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BubbaSchwabb
Reviews
Monolith (2022)
Like a Bottle Rocket That Doesn't Explode
I get it. The brick is a metaphor that has something to do with confronting your inner demons. It didn't need to be. It could've just been a cool sci-fi movie. Sometimes movies don't need to be an art piece intended to be analyzed in a liberal arts classroom. Sometimes movies can just be entertaining and that's fine. It started out really promising and then just went way over the top with the metaphor. Like I said in the title, it's like a bottle rocket that you are really excited about until you realize the finale you were waiting for isn't gonna happen. I gave it 5 stars because it kept me mildly entertained for the first hour or so until I found myself playing on my phone and rolling my eyes at the ridiculousness.
We Summon the Darkness (2019)
If you have a couple hours to kill...
Let's start with the obvious. The good: Alexandra Daderino is hot and it's at least entertaining. That's about all this has going for it, honestly. As far as actually inducing any kind of fear, not even close.
For a horror movie to be scary it has to be somewhat believable. Movies cease to be scary when the characters aren't believable or do things that people wouldn't normally do. Let's just be honest here. It's hard for most guys to imagine running from girls. Shoehorning in the religious aspect just made it a little more cringeworthy.
Like I said though, not all bad. Good way to kill a few hours at the end of the night.
Into the Blue 2: The Reef (2009)
LOL
This movie tries to be a serious action/drama but is is embarrassingly stupid. The question is, which of us is more stupid, the movie, or me for watching it? The whole final scene where they have the surfboard funeral was hilariously bad. It was supposed to be this dramatic ending but I was just laughing hysterically. It's also one of those movies that is completely unbelievable because the characters are absolute morons that do everything wrong. Running from a bad guy wearing a hospital gown? Don't try to find a large group of people to help. Just run into an abandoned subway or something. I wasn't expecting much but wow.
Sleeping Dogs (2024)
A mile wide and an inch deep
First, I will just say that this movie was entertaining. It also features some actors that I really like. Russell Crowe, Karen Gillan, Tommy Flanigan. On top of that, it was only $3.99 to rent, so it was definitely worth the price. I will say though that it was very very predictable. I had the plot twist ending figured out 10 minutes into the movie. Not even an exaggeration.
Kind of a lazy screenplay. It was basically Clue meets Memento. There was just too much going on and the whole time I'm thinking "just get to the end where we find out he was the one that killed the professor." One thing that bothered me, why would you bury the wooden bat instead of throwing it into the fire?
Camp X-Ray (2014)
Yawn
It's exactly what you think it is. Typical Hollywood BS. America is evil. So is the US military, especially to women. We should all feel sorry for the Guantánamo detainees. Etc. On top of all that, it's extremely boring. Two hours long and Pretty much nothing happens the entire time. It does raise some interesting philosophical questions, so it accomplishes its goal I guess but it's still a terrible movie. Also, As a veteran, I will say that Kristen Stewart plays a surprisingly good female soldier. She has the mannerisms down pretty well. Maybe she missed her calling. So it gets four stars for those things.
They Called Him Mostly Harmless (2024)
They called him...
Vance Rodriguez There. Now you know his name so you can skip the 90 minutes of BS. He was from Louisiana and apparently a bit of a dick if you are to believe people who knew him (he's not around to defend himself so I take it with a grain of salt). I don't understand why this even needed to be a documentary. How many John and Jane Doe are there in this country? There has to be one more interesting than this guy. Everyone in this documentary is unlikable. There's not even anything more to say about it. I'm only writing still so that I can meet the required character count. Go watch American nightmare on Netflix instead.
Midsommar (2019)
How does this have such great reviews?
I really don't get the appeal. It was boring and predictable, not to mention unnecessarily drawn out. I kept finding myself hitting pause and thinking "oh my God there there's how long left?" Why is every movie 2.5 hours long these days? It was pretty graphic, so I gave it +1 star for that and l like Florence Pugh so +1 for that too. I don't really know what else to say about it. This is one of those movies that I think people like hearing themselves talk about more than they actually liked watching. Maybe the reason this got such great reviews was because all of the pseudo-intellectuals missed half the movie (lucky them) while they were planning their blog and social media posts for afterwards."You didn't like it? Oh you probably just didn't get it"
Blue Beetle (2023)
Copy/Paste
Have you seen a comic book movie before? This is one of them. If the writers were to turn this movie in for a college class, it would probably get flagged for plagiarism. Spider-Man+Ironman+Shazam = blue beetle. Everything about it is formulaic. The reluctant, goofy hero. The love interest. The witty sidekick(s). The comic relief. The evil corporate villain etc. I guess one difference is that this movie is cliché but in Spanish as well. It had some entertainment value so it's not a complete dud but still pretty bad. It's also entirely too long. I thought it was nearly over, pressed pause, and it still had a half hour left. I just started laughing and thought "holy crap why?" I had to turn it off. I will get back to the ending at some point but I honestly really don't see a need. Like I said, if you've seen one, you've seen them all. I know exactly how it's going to end and so do you.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: End Game (2019)
Laughably bad
This is by far, without a shadow of doubt, the worst episode of law and order I've ever seen. It's just so far outside the bounds of reality that it's impossible to get on board with. So the deputy district attorney colludes with a witness to fabricate evidence, she admits it on the stand, and they end up getting a murder conviction with admittedly no other evidence? Not a chance. First, even as a non-lawyer I understand that this would never fly in a court room. First, I have to imagine that's grounds for a mistrial. Second, I'm sure disbarment would be the least of their worries because they would both be likely be getting charged. Like someone else said, there really should be another episode in a later season where the conviction gets thrown out on appeal.
On top of all the logical problems, the character implications are irredeemable. They framed someone. Guilty or not, they, the government, took away someone's rights without any evidence. That's what cops and prosecutors are. They are the government. When the government cheats and fabricates evidence to take away someone's freedom, it's not something to celebrate. The way the episode ended on it as if it were just a minor inconvenience was disgusting and shameful.
Fantastic Four (2015)
Terrible in Every Regard
The reviews speak for themselves. All around dreadful. I'm struggling to think of a worse comic book film, so Ryan Reynolds can rest easy, because this movie makes Green Lantern look like a cinematic masterpiece. It almost seems as if it was tailor made for Mystery Science Theater 3000. I just can't believe how bad it is. Someone read that screenplay and think "Yeah, this is it, Chief." How? Terrible music. Terrible plot. Just terrible everything. I like Michael B Jordan and Kate Mara a lot, but even they couldn't rescue this movie from itself.
The Ultimate Gift (2006)
Christian Dogma
Let me sum this movie up for you: A narcissistic, snobby, big city coastal elitist must find his redemption arc via small town family values, because the only honorable and moral way to live life is in the rural part of the country, which Sarah Palin so elegantly referred to as "Real America." I'm honestly surprised that they didn't start the movie off with him in a college with some smug liberal professor telling him that God's not real, and demanding that he renounce Christianity. I mean, if you are going to peddle in stupid conservative stereotypes, why not just go all in? This movie just reeked of self righteousness. I was going to give it 2-stars, since I generally reserve 1-star ratings for movies like "God's Not Dead" but I felt like I needed to counter all of the 10-star reviews.
The Invisible Man (2020)
Don't know where all of these 1-star reviews are coming from
Was there something political about this movie that I missed, because you'd think so given the extremely polarizing reviews? I'm actually serious. Was there something on Fox News (Biggest victim complex on the planet) whining about this movie? I genuinely don't understand how anyone that watched it could think it was terrible. It was a good movie. Creepy, edge of your seat thriller.
Tree of Life (2014)
Pseudo-intellectual garbage
I created an account just to 1-star this movie. The only reason anyone is giving it good reviews is because doing so makes them feel smarter than they really are. This is the cinematic version of abstract art. I sat through God's not Dead and Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, but couldn't make it though Tree or Life. It wasn't all for nothing though because it's still an inside joke with the buddy I walked out of the theater with. "On a scale of 1 to 'Tree of Life' where would you rank Ad Astra?" Good bonding experience that we will laugh about for years to come.