I wouldn't have to be the slave just because you wrote it that way. I could choose to become a hero. WRITER Then there's no play. ACTOR No play? Good, I'll be at Sardi's. WRITER Diabetes, what you're suggesting is chaos! ACTOR Is freedom chaos? WRITER Is freedom chaos? Hmm... That's a toughie. (To the audience.) Is freedom chaos? Did anybody out there major in philosophy? (A GIRL from the audience answers.) GIRL I did. WRITER Who's that? GIRL Actually I majored in gym, with a philosophy minor. WRITER Can you come up here?

7. ACTOR What the hell are you doing? GIRL Does it matter if it was Brooklyn College? WRITER Brooklyn College? No, we'll take anything. (She's made her way up.) ACTOR I am really pissed off! WRITER What's eating you? ACTOR We're in the middle of a play. Who is she? WRITER In five minutes the Athenian Drama Festival begins, and I have no ending for my play! ACTOR So? WRITER Serious philosophical questions have been raised. Do we exist? Do they exist? (Meaning the audience.) What is the true nature of human character? GIRL Hi. I'm Doris Levine. WRITER I'm Hepatitis and this is Diabetes. We're ancient Greeks. DORIS I'm from Great Neck. ACTOR Get her off this stage!

8. WRITER (Really looking her up and down as she's lovely.) She's very sexy. ACTOR What has that got to do with it? DORIS The basic philosophical question is: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it - how do we know it makes a noise? (Everyone looks around, puzzled over this.) ACTOR Why do we care? We're on Forty-fifth Street. WRITER Will you go to bed with me? ACTOR Leave her alone! DORIS (To ACTOR.) Mind your own business. WRITER (Calling offstage.) Can we lower the curtain here? Just for five minutes... (To the audience.) Sit there. It'll be a quickie. ACTOR This is outrageous! It's absurd! (To DORIS.) Do you have a friend? DORIS Sure.

9. (Calling to the audience.) Diane, you want to come up here...I got something going with a couple of Greeks. (No response.) She's shy. ACTOR Well, we have a play to do. I'm going to report this to the author. WRITER I am the author! ACTOR I mean the original author. WRITER (Sotto voce to the ACTOR.) Diabetes, I think I can score with her. ACTOR What do you mean, score? You mean intercourse - with all these people watching? WRITER I'll lower the curtain. Some of them even do it. Not many, probably. ACTOR You idiot, you're fictional, she's Jewish - you know what the children will be like? WRITER Come on, maybe we can get her friend up here. (The ACTOR goes to stage left to use the telephone.) Diane? This is a chance for a date with _________. (Use a real actor's name.) He's a big actor...lots of TV commercials...

10. ACTOR (Into the phone.) Get me an outside line. DORIS I don't want to cause any trouble. WRITER It's no trouble. It's just that we've seemed to have lost touch with reality here. DORIS Who knows what reality really is? WRITER You're so right, Doris. DORIS (Philosophically.) So often people think they grasp reality when what they're really responding to is "fakeositude". WRITER I have an urge toward you that I'm sure is real. DORIS Is sex real? WRITER Even if it's not, it's still one of the best fake activities a person can do. (He grabs her, she pulls back.) DORIS Don't. Not here. WRITER Why not? DORIS I don't know. That's my line. WRITER Have you ever made it with a fictional character before?

11. DORIS The closest I came was an Italian. ACTOR (He's on the phone. We hear the party on other end through a filter.) Hello? PHONE (Maid's voice.) Hello, Mr. Allen's residence. ACTOR Hello, may I speak to Mr. Allen? MAID'S VOICE Who's calling, please? ACTOR One of the characters in his play. MAID One second. Mr. Allen, there's a fictional character on the phone. ACTOR (To the others.) Now we'll see what happens with you lovebirds. WOODY'S VOICE Hello. ACTOR Mr. Allen? WOODY Yes? ACTOR This is Diabetes. WOODY Who? ACTOR Diabetes. I'm a character you created.

12. WOODY Oh, yes...I remember, you're a badly drawn character...very onedimensional. ACTOR Thanks. WOODY Hey - isn't the play on now? ACTOR That's what I'm calling about. We got a strange girl up on the stage and she won't get off and Hepatitis is suddenly hot for her. WOODY What does she look like? ACTOR She's pretty, but she doesn't belong. WOODY Blonde? ACTOR Brunette...long hair. WOODY Nice legs? ACTOR Yes. WOODY Good breasts? ACTOR Very nice. WOODY Keep her there, I'll be right over. ACTOR She's a philosophy student. But she's got no real answers... typical product of the Brooklyn College cafeteria.

13. WOODY That's funny, I used that line in Play it Again, Sam to describe a girl. ACTOR I hope it got a better laugh there. WOODY Put her on. ACTOR On the phone? WOODY Sure. ACTOR (To DORIS.) It's for you. DORIS (Whispers.) I've seen him in the movies. Get rid of him. ACTOR He wrote the play. DORIS It's pretentious. ACTOR (Into the phone.) She won't speak to you. She says your play is pretentious. WOODY Oh, Jesus. Okay, call me back and let me know how the play ends. ACTOR Right. (He hangs up, then does a double take, realizing what the author said.) DORIS Can I have a part in your play?

14. ACTOR I don't understand. Are you an actress or a girl playing an actress? DORIS I always wanted to be an actress. Mother hoped I'd become a nurse. Dad felt I should marry into society. ACTOR So what do you do for a living? DORIS I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. (A Greek enters from the wings.) TRICHINOSIS Diabetes, Hepatitis. It's me, Trichinosis. (Ad-lib greetings.) I have just come from a discussion with Socrates at the Acropolis and he proved that I didn't exist, so I'm upset. Still, word has it you need an ending for your play. I think I have just the thing. WRITER Really? TRICHINOSIS Who's she? DORIS Doris Levine. TRICHINOSIS Not from Great Neck? DORIS Yes. TRICHINOSIS You know the Rappaports?

15. DORIS Myron Rappaport? TRICHINOSIS (Nodding.) We both worked for the Liberal party. DORIS What a coincidence. TRICHINOSIS You had an affair with Mayor Lindsay. DORIS I wanted to - he wouldn't. WRITER What's the ending? TRICHINOSIS You're much prettier than I imagined. DORIS Really? TRICHINOSIS I'd like to sleep with you right now. DORIS Tonight's my night. (TRICHINOSIS takes her wrist passionately.) Please. I'm a virgin. Is that my line? (The PROMPTER with book peeks out from the wings; is wearing a sweater.) PROMPTER "Please. I'm a virgin." Yes. (Exits.) WRITER What's the goddamn ending?

16. TRICHINOSIS Huh? Oh (Calls off.) Fellas! (Some Greeks wheel out an elaborate machine.) WRITER What the hell is that? TRICHINOSIS The ending for your play. ACTOR I don't understand. TRICHINOSIS This machine, which I've spent six months designing in my brother-in-law's shop, holds the answer. WRITER How? TRICHINOSIS In the final scene - when all looks black, and Diabetes the humble slave is in a position most hopeless ACTOR Yes? TRICHINOSIS Zeus, Father of the Gods, descends dramatically from on high and brandishing his thunderbolts, brings salvation to a grateful but impotent group of mortals. DORIS Deus ex machina. TRICHINOSIS Hey - That's a great name for this thing! DORIS My father works for Westinghouse.

17. WRITER I still don't get it. TRICHINOSIS Wait'll you see this thing in action. It flies Zeus in. I'm going to make a fortune with this invention. Sophocles put a deposit on one. Euripides wants two. WRITER But that changes the meaning of the play. TRICHINOSIS Don't speak till you see a demonstration. Bursitis, get into the flying harness. BURSITIS Me? TRICHINOSIS Do what I say. You won't believe his. BURSITIS I'm afraid of that thing. TRICHINOSIS He's kidding... Go ahead, you idiot, we're on the verge of a sale. He'll do it. Ha, ha... BURSITIS I don't like heights. TRICHINOSIS Get into it! Hurry up. Let's go! Get into your Zeus suit! A demonstration. (Exiting as BURSITIS protests.) BURSITIS I want to call my agent. WRITER But you're saying God comes in at the end and saves everything. ACTOR I love it! It gives the people their money's worth.

18. DORIS He's right. It's like those Hollywood Bible movies. WRITER (Taking center stage a little too dramatically.) But if God saves everything, man is not responsible for his actions. ACTOR You wonder why you're not invited to more parties... DORIS But without God, the universe is meaningless. Life is meaningless. We're meaningless. (Deadly pause.) I have a sudden and overpowering urge to get laid. WRITER Now I'm not in the mood. DORIS Really? Would anyone in the audience care to make it with me? ACTOR Stop that! (To the audience.) She's not serious, folks. WRITER I'm depressed. ACTOR What's bothering you? WRITER I don't know if I believe in God. DORIS (To the audience.) I am serious.

19. ACTOR If there's no God, who created the universe? WRITER I'm not sure yet. ACTOR Who do you mean, you're not sure yet!? When are you going to know? DORIS Anybody out there want to sleep with me? MAN (Rising in the audience.) I'll sleep with that girl if nobody else will. DORIS Will you, sir? MAN What's wrong with everybody? A beautiful girl like that? Aren't there any red-blooded men in the audience? You're all a bunch of New York left-wing Jewish intellectual commie pinkos (LORENZO MILLER comes out from wings. He is dressed in contemporary clothes.) LORENZO Sit down, will you sit down? MAN Okay, okay. WRITER Who are you? LORENZO Lorenzo Miller. I created this audience. I'm a writer. WRITER What do you mean? LORENZO I wrote: a large group of people from Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, and Long Island come to the Golden Theater and watch

20. a play. There they are. DORIS (Pointing to the audience.) You mean they're fictional too? (LORENZO nods.) They're not free to do as they please? LORENZO They think they are, but they always do what's expected of them. WOMAN (Suddenly a WOMAN rises in audience, quite angrily.) I'm not fictional! LORENZO I'm sorry, madam, but you are. WOMAN But I have a son at the Harvard Business School. LORENZO I created your son; he's fictional. Not only is he fictional, he's homosexual. MAN I'll show you how fictional I am. I'm leaving this theater and getting my money back. This is a stupid play. In fact, it's no play. I go to the theater, I want to see something with a story - with a beginning, middle, and end - instead of this bullshit. Good night. (Exits up the aisle in a huff.) LORENZO (To the audience.) Isn't he a great character. I wrote him very angry. Later he feels guilty and commits suicide. (Sound: gunshot.) Later!

21. MAN (Reenters with a smoking pistol.) I'm sorry, did I do it too soon? LORENZO Get out of here! MAN I'll be at Sardi's. (Exits.) LORENZO (In the audience, dealing with various people of the actual audience.) What's your name sir? Uh-huh. (Ad-lib section, depending on what audience says.) Where are you from? Isn't he cute? Great character. Must remind them to dress him differently. Later this woman leaves her husband for this guy. Hard to believe, I know. Oh - look at this guy. Later he rapes that lady. WRITER It's terrible being fictional. We're are so limited. LORENZO Only by the limits of the playwright. Unfortunately you happen to have been written by Woody Allen. Think if you were written by Shakespeare. WRITER I don't accept it. I'm a free man and I don't need God flying in to save my play. I'm a good writer. DORIS You want to win the Athenian Drama Festival, don't you? WRITER (Suddenly dramatic.) Yes. I want to be immortal. I don't want to just die and be forgotten. I want my works to live on long after my physical body has passed away. I want future generations to know I existed! Please don't let me be a meaningless dot, drifting

22. through eternity. I thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to accept this Tony Award and thank David Merrick... DORIS I don't care what anybody says, I'm real. LORENZO Not really. DORIS I think, therefore I am. Or better yet. I feel - I have an orgasm. LORENZO You do? DORIS All the time. LORENZO Really? DORIS Very frequently. LORENZO Yes? DORIS Most of the time I do, yes. LORENZO Yes? DORIS At least half the time. LORENZO No. DORIS I do! With certain men... LORENZO Hard to believe.

23. DORIS Not necessarily through intercourse. Usually it's oral. LORENZO Uh-huh. DORIS Of course I fake it too. I don't want to insult anybody. LORENZO Have you ever had an orgasm? DORIS Not really. No. LORENZO Because none of us are real. WRITER But if we're not real, we can't die. LORZNZO No. Not unless the playwright decides to kill us. WRITER Why would he do something like that? (From the wings, BLANCHE DUBOIS enters.) BLANCHE Because, sugar, it satisfies something called their - aesthetic sensibility. WRITER (All turn to look at her.) Who are you? BLANCHE Blanche. Blanche DuBois. It means "white woods." Don't get up, please - I was just passing through. DORIS What are you doing here? BLANCHE Seeking refuge. Yes - in this old theater.. I couldn't help

24. overhearing your conversation. Could I get a coke with a little bourbon in it? ACTOR (Appears. We didn't realize he'd slipped away.) Is a Seven-Up okay? WRITER Where the hell were you? ACTOR I went to the bathroom. WRITER In the middle of the play? ACTOR What play? (To BLANCHE.) Will you explain to him we're all limited. BLANCHE I'm afraid it's all too true. Too true and too ghastly. That's why I ran out of my play. Escaped. Oh, not that Mr. Tennessee Williams is not a very great writer, but honey - he dropped me in the center of a nightmare. The last thing I remember, I was being taken out by two strangers, one who held a strait jacket. Once outside the Kowalski residence, I broke free and ran. I've got to get into another play, a play where God exists . . . somewhere where I can rest at last. That's why you must put me in your play and allow Zeus, young and handsome Zeus to triumph with his thunderbolt. WRITER You went to the bathroom? TRICHINOSIS (Enters.) Ready for the demonstration. BLANCHE A demonstration. How wonderful.

25. TRICHINOSIS (Calling offstage.) Ready out there? Okay. It's the end of the play. Everything looks hopeless for the slave. All other means desert him. He prays. Go ahead. ACTOR Oh, Zeus. Great god. We are confused and helpless mortals. Please be merciful and change our lives. (Nothing happens.) Er...great Zeus... TRICHINOSIS Let's go, fellas! For Christ's sake. ACTOR Oh, great God. (Suddenly there is thunder and fabulous lightning. The effect is wonderful: ZEUS descends, hurling thunderbolts majestically.) BURSITIS (As ZEUS.) I am Zeus, God of Gods! Worker of miracles! Creator of the Universe! I bring salvation to all! DORIS Wait'll Westinghouse sees this! TRICHINOSIS Well, Hepatitis, what do you think? WRITER I love it! It's better than I expected. It's dramatic, it's flamboyant. I'm going to win the festival! I'm a winner. It's so religious. Look, I got chills! Doris! (He grabs her.) DORIS Not now.

26. (There is a general exit, a light change...) WRITER I must do some immediate rewrites. TRICHINOSIS I'll rent you my God machine for twenty-six fifty an hour. WRITER (To LORENZO.) Can you introduce my play? LORENZO Sure, go ahead. (They all exit. LORENZO stays behind and faces audience. As he speaks, a Greek CHORUS enters and sits in the background of the amphitheater. White-robed, naturally.) Good evening and welcome to the Athenian Drama Festival. (Sound: cheering.) We got a great show for you tonight. A new play by Hepatitis of Rhodes, entitled, "The Slave." (Sound: cheers.) Starring Diabetes as the slave, with Bursitis as Zeus, Blanche DuBois, and Doris Levine from Great Neck. (Cheers.) The show is brought to you by Gregory Londos' Lamb Restaurant, just opposite the Parthenon. Don't be a Medusa with snakes in your hair when you're looking for a place to dine out. Try Gregory Londos' Lamb Restaunant. Remember, Homer liked it - and he was blind. (He exits. DIABETES plays the slave named PHIDIPIDES and right now, he drifts on with another GREEK SLAVE as the CHORUS takes over.)

27. CHORUS Gather round, ye Greeks, and heed the story of Phidipides - one so wise, so passionate, so steeped in the glories of Greece. DIABETES My point is, what are we going to do with such a big horse? FRIEND But they want to give it to us for nothing. DIABETES So what? Who needs it? It's a big wooden horse... What the hell are we going to do with it? It's not even a pretty horse. Mark my words, Cratinus - as a Greek statesman, I would never trust the Trojans. You notice they never take a day off? FRIEND Did you hear about Cyclops? He got a middle eye infection. VOICE OFF Phidipides! Where is that slave? DIABETES Coming, Master! MASTER (Enters.) Phidipides - there you are. There's work to be done. The grapes need picking, my chariot must be repaired. we need water from the well - and you're out shmoozing. DIABETES I wasn't shmoozing, Master, I was discussing politics. MASTER A slave discussing politics! Ha, ha! CHORUS Ha, ha... That's rich. DIABETES I'm sorry, Master. MASTER You and the new Hebrew slave clean the house. I'm expecting guests. Then get on with all the other tasks.

28. DIABETES The new Hebrew? MASTER Doris Levine. DORIS You called? MASTER Clean up. Let's go. Hurry on. CHORUS Poor Phidipides. A slave. And like all slaves, he longed for one thing. DIABETES To be taller. CHORUS To be free. DIABETES I don't want to be free. CHORUS No? DIABETES I like it this way. I know what's expected of me. I'm taken care of. I don't have to make any choices. I was born a slave and I'll die a slave. I have no anxiety. CHORUS Boo...boo... DIABETES Ah, what do you know, chorus boys. (He kisses DORIS, she pulls away.) DORIS Don't. DIABETES Why not? Doris, you know my heart is heavy with love - or as you

29. Hebrews are fond of saying, I have a thing for you. DORIS It can't work. DIABETES Why not? DORIS Because you like being a slave and I hate it. I want my freedom. I want to travel and write books, live in Paris, maybe start a woman's magazine. DIABETES What's the big deal about freedom? It's dangerous. To know one's place is safe. Don't you see, Doris, governments change hands every week, political leaders murder one another, cities are sacked, people are tortured. If there's a war, who do you think gets killed? The free people. But we're safe because no matter who's in power, they all need someone to do the heavy cleaning. (He grabs her.) DORIS Don't. While I am still a slave I can never enjoy sex. DIABETES Would you be willing to fake it? DORIS Forget it. CHORUS And then one day the fates lent a hand. (The FATES enter, a couple dressed like American tourists, wearing jazzy Hawaiian shirts; BOB has a camera around his neck.) BOB Hi, we're the Fates, Bob and Wendy Fate. We need someone to take an urgent message to the king. DIABETES The king?

30. BOB You would be doing mankind a great service. DIABETES I would? WENDY Yes, but it's a dangerous mission, and even though you are a slave, you may say no. DIABETES No. BOB But it will give you a chance to see the palace in all its glory. WENDY And the reward is your freedom. DIABETES My freedom? Yes, well, I'd love to help you, but I have a roast in the stove. DORIS Let me do it. BOB It's too dangerous for a woman. DIABETES She's a very fast runner. DORIS Phidipides, how can you refuse? DIABETES When you're a coward, certain things come easy. WENDY We beg of you - please BOB The fate of mankind hangs in the balance.

31. WENDY We'll raise the reward. Freedom for you and any person of your choice. BOB Plus a sixteen-piece starter set of silverware. DORIS Phidipides, here's our chance. CHORUS Go ahead, you jerk. DIABETES A dangerous mission followed by personal freedom? I'm getting nauseous. WENDY (Hands him an envelope.) Take this message to the king. DIABETES Why can't you take it? BOB We're leaving for New York in a few hours. DORIS Phidipides, you say you love me DIABETES I do. CHORUS Let's go, Phidipides, the play is bogging down. DIABETES Decisions, decisions... (Telephone rings and he answers it.) Hello? WOODY'S VOICE Will you take the goddamn message to the king. We'd all like to get the hell out of here.

32. DIABETES (Hangs up.) I'll do it. But only because Woody asked me to. CHORUS (Sings.) Poor Professor Higgins DIABETES That's the wrong show, you idiots! DORIS Good luck, Phidipides. WENDY You're really going to need it. DIABETES What do you mean? WENDY Bob here is really a practical joker. DORIS After we're free we can go to bed, and maybe for once I'll enjoy it. HEPATITIS (Pops on stage.) Sometimes a little grass before you make it DIABETES You're the writer! HEPATITIS I couldn't resist! (Exit.) DORIS Go! DIABETES I'm going!

33. CHORUS And so Phidipides set out on his journey bearing an important message for King Oedipus. DIABETES King Oedipus? CHORUS Yes. DIABETES I hear he lives with his mother. (Effects: Wind and lightning as SLAVE trudges on) CHORUS Over deep mountains, through high valleys. DIABETES High mountains and deep valleys. Where did we get this chorus? CHORUS At all times at the mercy of the Furies. DIABETES The Furies are having dinner with the Fates. They went to Chinatown. The Hong Fat Noodle Company. HEPATITIS (Enters.) Sam Wo's is better. DIABETES There's always a line at Sam Wo's. CHORUS Not if you ask for Lee. He'll seat you, but you have to tip him. (HEPATITIS exits.) DIABETES (Proudly.) Yesterday I was a lousy slave, never having ventured beyond my master's property. Today I carry a message to the king, the king himself. I see the world. Soon I'll be a free man. Suddenly

34. human possibilities are opening up to me. And because of it - I have an uncontrollable urge to throw up. Oh, well... (Wind.) CHORUS Days turn into weeks, weeks into months. Still Phidipides struggles on. DIABETES Can you turn off the goddamn wind machine? CHORUS Poor Phidipides, mortal man. DIABETES I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm sick. I can't go on. My hand is shaking... (The CHORUS begins humming a slow version of "Dixie.") All around me men dying, war and misery, brother against brother; the South, rich in tradition; the North, mostly industrial. President Lincoln, sending the Union Army to destroy the plantation. The Old Homestead. Cotton - comin' down the river... (HEPATITIS enters and stares at him.) Lawsy, lawsy, Miss Eva - Ah can't cross the ice. It's General Beauregard and Robert E. Lee... Ah (Notices HEPATITIS staring at him.) I - I...I got carried away. (HEPATITIS grabs him around the neck and pulls him to the side.) HEPATITIS C'mere! What the hell are you doing!? DIABETES Where's the palace? I'm walking around for days! What kind of play is this!? Where the hell is the goddamn palace? In

35. Bensonhurst? HEPATITIS You're at the palace if you'd stop ruining my play! Guard! Come on now, shape up. (A powerful GUARD enters.) GUARD Who are you? DIABETES Phidipides. GUARD What brings you to the palace? DIABETES The palace? I'm here? GUARD Yes. This is the royal palace. The most beautiful structure in all of Greece, marble, majestic, and completely rent-controlled. DIABETES I bear a message for the king. GUARD Oh, yes. He is expecting you. DIABETES My throat is parched and I have not eaten in days. GUARD I will summon the king. DIABETES What about a roast-beef sandwich? GUARD I will get the king and a roast-beef sandwich. How do you want that? DIABETES Medium.

36. GUARD (Takes out a pad and writes.) One medium. You get a vegetable with that. DIABETES What do you have? GUARD Let's see, today...carrots or baked potato. DIABETES I'll have the baked potato. GUARD Coffee? DIABETES Please. And a toasted bow tie - if you have one - and the king. GUARD Right. (As he exits.) Let me have an RB to go with a regular coffee. (The FATES cross taking pictures.) BOB How do you like the palace? DIABETES I love it. BOB (Handing his wife the camera.) Take one of us together. (As she does.) DIABETES I thought you two were going back to New York. WENDY You know how fate is.

37. BOB Unreliable. Take it easy. DIABETES (Leans in to smell the flower in BOB's lapel.) That's a pretty flower. (Gets an eyeful of water as FATES laugh.) BOB I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. (Offers his hand. DIABETES shakes it. Gets a shock from a joy buzzer.) DIABETES Ahhhh! (FATES exit laughing.) WENDY He loves to play tricks on people. DIABETES (To CHORUS.) You knew he was out to get me. CHORUS He's a scream. DIABETES Why didn't you warn me? CHORUS We don't like to get involved. DIABETES You don't like to get involved? You know, a woman was stabbed to death on the BMT while sixteen people looked on and didn't help. CHORUS We read it in the Daily News, and it was the IRT. DIABETES If one person had ho guts to help her, maybe she'd be here

38. today. WOMAN (Enters with knife in her chest.) I am here. DIABETES I had to open my mouth. WOMAN A woman works her whole life on DeKalb Ave. I'm reading the Post, six hooligans - dope addicts - grab me and throw me down. CHORUS There weren't six, there were three. WOMAN Three, six - they had a knife, they wanted my money. DIABETES You should have given it to them. WOMAN I did. They still stabbed me. CHORUS That's New York. You give 'em the money and they still stab you. DIABETES New York? It's everywhere. I was walking with Socrates in downtown Athens, and two youths from Sparta jump out from behind the Acropolis and want all our money. WOMAN What happened? DIABETES Socrates proved to them using simple logic that evil was merely ignorance of the truth. WOMAN And? DIABETES And they broke his nose.

39. WOMAN I just hope your message for the king is good news. DIABETES I hope so, for his sake. WOMAN For your sake. DIABETES Right and - what do you mean, for his sake? CHORUS (Derisively.) Ha, ha, ha! (The light becomes more ominous.) DIABETES The light is changing... What is that? What happens if it's bad news? WOMAN In ancient times, when a messenger brought a message to the king, if the news was good, the messenger received a reward. CHORUS Free passes to the Loew's Eighty-Sixth Street. WOMAN But if the news was bad... DIABETES Don't tell me. WOMAN The king would have the messenger put to death. DIABETES Are we in ancient times? WOMAN Can't you tell by what you're wearing? DIABETES I see what you mean. Hepatitis!

40. WOMAN Sometimes the messenger would have his head cut off...if the king was in a forgiving mood. DIABETES A forgiving mood, he cuts your head off? CHORUS But if the news is really bad WOMAN Then the messenger is roasted to death CHORUS Over a slow fire. DIABETES It's been so long since I've been roasted over a slow fire, I can't remember if I like it or not. CHORUS Take our word for it - you won't like it. DIABETES Where's Doris Levine? If I get my hands on that Hebrew slave from Great Neck... WOMAN She can't help you, she's miles away. DIABETES Doris! Where the hell are you? DORIS (In the audience.) What do you want? DIABETES What are you doing there? DORIS I got bored with the play. DIABETES What do you mean, you got bored? Get up here! I'm up to my ass in trouble because of you!

41. DORIS (Coming up.) I'm sorry, Phidipides, how did I know what happened in ancient history? I studied philosophy. DIABETES If the news is bad, I die. DORIS I heard her. DIABETES Is this your idea of freedom? DORIS Win a couple, lose a couple. DIABETES Win a couple, lose a couple? That's what they each you at Brooklyn College? DORIS Hey, man, get off my back. DIABETES If the news is bad I'm finished. Wait a minute! The news! The message. I got it right here! (Fumbles, takes a message from an envelope. Reads.) For Best Supporting Actor, the winner is _________. (Use the name of the actor playing HEPATITIS.) HEPATITIS (Pops on.) I want to accept this Tony Award and thank David Merrick ACTOR Get off, I read the wrong message. (Pulls out the real one.)

42. WOMAN Hurry, the king's coming. DIABETES See if he has my sandwich. DORIS Hurry, Phidipides! DIABETES (Reads.) The message is one word. DORIS Yes? DIABETES How'd you know? DORIS Know what? DIABETES What the message is, it's "yes." CHORUS Is that good or bad? DIABETES Yes? Yes is affirmative? No? Isn't it? (Testing it.) Yes! DORIS What if the question is, Does the queen have the clap? DIABETES I see your point. CHORUS His majesty, the king! (Fanfare, big entrance of KING.)

43. DIABETES Sire, does the queen have the clap? KING Who ordered this roast beef? DIABETES I did, sire. Is that carrots? Because I asked for a baked potato. KING We're out of baked potatoes. DIABETES Then take it back. I'll go across the street. CHORUS The message. (DIABETES keeps shhing them.) The message, he has the message. KING Humble slave, do you have a message for me? DIABETES Humble king, er ,...yes, as a matter of fact... KING Good. DIABETES Can you tell me the question? KING First the message. DIABETES No, you first. KING No, you. DIABETES No, you.

44. KING No, you. CHORUS Make Phidipides go first. KING Him? CHORUS Yes. KING How can I? CHORUS Shmuck, you're the king. KING Of course, I'm the king. What is the message? (The GUARD draws a sword.) DIABETES: The message is...ye-no (Trying to get an idea before spilling it.) no-yeah - maybe - maybe CHORUS He's lying. KING The message, slave. (The GUARD puts a sword to DIABETES' throat) DIABETES It's one word, sire. KING One word? DIABETES Amazing, isn't it, because for the same money he's allowed

45. fourteen words. KING A one-word answer to my question of questions. Is there a god? DIABETES That's the question? KING That - is the only question. DIABETES (Looks at DORIS, relieved.) Then I'm proud to give you the message. The word is yes. KING Yes? DIABETES Yes. CHORUS Yes. DORIS Yes. DIABETES Your turn. WOMAN (Lisp.) Yeth. (DIABETES gives her an annoyed look.) DORIS Isn't that fabulous! DIABETES I know what you're thinking, a little reward for your faithful messenger - but our freedom is more than enough - on the other hand, if you insist on showing your appreciation, I think diamonds are always in good taste.

46. KING (Gravely.) If there is a god, then man is not responsible and I will surely be judged for my sins. DIABETES Pardon me? KING Judged for my sins, my crimes. Very horrible crimes, I am doomed. This message you bring me dooms me for eternity. DIABETES Did I say yes? I meant no. GUARD (Seizes the envelope and reads the message.) The message is yes, sire. KING This is the worst possible news. DIABETES (Dropping to his knees.) Sire, it's not my fault. I'm a lowly messenger, I don't create the message. I merely transmit it. It's like her majesty's clap. KING You will be torn apart by wild horses. DIABETES I knew you'd understand. DORIS But he's only the messenger. You can't have him torn apart by wild horses. You usually roast them over a slow fire. KING Too good for this scum! DIABETES When the weatherman predicts rain, do you kill the weatherman? KING Yes.

47. DIABETES I see. Well. I'm dealing with a schizophrenic. KING Seize him. (The GUARD does.) DIABETES Wait, sire. A word in my defense. KING Yes? DIABETES This is only a play. KING That's what they all say. Give me your sword. I want the pleasure of this kill myself. DORIS No, no - oh, why did I get us into this? CHORUS Don't worry, you're young, you'll find somebody else. DORIS That's true. KING (Raises the sword.) Die! DIABETES Oh, Zeus - God of Gods, come forward with your thunderbolt and save me! (All look up; nothing happens, awkward moment.) Oh, Zeus... Oh, Zeus!!! KING And now - die!

48. DIABETES Oh, Zeus - where the hell is Zeus! HEPATITIS (He enters and looks up.) For Christ's sake, let's go with the machine! Lower him! TRICHINOSIS (Enters from the other side.) It's stuck! DIABETES (Giving the cue again.) Oh, great Zeus! CHORUS All men come to the same end. WOMAN I'm not gonna stand here and let him get stabbed like I was on the BMT! KING Grab her. (The GUARD grabs her and stabs her.) WOMAN That's twice this week! Son of a bitch. DIABETES Oh, great Zeus! God, help me! (Effect. Lightning - ZEUS is lowered very clumsily and he jerks around until we see the lowering wire has strangled him. Everyone looks on, stunned.) TRICHINOSIS Something's wrong with the machine! It's out of joint. CHORUS At last, the entrance of God! (But he's definitely dead.)

49. DIABETES God...God? God? God, are you okay? Is there a doctor in the house? DOCTOR (In the audience.) I'm a doctor. TRICHINOSIS The machine got screwed up. HEPATITIS Psst. Get off. You're ruining the play. DIABETES God is dead. DOCTOR Is he covered by anything? HEPATITIS Ad-lib. DIABETES What? HEPATITIS Ad-lib the ending. TRICHINOSIS Somebody pulled the wrong lever. DORIS His neck is broken. KING (Trying to continue the play.) Er...well, messenger...see what you've done. (Brandishes the sword. DIABETES grabs it.) DIABETES (Grabbing sword.) I'll take that.

50. KING What the hell are you doing? DIABETES Kill me, eh? Doris, get over here. KING Phidipides, what are you doing? GUARD Hepatitis, he's ruining the end. CHORUS What're you doing, Phidipides? The king should kill you. DIABETES Says who? Where is it written? No - I choose to kill the king. (Stabs the KING, but the sword is fake.) KING Leave me alone... He's crazy... Stop!... That tickles. DOCTOR (Taking the pulse of the body of GOD.) He's definitely dead. We better move him. CHORUS We don't want to get involved. (They start exiting, carrying GOD off.) DIABETES The slave decides to be a hero! (Stabs the GUARD; the sword is still a fake) GUARD What the hell are you doing? DORIS I love you, Phidipides. (He kisses her.) Please, I'm not in the mood.

52. HEPATITIS My play...my play! (To CHORUS.) Where are you going? KING I'm going to call my agent at the William Morris Agency. Sol Mishkin. He'll know what to do. HEPATITIS This is a very serious play with a message! If it falls apart, they'll never get the message. WOMAN The theater is for entertainment. There's an old saying, if you want to send a message, call Western Union. WESTERN UNION DELIVERY BOY (Enters on a bicycle.) I have a telegram for the audience. It's the author's message. DIABETES Who's he? WESTERN UNION DELIVERY BOY (Dismounts, sings.) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you HEPATITIS It's the wrong message! WESTERN UNION DELIVERY BOY (Reads the wire.) I'm sorry, here it is. God is dead. Stop. You're on your own. And it's signed - The Moscowitz Billiard Ball Company? DIABETES Of course anything is possible. I'm the hero now. DORIS And I just know I'm going to have an orgasm. I know it.

52. WESTERN UNION DELIVERY BOY (Still reads.) Doris Levine can definitely have an orgasm. Stop. If she wants to. Stop. (He grabs her.) DORIS Stop. (In the background a brutish man enters.) STANLEY Stella! Stella! HEPATITIS There is no more reality! Absolutely none. (GROUCHO MARX runs across stage chasing BLANCHE. A MAN in audience rises.) MAN If anything's possible, I'm not going home to Forest Hills! I'm tired of working on Wall Street. I'm sick of the Long Island Expressway! (Grabs a WOMAN in the audience. Rips her blouse off, chases her up the aisle. This could also be an usherette.) HEPATITIS My play... (The characters have left the stage, leaving the two original characters, the author and actor, HEPATITIS and DIABETES.) My play... DIABETES It was a good play. All it needed was an ending. HEPATITIS But what did it mean?

53. DIABETES Nothing...just nothing. HEPATITIS What? DIABETES Meaningless. It's empty. HEPATITIS The ending. DIABETES Of course. What are we discussing? We're discussing the ending. HEPATITIS We're always discussing the ending. DIABETES Because it's hopeless. HIEPATITIS I admit it's unsatisfying. DIABETES Unsatisfying!? It's not even believable. (The lights start dimming.) The trick is to start at the ending when you write a play. Get a good, strong ending, and then write backwards. HEPATITIS I've tried that. I got a play with no beginning. DIABETES That's absurd. HEPATITIS Absurd? What's absurd? BLACKOUT