youyesyou_

Ninja's Extreme Weapons (1988)

ninjas extreme weapons BEOOOOOWR SUPER FAST CLOSEUPS AND EXPLOSIONS YEAH!

i rented this movie based solely upon how awesome the boxart was. the biggest focal point of the box is an awesome rock star of a ninja upper cutting the air with some kind of handle with spikes on it which is awesome and i'm assuming was part of the "extreme weapons" that the title of the movie refers to. the ninja is wearing a sheriff's badge for a reason that eludes me. but he is a ninja and he's awesome and nobody tells an awesome ninja that he can't wear a sheriff's badge unless they want their head cut off. in the upper left hand corner, there are helicopters descending upon a city in the mist and in the lower right hand corner there is a 7-47 plowing into the ground and exploding.

i thought it would be difficult, if not impossible to top the awesome front cover. how wrong i was. a glance at the back of the box shows some stuff blowing up on a desert landscape and a ninja flying out of the debris while riding a motorcycle. ninjas on motorcycles are extreme. the only way that could possibly be toped would be if the ninja was playing a guitar and rocking out while simultaneously flying out of the explosion. and i saw a ninja do that once before in a magazine. so the guy on the back of the box was only half-ninja. but a ninja nonetheless.

the plot has something to do with drug dealers trying to get ahold of a briefcase that has something important in it and then ninjas come and attack them and kill everyone including the briefcase. or so i imagine because the briefcase was no longer in the movie after that scene. i couldn't discern who the main character of the movie was, but there was a Chinese guy called james. james was not a ninja but he wore a cool jacket and was a ladies man. he gets into a hot tub with some girl and then half way into the movie, james meets a Chinese pimp and they go somewhere and aren't seen for the duration of the movie. then there's a scene with some American soldiers wearing sunglasses who get attacked by a man in a dragon costume. after that, the rest of the movie has to do with a drug lord in a wheelchair who looks like the unholy love child of tony blair and gollum. he is no mere crippled drug lord, though. he is a crippled drug lord who is also the leader of a tribe of ninjas. or a flock of ninjas. or a bundle of ninjas. whatever they're called.

anyhow, some stuff happens and a blue ninja comes and beats all of them up. he even beats up a red ninja with a mustache who looks like he's actually wearing a modified rain coat. then out of nowhere, they cut to a shot of tony blair like cripple man drinking some tea and then HE FLIES OUT OF HIS CHAIR WITH A BIG "WAAAH" AND ATTACKS THE BLUE NINJA. well actually, he doesn't really attack him. he just kind of massages his neck back and forth and the blue ninja goes into some kind of seizure.

but obviously, that was just a cover up. you can't stop a ninja in blue. he was just trying to make the gollum guy look stupid because he is a true ninja unlike the fake cripple guy who wasn't even a half ninja because he rode around in a wheelchair and not a motorcycle. the blue ninja had wit and wisdom and was all like "yeah right stupid, you can't stop me." so he gets up, does a backflip over a whole tree and opens a box covered in tinfoil and stuff explodes and everyone dies but him and he says something about god and a prophecy and then the movie is over.