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jessegehrig
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Suspiria (1977)
500th IMDb review, perhaps wasted on Suspiria?
Argento's masterpiece but not as prestigious as it sounds. Argento's Dracula is more entertaining and I'm willing to admit less artistic than Suspiria, but both movies feature super fake looking fake bats and it's like if the effects on the bats never look good why film the fake bats in the first place. The colors are good, although "colors" implies more than one color and it's mainly just the color red all through Suspiria. The music and soundtrack are terrible but better than other Argento movies, but again, when the qualification of "terrible" is your high water mark, that's not saying much.
Predator (1987)
Chastity Belt has an awesome song called Joke and this movie is a joke
Is a ridiculous movie about sad macho men doing sad macho things with guns while uttering truly comical dialog. Just great big stupid comically unintended dialog. The Predator is a sad macho alien who goes out of his way to hunt sad macho human males, and all of them from alien to human dudes try to bulge all their oiled up muscles and try to pretend that this whole movie isn't so incredibly goddamn silly. I'm pretty sure this is the movie where Arnold famously says " get to the choppa!" So if that's a kind of currency for you try to take it to the bank and maybe one of the tellers there will give you a lollypop.
Sixteen Candles (1984)
Dedicated to the invisible aliens
Because it depicts a world where people like me don't exist. No character in this movie thinks like me, or has feelings like me, or looks like me or lives like me, if I appeared in sixteen candles it would be as an invisible alien. That was my impression as a child when I first saw this movie and that impression has never changed. All the characters in this movie are mean, status hungry creatures, each one desperate to not examine their lives or behavior and I hate them for that. I am the sworn enemy of Sixteen Candles, my hatred was born from the first viewing and in any of the instances where I have seen it since, that hatred has grown!
Red Dragon (2002)
Lee Greenwood approved
Not as good as Manhunter. Also Anthony Hopkins is too old to be playing Hannibal Lecter. It's like some 78 year old dude trying to pretend his hair isn't grey so he constantly gets a dye job, then he tries to pretend he has a tan by daily slathering himself in bronzer to the point where he appears orange and bronzer is always smeared all over his collar. And it's like people love this shambling mediocrity to the point of wanting to immortalize it with a marble statue, and I'm like " this is what you think is great?". Totally baffled by this garbage fire while I see people stand around it so proud.
Manhunter (1986)
My opinion counts, maybe
Brian Cox's Hannibal Lecter is the superior performance because he is less hammy. He played the character in a naturalistic and understated manner which made Cox's Lecter considerably more menacing because it seemed closer to reality. On top of that Michael Mann chose to put his Lecter in an offensively whitewashed sterile looking cell much more befitting of a maximum security psychiatric facility. Compare it to the cell Anthony Hopkins Lecter occupies in Silence of the Lambs with it's comic book dungeon setting, it turns Lecter into a spectacle instead of a terrifying embodiment of evil. See for yourself.
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
This is for where you can write a headline ( that part is to be sung )
This is by no means Mike Myers best movie but this movie is way better than the movie Singles, which is directed by Cameron Crowe, who according to IMDb, and this is an official IMDb designation, sucks. The movie Singles has a horrible soundtrack, but while we're talking about great movie soundtracks, dude, the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer has a great soundtrack. Okay, except for the Spin Doctors, I'm not in charge of the Spin Doctors and I'm not in charge of movie soundtracks, but hey, the Singles soundtrack has like 2 Paul Westerburg songs, that's just as bad, I mean, dyslexic heart? At the very least it's offensive to people with dyslexia in addition to being a terrible song every bit as bad as the Spin Doctors.
Singles (1992)
Of course it's a Cameron Crowe movie
Super fake. Cameron Crowe movie, which is equivalent to Velveeta. No one does drugs no one decides to just skip normal life for a few years, this is the least accurate movie about the 90's. There is a soundtrack available for purchase which also serves as a metaphor for the hollow commercialism this movie represents. The characters are insignificant to the plot and the plot is also insignificant. No one says anything memorable or meaningful nor is there any action on the part of any character that remains unforgettable. The one time I saw this movie is hopefully the last time. If you want to know what the 90's were really about, let your journey begin with LSD.
Rushmore (1998)
Forgiven Forgiven Forgiven Forgiven Forgiven Forgiven Forgiven you are Forgiven
The first time I saw this movie, I loved this movie. The characters and the dialog and the music all reached out to me and saved me from an ignorance I didn't even know I was suffering from until the moment of salvation. I would describe my feelings that first time in the theater as "exaltant" because watching Rushmore filled me with wild joy and made me want to leap into the air with my feet leaving the ground for a moment suspended in mid air while I shouted to the heavens "hallelujah"!
So that's all I need to say about Rushmore, the rest of this is filler to meet an arbitrary minimum character requirement.
Mandy (2018)
I have been to the mountain
Elegant and simple are synonyms but obviously don't have the same meaning. The ingredients required to bake a loaf of bread are simple, whereas a loaf of bread is elegant. I think some other reviewers, sadly, might be using the wrong words. This is not a simple movie, this is not a revenge tale, there is no gore and there's no violence either. To many details and planning went in for this to be a "simple" movie. This movie is not about revenge it's about completion. As for the "gore" and "violence ", those are merely parts of the character's' costumes, merely components of the setting and plot, I mean those godawful Terrifier movies have ten times the violence and gore. The colors of this movie are excellent.
Joker (2019)
I am he as you are me as we all come together
Boring. Took a character with a perfectly nebulous back story and then gave him an unnecessary definite origin tale. Moreover that completely unneeded back story is full of pathos for a character who would gladly kill you rather than accept that pathos. The Joker is one of the all time greats of comic book villains, specifically because he is irredeemable. To turn the Joker into a sympathetic antihero is both cowardly and lazy writing. By all means make a Joker movie, but do right by this excellent villain, no pathos, no back story, the Joker is devilish so make him do the Devil's work. And have him feed some people to his pet shark.
Run Ronnie Run (2002)
Can't a man not drink his beer in silence?
The best thing Bob Odenkirk and David Cross have ever done. This movie always makes me laugh, from the first time I ever saw it up til the most recent viewing, laughter. And I am very confident that the next time I watch this movie I will laugh. The rest of this review is pure filler cause I don't need to say anything else about Run Ronny Run, so we can talk about Baseball or Football because sports are an excellent substitute for talking about feelings when a person has got the feelings but definitely doesn't want to put those feelings into words, all of a sudden and infidelity or childhood trauma can be spoken about as a baseball team's poor pitching performance.
Cropsey (2009)
You don't have to be alone tonight, pick up the phone
Super boring. All innuendo and supposition and none of it leads to anything substantive or close to evidence of anything. At no point do the filmmakers investigate if any of the abductions are even connected. The crimes must have been frightening to the filmmakers in their youth, but it seems that way only because at the time of their youth they were uninformed. As adults, exploring these crimes, none of the creepiness they felt as kids has legitimately endured. It's truly an urban legend in that once the facts are faced and examined the horror disappears. Yes there was an insane asylum, and yes a socially strange man was a one time patient there, but he wasn't the serial killer the movie suggests he might have been. Total waste of time and money.
Kyûketsuki hantâ D (1985)
The "D" doesn't stand for what you think
A crappy masterpiece. The animation is terrible and nothing is rendered well. The characters are lumpy and ill proportioned, the animals like the sheep and especially the horses are wrong and should be redrawn, the background paintings are amateurish and all the movie's colors are muted. The story is kinda stupid and the dialog is full on stupid. All the characters utter nonsensical phrases in a sort of word-vomit delivery, no one speaks naturally. The only redeeming quality of the movie is that there's nothing else like this in the world. Vampire Hunter D is unique and its singular presence eclipses many otherwise superior works. I'm on my 3rd copy of this movie and prepared to buy it a 4th time should the need arise, because I'd rather have the movie and not feel like watching it today than to not have it a really want to see its silly failings right fudging now.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
I used an analogy, you're welcome
The best Shane Black movie and this movie sucks. It features all the Shane Black greatest hits such as witty banter that is overly verbose and sexiness that comes off as immature and unexamined. It's supposed to be a detective story but those elements of working clues and solving the mystery never really materialize. It's a very typical Shane Black movie in that the movie has a lot of razzle dazzle but zero substance, the suitable analogy would be a game of three card monte, the scammer provides the illusion that you can spot the red queen with lots of talk and flourish but when you pick the card you think is right you find that you are wrong, and have been cheated.
You're Next (2011)
No headline, I can't think of anything
I hate slasher movies but I love this movie. I think it's because the main character fights back and fights back satisfactorily dirty. The pacing is fine, no scene really drags, like typically slasher movies will have a drawn out scene of a character being stalked or are in peril and don't know it and filmmakers milk it for the sake of tension or suspense, and not so in this movie. I mean You're Next, still has all the typical features of a slasher movie with the masked killer stalking his prey, but no sequence feels over long. Also it's got a song that's part of the movie and it's a great song, Casablanca did the same thing so I approve. Decent gore and the violence is also well played.
X (2022)
Two stars is pretty good compared to like negative stars
Ti West is a master of suspenseful pacing, but also his stuff is too slow and the payoff doesn't match the time spent getting there. I utilize fast forward whenever I watch a Ti West movie. Also slasher movies are profoundly boring, like boring on an existential level, like it is of Cosmic importance to not be boring in a slasher movie sort of way. Also there's this aspect of slasher movies where the Killer is portrayed in a sympathetic heroic light which I always find disturbing but not disturbing because it's quality horror, rather it's disturbing because this sympathetic killer shtick is infantile and unexamined. Ti West's characters are never memorable and neither is his dialog, and this movie is a perfect example of that forgettable writing.
From Beyond (1986)
My pineal gland!
Super economical movie in terms of total running time and what you are shown as a viewer. No sequence plays out longer than it should, even the film's climax is point A to point B, no detour in-between. Really excellent smut that just sort of appears about halfway through the movie and adds a refreshing element to the rest of the feature. For a B-movie and an HP Lovecraft B-movie in particular, the money was well spent. No special effects were short changed in order to meet the budgetary constraints, and for an HP Lovecraft movie that's a huge accomplishment. I hope they don't remake this movie because more than likely they will screw it up.
Hellraiser (2022)
Satisfactory
Easily the best of the Hellraiser movies because it's nothing like the other Hellraiser movies, and because Clive Barker had nothing to do with this movie as a filmmaker. Clive Barker is a genius author but an imbecile filmmaker, every movie he's made has been a foolish departure from his own source material and it's like dude you wrote this how did it become this movie? Okay, so this movie succeeds because the acting is way better than in any other Hellraiser, also the sets and the lighting and the special effects are completely superior to any other Hellraiser. There's no stupid typical dark hallway scene, there's no stupid fetishistic devotion to a scene of a cenobite murdering someone and for once the cenobites come off as mysterious rather than as actors in bad costumes and bad makeup effects.
Naked Lunch (1991)
Church youth group approved!
Naked Lunch is about looking into a mirror and not liking what you see so you paint over the mirror with tarry black paint, then you smash the mirror into many hundreds of razor sharp pieces then you take that broken heap outside to your backyard and you burry it there, then later that night your sleepwalking body gets up from bed and goes outside to your backyard and digs up each and every shard cutting your fingers in the process spilling so much blood that the ground turns to mud, then your sleepwalking body carries the broken pile back inside back to your bedroom where while still asleep you reassemble all the shards back into the original shape of the mirror and only then you awake confused and horrified by your bloodied fingers and ask out loud to your reflection hidden and waiting beneath the black paint, " who did this? "
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
I gave this movie 6 out of 10, that's super generous
A lot of people ask, "what's wrong with Star Trek the Motion Picture?" and if people aren't asking then they should start, because many things are wrong with this movie. I'm only going to list 4 of the many errors because I'm lazy and nobody is paying me. William Shatner is a professional actor but not in the same way talented people are professional actors. This movie is about sex but doesn't go about getting to the sex in any satisfactory manner. Instead the movie is all about V'GER using some bald chick's body so that Decker goofball can get it on on her, which is way too complicated. For no good reason Spock is extra Spocky and doesn't dial that shtick back for over an hour. And speaking of wasting time, huge amounts of running time is just characters staring at the Enterprise or ogling at V'GER, you all need some fast forward.
The Flash (2023)
What went wrong with the Flash, by Jesse Gehrig
Thrilling fast paced intro full of danger and impossible near misses, that is so very boring. The CGI looks terrible, like the CGI looks so bad maybe stop doing CGI or like start learning how to do it way better. If AI wrote this movie then we have nothing to fear from AI, that or AI is going to kill the human race with mediocre writing. Ezra Miller, there are so many cruel totally objective statements I have to make about his acting, I mean like zero subjective personal opinions, all objective observations devoid of ego or agenda, that I feel bad for Ezra Miller because without having writ one of these observations, I feel like he's already suffered enough.
El Topo (1970)
Unwatchable
I wouldn't say this movie is disappointing so much as it is utterly deflating. Like the director missed the point in a profound way, as if he had never seen a western and was unfamiliar with the purpose of movies. There's no soundtrack, no cinematography, no dialog worth remembering, no performance worthy of repeated viewing, and it was billed as a psychedelic western and it definitely did not deliver. I'm willing to admit I came in with certain expectations that may not have been fair to the movie, but in my defense it was supposed to be the work of a genius. El Topo is not the work of genius.
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Double you are eye tea ee
Features fear-based writing: instead of letting the story happen on its own, the fear of box office failure wrote the story. Committee decisions based on investor tastes replaced creative decisions made by a writer, which lead to mediocrity both as a movie and in ticket sales. Never let the money write the movie, always have the writer write the movie. It sounds simplistic but that's cause people are Goddamn stupid. Making movies is inherently a high risk investment, if you absolutely need to get a decent return, don't make movies, sell cocaine. Also maybe don't mind rape any characters in your next Star Trek movie because no one wants that ever.
Short Circuit (1986)
I'm okay with No.5 not being alive
I have made plans to never see this movie again and while those plans contain no specifics, those plans are definite. People often make children watch this movie under the premises that watching Short Circuit will kill time and that the children forced to watch the movie probably won't hate it. Short Circuit does kill time but not nearly as well as simply closing one's eyes and waiting, which can kill the same amount of time but without a terrible movie being involved. And I can't speak for other people but when I was a child and forced to watch Short Circuit, by the second viewing my hatred for this movie was forged in steel.
Dracula 3D (2012)
Way to go?
Dario Argento is one of my least favorite horror movie directors, and this movie is terrible and it is far and away the best Argento movie. Okay, he is super bad at filmmaking, like Argento uses sets that look like movie sets then lights those sets to all the more appear like a fake cheesy movie set. He consistently scores his movies with the ugliest cheapest music, and this one is no different. Like the dialog is always wooden forgettable words, and the acting is always stilted, like sort of mechanical. No for real, I'm legitimately baffled by almost all of Agento's directorial and artistic choices. I fully support his right to make lumpy off-putting movies and to be fair I've made 0 movies compared to any of his.