A MURDER AT THE REGENCY

A Solve-It-Yourself Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre

By
Cody Daigle

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 1

MONA MALONE
SAM SULLY SULLIVAN
RONA REYNOLDS
EARL LESTER
BEBE BENNETT
BOBBY BANNER
EMCEE

THE VICTIM
The one who gets whacked.
THE SUSPECTS
The stage manager at the Regency
A showgirl with a beef against the star.
The fianc from Ohio.
THE REGENCY FOLKS
A showgirl with nothing to hide.
The owner of the Regency
THE PERFORMERS
The one who runs the show.
I Got Rhythm

GIRL ONE
GIRL TWO
BOY ONE
BOY TWO
The Vaudeville Duo
BETTE
BETTY
The Swing Dancers
Stand Up Comedian
HARRY HARDY-HAR HARRISON

SHOES SHANNIGAN
OFFICER JIM
OFFICER JOHN
OFFICER JACK

THE POLICE FORCE

A detective with a lot of opinions.

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The script is divided into five parts: The Setup, The Opening Number, The Meal, The Show, and
The Arrest.

The Setup and the Opening Number are performed together. Following The Opening Number,
theres a break to serve the audience. The Show and The Arrest are performed after the meal
break.

The Meal guides you through the serving section and how the information should be doled out.
The script is less strict here, you can play with lines and ad lib a lot. But stick to the structure
the information comes back in the second half. And dont add red herring information just for
fun. You want to guide the audience, not confuse them.

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THE SETUP
Preshow at the Regency. SAM SULLY SULLIVAN, the stage manager appears onstage to
check the cues. Frank is the unseen lightboard op in the booth
SULLY
Alright, Frank, give me the spotlight!
Perfect. How about that cue for the dancers?
Perfect. And how about that special for Miss Mona Malone?
Perfect. Unless she decides she wants to change it. Again. Then well leave her out here
in the dark, wont we Frank?
Sully gets a good laugh at that.
SULLY (cont.)
Serve her right. Just cuz youre the doll on the arm of the boss doesnt mean you can boss the
rest of us around. Like shes a star, you know what I mean, Frank? Chorus girl from Ohio
They dont make no stars in Ohio, right Frank?
Got to tell you, Frank, Im getting sick and tired of Miss Mona Malone ordering me
around and treating me like Im some stagehand that aint never been nowhere. What I wouldnt
give for her to just up and disappear. Or have somebody make her disappear.
Might even do it myself.
Give me the full stage wash, would you, Frank?
From the back of the theatre, we hear two giggly female voices RONA REYNOLDS and BEBE
BENNETT, two girls from the show.
RONA
You didnt?
BEBE
Clear as day.
RONA
Where?
BEBE
Fleischmans Deli.
RONA
What a floozy!

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 4

BEBE
Sitting there with Max Maxim, battin those fake eyelashes and laughing like she does when
shes trying to get her way.
(does the laugh well hear Mona do later)
And I aint never seen another someone eat a salami sandwich in a way that made me want to go
to confession.
RONA
The floozy! Max Maxim owns a rival club.
BEBE
I hear hes trying to bury us here at the Regency. And stealing away Bobbys big star
RONA
Bobbys big star is a nobody! Only reason shes got star billing is because Bobby Banners got
the hots for her.
BEBE
Hell kill her if he finds out shes tramping around with Max Maxim.
RONA
Ill kill her!
That star spot was supposed to be mine when Mad Maddy Monaco left. I was gonna be
the one with the name on the marquee. Rona Reynolds: Live at the Regency!
That spot was mine.
BENE
Calm down, Rona. Youre still in the show.
BEBE
But aint nobody ever got famous being a chorus girl at the Regency.
SULLY
Hey, Rona! Bebe! Get those gams moving, and get backstage. We got a show to do!
BEBE
Sure thing, Sully!
RONA
Right on it, Sully!
SULLY
Hey Frank, remind me never to get into show business, okay?
A man enters, EARL LESTER, a country boy from Ohio. He looks really out of place.
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EARL
Excuse me mister?
SULLY
Yeah, kid. Whatcha want?
EARL
Im looking for a Mona Malone. She around here?
SULLY
Miss Malone dont sign no autographs before the show, kid.
EARL
Oh, Im not looking to get her autograph.
SULLY
Well you aint gonna get much else from her, either. Especially when shes singing. Right Frank?
Sully laughs hard.
EARL
I wonder if you could find her and let her know I was here.
Im Earl Lester. Her fianc from back home in Ohio.
The laughter dies.
SULLY
Her fianc?
Well, Ill be a monkeys uncle. Miss Mona Malones got a fianc from Ohio
EARL
Proposed to her two years ago. Then she left to come to here. Always had big dreams, my Mona.
Said shed do anything to get em.
SULLY
She sure would.
EARL
Im here to bring her back home. So we can get married. Start a family.
From backstage, we hear a loud, gruff female voice. Its MONA MALONE.
MONA
Move it, Iona!
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 6

IONA
Sorry Miss Malone!
Mona appears with her bedraggled assistant, IONA EASTLEY, trying to fix her costume.
MONA
Hands off the merchandise, Iona. Im trying to yell at Sully.
IONA
Sorry Miss Malone. Your dress aint right yet.
MONA
My dress is fine.
IONA
I just want ya to be perfect, Miss Malone.
MONA
Then get your hands off the feathers, doll. People are gonna get the wrong idea.
Sully! How many times do I gots to tell ya that I dont want no red apples in my dressing
room.
IONA
Miss Mona only wants the green ones, Sully.
MONA
The red ones taste funny.
IONA
And they clash with her bathrobe.
SULLY
Look, Mona. I got a show to run. I dont got the time to be running around Chicago looking for
green apples when the s tore down the street
IONA
LOOK HERE, SULLY! Miss Mona says she wants green apples, then you get her green apples
or Im gonna turn your two eyes a whole kind of other color. Black. And. Blue.
MONA
Easy, Iona. I hired an assistant, not a bulldog.

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 7

EARL
Mona!
MONA
Earl! What the heck are you doing here?
EARL
You know what Ive come for, Mona. Ive come to take you home and
BOBBY BANNER bursts through the curtain, too.
BOBBY
Mona, honey, do you got to turn into a bearcat every time Sully gets the apples wrong. Hes just
a stage manager, sweetcheeks. Dont give him too hard a time, okay?
He gives her a Hollywood kiss (or whatever you have to do to otherwise).
BOBBY (cont.)
My honey bunny wants green apples? Sullys gonna get her green apples. Arent you, Sully?
SULLY
Sure thing, boss.
BOBBY
See? As long as youre the dame on the arm of Bobby Banner
Bobby goes to take Monas arm, but Iona slides in and Bobby takes her arm instead. He sees
this, brushes her off, irritated. Takes Monas arm.
BOBBY (cont.)
anything you want is yours.
Bobby sees Earl, whos heart is now broken.
BOBBY (cont.)
Whos this?
MONA
Uh
No one. Just a fan wanting an autograph, Bobby.
Sully, how many times have I told you, no autographs before the show.
Mona storms off through the curtain.
BOBBY
Hey, kid. My Mona dont do no autographs before the show. Come back after.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 8

Bobby follows her.

IONA
She ain't always so terrible. Sometimes, she sleeps.
Iona goes backstage.
SULLY
You okay, kid?
EARL
Where do you buy tickets to the show?
SULLY
Out front in the box office. Why?
EARL
This nobodys gonna get his autograph from Miss Mona Malone.
And a whole lot more.
Earl storms out.
SULLY
Well, Frank. Looks like its gonna be one of those nights. Get the cues right. The shows about to
start!

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 9

THE OPENING NUMBER

The lights shift and we are now in show mode. Earl makes his way to a table down front and
takes his seat. Sully takes a visible position offstage, and well see Rona in a minute.
The Emcee appears.
EMCEE
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, saints and sinners and everyone in between. Welcome to
the Regency Ballroom, Chicagos down and dirtiest establishment for song, spirits and
everything to tickle even the oddest fancy. My name is Jean Jenner, and Ill be your emcee.
Tonight, youll hear songs sung by the best songbirds in Chicagoland (and they wont be hard on
the eyes, either). Youll see dances danced by the gammiest gams around (look, gentlemen, but
dont touch!). And youll get some jokes and gags performed by the funniest jokers this side of
the Great White Way.
And of course, we have the star of the Regency Ballroom, a dame that makes all the boys go
mad, Miss Mona Malone!
So sit back and enjoy. A NIGHT AT THE REGENCY!
Music: I Got Rhythm
GIRL ONE
Days can be sunny
With never a sigh.
Dont need what money can buy.
BOY ONE
Birds in the tree sing
Their day full of song.
Why shouldnt we sing along?
GIRL TWO
Im chipper all the day
Happy with my lot.
BOY TWO
How did I get that way?
Look at what I got
GIRL ONE/GIRL TWO/BOY ONE/BOY TWO
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The fabulous Miss Mona Malone!

Mona appears, and she is awful. Completely awful.
MONA
I got rhythm
I got music
I got my man
Who could ask for anything more?
THE GIRLS AND BOYS W/ MONA
I got daisies
In green pastures
I got my man/girl
Who could ask for anything more?
Old Man sunshine
I wont mind him
You wont find him
Round my door
MONA
I got starlight
I got sweet dreams
I got my man
THE GIRLS AND BOYS W / MONA
Who could ask for anything more?
MONA
Who could ask for anything more?
As they hit their big finish, all the lights go out, and the cast screams. In the darkness, theres a
gunshot. More screams. When the lights come back up, the cast is in their finale pose, but Mona
is dead on the floor, center stage.
GIRL ONE
Oh my God!
GIRL TWO
Mona!
BOY ONE
Call a doctor!
BOY TWO
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 11

Call the police!

IONA
Mooooooooooooooooonaaaaaaaaaaa!
Iona bursts in from backstage and cradles Mona's body. She's hysterical.
IONA(cont.)
Not Miss Mona Malone! Ain't nobody ever sang a song like her. Ain't nobody ever danced a
dance like her. Ain't nobody ever played a part like her. It's 'cause she was awful, but still ain't
nobody ever did it like Miss Mona Malone, and now... she's... dead!
The rest of the cast has filed onto the stage. As they see Mona, the girls shriek. The boys hold the
girls and comfort them. The cast closes the curtain on Mona (or whatever you have to do to get
rid of the body.
EMCEE
Ladies and gentlemen, please dont panic. The police will be here in no time flat, and well
well
Well honestly, I dont know what well do. Aint never had no murder at the Regency
before. So everybody stay in your seats. Im sure the copsll want to talk to all of ya.
Bobby bursts through the curtain, in a rage.
BOBBY
All right, which one of you chumps filled my dame with daylight? Huh? Which one of you? Ill
cut you down myself!
EMCEE
Calm down, Bobby.
BOBBY
Dont tell me to calm down. That doll back there was the bees knees to me. Now shes worm
food. Now which one of youse did it?!
EMCEE
Bobby, please
A police whistle. A detective and three officers file in. The detective is SHOES SHANNIGAN.
SHOES
Everybody stay where you are. Boys, make sure the doors to this joint are sealed up tight. Aint
nobody going nowhere till we solve this murder.
There was a murder, right?
BOBBY
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Somebody cut down Miss Mona Malone.

SHOES
The singer/dancer/actress and star of the Regency Ballrooms evening floor show?
BOBBY
The one. Cut her down with a bullet in the middle of her opening number.
SHOES
Everyones a critic.
Alright, Officer Jim, get backstage and inspect the body. See if you can find any clues.
Officer John, rustle up the cast for interrogations.
Officer Jack, keep an eye on all these hustlers and conmen. Any one of em colud have
done it. (Ive seen the show here. It aint that good. You wouldnt be here if you werent a little
loose in the head.)
BOBBY
You want to know who I think offed my doll? Rona Reynolds.
SHOES
Whos she?
BOBBY
The chorus girl who was supposed to take over the lead spot in the show. Shes been with the
show for years and never had her time in the sun. I think she couldnt wait any longer and BAM!
My Mona is fertilizer.
SHOES
Enough about Monas singing, Mr. Bennett. Im trying to solve a murder here.
Rona storms on stage, having heard the accusation.
RONA
Dont you point the finger at me, Bobby! I didnt like her much, but I wouldnt have sent her to
fishes like that! Im a good girl, despite my occupation, and I wouldnt kill anybody. If you want
to point the finger, point it at Sully.
SULLY
Me?
RONA
I think Sully offed old Mona. She was always bossing him around and ordering him and treating
him like a pack mule. He put the bullet in her.
SHOES
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That how it goes, Mr. Sullivan? You called curtain a little early for Miss Malone?
SULLY
I didnt do it! I hated her, sure. I hated all her whining and crying and griping, but I didnt put a
bullet in her!
She aint got no understudy.
SHOES
Well if you didnt do it, who did?
SULLY
Easy. That kid.
EARL
Me?
SHOES
Whos that kid?
SULLY
That kid is Miss Mona Malones fianc from Ohio.
RONA
Mona had a fianc?
BOBBY
What sort of con are you trying to pull, boy?
SHOES
You admit youre from Ohio?
EARL
Im not trying to pull any con. She was my fianc. Back home in Ohio. Before she came out here
and got mixed up with all of you deadbeats and film flam artists.
They all bristle at this.
EARL (cont.)
I came here to take her back home and make an honest woman out of her. This life on the stage
just wasnt cut out for her.
SHOES
You can say that again. Ever seen her try to do Shakespeare?
EARL
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But I didnt kill her. Sure, I was angry that she was shacking up with him and bouncing around
on a lousy stage, but Id never kill her. She was my girl. Forever.
SHOES
Just a little short of forever. She lasted until (insert day of the week) night.
EMCEE
So who did it? Aint you the great Shoes Shannigan, the citys best and brightest detective?
SHOES
Thats me, doll. Shoes Shannigan. Where theres a case to solve, I hotfoot it there. Where theres
a dead body, Im the one walking the beat. Where theres a mystery needing unmysteriousin,
Im a step ahead of the bad guys. When
EMCEE
We get the metaphor.
SHOES
Ill solve this case in no time. But Ill need to gather some evidence, get some eye witness
reports and put the pieces together. So Mr. Bennett, how about you get your staff to sere these
fine folks some dinner (coffee and dessert) while I detect what I can detect, and well get to
solving the case of who killed Mona Malone.
BOBBY
Sounds good to me.
SHOES
Emcee, let the folks out there know whats going on.
EMCEE
Ladies and gentlemen, just sit back and well serve you some dinner (coffee and dessert) while
Shoes here works on solving the case. Well be back in a few, okay?
SHOES
Youre new to this emcee stuff, arent ya?
EMCEE
Shut up, Shoes.

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 15

THE MEAL
The lights come up, as they would during intermission.
Shoes gathers the suspects and brings them on stage. Three chairs get brought out, and theyre
all put in chairs. This is where theyll be during the meal. Shoes will be around the theatre sort
of doing his own thing, investigating. It would be fun if Shoes had a detective bag that contained
a ton of weird implements for detective work a la Inspector Gadget, and he supplied a ton of
sight gags for observant audience members. Maybe he goes to each table and investigates with a
different implement or something.
The meal gets broken into three audience interaction units: the servers, the cops, and the cast.
Each table should get two interactions during this time for certain: the servers and the cops. The
cast sprinkles around during this time to tables not getting interaction, but theyre less important
to the narrative.
The servers: The servers should approach each table first. As theyre offering their food to
patrons, the servers will give each table a different story implicating one of the suspects.
Make it different for each table. That way, the vote wont be lopsided and here can be
conversation with the cops.
For a table implicating Sully: I dont know if you know this, but Sully and Mona go way back,
even before the Regency Ballroom. See, Sully used to own a rival joint in Chicago a few years
ago. The Imperial Ballroom was the citys finest establishment, and when Mona first came to the
city, Sully gave her a job there. But Mona had her sights set on stardom, and rumor has it she set
up some phony health scare that got the city to shut down the Imperial for three weeks. And that
killed Sullys business and his reputation. He couldnt ever recover. So, the Imperial shut down
and Sully started stage managing here at the Regency. Hes got a bigger beef with Mona than just
her being too bossy before and after the show.
For a table implicating Rona: I dont know if you know this, but Rona isnt just angry about
losing the star role in the show. Nobody knows this, but Rona and Bobby had been sneaking
around for the past few months. Thats why she thought when Mad Maddy left, shed be the
obvious choice for the star role. She and Bobby were going out on the town, too. So when he
picked Mona to be his star, Rona had her heart broken, too. She thought Bobby was gonna leave
Mona behind for her. No such luck. I wouldnt be the least bit surprised if she saw this as her
only way of getting that dame out of the picture.
For a table implicating Earl: I dont know if you know this, but that kid from Ohio aint as
innocent as he seems. He didnt just get off the bus here today to pick up his girl and take her
home. Hes been here a few weeks, slinking around the city, following her and Bobby. He knew
she was fooling around on him, and he makes it out like it broke his heart, but heres his secret:
Hes got another girl back home. I think he came out here to off her, so he wouldnt have to
explain back home why he dumped his fianc and took up with another girl. If poor Mona got
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 16

caught up in the big city and fell victim to its dark side, then he comes out smelling like a rose,
doesnt he?
Encourage the servers to keep these details pretty strict. Theyll come up later in the show, or in
their confessions (if they get chosen)
The police: Once a tables been served, an officer can approach the table. This part is about
getting the audience talking, so make sure each officer has a notepad. The officer should go up
to the table, introduce themselves, and ask the following two questions;
1. So, what did you see when the murder took place? (You want them to briefly describe the
murder as it happened. This should be pretty similar from table to table.)
2. Do you have any further information about any of our suspects that we should know
about? (This should offer up the info that the servers passed along during the serving.
Officers shouldnt add anything to the information, just take it down and get as much detail from
everyone at the table as you can. This is really about getting them involved in the story and
playing a part in the investigation. Chat em up, be friendly. Engage.
Then, before you go, each officer should deliver the following speech.
OFFICER JOHN / JIM / JACK
You know, I always wanted to be in the theatre, ever since I was a kid. Before I became a cop, I
spent a year traveling with a vaudeville troupe, doing a triple act with two other fellas. Singing
and dancing. Boy, were we something! Standing ovation every night and pretty dames lining up
outside the stage door for an autograph and maybe a kiss. I miss it. But you got to feed your
family, right? Anyway, thanks for the help, folks. Enjoy your evening except the part about the
murder happening ten feet in front of you and all.
Try to make sure other tables dont her that this a repeat of information, because well see these
three turn up in the show a little later, and itd be a lot of fun if its a big surprise.
The cast: The cast of the show should wander from table to table, maybe in pairs, maybe alone,
to check on patrons to make sure theyre okay. Encourage them to share whatever information
they may have about any of the suspects with the police, tell them they should trust their servers,
just engage them on how theyre doing. For the cast, you can invent biographies and details of a
relationship with Mona, but make sure the director approves it first, and dont contradict
information in the other parts.
Your part in the meal is to keep the energy up, keep the audience engaged, and keep the world
alive for them. Dont be too pushy. Your role is the most casual of the meal sections just keep
them invested in whats going on.

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 17

THE SHOW
The lights dim when its time to get things back on track. The Emcee comes out.
EMCEE
Shoes! Shoes!
Shoes comes tumbling out of some place in the theatre with a weird gadget.
SHOES
Another murder? Where?
EMCEE
No, Shoes. Just the one. That youre supposed to solve. How are we doing?
SHOES
Getting there. Lots of good clues, and my officers tell me the guys and dolls who came out to see
your little show tonight were full of juicy odds and ends.
EMCEE
So you know who offed her?
SHOES
Not yet. Still putting the pieces together.
EMCEE
Well we cant just leave these folks here without something to see. You mind if we go on with
the show while you detectivize some more?
SHOES
How goods the show? Then Ill tell you much Id mind.
EMCEE
How about you folks, you want to see-- ?
SHOES
Ooh, let me!
EMCEE
No. Its my job!
SHOES
I always wanted to be in the theatre!
EMCEE
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 18

Then buy a ticket.

So folks, would you like to see the rest of the show?
The audience applauds, or is encouraged by servers and the Emcee to applaud.
SHOES
A dame gets turned into Swiss cheese before the end of the first song, and you want to see the
rest of it? You people got problems.
EMCEE
Okay then. Shoes, you and your boys keep at it, and well get your minds off murder for a while
with a few songs, sketches and dances. Its what you came out to see anyway, right?
The lights shift to show lighting, and the Emcee introduces the first act.
EMCEE
Ladies and gentleman, well get your evening started with a little sketch from our comedy duo,
Bud and Barney (Bette and Betty), two halves of the same brain sadly its the same half.
Bud and Barney (Bette and Betty), take it away.
Bette and Betty enter. Theyre an old school vaudeville du, like Abbott and Costello. Punctuate
the rimshots with goofy dance moves in between each joke, switching places, making silly faces,
ect.
BUD
Hey Barney.
BARNEY
Hey Bud.
BUD
What a day, what a day. I've been trying this new beauty regimen at home. My wifes been
trying a mudpack on her face.
BARNEY
Oh yeah, is it working?
BUD
It works great. Until the mud falls off.
(rimshot)
Hey Barney.
BARNEY
Hey Bud.
BUD
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 19

Im celebrating an anniversary. Ive been love with the same woman for 30 years.
BARNEY
Congratulations!
BUD
Dont tell my wife. If she found out, shed kill me.
(rimshot)
Hey Barney
BARNEY
Hey Bud.
BUD
You heard about that car accident down on the corner?
BARNEY
What car accident?
BUD
A big oil tycoon got hit by a mobsters car. I rushed over to him and said, Sir, are you
comfortable? And he said, Yeah, I make a good living.
(rimshot)
BARNEY
Hey Bud.
BUD
Yes Barney.
BARNEY
Did I tell you I just got back from a pleasure trip?
BUD
A pleasure trip? Oh yeah, what kind?
BARNEY
I just took my mother-in-law to the airport.
(rimshot)
Hey Bud.
BUD
Hey Barney.
BARNEY
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 20

My wife went to the beauty shop yesterday. I was so upset. She was there for two hours.
BUD
Oh yeah, why were you upset?
BARNEY
That was just for the estimate.
(rimshot)
Hey Bud.
BUD
Hey Barney.
BARNEY
I was in court the other day.
BUD
What for?
BARNEY
Judge said to me, Youve been brought here for drinking.
BUD
Oh yeah, what did you say?
BARNEY
Great. When do we get started?
(rimshot)
Im Barney.
BUD
Im Bud.
BUD / BARNEY
Goodnight folks!
And theyre off.
SHOES
Before we get to the next number, I got a few questions for Sully.
SULLY
What do you wanna know?
SHOES
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 21

Word is you and Miss Mona Malone got a more checkered history than just the one you got here
at the Regency.
SULLY
That the word on the street?
SHOES
Nope. Here on my notebook. Heard from that dame over there.
SULLY
Yeah, we got a history. She used to work for me down at the Imperial.
SHOES
The Imperial got shut down for health violations, didnt it?
SULLY
Yeah, Mona sweet-talked the chef and added a few special ingredients to the house soup. Got
13 people sick as a dog. Thats what shut us down.
SHOES
How do you feel about all this coming out right now, Sully?
SULLY
About as good as those 13 people must have felt.
EMCEE
We got to get on with the show, Shoes. Is Sully the killer?
SHOES
Not sure yet. You just keep your show moving.
Iona bursts in from backstage. Followed by Bobby.
IONA
I can do the next number!
BOBBY
I told you, you cant be in the show.
IONA
Why not?
BOBBY
You work for the star.
IONA
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 22

And the star is dead.

BOBBY
Well that dont make you talented.
IONA
I got a better shot of getting this audience on their feet than she does.
BOBBY
Honey, I saw your audition. You acting is stiffer than she is.
EMCEE
The dancers are up next anyway.
IONA
I can dance!
BOBBY
I said no!
And they are off stage again, Iona following Bobby.
SHOES
Coming up next
EMCEE
Gumshoe! What did I tell ya?
SHOES
To stick to police work.
EMCEE
So what are you doing, trying to steal my job?
SHOES
If I stole it, itd be the first crime Id be able to solve tonight.
EMCEE
So get off the stage and get back to work. Go find Monas killer.
SHOES
Fine, fine

EMCEE
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 23

Without futher ado, guys and gals, weve got something real special for you up next. Tantalizing
ya without uttering a word, put your hands together for the Regency Ballroom Dancers!
Heres where youd insert the swing dancers number.
They finish. Applause, applause.
Iona bursts in again, followed by Bobby.
IONA
No, Ive got the moves! Let me show you my high kick!
BOBBY
Kid, your high kick comes up to my shins. Youre not cut out to be a dancer.
IONA
So let me take the next spot!
BOBBY
You are one hungry little performer.
IONA
Starving.
SWING DANCER 1
Hey Bobby, we are looking to add someone to our act.
IONA
Oh yeah?
SWING DANCER 2
Yeah, weve been working up this equestrian number.
IONA
Equestrian? That sounds so fancy.
SWING DANCER 3
The person would have a featured role. Right at the center of the number.
IONA
Thats me. Thats perfect for me!
SWING DANCER 4
Were looking for someone to play the horses behind.
The swing dancers laugh, and exit.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 24

BOBBY
Kid, I dont think youre cut out for the stage.
IONA
You just wait and see.
And they go off.
SHOES
Before this show gets going again, I have a few words for Rona Reynolds.
RONA
You think you got some dirt on me, gumshoe?
SHOES
Doll, I think youre as dirty as a dirt ball in a uh dirt storm.
Everybody gives serious confused face.
SHOES (cont.)
Cant be clever every time. Anyway. Rona, I think have a few secrets youve keeping from
everyone.
RONA
I dont know what youre yapping on about.
SHOES
Im yapping about a little secret love affair between you and Bobby Banner.
RONA
Who told you?
SHOES
Half the audience, doll. Word gets around as fast as you do.
RONA
Sure. I had a thing with Bobby. A secret thing. But it wasnt just for the role in the show, like
everyone thinks. Bobby and I go way back. To my days as serious actress in New York.
SHOES
You were a serious actress in New York?

RONA
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 25

Oh yes. I was gonna be a big star of the stage. I was the star of a Romeo and Juliet that did
boffo business Off-Broadway.
SHOES
How far Off-Broadway?
RONA
(after a pause) Sacramento.
SHOES
Face it, doll. You couldnt make it in the city, and you couldnt make it out of the chorus, so
offing the lead and taking her guy was your only way to go?
EMCEE
Youre saying shes the murderer?
SHOES
Not yet. There are still a few acts and I see this gentleman aint finished his dessert yet. On with
the show!
EMCEE
Okay, then. Up next, hold on to your sides, ladies and gentlemen, because the funniest guy tis
side of room is up next Harry Hardy-Har Harrison!
Enter HARRY.
HARRY
Ah, my audience. Just look at ya, just look at ya!
No really, just look at ya. Your mother let you leave the house like that?
But seriously, ladies and germs, Ive been having a rough time financially. I mean, its
practically the Depression, who isnt? But seriously, tough times, tough times. I should have
listened to my grandfather. My grandfather always said, Dont watch your money; watch your
health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my
grandfather.
You know with family like that, its hard to grow up with good self-esteem. I had terrible selfesteem. My self-esteem was so bad, I couldnt go to football games. Every time the football
players went into the huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
I found a woman to marry me though. Dont know how, but it happened. And were a very
fastidious couple: Im fast and shes hideous.

But seriously, my wife is great at marriage. Much better than I am. She's been married
before, you see. She's been married so many times, she's got rice marks on her face.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 26

But weve found a way to make it work, my wife and I. Im gonna give you the secret to
the perfect marriage, ladies and germs. Secret to a perfect marriage. We go to a romantic
restaurant two times a week for a long, romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Thats all I got, ladies and germs! Good night!
SHOES
I know who the murderer is.
EMCEE
Finally! Who is it, Shoes?
SHOES
This show. Good taste is dead and buried.
EARL
Look, I dont see why Im up here. I didnt do it.
SHOES
That so, Ohio? Well hows about the little rumor going around that you gots a dame back in Ohio
already. One you plan to marry?
EARL
Howd you find out about Sherry?
SHOES
A detective knows.
EARL
You find things out with your nose?
EMCEE
So hes the murderer.
SHOES
Didnt say that.
EMCEE
You have no idea who it is, do you?
SHOES
I know this much: its someone in this room
EMCEE
Look, weve got one number left before the shows over. You better figure it out, gumshoe.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 27

SHOES
These things take time.
EMCEE
Yeah, but its hot back there, and Mona aint gonna keep forever.
The Emcee bursts into tears. Shoes comforts the Emcee.
SHOES
Bring on the next number, and Ill have it all solved by the time youre done.
EMCEE
And you wont interrupt me this time?
SHOES
Cross my heart and hope to solve a murder.
EMCEE
Fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, up next, we've got the mysterious mystic from the farthest ends of
the Earth, the Great Mysterio!
THE GREAT MYSTERIO appears, a turbaned magician with a vaguely eastern European
accent.
MYSTERIO
Good evening, good evening! I am the Great Mysterio, keeper of dark secrets and doorman to the
Otherworld of magic and mayhem. Tonight, I shall confound you with acts of great unusualness.
Your belief in the world will be tested.
Iona bursts in. Followed by Bobby.
IONA
And youre gonna need an assistant!
BOBBY
Youre running our show!
IONA
Mona usually does this part. The beautiful assistant.
BOBBY
Youre not stepping in.
MYSTERIO
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 28

Shes right. I do need a beautiful assistant.

BOBBY
Well, honey buns, youre only half the job. And Mysterio here could make you an assistant, but
there aint magic enough to make you the other half.
IONA
Well, I never!
MYSTERIO
Id like to do my magic act please.
IONA
You know what, Bobby Banner. You aint done a thing this evening other than knock me down
and make a fool out of me.
MYSTERIO
Youre ruining the hypnosis trick. Its how I open the show.
BOBBY
Oh yeah, well you have been a sore in my side since Mona got whacked, and I am sick of it.
MYSTERIO
VENDI VICI VASCO DE GAMA!
Iona and Bobby are suddenly caught in a trance while trance music comes out of nowhere.
MYSTERIO (cont.)
Ladies and gentleman, these two completely annoying individuals are now under my hypnotic
spell. Anything I suggest to them, theyll do. Observe. Lift your right leg!
(they do)
Good. Bark like a dog three times!
(they do)
Good. Applaud like a performing seal!
(they do)
Very good.
You see, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Mysterio has powers beyond your imaginations! And
because these two have spoiled my act, I shall leave a little gift with each of them.
Iona when I awaken you, you will have within you the ability to perform one perfect number,
with all the grace of a Broadway star, all the glamour of a Hollywood actress and all the courage
of anyone eating the pork chops out of the Regencys kitchen. MYSTERIO MAGICALI TADA!
Iona is shaken with a magical burst.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 29

MYSTERIO (cont.)
And for you, Mr. Banner. When I awaken you, youll learn to live in another persons shoes.
Upon my speaking of the word SWITCHERI! MYSTERIO MAGICALI TADA!
Bobby is shaken by a magical burst.
MYSTERIO (cont.)
Now, lets see if you two ever interrupt a magicians act ever again with such foolishness.
AWAKE!
They do, and are right back in the middle of arguing.
IONA
Oh yeah? Well, Im gonna be Mysterios assistant, whether you like it or not.
BOBBY
That so?
IONA
That so.
MYSTERIO
And that concludes the magic of The Great Mysterio!
IONA
What just happened?
EMCEE
Bobby, Bobby, what do we do now?
BOBBY
What do you mean?
EMCEE
The finale! Its Monas number. Her big finish. Puttin on the Ritz.
SHOES
You cant have a big finish with a dead singer singing center stage.
EMCEE
What on earth are we gonna do?
OFFICER JIM
I know it!
OFFICER JOHN
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 30

I know it, too!

OFFICER JACK
I cold sing it in my sleep!
EMCEE
Well, looks like we have a finale.
SHOES
And if they sing as well as they do police work, your audience is gonna revolt.
IONA
And Im gonna sing the lead.
BOBBY
Oh no you dont
Mysterio peeks in from the curtain.
MYSTERIO
SUGGESTO TAKEO FROM THE GIRLO!
A magical noise and Bobby changes.
BOBBY
Sure, sure thing Iona. Whatever you say.
The officers take center stage.
OFFICER JIM
Just like the old days.
OFFICER JACK
Its like I never left.
OFFICER JOHN
Maestro, if you please.
You can divide into lines, or let them all sing together, putting some things in harmony if they can
handle it. Iona is terrific.

THE OFFICERS AND IONA

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 31

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to

Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the ritz.
Different types who wear a daycoat, pants with stripes
And cut away coat, perfect fits,
Puttin' on the ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trouper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks
Or umbrellas in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
The cast joins in here, making it a nice group number. Even the suspects sing from the sidelines.
THE CAST
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the ritz.
Different types who wear a daycoat, pants with stripes
And cut away coat, perfect fits,
Puttin' on the ritz.
Dressed up like a million dollar trouper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper (super duper)
Come let's mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks
Or umbrellas in their mitts
Puttin' on the Ritz
The audience applauds. There are bow even Shoes gives himself a bow. It should feel like the
show is over.

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 32

THE ARREST
Bebe breaks through the curtain call.
BEBE
Hold it hold it!... HOLD IT!
Everything stops.
BEBE (cont.)
Aint nobody gets their final bow till someone solves the murder.
SHOES
Oh yeah! The murder. I forgot.
Look, this ones harder to crack than a steel walnut. All three of these shady characters
had good reason to off Mona Malone.
EMCEE
But which one did it?
SHOES
Not a clue.
EMCEE
Other than the hundred you collected for the last half hour?
SHOES
Nah, I just been doodling in my notebook here, see?
(he shows cartoons in his notebook)
BEBE
Some gumshoe you turned out to be.
Look, Mona Malone wasnt no prize of a singer. Or an actor. Or a dancer. And she wasnt
a very good girlfriend. And she treated people bad. And she left a fianc in Ohio without a word
of warning. And she shut down a reputable establishment simply out of sour grapes. But that
doesnt mean she deserved to die.
Well, okay, maybe she deserved it. But it doesnt make it right. And we gotta figure out
who did it.
One of these three suspects murdered Mona Malone. So since we all believe in the justice
system, lets be judge and jury right here. YOULL decide who killed Mona, and well pick a
killer the same way we pick our President.
BOBBY
Mostly uninformed based on what we hear from mostly unreliable sources?

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 33

BEBE
Exactly!
The cast arranges the suspects center stage. Bebe then leads a vote by applause for each of the
three candidates. The cast can also vote as well. Itd be fine if Shoes voted as well. The person
with the loudest applause will be deemed the murderer.
BEBE
The people have spoken and the murderer is (insert murderers name here)
Depending on the verdict, the suspect rises and pulls a gun out of their pocket.
THE MURDERER
Youre right! I killed Mona Malone!
A gasp from everyone.
SHOES
I didnt see that coming.
The next speech depends on the chosen murderer.
SULLY
Yea, I shot her. She ruined my business. My reputation. And forced me to get a job from my
sworn business enemy. And then shed come in here every day and order me around, like I was
some hired hand. She deserved the bullet she got and I dont feel sorry one bit!
OR
RONA
Yeah, I shot her. She took my one shot at being a star. And she took my Bobby away from me.
Two bit floozy with only half an ounce of talent in her, when I had oodles of it. Pouring out of
me. I coulda been famous as the star of the Regency. So if I cant be famous, Ill settle for
infamous.
OR
EARL
Yeah, I shot her. She abandoned me in Ohio for a life in the big city. You know how that makes a
guy look, when his girl leaves him flat? And Sherry came along and I knew wed be happy. But
not as long as it looked like old Mona Malone had made a big fool out of Earl Lester. I had to get
rid of her. It was the only way I could be happy.
BEBE
That settles it. Arrest the killer, officers!
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 34

As the Officers grab the chosen murderer, a voice from the back of the theatre rings out.
MONA
Not so fast.
Mona makes her way into the light.
BEBE
Its Mona!
Gasps, faints, screams. Pandemonium.
MONA
Thats right, its me. Mona Malone. And I aint as dead as you thought.
SHOES
Now I definitely did not see THAT coming.
THE MURDERER
But But I shot you.
MONA
You only thought you shot me. Its a theatre, nitwit. That gun you have is filled with nothing but
blanks.
THE MURDERER
But how how on earth did you manage that?
MONA
I have my ways. And dont think too hard about this plot twist, or the whole thing falls apart. Just
go with it. Its dinner theatre. We need a happy ending.
I knew tonight would be the night that someone might try to kill me. Sully had been
giving me the dirtiest of dirty looks Id ever laid my peepers on. And Rona all the chorus girls
heard you flapping your gums about how much you wanted me gone, did you think I wouldnt
hear about it? And Earl, I saw you sneaking in the shadows everywhere I went with my Bobby. I
knew you had to be up trouble.
So I talked Frank into turning out the lights at the end of my big opening number,
knowing that one of you would take it as your chance to off me. I faked being dead, and lets be
honest, once the show got started, everyone cared more about their turn in the spotlight than
watching the dead body backstage, so I was able to sneak away. Ive been in the back of the
house the whole time.
SHOES
But the one thing I dont understand

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 35

BEBE
One thing?
SHOES
Is why?
MONA
Simple. Sully and I used to be pals. But I worked him over, and he swore hed never forgive me.
I knew if I could clear the air and let him think I was gone, hed be able to hear me when I said
this: Im sorry, Sully. Your place was the bees knees. I shouldnt have done what I did.
SULLY
Aw, Mona. I forgive you.
MONA
And Rona. I came to this city wanting to be the biggest star anyone ever did see. But Im not
good enough. Not as good as you, anyway. You deserve that spot. So if you and everyone
thought I was dead, you could have your starring role and I could save face.
RONA
Aw Mona you really thought this was best way to do that?
MONA
Dont overthink it. Remember.
And Earl.,, I know all about Sherry. And I could never be as plain and boring and
unambitious as she is. Shes perfect for you.
EARL
Aw Thanks Mona. I think.
MONA
So I thought if I was out of the way, you could live your life and be happy.
SHOES
This is the most ridiculous wrap-up I ever heard of.
MONA
This from a detective named Shoes.
SHOES
Fair enough.
BOBBY
Oh Mona, Im so glad youre alive!

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 36

MONA
Me, too. Its a heck of a lot better than being dead.
BOBBY
Lets go back to our place, honey bun. And talk about firing that assistant of yours, Iona. She was
a pain in my keister all night
Mysterio appears from the sidelines.
MYSTERIO
Youll learn to live in another persons shoes. Upon my speaking of the word SWITCHERI!
Thunder, and both Mona and Bobby are shaken by a magical jolt. Then, Bobby in Monas voice
and physical affectations, and Mona in Bobbys.
BOBBY
What am I doing over there?
MONA
And what am I doing over there?
BOBBY
Oh my God, my voice is so low.
MONA
And I sound like a girl!
BOBBY
Youre me!
MONA
And youre me!
BOBBY
I really do have the best legs in all of Chicago.
MONA
Stop squawking, honey buns and lets get the heck out of here!
They go.
MYSTERIO
Be a little kinder in the future, lovebirds. And never mess with a magicians set!
SHOES
Well, shows over and mysterys solved.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 37

EMCEE
I couldnt be happier.
SHOES
That I solved the case?
EMCEE
That I finally get rid of Shoes Shannigan once and for all.
SHOES
Well, my dear. If ever theres another murder under the roof of the Regency, you know who to
call.
EMCEE
Anyone but you.
SHOES
Have it your way, doll.
Shoes starts to go.
BEBE
Oh give it up, doll. You know youre in love with the guy.
EMCEE
But I must say I like shoes.
SHOES
Oh yeah?
EMCEE
Im always in the market for another pair.
SHOES
I know just the kind youd be happy with.
EMCEE
That so?
BEBE
Just kiss and get it over with. Jeez.
Mona and Shoes kiss.
A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 38

EMCEE
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think that about covers it.
BEBE
Except for things like logic and common sense and reason and
EMCEE
But we dont worry about things like that. Its the theatre! And all that matters is you having a
good time. And thats what the Regency is all about a good time. So until next time.
The cast sings Putting on the Ritz again and does the bows and all that jazz.

A MURDER AT THE REGENCY / 39