- Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
- Lonny: So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.
- Carol Vanstone: [distracted momentarily] Mmm. No, I did not know that.
- Lonny: Yeah.
- Carol Vanstone: Oh.
- Lonny: It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like...
- [imitates an old woman]
- Lonny: "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of 'Up'."
- Josh Parker: [re Mary's mini-van] Can this thing handle snow?
- Mary: Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.
- Josh Parker: Hey, Allison! Is Clay in there?
- Allison: [Talking on the phone to her ex-husband] You fucking motherfucker! If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend put my children on her motorcycle one more time, I will Gone Girl you so hard.
- [covers the phone and smiles at Josh]
- Allison: Hey, Josh! You can go right in!
- Mary: [enters the empty, now-trashed office] Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.
- [runs into Jeremy]
- Jeremy: I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.
- Mary: [looks at him below his waist] Put your pants on.
- [turns/walks away]
- Mary: For now.
- Carol Vanstone: All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.
- Clay Vanstone: Done! And you're going to look so stupid!
- Carol Vanstone: [Begins walking out of the door] Then we'll finally have something in common!
- Clay Vanstone: [the door shuts] Goddammit, she's so mean!
- Josh Parker: [to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.
- Carol Vanstone: Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.
- Airline Concierge: I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.
- Carol Vanstone: Well, refer me to someone who can do something!
- Airline Concierge: That would be God, ma'am.
- Carol Vanstone: Oh. Her.
- Tracey Hughes: [beginning her pitch for AnyWair] What's the most annoying thing about the Internet?
- Jeremy: Pictures of peoples' kids.
- Joel: Linked-ln invites.
- Nate: My girlfriend's always on it.
- [tries to convince everyone]
- Nate: I have a girlfriend.
- Fred: The lack of Asian male representation in porn.
- Jeremy: Grumpy Cat. It's like... It's Garfield.
- Fred: Oh, you know? That orange with the human dick?
- Jeremy: Mary just fucking cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
- Josh Parker: [tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.
- Jeremy: She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
- Josh Parker: It is.
- [Jeremy leaves]
- Walter Davis: He's in customer service?
- Josh Parker: Yeah. He's much better on the phone.
- Mary: [grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van] Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.
- Josh Parker: Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.
- Mary: Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.
- Josh Parker: That doesn't seem that bad.
- Mary: And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you."
- Josh Parker: Hmm. That's harassment.
- Nate: [to the girls Tim and Drew are trying to seduce] They're full of shit, okay? They're not your soulmates. They just hacked your Facebook.
- Tim: [to the girls] That's horseshit!
- Drew: Unbelievable. So uncool.
- Tim: [as the girls get up to leave] Hey, wait!
- Drew: No, no, no! Girls!
- Wendy: [to Tim and Drew] I knew you didn't like the Gilmore Girls.
- [the girls leave]
- Nate: [to Tim and Drew] Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.
- Tim: Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?
- Drew: Yeah, why would we help you?
- Nate: [grabs Tim by the collar] Because I'm your fucking boss, and I'm telling you to.
- Drew: [turns to Mary] He can't touch him!
- Mary: I'll allow it.
- Clay Vanstone: Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.
- Clay Vanstone: Nobody is losing their jobs!
- Josh Parker: Yeah.
- Clay Vanstone: That is a Josh and Clay Christmas promise.
- Jeremy: Your promises are dog shit!
- Clay Vanstone: [picks up a hair trimmer] Hey, what about this for Alan from legal?
- Josh Parker: Well, Alan's bald.
- Clay Vanstone: [puts the trimmer down] It's so hard to shop for the bald. Who are they? What do they want?
- Josh Parker: Hair.
- Carol Vanstone: [to Clay, who is driving Trina's car] Pull over, you fucking idiot!
- Josh Parker: [to Carol as he drives Mary's mini-van] Or... the nice, supportive version.
- Carol Vanstone: [to Clay] Pull over! Fucking idiot!
- Clay Vanstone: No!
- Carol Vanstone: [to Trina] Hey, tell him to pull over, lady!
- Trina: [to Carol] Look!
- [puts her gun to Clay's right temple]
- Trina: Pull over!
- [puts her gun under Clay's chin]
- Trina: Pull over!
- [puts her gun to Clay's forehead]
- Trina: Pull over! It doesn't work!
- Drew: [speaking with a British accent] The English band, the Arctic Monkeys? You were supposed to see them with your friend Lindsey, you were like, "I can't go," because you couldn't get a babysitter?
- Allison: Did you hack into my emails? Get the fuck out of here! And never use that British accent again!
- [Drew leaves]
- Nate: [sees her, stops] Allison, are you okay?
- Allison: No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?
- Nate: Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.
- Clay Vanstone: [looks around as he, Trina, Savannah, and Alexei enter The Red Star] Ooh, there's a car on fire. Did the Bears win?
- Josh Parker: You... You thought you'd bring the kid, huh?
- Dean: Yeah. We couldn't get anyone to watch him. But don't worry, he has an iPad. We could axe murder each other and he wouldn't even notice. He'll just sit there with that dumb look on his face.
- [the boy looks at Josh with the "dumb look"]
- Dean: Yeah, that's the one.
- Nate: Uh, hey, there are actually some guys I want you to meet?
- Savannah: Ok, great. Lets just work out the money thing first. Yeah?
- Nate: Uh, I already gave Trina $200.
- Savannah: Oh yeah, that's just for the first hour. If you want me the rest of the night it's gonna be another $2,000.
- Nate: 2 grand! No! No, wait. The website clearly said it was $200 for the whole night.
- Savannah: Do I look like I'm $200 a night?
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