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Longlegs (2024)
False Advertising Leads to Disappointment
Longlegs was, at best, a middling easily forgettable horror movie. Much like "Paranormal Activity" or "Insidious," we have been shown these outlandish claims for weeks that were either outright fabrications, or the reviews of people that have never seen a horror movie in their lives. "This is the scariest movie you'll ever see!" "Nic Cage is unrecognizable, your heart rate will explode when you see him!" All of these are pretty empty promises even to a general audience. The movie starts in a great place, we have some genuinely unsettling imagery, a creepy half shot of Nic Cage, some stylistic elements in the film and credits, it had a lot going for it for about twenty minutes. We have this tremendous setup, an agent that has some form of psychic premonition--even if it only works from time to time. And then, most of what was built up is thrown out of the window over the last hour of the film. I was so hopeful that all of the generic "the devil did it" malarkey was going to be a red herring, and it would turn out that he's just a psychopath. That would have been FAR scarier than another generic, run of the mill "devil" horror movie. Even if you absolutely love devil movies, and were somehow frightened by the ridiculous lead up to the end, the last 5 seconds of the movie completely invalidates anything you've seen before it. The stupid, tongue-in-cheek lil' "Hail Satan" at the end by a smiling, ridiculous visage of Cage was just so groan inducing and cringey it really brought it down that much more. In summation, the marketing for this movie made the let-down much more drastic than just advertising this movie accurately would have--but I guess they know once they have your money it doesn't really matter what you think of the film.
The Whale (2022)
What an incredible character study.
If you are already a fan of Darren Aronofsky's other cerebral works, you may think you have an idea of what to expect when watching "The Whale." I had certain preconceived notions walking into this movie, and I am glad to say they were shattered. I love Aronofsky's film catalogue for the most part, and really appreciate the performances that he is able to evoke from the actors he works with. (See Ellen Burstyn in "Requiem For a Dream.") The performances that Brendan Fraser, Sadie Sink and Hong Chau brought to this almost perfectly told drama are the brightest gems in this already glimmering film. The raw, unfiltered emotion that pours through Brendan Fraser will allow you to see him in a light in which you have not before. He tells Charlie's story in such a way that I don't believe could have been accomplished by any other actor. It was truly a perfect casting choice. The deep seated issues that Sadie Sink face as her character explode out of her in a powerhouse performance that I still find myself thinking about a week later. It is so easy to hate her character, which speaks to her depth as an actor. If you move past her character's seething rage and peer into the reason's she's developed the way she has, the performance make so much sense. If you're looking for a truly well crafted and harrowing story of personal loss, grief, punishment and self-sabotage, this movie can't be recommended enough.
Velma (2023)
Pure unadulterated garbage.
You know when someone thinks they are being really funny, when instead they are just being kind of rude and hateful? That would be this show. It felt more like an edgy YouTube spoof from the early 2000s than an actual show. You really didn't need to mess with such a great, wholesome and generation spanning IP. People are hateful and will review bomb movies and shows because they disagree with the politics or idea of the show. I figured that would be the case, but please know that these reviews are accurate. This show is truly insulting to its audience, the original creators and actors of these characters, and human decency in general.
Anomalisa (2015)
What a transcendent, utterly impressive film. A must watch for the thoughtful and inquisitive.
I watched the trailer for this movie in 2016, and while I was interested in the stunning stop motion animation, it was never a "must see" for me based on the trailer alone. It seemed like it would be an uplifting indie romantic comedy of sorts, but that trailer is not at all representative of the actual film. I can't remember the last time I was so taken by what can only be called a piece of cinematic art. It is important to remember with this (and most of Charlie Kaufman's more recent films) that the surface is only that, a thin layer of veneer that separates the unexamined from the exceptional. So many of the reviews I've seen for this movie are thoughtless. Reviews from people unable to look deeper and see meaning beyond what is presented to them literally. Despite being (beautifully and dutifully) animated stylistically and very strangely, this film takes a look at mental illness and loneliness in what I can only describe as a wholly human manner. I watched last Friday, and have been consistently thinking about this for a full week. There are so many layers to unearth and dive more deeply into. If you didn't give this movie a proper chance or misunderstood its true value, I implore you to take another look. If you haven't yet seen it, go in knowing that you are about to experience an almost spiritual journey into what makes us all human,
The Night House (2020)
Wholly underrated, expertly crafted.
It is uncommon for a horror movie to deliver in its conclusion what we have been promised in its telling. So often in film, especially contemporary horror, we see the seed of a genuinely terrifying idea ineffectually planted--only for the poorly thought out ending to ruin the entire journey. This is not the case with The Night House. Nearly every negative review I've read of this movie has been written by the shortsighted and unexamined. This is one of the very rare movies that allow itself to both be complete allegory, as well as literally taken. Beth (Rebecca Hall) has just lost her husband to a suicide that completely blindsided her. She is left hurt, angry, confused and seeking answers. We discover part way through the film that Beth herself is no stranger to death, having technically died for four minutes years earlier after a car accident. It was during those four minutes that she discovered there was nothing beyond the veil. No bright light, no heaven, no hell, just nothing. "There is nothing." This is an extremely poignant moment in the movie, because it's where our split between literal and figurative first comes in to play. If you're to take the movie at face value, this is when she first encounters the "demon" that is effectively personified emptiness. If you take it allegorically, this is when she first faces the terrifying conclusion that there is nothing beyond this life--making death and loss all the more frightening. Beth begins to feel, hear and sometimes see a presence in her house. Once completely cynical to the idea of life after death, she begins to believe that it's her husband Owen trying to speak to her from the great beyond. Perhaps she was wrong, and there is, in fact, another plane of existence. After all, wouldn't that make her husband's death easier to accept? Wouldn't that make any death easier to accept? Knowing that it isn't completely over, that there is something else? It certainly makes such a large pill easier to swallow. We see that in every religion in the world, despite overwhelming evidence that they are all just compounded ideologies of wishful thinking. Finally, we learn that this presence isn't Owen at all, but rather "Nothing" itself. It draws her in, it entices her. No more pain, no more wondering, no more loud distracting noises, only nothingness. "Nothing" reveals to Beth that he whispered in Owen's ear all of these years, begging Owen to kill Beth and send her back to it. This is another split between the literal and the figurative. In the literal, Owen (perhaps) killed a series of women that looked vaguely like Beth to try and trick the "Nothing." He buried them under the floorboards in his "opposite house." Was this actually a supernatural act, sparing Beth the same fate at the hands of "the Nothing?" Or was Owen simply a very sick man that had his own deep-seated urges that were exacerbated by knowing there is nothing after death? Was he "infected" by Beth's near death experience, as she says? Was this the way he coped with this knowledge? Was he a serial killer that was supplementing his urges to kill Beth in other ways? Did he even ever kill at all, or were these women that Beth saw constructs of her own paranoia that Owen was cheating on her? That is ultimately up to the viewer to decide. I won't take the time to detail every instance in the movie, but will instead jump to its conclusion. Beth finds herself in the very boat that Owen used to commit suicide, holding the same revolver he shot and killed himself with. In the literal plane, we see the demon (using Owen's likeness) attempting to talk Beth over the edge into suicide. He does all that he can to convince her. She's lost, alone, consumed by her own grief. That is, until her best friend discovers her in the water. She pulls Beth overboard, saving her from the trecherous waters. Allegorically, this is what it sometimes takes to escape grief. A true, caring person to physically remove you from the situation and help you understand there IS something. Something to live for, something to stay for. The last shot of the movie shows Beth staring at the boat. The "Nothing" can be seen as an outline in the waves, letting you know that in the literal plane, that creature is still there. In the allegorical plane, she was saved this time--but that creeping knowledge and depression will still exist. She will still have to fight it another day. Her neighbor sees nothing in the boat because, well, he's made it past his demons and has accepted the loss of his wife. This is one of the best crafted films released in years, and if you didn't understand the ending I implore you to go back and watch again.
Malignant (2021)
May work with the right audience, but objectively bad.
I went in to "Malignant" completely blind aside from having seen it's very well made movie poster. Serious kudos belong to the graphic designer for creating such an enticing poster for such a strange and frankly terrible movie. The movie begins within a flashback in 1993, and the acting at this point was fiercely over the top and reminiscent of an eighties soap opera. The special practical effects in the opening (which were introduced early) were shockingly bad. I soon began to wonder if maybe this was a purposefully campy movie. Over the top cheese often really works when leaned into the correct amount. This unfortunately wouldn't be the case. Shortly after the opening and the titles, the movie began to take itself seriously again-aside from some pretty painful ensemble acting. They threw in a few spooks here and there in the first half hour, and I was entertained enough to keep watching. As the film continued to unfold, more and more jarring plot elements were introduced that directly contradicted one another. About two thirds in to the movie, I accepted that this would just be a run of the mill B minus horror film. Then, it happened. I don't want to ruin too much for you, but the movie takes a complete left turn and seemingly switches genre to something much worse. It's at this point that the movie takes a hard nosedive and you're left speechless-mouth agape. What were they thinking? Many people had to green light this movie, and it still turned out this way. The reasons the movie deserves a three are because of the occasional genuinely creepy imagery, certain well done cinematography shots, and outright creativity in some regards. Still, even with absolutely no expectations going in, I was left wildly disappointed, bewildered and unsatisfied.
Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure (2008)
One of the worst things I've ever seen-I love it.
I stumbled upon this movie deep within the recesses of Amazon Prime late on a Saturday night. It made for a lot of fun and laughs, and for that reason I highly recommend it. Especially with a group of people that are into strange movies. I genuinely don't know if it was made for children or adults, but I can't imagine your kids will enjoy it. The animation is frighteningly bad, which I really appreciate. The voice acting may all just be one guy? I feel like that's the case. It's less than an hour long, what do you have to lose? Grab some beer and some friends and watch this nightmare movie.
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
Truly one of the worst movies ever made.
I find myself torn between giving this movie a one or a ten-ultimately I had to go with the former. On one hand, I hate myself for spending ninety minutes watching a self indulgent dumpster fire of a film. On the other hand, this movie is EXTREMELY fun to watch, and is one of my go to "worst movie ever" titles. I can't suggest watching this enough, but objectively it's very bad.
Charlie's Angels (2019)
Objectively terrible, but in a really fun way.
I'm not going to pretend that the newest reboot of Charlie's Angels wasn't abysmal, it was, but it was no worse than say..."Shanghai Noon" or "Shanghai Nights." Not to say it's an honor being compared to that kind of early 2000's tongue in cheek slightly nauseating action comedy, but people are acting like this movie is a breakthrough in trash. It's not.
I'll start with what works, which isn't a lot. As a huge fan of the Charlie's Angels series, it was also pretty awful. It has it's charm, it's time period, and the grace of Farrah and Jacklyn that makes it an iconic series that's been rebooted by Hollywood twice now. The same cheesy antics, the catchy theme song, the falling haplessly over the hood of a police car for a stakeout-these are all well done callbacks to the classic series. Had they played more towards parody and less towards badass action heroes, this movie would have been a lot less sour for many people. That said, I really love TRULY awful movies, so I had a fantastic time and it was money well spent.
Kristen Stewart...god help her, she tries. Every single one of her lines plays as if it was written by a middle schooler that is always "on" if you know what I mean. She can't just say a line, it always has to end with her being ditzy, but cute and random. I understand that is the character choice they went for, but it just comes off as shallowly written. Again, I'm just being objective, I loved how bad she was.
Elizabeth Banks, who I tend to be a fan of, is kind of becoming a characature of herself in her more recent films. She wrote and directed this picture, and many times I could picture her clacking away at a typewriter giggling to herself about the very mild and wildly unfunny quips and trope laden dialogue vomited out of every characters mouths at any given second. She also said, regarding the movie's horrible reviews, that male viewers just don't like watching women heroes. While I absolutely acknowledge that a tremendous amount of sexist neckbeard trolls do think that way and post disgusting online comments and reviews about things like this, she's got to take credit for this garbage can of a movie. It's not just the fedora boys that didn't like this because they're salty ingrates. Very much of this movie was ham-fisted "MAN BAD WOMAN ALWAYS HARASSED" and on one hand I get it. That's really relevant in Hollywood (and EVERYWHERE) right now. A lot of rapists and gropers coming to light, and it's a theme that's at least worth a mention. That said, every single man in this movie is a force of evil in some way. Every one of the Angels get sexually harassed EVERYWHERE they go, and it's just so in your face. I get it, I'm your ally, but seriously they can't go anywhere without some form of sexual harassment or like man guilt. "Smile sweetheart, it'll go a long way!" Or a security guard spilling his coffee and leaving his post so he could scramble across a hotel and sexually assault Kristen Stewart with a metal detecting wand. Just take it easy, Elizabeth.
"Patrick Stewart, what are you doing here man?" I've seen this sentiment from a lot of reviews. What do you mean!? He's collecting a paycheck and acting in a movie that was probably a lot of fun to make, just like all of these actors. Get over it, Opie.
So, it boils down to this. Do you want to laugh and cringe at a truly terrible but very fun movie? Great, watch this! If you don't enjoy watching movies ironically, stay away and you won't have to complain.
Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)
Only the greatest film ever to ever come out of the Scooby Doo franchise.
Picture this. It's fall of 1998, it's Friday afternoon. You are in third grade. It's your birthday. Your parents are allowing you to have a sleepover, which is extremely rare. Your friends got a permission slip to ride the bus home with you, which has never happened. All you asked for For your birthday was the sleepover, a movie rental and a cheese stuffed crust pizza for you and your two best friends. It's going to be the best birthday of all time! Money is tight, and you're not expecting anything else, but who would need more? You get home and go outside to play in the back yard until sunset. Finally, the hour arrives. Pizza time! You run in to the house and...wait, could it be? There's a gift wrapped on the table. A present! "Love, Mom and Dad!" is written neatly across the tag. You look to your Mom, who's standing nearby at the kitchen counter. Dad isn't home from work yet, he works long hours. You know you should wait for him to get home, but Mom asks "Well, what do you think it is?" You know exactly what it is, a hard cover VHS of...something. But what? It doesn't matter, it's a movie that you're going to OWN! One of three, now, that you can watch so many times you wear out the tape. You can picture exactly where it's going on your shelf, right next to your other treasures: "Casper" and "Homeward Bound." Your friends are excited for you, knowing that it's basically a gift for them too. With a nod of approval from Mom, you slowly unwrap the paper, and see the familiar words "Scooby Doo." You love Scooby Doo. You've been seeing commercials, fast food toys and all sorts of other promotions for the new Scooby Doo film "Scooby Doo on Zombie Island." You've been dying to see it, but...that just came out? Surely it isn't-IT IS! You explode with excitement, the shockwave of which sends your friends into a barbarian like frenzy. You pop the tape into the VCR, and you're immediately thrust in to the rich American lore of Scooby Doo as he and the gang run from a muscular green menace. You know in your mind that this villain will surely be thwarted-but maybe this time there's a possibility that he will be real! After all, it's bound to happen some time. After being serenaded by a frankly awe inspiring late nineties pop-punk rendition of the Scooby Doo theme song, it's revealed that this is just one more freak in a mask. If only there were real ghosts, real mysteries and real danger...perhaps Scoob and the gang will run in to just such mysteries on...ZOMBIE ISLAND! Intrigued? You should be, this is a masterpiece of animation and vocal talent. The sequel, however, which came out two decades later in 2019 is a shameless and soulless follow up not worth your time.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019)
A fun and decent X-Men movie.
I was expecting so much less from a movie that got obliterated by critics and fans alike. The Dark Phoenix storyline in X-Men is fantastic, and arguably the best plot line in the series. That's a lot to live up to, and there's no doubt that it could have been done better, but I still thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I was pleased that all of the featured X-Men had at least one moment dedicated to their incredible abilities. With the exception of Xavier and Eric, the acting needed work across the board. Some of the acting was exceptionally lackluster or poorly directed, there's no doubt about that. Visually, the effects were stunning and I never found myself groaning from poor or overdone CGI. As much of a fan as I am of the comic, I've never felt any of the X-Men movies (aside from Logan) to be exceptionally well made, but they've all been a lot of fun. The Dark Phoenix continues that trend, and certainly doesn't deserve the 1 and 2 star ratings that seem to be so abundant.
Hellboy (2019)
A fun movie that's unjustly hated.
As far as the average movie goer, I can kind of understand not loving 2019's Hellboy, but it just got torn apart by critics. As a casual fan of the comic books, I enjoyed the movie overall. I far preferred it to the Ron Perlman version, though I didn't hate those either. David Harbour is far better suited to play Hellboy, and his acting really helps carry the film. Visually, most of it looked great. There were a couple of moments that featured poor looking cgi, like a short shot of baby Hellboy and the creepily erotic Cheetah. Other than that, visuals were pretty fantastic. The violence was over the top and heavily featured, but that's what I expected from a proper R rated take on the comic. The scores were well suited for the scenes they accompanied. All in all I had a lot of fun watching this rendition of the franchise, and I hope David Harbour has the opportunity to reprise his role again in the future.
Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019)
A solid film in the Spider-Man franchise.
Having grown up on the comics, cartoons, and now having lived through three cinematic versions of Spider-Man, there's always a lot to live up to. The web-slinger has always been my personal favorite super hero, and he's has a lot of attention in the last few years. I know people have a lot of gripes with them (what else is new) but I truly love the Raimi trilogy, and it will likely always be my favorite. I think that Tom Holland is a much better Spider-Man, but I just loved the Raimi universe so much more. There was a time in which we could go see a Marvel movie and just enjoy a detailed story about one hero, without having to keep up with the tech and story lines of a thousand others. I know, I know, that makes it more like the comic books, but with a new super hero movie launching every three months, can't we ever step away from the big picture and just focus on the protagonist? I say this because I was so excited to see Tom Holland' Spider-Man without the movie being infiltrated by Iron Man. It got to the point that every Marvel movie was basically Iron Man and friends, and that's just not what I'm looking to see. Now, here we are after Tony's death, and I feel like the movie still revolves around him posthumously. With those complaints out of the way, let's talk about the great. The visual effects in Far From Home were stunning, which I feel like isn't always a guarantee. Mysterio was well done and much closer to the comic/cartoon series many of us know and love. I felt like Michael Keaton's version of The Vulture was such a poor departure from one of the greatest villains in the series, and was extremely disappointing. Not so with Quinton Beck. The after credit scenes both packed a wallop, which I feel is very rare. The web-slinging and fighting action was pretty fantastic, though a bit under done in my opinion. All in all a very solid film and much better than Homecoming. I'm looking forward to seeing what's to come for our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
Aladdin (2019)
It's what Disney has set us up to expect.
Ever since Disney first announced they were releasing live action versions of their movies, I was excited for this Aladdin. After all, I was raised on the three cartoon movies and Robin Williams' classic Genie. To go off on a tangent for a moment, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie from Disney's second Golden Age of animation, but the live action movie was pretty rough. Aladdin made some of the same mistakes that Beauty and the Beast made. That is to say, choosing a big named actor that can't really sing well and drowning them with auto-tune rather than casting actual singers in a musical. In a world with eight billion people, and coming from an acting background, I can say with 100% certainty that there are amazing actors/singers out there by the truck load. Yet, we still had to suffer through a robotic Emma Watson trudging through "Something There." Now, in the same vein, we have Will Smith trying his damndest to give the Genie a fresh (prince) new take on his songs, but they fall flat and in many places made me physically cringe. That said, Will Smith still provides a lot of laughs and I found myself liking him more and more as the movie went on. To be fair, though, I've always been a fan. Aladdin himself was largely auto-tuned as well, and not a great actor. Jasmine definitely stood out as an actor, and was the best singer as well. The special effects widely varied from strange looking and odd to dazzling and incredible depending on which scene or song you were taking part in. It's hard to describe, but at certain points the speed of the actors varied, like they were sped up in some parts to better match their lips with the music? I think you'll notice it when you see it. Many parts of the movie felt and looked more like a really well done YouTube video than a multi-million dollar Disney summer blockbuster. The additional songs sung by Jasmine about female empowerment, though not my favorite musically, send a good message and seemed to resonate with some of the more vocal kids in the audience. All in all it's not a masterpiece, but I had a good time and will likely watch it again at some point.
Pokémon: Detective Pikachu (2019)
As a die hard original Pokémon fan, this was pretty fantastic.
As was the case for millions of Detective Pikachu's viewers, I grew up with Pokemon. The cards made their way to my small southern town in late 1998 and from then on I would forever be a fan. I collected them all and have played thousands of hours of Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow over the last two decades. Being somewhat of a purist, I was hesitant to watch this movie. After all, the only other Pokémon movie that I've seen (and in theaters) was Pokémon: The First Movie in 1999. All of this just to say, I absolutely loves this movie. I definitely think that was due in part to having low expectations all across the board. I like Ryan Reynolds and have been a fan for years, but I felt he was kind of shoe-horned in to this roll. With Ryan Reynolds, we all know what we're getting--smarmy and hilarious often beautifully disgusting dialogue with almost wholesome shock value, if such a thing exists. I didn't think that would play well with this character, franchise, or movie in general, but I was proven wrong. I genuinely can't remember the last movie that had me smiling through so much of it. My cheeks genuinely hurt by the end of the movie, but that was a complaint I didn't mind having. Most of the Pokémon that were featured heavily were from the first generation, which was definitely exciting to me and my friends. Overall if you're a Pokémon fan with a sense of humor I think you'll really enjoy this film.
Shutter Island (2010)
A layer cake of twists, turns and excellent film making.
From the opening shot of Shutter Island, you can tell it's going to be a very special film. A genre that was once extremely popular, noire style mysteries have made their way out of the spot light. It's the exact kind of well executed period film I've come to expect from director Martin Scorsese. I have seen this film four times over the last nine years, and as is the case with many "twist" movies, you catch something new on every single watch-through. This illustrates one of my favorite features of this film, the fact that you're distracted from what you believe will be the twist. I experienced it my first time through--you're so busy looking for what's happening that you miss what isn't. I remember thinking how laughable Mark Ruffalo's performance as a 1950's US Marshall was. "I can't believe they picked this guy." I remember saying to my father as we watched in the theater. Every word out of his mouth was overacted and lacked real conviction. Over the course of the movie he eased in to it a bit and became less ridiculous, but I was still annoyed by that detail--until the end of the movie. I mean, what a perfect direction choice. Ruffalo's character Dr. Sheehan isn't a Marshall, and he's certainly not an actor. He's just doing the best he can based on what was on TV and in movies at the time. I love this detail, and feel it's often overlooked. Many cinematography choices and small details they chose to include perfectly add to the unhinged dreamlike reality of Teddy's that we are being told this story through. Regarding the ending, there is a lot to unpack. When it first came out we all debated his ending sanity. Maybe he as still crazy, or maybe he just didn't want to "live as a monster." Over the years it's become more and more apparent that there is no room for debate; he walks to his lobotomy fully sane and aware of his past actions. His memory is a curse, and he would rather it be gone completely and lose himself all together than have to live with the violent and sordid fate of his family. This is an expertly crafted movie that I feel like is sometimes harshly judged because people fail to see that the twist they "saw coming" isn't really the purpose of the movie, there's something much deeper here.
Malcolm in the Middle (2000)
Thoroughly under rated and extremely relatable.
What can be said about a twenty year old sitcom that hasn't been said already? This show debuted on Sunday January 9th, 2000 when I was in third grade. I had never seen a television show that not only starred the "bad family" in the neighborhood, but made them protagonists. Having grown up in a very loving but flawed lower middle class family constantly struggling to scrape by, this show really hit home for me growing up. Every episode is as cleverly written as it is genuinely hilarious and strangely wholesome. Malcolm in the Middle is a perfect representation of early 2000's television, and will remain a gem that stands the test of time. It's absolutely worth a full watch through on steaming services. If you're a fan of shows like Arrested Development, That 70s Show and Friends, I think you'll be a fan.
Venom (2018)
As a lifelong Venom fan, this movie was a huge disappointment.
Most people that saw "Venom" also saw the trailer, so we knew exactly what we were walking in to see. That is, a poorly thought out cash grab that doesn't follow the rich lore available to it. The trailer definitely displayed early the lack of originality in script or conviction in delivery. It looked wholly generic, and overall cringe inducing. "Spiderman The Animated Series" instilled a life long love of the anti-hero Venom in me from the time that I was four years old, so needless to say this movie could have been a dream come true. All of this build up just to say that the movie was pretty horrendous. I'm usually a fan of Tom Hardy and Michelle Williams as actors, but they both really phoned in this performance for what I'm sure was gobs of money. The villain portrayed by actor Riz Ahmed is laughably bad, and maybe the worst performer among the bunch. The final fight is eight minutes of extreme CGI featuring a battle between two extremely similar looking creatures, so you're left watching rapid close ups and quick cutaways of a battle that is very hard to follow on the big screen. All of this aside, it was still fun to see Venom destroying everyone and everything in his path. Those brief moments of thrilling comic violence are representative of the entire 5/10 stars that I would rate this movie.
Split (2016)
Two hours and nine minutes that I'll never get back.
It's really my own fault that I gave this a chance. I watched "Unbreakable" in theaters years ago and hadn't revisited it until this year. It held up. In fact, it's almost the best in a long chain of mostly terrible M. Night Shyamalan movies, second only to "The Sixth Sense." I thought "Unbreakable" was original and fun and exciting, but it was 19 years ago. Then "Split" came along, and it wasn't terrible in my opinion. It was far fetched and silly but McAvoy's acting was entertaining enough to carry the movie, though the ending was very silly and took away from the rest of the film. We've all been conditioned to expect a twist at the end of these movies, and I truly wasn't expecting "Split" to reveal that it was in the same universe as "Unbreakable." It was genuinely surprising, though still very silly. So I figured, "okay I need to finish this trilogy to at least see the outcome." I don't know if I've ever seen a movie that expected less of the audience. I truly felt like the film maker thought I was stupid, that's how heavy handed and miserable this movie was to me. There were so many instances in which I couldn't even believe the dialogue written for these characters. Half of the lines spoken had my head in my palm from the physical pain from cringing so hard. The plot line barely makes sense. The "twist" is something so obvious that I thought it was just a plot point the audience was supposed to already know. James McAvoy changes personalities so frequently at some points that it plays like the hilarious scene in "The Mask" in which Jim Carrey is playfully shot and accepts the academy award. Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis really phoned this one in, and I would believe they shot all of their scenes in one afternoon just after eating a hot sandwich and warm glass of milk. Even the "Easter eggs" are thrown in your face. You can't watch the movie without catching the ham fisted allusions to Marvel and DC in newspaper headlines, or Shyamalan's ridiculous cameo. All in all, I love bad D class movies, but this wasn't even "so bad it's good." It was just terrible.
PS - They felt it necessary to include three shots of James McAvoy (The Beast) running across a lawn on all fours like a rhino, but it only served to slow his running pace and look absolutely ridiculous. I mean, my mouth was agape at that point. What were they thinking?
Us (2019)
I wanted so badly for it to be good. Throws reason to the wind.
I was extremely excited for "Us" which probably made it much worse for me when my expectations didn't pay off. There are some really great things about this movie, but ultimately you're left with a half-thought-out ending that only makes sense and fits correctly if you reaaaaaally force it to. I felt that the cinematography, music score and acting was overall good. Nothing astounding, but it kept me immersed and entertained. I love that it took place in Santa Cruz, where I grew up. I loved the Boardwalk being so heavily featured, it was really cool to see. These are all of the positive things I can say.
Massive spoilers ahead: The rules and physics of this world strictly don't make sense. Okay, so there is a copy of all of these people in a basement in Santa Cruz, that were created to try and control their counterparts on the surface. These copies are just mindlessly controlled and have to do what their counterparts are doing on the surface. We see tons of examples of this, they are bound by the actions of those above. How did the girl get out and up the escalator in the first place? Even if you're willing to get past that, how did the clones all have enough control to obtain millions of pairs of scissors and make custom red outfits? They explicitly made these materials-HOW!? Why can they suddenly leave the basement? Why were counterparts created of random inconsequential people that don't even live near Santa Cruz? Why would they have made millions of these failed experimental clones when they would have learned from one test subject that the mind control didn't work? And most ridiculous of all, why do they have to eat raw rabbits? What a stupid "scary" detail thrown in to the mix just because. Yes rabbits reproduce quickly, but there's no reason they have to eat raw screaming bloody rabbits at all, other than "this is a horror movie, spoooooky!"
Before you get uppity claiming "you missed the symbolism! It's not about that!" No I didn't, and yes it is. Yes, I get that a group of people that we marginalize and that we view below us as a society doesn't have the same chance for success as many others, and yes I understand that when on the surface and given a chance those same people can succeed. The message is all fine and good, but it's so hamfisted and shoved in your face that Jordan Peele forgot to make the rest of the movie make sense. Overall this movie was a great build up for 25 minutes followed by an hour and a half of nonsense, but I was entertained most of the time. The ending, again, is just so ridiculous and left so many plot holes that I can't enjoy it all that much.
Welcome to Marwen (2018)
A thoroughly entertaining movie that was torn apart.
The very first time I heard about this movie, it was a from a friend of mine telling me that he had heard it was terrible. Since then, I've heard a number of people claim they heard the reviews were terrible, without having seen the film themselves. This happens all too often, and word of mouth keeps people from watching a lot of decent films. The majority of bad reviews I've read for "Welcome to Marwen" were pretty cynical and had a lot of superficial complaints, but that's not to say they didn't make some good points as well. If you're familiar with Robert Zemeckis and are a fan of his work, odds are you will find this on brand, original and entertaining. Yes it definitely has it's cheesy moments, and the symbolism is very ham fisted. At points I felt like yelling "YES okay I get it!" But overall I was very pleased with the immersive settings, pretty good acting, and hyper-violent doll fights. I genuinely felt for the main character and was very entertained throughout. By the end of the movie I wanted to learn more about the Mark Hogancamp and his work. In summary, if you're looking for a fun touching semi-schmaltzy movie, this fits the bill.
Lord of the Vampires (2002)
These reviews are pretty hilarious and fake.
I feel like the oddly glowing reviews for this movie were definitely written by cast, crew, or members of the band that was featured in this movie. Make no mistake, this is one of the worst movies ever made. In that aspect, it's incredible. If you're a fan of D or even F class horror movies that also moonlight as soft core porn, this is one of the many treats that can be found on Amazon Prime. It's shot on what I can only assume was a mini DV handicam and the audio is so garbled and wrecked that all you can hear is the very silly music. Again, I loved it.
Happy Death Day 2 U (2019)
A two hour College Humor skit
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting an Art house film, but this is next level bad. Yes, I watched and enjoyed the first one for what it was. It was fun, cheeky and semi-original, even though it relied on some tropes. Throw all of that out the window. HDD:2U is one gigantic miserable trope all the way through. I still enjoyed it on the level of being so incredibly bad it was fun, but I can't explain how many times I groaned. Some things they were able to shoehorn in to this sequel with NO real need to:
A montage to bad music of "fun" cheeky suicides, a multiverse clone that never gets brought back up, "she's the girl next door and I'm jealous" situations, and last but not least the wholly overused "sometimes you've just got to take a leap of faith." Overall, HDD2U was just uninventive, under-examined and overdone but still fun for bad flicks kicks.
Swiss Army Man (2016)
The most fiercely original and provoking movie I've seen in years.
Swiss Army Man is such an unbelievably special film. From the cinematography to the immensely unique and enjoyable original sound track by Andy Hull & Robert McDowell. The film tears at what makes all of us most human, our fear of dying, of being alone. No matter what your stance on this movie is, you would absolutely lying if you said it was unoriginal. It was such a wonderful break from the wildly played out remakes and reboots plaguing the current generation of movie goers. If you're looking for an honest, heartwarming, hilarious, depressing/uplifting film, look no further.
Murder on the Orient Express (2017)
Beautifully shot, a solid adaptation.
The acting was, in most cases, superb. The cinematography was beautiful, and if you like a good mystery (even if you've already read the book) this will keep you on your toes.