Chapter One

When I was little and pondering various bowtie sweater combinations in bed at night, my older brother, Peter, dropped down from his top bunk and looked at me tiredly and said, Hey, Jude. This seemed like a reasonable thing to say to your own brother, considering his name is actually Jude, but he said it with such a confident smirk that I knew something was up even at five years old. My brother only smirked that sort of smirk when he was getting up to something- and usually, blaming it on me. Its not that I dont like the name, I do. It fits well, like a really nice pair of socks. The problem is, being named Jude has become basically the center of my life thus far. At my current, emotionally damaging age of seventeen, I admit it gets a little tiring when my friends walk down the hallways chorusing thisbut I cant complain because: 1. Its just a common saying. Theyre just saying hi to me, and I cant be mad about being politely acknowledged by my peers, even if complaining is like my favorite thing to do. 2. I love the Beatles.

McClendon Sad Songs Now, Im generally a very accepting person when it comes to other peoples opinions but Im thoroughly convinced that if someone were to dislike the Beatles, they had no actual soul, and my mission in life would be to get them to accept that they loved this band. This brings me to another point. At a very early age, I discovered that I was, in fact, an atheist. It wasnt really a discovery more than it was me lying in my bed one day and thinking well, when I die, I go to heaven right? Thats great, heaven must be like Disneyland! but then, those thoughts quickly turned into- wait. Thats not right. Thats not possible, nothing happens when you die. which led to the conclusion that the afterlife, or lack of it was all just a big black nothing. That heaven was the thing your parents told you because you just die, sorry sounded awful. I told my great grandmother this a few months later when we visited her in Illinois, to which she responded No, Jude, heaven is like Disneyland! with a very sad smile on her face. So, I just nodded and shut up because even at the age of five, I was pretty good that way. In conclusion, I make a lot of discoveries in my bed- cough, wink. Anyway, my supposed atheism, or as my mother referred to it: a phase, came back up when my great grandmother died. A long time after that, in fact. I hadnt really thought about believing in god before, or having a religion to call my own - it was just kind of sort of this thing that I went along with. Going along with things was very easy for me. The guilt of hurting someone as far as Im concerned was the worst pain in the world, so I just kept my mouth shut when I found the urge to say something if my friends were debating again. Not that any conflict would go down, with my high schools new no harassment policy, but still the guilt was the worst part.

McClendon Sad Songs In fact, Ive only told one person about my supposed atheism before, and it took a good seven years of friendship for that one. Of course, no one could complain about seven years with Caden Bryans. Maybe I appreciate him even more than the Beatles sometimes, which is a very difficult task to accomplish. Caden Bryans didnt look gay (necessarily) it was just that he was always smiling and his blue green gold confusing-as-hell-but-still-beautiful eyes were always bright and he was very fashionable- even with the uniform at Greenwood that had all the hormonal teenage boys looking like bumblebees. His voice was a bit higher than most boys voices, but I liked it. It was musical, soothing, gentle He was my best friend. It didnt matter what he looked or sounded like. And it was nice to have someone like him. Coming out in the twenty first century as gay was never a fun experience for anyone involved, and both of us had learned that the hard way. It was because of this that I got the feeling the school even started this whole anti-bullying thing. No one liked it. The boys who went to Greenwood were generally very nice. Dapper, charming schoolboys. It was an all-boys private school, where everyone wore the same clothes and had the same hormonal problems and smelled the same way- but just because of one little hit and my maybe defending Caden with a kitchen knife- now, we were here. Sure, it was a little extreme, but imagine for a second little innocent Jude Holloway with his bowties and his black Lego hair and his Katy Perry shaking and holding up a kitchen knife four feet away from a guy who was twice his size. Yes, even Caden laughed, though he was trying desperately not to. So Im still sticking with my theory that our anti-bullying thing is completely unnecessary. But then again, I could be wrong. If I thought about it hard and thought about Caden, I could be wrong.

McClendon Sad Songs This whole new process started with a class meeting at the end of school every single Friday. All the homerooms would gather together and watch videos from the Confession Camera- which was a camera set up in a useless room that students (didnt) go down and record their feelings with during their free periods- and just talk about how student life could get better. Needless to say, there werent Confessions very often. Sometimes, students would do it as a joke, but other than joking, no one would make themselves so vulnerable. I reported to my classroom at the end of school on the fifth Friday that this new policy was intact, and was surprised to see the full class there. I didnt expect anyone to come but somehow I got the feeling that they would be tracked down if they didnt. The desks were already set up in a big circle, and as soon as I came into the classroom with a little hidden groan, Caden snapped his fingers and pointed to the seat beside him- his face blank as it always was during these meetings. He made a sort of come hither motion, smirking. I, of course, went to go sit beside him and put all of my stuff down on the desk, holding his hand under the table. We were not together. We werent in love, but I cared a great deal about Caden, so almost instinctively by this point, I took his hand and squeezed it real hard. Sometimes it was just enough to know the other person was there, and from the moment I met him, I knew that Caden was in a dark place. A small smile tugged at the corners of Cadens lips and he brushed a strand of chestnut hair out of his eyes, squeezing my hand right back. This one ought to be good. Thought I saw Chris Hanover going into the Confessions room. He whispered with a light laugh, to which I had to smile as well. It was pretty hard not to smile when Caden Bryans laughed.

McClendon Sad Songs Probably another joke, I said with a warning sigh, wandering if it would ever get old to confess falsely. It made Caden wince every time, because he knew- he knew no one in this school really knew how he felt, how hard it was for him to get along every waking moment. No matter how clich it is, there is one point in every humans life, mostly in the teenage years that they utter the infamous words, no one understands me. I had steered clear of these words subconsciously for a very long time because it sounded plain out stupid when I was a kid and I didnt get it. For me, I was talking to my mother when I went back home on Holiday Break. It seemed at that point as though my week wasnt complete without at least three mental breakdowns, as I had just come out to a few of my best friends and of it spread around the school like butter on bread. I remember she took my hand and held it and said, Jude, stop being so sensitive and you wont get hurt. To which I responded, It isnt that easy! You dont understand! No one understands! And upon realizing what I had said, I more or less just groaned in disappointment and left. Seventeen years of avoiding that phrase. I didnt know how many times those words had left Cadens throat, but I knew Caden wasnt one to appreciate clichs, so it probably hadnt happened yet. The boy with the chestnut hair beside me whispered a, I guess so. It would just be nice for once to have someone who had actual feelings and wanted to share them. It didnt even take five second until we both broke out into little mutual giggles. Because no, no it wouldnt be nice. With that, the meeting began.

McClendon Sad Songs Mr. Crawford, a muscular man who always wore the same green t-shirt and often made light of these meetings, sat in the middle of the circle and sighed, looking around at all of the students who were also just clearly waiting for this meeting to be over. At this point, no one really understood how he managed to become a teacher, but no one complained either. Alright, guys. He started with a half groan, half sigh, Yay sharing feelings! It was almost funny (If it werent so sad) how hard he was trying to sound enthusiastic, though it had proved an impossible task when the time came. The boys all echoed his yay in less desperately enthusiastic tones and chuckled around the room, making Caden roll his eyes. I squeezed his hand tighter as the conversation went on and Mr. Crawford turned on the projector to play on the whiteboard the video that had been sent out to all of the teachers from the principal- from the Confessions Cam. There were three videos this week, probably two out of three of them jokes and the other one some emo kid who refused to show his face. The first video played, and as expected it was Chris Hanover with a stupid grin on his face as he stood tall and proud in front of the camera and said, Jude knocked my books out of my hands today. He said, trying to make it sound like his voice was breaking with tears, Hes just hes such a bully, I never did anything to him! He whined, hiding his face in his hands. I felt Caden jerk up out of his seat, but before he could do anything I put my hand on his shoulder again to keep him right there. We both knew that nothing good could come from that, anyway. Just another stupid mocking joke. Chris pouted as he turned and made eye contact with me, and I simply shook my head and shut my mouth. The next video was from the elderly music teacher who confessed a relation with bullying a long time ago, and mentioned that she was telling the story just to get it out of her hair. Teachers did this every

McClendon Sad Songs once in a while when there werent any confessions from students to try to encourage them. She told about her junior year in high school being pushed and teased unfairly by her schools jocks because she was always the smallest girl in her class. Of course, when teachers shared confessions, it almost always provoked students to tease them about it. The last video was just a three second clip of the music teacher trying to figure out how to work the camera, so clearly nothing important. Mr. Crawford stopped the video and sat in the center of the room, looking to Chris and then looking at me with a heavy sigh. Well, that was interesting Any comments, Jude? He asked with a small chuckle, and looked at me again. I shook my head, of course, but Caden, his eyes trained in a death-promising, cold, hateful glare at Chris, spoke up. I have a comment. Its bullsh- Caden, please. Mr. Crawford laughed his strong laugh, patting the boy on the shoulder and going to go sit in the center of the room again. That was very moving, Chris. He mumbled in sarcasm. I rolled my eyes in perfect time with Cadens. We went through the standard fifteen minute period of Mr. Crawford waiting for someone to say something. Maybe an instance of bullying they had seen before, or maybe a way that they could stop bullying in the school. Nothing at all. Not one buzz from the bumblebees. When Mr. Crawford was done waiting, he announced the motto for the schools anti-bullying program, and everyone in the circle held hands as they simultaneously shouted in a monotone, Stand up and speak out! the teachers were taking this motto thing so seriously, I was utterly convinced at one point they were going to tack it onto the end of the Pledge of Allegiance. The students all practically sprinted out of the class room after the chant to get back to their dorms and eat food or something like that, but I only stayed behind with Caden and waited for him to be ready to 7

McClendon Sad Songs come along. Its not fair, He said, gathering up his books and slinging his bag across his shoulder with a quiet sigh, That they can treat you like that and it doesnt pass as bullying. And I agreed with him, I always did, but I kept my mouth shut as not to make him any more upset than he already was. He, instinctively, took my hand first. And I laced our fingers together. And we went back to the dorms. We had been roommates ever since our freshman year at Greenwood. It was nice that way, and it was the only time I felt actually happy all day. We would do stupid little silly things, like steal each others pillows at night, and hate-watch T.V. shows until we fell asleep with giant bowls of popcorn, and every once in a while when Caden was feeling especially lonely and especially adventurous, he would crawl onto the edge of my bed and fall asleep there, saying nothing. Of course, there was that time when a bunch of the Greenwood guys decided that it wasnt okay for the two gays in this school to dorm together, even if they were best friends. They had a petition going around the school that they would give to the principal. In the end, it had about seventy two signatures on it, but in the end, Caden threw it in the fire and a couple of the guys who made the petition may or may not have woken up with green hair that morning. Anyway, we got back to the dorms and I put Cadens pillow on my bed and put mine on his and switched on the TV to Toddlers and Tiaras because I knew that it was exactly what he wanted, even if he refused to say I want to hate-watch a TV show about spoiled children and their borderline-abusive mothers.

McClendon Sad Songs I watched from my place curled up under the covers as he turned the TV off and took his bright yellow blazer off with a certain resignation, heading over to sit next to me, Lets just talk tonight. He whispered, and I only nodded. There were times that we did silly things. But there were also very serious moments. Sometimes, I would come home from a long day and find Caden laying there-his bed, my pillow- just weeping there, only weeping and staring at the poorly painted white ceiling. Or he would be sitting at his desk, doing homework and I would slide my hands slowly down his arms and let him breathe with me for a while. There were times that Caden would completely shut down, his eyes lost and tired, his voice weak. These were coincidentally the times that I would get terrified. Because if I werent there, those would be the times that Caden started hurting himself again, and I couldnt allow that to happen. People could call it gay, the things I would do for him, and the lengths I would go to just to make him happier, but it didnt matter. I was trying to get him to stay alive for me, just for another day, and it didnt matter what anyone else thought of that. So, naturally when Caden asked me just to talk, I nodded. I smiled at him, giving him my best, charming smile and tugged him closer, Okay. I whispered. Lets just talk.

McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Two

It was a pretty long night of talking. I ended up staying up with Caden most of the night, laying and
talking and pretending to forget to remind him that he was going to fall asleep soon. We talked until midnight, which happened on very rare occasion considering Caden always wanted to look well-rested in the morning for school. However, it had been a Friday, so I was treated rather nicely. Because, who could complain about two extra hours with Caden Bryans? I was the first to wake up, looking in front of me to see the shorter boy all wrapped up in my arms, his eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted slightly, a faint pink flush on his cheeks. I honestly had no idea what Caden was talking about; he looked beautiful no matter how many hours he slept. In the absence of the desire for him to find me watching him sleep, and the absence of the desire to talk about how we ended up cuddling, I awkwardly untangled myself from the other boy and stood up to go get dressed for the weekend, glad that my bumblebee uniform could be put away.

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McClendon Sad Songs The Greenwood uniforms consisted of a black and bright yellow striped tie, a white button up with a black blazer and yellow piping- or the other way around, in which case you were either a female teacher or Caden- and a pair of black pants with black loafers. It was less than desirable, but of course, the Harry Potter fan club was always there to supply the ever-appreciated, its not bumblebee, its Hufflepuff!. To which they would get from Caden, its not delivery, its Digiorno. And from me, maybe its Maybelline. And we thought that was the funniest thing in the world, but, needless to say, the Harry Potter fan club was not amused. Anyway, I got dressed up in jeans and a t-shirt and tried my hardest to pretend that I looked socially acceptable, combing my curls back and breathing out a sigh of relief as Caden stirred awake his own self, stretching and groaning and trying to get back to sleep for about thirty seconds. He always did this, but the attempts never worked. I glanced over to Caden, who was now sitting on the edge of his bed as I tossed him a box of Cheerios and continued to find my hair gel. No matter how many people told me that my curls were fine without it, there was no way I would manage half a day without my gel. Simply unintelligent. Can you tell me why I feel so odd today? I asked, sorting through my books to see if I had left anything in class the previous day. Caden snorted in response, followed by that little laugh, sleep heavy on his tone. Maybe because its five minutes past eight and you havent dumped a bucket of gel on your head yet. He teased, in that sarcastic way that made me roll my eyes- albeit fondly. Hush.

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McClendon Sad Songs It was a strange feeling. I had woken up to it, a little melty, fluttering warmth followed by this huge spark of confusion. It didnt feel bad necessarily- for a strange sensation, it was actually a nice one to wake up to- it was just new, and I dont like change. Like, when YouTube changed their website layout, I freaked out for like a month because nothing looked like it was supposed to look and by the time I adjusted to that layout there was a new new layout! I shook my head as I walked to the kitchen after Caden, pouring a bit of milk in the bowl followed by the blandest cereal we had just so I could complain about how bland it was. Complaining was my favorite thing to do- as long as it didnt involve conflict, Oh, cmon, you know what I mean. I started with a sigh, You know how Tony felt the day before he met Maria? I feel like that. Somethings gonna happen, I can feel it. So like an impromptu seventies powerhouse fightdance? No, no, much more than that. Caden huffed in false disappointment and threw a Cheerio at my head, laughing as it got stuck in my curls and taking it out with another little teasing giggle, Alright, alright, Tony, its gel time. He whispered, handing back the big bottle of gel from inside one of the kitchen cabinets where he had probably hidden it the night before. I did a little dance as I grabbed the bottle of gel from Caden and proceeded to dump half of it on my hair until it was nice and shiny, smoothed over, no trace of a single curl left to make fun of. Caden seemed constantly amazed by the whole process, sitting on the kitchen counter passively and eating his Cheerios. He looked around the room as I finished, putting the gel on the bathroom counter and quickly returning to the kitchen where I finished my bland, soggy cereal. 12

McClendon Sad Songs I think Ill stay here today. Caden whispered softly, having sunk into his regular depression as their mutual teasing came to an end. He had been doing this a lot, resigning himself to a life living in this dormitory alone, and I for one, didnt understand why. He just got into this, slowly hated himself for it. He just sat all day and stared at the ceiling and wandered why he was still alive and I had to wander if he would be when I came back, but I had to give him his space, too. Please dont- Blaise. He said quickly, as if it was a suitable explanation, Blaise needs you today. Our friend down the hall- his name was Blaise Luehrman. He always needed somebody, of course, he was there was something different about him, something special. It was the one topic that people at Greenwood were actually sensitive about. Nobody talked about it. Everyone got scared when it was time for Blaise to check up on his special thing. Not all special things are good. As Caden brought him up, I just nodded, figuring that it would be a wise move to go and check up on him. God knows no one else ever did. And I didnt like arguing with Caden, so I agreed. Okay. I whispered, Dont let me stop your self destruction. After this addition, I slipped my jacket on over my pajamas and walking out of the dormitory, making my way across the hall. I knew very well that the words would leave Caden with something to think about, they always did. Though I didnt feel bad about it. Sometimes the boy needed a reality check. I thought about Blaise as I made my way toward his dormitory. Blaise and Caden were a lot alike, except for Blaises special thing. He was younger. He was only a freshman, only fifteen years old and everyone was looking out for him, caring for him when he chose to leave his dorm- which was not very often.

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McClendon Sad Songs He had dark brown hair that was amusingly unkempt, often scraggly and all over the place. He had green eyes, and they werent anything special necessarily. They were dark, and they had been for years. Emotionless, losing, his eyes were possibly the most depressing things in all of Indianapolis. I arrived at dorm number 121, and breathed out a quiet sigh, knocking on the door once or twice or insistently until the boy groaned from inside and went to go get the door. I grinned as he opened the door just a cracked and looked at me, his eyes squinted slightly, Hey, buddy. He grinned as well, looking up to me and chuckling, I told you not to call me that. And I took that as an invitation to go inside, slipping past him and closing the door behind us, sitting and bouncing on his bed, So, how are you? I asked between bounces, Blaise drawing closer from his place standing in the doorway and sitting politely on the edge of the bed. I mean you havent come out of your hiding spot for a week now. I have cancer, Jude, how do you think Im feeling? Blaise reminded with a sigh. He didnt say that very often, of course, he only said it in front of doctors or if he had met someone who he ended up getting along with very well and had to explain it to. It was referred to as his special thing. Like, when kids in school are slow, and people call them special. Its that kind of sarcastic, mocking crap- as Blaise called it. Mortal? I guessed, stopping my obsessing bouncing to sit next to him on the edge of his bed, resting my head on his shoulder to offer him some comfort. Disgustingly mortal. Oh.

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McClendon Sad Songs The silence came back right then, filling the room and demanding to be broken. I crawled hesitantly away from Blaise to go look at the big note on his desk that read checkup at three on SundayDecember 16th, upon realizing that this was an appointment, and therefore, none of my business, I just busied myself with giving him the spare homeworks that Caden and I had collected over the week for him, setting them on the desk on top of the notes. You dont have to pretend its not there, you know. Blaise said with a chuckle, his voice smooth as it rang through the room, somehow sad. He had a lot of experience with pretending things werent there, I know you read it. I dont mind. I nodded in response, offering him a half-smile that only went so far. If Caden was there, he would probably be able to make the boy laugh once or twice, but I know I couldnt do it. I couldnt make a depressive dying boy laugh by myself. Blaise came over to the side of the desk, sitting on it and looking over the homeworks with a groan. I consider at times using Im dying bitterly as an excuse to get around everything, but then I think eh probably shouldnt. He whispered, making me smile a little as well. I had always liked his sort of rude, sarcastic humor. I figured to get off of the topic as quick as I could. After all, Blaise Luehrman was not one to be defined by his pancreatic cancer. Or at least, I hoped that he wasnt, because just spending three minutes around him made me want to cry. It was a while of me trying to find something in his room to change the subject with when he said, with a small smile, Id love it if you and Caden could come with me to the office.

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McClendon Sad Songs I nodded again, quickly, eagerly, Yes. I mean- of course well be there, if you need the support. And upon realizing how much of a fool I had made myself, I only sat down again and nodded more because it seemed with this boy in front of me that was all I could do. Caden- Wasnt feeling like himself, I know. Blaise said, with another sigh, like Caden had used this excuse so many times before. Blaise knew it was because Caden didnt want to watch someone die- like he would be tempted if he did. But I knew that Caden was much smarter than that, no matter what he saw. Mm! Lets watch some Toddlers and Tiaras; I missed the last hate-watch session. And that was all it took to change the subject. I wouldve groaned if I werent so happy that Blaise had done it for me. It was halfway through our hate-watch marathon that Blaise had plain out fallen asleep on his bed again, a little smile on his lips. It was one of the more comical episodes, with the little brunette girl and her thick accent screaming about having to get her eyebrows waxed. I looked down at him and I smiled, too, noticing how his already messy hair had managed to get even messier. I scribbled down on a sticky note in messy cursive had fun - smiley face- Caden and I will see you before three tomorrow. Promise. This appointment is gonna be totally awesome. ~ Jude. And, with that, left to go ruin Cadens self-destruction once again. The smiley face was necessary. I knocked on the door to our dormitory three times before just sighing and opening it myself, walking straight to where I found Caden laying- his bed, my pillow, as it always had been. There was something different about him, though, something strange, something wonderful. He was smiling.

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McClendon Sad Songs And in turn, I smiled as I sat in front of him and cocked my head to the side- therefore mastering the puppy look as I whispered, Who are you and what on earth did you do with Caden Bryans? With this, I earned a giggle from the younger boy and crawled closer to him. I havent done anything with him. It just so happens that he realized something. Caden shrugged, moving to kneel on the bed as he was finished with his moping, his hands returning to attempt to tame already loosening curls for the third time in the day. May I ask what this something is? It is for him to know and for you to be desperate to know. How much longer does it require you to speak in third person? I got a pillow thrown at me for that one, which I completely deserved. However, I gladly returned the hit, taking my own pillow off of Cadens bed and hitting it against his chest. And, after that, he returned with a blow to my stomach and so on The thing about our pillow fights, were that they were more like pillow wars. It would start out innocent enough; I would make a snarky comment, he would hit me, I would get him back, etc. But, before I even knew it, Caden had a barricade up and so did I and we were throwing pillows at each other through endless choruses of Do You Hear the People Sing. It was always a good day when Caden had a reason to smile, and I remembered every time to make the most of it. Those days had become rare, after all. I kept them safe with me. I threw a pillow at him, watching as he dodged it and accidentally messed up his pillow barricade, whimpering cutely, What did you do with Blaise? He asked in a sort of shout, as I continued to throw pillows and he continued to talentedly dodge them, You were certainly over there for a while.

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McClendon Sad Songs You couldve come over any time. I reminded with a chuckle, taking a pillow that he had thrown at me and throwing it back, successfully hitting his back, We talked about him. Watched some T&T. Yknow, the regular. Caden laughed at this, rolling his eyes. He wants us to come with him to the docs office tomorrow. I added quickly, with the same small, sad smile that I had worn when the younger boy had asked me to accompany him the first time- that was all he was. He was only a boy. I caught the pillow that I was about to throw, taking advantage of the tender moment. Caden nodded, pausing in his pillow-fighting for a moment or two to smile that sweet smile again. He gave me a faint nod, Ill be there. It would be an honor. And I nodded back to him. We were kind of having a moment, but moments like that were made to be broken, so naturally I just took the perfect opportunity to nail him right in the face with my last pillow. Hey! He squeaked, laughing lightly as he threw the same one back at me and aimed talentedly right where it counted, hitting exactly there. I froze my pillow-fighting once again, chuckling in challenge and shaking my head at Caden, Oh-ho, no, Caden Everett Bryans, those are off limits! I shouted back at him, to which the smaller boy so smugly responded, whatcha gonna do about it, babe? I clenched my fists in the fabric of the pillow that my roommate had just thrown at me, giving Caden a playful warning look, Throw one more of those, and Fluffy here gets it. I chuckled. Caden faked a gasp, overdramatically clapping his hand over his chest and clutching his heart, letting out a strangled sob, You would never! You wouldnt dare! He shouted as he threw two more pillows at me, which were right on target, hitting my face and then my stomach.

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McClendon Sad Songs I tore a hole in the pillow and then threw it at him, the feathers flying all over the floor. Both of us were giggling, of course, but I was sure that I would get it later for the mess. Life had few certainties. I never knew if there would be oxygen or sunlight when I woke up in the morning, I never knew how I would die, or who would die around me. I couldnt predict the weather exactly, I couldnt be sure that my mother would still love me when I called her next. But whether I took comfort in this certainty or not, it was certain that Caden was not cleaning up my mess. You killed him! You bastard! Why I ought to- I was the one to surrender this time, after a good hour and a half of pillow war and Les Mis songs, dropping back on my fluffy barricade with a tired sigh. Upon realizing my defeat, Caden stopped and giggled, crawling over to me, Vive la United Cadendom! He whisper-shouted, brushing my hair back again. Hey, this is not over. I warned, laughing as well. Caden just hummed in a mocking sort of agreement as he curled up closer to me, his head on my chest, his ear pressed over my slowing heartbeat, Whatever you say, Jude. He whispered, Whatever you say.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Three

I thought for a long time about Blaise, about our conversations the night before and how it would feel
to be there at the doctors office with him, how much trust it took just to invite us there with him. I wandered if he knew something I didnt know about Caden or about myself, or if he saw us as sort of guardians. He had good relationships with his parents after all, he just didnt know how to break their hearts and spare them the pain. He told me how often he thought about his death, about his funeral. He thought about who would weep for him and who would refuse to go and who would forget about him after a week and who would remember him forever. It was this sort of thinking that got me to wander whether or not the young boy, who had seemed an expert on his own inevitable death, had just as many questions as I had about him. It was this sort of thinking that led me to Cadens bed in the middle of the night, taking his hand and not saying a word. It was this that kept me awake all night despite that. It wasnt until morning that I mustered the courage to pretend that I understood at all, crawling away to begin the Ceremony of the Hair Gel and get dressed in my casual attire before we had to go. We were

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McClendon Sad Songs meeting him at two in the afternoon, of course, but I couldnt help but feel strangely desperate to impress the freshman. Caden woke up the usual half an hour after I did, and looked down at the exploded pillow on the ground, the feathers scattered all around the carpeted floor. Im not cleaning that up, He reminded, breathless and lazy as he crawled to the kitchen for breakfast. I just smiled, I know. Everything seemed softer that morning, tenderer, warmer than the previous day. I wandered if Caden was just as scared and hesitant as I was about this whole thing, wandering whether or not we would be good for Blaise at all. By the time two oclock rolled around, we were both ready: Hair done well, room cleaned up. We even contemplated wearing suits before deciding that we couldnt look that much like we were going to a funeral. I looked over to Caden, who was sat down at his desk, with a little smile, taking his hand. Ready? And I could see the gears in the younger boys mind turning, like he was thinking that no- no, he wasnt ready, and that he would never be ready but maybe if he squinted one eye and looked upside down and tried real hard to make it seem like the cancerous boy was smiling, maybe then he would be a fraction of the word ready. But then, Caden just nodded, Yeah I guess. I nodded along with him, and tugged him out of the dormitory and over to our friends, knocking softly on the door and squeezing Cadens hand real tight, sucking in a shaky breath and closing my eyes for a nervous, frightened moment. It became evident that both of us knew why we were so nervous- it was 21

McClendon Sad Songs simply because the chance that Blaise was going to walk back out from the office into the waiting area sobbing was far higher than the chance that he wasnt. But no one in the school was willing to say it out loud, much less us; much less young, foolish, bowtiehair-gel-decorated-junior Jude Holloway and his not-necessarily- gay-looking friend. I picked myself up as Blaise answered the door, wearing a hoodie and some loose fitting jeans. I saw Caden laugh lightly as he saw Blaises attire and then looked down at his own- because it probably took him an hour to get into his own jeans alone, much less the layers of cardigans and shirts and whatever other accessories. Ready, kiddo? I nudged Blaise, smirking as his expression softened slightly and he nodded. He told me that his dad used to call him that, and I just shut up again. Caden apologized about seventy thousand times for not being there the day before as the three of us made our way toward my car. Blaise just kept saying its okay or I understand or some variation of that every single time, almost instinctively by the time we reached the Greenwood parking lot. I slipped into the drivers seat of my Prius, Blaise sitting in the passengers seat and Caden stretched across the back lazily. I rolled my eyes as he assumed that position and gave up on trying to get a seatbelt around himself, mumbling with a little sarcastic laugh, If we get in a crash, you die first. And If I die first, then you will have to live in a world without me, and it wouldnt even be six minutes on your little schoolboy watch until you gave up and begged for death yourself. He said right back, humming smugly as he sat up and crossed his legs. He was only joking.

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McClendon Sad Songs For all the seven years that Ive known him, never once had Caden ever dreamed of thinking so highly about himself, despite the fact that I did, at one point, believe that he was actually a Disney prince. I smiled to myself as I thought his words over in my head. Even if Caden hadnt meant it at all, it was the complete and utter truth. I would follow him anywhere. Well, that escalated quickly. Blaise said, laughing in between his words and successfully shattering the silence, Caden and I laughing in a strange harmony with the younger boy. Yes, yes it did. We were dramatic like that a lot. I liked to think we were the most over-the-top drama queens in all of Indianapolis, because if we werent then the world was probably doomed as before we would die off it would go over capacity on fabulousness. The world couldnt handle our sass. There was a moment that I remembered from freshman year, back when I first started playing the drums for the schools band. I was terrified of Greenwood, seeing as I really only knew one boy there well, but the teachers and the seniors and juniors were determined to make all of us comfortable. Mr. Blanchard was the band teacher, and he was most determined to get me out of my shell in high school. Most of the time, I would sit in the back during classes and watch the clock as I took absentminded notes and wished that my very few friends were right there beside me. Of course, this all began to change when his plan went into effect. We had talked shortly about me being a theatre kid once, and he asked me how quickly I could slip into character, if I could improvise when I was put on the spot. And to the second question well, it was a very poor decision saying yes- but it was one that changed my outlook on the scary scary students there with me, so maybe it had been for the better.

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McClendon Sad Songs He went into my choir class one day, just plain out shown up, with an angry look on his face and yelled, MR. HOLLOWAY! to which I quickly stood up, threw my arms out and responded, MR. BLANCHARD! after all, I had a subtle feeling that I knew exactly what he was doing. The students around me watched, giggling like girls and clapping. It went a little like this: Him: MR. HOLLOWAY! Me: MR. BLANCHARD! Him: HOW WAS YOUR DAY TODAY? Me: MINE WAS FANTASTIC BUT I SEEM TO BE COMING DOWN WITH A SERIOUS CASE OF THE SNIFFLES! Him: THATS TOO BAD! GET BETTER SOON! Me: THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN! HOW WAS YOUR DAY? Him: MINE IS FULL OF SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A JOY TO BE AROUND. Me: THATS VERY SWEET OF YOU. Him: I LOVE YOU Me: I LOVE YOU TOO So after that little act, it was safe to say as I sat down the class had been laughing for a good five minutes or so. I wasnt really sure what had set them off, but I ended up laughing to myself as well, people patting me on the shoulder and the choir director unable to stop her giggling before she went to go yell at Mr. Blanchard for his joke. Caden had done nothing in particular to deserve his drama queendom It was just in general he was fantastically fabulous. 24

McClendon Sad Songs Caden, Blaise and I arrived to the doctors office after the short car ride, and of the three of us, Blaise was probably the most rational, least nervous one there. I headed up with Caden slowly, patting Blaise on the shoulder all the while and smiling my signature smile. Its going to be alright, kid, you know that. I whispered. In my head it sounded soothing, and I simply couldnt help the pet name. He was a boy. He was a kid. He didnt belong here. None of us know that. Blaise corrected with a frightened sort of laugh, however leaning into Cadens small embrace. The nervousness in him resurfaced as we walked into the waiting area. It was as if the simple thought of the room had tortured him. The strangely clean smell, the old magazines, the children with their annoyed parents who had been waiting here for a half an hour just for a simple check-up as soon as it surrounded us, Blaise had tears in his eyes, and his hands had started shaking, his palms sweating. I walked up with Caden, on either side of the fifteen year old boy, to check in with the woman who stood behind the counter. Blaise informed me that it had been a new woman- different from the one that had been behind the counter last time he came here. She smiled sweetly at the three of them, handing Blaise his paperwork and a clipboard with a pen on a chain dangling off the side. You must be Blaises parents, yes? Thats odd, it says here that theres a missus in the pic- Oh! No. Caden reassured with a little giggle, clapping his hands over his mouth, No, no, no, were just his friends his parents couldnt make it. He explained to the woman, before gasping slightly and turning to me, his eyes a bit wider than they were before, Jude, do I really look that old?

25

McClendon Sad Songs I patted Cadens shoulder and quirked an eyebrow at him, shaking my head, No. Sweetie, you- no. I sighed, Blaise grinning before he tugged Caden and I away to the waiting area. I swore that grin didnt leave his face for at least five minutes. As soon as it wore away, though, his hands were shaking again, and his face was pale. His breathing was hitched and his eyes were filled with tears. Both hands became occupied- one in Cadens hand, one in mine as we sat on opposite sides of him. As Mr. Blanchard had been for me, the moment that Blaise came to Greenwood, I had been trying for him. I had been trying to be a better person, to bring him out of his shell and give him a hand to hold and a number to call when he was feeling down or frightened. I was trying to give him reasons to keep holding on. I was there for him, and so was Caden. There was something Blaises doctor always told him; a motto that he could repeat in his sleep. Everythings going to be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end. Blaise didnt care for this motto much, of course. He didnt believe it because he was the one who was there, who was dying and- his doctor didnt understand him. Nobody understood him. This brings me back to the infamous words. The ones that are never true, have never been true, never will be true for anyone in Greenwood, or Indianapolis, or Indiana, or America, or North America, or the world, or the universe. Someone out there, someone right where he was not looking understood him. There was someone who understood me, too, someone who understood Caden for all that he was. Even if he would be gone, there was someone there who got it.

26

McClendon Sad Songs A few annoyed parents sitting in the waiting room had been called before we did, and Caden clapped quietly for each of them every time, making Blaise laugh with little effort. I smiled too, glad that Blaise was laughing at all, if only a little. When we got called, it was nearly twenty minutes past Blaises appointment time. Blaise was asleep by this time, leaning on Cadens shoulder and whimpering now and then from the dream that was probably in that young boys head. I stood up first, and shook his shoulder gently to wake him up, and Caden got up after Blaise had. It was quite the process, but eventually we got to the office that we were told to go to, where Dr. Knightley would be waiting. Blaise had told me that he was a kind, gentle old man. Like that kind of old man whos eyes were unreadable, indescribable wise full of history, and pain, full of love. He was that kind of man that I would describe at any point in my life as, very Dumbledore and Caden would just roll his eyes again and glare at me but it would be worth it. Caden-glares were my least favorite Caden things. I didnt like when he glared at me at all. There were a lot of Caden-things that I really liked. Like, for example, my favorite one was that little crinkle in his eyes when he woke up, and he hadnt really adjusted to the sunlight yet. His skin would get all glowy, and when his eyes finally opened his smile would just get real big and real silly and he would whisper a hello to me because there would be that one second when he couldnt process anything but the word and apparently, my face. When we arrived at Dr. Knightleys room, Blaise came in with a smile, only to see the old man sitting there at his desk, his hands shaking as he scribbled out on some papers.

27

McClendon Sad Songs He refused to look at Blaise as he sat down on the bed behind him. There was a while of sitting there, waiting for the doctor to say something. There was a little light in Blaises eyes that clearly told me that he had been close with the man before, like the relationship of doctor and patient was given a new meaning for the two, Dr. Knightley. I started with a smile, Blaise said you had some sort of results, if you will, said it was a very important appointment- Five. The old man croaked. I knit my eyebrows in confusion, and then contemplated how disconcertedly often we had done this in the past couple hours. Blaise tried to smile at the old man, though I could see the sadness legibly etching into his features. Years? Blaise asked, looking to the man with eyes full of innocence, full of hope. There was a gasp from Caden as he realized first what exactly they had been brought here for. He slid off of the bed, standing up behind the old man and placing a hand delicately on his shoulder, I have five years to live? He repeated, his tone somewhat brighter as Dr. Knightley had not denied in the first time he asked. There were a few minutes of silence, fear in its purest form and then, the doctor shook his head, Months. He said. And slowly, the innocent hope died down in Blaises face. It was awful to watch it unfold. I hadnt known this was what this meeting was for, I didnt know that I didnt know that he was going to die. Not right now, at least, I hadnt known that was a certainty. I took Blaises hand, and then Cadens hand as tears sprung to the boys eyes.

28

McClendon Sad Songs Blaise was honestly taking it better than Caden at this point. It was a while of sitting there in the silence. The old man hadnt turned around. He had seemed childish at this point, and I wanted to laugh at the fact that he called himself a doctor but there was a part of me that understood. I wouldnt want to look at Blaise either, sweet innocent Blaise who had never done anything to deserve this. Blaise was not sobbing. Tears rolled down his cheeks quickly, silently, his hands shaking as one sat in his lap and one held mine with every little bit of strength left in his losing eyes, Im sorry. Dr. Knightley whispered. Blaise just nodded, and stood up, and left the room. Caden was still in shock, his hand clapped over his mouth, his face pale, his body weak. I quickly helped him up and placed my arms around him as we walked after Blaise, leaving the old man in his office for the rest of the appointment- which was supposed to have lasted a couple hours. Why didnt he tell us? Caden asked, shaking with sobs as he stopped in his track in the waiting area. He couldve told us that he had terminal cancer, Jude, he couldve told us that we were bringing him here so a man that wont even look at him could tell him that he had less than a half a year on this planet, dont you think he owes us that much? The younger boy rambled, nearly incoherent. I dont think he owes us anything. I whispered to Caden, choosing my words carefully, I think hes frightened and he really needs someone to hold his hands. With that, I took my best friend out to the car with a sigh, watching as Blaise was curled up, sobbing in the back seat. So, I slid in the drivers seat, and Caden sat in the passengers seat and tried to convince himself that everything was okay. The drive back to Greenwood was silent.

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McClendon Sad Songs

We were all collected in the dormitory after the visit, Caden and Blaise and I. I made giant bowls of microwave popcorn and sat the boys in front of the television, bringing the bowls out when they were ready. Caden was cuddled up to Blaise cutely, clearly trying to make him laugh. He had a display of old pictures of me from when I was in middle school. Hey! I protested as I flicked a piece of microwave popcorn at Caden, hitting just under his eye. Caden squeaked and used Blaise as a cover for anymore popcorn coming his way, although quickly moving to show the younger boy a picture of me with braces and big Harry Potter glasses and jeans that didnt quite fit right- and hair before the gel-dictatorship. I gave in with a sigh of resignation and sat between the two boys, chuckling a little bit to myself. They were pretty funny.

At the end of the night, Blaise had gone back to his own dormitory to call his parents and his friend and maybe get his dog on the phone after a long time of explaining to his little sister that he was going to be alright- even if that wasnt quite true. Caden nodded in understanding when he said this, and the silence fell upon all of us again.

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McClendon Sad Songs The harsh reality of the freshman who was beginning to seem only a ghost floating madly down the halls hit sharper than ever, stabbed ceaselessly. It was only a moment that took all of the built up contention away without any warning. We had talked all day since the appointment. We had talked about how things changed. We talked about things we didnt quite understand. We talked about old photos, about how everyone in those photos were different people and how strange it was for them to be captured right there as if a part of them still lived in that moment. We talked about how everyone we knew would die one day; no matter how sad we were about it- nothing would change that. We talked about how immortality would, for lack of a better word Suck. We talked about the possibility that death could be a transition rather than an end. But then we just laughed. And when Blaise was gone, suddenly it was just Caden and I left with nothing else to say.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Four

A week later. It seemed that Caden and I had slept through all of Holiday break. We slept and prayed for snow and then slept and ate and slept a little more. It wasnt that Caden hated his family- and I didnt resent mine either- it was just the fact that spending Christmas with the few Greenwood boys who we got a long with seemed entirely like the better option. In a few words of explanation coming out in the twenty-first century as gay sometimes parents dont like that. And they werent even mad about it necessarily, they just didnt like it, and considering how many fights I got in with my parents during a simple game of Monopoly, I didnt think spending an entire week with them would fill me with the Christmas spirit.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden wasnt going anywhere as long as I was staying at Greenwood for Christmas, no matter how I protested, so his parents had just come to visit a couple times and everyone was perfectly satisfied. Blaise went home for the holidays. Cadens parents werent awful. They often said they were fond of me, anyway. Mrs. Bryans was a very tall, lanky woman, with long chestnut hair much like my roommates hair. She had a funny little voice. It seemed no matter how loud she talked; her voice always came out soft and obnoxiously high-pitched. Jack was a big, burly man who I was, quite honestly, terrified of. I couldnt see the resemblance to Caden. But that was probably because I was too afraid to get any closer than three feet from the guy. On Christmas I sat in the dorm with Caden and his parents. It was amusing how different Greenwood Christmases were from regular Christmases. Like, no one was willing to go down to the freezing common room so in excuse for a piano, Caden tried to pull up a piano app on his smartphone- needless to say, the carols were odd- There was no tree, or anything. The dorm wasnt as clean as it usually was and Caden and I couldnt afford to buy gifts- Cadens parents didnt see the point of it in such a small family get together. And okay, maybe I had enough to afford one small gift, but that wouldnt be relevant until my roommates parents left. Caden and I make cookies, but it more or less ended in a flour-throwing fight and then carried on into another pillow fight and then ended in almost burning the one batch of cookies that we did successfully get in an oven.

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McClendon Sad Songs I sat nibbling on one of these cookies as we all gathered on the couch and had a nice conversation about how things were going, though Cadens mother- Julie- seemed to be trying to keep it Christmascentered. So, Jude, sweetheart, She cooed, getting my attention, Did Blaise go home for the holidays? She asked, with an innocent tilt of her head. I nodded slightly, Yeah. He did, hes- Jack, who I referred to as Mr. Bryans for fear of getting shot if I called him otherwise, cut me off, Oh, Blaise. Thats the boy with the- uh the uh terminal cancer, isnt he? Poor guy. Yes, sir, hes- Whens his time up? Did they put a date on him yet? Mr. Bryans asked. I paused for a moment, seeing if he was going to have any more questions, and Caden squeezed my hand from where they were secretly joined under the blankets in encouragement. I wouldnt quite put it in those terms, but I I suppose so, I began, with a bit of a shaky sigh, His appointment was December 16th, so I think its supposed to be May that he I didnt finish that sentence. There was no way I would finish that sentence, and I knew right when I began it, But he has good doctors. They offer good deaths, if you will completion of goals, resolving any past conflicts assurance of effective pain and symptom management. They offer him education about death a-and its aftermath. I finished and paused for a moment, watching the wall as I was unable to make eye-contact with anyone else sitting in that room, Hell be okay. I added, Itll be okay.

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McClendon Sad Songs Julie cleared her throat at Caden, who had been squeezing my hand real hard the entire time. She had noticed him stealing glances at me- as we often stole glances at each other, just a much-needed, comforting gesture. It was funny how she almost seemed uncomfortable with it, like I would hurt him at all, or use him, or do anything that she wouldnt approve of with her son. Like Like fall in love with him. Oh.

Jack and Julie left a few hours later, hugging their son goodbye and collecting their coats with a certain dignity, a strange grace. As soon as they were gone, I turned to Caden, my hands at my sides and my lip bitten down for a moment or two, a bewildered look in my eyes that made Caden squint slightly in confusion and concern. It took a moment or two of courage, but soon enough I got the question down, Do you think we flirt too much? Caden snorted at this, covering his mouth with his hand and staring in near disbelief. Excuse me? And suddenly that new, melty, fluttering warmth was back all over again- the newness irritating as it ever was. It was something about how Cadens face flushed that light shade of pink and I could feel mine warming up to and we both wore these goofy grins as I continued to explain myself. It was something about how I was comfortable when I clearly should not have been comfortable.

35

McClendon Sad Songs W-well, we hold hands all the time and we cuddle and your mom clearly noticed and I dont mean to make things awkward, but we kind of flirt a lot- like a lot, a lot and I dont know if you think we flirt too much because honestly for best friends who are both going through the same crap, I think we flirt just enough- Caden hid his grin behind his hands and tapped my shoulder to shut my ramblings up, shaking his head. He moved his hands finally, revealing a bright pink blush, We flirt just enough. He answered, still grinning as he moved away to begin cleaning up from the Christmas get together. Okay. And with that, I helped him clean up the paper plates and cups and snacks and whatever had been left, placing all of the trash in the small black trashcan that already needed emptying, but would just have to deal. I couldnt help but noticed that Caden was smiling that same way that he was the day before Blaises appointment, when I came back from his dorm to see him grinning mindlessly at the ceiling. And my newness was back and it was just so it was nice. Maybe it was Christmas. Yeah definitely just Christmas. I sighed to myself as Caden moved to clean from the main room to the kitchen, and I quickly ran over to our closet to pick out a brightly wrapped box from where it had been hidden in the back. It was the only gift I got this year- because Caden was the only one who I felt I needed to get a gift for, simple as that. Anyway, I brought out the box to the kitchen, clearing my throat to get the younger boys attention. Hey I uhm Happy Christmas. I said, rather awkwardly.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden smiled warmly as he turned to see the box, stepping towards me and gently placing his long, slender fingers around the gift, Jude, you didnt have to buy me anything. He whispered, nearly cooing as he undid the bow over the top of the present, looking up to me. Oh, dont worry, its nothing. I watched in amusement as he very carefully unwrapped the present and chuckled to himself- the paper revealing a brand new fluffy, white pillow. Its to make up for the death of fluffy during the revolution of the United Cadendom. I grinned, watching as he giggled almost uncontrollably. He dropped his head on to my shoulder with a happy smile, just reveling in the moment before burying his face back in the pillow as if breathing it in, You sprayed your cologne on it. He whispered. I nodded, Yeah, I did. And then we were both laughing again and Caden threw his arms around me and whispered, Happy Christmas, Jude. In that warm, fond, Christmas-y way that I wished I could just keep in my pocket and have forever, listen to over and over. I never liked Christmas much. It was something about being there in the living room with my mother trying so hard to make everything perfect and pretend our family wasnt so screwed up, and my father trying to let her, and my brother calling him out for it. It was something about all the scented candles and the Christmas styled food that stayed in the fridge for weeks after, something about our annual attempted Christmas games that only ever ended in us screaming at each other and Peter driving off. It was something about the lack of love in the room all of my Christmases were known for that led to my dislike of the holiday.

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It was the next day when Caden and I got the news that Blaise had come back to Greenwood for the rest of break. It was at midnight, in fact, and there were audible footsteps and suitcases rolling down the hallway. I was only half awake at this point, so I didnt notice, nor did I really care whoever was coming down the dorm hall- whether it was a student or a serial killer or a really civilized bear, I just wanted to get my sleep. Caden seemed to agree seeing as he just groaned and rolled over to try to get comfortable again. Blaise had a roommate when he first came to Greenwood, but just a couple weeks into the school year his roommate decided that he needed more space for his moping and his wishes and desires, so he simply moved out and went to go sleep on the couch in a dorm with two other Greenwood guys right next to Blaises dorm. Even if he didnt room anymore, Blaises old roommate- Rob- still cared about his safety, hence moving over next store. And whatever crossed his mind to make him think it was a good idea to call a couple of teenagers at exactly midnight, I had no idea, but he called. As the phone rang obnoxiously loud through the quiet dorm, I rolled over and picked it up quickly. Me: Hello? Rob: Hey, uh, listenMe: Can I listen in the morning? Rob: No. Me: Why not? 38

McClendon Sad Songs Rob: Its important. Me: How is it important? Rob: Its Blaise. Blaise is important. Me: Blaise is on vacation Rob: Not anymore, hesMe: Wait, what? Rob: Oh my god, Jude Holloway, if you and Caden dont get your asses over to Blaises dorm and stop his sniffling right now I swear Me: Blaise is home? I guess I sounded kind of smug when I said that because Rob just gave a sort of huff and groaned, Idiot, as he hung up the phone. I would be sure to tell him the next morning at breakfast in the common room that I loved him, too. I rolled over in my bed and put the phone back, standing up out of the bed. Caden tried oh so desperately to pretend that he had been sleeping so I wouldnt wake him up during the phone call, but as soon as he heard Blaises name he was up out of the bed and toeing his shoes on over his bright red footie pajamas. We were out of our dorm and over knocking on number 121 in less than five minutes. Caden reached for the extra key that Blaise gave him after the day of the appointment- even though Blaise had given it to him, he left it on top of the freshmans door frame so he wouldnt lose it. We

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McClendon Sad Songs waited a good few minutes before using it when we heard sniffles and whimpers coming from inside the room. I held my breath as I put the spare key in the keyhole and turned it, then giving the key back to Caden and opening the door. I was half way through an instinctive greeting when I saw the inside of the dark dormitory, Welcome home- Oh, Blaise. Blaise was on the floor sobbing, holding himself and trying to stay quiet, his lip bitten down so hard that he drew blood. His eyes were all red and puffy, his cheeks stained with the trails of tears. He was curled up in a near-fetal position right next to his bed, his messy hair looking like he had begun to tear it out. He was surrounded by papers. Caden was the first to run over to him, collecting the little boy up in his arms and whispering soothing things in his ear in an attempt at the impossible- to calm him. It was heartbreaking how much of an innocent child Blaise seemed in that moment as he curled back into Caden and buried his face in his shoulder, his hands grabbing fistfuls of his shirt as he sobbed still, body shaking and heaving and thrashing. I sat next to Caden and held Blaises hand. I held his hand until he was calm enough to speak, which had been a while. He hadnt stopped sobbing for a good twenty minutes and it mustve been a half an hour when he could properly breathe and properly speak again. His suitcase was a mess on the floor, the clothes thrown around, a couple Christmas presents sitting at the bottom of it.

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McClendon Sad Songs We all sat in a sort of line against Blaises bed. The freshman sat in the middle between Caden and I and Caden began to speak, in a warm, calm tone, giving Blaises hand a big squeeze so he wouldnt feel so alone. How did, umm how did your parents-? I didnt tell them. Blaise confessed, shaking his head sadly as his eyes began to sting, I saw my sister there- Laura, I couldnt tell her. I couldnt let her see mom and dad cry, I couldnt leave her like that. Oh. Blaise went on, staring somewhat bitterly at the Christmas presents that were all gathered in his suitcase, The days got shorter, you know. Everything I touch seems so gone, He whispered, Time is ticking, and its been ten days since the appointment, ten days out of the freaking god knows how many I have left. He said it as if it were fact. The days got shorter. Blaise, dont say that- He cut me off and held up a paper that had been on the floor and crumpled it in his fist, throwing it across the room, And I havent completed one thing on this stupid bucket list. He complained, shaking his head again. Bucket list? Caden asked, after a while, and Blaise just nodded. Just a few short seconds after that, Caden was across the room, de-crumpling the ball of paper and bringing it back to him. There were twenty items on it. We can do this, He whispered as he squinted and stared sideways at the paper. Blaise tipped his head to the side curiously, his face still scrunched up with sadness, In five months? I took a quick glance at the piece of paper and nodded quickly as I read a few of them off in my head, Well, there are twenty items and three of us, so thats Do able. Caden finished for me with a little nod, squeezing Blaises hand again to comfort him. 41

McClendon Sad Songs Of course, both of us were blushing at a certain number ten that had been scribbled out on the paper, pretending that it wasnt there for a moment or two as not to upset or worry Blaise at all. They could cross that bridge when they very well came to it. The list was scribbled out on the paper in messy cursive- almost as messy as Blaises hair or maybe even his dormitory:

1.

Look in the mirror and smile

2.

Be an optimist for a day

3.

Make a whole week without any mental breakdowns

4.

Understand Republican views.

5.

Get a dog

6.

Pet that dog until it loves me

7.

Make Anti-bullying AWESOME

8.

Get too drunk

9.

Use Im dying as an excuse to get out of something

10. Make poor, sweet, innocent Jude Holloway realize his obvious romantic attraction toward one Caden Bryans.

11.

Tell my family Im dying - promise my sister Ill be alright.

12. Get kissed

13. Get to New York City

14. Spend an entire day doing nothing but watching Harry Potter movies.

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McClendon Sad Songs

16. Break a heart

17. Get arrested

18. Memorize the first 39 digits of Pi.

19. Apologize to that guy I blamed for forgetting to feed Mr. Bubbles in the second grade.

20. Dont expire early. Stay your welcome and love it.

I closed up the paper with a little grin, looking to Blaise and then looking over to the extra bed and grinning, Were moving in. I whispered, smirking, and patted a very surprise Blaise on the shoulder. Caden nodded quickly in agreement and hopped up along with me to go begin to get our stuff, not fazed by the sudden decision at all. Blaise, however, was a different story. The freshman raised his eyebrows, standing up his two friends were getting ready to bring all their stuff to his room, D-dont you need my permission first? He asked with a sort of chuckle. Caden smiled, shaking his head, Dont be silly, child, you need our help and were not leaving your side until this list is complete. He assured, making Blaise smile just the littlest bit even if he refused to acknowledge that he was smiling at all.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Five

We slept over at dorm number 121 that night and then packed a few suitcases full of clothes and toiletries and brought them over in the morning. Our dorm was just across the hall, anyway, so it wasnt like the walk would be a bother for the things that we left over there. Like, I bitterly reminded myself and not-so-casually glared at Caden, my hair gel. We had moved in before Blaise even woke up, of course, so I headed over to the mirror with a couple fingers full of black paint and tried to ignore the questioning glance from Caden, Jude Gale Holloway, what on earth do you think youre doing to that poor boys mirror?

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McClendon Sad Songs Number one on the list, I replied simply to him as I finger-painted the word smile across the mirror in big neat black letters. 1. Look in the mirror and smile. Caden hummed in realization and chuckled, still not resisting the urge to take a bit of wet paint off the mirror and smudge it on to my cheek as I painted, Hey! I groaned. All is fair in love and war, my friend. Caden whispered, teasing as he leant against me and picked up the list, Number ten. And by this, I was assuming he meant that pretending we were in love was going to become a problem quickly, but somehow I got the feeling that it wouldnt be so hard to pretend. We were always very affectionate best friends. With this, I pretended not to notice that my face was coloring pink as I went over to go pretend I was sleep and Caden did the same, curling up next to me as he always did. We were definitely going to have to do a lot of pretending these next few months. Blaise woke up a near fifteen minutes later, and by then I had near fallen asleep again. He stood up, going to the kitchen to go grab something for breakfast when he noticed something strange in the mirror and chuckled, smiling- he was most definitely smiling. Jude, He whispered fondly, turning to see the black paint smudge on my face. I blinked myself awake again, smiling as well, Check on number one? I asked, taking out a pen. Check, he repeated back to me. And oh, this was definitely going to be fun. We set the list in the middle of the kitchen table as we sat down for breakfast, and Caden ritualistically checked off number one, to which Blaise and I clapped and laughed a bit through bites of cereal.

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McClendon Sad Songs How many more days of break do we have? The freshman asked around a yawn, tiredly shoving a spoonful of cereal in his mouth and whining a bit to himself. I always hated that, no longer how many hours somewhat slept there was a certainty that they would still be tired in the morning. That stupid freaking yawn in the early morning that made eyes heavy and gave notice that, yes, even though you were vulnerable for about twelve hours and are currently losing a good half of your lifetime to lying in a comfortable unit while your body slows and then basically shuts down, you still want more of that time and you will never be satisfied! However, through all of my semi-conscious ranting, I still managed to answer Blaises question, Its the twenty seventh today, and I think we go back on Monday on the thirtieth. I whispered, Caden nodding along to confirm my answer. Blaise nodded back, Then its back to Greenwood, eh? Fun. I missed seeing you in that costume of yours. He teased in a laugh, gesturing toward Caden with his spoon that was no longer full of cerealthanks to his mouth. Its a uniform. And I swore if Blaise hadnt been dying then he wouldve gotten slapped silly by one Caden Bryans because it was a uniform and most definitely not a costume. The simple thought was what had me giggling all through breakfast as my roommate trained his cold gaze on the freshman until he looked down shamefully. I think Im gonna call my parents and Laura today. Blaise murmured from where he had been looking down at his lap, twiddling his thumbs. He shrugged as he bit his lip down softly in thought.

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McClendon Sad Songs Cadens death glare softened as him and I nodded at the decision from the younger boy. It wasnt really the fact that he was saying it so much as it was the fact that he was so scared about it. There were irrational fears that they all had. For example, I had been always afraid of being in the dark alone and Caden was nearly sobbing when he saw a giant spider in the shower and well, it took a long time of me trying awkwardly not to see too much as I got in and killed the thing. But back to my point all of us had irrational fears, and rational fears that we could comfort each other from, that we knew how to deal with in our separate ways. Caden plugged a night light in to the wall on days when he had to leave Greenwood, and I made sure to look out for spider webs and clear them out of the room before anything happened. But this was something completely rational, and none of us remotely knew anything about how to help Blaise with it. Here was a fifteen year old boy afraid of telling his parents and his single-digit sister that he was dying. Here was something much bigger than spiders or the dark.

December 27th, 2013. 2:53 PM. Outgoing call to Luehrman, Rachel Hey. Hello! Blaise, sweetie, is that you? Yeah, mom its me. I wanted to talk to you about- Oh sweetheart, weve been worrying about you since you went back to school. The dog misses you very much; do you want me to put him on the phone? Or maybe youd rather talk to Laura. 47

McClendon Sad Songs No, no, mom, its okay. I just wanted- Howre Jude and Caden, darling? I really want to meet them someday, you know, they sound like such sweet guys. Yes, mom, theyre great, listen to me, please- Oh no, but I have so many stories to tell you-! Im dying.

It was heartbreaking throughout the whole thing, and Blaise blinked tears down his cheeks when he spoke, his eyes closed and his cheeks flushed. He had asked me to be there, so I sat on the couch in front of him and sighed softly, waiting. There was a sort of silence on the other line, and suddenly I knew that Mrs. Luehrman had lost that cheery smile that Blaise told me all about. Blaise swallowed his sobs.

H-how long do you dyou Five months. May seventeenth Im due. Oh, Blaise, you cant- when did you find out? December sixteenth. Im sorry I didnt tell you sooner, I couldnt find the right time.

There was a long pause, and then there was a sob from the other line, only one. 48

McClendon Sad Songs

Id like to talk to Laura now, please.

Blaise bit his lip down hard and tore his face away from the phone for a moment so he could wipe a few tears away. I could imagine how pale Mrs. Luehrman was as she walked, weakened toward her small daughter and wordlessly handed her the phone. It hurt for me, so it hurt for Blaise a thousand times more and I didnt understand how he could manage to tolerate it the pain As he could no longer hold it back, Blaise put the phone down on his leg and I ran over to hold his hand, holding it real hard and real awkward because from where my position was, our arms were all twisted together and uncomfortable- yet, I wouldnt let go for the world.

Laura hey, kiddo, listen

Neither Caden, nor I saw Blaise the rest of the day after the phone call we knew exactly where he was, after all, he was just hidden under the comforters curled up in the ball and weeping. We just didnt see him. The phone call had gone rather well for that kind of phone call- Laura hadnt really registered it at all. She said okay and she cried, but she didnt really understand and Blaise was just so relieved for that, because he knew he couldnt have done it if she did. He promised her that she would be okay in the

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McClendon Sad Songs end- that if he wasnt okay, it wasnt the end. This was a motto that Dr. Knightley said to him every visit, and that Blaise often recited in his sleep. There was only a little peep from a very sleepy Blaise as he curled up under his covers, Caden and I sitting and doing over-break homework on the couch as we waited: Check. Number 11: Tell my family Im dying- promise my sister Ill be alright. Caden cracked a little bit of a smile and nodded, jumping off the couch and running over to the kitchen table to take the pen and place a neat check mark right next to number eleven on the freshmans bucket list. Two down, eighteen to go.

Two days later, on December thirtieth, school started up again and Blaise Luehrman was back in the uniform- or, as he referred to it, costume- and ready to go. Caden stood in front of him and smiled real wide as he adjusted the freshmans tie. I watched the whole scene as I packed Blaises bag on the couch. He hadnt been in school for a month or so, now, just had the work delivered to him. Ready, bumblebee? Caden asked teasingly as he popped Blaises collar with a giggle. Im ready, gay bumblebee. He responded with a smug, playful grin, ducking down when Caden tried to smack him on the back of the head. I handed Blaise his bag and he took it gladly. With this, we were off. So, why are you so excited on this irritatingly cold Monday morning? I asked as we strolled down the carpeted hallways with the swarmsno pun intended- of teenage boys who all looked more like teenage zombies this early in the morning.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden chirped, wrapping an arm around Blaise, We are beginning our adventures in propaganda and dealing with jocks for number seven. He answered, Blaise adding, Make Anti-bullying AWESOME, as Caden looked down at him and chuckled. Rob turned around from where he had been zombie-walking with all of his friends and half-glared at the three of us, groaning as he continued down the stairs which now seemed quite the challenge. It was as if being happy on a Monday was disturbing some sort of natural order. Blaise put his hands in the air and gestured loudly for Rob to calm down, giggling as he did so. And no one would disobey Blaise Luehrman so Rob politely turned around again and continued his excuse for walking. So, whos designing the propaganda? I asked after a moment, nudging Cadens shoulder with mine. My roommate shrugged, nudging me right back, Blaise and I are going down to the media art room eighth period to start designing if you wanna come. You can bet its gonna be tons of fun. Or maybe you just want to come down to the Confessions room with us eighth period tomorrow, Blaise added quickly, hooking his pinky with Cadens, and then Caden hooking his with mine, Or the library on Wednesday so I can start researching how Republicans think. Wow, you guys are extreme, I laughed, Ill be there. It was amazing to me how quickly Blaise could change. He could be mentally breaking down one moment, and then the next he will have acted as though he knew the secret to life. One moment was cancerous, and then the next was full of light and poetic and gentle and no matter how long it had been, how close we were, how many times I had seen it happen- Blaise Luehrman never once ceased to amaze me.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden and I walked Blaise to his classroom, and heard the students erupt into cheers as he walked in, and then we went back to our own, grinning like fools the entire way there. I sat down next to him in the back of the classroom, and took his hand in mine, my thumb brushing idly over his knuckles as the morning announcements came over the speaker. The school principals voice came through loud, echoing from the speakers and flooding the hallways, Good morning, Greenwood Academy. I hope youre all having a wonderful Monday full of fun and academic excellence! Dont forget, our basketball team is playing in a big tournament this weekend; tickets are being sold outside the Cafeteria all periods today and tomorrow. There will be refreshments, games, and fun for students and parents of all ages. Also lets welcome back a student we hold very close to our hearts, Blaise Luehrman! I let go of Cadens hand momentarily so we could both clap for a while. Blaise Luehrman was back and better than ever. Blaise was back and he had nothing to fear. Blaise was back and he didnt have time to waste. Mr. Crawford clapped as well from the back of the room- I swear it was the first time I had ever seen that man actually enthusiastic for something. We all sat through a few minutes of just waiting for the bell to ring when Chris Hanover came over to Caden and I, and in a sort of panic, we let go of each others hands, and my eyes went wide as the first thought that came to my mind was: Hes going to beat us up. Caden Caden Caden Caden must protect Caden must not get hit by giant jock stereotype. But the giant in front of me only waved his hand in front of my face in an attempt to get my attention, Hey, bro? Bro? Cmon, bro? Broheme? Brollo? Brozen yogurt? And I eventually decided I was about done with listening to this whole so I finally looked up, and nodded. 52

McClendon Sad Songs Dude, whys Blaise back in school? He asked, and seemed to catch the attention of the rest of the class when he did so. A couple of his friends circled around in their chairs, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat and just answer. I opened my mouth to explain, but as soon as I did, Caden spoke up, He just wants to see some friends again, and its kind of hard when hes all stuffed up in his dorm room. Just because he had a special thing doesnt mean he cant come to Greenwood and be treated like say, Jude and I are treated. He shrugged, offering a smile to Chris. So we should beat him up? one of Chriss friends asked. I couldnt quite tell if they were joking, so I raised a hand and shook my head quickly, Oh, no, no, no. Thats not thats definitely not necessary. But the football guys all just erupted into laughs again and disbanded, Chris shouting behind him, Thanks, Broheme! As he went back to some activity that annoyingly-concerned-about-their-sexualidentification straight guys were into, whatever it was. After all, they liked tackling each other on the football field more than just about anything else. Anyway, the day went on and every time Caden and I saw Blaise in the hallway, we would shout something to embarrass him like Jesus loves you! or just start clapping or we would tackle him in hugs. By the time eighth period rolled around, I was sure he was about ready to shoot the both of us. You idiots! He whisper-shouted from his table in the back of the library as Caden and I put our stuff down next to his and sat down, high fiving each other wordlessly, as Blaise continued, Jesus loves you? Have a blessed day? What are you, my embarrassing parents? Why yes, Blaise, yes we are. I answered, not fazed remotely by the question. 53

McClendon Sad Songs Caden snorted, rolling his eyes. We all sat down at the table and messed with some sketching and coloring in the lines with a bunch of crayons, and laughed as we designed each poster- pretty much mocking the schools motto of stand up and speak out. Caden continuously pointed out that the posters I was designing of Blaises face covered in red, white, and blue, with the caption under it, would you rather sit down and shut up? looked like Nazi propaganda that his Global History teacher had showed them, and to prove his point he pulled up a couple posters of Hitler standing in the same position. Everyones a critic. By the time we were beginning to get anywhere with the mottos or the posters, the period had ended and the Media Arts teacher shooed them out, with her strong Russian accent and her overall scary-ness. Well that went nowhere. That went absolutely nowhere. Blaise groaned, hiding his face momentarily in Cadens shoulder and groaning real loudly, I dont know, maybe I should just take it off of the list. I cant even convince my mother that Im alright, how will I be able to convince the entire student body that Anti-Bullying is cool? Especially with you two losers, He added finally with a chuckle, playfully hitting Cadens shoulder and then mine as we both laughed, faking hurt. Caden and I assured him for the seventh time that day that it was going to turn out perfectly if we just put our minds to it and worked as hard as we said we would work.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Six

Friday was the first time during the whole week that I hadnt been right by Caden and Blaise the entire day. The two of them had gone to the Confessions room first period, since they had the period free, but I had to go to a band lesson with Mr. Blanchard- which I couldnt complain about. So I wandered down the music hallway, feeling strangely alone as I walked into the band room, holding no ones hand for the first time in the entirety of the week. Mr. Blanchard had been discussing with Griffin, the leader of the Harry Potter fan club that no, no they couldnt do Hedwigs Theme for the third year in a row, they already had a set list made up for the concert.

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McClendon Sad Songs But, Mr. Blanchard-! Bye, Griffin. The tall band teacher turned to see me and smiled, the other student groaning and quickly disappearing, Jude! I missed you on Bowtie Monday. He laughed- a sort of light laugh. Bowtie Monday was some sort of ritual for Mr. Blanchard and all of his band students. Every Mondayguess what! - They wore bowties. No one had caught on to Bowtie Monday yet except for the students who took part in it. It was actually kind of amusing how clueless the other Greenwood boys were. I nodded in turn as I sat down in my regular seat and grabbed my drums, Yeah, sorry about that, Caden hid all of my bowties because I agreed that his uniform was kind of more like a costume. Do you know how much a Caden glare hurts? Like, a lot, Mr. B. I explained, sighing longingly. Mr. Blanchard just laughed, shaking his head, Oh, you two, I swear to god He trailed off. What? You act like an old married couple and flirt like your lives depend on it. He explained, resting a hand firm on my shoulder and looking me in the eyes, As a teacher, its my job not to be honest. But Im going to be honest with you right now. He threw that charming smile my way, his eyes kind of strangely happy as if he was giving me news that I had been waiting for, I can see it, and everyone can see it. You two are perfectly smitten with each other. My eyebrows knit together, and slowly I shook my head, I dont think thats it, Mister B. With that, we started our lesson.

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McClendon Sad Songs I had a whole bunch of problems in my head. When Caden was in danger, if he was going to fall into that depression again or if if Blaises death would send him in to it in a linear progression that I had no way of possibly stopping I was worried that Blaise wouldnt get everything on the list done before his special thing snapped, I was confused about the day that I came home to Caden and he was smiling, I was worried about that new warmth that I felt sometimes. It seemed like as soon as I cleared up one problem for myself, six more popped up and if there was one thing that I was certain about, being smitten with Caden Bryans wasnt going to solve any of those problems and him being smitten with me would be improbable wouldnt it? It was an idea to keep in my problem filled, sarcastic, asshole mind, though. I drummed for the rest of the forty minute period and talked to Mr. Blanchard as I did so. I was in the middle of a solo piece that he was critiquing on a big rubric when I spoke up again, Hey, Mr. B? Youre really creative, arent you? The teacher snorted as he glanced up at me just barely from the rubric he was marking, and then looked back down, Id like to believe so. Why? Well, Caden and Blaise and I- Mr. Blanchard smiled when Cadens name popped up yet again and gave me a wink that I tried to ignore while I continued playing my solo piece, Blaise wants to make AntiBullying cool in Greenwood, so we were making propaganda, if you will and we have absolutely no idea what were doing. Well, your campaign has to be good. My honesty is getting way out of control, but this whole program is so lame. The teacher groaned, to which I almost stopped playing because I was laughing so hard, And if this is your way of asking me if I would help you to create posters that somehow make stand up, speak out sound cool, then I would love to share with you my outstanding creativity and imagination. 57

McClendon Sad Songs Thanks, Mr. B. I whispered back with a smile as I finally, finally finished the solo. Dont mention it. My mom always told me when I was younger that I identified and grew more attached to supportive male figures because I never really had a supporting father, a father who cared about me in the slightest. And I thought that was total crap, but I really liked spending time with Mr. Blanchard because I could tell that he really, truly cared about me. He was honest, and even if that particular honesty wasnt what I needed, I knew I could count on it. And that was all I could possibly ask from a teacher; a real teacher. The lesson ended when I got my rubric back and Mr. B showed me a few things that I could work on. I had gotten a pretty good grade on it- seeing as I could play the piece accurately without looking at it. I thanked my band teacher quickly, mumbled a promise that I would participate in the next Bowtie Monday, and left to go back to my study hall and just take a little time to think.

After ninth period that day, I went straight back to my homeroom because it had, after all, been a Friday, and I had, after all, needed to go to this Anti-Bullying thing. I resumed my regular position in the seat right next to Cadens seat and watched in amusement as they boy rushed in with some more poster sketches and sat right next to me, smiling. Did it go well? I asked, brushing his wind-blown hair back for him. Oh, yeah, it went great. Wait until you see the Confessions video we made.

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McClendon Sad Songs And thats how I knew this thing was going to get off the ground. For once in his life, or at least the part of his life that I had known him, Caden finally seemed confident about something- which only meant it was going well. I nodded to my best friend and squeezed his hand. Mr. Crawford stood up in front of the class- same ripped jeans, same green t-shirt, same sarcastic attitude and cup of cold coffee and bags under his eyes- but a new lesson plan for this meeting. Today, the class would be talking about what they could do if they saw somebody being excluded. Yay, sharing feelings! He exclaimed, just as he did the last week and the week before that and the week before that, sounding sadder than his attempts at sounding happy, Now, can anyone in the class tell me what exclusion is? Caden raised his hand sigh up in the air- a first step. Participation in these meeting would probably help, Exclusion is when someone or something is left out of a group of things-rational or not. For example, Jude and I arent allowed in the boys locker rooms. Thats exclusion. He said, my eyes widening as I kicked him under the table. Unnecessary. Caden whispered. The rest of the class was still laughing a little bit from the sort of confession that the student had when Mr. Crawford finally went on, Um, thank you Caden. This leads me into the next part. Have any of you seen a case where someone was excluded from a group unreasonably? Or maybe heard of one from a friend? This time, it was my turn to answer the completely disinterested teachers question, Yes, sir. I started, trying to think of something and be confident about it like Caden had been, Um when I was in my freshman year of Greenwood, a bunch of my friends and I were out in the Courtyard and one of my friends tried to join a game of Frisbee with the seniors, but they wouldnt let him. 59

McClendon Sad Songs That was a lie. It didnt happen. I didnt have so many friends to go to the Courtyard with, and even if I did, I wouldnt have a friend stupid enough to think that he could play a game of Frisbee with the seniors. However, I did need to participate in these meetings now. I needed to at least put a little bit of effort in. And you personally witnessed this event. What did you do, Jude? Nothing, I said honestly, I did absolutely nothing because I was sort of scared that the seniors would come after me. I didnt even start a new game of Frisbee with that friend, I just kind of told him to walk it off so we could go play football. I wish I had done something, though, I think thats what counts. Mr. Crawford nodded simply at my answer, Okay, then. I say we continue this conversation after the Confessions lets not let this get too exciting, here. The class laughed a little bit at that as Mr. Crawford took the tape that the principal had sent everyone from a little envelope, popping it in his computer to play. There were two videos today, one step down from the week before Christmas break. I really underestimated how much I had missed these meetings. Caden and I squeezed each others hands as Mr. Crawford pressed play and the first video came over the big screen in the front of the classroom. This one was in the dark, and the voice came clearly from behind the camera and it was a little low and a little sad, I think I need to go to a mental hospital because, like, anywhere would be better than here. Im not saying Im insane, I just despise this school. These meeting are not working. At this Confession, Caden pouted a little, but the next one was the CC room full of light and Blaise standing in front of the camera, smiling. There was something about Blaises smiles that was so sad, no matter how happy he tried to seem. No matter how bright he was, there was that hint of knowledge in

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McClendon Sad Songs his eyes, hidden behind that dark, scraggly hair. Knowledge was the worst kind of pain. He knew he was going to die. So he Confessed. I went to the doctor about a week or two ago, Blaise started. I nodded, as if I were telling him to keep going even though it was only him in a video. I rested my head on Cadens shoulder, the video going on, And I found out from Dr. Knightley that my cancer is terminal and that I only have about five months left. A shaky, sudden gasp came over the entire classroom when the words came from Blaise. Mr. Crawford became very serious and very pale in a matter of split seconds. The video went on, Caden Bryans, Jude Holloway, and I are all working very hard to make this school a better place. I wont rest until it is. Maybe stand up, speak out sounds like the lamest thing ever but youre not going to let people to tell you to sit down and shut up, are you? As the video finished, and the giant screen went off, every student looked back to a sickly Mr. Crawford, who simply nodded and walked back to his desk, sitting down. There was no doubt he was startled. Class dismissed, He croaked. With that, everyone stood up and went to go to their dormitories, somewhat wordlessly. What was that? I asked Caden in a hushed tone as we followed the current back to dorm 121. The other boy simply shrugged, pushing a strand of chestnut hair out of his face and walking along, trying to peer over the heads of the jocks in front of us to see if he could find Blaise anywhere, In politics, you play to your strengths. Our greatest strength as of right now is the ability to make them

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McClendon Sad Songs listen. They all know that Blaise wont be around long, and they were all startled. They listened. Theyll help. This isnt politics; this is completing a bucket list. A bucket list that involves politics. With that, I simply mumbled touch under my breath and walked back to the dorm with Caden, using our spare key to get inside- only to see Blaise already laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling that now had a giant poster of the Manhattan skyline over the crack in the white paint. I set my stuff down at the door right next to Cadens stuff and we both went to go sit beside Blaise, who honestly, seemed perfectly content just staring at the poster. Caden spoke up. Do you still want to go to the library to go research how Republicans think, sweetie? Caden always cooed when he talked to Blaise. Oh yeah, of course, just just a second. He said, and both of us nodded. I went to the kitchen to go get a snack, sit down for a little while. The list in the middle of the kitchen table seemed almost challenging now that I really saw it. There were two checkmarks there, and we needed twenty by the end of five months. If we didnt, I hardly know if I would ever forgive myself, and if I wouldnt, its damn sure that Caden would never let go. I felt really bad for Blaises sister Laura suddenly. She was only six, and she knew her brother had five months left to live, and she knew that wasnt a very long time, but she didnt really understand. She didnt grasp the finality of death, and I knew she wouldnt until it hit her so hard that she wouldnt be able to vocalize her new discovery as the tears would get in the way. Laura couldve known, for all I knew, I barely knew the small girl. But it had been that way for me. 62

McClendon Sad Songs No one in my family- or a close friend- died to make me realize. I remember it hitting me one day, as I lay in bed at night, that people who die do not come back. There are way more people dead than there will ever be people alive. I finally understood that I would die someday, and in my discovery, as I touched the wall next to my bed, it seemed so cold, it seemed so gone. Blaise had been getting worse. He couldnt sleep the previous night, even though his tiredness was evident. His breathing lately had gotten shorter and noisier, and his movements more restless. His limbs were more and more inflexible and his fists were often clenched; like he was trying to get away from all of the pain. Blaise told me once while we were sitting together that he was beginning to have acute pain sometimes, and I didnt know what that was, so I just nodded, but he knew that I didnt know- because he was good that way- so he explained some of it for me. He told me that acute pain occurred suddenly, and it was sharp. It was usually caused by something damaging the body tissue. I winced as he explained it, and then never brought it up again. By the time we were off to go to the library, it was about five, and the library would only be open until eight since it was a Friday and the public library just likes screwing students over like that. The Greenwood library closed when school closed, which, at some points, seemed like the most cruel and unusual way to torture a student who was a habitual procrastinator, like yours truly. Anyway, Caden and Blaise and I walked down the street to get to the library for the whole three miles that it took to get there, telling stories about their separate adventures in politics. It was then that I told them Mr. Blanchard was going to help to make our propaganda a bit more fabulous. Caden was amused by the idea.

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McClendon Sad Songs When we got to the library, nearing six oclock, the library parking lot was empty, a few of the lights turned off, and the computers all shut down already- one librarian snoozing at her desk inside. There was a little sort of courtyard outside the library, full of waterfalls and big, metal frog statues that they though somehow werent creepy and a bunch of park benches. Blaise, tired from the long walk, directed us to go inside and get a few books as he lay on a park bench and stared up at the sky, tracing the constellations that hadnt quite appeared yet as it was still just barely light outside. With that, I nodded and followed Caden inside to go grab a few books and wake up the librarian at the checkout with a small sigh, Hes getting weak, you know. I whispered over to him as we headed to the nonfiction section of the giant, public, glorified library. I know. Caden responded, But honestly, Im a bit tired too after walking three miles. I hummed in agreement, my feet somewhat sore from the long walk in those damned Greenwood loafers. During our search (which mustve lasted twenty minutes) we had only found two books that could possibly help poor Blaise Luehrman in his quest to understand Republican views- which were, coincidentally, both titled the Republican Brain with different, snarky subtitles. When we headed back to Blaise, he was still lying there at the park bench, watching the sky which was just beginning to soften into the pastels of a sunset- watching the green pine trees sway in choreography to the winds soft shove. There was something about the way that Blaise looked at the world that was simply fascinating to me. Caden laughed as he handed Blaise the books, the younger boy taking one good look at them and laughing as well, Oh, these are going to be fun. He smirked.

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McClendon Sad Songs We ended up lounging in the courtyard of the public library long after the building closed, reading by the thin light from Cadens phone as the stars appeared in the sky for the first time that night, and sparkled, shone like stars were made to shine. Caden was reading the third chapter of the first Republican Brain book when Blaise interrupted him, Alongside the Democratic party, the Republican party is one of the two major political parties in the United States. It was founded by anti-slavery activists in 1854, and from 1860-1932, the group dominated nationally. There have been eighteen Republican presidents, and theyre often referred to as the Grand Old Party or the GO- I pity the stars, Blaise whispered, making Caden pause in his monotonic reading. I looked over to him as he continued, his eyes trained stubbornly on the sky, In the morning- when the sun outshines them, when they cant be seen. They could all be suns, but we would never know. We could never reach them. They were made to shine, but they just cant, and it must be so awful. It must be awful to be loved only while the world is asleep. And I, somewhat less of an intellectual badass than the freshman beside me, nodded, Uh yeah. Caden nodded in return, and gave Blaises hand a squeeze before he continued reading from the book that they borrowed, clearing his throat, A majority of seats in the House of Representatives in the 112th Congress are held by members of the Republican Party; however they hold a minority of seats in the senate When we left the library, Blaise didnt understand Republican political views any more than he understood why a fish would want a bicycle, but it was nearing midnight and Caden and I were becoming too tired (And too uninterested) to continue reading.

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McClendon Sad Songs We headed down the moonlit street for the three mile walk back to Greenwood, I think Im gonna get a wheelchair. Blaise mumbled, kicking a few pebbles in his path. Caden threw him a questioning glance, and he elaborated, The walks between classes are getting harder, and this is only three miles but I feel like crawling. He groaned, half-hiding against Cadens shoulder, who cooed and pet his hair some more. Hey, at least we know a sure way to get each other to sleep now, Caden offered, holding up both the books and yawning a bit, If I read one more word of that freaking book, I definitely wouldve fallen asleep. And you dont even understand yet. He chuckled, that light laugh. I smiled a smile that faded slowly as I watched Blaises steps wordlessly slow to a stop, the boy going to sit on the ground, childlike and tired. Caden and I took turns carrying him back home to dorm room number one hundred twenty-one, and then laid him down in bed as we arrived. Caden let out a huff of breath when he put Blaise down, his arms growing tired of carrying the smaller boy. Gnight, Blaise. He whispered soothingly as he pulled the covers over the freshman and fluffed his pillows a bit. I knew he wasnt going to sleep for a while, though, so I just sat on the edge of the extra bed that Caden and I shared, I love you. Blaise glanced up at his older friend with a quirked eyebrow, You love me? He asked, seeming somewhat confused. I smiled a little bit to myself. Well, of course Jude and I love you. Caden said with a bright smile and a soft voice, poking Blaises side, Youve taught me so much. I feel happy again with you and Jude and you showed me theres so much more to the world than the inevitability of death. Youre like youre like my big, special BandAid.

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McClendon Sad Songs I put my hands up in protest, whining, I thought I was your Band-Aid! No fair! Lets be honest, Jude, Blaise started with a little laugh, sitting up in the bed and turning to face me, wearing the smug smirk that suited him so well, First off, Im a much sexier Band-Aid. Second, who doesnt want a cancerous Band-Aid? The room swept with that cheery sort of air again, the kind that Id been missing for a little while, Well, you got me there, hot stuff.

Chapter Seven

We ended up returning those books the day after we got them, and Blaise used Cadens laptop instead for all of his research, leaving the subject alone for a while. It was difficult, after all, and I praised Blaise for all of the effort that he was putting in to the subject matter. I was walking down the hallway, off to my eight period class when I heard from behind me, a few voices shouting, JUDEHJUDEHJUDEHJUDEH! Which I , as I turned around, assumed was three quarters the fault of Caden Bryans, and one quarter the fault of Mr. Blanchard, the two of them walking proudly down the hallway alongside Blaise and laughing as I turned around to glare at them.

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McClendon Sad Songs I hate that song, I muttered jokingly. After all, being named Jude had become the center of my life thus far. I couldve been named anything else from a song; I wouldve been fine with it. But Jude? My mother couldve married a man with the last name Robinson. She could be Misses Robinson. Or, she couldve named me Stacy and been Stacys mom- I would probably prefer that to Jude- or even Jesse. And people could tease me all the time about wanting my girl, which wouldnt even work anyway because I never have and never will have any romantic interest toward any female ever. Caden ruffled my hair as he came up beside me, Youre coming to the library with us, mister. He said, very matter-of-factly. Mr. Blanchard hummed in agreement as he marched on the other side of me, carrying Blaise on his back, Were going down to multi-task. Why not shoot two buckets in one study hall? Caden continued. I dont know, sounds like a pretty good idea to me. So we headed down to the Greenwood library. Now, Caden and I were used to getting looked at weird in these hallways, but the looks got even weirder when the homophobes not only see two gays openly whispering and giggling to each other about god knows what- honestly, it didnt even make sense to usalongside a band teacher wearing a bowtie, carrying a freshman on his back. Needless to say, they were pretty good. One of the more entertaining mindless judgings I had received in quite a while. We went all the way to the back of the Greenwood library, and Mr. Blanchard pulled out a big grocery store bag full of the art supplies and a camera for the anti-bullying propaganda (which we really needed get going with soon) as well as a laptop, Okay, boys, its almost the end of the month. Youve got twenty on the list, so thats four per month and judging by the rate youve been at so far, youre pretty good for this month. Today were working on- 68

McClendon Sad Songs Number seven and number eighteen, I know, Mr. B. Blaise finished for the teacher with a little laugh. Number seven- make anti-bullying awesome, of course. Since wed put number four down for a while, we were getting a start on number eighteen- which was to memorize the first thirty nine digits of Pi. I didnt care how many items we got done in a month, two or eight, no matter how uneven it was, I think all of us agreed that we just wanted to help Blaise get them done. The younger boy sat facing the teacher at the library table in the back while Caden and I brainstormed different phrases and poses for the posters. It sounded a bit like this:

Me: Oh! Okay, what about a super dramatic turn from the shoulder and then the ending phrase from the video? Caden: No, no, no- thats too dramatic, I think it just needs to say sit down, shut up at the bottom. Mr. Blanchard: Are you ready? Blaise: Yes. Mr. Blanchard: Okay, here it goes 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419Blaise: Oh my god, stop, my brain hurts. Caden: Because the caption could make them realize what its like to be bullied, to be told that sort of stuff every day. Theyll despise those posters, and thats what we want! We want to stimulate some sort of response! Me: Oh my god, stop, my brain hurts.

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McClendon Sad Songs We took a break. In this break, Blaise took Mr. Blanchards laptop and began to read off the numbers that were right there, trying to get them stuck in his head in place of yet another top forty single by some pop star, who he was barely aware of the existence of. Also during this break, Caden and I were given poses for the posters and then after our shots were taken, Mr. Blanchard would get a bunch more of Blaise alone. So really, it wasnt a break at all. Mr. Blanchard took Caden and me over to the white wall in a little dip of the back of the library, making us stand in front of it and pose together. His arm was placed casually on my shoulder and both of us smiled- which was contradicting to the caption that Caden wanted on the bottom of the poster, so it looked like I was going to win this one. So, what are we going to use on the caption? Im pretty sure we cant smile while were telling people to shut up. I whispered to Caden as Mr. Blanchard snapped another photo of us smiling and leaning close together. Is this your way of telling me that you were right? And of course, Caden was always on track with my thoughts- and he very confidently knew this by this stage in our relationship, so I nodded, This is definitely my way of telling you I was right. Caden waited until Mr. Blanchard politely put the camera down to go help Blaise to groan at me, Jude Holloway, stop being such a such a a snutch! He laughed. I was always a very defensive person, so by instinct, I reacted in defense to his nonsensical insult, I am not a snutch! Take that back! another silly thing we did together- arguing with a lack of understanding. 70

McClendon Sad Songs This would be something that wasnt silly to any other pair in the world, but to Caden and me it basically meant we were just making things up and fighting about nothing. Caden laughed again, becoming flustered as he giggled and hid his face in my shoulder, cracking up. When he lifted his head again to speak, his cheeks were noticeably flushed and the corners of his eyes were crinkled, Well, seeing as I just made that up to describe your attitude this very moment, you are, by definition, a snutch! And then we were laughing with each other again until we couldnt breathe, and yet another wink came from Mr. Blanchard as he turned to look at us, and I tried to ignore it, but out of the corner of my eye, I swore I saw Caden wink back at him. Alright, cuties, breaks over! My band teacher shouted over to us, to which the librarian almost violently shushed him and smacked him over the head with a newspaper. Blaise laughed quietly to himself at this, and all four of us returned to our table. Blaise tapped his foot against the floor when he sat down, looking as though he was trying to keep a rhythm as he began reciting to himself, Three point one four one five nine two six five three five six five three five, um He thought, groaning. The band teacher was busying himself with glitter-decorating posters as he sighed, Well, you have the first eleven digits down. Twenty eight to go, He looked at the numbers on his laptop again and let out a long huff of breath, Theres a reason Im not a math teacher, boys. I never want to see half of those symbols again. Preach. Caden mumbled, still cooling down from his fit of laughter.

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McClendon Sad Songs The teacher smirked at that, settling back down in his seat and dressing a big black poster up with a couple lines of pink glitter, watching his own work in entertainment. Of course, Caden and I expected nothing more from the older teacher, but Blaise was surprised by this idea, So, how did the last antibullying meeting go? Mr. Blanchard asked around a little yawn, clearly not caring. I opened my mouth to answer his question, but I was cut off by Caden- who answered for me, It went grand, Mr. B, thank you for asking. Besides the fact that Bryans over here decided to share with the class and Mr. Crawford that were not allowed to change in the boys locker room after gym. I held a finger up to further prove my point- just because that was what smart people did, apparently. Blaise mimicked the action, holding his finger up matter-of-factly as well and smiling over to me, Which was probably hilarious. Thanks for the support guys. The librarian locked up that night an hour or two before we actually left, because Mr. Blanchard had so confidently assured her that us four being right there at that very moment was completely necessary and since he had a key to all the buildings in the school, it would be fine if we left at say, midnight, or whenever the cancerous teenage boy beside him would learn the first freaking thirty nine digits of Pi. January 6th, 2013. One month in and we had two items completed- but thanks to a couple extra hours in a library, we finally got three, Okay, Blaise, ready? Thirty nine digits- thats all it is. Mr. Blanchard coached, clapping for the freshman.

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McClendon Sad Songs The plan from here was to go puppy shopping later in the week and then go to a church on Sunday and try to believe in God for a night, and keep going with the Anti-Bullying propaganda, and honestly to me it just seemed like a big mess but it would work out. It had to work out. Blaise nodded, smiling a bit at the encouragement he was receiving, Im ready. Okay, go nice and slow, kiddo. I ruffled his hair teasingly, knowing very well that he hated when I called him that. Payback for the Hey Jude incident. Blaise glared playfully back and me and laughed lightly, Alright, here it goes. He said, taking in a big breath as if he was hoping to recite thirty nine digits of Pi in a single breath, that poor, poor fool, Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six two six four, breath, Three three eight three two seven nine five zero two eight eight four one nine. With a glance back over to Mr. Blanchard for a sign of reassurance- just to know that he had been right, Blaise grinned real wide and looked over to Caden. Check. The quiet library erupted into cheers of, Three down, seventeen to go! at the confirmation, and with Mr. Blanchards giant glitter-painted posters in hand, as well as a couple blown up photos with the caption stand up, speak out on the bottom that they would glue to the posters later, the three boys headed back to the dorm to catch some sleep for the Monday night. I ran straight to the kitchen, racing Caden as I grabbed the pen in a rush and checked off number eighteen: memorize the first thirty nine digits of Pi. Caden smacked the back of my head with a rolled up newspaper off the kitchen table when I beat him to the list, giggling.

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McClendon Sad Songs We settled down a few minutes later, Blaise and Caden and I all lounging on Blaises bed, list in the freshmans hand, So weve completed three items, and were six days in to the second month. He groaned a bit, hiding his face in Cadens blazer. Hey, hey, its alright. The chestnut-haired boy reassured with a couple pats on Blaises shoulder, giving him that angelic sort of smile, Thats about four or five for the next months. Here, let me read off the easy ones, He sighed, taking the list from a still hiding Blaise and smiling, Lets see here number five, six, eight, nine, twelve, fourteen, sixteen, seventeen and nineteen. Blaise un-hid himself for just a moment to throw a judging glance to Caden, who continued in his amusement, Thats get a dog, make the dog love you, get too drunk, use Im dying as an excuse to get out of something, get kissed, do nothing but watch Harry Potter movies, break a heart, get arrested, and apologize to the Mr. Bubbles dude. He read off. This earned a chuckle from the young freshman, who gave his famous sort of smug, condescending smirk, Oh, I know. Its just that you forgot number ten. Caden blushed and shook his head, ruffling Blaises hair as he stood up out of the bed, Silly. I blushed too, of course. It seemed the more I read the unrepeatable-without-blushing-like-a-fool number ten, the more I understood it. And there were times when Caden and I did silly things but number ten wasnt a silly thing if anything, I found it completely terrifying. Beautiful, and warm, and nice, but confusing and terrifying and different andCaden and I were used to being teased for being different. I probably shouldve learned by then that maybe different isnt such a bad thing but, it wasnt a silly thing either. People were always unsure about different, whether it be having to sit at a different lunch table or having to learn that some people are different, whether it be by religion or sexual preference, or color, or political party. 74

McClendon Sad Songs Or YouTube layout. But then there was the day that I saw Caden all giddy and smiling at the ceiling for no reason whatsoever that I was aware of and then that warmth twisted up in my chest, and I thought for a moment that it was silly. It was okay to be different, and to act silly about being in well having a roma- a possibly romantic a-attraction toward Caden Bryans. The realization struck like a sudden burst of light in a dark, dark world. And maybe, it had been exactly that. I nodded in agreement, and Caden pressed his lips to Blaises forehead and whispered goodnight to him while I tucked him in and fluffed his pillow and made sure that he didnt have any of those weird acute pains he had told me about earlier. After about three checks and three runs around the kitchen to find anything to make him more comfortable at all, I finally settled in the spare bed beside my best friend, and I took his hand, and we fell asleep. Number ten wasnt so silly after all.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Eight

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McClendon Sad Songs I ended up staying up all night that night thinking about it- about Caden. In fact, I ended up staying awake a few nights, just thinking about how I could tell him. Maybe I could put a check next to number ten and let him find it himself, or just wait until it came up, until I was sure I couldnt hold it in any longer and I would just tell him, just right there. Maybe I wouldnt tell him at all At one point I was sure that I was sick. I felt warm and dizzy and my hormones were acting up so I was beginning to believe that I had caught some sort of weird, distorted cold. But Blaise convinced me otherwise as soon as I broke the thermometer out. I didnt tell Mr. Blanchard at our next band meeting on Tuesday, just for the sake of being right for a while longer. But every time I walked past those stupid glittery posters in the hallway with that stupid slogan and Caden and I standing next to each other with those stupid smiles, I just had to smile myself. The posters were attracting attention, anyway. People would smirk at them in the hallway when they passed, or take a moment to indulge their eyeballs with the glittery swirls all over the poster paper and then chuckle smugly because they all just shouted gay. On Wednesday, Blaise demanded that they go to the pet shop in the mall, a big store called Woof that sold whatever pet anyone could really even think of: Dogs, Cats, Iguanas, Snakes, and Rodents of various sizes and levels of vicious, fish, birds I especially liked the Sugar Gliders. In his new wheelchair, Caden and I pushed Blaise down the hallways of Greenwood after school and brought him down to the Indianapolis mall to go to the pet store. Blaise was half asleep even as we were on our way, his skin and lips dry and his eyes drooping and almost bloodshot from the lack of sleep he had gotten over the past two nights. He smiled weakly up at me and Caden, Number five and six. Piece of cake, right? Piece of cake. 77

McClendon Sad Songs It broke Cadens heart to watch Blaise so tired like that, and he smiled sadly back down at the freshman, humming in agreement to my confirmation. Really, Blaise had broken so many hearts already. We could check off number sixteen any time they wanted, but we waited for Blaises order. We made it to the mall in record time as we jogged down the street with Blaise in his wheelchair, pushing him all the way and laughing as he cheered, like a child was being pushed on a swing. Soon enough, the tan structure of Greenwood Park Mall came in to view and we headed inside, all the way across the place to the pet store. Blaise had a hold on his wallet- all of the money he had in his Wish fund- which was what his parents called it, anyway. His Wish fund was kind of like the money they gave him to spend until the point where he couldnt take it with him- in fact, its not kind of like that, its exactly like that. At Woof, we were greeted by a tall blonde woman, who practically bounced as she came up to Caden and Blaise and I, grinning. It was kind of strange to see an actual, like, female. Greenwood only had a couple female teachers, but besides that, no girls in the private school. And to be quite honest, none of us really even left Greenwood except for family outings, or whatever the jocks did (I imagined they went to Hooters or somewhere equally as objectifying-ly sexist) but they dont really count as humans in my eyes. Hey! She greeted the three of us, with an obnoxiously big smile before gesturing loudly to the name tag on her chest, Im Sara! If you need anything while youre looking around, just come and talk to me up at the front counter! Caden looked at her in disbelief, his eyebrows quirked and his eyes somewhat widened, Im sorry, how many cups of coffee do you have in the morning? He asked, earning a giggle from the peppy worker as she waved him off bashfully. 78

McClendon Sad Songs Blaises eyes had been locked on the barking puppies behind the glass in the back of the store the entire time, and I was sure he wouldve been over there by now if it hadnt been for the wheelchair he had absolutely no intention of getting out of. The corners of his lips were quirked up into a smile, and he looked at me all cute and I smiled, too. Its puppy time. Caden laughed, jumping up and down as he went to go push Blaise over to the dogs, You know, sweetie, we really arent even prepared for a dog. We havent got a bed, or food, or toys or knowledge He trailed off. It was clear that Blaises eyes were just locked to the dogs and he was only half listening. He looked with a charming smile up to Caden and said, happily, No, but we do have money and the internet. I laughed as I came up behind them, helping Blaise over to the little French bulldog that was nuzzling the corner of his cage in their direction and barking once, though the simple sound seemed to scare himself. The tag over the glass said that he was eight months old, a French bulldog named Shakespeare, and that it was completely ready to be adopted. Its name was Shakespeare. Shakespeare. Blaise cooed as he brushed his fingers over the glass, watching the puppy as it nuzzled them, Oh, you are just the cutest thing in the history of cute, arent you? Somehow, Caden convinced Blaine to look around at a few more pets while secretly he was already collecting things for Shakespeare, gathering toys and food and a bed in a big shopping cart. It was nice to see Blaise day dream like that, his eyes bright and full of a childlike sense of fun. It was like he had gained back the immortality his mind fooled him into having as a younger boy- it was sad, maybe but it was the good kind of sad. When Caden found Blaise sneaking another couple of things into the shopping cart, he sighed a bit, a smile playing at the corners of his lips, Alright, fine, lets go meet Shakespeare. 79

McClendon Sad Songs Blaise squeaked in appreciation and ran back over to the dog while I went to go get a worker and ask her if we could see the French bulldog in one of the vacant play pens. Sara, with her obnoxiously big smile and- I determined- at least eight cups of coffee, nodded and ran over to open the door to a pen for them, letting them in before bolting off to get the dog. I took out my phone and dialed Mr. Blanchards number quickly, putting it on speaker phone. He had given it to Blaise if he ever wanted to talk, and Blaise had given it to Caden and me for times like these where Blaise just simply didnt feel like talking or didnt have anything to say. When he answered, he answered with a low groan and, What do you want? This is my free period. O-oh, hey Mr. B! I said to the phone as Sara slipped Shakespeare into the playpen, the dog running all over the place excitedly. Caden shot me a judging glance, his eyebrows quirked up while I continued on the phone, Hey, hey, listen. Umm what experience do you have with hiding pets in dormitories? Blaise snorted at that, and then there was an incredulous sort of silent sigh from the teacher on the other line, to which all three of us barely contained our laughter. It was a while until Mr. Blanchard spoke, Oh, you kids are going to get me fired one day, I just know it Ill talk to the dean, alright? Its Blaise, Blaise is the exception. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. I would say no problem, but this is definitely a problem. Where are you exactly? Were in the pet store in the mall in a little playpen with a little cutie. Blaise answered, still cooing. Okay. Im going to go talk to the scary, scary dean about this. And you two are going to get the dog and then feel awful for making me talk to the scary, scary dean alone. Got it? Yes, sorry about that, Mister B. 80

McClendon Sad Songs Thats alright. See you later. The band teacher hung up with that, and Im pretty sure all three of us let out a sigh of relief, all in different tones that managed to seem particularly harmonious. Blaise stood up, taking out his Wish money and handing it to Caden as he rolled out of the playpen in his wheelchair and went to go get the cart that he had filled up with doggie supplies- along with a book on their behaviors, just for good measure. Sara awed when we all got back to the checkout counter and paid for all the supplies before talking to her about the dog, if it would be good in small spaces, what kind of precautions we would need to take to make sure that it was okay blah blah blah blah blah. I didnt listen in fact, it never struck me until I looked down at the caged puppy that Caden was carrying alongside Blaise in his wheelchair, still cooing that I thought oh my god, we just adopted a dog I think maybe. So, we brought it back to Greenwood and took the long way so no one would get suspicious over, you know, the giant bags of food and toys and the big dog bed and oh, the barking box that we were taking back to dormitory number one hundred twenty one. It was amusing the glances we got when we were talking back, though only Chris Hanover was remotely confused. Hey, bro? Brollo? Brozen Yogurt? Brostitute? Broster Meister Meister Broster? Brohemian Rhapsody? He called. I always waited a while to respond to Chris, simply because the nicknames he managed to come up with in that little brain of his were always so entertaining. Its a dog, Chris. Blaise sighed, interrupting the stereotypes bro session.

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McClendon Sad Songs Ignoring how the look of confusion expressed in his features remained exactly that way, we were off to go back to the dormitory, running down the hallway and pushing Blaise in his wheelchair into the room. It was sort of exciting, letting Shakespeare out of the cage for the first time. Check! Blaise shouted. Caden was already off to go put a checkmark next to number five on the list, shouting from the kitchen table four down, sixteen to go!. I contemplated telling him that, actually, we only had fifteen left to go; number ten was sitting there without the checkmark it rightfully deserved. But I wouldnt tell him that right there, right then. No, I was far too stupid to even consider that as a possibility, even though everyone in the school suspected it and one Blaise Luehrman was planning on teasing us about it every day no matter what I did. I set up the food and water bowls with food and water, setting them in the kitchen and then grabbing the dog bed to place between the two little dorm beds. As soon as it was set up, Blaise stood up out of his wheelchair and rolled on to the clean dog bed, humming contently as he snuggled up with Shakespeare, Mmm, puppy, puppy, puppy. When Caden came back, he had a big grin on his face and he grabbed me and dragged me down with him on to the big dog bed, Look, Blaise, now we both have puppies to snuggle with. He laughed. I assumed that he was just going to ignore the way my breath caught in my throat when his arms wrapped around my waist and his face buried comfortable in my neck. It was regular for us. We were affectionate like that. But I was starting to feel for lack of a better phrase, not so regular.

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McClendon Sad Songs We stayed there for a long time, just cuddling and falling half asleep when it was only about noon, and I tried to pretend that I felt like I always felt when Caden and I cuddled while I was really trying to understand what my feelings were actually doing. Blaise kept petting the puppy, over and over again until he moved away a couple inches and Shakespeare simply responded by snuggling right back up to him. Assuming he had finally pet the animal to the point that it was rather fond of him, he whispered Check, To the tired boy across from him. This earned him a slap to the shoulder. No one messed with a sleepy Caden Bryans. When we finally got the nerve to wake ourselves up and get out of bed, it was the fault of a restless knocking at our door. I stood up to go answer it, while Caden stood up to go check off number six, and Blaise didnt get up at all- Shakespeare doesnt have to get up, why do I? Five down, fifteen to go! Six. There were six down, fourteen to go and they had the good part of January and May and then two full months left to complete all of them. It would be easy, if you squinted both eyes and closed one and somehow forgot that Blaise would be gone in less than four months now, that Shakespeare would be left without his friend. I went to go answer the door to see Mr. B, who was holding up a letter from the dean of the school. He wordlessly handed it to me, and then winked and walked back out, closing the door behind him. I opened the letter as I walked back to sit next to Blaise again. The date was written in neat cursive in a corner of the paper, and the greeting was a cold sort of dear student, I began to read aloud. Dear students, I paused, Though its clearly written in the rules of Greenwood Academy, I, Dr. Baylor, permit you, Blaise Luehrman to keep a pet in your dormitory. By absolutely no circumstances is it allowed

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McClendon Sad Songs to roam around school property. If you walk it, it must be walked outside of the campus. Not in the courtyard, not in the hallways, and certainly not in the kitchen. This earned a laugh from Blaise, and from Caden, who was listening from the other room, It is in my best interest not to allow this, so if it reaches my ears that your pet has caused any trouble, it will be taken away and given to your parents immediately. Sincerely, Dr. Baylor. Blaise clapped excitedly and cooed down to Shakespeare, Did you hear that, baby? You can stay! It was sweet, the relationship between Blaise and his dog. It was like he just insisted on putting all of his love and devotion into caring for this little guy that he had just met this morning. Shakespeare was literally all his. Shakespeare, as far as we were concerned, only saw kindness in Blaise. He didnt see the special thing. He would never see it.

The next morning, everyone had dispersed. We had set up for Shakespeare, and the dog was passed out in his bed with Blaise passed out in his, and Caden had already gone to class, or breakfast, or wherever he was I was there. In the dorm, at the kitchen table, staring at that list and so, so tempted to cross off number ten already. January 10th, 2013. 7:15 AM. Outgoing call to Blanchard, Stephen.

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McClendon Sad Songs Mr. B, I have a problem. Yeah, your problem is that you always manage to call me during my free periods. No, I-its not, I have a problem, and it involves your honesty. Why did you have to be honest with me? Its my job as a supportive teacher. Supportive teachers lie so their hormonal students can pretend not to be in love with Caden Bryans!

There was a long silence on the other line after the little whisper-shouted confession, and then, a laughfollowed by a childish sort of tone as Mr. Blanchard sang:

I told you so, I told you so! Can you try to be an adult? My questions for an adult. Hey, dont talk to me like that, mister. Sorry, sorry I just Am I supposed to know how to do this? Do what? Well, lets see here. Im taking care of a cancerous teenage boy with my best friend who Ive managed to fall in love with, were taking care of a dog in Greenwood, and trying to get twenty bucket list items done before Blaise dies in less than four months! How am I supposed to do this?

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McClendon Sad Songs Another pause.

Jude Mr. B There isnt anything you can do to prevent mortality. As for the bucket list, you try your best. Blaise wont get angry if you guys dont finish it. Blaise cant get angry. As for the dog keep him in the dorm. As for Caden? Youll know. That doesnt help.

Mr. Blanchard hung up after that, and I could just see his grin as he took a slow sip of his water-cooler water and looked around the room at the other teachers. The smug glint in his eyes apparent, however un-telling. I could see how his smile softened once he really thought about it- when he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that I was the first one I had confessed out loud to. Im in love with Caden Bryans.

I woke up Blaise and got him in new clothes and helped him into his wheelchair, waving goodbye to Shakespeare for the day. We headed down to the Great Hall, where they were serving breakfast and

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden had been doomed to sit next to Robert and Chris, the two of them telling him stories of, what I assumed, was the latest football game. He huffed in relief when we locked gazes, and stood up, mumbling a quick excuse as he ran over to Blaise and I. He hit my arm, You know how many bro names he got through this time, Jude Holloway? Forty. That doesnt include the ones weve already heard. He scolded, earning a wince of sympathy from the freshman in the wheelchair. I patted Cadens shoulder, keeping a close eye on Blaise as he wheeled over to go get himself some pancakes or cereal or something, For your information, Mr. Blanchard and I were working on something very important to the list. I smirked, my arms folding across my chest as I felt a rush from the discreet confession. Oh, were you now? Caden asked, to which I nodded once and he, very interested, went on, Were you going to tell me of your very important working-on of the infamous list? Nope. I walked away with that, and as I stole a glance back at Caden once I had gotten in line to get breakfast, he was still standing right where he had been before, seeming amused and confused and somehow, happy. No matter what he was these days, he was happy, and that was good enough for me. As he came back to stand in line behind me for breakfast, he whispered, Snutch, Under his breath, and we both laughed for a while.

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Chapter Nine

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A few days later. Nearly a week had passed, and we hadnt gotten anything done since the arrival of Shakespeare. I didnt know why I was so worried about it: We still had loads of time to get the list done, but we had spent the good rest of the week lying in bed carelessly and catching up on homework and putting posters up. The Anti-Bullying meeting had gone nowhere on Friday, since we didnt plan anything for it- in fact, we had only planned to put posters up on Sunday, but those plans werent really plans so much as they were sentences. The third or fourth attempt at making a whole week without a mental breakdown had failed, as well as the twenty-eighth attempt at spending a day as an optimist. We determined a couple nights back that he had about a hundred fifty days left- a hundred fifty one to be precise. I never knew taking care of someone who was in their final months took so many maths. On Sunday, we finally put up all of the posters with Mr. B in the main hallways. They turned out pretty cool, I guess. The posters of Blaise were all splashed with red and blue like a real political poster that our history professor told us as he walked by, reminded him of Nazi propaganda. I guess this made Blaise feel pretty bad because he was just walking around the hallways the rest of that day, moping about how Mr. Lee of all people told him that he looked like Hitler in a poster that he had spent so much time working on last week and the week before that He had definitely gotten weaker. Caden and I had asked him a couple times over the past few days if he wanted to get a start on some other List items, but both times he said he was too tired, or he said that his breathing wasnt quite right, or that he was feeling a lot of that pain this morning and he just needed

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McClendon Sad Songs to lie down for a while. He was already talking about leaving school all over again, though he had really only been back in for three weeks or so. As we got back to the dormitory that day, Blaise just rolled straight to bed in his wheelchair and lay down. He didnt even bother to say hi to Shakespeare, as the dog just hopped in to the bed with him routinely at this point. He didnt say a word. I went straight to my bed with my bag to finish up some homework, but Caden had other plans. Hey, He whispered soothingly, in that musical sort of coo. He rested his hand on Blaises shoulder, the freshman still not looking at him, We should really try today, alright? We havent tried anything for a while. He nodded. Why are you touching me? Blaise asked. There were tears in his eyes and tears in his tone, and I sat up straighter when I heard it. Cadens face crumpled into a sad sort of confusion as his hand flinched away and rested awkwardly at his side, a small sigh slipping from his lips, I hate to be the first to break this to you, sweetie, but more often than not my hand is right- Im already gone. Blaise whispered, and he sat up in his sort of rage, angst washing over him. He crawled away from the calm touch of his close friend and shook his head, the hot, angry tears welling up in his eyes beginning to fall without permission, Im a number! Im a ghost! Im going to expire so soon, and everybody knows it! Everybody looks at me like Im not even there anymore and it just-! Blaise. It just sucks!

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden bit the inside of his cheek as a single sob ripped from Blaises throat and he curled up on the bed, burying all of his sorrows into his pillow that would be surely soaked soon. I sat on the edge of my bed, and took Cadens hand as the confusion on his face disappeared and all that was left there was pure sad. He took a few deep breaths, and then, slowly, brought out his hand to rest on Blaises shoulder once again. And Blaise just breathed, he just accepted it and let himself calm down. A start to the fifth week, and already he had failed number three; already, he couldnt make the week without a mental breakdown. Blaise was by far the most developed, moral freshman I had ever had the pleasure to know. There was always a hint of poetry to him, in the way he walked, the way he pushed on every single solitary moment. He had that sort of beautiful way of making a room better. He brought people together, he broke peoples hearts every day and he was no king. He was not any form of higher entity. He was a boy at an all-boys school in Indianapolis that had a very special thing. It was just too bad sometimes that thing was a tumor. Caden wordlessly helped the younger boy into his wheelchair, soft and swift as to make sure Blaise had no reason for protest, Where are we going? He asked, around a yawn, his eyes beginning to sting. Were going to church. It was strange that I didnt question it at all, going to church of all places. Three sworn atheists who hadnt the slightest idea what the use of a prayer was going to church. The thought of it was nice, though. I liked churches, I wanted to believe in it all, but I didnt and that was something I couldnt change, even if I did try.

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McClendon Sad Songs I didnt bother changing out of my Greenwood uniform, only re-gelled my hair for the day and put some food in a bowl for Shakespeare seeing as this was probably going to take a little while. So we made our way to the nearby church. It was a lovely building, described as Romanesque revival architecture. It stood tall in the middle of nowhere, dressed in sturdy gray bricks and stain glass windows that were, in all of their glory, breathtaking when the sunlight poured through them. Things in Indianapolis werent glorified very often, in fact the church, which was the best-looking thing in this place, hardly compared to the wonder of the McDonalds in New York City. But it was home, and it was a really nice thing to look at. Often, this church was empty, and I was about fifty percent positive as we went in, all holding hands, that this place was haunted. The lights were all turned off and it was cold and only a couple candles were lit so all the visitors could, as the sign above the candles said, Find their way to God. Knowing as much as I knew about churches- which, to cut myself some slack, was nothing- I had absolutely no idea where Caden was leaving us, but then we were in this big room where the sunlight poured in from the stain glass windows and hit the rows of benches and bibles and a big statue thing in the front of the sacred room. Blaise got himself out of his wheelchair, and weakly went to kneel down in front of one of the benches, and, assuming to follow him, I did the same. Blaise had told me a long time ago that his mother had taught him a prayer- only one. He said she never bothered with the rest because that one said it all. He said that she whispered the prayer to herself in the sobbing silence after Blaise confessed to her on the phone that his special thing was going to kill him. It was a Serenity Prayer. 92

McClendon Sad Songs He whispered it himself, in an aching sort of tone that broke at the end of every few words. Caden, despite how stubborn he managed to be here, eventually found himself kneeling beside me, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Blaise had closed his eyes, his hands pressed together and his head ducked down to press his nose to his fingertips. Caden didnt pray, instead he insistently took one of my hands to intertwine our fingers, letting out calm breaths. He didnt believe in it all; he would never believe in it all but he could not believe respectfully at the least. Blaise went on. Courage to change the things I can, As he whispered a prayer and I closed my eyes to listen, there were a thousand thoughts racing through my mind. I apologized to him in my mind, it was the only place it made sense. I was sorry that I couldnt save him. I could help him complete this list, I could hold his hand and make him smile and hate watch T&T with him until he fell more peacefully asleep, but I could not save him, And the wisdom to know the difference. And maybe that was the worst pain I had ever felt, I would ever feel, Living one day at a time, His pain would be over, Enjoying one moment at a time, But I would carry his scar, Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, I would keep the pain that he left behind, Taking, as He did, this sinful world, I would have to hold his memories with me close, As it is, not as I would have it, Oh, but if he could hold them for himself, Trusting that He will make all things right, Maybe maybe I could get more sleep at night, If I surrender to His Will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

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McClendon Sad Songs Blaise opened his eyes again with a slight smile over his lips. The praying didnt matter to him, it was the poetry. The meaning of the words as the celebrated a him- the only Him with a capitalized H, I might add- through promises of optimism. Optimism that Blaise Luehrman wanted. I wrapped my arms around the shaking freshman as his eyes, wide and full of curiosity swept across the church ceiling, studying its features. He was always shaking. He rested his hand over one of my arms and sighed a little bit; wordless as he stood up from my hold and walked around a little bit- despite how his legs were weak. So do you, umm do you believe in God yet? I asked, dumbly, earning a judging look from Caden, who sat beside me, still wordless. Blaise chuckled and shook his head, shrugging a bit, studying the walls of the church with his fingers now rather than his eyes, a gentle touch against the carvings and the statues and the delicate flowers surrounding them, I dont think its that simple. Im not believing in God, I think celebrating foolishness. Foolishness? I-isnt that a bit rude? You know, to the people who- I dont think so. Blaise smiled. His eyes were somewhat brighter now as he walked around the sacred room, his fingers finally reaching a couple stain glass windows that he seemed fascinated with, Foolishness is nice to have. A fool is a beautiful thing to be forever immortal, forever innocent and oblivious happy. He whispered, with certain breathlessness, The people who know Gods waiting for them They know something we dont. They know the best way to play pretend.

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McClendon Sad Songs He paused from his place when he noticed Caden smirking a little and looked back, What? Why are you laughing? He asked, putting his hands on his hips in defense. I dont know, its just kind of strange. Whats strange? Blaise, darling, youre feeling up a church. Caden chuckled finally, though he was trying not to laugh as evidenced by the hand that he brought up to cover his mouth and stop his giggles from escaping. When I started laughing as well, Blaise stuck his tongue out at me, and then simply walked away to go read a plaque about one of the statues toward the front of the room, muttering, Im not feeling it up, under his breath About fifteen minutes later, Caden groaning in his boredom for the entirety of those fifteen minutes, the freshman had been convinced to leave the church finally, and he sat back down in his wheelchair, sighing in resignation. I sighed, too, as I wheeled him back down the street toward Greenwood, I think Im gonna need another visit. At this whisper, I nodded, whispering back to him that we would go without Caden sometime- maybe next weekend or the weekend after that, or sometime. We would have to wait for the check, but I was okay with it there was a little part of me that was beginning to celebrate foolishness as well. I wandered, just to myself, if my whole world was supposed to turn upside down in my teen years first, I find out that Im in love with my best friend, now my atheism since birth faltered for a moment and I had to wander if it was supposed to do that, if it was going to do that again. I wasnt sure if I wanted it to falter again. 95

McClendon Sad Songs Celebrating foolishness sure did feel nice, though. There was a sort of hope there; a sort of desperation to hope, anyway. In there, Blaise was cured. In there, God would take him and he would be immortal, innocent, oblivious, happy he could be saved. In a church, saving him was no longer the job that I couldnt do. In a church, saving him was the job that a God- if there ever was one- could do. And it was pretty nice to pretend Blaise could be saved for a little while. We got back to Greenwood, and Shakespeare and dorm number one hundred twenty-one to see an envelope wedged in to the space in the closed door. Caden quickly took it out, his eyebrows knit together in curiosity when he took it inside and flopped down on the bed, routinely beginning the Toddlers and Tiaras marathon while ripping the letter open carelessly. Dear Bros, Caden began with a sigh, and then looked up to me while I helped Blaise to lie down, Its from Christopher. Ugh, I say we tolerate his grammatically errored letter for tomorrow. Agreed. When I turned to ask Blaise if he agreed as well, the boy had already fallen asleep, all cuddled up with Shakespeare in the dogs bed. Normally, I would want to move him to his own bed but I was too comfy and he looked that way as well- plus, the dog would strongly disagree as it seemed to already be preparing himself to growl at the thought in my head. Caden wrapped one arm casually around my shoulder, and I flicked off the lights and turned down the volume on the television marathon that we werent giving up just because a cancerous boy needed his sleep- no, that wasnt worth a few hours of watching old southern parents abuse their little, innocent daughters.

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McClendon Sad Songs Do you think were not getting this done fast enough? I asked after a moment, gaze still focused on the television. I think were right on time. Caden shrugged, his lips pressed together and his eyebrows furrowed in though, If you think about it this way The appointment was December 16th. Today is January 14th its not even been thirty days. He paused a moment, and nodded, Well be fine.

The next morning, Caden and I sat at the breakfast table. Blaise was there too, of course, it was just that he sort of dropped rather than sat, his head and arms rested on the surface of the cheap wooden table. We made small talk through bites of fiber-rich cereal (also known as cardboard). You know how I want to be preserved? Blaise asked- the subject matter quickly grabbing our attention from our soggy breakfast. He continued without acknowledgement, theres this thing called a Bio Urn I think its some sort of Swedish thing, but, anyway, they cremate you and then put your ashes in a Biodegradable Urn, and you get to choose what seed that your ashes germinate-er whatever and then you become a tree! Its so freaking cool. Caden quirked an eyebrow at Blaise and sighed a bit, a small smile tugging at his lips as the corners of his eyes crinkled up slightly, Well, its nice to know that youre thinking of that, He said, obviously sarcastic, What kind of tree do you want to be? I dunno. Blaise answered with a little laugh, I mean not really, I thought I wanted to be an apple tree but I really dont want people to eat me and I dont want to know if I taste good or bad.

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McClendon Sad Songs Well, you keep thinking of what tree you want to poetically give life to in five months or so, and Jude and I will go make some mac-n-cheese for dinner? Yeah? Yeah. Caden asked sweetly, cooing as he stood up from the Breakfast Table and patted Blaises shoulder. This was often Cadens way of getting out of talking about Blaise dying. It was probably his least favorite thing to talk about. And of course, I didnt blame him at all, but we had to talk about Blaise dying sometime if there was no chance of survival. Hell, only six percent living with pancreatic cancer made it five years- twenty four percent made it one. We were lucky to have him that long. Blaise didnt eat very much. Sometimes, he had a little bit of cereal; sometimes he didnt have anything at all. He was getting thinner, and I just had to pretend not to notice, because Id heard so many stories about how people with the condition often didnt eat and were only skin and bones when they died, faces sunken in and dry and pale, ribs poking out through small clothing. It was horrifying. I would do everything in my power to make sure Blaise ate. So, when Caden mentioned dinner, Blaise just hummed and went back to pondering his next life as a tree. After a few moments, he picked up the letter from Chris Hanover that they had received the day before, and opened it up just as carelessly as Caden had, ripping the paper a bit as he did so. He read it silently to himself and snorted a bit. I looked back to him from my place boiling water on top of the stove and opening the package of macaroni noodles, What? What is it? Chris invited us to a party at his brothers frat. What? This exclamation was simultaneous between Caden and I. 98

McClendon Sad Songs He says, and I quote: Dear bros, Im inviting you to a house party at Phi Sigma Kappa. My actual bro goes there, and like, Im pretty sure were next cuz lets be honest, no ones gettin out of this town and frats are the definition of awesome right next to that girl with the dragons on Game of Thrones- I mean, she gets points for the boobs, but wow. Its at the regular place on February 28th, broheme. Be there this time. Blaises continuous monotone made this twice as hilarious. And yes, we all knew what Phi Sigma Kappa was. They threw giant frat parties and invited practically the whole town as far as students went. It was no surprise to me that Chriss brother- who somehow got into the University of Indianapolis, dont ask me- was like the head bro there. We probably wouldnt go, but I did think about it every time Caden and I went to class without him after the breakfast we didnt eat, heading down to homeroom with separate mind-achingly-complicated thoughts about the end. The end that was only so far away- a hundred and twenty one days, if I were to be exact. It hurt, counting the days down like that, but I couldnt help it. I just kept counting them down and watching them dwindle away and I waited for the day that time would stop passing, that Caden and I would go on an adventure through a secret chamber conveniently placed in Indianapolis, and somehow, somewhere we would find the rewind button. Right before he went away, we could pull him back. I held Cadens hand tight when we walked into homeroom. And I took a breath. And I imagined. That there was a secret chamber in Indianapolis, and there was a rewind button. 99

McClendon Sad Songs That could bring him back. After hed gone.

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Chapter Ten

Three weeks later. February 5th, 2013. 7:02 AM. Outgoing call to Blanchard, Stephen

Jude. Wh- Hes still not back. Its selfish, Mr. B, but hes still not back. I want him back.

Three weeks ago, on the Monday Caden and I had gone to school without Blaise, we returned to an empty dorm room number one hundred twenty-one, a whining dog, and a note left on the desk. It was from Blaises mother, written by Laura. They said they had needed time with him, take him with them for a bit, and get the talks with the doctors that he had been avoiding lately without proper supervision I remember Caden weeping and trying to hide it when he read the note and sat on Blaises bed. Neither of us had an idea as to when the freshman would return to Greenwood, but there was a strong mutual feeling that he wouldnt be coming back- if so, only to visit.

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McClendon Sad Songs The Anti-Bullying thing had been going so well. We were walking through the hallways on Friday, Caden and I, and Caden had taken to pretending that he was pushing the wheelchair in front of him. We were halfway to sixth period when I heard Chris and Rob shouting, What are we gonna do? To a crowd of people who shouted back stand up, speak out!. The posters were hanging everywhere; there were more and more Confessions every meeting But Blaise wasnt around to see the effect that he had on this place. He had to say the magic word, Caden and I couldnt do it for him. He had to see. Blaise had called us a few days after his mother took him, said that he was really alright, told us what he knew (Which was nothing), and told us that he cried as soon as he got home, curled up with Laura- so, once again, number three was a no-go. I just prayed that his mental breakdowns could hold back once he was settled into his home- so that, he would have a nice checkmark to come back to. If he came back. There was always that if- when it came to Blaise Luehrman. And sometimes I just thought, man forgive my rude lack of philosophy here, but fuck that if.

Listen, Jude I cant help you here. He does belong to a family, you know. But the list, Mr. B- Caden and I are dying here! Hes dying. Youre helping him to be happy when he dies. A happy death isnt that an oxymoron? Not with pancreatic cancer, it isnt. 102

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A pause. I realized maybe a few days ago that my band teacher wasnt superman either. He brought me out of my shell when I started in high school, but he wasnt going to save a cancerous teenage boy, as much as I couldnt save him. The few years that made him an adult didnt make him magic. I hung up a few moments after my epiphany with a quick mutter of bye, Mr. B and headed back to my laptop in a storm of confusion. I thanked whatever higher entity there was that Caden had gone to the library to work on a science project as my eyes filled with hot, angry tears and I went straight to Google and looked up what can save a boy with a terminal illness? No relevant results. And then, I just typed in save him to the box as the realization began to creep up on me that not even Google- praise the Googly lord- could save Blaise Luehrman from his tumor, and when I pressed enter, the first result, which was an Advertisement, said something about a new medicine. And then the next advertisement said save your soul for God. The first thought in my mind was oh and then, wait nope, you my friend, are an atheist; a spiritual atheist, maybe, but an atheist. And after that, I had walked away from the laptop, and took to other means to try to calm myself down for a little while, if only a very little while. The Googly overlord had once again proven its ability to make me question my own life choices. Previous attempts include when I did a science project that required me to look up how long it took to

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McClendon Sad Songs burn a human body and then the dean of the school had to call me down to his office and make sure I wasnt a murderer after one of the boys told him what they found on my internet history. I made sure to be smart with my googling choices after that little incident, as I didnt feel the need to go to jail at the emotionally damaging age of seventeen. I thought about the church visit for a little while- staring at the stain glass and glancing around the room to see little traces of God in the glorified building that much resembled a Starbucks in New York City, and the little tug of Cadens lips as he tried, just for Blaise, to pretend that he was feeling anything but resentment toward the God he had never quite found the will to believe in. It was all, somehow, poetic.

When Blaise did return, it was the following day, and it was with this little girl attached to his leg, a girl with scraggly dark hair much like Blaises, and these green eyes that really werent anything specialagain, like Blaises, but were still noticeable to the extent that I felt they had been worth mentioning. Her face was all red and puffy, her eyes wet, and she was followed shortly by her mother as she tried to peel who was definitely, and undeniably Laura Luehrman off of her older brother. Caden jumped a bit at first when he saw Laura and then Blaises mom, Rachel, who looked nothing like them at all, to be quite honest. She picked Laura up successfully from where she had been clinging to Blaises wheelchair, whispering soothing things in her ear as she did so. Blaise looked over to me with a sort of apologetic smile, and I simply nodded to let him know that it had all been alright.

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McClendon Sad Songs Blaises mother, seeing how strange and silent the scene had been, put Laura down for a few moments to extend a hand to Caden and I, You two must be Blaises friends. She said, and I noticed how hard it was for Caden to keep from rolling his eyes right then and there. To be fair to him, all he had known of this woman was that she took Blaise away for three weeks with no contact and no understanding whatsoever, and even though she was the mother to a dying boy, it wasnt the best first impression. But then, that was really the second impression, because the first thing Caden knew about Blaises mother was that she gave them Blaise to begin with, and that had to automatically eliminate the fact that wed been worried sick about Blaise for the past three weeks after all we got was a note. I shook her hand first, and then Caden did, rather stubbornly, and then I went over, crouched down in front of Laura, and shook her hand too. I could hear the smile in Blaises voice when he said, Oh, you two would be best friends. Jude likes Katy Perry, too, Laura. I gasped, a little overdramatically just to make the younger girl laugh, You like Katy Perry? No way! Shes like my favorite person! The rest of the Luehrman family didnt end up leaving for a few hours. Caden and Blaise and I hung out with Laura, telling her stories about Greenwood Academy in attempts to make her laugh for a little while, and Blaise was especially kind in letting her snuggle with Shakespeare the French bulldog. Blaises mom went out to go get groceries for them, saying it was her motherly duty to do so. I pulled out the invitation from Chris Hanover, the frat party that he had been begging them to go to for the past three weeks, This takes place this Friday, for your information. I whispered to Blaise, and Caden hummed in agreement, still giggling from the past memory they shared with Laura (Which was, I admit with a groan, once again about Caden and I not being allowed in the boys locker room).

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McClendon Sad Songs Oh, were totally going. If Im not going to live to see my first real college party, Im going to my first fake college party. He decided finally, sighing, No one tells mom. Laura, Caden and I nodded in agreement all at once, only to start giggling again. Mrs. Luehrman and Laura left as soon as Mrs. Luehrman had gotten back and put all the groceries away. Of course, it took about a half an hour to say goodbye to Laura, Blaise trying to blink back tears shimmering in his eyes, but after a promise that they would visit her over the weekend, finally, finally, she stopped weeping, and left peacefully with her mother. I love her so much, Blaise whispered, to no one in particular when the door closed, taking his mother and his little innocent sister with it- and there was that sparkling moment of truth between words that sparked a stabbing pain in my chest. Caden wrapped an arm lazily around Blaises shoulder, and kissed his cheek in a soothing gesture. Blaise went on, Shes not going to understand until it happens. She thinks she understands, but she just doesnt. She doesnt understand the finality. Through expressions of that thought replaying from Blaises lips over and over again, Caden finally managed to hush him, to get him to agree to lie down for a while, just relax. We both helped Blaise to lie in bed, all cuddled up with Shakespeare the French bulldog, and trying to calm his breathing down from its current shakiness. Caden, with the food that Blaises mother had so generously bought for them, made up a few sandwiches for when Blaise was ready. He knew, as well as he knew his own last name, that Blaise wouldnt even attempt to eat a full one but it was worth a shot anyway.

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McClendon Sad Songs Laying across from the freshman, my best friend in the kitchen, it was then that I confessed what had been fluttering about in my mind for a full month now. With a deep breath, I whispered to Blaise, I think Im in love with Caden. Needless to say, it put a smile on his pale face. He brushed a strand of scraggly hair from his eyes and crawled over a little bit closer to me, Come again? He teased. Of course, he was only daring me to repeat it and a little bit louder, a little bit more courageously, I whispered, Im in love with Caden. Or at least, I think so. And no, its not because of that list. Its because hes my best friend and hes beautiful, and compassionate, and he has an attitude I would die for, and hes ambitious and trustworthy and thoughtful and silly and brave and creative and hes not afraid to hold my hand. And wow, that was the most Id ever allowed myself to really think about it; about why I was in love with Caden. Oh, Blaise murmured simply, playfully, Thats nice. Caden came in a few minutes later with a tray with three sandwiches on it, and handed one to me with a little smile, his cheeks flushed, and then put the other one on a plate on Blaises bedside table. How was your three weeks? He asked, ruffling Blaises hair as he sat down on the edge of the bed I was lying down on, between little smiles. Blaise shrugged, Heartbreaking, He murmured truthfully, I talked with mom and dad and Laura about what was going to happen, what the final stages were like, what Im feeling now we went out for ice cream a few times at an old park that I used to go to when I was a kid, He still was a kid, I mean when I was younger.

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McClendon Sad Songs Im tired of talking about my cancer, you know? Blaise groaned a little bit to himself, dropping back on his bed, Im so freaking tired of being defined by cancer. I just want to get out of this damn wheelchair and have fun, get a girlfriend. I dont even care if Im defined by my mortality! I just want a bigger number! He went on, groaning. Caden and I didnt quite understand- or at least, I couldnt say that I did. Blaise always had more poetic ways of saying Im dying and screw that shit. I placed a hand delicately on his shoulder and offered him a small, sad smile. It was then, after I finished my sandwich, of course, that I whispered something over to Caden, a question, and the slightly younger boy nodded in return, a replica of my sad smile ghosting over his lips. With that, I got Blaise back up and put him back in his wheelchair, and ignored the questions he asked with his eyebrows furrowed, Where are we going? Jude? Im tired, where are we going? If you think Im getting out of this wheelchair after the weeks I had-! Trust me. That shut him up for a little while. We went without Caden this time. I wheeled Blaise all the way down the street, and down the next street, and the next, until the road delivered us to the old, Roman-like building with the big, stain glass windows and the sturdy bricks that kept the sacred figure standing since it was built in what mustve been the seventeen hundreds. When I turned his wheelchair toward the church, and began to wheel him toward the stone ramp that had been very newly built, he whispered, Oh, And smiled very softly, his touch feather-light as he pressed his hand against the stone wall.

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McClendon Sad Songs I opened the big, grand doors to the church and pushed him inside carefully, glancing over the candle-lit sign between the doorway and the cathedral that said Find your way to God, even in the dark. I caught Blaise glancing at the sign as well, and he sighed as he looked back down across the marble floor, as if urging me to keep walking him forward, Why does no one ever tell me when theyre dragging me to church? Thats a good question, kiddo, I mumbled as I pushed him back in, to the benches we had kneeled in front of a while ago, and helping him out of his wheelchair in order to kneel next to me, A question that I have no idea how to answer. I had a tendency for that; not knowing the answers to good questions. Blaise chuckled a little, low and somehow cold as he folded his hands together and looked up to the front of the cathedral and tried real hard: He pushed his body forward, holding his breath and squeezing his muscles as if it would get a prayer out of him, his face turning red as he squeezed. I laughed slightly at his attempts, and patted his shoulder, Come on, for real this time. He didnt say anything, only smiled and closed his eyes. I folded my hands in front of me as his were, and pressed my nose to the tip of my index finger- to me, the bow of my head seemed an act of respect toward any higher entity lingering in the air of the room, but to Blaise, it looked an awful lot like I was picking my nose. Cmon, thats gross, Jude. He whined, to which I picked up my head and laughed, What? Im not doing anything! Yes, you are, dont pretend I didnt see! Its gross- especially in a church!

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McClendon Sad Songs Since when was attempting to pray considered gross in a church? Since trying to pray involved you sticking your finger up your nose! I threw my head back and laughed a bit up to the ceiling. Slowly, I sat up straighter and shook my head, Im not picking my nose. Can we go back to praying please? Blaise sighed and grinned after a moments thought and a condescending hum, Alright. But Im keeping my eye on you. He warned, amused with his misunderstanding as he went back to his own attempt of prayer. Okay. And then, we both went back into the position, hands folded, eyes squeezed shut as we were trying to focus. It mustve been then that we realized, aside from the prayer that Blaise had told the week before, we knew none. So you gonna talk, buddy? Blaise asked, smirking and keeping his eyes closed. I was kind of hoping you were gonna get this one, Blaise, sorry to rain on your parade, but people whove been atheists ever since they could talk dont generally spend their time memorizing prayers, I whispered back to him. Both of our sets of eyes were shut, and I could hear the wittiness when he laughed. Well, now you know, He teased, his laugh light and short, The next time you meet a cancerous teenage boy, in the literal sense, you have to start memorizing prayers. Thanks for that.

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McClendon Sad Songs I ended up taking my Z-Phone out from my pocket and googling prayers- as somehow I managed not only to have not learned that I cant get everything from Google, but also I managed to have been surrounded by Bibles and chose, instead, to Google a prayer. It was a nice metaphor (If it wasnt so sickening). I let Blaise keep his eyes closed as I read off the screen that seemed to light up the whole room, though somehow- notice the sarcasm- less sacred and magnificent than the stain glass windows that had taken the job of illuminating it, Dear Lord of Mercy and Father of Comfort I sat back on the marble floor and watched Blaise as I prayed off of my phone. I watched his peacefulness, how his eyes went from squeezed shut to simply resting as he relaxed into the soothing words: A Healing Prayer. I imagined Caden was holding my hand next to me, and for a moment, I was relaxed too. You are the One I turn to for help in moments of weakness and times of need. I read slowly, taking my own time to understand the poetry as words of praise fell from my lips to an invisible man in the sky, a man in crosses and stars and clouds and the glass of giant cathedrals. All built for him, they were, they were all built for one man who never even bothered showing up to his own birthday party, Dear Lord, I ask you to turn this weakness into strength, I always wandered, as many did, as all did, why He wouldnt come back if it was his full ability, Suffering into compassion, sorrow into joy, But then I thought, And pain into comfort for others, for a fleeting, hopeless moment, May your servant trust in your goodness and hope in your faithfulness, even in the middle of this suffering, that maybe there were too many Houses of God for him to show himself. There is no perfect man, Let him be filled with patience and joy in your presence as he waits for your healing touch, And thats all He couldve been- a man, Please restore you servant to full health, my 111

McClendon Sad Songs Father, Except if he was an alien, Remove all fear and doubt from his heart by the power of your Holy Spirit, and may you, Lord, be glorified through his life, Which, lets face it, As you heal and renew your servant, Lord, may he bless and praise you, would be so much cooler. I shut my phone off, and Blaises breathing picked up again from the calmness, the peace it had settled into during prayer. I looked at him, and waited for the infamous check as Blaise sort of sat there for a moment or two, his shoulders slumping and his eyebrows knit together in thought. I waited, and waited, and waited, until I finally, hopefully asked. Yes? No. Blaises response was quick and sure and followed by a sigh, Not yet, at least. I dont think so, A pause, and then an addition, Well come back again.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Eleven

Blaise and I ended up deciding to go to the church again on Saturday, after the frat party that he was absolutely positive he needed to be at. I figured, anyway, that our souls would need a little cleansing after paying Phi Delta Sigma a good visit. Hell, my soul needs cleansing every time Chris Hanover called me a brostitute, and now I have to bring Caden and cute little innocent freshman fifteen-year-old Blaise Luehrman to his brothers obnoxious celebration of the Red Solo Cup? Terrifying. On Sunday, we would try for number fourteen- to spend an entire day doing nothing but watching Harry Potter movies. It was our only free day, anyway, and Blaise told us to go ahead and knock that one off the list since he hadnt slept in the last month with or without movies. He didnt eat and he didnt sleep and he didnt get any stronger, and I blamed it on Alien God because he was too busy in his houses to heal my friend. On Friday morning, the day of the party, I sat at the kitchen table with Caden and took his hand again, the action an immediate relief. Liar, He mumbled to himself, Blaise is. Said he didnt get any sleep. Blaise was passed out on his bed with Shakespeare the French bulldog, the dog cuddled up loyally, close to his owner. I was pretty sure Blaises hair managed to be messier than Shakespeares.

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McClendon Sad Songs At this, I laughed a long with him. We had goals just as Blaise had goals, and my goal, really, had been to make sure Blaise could sleep and eat. Now, Im not one to brag, but my total lack of effort certainly paid off in this aspect. Blaise only ever agreed to go to school on Fridays, just to check in on mission Stand Up, Speak Out. And I had a feeling that this Friday would be a good day for him; I had a feeling that I would get one of those long-awaited checks soon enough, after our anxiety-filled drought. My mom told me that there were good lies and bad lies. Like, Lies that were told for the sake of saving someones feelings and lies for the sake of hurting someone else, or just for your own benefit despite rules. I think hes a good liar. I whispered over to Caden. A good liar, He repeated in agreement, A true liar. It was a good half an hour or so when Blaise woke up and groaned as he rolled out of bed, Shakespeare whining as he lost all of his morning cuddles to the pre-homeroom-get-your-asses-out-of-bed-wereserious-this-time bell. Caden helped him into his uniform and shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. Blaise squeaked as his mouth was intruded by the spoon, jumping and trying to swallow quickly, Jeez, okay, okay, you could ask. I could. But Caden was just about done asking Blaise to eat and then watching the boy avoid the food at all costs as if he were actually allergic to the simple act of eating a small bowl of cereal or two in the morning.

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McClendon Sad Songs I could see it, how exasperated and exhausted he was from constantly trying to keep an eye on Blaises dwindling health. It wasnt so much that he was tired as he was scared and he wasnt ready and he was anxious, worrying that the freshman would drop dead, without warning, any second now. Doctors werent always right, and Caden knew that. He knew doctors werent always right and he knew that no one knew what would happen after Blaise died. It was an ongoing pain that started at the string of sunlight spilling through the windows to the awkward conversation in mid-afternoon that ended in the blinking back of rebel tears to the last minute of consciousness as I lay awake in bed and think about how odd it is to curl up on a unit of cushion and go unconscious for almost half a day- when theres so much to do and not enough days to do them. Blaise put his black and yellow blazer on and sunk back into his wheelchair, letting Caden wheel him out of the dormitory and out into the hallways for yet another boring school day consisted of constant notknowing. From the freshman, who had been moving locks of messy, sleep-damaged hair from his eyes, looked up to the boy behind his wheelchair and offered him a small smile, Thank you. We reached the intersection of the freshman and junior halls, where we usually passed Blaise over to Rob or another one of the guys. Caden stopped his wheel chair in the usual spot and stood next to him, taking a quick glance through his own school bag to make sure that he had everything before he went off to class. It was then that we saw the unthinkable. Witnessed it before our blind eyes.

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McClendon Sad Songs The jocks, the nerds, the Asian kids, the potheads, and the theatre guys- they were all heading toward us. They were all together, a-and and happy. They were smiling, Chris and Rob leading the group in a practical parade. He ran over to Blaise, and poured a bottle of Gatorade on his head while Rob pulled a little cheap confetti cannon in our general direction. Blaise squeaked, a little of the Gatorade pouring in his mouth and he mumbled, Food is not my friend today, and continued to try to shove the Gatorade off of his pants. I shot Chris a questioning glance as I went to catch a few squares of confetti, smirking at a very wet, cheered at, tired Blaise as he giggled up at the crowd some more. The jock jumped, Oh, explaining things, yeah we probably should get on that. He mumbled over to Rob, whose jaw dropped a little while his eyes widened and he waited for an explanation. Rob stepped forward finally and offered the three of us a little smile, We all got together a couple days ago to talk It actually turns out these guys are pretty cool. He laughed, gesturing to one of the theatre dudes, who awed in return to the acknowledgement. Blaises smile flicked that little bit wider, and he nudged the one of Cadens hands that rested on the arm of his wheelchair. I was convinced at this point that if Blaise smiled any wider than he already was, his face would actually go numb and fall off. After the laughing and the nudging between the jocks and the other various stereotypes, Chris Hanover knelt down in front of Blaises wheel chair and offered him a real, genuine smile. Bros? He asked, extending his fist closer to Blaises fist. The younger boy rolled his eyes, albeit a tiny bit fondly as he nodded and fist-bumped Chris right back, Bros. He answered, then looking to Caden and I and whispering, Check.

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McClendon Sad Songs With that, he was captured and surrounded by the crowd of people. Rob took him to wheel him to homeroom, while the other guys around them cheered and whooped and shared stories about their various adventures in actually getting to know each other, how Blaise brought them together. When I turned to Caden this time, the two of us the only ones left in the lonely intersection between the freshman and the junior hallways, he was wiping away tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, Sorry, sorry, I just- At the thought of how nearly hysterical Caden was, I chuckled. My arms, always warm and open, wrapped around him, and I smiled just as wide as the younger boy had when he hugged me just as close, sniffling, Hes just so beautiful, Caden continued, Hes a miracle. He cures people and h-he cant-. Shhh, I continued to hush him, to hold him close, and then we were both laughing teary laughs and pretending that we werent so damaged after all. Slike home, you know. Caden said against my shoulder that had now been wetted with tears, only a whisper in the quiet hallway. Greenwood? I asked. No, Caden said. Greenwood was hardly home to him, only a building, Here. Amidst my confusion to the meaning of Cadens words, one of the boys gentle hands placed tenderly over my heart, and I pulled away slightly only to see him smile at me. For a split moment, or maybe even two, I thought I could see the love in his eyes. I knew he could feel how my heart quickened under his touch.

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McClendon Sad Songs But just as I had opened my mouth to speak again, Mr. Crawford opened his door and crossed his arms over his chest, raising his eyebrows at the both of us as the get-your-asses-in-homeroom-and-pray-to-aflag bell rang, So are you two coming in or not? I was sure Caden would later inform me of my resemblance to a tomato as well as a terrified child as I dropped my best friend completely and cleared my throat and flushed a bright shade of red. In the silence, that was most definitely of the awkward variety, I re-collected my school bag, and headed back over to the big man in the bright green t-shirt (That he just never took off).

After the ninth period bell rang, I headed back to homeroom alone from my band lesson with Mr. Blanchard. I spotted Blaise down the hall, and he still seemed all sticky from the Gatorade that had been poured on him this morning, and infinitely surrounded by students who wanted to thank him for the sudden change. We still had a meeting, today, anyway, even if this had been resolved. The student body had to give the school board time to notice how well they were beginning to get along. I ran over to Blaise to talk quickly just before I had to go to the meeting. He gave me a big smile, You know whos been acting rather giddy lately? He asked, nudging my arm with a grin and a wink. I resembled a tomato again. Now, I was never one to giggle much. I laughed, sometimes condescendingly, and sometimes I really genuinely chuckled- I just didnt giggle. I say this with all due respect- Im not that gay. But when Blaise mouthed Caden to answer his own question, I flat out giggled.

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McClendon Sad Songs Blaise paused for a moment or maybe even two and then he put both of his hands on my shoulders and forcefully pushed me down on my knees in front of his wheelchair, so he could look me clear in the eye when he said, grinning, Jude Holloway, did you kiss Caden Bryans? To this, I giggled just a little more and quickly put my hand over his mouth, Blaise! People will- people will hear you. And people will hear you and Caden when youre off fu- N-no, no, Blaise, we didnt kiss. We arent-! We just arent. The freshman boy quirked an eyebrow at me and patted my shoulder, You arent yet. He corrected, with that grin that hadnt faded the slightest bit since hed come to school at eight in the morning. He moved his hands from my shoulders and gave me a wink before he began to wheel off to homeroom with the guys who had surrounded him again, Get to class, Holloway! I was unable to hide a smile as I turn away and practically ran to Mr. Crawfords room. The meeting had started without me, but the meeting wasnt what I cared about. So I walked in, trying to look cool as I sat beside Caden in our regular seats and took his hand and listened to Mr. Crawford go on about how wonderful it was that everyone was participating now- or at least that there had been a noticeable difference since the last meeting. Stealing glances between us (You know, Caden and I) was never irregular. But right now, the glances being stolen were about three times more often than usual. He would look at me and then I would give in and look at him seconds later, and every so often I caught him looking at me and we both giggledthough trying to keep quiet. It didnt work. 119

McClendon Sad Songs From the Confessions Cam, there had been over twenty videos for the meeting. There were even more than that week that the jocks discovered the pranks they could make up with these videos. Mr. Crawford let out a big breath and a thick laugh- one of those adult man laughs that wasnt quite a chortle and wasnt quite a chuckle, Well, umm I think we better get started, then. The class whooped in agreement to his decision, and he pressed play finally on the first video which would continue into the next, and the one after that, and the one after that, and so on The first one was Chris Hanover and one of the theatre kids- named Jack. They both smiled to the camera as Chris spoke, I never realized how awesome this kid is. I mean, he can act, sing, and dance? I guess Im just really sorry for calling all of my new bros losers. I cant dance for my life. The next was Rob, Theres so much I didnt know about the rest of the Greenwood guys. I feel like Blaise is the most diverse kid Ive ever known Im the one who made the petition not to let Caden and Jude into the boys locker room, and Im sorry. Im really, genuinely sorry, guys. Caden squeezed my hand. The confessions went on. I want to be in the schools next production. I want to join football next season- Blaise made me understand that- Im friends with a white guy now... I stopped smoking pot. I mean I tried for about an hour I tried to do a sport, but then I was like- I helped Chris study the other day. It was sort of nice; he made me feel included

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McClendon Sad Songs The Confessions went on in a long string of little video clips. There was not one teacher this time, not one prank, not one old music teacher that needed to get something out of her hair after thirty years. It was amazing. When I turned to Caden, there were tears new in his eyes. And this time this time, I just let them go I let a few of my own fall as well. Blaise Luehrman had been like a giant bandage over hundreds of hormonal teenage boys dressed up like bumblebees daily. It was a pure miracle. So I cried, just a little bit- for all of the cuts that would be uncovered when Blaise had gone. By the time we had gotten through all of the Confessions, it was time for Mr. Crawford to release us, but no one immediately went. We all sat in that same circle, and pulled out the list of rules that each teacher kept about not bullying others, and we talked for a while- really talked. We talked about what it meant to be bullied, to be a bully, to feel excluded. We talked about how we felt when we saw others hurt like that, and how guilty we felt when we didnt do anything at all which was, truthfully, nine out of ten times. I knew I was an idiot, but nothing made me feel as stupid than walking down the hallway, seeing tears on someones face and not caring enough to help. It was like that dream I had when I was younger and first exploring death; there were two towers and five minutes left until they would both explode. In the first tower, my brother Peter stood waiting for me to save him, and in the next there were twenty people waiting for the exact same thing. No matter what happened, each time I dreamt up the scenario, I always saved Peter without a second thought. Screw the greater good- I want my brother back.

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McClendon Sad Songs But every morning after that dream I would wake up and wish that I couldve saved those twenty innocent screaming people and let them return home to their own families. The guilt was the worst part. The guilt of subconsciously leaving twenty complete strangers to blow up in a tower in a vague, nameless, crayon-colored countryside. After all of the talking, a few tears, a few really good laughs, Caden and I returned home to dormitory number one hundred and twenty one, where Blaise had been (im)patiently waiting for us to arrive. He sat there in his wheelchair with Shakespeare in his lap, his sunglasses on despite the fact that the party would probably be a little on the darker side- in both the physical and the abstract sense. He looked up to me first and grinned as he whispered, Party time. To this, Caden snorted, and put on a pair of sunglasses, urging me to take a pair as well as he ran to go check off number seven on the list. I did so in obedience, and with a sigh of resignation (Yes, were really going to a real frat party in Indianapolis of all real places) I put Shakespeare the French bulldog on the floor from Blaises lap, and resumed position behind the freshmans wheelchair And we were off. By this unfortunate time, I was regretting my decision to let Blaise have his way and go to a frat party because this was not recommended for sick people. I just imagined Doctor Knightley as Blaise explained why his pains had become too much to tolerate, how he would look at me with those ancient eyes of his and sigh disapprovingly as he gave Blaise some more pain relief pills that werent going to work like all

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McClendon Sad Songs the rest of them had not worked, and Caden would sigh in harmony with the doctor and lean over to whisper to me do you think its the hangover?. To which I would just shrug and hope that Dr. Knightley hadnt heard the word hangover come from us. Sigh.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Twelve

Dear Jude Holloways sober brain, Please remind yourself how AWESOME this is. Have you ever seen Caden Bryans drunk, sober brain? Nodidnt think so, seriously get on that ship. I just want to be as cool as this party, bro. Is it okay if I call you bro?

Dear Jude Holloways drunk brain, Hey its me. First off, no, you cant call me bro, thats Chriss job. Second, do not. Touch. Caden. Or put any more alcohol in him, remember, youre in charge of hangover clean up- or maybe thats me. ThirdlyWHERE IS BLAISE?

Dear Jude Holloways sober brain, Relax broheme. Sall good. Caden can take care of himself, and Im sure Blaise is fine. I just misplaced him a little bit. Probably off with a girl er summ. 124

McClendon Sad Songs

Dear Jude Holloways drunk brain, HOW DO YOU MISPLACE A CANCEROUS TEENAGE BOY?

Dear Jude Holloways sober brain,

Dear Jude Holloways drunk brain, I look, Im sorry for yelling, dude, just just find Blaise, okay? Find Blaise and try to get Caden away from those margaritas. A-and for the love of god, stop trying to pretend you know how to play and are actually good at beer pong.

Dear Jude Holloways ASSHOLE sober brain, Youre not my dad. These guys are my FRIENDS!

I dont even remember what happened when I got to the party. I was worrying about Blaise and then we came to the frat and Chris was there and so were a bunch of scary college people and then I had a drink and I found out I was a lightweight (whatever that means)

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McClendon Sad Songs I remember stumbling into Caden and Caden stumbling into me, and I remember asking Chris how many gays there were at this party just so I could get a little more jealous. Turns out there werent any, as far as he knew, so you would think my hormones would calm down a little bit. Spoiler alert here, they didnt. They didnt at all. It was about two hours into this obnoxious celebration of the red solo cup that Blaise wasnt in my sight anymore, but at that point with a good three, or four, or five or seven drinks in me, I couldnt care less. The lights were a mess all over the house. There were strobe lights in the party room and the lights were on in the kitchen because food and beer pong take lights apparently. The music was blasting out of the cheapest speakers from the Salvation Army that these boys could find. I was sure my ears would be ringing by the end of the night, anyway. As I showed off my dance skills- or lack of them- in the middle of the strobe-lit floor, I watched Caden do the same over in the corner by the snack table, while talking to some poor little slutty high school girl and clearly trying to convince her to put her shirt back on. He winked at me in between loud gestures to the smaller girl. And a few good moments after that wink I started feeling dizzy, awfully, immensely dizzy, so I did what any idiot like me would do and I went to go stand by the snack table to regain balance, Red Solo Cup still in hand. It was then that I saw Blaise. He was headed toward me, with this girl wrapped around him- a blonde girl I recognized but only vaguely. His wheelchair nowhere in sight, his hair growing messier by the second and his tie undone and tied around his head. Now, call me crazy, but Im pretty sure that stereotype wore out in the 90s.

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McClendon Sad Songs Check, He shouted to me over the blaring music as he walked up on the other side of the emptying snack table. On what number? I shouted back. Twelve and Eight! Number eight- Get too drunk. Number twelve- get kissed. I laughed a bit to myself as I remembered the two, but then at the memory of a certain number twelve I looked back to the familiar blonde who was now dancing by herself in the middle of the floor. I looked back to Blaise and laughed just a little bit more, Whats her name? It took a little while for the freshman to process the question, and when he did, he looked back proudly to the blonde girl who had kissed him just moments before, Her name is Sara! She helped us at the pet store, remember? To which I burst out laughing once again. It wasnt actually that funny, I suppose, just the laughing juice in me, as Chris referred to it on multiple occasions, Nice, dude, nice. He nodded in agreement as he took a glass from the tray of jello shots, nodding as he pressed it to his lips. The music slipped in and out of focus, the lyrics only hitting me so much at a time. It was definitely The Beatles, I knew that much. Probably Cadens doing: Let me take you down Im going strawberry nothing is real and nothing to get hung Strawberry Fields forever Living is easy A little silence, and then I hate The Beatles, Blaise mumbled in between jelly shots.

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McClendon Sad Songs No you dont. The younger boy scoffed, Yes, I do. He said, his eyebrows knit together in a haze, They dont know anything. Dying is whats easy, I know, Ive been doing it for months! I paused for a stunned moment. Yes, even when drunk, Blaise Luehrman was impressively profound. And just as I thought Blaise was about to crash from his high and fall to the ground sobbing, crawl back to wherever his wheelchair was, Sara came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist and grinned, Cmon, sweetie, lets go dance. She slurred. He nodded in agreement and forced himself to calm down, but as I saw him disappear in to the crowd of people I saw that he still got into that wheelchair in the corner.

The rest of the party from there was a blur. It was two in the morning and at least four margaritas with Caden later that my best friend stood up to go get a snack and then immediately tumbled back down into his seat, whining. He blinked his eyes a few times, and grabbed for my arm. I dont think I was sober enough to catch him, but I tried to, and that was what counted. Take me home, He murmured, Mtired. To this, I was about to obey, but I quickly changed my mind, Cad-Ca-a-den, we have no way of gettin home. Amere Cans I tell you a secret? He nodded, and I leaned in non-gracefully right next to his ear and whispered, with no self-control at all, I think mdrunk. 128

McClendon Sad Songs Cadens eyes went sarcastically wide and he giggled again, his hand squeezing my shoulder, Well find someone to drive us, mkay? Mkay. Now, go man, go. I wanna get my cuddles on. I nodded obediently to Caden, and went to go find Blaise in his wheelchair again. I didnt even think I could stand straight at this point, with three beers, four margaritas, a bunch of jello shots keep in mind; Ive just learned that Im the definition of a lightweight. When I found Blaise all curled up with Sara, who was still trying to get him to dance despite his obvious wheelchair-ism, I tapped the younger boy on the shoulder to get his attention, Dude, we gots to go homes. Cadens soooo tired. Im going to interrupt this for a moment with some nice, boring sober-minded thoughts. I have no idea what made me think it was okay to leave Blaise, who was dying, and wasnt even allowed to be at a party like this, alone at exactly this party. But when I approached him, he insisted, in a convincingly confident tone, You guys can go, Im gonna catch a ride with the DD when he drives Chris back. Also, at this point in the game, by DD, I didnt know if Blaise meant designated driver or that high school slut with obnoxiously big boobs. I assumed he meant designated driver. You know what? A-llsright, dude. You havvve fun witcho gurl. I slurred back at him, throwing my hands in the air to apparently demonstrate my basic character intelligence. I really, truly apologize to whoever I need to. So I went over to Rob, who was thankfully not drunk at this point, and handed him the keys to my car with a smile and a whisper of, Youre driving us home now.

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McClendon Sad Songs I wandered what it was like to be Rob right now. He had just sort of stood and laughed the entire party with the other only sober guy there. And, if I were in his place, I probably wouldve too to be quite honest- watching everything ever learned in English and Health classes go to waste as a bunch of college guys drank limitlessly and tried to sound cool even as their speech slowly became non-existent. Caden stood up, and then fell back down again, and I sighed overdramatically before picking him up and carrying over to my shoulder, the other drunken boy yelping and reaching for the ground again. We reached the parking lot and Rob found our car quickly, only to open the door to the backseat and push us over so we tumbled on top of each other ungracefully. Caden yelped again as he straightened himself out, and caught his breath through all of his giggles. Soon enough for the two of us, Rob began to drive us back to Greenwood. It was our home, if that meant anything at all. I watched out the window, and I looked at the stars, which were twice as fascinating now as opposed to when there wasnt a bunch of alcohol going to my head. Caden was all tangled up with me in the backseat of my car now, and he was watching out the window as well. I honestly wouldve spoken him the entire way, but I feared that if I had- I wouldnt be able to regain self-control, as the entire party I had absolutely no self-control. The ride ended and we were dumped off to Greenwood, back to dormitory (say it with me now) number one hundred and twenty one, a very nervous, noisy little Shakespeare the French bulldog, and I list that was stripped of two more items with a confident stroke of pen. I crawled in to bed, and Caden dove after me, immersing me in all of the hardcore-affectionate- cuddles that he could muster at that exact point in time.

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McClendon Sad Songs We fell asleep. I wouldnt quite call it a rude awakening when the phone rang at five oclock in the morning, because, since I had been worrying about Blaise in the back of my head since Caden and I left the party, it was nice to wake up to his name on the caller ID. However, what I was greeted with was less than ideal. Check, Blaise mumbled hoarsely. It was quiet on the other line besides Blaises voice and a few of his sniffles, which worried me. Unless there had been a murderer at the house who left Blaise and only Blaise to die on his own time, the freshman had, without a doubt, left Phi Delta Sigma. I went over to the list and took a shaky breath, O-okay, um which number? Seventeen. I took a nervous peek at the list and groaned, Please, Blaise Luehrman, for the love of God, tell me you arent calling me from jail right now. There was a long silence from the other line, in which I put the phone on speaker so a stirring-awake Caden could hear this too. It mustve been three minutes before Blaises voice filled the room through the phone again, Jude, just come pick me up, okay? It wasnt anything bad. It was definitely something bad! Youre in jail. This was on the list. You cant yell at me if you knew it was going to happen! Excuse me for thinking that there was some sort of cute loophole there. I might sound crazy to you, Blaise, but normally, people dont want to get arrested! Oh, for gods sake, just come get me out of here. And um you might want to bring a couple hundred dollars for bail

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McClendon Sad Songs He hung up as the officer told him his one phone call was over, and I took the pen from the kitchen table and checked off number seventeen- get arrested. I, then, threw the pen at Caden lightly, Caden. Get up. We need to go pick up Blaise from jail. To which the other junior, very casually and very tiredly and very, very drunkenly mumbled, You go; Ill catch up with you later. I, with my history of leaving people places and thinking it was a good idea, just left Caden there and assumed it was fine as I ran down the hallway to go get Rob and drive me down to the jail to pick up Blaise. We could call the doctor some other time and check him out or whatever, I kind of assumed since a few days ago that Blaises mom had done all that doctor-ish stuff that Caden and I knew nothing about and Blaise avoided at all costs. We were back in the car less than ten minutes later, with Rob just as terrified as I was. I was slightly less drunk now, maybe, but in Health class in middle school we learned that it took an hour for every drink to like go away, and I was pretty sure that it hadnt been seven hours plus jello shots since two in the morning; so no driving for me. As we went down the vacant rode to the jail a few miles away, I continued to regret my decision to let Blaise near any alcohol whatsoever.

Dear Jude Holloways drunk brain, You really screwed up.

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McClendon Sad Songs Dear Jude Holloways sober brain, I know.

I tried to pretend that I would never screw up with Blaise. I really did try. I screwed up with everything. I didnt do homework in middle school often, I didnt do anything to fix Caden when he was depressed every morning and missing school, I didnt fix the school for him. I couldve done it. I couldve helped. But then, there I was, blaming a little boy- he was only a boy- for landing in jail because I left him at a party I shouldnt have let him go to in the first place. I couldnt help but think that, sometimes, Blaise didnt need me as much as I needed Blaise. Same thing with Caden, too. They would be fine without me. But if I didnt have them I didnt want to think about it. When we pulled up to the jail, I handed Rob the money that I brought for Blaise, since I was still drunk er whatever, I dont know, I didnt feel drunk anymore just really tired and really head-ache-y. I also didnt feel like being in jail with the rest of them. I sat in the car for what felt like hours (And was probably only a half of one). And I waited. And waited. And waited. I waited for Rob to come back, walking behind Blaises wheelchair and scolding him on the way for getting arrested even though it was utterly and undeniably my fault. 133

McClendon Sad Songs When they came back, my expectation was proven wrong. Blaise was asleep in his wheelchair, and Rob was whispering soothing things to him, Its alright, bud, its alright. No ones blaming you, just made a little bit of a mistake. I opened the car door for Rob, and helped him settle Blaise gently in to the backseat. We drove home, and that was completely the end of it. I would not blame him for something he couldnt control. He couldnt control the pressure society put on him to experience as much as he could. He couldnt control how much time he had left to complete these things. He couldnt control the consequences. I couldnt ask him why he put get arrested on his list. I couldnt tell anyone. Perhaps it was the idea that being a badass was so romanticized; maybe it was because he thought he could get out easy if he told the police he had about three months left to live. No matter what Blaise was thinking, I tried to hold on to every little bit of him that I could keep. If only you could eat as much as you drank last night. I teased the boy in the backseat, who groaned in agreement and chuckled a bit. Im okay, Jude. He whispered, Dying is easy.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Thirteen

Valentines Day. Damn. I sat at the kitchen table by myself at four oclock in the morning simply because I was the first to wake up and it was Valentines Day and Im a screw up so naturally I was terrified because Caden and forming English sentences that are coherent actually isnt my favorite thing right now so just tolerate this run on. I reminded myself to breathe, and I continued to stare at the kitchen table. Blaise wheeled in after me and saw me sulking. I watched as that smirk spread across his lips, Good morning. He greeted. His tone was falsely cheery, Happy Valentines Day.

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McClendon Sad Songs I was silent still, clearly death glaring the younger boy as he looked in between Caden and I what mustve been ten times already, You know its also National Condom Day, so you and the hot one over there should maybe pay a visit to the drug store down on the corner. I scoffed over to Blaise, making sure to give him the eye-roll just to make him understand how much appreciation was lacking for his snarky comments, Dont you have a date with Sara or something? To this, Blaise shook his head and shrugged a bit. He hadnt talked to Sara since the day after the big party, really, and he wasnt planning to, from what hed said about her already. It seemed that this question had him frowning all over again- because he couldnt have a girlfriend. Youre lucky, He grumbled from his spot at the table. I resisted from whispering I know. Blaise went on with his gaze focused on the surface of the cheap table, his hands shaking in his lap, When youre a number like me, youll have a choice er something. You could become an android. Take over the world with the masses of those who refuse to die, and your awesome android husband who you could spend eternity with if you just choose not to die. His words were followed by a chilling laugh. I wouldnt choose not to die, though, I wasnt sure if I had been lying when I told Blaise this. If I were presented with the choice to stay alive forever it was a sweet security, a lovely option, Brave people would choose the mortality they were gifted with at birth. Everyone wants to know what happens after death, why take away the answer? Were not brave people, Jude. This time I didnt resist. 136

McClendon Sad Songs I know. We ate breakfast in silence, bowls of bland, soggy cereal. I tried to look like I wasnt still thinking a thousand thoughts an hour, about how I would die, and about how Blaise would go when his number dwindled to the cold, bitter zero in the middle of May. I tried to grant myself the serenity, as everything had been teaching me lately, not to care. When Caden woke up and came over to join us, Blaise continuously nudged my foot under the table, his expression returning to that goofy, smug smile that I had been greeted with in the earlier moments of my waking. Happy Valentines Day, Caden mumbled nonchalantly. You too. Blaise didnt say anything, still, just looked up to Caden and nodded as he continued to nudge my foot, a little bit harder now that I felt a light pink blush crawling over my cheeks and the tips of my ears. We ended up, after the frat party, putting everything that we were planning to do off as we chose to spent all Saturday complaining about or separate but equal hangovers, and trying to sound like we were in the most pain, and then spending all Sunday doing productive things like the homework that we also put off on Saturday. So, no church and no Harry Potter. I spend a few moments in the awkward silence of the Valentines Day Breakfast Table wandering if I would ever believe in God myself. The commitment to atheism at the age of three was a pretty big one to break. I didnt know, at this point, if I even wanted to break it.

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McClendon Sad Songs I looked over to Blaise and tilted my head to the side and whispered, Are churches open on Valentines Day. To which Caden, humming in protest around a bite of cereal he had yet to swallow, shook his head. As he finished the bite, he hit my hand with his own and smirked, You boys arent going anywhere for Valentines Day. Because were all going to the mall so we can pick up Sara and go to the movies. Blaise ignored how the mention of the closest thing to a girlfriend he would ever get made his chest ache slightly, So, like a double date? He asked. Caden and I blushed, and didnt say anything. Breakfast was silent from then on. We went to the mall when Caden Bryans decided we needed to go to the mall: around twelve in the afternoon. I had no idea how he got to know Sara so well, but I knew for a fact the only time he ever talked to her was at the party, and I had just barely enough common sense to know that when a girl says things when shes drunk, you usually dont remember them, or believe them. Dont call me sexist here, guys are the same way. I just generally dont listen to people when theyre drunk. If I had the choice to put my brain on mute during that party, it would be one choice I wouldnt have to think about for a second. So we walked the mile and a half to the Greenwood Park Mall, and while Caden rushed over to go buy tickets for god knows what movie. He wanted one that was precisely after the time they needed to all have lunch and a few laughs- Caden was always planning like that. Meanwhile, Blaise was standing there in the mall like a scared puppy dog and trying to avoid looking at the pet shop at all costs. It was my turn to tease him now.

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McClendon Sad Songs I nudged his foot, and then his shoulder, obviously trying to annoy him, Whats taking you so long, buddy? Your girl is waiting for you in that store over there. A few moments of silence built up between Blaise and I as I poked his shoulder sharply, and then, quietly and finally looking up to the pet store, the freshman mumbled shut up, Jude. And all I could think for an amusing moment was thats my boy. Youre coming with me, you know. If I have to actually talk to her. Blaise demanded. You have to actually talk to her. I confirmed. He nodded once more, and swallowed real hard. I tried not to laugh as he straightened out his shirt and put his hands on the arms of his wheelchair officially, like he was the pilot of a plane. He snapped his fingers one or twice as a gesture for me to start wheeling him over to the pet shop, and I, not wanting to ruin his little get-up, obeyed. I wheeled him as dramatically as he wanted across the mall in his chair, bringing him to the store at the far wall of the shopping center, the one with the giant logo over it that said Woof with at least three exclamation points that were completely unnecessary. When we got there, Blaise spotted Sara standing behind the counter, on what mustve been her third or fourth cup of coffee. Her mascara had run slightly, and she was on her phone, texting who was mostlikely Blaise. He had neglected to tell Caden hed gotten forty three texts from her. Hey, Blaise mumbled, quietly as he sat in his wheelchair somewhat far away from the counter. Sara looked up, and her lips twisted in to a smile immediately, but I watched as she willed it away and brushed some blonde hair out of her face. She put her hands on her hips, and bit her bottom lip to keep from smiling some more, Happy Valentines Day. She muttered. 139

McClendon Sad Songs You too. I ran off to go pretend to be looking at toys and food for Shakespeare while Blaise wheeled over to Sara and the two began to actually have an actual, sober conversation. Why didnt you answer any of my texts? Sara asked finally, glancing at the floor to avoid eye contact just as the freshman boy had. Blaise took a few moments before answering. To be honest, I dont think he even knew how old this girl was. He was fifteen, and she was old enough to have a part time job and go to college parties at the University of Indianapolis. She didnt get arrested that night with the rest of them, so she couldve been at least 21, which was already six years older than Blaise, and amongst all these thoughts was when I noticed how much I sounded like Blaises mother. I dunno. Blaise said. A pause, I sent you forty three texts, you didnt even answer one, and I dont get a better reason than I dont know? Honestly, Blaise. Would you like the answer I have cancer instead? Maybe if that was a plausible excuse. I peered around the end of the aisle, taking note of Blaises face as he heard Saras latest comment. It was a sort of relief, for a moment, that someone saw something in him other than his cancer. Sara didnt pity him for it because it didnt have anything to do with not texting her, as far as she knew. Blaise had cancer, sure, but Blaise wasnt cancer. It startled him a little bit, that she didnt immediately go silent and back off. He continued, Im sorry Sara, I really am sorry for not texting you back, but- 140

McClendon Sad Songs Blaise, its Valentines Day. I know, I know, and Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. I cant I cant have girlfriends, Sara, alright? I cant go on dates or have things like you can have with other people. Its not you, its me, its the fact that Im going to die in three months and I want to keep from hurting as many people as possible. He said, all in one breath, and looked up to Sara again, Can you understand that? We arent that serious. We met at a frat party. Blaise turned to glance at me and I disappeared down the aisle, thinking that yes, Blaise, women are always this confusing. What do you want, then? He asked with a sigh. I, once again, peeked over the aisle, and watched as he took both of her hands, and she looked to him, down in his wheelchair And shrugged. I think maybe you should come get lunch and see a movie with Caden and Jude and I and then we can figure it out from there? Blaise asked, offering the girl the smallest of smiles. Smooth move, kiddosmooth move. Sara looked back to Blaise and shrugged again, Thats okay. You dont have to pretend to be my boyfriend. She sighed, going back to behind her counter, Plus, youre just some high school kid. I resisted the impulse urge to go with my protective parent instinct toward Blaise and tell him that we didnt need Sara and that we would go get some ice cream after lunch, but I just stayed behind in the aisle of the store and warred with Sara in my mind because Blaise Luehrman was not just some kid.

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McClendon Sad Songs He was the living epitome of acceptance. He was the biggest Band-Aid I would come across in my pathetic mortal existence. He was the hero who would let a little lump of death in his pancreas take him before mortality was an option. But, despite how I saw him, he was still soft, and kind, and he still needed to hold someones hand every once in a while. And youre just some college girl. Blaise shrugged back, a little bit mockingly to Sara. It was precisely that moment that I jumped out from the aisles of dog toys and went to go wheel Blaise out of the pet store quickly, wordlessly. As we left, I didnt let him see Saras face fall in to her hands. I didnt let him see how her face crumpled all sadly and she swallowed the sob that wobbled in her throat. I ran back to Caden to tell him that we only needed three tickets for whatever movie he decided we were going to see, and maybe explain a little as his inevitable, incredulous gasp filled the little corner of the mall. I had hated Valentines Day almost as long as I was sure I was an atheist and it was comforting to know that, for now, that hate hadnt faltered at all. Ugh.

The next morning, as I slept off the embarrassment of all of the national condom day teasing, I woke up to hear Blaises phone buzzing on the kitchen table to what mustve been twenty new texts as it beeped for every single one of them. To this, Caden and Blaise woke up too, with harmonious groans. I watched as Caden tried to get back to sleep, curling up in a ball and hiding himself under the blankets.

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McClendon Sad Songs Blaise got up and weakly walked to grab his phone, examining the texts and mumbling, his voice rough with sleep, or continuous lack of it, Theyre from Sara. This time, it was my turn to groan in harmony with Caden. This, dear future children of mine, is why we dont have significant others in high school ever. No exception. Boys lie, cheat, and steal until theyre thirty. Girls are just I just have an irrational fear of girls that I dont know if Ill ever grow out of. And an irrational hatred for Valentines Day. Come to think of it, I dont like Christmas or Thanksgiving either. Maybe I am just kind of soulless when it comes to holidays. Maybe Im just soulless. We agreed that was a check on number sixteen. I looked over to Caden, and he responded to this glance with a groan. That was it, just another groan. I wouldve laughed at him, but then I groaned again and then we just both mentally agreed that it was that kind of a day: A day that made you groan. I had many of these days before and, needless to say, I hated all of them with the passion of a thousand screaming suns. There was the day in middle school when we were beginning the sexual health unit, and then there was the day that I found out all of us had to take a month of sex-ed in sophomore year, and then the time that I had to get the talk from my parents, and that day Caden sucked the whipped cream from his mocha off of his fingers, and somehow got the thought in his hairspray-ed head that it was perfectly okay. If you dont see the pattern in these groan-type-days then youre an idiot. But thats okay, because Im an idiot too. We can be idiots together.

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McClendon Sad Songs I, with the memory of the hormonally destructive coffee trip from a couple weeks back fresh in my mind, stood up out of the bed and went to change into my uniform again, throwing Caden his. No matter how much I groaned in the morning, it wasnt going to change the fact that I had to go to school. I just hoped the health teacher didnt get any ideas.

The groan-type-day actually turned out more like a groan-type-week. The days passed in their uselessness. There was nothing that really made them special anymore. Blaise, with the jack pot for List items that happened to be the frat party, decided to put in minimal effort into doing anything at all. He lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, much like Caden when he was in his crippling depression. Blaise saved him but he himself seemed to be drowning now in the same waters- or sinking, maybe. He never drowned. He waited months to drown. Each night, I forgave myself for my thousand faults as if I deserved it and gave way to the next morning, letting the time I used to savor slip through my fingertips like grains of cold sand. At the end of the next week I found myself in Mr. Blanchards room, staring down at my drum set and trying to remember what I had to play. It just wasnt coming to me this time around. I held my drumsticks and the beats werent just magically coming from them this time, it was so, so strange. Mr. Blanchard raised a sculpted eyebrow at me and sat down, crossing his long legs, Whats up with you? He asked, You didnt participate in Bowtie Monday again. Dont think I dont notice these things, Jude Holloway.

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McClendon Sad Songs I looked up at that, and shrugged. I hadnt participated in a lot of Bowtie Mondays since Blaise. It was kind of strange, I loved those things, I used to spend the whole day laughing at the jocks that somehow still hadnt caught up to the ritual yet. I shrugged again, as if it would solve anything or be a proper answer this time, I dunno, Mr. B. I hit my drumstick against the instrument a couple times and looked up at my sheet music with yet another groan because it just all looked like ink and paper right now, I think it Valentines Day. I think thats it. Jude, it hasnt been Valentines Day for a week and a half. I know, but it just sucks, Mr. B! I felt like I had to do something all day, but its Caden were talking about and I dont know how to be Cadens type. I sat there at the drums for a moment and grabbed the big packet of stickers from on top of the piano. Yes, Mr. Blanchard still used stickers to encourage his students. It would be kind of sad to admit that it totally worked, but it totally worked. I loved those stickers. I just kept sitting there, fidgeting with the packet in my hands and I sat and sat and sat and all of the sudden, Mr. Blanchard just started laughing. I looked up from the stickers and my eyebrows knit together in confusion and slight offense, And what exactly is so funny? You- not- Cadens. type? He asked, the words struggling to be gasped out in between laughs. They werent even real laughs by now; he was just over-exaggerating them to make his point clear, I was sure.

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McClendon Sad Songs He stopped laughing after a few moments and I stuck my tongue out at him as I continued to fidget with the stickers. I pulled off one from the paper, a big fluffy sticker of an awkward seagull that looked like it was flapping its wings, wearing a pirate hat and an eye patch. Hey, you havent earned that- This is me. I said with a sigh as I pulled off the sticker and put it on the board. Mr. B stared at me in confusion, but that didnt stop me from continuing to fidget with the packet of stickers, finding a peaceful, cute white dove sticker and pulling it off, This is Caden. Thats actually a sticker. I raised an eyebrow at him. Go on. I put the stickers on the board beside each other and looked at them in juxtaposition: the seagull right next to the dove, the beautiful dove and the dirty thing that seemed to be impersonating a pirate despite its serious lack of opposable thumbs. I put another dove sticker on the board right on top of the seagull and bit my lip as I poked at it childishly, Thats what I need to be. Well either way, youre a freaking white bird. Mr. Blanchard whispered, and patted my shoulder. There was a good thing about Mr. B.; he didnt let me feel bad about myself. When I was shy, he taught me theatricality, when I was trying not to look like an idiot he helped us in the library to create propaganda. When he proved me wrong, when I found out that I was, in fact, completely smitten with Caden Bryans, he didnt make it hurt.

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McClendon Sad Songs It didnt matter who I was to Caden. I would be stupid to think it ever did. There was one thing I liked about Caden, he was accepting. If there were beliefs different from his, he was willing to learn why they believed in him. I couldnt help but think, even if he didnt turn out loving me back, he would still be right by my side every day. Hell, he would be my wingman. I smiled despite myself at the thought. With that proud smile directed at my band teacher, I turned from the chalkboard that I had just littered with stickers. Now, stop wasting my stickers, Mr. Blanchard started with a calm, patient sigh, And come play these drums right.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Fourteen

I woke up to screaming. It was the weekend. It wasnt really the weekend; it was the first minute into Saturday, midnight o one on the giant nineteen eighties alarm clock. Blaise had been peaceful all day, just lying in bed and watching the ceiling as he and Caden exchanged snarky comments about the latest Stand Up, Speak Out meeting, but I shouldve known- God, I really shouldve known. Cancer patients werent just peaceful all the time, they were in pain- they had pain. Usually Blaise would go away when he was in pain, cradle himself in the corner of the bathroom and cry until it was over and

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden and I would pretend it wasnt happening and not look at each other either because we refused to admit that yes, we were crying too. But this time it was midnight and there was screaming. I startled awake to turn to my side and see Blaise, poor Blaise, screaming in to his pillow, clutching his stomach in pain as he tried to muffle his cry. Caden had woken up just seconds before and was rushing to his side. The next thing I knew I was just getting out of bed and Caden and I were carrying Blaise to the bathroom, the boy hunched over the toilet as he vomited uncontrollably and cried, just cried so hard. Everythings on fire! He shouted in between gags, It hurts, make it stop, please, make it stop! I had never felt so helpless before in my life. Never so useless like I did then. This boy was screaming out in pain, this boy that I loved so much, who I cared for every day, and I couldnt think to do anything in my state of shock. I swore there was a split moment when I took my phone out that I was about to go to Google, but instead I pulled up the keypad and dialed 9-1-1. I had taken long before to trying to rub soothing circles into Blaises back in an attempt to make him feel any better than he was right then. It hurt just to watch him throw up- he was already so skinny, I saw his ribs poking out through his pajama shirt. He was only skin and bones, dark circles around his eyes, his voice rough from the abuse in his throat when he managed to croak, Im dizzy. At least if he did pass out now, he would get a little bit of sleep. His restlessness was more severe than ever now, it was terrifying. He was restless, thin, constantly in pain. 9-1-1, whats your emergency? A high, feminine voice asked on the other side of the line.

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McClendon Sad Songs I gasped a little when she answered, and looked around, trying to understand. It was then that I knew for a fact that I didnt have the slightest idea what was going on. Id researched pains associated with pancreatic cancer, and personal accounts, and all that crap, I-I-I dont know, my friend is in a lot of pain and hes screaming a-and will you please send an ambulance, please? W-were at Greenwood Academy, first floor dormitory hall, room number 121. But I had no idea what was going on. Immediately, even though my ramblings the voice interrupted with her soothing voice, Help is on its way, sir, please remain calm. I just nodded and hung up in my definitely not calm rush to return to Blaises side as he cried. He had stopped vomiting for now, instead coughing in to a napkin, coughing over and over again like it was an attempt to remove his lungs from his fragile little body. Caden was patting Blaises back as he coughed, and I watched him reach out the other hand toward me. I took it. I squeezed it hard. In that split breath of time, Caden was a dove who had forgotten its grace, and I, the lonely seagull, just as scared, hypocritically tried to remind him how to stay together in such a time as this. It was then that I caught a glimpse of blood on the napkin that Blaise was coughing in to, and I gasped incredulously as I continued to rub circles in his back, Blaise Cmon, buddy, hold on for us. The ambulance is on its way. I knew when Caden saw the blood on the napkin; I could see it in the flash of panic in his eyes. They widened and then closed all together, and I could feel how his hold to my hand squeezed just a little bit tighter. I wanted to hold him then, tell him it was all going to be okay like this was another audition or test or another incident with one of the jocks

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McClendon Sad Songs But I kept rubbing Blaises back until I heard sirens coming down the street and realized quickly that no one yet had told the dean of the school why there were currently paramedics coming for a freshman on the first floor dormitory hall. I whispered the thought to Caden, who laughed humorlessly as he squeezed Blaises shoulder. The paramedics came in to the room, and sure enough, as a couple grabbed Blaise and helped his weak body up onto the stretcher; Dr. Baylor followed behind and ran over to Caden and I, Why is it always you three? He groaned, Whats the problem here? Could you not have notified an adult before-? No, we couldnt have, Dr. Baylor, Im sorry. Caden said quick, breathless as he ran to follow the paramedics and screaming Blaise on the stretcher. The dean threw a questioning glance at me as I looked back and forth between him and the paramedics who were probably half way out the school by now. With another quick glance toward the door theyd left through, I gave a shrug to Dr. Baylor, and ran for it. I picked Shakespeare up, cradling him in my arms and continued down the hallway and another hallway and the next until the marble staircase under the crystal chandelier delivered me home. Before I knew it, I was in Cadens arms in an ambulance with panicking paramedics and a screaming freshman boy, but I was in Cadens arms and somehow I allowed it to be, for a second, all which even mattered. I remember resisting the urge to close my eyes real tight and hide against Caden when I heard a female paramedic shout knock him out loudly. Glancing over Cadens shoulder, I hadnt lost eye contact with Blaise, and from the words of the paramedic, his entire body shot up in protest. He looked at me with that pleading glimmer of hope, and,

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McClendon Sad Songs unknowing to as what they were going to do for those few sacred seconds, I just stared hard at him, trying to send the message through contact alone of look at me, look at me, its going to be okay. I couldnt help the whimper when the screaming suddenly ceased with the flick of a needle, and Blaises eyes lost their contact with mine. It was silent then, as close to silence that it had ever been in that ambulance. It was eerie, how all that was heard now were the mumblings of paramedics and the panicked breaths between Caden and I. I hid against Caden this time, didnt want to look up for fear of seeing Blaise completely out on the stretcher looking like he was in the middle of a nightmare: like he always looked when he was sleeping. Something about the wrinkle of his eyebrows and the wince in his squeezed-shut eyes gave away how he was slowly being eroded away in his sleep. Even in the most peaceful of destinations, Blaise Luehrman seemed pained; even in the vulnerability of sleep itself. I consciously drifted in and out between Cadens arms and Blaises pain. I wasnt sure which to focus on. One would bring me comfort. One would break my heart. But I couldnt help but understand that I wouldnt be able to keep from looking at Blaise, pondering the thoughts of his masked consciousness. It was almost like that time of year in history class where we all had to watch videos of whatever historical disaster 9/11 the concentration camps it made me sick. But I couldnt look away. It was almost as if the simple act of looking away from the horrifying scene would be disrespectful. To choose not to watch someones final breaths, someones final moments, as they jumped hopelessly from a burning building; as they became splatters of blood on concrete. Or if they walked, by the hundreds in to a gas chamber, unknowing as to what awaited them as they thought that just for one moment they could relax.

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McClendon Sad Songs And then, executed by the hundreds, guards would wait patiently until all screaming finally, eerily ceased. Just as Blaises screaming had ceased. Now, I dont mean to compare the devastation of Nazi Germany to the devastation of a single boy dying, but to him, those who couldnt scream again had an advantage. They were in the comforting finality of death, and he was waiting- patiently waiting- to drown in the pain that washed over him. Constantly washed over him. Cadens arms held tighter, as we were both silent and nearly shaking. I could feel him blinking back tears as his eyelashes tickled my skin and left it wetted with the droplets on the ends of them. I found that my heart had been broken yet again by a boy who Id only met this year. I was sure, if I dared to move for a second to feel my heartbeat, it would thud in broken beats, with the rhythm of pots and pans crashing to the kitchen floor. So I put my hand over Cadens instead, letting the quick beat of it attempt to soothe me as it met my open palm. I couldnt think of what to do as the ambulance sped in a hurry to the hospital a few miles away, cars parting to the side to make way for it. I prayed. Every word I could remember of prayers he taught me, I prayed them. God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.

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McClendon Sad Songs And maybe that was it, all I needed. Those few words. They were for everything. For dwindling number printed on Blaises forehead, for the heart on Cadens sleeve, for the hormones in my head, for everything I couldnt change but wanted to. Perhaps, that was what love was. Knowing you would do anything and everything to heal someone if only you could. I kept reaching for the chance, but it was only ever the image of hope that was fading, and my hand only ever passed through it.

We arrived to the hospital, and only then did Caden let me go. Blaise was rushed out on the stretcher to the giant building, to a room somewhere along in the maze of hallways, where he met Dr. Knightley and his nurses and doctors in training, or whatever they were. I didnt care. My basic intelligence in that moment of screaming silence consisted of Caden Blaise Caden... Blaise Caden Blaise. They gave him some medicine from a tube, and then let him sleep as they planned whatever doctor-y stuff they wanted to do next. Personally, doctor-y things were my least favorite type of things. I never knew what they were talking about, only heard fragments of Latin and went too far with trying to decipher them that I missed the rest of the conversation entirely. Caden and I were sent home when the doctors were done talking about their doctor-y stuff. Something about severe abdominal pain and bleeding and burning, splitting headaches. I tried to pretend that they werent talking about what Blaise was going through.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden protested for a long time when one of the doctors told us we needed to go and that they were calling Blaises family to further deal with the situation, but I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it in a calm gesture, just to let him know that it was okay for us to leave him for a little while. So we waited in the waiting room for a little while, because Caden had told me that he just didnt feel right leaving Blaise here alone for a second. We waited for Mrs. Luehrman and Laura to show up at the hospital, out of breath and panicking. We waited hours for them to come from their home. I wandered how Mr. and Mrs. Luehrman managed to live with themselves still sending Blaise to private school miles away from their home. I could barely get by without Blaise a day, and I had only known him for half a year. Previous to that doctors visit months ago on that fateful day, Caden and I only took turns visiting him and trying to cheer him up. I missed how healthy he looked then, for lack of a better word. When we got to the hospital, little weeping Laura (She was always weeping now, her father informed us a little while back) and Mr. And Mrs. Luehrman, they were sprinting down the hall to Blaises room. They didnt even see us as they passed, and Caden nodded, standing up and extending a hand to me. Lets go back, He said, clearly trying to calm himself down. He wasnt doing a very good job of it, as evidenced by my concern for his well-being. I paused for a moment, You know what Blaise would say right now? What would he say? I stood up along with Caden and began walking down the hospital hallway with him, He would say, At least you two can have your own beds for the rest of the night. Im seriously tired of hearing Caden yell at eight oclock in the morning about his idiot best friend stealing all of his covers. 155

McClendon Sad Songs I saw Cadens lips curl in to the smallest of smiles. It was the closest thing I would probably get to making him laugh. With that, and a huff of breath, we began the long walk back to Greenwood academy. There was something about seeing Blaise knocked out so quickly, almost violently, that etched itself so clearly in to my memory and made itself welcome without a second though. All I could see in my mind was him flying up in protest, the needle jabbed in to him, and then him falling back down, silent this time. There was something about how his screaming got louder over those few seconds and then cut off all together. The knowledge that he would live to scream again made me sick, but so did the knowledge that he would die. It was an endless circle of ignorance and suffering. It was Blaises bed that I crawled in to that night, Shakespeare still whining and pawing at his own seemingly in demand of the location of his owner. I smiled sadly at the thought, as my head sunk in to Blaises pillow and the few hours left of the already sleepless night started up again, dreams roaring louder in the state between conscious and not. Hey, Jude? Caden whispered. I turned to him, choosing not to care about the phrase, Yes? Dont make it bad. We both laughed sadly. Take a sad song- And make it better? I guessed.

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McClendon Sad Songs Exactly. Thanks. You know, it really sucks that Im gay. Why? The next line bares no relevance to me. Caden paused for a second, and I could hear the smirk in his voice when he rolled over in his bed, facing away from me and whispering, Im glad that youre gay.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Fifteen

I was about ready to propose to Caden when Blaise came back. We were having coffee at the kitchen table, pretending we were rich New Yorkers and trying to make each other laugh just as we had all day the day before. I remembered what it was like to have fun with Caden, and both of us knew, we really did, that Blaise would want us to have fun. And maybe it was because of the mistletoe incident that happened earlier on Sunday (which weve chose never to speak about ever, ever again) or the whipped cream incident, or maybe it was the fact that he dragged me out to sit by White River during a rainstorm (because god damn it, Jude Holloway, 158

McClendon Sad Songs we are going to the river and being calmly fun no matter what mother nature is telling us to do. Listening to women isnt my specialty) that I just fell a little bit more in love with him. Yes, I do already feel like a terrible person for having way too much fun while Blaise was suffering in the hospital from abdominal pain and splitting headaches and all of these awful, awful things, even if he did want us to have fun, so dont judge me. I took a sip from my local coffee shop mocha with my pinky out, and smiled over to the boy sitting across from me, I just bought an entire twin set of apartment complexes in the big apple for 20 million dollars. We had been going back and forth like this for a while, making up silly things. Caden was smug as he shot me back, I just bought a social networking site for 1.1 billion. Ugh, fine, you win! It was then that a knock exerted its presence at the door. Caden and I stood up at the same time, but, the blushing idiots that we both happened to be at that time, I told Caden with a goofy grin, sit down, sit down, Ill get it. He nodded and did so as I ran over to the door and opened it. It had been three days since Blaise was delivered to the hospital. We visited of course, but it seemed obvious by about the second day that our dear friend had spent most of his stay there completely unconscious. Laura stood, her eyes red and puffy with the ghosts of tears, behind Blaises wheelchair. She looked up to me like she was giving her brother away- like she would never see him again, and behind her, Mrs. Luehrman stood, hands on her daughters shoulders. I wondered for a little while if they felt like Caden and I were stealing time from them. I felt a small twinge of guilt as I watched little Lauras eyes fill with brand new tears. 159

McClendon Sad Songs Blaise did nothing. So there we were, Caden at the kitchen table watching on as I stood in front of a family broken by the same lump in their son and brothers pancreas, and they stared back at me, and no one was quite sure what was going on. Laura blinked. A tear rolled down her cheek and she bit her wobbling bottom lip to hold back more as she nudged her brother in his wheelchair forward, as if to give him to me. Please, I said. Even as the word left my lips, I didnt quite know what I was doing. I just remember watching Laura blink more traitorous, rebel tears from her eyes, and wanting her to stop. I didnt want anyone to cry anymore and I didnt understand how in the world I alone could fix it, so I- Come in. The little girl bit the inside of her cheek this time. Her mother nodded, and put on a smile that was just barely in as she nudged Laura to push Blaises wheelchair into the room. I made way for the two of them. It was frightening to me how silent Blaise had been during this whole thing. I knew after a conversation with his mother just yesterday that he had been so frightened by the sudden pains. I knew after that same conversation that he had woken up in the hospital that first day and begged for death. And maybe it was the list that kept him pushing on for the rest of his days, however many of them were left. Doctors were wrong sometimes, after all. Id heard of a woman with terminal cancer who was told she had sixth months and lived ten years. But I also heard that the time after those short six months had been torturous, because she never knew when death was just around the corner. Not a single clue. 160

McClendon Sad Songs I helped Blaise to lie down on the bed that I had stolen from him the previous night, picking him up out of the wheelchair and wishing that he didnt feel so dead, so weak right there. I sat down again, in a chair across from Blaises bedside, where Laura and Mrs. Luehrman sat and comforted the small freshman boy. He shook, like a frightened dog, and he just stayed curled up right there, silent. Laura wept. They stayed. Caden and I made the two of them some nice iced tea, and we tried to get Blaise to talk, but he just sat, watching the wall bitterly, with a certain rage in his eyes. Cadens soft hands were shaking as he handed little Laura her glass. Mrs. Luehrman- Rachel, as she told us to call her- spoke up, Blaise, dont be so rude. Talk to your fr- Im dying. Blaise spat harshly back at his mother, his face crumpled up in some sort of anger as he continued staring past Caden and I and at the wall. After that, full on silence again, and then, for the sake of breaking it, Blaise whispered check. Caden ran to the kitchen table to check number nine off of the list- use Im dying as an excuse to get out of something. If I were telling the truth, I was disappointed that he was getting out of talking to us, after wed spent so much time with him and had given so much effort in to this damned bucket list. For crying out loud, I had to convince his fragile mind to believe in God! I dont even believe in god! At least I dont think I do. My mom always told me- pre-Greenwood days- that there were things I would just have to wait to understand; that I would understand all of this great shit when I was older. 161

McClendon Sad Songs But I dont. I think I know fewer things now than I did when I was a whole seven years old. It all gets so confusing and awful, and I get stupider by the day. I know because sometimes the stars look less beautiful when its just me looking at them. Sometimes it gets really hard to find the good in things. Stars are just little balls of fire and rock. We have both of those things on earth. But theyre so far away The fact that we cant have them doesnt make them special. I could make a star in my backyard- and dont even get me started on how the sun, our closest star, will inevitably lead to the earths destruction. It will happen in billions of years, sure, so I dont have to worry, but billions of years isnt as long as we could think it is. Five months sounds like a pretty damn long time too until you learn thats the time you have left. I sipped from my own glass of iced tea and walked to the kitchen table while Laura wrapped her arms around Blaise and held him close to her, I dont understand. She whispered. I dont either, Laura. And Ive already gotten older.

Blaise didnt talk for a few days. He sometimes took my hand and squeezed it with the weakness of his strength while I was doing homework, just to let me know that he was still hanging in there. I only hoped he did something else to show that to me. Put some food in his body, maybe. He called Laura every few hours. I sat there, and from the words out of his mouth, I tried to decipher what she said, just to keep myself entertained for a while. For example, when he whispered to her New York is my home, I imagined she

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McClendon Sad Songs was on the other line begging him to come back home because she needed him and she knew she was being selfish, but she needed her brother more than two boys needed their friend. I still didnt quite understand why Blaise chose to stay with Caden and I. Im not entirely sure if I ever will. When Blaise finally spoke up to talk to us, he was laying on his side, watching Caden read his world history book. He studied the way that Cadens hands rose to rub his forehead out of confused frustration and smirked. We should go to the library and study those Republican views again. Its been three months. Caden looked up from his history text book, smiling unbelievably wide at the fact that Blaise had talked at all, even more the fact that he had said two whole sentences without his voice cracking. I knew how Caden winced every time it did. He hated the knowledge that Blaise was getting worse. Really? Caden asked. No. Happy April Fools day. Snot April. And maybe I had to laugh just a little bit at that- because Blaise was trying even if he was being a bit sarcastic. Caden laughed as well, and shook his head as he went back to his work, We should go down to the confessions room, dont you think? For this Friday? They have to cancel the meetings soon, since every little thing is fixed. But we have nothing to confess. Blaise chuckled, moving out of his bed to slip over and sit in between Caden and me on the edge of the opposite bed.

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McClendon Sad Songs Oh, we always had something to confess - loving Caden, resenting stars, feeling guilty for choices that werent mine to begin with, loving Caden- all things worth confessing. Well confess how much well miss the Confessions Cam. I raised my eyebrows over to the other boy, who raised his right back as if it were a challenge to see who could muster the most sass in one facial expression, We hated the Confessions Cam, Caden. You seem to have forgotten that. Ive come to love it. I would appreciate if you didnt question our love. He scolded, playfully. I went back to doing my homework, but secretly I would steal glances at him every so often. Humans are creatures who rely on habit: thats a little bit of truth that Ive kept with me through my ununderstanding things. Habitually, I take comfort in looking at beautiful things. I rely on comfort to keep myself going through my one and only faith-less life. Lives that only lead to death seemed to mean nothing at all. But a life with beautiful things that made it worth the stay. Especially beautiful things like Caden Bryans. And his awesome face. It was pondering further the significance of the Confessions Cam and the truths of human habits that I finally decided how I was going to get this whole in love thing out of my hair. I had learned, after the day I had spoken to Mr. Blanchard about it, what that melty, fluttering feeling in my chest was all that time. I had learned that it was something I knew all along, whether I trusted the feeling or I didnt.

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McClendon Sad Songs The meeting on Friday was the most interesting thing Ive seen in my three years of Greenwood Academy and probably, my whole life. Caden and Blaise and I didnt end up filming anything for Confessions that week. The Cam room was already crowded with students and teachers when we went, and I wasnt getting anywhere near that mess when even Chris Hanover was crying. I walked in to Mr. Crawfords room after school that day, Cadens fingers intertwined with my own. I could imagine how comically wide his eyes went when he saw the decorations. There was music booming through it- Queen and The Beatles and Billy Joel, which reminded me eerily of the frat-partythat-must-not-be-spoken-of and a full on snack table, streamers everywhere It was a celebration of people simply learning to be kind to each other. If it was a perfect world, I imagine kind just happened, it wouldnt be a thing that would have to be celebrated when found. But it was never going to be a perfect world. I dont know how, at this point, I havent gotten that through my head. We all took our normal seats after grabbing cookies and drinks and such and talking about how much we loved this music- because, really, who doesnt like the Beatles? As the rest of the students and I settled down in to our chairs, Mr. Crawford stood up in the middle of the classroom and clapped his hands together, a huge, cheeky grin on his face when he talked in his announcer voice, Good morning, Greenwood Academy! There was no response to this, except for a couple individual laughs and hellos. He continued, This is the first of three meetings we have left for the 2012-2013 school year. Our whole academic board is so proud of all of you for sorting this out! We can only hope that our student body

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McClendon Sad Songs will be able to teach the freshmen next year how to refuse to tolerate bullying. Again, he clapped his hands together to demonstrate his happiness. The class erupted in to cheers, and Rob smiled, pointing to Mr. Crawford in that intimidating jock sort of point as he shouted, Well keep them in line, Mister C! The eight graders that made the poor decision of coming to this hell-hole for school would be visiting in a week for an orientation, and then theyd have another tour of it at the end of June. It was more of a get-to-know-the-student-body orientation than anything. And I wasnt going to lie, it was nice. All of the students at least tried to be nice to the fresh meat (Oops, I mean freshmen) for that one short day. We all played games out in the courtyard and became slightly less terrified of high school. I was excited to see who would be the next hero once our little cancerous freshman had moved on. I would make sure to ask Blaise later if there was an orientation for the next stage. That was another thing that had been weird lately, trying to convince Blaise to believe in God. I kept saying things, casually, slowly easing him in to religion- but none of them were truthful to me. I didnt know what to think about these meetings, Mr. Crawford said, honestly. He paused, looking around the room to all the boys in the black blazers- and one in the yellow- and a small, sad smile spread across his sarcastic face. He adjusted his green t-shirt officially, and continued, I was bored and I could tell that all of you were too. But something changed, He said, On the day that Blaise confessed everything changed. Everyone changed. Ive never been more proud of a class than I have been of you guys this year. I wondered if this was scripted. I could imagine teachers sitting at a circular table somewhere hidden in the castle of a school and writing what they would later say to the students. Maybe they were just reusing scripts from past years and adding some specific moments to them 166

McClendon Sad Songs It wasnt that I didnt believe Mister Crawford- it was that I didnt believe there was a reason for someone to think I was special, a reason to be proud of me, or even a group that I was in. A long time ago, my wish would be the same. For every shooting star, every birthday candle, every coin I threw in the fountain at the mall, every time the clock hit exactly 11:11, my wish was the same. I wished for someone who didnt share my blood to love me. I wished for someone to think I was beautiful, or hold my hand and tell me that I was special. You could call it gay, the things I would want the things I would do but that is, honestly, what I am. And I am special. Its great to see people who are all just happy, Mr. Crawford continued, At this stage in the game, everyone is learning how to accept themselves. Its a difficult process, but one day most of you will get there. He chuckled, and earned a laugh from the rest of the class, I know that you all will succeed; even if youre just the most passionate guy in the world handing out hamburgers through a drive-thru window. Caden squeezed my hand, and I turned to him, whispering, Are you suggesting by that gesture that you think Im going to work at McDonalds? He teased me right back, Oh, no, no, Jude. I think youre going to work somewhere way nicer like Five Guys. As the few chuckles died down and I whispered unnecessary to the boy sitting next to me, Mr. Crawford turned on his computer and put in the disk for Confessions Cam week 3/2 /13. There was, this time, a remarkable 1 video. Progress, guys, progress.

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McClendon Sad Songs But when he clicked the video, Mr. Crawford just smiled. It was an hour long compilation of all of the confessions that week, with flashbacks to old Confessions by the same students. Sure enough, the first thing on the video was Chris Hanover with tears in his eyes talking about how much fun he had this year, and then in black and white, a bunch of old clips of him filming only to mock other students. Yes, myself and Caden included. It was amusing, watching him go around the class and apologize to everyone he made fun of in that one section of the video as the students all laughed at the memory. Over his apologies to me, I heard the audio of the Confession from the beginning of December, before even the fateful appointment: Jude knocked my books out of my hands today. Hes just hes such a bully, I never did anything to him! And for once, I had to laugh too. I couldnt explain why I felt the urge, but right then and there, the epitome of jock stereotype was on his knees apologizing and I was forgiving him. It was a twisted world. Maybe one day- maybe- it would be perfect too.

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McClendon Sad Songs

Chapter Sixteen

I cant control my beliefs, you know. Blaise whispered as he tried to stand up out of his wheelchairand once again, failed. He had been doing this for the last forty five minutes, and I just kept watching him and wandering when he would stop, I thought I could. Maybe we should take it off the list- My suggestion was quickly and clearly disregarded by Blaise, who tumbled in to his wheelchair once again, Nothing just comes off the list. He said, his expression all crumpled up in near disgust at my mere comment. I was really beginning to hate this list. It was another five minutes of watching him pushing his fragile body up from his wheelchair that I even began to question it. I thought it was a pride thing at first, but his pride surely wouldve gone by now considering he had been trying to get out of this stupid chair for the last hour or so. Blaise Luehrman was a fighter- it was just that he had a chilling tendency to lose. 169

McClendon Sad Songs I offered him my help just a few minutes ago, but he refused it. He had to get out of his chair himself, and really, I understood that from the beginning. It was about the only thing I understood. But still, I offered my hand, What what is this for? At the question, Blaises face went visibly paler, and he kicked his wheelchair back behind his feet to get up this time, which only resulted in him falling forward instead. He yelped as he tumbled to the ground, and once again, ignored the help I offered him. My doctors, He breathed, pulling his wheelchair back closer to him and climbing back in carefully, If I cant get out of this chair, I cant go to New York. Me and my mom talked to Doctor Knightley about it. I only need to get out of this chair. Blaise- I lived without this thing for fourteen years of my life, its not that hard. Blaise-! Jude, The freshman whispered sadly. He tore his face away from me as he pushed himself up again, and tried to get enough momentum to simply stand up, Its New York. Forgive me if I sound foolish to you, but I do want to go home before I die. I shut my mouth after that. It seemed that I had been doing that for Blaise more often than not, now. I didnt want to aggravate him. The tiniest bit of stress could send him in to a fit of pain again I felt so helpless. There were times that Blaise was happy, and he didnt care about dying. There were times that it was easy to die, and he lived every moment to the fullest and smiled as wide as he could. He teased me

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McClendon Sad Songs about Caden and hung out with the jocks like he was just another one of the guys, and sang along to the music that was stuck in his head. There were times that he did silly things. But there were also moments when he just couldnt get out of that wheelchair. I looked over to Blaises phone, watching it buzz to no end on the table with new texts. He ignored them as he continued with his own foolishness, but I couldnt ignore how it screamed for someone to just look at what was on it. Drunk texts. He said, once he noticed how my gaze was attached to the device, From Sara. Ive been getting them since three in the morning. It was now seven. And you havent read any of them? I asked, eyes squinted slightly. Blaise just shrugged in response. I sat down in front of him, on the edge of the bed. Shakespeare had been barking at him non-stop for about the last fifteen minutes, and I just pet him and tried to communicate through scattered eye contact that I didnt really know why he kept trying, either. I apologized for every time I thought it, but he wasnt going to go anywhere. With a huff of frustration, Blaise slammed himself in to the padded seat below him. He mustve known at around this time, as well, he really mustve. You know, if we go quickly, we can make the church service. I told him, watching as he reached for his phone to look at all of the texts on it finally, I know you dont think you can control your beliefs, Blaise, but God is somewhere in you if you want Him to be there, hes there. Its a simple as that. And you need him to be there. I was disgusted by myself again. Lying to this boy, who couldnt even manage to walk anymore? 171

McClendon Sad Songs Disgusted. Blaise nodded to me and basically steered his wheelchair right in to my hands so I would push him down the streets, where the bells rang out in song and declared God to the entire town. It was probably a good time to go, all things considered. All things meaning the fact that Caden had been off studying with a group of guys at the library for a science project. It was ironic- Blaise and I were going to pray to a god we had no clue as to how to believe in, and Caden was studying science on the other side of town. Blaise and I left greenwood. As we walked down the street, it became evident to us both that spring was beginning to paint its way across the town. Leaves were becoming greener, swim suit shops were opening; beer was becoming more expensive, which made the guys douche-ier- just in time for pre- Spring Break prepping. But not the Greenwood guys, I reminded myself. They were all fixed now. So, what did your doctors say about the New York City matter? I asked Blaise with caution, not wanting to set off any panic buttons. He didnt look at me when he spoke this time, instead just watched the road in front of him roll by right under his feet, Me and my mom went to go talk to him when I was in the hospital. He said that if I wanted to go to New York, I need to have somebody to supervise me- which, you and Caden- I have to get a hold on my stress levels, and I need to have a meeting with my doctors and talk to them about why I think I should be able to go.

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McClendon Sad Songs I thought over what he needed to do to be able to get to New York; to go home before he went home. And then, I was just as confused as before, But that doesnt have anything to do with needing to get out of your wheelchair. It was a pride thing. We both laughed a little bit. I pushed him in to the church, a man in an outrageously nice suit for such a casual place as Indianapolis holding the door for us. With a glance at the candlelit sign in between the home of the rats and the home of god, I strode by and tried, once again, to muster faith that simply wasnt there. The church was crowded. It was odd seeing actual people in there. Before, it had just been me and Blaise and a whole lot of empty prayers. I sat in one of the pews that were closest to the front of the church- that was what it was called, a pew. I liked that word. I really liked that word, simply because to me and the way I thought, the word pew was so un-church-like. It was something that a small child would say when they were holding their fingers and thumbs like guns, playing Cowboy. Learning about churches had become one of my jobs since Blaises days started seeming shorter. Like amen meant truly in English. It was a Hebrew word. And an Alb was a white garment covering ones street dress, not that this applied to me or anyone I knew. I looked up to the Altar, where the Priest stood behind the pulpit- I liked that word too- and raised a hand and slicing it through the open air as if to touch those sitting in the pews, who were somehow enchanted by the simple gesture as they all stopped talking and sat up a little bit straighter.

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McClendon Sad Songs The stain glass was nicer when there was light in the room; the organ was more beautiful when it was being played; the words of God better said from someone elses lips. There was something really nice about church, and I wanted to be able to put my finger on it but the ability wasnt mine. I sat and listened during the church service. To the preachers trembling, soothing voice, and to the whines of the children who were so, so bored, and to the hitch of Blaises breath every so often when the music hit his ears just right, or when the sunlight accentuated itself against the stain glass windows. I listened to the words, and wondered if they could ever be more to me than words. I listened to the monotonic repetitions of the words coming from the priest, and smirked a bit because even I sounded more passionate than they did. I was glad that I had the choice when I grew up. My grandparents were very strong Christians. My parents didnt mind it all that much. They taught me God, and then didnt bother to talk about it anymore. It seemed religion was just a fading black line down my family tree, and sometimes I felt guilty for being the end of it. Imagine my great grandmothers horror to know that I was not only an atheist, but an atheist and gay. The only thing I had faith in was a depressive teenage boy who I had been sharing a bed with for godknows-how-long, and who I was obsessively in love with. I could only hope that she would laugh a little before she rolled in her grave upon hearing this. The service lasted for about two and a half hours. It was maybe around hour number two that the place lost its touch of enchantment and all I could hear or see was children screaming and crying due to how freaking bored they were the music was nice, anyway. There were a couple songs that ended up being quite catchy. 174

McClendon Sad Songs I knew how to act like I knew what I was doing in church. I followed all the people when they mumbled things in that same monotone, and I said amen at the end of everything, and and also with you. Blaise caught on eventually. When the service was over, I looked around me and stretched, getting behind Blaises wheelchair to push him back to Greenwood. However, he seemed to have other plans. Blaise pulled the breaks and looked up to me and shook his head, Its not time to go yet. He whispered, a mischievous glint in his blue eyes. He was looking at the priest, and suddenly I knew exactly what he wanted. I just hoped it wouldnt take so long that I would be late to picking Caden up at the library. Do we have to, Blaise? Its like 9:30, I have to go get Caden at- Calm down, loverboy. Well pick up the flamboyant bumblebee after we talk to the priest. I opened my mouth to choose a smart comeback, but then I closed it again, because really, nothing about that statement hadnt been true. Except for maybe the little bit of exaggeration that came along with calling Caden a bumblebee. He wasnt even wearing the uniform today. I noticed, upon this, that I was defensive. I was defensive, protective, and probably possessive. When it came to Caden I was a whole lot of things. When it came to Blaise, I was all but the latter. After a little while of clearing out, the two of us were the only ones left sitting in the pews, side by side. The priest hadnt quite caught on yet, or so I guessed as I watched him blow out the candles and put his books and sheet music in drawers and cabinets. When he turned back to the pews from the altar, he seemed sort of startled, and then a look of welcoming cheer came over his face.

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McClendon Sad Songs He greeted us as if we had been dear to him all along, a Santa Claus sort of cheer painted on his wrinkled face as he walked from the altar and extended his hand, My greatest apologies, I didnt see you there. I didnt know we were staying. I said back with a light laugh. Id never been one to really understand religion. Talking to a priest wasnt really on my list of expertise. Blaise hit my chest, and I owed as he pulled his hand back and smiled up to the priest again. Feel welcome, The older man said, adjusting his costume, God welcomes all of his children to his home. This is the moment when I realize that assuming the worst in people probably isnt the wisest thing Ive ever subconsciously done: I looked up at the priests words, and smiled almost condescendingly. Out of habit, my head shook, Thats very kind of you, sir, but I dont think Im very welcome here. The priests face crumpled in confusion; his eyebrows knit together, his lips pursed the inside of his right cheek bitten down on slightly. He made a motion with his hand when I stood up, as if to tell me to wait for a moment, Nonsense. God can forgive you for your sins. Blaise tugged on my arm, his gaze almost fiery as I continued, He cant forgive me. Im not going to change for Him. Im a gay atheist, father, gay atheist. As in capital G-A-Y rainbow parade Broadway lover, glitter practically falls out of my hair gay-gay-gay. Thats nice. Teach me that trick with the glitter sometime. And then, both Blaise and I were staring at him, mouths hanging open in disbelief and I remembered, after years and years of ignorance and homophobia and being pushed in to lockers and dumped in

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McClendon Sad Songs garbage cans or toilets or being locked out of the right locker rooms, I remembered that not all people are bad people. Father Kennedy- that was his title, I think- was a genuinely good priest. I felt a twinge of guilt for assuming he was like all of the others Id only heard of on the internet or from an article in the daily news. Sorry, father. I whispered. He touched my forehead, and I felt a strange sense of security. It mustve been what all those people who went to church every single Sunday, who prayed to God every night, were looking for. They were desperate for something to have faith in, and it was tempting it was so, so tempting to believe just for that strength alone I forgive you, He said, raising a hand to the stain glass window, And God does too. I once again opened my mouth to speak, but for the second time in less than fifteen minutes I felt that I didnt have anything to say at all. So, abruptly, I shut my mouth and sunk in to the pews that I sat in, in between Blaise and his empty wheelchair. The freshman did the same thing, and I once again began to question why we stayed in the first place. Were you seeking to confess? The priest asked. There was a bit of a laugh from Blaise as he said, as if it were a casual thing, Oh, no, father, no we have a camera for that. Father Kennedy raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side in question, but before he could manage to verbally ask for an explanation, Blaise was speaking again, with a voice that was soft and faintly musical, echoing through the church despite its volume, or lack of it. 177

McClendon Sad Songs Thank you. I uhm just thank you. He plopped himself back down in his wheelchair and started off. Maybe, it was noticing how kind the man had been that changed something in Blaise. Maybe it was the church service in the first place; maybe it was the acceptance of the church itself, or the comfort it seemed to bring. I would never know what sparked Faith in Blaise Luehrman, but whatever it was I thanked something that it was there. So I shrugged to the man, with a smile I was completely unaware of, and I ran after Blaise so he wouldnt get himself hit by a car or a really, really strong man before we completed his bucket list. That night, a storm came over Indianapolis- a thunderstorm. The ceiling of Greenwood academy rattled, and I held Caden close as his anxiety worked itself up over the loud noise and the bright flash. I played cards with him at the table when the power went out, and distracted him with talk of his study session earlier that morning. The storm lasted for longer than usual, and the power was out for hours. Soon Caden was out with it. I tucked him in to his bed when he fell asleep, and whispered I love you as I had rehearsed it in the mirror earlier that morning, before picking him up from the library. And when I looked beside me, I saw Blaise on his knees, in front of the window, his hands and lips and eyes pressed in prayer- there were times when he could get out of his wheelchair too. And I had no idea what I was supposed to do. So I prayed with him. I didnt quite know what I was praying for, but looking out the window at the stars, glancing to Blaise, glancing to Caden, I finally understood that being diverse (see: Gay atheist with glitter practically falling out of his hair) wasnt all that bad. There was the occasional garbage can, but at the end of the day I was 178

McClendon Sad Songs alive. I would be dead so much longer than I could ever hope to live. Id already not existed for billions of years. Someday, there would be no one to remember me. But right there, praying next to the least lucky boy I knew and seeing all that was around me, I knew I knew for once that I didnt care. When I woke up the next morning, number fifteen was already crossed off. I smiled at the possibility that Blaise had walked over and crossed it off himself.

Chapter Seventeen

The anti-bullying meeting that week was incredibly productive- which, for the students of Greenwood Academy, basically meant we planned how we were going to help all of those eighth graders who were coming in this year for their freshman look-around while we ate entire cupcakes in one bite. It was that good part of the year where teachers really stopped caring about what students did as long as they could get through the rest of the quarter. 179

McClendon Sad Songs Caden had bright yellow frosting all over his lips after he accepted a dare from Chris to eat one of the regular sized cupcakes whole. He nearly choked in the process, which nearly gave me a heart attack, but then there was just him standing there with frosting all over his mouth and the frosting tasted so good on the cupcakes, I imagine it tasted somewhat better on Cadens lips. I tore my gaze away as soon as I heard Rob whistling at the two of us- the word of my little crush had gotten out, I guessed, or maybe it had just become more painfully obvious to everyone in the school as it had to Blaise. Mr. Crawford spoke up as the containers of black and yellow cupcakes were finished off, laughing heavily and patting Chris on the shoulder, Okay, our groups of freshman are officially on their way to the school, he announced, earning a chorus of cheers from the students in the classroom. That being said, were going to have six tour groups- which means from each of the three homerooms, two pairs of students will be in charge of their own groups, as determined by their homeroom teacher. Id never heard Mr. Crawford sound so official before. So, The man started, holding up a list in front of him and reading off of it, Chris and Rob, you two are going to lead around group number three, and Jude and Caden are leading group number four. When you get to the lobby to meet your group, Dr. Baylor will give you a basic outline of where to show the new students and what to say to make them less terrified. Any questions? Why didnt you tell us about this before? The man shrugged.

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McClendon Sad Songs There were times that I thought adults like Mr. Crawford knew even less than I did; times that I wandered if adults really understood the world, or if they were just saying that to quell their raging envy of a childs ignorance. Either way, I would keep wondering- why, why, why, and how. Caden and I brainstormed between us, quietly, our theories as to why Mr. Crawford had chosen not to bring this up before if he had been so sure in his decision. This wasnt a contest- there was no glory in leading a group of freshman around a private school, and therefore, no point in drawing it out. He was worried the other boys would get jealous, whispered Caden. No, I disagreed, Hes just announcing it now because the pairings for the group tours are secretly a government experiment to study the activity of humans in awkward environments. After a long time of talking about what or what not was Mr. Crawfords intention on giving us last minute 2-hour-tour instructions, we agreed finally that, yes, we were only a sample for a government experiment- clearly nothing to worry about. If I ever did take place in some secret experiment, though, I think I would have a lot of fun. Like, I would be that guy in the movie who looks at the big black camera that somehow no one noticed before and screams out that oh my god, were being taped. I think Caden would be the one to ask the camera if it was MTV. I thought about what Blaise would do if he was in the clutch of a government sample. He would probably point out the flaws in logic the entire time as he wondered around wherever it was the man had put him. It was strange, but I had this sort of feeling that Blaise Luehrman would go full-out hippie on us if he was given the time to collect his thoughts.

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McClendon Sad Songs After all, he had told me once- though admittedly under the influence- that dying was pretty simple. You just let time go by. I thought about how all of us were dying, it was just the fact that some noticed it less. Like, people like Caden and Chris and Rob and I could go to the cemetery and look at those who have died and know that we were going to be that, but Blaise was buried alive and counting down his final breaths. I watched a scene in a show once where the two of the main characters had been buried alive. They had about two hours of oxygen. It seemed like the minutes went by painfully slow at first, while they waited to die, but then again, they went faster than shouldve been legal. It was the end, and endings seemed to defy the laws of time because they happened too slow and disturbingly quick. Mr. Crawford finally finished talking about the meeting stuff for today- the second out of our count down of three meetings.

Dr. Baylor gave us a quick run-down on what to cover on the tour- in fact; he gave us a quick PowerPoint presentation on the matter. I didnt think it was necessary, personally, but I also think he was just creating the PowerPoint because he was too lazy to open his mouth and actually tell us what he wanted to do. To be fair, Dr. Baylor was a very busy man. Between having a wife and kids at a home that he never went back to, and making sure that Shakespeare didnt start running around the school, restraining kids from bothering Blaise too much, making sure Blaise didnt die on school grounds he was certainly very busy.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden and I would show the kids around the back hallways (as the very colorful and awfully pretty slide explained), and we had the self-proclaimed fun-sized group; a group of freshman boys who had yet to reach the unspoken goal of being five feet tall. I took the last few minutes I could get to hold Cadens hand as we watched the presentation. We would show the fun-sized boys around the music hallway, and the hallway with all the language classrooms, before trading them off to Chris and Rob, who would show them the gymnasium, the cafeteria, and the auditorium. Caden looked up at me. Nervous? He asked. About a bunch of freshman? No way! I know this school like the back of my hand. Which explains why you still get lost when you show Blaise to calculus. That was one time. Caden made a sort of sarcastic, sassy hum. Like snapping his fingers in a z formation and putting his hand on his hip sort of Mmmmmmhmmmmm. I laughed. Anyway, The boy beside me continued, whispering so the dean wouldnt notice us talking in the back of the library, I think its good that we get to show them the music hallway. We can introduce them to Mr. Blanchard- and Im thoroughly convinced that theres nothing he cant do. Hell, he got you to start talking, He giggled quietly. He can do anything except explain to me why bad things happen to good people, I explained, But to be fair, Google cant do that either.

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McClendon Sad Songs We whispered together out of habit, a monotonic phrase: Praise the Googly lord. Chris, who had been convinced when we first said that around him a few years back that we joined a cult, turned his head quickly to look at us and give a frightened look, and Caden just patted him on the shoulder and pointed back up to the presentation that Dr. Baylor had yet to finish yelling at the boys to write down; even though half the kids there wouldnt be able to read their own handwriting anyway.

We waited in the common room for our group to arrive, Chris and Rob sitting in between us so Caden and I wouldnt, and I quote start platonically making out and scare all the poor freshman. I scoffed to this immediately because the first time I made out with Caden, It would certainly not be platonic. And that was all Id been thinking about lately. Making out with Caden and making sure Blaise didnt spontaneously combust. He had chemotherapy right around now, which his mother and sister took him to. I had learned a few things, when I sat down and talked to him about it, told him I wanted to listen to what made his special thing so special. Sometimes I just tuned out, though. I just wanted to get him talking. Caden and I, when it came to Blaises special thing, werent really knowledgeable at all. We figured there were adults for that. And we still had at least a year before we were forced to be adults. We were going to take advantage of that year. The buses pulled up in the parking lot, each one taking two spaces. If I were an adult, I thought, watching the middle schoolers head toward Greenwood, that would probably make me upset. 184

McClendon Sad Songs The boys seemed already divided into groups, huddling together as they walked toward the school. Some walked like they were headed to a party, some walked like they were headed to death row. High school wasnt bad, and high school wasnt good. High school happened and then college happened and then life happened, and then it was all over. Middle school was bad. But the rest of it, from what I heard, was just a whole big bunch of happening. Caden was the first to greet the group, twirling his bright yellow blazer around his fingers, Hello, boys. He greeted, in a sing-song-y voice. There were a few chuckles and a few nudges among the self-proclaimed fun-sized group. Sometimes Caden forgot just how gay he was. Those were the best times. With a little introduction as to who we were, who they were, what a great environment Greenwood was, etc. etc. etc.- we were off, down hallway after hallway until we reached the ones that we were told to show the boys. And this, boys, this is the music hall, I said, nudging Cadens shoulder with my own as discreetly as I could manage. He looked around at the walls, which were splattered with paint and art work from past students and their art teachers, The people who spend their time here will be the best people youll ever meet. This is where you play until your fingers go numb and you sing until your vocal chords do whatever they do. I dont know, I was never much of a singer. I knew I wouldnt be paying attention if I was in this tour. Id be shuffling my feet and looking at Caden to see if he was just as utterly bored as I was. I would look around at the artwork and shrug a little bit 185

McClendon Sad Songs before shyly looking down again. At every pun that was cracked by my tour guide, I would hold back laughter so I didnt stand out any more than I probably already did with my unruly curls. A smaller boy came up beside Caden and me, glancing at us curiously. The messily written name tag on the center of his chest (he wore it like it was Supermans S) indicated that his name was Riis, and also that he had really, really bad handwriting. What are the teachers like here? He asked, his voice just as revealing as his name tag as it gave away that he had yet to reach puberty. Caden smiled, and looked at me. I shrugged. Theyre just teachers. They get aggravated, sure, but only if you do something aggravating. The band teacher though, his name is Mr. B. Hes the coolest guy in the whole world, Caden explained, crouching down a little, Ill let you in on a little secret. The band members wear bowties on Monday. Riis had plenty of interesting questions during the tour. Such as, is the food prison food and do I have to share a dorm and why? If I squinted at him, he was Blaise Luehrman. Overly analytical, curious, untamed hair, small bones, and he was a little shorter than the others. He kind of looked like the male version of Laura. So I tried with all my might not to squint at him. We showed the eighth graders through the back hallways where the language department was. There were two Latin classrooms, three for French, three for German, four for Spanish, and one for Chinese. Each classroom was decorated with small decorations to represent the countries that spoke the language being taught. 186

McClendon Sad Songs Most people dropped language after their freshman year, but Caden and I decided to take the extra couple years in French so we could call Chris Hanover and donkey-licking-good-for-very-few-thingsoverly-obsessed-with-tackling-other-guys-but-still-protective-of-his-sexuality idiot without him ever figuring it out. It was worth it- not to mention how good it would look to colleges, choosing to learn an entire other language passed the standard, required knowledge. I let Caden do most of the talking on the tour, since he had always been better with words than I was. He explained to the group, and Riis, who followed right in between us the entire time, the zero tolerance policy on bullying, how our school was getting way better and how he expected them to keep that up when they came here. Faggot, One student mumbled from the back. I wanted to punch that student. Cadens shoulders visibly sunk as he pretended not to hear it and turned around again to walk along and finish the rest of the tour. Down back to the lobby to pass the kids off to the next group, he kept his head held high. I knew what was going on in the hair-sprayed head of his. As a sob took a crushing seat on his windpipe, all that would run through his mind was Dont let them see you cry. Dont let them see you cry until we had passed the boys off, and he had tugged me down to an empty corridor. He let me see him cry. I wanted to punch that kid.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden had been doing better ever since Blaise came along, and the bullying had come to a stop (mostly), but the group of freshman coming in: the ones who werent kind and sarcastic, and lovely, and dying, and so, so, so miss-able they did nothing but remind me that my world was a world where people hurt each other because they had nothing better to do with their time. I helped Caden dry his tears, and helped him to second period French. penser de cette faon. I said, offering him a sad smile, ce garon va probablement tre un ne lchant bon pour trs peu de choses trop obsds par la lutte contre les autres gars, mais considrablement proccups par sa sexualit imbcile carrment. (Think of it this way.) (That guy is probably going to be a donkey licking, good for very few things, overly obsessed with tackling guys but dramatically concerned with his sexuality, downright idiot). He smiled.

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Chapter 18

Blaise and I discussed over coffee how sick-and-fucking-tired he was of looking at number ten on the list being left unchecked when he knew that it had already been completed before the list was even made. It wasnt completed, I would tell him, but with a wave of his hand he would show me that he didnt care. 189

McClendon Sad Songs

Number Ten: Make poor, sweet, innocent Jude Holloway realize his obvious romantic attraction toward one Caden Bryans.

Well what the hell am I supposed to do? I asked in between bites of soggy cereal. Mr. B had never really helped with his pep talks over the matter, or his unstoppable laughter at the point that I told him I wasnt Cadens type. Blaise shrugged. Hey, this was your idea, In a light, it was. We dont have any say in our actual feelings. Blaise sighed a heavy, exasperated sigh, Look, Holloway, Im not forcing you on to each other. If you two werent so sweet it gave me cavities, then the list would just say find my gay friends significant others that fit their personalities and have smoking hot bods, but youre in love with him, so it doesnt matter. I, my arms folded across my chest, shook my head, I am not in love with him. Well that explains the Mistletoe Incident. Blaine mumbled, sipping his mocha from the Styrofoam cup that he continuously scratched his fingernails with (probably just when I said something annoying). We didnt talk about the mistletoe incident. We dont talk about the Mistletoe Incident! Blaise threw a smug glance my way, Youre blushing. He said.

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McClendon Sad Songs Oh really? I didnt fucking know, I thought, my face heating up to like, a thousand degrees Celsius and my general color resembling a tomatos hadnt given it away. Im reddening, I corrected him, while mentally wiping that smug little smirk off of Blaises face; Theres a difference. Its a condition. A condition? Blaise asked, You know, I think Ive heard that one before. Whats it called? Whats the medical description? Patient suffering from this diagnosis constantly becomes red in the face when Caden Bryans and/or things related to Caden Bryans come into conversation, for example, even the mention of whipped cream could make him/her flush to the tips of his/her ears, or perhaps the mention of standing under a certain plant- WE DONT TALK ABOUT THE MISTLETOE INCIDENT. Blaise stopped talking and unraveled into a fit of laughter, patting my shoulder in a way that would make Chris Hanover proud and taking another smug sip from his mocha, Right, right, sorry. He chuckled. I rolled my eyes, albeit fondly, at him. At least he was laughing. My mind drifted back to Caden and watching him suck the whipped cream from his mocha off of his fingertips. I thought about the hot sensation that twisted in my stomach at even that simple action, and the warmth that spread through my chest when he wiped the corners of his mouth with the corner of my scarf, because that was what friends were for. Not letting you get your own scarf dirty. I thought about him until I noticed Blaises fingers snapping in front of my face, and I went right back to pretending I wasnt thinking about him.

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McClendon Sad Songs Now, I dont know about you, Hollo-gay, but I hate seeing a couple of these still on the list after all this time. He said. He leaned back in to his wheelchair, a smug look spread across his face that he hadnt been comfortable enough to achieve since the last incident with all his weird, scary cancer pains. Hollogay, Blaise whispered, relaxed, Thats a good one.

Now, Caden was fabulous at a lot of things. Finding the right scarf to match the shoes that match his belt that match his hat that match his whatever, dancing (he was particularly good at the shimmy, which doesnt require boobs, he reminded me), being sassy, being lovable. He was extremely good at drawing peoples attention. But timing? Timing was not one of his strong suits. He strolled in just in time to laugh at Blaises stupid joke. Ive never heard that one before, He said, with a graceful burst of air as he smacked a kiss to the side of Blaises face and sat down. Sorry I missed the morning coffee, boys, I was out getting some information on a little old Elementary school. Blaise, you might have heard of it. Long Hill Elementary? He mentioned casually, smirking as he sat down. The boys on either side of me mirrored each others smug expressions and I swore I would drown in their excessive pride- in fact, I was so sure, I studied my coffee cup as the two of them spoke. That was my elementary school. Blaise said. No shit. Caden said.

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McClendon Sad Songs Hush. There was a pause, and then Caden went on with his explaining. I found your old yearbook in the closet, the one from second grade, which, you might recall, little one, is an essential key to the completion of our list. He grinned despite himself. I could hear the grin in his tone, and I tried, I really tried not to let Blaise see when I smiled, too. Caden made me happy. Caden. With his wit, and grace, and style. Caden. With the bright yellow blazer and the black piping. Caden. Who swept in one day and grabbed my attention, and never- not for a fleeting second did he ever let it go. Caden. Who never let me go. Mr. Bubbles time? Blaise asked with a little bit of a smirk, pushing himself away from the breakfast table in his big wheelchair. He was already getting his shoes on- god knows he wasnt going to do anything else today. Mr. Bubbles time. I had never seen someone so delighted to be apologizing for killing a fish and blaming it on someone else. I had never seen someone so delighted to be apologizing. Blaise got his shoes on and grabbed the yearbook from Caden, scanning the bright color-splattered page for the kid who they would have to meet up with. He had moved, Blaise said, a long time ago, and he had always wanted to tell him he was sorry- so maybe they could call him or something.

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McClendon Sad Songs His name, the boy in the wheelchair announced, was John Reid, and he was in fifth grade when Blaise was in the second grade. He had been so easy to blame, Blaise went on, because he was one of the schools big trouble makers and no one flinched when he was accused of forgetting to feed the schools pet. No one kept track of who was supposed to feed Mr. Bubbles, the principal just said a name and pointed and nodded real officially and you never got any reminders. He seemed afraid. He seemed like he was traumatized. He had been so scared of his responsibility, and I couldnt help but laugh as Blaise rambled on and on about yes, I did it, but it wasnt my fault. Caden flopped down against my shoulder as the story was told in great detail, but we just kept listening, because Blaise sure as hell wouldnt have the energy for talking like that just every day. This was probably a once a month thing by now. John Reid had moved to Westfield, Indiana. He was on yellow pages, when they ended up looking him up. Caden scribbled down his phone number when Blaise read it out loud off of the laptop, and I ran my hands over Shakespeares back to keep him calm, since his master was unusually excitable today. Blaise demanded that we let him get dressed himself, so I brought Caden to the kitchen and sat down with him. He reached for my hands, You know, sometimes I forget hes special. I smiled, Do you? I find that difficult. Well, its just Caden fiddled with my hands in his, running his thumb over my palm as if he were examining it, like one of those creepy women in the circus tents with the crystal balls. The ones who

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McClendon Sad Songs were always in black and white, He gets so happy sometimes. And then he sinks into his regular were all just parts in a game of chess mood I knew what he was talking about. And really, mood swings were understandable for his current position. The doctor said soon hed be spending more time in the hospital than he would be at Greenwood. Lately, the phrase spending time had become more intriguing to me. Spending time was like spending money, except when you spent money you got something in return, something desirable when you spent time; you just drew closer and closer and closer and closer to To what? Jude. Caden. Stop that. His words were accompanied by a little squeeze between our hands. Stop what? I asked. That, Caden said, wildly gesturing to my face, Thats your Im thinking about death face. I didnt know I had an Im thinking about death face, but it probably made sense, since I thought about death so very often. I shrugged a bit, trying to wipe the look off my face. Caden sighed. I love him, I really do. He whispered, calm. With a graceful wave of his hand he gestured toward Blaises bed and went back to studying my hand, I just remember our biggest problems before all

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McClendon Sad Songs this? Calculus tests? Being scared about college and getting gay-bashed? Like normal twenty first century fags? Caden! What? The blonde boy asked, letting out a humorless laugh, Its nothing but a word. We have much more to be afraid of than words. His voice rose, and softened again. I thought about how I would like to kiss him and tell him that he should stop trying to be philosophical. I paused for a beat or two, and I looked up to him again, Were really fags? The faggiest of fags, Caden said, and he giggled, his cheeks rising into a small, smug smile. I had never heard him, or anyone, use that word so fondly. Like it was soft around the edges and he liked to hear himself say it. I shook my head. Id drink to that.

John Reid, we read on an old social networking page, lived just north of Indianapolis now. He was a senior in high school. He was on the football team for this big school district down there with actually decent funding and females and parties that wouldnt end in someone blowing the dorms microwave up mostly because no one would have a dorm. It wasnt my cup of tea, but it sounded like it could be for the Chris Hanover type hormonal teenage boy.

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McClendon Sad Songs On Thursday, we made the trip up to go visit John Reid and finally, finally give him the justice he deserved after years of living with the blame and the hate for committing a crime that he didnt commit. God, I thought, he must be so relieved when he finds out that he no longer has to drag the ghost of that damned goldfish behind him, no longer has to wash the fishy, fishy blood off his hands. I almost laughed as I looked out the window of the passengers seat, but I held it back for Blaises sake. Oh, that boy. Caden drove all the way to Johns place while Blaise sat in the backseat and read an article about Republican views (after the lecture I gave him about how we really, really needed to get on that point on the list). The American Dream seemed to be the chemical makeup of every house in the boys neighborhood. Each had the family- one boy, one girl, one dog, one mom, one dad, no scars- and the white picket fence and the bright green grass. It wasnt quite as appealing as they mustve thought it was. The houses were all the same, they all lead to another perfect family. The neighborhood would seem stuck in the fifties if it werent for the giant plasma screen televisions visible through each window. Everything was so precise and American. I was expecting it to all turn into a bad black and white sitcom any second. It didnt. I was severely disappointed. The Reids house was number seven down the street of big, fifties-esque houses. It looked just the same as every other one, which wasnt a surprise. It didnt even feel different. Like, I was thinking when we

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McClendon Sad Songs pulled into the driveway there would be something enchanted about knowing we would cross another item off the list, but there was nothing. The feeling wasnt there. Caden and I helped Blaise out of the car and into his wheelchair, and this time Caden didnt even make one joke about how lucky he was to be able to use handicapped parking now, which meant Blaise didnt feel obligated to fake a laugh which meant we werent going to hear Blaise laugh today. I wheeled Blaise up the driveway and to the flowery front door, a floral welcome rug below our feet as we stood. The doorbell rang three times for every time we pressed it, and doing the math in my head I efficiently concluded that if we pressed it x amount of times it would get annoying very freaking quicklyand someone, someone would have to answer us. We stood there for a good amount of time, though, and I seriously considered testing my theory when the door finally opened. There was a tall boy standing there- he was definitely a boy, definitely a senior in high school, and he had definitely been crying, judging by the runniness of his nose, the puffiness of his eyes, and the redness in his whole face. I couldnt say it was definitely John Reid, but being the sarcastic asshole that I was I thought to myself immediately upon seeing his condition: how attached were you people to that freaking fish? I truly hoped it wasnt about the fish. It wasnt.

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McClendon Sad Songs Blaise spoke up first, telling the tall boy that he was Blaise Luehrman and that he had a confession to make to him on this day- but the taller boy just shook his head, even to Blaises kicked puppy face. (This, I previously had convinced myself, was the impossible.) Im sorry, uh Blaise. He said. He seemed to be studying the younger boys face for anything that would help him recognize him, Im not in the greatest condition to talk. We were in elementary school together, The younger boy said. He hadnt had any hope that John would remember him, which everyone was astoundingly grateful for. John nodded, and looked away again. He brought a hand up to rub away the lines of exhaustion and sadness that had been etched under his eyes god-knows-how-long ago. It didnt work, and I wandered if he thought it would if he could just rub the sadness away. Maybe with a bit of makeup, Caden would advise, but not just with the will to hide emotion. Well, you might remember you were in the fifth grade, I was in the second- Look, Blaise, I really dont have time to talk about this- Under any other circumstances, Blaise Luehrman would be what we in the business call an asshole right around now. But he couldnt see the sadness in Johns face because he felt the pain a thousand times over every waking moment, for his mother, and Laura, and and everyone he had ever known and loved. It was like a tree, if you thought about it. The older, the taller and sturdier he got the more life surrounded him. He was a tree that was ready to fall, and willing to destroy everything in its path. He

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McClendon Sad Songs had accepted already the lives he would destroy in abandoning his own. It was not his choice to die, but there was a part of me that still blamed him for being so selfish. John, please. Im not John.

Chapter 19
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John Reid was dead, and I wish I was more surprised.

Chapter 20

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NotJohnReid had invited us inside, although he clearly wasnt keen on the idea. We didnt come in. John Reid was his brother, and his name was Josh. I imagined his parents sitting domestically on their couch in front of their flat screen and just getting a kick out of the fact that they had two boys whose names were nearly identical, but I didnt really get much out of it. Not even the regular sarcastic snicker. Blaises eyes clouded over with confusion and sleep. When googling John Reid, he hadnt really bothered to check the articles. There were lots of John Reids. A lot of people died- in fact, out of every ten people, ten people were proven to have to die. It was a car accident that got him in the end. It was a week ago. He was eighteen. I thought about what we were doing a week ago; being told that Caden and I were going to lead a bunch of kids around the school. No, today was Thursday, so a week ago we had been sitting on the couch and hate-watching Toddlers and Tiaras while Blaise was on the phone with his sister and absentmindedly petting Shakespeare. And that really couldnt have been fair. I thought about the split second that he died. A bus had lost one of its wheels and swerved right into him. I thought about how he mustve known, for a beat or two, that that was it. He was going to die right then and he was helpless to preventing it. I thought about him dying while Blaise told Laura about how revolting the children on this show were.

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McClendon Sad Songs I wandered if his life flashed before his eyes, and if he remembered Blaise or Mr. Bubbles at all, if he cared. I wandered how he wouldve reacted when we came to apologize. Maybe he would laugh; maybe hed just stare at us like we were freaks. Im very sorry for your loss, Blaise said, Im sure he grew up to be a very nice young man. He did, Josh whispered, But it doesnt matter anymore. After moments of unbroken silence, Caden turned Blaise away from the door and began to wheel him back to the car. I stood, for a moment longer. I thought that maybe awkward silences were becoming an addiction. I turned away, too, and was generous enough to let Caden drive. Selfish enough, I should say. But I dont want the guilt. So Ill just pretend it was generous. The drive back to Greenwood was solemn. It was raining, but only abstractly. Blaise tried not to think of how surrounded by death he was. It was around every corner, for him. It chased him in its sleep. It extended its long, slender arms to invite him in, and he tried so, so hard to resist but, you see, it was so cold, where hed been- in limbo- and deaths inviting arms seemed so secure, so warm, so comforting So reliable.

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McClendon Sad Songs Shakespeare growled when we came in, nudging at Blaises feet. It was evident that he had torn up a couple of Blaises socks as an act of defiance toward his empty food bowl. I expected Blaises temper to snap at this, but he just sunk once again into his regular depression. Caden was the one to play upset mother. Oh, you mutt! He practically screeched, picking up the scattered pieces of cotton and looking angry at the little bulldog. He held the shredded pieces of cotton in front of the dogs face, Look what you did! Enough about the dog, Blaise interjected, sighing with exasperation, What about the list? What about John? It was always the list this, the list that. What about the man who died in all this? His future wife and family and his brother and his parents and his career? His dreams, all forgotten. The date, Blaise said, trying to pick himself up off the wheelchair. He failed- inevitably, Its March sixteenth, Jude, what about the time that I have left? Its been four months since the appointment. To the day. You know what I have left? I have one month. Thirty days. I dont care about- He cut himself off, voice rising. You dont care about John Reid? Really? You dont? I asked, with a humorless laugh. Everything came to my mind and out my mouth so quickly that I couldnt process the fact I was screaming at a ghost, All you wanted him for was to complete your stupid list. Blaise looked up, fuming, Dont you dare call it stupid. This list is the only thing keeping me sane. He spat back. Its driving you mad, is what its doing. Blaise stood up. He actually, really stood up from his chair, his face red from anger, Does it matter, Jude? Does it really matter? He asked. Stumbling forward, he pushed me with a weak hand. 204

McClendon Sad Songs I looked to Caden, but all he did was sit on the bed, shocked. It matters to me- Well, wait thirty days to care. You wont have to deal with me then. Blaise. What? The boy asked, dark eyes lit up with fiery rage. He fell back down in to his chair and threw his head full of messy hair into his hands, palms pressing hard against his eyes. Dont say that. Blaise went silent again, ignoring Caden and I as he got himself into bed and curled up under the covers, facing the wall. He let out sighs every once in a while, and I would call them overdramatic, but it was just the right amount of dramatic for him. The next words he spoke were spoken in a miserable whisper, and it was all that was left lingering of his voice for that day: I need to get to New York.

The next day, Friday, was maybe the strangest day Id lived to see so far. It was the final meeting of the Stand Up, Speak Out program, and everyone was buzzing with excitement about the whole thing. Everyone except Blaise, I reminded myself. Blaise was still curled up in bed, looking at the wall and sighing every once in a while as Caden busied himself with making breakfast in the next room over.

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McClendon Sad Songs I moved over to Blaise, resting my hand on his shoulder, Look, dude, Im really sorry for snapping at you last night. I whispered. As expected, there was nothing in response, but I paused and waited for a beat or two anyway, You know today is the last day for the SUSO, right? I asked. Still, nothing. I waited again, Well, I have a certain something to tell the Confessions Cam. This time, my words were met with a very weak, low, rough voice, What is that? He asked. He didnt turn over to look at me still, but I thought that would come with the next sentence out of my mouth. You see, theres this boy that Ive grown to become quite fond of I hinted. Blaise turned over finally to look at me as I spoke. I smirked. Yeah, that always got him. Something that could help his precious, precious list. He still looked cautious, Elaborate. I felt my cheeks beginning to grow warm, and I knew it wouldnt be long until I resembled a tomato for only the third of fortieth time that week, Caden. I have a confession for Caden. I said, hoping that was enough. What is this confession? Well, theres something that I havent told him that I think he should know, Once again, I tried to avoid the L word. I knew Blaise knew what was going on by now, because I watched that slow, smug smile spread across his dry lips. But still, I knew he would make me say it. Blaise nudged my shoulder weakly with his own, What are you going to tell him? That I love him. It was the quietest, shyest voice. But it felt so right, saying that with the blonde boy in my head. It felt so right and it felt so remarkably easy that suddenly I wasnt quite so afraid to say it right to his face.

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McClendon Sad Songs I love you, I thought, I love you, I love you, I love you, and this isnt some stupid thing for the (totally not stupid) list, its just me telling you that I love you and I have since we went to Semi-formal together as a joke in the eighth grade. And I need to stop talking now or Ill ramble and I wont be able to stop and Ill just stand here and tell you how much you make me feel forever. Ill never hear your voice again, or finally, finally kiss you and there will be times that I think I can start telling you. But the truth is, there are new reasons every time I steal glances at you from across the hallway, every time we get coffee together and whine about how bright the sun is (even though the sun is necessary to our survival), and sometimes youll have to stop me from telling you all of them at once. Sometimes, Im going to sound like your favorite broken record. At least, I hope Im your favorite. I need to stop talking now. I need to. But I cant because you left me alone with my own inner monologue and now I cant stop thinking of all the things I need to tell you and how much I need to stop talking at the same time. You make me feel like a creep, and a pervert, and the luckiest guy in the world. I hate that. But I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. Blaises smile grew just a little bit wider at the simple, four letter word, Good. We should go down before you-know-who comes back with Breakfast. I thought about how if the leader of the Harry Potter fan club had been there, how he would then tease Blaise about Voldemort making them breakfast and how unsanitary that must be. I smirked. Okay.

On the final meeting on Friday, my hands wouldnt stop sweating.

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McClendon Sad Songs That was the detail I knew would stick with me the most, because when Caden took my hand as we walked into homeroom together, he made the silliest face and then immediately willed it away. Nervous? He asked, looking up to me and tilting his head to the side in curiosity. I shook my head, and faced back forward for a moment, but then I nodded and turned back to him, Yeah, I guess so a little bit. A lot a bit. As in the world might end the very second the video plays, or I might die on the spot, or worse, you could reject me. He smiled triumphantly, and squeezed my hand a little. I imagined that mustve been rather uncomfortable for him, Well, what are you so nervous about? He asked, eyes shimmering brightly so they made my stomach to that weird turn-y thing and suddenly I felt like I couldnt take another step, my legs were so weak. I stared at him, for a while; admired him like he was a painting, or an artifact, or the most interesting man in the world. I dont always fall in love with my best friend, I thought, but when I do Jude? Caden asked, waving a hand in front of my face, Hey? Jude? Sorry, sorry, I apologized, around a series of nervous laughs, Sorry. I-I youll understand later. Caden looked back at me, with an expression that I could only describe as confused and mildly concerned for my mental well-being. Without another word, he pulled me over to our seats in the back of the classroom. And he sat me down. And the man in the oversized, inevitable green shirt came in front of the classroom and stood. I wandered, for a moment, how a green shirt could be inevitable, but the next moment that was the least of my worries.

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McClendon Sad Songs We have a interesting, uh, video today. Mr. Crawford said, For our last meeting. He finished his sentence, and looked around at all the confused faces of the boys in the homeroom. All confused, except for mine. What do you mean, Mr. C? Chris asked from his seat, sinking back lazily in it. Youll understand. I kept thinking, all through the mind-numbing walk to homeroom, that they were going to see the video, but they werent actually going to play it in every homeroom. They were going to look at it and scoff and tell me to just tell him on my own time, but no. They were playing this. They were playing this for the entire student body. All the freshman, sophomores, juniors, and us. All of us. Every. Single. Fucking. One. I wandered if it would embarrass Caden. I wandered if this was a bad idea. I wandered if he would see the video, shake his head, run away. I wandered if he would say it back. I stopped wandering. Caden squeezed my hand, and I felt relief begin to flood through me as I squeezed it back, gently, with all the strength that my body didnt give me. My knees and elbows went weak, my breathing became lighter. My chest became heavy with anxiety, and the words- the returned I love you or the babbling apologies- took a crushing seat on my windpipe. I tried to swallow them down a couple times, but it never worked. I stopped trying. Mr. Crawford headed to his computer, sitting (well, more like crashing) into his big cushioned chair, and the eyes of all the senior boys in the class room hooked on to the screen in front of them. I watched as Mr. Crawfords computer mouse moved, in slow motion, to the play button. 209

McClendon Sad Songs I stopped watching. There were a couple videos before mine, different boys talking about how much this program had changed for their lives- a couple left over from last weeks huge confession party. But then I heard my voice. I stopped breathing. Ive been trying to figure out how to say this for a really long time, The voice started, I mean; Im not the best with words. I never have been. I never will be. But but I can try I guess. What I have to say is pretty simple. I sounded like such an idiot. I stopped listening. This is the last week for Stand Up, Speak Out. And, this program has been really cool, but I never got the time to use the confessions cam. But now I have something to confess, something really important. The voice paused, For someone really important. What Im trying to say is Caden I love you.

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Chapter 21

Caden I love you. The words seemed to pulse through the room, even as the video cut off and everyone stayed quiet. For a second, I didnt believe that it was happening. For a second, this was just another instance of me replaying it over and over and over in my head, telling Mr. Blanchard how perfect it was going to be, daydreaming in the middle of a Calculus test. I failed that Calculus test. And now I was going to drop dead of embarrassment. No, death would be too kind; too simple, and easy, and painless. I would go into an embarrassmentinduced coma and be under for six years before I woke up and Caden would reject me. Then I would die of embarrassment. I looked up, finally. I tore my gaze from the floor to look up to Caden, who still had his hand clasped with mine, and wasnt pulling away. He was flushed a lovely, soft shade of pink all down his neck and shoulders. His gaze was gentle when it caught mine for the first time after the confession. His lips were slightly parted. He looked breathless. He looked like a dream. He looked right out of a movie. He looked like what music sounded like- like an orchestral score that makes your mom tear up.

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McClendon Sad Songs A booming voice came over the speakers, Jude Holloway and Caden Bryans to the office, please. The voice was sullen, low and sad- the opposite of the environment the homeroom was currently surrounded by. Mr. Crawford looked around at the two of us and raised his eyebrows, and I just knew Caden would be fuming later. Well, if Chris Hanover had kissed his girlfriend on the Confession Cam, he wouldnt get in any trouble for it He would say. Tears would burn in his eyes, but they wouldnt be spilled, I cant believe this school is so damn homophobic. And I cant believe you did that. I cant believe you would do that in front of the entire school, he would say. But he would smile, too. Wordlessly, I stood up, and with Cadens hand in mine, I tugged him along. Another announcement came over the speakers, Caden Bryans and Jude Holloway, please hurry to the office. Oh, you cant freaking wait two minutes to get a couple gays in trouble for being alive and doing something about it, imaginary Caden said. We walked faster, faster, faster, until we reached the office door. The office was maybe the scariest place Id been in my seventeen years of existence. It felt like the dentists office when you first walked in; there were old magazines everywhere, little knick knacks on the front desk, calendars on literally every possible area where a calendar would fit, a general cleanliness in the air But, the short, narrow hallway barely showed the insides of the offices: principal, vice principal, counselor, and nurse.

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McClendon Sad Songs And all of those rooms were like torture chambers. I could hear a kid screaming from the Counselors office, a kid crying from the Nurses office- or at least, thats what I could convince myself I heard. Whatever I did actually hear, I knew nothing good could possibly come with it. Not to mention standing beside Caden, a confession in our throats. And we were standing here. And nothing was going to happen until we got out of here. I really didnt like the office. Caden opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out for a little while. It was clear neither of us knew what to say, to do, to I really didnt like the office. Because, there I was, my feelings on the line, and there he was looking beautiful as ever and we were in an office. About to be punished for god knows what. I imagined, for a moment, that the school wasnt being homophobic. Maybe it was just that Shakespeare the French bulldog got loose and ran in to the kitchens and ate all the bacon. Maybe they were telling us that Blaise was hanging out with his mom and sister for the week. Maybe they were yelling at us for the frat party and landing a cancerous teenage boy in jail- god, anything would be better than being yelled at for being gay and vaguely horny. Maybe we werent being yelled at. Period. Like, maybe we were being congratulated for taking the schools lamest program (see: Stand Up, Speak Out) and making the whole school love it. Maybe he was just changing our schedule and telling us about it- that was entirely possible. Caden looked at me, Were in trouble, arent we? No. We could be. 213

McClendon Sad Songs We could be, I agreed, But I dont think we are. You know the school takes at least an hour to decide a fairly-cruel punishment. They wouldnt call us down so soon. Caden sighed, slumping down in his seat, This is like being kicked out of the boys locker room all over again, He groaned, Except this time I watched as he trailed off, This time? I asked. This time we couldve actually gotten in trouble for public displays of affection. He flushed, cheeks burning pink, and I pretended not to notice for his sake as I blushed, too, and we shared a laugh. Oh? Yeah. Caden whispered. He looked up to me, and this time, when our gazes stuck, I swore my heart skipped a beat and my breath rushed out in one big wave. Doctor Baylor cleared his throat, from the door frame of his office. When the principal walked out into the main office, I knew we werent going to get just a free pencil and a pat on the back. His face was sad, his eyes darker than usual. He looked strange- much different than our regular Dr. Baylor. If Dr. Baylor was music right then, he wouldve been a sad, lonely violin. Caden looked up first, giving my hand a squeeze when he looked to the Dean, Dr. - uh Dr. Baylor. What is it? He asked, crossing his arms now, as clearly he hadnt considered that we werent just being yelled at for indulging in our sex/romance driven tendencies. Come here, boys. He said, his voice low and sorrowful.

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McClendon Sad Songs I was hesitant to follow his orders, but I did anyway. I took Cadens hand, and tugged it a bit so he would come along, too. He did. I took a deep breath, and let it out, and just just stood, as I watched Dr. Baylor trying to figure out a way to say what he was going to say next. The way he said it wasnt perfect, but it was something. It sure was something. Listen, boys, Blaise Blaise. No. Not Blaise. I took my thoughts back. Getting in trouble for being gay and vaguely horny would be better than something- anything about Blaise. I felt my lungs betraying me, the pinch of anxiety beginning to rumble in my chest, and all I could think to do was hold Cadens hand harder. The dean tried again, clearing his throat, Blaise is Gone? Caden asked. I winced at the simple word. It was funny- in an awful, awful, awful way- how four letter words had such an effect on people; gone, love. I could think up a few other ones but that would require complete functions, and the slab of meat in my skull wasnt quite equipped to deal with those right now. No, Doctor Baylor said, making a motion with his hand to gesture for the two of us to calm down a little, Hes not gone, hes just hes not awake. There was a flood of relief in his first statement, but it was all drained out with the next. Not awake?

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McClendon Sad Songs What do you mean? Caden asked, his face growing sad, the blush that graced his features quickly leaving him. He looked down to his hands, and tears began to sting in his glassy eyes, without the man in front of him saying another word. I brought my hand up to his shoulder to offer some comfort, but it would only bring him so much. Especially when the doctor was looking down, too, looking like he was going to cry, or worse- give up on telling them. He The man said, trailing off, One of the freshmen found him in his dormitory. He explained, And he was not conscious. Weve called paramedics. Theyre on their way. He tried to explain as calmly as he could, but I could barely hear him over the sound of sobs ripping from Cadens throat- one after the other. I rubbed his back, and I cried, too, but I cried quietly, careful not to take away from Caden. I brought him in close, and felt as he tucked his crumpled face between my neck and my shoulder, Hey, hey, shhh hes fine, hell be fine. I promised. My arms came up to wrap around him and squeeze, as Dr. Baylor continued to look on with sorrow and a trace of guilt, You two may wait outside for the ambulance if you wish. Blaise is in the lobby He kept speaking, but I couldnt make out a word he was saying over the sound of sobs wracking through Cadens body. I pressed my lips to his forehead.

We got to the lobby eventually. It took a while, of holding and touching and promising, until I could get Caden to come along with me. He stopped sobbing when we got there, too. He relaxed to his regular, graceful nature, his chin held high 216

McClendon Sad Songs and his neck straining as he struggled to swallow down the tears in his throat. He lost that the world is going to end look, but only mostly. I couldnt imagine that I had lost that look. Everything was pain and it was all over. The sound of sirens was growing more and more audible outside the school, and it was a constant reminder that Blaise wouldnt be at Greenwood much longer. He would wake up, I thought. He would wake up.

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Chapter 22

Blaise, in the end, was peaceful. His hands stayed open at his side, and his was face blank and without sorrow. His messy brunette hair swept over his forehead and partially covered his eyes. I thought about his dull eyes. It was like they never opened, so it wasnt so odd to see them closed. I thought about what it would be like to see Blaise finally open his eyes. I imagined they were the brightest green, even if his eyes werent completely green before. Only Hazel. Anyway, when his eyes did open, I thought that they deep, dull brown would clear away and all that would be left were a brilliant, eccentric green. I imagined that they were like mirrors. I imagined the first time I saw his eyes truly opened, expressive and bright, I would understand something, anything The first day was the worst.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden sat at the bed and painted Blaises nails a shade of soft yellow as he slept, and I watched him glide the little brush over the freshmans fingernails with practiced precision. There were tears in his eyes, which was probably what made that day so bad. It was the fact that Caden didnt stop crying all through that day. Is yellow his color? I attempted to get a laugh out of him. Of course it is, Caden reasoned, Hes an autumn. Blaise always told us that his favorite color was yellow because it reminded him of sunshine and Coldplay. He said he used to dance with Laura in her little yellow dress in their yellow kitchen with his yellow dancing shoes on. He said that was what he would do first once he got out of his wheelchair. He knew he wasnt going to get out of that wheelchair. The worst thing about that first day was that everything led to remembering Blaise: remembering his pain, the color of his cheeks when he was embarrassed or frustrated, remembering the little tune he would hum when he couldnt sleep; a lullaby that his mother had used to sing to him. It lead to remembering the way the corners of his lips would twitch upward and his cheeks would rise into the smallest smiles, just when we needed it the most. The only thing he ever treated gently was his puppy. He got roaring drunk once and it was the most uncharacteristically hilarious thing Id ever watched. He was always saying profound things that I didnt understand. He had a hair flip that made the girls knees go weak, or at least, it would, if he felt strong enough to do it. His legs were always weak. Laura and Mrs. and Mr. Luehrman came later in the afternoon, after they sifted through all the rumors and the noise and took the hour long drive from the Luehrman residence to the Indianapolis hospital. 219

McClendon Sad Songs Laura sat on the corner of Blaises bed with Shakespeare in her arms. I made Caden move so she could sit there. He was reluctant. They werent there for him when we were there for him. Caden would whisper. And maybe it was true, but we couldnt dump that all on such a young girl, with no say in the matter. So I just nodded, and turned away, mumbling something about getting lunch for us.

The second day wasnt any better, but it certainly wasnt any worse. We didnt wait for him to wake up because the doctors told us he wasnt going to today. They were still trying to figure out what happened, which was when they would rush us out of the room and leave us to wait in the hallway. On the second day, I sat, holding Cadens hand all day, as I tried to think up something profoundsomething Blaise would say in a time like this. Caden and I had kissed the night before, but it wasnt like I had imagined it at all. It was struggling. It was emotional and it wasnt out of love, but rather out of making up for something that wasnt there, and it hurt. It hurt that we were kissing for all the wrong reasons. So Id rather not talk about it. Id rather forget and remember the mistletoe incident. That was how much it hurt- I would rather remember the Mistletoe incident. I thought about all the list items that still hadnt been checked. 2. Be an optimist for a day. 3. Make a whole week without any breakdowns. 4. Understand Republican views. 220

McClendon Sad Songs 13. Get to New York City 14. Spend an entire day doing nothing but watching Harry Potter movies. 20. Dont expire early. Stay your welcome and love it.

We couldnt even get him to New York. We didnt even make plans to get him to New York. I watched him. Id had all these dreams about how it would end before. I thought about being in New York with him, where I could finally hold Cadens hand publicly. In that version he died in our hotel room, and I would look at the calendar and realize that hed lived five months and a single day. In that version, we said goodbye to Blaises family at the train station, and he reassured Laura that hed be back soon. He gave her Shakespeare before we went away. The next time, it wasnt messy or sudden like the first. Hed gone at a hospital room when his time was up, a few days after. We had completed all the list items, and he talked to us all before he went away. He told Caden that he had to stay strong, watch over me. He told Laura that she was going to be great one day, and she could tell everyone his story. He told me that it wasnt so hard to die. There were a thousand scenarios, but none of them ended like this. None of them were so messy and broken and unfinished. The truth was, it wasnt always the perfect ending, and sometimes things end when they cant, and sometimes they happen when youre seventeen so you have to carry it with you for the rest of your lifeso you always have that ghost at the window and under the bed, or casting shadows on the wall, or pain in your heart. 221

McClendon Sad Songs Sometimes all you have left is a hand to hold and tears to cry and questions to ask that never get answered. I sat down on the edge of Blaises bed, and combed through his messy hair with my fingers. Caden kissed my head. You need some rest. You should go back to Greenwood for a little while, He offered. A hand came around to rub circles in my back in a soothing attempt. When I looked over to the boy beside me, there was genuine concern in his eyes, mixed with genuine anguish. I shook my head, I couldnt. Id drive a few blocks away and turn around again. We both laughed, sadly. Because we both knew it was true, and it scared us. And we liked to pretend it didnt scare us. Because were human. And were flawed. Fuck.

The third day was better, as long as we stayed away from getting our hopes up. The drive to the hospital from Greenwood was long and awful. I could never forget the anxiety bubbling in my stomach, and how violently I clicked my pen to get it out. I could never forget how grateful I was that Caden was driving, because if I had been driving If I had been driving, maybe wed be with Blaise again soon.

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McClendon Sad Songs Caden kept one hand on the steering wheel and one had clasped with mine, our fingers laced together comfortably, just like I had memorized it. I liked to watch Caden drive. He was so cool when he drove. The wind rustled his hair, and he didnt even flinch. I liked when he switch lanes on the dry road, so confidently, the corners of his eyes crinkled as he squinted to see just a little bit further in front of him. His hand wrapped around the steering wheel and gripped it gently, almost tenderly. It wasnt a death grip like how my older brother used to drive. It was gentle and smooth Are you okay? Caden asked. No. I said. He nodded, and his flushed cheeks rose into a very small, very sad smile. I had never known a smile to be so sad. Are you okay? I asked Caden. I wasnt quite as hopeful as he was, though. I knew the answer I was getting before I thought of getting it- No. No Im not okay because my best friend didnt last and the doctors were wrong and we didnt get him to New York and I have to go to college and get married and have children and I have to go on and hes not going to, and I know that, and Im not okay with it. Or maybe just no. Caden spared a glance at me, and he didnt say anything at all, which told me more than the word no or any of my manic monologues. Cadens eyes were always open and brilliant, radiant, endlessly expressive.

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We got to the hospital a little later, and Blaise was still asleep, in his bed. The doctors had been feeding him through a tube and giving him water through another tube. It was a chilling sight. It was the moment that I realized that I didnt trust doctors. No matter what they were doing to help Blaise, all I could think of was Youre doing it wrong, you bastards and You let this happen to him, you did, this is your fault And God, please dont let him die. God. At the universally damaging age of seventeen, if I should ever put something simply, it is this: I am finding it harder by the day to believe in a god. But Blaise Luehrman? I believe in him. And I know Ill be the poor fool who looks for him in the stars. I hate doctors. Blaise didnt wake up that day either. When nine oclock came around, and the visitors hours were up, Caden drove the both of us home again. I watched how he drove, to feel a little bit of comfort, and to find something that was constant. Whenever we got to a stop light, he would take my hand and press his lips to my palm so my fingers involuntarily closed toward him. I smiled sadly. He did too.

I dont really want to talk about the fourth day. 224

McClendon Sad Songs Doctor Knightley sat down in front of us in the little room, the Luehrmans, little Laura, Caden, and I. I couldnt get out of my mind how his old, wrinkled hands shook as he began to talk to us about the life support that Blaise was on. And how, the tubes and machines that were constantly making those nightmarish noises werent going to get him much further. And how, we had to decide real soon when we wanted to pull the plug. I would never forget, either, how I saw Mrs. Luehrman swallowing back screams while Laura shook her head and cried, bringing her head down to rest in her hands; her messy brunette hair reaching toward the floor. I saw that first teardrop fall off her cheek and shatter on the floor like glass. And when I tore my gaze away from the crying young girl, Caden had his face in his hands, too, even though his face was still pink and puffy from his last crying session. I put an arm around him, exhausted and a little selfish. I put an arm around him, and sighed, and looked back down at the ground. And I pretended that none of this had happened. No cancer, no frat parties, no anti-bullying, no gay band teachers with rules for wearing bowties on Mondays, no dogs named after great European poets, no confessions, no young people with old eyes, no lists, no checks, no New York, no falling in love with best friends, no parentless-weekends, no despising holidays, no trying to fit into religion, no wheelchairs, no angst, no skipping meals, no more. No more. Please.

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McClendon Sad Songs I sat down on the edge of the chair, and for the first time since this whole thing had started, I was done being the strong one. I put my face in my hands and let the sobs in my throat go. I clutched my stomach, my fingernails caught in my shirt as I let out a scream- a cry of pain; physical, aching, endless and unutterable pain. I knew that my face would get so red it would turn white. I knew the look in Cadens eyes when he saw me let go- it was a look of fear. He would look at me like Id just killed a man. I guess now would be the right time to admit that this story doesnt end. This story stops. This is the story that you run away from, and the one that you put back on the shelf. Humans are the most selfish living creatures on the earth. When we look in the face of death and mourn for our loved ones, were still nothing but selfish. We cry out for them because theyre no longer there to supply us with what they had supplied us with before. Well miss that, so we mourn them. Mrs. Luehrman let them pull the plug that night, once Caden and I were safe at Greenwood, oblivious and out of tears. He held me that night, kept me close and whispered the sweetest lies into my hair. Itll be okay. Well get through this. Hes going to a better place. Hey, Jude? He inquired, softly. It was around midnight, then, and my hands had stopped shaking, my lower lip had stopped trembling. I had stopped reaching up to tug at my hair and crying out in pain. I had closed my stinging eyes, then, when he spoke. I felt the smallest beginnings of a smile rise in my cheeks, Yes? Dont Caden trailed off, and he paused as we both realized that we were laughing, bitter and sad, but still laughing, Dont make it bad. 226

McClendon Sad Songs He opened his mouth to sing the next line, until I swept in and kissed him. I allowed myself to take comfort in the way our lips fit together like they were made too. Like, I finally knew the reason why I was alive- just to fit my lips against his. It still wasnt the type of kissing him that Id imagined. It was still all pain, and all Blaise. But this time, when I felt his tear brush against my cheek mid lip-lock, I knew that it would get better. One day. One day we would believe all those lies. One day I could kiss him like I had imagined. When we pulled away, he was curling in on himself again and letting sobs wrack his body. The process started over, without warning. Harsh cries filled the room. I reset. I held him, and this time, I was the strong one. And I didnt even mind, for a second. I imagined the tone of Blaises machines; the slow beep beep beep. I imagined it going still to a low, eerie tone. I imagined Laura walking away from the hospital that night, with Shakespeare in her arms. I imagined them coming back to the dorm the next week and gathering his stuff. I imagined going back to the dorm across the hall with Caden, with the cheaply painted white walls, and the alarm clocks from the eighties. I imagined us playing that game in the morning where he hides my hairgel from me. Its okay, I whispered to Caden, Hey, were going to be okay. Dear Blaise, I thought, you taught me a lot of things. You taught me how possible it is to fix an entire student body in a matter of weeks. You taught me how reasonable it is to believe that death isnt really

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McClendon Sad Songs that awful. You taught me how to look at fear in the eye and kick him in the balls. You taught me how to love, endlessly, and how to break someones heart without saying anything at all. You taught me that the Beatles dont know anything and that humans are selfish. You taught me how to be a man. And I can never thank you for that. And maybe Im busy wallowing in self-pity over how much Ill miss you and how you destroyed me from the inside how Ill never be the same but you are the sweetest sad song I am likely to ever hear. This is my promise to you to make it better. Thanks, Dude. I hope they have Toddlers and Tiaras in heaven.

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