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Reviews
Dungeons & Dragons (2000)
This movie hurt me. A LOT.
Ugh. Just...ugh. I don't even know where to start.
If I was twelve years old, I might've enjoyed this movie. I might not have noticed the most infantile dialogue to profane the screen in years, the props and set design not worthy of a middle-school play, the "follow-the-trail-of-cliches" plot and simply atrocious acting. Most of the main heroes (although really, the audience should claim that title for surviving this piece of trash) are unknowns, and deservedly so. Wayans was irritating beyond all known human comprehension as a thief who, were he to exist in the real world, would stand less chance of stealing the proverbial candy from the baby than a leper with no hands or feet. And then there's poor Thora Birch in what looks to be a role ripped straight from Amidala in Phantom Menace (and written with even less charm, if that's possible), almost as thrilling to watch as petrifying wood, and Jeremy Irons, who skips chewing and goes right to inhaling great gobs of scenery.
Complete and utter garbage. What this says about Hollywood's impression of fantasy fans is thoroughly disheartening. Thank god Peter Jackson did a good job with LOTR, or otherwise this stinker would've put the genre on ice for at least a good ten years.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Trainwreck cinema
I imagine by now everything that can be said about this particular turd has been said. So I'll just agree that, yes, it's as bad as you've heard and it deserved every damn Golden Raspberry it got. Yes, half the scenes seem to inexplicably have the camera tiled at 45 degrees. Yes, cavemen learn to fly fighter jets in a matter of days, with "pieca cake" as their rallying cry. Yes, this movie contains the lamest alien makeup ever caught on film--rubber masks bought at Toys 'R Us would've been more impressive.
And yes, John Travolta's still agitating for a sequel, poor deluded fellow
Interestingly, when you run an IMDB search for "Battlefield Earth" two entries come up. The second is slated for 2003. Is some poor fool trying to make a TV series out of this? If so, I wish them better luck than this attempt.
The only reason I give this a 2 out of ten is because it's not Manos. Really, that's the only good thing that can be said about it. That and maybe it turned a few people away from Scientology, and that's always a good thing.
Cruel Intentions (1999)
Not as satirical as it thinks it is...
...mostly it's just perverse. The main characters are all pretty, spoiled rich kids who spend all their time having sex with other pretty spoiled rich kids and plotting to ruin lives.
This is not the planet most of us live on.
The filmmakers' probably wanted to make some sort of statement about the aimless apathy of upper-class youth, but it mainly gets drowned out by bland acting and overwrought dialogue (no teenagers talk like those in this movie--many of the lines sound ready for daytime television). Most of what's left is composed of shallow attempts to titilate the audience with scenes of hot up-and-coming stars flirting in the most cliched and utilitarian of manners. The movie's sole redeeming feature is the presence of the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" on the soundtrack.
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)
The best bad movie ever made
I can't in good conscience choose a number rating for this movie. Yes, it's completely inept on every level, but it's certainly not the worst move of all time, as it is frequently labeled. Hollywood produces dozens of truly godawful movies a year, most of which have hundreds of times the production resources of this...and yet, Ed Wood is so bloody charming in his clumsiness. Honestly, this movie is funnier to watch than most of the lowest-common-denominator driven comedies the studios churn out every year. Never mind that none of the laughs are intentional. This is a movie made by a man who wanted nothing more in his life than to make movies, and refused to let some little obstacle like the fact that his movies were the textbook examples of how NOT to make a film stop him.
Is it inept? Oh yeah. Does it have the most awkward dialogue put on film? Almost certainly. Do actors forget their lines? Oh lordy yes.
But is it the worst movie ever? No. It's just too damn earnest to hate. Give it a shot sometime when you need a good laugh.
Favorite moment of unintentional humor: after Bela Lugosi's character gets run over by a car offscreen, the viewer can clearly see the shadow of him standing on the edge of the screen. Oh wait! Then there's the overweight zombie who needs a push to get out of his coffin! And the part where bullets don't stop the walking corpse, but a good manly slug to the jaw takes 'em out in one blow, and...
Shôjo kakumei Utena: Adolescence mokushiroku (1999)
It was a mistake to think you're the only one who could turn into a car--now I'm a car too!
Consider yourself warned that this movie operates on the assumption that viewers are familiar with the TV series. If you aren't already aware of the relationships between the characters (as I'm not) you're outta luck, because very little of it is explained here. And from what I've heard, things are a bit murky even then.
What makes this movie great is that it really doesn't matter. Utena is a visual smorgasborg--the backgrounds alone warrant it a high rating, impossibly lush and frequently reminiscent of art nouveau. The characters are equally wonderfully drawn. Visually, it's brilliant; the floating castle that seems to constantly rearrange itself is an astonishing feat of fantastical architecture. All in all I'd have to say this is the most gorgeous animation I've ever seen.
As for the plot...I've seen this three times now and still don't entirely get it. I have some vague theories about what's going on and why, but without the series' background I can't verify anything. The movie operates on a very surreal, symbolic level--and it's full of the eccentricities of anime, as well (not that that's a bad thing, just different--a giant car wash machine that rises out of a field of roses figures prominently in a later scene). If you go into this expecting cut-and-dry western cinema (doubtful, as by and large I expect only anime junkies would even hear of it), you're up the creek without a paddle. Even granted the contextual uncertainty, though, there is clearly a resolution. What it means is certainly debatable, but the point is that there IS a narrative here discernible in the end, if that actually matters. In this case, I don't think it does. The movie exists in its own world and can't be expected to always adhere to our rules.
Utena is awe-inspiring in its visual beauty and imagination. As a would-be fantasy writer myself I found my mind spinning off on dozens of tangents after watching it. And for one work of art to inspire another to create is perhaps the highest recommendation there is.
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)
What the bloody 'ell?
How do things like this happen? It looks like someone was trying to make a kids' movie. Actually, it's more likely they were just trying to make a buck. The sprightly old magician teaches the modern world how to believe again kinda crap, you know? Which is bad enough on its own, but here even that cliched concept crashes and burns. If Merlin's supposed to be helping people, then why is it that the only thing he makes happen are the violent deaths of household pets? Oh, that wacky old wizard, turning skeptical journalists into children so their infertile girlfriends can raise them in what's destined to be one majorly F'ed up Oedipal relationship! Honestly, this is one the most sadistic and mean-spirited "children's" movies I've ever seen.
There is at least a bit of humor in the production values. The director looks to have cannibalized an earlier movie to make some of the cut-scenes. 80's film-stock, hair and E.T. posters clash scene by scene with 90's cinematography and actors who whose inability to interact with their 80's counterparts is painfully obvious. And an old wizard walking around asking women if they've seen his monkey. Right, I'm sure you're really looking for a lost toy, dude...However, most of the unintentional humor is offset by seeing an Oscar-winning actor forced to resort to playing demeaning stereotypes of the elderly for what, judging by the rest of the production, must've been minimum wage.
Mike and the Bots were right on target when they ripped this thing apart on MST3K.
Star Trek: Generations (1994)
Not the best Trek, but certainly not the worst
Alright, admittedly this one's got a lot of problems, but it's still leagues ahead of Insurrection and the abominable Shatner-directed Final Frontier.
"Generations" often has a rather rushed, slapped-together feel about it. The uniforms don't match. Because of sloppy editing, references are made to scenes that didn't make the final cut. And there are innumerable plot holes and inconsistencies: why does Sorin need to go to such extravagant lengths to get into the Ribbon (beyond the producers' desire for plot contrivances, that is)? Picard says he can't fly into it, but that seemed to be working pretty well in the intro. So what if the ship got destroyed? Sorin was in the process of entering the Ribbon when he was beamed out, right?
Stuff like this is all over the place, but you know what? I don't care. Shut your brain off for a couple hours and it makes for pretty decent B-movie entertainment. Picard and Data are great as always, and the rest of the cast is...the rest of the cast, I guess. The crew does pretty much what Next Generation viewers are used to them doing, which I guess is good or bad depending on how you look at it. But you've got Malcolm McDowell at his most Malcolm McDowell-ish as the antagonist, and that's really all the villain any movie needs.
Yeah, the even-numbered Treks all have this one beat, and so do the Motion Picture and Search for Spock, but I find its clumsiness strangely endearing for some reason. And hey, it's not Phantom Menace. and that's always a good thing.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Worst. Movie. Ever.
Forget Battlefield Earth. Forget Ishtar. Even Plan 9 From Outer Space managed to be at least humorously inept. Manos is just pure pain. If you watch this without MST3K commentary, you will DIE. I mean, you know it's bad when even the 'Bots have trouble finding things to say. And what the hell did those teenagers making out have to do with the lost family? I mean...arrgh...The only thing of redeeming value was Torgo's ridiculous four-note theme song. What other movie can claim it drove three of its "stars" to suicide?
Hal Warren will burn forever for this abomination.
Taken (2002)
Weaknesses outweigh its virtues
There are worse ways to spend your time than by watching "Taken," but on the whole you're really not missing much by skipping it. While alien abductions alone aren't a novel concept, "Taken" looks at how alien visitations effect three different families in vastly different ways. It's an ambitious concept, and it could've been interesting, but the series spends too much time on pointless plot contrivances and far too little on the psychological ramifications of the titular event.
There are only two real standouts in the acting department. Joel Gretsch makes a commendably loathsome villain as despicable and manipulative army officer Owen Crawford, and Matt Frewer is a riot to watch as a flippant and insubordinate scientist. However, the former is out of the show after episode four and Frewer, while certainly entertaining (he seems to be one of the few people associated with the series who exhibits a functioning sense of humor) contrasts wildly with the rest of the cast.
Of course, the real problem is the script. Many of the actors simply don't have much to work with. This is the series' crucial flaw--it repeatedly subjugates character development and realism for plot purposes. The first half of the series jumps about in time through a fifty-year period, while the bloated second half occurs over a matter of days. The effect this produces is that long periods of the past that should give us insight about what shaped the way several central characters think and act are skipped over. One moment they're children, the next they're adults and we're expected to accept whatever they do without wondering what, exactly, motivates them.
This is most annoying in the Crawford family, when the third generation character, Mary, takes over the government project Owen started. We know little about Mary, and we certainly have no reason to believe she would accept this position (especially given that she despises her father). The scriptwriters seem to take it for granted that people are genetically inclined to follow in their parents' mistakes. Which would be fine if they made an issue of that concept, but they don't. It's a narrative convenience, and a bloody annoying one at that.
4/10 for the few bright spots and its inherent, if unrealized, ambition.
Vice Academy (1989)
Dear god make it stop...
Somebody kill Rick Sloane. NOW.
Last year some friends and I, on a trip to Blockbuster looking for a good B-movie to laugh at, stumbled upon this steaming pile of excrement and rented it, completely unaware of the torture that lay in store for us. It looked inept enough from the cover to be amusing in an MST3K sort of way. But we were deceived. It's this B-movie junkie's personal Vietnam, or at least the Bay of Pigs. I don't drink, but good lord did I want to by the end of this turd. 80's hair, even worse 80's music, cringe-worthy dialogue and acting so bad it wraps around into the realm of anti-acting. This isn't funny awful. It's just awful, and almost as painful as Manos. Avoid at all costs.