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The Fall Guy (2024)
Woefully boring with a tedious unfunny script.
Considering this is supposed to be broadly funny, it's remarkable that I didn't so much as smirk weakly ONCE in the entire terrible film. There are more laughs in Schindler's List. Anybody over the age of nine should not be entertained by shiny noisy cars doing doughnuts, or slow motion petrol explosions. Yet, staggeringly, a group of adults decided to make a whole film based entirely on them. "But it's a RomCom!" someone might argue, but if anybody can find a single remotely witty or amusing moment amid this dross then I feel genuinely sorry for them. If you like this film, save yourself the rental on other similar slices of rubbish and go and watch F1 crash compilations on Youtube while removing one of your molars with a spoon.
What Jennifer Did (2024)
What a spectacularly stupid title for a crime mystery
What a spectacularly stupid title for a crime mystery - so stupid that the usual (understandable) concern of IMDb to avoid spoilers is surely not applicable in this instance.
The title and ensuing structure of the documentary means that there is zero surprise, zero suspense, zero reason to keep watching. I can't think of any comparable case of self-inflicted spoiler which absolutly blows the opportunity to tell an amazing story in such a clumsy manner.
The video of Jennifer's police interviews were originally the subject of an excellent Youtube documentary by JCS - Criminal Psychology, first published three years earlier. That was titled "Jennifer's Solution" - which is not really a spoiler because, on that channel, all of the cases are of interviews with suspects who turn out to be guilty.
I'll click "Yes" for the "Does this review contain spoilers?" question but, as already explained, this is surely superfluous for this dumb documentary!
The Book Thief (2013)
Dismal tosh from Downton Abbey writer
If you're writing TV drama for the typical ITV viewer (e.g. Somebody who typically doesn't read much, didn't do very well at school etc.) then it's a key skill to be able to dumb all dialogue and characters down to be so childishly one-dimensional, uncomplex, and cliched so that even the thickest audience will be able to follow it. This kind of script-writing, the literary equivalent of speaking very slowly to an idiot, does, however, make for an extremely tedious 2-hour film. If I see one more twee one-dimensional British film STILL choosing the Third Reich as a topic, I think I might go on my own personal Kristallnacht and bookburning, except I'll be smashing my own TV screen and burning every copy of "The World of Downton Abbey" in WH Smith and ASDA. But if you're not very bright and know nothing about Germany in the 1930s you might very well love this film. What was Geoffrey Rush thinking?
Maestro (2023)
Had to stop watching after half an hour - just too boring.
It's rare that I don't manage to see a film through, especially one that was nominated for awards but this was just agonisingly dull. Nothing happened within the first half hour to engage the audience or to give them any reason to connect with the characters. It seemed a self-indulgent exercise where any attempt to provide an interesting/exciting story was sacrificed for the sake of "actors doing some award-winning acting". Why would we care about any of these protagonists? As a script writer, you should surely realise when the first 30 minutes can be accurately summarised in two words "they meet". What a massive waste of time and such a disappointment.
Pride (2014)
Another decent British film ruined by terrible incidental music
There are some superb performances in this film - Bill Nighy, Paddy Considine, Andrew Scott - as one would expect. However, like countless other British films of this genre, it's ruined either by silly twee scenes (e.g. Old Welsh ladies enjoying a pint in a Soho fetish club with gay men in leather caps) or by appalling incidental music.
The latter is either terrible guitar 80's-session-musician-twiddling rubbish (serving no purpose whatsoever and notably absent from French cinema etc), or it's wipe-a-tear-away "rousing" orchestral sweeps. In several scenes, there's a weird phenomena peculiar to this kind of British film, where a character's dialogue is actually drowned out by the music, leaving the camera on them shouting/laughing/screaming mutely while we, the audience, are presumably supposed to be moved to tears or whatever. Instead, it's usually cringe-inducingly mawkish.
It doesn't have to be this way - Submarine, directed by Richard Ayoade, managed to be both hilarious and moving, without a single note of terrible jangly major chord 80s Stratocaster noodling.
Pig (2021)
A "profound" film for people who think they're brighter than others
I would love to watch a film about a recluse who lives in remote woods with a pig with whom he finds truffles. He washes his face in the river, he fries some mushrooms and shares them with his beloved pig. Occasionally a city guy comes in his shiny car and brings some supplies in exchange for the truffles. It could have been a lovely film, and Cage could have shown what a great actor he is without any ludicrous plot ruining things.
I can't be bothered to even begin explaining how stupid the actual plot is - the zenith (nadir?) is probably the hidden fightclub in the basement of an abandoned hotel, where people are punched in the face for...er...for some reason or other.
I've read a worrying number of reviews that use the word "profound" to describe this film. What they mean is "I didn't really understand what it all meant". When a film makes no sense there are two options: 1) it is extremely subtle and you need to watch it again to gain fresh insights into its complexities 2) the film is yet another Emperor's New Clothes fraud, where incoherence and pretentious nonsense is passed off as "profound". The simple fact that being a chef is, with a straight face, presented as being some kind of messianic.calling, plus the aforementioned hidden fightclub nonsense, should ring alarm bells that this film is clearly Option 2.
With no substance and meaning, the film resorts to desparation - the death of the pig is heartbreaking and a kind of dramatic cheating. Killing a beloved pet is a lazy replacement for actually creating proper drama through good writing and a meaningful plot.
A pity and a waste - I'd have happily watched 2 hours of Cage cooking mushrooms in the woods (and that film would have been a heck of a lot closer to being "profound").
Babylon (2022)
If the writer/director can't provide any reason to keep watching after 15 minutes...
...then I'm not going to bother. Irritatingly "quirky" opening scene of a truck struggling to drive up a hill with an elephant on the back (why don't they just get the elephant to walk up the hill) seems to be put there solely to have the elephant defecate all over some guys head. "Oooh gross!"
Yet this opening scene stands as some perfect metaphor for this utter waste of time - a struggle, a torrent of effluent, and all making no sense and serving no purpose.
Next up there's some debauched party going on - lots of naked fat people and black jazz musicians ("oooh how edgy!") then some dislikable people speak rudely to each other (yawn) and a dwarf on a stage masturbates a giant fake penis to ejaculate over a crowd of partying flappers ("Oooh how edgy!") look at the clock! We're 15 minutes in and there's still no character introduced that you care about or are interested in, still nothing has happened to make you want to watch more. Instead it's like watching a 15-year-old boy's idea of what would constitute "visually interesting" - try-hard "shock" which is actually too boring for words and not a single reason to keep watching.
Don't waste your time on this (literal) steaming pile of elephant dung.
The Whale (2022)
An interesting film but tries too hard to be moving (and thus isn't)
Despite obviously being a one-scene play adapted for cinema, the film is actually pretty engaging and quite well acted. The script is mostly good and avoids most cinematic cliches - the subject matter is certainly original. The problem with the play/film is that it's not really saying anything very interesting. Its raison d'etre is to win an Oscar with its "incredibly moving story". The final half an hour really knuckles down to get this done - every character cries, the orchestral strings sweep in an almost frenzied attempt to create "a moving scene". But good films - truly moving films - don't do this. The moment that the housekeeper asks to see what the butler is reading in Remains of The Day, the moment that Withnail swigs from a bottle while standing in the rain looking at the wolves in London zoo, the moment that Fredo goes out on the lake in the little rowing boat - these are all truly overwhelmingly moving moments. None of them feature anybody crying, none of them employ ludicrous levels of "sad" strings; instead they rely on the audience's genuine engagement with characters and the story. Of course America lapped up The Whale's subtle-as-a-brick level of cheesy sentiment and gave it the Oscar it had been written to attain. So predictable - but kudos to the writer at least for not using the Holocaust or slavery to do it.
The Wonder (2022)
Nicely shot but no substance and cringe-inducing "4th Wall Break"
This otherwise fairly enjoyable and interesting film was seriously damaged by whichever idiot thought that the opening scene and ensuing "4th Wall breaking" would someone add something. It doesn't, it so really doesn't. It's like something a 6th former would add to their school play and think they were being ground-shakingly edgey. Instead, it just makes the viewer want to scream with embarrassment and bite their fist.
The actual film is FINE. However, it really doesn't amount to very much other than some nice bleak shots of Ireland. There's another burning peat-roofed hut a la Banshees of Inisherin, which seems to be de rigour for any modern film about The Emerald Isle, along with the populace being a bit backward and thick. To compensate for the lack of story, every camera shot which should have been cut in the edit from 5 seconds to 1 or 2 has been left full length. Lingering shots of actors staring at each other/the fire/the hills/their breakfast = profound meaning. Plenty of viewers will be suckered into falling for this simple ploy.
Nobody (2021)
Immensely stupid puerile nonsense (perfect for teenage boys)
It actually begins really well - the first 10-15 minutes are intriguing and genuinely different and orginal. However, by half-way through, the writers have clearly run completely out of ideas and the last half is just an endless tedious stream of every action movie cliche you can imagine - bang bang bang bang go the endless machine guns, boom boom boom go the endless petrol explosions, crash crash crash go all the endless car chase nonsense. I stopped watching and started reading a book - I didn't want to waste any more of my life on this dismal tired formulaic pile of utter excrement. What on earth was Bob thinking? His acting ability is still evident, even within this utter turkey, but he deserves much better vehicles in which to display it.
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)
Imbecilic film for imbecilic people
The big question is: how are films like this for? Like Deadpool, it's clearly not for children - the levels of violence and profanity make that quite clear. Therefore, the only remaining conclusion is that, these kind of ultra-slick, ultra-violent films - punch punch CGI kick bang bang car chase punch punch CGI kick bang bang explosion car chase bang punch headbutt (Bond-like quip) - with their child-like, non-sensical "plots" are, bafflingly and depressingly, intended for an adult audience. I feel sorry for anybody out of their teens who somehow confuses this kind of "ooh flashing lights are exciting" tripe with entertainment.
Cold Skin (2017)
Silly film - perhaps entertaining if you're twelve but a waste of any adult's time
This reminds me of something written by a 14-yr old who'd read HG Wellls' The Time Machine and then been told by teacher to write a story. The plot, as it is, is plain daft. It would probably be exciting for any kid aged 10-14 yet the adult nature of some scenes and gore would suggest that this wasn't intended as a children's film. But I suppose that's no different to all the superhero films made in recent years that are so filled with profanity and violence that they can't possibly be aimed at a child (yet the dumb and silly storylines are surely not for any grown up with a brain?). It seems to think it's profound, yet also goes for the zombie shoot-em-up and, predictably, fails to achieve either.
The film begins with a scene on a boat and we're told it's 1914. Somebody then lights a cigarette with a zippo lighter (first manufactured in 1933) and that sets us up nicely for what to expect from the rest of this dismal little film in terms of making an effort. A complete waste of 1hr 45mins - luckily, I got some admin done at the same time, so it wasn't an evening entirely squandered.
True History of the Kelly Gang (2019)
Starts well but drifts into nonsense
As many other reviewers have said, the first half of this film is engaging, well-acted and seems to be a fairly realistic depiction of the hardships of 1850s settlers in Australia. The second half, however, is a mess - it seems as if the scriptwriters had difficulty deciding if they should keep true to the know facts of Ned Kelly, keep true to Peter Carey's brilliant novel, or try to do something surreal, wild and original. This quandary results in none of those three approaches being done well and, by the end, it feels as if even the director has given up on it. A real pity - the split between good film to bad film can be drawn pretty much when the actor playing young Ned - Orlando Schwerdt - is replaced by the actor playing older Ned - George Mackay. This is not Mackay's fault, it is just that only then does the film come off the rails in terms of being a believable depiction of mid-Victorian Australia (e.g. Respectable folk watching what looks like UFC in a drawing room). A pity and a waste.
Journey's End (2017)
Almost perfect
This is a superb film and it's very difficult to imagine how it could have been improved. The acting performances are first rate, especially of Sam Claflin and Paul Bettany who should have won awards for their quite brilliant (and different) portrayals of men on the edge of nervous collapse. The film is also exquisite in its reproduction of life in the dugouts on the Western Front, and feels utterly authentic (unlike lauded rubbish such as Dunkirk).
The reason I did not give this 10 stars is because, compared to the masterpiece Regeneration, this WWI movie is comparatively one-dimensional. We already know of the horrors, we already know of the unbearable strain, and the filth and the futility - and this is not, in all honesty, showing much more than that.
Blue Story (2019)
Good acting performances but the rapping narrator doesn't work
This was an enjoyable film that avoided some plot cliches (i.e. Did NOT see some things coming) but was probably still a bit one dimensional in what life on a south London estate is like. There were, however, really solid performances from the main actors and the dialogue seems (to me, a 52yr old white man) authentic and natural. Without my personal experience of kids from this generation I can imagine it would have been difficult to follow some of what was going on - i.e. Without knowing what peng, bare, allow it, wagwan etc all mean, much of the dialogue would have been impenetrable. I expect a non-British audience would benefit from subtitles and a translation.
The standout original feature of this film is the sporadic appearance throughout of Rapman who raps a kind of commentary of the scenes you've just watched. Although an interesting device, it often detracts by being a dumbed down explanation of the drama's nuances. For example, when we hear a gunshot off camera, we the audience are able to surmise what has just happened. But then Rapman appears and, in his daft little rhyming couplet summary, spells out what just happened as if for the really slow kids watching. It reminds me of the translators for foreign films in Poland during the Cold War period. Rather than translate what the different actors were saying, a single translator would just summarise in their own words the gist of what the conversation had been "She then said she didn't like him" etc. Rapman's interjections are almost as damaging to the flow of the drama and to the the relationship between the film and the audience.
Ad Astra (2019)
The biggest Black Hole is the plot
Pointing out scientific/technical "goof" for Ad Astra is like pointing out errors in A Bug's Life in terms of actual invertebrate behaviour. The whole approach to having a plot that makes sense is "yeah, but who cares? Doesn't Brad look great swimming through this water, driving this moon buggy, hanging on this ladder?" The concept of meaningful plot that will repay the viewer who concentrates and tries to follow it is completely abandoned in favour of cinematography. What Tommy Lee Jones is doing in this film is almost as mysterious as the plot, but not as mysterious as his character's motives or actions. Both these actors should be doing something better with their talents.
The Hurt Locker (2008)
The most forgettable film ever to win Best Picture.
Two or three weeks after watching it, I couldn't tell you a single detail from this utterly forgettable film. There have been dozens of films made every year for the past 60 years that weren't even NOMINATED for an Oscar but were better films than this.
It was find. It was not terrible. But how was it even nominated? Bizarre. Was the desperation to give an Oscar to a female director so great?
The Aftermath (2019)
Dismal revisionism where the poor sensitive Germans are ruled by the brutish Brits
Joseph Goebbels would have given this kind of subtle-as-a-brick propaganda 10 stars. It's so one-dimensional and hackneyed, it's hard to believe the likes of Ridley Scott would have given such dreadful writing his backing, or such phenomenal acting talent would have agreed to spout such cringe-inducing lines. Every German is a poor innocent soul bullied and downtrodden by the ignorant crass British occupiers. A steady flow of revisionist lines about poor Hamburg being bombed into oblivion "not the same as London" at all - and the world gets out its tiniest violin. Luckily, and bizarrely, this was not written by Germans and it is almost certain that every German viewer would be as embarrassed and appalled at this attempt to portray the old lie that Nazism was just a "noisy minority". I stopped watching after 35 minutes - but that is still far too long for anyone with a post-GSCE level of history (screenwriters Joe Shrapnel and
Anna Waterhouse, looking at you) to stomach. Laughably dreadful.
Swimming with Men (2018)
Trying to be Full Monty, sinks like a stone
I watched a lot of this through my fingers - a real cringe-fest of every cliche of that horrific phenomena: the "British Light Comedy". The Full Monty and Brassed Off were backed by some genuinely touching moments and insight into social issues. Swimming with Men tries to copy the same tired formula (group of blokes, try and do something together, obligatory ONE "strong" woman, montage to push the plot along) but just keeping the cheesy humour and dropping any real attempt at believable characterisation. What a waste of some very good actors.
Your Move (2017)
A cringe-inducing turkey (as bad as you would expect)
Obviously when you have someone who combines a cringe-inducing lack of self-awareness with a gaping void where creative talent should lie (as in the case of Luke Goss) then you're not going to expect much from a vanity project such as this. But, in fact, this movie is surprising. It's even worse than you would naturally have expected. The only thing of any interest (to anyone but Luke Goss himself) is how this movie was funded? Hopefully he funded it himself - presumably the few radio plays that "When Will I Be Famous" still gets globally must bring in some royalties, because it would be a tragedy if anybody else had been so gullible as to have invested in this hilariously poor home movie.
The Martian (2015)
Good for the first 90 minutes but tediously overlong
The first hour is interesting and engaging but the plot starts to tail off after 90 minutes and the final hour is dull and irritating. The attempts at humourous scenes fall flat and detract from the tension which has been building. Ditto the choice of music - as if 2001 A Space Odyssey had used Priscilla Queen of the Desert for its soundtrack. Ultimately, this film seems to be confused about what it wants to be. It starts out as a gripping thriller but then turns into something weirdly light-hearted. A pity, it showed promise but didn't deliver.
Empire of the Sun (1987)
Sentimental direction spoils Ballard's surreal masterpiece
I watched this film when it came out as a child and enjoyed it. However, it doesn't stand up to rewatching in the 21st century due to the level of mawkish sentimentality - just how many times can Spielberg fall back on that cringe-inducing "character-slowly-salutes-another-character" device in one film? I think it happens FIVE times in this movie. It is perhaps the laziest and most nauseating device (at least to non-American audiences), and to use it so repeatedly in one film is unbelievable.
Bale was undoubtedly a precocious talent but you can almost see the direction here, as if you can hear in EVERY scene Spielberg's voice "Ok, now look around the room in wonder, now take a step forward, now put out your arms, now turn around". It all seems so hilariously wooden, at one point I thought a chair and table were doing the best acting in the room.
The character of Jim, watched as an adult, is also so unbelievably irritating that in moments when we are supposed to be feeling tension and hoping he doesn't get caught, I was actually hoping that he get swiftly bayoneted so hat the whole tedious film could be over.
Captain Phillips (2013)
A slick thriller but not enough of a story to support a plot.
The problem with basing a film on a true story is that the true story needs to be of sufficient interest. Any story that can be adequately summarised in one sentence - "A ship is hijacked and the Captain taken prisoner but is then rescued by the US Navy" is not going to be a great film.
That said, Hanks is excellent as always and the actors playing the Somalian hijackers are also very good. The film is well=paced and there is sufficient level of tension to keep the viewer's interest. B
Ultimately, however, the film leaves a feeling of "Is that it?" The final scene in which a shaken Hanks receives a medical is bizarre - and seems like a jarringly self-indulgent last plea for an Oscar! "Hey Academy! Look at my great acting!"
L'ascension (2017)
A charming, sweet film without a nasty bone in its body.
This is a lovely simple film full of heart-warming moments and warmth. It isn't groundbreaking or particularly profound, but the protagonist give an excellent and very endearing performance and the film is well-paced and neatly put together.
Trespass Against Us (2016)
Horribly stupid film about horrible stupid people
Baffling. Baffling how this film got made, baffling what the director thought he was trying to say, baffling how this script was ever considered adequate and baffling that Fassbender and Gleeson saw fit to have anything to do with this utter turkey.
The main problem is that there isn't anything even approaching a sympathetic character - they are all loathsome and thus it is impossible to enjoy a single moment of anything that occurs. A total waste of time and effort.