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Longlegs (2024)
Stop comparing this to silence of the lambs
If you, like me, just read a tonne of reviews citing the much, much better film Silence of the lambs - let me save you 30 quid. This film is nothing like and not worth seeing on the big screen. Why?
Ok, so Nick Cage is barely in this, except for 20 odd minutes of it. He's inexplicably an albino who's visited Michael Jackson's surgeon, but recognisably Nick Cage as he does the trademark shouting screaming and losing it.
The plot starts out promisingly, and becomes both lazy and predictable, culminating in one of the silliest denouements of all time. The sound beats you over the head with absolutely 0 subtlety. Yeah, the filming is nice, if reminiscent of every other heavily stylised horror of the last few years, but there's ultimately no substance to this plodding sort of horror, sort of thriller.
T.1.M. (2023)
Silly and unoriginal
This film did absolutely nothing previous films have not done, employing every single trope about AI. It was passably entertaining if super predictable, with some truly ridiculous elements - the AI can change its appearance but can't dig a hole over 30cm deep to bury a body in? Honestly, if you've got nothing better to do and you're not looking for originality why not, but the comparisons to Black Mirror are unfounded so don't expect a smart comment on society and the future of AI, or an ethically challenging twist, or any of the other elements that make Black Mirror so compelling. You'll forget this very quickly.
The Bad Batch (2016)
Wonderfully atmospheric
I definitely did not expect to like this film upon reading the synopsis (quite similar thematically to German post apocalyptic classic Hell) but was pleasantly surprised. The storyline holds no major surprises and the pace is quite relaxed to say the least, but this was beautifully filmed with an excellent soundtrack and surprisingly strong lead performance from Suki Waterhouse. Couple of honestly quite haunting moments and I can't believe I'm saying that about a film made with Vice. Interesting cameos from Jim Carrey and Keanu Reeves, too - all in all definitely worth a watch (personally I've rewatched quite a few times now).
Inbred (2011)
Unfunny and unoriginal
I get that there's evidently a group of people out there who consider literally anything that depicts some form of gore part of a "cult genre". But this is just a waste of time. I like horror comedies but this wasn't funny, or engaging, or well-written, and tried really hard to be offensive at every opportunity and didn't even do that well enough really. Meh. I made it to the end and won't be rewatching it, best I can say really.
Papillon (2017)
Contains everything the original was missing
... Namely, bad guys from the balkans.
This wasn't a bad film, per se. It just didn't add anything to the story, add anything from the memoirs left out of the original film or exceed the original film in any way. Plus, it's fairly clear this was filmed in the balkans, which don't much resemble Guiana, and I'm also not sure what the aforementioned balkan bad guys are supposed to be doing in Guiana, either.
The Stepfather (2009)
Dull, predictable, poorly-acted and a soundtrack that'll make you groan
I've not seen the original. I first put this on as background noise and as it turns out, that was exactly what it was. Between the gross teeny soundtrack (often at odds with the scene) and the perfect teenagers, the perfectly groomed mums, the unconvincing protagonist and the uber-long runtime, this was a truly naff experience.
I don't recommend - it was honestly less entertaining than so many other mediocre thrillers 🤷♀️
Burlesque (2010)
Seen Coyote Ugly? Then you've seen this
Adds nothing to the small-town girl makes it big in the big city genre whatsoever apart from vibretto.
Gravity (2013)
Visually breath-taking and breath-takingly stupid
Is this film impressive? Yep. No expenses spared? Correct. All-star cast? Yup. Make any sense whatsoever? Err, no.
Short version:
Sandra Bullock, despite not knowing the first thing about space or being an astronaut, manages to destroy every space station in orbit in 2 hours, whilst complaining she's cold (she never does get dressed though for some odd reason) and hallucinating/half dreaming about some vague, traumatic backstory which is a complete cliché, before landing, still inexplicably dressed in yoga gear, to American glory.
Fatal Affair (2020)
Meh, cringe
This plot has been done to death already, from Fatal Attraction to Swimfan to that Beyonce film I can never remember the name of. And even that was better than this. Why recycle a knackered plot with uncharismatic, 1D characters? I am 58 minutes in and I feel a year older and more jaded. How can a film that runs just under 90 mins be this bland and drawn out?
Child 44 (2015)
A remarkable failure
A best-selling book loosely based on one of the maddest true life serial killers ever. How could a film adaptation with Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman go wrong?
Well, it did. Dingy rather than dark. Slow rather than tense. Ridiculous accents. Obvious goofs. Pretty much every nationality present except Russian. Then there's the actual plot. Leo and Raisa's relationship is totally 1D, which kind of undermines the entire story. The relationship between Leo and the killer, too.
This pleases no one.
Thriller lovers will be bored. Russians and slavs will find it hilarious and inaccurate. Fans of true crime will find it irrelevant. Fans of the book will be disappointed.
The Institute (2017)
I'll be honest - I didn't watch the end - and I bet you won't either
What an absolute contrived pile of crap. Starts off cliched and predictable and gets full-on ridiculous very quickly. Some truly rubbish acting, all characters are totally one-dimensional, the camerawork is average and I turned this off around an hour in when my husband walked in and asked 'What's that total crap?' and I realised when answering that I didn't have a bloody clue, despite being over an hour in.
The Maus (2017)
Contrived and confusing
Despite the main actress's excellent performance, this film was just downright disappointing.
This film combined a number of themes and genres badly weaved together, and not only were certain segments either downright confusing or really drawn-out, but the end result wasn't a coherent story either.
A Cure for Wellness (2016)
Like watching three different films
The setting is stunning, the camerawork too, but this film lacks consistency, there are more holes in the plot than in a chunk of Emmental and the last half an hour is absolutely bizarre.
First half of the film is brilliant. An unsettling Gothic thriller slash semi-fantasy. There's a bit of a lack of character development, granted, and the story of the sanitorium is downright ridiculous, but it's moody enough to work.
Then it starts getting drawn out, with long, pointless shots and some pretty predictable scenes. By the time you're into the last half an hour you have no idea what the hell you're watching and the end is ridiculous. Like someone at a brainstorm said 'What can we do to make this different?' and took a tab of LSD before writing the final scenes.
The film leaves a million questions unanswered, but most are so ridiculous that we're probably better off not knowing.
I'd give this a watch, because as a film, it's very entertaining, but be prepared to suspend belief, fall asleep around an hour and a half in and be very disappointed with the end.
The 5th Wave (2016)
Inane
Skies Are Falling meets that much-more-decent post-apocalyptic film with Saorse Ronin in it and makes for 1hr52mins of absolutely pants viewing. One-dimensional characters, a downright silly plot, cliche after cliche after cliche and Chloe pouting her way through the least believable teen romance ever.
Honestly, unless you're 12 (and haven't seen all the better rehashings of the same plot) don't even bother.
Don't Kill It (2016)
A really bad, completely hilarious rip-off of Fallen
Lots of gory, silly fun. Really terrible acting. Absolutely awful dialogue. Could've been a really smart film a la Fallen but chose to go silly instead and I'm sort of glad it did?
One-dimensional characters is an understatement. No surprises from Lundgren, but the main actress is just awful; she basically doesn't raise her voice or change facial expression throughout any number of gory situations.
Still, worth a watch if you have zero expectations, like fake blood and a giggle and have an hour and a bit to waste.
Salem (2014)
Hollywood rubbish
Pig heads, blood, screaming, dirty teeth, a failed romance, big doe eyes, hangings...
Basically as much gore and boob as they could fit in to 60 minutes. Not going any further with this, it's total rubbish & does not address/attempt to address any of the interesting themes around these real-life events - just makes them ridiculous.
Solace (2015)
This was hilarious, frankly.
I'm not a film buff, or a would-be critic, or someone who needs beautiful camera-work to get off.
This I'm still watching (an hour in) only because every time it gets worse I start laughing in disbelief. I can only assume Hopkins and Farrell were broke or high when they read the script (appalling... seriously) and as for the daughter, the other two cops and just about everyone else in the film... I found myself wanting the killer to take the lot. Pre-emptively, before the film was bloody made.
The "moral premise", I agree, is okay. Or rather was, in the 100 films which dealt with it first, in a much better way. Sort of an Arlington Road type thing. Except not good. Or well-acted. Or well- written. And really badly directed. With odd, sloppy camera work and odd make up and a horrific soundtrack which never has anything whatsoever to do with what's going on on the screen. Like someone turned on their iPod on random every third scene.
Fans of bad one-liners, appalling character interaction, close-ups of ants on a half-eaten sausage roll, Anthony Hopkins desperately flailing in a role so shallow I'd rather watch One Night in Paris again because the characters and plot were more believable - this is the film for you.
I never bother writing reviews but I genuinely had to save anyone with half a brain from wasting two hours of their lives.
It's not even really funny bad. I don't know why I'm laughing. *sigh* I'm not getting this time back, am I?
OK, I'm about to turn this crap off now (10 mins before the end). Yeah, I can see why the comparison to SeVen. The "plot twist" is a bad rip-off.
Don't watch.
Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
I'd rather kick a wall with cocktail sticks under my toenails than watch this again.
I'm sorry to contradict the various pretentious black-and-white- photograph types who've bandied around such words as 'glorious' and 'a succulent extravaganza' and similar, but I felt I had to write a review to warn anyone with an IQ over 65.
This film is just awful.
The plot, summarised: pew, pew, PEW, BOOM, BOOM, sand, boom, pew. (Apologies for spoiling the surprise.)
The acting: who's that again? What's the point of what they're doing now? Why are we supposed to care?
The CGI: boom, boom, splatter, sandstorm, splatter, boom, growl, boom.
Also, I have to mention that the "motorcycles" and "stunts" done on said motorcycles p'ed my biker husband off royally.
Don't waste your time. This film is about as Mad Max as Jake Gyllenhaal was Prince of Persia. All budget, no actual substance of ANY sort - not even entertainment value, really.