- Dwight Stifler: Oh right. The co-ed bathrooms. Yeah, it took me about three years to get the board of trustees to approve that one. Worth it!
- Mr. Stifler: Son?
- Erik Stifler: Yeah?
- Mr. Stifler: I want to show you something. This is the list of all the chicks I ever banged.
- Mike 'Cooze' Coozeman: Are you serious? Is that two-sided? It is. Nice!
- Mr. Stifler: Yeah, it's a good goal for you to try to keep up with your old man.
- Erik Stifler: Hey Dad, why isn't Mom's name the last name on the list?
- Mr. Stifler: There? Uh, we didn't tell you, but when you were three, we had a trial separation for a week.
- Erik Stifler: Trial Separation?
- Erik Stifler: Uh, Dad, there's like... Well, there's ten names here for that week alone.
- Mr. Stifler: Yeah, I went on kind of a poontang bender there.
- Mike 'Cooze' Coozeman: Is that my Mom's name?
- Mr. Stifler: Yeah, you know, on second thought I'll just kind of hang onto that.
- Erik Stifler: [whispering] You had sex with his Mom?
- Mr. Stifler: Yeah.
- Erik Stifler: [whispering] How was it?
- Mr. Stifler: Yuck.
- Wesley: [wakes up on plane] Excuse me, where's this plane going to?
- Stewardess: Detroit.
- Wesley: [sighs with relief] Thank God!
- [panics]
- Wesley: ... Excuse me! Where's it coming from?
- Stewardess: Bangkok.
- Wesley: Thai...
- [Wesley's sleeve is tugged by Sun Lei]
- Wesley: Whose kid is that?
- Stewardess: Yours - you adopted him yesterday. Congratulations!
- Wesley: [waves gingerly] Hey buddy.
- Dwight Stifler: Listen, college is your one chance to start over. Ok? You get to hit the reset button on life. You get to be anybody you want to be.
- Erik Stifler: I never thought about it like that before.
- [Erik chugs a beer while dancing with Julie]
- Julie: Wow! You can really put that away!
- Erik Stifler: Are you kidding me? This stuff is like water to me.
- Bobby: You started it!
- Mike 'Cooze' Coozeman: What? I didn't do anything
- Bobby: You charged that stripper with a pen like you were gonna shove it in her ass!
- Ashley: How're you feeling?
- Erik Stifler: Hey. Good, thanks.
- Ashley: Here, let me see.
- Erik Stifler: Oh, no. No, no. Ashley, it's... You really don't need to do anything.
- Ashley: Oh my God, Erik. You have to put something on that.
- Erik Stifler: No, it's just a little red.
- Ashley: Here, let me.
- [Ashley takes some healing gel and starts rubbing it on Erick's burn]
- Erik Stifler: It's really not necessary...
- [Erik gasps]
- Ashley: Does it hurt?
- Erik Stifler: No, it's just really cold.
- Ashley: [Ashley rubs slower] Does that feel better?
- Erik Stifler: Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
- Ashley: Wow!
- [Megan is shocked by Erik's erection through the towel]
- Erik Stifler: Oh man!
- Ashley: I didn't even touch it. Mmm. No, it's no big deal. I guess I should just take it as a compliment, right?
- Erik Stifler: I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry.
- Ashley: It's cool.
- Erik Stifler: How that cream feels good. Ash, you might wanna...
- Ashley: [Whispering] Just relax.
- Erik Stifler: [Panting] It's still hot.
- [John falls backward and his towel falls off, his semen squirts on the wall, a picture frame and a teddy bear]
- Ashley: Oh my God! Mr. Biggles!
- Edgar: You could do that. Or you could all come to the Geek House, where we have enough liquor to last a week. Along with all the champagne you can drink. We also have a heated pool and enough swimsuits for everyone. That is, if you even want to wear one.
- Bobby: [talking about Stifler] Whoa! Man! Who is this guy?
- Mike 'Cooze' Coozeman: Dude, he's the reason we came to college here!
- Edgar: His name is Dave Hull, and he is the number 1 rated lifesaver fighter on the science-fiction convention tour.
- Dwight Stifler: Oh, he's a virgin!
- Dwight Stifler: Yeah, no, I wouldn't lie to you. I'm dead serious. Most sororities won't even give you a bid unless you've had a three-some. It shows that you work well within the group dynamic and that you are really prepared for sisterhood, you know what I mean?
- Dwight Stifler: Julie, this is my cousin, Erik. I just wanted you to know Erik voted for you in the Hottie Contest. And since he's like the lady's man in the family, I totally trust his taste.
- Julie: Thanks, cutie!
- Erik Stifler: You want to dance, gorgeous?
- Julie: I'd love to!
- Dwight Stifler: [talking about Wesley] Don't be fooled by his appearance. His nickname is the Blackout Menace. He's a perfect student except for his habit of getting belligerently drunk, blacking out, causing complete and total mayhem, and never remembering a thing.
- Rock: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. What we had was a rivalry. But what Edgar did got us kicked off campus.
- Ashley: Wow! This is gonna take some getting used to.
- Erik Stifler: Huh? Whoa! Yeah, um, isn't this the guy's bathroom?
- Ashley: No, it's co-ed. All the dorms are like this.
- Erik Stifler: Cool. Co-ed. Yeah.
- Dwight Stifler: Do you happen to remember the name of the last captain to ever win the Greek Olympiad?
- Noah Levenstein: Well, I haven't the foggiest, because it was so long ago. I...
- Dwight Stifler: His name is Noah Levenstein.
- Noah Levenstein: Uh-huh. Well, I knew that would catch up to me one day.
- Jill: And now, the Peloponnesian War. The first team to consume an entire keg wins. Throwing up does not disqualify.
- Erik Stifler: What the hell is that? What is that thing?
- Dwight Stifler: That's the geeks taking the lead. It's time for our secret weapon. Wesley! Wesley!
- Noah Levenstein: Now, I've just talked to the district attorney. He's an old school chum of mine. He's willing to drop all the charges, if you promise never to set foot in the Silver Dollar again.
- Dwight Stifler: This is ridiculous! Where am I gonna have Sunday brunch?