Reviews
Spider-Man (2002)
I liked it! ... I think.
Okay, I won?t lie and pretend I didn?t enjoy the film, but I want to know why Hollywood always insists on wreaking things with unnecessary changes whenever they make superhero movies. Bat-Man?s parents being killed by the joker, Rogue being a teenager, Super-Man having ?Rebuilding The Great Wall of China vision? in ?Superman 4: The Quest for Peace?. Here in Spider-Man the major problems for me were having Spider-man grow spinnerets in his wrists instead of inventing web shooters, having him stick to the walls with tiny cilia on his hands instead of molecular bonding and having him bit by a genetically engineered spider not one that was bombarded with radiation. Don?t they know the song ?Is he strong? Listen Bud, he?s got radioactive blood!? There are a few other things I take issue with but all in all I thought it captured most of the experience nicely. I was worried that Spidey and the Goblin would not display any real signs of super strength like on every cartoon version of Spider-Man ever made where he seems to be significantly weaker than he is in the comics. Instead their battles were some of the best super human fights since ?Superman 2?. Anyway here?s my prediction for Spider-Man 2 or 3? Believing audiences won?t want to see the Green Goblin twice they are going to make Harry become Hobgoblin which would be stupid. Hopefully they won?t do this but instead they will do a mystery in which the audience thinks Harry is the Hobgoblin and then it turns out he isn?t and Hobgoblin is really Ned Leeds, or Jason Macandale or that other guy that he ended up being? that?s what they should do but they won?t? Harry will be Hobgoblin? you read it here first. Anyway despite my irrelevant predictions and stupid complaints it was still the greatest Marvel movie every made unless you count Eddie Murphy?s ?Coming to America? which was clearly the story of the Black Panther. I also like the subtle references to Robot-Master and Johnny Quest. I think I also saw Stan Lee in a crowd scene though I?m not sure? I think this calls for a second viewing.
Zoolander (2001)
`The Best Original comedy in years.'
Derek Zoolander (Stiller) is the worlds top male model and dumber than a half empty jar of baby-food. In fact Derek may be both the stupidest and best looking man on the planet if not for his only rival: extreme-dude/Hippie-Male Model, Hansel (Owen Wilson). The two pretty-boys must put aside their bitter rivalry and team up with sexy girl reporter Matilda Jeffries (Chritine Taylor
that's the girl who played Marsha in the Brady Bunch movies) to foil an assassination conspiracy headed up by the international fashion industry and their deadliest operative the evil designer Jacobim Mugatu (Pronounced Jacobeem Moogatoo) played by the funniest being to exist in this universe or any other, SNL's own bellowing, infinite wellspring of hilarity Will Ferrell (Pronounced exactly how it sounds.)
Zoolander has the same kind of highly visual, campy feel of Austin Powers. Where as Powers zinged 60's style Zoolander mocks contemporary fashion culture. The getups in Zoolander make the costumes from Bat-Man and Robin look like the wardrobe of somebody's conservative 1950's Dad. In a day in age where Hollyrock (sorry I mean Hollywood
I forgot I'm not a Flintstone) gives us one lame rip off after another Zoolander proves refreshingly original. Case in point, how many films are bold enough to have a group of male models accidentally blow themselves up while having a semi-homo-erotic gasoline fight at a service station to the hit 1980's Wham song `Wake Me Up For You Go Go?' That might have sounded confusing but trust me it's pretty inexplicable when you see it in the movie too. But it's weird stuff like that that makes Zoolander a laugh per nanosecond. And here's fair warning when the Hypnosis scene starts put down your refreshing coca-cola (or is it Pepsi that owns our school?) because you'll laugh so hard that your generic soft drink won't just shoot out of your nostrils but every single orifice in your body! Of course the same warning could apply to Male Model `Walk off' duel, Derek's romp through the coal mines and basically every time Stiller, Ferrell or Wilson are on screen. I couldn't endorse this movie anymore without having to get a full body tattoo of the films entire story board.. but (to quote Levar Burton's famous `Reading Rainbow' line)
`don't take my word for it'
hear what people sort of just like you had to say
- `The Best Original comedy in years.'
- `I'm like totally going to buy the sound track.' (She was right the track rocks.)
Zoolander (2001)
`The Best Original comedy in years.'
Derek Zoolander (Stiller) is the worlds top male model and dumber than a half empty jar of baby-food. In fact Derek may be both the stupidest and best looking man on the planet if not for his only rival: extreme-dude/Hippie-Male Model, Hansel (Owen Wilson). The two pretty-boys must put aside their bitter rivalry and team up with sexy girl reporter Matilda Jeffries (Chritine Taylor
that's the girl who played Marsha in the Brady Bunch movies) to foil an assassination conspiracy headed up by the international fashion industry and their deadliest operative the evil designer Jacobim Mugatu (Pronounced Jacobeem Moogatoo) played by the funniest being to exist in this universe or any other, SNL's own bellowing, infinite wellspring of hilarity Will Ferrell (Pronounced exactly how it sounds.)
Zoolander has the same kind of highly visual, campy feel of Austin Powers. Where as Powers zinged 60's style Zoolander mocks contemporary fashion culture. The getups in Zoolander make the costumes from Bat-Man and Robin look like the wardrobe of somebody's conservative 1950's Dad. In a day in age where Hollyrock (sorry I mean Hollywood
I forgot I'm not a Flintstone) gives us one lame rip off after another Zoolander proves refreshingly original. Case in point, how many films are bold enough to have a group of male models accidentally blow themselves up while having a semi-homo-erotic gasoline fight at a service station to the hit 1980's Wham song `Wake Me Up For You Go Go?' That might have sounded confusing but trust me it's pretty inexplicable when you see it in the movie too. But it's weird stuff like that that makes Zoolander a laugh per nanosecond. And here's fair warning when the Hypnosis scene starts put down your refreshing coca-cola (or is it Pepsi that owns our school?) because you'll laugh so hard that your generic soft drink won't just shoot out of your nostrils but every single orifice in your body! Of course the same warning could apply to Male Model `Walk off' duel, Derek's romp through the coal mines and basically every time Stiller, Ferrell or Wilson are on screen. I couldn't endorse this movie anymore without having to get a full body tattoo of the films entire story board.. but (to quote Levar Burton's famous `Reading Rainbow' line)
`don't take my word for it'
hear what people sort of just like you had to say
- `The Best Original comedy in years.'
- `I'm like totally going to buy the sound track.' (She was right the track rocks.)
American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)
Go Ninja Go Ninja (Man I'm a lame-o)
There was once a day when non-ironic movies about a ninja battling an army of genetically altered, cyberneticly enhanced super ninja's, who were really brain washed marines controlled by an evil drug king pin could still get into theater. Seeing as how that last sentence was sloppy and made next to no sense I shall endeavor to explain the plot. The American Ninja and his commando friend Curtis "The Power House" Jackson show up on an island where marines are disappearing. I turns out an evil drug lord has commissioned a scientist to turn these marines into a force of mindless super ninjas. The American Ninja and Curt must end this cavalcade of evil by... you guessed it Kicking Ass!! The American Ninja series is famous (wait don't laugh let me finish the sentence) for employing sword slashing that is so fake looking it seems realistic... go figure that out. It is a real shame Steve James (Curt) passed away because the American Ninja series really suffered after he left. His absence is really what stopped American Ninja 4 the best. Taking in mind I haven't seen number 5.
Note I have abandoned my short lived system of movie reviewing because I am lazy.
American Samurai (1992)
The Second Best American Japanese Warrior in Cinema!!!
American Samurai fits into a genre of cinema that enjoyed far to short lived a success, that being the underground, martial arts death tournament film. Films like this enjoyed a great boom in the eighties and early nineties and arguably were the influences for the modern fighting tournament games such as Street Fighter 2 and the like. Some other films of this genre are "Ring of Steel", "Best of the Best 2", "Blood Fist 2" and perhaps one of the last of these magnificent creatures to appear in theater; John Claude VanDam's "The Quest"... unless of course you count the more recent "Fight Club", which you shouldn't because it's not about underground martial arts guys that fight but just normal guys and that isn't the main plot of the film anyway really. As evident from the title this film also belongs to the school of sticking the word American in front of stuff IE: American Ninja's 1 through 4, American Ronin and American Cyborg. this usually means you have an instant classic on your hands. Anyway what really makes the film shine is the cast of characters. American Samurai offers more weird fighters than any other film of the genre that I have yet seen. If nothing else it would make a great video game. I will attempt to catalogue the assortment of fighters in the style of a badly translated Nintendo instruction booklet.
- The American Samurai: A warrior of much honor though American, trained by master Samurai in Mountains of Japan. Master of Sword and peaceful of heart but strong to win. Entered tournament to reclaim family sword from evil brother.
- His Yakuza Samurai Brother: Adoptive brother of American Samurai and son of Master Samurai. Strong fighter but gangster with no honor or mercy too.
- The Bowie Knife Cowboy: American fighter, fast with knife although quite stupid. Fights in tournament for much cash prizes and honor.
- African Master of the Quarter Staff: Not much known about this fighter. likes to strike poses with his staff weapon.
- Pirate Swordsman: A much feared prate from the coast of far off lands. Wears eye patch but is still dangerous.
- The Deadly Braid: Much like fighter in "Best of the Best 2" he fights with sharp implement tied to his long braid of hair. Born in China he possess much fighting spirit.
- Chinese Axe Spear Guy: Second warrior from china and master of martial arts axe spear technique. Fast warrior but uses much energy in attacks.
- Conan the Barbarian Guy: Former stunt man of lame 80's European sword and sorcery/caveman movie genre gone renegade. Now looks for new career wielding broadsword for money and glory in tournament.
- Nordic, Viking, Berserker Type: Crazy Horned warrior from Sweden. Attacks fierce with axe.
- Weird-ass, Klingon Sword Looking Thing Wielding Guy: Warrior killed by Evil Yakuza Brother. Fought with weird-ass star trek, alien weapon things.
I know there wear a few guys I've forgotten too. Oh yeah this film also features John Fujioka playing the Japanese martial arts master who raises and trains our hero upon finding him stranded in his infancy. This is the exact same role he played in American Ninja. "I only play old Japanese Guys that find American babies and raise them to be martial arts masters". Now that's over specific type casting if you ask me. Anyway the film is also peppered with blindfolded swordsman training sequences, lots of crazy fighting and flash backs to really bad wise old sensei advice. In short this movie rocks. There should be more films like this. I'd comment on the film's success at creating one of the most awkward romantic subplots ever but I think I've run out of space. See it yourself.
Jack of All Trades (2000)
It's About Time!!
The Plot overview here isn't entirely correct. It is the early 19th century when "Jack of All Trades" takes place and he is an American agent working with Emilia, a British agent, against the evil Imperialist forces of Napoleon. "J.O.A.T" has almost everything that one could demand in a TV show, swashbuckling, sword fighting, action, early 19th century hotties and a super hero (That's right Jack (already a secret agent) gets to have a mask wearing dual identity, called the Dragoon), and most importantly it stars Bruce Campbell. Jack also has something else that most shows have been lacking these last few years, that being a rocking, rollicking theme song. The song is sung by dancing Pirates, Bar Maids and Revolutionary Soldiers as well as a singing parrot. Jack himself is the perfect hero for Bruce Campbell to play, described as a "Scoundrel with a Heart" by the theme. Jack is like a fusion between James Bond, the Scarlet Pimpernel (except not as fopish), Zorro and most importantly now Ash. The only shame is that unlike it's older siblings "Hercules" and "Xena", "Jack of All Trades is only half and hour long. Oh well maybe this will draw in people with short attention spans.
The Transformers: The Movie (1986)
AND NOW LIGHT OUR DARKEST HOUR!!!
I haven't seen "Pokemon: The First Movie". I haven't even really ever seen an episode of Pokemon at all, but I can say without fear of hyperbole that "Transformers: The Movie" is the greatest film ever based on a line of toys (and that includes video games). Not only that, I'd go as far as to put it into the highly honoured and sought after category of one of the top 20 greatest films I've ever seen... and it doesn't even feature John Rhys Davies or Bruce Campbell. I've always held that the addition of a robot (especially a giant one) can help any film... all the characters but 2 in this film are giant robots!
Sure he's ripped of from both the death star and a monster Brianiac built in an early 80's Super-Man comic, but Unicron the devil figure' in this film has got to be one of the greatest villains ever in the history of film. He's a robotic planet played by the acclaimed Orson Wells in his last and greatest role. The opening scene in "Transformers" has got to be one of the most hard hitting in film history. In opens in the dead silence of space. We hear this blood chilling theme and from afar we see a giant mechanical planet race past these two suns. Then we see this other planet inhabited by happy, peace loving robots. Suddenly their world begins to shake and the giant robo-planet appears in the heavens above them, and then it proceeds to devour their world. I guess what ever comity it is the regulates violence in film didn't think seeing robots killed would faze children much. I guess they didn't realize that these robots were very real and very human to the children that watched the Transformers show. Eight of the mane characters from the shows first season are all brutally killed with in the first 30 minutes of the film. In fact Transformers probably has a higher death tole than any other children's movie. When I saw transformers in theatre I was 7 years old and could distinguish between reality and fiction, I believed in the after life and also went to see the movie with my Dad so I wasn't really left an emotional wreck, (though I was rather upset with the death of Optimus Prime) but I have a friend who was actually left emotionally scared by the film for several years.
Of corse the movie isn't all doom and gloom, it features one the greatest "good turning the tides of battle against evil" endings of all time. Very few moments are as uplifting to me as the moment Roddimus Prime says "This is the End of the Road Galvitron!" and then proceeds to bestow a holy beating on the Decepticon leader. As we all rock out to the amazing sound track "The Touch" by Vince(Rocky 4)DiCola. "YOU CANNOT, DESTROY ME!! YOU CANNOT DESTROY MY DESTINEEEEEEGHH!!!" Yeah right Unicron, kiss my shiny, robot ass! So much of what makes this film great is the amazing sound track, with cool songs like the "Extended Transformers Theme," Weird Al's "Dare To Be Stupid" and the action song "The Touch", that Dirk Diggler sings in "Boogie Nights". Anyway though there are a few holes in the plot at some points, it's still one of the greatest films of all time and I'd put it up against "Titanic" any day.
Each category is rated out of 10. The Cool lines rating is based on quality not the quantity of cool lines. For instance one really cool line in a movie that otherwise has none might get the film a 6 in the Cool Lines rating.
Cool Lines: 10 Story: 8 Hero/Heros: 10 Villain/Villains: 10 Rockingness: 11 Begging Scene: 10 Ending Scene: 10
Moral/Morals: One day an Autobot shall rise from our ranks and use the power of the matrix to light our darkest hour. Also: Big robots eat little robots for breakfast. Also: Grimlock kicks ass!
Army of Darkness (1992)
SWALLOW THIS!!!
There is very little I can say that fans around the world haven't already said about "Army of Darkness". I had been told about it by a friend, but he didn't tell me it was a comedy and explained it to me very badly, so I thought little of it at the time. It wasn't until a few years latter that I went through a horror film renting faze with another friend of mine that I bothered to rent Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. Never before or since have I cheered a laughed more at a movie than I did will watching Army of Darkness. Bruce Campbell and the Rami Bros create a story forces you to stand up and cheer. Every movie I have a rented since has been as a pale attempt to recapture the sheer amazing experience that was my first viewing of this magnificent film. Bruce Campbell's Ash delivers more superhumanly cool action lines in this one film then Arnold, Sly and Bruce have ever done in all there films put together. So many films (and video-games) have tried to replicate a character as awesome as Ash and all have never stacked up to the original swashbuckling, chainsaw handed, Deadite crushing, ultra rapid shot gun reloading, hot babe kissing, gauntlet fisted, sword swinging, spear slinging, time travelling, no nonsense super hero that vanquished the Army of Darkness. HAIL TO THE KING BABY!!! (PS: If Mr. Campbell should by any chance read this, good luck with "Jack of All Trades". Unless I die or get my eyes ripped out I'll be watching ever episode.)
Each category is rated out of 10. The Cool lines rating is based on quality not the quantity of cool lines. For instance one really cool line in a movie that otherwise has none might get the film a 6 in the Cool Lines rating.
Cool Lines: 9999999999!! Story: 10 Hero/Heros: 10 Villain/Villains: 8 Rockingness: 10 Begging Scene: 10 Ending Scene: 99999999999999!!
Moral/Morals: In any era through out history, Ash kicks ass and is always the King!
Innerspace (1987)
JACK PUTTER TO THE RESCUE!!!
One of my all time favourite films. I still kick myself for not going to see it in theatre. (Kicks self) Ow... I did it again. Anyway, Inner Space tells the story of Jack Putter (Martin Short), a hypochondriac human door-mat of a supermarket clerk and Tuck Pendelton (Dennis Quaid) a brash, ass kicking, drunk of an air force piolet. Tuck volunteers to have himself shrunk to tiny size in a "Fantastic Voyage-esque experiment, by which he and his tiny sub will be injected into a rabbit. Instead a group of corporate criminals attempt to steel Tuck to obtain the secret to miniaturization technology so they can sell it to foreign powers. One of the scientists who works on the project manages to escape with the micro sized tuck and ends up injecting him into Martin Short. When Tuck discovers he's inside a neurotic grocery clerk instead of a rabbit he attempts to communicate with his host. Thinking his nuts, or demon possessed Short freaks out as only he can. Soon Jack comes to realize that he really does have a tiny man inside him. With the internal coaching of Lt Pendelton and the help of Tuck's girl friend (Played by Quaid's real life wife Meg Ryan) Jack Putter must overcome both the corporate crooks and his own fears. Unlike so many films "Innerspace" has no aspects that seem unnecessary, or grow tiresome. The film is peppered with great characters like the Cow Boy, a foreign weapons dealer that acts like character from a bad western and Mr. Iago a silent, James Bond-esque assign with a series of deadly tools in place of his hand. The Romantic Subplot between Meg and Dennis is also nice. Another big draw is the rock'n sound track. The film uses various songs by the late great Sam Cook. The capper being the ultra danceable theme "Twist'n The Night Away." What makes the film really great is the story of Jack putter being able to over come his status as a nobody and be transformed into a hero, it's really quite touching especially for anyone who considers himself the underdog, (IE: Just about every body). This makes "Innerspace" the second greatest film about a supermarket clerk rising to greatness. The film ends with Meg and Dennis getting hitched with Short as their best man. Following this Short quits his job at the grocery store an drives off into the sunset to yet another adventure to the rock'n beat of "Twist'n the Night Away" as sung by rod Stewart. YEAH!!!
And now I present my brand new movie rating system. Each category is rated out of 10.
Cool Lines: 7 Story: 9 Hero/Heros: 7 Villain/Villains: 7 Rockingness: 10 Begging Scene: 6 Ending Scene: 10
Moral/Morals: Believe in yourself and you can save the day, especially if you have a tiny military piolet inside you who can stimulate your adrenal levels, giving you super strength and constantly tell you that you're an ass kicking machine .
Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989)
"Is there a Phantom of Mall?" Folks are bound to ask! "Is He the Phantom of them all, or just some Retard in a broken Hockey Mask!"
Though I suppose it would be well possible to make a better movie about a shopping mall version of the Phantom of the opera, to the best of my knowledge no one ever has. Unless you count "Gremlins 2: The New Batch", on account of the fact that it featured a Phantom themed Gremlin. I don't count this though, so let's move on. Not only is "P.O.M" (as I shall now call it) the best movie ever to place the Phantom in a mall, but it is also the greatest (IE: only tolerable) Polly Shore movie ever made. This movie being made in 1988 before Polly Shore was famous enough to be allowed to act like Polly Shore in a film. Another nice touch is the fact that the front doors of the Mall are labelled "Mall Entrance." Really I though they were the entrance to something other than the building they're attached to like the magical world Narnia or something. Anyway the real draw of this film is it awesome musical theme. It's reminiscent of a better day when almost all movies had a rock'n song about their plot at the end, under Hollywood's "well it worked for Ghostbusters" policy. The song boldly dares to use such controversial terms as "Boobs" and "Retard". Point being if your not doing something productive to uplift the human spirt (which if you're reading my review on "The Phantom of the Mall" you and I both know you aren't) rent and watch this hidden jewel of cinema and make Mr. Polly "The Free World's Punching Bag" Shore a couple pennies richer. Go ahead, I dare ya!
Night of the Creeps (1986)
Detective.............. THRILL ME!!!
Night of the Creeps seems relatively aware of it's campiness and is almost parodical in some ways. It almost suggests it's self as a modern spoof of Ed Wood's "Plan 9". It has all the characters types and elements that make 80's horror films great, two geek protagonist, jocks, preppies, college babes, zombies, shot guns, flame throwers and of corse Tom "always plays a cop in 80's horror movies" Atkins as detective Cameron. I, however have come to call this character Detective "Thrill me" as that is his catch fraise of choice. One gets the feeling that the writers plugged in "Thrill Me!" as Tom's action guy line in the belief that they would come up with a better fraise latter, but they did not. It's just as well really, because of this movie I too now answer my phone by saying "Thrill Me!!" Before blowing of a zombies ugly head Tom also says another cool line "IT'S MILLER TIME"!! And he torches an alien slug with a smoke and some hair spray, so that's pretty cool. There's also a bit where the central dork protagonist threshes some alien zombie keester with a lawnmower (ala "Dead Alive") while his girl friend blast some other deadies with a flame thrower wile wearing a prom dress. As in so many movies about multiplying monsters on the run the Old Man from Gremlins makes a cameo. A fun film indeed "Night of the Creeps" will make you nostalgic for the good old days when you couldn't swing a chainsaw over your head once without hitting a zombie movie. Whatever happened to Tom Atkins anyway? I guess there's just no longer a need for the low rent Stacey Keech. Oh well... Detective....... THRILL ME!!!!
Masters of the Universe (1987)
WITHOUT QUESTION THE GREATEST SWORD AND SORCERY EPIC EVER!!!
Not only does this film stand tall on it's own achievements but it is also clearly the inspiration for that well loved classic "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time". It follows the mythos of the original He-Man mini comics (the ones that came with the toys) more than the plot of the animated series, as such He-Man is not secretly Prince Adam. (My fellow post teenage virgins as well as losers in general will probably understand what I'm talking about.) Anyway Langela proves the perfect Skeletor. Unlike the cartoon character he proves to be convincingly pure evil. I must say that he honestly did succeed in being one of the most terrifying villains in movie history. Hat's off to director Gary Goddard and the cast for taking the story entirely seriously and not just dismissing it as a campy hour and a half long toy add. It's that kind of conviction that distinguishes between art and commercial shlock. This movie also taught me some valuable life lessons. For instance, if a guy with a skull head gets massive god-like power the only real change he will make to his life is giving himself golden armour. (Both Skeletor and the Red Skull have done this.) I also learned that when some one gets god-like power, to defeat them all you need to do is push them into a muddy ditch. Having the characters travel to late 1980's earth made this movie all the better specially since they got to meet Courteney Cox (what a babe. Grrrowwlll). Why doesn't anybody ever ask her about this movie when she's on talk shows? Oh wait it's cause there's no reason they should care. Anyway if you don't have anything better to do give it a rent... and wait till the end of the credits for the secret surprise. You can probably find it at your local Blockbuster Video! Make it a Blockbuster Night!
Action Jackson (1988)
If action had a name it would be ACTION.... Jackson!
Some say he didn't even have a mother and he was created by NASA to be the first man to walk on the moon without a space suit, others say his mother was molested by a Yeti and he was their mutant offspring... Well their all wrong he's actually just the most bad ass cop in all of Mo-Town. And he's out to kick some serious posterior on Martial Arts, Gang Lord Craig T. Nelson (ABC's Coach) and his gang of Euro- Trash 80's Super Assigns. Carl Weathers is "Action" Jackson the Cop so bad the that he can beat the living cheese out of the crooks so badly that their ancestors will feel it 12 centuries from now. He knocks a giant fat guy through a door! He throws some guy out a window with such force that the sorry punk flies through the window of the building on the other side of the alleyway! He destroys a cab by flipping over it for Pete's Sake!!! Why do they call him Action? Do the Math Brainiac!!! SEE IT!!!
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
At least the light saber fights were all very cool...oh and Darth Maul rules!
What can I say that hasn't yet been said? Probably nothing, but none the less here goes. I'll number all my complaints as to make everything clear as some of my complaints over lap.
1.) Okay my biggest complaint off the bat is the kid himself, (both as an actor and a character and yes even as a character actor) We're supposed to believe that this pukey lil' cherub will grow up to be voiced by James earl Jones. I understand the idea of the fall from grace and that Vader was supposed to be a good man once but this putting the kid from "Jingle All the Way" in this movie is an insult to one of the most deep and terrifying characters in cinema history.
2.) Too much computer generated images. People (mostly baby boomers who control the media, and the easily brain washed) are so caught up in the "new" fad of computer animation that they fail to see how fake it looks compared to models and animatronics. Frankly I knew there was something wrong in Hollywood when I saw computer animated dogs in "101 Dalmatians". They're dogs for Gods sake, it's not like they're an extinct of fictitious creature.
3.) An entire multi million dollar, marketing campaign has been based the character Darth Maul. He had the cool light saber, amazing fighting skills and horrific face yet he was given like one line and 10 minutes of screen time total.
4.) Anakin being Space Jesus. Hmm lets see, who does this offend, umm Me, Space, Jesus, Christians, Darth Vader... anyone else. All this really says to me is there was utter lack to even think up the character of Anakin's father. And they called him the Chosen One!!! What is this "Mortal Combat" (the movie that is). I mean "The Chosen One?" This is a title that was used ironically on a episode of "Inspector Gadget".
5.) Midi-Clorians... WHAT THE &%$@!!! The Force, an embodiment of all things mystic is reduced to a lame genetic fluke. The eugenic implications of this contains a disturbing message of socially Darwinism... plus it's just darn stupid!
6.) Obi Wan says to Luke in the first series "When I first met your father he was already a great piolet" not a "Pod Racer". I though the whole pod racing sequence was pointlessly long and annoying. I know he did fly a ship at one point in the film but the clear implication of the original film series is that Anakin was a hard boiled, action piolet when Obi Wan met him. People can tell me that that's just my interpretation of Obi Wan's statement but we we're all thinking it and anyone that says other wise is a Big, Fat liar! (I stand by my convictions no matter how stupid)
7.) Anakin invented 3-PO. How many things are wrong with this? When 3-PO and R2 first arrive on Tatoonie they act like they've never been there before even though 3-PO was built there. "Luke Skywalker you say? Well I was built by an Anakin Skywalker on this very world. Any relation?" I'd also ask why Owen Skywalker didn't recognize his brother's robot, but I think a better question is were was Owen in "Phantom Menace" anyway? And why would a small boy build something as adult and boring as a Protocol Droid? Plus judging by his similarity to several other Droids throughout the series wasn't 3-PO one of many factory Protocol Droids?
8.) Anakin's adventure with R2. It is also clearly implied in the original series that Darth Vader has never encounter either 3-PO or R2D2 before let alone had a life threatening adventure with one of them.
9.) Not that I didn't like Liam Neeson's performance but wasn't Yoda the Jedi master who trained Obi Wan?
10.) Would it be too much to ask that Darth Vader; Master of Evil be a mistreated slave instead of a happy well fed one, with a master that is comical instead of cruel?
11.) The disturbing romantic tension between the 8 year old and the 15 year old...Eeeww!
12.) The 2 headed announcer was 6000 more times damaging to the film than everyone claims Jar Jar is.
13.) I'm not sure if it's really good writing or really bad writing that the Jedi couldn't detect that Palpatine was Darth Sidius.
14.) You would think Obi Wan would remember R2D2... THE DROID WHO SAVED HIS LIFE!!!
Anyway Jar Jar wasn't as bad as people say, it was like having Scoobey Doo in the movie and that can't hurt. The appearance of E.T was funny too.
Go (1999)
"Go" more like "Blow"...
I can say many bad things about this movie, but I must give it some credit, it did live up to it's name, because that's what I wanted to do the whole movie. Oral sex jokes there's a ground breaking quantum leap in the science of comedy. Even if you can get into this movie for free don't "Go". It's not even good for making stupid comments to your friends during the film.
Black Belt Jones (1974)
One of the best movies of all time!
I love this movie. It has everything from a bad romantic story to great fighting scenes and even a scene where for no apparent reason "Black Belt" smashes a man's guitar. My favorite thing about this movie is that Black Belt Jones' job is to watch women jump on a trampoline, for which he seems to receive a hefty sum of money,judging by the size of his house. This movie has the worst phone acting I have ever had the opportunity to see. If you want to see great fighting scenes and pretty bad acting then see this film.
The Guy from Harlem (1977)
THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!!! Honest!!
Not counting, Nazi propaganda films, pornography and student art films the "Guy From Harlem" is THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE, and I've seen garbage. Just to legitimize my claim let me make it clear I've seen plenty of bad films. I go out of my way to rent them. I'm a connoisseur of stupid cinema. I've seen "Secret Agent Double O Soul", "Drive in Massacre", "Spookies", "Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Barakus", "Highlander 2: The Quickening", "Psycho Cop", "Go-bots Meet the Rock Lords", "Blood Cult", "Mitchell", "Sleep Away Camp", "The Howling 2: Your Sister's a Werewolf" and "The Mines of Kilmanjaro" just to name a few. And all of them are Oscar winning material in comparison to this sorry joke of a movie. The back of the video pack claims the film is set in the crime infested underbelly of Harlem... the entire film takes place in Miami!! Not the fault of the film makers you say? Well try this on for size mister big shot! Halfway through the film they get tired of the story line and out of the blue decide to switch to the plot from "Shaft". It has the worst song ever, the worst acting, the worst fight scenes and the worst editing (they play a scene twice). At one point when asked to describe a gang leader named Big Daddy a character says the following. "The thing is nobody knows what Big Daddy looks like, very few people have ever seen him. All we do know is he's a white guy who is six foot two, with blond curly hair. And man, you talk about muscles... he got the biggest muscles! And he wears bands around his arms. But nobody knows what he looks like. Nobody's ever seen him." Outside the WWF this describes no more than 3 to 5 living people and only one of them lives in Miami. And this film isn't a comedy. This write up doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what's wrong with this movie. It's so incredibly unpopular it will never make the 100 worst movies list, which is a real shame. The only movie that comes close to sucking as much is The Guy From Harlem's unofficial sequel "Super Soul Brother". At any rate I highly recommend this movie because it will make you appreciate every film you see after it a lot more.
Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (1991)
Dar, you crazy Beastmaster you!!
I liked this movie way too much. My only problem is I thought the actor playing the villain was a low rent Michael Ironside. Of corse Ironside is just a low rent Jack Nicholson. I guess Mike was busy that year with "Highlander 2: The Quickening". Sadly "Beastmaster 2" would have been a much better career move. It is certainly the best of the Beastmaster series and in many ways reminiscent of that great big screen classic "Masters of the Universe". Not only does it star the incomparable Mark Singer it also features an amazing supporting cast, specifically the second girl from "Sliders", Uncle Phil from "Fresh Prince of Belair" and evil chick from "Superman 2". It rocked my world and is certainly a must see for anyone with no social or physical outlets. BEASTMASTER FOREVER!!! ROCK'N ROLL!!!