Reviews
Hostel (2005)
Tourist torture
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
Three guys head to Slovakia to party. Nothing says good times like Slovakia. They get a tip that the women there will do anything they want. Next stop Slovakia! It turns out that they were misinformed. Actually, it's the sadists there who will do whatever they want to them. The hostel they're staying at is running a special on torturing horny backpackers. For a reasonable price, the local freaks can have their way with the lousy tourists.
"Hostel" is a fine horror flick. I was pleased. There is plenty of blood, gore and general sickness here to please any horror fan. The first half of the movie has the guys partying down in Europe with various topless women. Once they get their hot tip on the compliant Slovakian ladies, the movie clearly illustrates the danger of taking travel advice from someone you just met. The hostel in Slovakia turns out to be a slaughterhouse of wayward tourists. The last half of the movie has many fine gore scenes as the sadists go to work.
Besides its large amount of gore effects, "Hostel" also has an abundance of female nudity. I was very happy to see so many unnecessary naked breasts in a mainstream horror flick. This movie does not skimp on the exploitation. It's got blood, guts, breasts, and guys in doctor outfits torturing people. Yeah, "Hostel" delivers the goods. It's worth a look.
Incubus (1981)
Sneaky Incubus
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
My friend and I were out at a used video store when "The Incubus" caught my eye. There was a demon creature on the front of the video box staring at me with his little red beady eyes daring me to buy the movie. Next to the creature was his tag line: He is the Destroyer. "The Incubus" for only three bucks eh? What a deal! We bought the scary demon movie right away.
Well, this movie stinks. "The Incubus" is another rotten bargain bin disaster. His tag line was correct. He destroyed the VCR with great speed and efficiency. So there's a doctor running around town trying to solve a series of brutal murders. A lot of women are getting raped and killed. The doctor thinks it's a monster. The cops thinks he's nuts. I think this movie stinks.
As a fan of monster flicks, I have but one question. Where's the monster? Why is the Incubus hiding? The Incubus is hiding because the movie doesn't care about him. So why is he plastered on the front of the video box? It's another bait and switch scam from the pits of B-movie making. The movie is really more interested in the mental health of the doctor, who makes eyes at his daughter and worries a little too much about which guy she's dating. "The Incubus" has a few gory scenes but not nearly enough to justify watching it. The only time you'll see this Incubus is on the front of the video box. If you see this demon looking at you from the video box cover, turn your head and run away before he sucks you in.
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
Cookie monster
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
My friend and I saw this one the other day. We've been looking forward to "Gingerdead Man" for some time. Gary Busey as a reincarnated killer gingerbread man? Sold. That's a B-movie touchdown. Or so we wanted to believe
"Gingerdead Man" is a mild disaster. It's not disastrous enough to make me call 911 but it's pretty horrible. Somehow, Busey's ashes are stirred in with some gingerbread mix. He becomes the Gingerdead man. A bunch of workers at the bakery try to take Busey out but he's too fast and delicious for them. Then the movie drags on and on until it somehow mercifully ends.
Nothing remotely interesting happens in "Gingerdead Man". The entire movie takes place in the bakery. I was hoping the Busey cookie monster was going to hit the road for some sweet, sweet revenge. Instead the filmmakers went the ultra cheap route and kept all of the action in one setting. There are only so many things a Gingerdead man can do in the kitchen of a bakery. Most of the things he did manage to do weren't eventful or exciting. "Gingerdead Man" has a great comic/horror premise but the movie is lame. It can be skipped.
Angel (1983)
Shy Angel
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
I bought this video for three bucks. You don't know how long I've been staring at the video box cover of "Angel" and wondering when I was going to get around to watching it. The front cover of "Angel" is pure exploitation. It has Angel on the left side of the cover wearing pigtails and holding some schoolbooks. The right side of the front cover has Angel in high heels and a short red skirt. The tag line is "High School Honor Student by day. Hollywood Hooker by night." Classic! This is a film that no sleazy film lover could possibly resist.
One thing you can say about the tag line for "Angel": It didn't lie. So Angel is a high school honor student by day and a Hollywood hooker by night. She hangs out with other ladies of the night and tries to earn some money. A mad killer is stalking Hollywood Blvd. and wants to slice and dice some hookers. Angel won't stand for it. She's got a gun that's bigger than she is and she can't wait to use it.
Well, I wanted to love this movie but it just wasn't sleazy enough for me. I should have known the video box cover was too good to be true. The main problem with "Angel" is that Angel does not get naked. Does NOT get naked. I found this to be troublesome since she was supposed to be a Hollywood hooker. Not only that, she doesn't have any sex scenes in the entire movie. No sex scenes for a Hollywood hooker movie? She even says at one point, "I've had sex with hundreds of men
" When was that Angel? Was that in a different movie? Why is Angel being so shy?
That's the basic problem with "Angel". It's trying to be a real movie when it should have been sticking to being extra sleazy. "Angel" gets pretty emotional for a Hollywood hooker flick. Angel tends to cry a lot about her family life or lack thereof. Not to seem heartless but I don't really want to see Angel weeping uncontrollably. There are a few scenes of gratuitous female nudity at the high school locker room and some decent fight scenes but overall "Angel" was kind of a letdown.
Great video box cover. So-so B-flick.
Actress Apocalypse (2005)
Screaming and yelling on the set
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A user on the IMDb recommended this movie to me. It does my heart good to know that some people think of me when they find a sleazy movie. "Actress Apocalypse" has many scenes of actresses disrobing, stripping, posing, and just generally being naked. In fact, the credits are played over scenes of two girls kissing in the shower. As the man said, "That's the way you start a movie."
Unfortunately, I didn't like "Actress Apocalypse". The movie is set up as a fake documentary of the making of a B-movie. It's got something to do with a mullet headed Indian killing women. I was not a fan of "The Blair Witch Project" and like that movie, "Actress Apocalypse" is full of improvisations. They make it up as they go along. Lots of improvised conversation, lots of screaming, lots of improvised screaming. The director screams at his psychotic brother who in turn screams back at him. They both argue with the boom operator and everybody bellows at the actresses who are auditioning. The movie is set up as a series of auditions for a slasher flick that usually ends in an actress apocalypse. The brother just cannot control himself.
"Actress Apocalypse" is one of the most hyper movies I've ever seen. Every film-making trick is used. It reminded me of "Natural Born Killers" in its attempt to beat the viewer into submission. I was worn out watching this kinetic mess. It was stuck in permanent overdrive: Switching from color to black and white, splicing in quick flashes of nudity, etc. This movie made me tense with its non-stop screaming and film-making insanity.
Although I didn't like the movie as a whole, there were still some good things here to enjoy. "Actress Apocalypse" does not skimp on the gratuitous nudity. There were some hot women in this one. Having the girl continually walk back and forth naked was an especially nice touch. It's this dedication to exploitation that I admire.
Overall, "Actress Apocalypse" was just too wired for me. I loved the nudity in between the screaming matches but the continual yelling and fighting drowned out any sleazy goodness from all of the fine exploitation scenes.
Sex Files: Sexual Matrix (2000)
Better than "The Matrix" - Just kidding
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
"Sexual Matrix" is about a matrix that is sexual. A horny professor decides to ask his students all about their sexual fantasies. Of course he does. So while they're describing their wildest dreams, he plugs them into his matrix machine and it lets them live out their fantasies. It seems so real! Mia Zottoli shows up to assist the professor in his quest to know what turns the whole campus on.
I rented "Sexual Matrix" as part of my quest to see every Mia Zottoli movie ever made. Unfortunately, this flick was made before she became busty Ava Lake. There was less of her to love. As a Zottoli flick, "Sexual Matrix" was disappointing. Her only sex scene is at the end. She's on some cheap futuristic set that looks like it came right out of "Tron". The camera spins around the action until the viewer gets nauseous. Suffice to say, "Sexual Matrix" is not a must see for Zottoli fans.
As a skin flick, "Sexual Matrix" is fair. It really doesn't try to be much of a movie. It goes something like this: Student walks in, starts talking about sex, their fantasies power up the matrix and a sex scene follows. That's it. There were some fair scenes but none really stand out. "Sexual Matrix" doesn't need to be seen but it won't kill you if you wind up watching it. I mean, it's got a little Mia Zottoli action so it can't be all bad.
Secret Desires of a Housewife 2 (2005)
It's no secret - It's great
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
First, allow me to praise the DVD cover of "Secret Desires of a Housewife 2". The cover has two women kissing each other with their faces bathed in a blue light. This is effective advertising. It's no secret what the housewife's desire is. I didn't need to know anything more about this movie than what was on the DVD cover. I bought it immediately.
"Secret Desires of a Housewife 2" is a great skin flick. Great! The actual desire of this housewife is to learn how to rock climb so she can hang out with her husband. This leads to a lot of sex. Akira Lane shows up as another rock climbing/sex enthusiast. She has two sex scenes in this one and they are both hot! She's awesome. Her sex scenes alone make this DVD worth getting. There is barely any plot to get in the way here. People talk, they hang out, something about rock climbing is mentioned and then there's a sex scene. The scene with the housewife and her female rock climbing teacher, (the picture from the DVD cover), is top notch.
You can't go wrong with "Secret Desires of a Housewife 2". I loved it. If you're an Akira Lane fan, you must see this movie.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005)
No good
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
My cousin and I went out to see this one. He was moving to New York and I wanted to send him on his way with a fine film to remember me by. I hope I didn't scar him too badly. He'll never come back now.
"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is the very definition of desperately unfunny. This movie strains itself to be amusing. I wanted to like it. I really did! Generally speaking, I like stupid comedies. This movie was not even remotely funny. Stupid? Yes. Funny? No. I loved the first "Deuce Bigalow". I saw it twice in the theaters and I laughed my head off each time. This one did not work.
The first "Deuce Bigalow" had Deuce becoming a prostitute to get himself out of a financial jam. In the first flick, he dated various freaky women who couldn't land a date with anyone else. In this one, he goes to Amsterdam to help his buddy T.J. out and dates various freaky women. Sounds about the same right? The problem is that his dates are played for disgusting laughs instead of laughing at the awkwardness of Bigalow's dating skills. One of his dates has a hole in her neck. She takes a sip of wine, she has a hole in her neck
you see where this is going. Nowhere funny that's for sure.
"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" is no good. It tries too hard to be disgusting. Don't see it. It's not funny. Go rent the first movie and laugh. This one will only cause you pain.
Doom (2005)
Should have tried harder
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
I had high hopes that "Doom" would be a little better than the usual B-movie I find myself watching. I thought it would show a little more imagination. Nope. It is as run of the mill as it gets.
I have seen this type of movie many, many times before. "Doom" is yet another entry in a long line of cheap creature features. You know, the ones that have soldiers walking through government labs with flashlights on the end of their guns as monsters pop out of the darkness and kill them one by one. "Doom" has the look and feel of a cheesy B-movie that should have gone straight to video. There should have been a little more effort made to keep "Doom" from falling headfirst into B-movie oblivion. What a shame.
So The Rock and some other soldiers head to a government outpost and run into some monsters. The rest of the movie writes itself. Monsters, soldiers with big guns, bang, splat, AAAAGGHH! The only thing remotely interesting in this one is a five minute stretch where the movie emulates the first person shooter feel of the game. This amused me for a little bit. The rest of "Doom" has a sprinkling of gore but doesn't even remotely capture the nonstop horror carnage of the game.
Needless to say, I was disappointed in this one. B-movie all the way, "Doom" has some gore effects and a few nasty scenes but it's not enough to save it. It can be skipped.
Land of the Dead (2005)
Zombie land
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
America has become the Land of the Dead. The humans hide behind large gated communities while the inhuman monsters scrounge around outside. Soon the zombies will start evolving and realize they want more from their undead existence than just pretending to live. They want what the humans have: Their brains, hearts, lungs, and other mouth watering organs. A few humans get together to stop the dead with the help of fireworks and some very large automatic weapons.
There may not have been as much subtext in "Land of the Dead" as some of the other Romero zombie movies for people to chew on but it worked fine for me. The only thing I want to see chewed on in a zombie movie is as many guts as possible. Romero knows how to stage effective gore scenes and "Land of the Dead" certainly doesn't disappoint. Once again the morally bankrupt humans invite disaster by dedicating their lives to cheap thrills. Zombie target practice, gladiator fights etc. The zombies have had enough of their so-called humanity. They'll set them straight on whose land this is. "Land of the Dead" is a fine zombie flick. I was pleased. It's got blood, guts, and Asia Argento killing zombies. What's not to like?
One last thing, how about that zombie Number 9? You know, the girl in the softball uniform carrying a baseball bat? That was some hot zombie action. Even with half of her face shredded off, I still thought she looked good. I'm glad she was stuck at the head of the pack with Big Daddy and the butcher. Thankfully she hadn't decomposed too much when the zombies started their rampage. You hate to see a zombie girl lose her looks to time, the elements, or death.
Eternal (2004)
Needed more - Blood, nudity, exploitation etc.
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
I was excited about this one. I saw that it played in a few theaters in New York and L.A. before shuffling off to the video store. That's a good sign. At least they tried to give it a chance. I also can't get enough of the Elizabeth Bathory legend/myth. There's just something about a woman insisting in bathing in blood that speaks to me. So it was with high hopes that I rented this one. Surely, "Eternal" would be sleazy enough for a discriminating B-movie lover such as myself.
Bad news. "Eternal" actually has pretensions of being a real movie. The horror! So a detective is investigating the disappearance of his wife. All of the clues lead to Elizabeth Kane, wealthy hot woman. Kane might actually be the real Elizabeth Bathory. The detective won't give up his search and chases her around the world as everyone he knows keeps getting killed for her blood baths.
Here's my main problem with this wannabe classy exploitation flick: Kane does not get naked! Repeat, Elizabeth Kane, the woman who was supposed to bathe nude in blood, does not get naked. This is horrible. How dare they not show a scene with Kane scrubbing herself clean with gallons of blood? OK. Fine. There's one scene where she's coming out of a bath. But it's shot from a distance and you only see her back side. You see, the key to making an exploitation flick is being exploitative. This is not how it's done.
Kane rushes through her female love scenes like she's got more important things to do. What could possibly be more important? She's too quick to kill her victims. Couldn't they have lingered on the love making just a bit? In fact, there wasn't really any love making, just some quick kissing scenes and then Kane went for the jugular. "Eternal" looks good, with its luxurious settings, fancy costumes and hot women, but the bloody payoff scenes are not there. It can be skipped.
Sexual Intrigue (2000)
Intriguing...
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
Kira Reed needs to get her boyfriend a job. She hooks him up with Kim Dawson. This can only lead to sexual intrigue. The boyfriend is hired by Dawson to pull off a kidnapping so that they can split the ransom. He's also good to have around for sex. In fact, the boyfriend gets sexually intrigued by most of the females in the movie. They're very intriguing. You can't blame him.
"Sexual Intrigue" is a fine skin flick. You just need to ignore the kidnapping angle and concentrate on the sex scenes. That won't be too hard to do with Kira Reed and Kim Dawson having most of the sex. Reed has three sex scenes. The best one has her having sex in the hot tub with her boyfriend. Kim Dawson also has three sex scenes and they're all good. Kim Dawson is always a sight for sore eyes in these movies. You need to have the horny, older woman around to seduce the young, dumb guys. But with Dawson, it doesn't take much seducing effort to get the party started. Both of these women are very sexually intriguing. They make "Sexual Intrigue" worth a look.
The Model Solution (2002)
Living in Los Angeles
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A guy runs a modeling agency out of a huge white house in L.A. that I have seen featured in many, many skin flicks before. This massive house is infamous. I just saw "The Key to Sex" which used this house for numerous sex scenes. It's the ultimate skin flick set. Swimming pool, nice view from the deck, enough beds and couches around for everybody to have fun on, etc. I wonder whose house it is. It must be some producer's house. The skin flick business has been very good to whoever owns this monstrosity. What a great way to save money. Just keep cranking out scripts and film the whole thing at the Malibu pleasure fortress.
If you think about it, the skin flick business couldn't possibly exist anywhere else in the world. It has to be in Los Angeles so it can be near all of the beautiful women who are trying to be models, actresses etc. Every third house in Van Nuys or Chatsworth that has a swimming pool is probably filming some sort of sexual activity. The skin flick business makes more money than Hollywood and this massive, sprawling mansion in "Model Solution" is a glaring testament to that.
Anyway, forgetting about the house for a second, "Model Solution" is a fairly lame skin flick. It has a lot of familiar faces doing a lot of familiar things but it was all pretty ho hum. A guy is competing with an old girlfriend for a modeling contract. This leads to sex. In fact, any plot point that comes up leads to sex. It's amazing. No matter what happened, it always ended up leading to sex. I guess that's why I like these movies. You know what you're getting.
The problem is that no one seemed to be into it. Everyone seemed to be going through the motions as they spent a little quality time at the Malibu pad. You've got April Flowers, Sasha Rochelle, Regina Russell and a few others. No one really stands out although I did like Holly Hollywood as the homely, (not really), assistant. She only has one sex scene. It's not that good, a little slow and in the dark, but her presence has inspired me to find other, better Holly Hollywood movies. "Model Solution" can be skipped.
Vampyres (1974)
Bloody kisses
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
"Vampyres" must be the greatest lesbian vampire movie ever made. I say this with authority since I have seen more than my share of lesbian vampire flicks. Some might even say that I've seen too many of them. It has everything you could want. Hot vampire women, lots of blood, hot vampire women showering together, some more blood, and hot vampire women giving each other bloody kisses as their victim screams in pain. Did I mention they were hot?
So two hot vampires, (Marianne Morris and Anulka), live in a big house and get victims to come visit by hitchhiking and having the unsuspecting fools drive them home. To be fair, I would have stopped for them as well. Call me foolish. Once the dolts are in their mansion, the vampires pounce on them and start the sucking. This leads to the best scene in the movie as the two ladies start sucking away on one guy's gushing wound and share his blood with each other through many bloody kisses. This was a classic moment in exploitation movie history. There are plenty of other good sex and blood scenes in this one as well. If you are into blood and babes, "Vampyres" is a must see.
The Cave (2005)
Lame junk
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A bunch of divers head into a cave. Not just a cave, The Cave. As they explore the cave, they start to realize that they are not alone. Weird monsters are also hanging out in the cave and want to chow down on some divers. It all sounds like a decent monster flick doesn't it? Rest assured it's as lame as it gets.
"The Cave" should have gone straight to video. If it had, I probably would have been reasonably entertained by its cheesy B-movie antics. I would have expected less of it. Unfortunately, I sat in a movie theater and watched this disaster unfold. PG-13 monster flicks are just no good. You can't show off the blood and guts payoff scenes like you should. Most of "The Cave" is shot in near pitch dark conditions. Almost all of the action scenes are hard, if not impossible, to make out. Even when the monster does attack people, the editing looks like it was done in an out of control blender. "The Cave" has nothing to offer. No decent monster scenes and hardly any action. It can be skipped.
Zipperface (1992)
Not enough Zipperface
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
I bought this video for three bucks. The video box cover has a woman in red lingerie lying on her back with a giant picture of a masked Zipperface behind her. The tag line is "The Last Face You'll Ever See!" All of this would lend you to believe that "Zipperface" is an undiscovered sleaze masterpiece. Well, that's what I was thinking when I bought it. How foolish of me. I mean, come on, I paid three bucks for this! Three whole dollars! On this! What did I get for my money? Not much.
When purchasing a movie called "Zipperface", it's not unreasonable to expect to see a guy in an S&M mask ripping and tearing his way through the movie. But "Zipperface" has a big problem: Not enough Zipperface. The masked killer rarely shows his leather bound face. Most of the movie is taken up by bad actors acting badly through drama scenes that no one who paid three bucks cares about. Where's the Zipperface? Are they ashamed of him? Why isn't he around more? I don't know. So instead of Zipperface killing prostitutes as sleazily as possible, we are treated to scenes of the lady cop falling in love with a murder suspect. Zzzzzzzzzz
. In conclusion, I want my three bucks back.
The Exotic House of Wax (1997)
Hot wax on wax
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A hot babe inherits a hot wax museum. She enlists her friends to help her save the dilapidated junk pile. Soon she discovers the building's hidden secret: It's an erotic house of wax! MOO-HA-HA! There's an ancient horny amulet that turns wax figures into carnal creatures. Could this be the solution to her money problems? Could copulating wax people help the museum survive? What a great business strategy! Throw a sex amulet on some wax dummies and let the money pour in.
"The Exotic House of Wax" is not the best skin flick I ever saw but it gets the job done. Josie Hunter is the hot babe who gets her hands on the wax museum and her hands all over one of her guy friends. That was a decent scene. She should have put on the amulet a lot sooner. Most of the scenes with the wax people getting it on were fair. Whenever you hear a cheesy rock guitar crank up, you'll know that wax sex is coming soon. There was one sex scene that worked wonders for me. It involved Jacqueline Lovell, two female wax figures and another woman with large breasts. Let's just say that that was some hot wax friction. "The Exotic House of Wax" is worth watching if you're a Lovell fan.
One last thing, do you think wax figures get turned on by having wax poured on them? One sex scene had a woman pouring hot wax from a burning candle onto an animated wax woman and she squirmed with pleasure. You'd think they'd be sick of wax. It's like pouring an extra layer on them. These are the things I think about. Wax on a wax figure? Sure, why not? She seemed to like it and that's good enough for me.
The Halfway House (2004)
Recommended
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A user on the IMDb recommended this movie to me. I must give off the impression that I'm the kind of guy who would enjoy a woman's prison movie set in a Catholic Halfway House with copious amounts of nudity and a horny one-eyed monster. Well, let me tell you something. I am that kind of guy. This was a good find. I needed to see this. So do you.
"The Halfway House" is a shameless exploitation flick with a little Catholic bashing thrown in. Have no fear. Every actress, with the exception of Mary Woronov, will get naked. A girl gets kidnapped while jogging and her sister leads the fight to find out what happened to her. She goes undercover in the Halfway House to get to the bottom of it. The Halfway House has plenty of bad girls that want to get naked. This works out well because the ancient horny demon in the basement only likes to eat topless women. The house is run by a priest who likes to give out spankings to the misbehaving delinquents and Sister Woronov who applies her own demonic discipline to the unruly ladies.
Yeah, it's all here. When the mass shower scene finally rolled around, I sighed with relief. Now here is a sleazy movie that knows what exploitation fans expect. The thing about "The Halfway House" is that it's sleazy, but not overly so, (at least by my standards). They deliver the goods and then move on. Praise must be given to Stephanie Leighs, who plays "Cherry Pie". She carries a lot of the sex and nudity burden in this one. Thank you Cherry Pie for being so dang tasty. The girl playing Larissa wasn't too bad either. Not bad at all. She got naked a couple of times and those were good times.
Overall, I was very pleased with "The Halfway House". If you're an exploitation fan, you need to see this one. Just don't expect a serious monster/horror movie. The monster in the basement is just another excuse to get more naked women into the movie. It made the monster happy. It'll make you happy too. Sure worked for me.
The Key to Sex (1999)
Maria Ford is the key
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A guy gets the key to his boss's house. It's "The Key to Sex". He's told not to let anyone else know where the key is. The key opens the front door to a huge Malibu monstrosity that drives any woman who steps inside mad with desire. I know I've seen this house in other skin flicks. Was it in "Model Lust"? Not sure. One thing is for sure, the key to sex is to bring the hot women to Malibu and party down in this theme park masquerading as a house.
"The Key to Sex" is a fine, fine skin flick. I was very pleased. Many hot women show up in this one. You've got Monique Parent, Jacqueline Lovell, Jeannie Millar and Maria Ford. Monique Parent is the horny distributor who wants to get cozy with some of the film execs. She has two sex scenes, one in the Malibu fun house and another in an office. She also has a long scene where she's dressed as a French maid and plays around with a guy. The French maid thing doesn't work for me but the sex scenes were all right. Lovell shows up as a stripper. She has a couple of scenes where she expounds on how to strip and a couple of other scenes where she has sex after stripping. All of the Lovell scenes were good. Millar is the large breasted secretary who only has one sex scene. I know, I know. I'm just as sad as you.
But the real selling point with this one is Maria Ford. She has three sex scenes and they're all great! I've only seen Ford in normal, run of the mill B-movies. This was the first time I've seen her in a sex flick. My God man. She is hot, hot, hot! Her scene by the pool with her female friend was awesome. She has a tongue like Gene Simmons. That thing can move. Overall, "The Key to Sex" gives you what you want. It's worth a look. If you're a Maria Ford fan, it's worth a couple of looks.
Charlie's Death Wish (2005)
Phoebe Dollar's Hollywood death wish
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
The southern girl with the funky eyes goes to Hollywood to trash the place and every lowlife hustler in it. Charlie, (Phoebe Dollar), has a problem with Hollywood. The City of Angels has sucked up her innocent sister and spit her out. She died in a mysterious jail house "accident". Dollar wants her revenge on all of the sleaze-bags who had anything to do with the death of her sister. She hits the boulevard of broken dreams armed to the teeth to show Hollywood who's running things. Ron Jeremy shows up as a cop who wants to bring down the mysterious vigilante who's bumping off most of L.A.'s gangsters. He better not get in the way or else he'll burn with the rest of Hollywood.
"Charlie's Death Wish" is an ultra low budget revenge flick with a white hot desire to spit in the face of Hollywood. The very first shot in the movie shows the word Hollywood in big neon lights. So right away they've established that Phoebe's massacre will tear its way through La La Land. Later on, as a couple of bad guys make a move for Dollar, she shoots a billboard over their heads which has the word Hollywood plastered across it. The sign promptly falls on them and breaks into pieces. When Dollar really gets mad, she curses Hollywood, rolls her car over the Hollywood sign cliff, and destroys the first two letters in that famous landmark. As Ron Jeremy says, "She took the HO out of Hollywood."
All of this begs the question, who did Phoebe really want to destroy? The evil people who killed her sister or the deceitful town that spawned them and attracts more porno stars, pimps, dealers and thousands of other daydream believers to Hollywood every single day? You can't destroy Hollywood Phoebe. The lure of fame and fortune is too powerful. Your death wish isn't strong enough to compete with the California dream of limousines, swimming pools, perfect weather, beautiful women and a chance to see and be seen on Sunset Blvd with the movie stars.
"Charlie's Death Wish" has an angry Dollar killing as many people as possible. She gives Charles Bronson, (Charlie/Charles Bronson, get it?), a run for his money in the vigilante dept. Many heads will explode before the movie is over. I enjoyed this exercise in B-movie Hollywood bashing. It moved along and gave Phoebe plenty of chances to blow away lowlifes. Jeremy is a fine actor who gets to show off his acting talents as the cop tracking her down. I'm still a little disappointed that Phoebe Dollar has never gotten naked in any of her flicks. What's up with that? She even goes undercover as a stripper but does not strip. Come on Phoebe. B-movie queens should show a little skin in between cracking skulls. Embrace Hollywood and all it stands for. Don't pick a fight you can't possibly win.
The Beast of Bray Road (2005)
Savage werewolf
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
"The Beast of Bray Road" has all the elements of a successful werewolf flick. It's set in a small town. There are lots of hot women who like to wander off on their own while monsters are prowling around. Speaking of monsters, the werewolf in this one is actually a werewolf, not some sniveling animal. You wouldn't believe how many supposed monster movies pull the classic bait and switch scam. Well, maybe you would. Thankfully, this werewolf is a wild, savage beast who relishes the opportunity to rip and tear through flesh and have a feast on the organs. They even go so far as to make silver bullets to dispatch the monster. I love it when movies stick to the horror legend and don't try to make up some on their own. Add a few scenes of topless women and you have a very entertaining horror movie.
I enjoyed "The Beast of Bray Road" immensely. Every once and awhile I get pleasantly surprised by the straight to video horror market and pull something special out of that barrel. Normally I get heartbroken but this time I was cheering. My friend and I watched this one the other day and we both gave it a standing ovation. "The Beast of Bray Road" reminds me of "Silver Bullet" which also had a werewolf terrorizing a small town. Also like the Gary Busey classic, they keep the identity of the werewolf a secret which is half the fun of these movies. If you're into werewolf flicks, you should check it out.
Hotel Exotica (1998)
Hotel rip-off
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
Ripped off again. The so called "Director's cut" version of "Hotel Exotica" is nothing of the sort unless the director really wanted to sell a tame R-rated version. I know this because I had caught the flick on cable many years ago and I can assure you that there's a lot more to the movie than this. One of the sex scenes I really wanted to see again was the one where Landon Hall's sister and Taylor St. Claire meet in the kitchen for a late night rendezvous. In the cable version, this scene rocked on for a good ten minutes. In the DVD I just saw, the scene ends after less than a minute! Taylor St. Claire sticks a piece of ice in the sister's mouth and that's it. That's it?! Wow! What a rip-off! Do not, under any circumstances, buy the "Director's cut" version of this film.
"Hotel Exotica" is about Landon Hall and her attempts to get her husband interested in her again. They end up at Hotel Exotica with the hopes that sparks will start flying. Her sister tags along and hopes to find something interesting there as well. In the version I saw, nothing interesting is happening at Hotel Exotica. Most of the sex scenes are brief and miss the point. A lot of them have the couples having sex
under the covers! What? That can't be right. Say it isn't so! Who in their right mind films a sex scene with naked bodies hiding under the sheets? "Hotel Exotica" is a complete dud. Don't waste your time.
One last thing, one of the reasons I bought this DVD was because I saw that Nikki Fritz was in it. When I saw the credit flash on the screen, "Featuring Nikki Fritz", I knew I was in trouble. Sure enough, Fritz is on the screen for about 20 seconds. It looked like a Fritz clip from some other movie was pasted onto this one. This Fritz deception elevates "Hotel Exotica" to shameless rip-off level. Avoid this hotel at all costs.
Kill the Scream Queen (2004)
Sleazy scream queen massacre
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
A maniac kills women for his snuff movie. All of the women are wannabe actresses who can't wait to be tied up and humiliated in the name of entertainment. The maniac, (Bill Zebub), can't wait to accommodate them. He's a talkative kind of killer. He likes to articulate everything he's going to do to his victims. It kind of takes the suspense away when every nasty move is spelled out ahead of time. Zebub says he wants to shock the horror world by killing the useless scream queens that are ruining horror by taking their tops off and screaming on cue. "Kill the Scream Queen" is an attempt to get back to basic exploitative horror by cutting out all of the fluff and getting down to it.
This is an interesting sleaze fest. Zebub strikes me as the kind of filmmaker who takes his horror movies very seriously. In "Kill the Scream Queen" he goes off on many tangents as to why recent horror has been diluted with a bunch of weak flicks, particularly ones that have scream queens. Of course I must disagree vehemently with this blasphemy. Scream queens are great. Why would anyone want to kill them? Of course Zebub exposes his hypocrisy by having naked women in almost every second of his movie and they're usually screaming. Horror movies need scream queens. Where would we be today if Jamie Lee Curtis hadn't screamed her head off in "Halloween"? Women will be screaming in horror movies until the end of time. Don't fight it.
In "Kill the Scream Queen", women walk into an abandoned bar, get tied up, usually get a big, red rubber ball shoved in their mouth and are promptly either raped or killed. But this flick is not just about tying women up, humiliating them and then killing them. Oh no. It's much more than that. Well, not much more. It's also about Zebub trying to bring real porno sleaze back into horror so that he can shock the jaded horror fans. He makes a good run at it. But it's still the same old problem that haunts most B-movies: Bad acting, unconvincing effects, etc. I wasn't shocked by any of the scenes although the exploitation level on this one is over the top. If you're looking for some pure B-movie sleaze, this one will work for you.
Bloody Tease (2004)
Bloody waste of time
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
"Bloody Tease" is a complete waste of time. There's just something about vampire strippers who don't strip that rubs me the wrong way. Three guys head to a strip club and run into vampire strippers. That's pretty much all there is to "Bloody Tease". The rest of the movie consists of partying down scenes as the guys try to persuade the strippers to finally take off some clothes back at their pad.
This movie is obscenely pointless. There's nothing here. I think the movie was thrown together with the idea that they'll film the guys making out with some hot women and somehow build a movie around that. All of the stripping scenes have absolutely no stripping in them! Not one single item of clothing falls off of any of the strippers! I found it hard to believe that the guys were having a great time when the women were half asleep and fully clothed. If I was at that strip club, I would have demanded my money back. In fact, I feel like demanding my money back right now.
Two of the vampire strippers finally get naked back at the swinging college pad but it's too late to save "Bloody Tease". If you're going to promise sleaze, deliver sleaze. "Bloody Tease" is certainly a tease. It promises you a good time with some hot vamps but gives you nothing but bad acting, a meaningless plot, mediocre gore effects and various other things that have nothing to do with a female vampire taking her clothes off.
Click: Balls of Thunder (1997)
Babes of Steele
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
Rod Steele needs to save the world, B-movie style. Bad things are going on somewhere and Steele is on the case. The evil Tangerina is trying to kidnap powerful men so she can create clones from all of their powerful sperm. On a side note, Steele accidentally gets his hands on a remote control device that causes people to get horny. You hit click and its orgasm time. This device really comes in handy as a parade of hot babes always seems to be hanging around Steele.
"Rod Steele 0014" is a fine comedic sex flick. I enjoyed it immensely. I wasn't sure what kind of tone this movie was going to set when I rented it. Was it going to be more of a comedy or stick to being a skin flick? The good news is that "Rod Steele 0014" is able to pull off being both funny and sexy. Not only were the sex scenes good, but the movie kept me laughing. It's definitely worth a look.
One thing that is certainly impressive about "Rod Steele 0014" is the number of babes they've managed to stuff into this flick. James Bond would be impressed, if not embarrassed by the amount of hot women Steele hangs around with in one movie. Here's a short list: Kira Reed, Jacqueline Lovell, Michelle Bauer, Gabriella Hall, Delphine Pacific, De Ann Power and many more. Lovell shows up in a leather jumpsuit to take Steele out but luckily his orgasmic remote control saves the day. He also manages to send a horny wave through the telephone which gets Kira Reed excited. Bauer shows up as the madam of a brothel but does not get naked. He should have zapped her with his horny clicker.
But of all the babes, I really liked De Ann Power who plays the evil Tangerina. Every time we see her, she is emulating some famous female celebrity pose: Demi Moore's painted body, Janet Jackson's album cover, etc. At the end of the movie, Steele uses his clicker to send a room full of people over the edge and De Ann is right in the middle of it. This was a fine, fine orgy scene. Thanks goes to Rod Steele for saving the day with his clicker of power.
One last thing, you have to watch the unrated version of this one. You'll know that the unrated version is different because a lot of the sex scenes switch from video to even cheaper looking video. When you see the change, you'll know that good times lay ahead.