- Wallace: In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior. You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love.
- Wallace: Uh, thank you, thank you. To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend, it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, let alone a lifetime. And then you meet Nicole, and that is the good news here. Um, if these two can find each other, then there truly is somebody for everyone. The bad news is that one day, they will procreate, and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the Apocalypse. But tonight, we celebrate the good news. I remember the night Allan and Nicole met, and that instant connection. You know, if you're lucky, it happens once in a lifetime, and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings and hear people like me talking about it, and assume that we are all hopeless romantics. It's very easy to be cynical about love, but this, tonight, this is hard. So to Allan and Nicole, for making the hard way look easy.
- Allan: It's complicated. All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. Beecause if it's too simple you've got no reason to try, and if you've got no reason to try you don't.
- Wallace: I thought a lot about something you said. About how when you realize how quickly everything can fall apart it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. Whatever this is between us, it is good. It is so good. It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want it to be over.
- Chantry: I don't want it to be over either. I kind of wish we could invent a time machine or something.
- Wallace: If we ever invent time travel, I would go back to the night we met.
- Chantry: [moves in closer] You would?
- Wallace: Yes.
- Chantry: What would you do differently?
- Wallace: [smiles] Nothing.
- Chantry: [also smiles] Me too.
- [They kiss]
- Chantry: And you know what? Treating it like a joke IS being an asshole.
- Wallace: I'm not treating this like a joke. And I am not being an asshole. ALLAN is being an asshole and NICOLE is being an asshole, and right now, YOU'RE kinda being an asshole. Me? I'm standing here with a BRANCH! A branch that cuts down approximately ZERO percent of the windchill factor on my DICK, okay! I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag! How does that make me an asshole?
- Allan: A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.
- Wallace: Whoa! You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole?
- Allan: Yes!
- Wallace: About everything?
- Allan: Yep!
- Wallace: Wh... New Orleans, 2006! What was her name... Uh, Fabia? Yeah, she did LOOK like a woman, to be fair!
- Allan: Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship.
- Wallace: I don't want the sex to be too good right away.
- Chantry: Mmm-hmm.
- Wallace: I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am, so that it can just keep getting better and better forever.
- Chantry: But like, very slowly over many, many decades, so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s.
- Wallace: That's the plan, actually... is if the last time we have sex is also the best, and that it actually kills you.
- Chantry: That wouldn't be such a bad way to go.
- Dalia: It's the worst thing that's ever happened in all of history.
- Chantry: Was it worse than when that meteor hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?
- Dalia: Yes. My breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor.
- Chantry: I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you.
- Dalia: With a grad student!
- Chantry: No, I know!
- Dalia: Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore. And I really liked him.
- Chantry: I'm so sorry.
- Dalia: I liked him so much, I don't even want to sleep with his friends to get back at him. I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it
- Chantry: Do you think there might be, like, a less skanky option for rebounding?
- Dalia: No. This is something you have to do.
- Nicole: All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. Because if it's too simple you've got no reason to try. And if you got no reason to try. You don't.
- Nicole: Why are you torturing yourself over a ten-second conversation with Chantry that would answer everything?
- Wallace: It's your wedding day. Can we talk about you?
- Nicole: Exactly. It's my wedding day. As best man, it's your job to keep me calm so that I don't crawl out that window and go and bang a sailor.
- Wallace: Where are you gonna find a sailor?
- Nicole: At the dock.
- Nicole: God, what's the best-case scenario? "Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex forever until we die having sex"?
- Wallace: That is the best-case scenario.
- Nicole: Okay, and what's the worst-case scenario? "Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar. I thought we were friends but, this whole time, you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk."
- Wallace: Anything involving the phrase "put your junk inside my trunk" actually would be the worst-case scenario.
- Nicole: Look, the one thing I like about getting married is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about and state, for the record, that you believe in the best-case scenario. It terrifies me, but that's why the outfits are so nice.
- Wallace: So I found this website where they explain what Fool's Gold is. You take an entire loaf of Italian white bread, you coat it in butter and bake it. Then you hollow out the inside and fill it with an entire jar of peanut butter, and an entire jar of jam. Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon. The website said it serves eight to ten people, or one Elvis.
- Wallace: Oh, uh, you don't know how to teleport, do you?
- Chantry: No
- Wallace: Okay. Then I apologize for the awkward situation you're about to witness.
- [Megan walks up]
- Wallace: Hi. Um, sorry, Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, urn... Well, my nothing in particular.
- Chantry: Nice to meet you.
- Megan: Wallace, what are you doing here? Are you sick?
- Wallace: No, um, Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window, but he's okay.
- Megan: Do you want me to look in on him?
- Wallace: No. That won't be necessary.
- Megan: I'm gonna go. We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch. Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon, or the tuna, or anything with seafood. The company that stocks the machine has failed four inspections, but the manager's brother works for the mayor. I'm sorry, I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired. I had so much coffee, and when I saw her, I thought she was your girlfriend, and that made me want to cry. It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right?
- Wallace: You are, and it is.
- Megan: I just want us to be friends. Not today, but someday. Whatever he said, it wasn't black-and-white...
- Chantry: He hasn't said anything about you. He's never even mentioned you.
- Megan: Um... Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you. I hope your boyfriend feels better.
- Chantry: Thank you.
- Wallace: That was my ex-girlfriend.
- Chantry: Yeah.
- Wallace: Yeah
- Allan: You can eat your own poop. But if you eat the poop that you poop out after eating the first poop it's so toxic you'll die. So you can eat your poop once, but not twice.
- Chantry: To be fair, um, I don't always like parties either. Awkward small talk is not my forte.
- Wallace: It's "fort", actually. "Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully", and "Fort" is French for "strength". But I still say forte too, because if you say fort everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is the correct pronunciation.
- Chantry: So is that, like, your thing? Correcting people's pronunciations?
- Wallace: Yeah, that's my thing.
- Chantry: How's that going for you?
- Wallace: I have a dead end job, I live in my sister's attic, and I basically never go out. Uh, correcting pronunciations is my old thing, actually, my new thing is oversharing.
- Allan: Oh, did you guys meet?
- Wallace: Uh, kind of, yeah.
- Allan: Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry, she's an animator. Chantry, this is my college roommate, Wallace.
- Chantry: You're Wallace?
- Wallace: Yep.
- Allan: This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year.
- Chantry: Wow. Yeah, you do look pale. I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino.
- Wallace: It's both, actually.
- Allan: He's been hibernating like an adorable little bear cub because of his broken heart.
- Wallace: Stop telling people that and stroking my face.
- [while making out with Dalia in a car, Wallace hallucinates Chantry watching him outside]
- Chantry: Dude, my sister. Sweet score.
- Wallace: Um, no, this isn't what it looks like. Well, okay. Yeah, it is. It is what it looks like.
- Chantry: She's super hot. Plus, she's 99% genetically identical to me, so... Anyway, have fun making out with my sister.
- [turns to leave, then turns back around]
- Chantry: Um, actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this, you can be pretty much absolutely positive I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever. Bam! Ever!
- Allan: Option one, make a move on her. Bold, direct. If you're lucky, you hook up, she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben. If you're unlucky, she's furious and ends the friendship.
- Wallace: So be sleazy?
- Allan: Yeah.
- Wallace: And you think that'll work?
- Allan: No. I think even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat on Ben. She'll break up with him, but she won't go out with you because you're...
- Wallace: Sleazy.
- Allan: Yeah. Option two, be the guy she goes to for advice. The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben all the time, the upside is you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him.
- Wallace: So be conniving?
- Allan: Yeah.
- Wallace: And that'll work?
- Allan: Maybe, but maybe she'll see through it and think you're...
- Wallace: Conniving.
- Allan: Yeah. Option three, patiently wait it out. Eventually either the distance gets to them and they break up, or it doesn't they get married, live a happily life with you always on the outside looking in, quietly pining... indefinity.
- Wallace: So be pathetic?
- Allan: Yeah.
- Wallace: [sarcastic] That sounds fun.
- Allan: Well it's got the advantage of not being particularly unethical, but it's got the disadvantage of being...
- Wallace: Pathetic.
- Allan: Yeah.
- Wallace: So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic?
- Allan: [pause] Well when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice.
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