Mike Judge: Beavis, Butt-Head, Van Driessen, Smart Beavis, Smart Butt-Head, Old Beavis, Old Butt-Head, Empress Beavis, Emperor Butt-Head
Photos
Quotes
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Beavis : [as Cornholio] No man is free while one bunghole is in chains!
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Butt-Head : Step aside please. We have white privilege.
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Beavis : Do not disrespect my bunghole.
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Metcalf : The federal government has jurisdiction.
Butt-Head : He said dick.
Beavis : Heh heh. It's not that funny
Metcalf : Federal law dictates that you turn them over.
Butt-Head : Whoa, he definitely said dick that time.
Beavis : Heh, heh,. Yeah, so what? It's not that funny, Butt-Head. So one word sounds like another word, big deal, who cares?
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Serena Ryan : So you can ruin me and have me replaced as governor with one of your deep state assets?
Butt-Head : She said ate ass. Heh-heh-heh
Beavis : Whoa, ate ass. She said ate ass.
Serena Ryan : Jesus, what is wrong with you. I did not say ate ass
Beavis : She said it again, hm-heh. Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Butt-Head : Ate ass.
Beavis : They're just sitting around saying ate ass.
Butt-Head : Ate ass.
Beavis : Ate ass.
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Butt-Head : Damn it, Beavis, shut up. You're embarrassing me. If you don't get a boner when you think about her, then you don't know what love is.
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Butt-Head : It's gonna be one giant leap for our schlongs.
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Serena Ryan : Do you know how few people have done what you're about to do?
Beavis : Uh... no.
Serena Ryan : Only two-hundred and fifty-six men and forty-nine women.
Beavis : That's a little bit more than I was hoping but, you know, that's okay.
Serena Ryan : From sixteen different countries, ranging in ages from twenty-eight to seventy-seven.
Beavis : Jesus Christ! We get it!
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Butt-Head : [the duo walk through a college classroom] Uh, don't mind us
Beavis : We just need to get through here so we can score
Butt-Head : Yeah there's this slut at our house who's going to like do it with us, any of you ladies want to, uh join the party
[the women react with disgust and outrage]
Professor : Hang on everyone, hang on this is teachable ok, they used the word slut in a sex positive way, which is a good thing but other than that these two are a reminder that we have a long hard road ahead of us
Butt-Head : [laughs] Long hard!
Beavis : Yeah like a wiener or a schlong, get it
[laughs]
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Professor : [after listening to their crude comments] Uh huh, why don't we start by telling us what you two thought of the reading assignment for today?
Butt-Head : Uh, we don't really read stuff
Professor : Of course not, because you don't need to, because daddy's connections got you into college and will get you a job on wall street
Butt-Head : [intrigued] Uh, wait a minute, do you know who my dad is?
Professor : I'm sure he's powerful and can have me fired, but I don't care
Butt-Head : Woah, cool my dad has power!
Beavis : [laughs] That's cool cuz Butthead's mom said he died from syphilus! Wow!
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Beavis : I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!
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Butt-Head : Beavis, you're a dumbass.
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Van Driessen : What are you two doing?
Butt-Head : Uh... we're trying to find out how many times I can kick Beavis in the nads before he passes out.
Beavis : Yeah, heh.
Van Driessen : And that's your science fair project?
Butt-Head : Uhh... what science fair?
Beavis : Yeah, what's that?
Van Driessen : Well, it's too bad you didn't take this more serious, okay? The winner of the science fair this year gets a free trip to NASA Space Camp.
Beavis : Whoa. Space camp? That's pretty cool, Butt-Head. What if we really did a nad-kicking science experiment and, and like, we did measurements and we wrote stuff down with a pencil like you're supposed to and--and maybe we could prove everybody wrong and win the whole science...
Butt-Head : [sees the Powerkick 3000] Whoa. Beavis, I have an idea for our science fair project.
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Smart Beavis : Hurry! You haven't but much time.
Butt-Head : He said "Butt munch."
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Beavis : Whoa! Um, Butt-Head? What is that thing? It feels like sucking us in or something.
Butt-Head : Uh... it looks like a some kind of gigantic hole. And it's black. Wait a minute, Beavis. I think I know what kind of hole this is.
Beavis : Really?
Butt-Head : It's a butthole.
Beavis : No, no, no. No way. No thanks. I don't want to die in a butthole! I have dreams about it all the time--no! No way!
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Serena Ryan : [she interrogates Butthead to get information out of him] Stop playing dumb! Are you here to destroy me?
Butt-Head : Uh, if that's how you want it baby
[laughs]
Butt-Head : but I can also be very gentle
Serena Ryan : Ok we're not getting anywhere
Butt-Head : Uh, I don't mind the handcuffs, but like is this dumbass going to be in the room while we're getting it on?
[motions towards Mattison]
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Mattison : [enters the motel motel room where the duo are locked in with handcuffs] Quick I don't have much time, I know what Serena did you on the Endeavor
Butt-Head : Uh, she hasn't done it yet
Beavis : Yeah it's going to be any minute though, yeah
[Mattison unlocks their handcuffs]
Mattison : I can help you bring her down
Butt-Head : Uh, so like you'd like be in the room?
Mattison : I'll be right behind you all the way
Butt-Head : [disgusted] Ugh! Really?
Beavis : I don't know Butthead I guess there's worse, I mean I wouldn't say no to anything at this point.
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Butt-Head : Oh, hello. I'm Butt-Head.
Beavis : And I'm Beavis. Welcome.
Butt-Head : Some of you may be wondering where we've been since we saw you last. Well, it's quite a tale. A tale of two heroes on a quest to score, across time and space. It's a story of sex, violence, power...
Beavis : Yeah, and fire, heh, yeah, fire, heh. Yeah, don't forget about that
Butt-Head : It all began one ordinary day, a day just like any other.
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Serena Ryan : Well, that concludes your training. So what do you think? Are you ready to do it?
Beavis : Yeah, I was ready before, but now I know how to do it upside down, or something.
Butt-Head : Yeah. I'm ready to do it right now, if you want.
Serena Ryan : That's what I like to hear.
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[after Beavis and Butt-Head gets into a fight and gets kicked out of the house]
Beavis : Damn it, Butt-Head! I finally found someone, and you're jealous!
Butt-Head : [mocks Beavis] "I have feelings, Serena, wuh-heh-heh, let's hold hands. Wuh-heh-heh."
Beavis : SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! You're the one who drove her away! She said she doesn't understand you, and we talked about spider webs and you ruined everything!
Butt-Head : Damn it, Beavis, Serena never liked you, she was just talking to you to get to me. I'm tired of you weighing me down. I'm gonna get out of here, and don't follow me.
[Butt-Head turns and leaves]
Beavis : [leaves as well] Yeah, well, don't follow me. Butthole!
