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Dark Movies I enjoyed.
A movie for every year
Reviews
Cobweb (2023)
Brush this away.
It is comforting to know that this movie was seen by few people and admired by much fewer.
Highly derivative and poorly thought through meditation on fear itself (don't you hate it when horror does that) as we see the world through the eyes of a child who has a lot more than just kid stuff to worry about.
Strangely admirable along a philosophic level as we see demonstrated the reality that mother simply does not always know best and that what we call children "running away" should be dubbed "escaping".
This was similar to "The Lodge" in that there is sort of an ambiguity of the real villain but they lean so hard into one possibility they repel toward predicting any twist or plot point that might have been satisfying.
Visually stunning with its atmospheric evocation of a sinister autumn, sadly the director thinks they're artsy and does some dumb stuff with giant shadows and unearned camera movements.
The approach to sound is predictably typical.
There's also a Matilda vibe with some substitute teacher who might as well have been the regular teacher thrown in there, presumably as some kind of audience surrogate even though it doesn't really apply here.
Also...Halloween is a big part of it. It opens with informing us "one week before halloween". Never mention the halloween exists in horror that is so basic...
The very title is based on stuff just shoved in there.
The ideal horror movie if you really want to see karma.
Orphan: First Kill (2022)
I really want to recommend this to any fan of the first one if they are able to have realistic expectations.
Maybe I gained a lot from watching with low expectations.
I knew going in, either this is going to be spectacularly stupid or they have pulled off something very impressive.
Mostly the latter!
OK, let's get the realization question out of the way: it pretty much works. They are so slick with their editing and body doubles and stuff that the story just flows seemlessly around this actor who is as wonderful as ever.
OK, yes: she is no longer a girl: She is a beautiful young woman and her face reflects that maturity. But I found it possible to look past this the way you look past the strings of a marionette or that opera singers are singing and not speaking.
I don't want to say too much about the story except that while it makes nowhere near as much sense as you would like it to, it is far better than it has any right to be.
It's similar but a definite variation that admirably plays into how this time we want more and more Ester but this time sort of from the other perspective.
The title straight up lies, it's more like the 5th or 6th but who really cares?
One thing that did annoy me is that there is too much English dialogue and not enough Estonian/Russian. In 1997, any Estonian adult would have lived most of their lives in the USSR and so any expert coming to an Estonian institution would likely have either been Estonian or come from somewhere else in the Soviet Union so the opening scenes could be in Russian as well.
Esther is just so cool...yes, she's a sort of a monster but aren't we all? I wouldn't call this a horror; you will find yourself trying to resist the urge to root for this most charismatic of anti-heroines.
Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie (2024)
Just rewatch one of the first two...
I always noticed the conspicuous absence of Sandy from the first movie. She had a cameo but she could have had something a bit more substantial considering she is Spongebob's only truly reasonable confidante.
The corporate made it up to her with "Sponge out of Water" though but I chose to keep an open mind about this blatant feminist baiting. Of course, I am one of those feminists (an easy thing to be) and it's a new Spongebob Movie. The movies are pretty much better than the latter episodes, right?
Anyway...the CGI animation puts it in continuity with "Sponge on the Run" or "Camp Coral" for me so perhaps that helped me put my expectations way down. There's a lot of blatant hero-worship of Sandy but soon the first act is filling with fast paced material problem solving and some more than adequate gags as she gets paired up with our favorite invertebrate.
Moving the show onto dry land worked for me: it mixed up the design and the interaction with mostly other anthropomorphs keeps everything on-brand.
The element with Sandy's family was intriguing but ultimately derivative.
It's the third act that makes me feel unwilling to recommend this, even to the fans.
It brings us more decisively into the human world with way too much emphasis on characters that are not what we go to a Spongebob movie to see. Mindy the Mermaid was an excellent edition because she felt like part of that world and that sense of humor.
Wanda Skykes is a legend in the world of comic acting and while she does bring something, she is really shortchanged in the quality of writing.
Some of the creative decisions like that thing with her adult head on the child's body in the flashback...it worked in "The love guru" because it was both Mike Myers and the protagonist of the movie. Without spoiling anything, they take this movie to a dark place and sometimes it is grotesquely impressive and other times it just looks like garbage in that way that CGI wrapped around human actors often looks like garbage. You'll see what I mean...
I didn't feel cheating by this movie; I suppose we are long past the point where having Robert Squarepants' likeness on something is some kind of assurance of quality.
But it's as good as you had any reason to expect.
Jurassic World: Chaos Theory (2024)
Improvement.
I'm somewhat surprised to say that while I found the preceding series as a spectrum from OK to pretty good, this became the best thing on TV for a couple of months. If there's one fault with Camp Cretaceous it is NOT the characterization and group dynamic and following these people I almost feel I know going out into the bigger world was compelling.
Now we're dealing with the world of humans and dinosaurs are just in it. It's a fresh change from what we've seen them in so far and the staggered return of the old cast was an excellent creative decision as the narrative deals with interpersonal drama from what has gone down in the interim, the mystery of what's going on and plenty of material threat.
They aren't sugar-coating this and I think that even those underwhelmed by Camp Cretaceous should give this a look.
I gotta say though, the final moments of the first season really ticked me off.
Kaguya-hime no monogatari (2013)
Worthy of its maker but don't watch it last of his films.
I would just love to tell you that Takahata's final picture was a flawless swansong to the work of the greatest film-maker ever (5 for 5 with me...).
Is this good? Yes. Do I have certain reservations about it? Sadly also yes.
Richly animated more like an illustration rather than the kitsch one associates with its studio, this is best approached as just a long fairytale like its title suggests. There is a folkloric simplicity that is charming and unassuming for the most part.
A story of priorities and what we value though I suppose all stories are sort of about that. We go on a journey to discover the meaning of being "princess" or perhaps that's the wrong word...as the bamboocutter and his wife delve into the superficiality of high society, balls, arranged marriage and aristocracy that is indistinguishable from the bourgeois wannabes, Kaguya trails behind as a passive protagonist, being treated as a toy to marry off on the pretence of nobility.
She's cute and all but if this movie has a flaw, it's that they didn't give it's title character much of a personality. She does a lot as she navigates the circumstances she is forced into and uses cunning to side-step the unsavory reality of family obligation and one-sided courtship. This story-line takes up a noticably large chunk of runtime and is a case of a good bedtime story being stretched to breaking point.
Kaguya is a bit too perfect and indeed that sort of is the point as someone from beyond this world being raised into a shallow concept of nobility at the expense of knowing hard work and who your real friends are.
The elite are the villains of course and they get too annoying to be entertaining at certain times. Kaguya eventually adopts a parental and sanctimonious stance of how natural is better which we should all know is a lie.
Over-long, but admirable as its maker always is, it is a fairlytale with a dark edge.
Boyz n the Hood (1991)
Convincing.
The zeitgeist of what inspired the most familiar form of rap is here in buckets as we see a boy who is already almost a man grow into a man who still basically just a boy. Or something...
The father figure dominates a lot of screen time and it's effective I guess even if he isn't terribly charismatic.
The jump to adulthood is expected but still offers a big disconnect. I thought Ice Cube was the boy from earlier but I was wrong.
They manage to convey the range of opinions without being as blunt or transparent as a South Park episode and there is a certain pretence lyricism.
Nevertheless the whole thing is convincingly realized.
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)
Everything you want it to be.
Finally I have found this movie with that clip with Owl Man.
Maybe it shouldn't have been a theatrical release but classic comic conflict goes down in this mature but not big headed romp with all the iconic guys.
Batman is funnier than usual which is great and it's plot of a parallel world's own superpeople oppressing may not be the most original but it's the execution that makes it.
I think it's unfair to condemn the people of that world who totally knew how bad the syndicates were but just saw them as too powerful to challenge. I hate to say this but it makes more sense than that classic Justice League episode where they go to a parallel world because here it's a whole superpowered army.
Miraculous - Le film (2023)
Explicably good. What luck.
I put a lot of faith into this because I really liked the series and it was a chance to witness these characters with a blank slate; anything they may have said previously that annoyed could be disregarded in this new continuity.
It's hard to really know what to say. This movie is pretty much what you expect. We're retrotting familiar territory and they are more than a little self aware about that with a joking use of George Michael to represent that moment of first attraction.
Vibrantly animated with enchanting character design, authentic to their original looks but just...better somehow. The music is cool, both original and established and the set pieces are immense.
I suppose you just need to be realistic going in, which I wasn't.
It irked me when Alya abuses technology with Chloe. I know you're allowed to film anyone outdoors but t still got to me.
I think this will provide the closure to many fans that they hope but don't expect the show to ever give them.
Watch in French...
No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie (2024)
A few coincidences but whatever.
These Paramount Plus cash in specials never seem auspicious but they have been so far so good.
I like the vibe and characters of the Loud House though I think I've reached a point where I can either take them or leave them, but I liked the first movie an this was an excellent follow up: excellent as a made for home-media follow up, not the theatres but still plenty of fun.
The homage to the spy genre and how they work that into the character ark really works and the over-all theme of the franchise (that family is something worth holding out for) yet again works without going all traditional values on us.
I did not care for some flatulence gags but a lot of it is pretty funny, sometimes maybe a little predictable but over all a worthy addition to the series which manages to be more than a little touching.
Titanic - La leggenda continua (2000)
Thanks for letting me know...
There's not much left to say about this movie that hasn't already been said.
They say it needs to be seen to be believed and indeed it is fascinating to see something that requires the laborous work of animation and yet still radiate a special kind of unprofessionalism, as if the script was all just knocked out in a day.
It is difficult in my mind to disentangle what was in this and what was in the OTHER one but talking about the plot is redundant. Everything about it is paint by numbers; you can feel the kind of story they think they're telling and the over riding emotion is just a sense of pity that they have fallen so far from the mark.
Is it entertaining as trash? Well, for 5 minutes maybe but then it keeps going and going...
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (2020)
I can't believe this premise filled 5 seasons so well.
A show that fills a niche in your life.
I'm done with the Tales of Arcadia franchise for the moment and this was definitely an upgrade.
Is this series a masterpiece? No, but it ticks all the boxes: a bunch of characters who would never associate in real life are forced together and learn those lessons of working together, opening up and not judging a book by its cover.
In time I came to really love these guys, 50% of them being super cute. I had mixed feelings about Brooklyn but over all she is a good presence.
The set pieces are stunning, the tone is mature with that sense of humor you need and of course the real evil is humanity's greed.
Good Burger 2 (2023)
Complements to the chef.
A movie that is hard to believe was made but is also, strangely, so much better than it has any right to be.
They didn't dump this out; they thought about it and gave us something with just that right amount of nostalgia baiting in a story that's not too original but has all the right ingredients (tee hee).
These movies are ultimately a story of friendship and how we often find we get better friends than we deserve even if we don't realise it at first.
It's a lot of fun catching up with Ed and seeing he has built a life for himself he truly loves and without really going anywhere for it.
There is a little bit of plotting weakness since it all relies on a bit of cliche to really pin down the conflict but there is an admirable lucidity and self-deprecation that the writers do not coast on.
Thompson and Mitchel are just a pair of jewels from my childhood and I cannot not love seeing them together on top form.
Over all it's a satisfying silly escapade that wisely puts its budget into its set pieces and not it's fire effects.
Several little things come up in the 3rd act, it's basic but cute.
A sequel worthy of its predecessor though I go not approve of the flatulence joke.
The After Party (2018)
Just listen to 2 hours of rap instead.
Ever wondered what a generic movie looks like? Not one so bad it's fascinatingly bad or one you can rip on for comedic effect on your struggling online channel but one that is just so in-between you don't even realise it until later?
A story of youthful aspiration and that crossroads in which dreams and practicality clash, one friend has a passion for performing and the other friend has a passion in him.
Too much of this plot revolves around this obnoxious after-party though it paints a vivid picture of the snootiness of vapid VIPs. That Blasia hooker was such a pill, screw her (without paying).
Overall this progresses and develops though it definitely over-stays its welcome. The romantic interest is annoying and it's crazy how all these rappers I assume are famous actually appear as themselves.
Oh, at one point they're told they need to find girls to get into the party so they get some from a Bat Mitzvah and the doorwoman says "where did you get them from, Sesame Street?"
I mean...I know Sesame street is a kids' show but you don't really associate kids as being ON the show so much as monsters or adults so it's a very poorly thought through line of dialogue. They're not even obviously that young.
Bundy and the Green River Killer (2019)
Whoever wrote this really trusts law enforcement.
A movie that feels like it was made for television and doesn't feel like a professional job in terms of writing.
When you avoid conventional story structure you gamble seeming avant-garde or just poorly thought through and one is just left with the feeling that this just always just have been a documentary.
Bundy is barely part of it. He has a few scenes and I like this actor though I would hardly have thought he was Bundy if I hadn't been told. At first I thought "he MUST be the Green River killer". But he wasn't.
So Bundy is a supporting role behind the cops and the killer and we get the emotional journey and the toll this took on one detectives life to find this answer that was always there.
Tainted by the vibe of masculine rage in which the evil of killing the innocent doesn't really go without saying, there is a lot of obnoxiousness here, sort of making the murderer characters the most agreeable to follow.
There is no subtext, they straight up talk things out with this daughter who is at least 30 and somehow still in high-school hero-worshipping her hero-cop dad. The dialogue just never flows compellingly.
It's about neither of its title characters but this cop and while I don't want to give spoilers...the end just comes when it wants to.
I liked the depiction of the Green river guy. This vision of low-key family man with a dark secret was familiar but probably the most well handled thing in the picture since they don't lay it on too thick.
The Casagrandes Movie (2024)
Con mucho amor.
I never watched the show avidly (there's just so much stuff) I am aware of it and I have nothing negative to say about it.
This feature length version of that is on-brand and does everything it should. Dripping with local color, both Hispanic and indigenous Mexico are brought to mind with each one of its huge cast getting some time to shine.
Dealing with the conflict of needing your independence but how family is still a special part of you, this was a well thought through, well told story of mortals and gods with super set pieces and visuals.
It's hard to know what else to say; for a general audience it may seem trite but I think the fans will be satisfied.
Ibiza (2018)
I bet it's not even the best movie called "Ibiza".
One of those utterly disposable movies whose script just waits on some shelf as insurance for a lack of other ones.
I enjoy the vision of almost thirty year olds going wild on vacation much to the chagrin of their companion.
We've seen movies like this movie: festive context is used as a way for someone about 30 so re-assess where they are going in their life; a less well made variation of Dirty Thirty, not a movie I really remember well but it was still better.
Plotted using duct tape and glue, so much of this depends on chance encounters and you to just go along with the idea that a beautiful woman would go out of her way for this one guy.
I watched with the hopes of nudity and got maybe a tiny bit but while this is overall watchable with that boss character happily getting what she deserves, I do not remember this fondly.
There's something cowardly and derivative about this: maybe whoever wrote this had true passion for Harper really finding herself but there is just an obnoxiousness and a smugness and a complacency trailed throughout the whole of this.
They have these British tourists who just there for some reason. They're pretty mean to one of them.
Fascinating for how paint by numbers the whole thing is, you're missing nothing much by missing this.
Over the Moon (2020)
Better than it had a right to be.
Instantly very charming work that you really want to root for though it proves that something can be written engagingly without being written well (quote unquote).
The lush local flavor of the modern Chinese town with all its foods, lore and ways couples with stunning and adorable character animation might even appeal to my mother.
(NB she find Frozen unwatchable because their eyes are too big).
There's an eye for visual storytelling and the move to the moon has an original aesthetic not quite science fiction not quite fantasy in the familiar way.
The weakness is that you quickly find yourself having to meet this half way on so many plot points. You have to constantly negotiate what makes sense including the points of conflict or even double check with yourself if you really understand the motivations.
They also introduce a major character too late.
The songs are good though and they drastically change style with the changing plot.
Finding Dory (2016)
Pity about the casting but the rest is fine.
I never like admitting to liking a pixar movie but this was better than even it had a right to be.
Memory is an aspect of the first movie because it's one character who cannot remember much at all paired with one who is haunted by a specific memory.
So there's this thematic link but it's really about exploring more of this character; about how we lose so much by the loss of memory, gain much and ultimately it is what you make it. Dory feels a lot more like someone who is disabled and yet oddly handicapable instead of really a gag character but they're not douchey about it.
Without giving too much away, they do a lot take us visually away from the first movie as we discover new types of landscapes with impressive set pieces, humor, the new characters fitting in naturally and just the right amount of fan service.
It actually makes the first movie make more sense.
Billy Elliot (2000)
Why would she show her butt?
One of those movies that's weirdly as good as you hope it will be.
It's easy to be sentimental about it waving the flag for self-expression, beating the stereotype and just the permission to be sensitive and cute against the backdrop of proletarian masculinity and though this can be soapy in parts, it all makes sense, treats its audience with respect and is handled with a cinematic panache fitting of its subject matter.
Serious but not austere, hopeful but not sentimental. What makes Billy a great protagonist is that it is believable that he would like dancing but he isn't campy. It all adds balance.
Very touching, it adds something that even the musical didn't.
The Loud House (2021)
So much rule34...so much...
Impeccable translation to the large screen that is heartfelt, well thought through and always on-brand.
The scope is bigger for its formidable foreign setting (less foreign to me but never mind), the presence of fantasy elements that so belong and exploring a theme that is very relevant to the show's premise.
Yes, Lincoln feels less than special in his large family which is quite understandable. They establish so early how the life of this family is constant competition for space balanced against incredible love in all directions.
There is superb intrigue, set pieces, new characters with all the old ones getting their due screen-time...
As much as I like the original show, I guess it is quite hit and miss and it will be a while before I catch up on the episodes.
But if you know where this thing is coming from creatively, this could really work for someone not familiar, or even a huge fan of the show.
It really is the best food put forward.
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile (2019)
Extremely...something...I had something for a moment...it's fine for what it is...
I really love seeing how Zac Efron survived his Disney channel self by date and really showed his capacity for a formidable, nuanced, chameleonic actor.
Fresh off Dahmer is a different kind of Killer.
It's not really about the killings though; this takes you right back to the era, experiencing this man who might just have been a charming, falsely accused man or possibly the worst.
We know of course but you start to go along with the battle of rhetoric that takes place as you start to appreciate that for so long Ted was many things to different people and not how he is known now.
It's fascinating how the prosecution becomes someone you really want to root against for how obnoxious they are.
Kind of a downer story but it's fast paced enough to work.
It isn't really about or from the point of view of that kid.
Barbie (2023)
What could have and should have been a masterpiece is just OK
I really want to give this every chance; to see them utilize this cultural icon and use her as a tool to satirize the gender and sexuality that she represents.
It's a vibrant and rather charming story of the self-aware, vaguely post-modern kind and putting her into her doll-world was cute even it all becomes a bit derivative of the Lego Movie after a point.
Watching her on her journey has so has so many little spins on it; this is not a movie just for small children, this movie had a message and a loud way of saying it. It is not just a rich story in which the message sort of developes.
A very long essay would be required to pick apart all the nuances of its manifesto and its plot. While charming on the visual and cinematic level, as an intellectual experience, I'll just suffice to say that this was poorly thought through.
They're pro-feminist and pro-individualist and ultimately use barbie as an icon of empowerment and diversity so this movie is basically right in principle.
Now I had something cleverish worked out, what was it...
Oh yeah. I thought that while trying to be postmodern and meta-referential they strangely lacked self-awareness.
They seemed to want to make you think about stuff and yet you CANNOT over-think this movie and its plot except to ridicule it.
That teenager is really obnoxious but she's supposed to be.
The real protagonist is Ken and I that for the third act I had to meet this movie two thirds of the way for any of it to feel like reasonable conflict.
Margot Robbie was miscast. She just doesn't feel like a Barbie.
Their concept of the Barbie world was half-baked too. I got the impression that how their toy counter-parts are played with in the real world affect them in the Barbie world, in fact, it's a major plot point. Yet...it seems that our world does not affect the barbies at all unless it is strictly necessary for the plot.
I think this idea, not just a Barbie movie but one used to take a post-modern sledgehammer to gender and sexuality, was a movie that needed to be made but should have been given to a different screen-writer.
Direction is good though, just the wrong person behind the type-writer.
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One (2023)
Deuteragonist is trash.
I find it hard to get excited about yet another one of these but once I start watching, I go along with the fun of it all though the whole thing is a bit austere.
There is humor thank goodness but it's often smug humor.
The concept is similar to the third Johnny English Movie.
I'm going to give a soft spoiler, something that happens in the first act:
OK, ready?
I was very impressed how there's this chick who I don't remember from any previous movies at all but how you get the impression she's going to be a big part of this movie but then she's killed.
I was irked to find that she survived and then became the deuteragonist.
A bland and uncharismatic character that calls people hurtful names.
The respect and admiration I have for the Italian nation and culture notwithstanding, I really do not respect those men whom Ethan should just karate chopped with extreme prejudice.
It was a great climax for a part 1 of a larger thing.
The Birds (1963)
Line your canary's cage with this.
Brokeback Mountain was a short story that was easily able to be adapted into a feature length film, despite covering decades of its characters' lives.
This movie was based on a short story and totally feels like it.
Desperate filler after desperate filler is the experience of this movie as we go through a parade of bland characters with null back-stories that only makes you more and more desperate to see someone get pecked to death.
The long awaited scenes of avian aggression and suspense are pretty well realized but are truly not worth the wait.
There is nothing to this except feathered friends inexplicably turning vicious which is kind of the point but after sitting through so much that was inconsequential it all feels insulting.
No, I do not feel more empathy for these characters after seeing something of their human lives. No, it does not feel more terrifying to see regular life suddenly turn evil.
Hitchcock isn't a particularly amazing film-maker; partly because mostly he just directs but he is a typical director who lucked out with some good scripts but THIS is not one of them.
Ted (2024)
It's so good that even with Blair it's still the best thing on TV. And Blair sucks!
One of the very best things on television right now. More than just a mindless thing to distract you; a reminder than some writers out there genuinely know what they're doing, know their way around a joke and can keep it fresh.
It's amazing how low one's standard for comedy can get when you just want something to watch but here is some real professionalism and the story telling isn't half bad either.
If you like that Family Guy-esque tit-for-tat humor in which people say absurd things but they follow through on it as if they had workshopped it all day, then this will please you.
Real laugh out loud moments are there and it's not just shock humor; they are real jokes.
But you also have the characters: this vision of an archetypal family, not idealized but still deeply empathetic with its gentle mom character who can't say a word against anyone without feeling bad and her toxic masculine husband that really got under my skin as a man who might have horrific things to say about gays and women but if a fragile and damaged product of his upbringing.
My main negative is Blair. She is so the worst character and the worst thing in this show. She needs to be there but I hope the writers make her better for season 2. Progressive politics are not a substitute for a personality now matter how admirable the sentiments are. She is smug and sanctimonious, apparently desperate to talk down to people at the expense of furthering the causes she claims to believe in.
The politics talk can be hard to take but the story telling is solid: Macfarlane seems to really want to prove to people than he can do more than the semi-sketch comedy of FG and really spin a narrative. Chekhov gun applies here in a spontaneous way, sometimes planting ideas in one episode that comes to fruition in another.
And the episodes respect their audience. They don't end in these cliche "ha-ha you failed loser" kind of way. You'll see what I mean.
As always with these kinds of shows, the weakest jokes are ironic allusions to the future but never mind.