Superbad (2007)

Seth Rogen: Officer Michaels

Photos 

Quotes 

• Officer Michaels : Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!

• Officer Michaels : Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?

  Fogell : It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".

• Mindy : Look, kay? He assaulted the customer, grabbed the cash and ran out.

  Officer Slater : So, how how, how...

  Officer Michaels : Say when, height wise...

  Officer Slater : I'm gonna start up here.

  Officer Michaels : I'm gonna start from the buttom...

  Mindy : Whatever 5'10 is, he was 5'10.

  Officer Slater : E-ethnicly, I mean, did, what, uhhm. I mean, wa-was he, like u-us or...

  Mindy : A woman? A female, is that what you're asking?

  Officer Slater : No, I would say...

  Officer Michaels : Was he...

  Officer Slater : Was he African?

  Mindy : Was he African? No, he was American. And he was like you. He looked just like you.

  Officer Michaels : He was Jewish! An odd crime for a Jew to commit. Ok, so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie...

  Mindy : No. You don't. No, that's not what I said. Is that what you heard me say? I said he looked like you. Do you look like an African Jew?

  Officer Michaels : No, I look like a cop.

  Mindy : He was caucasian.

  Officer Michaels : Caucasian...

  Officer Slater : Oh...

  Mindy : Kinda looked like Eminem.

  Officer Michaels : Ah, an M&M...

  Officer Slater : M&M, so he was like circular...

  Mindy : Marshall Mathers. Eminem, the rapper, Eminem.

  Officer Michaels : He looked like this? I'm a amateur.

  Officer Slater : 'Cause that kinda looks like an M&M.

  Officer Michaels : Longer face? Bigger nose? Would you say his mouth was wider? Open? A gap?

• Fogell : What's it like to have a gun?

  Officer Michaels : It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.

• Officer Michaels : Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law.

• Officer Slater : Hey kid, what's your real name?

  Fogell : Fogell... it's Fogell.

  Officer Michaels : Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!

• Officer Michaels : We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

• Officer Michaels : How old are you McLovin?

  Fogell : Old enough.

  Fogell : Old enough for what?

  Fogell : To party.

• Officer Michaels : Shit! The cops!

• Officer Michaels : Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.

• Officer Michaels : I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!

• Officer Michaels : You just cock-blocked McLovin!

• [from trailer] 

  Officer Michaels : McLovin?

  Fogell : Yeah.

  Officer Michaels : Great name.

  Officer Slater : It is, it just rolls of the tongue.

  Officer Michaels : 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!

• Officer Michaels : [hears a siren]  Oh shit, the cops!

• Officer Michaels : [out of breath]  He's a freak...

  [panting] 

  Officer Michaels : He's the fastest kid alive...

• Officer Michaels : [Vomiting after chasing Eva]  It's just beer! It's just beer!

  Officer Slater : C'mon man up. What happened?

  Officer Michaels : [Without breath]  He's a freakin' kid! He's the fastest kid alive!

  Officer Slater : This is not good!

  Officer Michaels : He's the fastest kid alive!

  Officer Slater : Fastest kid alive my ass! What we're gonna do?

• Officer Michaels : You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

  Officer Slater : Yup

  Officer Michaels : If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...

  Officer Slater : Hell, yeah!

  Officer Michaels : I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

  Officer Slater : I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

  Officer Michaels : Could smell it out like a rat.

  Officer Slater : Smell it out. ANything

  Officer Michaels : Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...

  Officer Slater : No way,

  Officer Michaels : Just punched you in the face. No semen.

  Officer Slater : Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

  Officer Michaels : Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

  Officer Slater : I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...

  Officer Michaels : It's true

  Officer Slater : I would make semen snowballs...

  Officer Michaels : It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.

  Officer Slater : Yeah, no crime.

  Officer Michaels : Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.

  Officer Slater : I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."

  Officer Michaels : Four ounces.

  Officer Slater : I know that, four ounces into your hand.

  Officer Michaels : One time we found semen, one time.

  Fogell : I thought you said you never found semen.

  Officer Slater : One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.

• Officer Michaels : Everyone should hold a gun at least a couple times.

• Officer Michaels : It was my semen. One time we walk into a murder house, blood everywhere, I go on, I think I find a bit of semen, clean it off. Long story short. Cream of wheat.

  Officer Slater : Yup. Dope.

  Officer Michaels : In short.

  Officer Slater : In short.

  Officer Michaels : Semen.

  Officer Slater : Semen. Not, like, a man. I'm talking about the white stuff that comes out of your penis, when you're excited and happy. Your happy juice.

  Officer Michaels : Your happy jism.

  Officer Slater : I take it you've masturbated before, McLovin. Listen to me...

  Fogell : Can a man...

  Officer Slater : So when's the last time you masturbated, McLovin?

  Fogell : Do a semen run.

• Officer Michaels : Sir! Stop what your are doing at once!

  Homeless Guy : Ahhhhhh, BLUE GUYS!