The Wrong Kind of Love

6/12/13
The Wrong Kind of Love

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Managing unhealthy relationships isnt good enoughwhat you need is a breakthrough. We asked Dr. Tim Clinton how to stop the cycle of destructive patterns.
by Erin Gieschen
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As a practicing counselor for 25 years, Dr. Tim Clinton has seen every kind of broken relationship. Among the unhealthy patterns hes observed, theres one he sees over and over: people who try to fix their family and friends under the guise of loving them. But according to Clinton, our efforts to rescue loved ones often add to the problem. Somewhere down inside, he says, we believe the lie that were responsible for fixing their mess. Somewhere in the midst of good intentions, what starts to take place isnt really love. And it may have as much to do with us as it does the other person. In Touch spoke with Clinton about the shift of perspective needed to transform these unhealthy relationships. In Touch : In your experience, how do these negative patterns of relating usually begin? T im Clinton: Every day I see people caught in relationships in which they feel trapped and exhausted, and honestly don't know what to do. Of course, God made us to love and be loved, so its amazing to be in relationship with someone who mutually loves and cares for you. But everyone has experienced relationships in which we wind up breaking a lot of healthy relationship rules. Often, the person we love is living in denial and refusing to get the help they need, yet we feel driven to help them, even when we know better. The issues may range from outbursts of anger to frivolous spending, from withholding love to justifying a porn addiction. Yet we feverishly defend our actions to protect the other person and tolerate the craziness in the name of love. The hurtful behavior, manipulation, and games may be taking a huge toll on everyone, yet sometimes wed rather have this negative relationship than none at all. What are the signs that indicate were entangled in a relationship that needs a breakthrough? Tolerating abuse, threats, or chaos. Keeping secrets and making excuses for that person, lying to yourself or others, or justifying their bad behavior. Closing your eyes to irresponsible behavior, enabling an addiction, or repeatedly sacrificing to cover up his or her mistakes. Caving in to a raging persons demands, cater-ing to a lazy persons whims, or accepting the blame for something you never did. If we continue in these types of behaviors, we stay stuck. For example, take the mom who covers for her son, even though she knows hes on drugs. She wont tell her husband what hes doing and how he keeps taking money from her, for fear hell kick Joey out. But when the bank account gets overdrawn, she has to face the reality that somethings not working. Think of the girl whos in an abusive relationship, but refuses to break it off because her boyfriend says, Youre all I have. If you leave me, Ill kill myself! But her heart can last only so long, and
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the bruises show that he really doesnt love her. How can we learn the difference between whats truly best for someone from what we think is best? As Henry Cloud and John Townsend point out in their classic book, Boundaries, were responsible to others and for ourselvesnot the other way around. If you dont put boundaries in place and make some hard choices in your relationship, things arent ever going to change. In psychology, we say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and over and over again, expecting different results. It never happens. The truth is, you will end up exactly where you dont want to be: more tired, more frustrated, more angry, in more chaos. Eventually, the whole thing will blow up and youll wind up in a state of brokenness you never dreamed of. Whats the first critical turning point in an unhealthy relationship? It begins with becoming aware of the patterns being lived out in our lives and in our relationship. When you realize that youre tired of someone behaving a certain way, its time to take action and say, I love you, and I just cant do things this way anymore. This is not the way it should be. That aha moment can be the genesis of change. Thats your moment for new life to bloom. That doesnt mean it will be easy. For most of us, change is a sometimes long and difficult process. But one of the reasons I wrote Break Through was to help people develop a tangible plan. You can understand yourself better, gain insights about why you act, feel, and love the way you doand then develop a strategy for bringing about necessary steps of change. Christians want to practice unconditional love. But how can we learn to do so without enabling or perpetuating abuse? Turning the other cheek doesnt mean being a doormat. Other peoples behavior is not our responsibility. Sometimes, loving means taking our hands off the situation, letting go, and trusting God with the outcome. Think about salvation. God gives us the opportunity to accept Him, but He doesnt force or manipulate us. He loves us unconditionally, but there are natural consequences when we choose to sin. It hurts our relationship with Him, it hurts us, and often it hurts those around us. Thats why He establishes clear boundaries for our own good. Its no different in our everyday relationships. There are healthy and Godhonoring ways to love and treat each other, but when we choose to live in a selfish and hurtful way, it causes pain. We have to understand that sometimes love says, This isnt working; what were doing is hurting you and hurting meand it is going to have to change. Saying no and having boundaries that honor whats right and holy allow a relationship to heal. Often, however, fear paralyzes usthat hell get into serious trouble, go bankrupt, kill himself. Or that shell hate me forever, that shell never call me again. I get that. And Im not saying we should be reckless. But change, we must. We have to begin to shift our perspective to trust God with the people we love, rather than continuing these same patterns of trying to fix, manage, or rescue them. Why do so many people confuse pushing back in a destructive relationship with pushing back against Gods will? A number of elements can fuel this confusion. First of all, some of us are naturally gifted as people-helpers, and we may actually find pleasure and sometimes power in rescuing. Secondly, a misunderstanding of grace can sometimes lead us astray. We think, Ive been graced in my life, forgiven and helped, and I feel like its my responsibility to give back to God because of His goodness to me. While this is true, extending grace doesnt mean playing the victim. Thirdly, guilt can cause us to confuse Gods will. We feel overly responsible toward someone else, and so we struggle with not taking responsibility, fearing that something terrible will happen if we dont. Sometimes the reality is that people are in such a mess that they will
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have to bear consequences for their actions. But its not your responsibility to continually rescue them. Theres an old saying that also works here: Give a man a fish and youll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and youll feed him for a lifetime. How can we start seeing our relationships and ourselves more clearly? Committing to delight in the Lord can be that window through which you begin to see everything differently. When you press in and learn more about His lovewho He is and how He sees you, youll understand, first of all, that you are to love God first and others second. Not the other way around. Often, the other person has taken precedence over your relationship with God. And you almost act as if youre their savior, not Jesus. The truth is that He loves and cares for them far more than you do. He wants you to realize your powerlessness to fix or control them, and is calling you to appropriate responsibility: to first let Him work in you. Delighting in the Lord changes us. And the more we become like Jesus, the more we trust in Him and His powerwhich enables us to change further. We begin to gain the courage to tell people the truth and take responsibility for our part, while putting them, their decisions, and their lives in Gods hands. Look for part two of Dr. Clintons interview in our July issue.
Dr. T im Clinton is president of the American Association of Christian Counselors and co-author of Break Through: When to Give In, When to Push Back.
Copyright 2013 In Touch Ministries, Inc. All rights reserved. www.intouch.org. In Touch grants permission to print for personal use only.
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16 comments Add A Comment\(Log in or create an account\)
June 10, 2013 02:08 AM by
A timely article for my situaltion especially on setting boudaries June 09, 2013 09:11 AM by
Thank you for these words of encouragement and truth. I am currently in this type of relationship, where the other person is not getting it. I've mentioned, but to no avail that he needs to speak to someone professionally, but he hasn't, and probably never will. I am at the point of no return and have been for quite sometime. I don't see myself turning back. Please pray for me. Thanks and God bless. June 09, 2013 02:21 AM by
This article is so enlightening and timely for me. I've been seeking answer for my problem and God led me to read this article. Thank you In Touch! June 08, 2013 06:45 PM by
I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years since I married an unbeliever. For those 7 years, I always believed that I must
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extend my grace since i'm the Christian. Truly, God is my shepherd as He lead me back home.I learned to say STOP and had the courage to say it's OVER. June 08, 2013 10:37 AM by
So helpful to me in my current situation! June 08, 2013 02:49 AM by
Thank you for sharing this with us! I now know what is right for me and whats not right. I have been a victim of the wrong kind of love and deceiving my self that every thing will be OK yet I would be going back to where I started from. Am so grateful that you shared this. June 07, 2013 06:27 PM by
Thank you for the inspiration by trusting God in all his ways June 06, 2013 07:35 AM by
As we prepare for our daughter to leave for college this is a great time for me to realize I need to back off and just trust God. I do feel like I've "taught her how to fish"! Thank you for this timely article. June 06, 2013 05:23 AM by
This is confirmation to a situation in my personal life. I have been making excuses for a loved ones behaviors. In turn, I have been emotionally abused and feelng guilty for desiring to put distance in our relationship. June 05, 2013 04:01 PM by
What a timely reminder, to set boundaries and to trust God for people's lives. Thank you In Touch! June 04, 2013 09:40 AM by
I can't tell you how much this article has helped me thank you so very much. June 04, 2013 04:33 AM by
Spending time w/God brings about His love. Thank you Intouch for this article! June 04, 2013 12:57 AM by
A timely message for me, I shall pass this onto family members too. Thankyou so much for this message. June 03, 2013 11:49 PM by
Good words! and here on God's clock not mine - as I want to wish that I has seen or read these words before my marriage died.........
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June 02, 2013 08:05 AM Thank you for this truth!
June 01, 2013 01:40 AM by
wow! a word in due season ;-)
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6/12/13