THE CHARISMA EXERCISES

The following quick summaries bring together key exercises detailed throughout this
book.
Presence
Set a timer for one minute. Close your eyes and try to focus on one of three things:
1. Sounds: Scan your environment for sound. Imagine your ears are satellite dishes,
passively registering sounds.
2. Your breath: Focus on your breath and the sensations it creates in your nostrils or
stomach as it goes in and out.
3. Your toes: Focus your attention on the sensations in your toes.

Responsibility Transfer
Whenever you feel your brain rehashing possible outcomes to a situation, try a transfer
of responsibility to alleviate the anxiety.
1. Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.
2. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine draw- ing clean air toward
the top of your head. As you exhale, let it whoosh out, washing all your worries
away.
3. Imagine lifting the weight of everything youre concerned about off your shoulders
and placing it in the hands of whichever benevolent entity youd like to put in
charge.
Now that everything is taken care of, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good
you can find along the way.

Destigmatizing Discomfort
The next time an uncomfortable emotion is hindering you, try this step-by-step guide to
destigmatizing:
1. Remind yourself that this is normal and that we all experience it from time to time.
2. Think of others who have gone through this, especially people you admire.
3. Remember that right now, in this very moment, many others are going through
this very same experience.Neutralizing Negativity
Use these techniques anytime youre having persistent negative thoughts and youd like
to lessen their effects.
Remember that these thoughts may be inaccurate.
See your thoughts as graffiti on a wall or as little electrical impulses.
Depersonalize the experience. Observe it as a scientist might:
How interesting, there are self-critical thoughts arising.
Imagine yourself from afar. Zoom out to see planet Earth hanging in space. Zoom
back in to see your tiny self having a particular experience at this particular moment.
Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; turn the volume down or put the
radio to the side.
Rewriting Reality
If a persistent mental annoyance is causing irritation, use one of these techniques to
imagine an alternative reality in order to regain a calm internal state:

 Ask yourself a few times, What if this experience is, in fact, a good thing for me? and
watch how creative your mind can get with its answers.
When youre dealing with more serious situations, write down your new realities by
hand. Write: The presentation is going well . . . Or, better yet, use past tense: The
presentation was a complete success . . .
Getting Satisfaction
Think of someone who has aggrieved you.
Take a blank page and write them a letter saying everything you wish you had ever
told them. Make sure you write it out by hand.
When youve gotten absolutely everything off your mind, put the letter aside.
Now write their answer, apologizing for everything theyve
done and taking responsibility for all their hurtful actions.
For maximum effect, reread their apology a few times over the course of a week
Delving into Sensations
To practice your endurance in uncomfortable situations, find a quiet, comfortable spot
to sit with a partner, and set a timer for thirty seconds.
Look into your partners eyes. As soon as you become aware of discomfort, notice
where the feelings are located in your body.
Delve into each sensation as much as you can; feel its texture. Describe each as if you
were a chef describing a featured dish.
Let the discomfort build. Observe and name the sensations you feel: hot, cold,

tightness in your jaw, a knot in your stomach.

Resist the urge to laugh, talk, or relieve the discomfort.
Try the same practice again, this time giving yourself continu- ous encouragement.
Remind yourself that your efforts will reap rewards and that the discomfort will pass.
Stretching Your Comfort Zone
Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. When youre standing or sitting near
someone, see if theres something theyre looking at that could give you something with
which to start the conversation.
Lets say youre in a coffee shop waiting in line. You could make any small comment
about the pastries, and follow with an open- ended question (one that cannot be
answered with a yes or no). Say something like: Im trying to decide which is most
sinful: the muffin, the brownie, or the coffee cake. How would you rank them?

Visualization
Close your eyes and relax. Employ your senses as you focus on a moment in your life
when you felt triumphant:
Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause.
See peoples smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration.
Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes.
Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.

Gratitude
For quick gratitude access, find three things you can approve of right now. Scan your
body and your environment for little, tangible things you could be grateful for.
1.
2.
3
Compassion
Take the three steps below to practice compassion for someone:
1. Imagine their past. What was it like growing up in their family and experiencing
their childhood?
2. Imagine their present. Put yourself in their place. See through their eyes. Imagine
what they might be feeling right now.
3. Imagine delivering their eulogy.Self-Compassion
Keep a self-compassion list. Jot down five ways that you already care for yourself when
youre having a hard time. If youre on a roll, go for ten. Star those that are particularly
effective.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Metta
The visualization below will guide you through Metta step-by-step. If youd prefer to hear
me guide you through this exercise, youll find a recording at the top of this page.
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take two or three deep breaths, letting them
wash all your worries away.
Think of any occasion in your life when you performed a good deed, however great or
small.
Now think of a beingpresent, past, mythical, or actual; per- son, pet, or even stuffed
animalthat you can imagine having warm affection for you.
Picture this being in your mind, and see their warmth, kindness, and compassion.
Imagine their affection and let it envelop you.
Feel them give you complete forgiveness for everything your inner critic says isnt
good enough about you or your life.
Feel them giving you complete acceptance as you are right now, with all your
imperfections, at this stage of your progression.

Using Your Body to Change Your Mind

Try out the following postures to see for yourself just how powerfully the position of your
body can affect your mind and your feelings:
Adopt the body language of someone whos depressed. Let your shoulders slump,
head hang, and face sag. Without moving a muscle, try to feel really, truly excited. Its
nearly impossible.
Now do the opposite. Physically spring into excitement. Jump up and down, smile the

biggest smile you can, wave your arms in the air, and while doing all this, try to feel
depressed. Again, its nearly impossible.

The Perfect Handshake

1. Keep your right hand free.
2. Use plenty of eye contact, and smile warmly but briefly.
3. Keep your head straight and face the other person.
4. Keep your hand perpendicular, thumb pointing straight to the ceiling.
5. Get full palm contact by draping your hand diagonally downward.
6. Wrap your fingers around your counterparts hand.
7. Once you make full contact, squeeze to their level of firmness.
8. Shake from the elbow, step back, and then let go.
Great Listening
In your next conversation, see if you can practice not interrupting. Let the other person
interrupt, and from time to time wait a second or two before you answer while letting
your face show the impact of what theyve just said.

Voice Fluctuation
You can gain great insights into your own voice fluctuation by practicing sentences with
a tape recorder. Repeat a sentence several times with as wide a variation in styles as
you can. Say it with authority, with anger, with sorrow, with empathetic care and
concern, with warmth, and with enthusiasm.

Vocal Power

The guidelines below will help you broadcast power through your voice.
1. Speak slowly. Visualize the contrast between a nervous, squeaky teenager
speaking at high speed and the slow, emphatic tone of a judge delivering a
verdict.
2. Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will
pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a
sentence. This conveys the feeling that theyre so confident in their power, they
trust that people wont interrupt.
3. Drop intonation. You know how a voice rises at the end of a question? Just reread
the last sentence and hear your voice go up at the end. Now imagine an assertion:
a judge saying This case is closed. Feel how the intonation of the word closed
drops. Lowering the intonation of your voice at the end of a sentence broadcasts
power. When you want to sound super-confident, you can even lower your
intonation mid-sentence.
4. Check your breathing. Make sure youre breathing deeply into your belly and
inhale and exhale through your nose rather than your mouth. Breathing through
your mouth can make you sound breathless and anxious.
Charismatic Seating Choices
The next time you want to establish warm rapport with someone, avoid a
confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree
angle from them. These are the positions in which we feel most comfortable. In fact, this
is an exercise you can try out with a partner.
Start a conversation at a 90-degree angle
After five minutes, change positions so that youre sitting across from each other.
Youll likely feel a clear difference in comfort level.
After another five minutes, move back to a 90-degree angle, and feel the difference.

 Finally, come back to your original position sitting next to each other.
Pay close attention to the rise and fall of feelings of trust and comfort throughout the
exercise.

Being the Big Gorilla

Use this exercise when you want to both feel and broadcast confidencefor instance
before a key meeting, or with someone whos a bit intimidating.
1. Make sure you can breathe. Loosen any clothing if need be.
2. Stand up and shake up your body.
3. Take a wide stance and plant your feet firmly on the ground.
4. Stretch your arms to the ceiling.
5. Stretch your arms to the walls on either side of you.
6. INFLATE. Try to take up as much space as possible.
7. Roll your shoulders up and then back.
8. Imagine yourself as a four-star general reviewing his troops.Puff up your chest,
broaden your shoulders, and put your arms behind your back.
Mid-course Corrections
Check your body. Make sure no tense posture is worsening your internal state.
Take a deep breath, relax your body.
Destigmatize and dedramatize. This happens to everyone, and it will pass.
If any negative thoughts are present, remember that theyre just thoughts, and not
necessarily valid.

 Find little things to be grateful for: your ability to breathe, the fact that you will still be
alive by the end of this.
Imagine getting a great hug from someone you trust for twenty seconds (of course,
you may not have twenty seconds, but if you do, this is remarkably effective).
Once your threat response is quieted down, to bring yourself back into a state of
confidence remember a moment in your life when you felt absolute triumph. Thanks to
your brains inability to distinguish imagination from reality, your body will be filled with
the same cocktail of chemicals (yes, were helping you play chemist with your brain) as it
was during that confidence-filled moment, thereby changing your body language into
exactly what you need to be impressive, persuasive, and inspiring again.

Showing Vulnerability
Think of the next low-stakes conversation youre going to have and follow the steps
below to show a little vulnerability:
Select a small vulnerability you could share.
To prepare, perform a responsibility transfer for the outcome of this exercise.
During the conversation, ease into the sharing by saying You know, I have to tell you .
.. Or prepare the terrain with Im feeling a bit nervous about saying this, but . . .
Ask for their confidentiality. Not only will this make you feel safer, it will make people
treasure the moment. People love secrets.
Perform a quick responsibility transfer immediately after sharing the vulnerability.