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Ocean Ave. (2002)
Abomination
I found an episode of YouTube in this. Apparently it has a very young Megan Fox in a very minor role.
This looks like perhaps it was a student production. Like the autoshop class at school decided that they would make a TV show.
I mean how hard could it be right. Megan you stand over there and you say stuff to bob. And then Bob when she says stuff you like reply. I don't know make something up.
I'm telling you it's that bad. This is like 12-year-olds got a camera and said hey let's make a movie or TV show or whatever.
But it does demonstrate that Megan Fox's acting ability has remained constant throughout her career.
Columbo: Mind Over Mayhem (1974)
Some episodes are good. This is not one of those.
Apparently the year before this Disney made a movie called The Million Dollar Duck. They hired a boy for the starring role. And then they use the same kid for the mouse movie Ben.
And despite no particular ability to act on his part they figured let's toss him into Columbo because he's a kid we want that demographic and he's cheap. So he's a boy genius. That's it. That's all you get. There is no further depth of character than he's a boy genius.
He's also utterly unnecessary to the plot.
Well a genius should be working in a genius place. Figure out what those are called and let's make this one of those. Think tank? I don't know. We'll call it that. So get me all the computer crap that you can from The Prop Room.
Other episodes of Columbo have portrayed realistic computers. Memory tapes printouts. This one is just blinka blinka lights and a beep beep beep.
What else should you have in a mad scientist Laboratory in 1971? Well we've got a robot. Sure a robot. And it can play war games on the computer and it can walk the dog and it can shake hands.
When Robbie the robot was first featured in Forbidden Planet it was built by a mad scientist in an alien laboratory who had his brain enhanced by a alien machine.
Maybe in 1950 people were stupid enough they they would buy that. But by 1971 it should have been obvious to everyone that we were then as we are now very far away from a robot that can walk the dog and do the laundry.
But you got the mad scientist, the boy genius, the robot.
What else can you get me? Here's a guy who starred on Star Trek. Sure. Kids like Star Trek. By the way is it just me or does this guy look like he's already dying from the ravages of alcoholism? He looked fairly fresh-faced in 1966 but here we are 5 years later and I think he looks kind of like a junkie.
Anyway Super Genius mad scientist decides for reasons to kill dude. Runs him over. And then figures that he'll just drop the body in the house and people will think that somebody punched him.
They go on and on and on in this episode about how smart everyone is. How this is a place of geniuses. How everybody here is a genius. And this idiot runs over a body and dumps it in the living room and just figures nobody's going to notice.
He's supposed to be a think tank specialist. Way up on Game Theory and critical thinking.
Now in most other episodes of Columbo the murderer upon concluding the crime stops and does a once-over to just check that he hasn't missed anything. Not this guy. This guy literally walks with the body into the wall scraping the boots onto the white paint. Then lights up a cigar and I guess celebrates. A meth head frankly plans out a murder better than this guy.
But he's a super genius. So he needs some kind of Super Genius alibi thing. So apparently he's programmed the robot to run the war game and that's how he's going to convince everybody that he was there because no one else in this think tank of geniuses who work with a robot whatever think that the robot could be running the war game.
Also take a look at the robot. I did. There's no way that robot can type. I mean it could Mash buttons on the typewriter but it literally lacks the necessary precision on its Grapplers it doesn't have hands in order to actually type.
Okay so mad scientist for reasons kills dude run some over and driveway doesn't clean up the scene. Drags the body into the house. Then lights up a stogie and celebrates.
Dead dude has a wife who loves him. That's all we've got. She's a wife who loves him. We're told that again and again. She doesn't act like that. And she's not the least bit sad that her husband is dead. She looks a little bit like the chick who played the Romulan commander on Star Trek. But her acting range is more that of a Vulcan.
All right kids like mad scientists they like robots they like kids, what else can we put for the kids in this one. The damn dog. That's right. Put the stupid dog in the episode. The dog is the opposite of the kid. The kid is a super genius and a think tank and the dog is flunking obedience school. Haha that's funny see because dogs are stupid and kids are brilliant or... Robots!
All right in my observation almost all of the elements of this episode are completely superfluous. The kid is totally unnecessary to the story and could be deleted without problem. The robot is unnecessary to the story. We could have had the killer hook a second computer to the first one to hack into the war games as an alibi or I don't know just get some smart people to think of a better Alibi because this one is ludicrous.
Over left with here of any value at all is that bad guy has kid who was caught cheating. And bad guy decides to murder to cover that up. That doesn't seem like a smart move. Smart people make better moves than this. People who run think tanks think things through. They should have thought this episode through.
Didn't need the dog didn't need the robot didn't need the kid didn't need the think tank definitely didn't need the huge fake computer array.
Didn't need this episode.
Peter Falk was okay. One clearing bit in it instead he acts much smarter in this episode. Go see you who watched Quantum Leap remember how Sam it behaves a little bit differently from situation to situation. Well Colombo here is in a room full of geniuses so he acts a little bit smarter. But we can get at best one or two minutes of decent air time from that. That leaves an hour and 11 minutes of fluff.
If you want to miss one episode of Colombo, it should be this one.
Countdown (1967)
If you know nothing about science, this is the movie you would make
The movie is made on a shoestring budget and it shows. It's a pity they didn't bother spending at least a few Pennies on a science advisor.
A couple years before this film there was one called Robinson Crusoe on Mars. That film was an example of what could be done with a limited budget to maximum effect.
This film is an exercise in cutting corners. And it shows. It shows all over the place. Can't afford a lot of visual effects so make the plot dialogue heavy and Laden with false drama foisted in for no real logical storytelling purpose.
This film was released the year before America landed on the moon. By the time it hit the theaters it was pretty clear to everyone that America was solidly in the lead in the space race. As such this film kind of hits the ground being dated by its portrayal of the Russians still in the lead.
Perhaps the high point in the film is seeing Ted Knight from Mary Tyler Moore portrayed as a completely straight and credible role. It's a little like the early days when Leslie Nielsen didn't do comedy.
You know maybe if they made this a comedy it would have worked. Certainly doesn't work as a drama.
Until Branches Bend (2022)
Made me want to get a big can of raid
This is one of those introspective deep feeling pieces about the plight of women as applied to peaches and June bugs.
On Star Trek there were these pipes on the ship labeled gndn. That stood for goes nowhere does nothing. This movie is 100% gndn.
Now there are times in your life where you may wish to go nowhere and do nothing. And perhaps you just want to blow off the better part of 2 hours and not be entertained in any meaningful fashion. For example if you've gone to the dentist and had some freezing done and you need to sit for a couple of hours well it wears off then this may very well be the movie for you.
I'm sure there are some people to whom this movie will appeal.
I'm also sure that those people are not in the majority. Not even close.
In summary there's a girl there's some peaches and there's some bugs. In the end the girl goes and stands in the swarm of June bugs and then they go tailgating and eat some peaches. I'm not kidding.
Save yourself.
Becky (2020)
She gets the job done
I'll admit I was skeptical. But I left entertained.
This is a B Movie. No Academy Awards here. But as B movies go it is quite serviceable.
Home Alone was a movie with cartoon violence from 1956.
Becky is a movie with cartoon violence from 2020. I mean as far as blood letting goes it's right up there with Spartacus or Rick and Morty.
And I didn't think I could shift my brain into neutral to enjoy this but somehow it managed to persuade me. There's something bizarrely satisfying about watching this teeny tiny female David mulch a bunch of goliaths with an improbable mix of Blade weapons and automatic machinery.
It's kind of like if you took Drew Barrymore from the set of ET and crossed her with Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th. Absolutely over the top. And quite entertaining. If you're looking for subtlety or substance or hidden meaning then this isn't for you. But if you can laugh and say oh my gosh I can't believe she did that. You just might have a good time.
No One Will Save You (2023)
What? What? What are you doing?
This is a high concept artsy War of the World style film blended with self-actualization and stuff.
I don't think it's going to be for all tastes. Certainly not mine. The Crux of the movie is that a girl has unresolved issues from the past which will be worked out against the backdrop of alien invasion.
If you've ever watched a musical then you know you come for the songs not for the story. This is similar in that you come for the girl working out her past not for the alien invasion.
And I hope that's what you do because how they handle this invasion is well not good.
The girl makes a series of bizarre decisions handling the situation. Most notably even though the Martians are attacking she doesn't feel the need to carry any kind of a weapon around with her whatsoever.
Maybe at the start she's shocked and unprepared. But once it all starts to happen you would think that for sure she would grab a kitchen night or hammer or a gun or any Implement of Destruction whatsoever.
Instead she spends a significant portion of the movie staring stupidly at aliens who spend a significant portion of the movie staring stupidly back at her. Apparently on Mars the method of communication is a modified burp combined with some kind of semaphore variation of Madonna's Vogue dance.
Anyway by the end of the movie The World Is overthrown by the lizard Martian overlords and there's no going back and we're supposed to be happy that Becky here has learned to live with the mistakes of her past even though nothing she will ever do will ever matter again.
And I'm left looking at the screen saying what?
This movie has some nice visuals and some nice effects. But the big question is does it go anywhere does it do anything and does any of it matter. And the answer is no to all three of those.
Oh and there's no dialogue in the entire film. It's effectively a silent movie. Does that make you love it even more? It does not.
An interesting albeit failed experiment.
Tales of the Wizard of Oz (1961)
I remember watching this in my pajamas
I must have watched this around 1970. Even back then I remember that the tapes had been played so often that the recording was scratchy. But my child brain loved it. It was an excellent show for children with short spans of attention. Because it seemed like you could pop in and out at any point.
Happy times.
I must have watched this around 1970. Even back then I remember that the tapes had been played so often that the recording was scratchy. But my child brain loved it. It was an excellent show for children with short spans of attention. Because it seemed like you could pop in and out at any point.
Happy times.
Private Sales (2016)
Acting lessons NEEDED
I'm trying to enjoy this. Really I am. But I'm continually distracted by the abysmal acting abilities of the entire cast. Not since my grade school play have I seen such amateur unpolished clunky stilted wooden acting. Everyone in this show makes William Shatner look like the finest actor alive.
Other than that the story is moderately engaging and the characters moderately interesting.
But I just can't get over the notion that this was written directed and produced and by a nine year old on Adderall.
None the less I feel compelled to watch episode 2. Make of that what you will.