TheSecretofTznius

AKabbalisticlookatPersonalDignityandModesty
Excerptfrom'SodHatznius'

ByRabbiYekusielFish,AuthorofSodHaChashmal TranslatedbyRabbiEliyahuYaakov,AuthorofJewishByChoice

According to Kabbalah, during marital intimacy, there is a shefa of life given over from Godtothehusbandandthewife.However,thewifereceivesthisshefabywayofherhusband, asitsays,Seelifewiththewomanthatyouloved(Ecc.9:9).AswediscussedinthebookSod HaChetzi, the husband transfers half the shefa he receives to his wife, and in the merit of this transferenceherenewstheshefahehascomingtohim.Thisparallelsthatwhichtakesplacein theSefiroticsystem: Abba gives to Ima half of theshefa hereceivesfrom the world abovehim. And from this halfshefa, Ima gives birth to Zeir Anpin and Nukva. Zeir Anpin and Nukva then unifyinthesamemannerandNukvagivesbirthtotheworldbelowher.

Similarly, the Arizal says (Shaar Maamarei Rashbi p. 9) that a woman has the life force forher365sinews,butreceivesthelifeforceforher248limbsfromherhusbandatthetimeof marital union. In fact, since she is dependent upon her husband for the life force of her 248 limbs, she is exempt from some of the 248 positive commandments, because the bodys limbs are the physical parallel of the spiritual 248 positive commandments. (Specifically, a woman is exempt from positive commandments that are timebound. See Shaar Maamarei Rashbi for thereasoning.) For this reason, the Rekanti on Parshat Lech Lecha teaches that Sarahs being taken twiceoncebyPharoahandoncebyAvimelechhintstotheBeisHamikdashbeingdestroyed twice. At first glance this requires explanation. After all, Pharoah and Avimelech never actually did anything to Sarah so why were their mere thoughts about doing something to Sarah so impactful? Similarly, the Talmud (Yoma 29a) states that the thought of sin has more of an impactthanthesinitself. If another man has thoughts about a woman, her shefa descends by way of the improper thoughts of this individual the thinker steals the shefa from her. Despite the fact thathedidntdoanyactionwhatsoever;thethoughtitselfstealstheshefa. This theft has a damaging impact on the woman being thought about as well as the wife of the thinker. The woman being thought about does not receive the shefa that was truly
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designated for her, and the thinkers wife now receives the shefa that was truly designed for the woman her husband had improper thoughts about. This results in the thinkers wife not receiving the lifeforce that God truly designated for her, leading her to feel that something is lackingandmissinginherlife. Thus,wefindintheTenCommandmentsthatthedirectivesnottocommitadulteryand nottostealwereplacednexttoeachother,hintingthattheadultererisalsoathief. So, even though Pharaoh and Avimelech didnt do any action with Sarah, the thought itself caused Sarahs holy shefa to come down to them, and this paved the way for the future destructionsofthetwoTemples. WhatistheconnectionbetweentheTemplesandSarah? In order to properly explain the connection between the Temples and Sarah, we must first give a brief overview of the MaleFemale dynamic in Kabbalah: Male refers to inner essence, whereas Female refers to outer expression. The union between Male and Female occurswhentheouterexpression(Female)matchestheinneressence(Male). The Temple is the place of union between Kudsha Breech Hu and the Shecheena God andHisPresence.Ortoputitanotherway,itistheplacewherethelevelofouterexpression of God (Shecheena/ Female) is elevated to unite with the inner essence that all is God (KudshaBreechHu/Male). In a certain respect, Sarah was the personification of the Shecheena concept. She corresponds to the allinclusive expression of God that was present in the Beis Hamikdash. Thus,ifPharaohandAvimelechstoletheshefaofSarahwiththeirthoughtsabouther,itisasif they stole the shefa of the Shecheena itself therefore the illicit thoughts of Pharaoh and AvimelechledtothedestructionoftheTemples. My father Rabbi Yaakov Fish Shlit"a adds that the destruction of the first Beis Hamikdash, which was caused by Pharaohs illicit thoughts about Sarah lasted only seventy years since it was thoughts that caused it and nothing more. However, the destruction of the second Beis Hamikdash, which was caused by Avimelechs illicit thoughts has now lasted approximately 2,000 years since Avimelech did more than just think about Sarah, as related in theMidrash(YalkutVayera90). Similarly,theSunMoondynamicisanexpressionoftheMaleFemaledynamic.Thesun givesforthlight,butitisonlybywayofthemoonsreceivingthatlightandmakingitaccessible to us, that it actually becomes something practical and usable for us (at night). Interestingly, a versedescribingMoshiach'stimestates,Thelightofthemoonwillbelikethelightofthesun. In Hebrew, the backronym (endletters) of this verse are the letters resh, hey, resh, hey,
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whichalsocanbearrangedtospellHeeRHuR,meaningtothink,hintingthatthethoughtofthe husband (the sun) brings light to his wife (the moon). Just as the goal in this world is for the outer expression of God to become united with the inner reality that all is God, so too, in marriage,thegoalisfortheshefathewifeisreceivingtobeunitedwithhertrueshefaabove andthatisdependentontheHeeRHuR(thethoughts)ofherhusband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whatcomesoutfromthisisthatthemanwhoseesthathiswifeisactingimmodestlyin herdressandspeechmusttakenoteandreevaluatehisownconductandthoughts.Hemustbe extremelycarefulnottolookatorthinkaboutanotherwoman.Inparticular,duringthetimeof marital intimacy as explained in the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 240:2). He must do all in his power to ensure that he is giving over to his wife her true shefa; the shefa that will endow her withcompletesatisfactionsothatshewillnotgosearchingforitinotherplaces,Godforbid. Additionally, the woman who feels she is not getting the attention she needs must recognize that searching for it outside her marriage will only cause an increase in her ultimate feeling of dissatisfaction. After all, receiving attention from men other than her husband only makes her more prone to having her shefa stolen. On the other hand, acting with tzniut increases the likelihood that she will merit to receive her true shefa from her husband and throughthiscometosatisfactionandwholenessinlife. Based on all we have said, we can understand why the Torah refers to marital intimacy as knowledge, as it says, And Adam knew his wife Eve. (Gen. 4:1) Certainly, one who gives overtheshefaoflifetoanotherknowstheiressence. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Talmud (Yevamos 63b) says, "A beautiful woman her husband is lucky, his days are double". Rashi explains that he is happy with her and feels like his days are double. Just as we learned that when the woman is modest she is beautiful in her husband's eyes, he then receivesherlifeforce,hershefa,topassovertoher,andhisdaysareactuallydouble. In many verses, we see that a modest wife is similar to a treasure found, a 'Metziah'. (Proverbs 8, 22) "Found a wife found good", and (Proverbs 31, 1) "Eshes Chayil who shall find?" The woman is dependent upon her husband for her life force, and since the husband finds her life force during marital intimacy, she is as if he found a new treasure, a 'Metziah', everytimeasnew.Thisisthesecretwhymaritalintimacyis donethroughattractivenesswhich in Hebrew is called "Metzias" Chen, finding charm, as if he finds a new treasure, a 'Metziah' everytimeasnew.

Similar to all we have outlined, the Zohar (Terumah 171a) teaches that the Shecheena does not dwell outside of Eretz Yisroel. The Shecheena is the archetypical dignified and modest woman that does not go outward towards others. Accordingly, the Shecheena doesnt wanttogooutside(ofEretzYisroel)sothathershefaisnotstolen. We find in the Arizal (Sefer HaLikutim, Matos 262) that the tribes of Reuven, Gad, and half of Menashe did not enter Eretz Yisroel because of issues having to do with thought. Reuvens conception occurred when Yaakov was with Leah while thinking it was Rachel. And Gads conception occurred when Yaakov was with Zilpa while thinking he was with Leah. Menasheisrootedinthemitzvahofgidhanashe,whichistheothersideofYesod,whichcan beseenbythefactthatthegidhanasheisattheendofthespineandtheyesodisattheendof the spine. Combine this with the fact that his mother was the daughter of Shechem ben Chamor, and we see that in this area there was a problem from the side of his mother, therefore,halfofthetribeofMenashedoesnotenterEretzYisroel. The Zohar (Vayetze 155a) explains that a mans thinking of another woman during intimacy resultsin a soul exchange,and the sonfromsuchaunionisreferredtoasa soulof exchange.TheZohar(Vayetze155b)alsostatesthatthethoughtduringintimacyisthemain thing i.e. that the thought attaches to the seed of the man, and everything goes in accordancewiththatthought.TheTalmud(Nedarim20b)alsodeclaresthatachildbornfroma union in which a man was thinking of another woman during intimacy is considered close to thestatusofmamzer. In fact, we find this principle come to light in the Talmud (ibid.) An individual said, I shall not put my eye on another woman lest his children come close to the status of mamzerus.Theobviousquestionhereisthatheshouldhavesaidlestmychildrencomeclose to the status of mamzerus. What is meant by his children? Rabbi Mordechai Gross Shlit"a explainsthattheindividualwassayingthathedoesntwanttothinkaboutanotherwomanlest her and her husbands children come close to the status of mamzerus due to the effect the thinker has on that which he is thinking about. According to all we have outlined, we can further explain that since her true shefa will have been stolen due to the thoughts of the thinker,herchildrenwillnotbeentirelyfromhershefaandtheywillhaveacertainclosenessto thestatusofmazerus.Thisshouldbeawakeupcalltomenabouttherealeffectsofwherethey put their eyes and their thoughts, as well as to women regarding the real effects of immodest conduct. Thus, it is brought in the name of the Vilna Gaon that just as a man has the mitzvah to put all his effort into Torah learning, a woman has the mitzvah to put all her effort into Tznius. According to what we have written the reason for this is clear. Just as a mans learning Torah

brings him his true shefa in a holy manner, a womans dignified and modest conduct does the sameforher. ~~~~~~~~~~

The song Eishes Chayil refers to the plenty, which a man receives from his wife, as the spoils of war (Proverbs 31:2). Additionally, the Yerushalmi learns the Mitzva of "pru u'rvu, (marry and bare children) v'chivshuha" (to conquer); who is the one who conquers? The man. The Arizal refers to the seed of a man as arrows that are shot (Likutei Torah, Shoftim), and the Talmud compares the yesod of a man to a sword (Bava Metzia 84b) and the yesod of a woman toaweapon(AvodaZara25b).Thesequotationsallseemhardtounderstand;whatdospoilsof warhavetodowiththeblessingthatmanreceivesinhiswife'smerit?Whydoesitsoundlikea man'swifeiscomparedtoaconqueredenemywhosespoilsofwararetaken? AhusbandandwifeareoneunitthataredividedintothesideofChessedandthesideof Gevura the man is the concept of Chessed and the woman is the concept of Gevura. Archetypical Chessed is the concept of unending giving forth of energy in potential, whereas archetypical Gevura is the concept of constant actualization and quantification of that energy. Chessed is limitless but unusable and impractical, whereas Gevura is limited but usable and practical. The side of Gevura is where the Yetzer Hara mainly stays, and even if it seems to be friendly, the Yetzer Hara is man's greatest enemy. This is why it is important that the man should lead the spiritual part of life in the Jewish home, just as the Yetzer Tov controls the YetzerHara.Theshefaofmoneythatcomestothemanistrulyinthemeritofhiswife,anditis essentially her portion. Money is rooted in Gevura and is therefore the portion of the woman.AstheTalmud(BabaMetzia59a)teaches:RabbiChelbosaid:Amanshouldalwaysbe careful with his wifes honor because blessing is only bestowed on his house for her sake. In addition, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov teaches (Likutei Moharan 59) that a mans money comes to him by way of his spouse, through the light of her soul the money comes to him, that lights sparkleandexpandfromthelightofhersoul,andtheselightsbringtheplentyofmoney.Thisis why marital intimacy is comparable to a battle. That the man conquers the portion and money that belongs to his wife and takes the spoils of war. This is the reason that the Talmud comparestheyesodofamantoaswordandtheyesodofawomantoaweapon,andtheArizal referstotheseedofamanasarrows. In case of union of klippa when the husband and wife are not modest, (Klippa here refers to that which is external and lacking real substance) the intimacy is like war, the woman wants the shefa that comes by way of the man, and the man wants the money that comes by way of the woman. However, marital intimacy in which each side is looking to do good for the other, leads to unity and peace. In such a union, both sides understand that God created the world in such a way that the woman has nothing on her own, and she needs her husband to
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transfer her shefa, and that he gains from her shefa as well. This is a union of kedusha (holiness), they both want the conquering and merit the spoils of war. This is why the Chofetz Chaim wrote that all of the man's success in finances are in the merit of Tznius, since a woman whoisnotmodest,herlifeisstolenandhermoneyistaken. Before a woman is married, the money she has coming to her from above is transferred to her by way of her father. For this reason, the Talmud (Bava Basra 141a) teachesthatamanisbetteroffhavingdaughtersthansonswhenitcomestohisfinances.Once married, the money she has coming to her from above is transferred to her by way of her husband. The Chassam Sofer writes (answers of Even Haezer part 2, 170) that a widow and widower are called "Alman" or "Almanah" to hint that they do not have real livelihood, (Al Man,nofood.)sincetherealplentyisdependentonmarriage.TheSodHatzniusarticleexplains at length why the Talmud (Sota 10a) refers to marital intimacy as grinding wheat. In addition, the Arizal refers to the seed of a man as the wheat that comes out from the grinding stones. Thearticlealsoexplainstheconnectionbetweenmoney,whichiscalledDamim,blood,andthe bloodofawoman'syesod. ~~~~~~~~~~ The Midrash (Tanchuma Vayishlach 5) says, "Women must not wear jewelry outside, because simple people may look at her and this is not to her honor. Jewelry was given to a womanforuseinherhome,asnottocauseanopeningbeforeathief".Fromthis,welearnthat awoman,whocausesothermantosin,opensthedoorforthieves.TheMidrashteachesusthe secret,whythissiniscalled'Pritzus',asshecreatesanopening,a'Pirtza',forothermentosteal herownshefa. We can now understand why the Talmud states that a man ought to take a lesson from a rooster who appeases his mate before cohabitation (Eruvin 100b). After all, we might have asked why a woman needs to be appeased whenit comes tosomethingthat she desiresand in whichshetakespleasure.However,nowthatwerecognizethatthereisabattleandataking of spoils occurring in this act, the necessity for appeasement in order to achieve a union of kedushaconsistingofmutualconsentiseasilyunderstood. Additionally,wenowseeadeeperreasonfortheKiddushinofamanandwomantaking place by way of the man giving something of monetary value to the woman with the woman willingly receiving it. Upon getting married, the couples shefa and monetary success comes by way of their inner thoughts and outer conduct. Just as she is sanctified and betrothed to him, her shefa is sanctified and betrothed to him. If the man has the proper thoughts and the woman has appropriate conduct, all will be passed smoothly from husband to wife. Therefore,
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the act that actually binds the marriage entails the groom giving over to his bride something of financialvalue. In particular, the item of value that the groom typically gives over to his bride in the marriage ceremony is a ring a piece of jewelry. This implies that her jewelry is to play a role within their marriage as opposed to using jewelry to draw attention from those outside their marriage,God forbid.Insteadofbeingavehicleby which her shefais stolen by another man, awomansjewelryistobeavehiclethathelpshershefacometoherbywayofherhusband. ~~~~~~~~~ The Vilna Gaon explains in his commentary to Sefer Yetzira that the twelve senses of humanexperiencecorrespondtothetwelvetribesandthesenseofthoughtcorrespondsto the tribe Yissachar. The name Yissachar connects the Hebrew words yesh schar, meaning contains reward. Perhaps this is a hint that a person who properly rules over his sense of thoughtmeritsgreatspiritualreward. Additionally, the Medrash (Bamidbar Rabba 1:3) states that Tznius is beautiful. Another Medrash (Pesikta 46:1) relates, There is nothing more endearing to God than Tznius. We see the concepts of beauty and endearment in relation to Tznius. Accordance to what we have written,wecanunderstandareasonwhy:Thosewhoactinthedignifiedandrighteousmanner of Tznius in their thoughts and actions, arouse feelings of beauty and endearment since their transferofshefaandtheirconnectioniscomplete.

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