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julienicholson-12168
Reviews
Christmas on Mistletoe Farm (2022)
So bad
Lazy writing, very predictable and I love a predictable Christmas 'daytime' movie, but this was beyond appalling. Beano acted like some sort of demented imbecile, the head teacher was such a bitch she was not at all realistic and the big boss was so thoroughly unlikable that her business would have gone bust many years ago. Obvious city guy has to shout at locals for riding their horse on country lanes, kids have to wear swimming goggles and fairy wings because they are from such a bohemian family.
Not one likeable character. Weak story, not worth battling beyond the first 30 minutes.
I was so disappointed as I thought I'd found a terrific British Christmas movie. If this is the best on offer then I'd rather cr@p in my hands and clap.
I was hoping to have found the next 'Nativity' but sadly disappointed.
Wreck (2022)
Dreadful writing!
This is simply appalling.
I hoped it would be similar to Murder on the Blackpool express, comedy, a bit scarey, a mystery etc...
Sadly it's very poorly written. Really, really Incredibly badly written. Obviously written by someone who has never experienced a cruise.
I rolled my eyes so hard, they sounded like marbles rolling around a metal dis, when the bar staff were rude to the "I'm first class" passenger etc.
I hated the 'officer' Karen, who treated the new staff like some 5th class slaves!
Dreadful! Not funny. And so inaccurate it was almost painful. Poor acting too.
Who TF commissioned this piece of cr@p.
Don't waste your precious time watching this poor excuse for entertainment.
Having got to the end of this abysmal excuse for entertainment, I'm left wondering how a ship could have so much 'secret space' how the writer could think crew cabins were so large, how the staff put up with Karen! Why did I battle my way to the end of this pile of manure?
The Sea Beast (2022)
Gor Blimey Mary Poppins
This is a wonderful story, it has tremendous graphics, the art work is truly awesome. Sadly the voice artists are mostly dreadful and all I kept hearing was "gor blimey Mary Poppins" as dreadful accent and truly dreadful accent continued to grate on my nerves! Sadly a potentially 5star film demoted to 1and half stars, purely because they used really nasty voice actors.
If you're going to use an American or New Zealand actor, don't have them use a mock cockney accent. There was no need for such dreadful accents.
Otherwise a lovely family movie, I genuinely laughed at the "Bollox" reference, clearly film makers had no clue but it was subt, quick funny and not worth dismissing.
A Caribbean Mystery (1983)
Ok, but used an American Jane Marple!
If you love Agatha Christie, this may be a little disappointing.
Jane Marple has the incredibly annoying habit of mispronouncing English words with a dreadful American twang! As if the quintessential Miss Marple would ever be so awfully common.
I love a good Agatha Christie. This was not a "good" AG. It was mediocre at best.
The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes (1991)
These have not aged well!
Too much overacting, long drawn out pauses, dramatic gasps, really rubbish glued on beards etc...and not good acting now, some 30 years later. I can't believe how poor these seem now, I used to love Jeremy Brett as Sherlock too.
Ok to while away an hour if you're desperate. But you'd need to be really desperate.
Ouija (2014)
Oh so bad!
Oh my days, this is appalling, it's like a student movie but worse. In fact I've seen better movies on YouTube made with amateur camera operators, directors and actors. This is a huge waste of everyone's time.
How on earth such a poor story found it's way on to Netflix is beyond me.
I was home alone when I watched this, I love a decent horror story, this wasn't even mediocre, it was way worse. I'd have loved to have been scared. Sadly this misses the mark. I spent most of my time either tutting, laughing or shaking my head. Not once was I even mildly scared.
Amateur, cliched and boring Ouija is more of a tragedy, the biggest tragedy being the huge waste of time, money and resources this feeble attempt at third rate horror really is.
Sadly I'm old enough to remember when a decent horror story didn't rely on jump scare music but had enough suspense to actually make the audience feel fear.
The Dig (2021)
Utterly charming
This is made even better for being based on real life events. It's a charming story, beautifully told. I loved it. If ever there was a movie to watch, snuggled down into a comfy sofa with a glass of single malt on a wet winters day, then this is it!
Excellent story, wonderful cast, 11/10 a true feel-good movie.
The child actor who plays Robert is adorable too. USA, take note, child actors don't have to be loud nor obnoxious.
Emily in Paris (2020)
No dreadful, but dreadfully American.
Now this is a bit cute, it showcases Paris the city very well but the vomit inducing Emily is the constant hero of the day. It doesn't really represent real Parisians. The office junior manages to save the day every episode, has the best ideas and makes me want to slap the snot out of her everytime.
The best/worst was seeing Emily and Mrs Robertson getting over excited at the sight of a burger! Guys, you're in Paris! An actual foodie country that has real, quality food.
I love Paris, so I enjoy seeing Paris, but this is beyond saccharine sweet, lacking in originality, full of caricatures and cliches. The storylines are always blatantly obvious, you as the viewer can always tell where there going. It's telly for non thinking days. But it's sometimes uplifting, it's cute, it's full of potential but the writing and the acting leaves something (A lot) to be desired.
All I think is, had this been written by British scriptwriters it would be a million times better. I've heard it compared to Sex in the City, it's not, it's more like Glee, saccharine sweet but ok. No more than ok.
Redcon-1 (2018)
Ashamed to say I was part of this debacle
Appalling, absolutely god awful. The acting is beyond bad. The story jumps about like a flea with St. Vitus' dance. Honestly, don't waste your time with this.
I had a great time, I met some lovely people and I went on to do a load of equally poor films but I'm ashamed I'm part of this z list movie. It's just bad.
Funny Cow (2017)
Perfect and so engaging.
This totally charming British film captures everything that's good about films. A hard story, but so rewarding to see it unfold in all its gritty truth.
It's got a few lighthearted moments that make you at least smile if not laugh out loud. Maxine Peake gives a sublime performance, as do all of the rest of the cast! (Funny calf has just got to be a huge star in about 20 years)
The characters are real, earthy, engaging and endearing. The story is hard hitting in places but never anything less than entertaining.
This is a beautiful, charming and thoroughly entertaining Brit-flick, Hollywood could learn a lot from its simple, understated sophistication.
It tells the story of an underdog, a beaten wife, she wants so much more and she knows it's out there. So she goes for it. Ok a broken nose from her brute of a boyfriend and she's on her way. She goes on to break the heart of a gentle and affectionate man, but he still gives her a leg up in life.
This is a much underrated, beautiful movie with a magnificent cast and just such a lovely feel to it.
I found the beating of 'funny calf' uncomfortable to watch but it's actually quite pivotal as that's where we find she uses humour to wrong foot her father and in future years her boyfriend.
Even with its brutal honesty, this is still an outstanding movie.
Locke & Key (2020)
Woefully mishandled.
This could have been an absolutely amazing series! It could have been massive, great stories, great special effects, magic and intrigue . Instead it relies on lazy writing, stereotypical teens, and hopes the audience is dumb enough to believe a mom would leave her bratty child home alone because somehow he doesn't need school whilst his older siblings do. How old is Bodie supposed to be? Drinking milk from his bowl like a toddler, putting his arm into the waste disposal like a true moron, leaning into a well like a first grade idiot, yet apparently old enough to be trusted at home whilst his mom goes shopping.
Sullen teen daughter, so boringly stereotypical at school with all the same kids as went to school in October Faction.
I don't care about any of the characters, they are all lacking in personality, one dimensional and as dull as could be. Such a shame as with a tweak this could have been the next Buffy the vampire slayer or Charmed. It could have been massive.
Dreadful (worse than dreadful) acting really compounds this awful show.
I've given two stars because I loved the ideas, I loved the stories, I hated everything else.
October Faction (2020)
I'm battling with this!
This really, really could have been brilliant. Unfortunately it's so bloody slow. They just keep throwing in new characters, we've had no explanation as to anything. It's so desperate to be mysterious it's gone beyond boring. I'm not sure I can keep watching. More and more questions being shoe horned in but no answers being developed.
I feel it's trying too hard, have the makers forgotten it's supposed to be entertainment, not one of the trials of Hercules.
I'm not sure I'm going to get to the end of season one, I need some answers, not just more mystery.
So far, none of the characters are likeable and I really don't care for any of the storylines. It could have been a brilliant series, but seriously needs to up its game.
Cannibals and Carpet Fitters (2017)
What's a polite word for rubbish?
I read the reviews and I love a good British horror, heck I've been in a few myself, but this is as dire as anything iv been in.
I was hoping for a good horror comedy. I was disappointed.
The acting is poor. The 'mum' of the cannibals couldn't act if her life depended on it, really, really poor acting from her, and she wasn't the worst.
The usual ridiculous scenes where the victim runs from safety straight into danger, who would run from cannibalism by getting out of their vehicle and running back into the house of horrors?
Too many stupid scenes, too much poor acting. Very, very disappointing.
Lights Out (2016)
Disappointed
I felt disappointed with this, especially as it's received some good reviews on here but I guess everyone has different expectations.
This is basically a long version of one of those three minute horror stories I saw ages ago. Every time the lights go out, the monster gets a little closer until.... BOOM! Loud music and lazy jump scares.
I rolled my eyes when the guy in the opening sequence realises the monster is afraid of the light just before his lights fail for no reason.
Predictable, unoriginal and sadly lacking in anything to make it memorable for me.
Our House (2018)
Middle of the road, but far from bad
I actually enjoyed Our House. I wasn't expecting to, but the reviews don't really do it justice. It's slow to start and no jump scares, if you're looking for a great film for a teens sleepover, or something spooky to watch with 'children' this is a lovely little creepy film that won't be giving anyone nightmares.
The action is fairly slow paced but the characters are likeable and well rounded on the whole. Just enjoy it for what it is, a spooky movie with no sex, not much in the way of violence, no swearing. As horrors go, it's pretty wholesome.
The Duplex (2015)
Good story spoiled by amateurs
This is a good story, but it's not a horror. Think of it as a horror comedy and it's possible you may enjoy it. If you can see beyond the awful acting. It's the sort of film a bunch of teenage girls could safely enjoy. No real scares, no gore, but I did enjoy the story.
Malevolent (2018)
Disappointing
I was hoping for a genuinely great ghost story and this started ok but soon dwindled. With a Predictable storyline I'm sure this film used The Bumper Book Of Horror Cliches.
Not at all improved by the acting from Angela (I think that was her name, I really didn't register) but she was so one dimensional, only used one dull voice tone throughout.
It's rare I feel so frustrated with a movie, but the characters are dull, predictable and never had me rooting for them. I think the hero's of a decent horror film should make the audience care, I didn't care at all.
For such a brand new film, I was very disappointed.
Merry Ex-Mas (2014)
Dreadful.
How did such a good cast make such an awful movie? No only did I not care about the characters, I actually disliked everyone of them. There is also what could possibly be the most dreadful Irish accent I have ever heard (yes it IS worse than Brad Pitt's in Snatch)
The scene where the obnoxious brat of a daughter is eating crisps with her mouth open made me want to slap her.
Such a shame there is no zero star option, this film is dreadful.
On the plus side, the driver of the limo was nice.
My advice would be Don't Bother!
A Christmas Proposal (2008)
Dire,
Possibly the worst movie ever.
Entirely predictable story line, city girl friend vs old hometown sweetheart.
I didn't like or care for any character, everyone was so rude to the city girl yet still the boyfriend drags her along to gatherings so the nice small town people can continue to be rude to her.
It's not often I use the word hate, but i really hated this movie. I didn't feel festive, I felt cross. I couldn't understand why the boyfriend let the small town people be so rude and yet he never once said anything in return.
Normally I can find at least one positive, sadly this time I can't.