Reviews
Absolon (2003)
One of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever.
As far as direct-to-video sci-fi, it hardly gets worse than Absolon, and that's saying a whole lot. As with about 97.9% of the people who have seen this movie, I rented it because Christopher Lambert was in it. This movie was bad even by Christopher Lambert direct-to-video standards. The plot is a ludicrous story of viruses and big business in the "future". This future doesn't look very futuristic, but this is explained away in the prologue by telling the viewer that because so many people died in a plague, the world's population has enough goods to last another 100 years. I guess that's why everyone drives 2001 Tauruses and Explorers then, not budget constraints, right? Lambert comes out OK here, as he once again rises above his awful material to give what is at the very least an acceptable performance. Other than that, watch out. Lou Diamond Phillips hams it up like never before, and even Ron Perlman is stunningly awful in his small role (I guarantee he wasn't on set for more than a day or two, as his character never leaves his desk, and about halfway through the movie he stops interacting in person with the other characters, instead using video conferencing). Additionally, I'm pretty sure that in this future, anyone can be a cop, because one of Lambert's fellow cops looks like she is about 10 minutes removed from a Ramones show (with dark red streaks in her jet-black hair) and another appears to be wearing some sort of Indiana Jones Halloween costume (fedora included). Kelly Brook is gorgeous as Lambert's love interest, although her acting talent is limited as is her willingness to do nude scenes apparently. I've never felt so teased by a female character's lack of nudity in my life.
The direction is awful, I'm sure half of the people that read this, if not more, could make a better movie. Barto uses some of the most ridiculous editing techniques I've ever seen, including an incredibly obnoxious fast-forward/slo-mo combination that hurts my eyes every time it comes on screen. Even worse than the direction is the music. It's one thing to have the John Carpenter-esquire simplistic synth score, it's quite another to try to make it sound complex. The score was obviously recorded entirely on a synthesizer on "Strings" setting to emulate an orchestra, and the effect is hilarious, giving every second of music in the film a Casio Keyboard quality. This is not the only problem with the sound, however, as I swear there was one point in a chase sequence when Brook moved her mouth as if speaking and no speech accompanied it.
One of the worst movies I've ever seen, and maybe THE worst, but I'm giving it 3/10 because it is unintentionally funny to the point of actually being watchable all the way through, if only to wait for the next misstep.
Ocean's Twelve (2004)
That's IT? No, really, that's IT?!
I had very high hopes walking into this movie. After all, Ocean's 11 was a truly great Hollywood product. Its rapid-fire jokes, incredible star power and tight script made it one of the most fun caper films I have ever seen. Of course, with all the money it made, a sequel was on the way, and I, for one, was excited.
Needless to say, I was absolutely blown away by this movie. Blown away by how horribly wrong things can go. This movie had everything going for it; the return of the entire original cast, the same director, news stories of crazy on- and off-set antics. How could it possibly have gone so wrong?
It starts immediately with one of the most awkward and unnecessary opening sequences ever and goes downhill from there. After reasonably goofy short scenes between Pitt/Zeta-Jones and Clooney/Roberts, the film spends several minutes watching Andy Garcia waltz from scene to scene, telling each individual member of Danny Ocean's original eleven that he wants his money back. Believe me when I say that these scenes are only here to pad Andy Garcia's running time, because without these ridiculously awkward shots, his screen time would be WELL under five minutes.
This leads me to another major qualm I had with this film. The pacing is so uneven that characters are dropped completely from the story, and only sometimes brought back later. Bernie Mac's character is dropped from the script early on, and never comes back except for 2 short scenes with no dialogue. Garcia appears for the first few minutes, and returns for an exceptionally brief scene at the end. Roberts shows up for about 5 minutes at the beginning, and isn't even mentioned again until there's about 20-25 minutes left. Even Clooney himself spends a large chunk of the film in prison.
This would all be excusable if the film was funny. At all. 90% of the jokes fall completely flat and the ones that do work are worth a chuckle at best. The "plot" is undeniably worthless, and left me feeling cheated. At one point in the film, the team takes on a job worth $2.5 million of the nearly $100 million they need to raise before Garcia's two-week deadline. Several characters even acknowledge how absurd wasting the time to do this job is, but they do it anyway! Over 30 minutes of the film revolve around this job that they shouldn't even be doing, and one gets the feeling that this part of the plot was simply added to pad the running time. Furthermore, the equipment they use to pull this job off CLEARLY cost millions upon millions to fund. Just wait until you see what they do to pull this job and realize it would cost far more than $2.5 million to pull off. Obviously, because of this, they have to pull off several jobs to make the money. The beauty of the first film was the one big con and how ingeniously and intricately it was pulled off. Here, they pull so many jobs, in so many different ways, that they rush through all of them because to explain them would make the film several hours long.
We all know walking into this film that there will be a big twist at the end. Thus is the nature of the caper film. The twist at the end of Ocean's Twelve made me laugh; not because it was funny, but because I couldn't believe how cheated I felt. I won't give it away, because I know most of you will be foolish enough to throw down the money to see this movie anyway.
What I will say is that it makes most of the 2 hours you have sat through already completely irrelevant.
I was excited to see this film, after absolutely adoring Ocean's 11. I left the theater feeling like I had been the victim of a truly great con pulled by the cast and crew of this movie in tricking me into thinking that this movie would actually be worth watching. I have never given a 1 to a movie on IMDb.com, but there's a first time for everything. Consider yourselves warned....1/10
The Invitation (2003)
Warning: Not a horror movie!
Do not be fooled by the poster and cover art or by the trailer for this film, it is not a horror film. It is a morality play, and a pretty intriguing one at that.
The basic plotline: Roland (Henriksen) invites his six best friends to his island estate for a getaway. He tricks them into taking a poison and tells them that the only way he will give them the antidote is if they tell their greatest secrets, if they atone for their sins.
This film is actually quite well done, with the characters each struggling with their own demons, wondering whether their secrets are worth dying for. Henriksen is excellent as always, and relative unknowns Christopher Shyer (Joel) and David Livingstone (John) stand out from the rest of the cast by giving fantastic performances.
The Invitation is not a horror film by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a very intriguing morality play with solid acting from an ensemble cast of anonymous unknowns, with the exception of Henriksen. Well worth a watch. 7/10.
Zombi 2 (1979)
A great zombie flick, a must-see for all horror fans!
Zombi 2, known in America as simply Zombie, is one of the finest zombie films of all time. As the film that put legendary Italian director Lucio Fulci on the map, Zombi 2 has a simple, yet engaging storyline revolving around Tisa Farrow and Ian McCulloch's characters investigating the death of Farrow's father, leading them to a remote island where they join up with a vacationing couple and the village doctor to solve the mystery of the village's dead rising to live again as zombies. The zombie makeup is fantastic, far better even than Romero's zombies, and the gore flies early and often in this one, as Fulci spreads the red stuff liberally across the screen. There is also ample female flesh, and the classic zombie vs. naked chick vs. shark underwater battle. This film is not all about the violence, however, as the first half-hour or so is spent mostly on character development and setup, a very strong move by Fulci which allows the viewer to actually get to know the characters as more than just future victims. Additionally, even though some characters have been noticeably dubbed over, the acting is far above most low-budget foreign horror films of the time, especially from Farrow The music is typical late 70's-early 80's synthesizer fare, but it works very well, mixing typical synth melodies with intense island beats. Zombi 2 (or Zombie) is highly recommended for any horror fan. 9/10.....
Below (2002)
Well-conceived horror project
"Below" is a great example of studios making bonehead decisions. This film, directed by David "Pitch Black" Twohy and written by Darren "Requiem for a Dream" Aronofsky, was horribly undermarketed for the sheer amount of filmmaking talent behind it, was shuffled into theaters with basically no advertising campaign, and, predictably, failed. However, don't let this fool you into thinking that it is a bad movie. No movie from two rising Hollywood geniuses like these could ever be bad. The story is relatively simple, chronicling the events of an American WWII submarine that encounters strange occurences and after rescuing 3 survivors of a sunken British ship, but the direction is tight and the storyline twists in all the right places, making a routine thriller into something well worth watching. The acting is good throughout, with no standouts or complete failures in the cast. Take my advice and check out this solid thriller with plenty of tense moments..........9/10.
Bad Company (2002)
Movie fanatic sharing my views
Bad Company is a good movie with an undeserved bad reputation. True, Anthony Hopkins was probably doing this one just for the paycheck. Chris Rock is a little over the top, also true. But this is a solid flick with a lot going for it. The story is unoriginal but enough differences make it worth watching. The angle of Chris Rock being a gangster covering for his dead CIA brother is refreshing and fairly original. The film has some good comedy (some flat jokes too though), and solid action. Trevor Rabin's score is subtle and fits perfectly, giving the film the serious tone it needed at times. There are several intense moments and, overall, this is a film that deserves to be watched. Joel Schumaker's direction, while not the best of his career, is good, and certainly an improvement from the disaster that was 8MM, and he deserves to be commended for coming back from that catastrophe. Watch this movie. 8/10.