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Desdecardo78
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Deo mun (2023)
1-2 stars are just as bad as 9-10. Decent effects wasted on dumb drama.
First, I'm suspect of those abject stars on here. Both either didn't watch the movie or are bots.
The acting is a little above mediocre. The action manages to keep your attention. The effects are pretty decent. Not much to complain about besides the drama tacked on to stretch a runtime and give more screentime to a Korean idol. That created the occasional cringe moment. It doesn't ruin the plot or story though. Just something American audiences aren't familiar with so they don't understand this mugging they do in Korean AAA movies.
This really needed a big screen viewing to completely grasp the scope of the movie. I felt like I was loosing part of the visuals on television and this movie relies on them.
Overall, an average movie but above average fo Korean Cinema. It's a popcorn fodder sci-fi beast so that doesn't matter that much.
Clown (2019)
Not worth it by even The Asylum's usual standards.
I am going through and watching every The Asylum movie and came to this monstrosity. It really isn't worth it. I was left asking "Why?" Way to often since it lacked any rhyme or reason for anything that was happening.
I know it's a movie by The Asylum. Just can't expect much out of them and their meat grinder movies. From the beginning I was confused to the very end.
I couldn't understand what the people's motivation was at the beginning. It made no sense. Then everything progressively spiraled till the end and at that time you will probably give up and let the movie be background noise while you clean your shower's grout.
Just avoid this. I enjoy most of The Asylum's gems. They can be so goofy that they become jokes. This had no humour in it. I used to be afraid of clowns and know the just make me question reality and why The Asylum even bothered with this mess.
100 Million BC (2008)
The must watch pinnacle of awesomely terrible movies.
There is not a moment that this movie doesn't leave you slack jawed or face palming. Even by other Asylum movies the anachronisms is all over the place.
Weapons from wrong periods. Incredibly and foolishly unprepared military firing Airsoft riffles. Dinos that have to ability to bend space time by disappearing and reappearing at random. Also, the navy seals were incredibly inept.
It is just one giant silly mess. Good for a very long series of mocking laughter and comments. Don't get me wrong. This is a terrible movie. Just have to approach it with the mockery of cinema it is and bask in its glorious shame. All I can say is that at least it's not I Am Omega. I'm marking this as containing spoilers but I'm not sure but best to be safe.
Fahrenheit 451 (2018)
It's a shame.
That through telling a modern telling of this, they have to perpetuate the exact warning this story warns us against.
They sensor and manipulate a story to tell their own message.
It's shameful and freightening. Shame on HBO for sensoring a book specifically about communistic and progressive sensoring and manipulation of literature and knowledge to further the power and control of the people.
They had one job and failed at it.
The Last House on the Left (1972)
Ground breaking and almost entirely unwatchable.
The entire of the vicious and barbaric forest rape and barbaric hunting scene which can be entirely cut out and you would have the same affect for the plot and flow of the movie and the end twist.
About 30 minutes of this movie puts any other slasher/goreflick to shame. Nothing about that forest scene says good cinema or will leave you with any feelings besides a piece of your soul leaving.
It puts the incredibly painful, once in a life, watching of the squeal like a pig scene from Deliverance to shame.
Besides that large chunk of the movie. Wes Craven tells a good story. Except he wanted to sicken people just to see how far he could go. He may have used some bull reason that it was an allegory for Vietnam. That's bull though. This was just schlock gore trying to see how far he could get away with.
Finding a cut version (there are tons out there... It still can't be shown with the whole forest scene in most regions on the planet almost 50 years later) if you want to watch it. You won't miss anything to the story.
Amy Schumer: The Leather Special (2017)
Amy, you made a stinker, own up and move on.
I didn't want to watch this all the way through. Felt like I had to just to see what all the buzz was about.
I watched about 10 minutes when it first came out and switched to something else. It was boring and uninspired. Her jokes were over the top laugh grabs. The audience didn't seem like they wanted to be there.
So I turned it off.
After hearing that Amy had blamed the alt right for one star reviews, I managed to complete it. I felt bad for Amy. It was such a bomb.
Jokes were dry. Scripted pauses (I'm guessing they were scripted) for laughter and applause went silent or weak. I did chuckle maybe two times.
She just tried to hard. I felt like she was trying to get over the whole joke stealing karma and trying to make the most explosive special she could do and failed doing it.
Except she can't take responsibility for her mess. Her politics led to these idiots on the far right to have the best food possible to attack.
This isn't worth it and I wish I didn't have Any sweltering like a side of beef in it's leather skin staring at me in Netflix.
Amy, take responsibility for this stinker and move on. Ignore the alt right. They didn't ruin this, you did. Own up to it and play on it and you'll be all right.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Why I am not watching this movie.
1- It is a remake. Modern remakes of classic horror stink.
2- The advertising campaign is horrid. I have received 100 bulletin posts on myspace complaining about how every open space on myspace.com is filled with bad clips, sounds, confusingly worded text, and odd pictures that just make people mad.
3- Did I say it was a remake? Go see something worth your time. Like maybe watch the grass grow? That might work. Or watch the original? THought about that? Stay away from remakes and maybe studios might realize that they need to find original material to scare us with.
Sorry it is so brutal. It needs to be. Don't listen to those who give these movies "rave" reviews. Most are writers for studios or those who do not see the art in a good fright flick. I am giving this the same rating as the one I gave to the original.
Road House (1989)
Man...how in the world can cinema recover from this?
It is awful. It is like taking a movie like '"Manos" Hands of Fate' and giving it a $10,000,000 make over. Then adding star power just to ruin their acting careers. It is an a-typical "B" Movie. Mediocre acting. Impossible plot line. I tried to follow it but I kept having to turn away from making some snide remark or "riffing" the living daylights out of it. No one that has seen it can say a kind word about it. It is unfortunate that it was made because a lot of promising careers where hemmed in after this picture was finished. Sometimes I am glad for good cinema like "Good Night, and Good Luck" that can redeem what movies such as "Road House" does to society. I just don't understand giving a 4 or a 5 rating on a "B" movie. Thats why I gave it a 1. I wish they had decimals because it would have received probably a 0.0002 or something along those regards.
Monster a Go-Go (1965)
Engh...
Why was this titled "Monster a-Go-Go"? Was anyone else confused by the ending? What happened exactly? Where did the monster go? Was he a monster? Why was there so many scenes with complete darkness and all you could hear where men running? Why where there scenes that made no sense to the plot? How come there was a narrator? Now was each mangling more terrible than the last? The dead people seemed to be sort of resting peacefully when they showed them. They didn't seem to be mangled that bad. Why was the capsule that the astronaut was supposedly in, so tiny? What was up with the LOUD PHONES!? Did anyone catch the phone noise that was obviously done by someone's voice? How come when ever they shot at the monster they where shooting in the air but it seemed to sort of hit the monster? Why did they end it with the monster disappearing? Why! It just didn't make sense. At least "Manos" Hands of Fate is funny to watch on its own for just its all around poor production quality. This one was just bad. Just was pure pain.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
So bad its good.
I recommend only watching the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version. The original is so stinky and smelly it is so...well... "It makes my prostrate weak and my bowels are full to bursting" Not only is the script comprised of well idiocy. It doesn't make sense. The whole thing didn't make sense. My head hurts so badly. I cant think anymore... Why was this movie made? Why!?!?! Seriously, only watch the MST3K version otherwise you will waste your time. They make it hilarious. Their silly banter and sarcasm makes it actually fun to watch. Why was this movie made again? What bet was made to make this movie? Did someone ever take this movie seriously?
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Was not impressed.
I went against the advice of my fiancé and other's around me. I didn't really like the idea of this movie. I just had to see a movie that was "Good" enough to receive 8 Oscar nods.
I was disappointed. I felt like I wasted money on a political movie that had no entertainment value what so ever.
Numerous years ago I walked out of Interview with a Vampire asking for a refund. I came really close to walking out of this movie. People say that Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal where brilliant. I found that both actors where on par when compared to their previous works which where not that great.
There is not an ounce of quality to Brokeback Mountain. This movie is pure hype. Movies like this have come and gone and slowly fade away once the hype wears off. It might win an academy award if it does, it won't matter. It's a par movie that has massive political motives behind it.
People get tired of movies like this. I hope the academy sees through the political hype. Good Night, and Good Luck is a far superior movie and is probably going to get passed over for this average movie.
Stay away; it's not worth the hype.
King Kong (2005)
Wow...I should have spent my money on lets see...ear wax
I came into the movie thinking that it would be worth the 3 some odd hours after some Christmas shopping.
Well, Jack Black was unbelievable. Along with everyone in the cast besides Naomi Watts and Andy Serkis (Aka King Kong and Gollum). Unfortunaly, Andy Serkis played a 65foot Gorilla.
The only fun parts of the movie is when we found ourselves lost on Skull Island. Bugs, dinosaurs, Kong laughing, powerful. But insert an odd assortment of actors who seemed to be reading from cue cards without emotion the whole movie just ummm stunk.
The only reason why people went and are still going to this movie is because of affects or effects probably a mixture of both.
Peter Jackson spent too much time on this treatment of the classic King Kong. Sure it was better than the 70s Kong movie and home videos I produced of my cat flying over a matte and blue screen city of San Francisco where better than Kong Lives. Still, some one take the camera away from Peter Jackson before he remakes Ben Hur and makes it a 6 hour epic of sleep and energy depravity just like his last 4 ventures.
We need a petition to stop Peter Jackson from making movies over 2 hours. King Kong was enough. I couldn't walk after trying to leave the theatre. My legs, and butt where completely numb. I should have spent the hours on something productive like identifying various breeds of ear wax.
Cherez ternii k zvyozdam (1981)
One of cheesiest Sandy Frank Imports
Unfortunately, for Sandy Frank, I have only seen his movies via MST3K. Now that MST3K is gone it looks like he hasn't really done anything. Or I really don't like watching them without the MST3K comments.
This movie is proof of it. It stinks. There was a reason why this movie never, naturally, was released to the United States.
It was just like every other poorly written, directed, dubbed, edited, etc movie of its day. Instead of seeing it via, SciFi, eventually, we have this travesty.
There isn't much to say about it since if you want to watch it you should never watch it without the MST3K. It is like pizza sauce on a pizza. Its not a pizza without it.
Santa Claus (1959)
So bad its good (as MST3K puts it..."Santa's Laugh Mocks the poor!")
The NSA, CIA, FBI, FSB and all other snoop agency in the world should watch this movie to gain information as to how to spy on people. (as MST3k Commentary states it..."Sanata has the dirt on every! Santa's Tentacles reach far and wide! There is no hiding from the Klaus Organization")
From telescopes that can spy over millions of miles to ears that can hear everything. Its amazing that the CIA doesn't have Santa on the payroll.
Satan's dance routine is hilarious. Pitch...he is so useless.
The cheese factor in of this movie is tremendous. Very low budget but so fun to watch. I recommend watching the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version for even more laughs.
You even get a laugh at the missfortune of the good kids.
I give this a 1 for production quality and a 10 for pure cheese and fun factor.
Soultaker (1990)
Not a bad movie
I have seen both the MST3K version and the uncut version. I rather enjoyed it. Either way, it wasn't that bad of a movie. Sure it moved a bit slow at times. I liked it.
As far as MST3K goes, they only did the movies they could get the rights for. Not all the movies they ripped apart where bad movies, it was just so easy to make fun of them. Take SoulTaker for example.
Joe Estevez and Robert Z'Dar's characters where so inanimate and boringly silly I couldn't help but laugh. I couldn't take them seriously. It really created a unique feeling though.
Vivian Schilling did an excellent job with the script. A world better than 95% of the garbage in the theatres today. Her role was played well. Not too screamy not to masculine but just right. The camera really likes her in this movie. I would have casted her in that role after ready the script.
Anyways, this movie deserves a bit more credit than it is given. Please watch the uncut version if you see the MST3K. It deserves that much.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)
Refreshing return to the original franchise
Crisp editing, perfect plot and great special effects lead up to a near perfect movie by Mr. Lucas.
Staying awake at 2 a.m. was not a problem with the non stop action and well scripted romance scenes. In other words, the plot was addictive.
The greatest aspect of Episode II was the cinematography. Genius was at work during the last light saber duel as Mr. Skywalker and Count Dooku twirled and slashed with their sabers in minimal lighting. Just the contrast of the colors against the seemingly black backdrop was breath taking.
The only draw back to this epic film was the inclusion of Jar-Jar Binks, the wayward Gungan. His irritating presence ruined the 5 minutes of the film he was in.
If you are into adventure and the SCI-FI genre (as always the Star Wars franchise) watch this movie. Even the love scenes worked with the plot.
Go see this movie...
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
This movie was for people that understood Star Wars
I am so sick and tired of people giving this movie a bad rap. Artisticaly it was incrediable. No one has done what George Lucas did before.
The plot line was excellent. If you were a Star Wars freak not knowing what actually happens in the Star Wars Universe you would have been confused.
Those people should not have watched this movie. This movie put so many pieces together that I came out with a greater understanding of the characters of Episode 4: ANH.
To give this movie a horriable rating you should go back and watch it again. You will understand it more and you will begin to appreciate what ILM did in this movie.