- Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way.
- Agent 99: I'm sure you're right, Max but look, there's not a sign of any damage.
- Maxwell Smart: Yes, well just put two and two together and that means?
- Agent 99: That someone fixed it quietly during the night.
- Maxwell Smart: Or else the entire ship has been replaced.
- Maxwell Smart: [speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max.
- Chief: [on the other line] Max, are there any clues?
- Maxwell Smart: No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.
- Chief: Does anyone on board make that noise?
- Maxwell Smart: Everyone on board makes that noise.
- Captain Groman: Mr. Smart, I can vouch for my crew. I know each man as though he were my own brother. Why, they're the pick of the scum of Europe.
- Agent 44: [hiding in a funnel] What took you so long to get here?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.
- Agent 44: Was it hard? You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.
- Maxwell Smart: I've seen harder...
- Agent 99: [lying] Max figured it out right away.
- Agent 44: You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it!
- Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 44? What good is a secret message if n one cn understand it?
- Agent 44: Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job. There's no mingling with the glamorous passengers. No deck tennis. No gala evenings at the captain's table. No, no, not for me.
- Maxwell Smart: Take it easy, 44, take it easy!
- Agent 44: I mean, a spy can only take so muuch. Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold. Hiding, always hiding. I want to come in from the cold.
- Captain Groman: [Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg] What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg?
- Maxwell Smart: No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at.
- Captain Groman: Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad.
- Captain Groman: [picks up a harpoon] You've heard of the great white whale?
- Maxwell Smart: That was done by the great white whale?
- Captain Groman: No, that was done by a small blue convertible.
- Maxwell Smart: Of course. The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.