- Wallace Bryton: [fools around with an ivory carving] A walrus saved your life?
- Howard Howe: The walrus is far more evolved than any man I've ever known. Present company included.
- Wallace Bryton: Thank you!
- Howard Howe: [poker face] You're welcome.
- Howard Howe: To solve a riddle older than the Sphinx. To answer the question which has plagued us since we first crawled from this Earth and stood erect in the sun. Is man, indeed, a walrus at heart?
- Wallace Bryton: How far is Bifrost from here?
- Girl Clerk #2: Bifrost? Shit, that's far.
- Girl Clerk #1: [in Canadian accent] It's aboot 2 hours from here.
- Wallace Bryton: Yeah, these girls are telling me it's "aboot" two hours away.
- Girl Clerk #1: I hate American guys.
- Howard Howe: Mr. Tusk... why do you blubber so? Are you really mourning your loss of humanity? I don't understand. Who in the hell would want to be human? God Almighty... In all of my travels, I've only ever known a human to be an ocean of shit.
- Howard Howe: I'm so very tired Mr. Tusk, battered by a life of cruel fate and poor decisions and the terrible consequences of both.
- Howard Howe: [hearing ringing cell phone] Well, someone's looking for Wallace! It must be nice to know that somebody cares about you that much. Just what I felt on the island with Mr. Tusk. He was the only living thing that ever had my best interests at heart. As a child, I was not cared for so much as I was... filed away, like a document. A document fed into a shredding machine and fueled by the blood of the innocent.
- Howard Howe: You see, I am a Duplessis Orphan. Now, Maurice Duplessis was the Premier of Quebec in those days. He was the head of the Conservative Party and with strong ties to the Catholic Church. As a matter of fact, it was in collusion with these charlatans of the Lord that Duplessis brought upon Quebec La Grande Noirceur. The Great Darkness.
- Howard Howe: As a boy of 10, my mother and father took me to Montreal. I had never seen anything so beautiful and bright and big and wonderful in my life. But when night falls in Montreal, the monsters come out to play. We were walking to dinner and were accosted by brigands in a back alley. My father was stabbed several times with the mugger's knife and my mother's throat was slashed as if she were cattle. I was placed in an abandoned boys' home in Quebec. Boys whose lives had been destroyed. Provinces were responsible financially for all of the orphanages. The government was responsible for the mental institutions. So Duplessis and the Church, they came up with a scheme to obtain more money by reclassifying the orphanages as mental health-care facilities. And when nobody raised their voice in protest, why, they just shut down the orphanages and sent all the children, including me, to insane asylums.
- Howard Howe: And so for the next five years, I was tortured, I was beaten, I was raped. I have had things in my mouth that no human being should ever taste. They never thought of me as a person. They just thought to use me. And use me they did. Priests, politicians... all pederasts. Even the nurses and nuns and night watchmen. All of them witches, all there to satisfy their most base... physical and financial desires... through the lips and rectum of a child. So with no one to answer to for their horrid crimes, these devils ran amuck with my innocence. But at age 15, I escaped Canada. Got on a boat, went to the United States, and never looked back. Until now. Yes... man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton. Better to be a walrus.
- Howard Howe: Yes... man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton. Better to be a walrus.
- Guy Lapointe: The boys on the force nicknamed this killer "The First Wife,"because the first wife doesn't let you talk, she doesn't let you go anywhere, and she does not fuck you.
- [no reaction from Ally and Teddy]
- Guy Lapointe: See it's... And she don't fuck you.
- [no reaction]
- Guy Lapointe: It's... It's funnier if you've been married a few times.
- Howard Howe: [letter] Hello, I am an old man who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. I am a proud Canadian who has traveled a peculiar path lo these many years. And after eons of oceanic adventure, I find myself a landlubber, with Manitoba as my final port. I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone in a giant house. Not when I have such stories to share. So to this end, I'm offering a room for rent in my stately woodland home. This arrangement will be free of charge, providing you to perform the simple household chores I can no longer tend to from the confines of this accursed wheelchair. But though I may be old, I have lived. And I will tell you all about my many adventures in vivid detail. Please feel free to call me at the number below. Respectfully, Howard Howe.
- Howard Howe: You know I was thinking, The melancholy of losing a limb must be akin to mourning a close friend that you too often took for granted.
- Howard Howe: Your life as you knew it is over, Mr. Bryton. So if you wish to continue living, you will be a walrus, or you'll be nothing at all.
- Guy Lapointe: [revealing prior writing on a notepad by shading over it with a pencil] You see that?
- Girl Clerk #2: Wow... That's amazing.
- Teddy Craft: They did it in The Big Lebowski.
- Guy Lapointe: Do you know, that's exactly where I learned it from. Isn't that weird?
- Howard Howe: Be not vexed or heavy of heart, Mr. Bryton. We two are embarking on an expedition not unlike that of the doomed Anastasia. Their mistake was they look for the monsters out there. They shouldn't have left the dock. The beast has always lied within.
- Ally Leon: [growing increasingly distraught] Sometimes I forget, that my life is... an intricate, delicate web of lies. And I feel so normal, so banal. It feels so amazing to be boring. And faithful. And sinless. I even forget what we're doing to him. 'Til I remember what he does to me. With all those empty women. And it... crushes me. And I hate him. I hate him. But I hate myself so much more for letting any man do this to me. I'm happy my dad's not alive to see this. To see his only little girl put her life on hold for some cheating fucking asshole. And I just wanna fucking die.
- Ally Leon: But every time he destroys me, you... you bring me back. You make me feel beautiful again. Cherished. You give me my humanity. Even though we're stripping it down every time we're doing this, I... honestly... I don't know how to live without you.
- Guy Lapointe: [with a heavy accent] I am Guy Lapointe. That is my name. Guy Lapointe. And I spend 20 years as the inspector of the Surete du Quebec. And but for the last 10 years of my life, I have been hunting an animal who is doing the masquerade as the man. I have been hunting this Howard Howe. Howard Howe, this elusive, uh... devil made of the flesh. This serial killer who makes the bringing of the blood and terror to the true north.
- Guy Lapointe: I... Am very dedicated man and I have sacrificed my life. Too many marriages, any chance at happiness, and very likely, some may say, my, uh... sanity. All in the pursuit of this butcher of the men. And because of this, the solace of the sleep most of the time eludes me. But last night, after you call me, I sleep like the breast-fed baby. And I wake up this morning, in the morning, and I know that in my bones, my quarry is close. And he is so close that I can almost smell his shit. Pardon my French.
- Border Agent: A Canadian doesn't get sad. Sadness was made by the USA.
- Wallace Bryton: Oh, come on. What does that mean?
- Border Agent: [pointing at Canadian flag] Take off, it's true. Right there on our flag. It's right there when you look at it. When you see past that sacred Maple Leaf, you know what you see?
- Wallace Bryton: A white wall?
- Border Agent: You see that in America - you may be red, white and blue. But in Canada, you're red, white, but never blue, eh?
- Howard Howe: You know, if I close my eyes, I can almost imagine being back on Ponder Rock. I knew peace in this twisted, hateful world. I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk. This is just a poor facsimile of the magical enclave from when we first became good friends. You remember? Until that... terrible day. Man feeds on the meat and sinew of the helpless until we are all... alone. We survive at all costs only to butcher again, and again, until we ourselves are at last butchered in turn. You were not prepared for me last time, Mr. Tusk. You were not ready for the fight. But this time, it will be different. Because I have hardened you. Just to show you how cruel man can really be. And if I have truly brought out the walrus in you, this time, you might just prevail.
- Howard Howe: Some years back, I was rescued from the island of Ponder Rock. A mere hour after I had butchered my sweet savior walrus, in order to live. I marked this occasion for fifteen years now... by allowing my flippered friend the fighting chance he never had.
- [appears in a walrus suit]
- Howard Howe: So... you will fight me like a walrus! Or you will die!
- Howard Howe: Oh, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk. There, there, I understand. It is very hard to be the elephant of the deep blue sea.
- Howard Howe: You've lasted longer than the rest. You would kill me if you could. You want to. Your survival instincts... have kicked in. But so have mine!
- Howard Howe: Oh, how I have missed you, Mr. Tusk. How I've missed our merry times together on Ponder Rock. I've regretted every day of my return to this wretched... civilization. This anxious, silly world, with all the banality of a breakfast cereal. The worst of man has long been fetid with greed and indifference. The best of man has long been lobotomized by reality television. I never should have left the wilderness. I never should have left you. This writhing nest of two-legged bipeds. Each devouring the other to stay alive. And I betrayed you. For what? Man's world? An immoral cesspool, boded with the wayward, and the destitute.
- Howard Howe: Now... shall we dispense with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton? Perhaps it'd be best, in this, our burgeoning relationship to reveal our hearts with absolute candor. You see... for some time now... I've been constructing a very realistic walrus suit. And I believe with a few modifications, it will fit you just perfectly. But... whilst in the walrus suit, you must be a walrus. There'll be no sounds of a human voice. You must communicate everything you do as a walrus. Do you understand?
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