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You Can't Run Forever (2024)
A frustrating watch.
I like J. K. Simmons as an actor, he brings a lot to the table in the vast majority of films i've seen him in. In this, he brings everything to the table. Were it not for his performance, this film would be among the worst ever made.
He exudes menace in this, he's akin to The Terminator, or Michael Myers. He's an unrelenting machine, who systematically wipes out anyone who gets in his way, and he's truly fantastic to watch. Unfortunately there's also that element where you feel like you're watching someone shooting ducks at the fairground, such is the intelligence of those he easily picks off.
The Protagonist, is meant to be suffering from anxiety, and OK, fair enough, but suffering from anxiety doesn't turn you into a braindead zombie like this girl is. She knows she's being chased by a complete nutter with a gun, he almost immediately caught up to her, and sat beside her on a boulder, so she knows he can be mere metres away at any given time. Does she once look behind her when she decides to stop and try to make a phone call, or get other people involved? No. She seems completely oblivious to anything and everything. She's yelling, and screaming, and causing others to yell and scream, which to any rational, or remotely intelligent person, is a big 'no no'. Stay as quiet as you can, surely?
When she does stop, it's in a wide open space. Not once does she look for cover, which is just mind boggling. She has zero survival instinct, either in order to save herself, or anyone else.
The other thing which tends to grind my gears with these films where someone is being chased through the wide open countryside, is that the 'hunter' always goes the right direction, no matter how much of a head start the 'prey' has. It then invariably results in the 'prey' stopping for two minutes, and the 'hunter' being right there 30 seconds later, even though the 'prey' has had a half day head start, and is running, while the 'hunter' is walking.
They attempted a surprise near the end, but it was obvious what was going to happen. This really could've been a very good film, had they tried to do something different with it. All we got was a rehash of 100 films films which have gone before it.
The 3 stars i've given this film is purely for J. K. Simmons. He saves this film from being a complete flop.
Saturday Night (2024)
Sorry. I'm busy on Saturday's.
Not being American i'm not overly familiar with 'Saturday Night Live', but i'm obviously familiar with the characters portrayed in this film.
This was poorly cast, and for me, poorly written. It's an interesting concept to try and show the excitement, nervousness, and utter mayhem which could very well be a part of preparing for a big live show. It's just a shame this wasn't better.
It might also have been an idea to include some humour in here, since it is about an alleged comedy show. It was just dull, chaotic, and very simply, not funny in the least.
There's not much more to say about this in all honesty. I'm sure if you're American, and watched the early series, you'll get something from this.
Ted Lasso (2020)
Caught offside far too often.
For some reason, i thought this was a film, rather than a series.
I went searching for it a few days ago, and decided to binge-watch. I just finished the final episode, and so decided i'd write a review.
The best series, was the first one. Series two started to get very typically American. It was overly sentimental, and started to become far too political. Series three was by far, the worst of the three. It went all in for the schamltzy American overly emotional nonsense.
There were too many characters who were on the periphery, or who had no arc. By far, the best character(though they didn't really come to life until series 3) was 'Roy Kent'. He was far to one dimensional in the first two series, then his character came to life in the final series, and in all honesty, saved that final series from utter oblivion. He had some of the best lines throughout the entire run, and his delivery was brilliant. He was the cause of the very chuckles i had through the series.
The Jamie Tartt character arc, was the most complete, and really the only character who had an arc.
I felt they almost forgot about the eponymous character, and his 'panic attacks' thing seemed as though it had been shoehorned in, just to remind us that Lasso actually existed.
The two characters i could not be doing with, was 'Nate', and 'Keeley'. They caused every problem which came to them, all on their own. Their stories could've been left out entirely, and just had them as peripheral characters.
It was also obvious it was written by Abericans, as even though, at times, there were corrections as to the terminology used in Britain, there were all too often 'Americanisms' left in. They referred to 'the roster' on a few occasions. No one in Britian would refer to the team that way. It's the 'squad'. The signed 1 player in 3 seasons, and sold no one. Only one player retired. How they portrayed the signing of 'Zava' was ridiculous and clunky.
Overall, this really isn't great. The comedic moments were few and far between. It seemed to want to be an overly sentimental 'drama', with very light comedic undertones. In that, it succeeded, as anything else, it's failed completely.
I'd recommend watching it, if you're into overly sentimental eye candy. You don't have to be into football to watch it, as the football is soundly relegated to the subs bench in this series. All this is, is a light drama, which wants to pull at your heart strings every episode. If that's your scene, then you'll probably love it.
Halloween (2007)
None of the charm of the original.
A truly pathetic, and needless remake.
Rob Zombie has made a few decent films, but this is just complete and utter garbage.
From the opening 5 minutes or so, with the delightful family exchanging expletives. Ok, we get it, Michael comes from a 'broken' home. There's ways of getting this across without people constantly yelling, and swearing at each other purely for effect.
The original 'Halloween' although made on a budget, had a real air of menace, and a certain charm to it. This is just crass. Zombie showing his complete lack of class.
I'm not saying the original Halloween was perfect, but it's a fair distance ahead of this crap.
Cuckoo (2024)
Annoying.
Just another one of these alleged Horror Films which relies entirely on an annoying loud score and sound effects.
Story wise, this is just silly, and barely worthy of a mention. The 'Mother' and here constant screeching was akin to a Peacock fanning it's tail, mostly for show, and effect.
I was really disappointed with this, as i like Dan Stevens, and generally like his films, but this was bland beyond belief.
I really don't know what else to say about this, it was that bad. The acting was OK, cinematography was good, script was poor, and the storyline was poor.
I can't in good conscience recommend this to anyone.
Trap (2024)
Yet another Shamalamadingdong failure.
This guy hasn't made a good film in quite some time, and yet again, going on this effort, it's going to be quite a wait before we another good one from him.
They made a real error in revealing the identity of 'The Butcher' far too early in the film, as from that moment on, there was no chance of building any kind of tension.
The 'FBI Profiler' was handled clumsily. There was a point where he was going to pull the fire alarm, and coincidentally, as soon as he thought about it, the profiler mentioned that the suspect will cause a distraction by pulling a fire alarm.
Then there was the fact, that every time he went to the forecourt, it was mobbed with people... This simply wouldn't happen at a gig.
I didn't like the fact he went from acting completely normal, to immediately acting 'off', as soon as it was revealed he was 'The Butcher'. OK, his daughter picked up on the fact he was acting strange, but to be honest, anyone would think he was acting strange, simply because he was. This was the main issue with the film.
Had they not revealed the identity of 'The Butcher' so early, they could've created a genuine thriller, which kept the viewer guessing. The Profiler could've still been involved, and slowly reveal clues as to 'The Butchers' identity, there could've been 3, or 4 suspects initially, all with matching traits, eventually eliminating them, one by one, until the big reveal at the end. Something along those lines would've been so much better that what we had.
This is just a really bad film, brought to us by a a guy who needs to stop making films.
Duchess (2024)
Just your bog standard 'East ov Lundin' (try) hard man nonsense...
Within 5 minutes of this starting i was about ready to turn of. It's just more of the same rubbish we've had many dozens of times since Guy Ritchie decided to give us 'Lock, Stock...'. Every single effort since that film has somehow managed to fall well short of it('Lock, Stock, wasn't a bad film, but it really wasn't great either).
All this film is, is around 1h50mins of some foul mouthed London bint roaming round swearing her head off alongside her male compatriots. She manages to swear far more than any of them, and that's really about as deep as this effort gets.
It's just a really poor film, badly acted, with an extremely lazy script.
These 'Lundin 'ard Man' films never convince. In all honesty, they're more funny than anything else, with the over use of expletives being crammed in for absolutely zero effect.
Dogman 2: The Wrath of the Litter (2014)
Hahahahahahahahaha.....Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Please tell me that this was made as a bet?
This has to have been the result of a drunken night where terrible ideas were thrown around, and this one got the most 'votes'. Please, someone tell me that this is how this film came about.
The acting is atrocious, the script is laughable, and then we have the 'Dogman' costumes. They look like someone has thrown them together the night before.
The story, so much as i can tell, is basically people break down on a certain road, and end up getting mauled by this 'Dogman', who sounds like a playful Golden Retriever playing fetch. Surely all these people would have to do in order to avoid being mauled, is throw a stick, or offer it a bowl of Pedigree Chum.
Terrifier 3 (2024)
Draw a line under this attempted franchise now.
The first film was OK, it was quirky, it was gory, but it was acceptable to a degree.
The second film was just extremely stupid. Gore for gore sake.
This is just utter trash. More gore just for sake of gore, very little story, acting, and script are pathetic.
Sadly, this is just horror for the simple minded, gore for the sake of gore.
You almost have to worry about the boy who wrote this, if he thinks this is entertainment.
I'm by no means squeamish, i love Horror films, but these go beyond the pale. This isn't art, or a skill. This is just the workings of a troubled individual. There's no structure to it, much like the second film.
This franchise has to end. It's just got beyond stupid now.
The Prodigy (2019)
Seen it all before.
Although this isn't a bad film, it's full of tropes and ideas we've seen before.
In essence, this is a mash up of 'The Omen', and 'Child's Play', and it's not as good as either of them.
It tries hard, and overall, it's well acted, the boy in particular is very good. It's just the general script and ideas which let this down. It's very simplistic, and all things we've seen before. We see cliche after cliche played out, and there's absolutely no shame on the part of the makers.
This really could've been a good film, but unfortunately, as with so many other films, they took they easy options to rehash older, ideas, rather than trying to introduce something new.
Shadows of Bigfoot (2024)
Every review so far is very clearly, fake.
Ignore all of the 17 reviews, so far posted for this film.
This is awful. Amateur beyond belief, and almost 'cartoonish' in the way characters keep 'bumping' into these main characters.
It's all shot in the dark, clearly to hide the fact they're filming in a small copse of trees in the middle of a field.
The 'guide' character who sneaked up on them when they decided to take a stroll, even though it was 'late', was perhaps the most 'cartoonish' character in the whole film, which is quite impressive, as they're all straight out of the world of animation.
His sneering at camera, his slow, deliberate movements, the amateur manner in which he delivered his lines, was comical.
There were so many idiotic attempts at jump scares, which didn't work.
Overall, an absolute disaster of a film. Decent for a high school production, embarrassing for anything above that.
Parlor (2015)
Hostel anyone?
This is essentially Hostel set around a Tattoo parlour, rather than a torture chamber. Only thing being, it's not done anywhere near as well as 'Hostel' was(which is quite something, since Hostel wasn't exactly cinematic brilliance).
Instead of Slovakia, we have Lithuania.
We have them going to a Club, where they meet one of the 'bad guys'.
We even have the group of street kids making a nuisance of themselves.
It's just a 'copy/paste' of Hostel.
Terrible acting, cheaply made.
Just watch Hostel, rather than this. Even watch Hostel 2, or Hostel 3. You'll get more from them than you will from this. This is a terrible film.
Adrift (2018)
Interesting idea ruined by...
The fact this film isn't linear is what really lets it down. There's no reason for it not to be linear, and honestly, if it were, it would've been a far better film. I just can't get with films which do this constant jumping around. Just tell the story.
I think they believe it will make the film seem more clever, if they include all these flash back's. It doesn't.
The story is, overall, a good one. It must've been truly horrific for this Woman to go through the events here, and it shows the strength of the human spirit's will to survive. I'm slightly frustrated with this film, because i want to enjoy it, and it really could've been a very good film. Unfortunately, with the non linear plotting of it, it didn't really hold the attention, and i found myself being distracted and concentrating on other things.
Overall, this wasn't my kind of film, sadly.
House of Good and Evil (2013)
Terrible and predictable beyond belief.
So, as soon as we find out she's had a miscarriage, and they're moving to this lovely house in the country to 'save their marriage', you know exactly where this is going...
Unhinged Female lead character starts 'hallucinating' in new house, and Husband doesn't believe her.
I'm afraid this had nothing unexpected happen, even when everything was revealed at the end, it was exactly what I knew had happened, it's just very obvious.
It's not helped that the Female character just isn't in any way likeable, sadly, and it pains me to say that much of that is down to the Actress's look, and mannerisms.
There's also nothing what-so-ever scary about this film, perhaps because it's obvious what's going to happen.
This is an awful film. One best avoided.
Behind You (2020)
Oooft.
One thing i cannot abide films(usually horror), is this 'faked ending' thing that they do half way through the film. Has it ever duped anyone? Has it ever even been done well?
This film was no exception to the rule. There was still a good 30-35 minutes left when they showed us the resolution to this nightmare(which was, quite frankly, the Aunts fault). What would be quite a clever way of addressing this fake ending, would be to have the characters move on to a different setting, their lives perhaps continuing as normal, then a whole set of random circumstances drags them back into their nightmare, and entirely different scenario, so there's essentially two stories in one. The way these faked endings are handled though, is poor, as you know the entity, or the psycho killer, or whatever the antagonist is, is far from finished with them.
I do have to say, the acting in this, wasn't all that bad, but they had very little to work with. The script was lazy. Cinematography in the main was decent, and it was a lovely big house they had to explore.
Overall though, this was let down by the obviousness of everything. We've seen it all before in many films, dating back decades.
My advice to the makers of this, and other films like it, is...Unless you're going to bring something original to the table, don't bother.
My advice to consumers, is... Find something else to watch, because this is bad.
Suspiria (1977)
Another 'Classic' which fails to hit the mark.
This is another of those alleged 'classics' that i've been encouraged to watch, because i like Horror.
I have to say, the film itself was OK, definitely a bit odd, but overall not a bad film. What ret it down badly, was the score, which was literally an assault on the ears. It was just noise for the sake of noise. The dialogue was then often far too soft in places, so i had to turn the volume up slightly, before rapidly turning it down again when the utterly pointless and over the top score kicked in.
The film itself is interesting and in the main, well told. The cinematography is excellent, though a bit needless with the bright red or green lighting popping up for some reason. It really doesn't add anything to the film at all.
It's not bad this, but nowhere near the film i was led to believe it was. Much like 'The Exorcist', it's been massively overinflated over the years, though i would say, this is better than 'The Exorcist', which for me is the most overrated film of all time.
See for Me (2021)
Could've been better.
There's a few films been made over the last while about blind people involved in 'home invasions'. It's an interesting sub genre, but i feel it's been done now.
This is a decent effort, though has perhaps one of the most frustrating pieces of film i might ever have seen.
***SPOILERS***
So, once she realises someone has broken into the house, she obviously phones the Police. She then stumbles across the perps and after a bit f dialogue she convinces them that she can be of use to them, and she'll phone the Police back to tell them of a false alarm.
She does this, but the operator informs her that an Officer will be out, just to make sure things are OK. She tries putting them off, but is told it's 'procedure'.
One Female Officer arrives, Sophie doesn't allow her in initially, but is told the Officer is coming in one way or another... And so we reach this cripplingly frustrating moment...
The Officer does a check of the house, find nothing, but discovers a loose tile on the floor, as a trip hazard. Of course this stalls her departure. Eventually she makes her way to the front door, is about to leave, when she hears a mobile phone ring. "Is that your phone?" She asks? "Yes". "Are you answering it?". "No, it's probably not important."... The Officer then decides she's going to get the phone for her. So back into the house she goes, retrieves the phone, and comes back to give it to Sophie..."You not answering it?"... Look, love. She's told you she's not answering the phone. Sophie tells her again "No". " It might be important" says the Officer... Look love, i'm not blind, but if i were, i'd make a point of having personalised ring tones for my contacts, so i'd know who's phoning. If i knew it wasn't important, or if i didn't want to speak to that person, then i wouldn't answer. It's not law to have to answer your phone.
Anyway, she answers it, quick call, hangs up. "All OK now, Officer?"...I guess so, as she's now heading back to the front door. She's away this time, surely? No. Just coincidentally, at that very moment, she receives a call from dispatch informing her of a call received from the lass 'seeing for her', about 3 perps definitely inside the house.
Now she comes in, and is promptly strangled to death.
It's just a painful scene to watch.
The film plays out pretty much as expected after this. It's decent, but no better than that, unfortunately.
Blackwater Lane (2024)
Generic, run of the mill...
This started off fairly promising, but very quickly got lost amongst the hundreds of other...
'Oh, you once suffered from a mental illness which has since cleared up, but lets all try to make you feel as though you're losing your mind again.' genre of 'Horror'.
It's another one of these lazy, over used tropes that film makers love to fall back on when desperately trying to get a film made. It's no doubt seen as a reliable source of income for film studios, and that's partially what's wrong with the film industry today - everything is all too familiar and borrows from a dozen other films.
I have to say, the acting in this isn't great either. The times our protagonist is out driving at night and checking her rear view mirror are so OTT. If you have to turn your head the way she was, in order to check your mirror, then you have to stop and set it correctly.
I shall file this under 'Must try better', as potential was there, but it was never going to be realised.
The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)
So annoying.
This is the kind of film, specifically Horror film which can't help by annoy.
It's trope after lazy trope.
1. Near accident on all but deserted road. Faced with angry individual.
2. Decide to stop into 'small town USA' for some food, manage to annoy the locals.
3. Car breaks down. Local mechanic says he can fix it, but not until morning, as everything is closed for the night(even though it's about 1400).
4. Locals know of conveniently vacant accommodation the couple can use for the night.
5. While alone in the house, she see's one of the son to be assailants, runs and hides. Mere minutes later, someone starts opening the door, she freaks out...It's OK, it's your Boyfriend.
6. She then proceeds to tell boyfriend about seeing someone with a mask on, inside the house. Boyfriend points to a tiny painting on the wall, of a Clown... 'Is that what you saw?'... 'Mmmm, i mean, it could've been'. NO, IT COULDN'T HAVE!! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAW, AND WHERE YOU SAW IT, AND IT WASN'T A PAINTING!!
I could go on and on with just how lazy and stupid this film is, but i think the point has been made.
This is another franchise which needs to end. The first film was OK. Why they had to then do the usual thing of flogging a dead horse, i really don't know.
This film is tired, lazy and truly awful. Don't watch. Avoid at all cost.
Frozen (2010)
Snow bad, snow good.
The big issue films shot almost entirely in one location always come across, is 'How do we fill up time'? This film encounters that problem fairly rapidly. As soon as the lift is switched off, and lights go out, this film really starts to struggle for ideas, and it's not surprising. There is only so much you can do with 3 people stuck on a chair lift.
Not all that long after the lights go out, a snow plough comes trundling along. They do plenty of shouting, but not one of them thinks to unhitch a ski, or snowboard, and hurl it infront of the plough, thereby attracting his attention. For some reason they presume the driver has seen them, and start celebrating... No... Make sure he's seen you, throw something in his direction.
As he stops the plough to take a call from a work colleague, only to be told to return to base, and go home, this 3 still don't think of throwing anything. Oddly, they only decide to do so, when he starts reversing. Any driver knows, that when you reverse, you look the way you're going, so why would that be different in a snow plough? This is when gloves, ski poles, intelligence gets thrown though. Something hits the plough, the guy stops, looks out the window, sees nothing and continues reversing.
That's one instance of this film trying to drag itself out to 90 minutes or so. There's a few other instances where it seems like they understood their limitations, so rather than anything really happening, they focus in on the frost bite on their faces and show us them peeling off the scab, with usual sound effect thrown in for good measure.
It's really not a bad film, to be honest, but nothing happens. Oh, no. One of them decides to drop from the lift to the ground, but rather than looking to break his fall, by landing on his back, he decides to break both legs, by dropping straight down onto his feet...from 20-20 foot up. The introduction of the wolves also seemed like a bit of an after thought.
There's a point where it shows really quite heavily, enough snow falls to cover the corpse of the lad who failed his 'falling safely exam', so you'd imagine it would be fairly soft, not compacted yet. Surely this is now the time for someone else(or even both of our survivors) to take that same leap of faith... No. It never crosses their minds.
I will say, only one survives, and as far as i'm concerned, it's the wrong one. I don't mean to come across as nasty in saying that, but they did nothing to help anyone during the whole scenario.
Is this worth a watch? Yes, i have to say it is, as it really isn't a bad film, despite what i've written here. It is just a case of it plodding along. Some might watch this and think is a masterpiece, and really get something out of it. For me though, it just didn't cut it, i'm afraid. The acting was fine, so no issues there, it was filmed well, direction, editing, production, all good.
I'd really rate this a 3.5 stars. Watch it, and make up your own mind.
Wolf Hollow (2023)
Discount the high rating reviews.
I appreciate that not everyone can be an Oscar worthy Director/Producer/Actor, and i have, in my time seen some very good low budget films, however, this is not one of those.
The introduction is cliché ridden, and a tired trope. Then the classic 'One Year Later' thing. Just give it a miss, please.
The acting is, well sub standard at very best, completely hopeless at worst. The script doesn't help though, it has to be said, and the Direction is amateur. It's just all way too over the top. The camera work leaves much to be desired too, at times i get the feeling they're trying to be arty and clever with it, but it never works. The best shots are drone shots, and that says it all.
Unless you were involved in this film in some way, i would advise people to avoid this. It's unfortunately just not good. The best thing about it is the scenery.
Viking: The Berserkers (2014)
Terrible low budget effort.
There honestly wasn't much to like about this film, i have to say.
The first thing which amused me, was the house the 'family' lived in...or more specifically, the surrounding land.
We see the father arriving at the homestead on a horse and cart, trundling across a grassy area. What's wrong with this? I hear you ask. Well, where are the track marks? There are none. Presumably this 'family' have lived there for many years, so the well trodden route of their horse and cart would've worn out a track.
Then, when the 'Vikings' attack, big brother is out in the forest, he hears the screams of his wee brother, and off he sets. Quite how far from the homestead he was, i don't know, but he was quite some distance, as it took him a fair few minutes to arrive, by which time his auld faither was lying cold on the ground, having been butchered by these 'Vikings'.
Perhaps most frustrating of all, we have the old, tired trope that seemingly everyone in the 9th century wandered around covered in mud, and had no idea about personal hygiene. We also see most of the cast covered in animal fur. I think our 'hero' is meant to wearing wolf skin, the 'Berserkers' meant to be wearing bear skin(?), but it's just a tired idea.
Then of course, everything has to be damp, wet, and bleak, with the constant rumble of thunder throughout the film.
The script was tired and poorly written, with an odd mix of modern English colloquialisms and 'ye olde' English phrasing. At one point, our 'hero' tells his brother, "I'll be back for you. Yeah?", while another character speaks as though they're part of an amateur dramatics society doing Shakespeare. It's just a very odd juxtaposition.
This really isn't great. It's actually really bad, unfortunately.
Give it a go if you must, but my advice would be to avoid it.
American Hunt (2019)
A bunch of James Hunt's.
I think the true genius of this film is the fact they managed to squeeze 1hour and 20 minutes out of it.
Indeed, that's the only positive about this film.
The acting was shockingly poor, the editing was a joke - to explain. There were 2 or 3 moments where a gun was fired, the action would then cut to another location where someone was walking, talking to themselves, a minute later, we'd hear a gun shot, and they'd go chasing after it. Obviously, this was their attempt at trying to show the same event from two different locations. It didn't work.
After around 40-45 minutes, this film could've ended, and no one would've complained too bitterly about it. As it was, they managed to spin this out for another 40 odd minutes, which is absolute genius in my eyes.
Back to Black (2024)
Interesting...
Sadly, this film just strengthens my opinion of Winehouse, that being, she was one messed up lassie well before the drugs and alcohol got a real grip of her.
The actress portraying her does a good job in all fairness and the supporting cast all do their jobs admirably. Unfortunately, it seems Winehouse simply wasn't a nice person, and as mentioned before, was already well and truly messed up long before fame hit and the drugs and drink got a hold.
She had a decent voice, and recorded a few good songs, but i always felt she was a fad. Were she alive today, she'd have been akin to a cabaret act, occasionally touring clubs and pubs repeating the same 5 or 6 songs night after night.
It's tragic that she died so young, and may she rest in peace, but this film is a pointless exercise, a biopic of a flash in the pan.
Numbers (2022)
A very poor rip off of SAW.
Clearly, someone watched SAW, and thought they could capitalise on the relative success of the franchise. Let this be a stark reminder that piggybacking on the success of others isn't always a good thing.
This film is awful. 10 minutes in, and i'm just wanting all the characters to be killed, and for clarity, i'm not just talking about the characters involved in the 'game', i mean literally ALL the characters. None of them are likeable, the script is poor, the acting is embarrassing, and as mentioned previously, it tries far too hard to be SAW... and by the way, it fails even at that.
I watched 25 minutes of this and had to switch it off. It's truly awful.