Last Vegas (2013)

Kevin Kline: Sam

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Sam : The thing is... It's crazy, but whenever something spectacular happens to me, the first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it. And, after 40 years of marriage, if I can't tell her about something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful.

• Hot Waitress : Do you guys have drugs?

  Sam : Does Lipitor count?

• Billy : I'm getting married.

  Archie : What?

  Sam : Wow!

  Archie : To that young lady who's half your age?

  Billy : She's almost 32.

  Archie : Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32!

  Billy : Look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be...

  Archie : Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.

• Diana : That's a generous offer. Are you good in bed, Sam?

  Sam : I don't remember.

• Billy : Why every time the phone rings you think somebody is dying.

  Sam : I live in Florida now, usually when the phone rings somebody IS dying.

• [Dean has been led to believe the Flatbush Four are mafioso] 

  Dean : I'm very sorry, sir.

  Paddy : Shut up, Dickhead! You think we give a shit about your sorries! Don't you know you're messing with Billy Bones, Archie Aces, Sammy the... the...

  Sam : the Accountant!

  Paddy : Yeah.

  Sam : Sammy the Stove! They call me that because I *cook the books*!

• Dean : Please, sirs. How can I make it up to you?

  Paddy : Alright! Just get us some ice waters. Maybe later we'll find you other stuff to do.

  Sam : Yeah, maybe later Knuckles here will let you wash his balls!

  Sam : [beat]  Oooh. Sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?

  Dean : Four Ice Waters?

  Paddy : [Paddy glares]  GO!

  Dean : Right away, sir.

• Sam : [upon seeing Billy]  Where did you get the extra hair?

  Archie : His ass.

• Sam : When you're from Brooklyn, getting involved isn't an option.

• [Archie just gave Dean a very generous tip] 

  Dean : Thank you so much, Mr. Aces.

  Sam : [to Dean]  You breathe a WORD about us to the Feds, we will *hunt you down*!

  [Archie nods, Paddy shakes a fist] 

  Dean : [scared]  Your secret's safe with me Mr. Accountant.

• Sam : Nap time.

• Sam : We have a problem. The rooms aren't gonna be ready for another year and a half. They're still remodeling. Archibald, did this topic come up when you made the reservation?

  Archie : No, because you insisted on making the reservations.

  Sam : I insisted, but then you insisted. And it is the second insister...

  Archie : Sam.

  Sam : That supersedes the...

  Archie : Sam. I offered, you insisted.

• Paddy : Prick!

  Sam : Asshole.

• Sam : [after turning down a prostitute because he couldn't share the memory with his wife]  You know, a blow job wouldn't be out of the question.

• Sam : Paddy, you have got to come with us to Las Vegas!

  Paddy : If you think I'm leavin' the apaartment, you're dumber than that hat.

• Sam : [to an elderly woman next to him in the senior pool]  Lookin' good,, Gloria. Oh, sorry - did I just step on your foot, or was that your breast?

• Sam : I live in Florida now. Usually when the phone rings, somebody is dying.

• Lonnie : We need to recruit some talent, gentlemen.

  Sam : Yeah, I want the A-list. B... the double-D list.

  Lonnie : That is the A-list actually.