From: Ulanov, Barry, ed. (1961) Makers of the Modern Theater. New York: McGraw-H ll.

THE BALD SOPRANO an! "lay, !ran#la!ed $y %onald M. &llen characters MR. SMITH MRS. SMITH MR. MARTIN MRS. MARTIN MARY the maid THE FIRE CHIEF A middle-class English interior, with English armchairs. An English evening. Mr. Smith, an Englishman, seated in his English armchair and wearing English slippers, is smoking his English pipe and reading an English newspaper, near an English fire. He is wearing English spectacles and a small gray English mustache. eside him, in another English armchair, Mrs. Smith, an Englishwoman, is darning some English socks. A long moment of English silence. The English clock strikes seventeen English strokes. MRS. SMITH '(ere, !)# n ne o)clock. *e)ve dr+nk !(e #o+", and ea!en !(e , #( and c( "#, and !(e -n.l #( #alad. '(e c( ldren (ave dr+nk -n.l #( wa!er. *e)ve ea!en well !( # even n.. '(a!)# $eca+#e we l ve n !(e #+$+r$# o, /ondon and $eca+#e o+r name # 0m !(. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 M30. 0M4'H 5o!a!oe# are very .ood ,r ed n ,a!6 !(e #alad o l wa# no! ranc d. '(e o l ,rom !(e .rocer a! !(e corner # $e!!er 7+al !y !(an !(e o l ,rom !(e .rocer acro## !(e #!ree!. 4! # even $e!!er !(an !(e o l ,rom !(e .rocer a! !(e $o!!om o, !(e #!ree!. However, 4 "re,er no! !o !ell !(em !(a! !(e r o l # $ad. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH However, !(e o l ,rom !(e .rocer a! !(e corner # #! ll !(e $e#!. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH Mary d d !(e "o!a!oe# very well, !( # even n.. '(e la#! ! me #(e d d no! do !(em well. 4 do no! l ke !(em w(en !(ey are well done. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH '(e , #( wa# ,re#(. 4! made my mo+!( wa!er. 4 (ad !wo (el" n.#. No, !(ree (el" n.#. '(a! made me .o !o !(e w.c. Yo+ al#o (ad !(ree (el" n.#. However, !(e !( rd ! me yo+ !ook le## !(an !(e , r#! !wo ! me#, w( le a# ,or me, 4 !ook a .rea! deal more. 4 ea! $e!!er !(an yo+ !( # even n.. *(y # !(a!8 U#+ally, ! # yo+ w(o ea!# more. 4! # no! a""e! !e yo+ lack.

-69:1Mr. Smith clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH B+! #! ll, !(e #o+" wa# "er(a"# a l !!le !oo #al!. 4! wa# #al! er !(an yo+. Ha, (a, (a. 4! al#o (ad !oo many leek# and no! eno+.( on on#. 4 re.re! 4 d dn)! adv #e Mary !o add #ome an #eed #!ar#. '(e ne;! ! me 4)ll know $e!!er. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH <+r l !!le $oy wan!ed !o dr nk #ome $eer6 (e)# .o n. !o love .e!! n. ! ddly. He)# l ke yo+. &! !a$le d d yo+ no! ce (ow (e #!ared a! !(e $o!!le8 B+! 4 "o+red #ome wa!er ,rom !(e =+. n!o ( # .la##. He wa# !( r#!y and (e drank !. Helen # l ke me: #(e)# a .ood mana.er, !(r ,!y, "lay# !(e " ano. 0(e never a#k# !o dr nk -n.l #( $eer. 0(e)# l ke o+r l !!le da+.(!er w(o dr nk# only m lk and ea!# only "orr d.e. 4!)# o$v o+# !(a! #(e)# only !wo. 0(e)# named 5e..y. '(e 7+ nce and $ean " e wa# marvelo+#. 4! wo+ld (ave $een n ce, "er(a"#, !o (ave (ad a #mall .la## o, &+#!ral an B+r.+ndy w !( !(e #wee!, $+! 4 d d no! $r n. !(e $o!!le !o !(e !a$le $eca+#e 4 d d no! w #( !o #e! !(e c( ldren a $ad e;am"le o, .l+!!ony. '(ey m+#! learn !o $e #o$er and !em"era!e. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH Mr#. 5arker know# a 3+man an .rocer $y !(e name o, 5o"e#co 3o#en,eld, w(o (a# =+#! come ,rom >on#!an! no"le. He # a .rea! #"ec al #! n yo.+r!. He (a# a d "loma ,rom !(e #c(ool o, yo.+r!-mak n. n &dr ano"le. 'omorrow 4 #(all $+y a lar.e "o! o, na! ve 3+man an yo.+r! ,rom ( m. <ne doe#n)! o,!en , nd #+c( !( n.# (ere n !(e #+$+r$# o, /ondon. 1Mr. Smith continues to read, clicks his tongue.2 MRS. SMITH Yo.+r! # e;cellen! ,or !(e #!omac(, !(e k dney#, !(e a""end c ! #, and a"o!(eo# #. 4! wa# %oc!or Macken? e-@ n. w(o !old me !(a!, (e)# !(e one w(o !ake# care o, !(e c( ldren o, o+r ne .($or#, !(e Ao(n#. He)# a .ood doc!or. <ne can !r+#! ( m. He never "re#cr $e# any med c ne !(a! (e)# no! !r ed o+! on ( m#el, , r#!. Be,ore o"era! n. on 5arker, (e (ad ( # own l ver o"era!ed on , r#!, al!(o+.( (e wa# no! !(e lea#! $ ! ll. MR. SMITH B+! (ow doe# ! (a""en !(a! !(e doc!or "+lled !(ro+.( w( le 5arker d ed8 MRS. SMITH Beca+#e !(e o"era! on wa# #+cce##,+l n !(e doc!or)# ca#e and ! wa# no! n 5arker)#. MR. SMITH '(en Macken? e # no! a .ood doc!or. '(e o"era! on #(o+ld (ave #+cceeded w !( $o!( o, !(em or el#e $o!( #(o+ld (ave d ed. MRS. SMITH *(y8 MR. SMITH & con#c en! o+# doc!or m+#! d e w !( ( # "a! en! , !(ey can)! .e! well !o.e!(er. '(e ca"!a n o, a #( " .oe# down w !( ( # #( " n!o !(e $r ny dee", (e doe# no! #+rv ve alone. MRS. SMITH <ne canno! com"are a "a! en! w !( a #( ". MR. SMITH *(y no!8 & #( " (a# !# d #ea#e# !oo6 moreover, yo+r doc!or # a# (ale a# a #( "6 !(a!)# w(y (e #(o+ld (ave "er #(ed a! !(e #ame ! me a# ( # "a! en!, l ke !(e ca"!a n and ( # #( ".

MRS. SMITH &(B 4 (adn)! !(o+.(! o, !(a! . . . 5er(a"# ! # !r+e . . . &nd !(en, w(a! concl+# on do yo+ draw ,rom !( #8 MR. SMITH &ll doc!or# are 7+ack#. &nd all "a! en!# !oo. <nly !(e 3oyal Navy # (one#! n -n.land. MRS. SMITH B+! no! #a lor#. MR. SMITH Na!+rally. 1A pause. Still reading his paper2 Here)# a !( n. 4 don)! +nder#!and. 4n !(e new#"a"er !(ey alway# . ve !(e a.e o, decea#ed "er#on# $+! never !(e a.e o, !(e newly $orn. '(a! doe#n)! make #en#e. MRS. SMITH 4 never !(o+.(! o, !(a!B 1Another moment of silence. The clock strikes seven times. Silence. The clock strikes three times. Silence. The clock doesn!t strike.2 MR. SMITH 1still reading his paper2 '#k, ! #ay# (ere !(a! Bo$$y *a!#on d ed. MRS. SMITH My God, !(e "oor manB *(en d d (e d e8 MR. SMITH *(y do yo+ "re!end !o $e a#!on #(ed8 Yo+ know very well !(a! (e)# $een dead !(e#e "a#! !wo year#. 0+rely yo+ remem$er !(a! we a!!ended ( # ,+neral a year and a (al, a.o. MRS. SMITH <( ye#, o, co+r#e 4 do remem$er. 4 remem$ered ! r .(! away, $+! 4 don)! +nder#!and w(y yo+ yo+r#el, were #o #+r"r #ed !o #ee ! n !(e "a"er. MR. SMITH 4! wa#n)! n !(e "a"er. 4!)# $een !(ree year# # nce ( # dea!( wa# anno+nced. 4 remem-696$ered ! !(ro+.( an a##oc a! on o, dea#. MRS. SMITH *(a! a " !yB He wa# #o well "re#erved. MR. SMITH He wa# !(e (and#ome#! cor"#e n Grea! Br !a n. He d dn)! look ( # a.e. 5oor Bo$$y, (e)d $een dead ,or ,o+r year# and (e wa# #! ll warm. & ver !a$le l v n. cor"#e. &nd (ow c(eer,+l (e wa#B MRS. SMITH 5oor Bo$$y. MR. SMITH *( c( "oor Bo$$y do yo+ mean8 MRS. SMITH 4! # ( # w ,e !(a! 4 mean. 0(e # called Bo$$y !oo, Bo$$y *a!#on. 0 nce !(ey $o!( (ad !(e #ame name, yo+ co+ld never !ell one ,rom !(e o!(er w(en yo+ #aw !(em !o.e!(er. 4! wa# only a,!er ( # dea!( !(a! yo+ co+ld really !ell w( c( wa# w( c(. &nd !(ere are #! ll "eo"le !oday w(o con,+#e (er w !( !(e decea#ed and o,,er !(e r condolence# !o ( m. %o yo+ know (er8 MR. SMITH 4 only me! (er once, $y c(ance, a! Bo$$y)# $+r al.

M30. 0M4'H 4)ve never #een (er. 4# #(e "re!!y8 MR. SMITH 0(e (a# re.+lar ,ea!+re# and ye! one canno! #ay !(a! #(e # "re!!y. 0(e # !oo $ . and #!o+!. Her ,ea!+re# are no! re.+lar $+! #! ll one can #ay !(a! #(e # very "re!!y. 0(e # a l !!le !oo #mall and !oo !( n. 0(e)# a vo ce !eac(er. 1The clock strikes five times. A long silence.2 MRS. SMITH &nd w(en do !(ey "lan !o $e marr ed, !(o#e !wo8 MR. SMITH Ne;! #"r n., a! !(e la!e#!. MRS. SMITH *e #(all (ave !o .o !o !(e r wedd n., 4 #+""o#e. MR. SMITH *e #(all (ave !o . ve !(em a wedd n. "re#en!. 4 wonder w(a!8 MRS. SMITH *(y don)! we . ve !(em one o, !(e #even # lver #alver# !(a! were . ven +# ,or o+r wedd n. and w( c( (ave never $een o, any +#e !o +#8 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH How #ad ,or (er !o $e le,! a w dow #o yo+n.. MR. SMITH For!+na!ely, !(ey (ad no c( ldren. MRS. SMITH '(a! wa# all !(ey neededB >( ldrenB 5oor woman, (ow co+ld #(e (ave mana.edB MR. SMITH 0(e)# #! ll yo+n.. 0(e m .(! very well remarry. 0(e look# #o well n mo+rn n.. MRS. SMITH B+! w(o wo+ld !ake care o, !(e c( ldren8 Yo+ know very well !(a! !(ey (ave a $oy and a . rl. *(a! are !(e r name#8 MR. SMITH Bo$$y and Bo$$y l ke !(e r "aren!#. Bo$$y *a!#on)# +ncle, old Bo$$y *a!#on, # a r c( man and very ,ond o, !(e $oy. He m .(! very well "ay ,or Bo$$y)# ed+ca! on. MRS. SMITH '(a! wo+ld $e "ro"er. &nd Bo$$y *a!#on)# a+n!, old Bo$$y *a!#on, m .(! very well, n (er !+rn, "ay ,or !(e ed+ca! on o, Bo$$y *a!#on, Bo$$y *a!#on)# da+.(!er. '(a! way Bo$$y, Bo$$y *a!#on)# mo!(er, co+ld remarry. Ha# #(e anyone n m nd8 MR. SMITH Ye#, a co+# n o, Bo$$y *a!#on)#. MRS. SMITH *(o8 Bo$$y *a!#on8 MR. SMITH *( c( Bo$$y *a!#on do yo+ mean8 MRS. SMITH *(y, Bo$$y *a!#on, !(e #on o, old Bo$$y *a!#on, !(e la!e Bo$$y *a!#on)# o!(er +ncle. MR. SMITH No, !)# no! !(a! one, !)# #omeone el#e. 4!)# Bo$$y *a!#on, !(e #on o, old Bo$$y *a!#on, !(e la!e Bo$$y *a!#on)# a+n!. MRS. SMITH &re yo+ re,err n. !o Bo$$y *a!#on !(e commerc al !raveler8

MR. SMITH &ll !(e Bo$$y *a!#on# are commerc al !raveler#. MRS. SMITH *(a! a d ,, c+l! !radeB However, !(ey do well a! !. MR. SMITH Ye#, w(en !(ere)# no com"e! ! on. MRS. SMITH &nd w(en # !(ere no com"e! ! on8 MR. SMITH <n '+e#day#, '(+r#day#, and '+e#day#. MRS. SMITH &(B '(ree day# a week8 &nd w(a! doe# Bo$$y *a!#on do on !(o#e day#8 MR. SMITH He re#!#, (e #lee"#. MRS. SMITH B+! w(y doe#n)! (e work !(o#e !(ree day# , !(ere)# no com"e! ! on8 MR. SMITH 4 don)! know every!( n.. 4 can)! an#wer all yo+r d o! c 7+e#! on#B MRS. SMITH 1offended2 <(B &re yo+ !ry n. !o (+m l a!e me8 MR. SMITH 1all smiles2 Yo+ know very well !(a! 4)m no!. MRS. SMITH Men are all al keB Yo+ # ! !(ere all day lon., a c .are!!e n yo+r mo+!(, or yo+ "owder yo+r no#e and ro+.e yo+r l "#, , ,!y ! me# a day, or el#e yo+ dr nk l ke a , #(. MR. SMITH B+! w(a! wo+ld yo+ #ay , yo+ #aw men ac! n. l ke women do, #mok n. all day -69Clon., "owder n., ro+. n. !(e r l "#, dr nk n. w( #ky8 MRS. SMITH 4!)# no!( n. !o meB B+! , yo+)re only #ay n. !(a! !o annoy me . . . 4 don)! care ,or !(a! k nd o, =ok n., yo+ know !(a! very wellB 1She hurls the socks across the stage and shows her teeth." She gets up.2 MR. SMITH 1also getting up and going toward his wife, tenderly2 <(, my l !!le d+cky daddle#, w(a! a l !!le #" !, re yo+ areB Yo+ know !(a! 4 only #a d ! a# a =okeB 1He takes her #y the waist and kisses her.2 *(a! a r d c+lo+# "a r o, old lover# we areB >ome, le!)# "+! o+! !(e l .(!# and .o $ye-$ye#. MARY 1entering2 4)m !(e ma d. 4 (ave #"en! a very "lea#an! a,!ernoon. 4)ve $een !o !(e c nema w !( a man and 4)ve #een a , lm w !( #ome women. &,!er !(e c nema, we wen! !o dr nk #ome $randy and m lk and !(en read !(e new#"a"er. MRS. SMITH 4 (o"e !(a! yo+)ve #"en! a "lea#an! a,!ernoon, !(a! yo+ wen! !o !(e c nema w !( a man and !(a! yo+ drank #ome $randy and m lk. MR. SMITH &nd !(e new#"a"er.

MARY Mr. and Mr#. Mar! n, yo+r .+e#!#, are a! !(e door. '(ey were wa ! n. ,or me. '(ey d dn)! dare come n $y !(em#elve#. '(ey were #+""o#ed !o (ave d nner w !( yo+ !( # even n.. MRS. SMITH <(, ye#. *e were e;"ec! n. !(em. &nd we were (+n.ry. 0 nce !(ey d dn)! "+! n an a""earance, we were .o n. !o #!ar! d nner w !(o+! !(em. *e)ve (ad no!( n. !o ea! all day. Yo+ #(o+ld no! (ave .one o+!B MARY B+! ! wa# yo+ w(o .ave me "erm ## on. MR. SMITH *e d dn)! do ! on "+r"o#e. MARY 1#ursts into laughter, then she #ursts into tears$ then she smiles2 4 $o+.(! me a c(am$er "o!. MRS. SMITH My dear Mary, "lea#e o"en !(e door and a#k Mr. and Mr#. Mar! n !o #!e" n. *e w ll c(an.e 7+ ckly. 1Mr. and Mrs. Smith e%it right. Mary opens the door at the left #y which Mr. and Mrs. Martin enter.2 MARY *(y (ave yo+ come #o la!eB Yo+ are no! D4n N cola# Ba!a lle)# "rod+c! on, Mr#. 0m !( d d no! #(ow (er !ee!(, nor d d #(e !(row !(e #ock# very ,ar. very "ol !e. 5eo"le #(o+ld $e "+nc!+al. %o yo+ +nder#!and8 B+! # ! down !(ere, anyway, and wa ! now !(a! yo+)re (ere. 1She e%its.2 1Mr. and Mrs. Martin sit facing each other, without speaking. They smile timidly at each other. The dialogue which follows must #e spoken in voices that are drawling, monotonous, a little singsong, without nuances.D2 MR. MARTIN -;c+#e me, madam, $+! ! #eem# !o me, +nle## 4)m m #!aken, !(a! 4)ve me! yo+ #omew(ere $e,ore. MRS. MARTIN 4, !oo, # r. 4! #eem# !o me !(a! 4)ve me! yo+ #omew(ere $e,ore. MR. MARTIN *a# !, $y any c(ance, a! Manc(e#!er !(a! 4 ca+.(! a .l m"#e o, yo+, madam8 MRS. MARTIN '(a! # very "o## $le. 4 am or . nally ,rom !(e c !y o, Manc(e#!er. B+! 4 do no! (ave a .ood memory, # r. 4 canno! #ay w(e!(er ! wa# !(ere !(a! 4 ca+.(! a .l m"#e o, yo+ or no!B MR. MARTIN Good God, !(a!)# c+r o+#B 4, !oo, am or . nally ,rom !(e c !y o, Manc(e#!er, madamB MRS. MARTIN '(a! # c+r o+#B MR. MARTIN 4#n)! !(a! c+r o+#B <nly, 4, madam, 4 le,! !(e c !y o, Manc(e#!er a$o+! , ve week# a.o. MRS. MARTIN '(a! # c+r o+#B *(a! a $ ?arre co nc denceB 4, !oo, # r, 4 le,! !(e c !y o, Manc(e#!er a$o+! , ve week# a.o. MR. MARTIN Madam, 4 !ook !(e E:F9 morn n. !ra n w( c( arr ve# n /ondon a! G:G:.

MRS. MARTIN '(a! # c+r o+#B How very $ ?arreB &nd w(a! a co nc denceB 4 !ook !(e #ame !ra n, # r, 4 !oo. MR. MARTIN Good /ord, (ow c+r o+#B 5er(a"# !(en, madam, ! wa# on !(e !ra n !(a! 4 #aw yo+8 MRS. MARTIN 4! # ndeed "o## $le6 !(a! #, no! +nl kely. 4! # "la+# $le and, a,!er all, w(y no!B --B+! 4 don)! recall !, # rB MR. MARTIN 4 !raveled #econd cla##, madam. '(ere # no #econd cla## n -n.land, $+! 4 alway# !ravel #econd cla##. MRS. MARTIN '(a! # c+r o+#B How very $ ?arreB &nd w(a! a co nc denceB 4, !oo, # r, 4 !raveled #econd cla##.
D

4n N cola# Ba!a lle)# "rod+c! on, !( # d alo.+e wa# #"oken n a !one and "layed n a #!yle # ncerely !ra. c. -69EMR. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #B 5er(a"# we d d mee! n #econd cla##, my dear ladyB MRS. MARTIN '(a! # cer!a nly "o## $le, and ! # no! a! all +nl kely. B+! 4 do no! remem$er very well, my dear # rB MR. MARTIN My #ea! wa# n coac( No. E, com"ar!men! 6, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #B My #ea! wa# al#o n coac( No. E, com"ar!men! 6, my dear # rB MR. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! # and w(a! a $ ?arre co nc denceB 5er(a"# we me! n com"ar!men! 6, my dear lady8 MRS. MARTIN 4! # ndeed "o## $le, a,!er allB B+! 4 do no! recall !, my dear # rB MR. MARTIN 'o !ell !(e !r+!(, my dear lady, 4 do no! remem$er ! e !(er, $+! ! # "o## $le !(a! we ca+.(! a .l m"#e o, eac( o!(er !(ere, and a# 4 !( nk o, !, ! #eem# !o me even very l kely. MRS. MARTIN <(B !r+ly, o, co+r#e, !r+ly, # rB MR. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! #B 4 (ad #ea! No. F, ne;! !o !(e w ndow, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN <(, .ood /ord, (ow c+r o+# and $ ?arreB 4 (ad #ea! No. 6, ne;! !o !(e w ndow, acro## ,rom yo+, my dear # r. MR. MARTIN Good God, (ow c+r o+# !(a! # and w(a! a co nc denceB *e were !(en #ea!ed ,ac n. eac( o!(er, my dear ladyB 4! # !(ere !(a! we m+#! (ave #een eac( o!(erB MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! #B 4! # "o## $le, $+! 4 do no! recall !, # rB

MR. MARTIN 'o !ell !(e !r+!(, my dear lady, 4 do no! remem$er ! e !(er. However, ! # very "o## $le !(a! we #aw eac( o!(er on !(a! occa# on. MRS. MARTIN 4! # !r+e, $+! 4 am no! a! all #+re o, !, # r. MR. MARTIN %ear madam, were yo+ no! !(e lady w(o a#ked me !o "lace (er #+ !ca#e n !(e l+..a.e rack and w(o !(anked me and .ave me "erm ## on !o #moke8 MRS. MARTIN B+! o, co+r#e, !(a! m+#! (ave $een 4, # r. How c+r o+# ! #, (ow c+r o+# ! #, and w(a! a co nc denceB MR. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! #, (ow $ ?arre, w(a! a co nc denceB &nd well, well, ! wa# "er(a"# a! !(a! momen! !(a! we came !o know eac( o!(er, madam8 MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! # and w(a! a co nc denceB 4! # ndeed "o## $le, my dear # rB However, 4 do no! $el eve !(a! 4 recall !. MR. MARTIN Nor do 4, madam. 1A moment of silence. The clock strikes twice, then once.2 MR. MARTIN 0 nce com n. !o /ondon, 4 (ave re# ded n Brom, eld 0!ree!, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #, (ow $ ?arreB 4, !oo, # nce com n. !o /ondon, 4 (ave re# ded n Brom, eld 0!ree!, my dear # r. MR. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #, well !(en, well !(en, "er(a"# we (ave #een eac( o!(er n Brom, eld 0!ree!, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #, (ow $ ?arreB 4! # ndeed "o## $le, a,!er allB B+! 4 do no! recall !, my dear # r. MR. MARTIN 4 re# de a! No. 19, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# !(a! #. 4 al#o re# de a! No. 19, my dear # r. MR. MARTIN *ell !(en, well !(en, well !(en, well !(en, "er(a"# we (ave #een eac( o!(er n !(a! (o+#e, dear lady8 MRS. MARTIN 4! # ndeed "o## $le $+! 4 do no! recall !, dear # r. MR. MARTIN My ,la! # on !(e , ,!( ,loor, No. E, my dear lady. MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! #, .ood /ord, (ow $ ?arreB &nd w(a! a co nc denceB 4 !oo re# de on !(e , ,!( ,loor, n ,la! No. E, dear # rB MR. MARTIN 1musing2 How c+r o+# ! #, (ow c+r o+# ! #, (ow c+r o+# ! #, and w(a! a co nc denceB Yo+ know, n my $edroom !(ere # a $ed, and ! # covered w !( a .reen e derdown. '( # room, w !( !(e $ed and !(e .reen e derdown, # a! !(e end o, !(e corr dor $e!ween !(e w.c. and !(e $ookca#e, dear ladyB

MRS. MARTIN *(a! a co nc dence, .ood /ord, w(a! a co nc denceB My $edroom, !oo, (a# a $ed w !( a .reen e derdown and # a! !(e end o, !(e corr dor, $e!ween !(e w.c., dear # r, and !(e $ookca#eB MR. MARTIN How $ ?arre, c+r o+#, #!ran.eB '(en, madam, we l ve n !(e #ame room and we #lee" n !(e #ame $ed, dear lady. 4! # "er(a"# !(ere !(a! we (ave me!B MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! # and w(a! a co nc denceB 4! # ndeed "o## $le !(a! we (ave me! !(ere, and "er(a"# even la#! n .(!. B+! 4 do no! recall !, dear # rB -699MR. MARTIN 4 (ave a l !!le . rl, my l !!le da+.(!er, #(e l ve# w !( me, dear lady. 0(e # !wo year# old, #(e)# $londe, #(e (a# a w( !e eye and a red eye, #(e # very "re!!y, (er name # &l ce, dear lady. MRS. MARTIN *(a! a $ ?arre co nc denceB 4, !oo, (ave a l !!le . rl. 0(e # !wo year# old, (a# a w( !e eye and a red eye, #(e # very "re!!y, and (er name # &l ce, !oo, dear # rB MR. MARTIN 1in the same drawling, monotonous voice2 How c+r o+# ! # and w(a! a co nc denceB &nd $ ?arreB 5er(a"# !(ey are !(e #ame, dear ladyB MRS. MARTIN How c+r o+# ! #B 4! # ndeed "o## $le, dear # r. 1A rather long moment of silence. The clock strikes twenty-nine times. Mr. Martin after having reflected at length, gets up slowly and, unhurriedly, moves toward Mrs. Martin, who, surprised #y his solemn air, has also gotten up very &uietly.2 MR. MARTIN 1in the same flat, monotonous voice, slightly sing-song2 '(en, dear lady, 4 $el eve !(a! !(ere can $e no do+$! a$o+! !, we (ave #een eac( o!(er $e,ore and yo+ are my own w ,e . . . -l ?a$e!(, 4 (ave ,o+nd yo+ a.a nB 1Mrs. Martin approaches Mr. Martin without haste. They em#race without e%pression. The clock strikes once, very loud. This striking of the clock must #e so loud that it makes the audience 'ump. The Martins do not hear it.2 MRS. MARTIN %onald, !)# yo+, darl n.B 1They sit together in the same armchair, their arms around each other, and fall asleep. The clock strikes several more times. Mary, on tiptoe, a finger to her lips, enters &uietly and addresses the audience.2 MARY -l ?a$e!( and %onald are now !oo (a""y !o $e a$le !o (ear me. 4 can !(ere,ore le! yo+ n on a #ecre!. -l ?a$e!( # no! -l ?a$e!(, %onald # no! %onald. &nd (ere # !(e "roo,: !(e c( ld !(a! %onald #"oke o, # no! -l ?a$e!()# da+.(!er, !(ey are no! !(e #ame "er#on. %onald)# da+.(!er (a# one w( !e eye and one red eye l ke -l ?a$e!()# da+.(!er. *(erea# %onald)# c( ld (a# a w( !e r .(! eye and a red le,! eye, -l ?a$e!()# c( ld (a# a red r .(! eye and a w( !e le,! eyeB '(+# all o, %onald)# #y#!em o, ded+c! on colla"#e# w(en ! come# +" a.a n#! !( # la#! o$#!acle w( c( de#!roy# ( # w(ole !(eory. 4n #" !e o, !(e e;!raord nary co nc dence# w( c( #eem !o $e de, n ! ve "roo,#, %onald and -l ?a$e!(, no! $e n. !(e "aren!# o, !(e #ame c( ld, are no! %onald and -l ?a$e!(. 4! # n va n !(a! (e !( nk# (e # %onald, ! # n va n !(a! #(e !( nk# #(e # -l ?a$e!(. He $el eve# n va n !(a! #(e # -l ?a$e!(. 0(e $el eve# n va n !(a! (e # %onald--!(ey are #adly dece ved. B+! w(o # !(e !r+e %onald8 *(o # !(e !r+e -l ?a$e!(8 *(o (a# any n!ere#! n "rolon. n. !( # con,+# on8 4 don)! know. /e!)# no! !ry !o know. /e!)#

leave !( n.# a# !(ey are. 10(e !ake# #everal #!e"# !oward !(e door, !(en re!+rn#. 'o !(e a+d ence2 My real name # 0(erlock Holme#. 1She e%its.2 1The clock strikes as much as it likes. After several seconds, Mr. and Mrs. Martin separate and take the chairs they had at the #eginning.2 MR. MARTIN %arl n., le!)# ,or.e! all !(a! (a# no! "a##ed $e!ween +#, and, now !(a! we (ave ,o+nd eac( o!(er a.a n, le!)# !ry no! !o lo#e eac( o!(er any more, and l ve a# $e,ore. MRS. MARTIN Ye#, darl n.. 1Mr. and Mrs. Smith enter from the right, wearing the same clothes.2 MRS. SMITH Good even n., dear ,r end#B 5lea#e ,or. ve +# ,or (av n. made yo+ wa ! #o lon.. *e !(o+.(! !(a! we #(o+ld e;!end yo+ !(e co+r!e#y !o w( c( yo+ are en! !led and a# #oon a# we learned !(a! yo+ (ad $een k nd eno+.( !o . ve +# !(e "lea#+re o, com n. !o #ee +# w !(o+! "r or no! ce we (+rr ed !o dre## ,or !(e occa# on. MR. SMITH 1furious2 *e)ve (ad no!( n. !o ea! all day. &nd we)ve $een wa ! n. ,o+r w(ole (o+r# ,or yo+. *(y (ave yo+ come #o la!e8 1Mr. and Mrs. Smith sit facing their guests. The striking of the clock underlines the speeches, more or less strongly, according to the case. The Martins, particularly Mrs. Martin, seem em#arrassed and timid. (or this reason the conversation #egins with difficulty and the words are uttered, at the #eginning, awkwardly. A long em#arrassed silence at first, then other silences and hesitations follow.2 MR. SMITH Hm. 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH Hm, (m. 1Silence.2 MRS. MARTIN Hm, (m, (m. 1Silence.2 -619MR. MARTIN Hm, (m, (m, (m. 1Silence.2 MRS. MARTIN <(, $+! de, n !ely. 1Silence.2 MR. MARTIN *e all (ave cold#. 1Silence.2 MR. SMITH Never!(ele##, !)# no! c( lly. 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH '(ere)# no dra,!. 1Silence.2 MR. MARTIN <( no, ,or!+na!ely. 1Silence.2 MR. SMITH <( dear, o( dear, o( dear. 1Silence.2 MR. MARTIN %on)! yo+ ,eel well8 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH No, (e)# we! ( # "an!#. 1Silence.2 MRS. MARTIN <(, # r, a! yo+r a.e, yo+ #(o+ldn)!. 1Silence.2

MR. SMITH '(e (ear! # a.ele##. 1Silence.2 MR. MARTIN '(a!)# !r+e. 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH 0o !(ey #ay. 1Silence.2 MRS. MARTIN '(ey al#o #ay !(e o""o# !e. 1Silence.2 MR. SMITH '(e !r+!( l e# #omew(ere $e!ween !(e !wo. 1Silence.2 MR. MARTIN '(a!)# !r+e. 1Silence.2 MRS. SMITH 1to the Martins2 0 nce yo+ !ravel #o m+c(, yo+ m+#! (ave many n!ere#! n. !( n.# !o !ell +#. MR. MARTIN 1to his wife2 My dear, !ell +# w(a! yo+)ve #een !oday. MRS. MARTIN 4!)# #carcely wor!( !(e !ro+$le, ,or no one wo+ld $el eve me. MR. SMITH *e)re no! .o n. !o 7+e#! on yo+r # ncer !yB MRS. SMITH Yo+ w ll o,,end +# , yo+ !( nk !(a!. MR. MARTIN 1to his wife2 Yo+ w ll o,,end !(em, my dear, , yo+ !( nk !(a! . . . MRS. MARTIN 1graciously2 <( well, !oday 4 w !ne##ed #ome!( n. e;!raord nary. 0ome!( n. really ncred $le. MR. MARTIN 'ell +# 7+ ckly, my dear. MR. SMITH <(, !( # # .o n. !o $e am+# n.. MRS. SMITH &! la#!. MRS. MARTIN *ell, !oday, w(en 4 wen! #(o"" n. !o $+y #ome ve.e!a$le#, w( c( are .e!! n. !o $e dearer and dearer . . . MRS. SMITH *(ere # ! all .o n. !o endB MR. SMITH Yo+ #(o+ldn)! n!err+"!, my dear, !)# very r+de. MRS. MARTIN 4n !(e #!ree!, near a ca,H, 4 #aw a man, "ro"erly dre##ed, a$o+! , ,!y year# old, or no! even !(a!, w(o . . . MR. SMITH *(o, w(a!8 MRS. SMITH *(o, w(a!8 MR. SMITH 1to his wife2 %on)! n!err+"!, my dear, yo+)re d #.+#! n..

MRS. SMITH My dear, ! # yo+ w(o n!err+"!ed , r#!, yo+ $oor. MR. SMITH 1to his wife2 H+#(. 1To Mrs. Martin2 *(a! wa# !( # man do n.8 MRS. MARTIN *ell, 4)m #+re yo+)ll #ay !(a! 4)m mak n. ! +"--(e wa# down on one knee and (e wa# $en! over. MR. MARTIN, MR. SMITH, MRS. SMITH <(B MRS. MARTIN Ye#, $en! over. MR. SMITH No! "o## $le. MRS. MARTIN Ye#, $en! over. 4 wen! near ( m !o #ee w(a! (e wa# do n. . . . MR. SMITH &nd8 MRS. MARTIN He wa# !y n. ( # #(oe lace w( c( (ad come +ndone. MR. MARTIN, MR. SMITH, MRS. SMITH Fan!a#! cB MR. SMITH 4, #omeone el#e (ad !old me !( #, 4)d no! $el eve !. MR. MARTIN *(y no!8 <ne #ee# !( n.# even more e;!raord nary every day, w(en one walk# aro+nd. For n#!ance, !oday n !(e Under.ro+nd 4 my#el, #aw a man, 7+ e!ly # !! n. on a #ea!, read n. ( # new#"a"er. MRS. SMITH *(a! a c(arac!erB MR. SMITH 5er(a"# ! wa# !(e #ame manB 1The door#ell rings.2 MR. SMITH Goodne##, #omeone # r n. n.. MRS. SMITH '(ere m+#! $e #ome$ody !(ere. 4)ll .o and #ee. 1She goes to see, she opens the door and closes it, and comes #ack.2 No$ody. 1She sits down again.2 MR. MARTIN 4)m .o n. !o . ve yo+ ano!(er e;am"le . . . 1)oor#ell rings again.2 MR. SMITH Goodne##, #omeone # r n. n.. MRS. SMITH '(ere m+#! $e #ome$ody !(ere. 4)ll .o and #ee. 1She goes to see, opens the door, and comes #ack.2 No one. 1She sits down again.2 MR. MARTIN 1who has forgotten where he was2 U( . . . MRS. MARTIN Yo+ were #ay n. !(a! yo+ were .o n. !o . ve +# ano!(er e;am"le. MR. MARTIN <(, ye# . . . 1)oor#ell rings again.2 MR. SMITH Goodne##, #omeone # r n. n..

MRS. SMITH 4)m no! .o n. !o o"en !(e door a.a n. -611MR. SMITH Ye#, $+! !(ere m+#! $e #omeone !(ereB MRS. SMITH '(e , r#! ! me !(ere wa# no one. '(e #econd ! me, no one. *(y do yo+ !( nk !(a! !(ere # #omeone !(ere now8 MR. SMITH Beca+#e #omeone (a# r+n.B MRS. MARTIN '(a!)# no rea#on. MR. MARTIN *(a!8 *(en one (ear# !(e door$ell r n., !(a! mean# #omeone # a! !(e door r n. n. !o (ave !(e door o"ened. MRS. MARTIN No! alway#. Yo+)ve =+#! #een. o!(erw #eB MR. MARTIN 4n mo#! ca#e#, ye#. MR. SMITH &# ,or me, w(en 4 .o !o v # ! #omeone, 4 r n. n order !o $e adm !!ed. 4 !( nk !(a! everyone doe# !(e #ame !( n. and !(a! eac( ! me !(ere # a r n. !(ere m+#! $e #omeone !(ere. MRS. SMITH '(a! # !r+e n !(eory. B+! n real !y !( n.# (a""en d ,,eren!ly. Yo+ (ave =+#! #een o!(erw #e. MRS. MARTIN Yo+r w ,e # r .(!. MR. MARTIN <(B Yo+ womenB Yo+ alway# #!and +" ,or eac( o!(er. MRS. SMITH *ell, 4)ll .o and #ee. Yo+ can)! #ay !(a! 4 am o$#! na!e, $+! yo+ w ll #ee !(a! !(ere)# no one !(ereB 1She goes to look, opens the door and closes it.2 Yo+ #ee, !(ere)# no one !(ere. 1She returns to her seat.2 MRS. MARTIN <(, !(e#e men w(o alway# !( nk !(ey)re r .(! and w(o)re alway# wron.B 1The door#ell rings again.2 MR. SMITH Goodne##, #omeone # r n. n.. '(ere m+#! $e #omeone !(ere. MRS. SMITH 1in a fit of anger2 %on)! #end me !o o"en !(e door a.a n. Yo+)ve #een !(a! ! wa# +#ele##. -;"er ence !eac(e# +# !(a! w(en one (ear# !(e door$ell r n. ! # $eca+#e !(ere # never anyone !(ere. MRS. MARTIN Never. MR. MARTIN '(a!)# no! en! rely acc+ra!e.

MR. SMITH 4n ,ac! !)# ,al#e. *(en one (ear# !(e door$ell r n. ! # $eca+#e !(ere # #omeone !(ere. MRS. SMITH He won)! adm ! (e)# wron.. MRS. MARTIN My (+#$and # very o$#! na!e, !oo. MR. SMITH '(ere)# #omeone !(ere. MR. MARTIN '(a!)# no! m"o## $le. MRS. SMITH 1to her hus#and2 No. MR. SMITH Ye#. MRS. SMITH 4 !ell yo+ no. 4n any ca#e yo+ are no! .o n. !o d #!+r$ me a.a n ,or no!( n.. 4, yo+ w #( !o know, .o and look yo+r#el,B MR. SMITH 4)ll .o. 1Mrs. Smith shrugs her shoulders. Mrs. Martin tosses her head.2 MR. SMITH 1opening the door2 <(B (ow do yo+ do. 1He glances at Mrs. Smith and the Martins, who are all surprise.2 4!)# !(e F re >( e,B FIRE CHIEF 1he is of course in uniform and is wearing an enormous shining helmet2 Good even n., lad e# and .en!lemen. 1The Smiths and the Martins are still slightly astonished. Mrs. Smith turns her head away, in a temper, and does not reply to his greeting.2 Good even n., Mr#. 0m !(. Yo+ a""ear !o $e an.ry. MRS. SMITH <(B MR. SMITH Yo+ #ee !)# $eca+#e my w ,e # a l !!le c(a.r ned a! (av n. $een "roved wron.. MR. MARTIN '(ere)# $een an ar.+men! $e!ween Mr. and Mr#. 0m !(, Mr. F re >( e,. MRS. SMITH 1to Mr. Martin2 '( # # no $+# ne## o, yo+r#B 1To Mr. Smith2 4 $e. yo+ no! !o nvolve o+!# der# n o+r ,am ly ar.+men!#. MR. SMITH <(, my dear, !( # # no! #o #er o+#. '(e F re >( e, # an old ,r end o, !(e ,am ly. H # mo!(er co+r!ed me, and 4 knew ( # ,a!(er. He a#ked me !o . ve ( m my da+.(!er n marr a.e , ever 4 (ad one. &nd (e d ed wa ! n.. MR. MARTIN '(a!)# ne !(er ( # ,a+l!, nor yo+r#. FIRE CHIEF *ell, w(a! # ! all a$o+!8 MRS. SMITH My (+#$and wa# cla m n. . . . MR. SMITH No, ! wa# yo+ w(o wa# cla m n.. MR. MARTIN Ye#, ! wa# #(e.

MRS. MARTIN No, ! wa# (e. FIRE CHIEF %on)! .e! e;c !ed. Yo+ !ell me, Mr#. 0m !(. MRS. SMITH *ell, !( # # (ow ! wa#. 4! # d ,, c+l! ,or me !o #"eak o"enly !o yo+, $+! a , reman # al#o a con,e##or. FIRE CHIEF *ell !(en8 MRS. SMITH *e were ar.+ n. $eca+#e my (+#$and #a d !(a! eac( ! me !(e door$ell r n.# !(ere # alway# #omeone !(ere. MR. MARTIN 4! # "la+# $le. MRS. SMITH &nd 4 wa# #ay n. !(a! eac( ! me !(e door$ell r n.# !(ere # never anyone !(ere. MRS. MARTIN 4! m .(! #eem #!ran.e. -61IMRS. SMITH B+! ! (a# $een "roved, no! $y !(eore! cal demon#!ra! on#, $+! $y ,ac!#. MR. SMITH '(a!)# ,al#e, # nce !(e F re >( e, # (ere. He ran. !(e $ell, 4 o"ened !(e door, and !(ere (e wa#. MRS. MARTIN *(en8 MR. MARTIN B+! =+#! now. MRS. SMITH Ye#, $+! ! wa# only w(en yo+ (eard !(e door$ell r n. !(e ,o+r!( ! me !(a! !(ere wa# #omeone !(ere. &nd !(e ,o+r!( ! me doe# no! co+n!. MRS. MARTIN Never. 4! # only !(e , r#! !(ree ! me# !(a! co+n!. MR. SMITH Mr. F re >( e,, "erm ! me n my !+rn !o a#k yo+ #everal 7+e#! on#. FIRE CHIEF Go r .(! a(ead. MR. SMITH *(en 4 o"ened !(e door and #aw yo+, ! wa# really yo+ w(o (ad r+n. !(e $ell8 FIRE CHIEF Ye#, ! wa# 4. MR. MARTIN Yo+ were a! !(e door8 &nd yo+ ran. n order !o $e adm !!ed8 FIRE CHIEF 4 do no! deny !. MR. SMITH 1to his wife, triumphantly2 Yo+ #ee8 4 wa# r .(!. *(en yo+ (ear !(e door$ell r n., !(a! mean# #omeone ran. !. Yo+ cer!a nly canno! #ay !(a! !(e F re >( e, # no! #omeone.

MRS. SMITH >er!a nly no!. 4 re"ea! !o yo+ !(a! 4 wa# #"eak n. o, only !(e , r#! !(ree ! me#, # nce !(e ,o+r!( ! me doe# no! co+n!. MRS. MARTIN &nd w(en !(e door$ell ran. !(e , r#! ! me, wa# ! yo+8 FIRE CHIEF No, ! wa# no! 4. MRS. MARTIN Yo+ #ee8 '(e door$ell ran. and !(ere wa# no one !(ere. MR. MARTIN 5er(a"# ! wa# #omeone el#e8 MR. SMITH *ere yo+ #!and n. a! !(e door ,or a lon. ! me8 FIRE CHIEF '(ree-7+ar!er# o, an (o+r. MR. SMITH &nd yo+ #aw no one8 FIRE CHIEF No one. 4 am #+re o, !(a!. MRS. MARTIN &nd d d yo+ (ear !(e $ell w(en ! ran. !(e #econd ! me8 FIRE CHIEF Ye#, and !(a! wa#n)! 4 e !(er. &nd !(ere wa# #! ll no one !(ere. MRS. SMITH J c!oryB 4 wa# r .(!. MR. SMITH 1to his wife2 No! #o ,a#!. 1To the (ire *hief2 &nd w(a! were yo+ do n. a! !(e door8 FIRE CHIEF No!( n.. 4 wa# =+#! #!and n. !(ere. 4 wa# !( nk n. o, many !( n.#. MR. MARTIN 1to the (ire *hief2 B+! !(e !( rd ! me-- ! wa# no! yo+ w(o ran.8 FIRE CHIEF Ye#, ! wa# 4. MR. SMITH B+! w(en !(e door wa# o"ened no$ody wa# n # .(!. FIRE CHIEF '(a! wa# $eca+#e 4 (ad ( dden my#el,--a# a =oke. MRS. SMITH %on)! make =oke#, Mr. F re >( e,. '( # $+# ne## # !oo #ad. MR. MARTIN 4n #(or!, we #! ll do no! know w(e!(er, w(en !(e door$ell r n.#, !(ere # #omeone !(ere or no!B MRS. SMITH Never anyone. MR. SMITH &lway# #omeone. FIRE CHIEF 4 am .o n. !o reconc le yo+. Yo+ $o!( are "ar!ly r .(!. *(en !(e door$ell r n.#, #ome! me# !(ere # #omeone, o!(er ! me# !(ere # no one.

MR. MARTIN '( # #eem# lo. cal !o me. MRS. MARTIN 4 !( nk #o !oo. FIRE CHIEF / ,e # very # m"le, really. 1To the S iths 2 Go on and k ## eac( o!(er. MRS. SMITH *e =+#! k ##ed eac( o!(er a l !!le w( le a.o. MR. MARTIN '(ey)ll k ## eac( o!(er !omorrow. '(ey (ave "len!y o, ! me. MRS. SMITH Mr. F re >( e,, # nce yo+ (ave (el"ed +# #e!!le !( #, "lea#e make yo+r#el, com,or!a$le, !ake o,, yo+r (elme! and # ! down ,or a momen!. FIRE CHIEF -;c+#e me, $+! 4 can)! #!ay lon.. 4 #(o+ld l ke !o remove my (elme!, $+! 4 (aven)! ! me !o # ! down. 1He sits down, without removing his helmet.2 4 m+#! adm ! !(a! 4 (ave come !o #ee yo+ ,or ano!(er rea#on. 4 am on o,, c al $+# ne##. MRS. SMITH &nd w(a! can we do ,or yo+, Mr. F re >( e,8 FIRE CHIEF 4 m+#! $e. yo+ !o e;c+#e my nd #cre! on 1terri#ly em#arrassed2 . . . +(m 1pointing a finger at the Martins2 . . . yo+ don)! m nd . . . n ,ron! o, !(em . . . MRS. MARTIN 0ay w(a!ever yo+ l ke. MR. MARTIN *e)re old ,r end#. '(ey !ell +# every!( n.. MR. SMITH 0"eak. FIRE CHIEF -(, well-- # !(ere a , re (ere8 MRS. SMITH *(y do yo+ a#k +# !(a!8 -61FFIRE CHIEF 4!)# $eca+#e--"ardon me--4 (ave order# !o e;! n.+ #( all !(e , re# n !(e c !y. MRS. MARTIN &ll8 FIRE CHIEF Ye#, all. MRS. SMITH 1confused2 4 don)! know . . . 4 don)! !( nk #o. %o yo+ wan! me !o .o and look8 MR. SMITH 1sniffing2 '(ere can)! $e one (ere. '(ere)# no #mell o, any!( n. $+rn n.. D FIRE CHIEF 1aggrieved2 None a! all8 Yo+ don)! (ave a l !!le , re n !(e c( mney, #ome!( n. $+rn n. n !(e a!! c or n !(e cellar8 & l !!le , re =+#! #!ar! n., a! lea#!8 MRS. SMITH 4 am #orry !o d #a""o n! yo+ $+! 4 do no! $el eve !(ere)# any!( n. (ere a! !(e momen!. 4 "rom #e !(a! 4 w ll no! ,y yo+ w(en we do (ave #ome!( n..

FIRE CHIEF 5lea#e don)! ,or.e!, ! wo+ld $e a .rea! (el". MRS. SMITH '(a!)# a "rom #e. FIRE CHIEF 1to the Martins2 &nd !(ere)# no!( n. $+rn n. a! yo+r (o+#e e !(er8 MRS. MARTIN No, +n,or!+na!ely. MR. MARTIN 1to the (ire *hief2 '( n.# aren)! .o n. #o well =+#! now. (+,E *H+E( Jery "oorly. '(ere)# $een almo#! no!( n., a ,ew !r ,le#--a c( mney, a $arn. No!( n. m"or!an!. 4! doe#n)! $r n. n m+c(. &nd # nce !(ere are no re!+rn#, !(e "ro, !# on o+!"+! are very mea.er. M,. SM+TH ' me# are $ad. '(a!)# !r+e all over. 4!)# !(e #ame !( # year w !( $+# ne## and a.r c+l!+re a# ! # w !( , re#, no!( n. # "ro#"er n.. MR. MARTIN No w(ea!, no , re#. FIRE CHIEF No ,lood# e !(er. MRS. SMITH B+! !(ere # #ome #+.ar. MR. SMITH '(a!)# $eca+#e ! # m"or!ed. MRS. MARTIN 4!)# (arder n !(e ca#e o, , re#. '(e !ar ,,# are !oo ( .(B FIRE CHIEF &ll !(e #ame, !(ere)# an occa# onal a#"(y; a! on $y .a#, $+! !(a!)# +n+#+al !oo. For n#!ance, a yo+n. woman a#"(y; a!ed (er#el, la#! week--#(e (ad le,! !(e .a# on. MRS. MARTIN Had #(e ,or.o!!en !8 FIRE CHIEF No, $+! #(e !(o+.(! ! wa# (er com$. MR. SMITH '(e#e con,+# on# are alway# dan.ero+#B MRS. SMITH % d yo+ .o !o #ee !(e ma!c( dealer8 FIRE CHIEF '(ere)# no!( n. do n. !(ere. He # n#+red a.a n#! , re#. MR. MARTIN *(y don)! yo+ .o #ee !(e J car o, *ake, eld, and +#e my name8 FIRE CHIEF 4 don)! (ave !(e r .(! !o e;! n.+ #( cler.ymen)# , re#. '(e B #(o" wo+ld .e! an.ry. Be# de# !(ey e;! n.+ #( !(e r , re# !(em#elve#, or el#e !(ey (ave !(em "+! o+! $y ve#!al v r. n#. MR. SMITH Go #ee !(e %+rand#.

FIRE CHIEF 4 can)! do !(a! e !(er. He)# no! -n.l #(. He)# only $een na!+ral ?ed. &nd na!+ral ?ed c ! ?en# (ave !(e r .(! !o (ave (o+#e#, $+! no! !(e r .(! !o (ave !(em "+! o+! , !(ey)re $+rn n.. MRS. SMITH Never!(ele##, w(en !(ey #e! , re !o ! la#! year, ! wa# "+! o+! =+#! !(e #ame. FIRE CHIEF He d d !(a! all $y ( m#el,. >lande#! nely. B+! !)# no! 4 w(o wo+ld re"or! ( m. MR. SMITH Ne !(er wo+ld 4. MRS. SMITH Mr. F re >( e,, # nce yo+ are no! !oo "re##ed, #!ay a l !!le w( le lon.er. Yo+ wo+ld $e do n. +# a ,avor. FIRE CHIEF 0(all 4 !ell yo+ #ome #!or e#8 MRS. SMITH <(, $y all mean#, (ow c(arm n. o, yo+. 1She kisses him.2 M,. SM+TH, M,S. MA,T+-, M,. MA,T+- Ye#, ye#, #ome #!or e#, (+rra(B 1They applaud.2 MR. SMITH &nd w(a! # even more n!ere#! n. # !(e ,ac! !(a! , remen)# #!or e# are all !r+e, and !(ey)re $a#ed on e;"er ence. FIRE CHIEF 4 #"eak ,rom my own e;"er ence. 'r+!(, no!( n. $+! !(e !r+!(. No , c! on. MR. MARTIN '(a!)# r .(!. 'r+!( # never ,o+nd n $ook#, only n l ,e. MRS. SMITH Be. nB MR. MARTIN Be. nB MRS. MARTIN Be 7+ e!, (e # $e. nn n.. FIRE CHIEF 1coughs slightly several times2 -;c+#e me, don)! look a! me !(a! way. Yo+ em$arra## me. Yo+ know !(a! 4 am #(y. MRS. SMITH 4#n)! (e c(arm n.B 1She kisses him.2 FIRE CHIEF 4)m .o n. !o !ry !o $e. n any(ow. B+! "rom #e me !(a! yo+ won)! l #!en. MRS. MARTIN B+! , we don)! l #!en !o yo+ we won)! (ear yo+. FIRE CHIEF 4 d dn)! !( nk o, !(a!B MRS. SMITH 4 !old yo+, (e)# =+#! a $oy. MR. MARTIN, MR. SMITH <(, !(e #wee! c( ldB KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK D 4n N cola# Ba!a lle)# "rod+c! on Mr. and Mr#. Mar! n #n ,,ed !oo.

-61G1They kiss him. D 2 MRS. MARTIN >( n +"B FIRE CHIEF *ell, !(enB 1He coughs again in a voice shaken #y emotion.2 L'(e %o. and !(e >ow,L an e;"er men!al ,a$le. <nce +"on a ! me ano!(er cow a#ked ano!(er do.: L*(y (ave yo+ no! #wallowed yo+r !r+nk8LL5ardon me,L re"l ed !(e do., L ! # $eca+#e 4 !(o+.(! !(a! 4 wa# an ele"(an!.L MRS. MARTIN *(a! # !(e moral8 FIRE CHIEF '(a!)# ,or yo+ !o , nd o+!. MR. SMITH He)# r .(!. MRS. SMITH 1furious2 'ell +# ano!(er. FIRE CHIEF & yo+n. cal, (ad ea!en !oo m+c( .ro+nd .la##. &# a re#+l!, ! wa# o$l .ed !o . ve $ r!(. 4! $ro+.(! ,or!( a cow n!o !(e world. However, # nce !(e cal, wa# male, !(e cow co+ld no! call ( m Mamma. Nor co+ld #(e call ( m 5a"a, $eca+#e !(e cal, wa# !oo l !!le. '(e cal, wa# !(en o$l .ed !o .e! marr ed and !(e re. #!ry o,, ce carr ed o+! all !(e de!a l# com"le!ely M la mode. MR. SMITH & la mode de >aen. MR. MARTIN / ke !r "e#. FIRE CHIEF Yo+)ve (eard !(a! one8 MRS. SMITH 4! wa# n all !(e "a"er#. MRS. MARTIN 4! (a""ened no! ,ar ,rom o+r (o+#e. FIRE CHIEF 4)ll !ell yo+ ano!(er: L'(e >ock.L <nce +"on a ! me, a cock w #(ed !o "lay !(e do.. B+! (e (ad no l+ck $eca+#e everyone reco.n ?ed ( m r .(! away. MRS. SMITH <n !(e o!(er (and, !(e do. !(a! w #(ed !o "lay !(e cock wa# never reco.n ?ed. MR. SMITH 4)ll !ell yo+ one: L'(e 0nake and !(e Fo;.L <nce +"on a ! me, a #nake came +" !o a ,o; and #a d: L4! #eem# !o me !(a! 4 know yo+BL '(e ,o; re"l ed !o ( m: LMe !oo.L L'(en,L #a d !(e #nake, L. ve me #ome money.L L& ,o; doe#n)! . ve money,L re"l ed !(e !r cky an mal, w(o, n order !o e#ca"e, =+m"ed down n!o a dee" rav ne ,+ll o, #!raw$err e# and c( cken (oney. B+! !(e #nake wa# !(ere wa ! n. ,or ( m w !( a Me"( #!o"(elean la+.(. '(e ,o; "+lled o+! ( # kn ,e, #(o+! n.: L4)m .o n. !o !eac( yo+ (ow !o l veBL '(en (e !ook !o ,l .(!, !+rn n. ( # $ack. B+! (e (ad no l+ck. '(e #nake wa# 7+ cker. * !( a well-c(o#en $low o, ( # , #!, (e #!r+ck !(e ,o; n !(e m ddle o, ( # ,ore(ead, w( c( $roke n!o a !(o+#and " ece#, w( le (e cr ed: LNoB NoB Fo+r ! me# noB 4)m no! yo+r da+.(!er.L D

MRS. MARTIN 4!)# n!ere#! n.. MRS. SMITH 4!)# no! $ad. MR. MARTIN 1shaking Mr. Smith!s hand2 My con.ra!+la! on#. FIRE CHIEF 1'ealous2 No! #o .ood. &nd anyway, 4)ve (eard ! $e,ore. MR. SMITH 4!)# !err $ e. MRS. SMITH B+! ! wa#n)! even !r+e. MRS. MARTIN Ye#, +n,or!+na!ely. MR. MARTIN 1to Mrs. Smith2 4!)# yo+r !+rn, dear lady. MRS. SMITH 4 only know one. 4)m .o n. !o !ell ! !o yo+. 4!)# called L'(e Bo+7+e!.L MR. SMITH My w ,e (a# alway# $een roman! c. MR. MARTIN 0(e)# a !r+e -n.l #(woman. N MRS. SMITH Here ! #: <nce +"on a ! me, a , ancH .ave a $o+7+e! o, ,lower# !o ( # , ancHe, w(o #a d, L'(ank#L6 $+! $e,ore #(e (ad #a d L'(ank#,L (e, w !(o+! #ay n. a # n.le word, !ook $ack !(e ,lower# (e (ad . ven (er n order !o !eac( (er a .ood le##on, and (e #a d, L4 !ake !(em $ack.L He #a d, LGood$ye,L and !ook !(em $ack and wen! o,, n all d rec! on#. MR. MARTIN <(, c(arm n.B 1He either kisses or does not kiss Mrs. Smith.2 MRS. MARTIN Yo+ (ave a w ,e, Mr. 0m !(, o, w(om all !(e world # =ealo+#. MR. SMITH 4!)# !r+e. My w ,e # n!ell .ence "er#on , ed. 0(e)# even more n!ell .en! !(an 1. 4n any ca#e, #(e # m+c( more ,em n ne, everyone #ay# #o. MRS. SMITH 1to the (ire *hief2 /e!)# (ave ano!(er, Mr. F re >( e,. FIRE CHIEF <(, no, !)# !oo la!e. MR. MARTIN 'ell +# one, anyway. FIRE CHIEF 4)m !oo ! red. MR. SMITH 5lea#e do +# a ,avor. MR. MARTIN 4 $e. yo+. FIRE CHIEF No. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK D 4n N cola# Ba!a lle)# "rod+c! on, !(ey d d no! k ## !(e F re >( e,.

'( # #!ory wa# dele!ed n N cola# Ba!a lle)# "rod+c! on. Mr. 0m !( wen! !(ro+.( !(e .e#!+re# only, w !(o+! mak n. a #o+nd. N '(e#e !wo #"eec(e# were re"ea!ed !(ree ! me# n !(e or . nal "rod+c! on. -61:MRS. MARTIN Yo+ (ave a (ear! o, ce. *e)re # !! n. on (o! coal#. MRS. SMITH 1falls on her knees so##ing, or else she does not do this2 4 m"lore yo+B FIRE CHIEF 3 .(!o. MR. SMITH 1in Mrs. Martin!s ear2 He a.ree#B He)# .o n. !o $ore +# a.a n. MRS. MARTIN 0((. MRS. SMITH No l+ck. 4 wa# !oo "ol !e. FIRE CHIEF L'(e Headcold.L My $ro!(er- n-law (ad, on !(e "a!ernal # de, a , r#! co+# n w(o#e ma!ernal +ncle (ad a ,a!(er- n-law w(o#e "a!ernal .rand,a!(er (ad marr ed a# ( # #econd w ,e a yo+n. na! ve w(o#e $ro!(er (e (ad me! on one o, ( # !ravel#, a . rl o, w(om (e wa# enamored and $y w(om (e (ad a #on w(o marr ed an n!re" d lady "(armac #! w(o wa# none o!(er !(an !(e n ece o, an +nknown ,o+r!(-cla## "e!!y o,, cer o, !(e 3oyal Navy and w(o#e ado"!ed ,a!(er (ad an a+n! w(o #"oke 0"an #( ,l+en!ly and w(o wa#, "er(a"#, one o, !(e .randda+.(!er# o, an en. neer w(o d ed yo+n., ( m#el, !(e .rand#on o, !(e owner o, a v neyard w( c( "rod+ced med ocre w ne, $+! w(o (ad a #econd co+# n, a #!ay-a!-(ome, a #er.ean!-ma=or, w(o#e #on (ad marr ed a very "re!!y yo+n. woman, a d vorcHe, w(o#e , r#! (+#$and wa# !(e #on o, a loyal "a!r o! w(o, n !(e (o"e o, mak n. ( # ,or!+ne, (ad mana.ed !o $r n. +" one o, ( # da+.(!er# #o !(a! #(e co+ld marry a ,oo!man w(o (ad known 3o!(#c( ld, and w(o#e $ro!(er, a,!er (av n. c(an.ed ( # !rade #everal ! me#, marr ed and (ad a da+.(!er w(o#e #!+n!ed .rea!-.rand,a!(er wore #"ec!acle# w( c( (ad $een . ven ( m $y a co+# n o, ( #, !(e $ro!(er- n-law o, a man ,rom 5or!+.al, na!+ral #on o, a m ller, no! !oo $adly o,,, w(o#e ,o#!er-$ro!(er (ad marr ed !(e da+.(!er o, a ,ormer co+n!ry doc!or, w(o wa# ( m#el, a ,o#!er$ro!(er o, !(e #on o, a ,ore#!er, ( m#el, !(e na!+ral #on o, ano!(er co+n!ry doc!or, marr ed !(ree ! me# n a row, w(o#e !( rd w ,e . . . MR. MARTIN 4 knew !(a! !( rd w ,e, , 4)m no! m #!aken. 0(e a!e c( cken # !! n. on a (orne!)# ne#!. FIRE CHIEF 4!)# no! !(e #ame one. MRS. SMITH 0((B FIRE CHIEF &# 4 wa# #ay n. . . . w(o#e !( rd w ,e wa# !(e da+.(!er o, !(e $e#! m dw ,e n !(e re. on and w(o, early le,! a w dow . . . MR. SMITH / ke my w ,e. FIRE CHIEF. . . Had marr ed a .la? er w(o wa# ,+ll o, l ,e and w(o (ad (ad, $y !(e da+.(!er o, a #!a! on ma#!er, a c( ld w(o (ad $+rned ( # $r d.e# . . .

MRS. SMITH H # $r !c(e#8 MR. MARTIN No, ( # $r d.e .ame. FIRE CHIEF &nd (ad marr ed an oy#!er woman, w(o#e ,a!(er (ad a $ro!(er, mayor o, a #mall !own, w(o (ad !aken a# ( # w ,e a $londe #c(ool!eac(er, w(o#e co+# n, a ,ly , #(erman . .. MR. MARTIN & ,ly $y n .(!8 FIRE CHIEF. . . Had marr ed ano!(er $londe #c(ool!eac(er, named Mar e, !oo, w(o#e $ro!(er wa# marr ed !o ano!(er Mar e, al#o a $londe #c(ool!eac(er . . . MR. SMITH 0 nce #(e)# $londe, #(e m+#! $e Mar e. FIRE CHIEF. . . &nd w(o#e ,a!(er (ad $een reared n >anada $y an old woman w(o wa# !(e n ece o, a "r e#! w(o#e .randmo!(er, occa# onally n !(e w n!er, l ke everyone el#e, ca+.(! a cold. MRS. SMITH & c+r o+# #!ory. &lmo#! +n$el eva$le. MR. MARTIN 4, yo+ ca!c( a cold, yo+ #(o+ld .e! yo+r#el, a col!. MR. SMITH 4!)# a +#ele## "reca+! on, $+! a$#ol+!ely nece##ary. MRS. MARTIN -;c+#e me, Mr. F re >( e,, $+! 4 d d no! ,ollow yo+r #!ory very well. &! !(e end, w(en we .o! !o !(e .randmo!(er o, !(e "r e#!, 4 .o! m ;ed +". MR. SMITH <ne alway# .e!# m ;ed +" n !(e (and# o, a "r e#!. MRS. SMITH <( ye#, Mr. F re >( e,, $e. n a.a n. -veryone wan!# !o (ear. FIRE CHIEF &(, 4 don)! know w(e!(er 4)ll $e a$le !o. 4)m on o,, c al $+# ne##. 4! de"end# on w(a! ! me ! #. MRS. SMITH *e don)! (ave !(e ! me, (ere. FIRE CHIEF B+! !(e clock8 MR. SMITH 4! r+n# $adly. 4! # con!rad c!ory, and alway# nd ca!e# !(e o""o# !e o, w(a! !(e (o+r really #. 1Enter Mary.2 MARY Madam . . . # r . . . -616MRS. SMITH *(a! do yo+ wan!8

MR. SMITH *(a! (ave yo+ come n (ere ,or8 MARY 4 (o"e, madam and # r w ll e;c+#e me . . . and !(e#e lad e# and .en!lemen !oo . . . 4 wo+ld l ke . . . 4 wo+ld l ke . . . !o !ell yo+ a #!ory, my#el,. MRS. MARTIN *(a! # #(e #ay n.8 MR. MARTIN 4 $el eve !(a! o+r ,r end#) ma d # .o n. cra?y . . . #(e wan!# !o !ell +# a #!ory, !oo. FIRE CHIEF *(o doe# #(e !( nk #(e #8 1He looks at her.2 <(B MRS. SMITH *(y are yo+ $+!! n. n8 MR. SMITH '( # # really +ncalled ,or, Mary . . . FIRE CHIEF <(B B+! ! # #(eB 4ncred $leB MR. SMITH &nd yo+8 MARY 4ncred $leB HereB MRS. SMITH *(a! doe# all !( # mean8 MR. SMITH Yo+ know eac( o!(er8 FIRE CHIEF &nd (owB 1Mary throws herself on the neck of the (ire *hief.2 MARY 4)m #o .lad !o #ee yo+ a.a n . . . a! la#!B MR. AND MRS. SMITH <(B MR. SMITH '( # # !oo m+c(, (ere, n o+r (ome, n !(e #+$+r$# o, /ondon. MRS. SMITH 4!)# no! "ro"erB FIRE CHIEF 4! wa# #(e w(o e;! n.+ #(ed my , r#! , re#. MARY 4)m yo+r l !!le , re (o#e. MR. MARTIN 4, !(a! # !(e ca#e . . . dear ,r end# . . . !(e#e emo! on# are +nder#!anda$le, (+man, (onora$le . . . MRS. MARTIN &ll !(a! # (+man # (onora$le. MRS. SMITH -ven #o, 4 don)! l ke !o #ee ! . . . (ere amon. +# . . . MR. SMITH 0(e)# no! $een "ro"erly $ro+.(! +" . . . FIRE CHIEF <(, yo+ (ave !oo many "re=+d ce#.

MRS. MARTIN *(a! 4 !( nk # !(a! a ma d, a,!er all--even !(o+.( !)# none o, my $+# ne##-# never any!( n. $+! a ma d . . . MR. MARTIN -ven , #(e can #ome! me# $e a ra!(er .ood de!ec! ve. FIRE CHIEF /e! me .o. MARY %on)! $e +"#e!B . . . '(ey)re no! #o $ad really. MR. SMITH Hm . . . (m . . . yo+ !wo are very !o+c( n., $+! a! !(e #ame ! me, a l !!le . . . a l !!le . . . MR. MARTIN Ye#, !(a!)# e;ac!ly !(e word. MR. SMITH. . . & l !!le !oo e;( $ ! on #! c . . . MR. MARTIN '(ere # a na! ve Br ! #( mode#!y-,or. ve me ,or a!!em"! n., ye! a.a n, !o de, ne my !(o+.(!--no! +nder#!ood $y ,ore .ner#, even $y #"ec al #!#, !(ank# !o w( c(, , 4 may !(+# e;"re## my#el, . . . o, co+r#e, 4 don)! mean !o re,er !o yo+ . . . MARY 4 wa# .o n. !o !ell yo+ . . . MR. SMITH %on)! !ell +# any!( n. . . . MARY <( ye#B MRS. SMITH Go, my l !!le Mary, .o 7+ e!ly !o !(e k !c(en and read yo+r "oem# $e,ore !(e m rror . . . MR. MARTIN Yo+ know, even !(o+.( 4)m no! a ma d, 4 al#o read "oem# $e,ore !(e m rror. MRS. MARTIN '( # morn n. w(en yo+ looked a! yo+r#el, n !(e m rror yo+ d dn)! #ee yo+r#el,. MR. MARTIN '(a!)# $eca+#e 4 wa#n)! !(ere ye! . . . MARY &ll !(e #ame, 4 co+ld, "er(a"#, rec !e a l !!le "oem ,or yo+. MRS. SMITH My l !!le Mary, yo+ are ,r .(!,+lly o$#! na!e. MARY 4)m .o n. !o rec !e a "oem, !(en, # !(a! a.reed8 4! # a "oem en! !led L'(e F reL n (onor o, !(e F re >( e,: '(e "oly"o d# were $+rn n. n !(e wood & #!one ca+.(! , re '(e ca#!le ca+.(! , re '(e ,ore#! ca+.(! , re '(e men ca+.(! , re '(e women ca+.(! , re

'(e $ rd# ca+.(! , re '(e , #( ca+.(! , re '(e wa!er ca+.(! , re '(e #ky ca+.(! , re '(e a#(e# ca+.(! , re '(e #moke ca+.(! , re '(e , re ca+.(! , re -very!( n. ca+.(! , re >a+.(! , re, ca+.(! , re. 1She recites the poem while the Smiths are pushing her off-stage.2 MRS. MARTIN '(a! #en! c( ll# +" my #" ne . . . MR. MARTIN &nd ye! !(ere)# a cer!a n warm!( n !(o#e l ne# . . . FIRE CHIEF 4 !(o+.(! ! wa# marvelo+#. MRS. SMITH &ll !(e #ame . . . MR. SMITH Yo+)re e;a..era! n. . . . -61CFIRE CHIEF A+#! a m n+!e . . . 4 adm ! . . . all !( # # very #+$=ec! ve . . . $+! !( # # my conce"! on o, !(e world. My world. My dream. My deal . . . &nd now !( # rem nd# me !(a! 4 m+#! leave. 0 nce yo+ don)! (ave !(e ! me (ere, 4 m+#! !ell yo+ !(a! n e;ac!ly !(ree-7+ar!er# o, an (o+r and # ;!een m n+!e#, 4)m (av n. a , re a! !(e o!(er end o, !(e c !y. >on#e7+en!ly, 4 m+#! (+rry. -ven !(o+.( ! w ll $e 7+ !e +n m"or!an!. MRS. SMITH *(a! w ll ! $e8 & l !!le c( mney , re8 FIRE CHIEF <(, no! even !(a!. & #!raw , re and a l !!le (ear!$+rn. MR. SMITH *ell, we)re #orry !o #ee yo+ .o. MRS. SMITH Yo+ (ave $een very en!er!a n n.. MRS. MARTIN '(ank# !o yo+, we (ave "a##ed a !r+ly >ar!e# an 7+ar!er o, an (o+r. FIRE CHIEF 1moving toward the door, then stopping2 0"eak n. o, !(a!--!(e $ald #o"rano8 1.eneral silence, em#arrassment.2 MRS. SMITH 0(e alway# wear# (er (a r n !(e #ame #!yle. FIRE CHIEF &(B '(en .ood$ye, lad e# and .en!lemen. MR. MARTIN Good l+ck, and a .ood , reB

FIRE CHIEF /e!)# (o"e #o. For every$ody. 1(ire *hief e%its. All accompany him to the door and then return to their seats.2 MRS. MARTIN 4 can $+y a "ocke!kn ,e ,or my $ro!(er, $+! yo+ can)! $+y 4reland ,or yo+r .rand,a!(er. MR. SMITH <ne walk# on ( # ,ee!, $+! one (ea!# w !( elec!r c !y or coal. MR. MARTIN He w(o #ell# an o; !oday, w ll (ave an e.. !omorrow. MRS. SMITH 4n real l ,e, one m+#! look o+! o, !(e w ndow. MRS. MARTIN <ne can # ! down on a c(a r, w(en !(e c(a r doe#n)! (ave any. MR. SMITH <ne m+#! alway# !( nk o, every!( n.. MR. MARTIN '(e ce l n. # a$ove, !(e ,loor # $elow. MRS. SMITH *(en 4 #ay ye#, !)# only a manner o, #"eak n.. M30. M&3'4N 'o eac( ( # own. MR. SMITH 'ake a c rcle, care## !, and ! w ll !+rn v c o+#. MRS. SMITH & #c(oolma#!er !eac(e# ( # "+" l# !o read, $+! !(e ca! #+ckle# (er yo+n. w(en !(ey are #mall. M30. M&3'4N Never!(ele##, ! wa# !(e cow !(a! .ave +# !a l#. MR. SMITH *(en 4)m n !(e co+n!ry, 4 love !(e #ol !+de and !(e 7+ e!. MR. MARTIN Yo+ are no! old eno+.( ye! ,or !(a!. MRS. SMITH Ben=am n Frankl n wa# r .(!6 yo+ are more nervo+# !(an (e. MRS. MARTIN *(a! are !(e #even day# o, !(e week8 MR. SMITH Monday, '+e#day, *edne#day, '(+r#day, Fr day, 0a!+rday, 0+nday. D MR. MARTIN -dward # a clerk6 ( # # #!er Nancy # a !y" #!, and ( # $ro!(er * ll am a #(o"a## #!an!.D MRS. SMITH &n odd ,am lyB MRS. MARTIN 4 "re,er a $ rd n !(e $+#( !o a #"arrow n a $arrow. MR. SMITH 3a!(er a #!eak n a c(ale! !(an .r #!le n a ca#!le. MR. MARTIN &n -n.l #(man)# (ome # !r+ly ( # ca#!le.

MRS. SMITH 4 don)! know eno+.( 0"an #( !o make my#el, +nder#!ood. MRS. MARTIN 4)ll . ve yo+ my mo!(er- n-law)# #l ""er# , yo+)ll . ve me yo+r (+#$and)# co,, n. MR. SMITH 4)m look n. ,or a mono"(y# !e "r e#! !o marry !o o+r ma d. MR. MARTIN Bread # a #!a,,, w(erea# $read # al#o a #!a,,, and an oak #"r n.# ,rom an oak every morn n. a! dawn. MRS. SMITH My +ncle l ve# n !(e co+n!ry, $+! !(a!)# none o, !(e m dw ,e)# $+# ne##. MR. MARTIN 5a"er # ,or wr ! n., !(e ca!)# ,or !(e ra!. >(ee#e # ,or #cra!c( n.. MRS. SMITH '(e car .oe# very ,a#!, $+! !(e cook $ea!# $a!!er $e!!er. MR. SMITH %on)! $e !+rkey#6 ra!(er k ## !(e con#" ra!or. MR. MARTIN >(ar !y $e. n# a! (ome.D MRS. SMITH 4)m wa ! n. ,or !(e a7+ed+c! !o come and #ee me a! my w ndm ll. MR. MARTIN <ne can "rove !(a! #oc al "ro.re## # de, n !ely $e!!er w !( #+.ar. MR. SMITH 'o (ell w !( "ol #( n.B 1(ollowing this last speech of Mr. Smith, the KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK D 4n -n.l #( n !(e or . nal.--'ran#la!or)# no!e. -61Eothers are silent for a moment, stupefied. /e sense that there is a certain nervous irritation. The strokes of the clock are more nervous too. The speeches which follow must #e said, at first, in a glacial, hostile tone. The hostility and the nervousness increase. At the end of this scene, the four characters must #e standing very close to each other, screaming their speeches, raising their fists, ready to throw themselves upon each other.2 MR. MARTIN <ne doe#n)! "ol #( #"ec!acle# w !( $lack wa;. MRS. SMITH Ye#, $+! w !( money one can $+y any !( n.. MR. MARTIN 4)d ra!(er k ll a ra$$ ! !(an # n. n !(e .arden. MR. SMITH >ocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#, cocka!oo#. MRS. SMITH 0+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca, #+c( caca.

MR. MARTIN 0+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#, #+c( ca#cade# o, caca#. MR. SMITH %o.# (ave ,lea#, do.# (ave ,lea#. MRS. MARTIN >ac!+#, coccy;B croc+#B cockadedB cockroac(B MRS. SMITH 4nca#ker, yo+ nca#k +#. MR. MARTIN 4)d ra!(er lay an e.. n a $o; !(an .o and #!eal an o;. MRS. MARTIN 1opening her mouth very wide2 &(B o(B a(B o(B /e! me .na#( my !ee!(. MR. SMITH >rocod leB MR. MARTIN /e!)# .o and #la" Uly##e#. MR. SMITH 4)m .o n. !o l ve n my ca$ana amon. my cacao !ree#. MRS. MARTIN >acao !ree# on cacao ,arm# don)! $ear cocon+!#, !(ey y eld cocoaB >acao !ree# on cacao ,arm# don)! $ear cocon+!#, !(ey y eld cocoaB >acao !ree# on cacao ,arm# don)! $ear cocon+!#, !(ey y eld cocoa. MRS. SMITH M ce (ave l ce, l ce (aven)! m ce. MRS. MARTIN %on)! r+c(e my $rooc(B MR. MARTIN %on)! #mooc( !(e $rooc(B MR. SMITH Groom !(e .oo#e, don)! .oo#e !(e .room. MRS. MARTIN '(e .oo#e .room#. MRS. SMITH Groom yo+r !oo!(. MR. MARTIN Groom !(e $r de.room, .room !(e $r de.room. MR. SMITH 0ed+cer #ed+cedB MRS. MARTIN 0caramo+c(eB MRS. SMITH 0a n!e-N !o+c(eB MR. MARTIN Go !ake a do+c(e. MR. SMITH 4)ve $een .oo#ed. MRS. MARTIN 0a n!e-N !o+c(e #!oo"# !o my car!o+c(e.

MRS. SMITH L*(o)d #!oo" !o $lame8 . . . and 4 never c(oo#e !o #!oo".L MR. MARTIN 3o$er!B MR. SMITH Brown n.B MRS. MARTIN, MR. SMITH 3+dyard. MRS. SMITH, MR. MARTIN @ "l n.. MRS. MARTIN, MR. SMITH 3o$er! @ "l n.B MRS. SMITH, MR. MARTIN 3+dyard Brown n.. D MRS. MARTIN 0 lly .o$$le.o$$ler#, # lly .o$$le.o$$ler#. MR. MARTIN Mar e!!a, #"o! !(e "o!B MRS. SMITH @r #(nam+r! , @r #(nam+r! , @r #(nam+r! B MR. SMITH '(e "o"e elo"e#B '(e "o"e)# .o! no (oro#co"e. '(e (oro#co"e)# $e#"oke. MRS. MARTIN Ba?aar, Bal?ac, $a?ookaB MR. MARTIN B ?arre, $ea+;-ar!#, $ra## ere#B MR. SMITH &, e, , o, +, a, e, , o, +, a, e, , o, +, B MRS. MARTIN B, c, d, ,, ., l, m, n, ", r, #, !, v, w, ;, ?B MR. MARTIN From #a.e !o #!oo.e, ,rom #!a.e !o #er.eB MRS. SMITH 1imitating a train2 >(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(oo, c(ooB MR. SMITH 4!)#B MRS. MARTIN No!B MR. MARTIN '(a!B MRS. SMITH *ayB MME SMITH N)y !o+c(e? "a#, elle e#! $r #He. M. MARTIN 0+llyB M. SMITH 5r+d(ommeB MME MARTIN, M. SMITH FranOo #.

MME SMITH, M. MARTIN >o""He. MME MARTIN, M. SMITH >o""He 0+llyB MME SMITH, M. MARTIN 5r+d(omme FranOo #. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK D 'ran#la!or)# no!e: n !(e Frenc( !e;! !(e#e #"eec(e# read a# ,ollow#: -619MR. SMITH 4!)#B MRS. MARTIN <B MR. MARTIN JerB MRS. SMITH HereB 1All together, completely infuriated, screaming in each other!s ears. The light is e%tinguished.2 ALL TO!ETHER 1in the darkness, in increasingly rapid rhythm2 4!)# no! !(a! way, !)# over (ere, !)# no! !(a! way, !)# over (ere, !)# no! !(a! way, !)# over (ere, !)# no! !(a! way, !)# over (ereB D 1The words cease a#ruptly. Again, the lights come on. Mr. and Mrs. Martin are seated like the Smiths at the #eginning of the play. The play #egins again with the Martins, who say e%actly the same lines as the Smiths in the first scene, while the curtain softly falls.2 KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK D *(en "rod+ced #ome o, !(e #"eec(e# n !( # la#! #cene were c+! or #(+,,led. Moreover, !(e , nal $e. nn n. a.a n, , one can call ! !(a!, #! ll nvolved !(e 0m !(#, # nce !(e a+!(or d d no! (ave !(e n#" red dea o, #+$#! !+! n. !(e Mar! n# ,or !(e 0m !(# +n! l a,!er !(e (+ndred!( "er,ormance. -6I9-