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Five-Dollar-Bin-Fanatic
Reviews
Hell's Highway (2002)
Seriously?
This was an AMAZING WASTE of my time. I mean, I LOVE stupid movies. I pretty much feed off of them. They make me feel so much better about my own movie making escapades, but this film, this dirty pile of gut wrenching, fake looking, I.Q lowering SLOP makes me feel like I should be up for Oscars. To begin with, the effects in this movie suck. That's putting it LIGHTLY. Now, I don't know about you, but when I watch horror flicks, I like to be persuaded that someone's ACTUALLY GETTING KILLED. Instead, I was persuaded that Phoebe Dollar was slicing through a red Jell-O filled rubber bag. Secondly, a lot of the sequences, a long with most of the acting, is more than laughable. Allow me to point out three of the MANY things that made me die laughing.
1. There was an unneeded sequence involving a cellphone/beeper that went on entirely too long, and just consisted of them looking at each other with a bunch of close ups. As an added bonus, I got to see a makeshift cardboard satellite hung up against a blue sheet with paper stars taped on it. I guess it was supposed to pass as space?
2. Toward the end, when we finally get to see what the Hell was actually going on, they try to pass off a TOY building as a research facility. WTF!? Oh, and the real kicker? They used TONKA DUMP TRUCKS TO PASS OFF AS REAL TRUCKS!!! SERIOUSLY!? So yeah, those toy trucks you're toddler plays with in the sand box, you know, the plastic ones? Apparently those can pass off as real trucks now. Go figure. You could see the sunlight right through them.
3. Last but CERTAINLY not least, the credits. Now, normally, people just skip through these, but with five-dollar-bin movies, I like to see what kind of stupid stuff they credit people with. For this movie in particular, it was additionally satisfying. I won't spoil it on here, but check the crazy credits on this page. It's fantastic. So, to wrap things up, the premise is horrible, the characters are horrible, all of the acting is horrible, the effects are horrible, and the ending is the worst ending I've ever seen in my short life. Promise me you won't waste your time.
Mother's Day Massacre (2007)
I know I'll never get those I.Q points back.
SURPRISE! You have an STD! You know what, I actually WOULDN'T be surprised if I got and STD from this piece of eye raping crap that some people would call "Mother's Day Massacre". I got this in a four movie collection from Echo Bridge Entertainment (and, for the record, they have a tendency to produce such crap, so whenever I see their logo, I die a little inside) known as "Backwoods Butchers", and none of them were worth watching twice. As for this one in particular, it isn't worth watching AT ALL. It's about some guy, who looks for his mother in some town, and meets some retarded kids who's mother is some weird Mexican chick who wants to kill the kid because his dad won't pay for their taken pot. First of all, the beginning made no sense, and I didn't click together that the chick who gets killed is even the main characters mother, and I didn't care enough to even gave a crap about the fact that he got his girlfriend pregnant, because frankly, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW HE GOT HER PREGNANT! See, when we first meet them both they were afraid to take a bubble bath together. He wasn't even allowed to look at her boobs! So, how they even got to have sex, I'll never know. But, just, promise me you'll never watch this movie. It makes no sense, and insults the intelligence of every horror film buff, and even lowers a person's I.Q a few DOZEN points. Oh, and God, I want that hour of my life back.
Spirit Hunter: La Llorona (2004)
Worst thing I've ever seen.
So, I bought this as a piggy back to another terrible movie, The Haunting at Marston Manor. Upon seeing that, I was glad to see that there was a movie that could possibly be better than that. Boy, was I disappointed. I make movies with a friend, and they're not the best. We're amateurs and we know it. We know that they could be a lot better. But at least ours have SUBSTANCE. It was so bad, that about four times during the course my family had agreed to turn it off, but decided to give it more time to redeem itself. It did not. The graphics and "animation" (if you can even call it that.) literally made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself (especially the news program. A photo from the frigging' scene in the movie? What, you couldn't even take the time to take another picture of him? No, I guess they just couldn't spare to spend anymore of their $200 budget, huh?)
Just, unless you want your IQ to be lowered fifty points, avoid this movie at all costs. It's not worth it!