The Monster in the Closet Im going to get help.

Corys motionless but the words run chaotically past my eyes and I turn to stare at him. He keeps his eyes aimed at the sky. I study his face, the curve of his mouth and the strong Roman arch of his nose. I study the corners of his eyes, to catch the grimace of a lie. Ill call today. He sounds sincere, and I want to believe him. It is a step he hasnt taken before. But remembering the last five years makes me uncertain. His dark brown hair and cheerful blue eyes catch my attention. My first semester at PLU, and I was terrified, especially about Economics, what I had heard was the hardest class a freshy would take. He was one of those guys that a girl like me shied away from. He sat with a chattering group, looked like an upperclassmen, and actually seemed to enjoy the class, taking lots of detailed notes. I spent a lot more time watching him write notes than I took writing my own. The way his hand moved, the scrunch of his nose that I could barely see from my spot a row behind and several to the left, were fascinating. One time he glanced towards me and I almost threw my pencil in my haste to engross myself in writing gibberish. After class I walked behind him carefully, trying not to draw attention, towards my next class. I sighed with relief when I looked at my schedule: English. Now this I could do. However, he was headed to the same room, apparently. He held the door open for me, and glanced at my face with a glimmer of recognition. You were in Econ, werent you? Im Cory. He stuck out his hand. Megan. He followed me inside and sat next to me, and I was a bit dazed, trying to focus on the class subject instead of the way he would grin whenever I glanced over. I blushed a

little when he didnt just rush out after class ended, instead taking up the conversation from where we had begun. Youre a freshman, right? Howd you get in this class? Its usually only for sophomores. He held the door again for me. Why were you in a freshman econ class? I bit my tongue, surprised at my daring return, but he just laughed. Took a French class last year instead. Your turn. We walked until my next classroom, and by then I was dizzy with happiness. Cmon, Meg, you know this one. I stared at the flashcard so hard he started to laugh. No teasing! My eyes were on his now, the Spanish term forgotten. I couldnt believe it when he offered to help me with my finalhe wasnt even taking the class. Okay, he said seriously. Get this one right and well finish. Theres one chocolate left. I laughed. Reward systems never fail me, especially with Hershey kisses. Poror is popcorn. Pay up. I held my hand out. He pushed my hand away and leaning in, kissed me. She smiled into the kiss and when they pulled apart, she mumbled. Cory looked at her with a raised eyebrow. How cheesy, she repeated, and Cory laughed before kissing her again. They day we graduatedtogether only because Cory was double majoring in international affairs and FrenchI couldnt imagine being any happier. Looking at my left hand with a grin, I cheered when Cory spoke before we got our diplomas. Of course he was Magna Cum Laude, and Student Body Vice President. Caty smiled at me so I knew she had noticed what I was looking at. I squeezed my best friends hand, thinking about how she would be

leaving for home soon, but focused on my handsome fiancs speech. I flushed with pride when he smiled at me, and again when we were pronounced graduates. Megan? Hes worried now, cant understand my silence. Okay, baby. He looks relieved. I just sip at my coffeeI made it too strong, but I cant think of anything else to do. I remember when he had seemed so normal, but how I should have seen signs, how I should have made him get help earlier. Hon? I looked in shock around the roommy room, which now seemed like it had been turned upside down and inside out. Cory was pulling the bed over to the other side of the room, and the desk was standing beside the bathroom now instead of by the window. When I had left that morning he was still sleeping; we had been out late and I had let him stay over. I had a 9am class though, so I had kissed him on the cheek before sliding out of the covers and getting ready. Now, a mere hour later, my room was like this. Oh hi, Babe. I couldnt sleep so I decided to clean up a bit, and then thought maybe the room needed some changing. Dont you like it? I looked at him a little dazed. We had gone to bed maybe three hours ago, and I thought he would be asleep till his class at one. Yeahyeah, its nice Cory. He smiled happily and continued dragging the bed. He was full of energy that entire day while I felt sluggish, but I thought maybe he didnt need that much sleep. The first day I met his parents he was moody. He put a smile on for his parents, but I could tell he wasnt doing well. Later that night I asked him why. Im fine.

You dont look fine. Fuck, Megan, I dont need to put on a smile every five seconds just to be happy. Just leave me the fuck alone and maybe Id be able to put a smile on. His growl bit at me like toohot water that feels icy from the pain, and he instantly softened. Megan. Meg. Im sorry okay? I didnt mean it. Im just tired. I smiled shakily and accepted his kiss before lying back down. He slept for thirteen hours that night, not waking up until 1pm. I went down about ten when I realized he wouldnt be able to get up. He does this sometimes, his mom said. I think it is his way of resetting, getting over a bad mood. Nothing to worry about. I agreed, ignoring the uncertain look on her face as she said it. It was a short engagement; we married only four months after graduation, the day after he had proposed. After marriage I hardly saw my friends, only ever keeping in touch with Caty, who was back in Minnesota helping her parents and volunteering at hospitals. I postponed my novel and got a job as a secretary. Cory was visibly upset. You shouldnt give up your dreams. But he was spending money as fast as he got it, on the paint for the house that he never used, or the expensive riding lawn mower that sat in the back with dust gathering on its red veneer. As our marriage progressed, so did his problems. The yelling got louder, lasted longer, and sometimes he even left. He always apologized. And I stood it. I think I was afraid, but not for me. I was afraid if I left he wouldnt ever recover, would just get worse and worse. Last night thoughlast night had been bad. I looked at Cory. He almost seemed like a completely different person, his face was so relaxed and he was telling me about the plans he had for the house plans that I knew wouldnt ever get past the first stage, they never didand not noticing or

ignoring my quiet, closed-off look. Only barely listening, I nodded. Thought about how it started this time; in my lap my hands close around each other, hiding the ragged stubs that are my fingernails. I just dont understand why you wont stop, Cory growled. It fucking hurts you, and you still bite them. Whats the point? Just stop. There is no arguing, because, in a way, hes right. Sometimes I just get to the end of a particularly stressful day, look at my nails, and realize I had tore at them until they were about to bleed. Only then is it painful, when I notice. Fucking look at me! He yelled at me for what felt like weeks. My hands clenched into fists so tight that even my tiny nails bit into the flesh. I didnt feel it though, not even after he stormed out the door, slamming it so that the frame shook. The car roared into life and flew down the driveway, taking a sharp turn onto the street and out of sight. Hes left before, of course, but it doesnt stop the clench of my stomach, the sharp intake of breath. It terrifies me, as it always does, like a monster in the closet. Hidden in the shadows, it taunts me. The sudden coldness sends a spark of tension through my body, immobilizing and alive all at once, throwing my every molecule into a jumbled disaster. I let my legs buckle, and slip down to the floor. Wonder if I will stay there like I always do, or if this time I have the courage to leave. Taking a deep breath, I listen hard. Maybe he will come back now. I just want to hear the crunch of gravel, announcing his return. Hear the soft tread on the kitchen linoleum, then the change to the padded carpet, before kneeling beside me and breathing his apology, kissing my neck and promising it wont happen again. I think I heard a crunch so I become immobile, straining to hear the car. It was my imagination though, and a dry sob racks through my body. But I wont cry.

Instead, I stand. I grab my notepad, the only source of comfort to me now, and write it all down. Get it out of my head, four pages of cramped scrawl that looks as messed up as I feel. Cory was the one who convinced me to get this more expensive notepadhe said if I got a quality pad then Id write quality stuff, and the agents would have to take it. Of course, that hasnt happened yet. No inspiration, nothing from my boring desk job, nothing from the home that has become loud only with the tension of our caution around each other. Finally, I set the pen down. I grab my lighterI started smoking about a year after we got marriedand head to the bathroom sink. As I watch the pages curl and twist into nothing, I think maybe this time I can be strong. Souh His hesitation pulls me out of my thoughts. From the look on his face I guess he said something, which I ignored. What do you say? Cory says finally. Are youare you going to come back home? I look around the backyard of my best friends house. It had taken a four-hour plane ride, and a lot of money for the expensive last-minute flight, but being back with my friend, even if it was in Minnesota, was worth it. The call had surprised her, but Caty had said to visit, had asked her husband for the sky miles password, and told me to find the quickest flight out there. The taxi dropped me off at the entrance at ten, and I had to sleep in the airport until there was an open flight that morning. During that time I had gotten ten calls, all from Cory. I ignored them. Now I just looked at him for a while. I like Minnesota. His face fell. I hadnt expected him to fly out here, didnt really know how he knew I was here. I see him looking at my left hand, his eyes starting to glisten a bit. I quit my job, and Im going to try writing again. I might just stay with Caty for a while. Oh. The sadness in his face almost made me change my mind. Caty had made me promise to stay with my original plan, though. I knew she was right. Well, I want you to know.

I scheduled an appointment with that doctor, and an appointment with a counselor. I am going to get help. I looked at him sadly. I know. The weight in those two words removes any last doubts he had. If his face had drooped earlier, now his entire body slumps and his eyes are wet; the dejection is unbearable. I turn away, so he wont see the tears at the corners of my eyes. Ill keep you updated. And I-I hope you will come home soon. I dont think I can live without you. I hear him walking away, and I let the tears fall.