Reviews
Chill Factor (1999)
Utter nonsense but at least it was enjoyable to watch
This film was complete trash, but in a good way. I've always looked upon Cuba Gooding Jnr as a semi decent actor but if this is the kind of film he is going to be starring in, then I can see him descending the same way as Charlie Sheen.
You can see from the outset that the makers tried to make one of those high octane action thrillers, which are ten-a-penny these days. But when you've got a budget that would struggle to finance an episode of quantum leap, then maybe making a film of this kind wasn't such a good idea.
They make use of computer graphics in a lot of the action scenes which, to be honest, doesn't look the worst I have ever seen, but still prompts you to snicker at how bad it is. The most ridiculous of which occurs at the end of the movie, when a chemical weapon which we have been told has the power to blow up basically a quarter of America, detonates in a tunnel.
At this point we are subjected to rotten computer graphics which are so bad that I instantly had flashbacks of Dean Stockwell and the film-making atrocity that was the Langoliers.
But the story is complete nonsense, so even with a budget the size of Lord of the Rings, there would be no way of making the whole thing believable anyway. So you can perhaps see where the producer was coming from i.e. lets make a cheap action thriller and we'll plaster Cuba Gooding's face over the front cover and we'll maybe make some money.
It would've have been better if Eric Roberts had been given the leading role.
Riot (1996)
Gary Daniels best performance yet
This is Gary Daniels best performance yet, although this is because he hardly has anything to say in the movie. Don't get too excited though, because the parts of the film where he does enter into some dialogue, he blatantly reminds us of how bad an actor he really is. Especially, the part where he saves the young kids from a potential house fire, he shows all the acting talents that you would expect from a giraffe.
The film is supposedly set in a Christmas eve riot which has taken place due to tension between blacks and whites in suburban America. Although, apart from stolen footage, the only evidence we have that a riot is actually taking place is an annoyingly recurring news report which shows the same street with a couple of burning cars in the background.
We are then subject to a Rambo-esq suicide mission with the Daniels rescuing the British ambassador's daughter, taking care of anyone who dares get in his way in the riot torn streets (a couple of burning cars). We are subjected to this for about 80 minutes of the 90 minute running time. To say the least it gets extremely tedious as we see the Daniels throwing guys through windows, over cars, we even see guys in roller blades and motor bikes on the attack.
After about half an hour, it simply gets too predictable and not even a surprise appearance by the Napier can save the day.
Interceptors (1999)
I thought the Gary Daniels was the worst actor...
You would assume that film-makers faced with the problem of a low budget would strive to make a type of film that required as little funding as possible, for example a film about the abortion debate - all you would need would be a studio dressed up like a courtroom.
Well the makers of the travesty that is 'Last Line of Defence' have done the complete opposite and attempted to create an action racket along the lines of Predator and Terminator. In fact thats a bit light, what they have done is blatantly copy these movies.
The alien takes the predator form to begin with, camoflaged as it stalks its victims. What this really means is a green cloth placed over a camera and the camera shook about to give an impression as if from the aliens viewpoint. 1 out of 10 for improvisation.
It gets even worse later, when the alien takes the terminator form when it can transform itself into any one of the characters in the movie. We are then subject to farcical fighting scenes and whats worse we have to witness more of the horrible acting of what must be the worst cast ever to grace film.
Especially bad is the Gruner who the makers see as this film's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not only is he a worse actor than Schwarzenegger, which when you think about it is an achievement in itself, but he is even 10 times more annoying than Arnie.
There is some really pitiful acting here. I mean really bad - only someone with multiple honors degrees in English literature could find the words to describe how bad it really is.
I used to think that the Gary Daniels was the worst actor in the world, but the tide has turned. The mantle has been handed over to the Gruner. Absolutely no doubt about it.
Ground Control (1998)
The Cheapest Budget film I think you'l ever see
Question. How do you make a film when you have no money?
Answer. Well whatyou do is, hire a studio, get some old computers, a couple of maps of America and you get the Sutherland in and plaster his name and picture all over the front cover. What else you do is record some footage of aeroplanes off the TV and use this as if it was your own.
This pretty much sums up this film.
And yes it is true - the Sutherland is living on his reputation. His performance here isn't even worth commenting on, its that bad. His performance here actually reminded me of Dean Stockwell in The Langoliers, thats how bad his acting is. Rather than being a film about the pressures of air traffic controllers, it is more of a story of the Sutherland's triumphant return to the air traffic control desk.
Excited? Well wait to you see Fonsy ex happy days in this one. This is worth watching - not because its good but because it is hilarious how bad his acting is. Its hilarious.
Watch it just for this.
The Mod Squad (1999)
Ridiculous 'cons turn good' yard
This one is a poor attempt at spinning the old "cons turn good" yarn, which we have seen so many times before. It actually reminded me of the American series 'The Players', although nowhere near as good. Omar Epps is totally unconvincing as the hard man of the bunch, as is Ribisi, who's attempt at being the funny guy gets lost along the way. Danes performance was decent though, and you can see from this performance, why she was cast in Terminator 4.
The MOD Squad is a film which lies in a kind of grey area between serious thriller and comedy. At times it takes itself serious but other times it tries to be humorous but fails miserably. The film has a kind of half-finished feel about - as if it was stretched to the 90 minute mark.
You'l be disappointed.
Throttle (2005)
One of the cheapest made films you'l ever see
It won't take me long to describe this one. A guy gets chased around a car park by a madman in a black hummer. The end. Whats amazing about this film is how they managed to stretch the running time of the film to 90 minutes. At most this should have been a 20 minute short story.
Ludicrous plot, appalling acting (the bit at the end where the old "madman" starts crying is hilarious"), silly action scenes; this film offers nothing apart from hilarity.
Awful.
By the way, the only reason I have given it 2 out of 10 is because I managed to sit through the whole film.
Storm (1999)
Absolutely Awful
I have said this many times before, this time I'm more serious than ever, this is one of the worst films in existence. I have also said before that films like this, should stretch the laughable script a bit further and make it spoof. You could even bring the Neilsen in. This film reminds me of Airborne - that one with the Guttenberg in it. Airborne was atrocious as well, but I actually quite enjoyed Airborne partly because the Kim Coates was in it.
There is a great scene at the end of Storm where the hero, Luke Perry (don't laugh), has been dragged out the end of an aeroplane (the plane is about 20,000 feet in the air, about 800 mph) and manages to hold on to the missile which is attached to the plane with his bare hands. He then manages to crawl up the missile and drag himself back into the aeroplane, unscathed.
Ridiculous.
Hear No Evil (1982)
Dull teleplay which borders on spoof
An awful attempt at recreating the cliched cop shows of the 70's, Hear No Evil, was no doubt one of the inspirations for the spoof 'The Naked Gun'. Everything about the film is cliched, from the typical american hero lead role actor - agent Dragon, to the laughable biker gang bad guys. After Dragon is injured by a car bomb, he later wakes up to find that he has lost his hearing due to the accident. Mimi Rogers plays the psychiatrist who helps him get back to society after Dragon alienates himself from the outside world. Its a pity though, that Rogers doesn't actually say anything in the film, because her performance is the films only real plus point.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)
Possibly the biggest load of drivel ever made
Bad actors, terrible script, totally unbelievable ending - this film had it all. After seeing films like this, you wonder why the makers bothered at all. This film has absolutely nothing to say, all the methods used to create a scare have been used over and over again in previous horror films. A total waste of time.
Spiders II: Breeding Ground (2001)
Do I have to comment on this one?
With more cliches than in any other film I have seen, this film is absolutely atrocious. The special effects are not any better than the special effects seen in the old 1960 horror movies. The acting is a disgrace, as is the script. I can't even think of any good things to say about this movie, the only thing that did please me was that it didn't last very long.
Quicksilver Highway (1997)
Enjoyable, but not a classic
Fans of Stephen King and Clive Barker will love the two horror stories told in this swift refreshing movie. Stephen King fans will remember "Cat's Eye" from 1983 which starred James Woods and a young Drew Barrymore which told similar tales. Both tales are both horrifying and funny and they are joined together by Christopher Lloyd acting as a deviant soul looking for "America's lost heart". This movie is never a classic, but it was never supposed to be. It's a light hearted look at horror with sarcastic overtones. A refreshing horror movie.
Renegade (1992)
Great action series
This is one of the best series to ever come out of America. Up there with the likes of 'Law and Order', 'Quantum Leap' and 'The X-Files', this show is extremely entertaining. It has often been criticised because of its over-the-top plots however you must realise that Renegade was never meant to be taken that seriously. The show doesn't take itself seriously, all it does is give you a fast, entertaining 50 minutes of viewing pleasure. Refreshing.
Oasis: Familiar to Millions (2000)
Still the best band in the world
Oasis just keep getting better and better. Excellent songs which are even better live, this video is a must for any rock and roll fan. Forget any other bands that are kicking around today, Oasis are the best by miles. Their old stuff is sounding the best ever and their new material sounds absolutely amazing. The best live video performance by anybody ever.
Airborne (1998)
You'll have a great laugh at this one
This is one of the best comedies ever to be put on video, the trouble is, 'Airborne' is not meant as a comedy. Its meant as a one of those high octane, action thrillers with plot twists around every corner. I cant even begin to describe how bad the acting is in this one. The only person who comes out with any kind of credibility is Kim Coates who, as always, is excellant. The rest of the cast, Im afraid, are nothing short of dreadful. Especially Steve Guttenberg. I've always thought he was a terrible actor and his performance in this one proves it. His facail expression never changes throughout. This film is a pretty dire effort.
Vampires (1998)
An absolute classic
If you want to see a film thats entertaining, has plenty of action, has great characters with great acting and is not taken too seriously then 'John Carpenters Vampires' is perfect. Utterly suspenseful and entertaining from the start and will have you splitting your sides with laughter. So what? that it isnt a horror film. One of the best, most original action films of the last decade. And James Woods just gets better and better.
Crazy Six (1997)
Unwatchable
A unique film one that is impossible to sit through. Pyun's directing is utter farcical with weird, unneeded strobe lighting aimed at covering up a paper thin script and a nonsensical plot. I can't even begin to tell what its about because its not about anything, to put it more clearly, anything that happens is obscured by the over the top camera work and lighting. The film is supposed to be set in Eastern Europe, but guess what? Most of the characters are American with American accents. Theres even Burt Reynolds wearing a cowboy hat. If you've seen landmark cinema like 'Usual Suspects', 'Taxi Driver' or 'The Shining' then you may want to watch 'Crazy Six' to see landmark cinema at the other end of the spectrum, acheiving landmark status only because of its mediocrity.
They Nest (2000)
Is this a spoof?
Question? There is a swarm of killer insects heading towards six people. Three of the people are good guys, three are bad guys. Guess who the insects attack? Yes, you guessed it, the bad guys. Why? don't ask me. The only good thing about this one is the casting of Dean Stockwell as the Sherrif and at a push the appearance of John Savage as the town drunk. But sadly, neither of these actors are the main characters in a story line that defies common sense, where scenes happen with no explanation of how or why. It also has the most unbeleivable ending to a film ever. These films should take a half a step further and bring in Leslie Neilsen and make it spoof. Then at least we could get a laugh at it. And one other thing, why are the good looking people always the good guys?
Under Pressure (2000)
Absolute Dross
This is one of the worst films ever. Robe Lowe as the main actor. Need I say more? There is nothing good about this film at all. You'll do well to sit through it all. You wonder where people get the inspiration to make such dirge.
Water Damage (1999)
Totally and utterly pathetic
This film is like going to watch Scotland play soccer. It seems a good idea at the time but halfway through you think to yourself, what a waste of time! I think Baldwin is the new Rutger Hauer, no sorry, at least Rutger was in one good film. This film is nothing short of gawdawful. Keep your money.
Stealth Fighter (1999)
High Octane Nonsense
Another B action movie with cheap sets, laughable script and mediocre acting. Were we to expect anything different from Wynorski? Why did the makers bother with this one at all. Highlights from this film are the appearances of Ernie Hudson and William Sadler appearing together as President and leading commander respectively.
NetForce (1999)
A not too bad attempt
An average run-of-the-mill action/thriller about a Bill Gates type person who tries to monopolise internet access. This film has all the usual cliches and plots of an every day action thriller but does has some interesting views on how the internet may develop. Could have been a lot worse but still better than a lot of dirge out there at the moment. Why doesn't Scott Bakula get better scripts?
The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)
Was there any need for a sequel?
Trying to re-inact one of the best horror films of all time is no easy task. The Rage tries but falls way short of the mark. The story resembles the original far too much and the annoying romantic scenes dont help the film at all. It could have ended a lot worse but this film is really a poor effort. Fans of Stephen King and of the original may be amused by it but everyone else will probably turn it off half way through.
Postmortem (1998)
Above average Pyun flick
Well at last Albert Pyun has delivered a decent film. Although this one isn't the best film of all time, it is a marked improvement on his other works like 'Crazy Six' and 'Mean Guns' as well as the dire 'Omega Doom'. Charlie Sheen certainly helps the cause which cant be said for the other actors in the cast. Why have it in Scotland? Well I dont know, maybe its because its cheaper to make or maybe because Sheen likes the Scottish Pubs.
Operation Delta Force (1997)
Brilliant bad film!
When you have seen so many bad films then you begin to acquire a taste for them. It's films like 'Operation Delta Force' that give bad films their good name. Just sit back and relax and forget about all your worries and delve into fantasy land as Jeff Fahey and that black guy out of Ghostbusters run around pretending to be USA army specialists. Trouble is the makers of this film didn't intend for it to be a fantasy tale, its supposed to be a serious tale of guerilla warfare. Well, this just makes it all the more amusing. You'll not believe how silly some of the scenes are. Bad films like this serve a purpose because when you see a good film then you will really appreciate it.
Mean Guns (1997)
Tedious cheap action B movie
Albert Pyun is back with his unique directing talents in this one. Why does he always introduce weird strobe lighting in his films? Is it to cover up the shallowness of the story lines? Well it certainly seems that way to me. The welcome appearance of former rap king Ice T helps improves this film slightly. Pretty bad although its an improvement on Pyun's other disaster 'Crazy Six'.