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Padre Pio (2022)
Misleading Title
So this has to be by far the most disappointing film I've seen in 2023. Why? I was so looking forward to this film for over a year before its release, expecting some semblance of a Padre Pio biopic. What I got instead? A completely different film whose plot involved the struggle of communists vs fascists in a small provincial Italian town, with Padre Pio being an incidental character who wasn't relevant to the plot AT ALL. In fact, had it not been for the last few seconds of the film's ending where they show him getting the stigmata, Padre Pio could have literally been interchanged with any generic provincial Italian friar. I'd even go a step further: if all his scenes were deleted from the film, it would not have changed the plot in the slightest whit. I would have at least been a bit more forgiving if they had taken 'artistic liberties' with telling Padre Pio's life, as some over-enthusiastic biopics tend to do.... but they didn't even do that! They do not discuss, flesh out, or even relay the tiniest iota of the story of Padre Pio... he is merely an incidental and inconsequential character in a story involving the early struggles of Italian partisans against the nascent fascists. I'm not saying that there is anything inherently wrong with that type of story (though truth be told, even that was bland and uninteresting), but if that was the main point and intent of the film, then the filmmakers should have been up front about it, and shouldn't have duped the audience by disguising this as having anything remotely to do with Padre Pio. Shame, as Padre Pio's story is fascinating on its own, and actually TELLING his story would have been immensely more interesting than this insipid drivel we were given here.
First Signal (2021)
The only impressive thing about this film was...
The only impressive thing about this "film" was how they managed to get so many obviously fake positive reviews. To even give this one star was generous. I was once again duped into watching this as the result of the supposedly high scores this steaming log of dung obtained.
All this film consisted of was a bunch of wooden inept "actors" talking to each other. That wouldn't have been THAT unforgiveable if it wasn't for the fact that the dialogue was so unengaging and devoid of thought-provoking ideas.
Now I'm not one to slam a heavily dialogue-based movie, but in order for it to pass, it would HAVE to be interesting and/or original enough to keep its audience's attention. 'First Signal' does NOTHING of the sort.
A dialogue-heavy film that does it right is Pontypool. Similar to 'First Signal', Pontypool was mostly dialogue sci-fi/horror flick that was set in one location, but it was so damned interesting and original, it kept me glued to my seat throughout. To those who read this: watch this film only if you find amusement by watching paint dry. Don't listen to the false high reviews. You have been warned!
The Power (2021)
Well, its garbage...
Or 'søppel' as I like to say in Norwegian. No, I'm not Norwegian, but seeing that there are at least two 'different' reviewers on her that began their review with this oddly-specific phrase, I thought it appropriate. This was literally one of those films that I struggled to get through (and almost didn't). There were just so many long and drawn-out periods where literally nothing happens (unless you count scurrying back and forth in darkened hallways as 'something happening). When something actually DOES occur, it's the usual trite and hackneyed drivel which any seasoned horror fan would roll their eyes at and YAWN. I really wanted to give this a chance, as I recently did a research paper on the miner's strike and the UK's 'Winter of Discontent', so I was so excited to see that this was used as a backdrop to this film...only to realise at the end that it was just an excuse to justify the fact that the production crew only had enough money to rent out a hospital that had been abandoned for 50 years, and could only afford to buy 3 lightbulbs. *sigh*
Run Hide Fight (2020)
An HONEST Review
Okay... So right off the bat, I know why there have been so many positive reviews made. The answer is obvious, and I'm not even going to go there. I'm just going to give my honest opinion regarding the actual film itself.
As an action movie, it was okay. It was, at best, mediocre. It brings nothing new to the table. The only real critique I have (other than the blatant propoganda) is the horrible script. It was amateurish at best. The students' dialogues were a bit stilted and unnatural, but again, due to the genre of the film, it didn't really detract that much away from it. This is an action flick, after all.
The other issue I had was with some of the plot elements. The ending was laughably unrealistic, implausible, and honestly seemed to have been shoehorned in as an after-thought.
Now the elephant in the room. Yes, this is a propoganda film, and what lessons does it teach you?
1: The only way to stop a school massacre is to arm the school security guard.
2: School shooters are either mentally ill, victims of bullyling, or starving for noteriety.
3: The only solution to gun violence and mass shootings is to ensure that the 'good guys' have unfettered access to guns.
All in all, it was more 'meh' for me. Yes, it's watcheable, the production quality was decent. The lead actress did a decent job (wish I could say the same for the rest)... but that's about it.
I know this was a work of propoganda, and despite the fact that I think it's sending out a very dangerous message, I rated this solely on the quality of the film. If I had to give it a rating based on the message it's trying to convey, I'd have given it a 1.
I Am Lisa (2020)
Not worth your time.
I rarely write reviews on here. But starting now, I'm going to make it my mission to leave a negataive review if two criteria are met: 1: I watched the film and it was horrible, and 2: If I see that there are obvious fake reviews posted by anyone involved in making the film or by paid shills. Those two who gave a 10-star review, I'm looking at you! This film had zero budget, zero acceptable actors, and zero entertainment value. When are people going to learn that posting fake reviews (although par for the course these days) causes more harm than good.
Little Joe (2019)
Soundtrack Makes this LITERALLY Unwatchable
I'm a 45-year-old movie fanatic. Have seen thousands upon thousands of films... but even the worst films I had seen I had bared through the end, just to see if maybe there are any redeeming qualities yet to come. I physically could not do this. For some godforsaken reason, some genious decided to include some ear-splitting high-pitched whining in the background (I have tinnitus, and it basically sounded like that sound amplified x 100). At first, I thought they would only do this just for one scene, but it kept repeating. By 10 mins in the film, I was getting a migraine. I had to stop because I physically could not deal with the noise. A first. And after reading the rest of the reviews, I guess I haven't missed much.
Kidnap (2017)
Awesome Thrill Ride!
First off, let me just say that I can rarely be bothered to write reviews on here. The only reason I decided to was due to: 1) lack of reviews, and most importantly 2) the very few reviews that have been posted here are so incomprehensively negative that the only explanation I can come up with was that they had to be shills (which is surprising to me, as most 'shills' on IMDb are only here to artificially increase a film's positive reviews).
That being said, I found these these first two negative reviews utterly baffling. Now I'm no expert film critic, but movies are my number one passion in life. As such, I've seen so many that I've literally arrived to the point where I'm thoroughly jaded...so much so that most everything that I've seen usually leaves me both bored and uninterested, or at best, mildly amused. Now that I've had my mini-rant, I'll continue on with my review.
As the title of the film implies, the story is as basic as it gets: a mother's son gets kidnapped, and said mother stops at nothing to get him back. From that simple premise (which has been rehashed millions of times), I began watching this with the expectation that I'll be seeing one cliché after another, with gratuitous violence and over-blown CGI and/or cheesy effects mixed in for good measure. I can honestly say that not only were those expectations overturned, but for the first time that I can remember, I was literally sat on the edge of my seat and kept in suspense throughout. That statement may sound generic and trite, but coming from a jaded cinephile, it becomes a huge compliment.
I never lost interest for a second, and the sheer intensity and suspense that I felt throughout 'Kidnap' got to the level where I was actively looking to see how many more minutes was left before it ended
not because I was bored and wanted to know how much more tedium I had to suffer, but so that I could tell how much more hell the protagonist (and by extension, I) had to go through before all the nail-biting suspense could finally come to an end.
It was a taught cat-and-mouse thriller expertly choreographed, and Halle Berry's acting was sublime! In fact, I was initially so put-off by the film's synopsis, I would have passed this over in an instant had it not been for the fact that Ms Berry was in it! The acting, cinematography and stunt-work were masterfully crafted in such a way so as to get you emotionally invested throughout. I think that is why this film engendered such a visceral reaction whilst watching it. If you cannot relate to nor care about the characters, the film you're watching falls flat, and you consequently lose interest very quickly. Not so with 'Kidnap'. The relatability of Berry's character, plus the superb job she did with this role, puts you right in the car seat next to her.
If you are like me, and suffer from the ennui that inevitably comes from having seen almost every movie ever made, and are looking for the proverbial 'white knuckle ride' and adrenaline rush, then I cannot recommend 'Kidnap' strongly enough. In fact, I wouldn't be exaggerating to say that this is on my top 4 list of films I've seen this year thus far!
So in a way, I give thanks to the two negative reviewers. Had it not been for them, I wouldn't have even bothered writing this review!
The Windmill Massacre (2016)
Awesomely Satisfying Dutch Slasher!
As with most IMDb veterans, I came in with quite a skeptical frame of mind before watching this. After all, this film had an abnormally high rating, yet not that many votes. So yes, we all know what that means! Usually, warning signs like that put me off from watching to begin with... but as I have an affinity for Euro-Horror, I cast my doubts aside, and gave this a try. I'm really glad that I did!
I am what you would consider quite the horror connoisseur. I've seen my fair share of films from this genre, ranging from the sublime (Martyrs, Calvaire) to the overrated (It follows), and down to the outright rubbish (The Happening).
Now I have to admit, I pretty much figured out the whole plot almost immediately, before it was officially revealed. The basic premise has been done and rehashed so many times so as to become a cliché. I won't give it away for fear of spoiling it prematurely (not that there is anything really to spoil), but what makes this different than the rest, and why I immediately forgave this foible, is that unlike the previous movies that employed this premise, this film didn't use that "twist" as some sort of secret to be revealed until the end, thereby purposely making you wonder what is happening all throughout the movie by throwing out a multitude of strange and bizarre ambiguities at the viewer. No, in "Windmill" the plot is completely revealed within the first 1/3 of the movie, and uses it to carry the story line forward, as well as to create further tension and conflict. There was absolutely no attempt made by the filmmakers to make up for bad writing by simply explaining it away at the end by the big "reveal". That's what I loved about it. I think it's called GOOD WRITING, and this movie made me realise just how rare this is in the horror genre these days! "Windmill" was honest with what it was, and certainly didn't skimp on the blood and guts. In fact, it liked to revel in its bloody glory...thus making the experience what it should be...a pure and unadulterated gore-fest!
The effects were more than decent, the acting was more than acceptable, and despite the fact that the plot has been done before (as I previously mentioned), it was expertly presented to the viewer in a fresh and original manner. If you're into the slasher/gore genre with a decent and well-written plot to it, then you cannot go wrong with "Windmill"!
The X Files (1993)
Greatest Revival/Resurrection of all Time!
Okay... so I very rarely write reviews on here...despite the fact that I've done my fare share of reading them. However, after watching this revival of X-Files, I was so impressed, that I felt that I had to share my joy with the world! Yes, I was one of those 90s teens that sat glued to their chair every week whilst X-Files was on. It was my favorite show at the time, and what I loved the most was the whole "monster of the week" format. I have to admit, I was never a fan of the underlying alien arc, and would remember getting very disappointed whenever an episode came on dealing with that alien plot as opposed to the "monster of the week" format that I so relished.
So you could just imagine my disappointment when I saw the first previews, and learned that (at least for the first episode) it would be more of this "alien crap". Boy was I ever wrong! Without giving too much away, all I can say is yes, It did involve elements of extra-terrestrials, but that was not really the plot...the adversary was, and has always been, mankind. For this pilot, Chris Carter did an excellent job taking advantage of our modern-day paranoia of the big-brother environment to evoke genuine feelings of disquiet and anxiety!!! Clever writing, clever plot...and not to mention excellent special effects (this could have easily gone down the route of overused CGI hell, but thankfully, much judicious restraint was used in this regard).
Anyway...before reading the other reviews on here... I was thinking to myself...now who would give this a bad review? The first thing that I thought of was "well, I'm sure that there will probably be an ultra-right conservative out there who will bash this, claiming it to be liberal propaganda!" (there was a character on here which was your typical parody of a Fox News pundit). You know the type of reviewers I'm talking about... those who watch things through political lenses and failing to appreciate this for what it really is. And guess what? I was right!!!!! When I read those "negative" reviews, the only "critique" that was raised...if you can call it that.... was that this was an anti-capitalist pro-Bernie Sanders Socialists' fantasy (????) Needless to say, I look forward to seeing what is to come, and will no doubt be counting down the seconds until the next episode!
Noroi (2005)
Not Worth a Minute of Your Time
This is the first time that I was suckered into watching a film by reading positive film reviews that are not shills. I have no idea how this happened. I'm pretty confident that those reviews calling this movie the "scariest/creepiest" ever watched are genuine, but did we see the same film?
This was probably the most boring, uneventful, and excruciatingly dull film that I've seen in a really long time. There literally was zero suspense, and was about as creepy as an empty shoe box. I wonder if the people who wrote a review saying that this is the scariest film they've ever seen get scared opening their own refrigerator? I literally lost interest after 20 minutes, and was continually watching the clock waiting for it to end.
Even today, one day later, I couldn't even tell you what the plot was about (I think I tried to push it all out of my head). Something to do with a demon and a psychic...? During the two hour run time, there was literally only a 2 second shot of some ghost-like figure. That's it. The rest comprised of dead dogs and pigeons, and a few overacting histrionic Japanese folks.
Save you time: avoid this one like the plague (unless you find dead animals spooky and interesting).
It Follows (2014)
Did I actually just finish watching the same film as everyone else?
This is probably the second film I've ever reviewed on here (and I've been an IMDb member for many years now). The reason I've felt compelled to do so is twofold: first off, I can honestly say without the slightest amount of exaggeration that I'm a "horror moviephile"; I've probably seen most all of the horror films ever made during the past 40 years from all over the world. Despite the risk of coming off sounding pretentious, I really and truly know the horror genre.
The second reason I've decided to review this film came down to the utterly horrible disconnect between the word-of-mouth rave reviews this film got (along with all of the assorted "best horror I've ever seen" tripe that I've hear strewn forth from many a source) and the actual material.
Well, I'll try to be as non-hyperbolic as possible. After watching the film, I literally...and I do mean LITERALLY... had to check to make sure if the film I just got done seeing was the same one that garnered all of those positive reviews. Apparently it was?!?! I don't know where to start, but I'll try. It was very slow and boring, and was not, and I do mean NOT suspenseful or frightening at all. In fact, I got to the point where I was even begging for a cheesy and cheap jump-scare, just so that I could feel something other than boredom, even if it was just for a moment. But no, not even a jump scare.
So here we are: no gore or special effects to speak of, no suspense, no horror, no interesting plot (actually, no real plot to speak of more involved than the game of "tag, you're it!"), no likable or realistic characters.... can someone PLEASE tell me how this film managed to garner so many positive reviews???? How???? How?????????? To be fair, as I stated previously, I have seen most all horrors out there, so perhaps I may be jaded... but if any of you are interested in a REAL horror film... one that actually lives up to the genre's name and that will remain with you for a long long time, watch "Martyrs". "Martyrs" is the nigh-perfect exemplar of and opus which exudes ultimate shock and horror. Coming in behind "Martyrs" is another gem called "High Tension". I think that aspiring horror directors/producers should be required to at least watch those two films before they even consider working in this genre.
For risk of this review turning into a "Martyrs" love-fest, I have to say that Martyrs is the ultimate epitome of a horror film, and even though I'm just about 39, I think that I will see out the rest of my life without experiencing any greater thrill that I felt when I saw Martyrs.
Anyway, who knows? In my shock and disbelief, my research was not that extensive, so I may actually find out that I have been pranked, and that I have just got done watching counterfeit instead of the actual "It Follows" film. If that is the case, I promise I will come back and edit this post. Until then, I have to slowly walk away in utter disgust and disappointment in how such a film which I had so much wonderfully high hopes and expectations for ended up leaving me feel empty, cheated, and disillusioned.
Styria (2014)
So now Hulu is in the business of writing fake reviews?
For shame!!! I can honestly say that if it wasn't for those two suspicious film "reviews" (who both seem to coincidentally promote Hulu) that were heaping unending words of praise and wonderment for this "film", I would have let this snooze-fest pass me by without allowing it to steal any more time from me than it already has; however, every time I see a fake review, I get so angry so as to allow that emotion to motivate to write my own. At least this way, people have access to at least one review not promulgated by a shill or anyone else with a pecuniary interest in promoting a film.
So I felt as though the story was lacking in any substance which kept my interest. Characters underdeveloped, nothing in the plot which got me to care what happens next. In fact, the only redeeming part of this endeavour was Stephen Rea, although methinks that he is the type of actor who always shines no matter where he's put. Long story short, I quit watching about halfway through. So to be fair, it is possible that the last half of the film could have been the greatest cinematographic event of a lifetime, but I wasn't in the mood to stick around and find out.