Change Your Image
phantommullet-92434
Reviews
Return to the Theatre of Terror (2023)
Long and dull
The segments go on FOR EV ER. FOR. EV. ER. Especially the second one. Plots are very basic and predictable, nothing new here to write home about (not going to "spoil" them for you).
Acting is bad. Editing is bad (why the hell is this 2.5 hours ?!?!?!?). There is a litterslly 10 minutes of a guy yelling. Ten solid minutes of a dude yelling.
It's very restrained. Movie is not rated, but it probably could get a PG status. I don't remember any nudity or swearing. No graphic violence (although I guess the little bit of violence and 'adult situations' might get it a pg13).
It gets 3 stars because it doesn't look or sound awful (for thr most part). At least they didn't shoot it on an iPhone.
Slay (2024)
Very fun
I wish i could give this 9.5 stars. In my opinion, 10 is reserved for your absolute favorites, and while i will definitely watch this again, its not quite there.
Excellent acting, a plot that was hammy but not stupid, decent action and mostly practical effects.
I really don't have much to complain about (which is not what I expected from a Tubi original). There were a couple blood after effects that looked pretty bad, and a few plot points that were pretty obvious, but they were very minor.
Had a good soundtrack too. Very appropriate for a drag show mixed with vampire horror.
Watch it for free on Tubi.
The Evil Inside Her (2019)
Her friend's were weirdly OK with her self-harm
I didn't select this movie, it was a Tubi auto-play after another stinker ("Truth or Double Dare"), but I decided to give it a try.
First thing I saw was Eric Roberts top billed which meant I was in for a cheapo movie with little to no plot.
So the movie starts with a girl going nuts while her elderly father makes her breakfast, and then she kills him for some reason. Then we just hard cut to two couples vacationing in the (the same?) cabin. Eric Roberts insists on buying the lead's coffee, which is our catalyst.
She just keeps burning, cutting, and mutilating herself for no apparent reason, and her boyfriend and friends just keep letting her bandage it rather than taking her to the hospital. By morning, she is killing them, and then Eric Roberts shows back up to say he drugged her to make her internal suppressed anger (?) rise because he hates their generation? Really dumb ending.
We then end on Eric Roberts, dressed like a janitor at an elementary school. Is this implying that he is just a janitor, or is he going to make those kids all kill each other?
Giving it a 2nd star just because the cinematography was not offensive. Sound design was ok. Would not watch again or recommend.
The Hive (2023)
One of the worst movies I've ever seen
This movie is a weird combination of laziness with money thrown at it. Based on the lighting and some of the cinematography, this production had more budget than the usual indie garbage. Having said that, I wish they had spent $50 on a tripod. Majority of this movie is shakey cam, which does not make thematic sense.
The actors are all bad. Really bad. Having said that, the characters are also awful. Nothing is likable here.
OK, let's get into it. Spoilers. An awful couple goes to the "opera" (I put that in quotes because you don't see it), has a flat tire for no reason, and then finds aliens in their house looking for something that doesn't exist, because the aliens are also stupid. Couldn't wait for this movie to end.
Castigation (2023)
D- For Effort
If it could give it 1.5 stars, i would. D- is still a passing grade i guess. Obviously a very cheap movie, but the writing is just bad. They threw a ton of spaghetti at the wall, and almost nothing stuck, bu that sure didn't stop them.
Its a series of very short stories that barely tie together to a shell story with people telling "scary" stories in tents. Nothing was particularly interesting, and a few were down right befuddling. I still don't understand what i was supposed to get out of the cold open story. What did the funeral have to do with the "Dad" (i say that because he is practically the same age as his children) and how did the story tie to the shell story?
I dunno, wouldn't recommend. I like B movies, but this one was just meh. Nothing interesting. Nothing funny bad.
Horror in the Forest (2023)
3.7 stars on imdb...
Weird how there are over 15 10 star reviews for this movie when it has this rating. Almost like those could have purchased? Just a theory.
Boring Blair witch rip off. I knew it was bad in first 5 minutes. Mother and daughter hike into deep woods and don't start setting up camp until dark. I would have loved to see them drag thar giant, non collapsible, patio chair all the way out there. I guess it was just there?
Set up fire, and then start setting up tent. No firelight brightening the tent building, but I guess the moon was out, full, and about 100,000 miles closer to earth than it should have been to produce that light. Still better than day for night I suppose.
Then, the daughter starts screaming that she saw something, and the mother bursts into the tent and whines that it's 3am and the was sleeping. Why was she not sleeping in the tent?
Finally, they used a round template to make it look like the entire Forrest wasn't lut by their foray of lights. They thought that would make it look like it was just a single flashlight? It looked awful, it was kind of nauseating, and they did it for a good portion of the movie.
I don't even want to continue talking about this further. It's just making me angry. Why do such a direct Blair witch rip off in 2023?
Burial Ground Massacre (2021)
Boring
OK premise I guess, but not a lot happens. Just 5 or 6 teens throwing a RAGING party (aka they sit around a mansion and talk). Two of the girls randomly decide to take a shower or bath in this strangers house .... not something I've ever done at a house party, but whatever I guess. Really loved how they both lit candles to make their house party showe more moody.
Also has tiny John Cena being a dirt bag to women. That was kinda fun I guess.
Oh yeah, and there is masked killer wondering around and eventually killing to get his hands on a ring.
Ending was very bad. If this was edited down to about 30 minutes, I'd give it 3 stars.
Nutcracker Massacre (2022)
Pretty bad
I didn't expect much from a movie called 'Nutcracker Massacre', but I at least expected to see a massacre. Most the kills are off screen or quick cut aways. No good gore.
I didn't clock it, but sure felt like Grandpa exposition (the toy maker guy) rambled on the nonsense nutcracker story for 20 minutes. I could barely follow it because my eyes kept getting heavy.
The nutcracker design was awful. Why would anyone put up that cracked face decoration in their house to begin with? Why did they mic the guy inside the suit? It sounds like he hooked up to CPAP machine whenever he is on screen. Did they think he was a Darth Vader-esque villain?
Finally, if were the boyfriend, i would not have been trying to make up with our protagonist, as she is clearly insane. With no provocation or proof, she sees a guy and a nutcracker missing, and immediately jumps to the conclusion that the nutcracker is haunted or somehow evil, and drags the boyfriend to Grandpa exposition.
Little Bone Lodge (2023)
Worth watching
Saw this listed as a tubi exclusive and prepared for the worst. Then I saw it was British horror and held on harder. To my surprise, the movie held together quite well. Cinematography was quite good. Sound mixing was not offensive like I'm accustomed to in cheap British horror. The acting was surprisingly excellent. The female lead was very compelling. The slower robber brother was also a good casting choice.
I really don't want to get into spoilers on this review. Will say that I have seen a couple movies with similar plots and saw some of the twists coming, but it took a hard right turn at the end that I didn't expect.
Midnight Screening (2021)
Worst screening ever
I watch a lot of horror. I love good horror, and also watch a ton of b and garbage flicks on services like tubing. This is the worst thing I've watched in a while.
Lazy attempt to capitalize on the covid shutdown of both movie studios and theaters. The plot.... non existent. The characters have so many pointless conversations that add nothing. Who cares if blond girl #2 broke up with her boyfriend? Who cares if all the horny guys want to hire the hot girl that applied for a job? None of this has any meaning.
The acting is awful. The 5.7 rating this movie currently has is a travesty. Also, evert death is off screen.
To summarize: nothing happens in this movie. It should not exist.
Blood Harvest (2023)
The perfect torture film
I don't know what else these people were going for other than to make something to torture answers out of me. I don't know what they wanted, but I wanted to give it to them to make it stop.
The sound engineer is either incompetent or an evil genius. They recorded about 20 to 30 seconds of ambient outside noise that they played on loop during every scene where it is daytime (90% of the movie). That clicking bird on the same off rather pattern made me want to drive a spike through my head.
Everything is mixed so poorly. I constantly had to adjust the volume between scenes.
The cinematographer also needs to clean their camera lense. The scene where the daughter wonders around the house at night (a needed reprieve from the birds) had dirt on the lens. Inthought I had four deadly pixels on my TV for a minute.
The direction and acting.... did they tell these people to mumble? It's so bad that the AI generated subtitles on prime couldn't understand about 10% of it.
Oh, and the story. Done before. Boring.
Don't give them the view unless you need the detonation code from your enemy.
All Your Friends Are Dead (2022)
This 7.0 score is unacceptable
This is the average independent movie you would expect for probably a 10k budget with no trained or experienced actors. Nothing about this stands out other than the banality of it. The "twist" is obvious. No kills happen until the last 30 minutes. Effects are plug-in trash.
In case anyone wants to know: a high school jock star now sucks as an adult. He is a drunk loser who works after a bar and about to lose his inherited grandma's house. He decides he want to kill himself at a high school "camp site" and emails all his old friends. Most of them come to his rescue, and then he eventually kills them after a lot of stupid, awkward dialog.
Dead Squad: Temple of the Undead (2018)
Don't bother
It's not good. It's not funny bad. It's that middle of the road, generic zombie, movie thar you will forger about as you watch it.
Nothing it good. I love bad horror movies, and there was nothing for me here.
Did kind of enjoy the fact that they ADRed 2 or 3 of the teens to hide their british/audtrailan/new Zealand accents and try to pretend like this movie is set in North America??? Seems more likely that it is set in south America judging by the jungle and Mayanesque temple. This movie establishes nothing.
Didn't even know the two scrawny dork boys were brothers until about 30 minutes in.
Lazy production. Do not give them money.
Homecoming Massacre (2020)
Director made ever mistake possible
Please ignore the only other review on here. I'm sure they gave it 10/10 because they were somehow involved with this garbage heap.
1. There is no gore. The kills are the most basic little stabbings with very little effects.
2. The acting is awful. I've seen 4th grade plays do better.
3. Day for night . .. do I need to continue listing the awful mistakes that every director should know not to do by now?
4. The music . . .I think they hired a local garage band to make both "exciting metal" and "eerie ambiance". Neither is good, and they are frequently cut hard and awkwardly.
5. Speaking of cuts, frequent hard cuts between scene transitions is jarring.
6. There is no plot. Kid kills people in first 5 minutes, you know he is crazy, and as soon as he gets out of the nuthouse (within 10 minutes) he winks to the camera.
7. Boring. Its just plain boring.
Das Privileg (2022)
Watch Society (1989) instead
Out of the gate, i already knew what this movie was, a bad ripp-off of a great 80's (late) horror classic.
Not going to say much else because, if you haven't seen it, Society is best enjoyed without any idea what you are getting into.
Don't waste your time with this one; watch Society.